Orange Is the New Black (2013–…): Season 7, Episode 10 - The Thirteenth - full transcript

While Piper reconnects with faces from her past, Alex revisits her own romantic history. Linda puts Tamika on notice. Caputo owns up to his misdeeds.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
- Kitchen?
- Clear.

- Boiler room?
- Clear.

- Laundry?
- Clear.

- Visitation?
- Clear.

Rec room?

-Rec room? Who checked rec room?
-It was supposed to be Hellman.

I have rec yard, dumbass,
so you fucked up.

No, I didn't. I wrote it down.
So, you fucked up.

Whoa. Not about who fucked up.
Our priority is finding Ms. Morello.

During a prison break,
our priority is securing the perimeter.

If one inmate gets out, others can, too.

-Prison break?
-We should assume she's armed.

-Let's not catastrophize.
-What if she does have a weapon?

We will finish
the rest of the sweep in pairs.

Alvarez, Hopper, check the rec room.

Found her. I need backup.
I'm in the chicken coop. Hurry.

Change of plans. You, you with me.
You guys stay here.

I see a bulge. I think she's armed.

Ms. Morello? Are you okay?

Lower your weapon.

Ms. Morello, we're entering
the chicken coop now.

One, two...

Go, go, go!

- Stop, inmate!
- Wait!

-Oh, shit.
-We got her.

Oh, fuck. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Is-- Is she okay?

You did not have to do that.

- Hellman.
- Yeah?

Pick her up, get her to medical.

Hey, hey. It's okay. There was a bulge.

Gently. Okay.

There's your bulge.



Really smells like fried chicken.

Lockdown is now over.

Please resume regular activities,
and do not try to escape like an idiot.

All right, ladies.
Come on out, if you want.

What, are you gonna puke?

Don't puke. We gotta do this
post-lockdown checklist bullshit.

I need a minute.

Dude, do you know they can smell fear?

"All inmates have been offered a chance
to shower after the lockdown."

Yeah, check.

But we didn't do that.

Go get a grip, okay? Seriously, go.

Come on.
I can handle a room full of cunts.

Get up. There you go.

Jesus. Have some water,
maybe wash your face. You look like shit.


What the fuck you lookin' at, inmate?

Sylvie, will you wait?

Don't come to the bar if you're gonna
embarrass me in front of my friends.

-You did that all on your own.

Will you stop? You're being ridiculous.

No, you're being ridiculous.

God. This shit would not happen
if you weren't wasted.

We don't always have to

close down the bar, you know?

I wanted to leave an hour ago
and you ignored me, like last weekend.

- You could've left.
- Really?


So you could end up
in a doorway somewhere?

I'm gonna go see
if I can borrow that guy's thingie.

- What the hell are you doing?
- Oh, my God!

Fuck. Sylvie, get out of there.

I'm not fucking around. Come on.


Oh, shit.

- Are you okay?
- Yes, yes, we're okay. We're good.

I'm sorry.

-I'm sorry.

It's all good. I got you.

I got you.

Red, you wanted to prep the potatoes
for tomorrow, remember?

I did?

-Yeah. Come on.
-Oh, that's right.

Watch her.

Okay. I mean,
I was gonna wash these dishes,

but I think that's the detention center
version of a sock on the doorknob.

Dinner's not until 6:00.


What? No food between meals.

What is she saying?

She's not speaking Spanish.

Maybe she wants to volunteer?

Uh, well, we are short one.
I got plenty for her to do.

But teach her some English, will you?

Okay. Just relax. Close your eyes.

Take a deep breath.

All right, I'm gonna go so slow
and be so gentle, okay?


-Whoa, whoa. That wasn't even--
-I know, but it hurt.

Sometimes, it even hurts when I pee.

I don't think this is going to work.

I don't wanna hurt you.

It felt good until...


Okay, great. Uh...

You're not gonna hurt my feelings.

We're just workin' out
the mechanics, all right?

So, you gotta tell me everything.

I mean, this isn't about me proving
that I'm fucking great at sex.

This is about you feeling amazing, yeah?

What are you doing?

Parsley? Isn't that usually a garnish?


Okay. Um, right here.

Hey, Red, you ever heard of a country
that does parsley soup?

Oh, my God! Red!

- I need help in the kitchen.
- Copy that.

-Yo, what the fuck?
-What happened?

Move away from the knife.

Nobody's touching any goddamn knives.
We need to get her to medical now.

Red, what happened?

-I told you to watch her.
-I'm sorry.

-I don't need anyone watching me.
-She's bleeding.

Yeah, let's go.

Let go.

-You need to hold the pressure.
-Leave me alone, Nicky.

She needs to see a doctor.

She cut her finger.
I think I can handle stitches.

Great, but it's not just the finger.

She's been having trouble
remembering things

-and there have been mood swings.
-Don't listen to her.

She's doesn't know
what she's talking about.

-Come on, Red.

Right now, let's just see
about this hand, okay?

Hey, I'll take you back to the block.

Hold on. What happened to Morello?

Well, after they found her, I think
she was sedated for her own safety.

Come on. Let's go.

- Not bad, huh?
- No.


At my office,
we only have posters of Manhattan.

Never gets old.
Neither does the free lunch.

-Stumptown or Bitchin' Booch?
-Surprise me.

I am so glad you finally
got to come see where I work.

Yeah. Now that the big prison secret
is out at Chapman Accounting,

my dad has relaxed a little bit.

He said he doesn't mind me
setting my own hours

as long as I get all my work done.

See? You ripped off the Band-Aid

- and a beautiful scab began to form.
- Yeah.

Does this mean
you can come to yoga

with me during the week, not just Sundays?

Maybe, but I'm warning you,

a good hip-opener class
will definitely make me cry.

I can handle that.

Come, sit.

These swings remind me of the ones
they had at the lounge in Barneys.

You used to work at Barneys?
Were you a buyer?

They bought from me.

I had an artisanal soap company
for a hot second.

That's so cool.
Um, why haven't you gone back to that?

Oh, it's complicated.
I started the company with my best friend.

And then she slept with my fiancé...

while I was in prison.

They slept with each other.
They're still together.

- Mmm.
- Mmm-hmm.

Holy shit, woman.

So, what is it exactly that you do here?

I help nonprofits raise money.

Right now,
I'm working on this big benefit gala.

But say more about this fiancé.

What was her name?
It's a small town, maybe I know her.


Excuse me.

- Are you okay?
- Mmm-hmm.

Clearly, I don't know enough
about pre-prison Piper.

So, are you still in contact
with them at all?

I don't think they wanna hear from me.

The way we left things was pretty ugly.

But if you call and try and work it out,

then the way you left things
is no longer the way you left things.

You can reset.

I guess I've been waiting to feel
like I'm ready to deal with all of that.

Piper, you will never
feel like you're ready.

You just have to go for the pose

and maybe you'll fall nose-first
into someone's sweaty buttcrack,

but exactly nothing happens
if you just stand there,

and you can't fix nothing.

See this phone of yours...

What are you doing?

Larry, you say?

There you go.
Call them now, right here.

What? No, that's a terrible idea.

Don't think, just do.

And, hey, if it royally sucks,
at least you know

you have someone here on your side
at the end of it, no matter what.

-I can't believe I'm doing this.
-Just trust me.

I'll grab us some little cookies
as a reward.

Try that. Where does that go?

Close. See, we're working on
your fine motor skills.

Yeah, motor skills. Yeah.

I mean, mine are better than yours,
but you're getting there.

You're really improving.

Right there. Try right there. Hello?

- Right here.
- Hi, Larry?

Yeah, hi. Who's this?


Yeah, it's Piper. I'm out.

You're out? Of prison?
You're out of prison. Oh, my God.

Whoa. That's incredible. Congratulations.

- Who is it?
- It's Piper. Piper.

Hold on, Piper. Polly just walked in.
I'm putting you on speaker.

Hi, Polly. How are you?


Good. Uh...
Um, I'm surprised to hear from you.

Yeah. Well, I'm out of prison.

And I was wondering if you...
well, if you... both of you...

Sorry, I know this is awkward,

so don't feel like you have to, but...

I was wondering
if maybe you'd wanna get coffee.

Oh. We're off coffee these days.

Okay, that's okay. Totally.

No problem. I understand.

- How about dinner? Do you wanna do--
- What?

- What?
- Dinner?

Yeah, dinner would be great.

Okay. Um, you remember that sushi place
we used to go to?

The secret one under the parking garage
that was actually pretty good?

I love that place.
With the sushi guy who yo-yos, right?

Yes, exactly. I'll make a rezzy.

Polly and I have been wanting
a date night, anyway. So, perfect.

He's sorry for already
putting his foot in his mouth.

It's okay.

It'll be great to see you guys.

Did he have his yogurt? Bye, Piper.


I can't eat sushi, either.
All of the plastic in the oceans...

There's other things on the menu.
Bye, Piper.

Bye-bye. Bye.

He just spread it across his face.

- I think he got a tablespoon.
- A tablespoon?

- He needs to have a whole squeezy.
- I tried--

- It's okay. You're a good dad.
- Thanks, babe.

And I-- I don't expect you to forgive me
for what I did to you.

Honestly, I don't even remember doing it,

trying to-- to drown you.

But I know that I did.
I'm not saying that I didn't.

What am I supposed to say to that?

It's tough. But the positive here is that
Beth is not denying your experience.

She's totally admitting
she caused you pain.

I think it's up to you to let her know

what else you think
can create justice in this situation.

Come on, now.

I guess I think justice would be
keeping her locked up

and away from everyone in here
as much as possible.

Uh, if she doesn't have
control of herself,

don't we have to protect people from her?

So-- So you never do things
that you can't explain?

Not like that.
Not so violent against another person.


Do you have, like, a split personality
or something?

Or am I just not a person to you?

CO Dixon, this program is mainly
for the inmates and their victims.

I know. I'm a victim, she's an inmate.

And I'd like to confront my perpetrator,
same way she got to.

Uh, the victims go through training
on how to process their trauma

before confronting their offenders.

-I would be happy to help you--
-It's okay.

He's right.

If he wants to talk to me,
can we let him talk?

Okay. Okay.

Beth, thank you. Good work.

CO Dixon, why don't you have a seat?

Why don't you start by telling
the offender what happened to you?

During the riot, you held me hostage.


I'm sorry about that.

You imprisoned me,

you tortured me,

you humiliated me,

and I haven't been the same ever since.

When the alarms went off during
the lockdown yesterday, it all came back.

I still can't sleep.

And even when I try to fall asleep,

all I can see are nightmares
of you and your baton.

And I'll never be able
to use a port-a-potty again.

I am so, so sorry.

I put you through some awful shit.

No pun intended.

And what I did to you
is still messing you up.

Look, I-- I-- I can't take it back.
I wish I could.

But I hope it maybe helps you a little
that I do know what I did to you.

And I'm trying real hard
to be a better person

so no one else ever has to feel
the way you feel because of me.

-Do you want a hug?

Yeah. Yeah, okay.

Hey. Hey, come here.

I've done some fucked-up shit, too.

Thank you for apologizing.

It doesn't fix anything,
but it means a lot.

Okay. Okay. Great work, everybody.


I think we all just saw
how restorative justice

can lead us to some unexpected places
if we give it a chance.

I'll see you all next class. Good work.

Let's go.


Um, I'm just here to make sure
we're still on for dinner next week.

My boyfriend is way too excited
to cook for other people.

Fig will make a show
of pushing food around her plate,

-and I'll eat for both of us.

-I look forward to it. Thank you.
-Me, too.


I hope you're proud of the work
you're doing here, Mr. Caputo.

I think we are really starting to see
the positive impacts of our programs.

Russia, today,
is regarded,

as a grave threat to our nation,

to our freedom, to the peace of the world.
Why so? What makes it a threat?

Looking closer, we see a clue.

Excuse me.

This isn't on the test.


So? We aren't learning anything
we need to know.

I am. History is a continuum
that loops around.

- Can you please be quiet?
- No.

Hey, when are we gonna get a teacher
who actually teaches?

I don't know.

Whenever they get one approved
by the BOP, so... a few months?

That's after the GED test.

You want me to teach you somethin'?
Here's an important life lesson.

She who does not care
can never be disappointed.

Try caring less.

Substitutes always suck.


Class dismissed.

Wait. "The proletarians had nothing
to lose but their" what?

Don't ask for math help or some shit,
'cause I don't do that.

Nah. I got a business proposition for you.

You like math in your bank account?

Hold on. I think you're about to ask me
to do somethin' illegal.

Okay, I'll do it.

You don't even know what it is.

Let me guess.
You want me to sneak somethin' in for you.


You sell it, I get a cut.


We're getting fentanyl patches

'cause they're easier to hide
inside books,

and you can bring the books in this class.

Nah, if I bring in books,
they'll be suspicious.

I'll keister it.

Okay. People usually don't volunteer
to do that.

That's the best way, trust me.
No one wants to look up my turd pipe.

Well, since it don't matter to you
what you stick up there,

it's gonna be pills
'cause they're easier to get.

Fine by me. Hey, if I don't bring it in,
some other asshole will.

My people will be in touch.

You get it? "Other asshole"?

Nothin'? Jesus.

It is a beautiful, bountiful day
in New Cluck City.


Oh. Look at that one,
flapping its happy little wattles.

Oh. No, look at that one,
just chilling and laid-back.

Aww. It's sunning.

Taking a sun day,
on a Saturday.


I think Lady Cacciatore
has gone the way of all flesh.


Maybe she just got a sunstroke.

You know how addicts,

when they get clean, and they overdose
'cause they lost their tolerance?

Maybe she got too much sun
'cause she's just used to the shade.

-It's just sad.

This was a murder.

The thirteenth?

Family nefarious,
genus vituperrious, species chicken.

Oh, you were right about her.

Well, what are we supposed to do?

We're going to isolate it
so it doesn't strike again.

We can't let it disrupt the peaceful,

law-abiding lives of the others.

What about the chicken that got killed?

It's dead.

What are we supposed to do with its body?

We eat it.

No, we are going to secretly bury it,

and we are going to pretend
like this never happened.

This is startin' to feel
a little familiar.

-How's your day going, Ms. Cathy?
-Not too bad, thank you for asking.

I learned a new stitch today,
the Double Tunisian.

It gives you some open, airy space
in whatever you're makin'.

You had a major crisis incident

in which a psychotic inmate
was found in one of your chicken programs?

Good afternoon.
I wouldn't call it a major crisis.

This is a corrections facility,
not a Waldorf school.

These programs have been
nothing but problematic.

And I just passed Joe Caputo
in the hallway.

Joe Caputo. Apparently, he's in charge
of some kind of group therapy?

Do you have any idea what you're doing?


I am saving you a lot of money.

When we give people goals and activities,
they are far less likely to act out.

We've already seen
fewer violent confrontations,

which means you're not spending
as much on medical.

So, the GED program saves you money.

The farm therapy program saves you money.

And I'm not sure what
your personal history is with Joe Caputo,

but the very good work he's doing here
is saving you money.

I appreciate that.

But know that
your grace period here is over,

and I will have no problem replacing you
the second anything else goes wrong.


If anything else
should need your attention,

I will be the one to inform you.


-You okay?

I'm fine. Just feel dumb
that you saw me like that earlier.

They said the missing inmate
might have a weapon,

so I just freaked out.



I know it's irrational,
but when the riot started,

I didn't know when it was gonna end,
you know? It kept escalating.

So now, even when little things happen,
I think,

"Is this the beginning
of something really fucked up?"

I thought you weren't doing that anymore.

I did, too.

It's okay. This fucking place.



It's like a fear takes over
my whole body,

and then, when it passes,
it makes no sense

'cause it's like
everything's just fine again.

I need a way to feel like
something bad happened,

or to let it out, you know?
Just so I know I didn't imagine it.

We're gonna find another way.

Have you seen my eyeliner sharpener?

-You look amazing.
-But do I look six months sober?

I think that you could pass
for six months and three days.

-Oh, what's this?
-Sparkling apple cider.

Congratulations, babe.
It's a big fuckin' deal.

-I made dinner reservations for us.
-You did? You did not tell me.

Well, I wanted it to be a surprise.

I already made plans with my sponsor
and some of my AA group.

We're going out after the meeting tonight.

Oh. Well, I guess
you didn't tell me that, either.

Well, you usually work on Saturday nights,
and you know you're invited.

-You're always invited.

Oh, come out with us.

Why are you acting so butthurt?

I don't know. Maybe it's because
you have this whole new life,

and you say things like "butthurt" now.

I do have a whole new life.
I thought that was the point.

It is. I just don't feel like
I'm a part of it.

Oh, come on, Alex.
Of course you're a part of it.

But it took a village to get me this far.
It wasn't only you.

And my sober friends
are really important to me,

and you have not even tried
to get to know them.

I just wanted it to be
the two of us tonight.

Well, I am sorry.

Wait a second,
I thought you were done with him.

-Didn't he kill your cat?
-He didn't mean to.

But, yeah, I am. I am. I'm done with him.

Unless he's not done with me.

Walkin' in, fresh meat.

Weren't you gonna catch up with Sylvie
and drink some ginger beers?

Yeah. Maybe one more round
of the real stuff, though.

Sweet. You're buying.
Right, Daddy Warbucks?


"Find the length of the hypot... hypot..."


-How am I gonna remember all of that?

For hypotenuse, I think of "cut the hype,"

'cause it reminds me of cuttin' a corner.

So, for example, right?
I used to cut the hypotenuse

through Mr. O'Connor's yard
on the way home from school.

Yeah, like, "Hey, get off my lawn."

Well, Mr. O'Connor's yard
was more of a junkyard, not a lawn,

and he had this pit bull on a chain
named Salmon, but whatever. You get it.

Heard you're tutoring?
New teach is, like, horri-bad.

Yeah, Luschek has many gifts,
but academics is the flaw in his tapestry.

You okay with that?

I mean, as long as they wanna learn.

All right, go and sit down.
We're on page 58.


You're all waiting to buy?

I got plenty of quality shit
at reasonable prices.

We're studying for the GED.

Yo... Yo, the GED ain't worth shit.

Yo, y'all wanna make it out there,
you need cash money,

so you could afford a roof over your head,

instead of shackin' up
with some pasty, bald one-and-done.

So you could eat, instead of hustlin'
some bullshit pyramid scams.

So you could afford a real fuckin' lawyer.

So you don't gotta end up back in here
with your stank-asses.

What the fuck a diploma
ever do for you out there?

Exactly. So...

You need a towel or somethin'?

'Cause your sad life
is leakin' out all over the place.

Yeah, yo. Can you just leave?
We gotta focus.

Yeah, you know what? Fine. Psst.

Y'all wanna waste your time
and also not get high?

Knock yourselves out, bitches.



All right, so we're workin'
on the Pythagorean theorem.

Let's go, kitchen crew.
Your Zamboni awaits.

This is everybody for today.

Is Red gonna be okay?

That is a big question
that I don't know how to answer.

Has anybody heard anything about Lorna?

I heard she had a psychotic breakout.

What? Who told you that?
Did somebody see her?

Ms. Nichols?
You've been requested in medical.

Is this about Morello?

Come in, Ms. Nichols.

Um, I don't think she wants to see me.

Well, have a seat so I can go over
the diagnosis with you.


It's okay, yeah. Come in.

Ms. Reznikov, your symptoms are consistent
with early onset dementia.

The rapid progression was probably
caused by an acute case of delirium

that began while you were isolated
in the segregated housing unit.

But your blood work also shows
a severe urinary tract infection,

which almost certainly
intensified the delirium.

We can treat the UTI
and the delirium with medication,

but, unfortunately, the dementia will
continue to compromise her functioning.

I can't say how quickly, but eventually,

you'll need assistance
with all the activities of daily life.

I asked Ms. Reznikov if there was
someone she trusts, and she said you.

I'll give you two a moment.

-I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. So sorry.

I'll be here, okay? I'm here.

I'm here, okay? It's okay.

It's okay.

When you let in the murder bird,
did you know it was a killer?


But I was advised to keep
the border strong against invaders,

and I didn't listen.

All I can do now is try to keep it
from happening again.

So, I isolated the offender
away from the other chickens.

You put the chicken in the SHU?

SHU has a negative connotation.

I put her in a therapeutic module.

You can have mine.

I'm not hungry.

Let's just hope
you moduled the right chicken.

What do you mean?
The murderer had to be the new chicken.

Do you have a witness?

No, but the new chicken was making
furtive movements and was acting shifty.

Plus, everything was fine
before the new chicken showed up.

Was it?

"I used to think that it was all my fault.

That I deserved to be treated shitty
by you. But I didn't."

Uh, give me a break, Kimberly.
It was business.

You made money, I made money.

I didn't make you have sex with me,
like your last pimp.

I treated you well.

"You sent me out
with super dangerous guys,

and I got trich...
trichomoniasis four times."

Uh, but, Kim, you said you were okay
with the rough ones.

Time out.

If someone comes to me and tells me,
"This is what you did to me,"

it's my job to listen to them.

It's not my place to correct what
they're thinking or what they're feeling.

Damiva, give up your seat.
Vazquez, I'm gonna play your victim.

What up, Kim?
Oh, you lookin' kind of bald these days.

Okay, Juanita. Okay, come on, now.
Let's take this seriously.

Kim is gonna tell Ms. Vazquez
what she experienced as a victim.

And I will use Kim's witness statement
to play her role.


-I want you--
-Can I ask you somethin' first, Kim?

-Why'd you turn me in,

you snitchin' bag whore?
I'm in prison now 'cause of you.

"I turned you in
because someone needed to stop you."

Sorry. Sorry.

"I turned you in...

because I didn't want other girls
to go through what I went through."

Uh-huh. What you went through? Well...

you went through my coke
like a champ, I know that.

Kim, you're a crazy little
powder puff girl? Hmm?

You're not listening to me.

I'm trying to tell you
what I went through because of you.

What did you go through, Kim?

"In the beginning,
I thought you were my friend.

But if I didn't do what you wanted...

you punished me.

-I never knew what to expect."
-For real?

When you fuck for money, expect the life.

-You're still not listening to me.
-And you weren't even that good at it.

All the complaints I got on you
about too much teeth, stanky bush--

She's trying to tell you
what you did to her,

and you will not listen to her.

Mr. Caputo, are you okay?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I wish you would tell me
what really happened.

Oh. But if it was you,
how can I believe anything that you say?

Why is this one
in an inappropriately-sized enclosure?



Is this helping?

- Hard to say.
- No!


No, this isn't happening.

It sure is. Another jail bird,
gone to be with the chickens in the sky.

I locked up an innocent chicken.

Kitchen crew!

- No, she didn't.
- What? I'm doing Duolingo.


Hey, welcome back.

You okay?

Hey. Uh, I heard they found you
at the chicken coop,

but, uh, that doesn't sound right.
You-- You hate the country life.

I don't know.

The last thing I remember is Vinnie...
Vinnie came to see me.

And then, he took the baby away.

And then, he said he wasn't coming back.

-Mmm-mmm. He can't do that.
-No, he absolutely cannot do that.

What do you mean,
uh, that he took the baby away?

Just tell me what he said.

Why don't you just get some rest
for now, okay?

And I'm gonna try to find you
something decent to eat, okay?


Here you go. Hold on. I'll get your feet.

Okay. Got your little feet.
There you go, babe.

You know,
you should've told me about this.

No, I'm sorry,
because I should've been there for you.


Yeah, I've just been
failing everybody lately.

I'm hoping it's a phase, you know?
My, uh...

how-did-I-miss-that phase, right?


I mean...

I can't go.

She can barely walk.
You know, I'm gonna stay here with her.

Okay. I'll tell Ginger you're sick.
Otherwise, they're gonna make you go.


Uh, hey, just, uh, tell Shani
that I'm sorry I can't be there with her.

Uh, tell her I've been
on a disappointing people spree,

so she shouldn't feel alone
in my neglect, you know?

I-- I'll see her as soon as I can.


Or down?

It looks very elegant up,
but romantic down.

Hi. I'm here to meet my friends.

The reservation is under Bloom.
Larry Bloom.

-Yes, let's see.
-And it's four people now.

- Hi, I'm here.
- Yes, four people.

I'm the fourth.

Ah. Thank you so much for doing this.
I know you're in very high demand.

Of course. I'm here to buffer.

Just call me
Buffer the Awkwardness Slayer.

Your party is here. I believe
they're waiting for you at the bar.

Let's do this.


You were engaged to him?
Very nice. I get it.

No, Larry is a different... type.

Hi. Larry.

-Hi. Piper, hi.



I wanted to see if they still had
those amazing Japanese toilets.

-They do.

My asshole is incredibly clean right now.

This is my friend Zelda.

Oh. Hi, I'm-- I'm Larry.

Zelda. I've heard only
scandalous things about you,

but I'm relieved to know
that at the very least,

your anus is immaculate.

-Shall we?
-Yeah, let's do that.

Hi, it's Piper.
I'm not available right now.



-Oh, yeah.

-Look at that form.

She's got the form. She's got the form.

She did it.

- I can't do a headstand.

I think she did a headstand.
I can't do a headstand.

Get out!
And stay the fuck away from her!

You were already cheating on me?

You didn't have to punch her.
I thought we were on pause.

Why the fuck would you think
we're on pause?

Maybe because you screamed at me,

you broke a lamp
and then you disappeared for three days?

I told you,
I was trying to figure shit out!

You can't just decide to go fuck the first
J. Crew sale rack that comes along!

Sylvie, we are not
in the same thing anymore.

No. No, you... you need me to be broken
so you feel needed,

and now that I'm doing better,
you're pushing me away.

Oh, is that what's going on?

I'm not your fuckin' father.

I'm not gonna walk out on you.

This is what you do.

You are so afraid of losing control

that you just blow shit up
before anyone can hurt you.

Oh, my gosh.
Look at all these cookies!

Cookies. Ha!

Am I stupid?

What do you mean?

We're not doing anything wrong.

I am a prisoner taking a shower,

and you're a CO who's watching me.

No, like, am I stupid
for thinking this is a thing?

Like, a real thing?

Because I feel like I'm... I'm...

You're not stupid.

I miss them. I do.

Cal and I had some solid man-time
out in the woods.

Oh, you should call him.

I bet he'd love to see you.
You two could have a dad date.

-Would that be weird?

I think we're past weird.

I mean, you guys are together,
I'm married, we're all okay.

You're married?

Oh, no, to Alex.

How's-- How's that going?

It's good.

I mean, as you know,
it's hard when one of you is in prison.

But I think we're finding a way
to stay connected and open.

With each other,
not like an open relationship.

Although, we did try that.

-Oh, really?

-It never works.
-That's not what she said--

She implied it.

Sasa dango.

You remembered.

They don't have it on the menu anymore,
but you can get it by request.


Warm sake?

-And you?
-Oh, none for me.

But you love warm sake.

I know.

I'm pregnant.


That was fast.

- Well, we wanted them to be close in age.
- Close, yeah.

It's a boy.

I'm gonna have a house full of dick.

You're our queen bee.

My sister and I are 16 months apart.

We fought constantly up until puberty,

and then, we just suddenly decided
we loved each other the most.

And she is my best friend.

Okay, so only the next 12 years
will be rough. Noted.

I'm happy for you. I mean it.

I'm glad that you two have each other.

So, three cards?

-How much is it?
-Let's split it, Larry.

I got you.

There you go.

It's so great to be back on crack, kids.

Yeah, except fenty ain't cheap-ass crack.
It's fuckin' strong.

Way better than your mom's shit.

You should-- You should call it that,
Not Your Mom's Shit.

Isn't fentanyl what killed Prince?

Mmm. Call it Purple Rain.

I think Not Your Mom's Shit
is more distinctive,

and it speaks more to our local market.

Can I take your tray for you?

That's how y'all ought to be
treating me around here.

Wanna pay me
to put your tampons in for you?

What the fuck is the matter with you?

Nothin'. I heard the Kardashians
have a person. I'm tryin' to keep up.

May I join you?

Fuck off, ferret.

Seems like you could use a friend.

Yo, I like to eat alone.
Lookin' at rodents turns my stomach.

Your relation has a new connect.

Daya got a new pipeline? Who?

Maybe you don't like rodents,
but moles can be useful.

Does she see us together?


Good. Then she's watching
her enemies join forces.

Hey, they just confirmed next Friday
for our IVF.

Hello? Next Friday might be the day

your sperm and my egg
finally get their shit together

and move into my uterus.

-I have to resign.
-Oh, for fuck's sake.

-Hi. So glad you're here.

-Us, too.
-Yeah. It's great.

So, I heard you had your first lockdown.
How'd you do?

I think I did great.

Uh, no small thanks
to Professor Caputo's class.

You both have been
so ridiculously helpful.

I don't know what I would've done
without you two.

I bet you would've figured it out,

smart lady like you.

Well, I know you think I can do anything,
but I'm just saying,

uh, it was definitely easier
with your support.

Joe, Natalie, here's to you both.

Okay, the three of you.

Well, I'm glad
that somebody's getting some benefit

from all those years we spent in hell.


And not to keep talking shop,
but I gotta ask,

how's it going with you
and hell bitch herself?

-I gotta resign from restorative justice.
-No, you don't.

He's overreacting.

To what?

There is a restraining order against me.

It's bullshit.
He got Me-Too'd over nothing.

It wasn't nothing.

And I didn't get Me-Too'd.

I was not the victim.

So, you did it?

Did what?

Yes, I did it.

There was a young woman, Susan Fischer.
She was a CO at camp, and I liked her.

And it was inappropriate.

I created an atmosphere at work
that was sexualized

and it made her uncomfortable,
and I crossed lines I shouldn't have.

And when she rejected me, I fired her.


It's not the only reason he fired her.
She wasn't exactly a star CO.

You do have to resign.


Well, uh...

I made profiteroles.

Do you think
that some relationships...

I don't know, complete?

Like, you reach the end of them,
and you don't need anything else there?


Yes, and also, I think some relationships
never do, in a good way.

They just continue to evolve,
surprise you.

Well, I am zonked. I'll see you at yoga?

Yes, okay. I'll see you there.

I want you to know, I fully support
whatever shampoo you're using.


Thanks for a fun night, Piper.

Would you want to...

be my plus one at this gala thing?

I'd love to. Good night.

Good night.