Orange Is the New Black (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 3 - Look Out for Number One - full transcript

Linda makes a power play; Piper digs for information about Alex and the women get their first taste of a decades old feud between cellblocks.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[cell door slams]

[theme song playing]

[cell door slams]

[cell door slams]

[barber] Next group.

Up against the wall, inmates.

These lice ain't gonna clear out
on their own.

[Helen] Uh...

Chrome dome.

Next in line, let's go. Chop-chop.

No, please. No, please. I beg you.

I told you. I am not supposed to be here.
I am an MCC executive.

I don't care
if you're Princess fucking Di.

Still gotta clear your lice.

Hey, Princess Diana is dead.
All she wanted was a normal life.

Please, please don't do this.
Please, don't do this.

[cries] Oh, God! Please, please.
You are making a huge mistake.

[chuckles] He really is!
But I'm enjoying it so much.

You sure it's her?
'Cause that one's forehead looks bigger.

[Costa] No, you can't look
at the forehead.

You gotta look at the nose.
See how the nostrils match up?

[Miller] I could never date a bald chick.

Amber Rose?

Oh, fuck. That's right.

Yo, G.I. Jane. Lucky day.
Warden says you're free to go.


Might have been luckier five minutes ago.

But she's still a menace to society!

You are so fucking fired!

Oh, look on the bright side, hon,
at least the lice are gone.

Up top anyway...

[Big Boo and Ouija chuckle]

[Jack] On behalf of the board
and everyone here at MCC,

I would like to extend
our deepest apologies.

But, if I might point out,
the silver lining here,

it's that your unique,
first-hand experience

will be invaluable to MCC's mission
of innovation and reform.

Really? You think that you can buy me off
with large produce?

And I know for a fact that

that is a middle tier basket because
the top tier one has a dragon fruit in it.

Bad form, Jack.

[sighs] I know
what you went through was rough...

[scoffs] No, no.
I don't think you actually do.

Not unless you were witness to a possum
giving birth in a shower drain,

or had a mob of angry sociopaths try
to stone you to death with their shoes.

And let's not forget my luxurious,
four-day vacation at FDC Cleveland,

a place so shitty even the pubic lice
have opioid addictions.

Don't women shave everything
down there now?



- We're working to improve conditions.
- I'm sure that you are.

In the meantime, you have two choices.

Option one, I sell my story to the press,

and I sue MCC for $10 million,
plus damages.

Or option two.

Offer me a considerable
upfront bonus for pain and suffering,

and you fire your buddy Stan

and hire me as senior VP
at triple my current salary.

Linda, please. Be reasonable.

I think, considering the PR nightmare
that MCC is in, I am well within reason.

The only question is,

do you want me on the outside
pouring gasoline on this fire,

or in here, helping you put it out?

[indistinct chatter]

Keep it moving, inmate.

You've got lunch for five more minutes.

When you're finished,
that's your cell over there. 102.

May I sit here?


I can give you the 411
on these max psychos.

They do that to you?

[grunts softly] COs.
Payback for shooting Humps.


You guys, this is like in Breakfast Club.

One kid from every group in school.

Oh, my God. You have a toothbrush!
Sweet Jesus!

- The fuck?
- Bitches here steal the new girls' kits.

We haven't washed our hair
or brushed our teeth in like forever.

So they got something
against good hygiene?

No. It's like D block initiation.

Oh, like in a sorority.

Only instead of playing beer pong
and getting date-raped,

you get shivved and regular raped.

[moans] Oh, God! It so good.

Okay, it's bad enough you using it,
you don't gotta fuck it.

You try having morning sickness all day
and not being able to brush.

My teeth are rotting
like that bulimic girl from the library.

With all that puking,
you'd at least think she'd be skinny.

Dude, you got puke teeth
all over my brush?

I still can't believe they let you fuck
in the visitation room.

It was by the vending machines.
I was very discreet.

Okay. Knocked up and a bag of chips.


You think I don't notice you cookies?
'Cause believe me, I do.

Daddy's got eyes everywhere.

I didn't even get to clean my tongue.

That little bitch
runs the toothbrush game here?

No, they work for Barbara.
She's a D block boss.

- Ain't no gangsters named Barbara.
- Shh! I wouldn't say that too loud.

The last girl that crossed her
got hot Milky Way thrown in her face.

- That sticks and burns.
- [Lorna] I like Milky Way.

Not burning hot in my face,
but room temperature in my mouth.

So that's it?
We part of Barbara's gang now?

If it makes you feel any better,
I heard C block boss is even worse.

The only good way out
is gettin' moved to Florida.

Technically, it's B block.
Neutral territory.

Okay, so how we get in?

We don't. Florida don't let
normal people like us in.

Only, grannies, trannies and loonies.

Well, don't look at me. I might be crazy,
but I'm not Florida crazy.

Well, like it or not, we D block now.

Look at you.

Jesus, has it been that long?


This is my colleague, Ms. Goldstein.
She'll be handing your case for the firm.

Hi. Please call me Michelle.

It's good to see you again, kid.

- All right.
- Hmm. Okay. Uh...

It's not the daddy-daughter dance.
Yeah. I'm just here for the lawyering.

Maybe if you'd taken me up on that
five years ago,

you wouldn't be here
in the first place, right?

Maybe if you hadn't left,
I wouldn't have turned to heroin.

But I guess we'll never know.

See, the kid's got my sense of humor
with Orphan Annie's face.

You remember, Nick, you used
to drive us crazy with those songs?

Yeah. I thought
maybe if I sang loud enough

that my real parents
might just turn up and rescue me.

I hate to be a buzzkill, but I think
we should dive into your possible charges.

Now based on recent precedent,

the US Attorney's office
isn't gonna have much trouble

indicting all of you on riot charges.

I had no idea what the hell was going on.
I was just along for the ride.

Good to know.

Because our defense will hinge
on the government's inability to prove

that you had knowledge that your actions
would be in furtherance of vandalism,

injury to property, or unlawful assembly
within a federal prison.

Told you she was good, didn't I?

Oh. Uh... [chuckles]

It's terrific.


Well, I mean, just like my piano teacher,
and the French tutor.

You know, I've always been curious,
does the hourly rate...

Does it go up or down when the hired help
doubles as your side piece?

Michelle happens to be one of the
best criminal litigators in New York.

So she's not pro-ing your bono?

Watch your mouth!

Your father and I are engaged.

We're getting married in November.
We also have two children together.

Sammi's five
and Atticus just turned three.

Nicky, I wanted to say something about it
over the phone,

but I thought you would, you know...

You know what? You know what?
You know what?

I was wrong. Okay?
This whole thing? Big mistake.

Les, thank you for stopping by.

Michelle, no hard feelings.

I'm sure you're a great lawyer,
you have a wonderful vocabulary,

and you're going to make
an excellent trophy wife.

You... [chuckles and clicks tongue]

Okay, guard! I'm done here.

Kid, don't get bogged down by old baggage.

You're in real deep shit.

Nicky, you need good representation.

[woman speaking indistinctly on PA]

Take it slow out there, Berlin.
We don't need any more injuries.



If I weren't so happy to see you,
I'd kill you myself.

What the hell were you thinking?

It's complicated.

Our affection for Roman Polanski films
is complicated.

Suicide is for cowards.

You don't understand, Red.

I got history in this place.

There's people here spent three decades
waitin' to take a crack at me.

Since when is Frieda Berlin afraid?

[scoffs] It's not fear, it's pragmatism.

Like my daddy always said,

"The cyanide pill won't work

unless you take it before the commies
bust in your door."

Well, the commie is right here
and I'm telling you to keep fighting.

- Oh, shit. Frieda! Are you okay?
- Shit.

I got it. I got it. It's okay.
She's fine. It's okay.

Did you hurt yourself?

I'm fine. Just stiff is all.

Bullshit. I see what you're up to.
You put that back right now.

Leave me alone, Red.

I am not going to stand by and watch you
do this to yourself. Or to me.

You have problems here,
you find a creative solution,

like you've done for the past 30 years.

It's different this time.

Or maybe you're not trying hard enough.


[music playing on radio]

[Carol] Hey, Frieda...

your dad's hot and all,
but I got other plans.

Hope you don't mind. [sighs]

Now that is human perfection.

Right, Frieda?



[music stops]

What the hell? I paid less than that
for four last time.

You got a problem with my prices?

No, we're good. Right, Tyler? Come on.

[tsks] This some bullshit, man.


Hey, Carol, maybe you ought to go back
to dealing in the showers.

You kidding? Finding your hidey-hole
is the best thing that's happened to me.

The shower steam
made my hair look like shit.

Now come on,
let's look at the rest of today's haul.

Damn, Frieda! We're killing it!

Oh! And you know I have a sweet tooth.

Just one.

- Oh! How much for a jawbreaker?
- They're not for sale.

But you got so many.
I like watching the colors change.

Do you now?

Well, come on in. Come on in.


Do I look like Willy Fucking Wonka to you?

No, ma'am.

This place look like a candy store?

Frieda, hold her hair for me.


Now open your fuckin' mouth

before I shove this so far down
your goddamn throat you give birth to it.

Go on. Start sucking.

- [choking]
- [Carol laughs]

Jesus, Carol! You're such a little psycho!

Bad enough you're stealin' my customers,
you don't gotta kill 'em too.

Yeah, you better fuckin' run, Greeley!

Sorry ladies, shop's closed.

Piss off, Flunky.
I'm here to see my sister.

Didn't anyone tell you?
Family reunion's been canceled this year.

It's funny,
because Mom's coming to visit me later,

just like she did last week
and the week before.

She doesn't send her love, by the way.

What do you want, Barbie?

Besides an ass
that don't look like a pizza box.

I want you and Gnarly Davidson
to step off my H game.

[chuckles] Sorry, but you ain't the boss
of me no more.

We had a deal, Care.
D block gets smack and weed.

Cunt block gets rock and pills.

Look at yourself, Carol. You're a child.

Amateur like you
got no business selling horse.

You'd be better off dealing ex-lax
to the biddies in Florida.

Frieda, you gonna sit with your thumb up
your butt or do somethin' about this?

All right, ladies,
it's time for you gals to move it along.



Come on, Frieda.

We got some beef to look at.

Oh, my God! Oh, God.
I love a man with a big bush.

Oh, God, look at that little dickie-doo.

He's all alone in the forest.

[chomping sounds]

How are tensions between C and D block?

'Cause last time I was here,

we were losing fingers
faster than a Romanian leper colony.

Gang activity's down to a low simmer.

Just some stabbings,
couple of missing toes...

What ya playing for, Carol?

Oh, you know, gambling's illegal.
We just play for braggin' rights.

Of course. The love of the game.
You staying out of trouble?


You got any idea how long the FBI's
gonna be using our break room?

- I got yogurts in that fridge.
- Expiration dates are bullshit.

You've been missed.

Also bullshit. But I'll take it.

At least there was never a riot
on my watch.

Keep the gangs in check,
keep your guys in check,

and don't bother me
unless there's a death.

What about MCC protocols?

Listen, the best thing you can do
is think of yourself as a hotel maid.

No rearranging the furniture
and no asking questions,

no matter what freaky shit
you find on the nightstand. Got it?

From here on in, surface cleaning only.

Now you gonna tip me bigger
if I look sexy in my uniform?

Analogy's over, Ricky.

What more do you people need?

You've seen the video of him torturing us.

That monster should be prosecuted
to the full extent of the law.

So, it would be fair to say
you hated CO Piscatella?

Look at what he did to me!

I'm like a doll that's been wrecked
by a demented child.

He should rot in hell.

You admit to wanting CO Piscatella dead?

Why? You have a connection to Make-A-Wish?

[Michelson] We'll do you one better.

You're kidding. [gasps]

Wait. You think I have
something to do with this?

That would be the logical conclusion,

seeing as how his body was found
in the same place we found you.

And you sure do seem
to have plenty of motive.

One rolling cart for Hayes,
and a mop for Gonzales.

Cops come down on me
if this shit goes missing

so try and keep your noses
as clean as the floors, okay?

Let's pick up the pace.
C block's getting filthier by the second.

Why we gotta mop enemy territory?

Guess they're too good
to clean their own shit.

Think it'd be wise
to keep your mouth shut, Diaz.

Anyone else have a question?

- [Black Cindy] Mmm-mmm.
- No, sir.

Let's hit it.

[Black Cindy clears throat]

This place is way too serious.

If we get jumped, we use these as weapons.


You don't think that they would hurt
a pregnant lady, do you?

Sir? Sir?

You know she's a girl, right?

Hey, right. Um...

Miss? Ms. Daddy.

I know I'm not showing yet,
but I am indeed with child.

Jesus. You cookies ever stop whining?

I'd never put my D girls in danger.
Especially not ones so pretty.

Yeah, I'm gonna look real good
when my face turns black-and-blue.

Bruised fruit tastes the sweetest.

Hey, Duarte, list.

I can walk on my own now. Really.

My legs feel much stronger.

If you say so.


Dagnab it, Berlin!
I knew this would happen.

- You hurt anything?
- Oh, just my ego.

[sighs] I guess
I can't do anything right anymore.

You know, that negative attitude
is not helping your depression.

According to scientific studies,

the best thing you can do
to improve your mood

is write lists of all the things
you're grateful for.

I don't have paper or a pen.

For what?

[chuckles softly]

For the gratitude list.

I'd like to try it.


All right.

What you should be grateful for is
the fact that I'm letting you borrow this.

Don't even think about
trying to kill yourself.

This is a felt-tip, it won't work, got it?

Scout's honor.

[cell door closes]

They think we killed Piscatella.
I need to warn the girls.

Yo, Aunt Jemima,

chill out or COs will be up our asses
faster than Mikey O'Brien's pinky finger.

What the hell is she doing?

[mouthing] Piscatella is dead.

Oh, Red is really losing it.


First word?

- Get up. Move.
- All right.



Penis? Penis. Peeing?

Pee? The first syllable is "P."


- Driving? Car crash? DUI?
- Shut up. You're distracting me.

[Badison] You should let me help you
'cause you suck at this,

and I'm pretty much
a charades savant so...

[Red] Piss?


Peeing? Urination? Urination drive?

Driving Miss Daisy.

Damn. How do you do that every time?

[Frieda] Giant killed. Cops framing us.



Oh! Not Burt! Oh, God!

Burt is the least of our problems.
The stash is gone.

Oh, God. I swear, I'll kill
that flat-ass bitch with my bare hands.


[breathing heavily]


Carol, calm down.

Last sister you whacked
landed your ass in here.

How many times do I have to tell you
that Barbie's the one who did it?

I just brought Debbie to the lake.

- We need to be strategic.
- No.

What we need to do is
to teach those D block bitches a lesson.

- Show them they can't fuck with us.
- Agreed.

But shoot a deer in the gut,
you wind up chasing it down for days.

Shoot it in the heart,
you're eating venison by dinner.


Frieda, meeting you
was the luckiest day I had

since I found that $50 bill
on the bathroom floor of Dairy Queen.

[indistinct chatter]

Damn. Look at this place.

They got TV.

Shit. It's like we in the VIP section
at the club.

[Dayanara] That's 'cause the C block girls
got all the good jobs

wrapping cheese for Grace Grocers.

So they sit here feeding their faces

while we wipe their floors
for 12 cents an hour

just 'cause we're stuck in D block?

Mmm-hmm. It's called economic segregation.

We live on the wrong side of the tracks.


Watch your back, Flaca.

- Do I know you?
- No, but we know you.

- You're the chick from YouTube, right?
- You saw that?

- We love your shit. Big fans.
- No, I liked the other one better.

Not me. I find you more relatable.

Too bad
you stuck with the douche block trash.

Gonna make life here a whole lot harder.

- Looks like you missed a spot.
- [mouthing] I'm so sorry.

And they call themselves fans.

Seriously, that's one full month
of contour powder.

Hey, guys, check it out.

[Black Cindy] A shower kit...

Well, don't look at me.
Unless you want me to puke on her.

Tattoo artist beat you to it.

Oh, I say we send the famous one.
Girl's probably president of her fan club.

My fans know less is more.

Better idea, we borrow one from Mendoza.

Oh, Jesus!

[woman speaking indistinctly
on walkie-talkie]

[breathes deeply]

[woman speaking indistinctly
on walkie-talkie]

Oh, shit. They're taking Frieda
for questioning.

I'm too late.

It's your fault
for not using my help with Charades.

Everyone knows you don't use "car"
when you wanna say "ca."

This is not good at all.
Frieda doesn't have the information.

She won't know how to defend herself.

Well, if you want help
getting the message out,

the offer's still on the...

I refuse to take help from a girl
whose greatest claim to fame

is blowing a lesser Wahlberg.


Well, unless that fur-fringed crystal ball
of yours can send psychic messages,

I don't think you have a choice.

And everybody in my neighborhood,
guys and girls, has blown a Wahlberg.

Not a big deal. There's a lot of them.

- What you doing here?
- Cleaning up after your happy hour.

Your mom knows you took a plea?

Look, I don't need
any guilt trips from you, okay?

You think I don't feel bad enough?
I can't sleep at night. Everything hurts.

When I finally manage to close my eyes,
all I can see is his fucking droopy face.

- I know you didn't mean for...
- That doesn't matter right now.

The only reason I came up here is
'cause I need to ask you for a favor.

- We lost all our shower stuff to the...
- Step away from the door, Mendoza.

Carol doesn't take kindly
to fraternizing with the help.

And, bitch, don't you even think
about stealing my brown Pantene.

That shit's getting discontinued.

Piscatella was killed in the pool.

- You mind saying that again?
- Seriously, Creech? It's one sentence.

Girl, you know how much paint
I huffed in middle school?

That guard, Piscatella.
Tell them he was killed in the pool.

Piscatella was killed in the pool.

They say Piscatella got killed
in the pool.

For real? Piscatella's dead?

Why so sad, Curly Sue? Guard dies,
you should throw a fucking party.

Yeah, uh, I'll wait to order the cake
until after I don't go down for murder.


Hey. Excuse me.

Yes, I'm sorry to bother you,
I really need to talk to my lawyer.

So he drowned?

No dipstick, the pool was empty.

Wait, which guard was it again?

I told you. The one that used
to work here. Big guy. Super tall.

Right, right. Got it.

Great. Ebony.

Not you, Baby Killer. The other one.

Please, I am so bored.

I already read this one.
It's more character-driven than plotty,

but it's intensely well observed.

I appreciate the two cent review,

but listen, your buddy across the way
thought you might like to read it again.

You hear me?

What else did she say?

Deitland, please throw me a bone.
I'll take anything.

Even the Bill O'Reilly book.

- Red is trying to send a message.
- [Beth] Try page 69.

They're always putting it there.
Think they're being so tricky.

[sighs] Lame.

Holy shit. You're right.

"Tall one killed in pool."

Tall one? Does she mean Alex?

Damn. I should've grabbed that Pantene
when I had the chance. Stupid.

The stupid part is that
we have to steal it in the first place.

Hey, hey, hey. One of Flaca's fangirls,

she doesn't have
her shower caddie thing with her.



Screw this. I'm goin' in.


I'm going with you.
Not to brag or nothing,

but I once walked outta Toys "R" Us
with 14 Bratz dolls in my pants.

Oh, yeah.
Bootylicious, just stand lookout.

And Spewy McChunks,
you gotta make a distraction.

I don't think I have anything left.

- So fake it.
- All right!

- Yo, Daya, come closer.
- I'm not done cleaning this area.

Well, my area is as ripe
as the stanky cheese...

so all hands on deck! Come on.


Oh, mercy me. Oh! When will it end?

[mimics retching]

- [coughing]
- There, there. You'll be okay.


Gotta go get that.

Yay! [chuckles]

You're sure Nicky got the message?

Trust me. When it comes to this place,
I'm fucking hi-speed digital broadband.

Overpriced with shitty customer service.

I don't remember charging you anything.

I know how people like you work.

You'll come
to collect your debt eventually.

Lighten up, Chuckie. I'm on your team now.

Here, I'll even send some good vibes
their way. [deep breath]

- Don't waste your time.
- Beats doing nothing.

'Specially if your crew gets in front of
those big, scary Feds

and decides to serve you up
like Easter supper.

I were you,
I'd get my butt in there, ASAP...

turn on them first.

You don't know my girls.

I like to think
I'm a pretty good judge of character.

But I guess we'll wait and see.

They show up here again,
you know they got your back.

But if they don't...

Sorry, I've forgotten the question.

You were explaining why your prints were
on the weapon that killed CO Piscatella.

That's easy. Because I moved it.
I didn't want anyone getting hurt.

You can't really be Annie Oakley
with the shakes.

[Nguyen] Nicky Nichols.

I wasn't told
you'd have representation present.

Yeah. I was having trouble
pulling the trigger on my legal team.

Not that I literally pulled any triggers.

My client had nothing to do
with the violence in the riot,

nor was she involved in organizing it.

That's interesting. Because I have
testimony of over 30 inmates

claiming they saw Ms. Nichols
break into the prison pharmacy

and distribute thousands of dollars' worth
of prescription medications.

Jesus. It's like a
George R.R. Martin novel.


I'll need to review a copy of that.

How is any of that even usable?

Half of those girls
were high the whole time.

I'd take this more seriously
if I were you, Ms. Nichols.

If you add up the theft, possession,
and distribution charges

the US Attorney's put together,

you'll be facing an additional 70 years.

[inmates gasping]

[Black Cindy] Shit! Burn, bitch. Burn.

[Taystee] Fuck you, Piscatella.

[Black Cindy] Yeah. What you got...

I'll tell you right now,
when a jury sees that,

they're gonna think, riot organizer.

I'd appreciate it if you'd stop
trying to intimidate my client

with your scare tactics.

Ms. Chapman had no involvement
in the riot's organization.

If anything, she was its victim.

A victim who quite willingly participated
in that bonfire

and captured it all on video.

But let's give Ms. Chapman a chance
to speak for herself, shall we?

Ms. Chapman? Ms. Chapman?

I'm sorry. What?

I'd like you to detail exactly
how you participated in the riot.

You want to know
what I did during the riot?

I ran around collecting Cheetos
and organizing an art installation.

[voice breaking]
That's what I chose to do...

when I could have been with Alex...

I couldn't see who fired the gun.
It was so dark.

And there was so much noise
and smoke and confusion...

How about we look at some pictures?

That might jog your memory.

They look familiar.

But my mind's not what it used to be.

What about her?

You think it could have been her?

I might be able to answer your question

if we could have a little talk first
about my situation.

[Les Nichols] Give me a break.

We both know whatever AUSA
you're paired up with

could give a rat's ass
about some bullshit drug charges.

So, unless you have something real
you wanna discuss, Agent Nig-oo-yen,

uh, I'd appreciate it if you didn't waste
any more of our time.

It's pronounced "Noog-yen."

Actually, it's "Wen."

- "Wen"?
- Always.

Apologies, Agent Nguyen.

My colleague was merely suggesting
that you put a deal on the table.

We both know that
the only thing you care about

is identifying the leaders of the riot
and determining who killed CO Piscatella.

I'll need to speak to
the US Attorneys Office first.

Okay, so you're telling me

you have no idea how CO Piscatella
came to be in that underground bunker?


I guess Red...

she made us bring him down there.

- [Michelson] Galina Reznikov?
- Yes.

I'm curious, Ms. Chapman.

Why would a group of inmates
want a guard with them down in that pool?

- Piper, you don't have to answer that.
- To torture him.

She wanted to torture him
for torturing us.

She couldn't let it go.

Her fucking obsession
brought that crazy man into the prison

and now Alex is...

You know,
you should all go fuck yourselves.

I don't care anymore.

That is very helpful, Ms. Berlin.
I appreciate your cooperation.

And I appreciate yours.

I still have some questions
about that bunker pool,

where CO Piscatella's body was found.


They're going to make you a deal, Nicky.
All you have to do is give them a name.

I don't know
who the fuck killed Piscatella.

I mean, the last I saw the guy, he was...

Okay, unfortunately, very much alive.

Well, maybe you can name
one of the organizers.

Now, you mentioned the woman
on the phone, right?

Who took you into the bunker.

- [chuckles]
- She had a color instead of a name.

Wait, first off, you named your kid
Atticus so you lost your right to judge.

Second, Red is my friend.

Based on what you told us
of her leadership role,

the AUSA probably already has
a case against her.

- Good for them. I'm not a snitch.
- Who cares?

You're gonna give up the rest of your life
to protect some criminal?

[chuckles] Not that it matters,
but Red just so happens to be

one of the few people in my life
who actually cares about me.

Kid, please,
I am begging you not to blow this.

Oh, don't worry about that

'cause I haven't blown anything
since at least 2006.

Okay. Why don't you take the night
and sleep on it, Nicky?

I know that this is a hard decision,

but if you want any sort of a life
beyond these bars,

then this may be your only chance.


[Bellamy] Contraband peanut butter,

23 cans of Hormel baked beans,

a 1994 Dell computer,
all of them covered in your fingerprints.

Not to mention ample forensic evidence

suggesting CO Piscatella was bound
in a bovine-themed stockade.

[chuckles] We let him go.

- Who's "we"?
- I let him go.

Sounds to me like you held him hostage.

After all,
he was tied up in your secret bunker.

Crazy bastard stormed the place.
He was gonna kill all of us.

So you decided to stop him
before he got the chance.

- No.
- Oh, so you only tortured him.

We immobilized him.

No one did anything after that.

He just sat there
with his head in the cow.

I need another name, Ms. Berlin.

That deal we talked about earlier,

about keeping you in Ad Seg,
away from all those dangerous women...

We did more than talk, we shook on it.

And I gave you the black girl.
We had a deal.

Well, things evolve.

You wanna keep your private room,
you're gonna have to give me another name.

Perhaps a Russian one.

They've been gone for hours,
you'd think they'd be back by now.

Jesus, Chuckie, enough with the pacing.

It's like you got a Fitbit
stashed up your snatch.

- What's happening? Where is everyone?
- Don't know about that.

You gotta come with me,
the investigators wanna talk to you.

But I already spoke with them.

See? What'd I tell ya,
you don't look out for number one,

you wind up steppin' in number two.

Move it along, ladies.

Check it out.

- Give me that deep conditioner.
- Chill, there's enough to go around.

[Black Cindy] Mmm!

I'm gonna get all up
in them nooks and crannies.


I know my nose has been
a little sensitive lately,

but this shampoo,
it doesn't smell so good.


- Oh, that shit is nasty!
- You don't think that...

Holy fuck!

- [retches]
- This ain't shampoo,

it's sham-piss!

[all exclaiming]

Daddy, come here, you gotta see this.
Cunt block whizzed in their soaps.

Inmates, back in your cells, now.

Wow, you girls must be pissed.

Fuck off. This is your fault
for stealing our shit in the first place.


You better watch your mouth, Diaz,

or I'll put you in the SHU
for trying to incite another riot.

[Daya groaning]


Knock, knock.


What do you want?

This is not representative
of my gift basket skills.

I can put together a tight-ass
themed basket on the outside.

Tight-ass is a theme?

- Ah, she's funny, too.
- I ain't falling for no more pranks.

That Pert piss trick's for amateurs.

If I was gonna pull something like that,
I'd go all the way, use number two.

It's already built in the name. "Shampoo."

Trust me, mamacita.
I'm looking out for you.


Almost as good as you look.

I put in a little something extra
to help with the pain.

And so you can get some shut-eye.

[phone ringing]

Interim Warden Figueroa.

Natalie, hi, it's Linda Ferguson from MCC.

Linda? I usually deal with Stan.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I just assumed JJack called you
about our shake-up over at corporate.

- That doesn't sound good.
- Actually, it's fantastic.

Not so much for Stan, but for me,

I was formerly head of purchasing,

but as of this morning,
I'm the new senior vice president.

Linda from Purchasing.

Congratulations. I look forward
to working with you.

Thank you.

I was hoping to hit the ground running,
and I would love it

if you and I could grab a drink later
this week to go over some of my new ideas.

Sounds wonderful.

Let's go, inmate. It's moving day.


Well, that can't be right.

They told me I could stay here in Ad Seg.

Well, that's not what my orders were.
Now hurry up, move it along.

[indistinct chatter]

Fucking kill you, Duffy!

Fucking cheese block's at it again.



[indistinct chatter and cheering]

[inmate] That was good.
Let's do that again. Let's get another.

Here we go.


Let's go, D block, come on.

Where the fuck is Frieda?

Haven't seen her
since the bottom of the third.

I saw her gettin' walked off by a CO,
I think.

Damn it! This whole thing was her plan.
Plus, she fucked up our kicking order.

Maybe she's in the bathroom.

You're up, Carol!

Unless you want an automatic out
for delay of game.

Fuck it, I'll do it myself.

We go on my signal.
They'll never know what hit 'em.

Hey. Don't we get any weapons?

Use what God gave you.
What are you, a fucking pussy?

[indistinct chatter]

[indistinct shouting]


[all yelling]

Fuck no!
Don't just stand there like dummies! Go!


What's your goddamn damage, Carol?

You are.

Never could stand losing to me, could you?

Always had to ruin a perfectly good game,
just like when we played Risk.

That's because you always cheated!




You think I care about some stupid game?

You stole my stash!

- What the hell are you talking about?
- I'd fuckin' kill you twice.

Once for stealing my drugs,
and once for my Burt poster.

Burt Reynolds sucks balls.

And I didn't take your drugs.

Double-dog pinky, Care.

If I did,
I'd be struttin' and you know it.

[guards shouting indistinctly]



Nice work, Berlin.

About that transfer?

- Got a van waiting outside.
- Pleasure doing business.


Stay out of trouble up the hill.

You just made a lot of big enemies
down here.


[door buzzes]

["Kokomo" by The Beach Boys playing]

♪ Aruba, Jamaica
Ooh, I wanna take ya ♪

♪ Bermuda, Bahama
Come on, pretty mama ♪

♪ Key Largo, Montego
Baby, why don't we go? ♪

♪ Jamaica
Off the Florida Keys ♪

♪ There's a place called Kokomo... ♪

You're the one who let me play Frogger.

Um, do you want a pudding cup?

They gave me an extra,
but too much sugar gets me tizzified.

Not... not right now. Thanks.

I don't know whose knob you greased
to get in here, but welcome to Florida.

♪ Bermuda, Bahama
Come on, pretty mama ♪

♪ Key Largo, Montego
Baby, why don't we go? ♪

Hey, Suzanne, I changed my mind
about that pudding.


♪ That's where we wanna go
Down in Kokomo ♪

♪ Aruba, Jamaica
Ooh, I wanna take ya ♪

♪ To Bermuda, Bahama
Come on, pretty mama ♪

♪ Key Largo, Montego ♪

♪ Baby, why don't we go?
Ooh, I wanna take you down to Kokomo ♪

♪ We'll get there fast
And then we'll take it slow ♪

♪ That's where we wanna go
Way down in Kokomo ♪

♪ Port au Prince
I wanna catch a glimpse ♪

♪ Everybody knows ♪

♪ A little place like Kokomo ♪

♪ Now if you wanna go
And get away from it all ♪

♪ Go down to Kokomo ♪