Orange Is the New Black (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 4 - I'm the Talking Ass - full transcript
Aleida struggles to find work on the outside. Backed into a corner, Nikki pleads her case to Red. Taystee reaches out to Caputo for help.
Good morning, Litchfield Max!
And greetings to our new cookies.
We hope you're sweet and not salty.
Carpe diem, ladies,
because today is the first day
of the rest of your life.
And if you're serving life
and this is the first day
of the rest of your sentence,
then that's one less day than yesterday.
Announcements.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
The kitchen ladies want to remind us
that they have to clean off the trays
that we eat off of.
So treat those trays with some respect.
And for all of you
who have filed complaints against me,
I got another announcement.
You're trolls.
Go back under your bridge
and eat some goats, why don't ya?
My voice is my power.
On the outside, when I would talk,
my husband would say, "Shut up, Cathy."
Well, he's not saying
anything anymore, is he?
And I... I will never shut up.
Find your voice, people.
Claim your power.
That is the lesson for today.
- Boo!
- Okay.
You're an asshole.
Did you sleep okay, Nicky?
Interesting question there.
Uh, my institutional depression
and the sweet escape that sleep promises
usually has me down for the count,
but weirdly,
I have been battling some insomnia lately.
It couldn't be
the 24 hour florescent lighting,
lack of windows, constant observation
or the very real possibility
of spending the rest of my life here
that's keeping me up, huh?
As soon as you sign this statement,
we'll get you moved to general population.
We'll get you a window at least.
Huh.
- Okay.
- Something not to your liking?
It's supposed to be my statement.
We can still make small tweaks.
Uh, this part here, where it says that
"Reznikov is guilty of kidnapping
and false imprisonment."
So, it's "false imprisonment"
as opposed to...
"true imprisonment"?
- Nicky, stop being a smart-ass.
- Huh?
Just sign the damn thing.
I don't want you putting words
in my mouth.
These are legal terms.
What if, instead of Red,
I say it was Frieda?
Look, I'm telling you
she is shady as fuck.
Reznikov is the person
the feds are building a case against.
You said yourself Reznikov was the one
that lured in Piscatella.
Jesus. Just call her Red, okay?
- In the statement?
- No. No.
Just now. You know, she's my friend, so...
What if I just talk to her, uh,
one more time
and see if there's
any other options, okay?
You think there's a better deal
than getting 70 years' worth
of drug charges dropped?
You want 'em to pay you, too?
Talking to Reznikov is the worst thing
that you can do right now, Nicky.
If she accepts a plea deal
before you sign this,
- then this deal's off the table.
- Yeah.
And you're facing another 70 years
in this shithole.
My God, I know. Okay.
Just stop telling me what to do.
- I don't have time for this bullshit.
- Oh, okay.
Nicky, the deal from the AUSA
is on the table until 5:00 p.m.
We're heading back to the city now.
I thought we were gonna stay upstate,
go for a hike.
Babe, I've already got reflux,
I am not getting Lyme disease.
And you, my dear, you wanna stay here
the rest of your life?
I don't know what to tell you.
"And it is in the story of Balaam
and his talking donkey that..."
Don't swallow your words.
"What once was to be a curse
became a blessing for the Jewish people."
This is a six, really?
It runs small. It's French.
Then get me a dress
from a country that isn't determined
to make Americans feel bad.
Don't stop, darling.
Shoulders down, eye contact.
"Speaking of blessings,
I want to thank my mother,
who's a role model to everyone..."
Don't say role model.
It points out I'm not a model-model.
Say I'm an inspiration.
"Thanks to my father, Les,
to Rabbi Epstein, Pamela Schwaid..."
Why are you thanking Pamela?
For breaking up my marriage
to your father?
Technically, that was Genevieve.
I'm thanking Pamela
for proofreading my speech,
for picking me up from Hebrew School
and for getting the DJ.
Fine, it's your Bat Mitzvah.
I'm just asking you not to shame me
in front of everyone I know.
And what was that whole "sometimes
you have to trust a talking ass"?
Dad thought it was funny.
Ass is another word for donkey.
It's also another word for your father.
Change it.
No. Let's go back to the
French one. A size up. God damn it.
Yes, of course.
I promise, after this,
we'll look for a dress for you.
And maybe get that mop on your head
flat ironed.
- So who'd you rat out?
- Nobody.
Every bitch that got out early
ratted out somebody else.
So who did you rat out?
I'm no fuckin' rat.
Took a plea for ten fuckin' years.
Them cocksuckers said
I was a riot organizer.
How much time you got?
Six months.
Your skinny ass was on TV,
and I'm the fuckin' organizer? Fuck.
That's some white privilege bullshit
right there.
You seemed pretty organized
in the chapel with the hostages.
- Bitch, you rat me out?
- No.
Jesus.
What do you want?
- You got a quarter?
- Of course I don't have a quarter.
Uh-huh. Figured the tooth fairy would've
left you something for that
fucked up mouth.
Fuck off.
Hey, I got you into medical, didn't I?
Last time I do you a favor.
Keep it down, inmates.
Murphy, I'm watching you.
- How much time you getting?
- I don't know yet.
You know how I can tell you're lying?
You get this thing right here...
- I'm not lying.
- Oh, I see it.
And I'm never gonna forget it, neither.
D-Block. Ruiz, Trejas, this is your stop.
Okay. Let's go.
Weather today is...
Well, I won't really know till rec time.
It sure feels hot as heck,
but I also have an infected toe,
so it could just be I'm running a fever.
She is straight up disgusting.
I don't wanna think about
that bitch's pus toe.
If I was on the radio,
I would do something like a Loveline,
and call it Flaca-line,
and talk about how you can solve
what's wrong on the inside
by fixing your outsides.
Hey, um, I think you should go to medical.
Yeah, I'm gonna ask a guard to take me
right after he beats me up again.
Shit, that sucks.
On the positive side,
that janky blonde streak you got
is growing out kinda cool.
I wish Maritza could see you.
She always said
it would grow out shitty and break.
You know that girl
that's a guy, but she's a girl?
Uh, yeah, Papi or something.
She keeps on giving me oxy.
- I haven't taken any.
- You better be careful.
Opioid constipation,
that shit ain't no joke.
I knew this one kid who was on oxy.
He didn't shit for, like, two weeks.
Finally he got so desperate,
he went into his own ass and took it out.
Ew.
- True story.
- Ugh.
No one ever shook his hand again.
Bitch, we missed you!
I can do your nails later
if you want.
How's your arm?
How's my arm?
It's okey-fucking-dokey, shitbrains.
Hey, you two, meet your new family.
These C-Block bitches
will either save your life,
or make you want to die.
Your choice.
Family, this is proof of evolution.
This is Gapman.
Smile, Gapman.
No, no, no, no, no.
Show us your gap, Gapman.
Eckelcamp, what's so funny?
Just... you said Gapman,
and she has a gap.
What you don't know
is that her real name is Chapman.
So it's super funny,
but you didn't know that.
Sorry.
You fuck with my timing
when you laugh too early like that.
Flores, you are in C203.
Chapman, C107.
Hoefler, you're in C210 now.
Aw. I don't get to be roomies
with the baby killer no more?
I'm gonna miss you, scary mommy. Mmm.
Don't do that baby voice.
You know I hate it.
Sorry, Carol.
Come on, inmate. Get dressed.
Time to go to interrogation.
How come they took so long to talk to me?
Mmm-mmm.
You don't have anything.
How could you lose something in here?
You ever see that video
of that guy who gets home
and there's garbage all over the place
and he's like,
"Which dog got in the trash?"
And his first dog is just smiling,
wagging his tail.
And same thing with the second dog.
Then he gets to his third dog...
How many dogs this man have?
Let me guess. He's white?
Yeah, definitely.
So, then he gets to the third dog,
and he's this big guy with the whole top
of a garbage lid stuck around his head.
It's... really funny.
Hey, you remember Mr. G?
The manager, he used to watch those videos
of soldiers coming home
surprising their dogs.
Yeah, he used
to watch them fuckin' videos and cry
instead of countin' out the register.
Made closing up take forever.
See now, what I don't get
is why he never got a dog.
He said he was waiting until he retired.
He died, by the way.
Got hit by a drunk driver
in the drive-through. Mmm...
- Shit, that's sad.
- Yeah.
He should've got a dog.
You can't put things off.
What?
How the hell are you so calm?
I dunno, caffeine's mellow for me, man.
Kinda like how, uh, Ritalin
makes ADD kids sleepy.
I'm not talking about coffee, ding-dong.
The last time we were in a prison,
we were... you know.
Aren't you freaking the fuck out?
We have to face our demons.
Satan needs to know he's not in charge.
What's your secret?
You a weird Mormon, too?
Honestly...
I've been jerkin' it pretty much nonstop
since I got home.
It's like meditation, but with your hands.
"Hands"?
Yeah. I mean, you gotta tickle the taint.
Blake, you know what I'm talking about,
right, buddy?
...Friday at noon, though,
honestly, by Thursday would be great,
because my algorithms and...
Hello.
Anybody care for a pretzel?
Good to see you, Luschek.
You must be McCullough and Blake.
Guys, these are the guards from the camp.
Absolutely should be part of the League.
Hop, this isn't exactly something
for public purview here.
These heroes shit in buckets
for three days.
They're not about to go
all PC bullshit on us.
They're true blue.
Besides, last time I checked,
more teams in the League,
more money in the pot.
And when I'm gambling, I wanna win big.
Holy shit. Holy shit.
Is this fuckin' Fantasy Inmate?
This was legend at camp.
I didn't think it was real.
I didn't dare to hope, you know.
Real as rain.
It's 100 bucks to play,
and the draft is next Friday.
Yeah, I don't gamble.
I fuckin' knew it.
I'm in. So is he.
Where's the draft party?
There's no party. We do an absentee ballot
that I collect and then I distribute
the team lists on Sunday.
That sucks.
As League commissioner,
I can assure you
that no one's had any complaints before.
Al, don't get your panties all in a bunch.
Just get some ballots
for the new guys, okay?
I gotta say. I've always wanted
to gamble on human lives.
So this is just a dream come true.
I like to keep it clean
around here.
So get to cleaning, roomie.
Hey, Snagglepuss?
I just got rid of one shit roommate.
Really hoping I don't got another one.
Look, you're the boss.
I'm not challenging you, okay?
I just need a minute.
Oh.
I'm so sorry.
Is the new cookie
crumbling already?
Get the fuck up and clean.
I'm not asking you to understand
or give me a break.
I'm just goin' through some shit, okay?
Like what?
Hey.
I'm trying to be understanding,
but, uh, you gotta communicate
for me to understand.
Is this about that chick
that you were looking for in medical?
Was she your girlfriend?
- My fiancée.
- You still haven't found her?
I think that she might be dead.
Tell you what.
You got ten minutes to cry this shit out,
and then you get up,
and you clean this place up nice.
We've all had fiancés die.
Nut up, buttercup.
Okay.
Playland opens up in half an hour.
I don't wanna miss any rides
'cause you two got caught up
in your clothes shopping.
I'm not trying to buy a cute top.
I'm trying to buy a disguise, remember?
Do you realize there's cameras everywhere
in amusement parks?
In lieu of the souvenirs
and the childnappings.
Like, I can't go looking like me.
- We'll be quick, I promise.
- Okay.
But then we're out the door
and in the car in 20 minutes.
Okay, Dad.
You gotta be nicer to him.
I'm trying, okay? But he weirds me out.
How do we even know we can trust him?
If he wanted to turn us in,
he would've done it already.
All right? You heard him.
He wants to talk about his feelings
or face our demons together
or something, okay?
You gotta be smooth
until we can cut him loose.
- Okay?
- Okay.
There are tons of Halloween costumes.
What about this one?
You know, nurses wear those in pornos,
not in real life.
But still, that's a good eye.
Really good eye there, buddy.
Hold on a second.
He doesn't think I'm down for,
like, a threesome, right?
- Neither am I.
- Okay.
At least not a devil's threesome.
How about this one?
Yeah. 'Cause no one would
notice me at an amusement park in that.
But, hey. Good thinking.
You're funny. That is a creative thought.
You're hilarious, actually.
- This one's a little girl.
- That's a little girl?
Uh, you mean a skanky Dorothy
from a slutty Wizard of Oz?
I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you.
I'm just pissed because Halloween
ain't about candy anymore.
It's just an excuse
for girls to get naked.
It's okay, though.
I have an idea. Be right back.
- Excuse me.
- Hurry up, okay?
Did you know that when Judy Garland
was in The Wizard of Oz,
and she was playing a 10-year-old,
she was really 39?
No, she wasn't. She was 17.
That's really weird.
I wonder where I got 39 from.
Maybe 'cause that's the average
number of weeks for human gestation.
Yeah, that could be it.
This is Ad Seg.
It's the, uh, lighter side of SHU.
You might actually see some familiar faces
in here awaiting trial.
Hey, uh...
Hey, um, I've been thinking about this.
You need to have a draft party
to kick off a fantasy league.
And for morale. League unity.
Look, I'd love it, but Alvarez
already gets overwhelmed,
so it's probably better not to.
Totally, totally. Al seems awesome.
Let me ask you, what kinda thing
should I be looking for in a draft pick?
Well, you get solid points
for a concussion,
a fight with scratching,
a fight with hair pulling. Gouging.
So it's good to get a fighter?
Sure, or somebody
that people like to beat up.
Then there's other things.
Like an inmate who's sober
then relapses, that's double points.
And you know what? Some of the new inmates
might come in handy.
Uh, yeah, I actually don't know 'em
all that well, so...
- I try to keep a professional distance.
- Hmm.
Vause, C102. Cabrera, C205, upstairs.
I never lived somewhere
that had an upstairs before.
Really moving on up.
I wouldn't even work in your
piece of shit grocery store
if you got on your knees and begged me to!
I'm sorry, ma'am.
It's not up to me.
The company has a strict policy about...
Don't you tell me shit about shit.
Oh, you'll hire that Down Syndrome
motherfucker but not me?
- He's just old.
- Get the fuck out my face.
It's just... I don't think that you paid
for that bottle of water.
I brought it with me!
Fair enough. Have a good day.
You've got a great voice, very powerful.
It matches your whole presence.
Yo, I don't know what you selling,
but I ain't buying shit, okay?
'Course not.
These are weight loss supplements,
and you clearly have a fantastic body.
You're like a walking after picture.
You know why that idiot store manager
wouldn't hire you?
Yeah, 'cause of my record,
which I gotta tell them about.
It's because he knew
he could never be the boss of you.
Weak leaders hire weak workers.
Yeah, well, I better find a strong-ass
leader soon, 'cause I need a J-O-B.
Oh, I've been there.
When I first started
working for Nutri Herbal,
it was just while my kids were at school
to make some extra cash.
But then, I started making
six grand a month, part-time.
Six grand?
To start off with, sure.
But there's no telling
how high it could go.
You wanna try a shake? It's delicious.
Your earrings are fabulous.
Thank you.
You got this
in a Cookies and Cream flavor?
Excuse me, can you help me find my cell?
Ow! Fuck!
Alex.
I'm sorry, do I know you?
I suffered a head injury.
Things are a little fuzzy.
It's me.
I'm your fiancée.
I'm gay?
- Fuck you, you fucking bitch!
- Stop.
I thought that you were dead.
I thought they killed you.
Yeah, I'm definitely gay.
Hey.
No kissy-facey, no touchy-touchy.
This is not prom, ladies.
- Tasha Jefferson?
- Yes?
Hi, how are ya?
I'm Sue Gillan, public defender.
Let's review your options here, shall we?
Uh, I thought I was supposed to be
talkin' to the investigators.
Nobody asked me anything
about what happened,
or what I was doing or nothin'.
They don't need to.
The US attorney has gathered enough
information to charge you with...
Organizing the riot at Litchfield camp,
and the second degree murder
of CO Desi Piscatella.
What?
I didn't kill him.
I didn't even know he was dead.
That's how much I didn't kill him.
That's crazy!
They have evidence and witness testimony
saying that you did.
I understand that you're upset.
But I didn't do anything.
I wanted to,
I could have, but I didn't.
It doesn't matter.
It probably feels like it should,
but I'm telling you that it doesn't.
All that really matters
is that this whole riot
has been an embarrassment
for the governor,
and the US attorney is looking at this
to make a name for himself.
Okay. So what are you saying?
As your attorney, I am strongly advising
that you do not take this to trial.
I don't know what kind of
plea deal I can get for you,
but the one thing you have going for you
is their desire to contain this.
The fuck, yo? I didn't murder anyone!
Tasha, this is so much bigger than you.
A lot of eyes are watching
to see how this plays out.
Look.
This came out today.
And the more press this gets,
the more pressure they're under
to bury you.
The only thing worse
than being the scapegoat
is being a scapegoat
with a crowd watching.
Hi, Mom. I need to talk to you
about something important.
Oh, what's that, Yuri?
You saw a terrible movie?
O h, yes! Yes, yes, yes.
The one where Blondie and Octopus Tattoo
and Bubble Butt and the feral Dominicana
were all traitorous pizdas!
That's "cunt" in Russian, Yuri.
In case you didn't know.
Wait, mom, mom. Hey, slow down, all right?
I only get one call in here,
so I need you to listen
and focus beyond your rage.
Movie could have been so much better
if the daughter had only spoken up,
said the shit monster giant
had showed up on his own.
Because this script
is filled with contradictions.
And with the daughter
doing the right and true thing,
the traitorous pizda cunts
would all look like liars in the movie.
Hey, could you keep down the spoilers?
I may want to see this movie someday.
I don't know.
Perhaps Mr. Terry Gilliam.
Has he made a new movie?
Mom, it is more complicated than that.
But Yuri, why are you defending them?
To me, now they are dead.
They're ghosts.
Ghosts that should die again with pain.
Damn it, Mom.
I am looking at 70 years
on trumped-up drug charges.
- What?
- Yeah.
Unless I tell them
about you bringing him there.
Keeping him hostage. You know, the truth.
Mom?
Come on. Please.
Okay, so what?
So I guess I'm a ghost now, too?
"...from so far. The Torah portion..."
What's up with the shiksa hair?
I thought this was a Bat Mitzvah,
not a country club assimilation rally.
Let me see.
I think it looks great.
Very Gwyneth Paltrow.
Why'd you take out the talking ass bit?
It's literally in the Bible.
Oh, Jesus. I can smell your mother
all over this speech.
This may look horrifying,
but you should know
that he control freaks from love.
Yeah, I'm the control freak.
Look what that woman did to her head.
I wish my hair looked like yours.
You didn't even thank Pamela.
Amen.
"Welcome to those of you
who have traveled from so far.
Even from below 14th Street.
The Torah portion I read told the story
of Balaam, the pagan prophet,
and teaches us..."
Basically, he was supposed
to curse the Jews
because surprise, surprise,
everyone always hates the Jews.
That's how I know I'm definitely Jewish.
Even my own parents hate me.
I mean, they love me.
They'd just love me more if I wasn't me.
So Balaam's riding an ass...
...and God sends down an angel,
but only the donkey sees it,
which makes Balaam whip him a bunch
until he finally says,
"Knock it off. There's an angel there."
So I guess the lesson is
God can make a donkey talk?
But what I wanna know is
why did God let the donkey
get whipped a bunch
until he finally gave him
the power of speech?
I mean, whatever.
God also let six million JJews
die in the Holocaust.
So he might just be
phoning things in at this point.
You know about phoning things in,
right, Dad?
I mean, not with your whole career,
of course.
This is the first Saturday my dad
hasn't had to go to work in six years.
And the custody agreement
is that he has me on Saturdays.
You know what I'm saying, right, Mom?
Oh, you don't?
Because you never listen to me?
The thing is,
I actually like this Torah portion.
Because I'm the ass,
and I can finally talk.
So here's what I want to know.
Why is it so important to God
that you honor your mother and father
when they really
don't give a shit about you?
The key to selling
Nutri Herbal isn't selling, it's seeing.
What do you think most people think
when they see a potential customer?
Dummy.
Right, customer.
But at Nutri Herbal, we see potential.
No matter what their circumstance,
people have the potential for greatness.
- Do you believe that?
- Hell, no.
Good!
Now let's get your potential customer
to believe it, too.
Believe it, achieve it.
And they can achieve it with Nutri Herbal.
Start with a compliment.
If you don't know what else to say, try,
"You have a great voice."
"You have a powerful presence."
"Great earrings."
Fucking cabrona.
Remember, it's about seeing,
so be in tune with their body.
I want it with you.
Immigration is doing raids
all the fucking time.
I don't give a fuck
about no red tape.
I didn't even get
any extra time added. That's a sign.
Oh, my God.
What the fuck happened to you?
I fell down some stairs.
Yo.
If some bitch tries to step up,
you can't back down.
Please stop telling me what to do, okay?
Fine.
Can I at least ask
what's happening with the trial?
I took a plea. Second degree murder.
What?
Why would you do that?
You can't give up like that.
You were provoked.
You got that postpartum shit.
If I went to trial,
I could've gotten the death penalty.
So I took life.
And I figured if I was in gen pop,
the guards would stop beating on me.
Have they?
No. But it's less.
More people around to keep them busy.
You're never getting out.
Outside sucks anyway.
Your hair looks great. Like, real thick.
My Little Pony thick.
You're so beautiful.
And you have potential.
You can be the greatest you
that you can be.
- Believe it, achieve it.
- All right.
That's bullshit. We hardly talked!
Don't touch her!
Hey, shut up! Let's go.
You think you're a big fucking man now?
Beating up on girls?
I said shut up!
Oh, you gonna put hands on me?
I'm not an inmate. I got rights now.
Plus, I just had a spirulina smoothie,
so let's go.
- Yeah?
- Hellman, step down. Look, I got this.
Yeah, step down. Gato pendejo!
- What'd you say, bitch?
- Hey, hey, hey. Hey! Back off!
I am so sorry for his behavior.
That's no way to talk to a lady.
It's Aleida, stupid.
Well, that is a beautiful name.
Uh, I'm Rick Hopper.
Uh, can I get you a cold beverage?
Maybe walk you to your car?
- You look like you work out.
- Oh.
I dabble in CrossFit.
You try supplements?
It would really help you
with your potential.
Get to the next level.
Hell, yeah! Eat shit, ducks!
Ah-ha!
So what was she in for, anyway?
I don't know exactly.
Sounds like you two
have a real soul connection.
We talk about other stuff.
I get it.
Where'd you do it?
The laundry room? Showers?
One of them van rides?
Look, man, that's really personal.
My bad.
No, it's just the power dynamics
between me and her
were really messed up in the beginning,
that's all.
- I get it. Power stuff.
- Mmm-hmm.
- She tie you up?
- What?
Are you kidding? No. Fuck, man.
When you say shit like that,
it's disrespectful.
Sorry.
Sorry.
For what it's worth, I like to be
blindfolded once in a while. That's all.
Look what I won!
Nice job!
Nailed it.
It kinda looks like Dixon. Look.
Make that face.
- Twins!
- Yeah.
I'm gonna call him Baby Dix.
All right.
- What's wrong?
- I need you to do me a favor.
I can't do anything for you.
You know that.
I just need you to get a message
to a person. All right?
Come on, Tamika.
If you was ever my friend,
please do this for me.
Your mouth is so jacked up.
You gonna get caps?
I haven't actually been able
to make an appointment
with my prosthodontist.
Your what?
I think it's cute.
I've always wanted
a girlfriend in a jug band.
Sorry, fiancée in a jug band.
So where did they take you guys, anyway?
All of us too injured
for basic prison duct tape doctoring
were brought to a real hospital.
Also really handcuffed to our beds.
But at least we didn't get extra time.
Except for Rocky Face.
She got eternal time in the afterlife.
Yeah, Kukudio died.
That was the inmate who died.
Bet they went closed casket
on that funeral.
Then I got surgery on my shoulder,
and then a surgery to fix that surgery...
- Mmm-hmm.
- All thanks to that prick, Piscatella.
Well, Piscatella's dead, so you win,
I guess.
Maybe the afterlife is this amazing place,
and we're all idiots
for trying so hard to stay alive.
- What?
- What? Nobody knows what really happens.
Who killed Piscatella?
One of the ladies still stuck in Ad Seg,
I guess.
You okay?
His dick was huge.
I said, "Hey, I wanted to fuck
a pipe like that,
I would've gone over to my stepdad's."
Ugh. That's gross.
My stepdad's a plumber. Get it?
Second you made us think of incest,
your funny was dead.
I said stepdad.
It's a fail. Let it go.
Now, what do you got for me?
I found Frieda.
She just got out of Ad Seg.
Not sure where she got assigned yet.
Bitch skated into Florida.
Got any info I don't already know?
Then you still got jack shit.
Guess you broke that arm for nothing, huh?
Now, that's funny.
Ladies?
That's it?
Unless you magically learned
how to play bridge, then yeah, that's it.
I thought that you were dead,
I thought that it was Red's fault.
I didn't know. You were gone.
Oh my God, poor Red.
Listen, Red is a big, tough girl.
She's gonna be fine.
Twinsies!
Looks like you either
got over your fiancée real fast,
or she has risen.
Thank you for your concern.
I love love.
Hey, hey, uh, considering you two
have been separated for so long,
maybe you want to be in the cell
right next to me and Gapman?
- Please don't.
- You don't have to do that.
No. No problemo. Akers!
I got mad juice around here.
Baby girl, I need you to apply
for a cell swap with Glasses over here.
What, for real? Badison, that's bullshit.
Are you saying no?
It's just, I like living next to you.
Come on, don't be like that.
Fine. I'll go make the request.
Good girl.
I'm like fuckin' Oprah around here.
Jesus fuck! That looks really painful.
You been pickin' at the scabs up there?
I have not. They need to heal.
Oh, I'd just be pickin',
pickin' at 'em all the time.
That's not who you are though,
is it, Ms. Reznikov?
Not impulsive.
CO Piscatella on the other hand,
he lost control.
Why did he scalp you?
What did you do to him?
Do you always ask the victim
what their attacker was thinking?
When he's been shot dead, sure.
Check the gun for fingerprints.
I never touched any gun.
No, that's not your style.
You tell other people what to do.
You're a natural leader.
You lured CO Piscatella into your bunker,
held him hostage
and ordered your followers to kill him.
No, I did not. No.
What? No to the kidnapping?
Or no to ordering the hit?
Oh, you didn't kill him directly, fine.
Give us some names then.
What? Jefferson? That old killer, Berlin?
I have no names for you.
They were there. They followed you
down there, didn't they?
They'd follow you anywhere.
You need to help us so we can help you.
Do you really wanna die in prison,
Ms. Reznikov?
Now I see what you do to people.
♪ If you show me how ♪
♪ When you are around ♪
- Whoo!
- ♪ I don't know what to do ♪
♪ I don't know what to do
When I'm with you ♪
♪ You rant and rattle on ♪
♪ I don't know what to do ♪
♪ I don't know what to do
When I'm with you ♪
♪ When I'm with you ♪
♪ When I'm with you ♪
♪ When I'm with you ♪
♪ When I'm with you ♪
Apparently, it was like three out of five.
- Faggots!
- Whoa!
- What'd you just say?
- It's cool.
I said faggots. Rhymes with maggots.
Come on, man. Let's just go.
You want me to say it louder
so your faggy bear can hear it, too?
What the fuck did you say?
Look, we weren't even talking to you.
You were talking to my friends,
which means you were talking to me.
And those faggots over there...
Their whole relationship,
they've had to put up
with people from the outside judging it.
Or hiding it.
Like getting through
the colossal complexities
of maintaining a relationship
ain't hard enough.
They finally get a chance to get away
from everything and have some fun,
and you gotta ruin it for 'em,
you hate criminal.
Whatever, man.
No! Not whatever!
Those faggots are my friends!
Because when I told them,
"Hey! I know we don't know
each other that well,
because how well can we
ever really know one another
when we're all just a collection
of skin masks covering up our fears."
I said to them,
"Would it be cool
if I came on your vacation getaway?"
And they said, "Yes."
So y'all can fuck?
Nice.
Thank you so much, Tamika.
It's CO Ward.
And this is the only favor
you ever get from me.
I gotta say, I miss the lip sweater,
but it's good to see that face.
Taystee, what am I doing here?
They're trying to make me
the scapegoat for the riot.
They're sayin' that I killed Piscatella.
Did you?
How could you say that?
You was with me for most of the riot.
I was trying to make real change.
We could have had real change.
You wanted revenge more.
I wanted justice.
That is not the same thing as revenge.
I saw this article about that other riot,
and they put Poussey's name in the paper.
Maybe we did make real change.
Okay. Look, Taystee,
what do you want me to do?
I'm on suspension.
Nobody wants to hear shit from
the pissant warden who let a riot start.
My public defender is saying
that I am going to be locked up
for the rest of my life.
I'm scared, Mr. Caputo.
And I need your help. Please.
You know I ain't got nobody else.
Hey, uh,
so I'm gonna head to Costco,
stock up for the draft party next Friday.
Did you know you can buy
an African safari at Costco?
I fuckin' love that place, man.
You guys wanna come?
I thought Alvarez said no party.
I basically got the okay
from Hopper, huh?
And it's better to ask for forgiveness
than permission, right?
Pretty sure that's the opposite lesson
in prison.
Oh.
I gotta go pick up a ride.
You're driving Lyft now?
It's just for a few hours.
Can't really fall asleep anyway.
And if I do, I get nightmares.
And I need the money.
And I've kinda been isolating myself
lately, so it gets me around people.
People who aren't criminals.
At least not yet.
Plus, if I know I have to drive,
I drink less.
And like I said, I need the money, so...
Hey, you wanna chip in or anything
for party snacks?
Woof. McCullough's not doin' so well.
She seem sexier to you?
You know, like, suddenly she seems sexier.
Thank you for coming.
The fuck was that speech?
You humiliated me
in front of everyone I know.
Some people thought it was funny.
I moved heaven and earth
to get Elaine Lerner to plan your party.
This is the thanks I get?
I'm only glad your grandparents are dead
so they didn't hear you
disrespect your parents in shul.
It would've killed them.
I can't even look at you right now.
You are grounded.
From my own Bat Mitzvah?
Right after the party.
You go straight home.
In fact, you go straight
to your father's house.
No. I'm not taking her.
Oh, of course. So I'm stuck with her?
- What else is new?
- I don't want her.
I'm really, really sorry.
Some things are not forgivable.
Nichols, you're going to gen pop.
Shut the fuck up!
It's okay.
When you finally
find your voice, it can be scary.
You think no one will love the real you.
But actually, it is the only way
that you will find someone who will.
Otherwise, you're just stuck
listening to the voices in your head
giving you bad advice.
You like that, Diaz?
I think I'm gonna say that tomorrow.
Or maybe I should work on
my rap song some more?
Every second feels like forever, right?
So the next time Badison asks you
to do something,
zero seconds before you say yes.
Also, I like to shit naked.
Welcome to your new normal, bitch.
♪ Oh, you're bad enough to me ♪
♪ Bad enough that we ♪
♪ Always have something to get over ♪
♪ Oh, you dress up so happy
Lookin' so fancy ♪
♪ I got that salty chip on my shoulder ♪
♪ Batshit, batshit ♪
♪ Batshit ♪
♪ I'm batshit crazy ♪
♪ Batshit, batshit ♪
♪ Batshit ♪
♪ I'm batshit crazy ♪
♪ Batshit, batshit ♪
♪ Batshit ♪
♪ Oh, but when the night is deep
You find me in the streets ♪
♪ Asking me to come over ♪
♪ I'm batshit crazy ♪
♪ Batshit, batshit, batshit
Batshit crazy ♪
♪ Batshit, batshit, batshit, batshit ♪
♪ I'm batshit crazy ♪
♪ Oh ♪
And greetings to our new cookies.
We hope you're sweet and not salty.
Carpe diem, ladies,
because today is the first day
of the rest of your life.
And if you're serving life
and this is the first day
of the rest of your sentence,
then that's one less day than yesterday.
Announcements.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
The kitchen ladies want to remind us
that they have to clean off the trays
that we eat off of.
So treat those trays with some respect.
And for all of you
who have filed complaints against me,
I got another announcement.
You're trolls.
Go back under your bridge
and eat some goats, why don't ya?
My voice is my power.
On the outside, when I would talk,
my husband would say, "Shut up, Cathy."
Well, he's not saying
anything anymore, is he?
And I... I will never shut up.
Find your voice, people.
Claim your power.
That is the lesson for today.
- Boo!
- Okay.
You're an asshole.
Did you sleep okay, Nicky?
Interesting question there.
Uh, my institutional depression
and the sweet escape that sleep promises
usually has me down for the count,
but weirdly,
I have been battling some insomnia lately.
It couldn't be
the 24 hour florescent lighting,
lack of windows, constant observation
or the very real possibility
of spending the rest of my life here
that's keeping me up, huh?
As soon as you sign this statement,
we'll get you moved to general population.
We'll get you a window at least.
Huh.
- Okay.
- Something not to your liking?
It's supposed to be my statement.
We can still make small tweaks.
Uh, this part here, where it says that
"Reznikov is guilty of kidnapping
and false imprisonment."
So, it's "false imprisonment"
as opposed to...
"true imprisonment"?
- Nicky, stop being a smart-ass.
- Huh?
Just sign the damn thing.
I don't want you putting words
in my mouth.
These are legal terms.
What if, instead of Red,
I say it was Frieda?
Look, I'm telling you
she is shady as fuck.
Reznikov is the person
the feds are building a case against.
You said yourself Reznikov was the one
that lured in Piscatella.
Jesus. Just call her Red, okay?
- In the statement?
- No. No.
Just now. You know, she's my friend, so...
What if I just talk to her, uh,
one more time
and see if there's
any other options, okay?
You think there's a better deal
than getting 70 years' worth
of drug charges dropped?
You want 'em to pay you, too?
Talking to Reznikov is the worst thing
that you can do right now, Nicky.
If she accepts a plea deal
before you sign this,
- then this deal's off the table.
- Yeah.
And you're facing another 70 years
in this shithole.
My God, I know. Okay.
Just stop telling me what to do.
- I don't have time for this bullshit.
- Oh, okay.
Nicky, the deal from the AUSA
is on the table until 5:00 p.m.
We're heading back to the city now.
I thought we were gonna stay upstate,
go for a hike.
Babe, I've already got reflux,
I am not getting Lyme disease.
And you, my dear, you wanna stay here
the rest of your life?
I don't know what to tell you.
"And it is in the story of Balaam
and his talking donkey that..."
Don't swallow your words.
"What once was to be a curse
became a blessing for the Jewish people."
This is a six, really?
It runs small. It's French.
Then get me a dress
from a country that isn't determined
to make Americans feel bad.
Don't stop, darling.
Shoulders down, eye contact.
"Speaking of blessings,
I want to thank my mother,
who's a role model to everyone..."
Don't say role model.
It points out I'm not a model-model.
Say I'm an inspiration.
"Thanks to my father, Les,
to Rabbi Epstein, Pamela Schwaid..."
Why are you thanking Pamela?
For breaking up my marriage
to your father?
Technically, that was Genevieve.
I'm thanking Pamela
for proofreading my speech,
for picking me up from Hebrew School
and for getting the DJ.
Fine, it's your Bat Mitzvah.
I'm just asking you not to shame me
in front of everyone I know.
And what was that whole "sometimes
you have to trust a talking ass"?
Dad thought it was funny.
Ass is another word for donkey.
It's also another word for your father.
Change it.
No. Let's go back to the
French one. A size up. God damn it.
Yes, of course.
I promise, after this,
we'll look for a dress for you.
And maybe get that mop on your head
flat ironed.
- So who'd you rat out?
- Nobody.
Every bitch that got out early
ratted out somebody else.
So who did you rat out?
I'm no fuckin' rat.
Took a plea for ten fuckin' years.
Them cocksuckers said
I was a riot organizer.
How much time you got?
Six months.
Your skinny ass was on TV,
and I'm the fuckin' organizer? Fuck.
That's some white privilege bullshit
right there.
You seemed pretty organized
in the chapel with the hostages.
- Bitch, you rat me out?
- No.
Jesus.
What do you want?
- You got a quarter?
- Of course I don't have a quarter.
Uh-huh. Figured the tooth fairy would've
left you something for that
fucked up mouth.
Fuck off.
Hey, I got you into medical, didn't I?
Last time I do you a favor.
Keep it down, inmates.
Murphy, I'm watching you.
- How much time you getting?
- I don't know yet.
You know how I can tell you're lying?
You get this thing right here...
- I'm not lying.
- Oh, I see it.
And I'm never gonna forget it, neither.
D-Block. Ruiz, Trejas, this is your stop.
Okay. Let's go.
Weather today is...
Well, I won't really know till rec time.
It sure feels hot as heck,
but I also have an infected toe,
so it could just be I'm running a fever.
She is straight up disgusting.
I don't wanna think about
that bitch's pus toe.
If I was on the radio,
I would do something like a Loveline,
and call it Flaca-line,
and talk about how you can solve
what's wrong on the inside
by fixing your outsides.
Hey, um, I think you should go to medical.
Yeah, I'm gonna ask a guard to take me
right after he beats me up again.
Shit, that sucks.
On the positive side,
that janky blonde streak you got
is growing out kinda cool.
I wish Maritza could see you.
She always said
it would grow out shitty and break.
You know that girl
that's a guy, but she's a girl?
Uh, yeah, Papi or something.
She keeps on giving me oxy.
- I haven't taken any.
- You better be careful.
Opioid constipation,
that shit ain't no joke.
I knew this one kid who was on oxy.
He didn't shit for, like, two weeks.
Finally he got so desperate,
he went into his own ass and took it out.
Ew.
- True story.
- Ugh.
No one ever shook his hand again.
Bitch, we missed you!
I can do your nails later
if you want.
How's your arm?
How's my arm?
It's okey-fucking-dokey, shitbrains.
Hey, you two, meet your new family.
These C-Block bitches
will either save your life,
or make you want to die.
Your choice.
Family, this is proof of evolution.
This is Gapman.
Smile, Gapman.
No, no, no, no, no.
Show us your gap, Gapman.
Eckelcamp, what's so funny?
Just... you said Gapman,
and she has a gap.
What you don't know
is that her real name is Chapman.
So it's super funny,
but you didn't know that.
Sorry.
You fuck with my timing
when you laugh too early like that.
Flores, you are in C203.
Chapman, C107.
Hoefler, you're in C210 now.
Aw. I don't get to be roomies
with the baby killer no more?
I'm gonna miss you, scary mommy. Mmm.
Don't do that baby voice.
You know I hate it.
Sorry, Carol.
Come on, inmate. Get dressed.
Time to go to interrogation.
How come they took so long to talk to me?
Mmm-mmm.
You don't have anything.
How could you lose something in here?
You ever see that video
of that guy who gets home
and there's garbage all over the place
and he's like,
"Which dog got in the trash?"
And his first dog is just smiling,
wagging his tail.
And same thing with the second dog.
Then he gets to his third dog...
How many dogs this man have?
Let me guess. He's white?
Yeah, definitely.
So, then he gets to the third dog,
and he's this big guy with the whole top
of a garbage lid stuck around his head.
It's... really funny.
Hey, you remember Mr. G?
The manager, he used to watch those videos
of soldiers coming home
surprising their dogs.
Yeah, he used
to watch them fuckin' videos and cry
instead of countin' out the register.
Made closing up take forever.
See now, what I don't get
is why he never got a dog.
He said he was waiting until he retired.
He died, by the way.
Got hit by a drunk driver
in the drive-through. Mmm...
- Shit, that's sad.
- Yeah.
He should've got a dog.
You can't put things off.
What?
How the hell are you so calm?
I dunno, caffeine's mellow for me, man.
Kinda like how, uh, Ritalin
makes ADD kids sleepy.
I'm not talking about coffee, ding-dong.
The last time we were in a prison,
we were... you know.
Aren't you freaking the fuck out?
We have to face our demons.
Satan needs to know he's not in charge.
What's your secret?
You a weird Mormon, too?
Honestly...
I've been jerkin' it pretty much nonstop
since I got home.
It's like meditation, but with your hands.
"Hands"?
Yeah. I mean, you gotta tickle the taint.
Blake, you know what I'm talking about,
right, buddy?
...Friday at noon, though,
honestly, by Thursday would be great,
because my algorithms and...
Hello.
Anybody care for a pretzel?
Good to see you, Luschek.
You must be McCullough and Blake.
Guys, these are the guards from the camp.
Absolutely should be part of the League.
Hop, this isn't exactly something
for public purview here.
These heroes shit in buckets
for three days.
They're not about to go
all PC bullshit on us.
They're true blue.
Besides, last time I checked,
more teams in the League,
more money in the pot.
And when I'm gambling, I wanna win big.
Holy shit. Holy shit.
Is this fuckin' Fantasy Inmate?
This was legend at camp.
I didn't think it was real.
I didn't dare to hope, you know.
Real as rain.
It's 100 bucks to play,
and the draft is next Friday.
Yeah, I don't gamble.
I fuckin' knew it.
I'm in. So is he.
Where's the draft party?
There's no party. We do an absentee ballot
that I collect and then I distribute
the team lists on Sunday.
That sucks.
As League commissioner,
I can assure you
that no one's had any complaints before.
Al, don't get your panties all in a bunch.
Just get some ballots
for the new guys, okay?
I gotta say. I've always wanted
to gamble on human lives.
So this is just a dream come true.
I like to keep it clean
around here.
So get to cleaning, roomie.
Hey, Snagglepuss?
I just got rid of one shit roommate.
Really hoping I don't got another one.
Look, you're the boss.
I'm not challenging you, okay?
I just need a minute.
Oh.
I'm so sorry.
Is the new cookie
crumbling already?
Get the fuck up and clean.
I'm not asking you to understand
or give me a break.
I'm just goin' through some shit, okay?
Like what?
Hey.
I'm trying to be understanding,
but, uh, you gotta communicate
for me to understand.
Is this about that chick
that you were looking for in medical?
Was she your girlfriend?
- My fiancée.
- You still haven't found her?
I think that she might be dead.
Tell you what.
You got ten minutes to cry this shit out,
and then you get up,
and you clean this place up nice.
We've all had fiancés die.
Nut up, buttercup.
Okay.
Playland opens up in half an hour.
I don't wanna miss any rides
'cause you two got caught up
in your clothes shopping.
I'm not trying to buy a cute top.
I'm trying to buy a disguise, remember?
Do you realize there's cameras everywhere
in amusement parks?
In lieu of the souvenirs
and the childnappings.
Like, I can't go looking like me.
- We'll be quick, I promise.
- Okay.
But then we're out the door
and in the car in 20 minutes.
Okay, Dad.
You gotta be nicer to him.
I'm trying, okay? But he weirds me out.
How do we even know we can trust him?
If he wanted to turn us in,
he would've done it already.
All right? You heard him.
He wants to talk about his feelings
or face our demons together
or something, okay?
You gotta be smooth
until we can cut him loose.
- Okay?
- Okay.
There are tons of Halloween costumes.
What about this one?
You know, nurses wear those in pornos,
not in real life.
But still, that's a good eye.
Really good eye there, buddy.
Hold on a second.
He doesn't think I'm down for,
like, a threesome, right?
- Neither am I.
- Okay.
At least not a devil's threesome.
How about this one?
Yeah. 'Cause no one would
notice me at an amusement park in that.
But, hey. Good thinking.
You're funny. That is a creative thought.
You're hilarious, actually.
- This one's a little girl.
- That's a little girl?
Uh, you mean a skanky Dorothy
from a slutty Wizard of Oz?
I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you.
I'm just pissed because Halloween
ain't about candy anymore.
It's just an excuse
for girls to get naked.
It's okay, though.
I have an idea. Be right back.
- Excuse me.
- Hurry up, okay?
Did you know that when Judy Garland
was in The Wizard of Oz,
and she was playing a 10-year-old,
she was really 39?
No, she wasn't. She was 17.
That's really weird.
I wonder where I got 39 from.
Maybe 'cause that's the average
number of weeks for human gestation.
Yeah, that could be it.
This is Ad Seg.
It's the, uh, lighter side of SHU.
You might actually see some familiar faces
in here awaiting trial.
Hey, uh...
Hey, um, I've been thinking about this.
You need to have a draft party
to kick off a fantasy league.
And for morale. League unity.
Look, I'd love it, but Alvarez
already gets overwhelmed,
so it's probably better not to.
Totally, totally. Al seems awesome.
Let me ask you, what kinda thing
should I be looking for in a draft pick?
Well, you get solid points
for a concussion,
a fight with scratching,
a fight with hair pulling. Gouging.
So it's good to get a fighter?
Sure, or somebody
that people like to beat up.
Then there's other things.
Like an inmate who's sober
then relapses, that's double points.
And you know what? Some of the new inmates
might come in handy.
Uh, yeah, I actually don't know 'em
all that well, so...
- I try to keep a professional distance.
- Hmm.
Vause, C102. Cabrera, C205, upstairs.
I never lived somewhere
that had an upstairs before.
Really moving on up.
I wouldn't even work in your
piece of shit grocery store
if you got on your knees and begged me to!
I'm sorry, ma'am.
It's not up to me.
The company has a strict policy about...
Don't you tell me shit about shit.
Oh, you'll hire that Down Syndrome
motherfucker but not me?
- He's just old.
- Get the fuck out my face.
It's just... I don't think that you paid
for that bottle of water.
I brought it with me!
Fair enough. Have a good day.
You've got a great voice, very powerful.
It matches your whole presence.
Yo, I don't know what you selling,
but I ain't buying shit, okay?
'Course not.
These are weight loss supplements,
and you clearly have a fantastic body.
You're like a walking after picture.
You know why that idiot store manager
wouldn't hire you?
Yeah, 'cause of my record,
which I gotta tell them about.
It's because he knew
he could never be the boss of you.
Weak leaders hire weak workers.
Yeah, well, I better find a strong-ass
leader soon, 'cause I need a J-O-B.
Oh, I've been there.
When I first started
working for Nutri Herbal,
it was just while my kids were at school
to make some extra cash.
But then, I started making
six grand a month, part-time.
Six grand?
To start off with, sure.
But there's no telling
how high it could go.
You wanna try a shake? It's delicious.
Your earrings are fabulous.
Thank you.
You got this
in a Cookies and Cream flavor?
Excuse me, can you help me find my cell?
Ow! Fuck!
Alex.
I'm sorry, do I know you?
I suffered a head injury.
Things are a little fuzzy.
It's me.
I'm your fiancée.
I'm gay?
- Fuck you, you fucking bitch!
- Stop.
I thought that you were dead.
I thought they killed you.
Yeah, I'm definitely gay.
Hey.
No kissy-facey, no touchy-touchy.
This is not prom, ladies.
- Tasha Jefferson?
- Yes?
Hi, how are ya?
I'm Sue Gillan, public defender.
Let's review your options here, shall we?
Uh, I thought I was supposed to be
talkin' to the investigators.
Nobody asked me anything
about what happened,
or what I was doing or nothin'.
They don't need to.
The US attorney has gathered enough
information to charge you with...
Organizing the riot at Litchfield camp,
and the second degree murder
of CO Desi Piscatella.
What?
I didn't kill him.
I didn't even know he was dead.
That's how much I didn't kill him.
That's crazy!
They have evidence and witness testimony
saying that you did.
I understand that you're upset.
But I didn't do anything.
I wanted to,
I could have, but I didn't.
It doesn't matter.
It probably feels like it should,
but I'm telling you that it doesn't.
All that really matters
is that this whole riot
has been an embarrassment
for the governor,
and the US attorney is looking at this
to make a name for himself.
Okay. So what are you saying?
As your attorney, I am strongly advising
that you do not take this to trial.
I don't know what kind of
plea deal I can get for you,
but the one thing you have going for you
is their desire to contain this.
The fuck, yo? I didn't murder anyone!
Tasha, this is so much bigger than you.
A lot of eyes are watching
to see how this plays out.
Look.
This came out today.
And the more press this gets,
the more pressure they're under
to bury you.
The only thing worse
than being the scapegoat
is being a scapegoat
with a crowd watching.
Hi, Mom. I need to talk to you
about something important.
Oh, what's that, Yuri?
You saw a terrible movie?
O h, yes! Yes, yes, yes.
The one where Blondie and Octopus Tattoo
and Bubble Butt and the feral Dominicana
were all traitorous pizdas!
That's "cunt" in Russian, Yuri.
In case you didn't know.
Wait, mom, mom. Hey, slow down, all right?
I only get one call in here,
so I need you to listen
and focus beyond your rage.
Movie could have been so much better
if the daughter had only spoken up,
said the shit monster giant
had showed up on his own.
Because this script
is filled with contradictions.
And with the daughter
doing the right and true thing,
the traitorous pizda cunts
would all look like liars in the movie.
Hey, could you keep down the spoilers?
I may want to see this movie someday.
I don't know.
Perhaps Mr. Terry Gilliam.
Has he made a new movie?
Mom, it is more complicated than that.
But Yuri, why are you defending them?
To me, now they are dead.
They're ghosts.
Ghosts that should die again with pain.
Damn it, Mom.
I am looking at 70 years
on trumped-up drug charges.
- What?
- Yeah.
Unless I tell them
about you bringing him there.
Keeping him hostage. You know, the truth.
Mom?
Come on. Please.
Okay, so what?
So I guess I'm a ghost now, too?
"...from so far. The Torah portion..."
What's up with the shiksa hair?
I thought this was a Bat Mitzvah,
not a country club assimilation rally.
Let me see.
I think it looks great.
Very Gwyneth Paltrow.
Why'd you take out the talking ass bit?
It's literally in the Bible.
Oh, Jesus. I can smell your mother
all over this speech.
This may look horrifying,
but you should know
that he control freaks from love.
Yeah, I'm the control freak.
Look what that woman did to her head.
I wish my hair looked like yours.
You didn't even thank Pamela.
Amen.
"Welcome to those of you
who have traveled from so far.
Even from below 14th Street.
The Torah portion I read told the story
of Balaam, the pagan prophet,
and teaches us..."
Basically, he was supposed
to curse the Jews
because surprise, surprise,
everyone always hates the Jews.
That's how I know I'm definitely Jewish.
Even my own parents hate me.
I mean, they love me.
They'd just love me more if I wasn't me.
So Balaam's riding an ass...
...and God sends down an angel,
but only the donkey sees it,
which makes Balaam whip him a bunch
until he finally says,
"Knock it off. There's an angel there."
So I guess the lesson is
God can make a donkey talk?
But what I wanna know is
why did God let the donkey
get whipped a bunch
until he finally gave him
the power of speech?
I mean, whatever.
God also let six million JJews
die in the Holocaust.
So he might just be
phoning things in at this point.
You know about phoning things in,
right, Dad?
I mean, not with your whole career,
of course.
This is the first Saturday my dad
hasn't had to go to work in six years.
And the custody agreement
is that he has me on Saturdays.
You know what I'm saying, right, Mom?
Oh, you don't?
Because you never listen to me?
The thing is,
I actually like this Torah portion.
Because I'm the ass,
and I can finally talk.
So here's what I want to know.
Why is it so important to God
that you honor your mother and father
when they really
don't give a shit about you?
The key to selling
Nutri Herbal isn't selling, it's seeing.
What do you think most people think
when they see a potential customer?
Dummy.
Right, customer.
But at Nutri Herbal, we see potential.
No matter what their circumstance,
people have the potential for greatness.
- Do you believe that?
- Hell, no.
Good!
Now let's get your potential customer
to believe it, too.
Believe it, achieve it.
And they can achieve it with Nutri Herbal.
Start with a compliment.
If you don't know what else to say, try,
"You have a great voice."
"You have a powerful presence."
"Great earrings."
Fucking cabrona.
Remember, it's about seeing,
so be in tune with their body.
I want it with you.
Immigration is doing raids
all the fucking time.
I don't give a fuck
about no red tape.
I didn't even get
any extra time added. That's a sign.
Oh, my God.
What the fuck happened to you?
I fell down some stairs.
Yo.
If some bitch tries to step up,
you can't back down.
Please stop telling me what to do, okay?
Fine.
Can I at least ask
what's happening with the trial?
I took a plea. Second degree murder.
What?
Why would you do that?
You can't give up like that.
You were provoked.
You got that postpartum shit.
If I went to trial,
I could've gotten the death penalty.
So I took life.
And I figured if I was in gen pop,
the guards would stop beating on me.
Have they?
No. But it's less.
More people around to keep them busy.
You're never getting out.
Outside sucks anyway.
Your hair looks great. Like, real thick.
My Little Pony thick.
You're so beautiful.
And you have potential.
You can be the greatest you
that you can be.
- Believe it, achieve it.
- All right.
That's bullshit. We hardly talked!
Don't touch her!
Hey, shut up! Let's go.
You think you're a big fucking man now?
Beating up on girls?
I said shut up!
Oh, you gonna put hands on me?
I'm not an inmate. I got rights now.
Plus, I just had a spirulina smoothie,
so let's go.
- Yeah?
- Hellman, step down. Look, I got this.
Yeah, step down. Gato pendejo!
- What'd you say, bitch?
- Hey, hey, hey. Hey! Back off!
I am so sorry for his behavior.
That's no way to talk to a lady.
It's Aleida, stupid.
Well, that is a beautiful name.
Uh, I'm Rick Hopper.
Uh, can I get you a cold beverage?
Maybe walk you to your car?
- You look like you work out.
- Oh.
I dabble in CrossFit.
You try supplements?
It would really help you
with your potential.
Get to the next level.
Hell, yeah! Eat shit, ducks!
Ah-ha!
So what was she in for, anyway?
I don't know exactly.
Sounds like you two
have a real soul connection.
We talk about other stuff.
I get it.
Where'd you do it?
The laundry room? Showers?
One of them van rides?
Look, man, that's really personal.
My bad.
No, it's just the power dynamics
between me and her
were really messed up in the beginning,
that's all.
- I get it. Power stuff.
- Mmm-hmm.
- She tie you up?
- What?
Are you kidding? No. Fuck, man.
When you say shit like that,
it's disrespectful.
Sorry.
Sorry.
For what it's worth, I like to be
blindfolded once in a while. That's all.
Look what I won!
Nice job!
Nailed it.
It kinda looks like Dixon. Look.
Make that face.
- Twins!
- Yeah.
I'm gonna call him Baby Dix.
All right.
- What's wrong?
- I need you to do me a favor.
I can't do anything for you.
You know that.
I just need you to get a message
to a person. All right?
Come on, Tamika.
If you was ever my friend,
please do this for me.
Your mouth is so jacked up.
You gonna get caps?
I haven't actually been able
to make an appointment
with my prosthodontist.
Your what?
I think it's cute.
I've always wanted
a girlfriend in a jug band.
Sorry, fiancée in a jug band.
So where did they take you guys, anyway?
All of us too injured
for basic prison duct tape doctoring
were brought to a real hospital.
Also really handcuffed to our beds.
But at least we didn't get extra time.
Except for Rocky Face.
She got eternal time in the afterlife.
Yeah, Kukudio died.
That was the inmate who died.
Bet they went closed casket
on that funeral.
Then I got surgery on my shoulder,
and then a surgery to fix that surgery...
- Mmm-hmm.
- All thanks to that prick, Piscatella.
Well, Piscatella's dead, so you win,
I guess.
Maybe the afterlife is this amazing place,
and we're all idiots
for trying so hard to stay alive.
- What?
- What? Nobody knows what really happens.
Who killed Piscatella?
One of the ladies still stuck in Ad Seg,
I guess.
You okay?
His dick was huge.
I said, "Hey, I wanted to fuck
a pipe like that,
I would've gone over to my stepdad's."
Ugh. That's gross.
My stepdad's a plumber. Get it?
Second you made us think of incest,
your funny was dead.
I said stepdad.
It's a fail. Let it go.
Now, what do you got for me?
I found Frieda.
She just got out of Ad Seg.
Not sure where she got assigned yet.
Bitch skated into Florida.
Got any info I don't already know?
Then you still got jack shit.
Guess you broke that arm for nothing, huh?
Now, that's funny.
Ladies?
That's it?
Unless you magically learned
how to play bridge, then yeah, that's it.
I thought that you were dead,
I thought that it was Red's fault.
I didn't know. You were gone.
Oh my God, poor Red.
Listen, Red is a big, tough girl.
She's gonna be fine.
Twinsies!
Looks like you either
got over your fiancée real fast,
or she has risen.
Thank you for your concern.
I love love.
Hey, hey, uh, considering you two
have been separated for so long,
maybe you want to be in the cell
right next to me and Gapman?
- Please don't.
- You don't have to do that.
No. No problemo. Akers!
I got mad juice around here.
Baby girl, I need you to apply
for a cell swap with Glasses over here.
What, for real? Badison, that's bullshit.
Are you saying no?
It's just, I like living next to you.
Come on, don't be like that.
Fine. I'll go make the request.
Good girl.
I'm like fuckin' Oprah around here.
Jesus fuck! That looks really painful.
You been pickin' at the scabs up there?
I have not. They need to heal.
Oh, I'd just be pickin',
pickin' at 'em all the time.
That's not who you are though,
is it, Ms. Reznikov?
Not impulsive.
CO Piscatella on the other hand,
he lost control.
Why did he scalp you?
What did you do to him?
Do you always ask the victim
what their attacker was thinking?
When he's been shot dead, sure.
Check the gun for fingerprints.
I never touched any gun.
No, that's not your style.
You tell other people what to do.
You're a natural leader.
You lured CO Piscatella into your bunker,
held him hostage
and ordered your followers to kill him.
No, I did not. No.
What? No to the kidnapping?
Or no to ordering the hit?
Oh, you didn't kill him directly, fine.
Give us some names then.
What? Jefferson? That old killer, Berlin?
I have no names for you.
They were there. They followed you
down there, didn't they?
They'd follow you anywhere.
You need to help us so we can help you.
Do you really wanna die in prison,
Ms. Reznikov?
Now I see what you do to people.
♪ If you show me how ♪
♪ When you are around ♪
- Whoo!
- ♪ I don't know what to do ♪
♪ I don't know what to do
When I'm with you ♪
♪ You rant and rattle on ♪
♪ I don't know what to do ♪
♪ I don't know what to do
When I'm with you ♪
♪ When I'm with you ♪
♪ When I'm with you ♪
♪ When I'm with you ♪
♪ When I'm with you ♪
Apparently, it was like three out of five.
- Faggots!
- Whoa!
- What'd you just say?
- It's cool.
I said faggots. Rhymes with maggots.
Come on, man. Let's just go.
You want me to say it louder
so your faggy bear can hear it, too?
What the fuck did you say?
Look, we weren't even talking to you.
You were talking to my friends,
which means you were talking to me.
And those faggots over there...
Their whole relationship,
they've had to put up
with people from the outside judging it.
Or hiding it.
Like getting through
the colossal complexities
of maintaining a relationship
ain't hard enough.
They finally get a chance to get away
from everything and have some fun,
and you gotta ruin it for 'em,
you hate criminal.
Whatever, man.
No! Not whatever!
Those faggots are my friends!
Because when I told them,
"Hey! I know we don't know
each other that well,
because how well can we
ever really know one another
when we're all just a collection
of skin masks covering up our fears."
I said to them,
"Would it be cool
if I came on your vacation getaway?"
And they said, "Yes."
So y'all can fuck?
Nice.
Thank you so much, Tamika.
It's CO Ward.
And this is the only favor
you ever get from me.
I gotta say, I miss the lip sweater,
but it's good to see that face.
Taystee, what am I doing here?
They're trying to make me
the scapegoat for the riot.
They're sayin' that I killed Piscatella.
Did you?
How could you say that?
You was with me for most of the riot.
I was trying to make real change.
We could have had real change.
You wanted revenge more.
I wanted justice.
That is not the same thing as revenge.
I saw this article about that other riot,
and they put Poussey's name in the paper.
Maybe we did make real change.
Okay. Look, Taystee,
what do you want me to do?
I'm on suspension.
Nobody wants to hear shit from
the pissant warden who let a riot start.
My public defender is saying
that I am going to be locked up
for the rest of my life.
I'm scared, Mr. Caputo.
And I need your help. Please.
You know I ain't got nobody else.
Hey, uh,
so I'm gonna head to Costco,
stock up for the draft party next Friday.
Did you know you can buy
an African safari at Costco?
I fuckin' love that place, man.
You guys wanna come?
I thought Alvarez said no party.
I basically got the okay
from Hopper, huh?
And it's better to ask for forgiveness
than permission, right?
Pretty sure that's the opposite lesson
in prison.
Oh.
I gotta go pick up a ride.
You're driving Lyft now?
It's just for a few hours.
Can't really fall asleep anyway.
And if I do, I get nightmares.
And I need the money.
And I've kinda been isolating myself
lately, so it gets me around people.
People who aren't criminals.
At least not yet.
Plus, if I know I have to drive,
I drink less.
And like I said, I need the money, so...
Hey, you wanna chip in or anything
for party snacks?
Woof. McCullough's not doin' so well.
She seem sexier to you?
You know, like, suddenly she seems sexier.
Thank you for coming.
The fuck was that speech?
You humiliated me
in front of everyone I know.
Some people thought it was funny.
I moved heaven and earth
to get Elaine Lerner to plan your party.
This is the thanks I get?
I'm only glad your grandparents are dead
so they didn't hear you
disrespect your parents in shul.
It would've killed them.
I can't even look at you right now.
You are grounded.
From my own Bat Mitzvah?
Right after the party.
You go straight home.
In fact, you go straight
to your father's house.
No. I'm not taking her.
Oh, of course. So I'm stuck with her?
- What else is new?
- I don't want her.
I'm really, really sorry.
Some things are not forgivable.
Nichols, you're going to gen pop.
Shut the fuck up!
It's okay.
When you finally
find your voice, it can be scary.
You think no one will love the real you.
But actually, it is the only way
that you will find someone who will.
Otherwise, you're just stuck
listening to the voices in your head
giving you bad advice.
You like that, Diaz?
I think I'm gonna say that tomorrow.
Or maybe I should work on
my rap song some more?
Every second feels like forever, right?
So the next time Badison asks you
to do something,
zero seconds before you say yes.
Also, I like to shit naked.
Welcome to your new normal, bitch.
♪ Oh, you're bad enough to me ♪
♪ Bad enough that we ♪
♪ Always have something to get over ♪
♪ Oh, you dress up so happy
Lookin' so fancy ♪
♪ I got that salty chip on my shoulder ♪
♪ Batshit, batshit ♪
♪ Batshit ♪
♪ I'm batshit crazy ♪
♪ Batshit, batshit ♪
♪ Batshit ♪
♪ I'm batshit crazy ♪
♪ Batshit, batshit ♪
♪ Batshit ♪
♪ Oh, but when the night is deep
You find me in the streets ♪
♪ Asking me to come over ♪
♪ I'm batshit crazy ♪
♪ Batshit, batshit, batshit
Batshit crazy ♪
♪ Batshit, batshit, batshit, batshit ♪
♪ I'm batshit crazy ♪
♪ Oh ♪