Orange Is the New Black (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 13 - Here's Where We Get Off - full transcript

Tearful farewells, emotional tributes, new beginnings. Say goodbye to the women of Litchfield in the series finale

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -

Hey, fucking help!

See, it's...

breakfast for dinner...

for breakfast.

I didn't know what to do.
She's been like that all night.

I didn't want to leave her alone.

I'll handle it from here. Thank you.


Could you please let the other COs know

I expect to see them
in the multi-purpose room at shift change?


-Thank you.

Hey, Taystee.

I'm sorry about your friend.

She wasn't my friend.

She was my student.



What happened?

I don't know what happened.

I only saw her after it happened.

You okay?

I seen too many dead bodies, man.

How many dead bodies
would you say you seen?

-Like, in your whole life?
-I don't fuckin' know.

I seen six.

Before I got this job.

Two or three, I seen with you.

You remember when that car jumped the curb

and mowed down Antwan Stokes

-and Drew what's-his-face?
-Yeah, I remember.

And I saw that girl get shot
outside Duane Reade.

Yeah, I think that was
Marquis Taylor's cousin.

-She was, like, 12.

And some fool
jumped in front of the train,

but that's not like really seeing a body.

That's like blood and meat.

-And my dog died.
-Monkey dog?

- When did he die?
- That was four years ago.

But it was time.

His hair was all white.
Couldn't see. He was walking into walls.

Your dead dog pissed in my backpack.

He soaked that thing.

And you know they wasn't giving me
a new one at the group home,

so I had to walk around all year
with my books in a piss pack.

Fucking monkey dog.

- Man, I'm glad that dog's dead.
- Shut up.

You know, my mom was talkin' about

stuffing him and keeping him
in the living room.

Thank God we couldn't afford it.
It was creepy as fuck.

You think she did it on purpose?
Your friend?

- She wasn't my friend.
- I'm sorry.

I don't know.



She was in a bad way.

And I get it.

You get it?

Tamika, I don't think
I can do this no more.

No, I know you think that,
but that don't make it true.

Okay, how about this?

I don't wanna do this no more.

Tomorrow will be better.

That's what my mom used to say to me
after a bad day.

Yeah, well, tomorrow can also be worse.
That's been my fuckin' experience.

And your mom wanted to stuff
a dead dog, so...

So she's an optimist.

I know someone in this room is responsible
for drugs coming in, for phones coming in.

Inmates left unsupervised.

We will deal with all of this,

but right now, you are going to do
a drug sweep so thorough

that when PolyCon comes
to rip me a new one,

she will have to wade through
a giant pile of contraband

to even get near me.

Judy King donated copies for every inmate.

I think we should deliver them
as we progress with our sweep.

Kill two birds with one stone.

And to give the ladies some light reading

as they're waiting for us
to toss their cells. Those who can read.

CO Alvarez,
I was in the middle of speaking.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

She had a threesome with a guard?

Who's the guard who's into old pussy?

-What the fuck?
-Stop passing books!

No! No, put the books down!

Are you fucking kidding me?

A woman is dead.

And make no mistake, I will fire anyone
who isn't taking this seriously.

And I will fire anyone in this room

responsible for turning this prison
into a drug bodega.

Now, you've all seen me fire people.
Go do your fucking jobs!

Look, I know we got history--

Yeah? What history would that be?

The history of you
beating the shit out of me.

Yeah, that was fun. Good times.

Want some more? I'm in the mood.

I got four grand worth of fentanyl.

You want in? 60-40.

Well, how about zero and 100%?

I'm in here for life, Hellman.

I could give it up to any Boy Scout CO
and take what comes.

Doesn't make a difference to me.

But I'd rather be making money,
wouldn't you?

This is a sweep, dummy.

What the fuck am I
supposed to do with them?

You can walk out of here.

How about I shove 'em down your throat
and we settle up later?

Fuck. You're lucky I used my last condom

fuckin' a super-hot redhead
with giant tits.

- Lucky me.
- 70-30. I'm the 70.


But if you don't pay me, I'm singing.

Yeah, we'll see.

You know, it's hard to sing with no teeth.

I'm not fucking around.

Oh, hey, you know, I gotta take a piss.
I'll be back in a jiff.

All right, pick it up. Move.

They already came through here.

Yeah. Just double checking.

Hey, I found, uh...

some vape pens in the bottom
of some shower sandals. You want a hit?

Are you fucking serious right now?

Been a pretty rough morning.

Will you get out of here?

They're gonna smell that
and think it's me.

It's all I need right now.


-I heard you got caught with a phone.
-And let me guess,

you don't want me to rat you out.

That's why you're here, right?
Protecting your ass?

-No, I just wanted to--
-No, you're right. I should've.

But I was stupid...

helping those women talk to their families
instead of putting mine first.

I should have been a selfish prick,
just like you,

not giving a fuck whatever happens
to other people.

You're a fuckin' role model, Luschek.

I wanna grow up and be just like you.

A fucking role model.

All clear!

There's nothing good in here.


-What do you got for me?
-Not a whole lot.

That's it?

Well, we did do a drug sweep
a few days ago.

And it didn't work. Where are the drugs
that killed Ms. Doggett?

Maybe she did them all?

And what am I supposed to do with that?

You got anything for me, Luschek?

-Yeah, sure.
-What about weapons?

What about phones?
This is barely anything.

Oh, don't say that.
Um, there's some vape pens.

A few benzos floating around
the bottom there.

There's a dildo.

Is the dildo in the bag
or holding the bag?

It's in the... Hey!

I have information
about the, uh, smuggling.

-Finally, something.
-You know how drugs are getting in?

Drugs? No. No, no, no.

No, no idea about the drugs. No idea.

This is about the phone. Phones.

The phone that was seized
at the other place.

The, uh, detention place.

-The ICE house.
-Ginger and Alvarez are handling that.

But there's nothing to handle.
I know how the phones are getting in.

I bring them in.

It's me. I'm a phone smuggler.

And, uh, Mendoza shouldn't be punished.

It was Mendoza's phone?

No, it was my phone.


I was making her sell calls
to the women in the bad place.


I can't...

You're fired.

-Clean out your locker.
-There's nothing in my locker.

There might be a Snickers.
I hope there's a Snickers.

You're fired, so get out.

Get out!

See you, guys.

Anyone else smell burning rags?

That's pot, Blake.

It's the smell of marijuana
wafting off of Luschek.

-Good Christ.

Look at the little nose on you.

On your face.


-This is unexpected.

Very out of context.

It's kind of like seeing your math teacher
at a water park in a Speedo.

This lovely lady was dropping
something off for you and I trapped her.


-So, Cal and Neri are still helping Mom?
-Yeah, God bless 'em.

Uh, my wife is Marie Kondo-ing the house.
I had to get out.

-Why don't we go into the living room?

It was so nice to meet you, Mr. Chapman.

You, too, Zelda. Have fun in Northampton.

Thank you. Bye.

So, Northampton, huh?

-That's my old stomping grounds.
-That's right. Smith.

"In virtue, one gains knowledge."
That's the Smith motto.

I think that's maybe why I feel like
I don't know anything,

because I haven't been very virtuous.

So, Northampton?

It's for a consulting gig.

I'll be up there for a few weeks,

-I'm sorry things got so weird--
-Come with me.

-Come with me to Northampton.

They are putting me up in this farmhouse

that is like something straight out of
an indie movie about yearning.

And you could use an adventure, right?
Now that you're a free woman?

Things are a little complicated right now.

All right, well, just think about it.

For whatever it's worth,
I would really love for you to come.

Here. I got you something.

A bagel? Yum!

It's poppy seed.

Because you're done with your parole

and you don't have to worry
about testing positive for opioids.

-That's very thoughtful. Thank you.

And perfectly timed. I am starving.

Well, I will leave you to it.

Mmm. Thank you.



Hey, Piper?

- Yeah?
- Could you give me a hand?


I tried to make the transfer,
but it didn't go well.

Aww, did you give her her pacifier?

No. Okay.

Here, sweetie.

Look at that.

Piper, do you want a paci, too?
I have an elephant.

Sit down. What happened?

It's Alex, Dad. I'm upset over Alex.



The disapproving "oh." My lifestyle...

Piper. This isn't
about you being a lesbian,

you're an adult.
Make your choices, be free.

But I'm an adult, too,
and I'm gonna express my opinion.

I don't like Alex.

She put you in prison.

She continues to make you suffer.

And you don't even seem to see

what she's done and continues to do
with your heart.

I know she's been important in your life,
but hold her up, Piper.

Look closely.

Does she spark joy?

Oh, my God.

Are you asking me to Marie Kondo my wife?

Thank her for what she's been
in your life and let her go.

This coming from a man
who couldn't throw out pens.

I did it! You were right.

Alex is not a broken pen.

But she is broken.

Don't you want someone whole, Piper?

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Hey, come on.

Let's go!

-Come on.
-Five minutes!

Let's go, people! Now!

- Move it.
- Come on! Let's go!

The hell are you doing?

You standing there, they'll sweep
you up along with all your shit.

-What do I do?
-Grab your stuff. It's moving day.

Four minutes!

Take what you want,
but please do not take any bulky items!

Sir, that couch on your back
counts as a bulky item.

Take that from him!

Let's go, ma'am. Move it along.

I'm trying to space-save here.
Please respect my packing process.

You're gonna regret taking that lamp.

Yeah, I regret a lot of things.

Hey, I gotta toss your cell.

I'll go light.
I know you've had a rough time.

-Should I leave?

All clear.

So, you, uh, you holdin' up okay?

I knew her, you know.

What do you mean?

I mean, I can say this now that she's dead
and, uh, I won't get in trouble, but...

she was my friend.

We were friends.



I'm-- I'm sorry for your loss.

Yeah, thanks.

Hey, Dixon?

You think you could take me over
to see Suzanne?

She was friends with her, too,
and, um, I just wanna see how she's doing.

Things are kinda crazy right now.

Yeah, but, I mean,
I just saw somebody die.

And it's not like we're on lockdown.
People are wandering around.

No one's even gonna notice.


Already back to normal.

Like nothing ever happened.

Like a hopeful light
wasn't snuffed out too soon.


Let's go.

Hey, girl. Whatcha doin'?

I am undoing.

I see.

-What are you undoing?
-Chicken SHU.

P-Tuck hated chicken SHU.

Thought it was cruel,
and I think she might be right.

And I made a mistake.

I made a huge mistake,
but I'm trying to fix them.

How you feelin'?



I'm sad, too.

I've been sad for a while now.

Losing people is hard.

But, well, it's gonna happen anyway,

so I'm trying to get used to it.

Handle it better, you know?

When people come and go.

Vee came and went, and then Poussey.

Then Cindy, and you.

I'm standing right here.

No, but you aren't you anymore.

You might be right about that.

No, but it's cool.

I understand I can't control things.

You been reading
self-help books or somethin'?

No. I'm growing up.

It's hard,

but it's happenin'.

Can you help me with the chickens?

Uh, I'll try.

You can do it.


-Open the door.

- Go, chicken!
- Go, chicken.

- Go! Be free!
- Move your ass!

Go! Freedom!

Look at 'em go!

I love you, Suzanne.

And I'm proud of you.

Promise me you're gonna keep goin'
on your way, no matter what.

This is you now.

You keep goin'.

Going, going, gone.


Okay, I know things
have been bumpy.

I know they've been more than bumpy.

I think we're still
in an adjustment period--

I'm being transferred.

-To Ohio.

They can't do that.

Oh, but they can,
and it's happening.

And I think it may be a good thing.

Look at what we're doing.
It's not working.

Fighting and cheating and negotiating.

Haven't we always?

Yes, and we need to stop.

-You-- I didn't want to--
-Please, I need to...

Just let me finish.

I just want you to know how sorry I am
for the fucked-up detour you took with me.

-I want you to go and be happy...

and free.

Alex, you're not a detour from my life.

You are my life.

That doesn't mean
that we should be together.

What about our marriage?

You know that wasn't official.

We're prison married.
You're not in prison anymore.

I'll think about you every day
for the rest of my life.

I hope you think about me, too,

but I also hope that you find
someone else to think about.

Pipes, there's just been
too much bad shit.

Yes, there's been a lot of bad shit,
but I've also hurt you.

-Can't we just call it even?
-Please, stop.

-You can't just--
-You know I'm right.

Please stop fighting this.

You need to let me go, too.

I'm also asking for my freedom.


I've gotta go.

I love you. I love you.

I will always love you.

So nobody's got fucking nothing?

Look, man...

Squeeze your brains.

We've had so many different hiding spots.

There has to be one that's still packed.

The rats have eaten all the cheese.

Come on. What are y'all bitches good for?

Get outta here.

And when you come back,
you better have something white.

Well, well, well, look who's still alive.

Change of heart?

Or you came
to say goodbye one last time, huh?

-OG to OG?
-I changed my mind.

Jury's still out on my heart.

What? You found God or something?
'Cause you look a little different.

I'm tryin' something new.

Focusing on the here and now,

'cause life keeps throwin' me
these curveballs.

Think I'm gonna keep swingin'
a little bit longer, see what I hit.

Never liked baseball.
That shit's so fucking boring.

Does that mean
you still got what I gave you?

That's why I'm here.
I wanna trade it back.

-I need that key.

Look, sooner or later,
they're gonna know it's missing,

and I wanna make it right.

Why would I give you the only thing
that keeps me in the drugs?

Um, maybe 'cause you can't get into
the contraband locker,

you probably won't for a while,
and the prison is dry

and I got something that you want
right here, right now.

-Oh, yeah?

Look, I'm not scrapping with you, okay?

You want the stuff, you give me the key.

If you don't wanna trade,
I'm walkin' away. That's it.

-She got drugs?
-Yo, you take one step closer to me,

you ain't never gonna know
where I got 'em hid.

Help me up, man. I'll give you the key.

You hit hard.

I'm livin' in the moment.

Thank you.

Hey, they were right there in your pants?

I have to compliment you
on your quick thinking. Well played.

- I really need it.
- Yo, back off! Let me go first.

And, yes, there have been setbacks,

but we've also had some significant wins.

I am cleaning this place up.

I found the guard who was smuggling in
cell phones and immediately fired him.

I let go of Hopper because of his
inappropriate relationship with an inmate.

But I haven't filed criminal charges
on either one.

I wanted to wait and ask you first,

because I know you like
to handle these things with discretion.

We can keep this in-house.

Okay. Yes, that's good.

Make sure those lucky assholes
don't file for severance.

Fucking drug overdose.

She couldn't have had an aneurysm?
How am I supposed to spin this?

It is possible that she was
extorting other inmates

for their pain medications, and...

hoarding them.

Okay, that's not bad.

Maybe you're getting
the hang of this after all.

What the hell?

Uh, east hallway, now. Someone?
There's a chicken in the hallway.

Oh, hey. I think that's
Dame Celeste Warmington the Third.

-Or maybe Tofurky? Is that Tofurky?
-Get it out.

Oh, God!

How do we know that that thing
is not carrying disease?

- Oh, you don't. Not until it's too late.
- What?

I'm just messing with you. You're okay.

As you know, our chicken program,

which, by the way,
provides free eggs for the kitchen,

uh, is run by our neurodiverse inmates,

so, yes, there are slipups
every now and then, but overall...

If we catch 'em,
where do we put 'em?

Why are there chickens
running around

like chickens with their heads cut off?

You. I'm pointing at you.

Whatever happened,
we will get things under control.

One just laid an egg.

This is what my junkie cousin Jackson
takes eight times a day.

And it's not ibuprofen.

You are so fucking fired.




That cop was rushing me.
Now the weight distribution is all off.


I gotta get me some wheels.

Good thing you brought
that table lamp, though.

Yo, I panicked!
This shit is all new to me.

I don't know how to do this.

Ooh. The do-gooder sandwich ladies.
Fuck, yeah.

They think fig bars are cookies,
which they are not,

but they put some useful stuff in there,
like a Target card or some type of coupon.

Hey, sandwich ladies.
Can we have a couple?

Of course!


Hi, I'm-- I'm Jennifer,

and this is my son, Brian.

- Hi.
- Say hi, Brian.


What are you, some church group?

Just friends and family.

I want my kids to know
that homeless people aren't bad people.

They're simply the human casualties of
wealth inequality, the cycle of poverty,

and the callous corporatization
of America.

Wow, Brian.

Your mom's got all the talking points.
You get all that?

I don't know.

Look, don't worry about it.
Just listen to your mom.

Thanks for the goodie bags.

You're welcome. It was nice to meet you.

-Say goodbye, Brian.


Is this ham? Excuse me?

Excuse me, is this ham?

-You got ham?

I got turkey.

-Fuck, yeah.


-My bad. I'm Cindy, by the way.

So, what brings you
to this glamorous lifestyle?

I love getting ham sandwiches
from guilty white liberals.

Nah, seriously, I'm a junkie.


I'm giving my folks
some time to cool down.

But based on our recent eviction,
looks like I'll have to grovel early.

At least you got someplace to go.


Last time I was there,

I may have stolen my grandmother's jewelry
and sold it for drugs.

And your folks still let you back?

It's family. They gotta let you back.


You never met my mama.

The way I see it, if you made a person,
you on the hook forever.

No, I don't think it go like that.

Yeah, you gotta fight the good fight.

This is gonna be a better place for you.

I mean, it's Florida.

It's where you go to retire
and enjoy your life.

Who are all these people?

Friends you haven't met yet.

Why don't you help yourself to some lunch?
There's fruit cocktail today.

I'm... Oh, Lord.

I never meant to hurt you. Honest.

-I was lookin' out for myself, and--
-That's okay. That's okay.

I know it was an accident.
We all get clumsy in our old age.

Galina Reznikov, and you are?

Berlin. Frieda Berlin.

Nice to meet you, Frieda Berlin.

- Here, take mine.
- Thank you.

I-- I'll get another one.

And then come sit with me.
We'll get to know each other.

Do you want to hear a joke?
About a penguin, a farmer and an eggplant?

Couldn't leave without saying goodbye.

Goodbye? "Good" goodbye?

That group you and Gloria found?

They're bonding me out
while I fight my criminal case.

I'm fucking out of here.

And it's 'cause of you guys, so thank you.

Would you say thanks to Gloria, please?

What are you doing?
Something wrong with your eyes?

No, it's an eye hug.

I wanna give you a real one,

but they're so far up my ass
since the phone and everything.

I'm real happy for you, Blanca.

I hope everything goes your way.

Somebody needs a fucking win around here.

Fuck that eye-hug bullshit.
I'm getting a real hug.

Hey! Uh-uh.

You're still in my house.
Let's go.

Shitty remodel.

Ugh. Look at this.
Open plan architecture is the worst.

Keep it moving.

Hey, Clitvack.
We need more incoming forms.

What did I tell you about calling me that?
That's not my fucking name, God damn it.

All right, you don't have to be
a vagina about it.

I'm being a dick, not a vagina.

Oh, shit.

You goin' somewhere?

I got fired.

Drugs fell out of a chicken's butt.

For real?

Like I could make this shit up.

And you know what? I'm relieved.

I am totally relieved.

'Cause this job is too fucking much.


those programs were never gonna work.

Those women are never gonna catch a break.

The system will always be what it is,
and there's not a damn thing I can do.

Thank you, Tamika.

You really helped me, too.

-If I did, look, I'm really glad about it.

Especially since I'm gonna ask you
to do one last favor before you go.

You mind adding this person
to my call list?


Sure, I can do that.

And you better put
your name on there, too.

I'm gonna be checkin' up on your ass.

Seeing what you're gettin' yourself into.

Hear how it's goin'
with that fine-ass man of yours.

I mean, look, I ain't never met him,

but I could feel the fire
through the phone.

He is nice to come home to.

And you...

are nice to come to work with.

There's a lot to be said
for knowin' someone from way back.

You know you my girl.

I need your meat fingers.
Honor the dead, people.

Thank you.

And thank--

Yo, come on up, and be quiet.

Gather round. We're starting.

You heard her. Shut up. We're startin'.

Does everyone have a sweatshirt?

Yes? Good? Good.

Okay. Everybody, put your hoods up.

Put your hoods up!


And, now, please take a cup
of yellow drink and raise it up.

This feels like a cult.
Are we literally gonna drink the Kool-Aid?

Well, I survived it the first time, so...

- To Pennsatucky.
- Pennsatucky.


Um, so...

I don't like to sing in public...

at all.

But my friend P-Tuck liked
when I would sing in the bunk.

She said she liked my voice.

So I want you all to close your eyes,

so I can sing her favorite song
and not feel like you're all...

watching me, you know? So...

Come on.

I see eyes open.

- People! Have some--
- Suzanne.

Might I make a suggestion?

Maybe instead of asking everyone
to close their eyes so they can't see you,

you should close your eyes
so you can't see them.

I will do that.

That is a fine solution.


Here we go.

Hey, cabrona!

Where you think you're goin'
without sayin' goodbye?

I know you ain't gonna do me like that.

-You gonna be okay in here?
-You kidding?

Who doesn't love a guard fucker?

I'll be fine.

Now, get the hell out of here,
and don't be a fool like me.

I love you, mama.

I love you, too.

Gloria, I just wanna thank you
for fessin' up to the phone.

I'm really glad you're still gettin' out.

I got fuckin' lucky.

Luschek finally did
something good in his life.

But don't you be confused
as to why I did what I did.

It wasn't for you.

Oh, man, I'm gonna miss you.

I left my shower caddy on your bunk.

I'm gonna keep doing the work, Gloria.

We helped people.

Hey, listen to me.
You gotta put you first.

Maritza would want me to be doin' this.

Plus, I feel like I'm in a spy movie.

And I got everyone saying "Clitvack."

I'm in.

Then you be careful, okay? You promise me.

I promise.

I gotta go now.

I know. I'm happy for you.

I'm happy for me, too.

Knock 'em dead, baby.

Come on.

Come see my room.
It's a celebration of maximalism.

Oh, my God.

Frieda Berlin, how can you live like this?

-This is squalor.
-I like it.

Keeps the people away.

I don't think you should close that door.
We need air circulation.

Can I trust you with a secret?

I can't remember
a fucking thing these days.

I think you're good.

You can't be serious.

What else I got to do? Keeps me amused.

And the garbage keeps everyone away.

but if it makes you happy, fine.

Now, please open that door again.
My eyes are burning.

You know, you remind me of someone.

I can't quite place it.

One of these days,
I'll put my finger on it.


-You look good.

I got one of those Peloton bikes.
Sometimes, I do the workouts.

Sometimes, I just jerk off
to the hot instructors.

I consider that exercise.

-It's good to see you.
-Yeah, well, it's hard to see you.

-What the fuck happened?
-What happened?

I'm a mother and I'm Latina.
He messed with my kid. Boom.

Yeah. Heard your
pasty white knight got fired.

You got a plan B?

'Cause I'm sitting on a big, fat pillow
right now and I need to lay it off.

I'm thinkin' about it.

Meanwhile, Daya's got a connect
I don't know about

and she's playin' Scarface around here.

And if I find out that you're her connect
and the two of you are screwing me,

I will break out of here
and rip your balls off, you hear me?

You don't know?

-Know what?
-Oh, man...

Just fuckin' tell me what you know, Cesar.

-Her connect is Eva.
-Eva who?

Eva, your daughter.

She's the middle between
Daya and this guy, Armando.

Are you fucking kidding me?
She dragged Eva into this?

Listen to me. You gotta get to this guy
Armando and cut her off.

I can't do that, Aleida.

But he's your competition.
Take him the fuck out.

There's room for everybody.

And this is my cousin's wife's brother.

I am not fucking with that.

-Which cousin?
-Louis. The one who went to art school.

So why he ain't makin' art, then?

He is. He's doin' mixed media sculpture.

And this is Louis' brother-in-law.

And they're makin' good money.

Neither one of them is gonna cut it out.

I can't have that.

I can't have another one
fucked up like that.




One second! Oh, God.



I don't know what I'm doing here.

Well, that makes two of us. Are you okay?

I just started walking,

and it's like I have a homing instinct
from when I lived here.

Also, I have to pee. Is Polly home?

No, she's not. But come in.
We have a bathroom.

-Well, you know that we have a bathroom.
-I do.


There's also starlight mint
and root beer barrel.

She's working on soaps
inspired by the candy

next to cash registers
in middle-tier restaurants.

Wow. That's specific.

Yeah. That's my lady.

I mean... well, that's what I mean.

The room looks different.

Yeah. Yeah, Polly redecorated.

And then re-redecorated.

Third time's the charm. Well, for now.

It tends to happen when she's stressed,
and, you know, with the baby,

I suspect a new couch
is coming any day now.


Piper, you know-- you know I'm not...
I'm not good with the crying.

Alex broke up with me.

She said she wanted to set me free.

I don't know what to do.

Celebrate? Sorry. I'm sorry. Old scars.

Here. Wipe your nose.

This could have been my living room.

These could have been my boogie wipes.


No, Piper, they couldn't.

Because you didn't actually
want to be with me.

You wanted to be with Alex.
You always wanted to be with Alex.

Larry... Larry, I wanted to be with you.

But Alex...

It's like, we met,

and I grew another limb.

And, like, she's a part of my body.

And now she doesn't want to be with me.

That's not what she said.
She said she wants to set you free.

And I think that's really nice of her.

Because I also think
she's a destructive piece of shit.

Please do not say anything mean.
I know you all think she ruined my life.

-But, please.
-No. Hold on.

I didn't say that, and...

I don't think that.

In fact, I think in a lot of ways,
she made your life.

I think you were this cute blonde girl
from Connecticut,

going to Smith, on your road.

And you looked ahead and saw everything,

your whole life
just laid out in front of you,

this nice life, this normal life,

and a part of you said, "Fuck that.
I want to be special."

Alex was your ticket to special.

You got to live this life of intrigue.

You were above the law.

And then you got scared
and you reverted back to your old path.

That's me, right?
And our-- And our life together.

And you saw this life
laid out in front of you,

this nice life, this normal life,

and this time you said, "Fuck it.
I'm tired. Let's do this."

But I think that restless part of you,

it just would have risen up
again at some point.

So, lucky for all of us
that Alex named you,

because now, once again, you're special.


When did you formulate this theory
about me and my life motivations?

Been working on it for a little while now.

Going over it in my head. Talked to two
different therapists about it.

They both think
I've nailed you, by the way.

I did not want to go to prison, Larry.

-I'm sure.
-It was awful.

I believe you.

But I also think maybe this was
the best thing that ever happened to you,

because now you can never be
nice and normal again.

You're the ex-con...

which, in our circles, is quite exotic.

We're not in the same circles.

Because look-- Look at the choices
that you're making, Piper.

That woman that we met the night
that we all went out to dinner?

She's great.

She's hot. She--

She has a cool job.

-She has an amazing apartment.
-She has an amazing apartment.

She's on her way and she likes you.

And all you can think about is Alex.

Because I love Alex.

Yeah, because you love Alex.

But also because

you love what being with Alex represents.

Larry, stop.

This is bullshit.

You don't know me anymore.

You may have known a version of me,
but you have no idea who I am now.

This whole narrative you created?

I am not that self-destructive.

-Aren't you?

I am heartbroken.

And I do not know what to do.

I might go to Northampton.

-You wanna go back to school?
-No. Zelda's in Northampton.

-She asked me to come join her.
-Okay? Well, see? Great, there you go.

You've got choices.
You can go to Northampton

-and see what that's all about.
-Or I might stay here and wait for Alex.


Of course, there's that, yeah.
I would probably put some money on that.

You are working off an old version of me.

Okay, then here's my advice.

Go do what new Piper would do.

Hey there, stretch.
Do you wanna play spit?

I am strictly an Egyptian Rat Screw gal.

I don't need to hear this
about your personal life.

So, what's up?

Did you come to reveal the truth

that my great-grandmother
had an affair with a clown,

thus explaining the hair
and my love of tiny cars?

Well, yes.

And his name was Tickles Goldberg
and he invented the rubber chicken.

You've some giant red and yellow
shoes to fill, Nichols.

I knew it.

I came to say goodbye.
I'm being transferred to Ohio.


Hey, what the fuck did you do
to deserve Ohio?

Something bad.

Okay, well, you know,
I would love to hear the details,

but, uh, something tells me
you're not gonna spill.

I don't kiss and tell.

So, there was kissing involved?

You know what? This makes perfect sense.

I mean, you're one of
the last people in my life here,

so, of course the vengeful gods
just had to get rid of you.

Hey, I'm sorry if it's my fault.

No, I think the bad juju on this
is all me.

How are you and blondie dealing with this?


Prison is just not as romantic

as all those '70s exploitation movies
made it seem.

I want my money back.

I want a lot of things back.

So this is it, huh?

The band is broken up.

Well, maybe one day
we'll do a reunion tour.

Play all our greatest hits.


All the favorites, right?

Yeah, "Squat and Cough," "Foot Fungus,"

and of course, our number one hit,

"Anything Can Be a Dildo
If You're Brave Enough," right?

I mean, the fans are gonna just eat it up.


Thanks for meeting me.

You want a soda or something?
I got this coupon.

Monica has debate practice
in a half an hour, so...

Oh. Yeah, you debatin' now, huh?

I bet you good at it. That's from me.

Always could argue like nobody's business.

Why am I here?

'Cause I made you.

And I ain't ever been too good
at keepin' at something,

but the woman who made me
taught me better than that.

She showed me better than that.

'Cause she kept after you
and she kept showin' up.

And I wanna be like her.

So I'm here.

And I'm gonna be here
every Sunday at eleven o'clock.

And I wanna tell you about
what I been doin' and thinkin'.

And I want you to tell me stuff,

or you can just sit there and act all mad.

But I'm still gonna be here, Monica.

And I'm gonna prove to you
that you can trust me.

That the both of you can trust me.

Every Sunday, eleven o'clock.

Right here.

You gonna show her?

How you gonna show her?

By sittin' in some fast food restaurant
every week?

I wanna tell you about your dad.

His name was Curtis.

And I really, really liked him...

but he had a girlfriend.

And he chose her over me.

But I chose you.



-Yes, Judy.
-Have we got any more of those cookies?

The ones that came in the basket
from that German publisher.

They look like little cigars.

They're filled with some kind
of hazelnut chocolaty something?

-Choco Heim.

They're called Choco Heim.

Well, that is a silly name.
I would like three, please.

I'll be right back.

Oh, honey, I do so love
watchin' you walk away.

That's harassment.

Oh, you love it.


Deacon, the phone is... Oh, God damn it.

Hello. An inmate
from Litchfield Correctional Facility

is trying to contact you. Do you accept?

Uh, fine, I accept.


Judy King?

Oh, my God, yo, I can't believe
you picked up.

I've been calling every day and some dick
kept telling me you was out

and I knew you wasn't, so I kept saying,

"Yo, you got to put me through
because this is Tasha Jefferson

and we had a mutual friend in common,

-Poussey Washington."

"And I know she'd wanna talk to me,

because I'm starting a fund
in Poussey's name

that would give microloans
to ex-felons after they've been released,

and with her whole book
coming out and all,

I thought it could be
a great altruistic tie-in

if she wanted to get involved."

- If you wanted to get involved.

I'm talkin' fast 'cause I don't have
that much money left on my phone account

'cause of all the calls
I've been making to you every day. But...

Hello? Are you there?

I'm listening. Now, how would it work?

Well, I got a whole plan, see?

And it all starts with people learnin'
how to handle they money.

'Cause if you don't understand
your financials,

you headed straight into trouble.

You do realize
you're speaking with someone

who went to prison for tax evasion?

Oh, shit. Yo, that's right.

Uh, yeah.

So you already know
what I'm talking about.

I knew I was calling the right person.

Yo, by the way,
your book is blowing up in here.

-Yo, everybody's reading it.
-Well, are they liking it?

Is grass green?

Oh, well, I'll be.
What parts do they like best?

Girl, the dirty parts.

Well, well, well.

Hello, pretty.

Hey, Red.

Yeah. I'm writin' to my baby.

The father's keepin' him away from me,
so I write him every day,

and I'm saving 'em up
so when we're together again,

he can hear about what I was doing

and know that I was always
thinkin' of him.

May I? Aw, how sweet.

I don't quite get
what you're saying,

but I know you're sympathetic to my cause.

Because us mothers,
we have to stick together, right?

It's about character.

It's about who shows up for you
and who you show up for.

When you're young, you learn this.
When you have children, you teach this.

When you're old, you hope you remember.

My little one is teething
and I hear if you rub rum into their gums,

it helps with the pain
and they sleep better.

Frozen wash cloth. You wet it,

put it in the freezer and then
you let them chew on it.

The cold is soothing.

Frozen wash cloth. That's a good tip.

I was supposed to see my grandson.

That's so sweet. Is he teething, too?

I don't know. I didn't see him.

Something happened.


Oh, no, she doesn't have no kids.
She's not in our club.

I remember. I remember.

I remember!

No, thanks. I'm gonna
wait it out till you lose your mind again.

And then maybe we'll play
a few hands of gin.

-I'll kill you!
-That's enough, Red.

Back it up. Back it up!

Kill her!

Back it up!

What's going on?

She didn't get to see her grandson.


Or maybe she did
and they made her forget.


You wanna go talk to her alone,
now's your shot. Go.

Can you also get me a glass of water
while you're up?

Sure. 'Cause that's what
I'm thinkin' about right now. Your thirst.

Your little sister? Really?

It's the family business, right?

It's something you do
so your kids don't have to.

I don't have to.
I want to, and so does Eva.

She's gonna make so much money
so she can get her own place,

move all the kids in with her

so they don't have to live
with your loser-ass boyfriend,

who don't even got a job now.

She's a kid, Daya.

You're gonna wreck her fucking life.

-Like you wrecked mine?

Don't be like me.

I'm not like you.

I'm in charge.

What happened to you?

You used to be sweet.

Drawing and talking about boring shit.

Who's this evil junkie?
I-- I don't even recognize you.

You know what it's like to kill somebody?

Nah, didn't think so.

Get in line. Leave the family stuff to me,

'cause Eva's gonna do
whatever I tell her to do,

and we maybe even bringing Lucy in.

Who else can I trust but family, right?

Maybe I'll know what it's like now.

Follow, follow.

Follow, keep walking. Follow, follow.
Get up.

Get up. Come on. We can't wait for you.

I think something is broken.

Your ankle?

Get up. Get up.

Let me see if you can step on it.
Step on it.


Thank you so much.

Oh dear God, bless you.

Thank you.


I leave you here. I'm sorry.


Please! Help me!

My babies are on the other side.

I have to make it.

I understand, but I have to get all these
other people out of the desert.

Listen, I'll try to come back for you.

But right now I can't wait. Okay?
I have to go.


Don't leave me here!




I want a boy.

Boys always love their mothers best.

I'm fine with that. And a little one.
No older than two.

It's important to get in there early.
Teach him the right things.

Like how not to sexually harass women?

What if he's gay?

We gotta teach him
to not sexually harass men, too.

Then we gotta teach him
not to harass the nonbinary.

If he, in fact,
wants to be referred to as "him."

We may get a "they."

I want a boy.

So do I.

I'm Vanessa! I like your dress.

Wanna hear me sing?

-Sure. Yeah.

I never prepared them
for life on the outside.

Of course they turned to drugs.

Make magic with these spuds.

Day three of detox is rough.

Here's a bucket. Just get it out.
We'll keep going.

Lots to do. So barf-barf, chop-chop.

You're gonna be okay.

I'll try. I can't promise
you anything, okay? But I'll try.

No promises, okay?

One more.


Oh, wow, that's beautiful. Good job.
I think you got it.

Good job.

My donkey, my donkey

has a sore throat,

...the doctor gave him

a white scarf!

New Maria,
you read the next part.

Put some feeling behind it,

because you gotta keep her interested
when you read to her at home.

-And you better be reading to her.
-I will.

Okay, go ahead, then.

My donkey, my donkey
has a heartache,

the doctor gave him

lemon drops!


Lemon drops.

I gotta take a dump.

Here. In case you run out of toilet paper.

-There you go.

Hey, Jones, what does Judy King
look like naked?

I don't care to talk about it.

Come sit with us.

We gotta be the refugee camp for noobs?

I know how hard
it can be in the beginning.

You really have to think
of your time here as a mandala.

You know what a mandala is, honey?

So, there are five different
love languages,

but I don't really know what they are.

God damn it, Ang!
It's too cold for this shit.

What? It's funny.
Plus, you got great legs.

-You think so?
-Oh, yeah.

You have, like, Taylor Swift legs,

except shorter and paler,
and not attached to Taylor Swift.

Oh, thanks, Ang.


Wait, I need the hand to go to 12.

Okay, ready and go.

All right!

Hey! Asia girl. Wait up.

You gotta stop calling me that.

I know. I'm working on it, I swear.
I'm reading Rising Out of Hatred.

So, I wrote you a haiku.

That's a Jap... anese type of poem.

I know.

"I think I like you
In fact, I know I like you.

I'm vulnerable."

I can appreciate that.



I can't believe it.

I'm a free woman.

Patricia, thank you so much
for everything.

A free woman with a green card.

So go enjoy your life, Ms. Flores.
Good luck.

I can't believe you're here.

Why would you come
to the murder capital

of the world to live in a shack?

It's crazy!

You're here. So I'm here too, baby.

Let's get out of this
ugly airport

so you can throw a dick
in me at your love shack.

Mmm. Any dick or mine specifically?

Take these.

Come here.

I hope you brought money
to bribe the gangs.

Oh, you got it. Hit hard, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, harder. Harder.

Since y'all are getting out
in the next few months,

y'all are gonna be
the first microloans recipients

from the Poussey Washington Fund!

Yes! That's what I'm talking about.

Okay, listen, I can't have y'all
gettin' out and fuckin' it up.

You gonna ruin it for everybody.

So, you are going to learn
how to handle your finances.

This is financial literacy,

and this is gonna help you
get off the poverty bus.

Or at least get you enough money

so that you ain't gotta do
illegal shit no more, okay?

I've always loved getting clean.

But now, when I say clean,

I'm not talking about
baths and showers anymore.

I'm talking about a clean sweep.

Clean living.

A clean conscience.

And a clean slate.

So, this is it.

The band is just broken up.


Yippee-ki-yay, motherfuckers.

Love you guys!

- Namaste.

Got "Squat and Cough."

Uh, "Foot Fungus,"

and, of course, our number one
most major international hit single...

"Anything Can Be a Dildo
If You're Brave Enough."

From my heart. You changed my life.

Yeah. Those fans
are really gonna eat it up.

- Yeah.
- Very sick people.



Thank you.

To my people.

Everything ends.

I'm currently unemployed.