Orange Is the New Black (2013–…): Season 6, Episode 11 - Well This Took a Dark Turn - full transcript
While Red and Carol scheme against Frieda; Suzanne watches Frieda's back. Lorna swears her allegiance to Barb as Nicky works to thwart another plot.
So this is what you do?
You promise endless shrimp,
then disappear all night?
Leave me sitting around,
getting sick off your nana's farts?
Like you ain't got a phone? Huh?
Air that out.
Stink like she already dead in the inside.
Then she got the balls to say
I smell like a prostitute.
Ricky.
It's time for fresh air.
You've been cooped up too long.
I'll be right inside.
You're not gonna say nothing?
I sat here not knowing
if you was dead or fucking somebody.
I knew that company was corrupt.
Do you know what could happen
if I got caught with this?
What are you talking about?
That ain't mine.
I should have known.
Once a felon, always a felon.
At least someone's making money here.
'Cause you ain't making shit.
I got kids in the system!
How am I supposed to fit them
in this tiny place? They're big!
Are you seriously still attacking me?
After you used me as a drug mule?
You're provoking me. I'm provoked.
Stupid me, fallin' for a loser CO
who's afraid to make real money.
I am not a loser.
Oh, no? You a nine-to-five rent-a-cop.
Hanging out with your loser coworkers
like they're your friends,
eating donuts
and playing stupid games all day.
You get paid to sit in a prison.
That's what you want to do with your life?
Until you're 60 and fat
and still broke as shit?
My job has a great retirement package
and people respect me.
Ricky, I plotched again.
I need a new Depends. And bring the wipes.
You heard her.
Go change her shitty diaper, nana's boy.
Ricky!
Enjoy the rest of your loser life.
Ricky!
Ricky!
Yes! Great hustle, guys.
Great hustle, everybody.
Against the wall for suicides.
This took a dark turn.
It's a sprinting exercise.
You run to the three-point line and back,
half court, back, full court, back.
- No, no.
- Let's go.
Fuck all this running.
Kickball is 90% standing around.
To beat D-Block,
we gotta get in better shape.
The sooner we finish this,
the sooner we scrimmage.
Or we can start scrimmaging right now.
Let's go. Three-point line.
Yes, three-point line.
Chapman was supposed to be
my secret weapon,
but all she's doing is distracting people
from their drug addictions
and unemployment.
I thought that was a good thing.
Yes! All right, nice work, you guys.
Nice job.
Okay! Way to go.
Um...
She doesn't look so good.
- Whoo!
- Oh!
What you laughin' at?
You never seen anybody hurl before?
I'm injured.
You all right?
We could bury her alive
with a flashlight and shovel,
so she tries to dig her way out
until she reaches the bulletproof mirror
just below the surface
where she is forced to bear witness
to her slow, inevitable death.
Nah. Frieda's a rat. She likes burrowing.
I don't want her to enjoy any of it.
Jesus! Whatever happened to body hair?
If I wanted shaved legs,
I would date a woman.
I prefer smooth.
Dmitri has a back like a Yeti.
We could feed her feet first
to an anaconda.
She does hate snakes.
Although I'm craving something
a little more practical.
Practical isn't the game.
The game is fantasy murder.
What if we paid someone in Florida
a lot of money
to slit her throat with a shiv?
I give it four for creativity.
Four for creativity, sure,
but ten for it's actually happening.
As in done deal.
Bullshit.
Bulltrue.
What does it mean, this "bulltrue"?
Is it an American thing?
It's a me thing.
And it means that rat bitch, Frieda,
will be dead by the end of the week.
Enough games.
Now, there's a face worth sitting on.
Yeah.
Then she barfed.
Looked kinda like this.
And I said, "Ding, ding, ding.
She must be the killer
Carol sent to kill you,
because she is barfy
because she has nerves."
Like that time I had to keep the secret
of Grace's surprise party.
So then, I threw up in my backpack
every day for a week.
Then on the candles.
Badison's too valuable.
Carol likes to use expendables
to do her dirty work.
I definitely had my detective cap on,
so no one else stood out.
Although, to be honest,
they all seemed like criminals to me.
Could still be someone in here.
Someone crafty.
- Remember the Popsicle sticks we found?
- I found, you stole.
The point is,
a real detective suspects everyone,
especially the ones you'd least suspect.
It might be somebody
right under our noses.
Anybody want my pudding?
Been having this lactose issue lately.
- I'll take it.
- No, poison!
You're cleaning that.
It was vacuum sealed, Sherlock.
Right. Sorry.
Yeah, there's...
Looks like some got on my shoe.
If you just wanna dab that up.
You wanna be helpful?
Go gather some intel.
Ask leading questions, like they do on TV.
I'm gonna take a nap.
Don't you want me to bodyguard you
while you sleep?
You do your best work in the field.
Now, get to it
before the killer gets away.
Hey, there's a killer?
Oh...
It's a whole thing.
It's a girl.
You see that "G" shape?
That is a "G" for "girl."
Plus, you've gotten uglier since we met.
Your little girl
is trying to steal your beauty.
No, you're wrong. The poop's wrong.
I already know it's a boy.
What makes you so sure?
Did you boil a chicken heart
while I wasn't looking?
I'll go with Miss Cleo on this one.
Your left boob
is larger than your right boob.
So my money's on a tiny vagina.
Miss Cleo is Caribbean. You are racist.
Okay, my bad.
By the way, I heard some rats squeaking
over by the phone booth.
Might be the kids trying
to Incredible Journey their way
back home to you.
Go meet 'em halfway.
Nice try. They didn't survive the poison.
They told me in my dreams.
Next time, just ask me to leave.
That was too soon, Nicky.
Listen to me, Lorna.
We might be on the wrong side of history
with this whole balls-deep-in-Barb thing.
What do you mean?
All right.
Barb is pulling the trigger on Carol.
She's planning on whacking
her whole posse tomorrow at the salon.
I don't see how waxing her whole pussy
is gonna help kill Carol,
but I am sure that Barb has a great plan,
'cause she is a very smart leader.
She has a very high IQ.
You got corn in your ears or something?
Barb is going
after Carol's whole gang, right?
So Carol and Red
are like the Bobbsey Twins now.
If this goes down
the way Barb wants it to,
Red will wind up with a mouth for a neck.
She should have thought about that
before she climbed in bed
with that evil, lying bitch.
Are you serious?
I know you love a bandwagon,
but this is Red we're talking about.
Hey!
This woman protected you for years.
She made you butter cookies
after Christopher threatened to kill you.
She can't protect me anymore.
Vinnie says it's very important
to have a powerful family to protect you.
Like the Gambinos or the Sopranos.
- Mmm-hmm.
- I have a baby to think about.
You don't understand. You is not a mother.
You are right about that.
But you know who is, right? Red.
I don't know, Nicky.
Sometimes, I wonder
whose team you're really on.
Thank you for agreeing to meet with me.
I couldn't pass up the chance to tell you
to go fuck yourself in person.
I understand you might harbor
some resentment towards me.
I was hoping that maybe we could try
and move past some of that.
Look, here it comes.
Go fuck yourself.
Wait, Burset.
I'm here to talk about Tasha Jefferson.
What she got to do with me?
MCC is trying to put her away for life
for something she didn't do.
And I think that you can help save her.
You got a minute. Make it count.
I have met with nearly a dozen
other inmates like yourself...
who suffered terrible injustices
at the hands of MCC,
and we're going public
with a series of lawsuits.
Your horrific story of mistreatment
can tip the scales.
We can change
the narrative of Jefferson's trial
with the publicity from this.
I see.
You wanna use my story to help her.
Where was this help when I asked for it?
I know I screwed up when it came to you.
I made mistakes.
That's a big part of why I'm doing this.
I want to stop MCC from treating people
the way they treated you...
starting with Tasha Jefferson.
You and Taystee, y'all fucking?
What? No. No, no. God, no. No.
Don't act like it's a dumb question.
She was your secretary.
And you spend half the day
with your hand down your pants.
All I ask is that you meet
with the lawyer.
She thinks you have a strong case.
Let her tell you why you're gonna win.
Not for my sake, but for Taystee's.
Is that some Pilates shit?
I ain't never been able to find my core.
I think, instead of a core,
I have more of, like, a soft center.
Hey, T.
I missed you at lunch today.
Your back still bothering you?
It's killing me. I'm broken.
Hey.
Well, you wanna play
Six Degrees of Dr. Dre?
- Oh!
- Get your mind off of it.
We been through every rapper in the game.
We both could use the distraction.
My trial starts tomorrow.
That's tomorrow? Damn.
"Damn" is right, so play with me. Come on!
- Fine.
- Okay.
All right, now,
this one might be a little cray-cray,
but I believe in you.
E-40.
Stuck.
- Cake.
- Okay, what is it?
E-40 had that garbage single,
"Savage," featuring Jazze Pha.
All right.
Who did a collabo with Snoop
on "Double Tap,"
who was nominated for a Grammy
for his work with Dre.
Okay, you got it.
"Ain't nothin' but a G thang."
- That was a little easy.
- Thank you.
- You get four points.
- That's ten...
Jefferson. Is this your cell?
- We was just...
- That's a shot.
Now out, before I drag you out.
Can we talk for a second?
I got nothing to say to you.
- There's a lot of bad blood between us...
- Then why are you talking to me?
I've been doing a lot of thinking.
A lot of praying, actually.
And I just wanted to tell you
I forgive you.
Yeah? For what?
For getting me ten more years.
You forgive me? After you robbed me
of my one chance to see my son?
Benny could have died.
My daughter will be a teenager
by the time I get out.
You weren't worried about that when
you stuck flashlights up guards' asses.
You did that. Not me.
I'm not like that anymore.
You think you're a different person
'cause you said a couple of prayers?
Let me save you
a lot of time and frustration.
You were fucked up
when God put you in this world,
and you're still gonna be fucked up
when he takes you back out.
Saying some prayers ain't gonna do shit.
So don't bother.
Now, you should step away
before I do something stupid.
- It's important to stretch after exercise.
- You and Badison playing nice?
She's out of shape,
with the recent stabbing
and also... she's out of shape,
but she's got passion.
She's a psycho
and you unseated her as kickball queen.
She's not the type to let that go.
Don't worry. I've got this under control.
Where have I heard that before?
Hmm. I can't remember,
so I'll take your word for it.
Or you could come play with us,
now that you're not handicapped anymore.
"Handicapped"? That's ableist.
Anyway, I'm preoccupied.
- Mmm. I can see that.
- Yeah.
Hmm.
"Apply now
and earn your business degree online
in your spare time."
I was curious.
I thought I could become a CFO by the time
I'm out in four long, long, long years,
when I'm further down
the other side of the hill.
You will always be peaking in my eyes.
That's like your mother
saying you're beautiful.
It's nice, but...
At least you're thinking about our future
when we are both out of prison
and we can wear pretty bras again.
I love it when you talk
about sexy support garments.
This application
is giving me the stress sweats.
Is this shampoo or hooch? Can I use it?
It's for blondes, but desperate times...
I know what you're doing.
Combing my hair?
You like to come off all sweet
with your big words
and your natural-lookin' blonde hair,
but I dealt with fake bitches
like you before.
You got over on me with this
kickball bullshit, but I got plans, too.
This is just kickball.
The only hustle here is around the bases.
Do I look like a fuckin' idiot?
Let me explain how this works.
The C-Block bitches belong to me,
and that won't change
because a couple of retards
wanna call you captain.
So slow your roll before you get hurt.
Madison, you don't know me very well,
so let me enlighten you a little.
I've done the behind the back thing,
the secret power grab thing,
the gang thing.
I have done it all.
This? This is just kickball.
It's one small fucking thing that I can do
to make this place a little bit nicer
before I'm out in a few months.
So is it really so much to ask,
that for this small amount of time
that we have to be together, we get along,
before you never have to see me again?
A few months, huh?
Interesting. A lot can happen
between now and a few months.
Maybe a guard finds drugs
planted in your shoe.
Or you're forced to defend yourself
and you end up in solitary.
Or maybe you wake up
with a bloody shiv in your hand
next to a dead body
and there's cheese up your nose.
The possibilities are endless, really.
So if I were you,
I wouldn't go send any postcards just yet.
See you at practice, captain.
So, when you were escaped out of prison,
were you ever hired to murder anyone?
What? No. We were just having fun.
Until it wasn't fun anymore.
You know how everybody has, like,
a dark side and a light side?
When it was light, it was cool.
But when he would get dark,
I never knew
how long the nighttime would last.
At least in here, there's a schedule.
That's how I knew I had to come back
and finish my time.
And also kill Frieda.
Jesus, no!
For the last time, I'm not the killer.
Don't you know
the first suspect is too obvious?
Don't you watch any cop shows?
I did, but then I started
getting these nightmares
and I wasn't allowed to anymore.
Oh! Except for Inspector Gadget,
but he dressed a bit like this guy
who pulled his pee-pee out at me
at the book fair,
and couldn't get into it after that.
Yeah, well, what you want to do is,
as a detective,
you wanna find your special gift, right?
Like, are you OCD? Are you psychic?
Are you good with human remains?
Ah! You mean poop.
No, I meant bones.
But what are you good at?
Asking lots of questions.
- Is that helpful?
- Yes. It's perfect.
Why don't you go around
and ask people lots of questions,
say perp a lot,
and you'll find out who the killer is.
I'm gonna need a sidekick too, right?
So I can tell them what I'm thinking
for the audience to hear?
Hell, why not?
Is this gonna take long?
I got an overactive bladder.
Just a few more minutes.
Would you describe yourself
as someone crafty?
Well, I once made a sex toy
out of a Pringles can,
but the girth became an issue.
How long would you say
you've lived in this prison?
Approximately, a long-ass time.
- Would you say you never forget a face?
- Depends on the face.
She died.
I've been patient
because I'm a nice person,
but my friend here, she ain't so nice.
No telling what she'll do
if she loses her temper.
So why don't you answer my questions
before she starts asking hers?
I'm sorry, dear. Did you say something?
"Dear Asking for Our Friends,
I'm worried that I might be basic.
I've always loved a seasonal latte.
I've made life decisions based on
inspirational quotes from the Internet
and the movie The Sweetest Thing
is literally my life.
Does that mean I'm basic?"
Hmm. That's a tough one.
I think you should take this one, Tova.
Basic seems like your area of expertise.
Sure thing, Flaca.
It's actually really simple, folks.
If you spend all day
worrying about your makeup,
though you're locked up in a prison,
you're basic.
If you secretly love Taylor Swift
and think that everyone is so mean to her?
Basic.
And if you write into radio shows
to try and find out
whether or not you might be basic?
Sorry, boo, ya basic.
Well, you heard it
from the expert herself.
The verdict is basic.
Have a think about your choices
and we'll be back with more after this.
Stay tuned.
Oh!
Good choice. Love me a throwback.
Is it really that bad?
You have no idea.
Back pain isn't about your back.
Dr. Sarno says physical pain distracts you
from your emotional fucked-upness.
Dr. Sarno?
Did you get that from a YouTube video?
I read it in O Magazine.
The only way to fix it is to figure out
what you did wrong and make it right.
Hey, Hopper.
Rough night?
Your ex-con girlfriend keep you awake
with an all-night fuckathon?
- That's not your business.
- Sounds like a no.
It's nothing a donut can't fix.
- I'm not in the mood.
- What?
Donut Day is your favorite day.
I said I'm not in the mood.
What is all this anyway?
Alvarez's ten-year anniversary at Max.
It was over the weekend
if you factor in the leap years, but...
Ten years, that's a long time.
Congratulations, buddy.
Thanks.
Actually, now that you're here,
I wanted to wait for Ginger too,
but I'm worried if I don't say this now,
that I'll never say it.
"These past ten years have been
the best years of my life.
There's some work places
that can be boring,
but working here is always exciting
with the pranks, the inside jokes,
the running bets
and, of course, Donut Fridays.
I can't imagine a better way to have spent
the last ten years of my life
than being here every day
with such incredible friends,
and I hope that I have at least
ten more years at Litchfield in my future.
Thank you."
Tough act to follow.
Better start writing, Hopper. You're next.
What? Your counting's off.
It hasn't been ten years already.
It has.
I remember because I was here six months
before I met you and made my first friend.
Coworker. I'm your coworker, Al.
Hmm.
Well, this party makes me
want to kill myself.
Speaking of, I caught inmate Sagher
trying to tie her sheets into a noose.
So if all goes well, there might be
some changes to the scoreboard.
Know what I mean?
Listen to yourself.
This is a living human being
we're talking about.
Not for long though.
Fuck it. I'm done with this game.
Count me out.
Ooh.
We'll have to divvy up his players.
Silver lining.
We should wait for Ginger.
Why? She's too far behind to catch up.
Save her a donut. She'll be happy.
Hopper?
You wanna weigh in on this?
Whatever.
Do you hear me?
Hey. Too late
for a fourth-quarter substitution?
I thought you didn't approve of my plan.
I don't. You know, I think it's risky
and there are too many variables,
which is why you'll need at least
one sober person with a brain
to ensure things run smoothly.
Not that the rest of you don't seem like,
you know, very intelligent people.
- I like where your head's at.
- Yeah.
And that smart mouth might come in handy
if the guards start asking questions.
So after our CO
radios the guard in the hall,
you're only gonna have a few seconds
to make your move.
Hutton, I need you
to cause enough commotion
to draw the ginger guard out
and then the rest is up to you three.
You'll be legends after today.
No one leaves that room alive.
You get rubbed and I get gray.
Where's the justice?
Allergies.
Hey, Young. Get over here.
Young, can you meet me
outside D-Block? I got a situation.
Call somebody else.
We may have a situation here.
Yeah, but...
That can't be good.
It could be fake.
We should see how it plays out.
Why? You tryin' to get stabbed?
Protocol says she goes straight to
protective Ad Seg till we figure it out.
I'll take her.
Copy.
Inmate Denning, your salon time is up.
Come with me.
Come with you where?
Where I take you. Let's go.
Who's a good girl?
Hey, Ruthie, you want a treat?
Who's Mommy's good girl?
Ruthie! Mommy loves you.
Hey, Ruthie! Ruth!
Why is Joseph Caputo's name
on the inmate visitation list?
Probably because he wrote it there
before visiting an inmate.
And why would he?
I'm not sure,
but he has been here all day.
He's a real player.
Did you hear he's dating the warden?
You...
Yeah, I'm starting to think
it might be a guard.
All the inmates we interviewed
had pretty solid alibis.
That's impressive, considering the murder
hasn't happened yet.
True. Maybe we should start
looking at a motive.
Look, this has been illuminating, really,
but maybe you two should give it a rest.
Yeah. I mean, I'm at a loss.
The confused one didn't even know
we were in a prison.
The rich one couldn't even identify
Frieda's face.
Yeah, 'cause you drew
a Popsicle with hair.
Yeah, wait a second. The rich one?
There's a rich one
who's rolling in commissary.
She's got four radios.
That's surround sound.
And she's been eating black Doritos.
Caviar flavored.
- Mind pointing her out to me?
- Yeah.
Getting ready to take the ladies
to prayer group. You coming?
Nah, I don't think so.
You always go.
It's hard to talk to God when you're
thinking about strangling an evil bitch.
Not the kind of thing you tell a CO.
I've been trying real hard
to do the right thing, you know?
Let Jesus take the wheel or whatever.
But I'm starting to think...
she's right.
And maybe, no matter what I do,
I'll still be a piece of shit.
You know, one time when I was a kid,
I almost killed a bird.
Threw a rock at it and broke its wing.
Mormon kids don't have
too many outlets for their anger.
Anyway, I decided in that moment
that I was a piece of shit.
I mean, I had basically killed it
for no reason.
But then my mom made me take it in
and nurse it back to health,
and, a few weeks later,
it healed and we let it go.
And I realized that I had saved its life.
But you're the reason why it almost died.
That's the point.
When I hurt it, I was a piece of shit.
But when I healed it, I wasn't.
I don't get it.
God doesn't make good or bad people.
That's a myth.
He just makes people.
Sometimes they do good things,
sometimes not so good.
But the beauty is you get to wake up
and choose every day.
As long as you're choosing
to do the good things, then you're good.
Are you some kind of preacher
or some shit?
Yeah, we all are, sort of.
Missionary work.
Anyway, you're not wearing your ID badge.
That's a shot.
Clear.
Hands against
the wall. Hands.
Clear.
Fucking Badison.
It ain't that bad.
I mean, you can shave one side
since you gay.
You know, that's, like,
the look for your people.
What is it about me?
For starters, you don't wear makeup
and I've seen you get engaged to a woman...
No, no. What is it about me
that makes people want to fuck with me?
- Can I be real with you?
- Please.
It's what they see
when they look at you.
They don't see you.
They see the shit they never had.
Money, education, opportunity.
That's why they never gonna stop,
because of what you represent.
But at least that's only in here.
People out there been fucking with me
my entire fucking life.
They see dangerous, poor,
ghetto black girl
that should be locked up in here forever.
So, like, if you want to trade places,
I'm game.
How do you deal with it?
I try to survive.
All right, Jefferson. Time's up.
So, what are we doing about this gum?
Cut it off.
Sit up
with your arms at your sides,
and if the judge asks you a question,
address him as "Your Honor."
Also, during your testimony,
refrain from the use of any slang words
like "yo" or "homie" or "homie-dawg"
or "trippin'," "turnt" or "clapback"...
No slang. Got it, thanks.
Okay. Most importantly,
during your testimony,
make sure to establish
eye contact with the jury.
Do not look at anyone in the gallery.
And especially not at Ms. Jefferson.
Remember the truth is on your side.
Tell your story to the court
the way you told me.
But it's bullshit.
What is?
All of it.
I understand you may be frustrated...
No.
You don't understand.
We was down there with him.
With Piscatella. Alive.
Taystee had the gun pointed at his head,
but she didn't shoot him.
She gave me the gun,
and then we let him go.
When CERT stormed, Suzanne and I hid...
You're emotional right now and saying lots
of things, most of which I didn't hear.
'Cause you not listening to me!
I'm telling you she's innocent.
Mr. Siegel, please.
I'm begging you.
I can't let Taystee go down like this.
There has to be a way.
There's got to be some way
that we can make it right.
Look, Cindy, putting aside the fact
that I can't make heads or tails
of what you may or may not have just said,
you're giving testimony in a few hours.
If you deviate
from your written statement,
you'll lose the deal
and be deemed an unreliable witness.
I should have said something sooner,
but I was scared.
Man, do you know what...
I've been around scumbag cops
my whole life.
I know what they do
to people like me when we talk.
Changing your testimony at the 11th hour
will not help Jefferson's case.
Listen. You won't help her,
but you'll end up hurting yourself.
But she didn't do it.
Then let's hope the jury determines that.
But as far as you helping her,
it's too late.
I am urging you, as your legal counsel,
to testify to the statement
you gave the feds.
There's no point
in adding years of extra time
on top of what is already
a painful situation.
Ms. Hayes?
Where's Caputo?
He told me I was meeting with my lawyer
to talk about my case against MCC.
He wants to take the case public
to embarrass MCC, correct?
I'm assuming you ain't the lawyer, then?
No. I'm the senior vice president of MCC.
I should have known.
Never trust a white woman with a weave.
You can trust me.
I'm one of the good ones.
If you were, you wouldn't be working
for Evil Incorporated.
Look, Ms. Burset,
I know you suffered greatly
under the previous administration at MCC.
But my mission
as the new senior vice president
is to correct the mistakes
of my predecessors.
Right.
How do you intend to correct
the six months I spent in isolation
without decent food or sunlight
or laying my eyes on another human being
except for those giant walking potatoes
you call guards.
I would like to personally apologize
for the horrendous mistreatment
that you endured.
But under my leadership,
such inhumane torture
will never take place at Litchfield again.
As reparation, I would like to offer you
a settlement of $300,000.
I got the go ahead from my superiors.
The funds can be transferred
to your bank by this afternoon.
All you have to do is sign an agreement
promising not to file
or testify against MCC.
So this is hush money?
Consider it an act of good faith.
Clearly, it's not enough to make up
for the trauma that you suffered,
but I hope that it will help you get back
on your feet after your early release.
Did you say early release?
I did.
As long as you agree not to sue, testify
or ever speak of this conversation.
Damn.
You really are a good witch.
Let's join hands
for today's group prayer.
Um, Maria, would you like to lead us?
Um, I'll give it a try.
Dear God...
today we pray for the strength
to follow your teachings.
To be peacemakers, to be pure of heart,
to be merciful,
because that shit ain't easy...
There are a lot of bitches in here
that don't deserve mercy,
and sometimes it feels
like no matter how hard you try,
you'll just end up back where you started.
So we ask for your support
in trying to do the right thing
and for your guidance
in knowing which way to go.
And I'm sorry about saying
shit and bitch. Twice.
- Amen.
- Amen.
That was very moving.
- I'd like to share something.
- Yes.
- Beth, go ahead.
- Maria.
Your words about doing
the right thing resonated for me.
And to honor that,
I feel I need to make a confession.
I was the one who tried to drown you
in the guard bathroom.
I'm sorry.
Something comes over me.
I've tried to deal
with this problem on my own,
but being in this group has taught me
that I need put it in the Lord's hands.
That was you?
Yes, but it led you here, right?
I guess the Lord works in mysterious ways.
This got nothing to do with the Lord.
You fucking tried to kill me,
you fucking bitch.
They wanted to keep me in Psych.
They made me say that I tried
to drown myself in a toilet.
I said I was sorry.
Fuck you.
Try to speak from a place of love.
You told me this was a baptism, but it was
an attempted murder by a baby killer.
- Is that how you killed them too?
- Maria!
- You drowned them in a toilet?
- Maria, please.
Nah, I get it now.
This whole thing is a joke.
Y'all like to talk about forgiveness,
believing you're better than everyone
because you talk to God
so you can sleep at night.
But you'll still be as fucked up
as the rest of us.
- But at least I can own it.
- Maria...
Shut the fuck up.
Was I wrong there?
Gladys, right? Sorry to bug you.
Was hoping to trade you for some
of them oatmeal cream pies you got.
Commissary's all out.
What are you offering?
My own little recipe.
The juice from the peach cups
makes for a smooth finish.
You must love you some cream pie.
Takes me back to my girlhood.
I've been needin' an escape
from this place.
How's about three for one?
Mmm. You weren't kidding. This is smooth.
Another life, I could've been a vintner.
Hey, quite a haul you got.
You win the numbers or something?
Shit's rigged.
My Uncle Eddie finally died.
Old pervert left everything to me.
Guess that sitting on his lap
finally paid off.
- Gotta play the long game. How'd he die?
- They said it was a heart attack,
but something tells me
there was Viagra and a belt involved.
He leave you any property?
Why? You in the market?
Oh, just making conversation.
I didn't mean to pry.
Not for nothing,
but I always felt original flavor Doritos
were the only one worth their salt.
'Cause you never had these.
These are smoked chili flavored.
Bullshit.
Bulltrue.
They've got a kick that'll put hair
on your chest if you don't already got it.
Mind throwing a bag in for me?
That hooch was good.
You didn't really think I was gonna go
for that Uncle Eddie bit, did you?
Was worth a shot.
Somebody help! She's trying to kill me!
Wait, wait. Goddamn!
You motherfucking bitch! You...
Carol and Barb? But I'm in last place!
Oh, my God. We moved Carol to Ad Seg.
And Barb hasn't had an incident in years.
Thank your beloved new commissioner.
You don't understand, Al.
I really need this money.
Tony Robbins extended his tour
with Pitbull,
and I'm never gonna get any points
with Carol and Barb.
- Why do you have that face?
- I don't have a face.
This is bullshit! Where's Chapman?
If I had to guess, I'd say she's being
dragged to SHU right now.
You better work on your dodging skills.
Actually, she's right behind you.
I didn't think
I'd be seeing you for a while.
I know you put drugs in my shoe.
And I'm not afraid of you.
You're dumber than you look.
Excuse me. I have an intramural to win.
All right, ladies.
That's enough pegging for right now.
That's what he said.
Who's he?
Let's see some sprints.
You know the drill,
so up against the wall. Let's go.
Glad to have you back.
Things were getting weird.
All right, on my mark.
Ready. Get set.
Go!
Ahhh, I'm hurt!
She ran into me. She was running too fast.
I been saying all along,
this kickball thing is way too dangerous.
Maybe we should cancel it. For safety.
She looks hurt.
I'm counting at least five points
from the neck up alone.
I'm way ahead of you.
She didn't get hurt because of kickball,
but because you were running.
That's true.
Running is not kickball-dependent.
Are you serious?
Her nose bone probably got pushed
back into her brain.
- Kickball may have killed her.
- Sorry.
The line of causality is really tough.
Keep playing. Next time,
watch where you're going.
- What do you think?
- Agreed.
No sense ruining a good thing
over one accident.
That's a lot of blood.
Should we radio the EMTs?
Yeah.
Don't worry. I just came to get my shit.
I don't wanna spend another second
in this stanky-ass, depressing place.
- Aleida.
- Yeah. I don't wanna hear another word.
You fucking white boys are all the same.
A bunch of pussies.
Put the bag down.
Hey, don't touch me. I said I'm done.
Ricky!
One second, Nana!
We do this for three months.
Get enough money for you to get your
kids back, maybe get a bigger place.
And then we're out, you understand?
Three months ain't enough time
to get shit.
It is if we fill the whole containers,
not just the bottoms.
You were right. About my life.
I've been going through the motions,
living for little highs here and there,
but mostly doing nothing.
Then I met you, and all of a sudden,
I'm excited to get up in the morning.
I actually feel like I'm fucking alive.
Like I can do shit. Like, manly shit.
I didn't know I could feel this way.
I can't go back to the way it was before.
So I guess that means I'm all in.
I'm glad you finally understand
how lucky you are to have me.
Wait. Ain't your nana gonna hear us?
She has over 70% hearing loss
in both ears.
- I'm gonna fuck the shit out of you.
- Yeah, you are.
Oh.
Sophia.
Uh...
Thank you for coming in.
This is Tania.
Tania Fernandez. Pleasure to meet you.
Tania has graciously agreed
to represent you.
Yes. I believe this case has the potential
to set an important precedent
for the men and women who are suffering...
Let me stop you right there.
I'm not going to sue.
What?
I just wanted to tell you in person.
I'm not gonna fight this.
Why not?
I met with the senior vice president
of MCC.
- Please don't say Linda Ferguson.
- Linda Ferguson.
She offered me a settlement
and I decided to take it.
Jesus Christ.
If I may interject.
From my point of view, you have
a really good chance of winning this case.
Can you promise me I'll win?
Because she just promised me $300K,
which is being transferred
to my account as we speak.
What about all the women you could help?
- What about Taystee? You owe it to her...
- I don't owe nobody shit.
The only responsibility I got
is to my wife and my son.
This money could provide for them the way
I should have been all these years.
I could send my son to college,
so he don't end up like me, here.
Don't you want your story heard?
I'm done trying to be heard.
Nobody's listening.
My time here has taught me that much.
Besides, I already signed the papers.
Barb wants to speak with you.
According to this, you get more
with a smile than with scowls and lurking.
That's news you can use.
Get up.
Nicky baby, where you been hiding, girl?
Uh, I had to rub one out.
All that adrenaline
really got me worked up.
You're too much.
Hey, listen, I wanted to apologize
for our little murder snafu earlier.
So embarrassing.
I hope you won't hold it against me.
It gave me the blue balls
for the bloodlust.
But we'll get 'em next time.
Well, I don't know about that.
Some of these ladies seem to think
that we might have a mole.
Can you believe that?
Who would do that to me?
After the way I look after my girls.
Looked to me like somebody
tipped off the ginger.
Could be your CO playing both sides.
Your sister is big
on the cloak-and-dagger maneuvers.
True.
Or it could be someone with ties
to one of the ladies in C-Block.
Maybe someone with an old friend
they're looking out for?
Ah...
You talking about me and Reznikov?
Annalisa thinks you were interested in her
right when things turned sour.
Yeah. Interested in killing her
before she killed me.
I turned her in to the feds.
Or did your crack babies
miss that when doing their due diligence.
I'm covering my bases.
I'm having a stroke then,
'cause it sounds like you're accusing me.
Take a seat with the attitude.
You're a big shot now,
'cause you're fucking the heir apparent?
Where was this gay phase
when I was at camp? I am offended.
It's all right, Diaz. I think it's been
a stressful day for everybody.
Isn't that right, Nicky?
Come here.
Look, I am sorry that I accused you, okay?
I think it's this sobriety thing
that's got me all riled up.
You don't have to tell me.
I've come four times today.
It's not even noon.
There's that
mouth of yours again.
You really crack me up,
you know that?
Look, I'll keep my nose peeled.
See what I can dig up.
Yeah, I know you will.
I'm glad we talked.
Don't be such a stranger, okay?
Barb really loves
a visit from her Nicky baby.
Well, I would love to stay and chat,
but after all this excitement,
orgasm number five awaits.
So excuse me while I attend
to unfinished clitoris.
Gentlemen.
She's lying.
Shut up! You fuckin' embarrassed me.
Next time you make sure you see
what you think you see.
Now, I need my Noxzema and my bed.
I'm getting fucking rage lines.
Son of a bitch.
Cindy?
Yo, what they got you in here for?
Cindy?
- Any word on Dwight?
- She's fine.
Broke her nose again. What's left of it.
It was mostly mush to begin with.
Thought she was a goner.
Next time,
I'll have to put my weight into it.
There is something very,
very wrong with you.
Yeah? Well, you better get used to it,
'cause we're gonna be spending
a lot of long, hard years together.
What did I ever do to you?
What's the matter, cookie?
You crumbling already?
Must be hard. I bet you're used
to getting your way out there.
But down in here,
I decide who stays and who goes.
And I got a lot of time, Chapman.
A lot of time to think.
According to
your written testimony,
you saw the defendant point a gun
at Desi Piscatella's head, correct?
Yes.
Where were you
when the CERT officers stormed the pool?
I was in the closet.
So you didn't see what happened
when they stormed the pool?
All you saw before you left the pool
was Tasha Jefferson pointing a gun
at Desi Piscatella, correct?
Ms. Hayes, is that correct?
Yes.
Inmate Denning, get up.
You're coming with me.
What? Why?
Let's go. Move it.
In.
You promise endless shrimp,
then disappear all night?
Leave me sitting around,
getting sick off your nana's farts?
Like you ain't got a phone? Huh?
Air that out.
Stink like she already dead in the inside.
Then she got the balls to say
I smell like a prostitute.
Ricky.
It's time for fresh air.
You've been cooped up too long.
I'll be right inside.
You're not gonna say nothing?
I sat here not knowing
if you was dead or fucking somebody.
I knew that company was corrupt.
Do you know what could happen
if I got caught with this?
What are you talking about?
That ain't mine.
I should have known.
Once a felon, always a felon.
At least someone's making money here.
'Cause you ain't making shit.
I got kids in the system!
How am I supposed to fit them
in this tiny place? They're big!
Are you seriously still attacking me?
After you used me as a drug mule?
You're provoking me. I'm provoked.
Stupid me, fallin' for a loser CO
who's afraid to make real money.
I am not a loser.
Oh, no? You a nine-to-five rent-a-cop.
Hanging out with your loser coworkers
like they're your friends,
eating donuts
and playing stupid games all day.
You get paid to sit in a prison.
That's what you want to do with your life?
Until you're 60 and fat
and still broke as shit?
My job has a great retirement package
and people respect me.
Ricky, I plotched again.
I need a new Depends. And bring the wipes.
You heard her.
Go change her shitty diaper, nana's boy.
Ricky!
Enjoy the rest of your loser life.
Ricky!
Ricky!
Yes! Great hustle, guys.
Great hustle, everybody.
Against the wall for suicides.
This took a dark turn.
It's a sprinting exercise.
You run to the three-point line and back,
half court, back, full court, back.
- No, no.
- Let's go.
Fuck all this running.
Kickball is 90% standing around.
To beat D-Block,
we gotta get in better shape.
The sooner we finish this,
the sooner we scrimmage.
Or we can start scrimmaging right now.
Let's go. Three-point line.
Yes, three-point line.
Chapman was supposed to be
my secret weapon,
but all she's doing is distracting people
from their drug addictions
and unemployment.
I thought that was a good thing.
Yes! All right, nice work, you guys.
Nice job.
Okay! Way to go.
Um...
She doesn't look so good.
- Whoo!
- Oh!
What you laughin' at?
You never seen anybody hurl before?
I'm injured.
You all right?
We could bury her alive
with a flashlight and shovel,
so she tries to dig her way out
until she reaches the bulletproof mirror
just below the surface
where she is forced to bear witness
to her slow, inevitable death.
Nah. Frieda's a rat. She likes burrowing.
I don't want her to enjoy any of it.
Jesus! Whatever happened to body hair?
If I wanted shaved legs,
I would date a woman.
I prefer smooth.
Dmitri has a back like a Yeti.
We could feed her feet first
to an anaconda.
She does hate snakes.
Although I'm craving something
a little more practical.
Practical isn't the game.
The game is fantasy murder.
What if we paid someone in Florida
a lot of money
to slit her throat with a shiv?
I give it four for creativity.
Four for creativity, sure,
but ten for it's actually happening.
As in done deal.
Bullshit.
Bulltrue.
What does it mean, this "bulltrue"?
Is it an American thing?
It's a me thing.
And it means that rat bitch, Frieda,
will be dead by the end of the week.
Enough games.
Now, there's a face worth sitting on.
Yeah.
Then she barfed.
Looked kinda like this.
And I said, "Ding, ding, ding.
She must be the killer
Carol sent to kill you,
because she is barfy
because she has nerves."
Like that time I had to keep the secret
of Grace's surprise party.
So then, I threw up in my backpack
every day for a week.
Then on the candles.
Badison's too valuable.
Carol likes to use expendables
to do her dirty work.
I definitely had my detective cap on,
so no one else stood out.
Although, to be honest,
they all seemed like criminals to me.
Could still be someone in here.
Someone crafty.
- Remember the Popsicle sticks we found?
- I found, you stole.
The point is,
a real detective suspects everyone,
especially the ones you'd least suspect.
It might be somebody
right under our noses.
Anybody want my pudding?
Been having this lactose issue lately.
- I'll take it.
- No, poison!
You're cleaning that.
It was vacuum sealed, Sherlock.
Right. Sorry.
Yeah, there's...
Looks like some got on my shoe.
If you just wanna dab that up.
You wanna be helpful?
Go gather some intel.
Ask leading questions, like they do on TV.
I'm gonna take a nap.
Don't you want me to bodyguard you
while you sleep?
You do your best work in the field.
Now, get to it
before the killer gets away.
Hey, there's a killer?
Oh...
It's a whole thing.
It's a girl.
You see that "G" shape?
That is a "G" for "girl."
Plus, you've gotten uglier since we met.
Your little girl
is trying to steal your beauty.
No, you're wrong. The poop's wrong.
I already know it's a boy.
What makes you so sure?
Did you boil a chicken heart
while I wasn't looking?
I'll go with Miss Cleo on this one.
Your left boob
is larger than your right boob.
So my money's on a tiny vagina.
Miss Cleo is Caribbean. You are racist.
Okay, my bad.
By the way, I heard some rats squeaking
over by the phone booth.
Might be the kids trying
to Incredible Journey their way
back home to you.
Go meet 'em halfway.
Nice try. They didn't survive the poison.
They told me in my dreams.
Next time, just ask me to leave.
That was too soon, Nicky.
Listen to me, Lorna.
We might be on the wrong side of history
with this whole balls-deep-in-Barb thing.
What do you mean?
All right.
Barb is pulling the trigger on Carol.
She's planning on whacking
her whole posse tomorrow at the salon.
I don't see how waxing her whole pussy
is gonna help kill Carol,
but I am sure that Barb has a great plan,
'cause she is a very smart leader.
She has a very high IQ.
You got corn in your ears or something?
Barb is going
after Carol's whole gang, right?
So Carol and Red
are like the Bobbsey Twins now.
If this goes down
the way Barb wants it to,
Red will wind up with a mouth for a neck.
She should have thought about that
before she climbed in bed
with that evil, lying bitch.
Are you serious?
I know you love a bandwagon,
but this is Red we're talking about.
Hey!
This woman protected you for years.
She made you butter cookies
after Christopher threatened to kill you.
She can't protect me anymore.
Vinnie says it's very important
to have a powerful family to protect you.
Like the Gambinos or the Sopranos.
- Mmm-hmm.
- I have a baby to think about.
You don't understand. You is not a mother.
You are right about that.
But you know who is, right? Red.
I don't know, Nicky.
Sometimes, I wonder
whose team you're really on.
Thank you for agreeing to meet with me.
I couldn't pass up the chance to tell you
to go fuck yourself in person.
I understand you might harbor
some resentment towards me.
I was hoping that maybe we could try
and move past some of that.
Look, here it comes.
Go fuck yourself.
Wait, Burset.
I'm here to talk about Tasha Jefferson.
What she got to do with me?
MCC is trying to put her away for life
for something she didn't do.
And I think that you can help save her.
You got a minute. Make it count.
I have met with nearly a dozen
other inmates like yourself...
who suffered terrible injustices
at the hands of MCC,
and we're going public
with a series of lawsuits.
Your horrific story of mistreatment
can tip the scales.
We can change
the narrative of Jefferson's trial
with the publicity from this.
I see.
You wanna use my story to help her.
Where was this help when I asked for it?
I know I screwed up when it came to you.
I made mistakes.
That's a big part of why I'm doing this.
I want to stop MCC from treating people
the way they treated you...
starting with Tasha Jefferson.
You and Taystee, y'all fucking?
What? No. No, no. God, no. No.
Don't act like it's a dumb question.
She was your secretary.
And you spend half the day
with your hand down your pants.
All I ask is that you meet
with the lawyer.
She thinks you have a strong case.
Let her tell you why you're gonna win.
Not for my sake, but for Taystee's.
Is that some Pilates shit?
I ain't never been able to find my core.
I think, instead of a core,
I have more of, like, a soft center.
Hey, T.
I missed you at lunch today.
Your back still bothering you?
It's killing me. I'm broken.
Hey.
Well, you wanna play
Six Degrees of Dr. Dre?
- Oh!
- Get your mind off of it.
We been through every rapper in the game.
We both could use the distraction.
My trial starts tomorrow.
That's tomorrow? Damn.
"Damn" is right, so play with me. Come on!
- Fine.
- Okay.
All right, now,
this one might be a little cray-cray,
but I believe in you.
E-40.
Stuck.
- Cake.
- Okay, what is it?
E-40 had that garbage single,
"Savage," featuring Jazze Pha.
All right.
Who did a collabo with Snoop
on "Double Tap,"
who was nominated for a Grammy
for his work with Dre.
Okay, you got it.
"Ain't nothin' but a G thang."
- That was a little easy.
- Thank you.
- You get four points.
- That's ten...
Jefferson. Is this your cell?
- We was just...
- That's a shot.
Now out, before I drag you out.
Can we talk for a second?
I got nothing to say to you.
- There's a lot of bad blood between us...
- Then why are you talking to me?
I've been doing a lot of thinking.
A lot of praying, actually.
And I just wanted to tell you
I forgive you.
Yeah? For what?
For getting me ten more years.
You forgive me? After you robbed me
of my one chance to see my son?
Benny could have died.
My daughter will be a teenager
by the time I get out.
You weren't worried about that when
you stuck flashlights up guards' asses.
You did that. Not me.
I'm not like that anymore.
You think you're a different person
'cause you said a couple of prayers?
Let me save you
a lot of time and frustration.
You were fucked up
when God put you in this world,
and you're still gonna be fucked up
when he takes you back out.
Saying some prayers ain't gonna do shit.
So don't bother.
Now, you should step away
before I do something stupid.
- It's important to stretch after exercise.
- You and Badison playing nice?
She's out of shape,
with the recent stabbing
and also... she's out of shape,
but she's got passion.
She's a psycho
and you unseated her as kickball queen.
She's not the type to let that go.
Don't worry. I've got this under control.
Where have I heard that before?
Hmm. I can't remember,
so I'll take your word for it.
Or you could come play with us,
now that you're not handicapped anymore.
"Handicapped"? That's ableist.
Anyway, I'm preoccupied.
- Mmm. I can see that.
- Yeah.
Hmm.
"Apply now
and earn your business degree online
in your spare time."
I was curious.
I thought I could become a CFO by the time
I'm out in four long, long, long years,
when I'm further down
the other side of the hill.
You will always be peaking in my eyes.
That's like your mother
saying you're beautiful.
It's nice, but...
At least you're thinking about our future
when we are both out of prison
and we can wear pretty bras again.
I love it when you talk
about sexy support garments.
This application
is giving me the stress sweats.
Is this shampoo or hooch? Can I use it?
It's for blondes, but desperate times...
I know what you're doing.
Combing my hair?
You like to come off all sweet
with your big words
and your natural-lookin' blonde hair,
but I dealt with fake bitches
like you before.
You got over on me with this
kickball bullshit, but I got plans, too.
This is just kickball.
The only hustle here is around the bases.
Do I look like a fuckin' idiot?
Let me explain how this works.
The C-Block bitches belong to me,
and that won't change
because a couple of retards
wanna call you captain.
So slow your roll before you get hurt.
Madison, you don't know me very well,
so let me enlighten you a little.
I've done the behind the back thing,
the secret power grab thing,
the gang thing.
I have done it all.
This? This is just kickball.
It's one small fucking thing that I can do
to make this place a little bit nicer
before I'm out in a few months.
So is it really so much to ask,
that for this small amount of time
that we have to be together, we get along,
before you never have to see me again?
A few months, huh?
Interesting. A lot can happen
between now and a few months.
Maybe a guard finds drugs
planted in your shoe.
Or you're forced to defend yourself
and you end up in solitary.
Or maybe you wake up
with a bloody shiv in your hand
next to a dead body
and there's cheese up your nose.
The possibilities are endless, really.
So if I were you,
I wouldn't go send any postcards just yet.
See you at practice, captain.
So, when you were escaped out of prison,
were you ever hired to murder anyone?
What? No. We were just having fun.
Until it wasn't fun anymore.
You know how everybody has, like,
a dark side and a light side?
When it was light, it was cool.
But when he would get dark,
I never knew
how long the nighttime would last.
At least in here, there's a schedule.
That's how I knew I had to come back
and finish my time.
And also kill Frieda.
Jesus, no!
For the last time, I'm not the killer.
Don't you know
the first suspect is too obvious?
Don't you watch any cop shows?
I did, but then I started
getting these nightmares
and I wasn't allowed to anymore.
Oh! Except for Inspector Gadget,
but he dressed a bit like this guy
who pulled his pee-pee out at me
at the book fair,
and couldn't get into it after that.
Yeah, well, what you want to do is,
as a detective,
you wanna find your special gift, right?
Like, are you OCD? Are you psychic?
Are you good with human remains?
Ah! You mean poop.
No, I meant bones.
But what are you good at?
Asking lots of questions.
- Is that helpful?
- Yes. It's perfect.
Why don't you go around
and ask people lots of questions,
say perp a lot,
and you'll find out who the killer is.
I'm gonna need a sidekick too, right?
So I can tell them what I'm thinking
for the audience to hear?
Hell, why not?
Is this gonna take long?
I got an overactive bladder.
Just a few more minutes.
Would you describe yourself
as someone crafty?
Well, I once made a sex toy
out of a Pringles can,
but the girth became an issue.
How long would you say
you've lived in this prison?
Approximately, a long-ass time.
- Would you say you never forget a face?
- Depends on the face.
She died.
I've been patient
because I'm a nice person,
but my friend here, she ain't so nice.
No telling what she'll do
if she loses her temper.
So why don't you answer my questions
before she starts asking hers?
I'm sorry, dear. Did you say something?
"Dear Asking for Our Friends,
I'm worried that I might be basic.
I've always loved a seasonal latte.
I've made life decisions based on
inspirational quotes from the Internet
and the movie The Sweetest Thing
is literally my life.
Does that mean I'm basic?"
Hmm. That's a tough one.
I think you should take this one, Tova.
Basic seems like your area of expertise.
Sure thing, Flaca.
It's actually really simple, folks.
If you spend all day
worrying about your makeup,
though you're locked up in a prison,
you're basic.
If you secretly love Taylor Swift
and think that everyone is so mean to her?
Basic.
And if you write into radio shows
to try and find out
whether or not you might be basic?
Sorry, boo, ya basic.
Well, you heard it
from the expert herself.
The verdict is basic.
Have a think about your choices
and we'll be back with more after this.
Stay tuned.
Oh!
Good choice. Love me a throwback.
Is it really that bad?
You have no idea.
Back pain isn't about your back.
Dr. Sarno says physical pain distracts you
from your emotional fucked-upness.
Dr. Sarno?
Did you get that from a YouTube video?
I read it in O Magazine.
The only way to fix it is to figure out
what you did wrong and make it right.
Hey, Hopper.
Rough night?
Your ex-con girlfriend keep you awake
with an all-night fuckathon?
- That's not your business.
- Sounds like a no.
It's nothing a donut can't fix.
- I'm not in the mood.
- What?
Donut Day is your favorite day.
I said I'm not in the mood.
What is all this anyway?
Alvarez's ten-year anniversary at Max.
It was over the weekend
if you factor in the leap years, but...
Ten years, that's a long time.
Congratulations, buddy.
Thanks.
Actually, now that you're here,
I wanted to wait for Ginger too,
but I'm worried if I don't say this now,
that I'll never say it.
"These past ten years have been
the best years of my life.
There's some work places
that can be boring,
but working here is always exciting
with the pranks, the inside jokes,
the running bets
and, of course, Donut Fridays.
I can't imagine a better way to have spent
the last ten years of my life
than being here every day
with such incredible friends,
and I hope that I have at least
ten more years at Litchfield in my future.
Thank you."
Tough act to follow.
Better start writing, Hopper. You're next.
What? Your counting's off.
It hasn't been ten years already.
It has.
I remember because I was here six months
before I met you and made my first friend.
Coworker. I'm your coworker, Al.
Hmm.
Well, this party makes me
want to kill myself.
Speaking of, I caught inmate Sagher
trying to tie her sheets into a noose.
So if all goes well, there might be
some changes to the scoreboard.
Know what I mean?
Listen to yourself.
This is a living human being
we're talking about.
Not for long though.
Fuck it. I'm done with this game.
Count me out.
Ooh.
We'll have to divvy up his players.
Silver lining.
We should wait for Ginger.
Why? She's too far behind to catch up.
Save her a donut. She'll be happy.
Hopper?
You wanna weigh in on this?
Whatever.
Do you hear me?
Hey. Too late
for a fourth-quarter substitution?
I thought you didn't approve of my plan.
I don't. You know, I think it's risky
and there are too many variables,
which is why you'll need at least
one sober person with a brain
to ensure things run smoothly.
Not that the rest of you don't seem like,
you know, very intelligent people.
- I like where your head's at.
- Yeah.
And that smart mouth might come in handy
if the guards start asking questions.
So after our CO
radios the guard in the hall,
you're only gonna have a few seconds
to make your move.
Hutton, I need you
to cause enough commotion
to draw the ginger guard out
and then the rest is up to you three.
You'll be legends after today.
No one leaves that room alive.
You get rubbed and I get gray.
Where's the justice?
Allergies.
Hey, Young. Get over here.
Young, can you meet me
outside D-Block? I got a situation.
Call somebody else.
We may have a situation here.
Yeah, but...
That can't be good.
It could be fake.
We should see how it plays out.
Why? You tryin' to get stabbed?
Protocol says she goes straight to
protective Ad Seg till we figure it out.
I'll take her.
Copy.
Inmate Denning, your salon time is up.
Come with me.
Come with you where?
Where I take you. Let's go.
Who's a good girl?
Hey, Ruthie, you want a treat?
Who's Mommy's good girl?
Ruthie! Mommy loves you.
Hey, Ruthie! Ruth!
Why is Joseph Caputo's name
on the inmate visitation list?
Probably because he wrote it there
before visiting an inmate.
And why would he?
I'm not sure,
but he has been here all day.
He's a real player.
Did you hear he's dating the warden?
You...
Yeah, I'm starting to think
it might be a guard.
All the inmates we interviewed
had pretty solid alibis.
That's impressive, considering the murder
hasn't happened yet.
True. Maybe we should start
looking at a motive.
Look, this has been illuminating, really,
but maybe you two should give it a rest.
Yeah. I mean, I'm at a loss.
The confused one didn't even know
we were in a prison.
The rich one couldn't even identify
Frieda's face.
Yeah, 'cause you drew
a Popsicle with hair.
Yeah, wait a second. The rich one?
There's a rich one
who's rolling in commissary.
She's got four radios.
That's surround sound.
And she's been eating black Doritos.
Caviar flavored.
- Mind pointing her out to me?
- Yeah.
Getting ready to take the ladies
to prayer group. You coming?
Nah, I don't think so.
You always go.
It's hard to talk to God when you're
thinking about strangling an evil bitch.
Not the kind of thing you tell a CO.
I've been trying real hard
to do the right thing, you know?
Let Jesus take the wheel or whatever.
But I'm starting to think...
she's right.
And maybe, no matter what I do,
I'll still be a piece of shit.
You know, one time when I was a kid,
I almost killed a bird.
Threw a rock at it and broke its wing.
Mormon kids don't have
too many outlets for their anger.
Anyway, I decided in that moment
that I was a piece of shit.
I mean, I had basically killed it
for no reason.
But then my mom made me take it in
and nurse it back to health,
and, a few weeks later,
it healed and we let it go.
And I realized that I had saved its life.
But you're the reason why it almost died.
That's the point.
When I hurt it, I was a piece of shit.
But when I healed it, I wasn't.
I don't get it.
God doesn't make good or bad people.
That's a myth.
He just makes people.
Sometimes they do good things,
sometimes not so good.
But the beauty is you get to wake up
and choose every day.
As long as you're choosing
to do the good things, then you're good.
Are you some kind of preacher
or some shit?
Yeah, we all are, sort of.
Missionary work.
Anyway, you're not wearing your ID badge.
That's a shot.
Clear.
Hands against
the wall. Hands.
Clear.
Fucking Badison.
It ain't that bad.
I mean, you can shave one side
since you gay.
You know, that's, like,
the look for your people.
What is it about me?
For starters, you don't wear makeup
and I've seen you get engaged to a woman...
No, no. What is it about me
that makes people want to fuck with me?
- Can I be real with you?
- Please.
It's what they see
when they look at you.
They don't see you.
They see the shit they never had.
Money, education, opportunity.
That's why they never gonna stop,
because of what you represent.
But at least that's only in here.
People out there been fucking with me
my entire fucking life.
They see dangerous, poor,
ghetto black girl
that should be locked up in here forever.
So, like, if you want to trade places,
I'm game.
How do you deal with it?
I try to survive.
All right, Jefferson. Time's up.
So, what are we doing about this gum?
Cut it off.
Sit up
with your arms at your sides,
and if the judge asks you a question,
address him as "Your Honor."
Also, during your testimony,
refrain from the use of any slang words
like "yo" or "homie" or "homie-dawg"
or "trippin'," "turnt" or "clapback"...
No slang. Got it, thanks.
Okay. Most importantly,
during your testimony,
make sure to establish
eye contact with the jury.
Do not look at anyone in the gallery.
And especially not at Ms. Jefferson.
Remember the truth is on your side.
Tell your story to the court
the way you told me.
But it's bullshit.
What is?
All of it.
I understand you may be frustrated...
No.
You don't understand.
We was down there with him.
With Piscatella. Alive.
Taystee had the gun pointed at his head,
but she didn't shoot him.
She gave me the gun,
and then we let him go.
When CERT stormed, Suzanne and I hid...
You're emotional right now and saying lots
of things, most of which I didn't hear.
'Cause you not listening to me!
I'm telling you she's innocent.
Mr. Siegel, please.
I'm begging you.
I can't let Taystee go down like this.
There has to be a way.
There's got to be some way
that we can make it right.
Look, Cindy, putting aside the fact
that I can't make heads or tails
of what you may or may not have just said,
you're giving testimony in a few hours.
If you deviate
from your written statement,
you'll lose the deal
and be deemed an unreliable witness.
I should have said something sooner,
but I was scared.
Man, do you know what...
I've been around scumbag cops
my whole life.
I know what they do
to people like me when we talk.
Changing your testimony at the 11th hour
will not help Jefferson's case.
Listen. You won't help her,
but you'll end up hurting yourself.
But she didn't do it.
Then let's hope the jury determines that.
But as far as you helping her,
it's too late.
I am urging you, as your legal counsel,
to testify to the statement
you gave the feds.
There's no point
in adding years of extra time
on top of what is already
a painful situation.
Ms. Hayes?
Where's Caputo?
He told me I was meeting with my lawyer
to talk about my case against MCC.
He wants to take the case public
to embarrass MCC, correct?
I'm assuming you ain't the lawyer, then?
No. I'm the senior vice president of MCC.
I should have known.
Never trust a white woman with a weave.
You can trust me.
I'm one of the good ones.
If you were, you wouldn't be working
for Evil Incorporated.
Look, Ms. Burset,
I know you suffered greatly
under the previous administration at MCC.
But my mission
as the new senior vice president
is to correct the mistakes
of my predecessors.
Right.
How do you intend to correct
the six months I spent in isolation
without decent food or sunlight
or laying my eyes on another human being
except for those giant walking potatoes
you call guards.
I would like to personally apologize
for the horrendous mistreatment
that you endured.
But under my leadership,
such inhumane torture
will never take place at Litchfield again.
As reparation, I would like to offer you
a settlement of $300,000.
I got the go ahead from my superiors.
The funds can be transferred
to your bank by this afternoon.
All you have to do is sign an agreement
promising not to file
or testify against MCC.
So this is hush money?
Consider it an act of good faith.
Clearly, it's not enough to make up
for the trauma that you suffered,
but I hope that it will help you get back
on your feet after your early release.
Did you say early release?
I did.
As long as you agree not to sue, testify
or ever speak of this conversation.
Damn.
You really are a good witch.
Let's join hands
for today's group prayer.
Um, Maria, would you like to lead us?
Um, I'll give it a try.
Dear God...
today we pray for the strength
to follow your teachings.
To be peacemakers, to be pure of heart,
to be merciful,
because that shit ain't easy...
There are a lot of bitches in here
that don't deserve mercy,
and sometimes it feels
like no matter how hard you try,
you'll just end up back where you started.
So we ask for your support
in trying to do the right thing
and for your guidance
in knowing which way to go.
And I'm sorry about saying
shit and bitch. Twice.
- Amen.
- Amen.
That was very moving.
- I'd like to share something.
- Yes.
- Beth, go ahead.
- Maria.
Your words about doing
the right thing resonated for me.
And to honor that,
I feel I need to make a confession.
I was the one who tried to drown you
in the guard bathroom.
I'm sorry.
Something comes over me.
I've tried to deal
with this problem on my own,
but being in this group has taught me
that I need put it in the Lord's hands.
That was you?
Yes, but it led you here, right?
I guess the Lord works in mysterious ways.
This got nothing to do with the Lord.
You fucking tried to kill me,
you fucking bitch.
They wanted to keep me in Psych.
They made me say that I tried
to drown myself in a toilet.
I said I was sorry.
Fuck you.
Try to speak from a place of love.
You told me this was a baptism, but it was
an attempted murder by a baby killer.
- Is that how you killed them too?
- Maria!
- You drowned them in a toilet?
- Maria, please.
Nah, I get it now.
This whole thing is a joke.
Y'all like to talk about forgiveness,
believing you're better than everyone
because you talk to God
so you can sleep at night.
But you'll still be as fucked up
as the rest of us.
- But at least I can own it.
- Maria...
Shut the fuck up.
Was I wrong there?
Gladys, right? Sorry to bug you.
Was hoping to trade you for some
of them oatmeal cream pies you got.
Commissary's all out.
What are you offering?
My own little recipe.
The juice from the peach cups
makes for a smooth finish.
You must love you some cream pie.
Takes me back to my girlhood.
I've been needin' an escape
from this place.
How's about three for one?
Mmm. You weren't kidding. This is smooth.
Another life, I could've been a vintner.
Hey, quite a haul you got.
You win the numbers or something?
Shit's rigged.
My Uncle Eddie finally died.
Old pervert left everything to me.
Guess that sitting on his lap
finally paid off.
- Gotta play the long game. How'd he die?
- They said it was a heart attack,
but something tells me
there was Viagra and a belt involved.
He leave you any property?
Why? You in the market?
Oh, just making conversation.
I didn't mean to pry.
Not for nothing,
but I always felt original flavor Doritos
were the only one worth their salt.
'Cause you never had these.
These are smoked chili flavored.
Bullshit.
Bulltrue.
They've got a kick that'll put hair
on your chest if you don't already got it.
Mind throwing a bag in for me?
That hooch was good.
You didn't really think I was gonna go
for that Uncle Eddie bit, did you?
Was worth a shot.
Somebody help! She's trying to kill me!
Wait, wait. Goddamn!
You motherfucking bitch! You...
Carol and Barb? But I'm in last place!
Oh, my God. We moved Carol to Ad Seg.
And Barb hasn't had an incident in years.
Thank your beloved new commissioner.
You don't understand, Al.
I really need this money.
Tony Robbins extended his tour
with Pitbull,
and I'm never gonna get any points
with Carol and Barb.
- Why do you have that face?
- I don't have a face.
This is bullshit! Where's Chapman?
If I had to guess, I'd say she's being
dragged to SHU right now.
You better work on your dodging skills.
Actually, she's right behind you.
I didn't think
I'd be seeing you for a while.
I know you put drugs in my shoe.
And I'm not afraid of you.
You're dumber than you look.
Excuse me. I have an intramural to win.
All right, ladies.
That's enough pegging for right now.
That's what he said.
Who's he?
Let's see some sprints.
You know the drill,
so up against the wall. Let's go.
Glad to have you back.
Things were getting weird.
All right, on my mark.
Ready. Get set.
Go!
Ahhh, I'm hurt!
She ran into me. She was running too fast.
I been saying all along,
this kickball thing is way too dangerous.
Maybe we should cancel it. For safety.
She looks hurt.
I'm counting at least five points
from the neck up alone.
I'm way ahead of you.
She didn't get hurt because of kickball,
but because you were running.
That's true.
Running is not kickball-dependent.
Are you serious?
Her nose bone probably got pushed
back into her brain.
- Kickball may have killed her.
- Sorry.
The line of causality is really tough.
Keep playing. Next time,
watch where you're going.
- What do you think?
- Agreed.
No sense ruining a good thing
over one accident.
That's a lot of blood.
Should we radio the EMTs?
Yeah.
Don't worry. I just came to get my shit.
I don't wanna spend another second
in this stanky-ass, depressing place.
- Aleida.
- Yeah. I don't wanna hear another word.
You fucking white boys are all the same.
A bunch of pussies.
Put the bag down.
Hey, don't touch me. I said I'm done.
Ricky!
One second, Nana!
We do this for three months.
Get enough money for you to get your
kids back, maybe get a bigger place.
And then we're out, you understand?
Three months ain't enough time
to get shit.
It is if we fill the whole containers,
not just the bottoms.
You were right. About my life.
I've been going through the motions,
living for little highs here and there,
but mostly doing nothing.
Then I met you, and all of a sudden,
I'm excited to get up in the morning.
I actually feel like I'm fucking alive.
Like I can do shit. Like, manly shit.
I didn't know I could feel this way.
I can't go back to the way it was before.
So I guess that means I'm all in.
I'm glad you finally understand
how lucky you are to have me.
Wait. Ain't your nana gonna hear us?
She has over 70% hearing loss
in both ears.
- I'm gonna fuck the shit out of you.
- Yeah, you are.
Oh.
Sophia.
Uh...
Thank you for coming in.
This is Tania.
Tania Fernandez. Pleasure to meet you.
Tania has graciously agreed
to represent you.
Yes. I believe this case has the potential
to set an important precedent
for the men and women who are suffering...
Let me stop you right there.
I'm not going to sue.
What?
I just wanted to tell you in person.
I'm not gonna fight this.
Why not?
I met with the senior vice president
of MCC.
- Please don't say Linda Ferguson.
- Linda Ferguson.
She offered me a settlement
and I decided to take it.
Jesus Christ.
If I may interject.
From my point of view, you have
a really good chance of winning this case.
Can you promise me I'll win?
Because she just promised me $300K,
which is being transferred
to my account as we speak.
What about all the women you could help?
- What about Taystee? You owe it to her...
- I don't owe nobody shit.
The only responsibility I got
is to my wife and my son.
This money could provide for them the way
I should have been all these years.
I could send my son to college,
so he don't end up like me, here.
Don't you want your story heard?
I'm done trying to be heard.
Nobody's listening.
My time here has taught me that much.
Besides, I already signed the papers.
Barb wants to speak with you.
According to this, you get more
with a smile than with scowls and lurking.
That's news you can use.
Get up.
Nicky baby, where you been hiding, girl?
Uh, I had to rub one out.
All that adrenaline
really got me worked up.
You're too much.
Hey, listen, I wanted to apologize
for our little murder snafu earlier.
So embarrassing.
I hope you won't hold it against me.
It gave me the blue balls
for the bloodlust.
But we'll get 'em next time.
Well, I don't know about that.
Some of these ladies seem to think
that we might have a mole.
Can you believe that?
Who would do that to me?
After the way I look after my girls.
Looked to me like somebody
tipped off the ginger.
Could be your CO playing both sides.
Your sister is big
on the cloak-and-dagger maneuvers.
True.
Or it could be someone with ties
to one of the ladies in C-Block.
Maybe someone with an old friend
they're looking out for?
Ah...
You talking about me and Reznikov?
Annalisa thinks you were interested in her
right when things turned sour.
Yeah. Interested in killing her
before she killed me.
I turned her in to the feds.
Or did your crack babies
miss that when doing their due diligence.
I'm covering my bases.
I'm having a stroke then,
'cause it sounds like you're accusing me.
Take a seat with the attitude.
You're a big shot now,
'cause you're fucking the heir apparent?
Where was this gay phase
when I was at camp? I am offended.
It's all right, Diaz. I think it's been
a stressful day for everybody.
Isn't that right, Nicky?
Come here.
Look, I am sorry that I accused you, okay?
I think it's this sobriety thing
that's got me all riled up.
You don't have to tell me.
I've come four times today.
It's not even noon.
There's that
mouth of yours again.
You really crack me up,
you know that?
Look, I'll keep my nose peeled.
See what I can dig up.
Yeah, I know you will.
I'm glad we talked.
Don't be such a stranger, okay?
Barb really loves
a visit from her Nicky baby.
Well, I would love to stay and chat,
but after all this excitement,
orgasm number five awaits.
So excuse me while I attend
to unfinished clitoris.
Gentlemen.
She's lying.
Shut up! You fuckin' embarrassed me.
Next time you make sure you see
what you think you see.
Now, I need my Noxzema and my bed.
I'm getting fucking rage lines.
Son of a bitch.
Cindy?
Yo, what they got you in here for?
Cindy?
- Any word on Dwight?
- She's fine.
Broke her nose again. What's left of it.
It was mostly mush to begin with.
Thought she was a goner.
Next time,
I'll have to put my weight into it.
There is something very,
very wrong with you.
Yeah? Well, you better get used to it,
'cause we're gonna be spending
a lot of long, hard years together.
What did I ever do to you?
What's the matter, cookie?
You crumbling already?
Must be hard. I bet you're used
to getting your way out there.
But down in here,
I decide who stays and who goes.
And I got a lot of time, Chapman.
A lot of time to think.
According to
your written testimony,
you saw the defendant point a gun
at Desi Piscatella's head, correct?
Yes.
Where were you
when the CERT officers stormed the pool?
I was in the closet.
So you didn't see what happened
when they stormed the pool?
All you saw before you left the pool
was Tasha Jefferson pointing a gun
at Desi Piscatella, correct?
Ms. Hayes, is that correct?
Yes.
Inmate Denning, get up.
You're coming with me.
What? Why?
Let's go. Move it.
In.