Orange Is the New Black (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 7 - Changing Winds - full transcript

Badison hustles to get back in Carol's good graces. Blanca longs to get pregnant -- and Nicky has a plan. Caputo and Figueroa's relationship evolves.

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[cell door slams]

[theme song playing]

[cell door slams]

[cell door slams]

[vocalizing]

I'm DIY Fly Flaca.

And this your girl, T-T-Tova.

And together we're bringin' you...

[both] ♪ Flava to the Max ♪

Reinventin' prison radio,
one show at a time.

For us, by us.



With peace, love and beauty tips.

Speakin' of peace and love,
I ain't seein' a whole lot of it lately...

- Mmm-mmm.
- ...DIY Fly Flaca.

- Feelin' all kinds of bad juju up in here.
- Mmm-hmm.

Girls leavin' dookie on the laundry,

- cloggin' up the drains.
- Gross. Nasty!

- Drink spikin' with laxatives.
- [scoffs] Mmm-mmm.

Oh. Oh. And all these newfound
painful uses for hot sauce.

Ouch!

- And over what?
- What?

Some stanky cheese?

Oh, my God, guys,
dairy is not good for you.

From what I've seen, cheese withdrawals
make you sweat through your shirt...

- Mmm. Mmm!
- ...scratch your arms and not sleep.



- Mmm-mmm.
- Plus, all those hormones in milk now.

You notice all the ladies
growing beards in here?

So, bottom line, avoid dairy.

- Your chin and booty will thank you later.
- Chin hair's real, y'all.

And don't be pissin', hittin' and sh...

doo-dooin' on each other no more.

Right? Let's keep it low-key lit.

What the... fudge does that mean?

Lit, but not too lit to get in trouble.
You know?

Lit is the fuckin' opposite of low-key.

Hey!

No cursing!

You don't wanna see what happens
when I open my eyes this early.

[Flaca] Next topic:
Plucking till you got sperm eyebrows.

A no-no? Or a yes-yes?

[inhales deeply] Yes!

Idiots.

My super-powered pregnant nose
still smells doody in here.

My regular nose smells it, too.
Like the stench lives in my nose hairs.

We gotta get those fucking C-Block
cumbuckets to pay for this now.

I got it. I got it.

We sharpen a toothbrush,
stick it in a book,

then shove it into the book cart bitch,
Deitland, when she's collecting.

No, no, no.
She's much too small potato fries.

That's like stabbing the castle janitor
when you hate the king.

We should at least be stabbing a knight
or a lady-in-waiting.

The way I see it, we go after Creech.

We just gotta get through
Shruti Chambal first.

Now, I have some ground-up rat poops
that I've been saving...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Time out, okay?

Listen, you're diving into the gang thing
here with both feet.

On one hand, it's a sign of loyalty.
That is admirable.

But, on the other hand, it'll lead
to that West Side Story fantasy of yours

becoming a reality.
Except, instead of being Maria,

you're gonna wind up Tony
or Riff or Bernardo.

I don't wanna be
any of those Puerto Ricans.

It's just my mama bear instincts

are raging to protect little Julius
or Augustine...

I'm still workshopping the names.

Weren't those the rat names?

Never forget.

Hey, Daddy.
Daddy, kooky cookie over there,

she's got a plan
to get back at Cock-Block.

Hey, preggo, come here.

I don't need to hear plans
'cause I've got a huge plan in the works.

We'll fuck 'em up and get our drugs back.

I'm smoothing out the final deets,
but you'll be in on it soon.

Can't we help it go faster?

Trust me. I'm very happy with it
and you'll be very happy with it.

Hey, you got somethin'
for your special girl?

[Daddy sighs]

I always got somethin' special
for you, girl.

This ain't what I mean.

I've got something I'm moving on.
You'll have your candy soon, baby.

Please? This ain't no junkie shit.
I'm in a lot of pain.

You're lucky you're so damn fine.
Wait here.

Only one?

I know girls here right now who'd
chop your hand off to get what's in it.

Came from Barb's personal stash.
Don't be ungrateful.

Hey, hey! Hey!

Sit the fuck down.

Get the fuck out of here.

Hey, Hellman, you got a sec?

Tell your girls to knock it off
before I start shipping them to the SHU.

We're bored.

It's like that kid show,
Thomas the Tank Engine.

We all wanna be useful engines, right?

You gotta find jobs for us.

Your job is not my job.

Funny you should mention that.

Have you done your job
of finding us a new pipeline?

That'd keep a lot of these girls
out of your hair.

Or scalp, in your case.

Shit came in today via breakfast burrito.

And after I made the drop,
my chorizo and egg tasted of plastic wrap.

So, fuck you. You're welcome.

Today? I just checked the spot.

I didn't leave it there.
I gave it to Carol.

Carol?

She told me
to deal with her direct from now on.

Step off. This is a closed game.

[chuckles] Carol, tell your goon
that we need to speak in private.

Teng, sit. Your turn to switch in.

Oh, I see how it is.

[chuckles] I'm the fall girl

- but I didn't do nothin'...
- Exactly.

You did nothin' to keep those D-Block
half-wits from sabotaging our jobs.

You've done nothing since.

We should all be ass-deep
in commissary candy,

not penny-pinching for deodorant.

Listen, I got big ideas
to make Douche-Block pay, like you said.

Mad plots. But I'm being strategical...

Shut it.

No matter what you do, you're a joke
to Barb and her dipshits now.

A bad joke.

So, my friends,
when you turn on your burners,

listen for the hissing snake sound
of the gas escaping...

Hiss...

and wield your lighters carefully
over the gas-air mixture,

and voilà!

Voilà!

If you need more gas, Mr. Sprang,
use Fartison.

[all laugh]

Do a wicked one, Fartison.

Christ, it was one little fart
in the fourth grade.

For the love of Pete! Let it go already!

Carolina queefed the other day
and nobody's calling her "Queefolina."

[laughs]

We will now.

Watch what you call my friend, Luke,
or we'll call ya Luke,

- the guy whose mom fucks a garbage man.
- Fuck you.

Sanitation is a good government job.
Besides, it doesn't even rhyme.

All right, all right. We've had our fun.

- Fartison... Madison.
- [all laughing]

Madison, come up here and be my assistant.

- All right.
- [all imitating farting]

All right.

[students giggling]

[screams]

Open the door, or you're grounded
for three more months.

Like I got any fuckin' place to go.
Fuck you!

What's the matter with you?

We can't keep leaving work every time
you feel like acting like a baby!

- You like eatin' and livin' in a house?
- Clearly she likes eatin'.

You're expelled this time.
Over what? Name-callin'?

How dumb are you?

- Fuck that place!
- You know what? It's our fault.

We should've disciplined her
like her brothers.

Now she's a fuckin' monster!

You touch me with that,
I'll throw you out the window!

The one you broke two days ago
with your last baby tantrum?

I'm not a baby!

[grunts]

Christ, Madison! What did we do to you
that was so bad? Jesus!

This is garbage.

We should do something better
with our lives in here.

Hmm. You have fun with that.

I'm gonna take this
"When Will You Peak?" quiz.

You'd have a frappuccino
over a cappuccino?

What about doing something better
with your life?

It might be practical
to know when I'll peak.

I've always done very well
with a deadline.

Okay, these are my first five answers:

C.

C.

B.

Uh, D.

A.

Okay.

"How would you best describe your ships,
relation-, friend-?

A, super awesome.

B, sorta awesome.

C, less awesome.

D, I'm on a ship alone."

I've only got you,
but I'm not alone, so A.

Super awesome.

I have an ex-fiancé
who ran off with my best friend.

- My parents mildly tolerate me.
- [sighs]

C, less awesome.

"How do you describe your performance
in your career?"

Does the soap business count?

It doesn't matter either way.
It's completely over.

Well, I was but a simple mule who climbed
the ranks to become a top trafficker

in a transnational criminal organization.

Plus, I got the girl. I think that means
A, nailed it. [chuckles softly]

- All right, final question.
- Mmm-hmm.

"Do you feel like a winner or a loser?"

I'll go out on a limb and say
"loser" for you now,

meaning "loser" for me later,

when we discuss
and analyze this quiz ad nauseam.

All right, according to this,
you are peaking right now.

What? How?

I've failed at everything,
especially prison.

Not only have I not been reformed,

I think I've actually made prison worse.
We are now in a worse prison.

So, now is your time to course correct.

- I could write a memoir.
- [chuckles softly]

A cautionary tale. Share my experience.

Expose the system.

I could get a publishing deal.

- What's it say?
- I've peaked already.

I'm on the other side of the hill,
going down. Fuck.

[Piper] Ugh.

- [exclaiming in Spanish]
- [shushing]

I've been thinking about
your near-death by commode.

Now, tell me.
Do you have any beef with the Chinese?

No, wait. That's too sloppy for the MSS.

It doesn't make sense.

You think I tried to kill myself, too?

Look, I'm telling you.
It was someone or something else.

[shushes] You wanna go back
in that suicide chair?

No. No, I can't.
I can't go back in that thing.

I gotta leave Psych before
they make me commit suicide for real.

Now, tell me.
Is there somebody or something

that wants to know what you know.
By the way, the manticores are back.

[sighs] Or, wait...

What if someone or something
is trying to silence you

about something that you know,
but that you don't know that you know?

I don't know nothin'. Okay?

But I do know people have reason
to want to kill me, though.

Like, um...

Gloria, that sneaky bitch Gloria,
and that snitch bitch Blanca,

that white bitch Chapman,
that guard bitch McCullough.

And that bitch Luschek, the guard hostages
bitches and the ones from camp.

And that girl... guy... Whatever,
Daddy bitch and all her D-Block bitches.

- So, we're looking for a bitch!
- Yes.

[sighs] No, I... It's not about that.

Okay, look.

I was face down in that toilet water,
and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't scream.

And I thought, "This is really the end."
You know, right?

And then I just stopped fighting,
and, all of a sudden, I felt...

like... at peace.

Why peace, when I'm about to die?

Ruiz!

I'm not goin' back in that chair.
I didn't do nothin'.

Right on!

Time for your psych evaluation.

Do not tell her about the manticores.

Do not.

And I may or may not be going
on a very special mission

that may or may not involve
the Basque separatist movement.

If I do not get to see you before then,
goodbye! Bye!

[door closes]

[shower running]

[grunts]

- Fuck.
- Son of a bitch.

[sighs]

Come here.

In no way do I condone
brushing your teeth in the shower,

but I'm doing this
so that you help a fellow cripple out.

Just across this and...

Why can't I brush my teeth in the shower?

There should be a separation
between church and state,

so your spit doesn't get on my sandal
the next time I step in.

Spit's cleaner than piss.

It's the other way around,
but don't do that in here either.

You bleach someone to death
over at Mighty Maids?

- That what you're in for?
- You got me.

I'm passionate about cleanliness,
and I will kill for it.

Nah, you're too smart for that.

You were on top of something big,

calling those shots. I can tell. [spits]

Yeah, well, maybe.

But I've peaked,
and my glory days are in the rearview.

I'm like one of those
goddamn gypsy psychics.

Should get me a hotline and go on TV.
Thinkin' of switchin' my shit up again.

[both chuckle]

Yeah. Maybe this time,
I'll change my name to Radisson.

That's a hotel chain.
You might want to rethink that one.

You're good. Real good.

Okay, okay. Hey, hey.
So, here's a question.

If you had the energy and ambition
of a younger you,

and you were looking
to find a new pipeline in,

which of your cookie camp guards
would you corrupt?

I don't think that way anymore.

Oh, I get it. You're out to pasture.

Never mind.
You've probably lost your eye anyway.

[scoffs] Luschek.

He's completely spineless
and morally bankrupt, but... Nevermind.

Whoa! Don't get shy now.

What? He gonna make me
do something X-rated?

I can get real kinky. Look...

All right. Stop. Just stop. Stop. Listen.

Why are you even messing with drugs?
This place is a fucking wasteland.

There's so much stuff that people want.

The more scarce it is,
the more profitable.

Last night, my bunkie was literally
praying for a plate of pasta carbonara.

Vause, you're a fuckin' genius.

- [counselor] Get down.
- [panting]

No breaks.

All the way down, or I'll push you down.

[counselor] Rest when you're done.
Let's go.

[Nardi] When we tell you to do something,
zero seconds before you do it.

No hesitation. No questions asked.
You will learn to obey.

Because the world out there won't tolerate

your good-for-nothing,
hormonal, teenage insubordination.

Yes, sir. Hitler, sir.

[all laugh]

You're now digging our waste pit.

[all grunting and panting]

[counselor] No, no, no.

They're not even fucking looking.
I'm gonna stop.

[panting]

I like your style. What's your deal?

I got caught fucking
my mom's boyfriend, Steve.

She went nuts.

A huge fight where I may or may not have
stabbed her with a fish knife.

- I'm Duray.
- I'm Patty.

What'd you do, Pretty Patty?

I was leasing my pussy out for blow.

Your turn.

Oh. [chuckles nervously] Uh...

I'm Madison Murphy.

- But my friends call me Badison.
- [all laugh]

They don't call you that.
That's too "Sadison."

They do, too.

And I did some fucked-up shit.
You should be scared of me.

[grunts]

The only one you could scare around here
is Roach.

Boo! [chuckles]

"You are a bad beep mother beep. Beep.

If I had beep been there,

I would have
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep."

Dang. Is there one full sentence
that the guards did not black out?

- Right here.
- "Black Lives Matter."

I'll take it.

Damn, man, I wish Poussey could see
all this love.

[giggles]

"Injustice on the highest level
won't be silenced into our labels.

Another sister added to the bodies.

Never gonna stop the Litchfield ladies..."

Okay, now, Suzanne would hate
all of these slant rhymes.

Yeah, but the first letter of each line
spells out

- "I wanna lick yo' pussy."
- Oh, my God!

Actually, she'd love this,
and she'd probably frame it.

- Yeah.
- Damn! I miss her.

We should try to see her.

Yeah, well, don't see her
tryin' to find us.

Maybe she don't know how?

How about we invite her to yard time?

And you could tell her tomorrow
on your radio show.

Uh...

What Flaca and I do is like...
[exhales deeply]

jazz, okay?

We riff. Pre-planned announcement
might fuck up the flow. You feel me?

Bitch, you are barely
finding your way on that show.

Okay, look, all I'm sayin' is...

When we in the flow,
can't guarantee a message gonna come up.

Look, she's our girl, Cindy.

These letters are telling us
to look out for our own.

I'll try.

But that Flaca chic is crazy
with her veto power.

Doc, I gotta leave Psych.

I'm not like these locas out there.

This place should be punishing the person
that tried to kill me. I was attacked.

There's no evidence
anyone else was with you.

So, I pushed my own head into the toilet?

If I was gonna kill myself,
I wouldn't do it in people's turd water.

But I didn't try to kill myself.

Prison rules stipulate I can't release you

until I'm convinced
you're not gonna try it again.

Again? But...

Okay, fine. Here it is.

I got all screwed up
because of the extra time that I got.

Ten years. I mean...

That would be enough
to upset anyone, right?

But that was in the moment,
and now I see that

hurting myself is not the way out, okay?

I can't tell if you're being sincere

or simply saying what you think
I want to hear.

I can see you next week.

No, Doc.

I got a baby, a baby girl,
and I need to live for her.

I don't want her to grow up without a mom.
I wouldn't do that to her.

And I may be a criminal
and a piece of shit,

but I love my baby.

I stay alive for my baby,
and that ain't gonna change.

Okay, fine. I'm releasing you.

I'll prescribe Paxil
to help with the transition.

Thank you, Doc.
I promise you won't need to see me again.

- Okay, get on your way.
- Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

I know you didn't try to commit suicide.

What'd you say?

That incident you were talking about?
That sounded like a baptism to me.

Suddenly, everyone has an opinion
about what happened to me.

Suicide. Manticore. And now you think
it was God who dunked me in the toilet?

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Jesus!

His only begotten son.

What are the cells' dimensions?

Small by even smaller?

Is there a way we could fit four
in each cell?

[knock at door]

Hey, Boo's bitch.

- Shall we go to the next block?
- [Pennsatucky] No, no, no!

I see you seein' me, Von Barlow.

Except, why are you out there
and I'm in here?

Hey, quiet down, inmate.

I am so sorry.

They get like this sometimes.

[Pennsatucky] Is it 'cause I hit you?
'Cause I was having a bad day.

It does happen. So, like, I'm sorry!
Come on! Don't be a bitch!

Do you know her?

Can you get me a tape measure?

- I would do it myself, but I'm in heels.
- Got it.

You've internalized
the oppression of women's fashion.

You may own those shoes,
but they're in charge.

Think about it. I'll be back in a jiff.

So, what's up, pretty skirt lady?

Is it some kind of a training program
here at Max?

They turn out inmates into escorts?
I mean, I don't care.

I just kinda want in on it.
Anything to get the fuck out of this box.

- You think that I look like a prostitute?
- A whore, all right?

But then we get into
some tomato-potato territory,

eh, and they both rhyme to me.

Just take me with you. Come on.

[Linda clears throat]

So, funny thing...

I've actually worked for MCC
this whole time.

You mean, like, some under the covers
21 Jump Street?

No. No, I just...
I got caught up in there.

[scoffs] Yeah, you did, you sly dog.

You got caught up
in between a pair of pasty, fluffy thighs.

I don't know a more clever way to say it,
but you ate out Boo and she ate you, too.

- Now, there's a rhyme for ya.
- [shushes]

Um, technically, she ate
and my turn was more manual,

but regardless, we don't need
to mention that to anyone.

I hear ya. I don't normally get into
the subtle types of things,

but, man, that's a funny one.
And the thing is...

I don't know how I'll be able
to not say anything,

unless if you have a magic key
to keep my mouth shut.

I'd like to take a whack at that VCR.

I'd feel better taking
a whack out of Luschek.

[scoffs] Nobody's ever taken a whack
at Luschek, except Luschek.

[Gloria chuckles]

[blowing sharply]

Uh, this is a joke.

Watching you beat up a beat-up VCR
does not count as exercise.

- We deserve better.
- You don't need a tape.

All right? Do 400 jumping jacks.

Go!

You wanted to see my ladies bounce
in your face?

[scoffs]

God damn it. How can you do that
with a broken leg?

This is my physical therapy.
It hurts a lot. [grunting]

[blows whistle]

Class dismissed.

God damn it.

I knew a guy like you,
tryin' to do his best at his job.

Nobody givin' him the credit he was due.

He damn near snapped.

I'm not gonna snap.

Of course not. [chuckles]

You've got it all under control.

My guy didn't snap either.

He found another way
to make his job more rewarding.

You think you're the first inmate to talk
to me about my job being rewarding?

My job will only be rewarding
if I get 60% of whatever you got in mind.

20%. 30% tops.

This is all gonna depend
on how hard I have to work.

What are you looking to get your hands on?

- Can I have some of your water? I'm out.
- You were supposed to ration.

One sip.

[horse whinnies]

[Patty chuckles] Ooh!

God damn it! That was my fucking water!

Here, have some of mine.

[Duray and Patty chuckle]

Maybe Roach'll let you drink
her buckets of sweat, Sandison.

[Nardi] Murphy!

- Up here with me, now.
- [spits]

[Duray chuckles]

Oh, you in trouble now, Fatison.

- I was tryin' to be nice.
- Enough of your excuses.

Listen, I see how
they're messing with you. I'm not blind.

But you gotta stop taking the bait.

You wanna be garbage all your life?

Don't let those girls
keep you in the gutter.

You decide who you wanna be.

And wash your face.
It'll help with the zits.

- So, in conclusion...
- [Black Cindy] Mmm-hmm.

...if you wanna heal those nasty scabs,
all you need is...

- lotion.
- Oxy.

- Right. Lotion.
- Mmm-hmm.

Anything can kick a cheese habit,
it's lotion.

- [both] Mmm-hmm.
- [Luschek snaps fingers]

Our producer is signaling to us
that we need to wrap up,

and you know we run a tight-ass ship.

- So, any last thoughts, Black Cindy?
- [mimics sad fanfare]

- I'm Tova.
- Tova.

Let's set things straight
right here, right now.

Okay.

- Yeah, um... So, before I sign off...
- Come on! I gotta take a leak.

[sighs] I wanna give a shout-out
to my girl, who's also your girl,

- Suzanne.
- Hi!

Miss you, boo. Um...

T's back. Come and play with us
in the yard sometime.

[Flaca] Thanks for keepin' it cute
with DIY Fly Flaca...

[Black Cindy] And your girl,
T-T-Tova, bringing you...

[both] ♪ Flava to the Max ♪

[sighs]

Where the fuck is Daddy with our plan?
She's had the whole day.

What we looking for?

Something to put in the electrical socket
to shock myself.

A wire hanger, a tuning fork...

How would you get that in prison?

I need adrenalin.
Choke me till I pass out.

I'm good.

Come on, Swope. You're up.

[Swope] Sorry, I have carpal tunnel.

Lazy cunts.

I'm amending my previous statement.
You're a lazy and clumsy cunt.

- I'll clean it up.
- [Vazquez chuckles]

Did you jerk off in there?

No.

Mmm-hmm. Then where's the mop?

- Hey, Chief.
- ["I'm On Fire" playing on car stereo]

They get you back, too?

No, I'm just waiting on somebody.

I'm never coming back to this dump.

I get it. You got PTSD, too.

Take your time.

It took me a few extra weeks
to come back to this place myself.

And listen... Sorry about
that mutiny thing on my part.

Anyway, water under the bridge?

I gotta get going.

You better get in there.
You don't wanna be late.

- Officer.
- Mmm-hmm.

I've been looking for love
in all the wrong places.

So, where are you taking me
on this first and final date?

Please tell me you made a reservation.

I called in a favor.

I got us in at that new
French place across town,

Château Abruti.

Ew. No, no, no. French is a no-go.

They put beurre on everything.

And "abruti" means "jerk" in French.

You booked us into the house of jerks,
which makes so much sense.

Fig, being this is our one and only date,

you think we can drop
the tough acts for once?

I wanna try and get a glimpse
of the real Natalie before I go.

Just a glimpse.

Glimpse is one of those words
that's English,

but sounds Yiddish, you know?

- [sighs]
- Like it's something Jews eat.

"I'll have a glimpse
with a side of sour cream."

Come on, Joe. This is what we do.

Fine. I will go along with your

weird role-playing-by-not-playing-a-role
fantasy game.

But it better make you
hard as a steel beam,

and turn off that noise. I hate Bruce.
He's not the boss of me.

How can you hate Bruce?

[switches off stereo]

I don't wanna talk about it.

Nat, I'm leaving town.
What have we got to lose?

[sighs]

I was at the concert
at the St. Paul Civic Center

the night the "Dancing in the Dark" video
was shot.

[chuckles]

Courteney Cox was two away from me
when she got pulled up from the crowd.

If I hadn't been too fat
to haul up onto the stage,

it could've been me
in that video with him.

It haunts me. [scoffs]

All that Friends money.
Jesus, she's so fucking rich.

You were fat?

Not for long after that. [scoffs]

The BS incident made me stop
diddling with bulimia

and get serious about my anorexia.

You know Courteney Cox was planted
in the audience, right?

That's a conspiracy theory.

You weren't there.
You don't know how real it was.

He picked that tiny-assed,
pixie-cutted waif.

And she had this amazing career
because of it.

But it doesn't matter.

It made me practical and pragmatic,
hardworking...

How's that going for you?

[scoffs]

Slow death by fluorescent lighting.

- Mmm. I hear you.
- [chuckles softly]

All right, let's go.

We'll go find a place
with some real light bulbs.

- [giggles]
- [Nicky] Nuh-uh.

Nah, he's not talking.

- No.
- No.

[sighs]

How about we go talk to eyebrows
over there instead?

My mother told me to stay away
from Cunt-Block trash like that.

Mmm-hmm.

One, your mom does not know
about gangs in prison.

And, two, Red is a Cunt-Block.

I haven't heard from her
since she got transferred to gen pop.

Come cross enemy lines with me.

It'll be a natural high.

No, no. I'll be staying here,
teaching my son about loyalties.

Well, your baby told me he's with C-Block.

- Please.
- Mmm-hmm.

[Lorna exhales deeply]

Hey.

Hey.

You know how Red's doing?

She's not talking to me.
She's not talking to no one.

Can you get her a message from me?

Don't you listen?
Roja's not talking to us.

What crawled up your snatch?

You still jonesing?
I thought you quit after the riot.

[scoffs] Fuck you. I'm not a junkie.
Purely recreational.

I'm jonesing for some semen
going up my toto.

Oh, wait. You comin' on to me?

[scoffs] Strictly hot dogs over seafood,
thank you very much.

Okay, so why don't you grab a cucumber
and bang one out?

There's no fresh produce over here.

What I want is a baby.

But by the time I get out of here,
it might be too late.

Doctor says
it's probably already too late.

Now, my pops and his new wifey

recently made
a fresh batch of white privilege,

and they are way older.

Two words: artificial insemination.

Right. I'm sure it's covered
by the prison HMO.

Uh, I suppose
it would be more a DIY project,

but scrappy is good.
It'd be like an Etsy pregnancy.

You know, totally doable.

I know because I used to inseminate cows
at rehab number four.

Check it out.

All you need is to smuggle in
some spunk from your boyfriend.

Then, you shoot it up your baby maker
with a turkey baster,

hang out with your legs in the air
for a half hour...

Ding. Easy-Bake Baby.

Where am I supposed to get
a turkey baster?

We use the dropper
from the commissary eye drops.

You know, clean out that bottle
real good, and...

How in the hell did you manage
to get into Florida, Doggett?

- I got my ways.
- Well, I bet you do.

You must've put on one hell of a show,
'cause you ain't a granny or a tranny,

and that just leaves looney tooney.

Hey, why am I in here?

No. I'm an old soul.

They're not relaxin' the rules, are they?

No, they wouldn't do that.
This is supposed to be a safe space.

It better be. I made a deal with the devil
to have my ass in here.

What kind of deal?

It's a secret deal.

If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret.
Would it?

Wouldn't telling it feel so much better?

No.

[Suzanne] Not hiding anything?

Not having to figure out whether or not
to go to the yard

to see your friends 'cause
you don't know what to say

'cause you're scared you don't deserve
to be their friend anymore,

but also scared
you're going to spill the secret?

And one friend would be mad at you,

and the first friend
would be mad at the other one,

and then you're hitting yourself
and screaming

and wishing you go back
to where you were before,

because you miss them.

Now, would that
or would that not be better?

You got a secret, Warren?

- No. Nope. Why would you think that?
- Oh.

No reason.

But if you ask me,
friends are a liability.

And that dung hole they call a yard
ain't even a real yard.

Just a bunch of bricks on a roof
with some slats over it,

where big, scary bullies hang out.

Thanks, brother.

- [indistinct chatter]
- [music playing]

Here's to seeing Beer Can
with an actual beer can.

Here's to watching Hell Bitch suck on one
for longer than a minute and a half.

- [Fig chuckles]
- No.

I saw Dixon was back.

Yes. Yes, you did.

You sure you wanna bring back old guards?

I mean, they weren't the sharpest tools
in the box to begin with.

And the riot couldn't have helped
with their PTSD.

They're bringing you back to prison,
albeit in Missouri.

You're probably right. They'll be fine.
They're tough.

- Like me.
- [both chuckle]

And the camp girls...
Are they adjusting to Max?

Taystee's in gen pop, right?

For someone who's leaving,

you're annoyingly curious
about the minutiae of my prison.

I'm just trying to make conversation.
I don't give a fuck.

Oh, come on, Joe.

Play this truth-telling game by the rules.

You do give a fuck. That's who you are.

That's the old me.

Missouri me will not get bogged down
by others,

and I'm gonna take care of me from now on.

What you did for them was for you.

Those girls mean something to you, and...

You helped them, sort of, in your own way.

[sighs] Yeah, yeah.

That's what you hate about me.

I don't hate you.

[karaoke host]
And we are back from break, folks.

Next up, we have Joseph C.

- Joseph C, come on up.
- [Caputo chuckles]

No. No, you... You didn't.
No, Joe. Don't...

["I'm On Fire" playing]

[laughs]

♪ Hey, little girl, is your daddy home? ♪

♪ Did he go away
And leave you all alone? ♪

[giggles]

- ♪ I got a bad desire ♪
- Oh...

♪ Oh, oh, oh, I'm on fire ♪

♪ Tell me now, baby, is he good to you? ♪

♪ Can he do to you the things that I do? ♪

♪ Oh, no, I can take you higher ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, I'm on fire ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, I'm on fire ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, I'm on fire ♪

No, no, no.

Go and get him, or I will.

[giggling]

I can't believe you're leaving.

Uh...

Excuse me.

Where are the memoirs?

Figure it out yourself, Caca-Block.

So you know,
I didn't have anything to do with it.

In fact, when they asked me,
I defied them.

- I'm on your side on this one.
- You wanna defect?

I wanna stay neutral.
I'm writing a memoir.

About prison.

About my experience.

I think I have a fresh perspective,
but I wanna make sure.

Can you help, please?

No memoirs here. Only law books.

That aisle is on assault,
and that one is on murder.

- I didn't murder anybody.
- Charlize Theron.

I think she's still alive. I think.

- Celebrity news travels slowly here.
- No.

To each, their own. Charlize Theron.

I like to replace phrases
with celebrity names that rhyme.

- You mind if I peruse?
- Charlize Theron.

Oh. I get it. Clever.

I can CeeLo Green how that works.

No, not for you.

- Do you know what these are?
- Oh.

A photo man used to come
and take pictures the inmates could buy.

Those ones didn't get paid for.

Don't waste your time.
The good ones for masturbation are gone.

Why are there photos of
C-and D-Block together?

It's a fairy tale
only the old biddies go on about.

Khakis and blues, having fun in the sun.

- But there's photo evidence.
- What does it matter now?

Crap-Block, with its dung
and piss everywhere, actin' like animals.

You know what happens to animals?
They get shot. Gutted.

Their skin flayed off
and tanned for leather.

Their meat cooked for food.
Blood drained. Bones cracked.

Well, I have everything I need.
Thank you for your help.

I'll leave you
to your riveting tales of...

Thank you for your help.

[upbeat music playing over cell phone]

Now headbang.

It's like EDM, but with vocal textures.

- That's the genius of Sssen.
- Who?

The band, Sssen,

like the name the witch gives the girl
in Miyazaki's Spirited Away,

but with extra silent S's
at the beginning.

You're sexy when you talk smart.

Now pretend you have glow sticks.

Oh. The head swing was bad,
but fuck the glow stick. Uh-uh.

[in Spanish]

Whoo!

[in English] I could dry hump
the first dick I see.

That would be Luschek.

I know, Flo.

Hey, he's the poor man's Chris Pratt.

- [Blanca scoffs]
- [Gloria laughs]

I accept that.

[music stops]

Aw! Turn it back on.

Ladies, ladies, you flatter me.

That's all my heart could take for today.
Come back Friday.

I'm tryin' to get LED headbands
through security, so... [clicks tongue]

Huh?

Thanks for the rave, Luschek.

Haven't been to one in years.
I especially liked this move.

Ooh...

- [chuckles]
- Oh, yeah.

I'll have all new songs on Friday.

Hope you bring more electricity next time.

Right. Next time, I'm gonna really
show 'em how to charge it up.

Enough cutesy code shit.

Maybe there'll even be somethin' extra
in it for ya

if you bring the phones in faster.

- Bitches love 'em some Snapchat.
- [chuckles]

Somebody stole a piece.

Fuckin' bitches. I got a plan
to take 'em down. You in?

Nah, I wanna lay low. Can't risk getting
extra time in this circle of hell.

If we don't do something,

there will be more Durays and Pattys
waiting for us on the outside.

We gotta write our own stories.

- What you got in mind?
- Follow my lead.

[Roach grunts]

Hey, everybody.

Watch me spray a roach.

[Roach screams]

[Nardi] On the ground!

Stop! Hey! Get her down!

- Get her down!
- [counselor] On the ground!

What happened? What'd I miss?

[Roach screams]

Badison burned herself a roach.

- [Roach cries]
- [counselor] Call 911!

Someone put you up to this or what?
Why you sittin' here?

'Cause it's a chair.

They call me guard goat.

This won't get you popular
with the pendejas around here, so...

I don't give a fuck.

I could sit next to anyone
in this motherfucker

and not give a fuck about nothin'.

[Maria sighs] Right.

This how you dealin' with your extra time?

I don't know what you talkin' about.

I'm walking on fuckin' air. Like Jesus.
But with air.

[Black Cindy speaking indistinctly]

Suzanne!

[shrieks excitedly] What's up?
What's up? Oh, man.

- Not mine.
- Me, neither.

Doesn't look like it'll get stabby
or sexy anyway.

All right. Simmer down, inmates.

Yo, it's good to see you.

How you been?

Ain't it good to see Taystee?

Sure. It's good to see you.

I got somethin' that will put a smile
on that face.

Look, people been talkin' about Poussey,
even the papers.

I mean, we got copycat riots going on.

We are making the change.

We are being the change.

Everything's goin' our way.

[Taystee] Hey.

They treatin' you okay in here?

You got your meds all straight?

Your mama comin' to visit you...

Stop! Stop smothering me.

I'm not a child.
I can take care of myself.

I don't need you two always
all over me all the time.

Okay.

Uh, my bad. I hear you. I'll back up.
I wanted to be sure you was okay.

I'm fine. Or, at least, I was fine until
you two made me come up here.

This dung hole.

It's not even a real yard.
It's a bunch of bricks with big bullies.

- What makes her feel that way?
- Mmm-mmm.

Where you keepin' 'em?

What?

- What are you talkin' about?
- Holy shit.

You swallowed Barb's whole stash?
You idiot. What the fuck?

Relax. I got a few left.
She'll never know.

- Do you know how fucked I am now?
- [sighs]

I thought you had a huge plan.

I had one, but he pussied out,

and no other guard will touch
our damaged D-Block asses.

That was all I had left.

I'm unleashing my girls on you.
They'll fuck you up.

- Yeah? Come on.
- I know how to really hurt you.

Okay. I've got the answer
to all our problems.

- A time machine?
- Kinda. Sorta.

We're gonna bring back kickball.

Oh, Christ.

It was a time of peace and fun.
Inmates of all blocks would play together.

People need something nice here,
and I think we could give them it.

"We"? I thought we were writing a memoir.

Exactly. This would be a more hopeful note
to send the reader off on.

As of now, the takeaway is that
I've made prison worse.

But if I do a good deed,
all's well that Denzel.

- What?
- It's a thing.

It's tricky, but I can teach you.

No.

Yo, Gapman, I need a second private
with your missus-to-be.

Anything you wanna say to her,
you can say to me.

That's why we're gonna be Mrs. and Mrs.

Enemies close, remember?

Charlize Theron.

Our plan fuckin' worked.

And it turns out

a phone's worth ten times more
than a gram of coke.

Carol will beg for me to come back.

Best of all, everyone's gonna know
how badass I am.

I'm glad it worked out for you.
You might wanna keep a low profile.

Hey, you're my right-hand gal.

We gotta game plan the bigger picture.

I'm not gonna be a player in your game.

I did you a solid,
laying off Gapman and all.

This is me,
collectin' on the fuckin' favor.

I'm not fucking waiting on Daddy anymore.
I need drugs now.

- One of those is mine.
- Mother-forgetter, the other two are mine.

- Give me drugs.
- What drugs?

[Annalisa] Don't play dumb.

You guys been keeping them all
for yourself.

Junkie. I don't deal drugs no more.
It's Carol's thing now.

You hidin' them in that smelly thing?
Bet your arm's not even broken.

[grunts]

- Fucking bitch.
- [Annalisa grunts]

I swear.

[gasps]

- Don't mess with D-Block!
- [Annalisa] Fuck.

Shit!

- Oh, fuck.
- [groaning]

- Are you okay?
- Take it. Take it.

- I'm not fucking with that.
- Take the fucking thing.

[screams]

- [Piper] Hey, are you hurt?
- [Alex] Let's go.

[groans]

[inmate] That's right, that's right!

[all clamoring and yelling]

♪ I'm gonna fuck you up, gonna cut you up
Gonna fuck you up ♪

♪ And then I'm gonna fuck you up
Gonna cut you up, gonna fuck you up ♪

♪ I'm gonna cut your hair ♪

♪ Now, won't you stare? ♪

♪ I'm gonna cut your hair ♪

♪ And then I want you to stare ♪

♪ Once... ♪

♪ I spy with my little eye ♪

♪ Bad, bad, bad, bad bitches ♪

♪ Bitches, bitches, bitches ♪