Orange Is the New Black (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 6 - Flaming Hot Cheetos, Literally - full transcript

Boo defends Doggett, Janae consoles Soso, and Lorna comes on to Nicky. While Alex lays low in the yard, Piper decides to take a stand.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[cell door slams]

[theme song playing]

[cell door slams]

[cell door slams]

[inmates chanting] Poo! Poo! Poo! Poo!

They said poo-poo.

We should sew up her butthole
so she can't ever poo again.

That's what we should do.

But where would the poo go?

It'd fill up her lungs until
she couldn't breathe.

Are you okay, Leanne?

I really think that you
need to get that looked at.

Or at least put something over it

other than a dryer
sheet and rubber band.

I ain't going nowhere until this
bitch gets what she deserves.

[Law & Order theme playing over phone]

In America, everyone has
the right to a fair trial.

Unless you brown!

- Or poor!
- Or famous!

Or a white Christian!

[Big Boo] All right, all right.
I'm just gonna have

a quick habeas corpus, quid
pro quo with my client.

No go.

Look, 2007 Britney Spears on steroids...

you best step out of my way
so I can talk to my friend.

Hey, your friend gave
our only gun to a guard

and then he shot off my
best finger and escaped.

That hillbilly bitch needs
to burn at the stake.

Yeah, like, crispy.

Hey, how about a high four?

- [Leanne gasps]
- [chuckles]

[Angie grunts] Oh! Leanne!
Leanne, Leanne, Leanne.

[chanting] Poo! Poo! Poo! Poo!

- All right. All right.
- [chanting continues]

Come on, come on.

Come on!

What if it was you in there?

Wouldn't you want that
chance to explain yourself

before you got thrown into a shit box?

I mean, come on, let's
be better than they are.

Let's have a little due process.

[chanting] Due, due, due, due, due.

[chuckles] She said doo-doo.

- You got five minutes.
- Okay.

- [chuckles]
- [scoffs]

[Pennsatucky sighs] Hi.


Okay, okay.

- Careful of the suit. Yeah.
- Huh? Oh.

- What the hell were you thinking?
- You mad at me?

- Oh, definitely.
- Are they gonna murder me?


- What we gonna do?
- [grunts]

- We're gonna give 'em a show. Okay?
- Okay.

First, you need to look remorseful.

- You know, sorry for what you've done.
- Oh, be upset.

Oh, yeah, I can do that.

- Yeah?
- I can do that really easy.

I have a lot of practice from
my shopliftin' days with Mama.

- Mmm-hmm.
- "Show Mama your sad face."

Now, tell the nice man you didn't
mean to put the shampoo bottles

"down your underpants." Yeah.

Mama and I, we could work a
Save-A-Lot like no one's business.

One time, Boo,

I got away with stealing eight packs
of chicken wings in my overalls.

But then I got caught with Cheez-Its.

'Cause square boxes, you
know, they're just...

- They're harder, right?
- Yeah, of course.

And sad face wasn't workin' that day
because the manager was, like, a queer.

And he hated kids...

but Mama got off promisin' him
somethin' called a popper?

- Oh, yeah, I know what poppers are. Yeah.
- Yeah?

- So, anyway, watch. Watch, watch.
- Hmm.

[mimics crying]

That's actually remarkable.

Let's show the ladies, shall we?

That's it.

- Aw, you poor thing.
- [Pennsatucky] I didn't mean to, Mama.

- [inmate] Oh, come on.
- [Big Boo] That's right.

- I'm sorry, Mama.
- That's right, I know.

[indistinct radio chatter]

I don't need a medal, but a
little recognition would be nice.

I mean, the bringer of light should at
least get a Twinkie out of it, right?

You know, I told that whole room,
"Hey, guess who fixed the power?"


It's a tough fucking crowd.

Got any family out there?

Yeah, me neither.

[Maritza] Hey, guys. So...

it took me one whole
minute to look this cute.

It only took me 30 seconds
to get so pretty for you.


What? I'm two years younger than you.

My mom always said shit
starts to fall at, like, 29.

How come no one ever
told me this before?

I don't know. Maybe they
were protecting you.

But it's good that you know now.

Get on the defensive.

I stick my face in ice every day.
Like meat in the freezer.

It makes that shit last
a whole lot longer.

Okay, shut off the fucking camera. Now.


- [truck beeping]
- [delivery boy] Hey. All right, that's it.

[Coates] Look, I don't
know anything, okay?

I didn't see anything.

Can I go home now? I wanna go home.

Just stack them in the entryway, please.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

I'm carrying out orders from
Governor Hutchinson. And you?

I'm in charge of this place
and you're in my fucking way.

Is that how you always speak with women?

No wonder they're rioting.

Explain to me how the governor's
plan to de-escalate the situation

includes rewarding the inmates with...
[inhales deeply]

whatever the hell is in those boxes.

In the future, you should
ask instead of demand.

The CERT team cannot guarantee ingress
into the prison without casualties.

Governor Hutchinson cares
about the lives in there,

unlike other people involved.

That's you. I'm talking about you.

The rest of us are taking
the necessary steps

to resolve this situation peacefully.
Thank you.

Uh, yeah, just keep going over there.

What the hell?

Your shit's falling, right?
How old are you?

Did any of you children
think to tell somebody

that a stack of boxes just appeared
outside while you were on duty?

[Flaca] Mmm-mmm.


[Maritza] Oh, my God.
Take a picture of her.

Hey. Yeah, we got a
situation in the front.

So 30?

- Thirty-five?
- [chuckles]

Yo, we shouldn't be asking
her shit like that.

Black skin doesn't follow
the rules, you know?

Please whisper better.

[Janae] Oh, shit, we got a delivery?

- [Black Cindy beatboxing]
- Whoa!

[rapping] ♪ Buh, buh
FedEx, UPS, Amazon Prime ♪

♪ Bring us what we need
'Cause it's about time ♪

Yeah, don't ever do that again. Ever.

Was that Kanye?

[pounding on door]

- Yo.
- Do we answer?

- [Flaca] I like her ensemble.
- [Maritza] Yeah.

Not too in-your-riot-face,
but some flair.

I'm doin' it.

[Taystee] Psst, psst.


Hello? How may I help you?

Hi, there. Nita?

We spoke on the phone, I think?
Was that you?


I have a delivery from
Governor Hutchinson.

Oh. Well... thank you.

Thank you very much.

We'll be in touch. Here is my cell.

Let's keep the lines of
communication open, okay?

Okay. Enjoy.

[softly] What the fuck?

[Black Cindy] Hey, man, get the...
Oh, shit!


Thanks for the help, guys.
Really appreciate it.

Some of us are smart enough not
to go near a unmarked box.

I mean, that could be anything.
It could be a bomb. Anthrax.

- Itty-bitty soldiers.
- [clicks tongue]

[Black Cindy] Fuck it.
[laughs] One for you...

- Cheetos! [squeals]
- [all cheer]

- [Flaca] Takis!
- Tampons?

Hot Cheetos, Takis, and tampons

just don't have the same
ring to it, you know?

Yo, yo, yo...

they're meeting our demands.

Told you, man! You did it.


Don't need nobody to speak for us.
Fuck yeah!

[Black Cindy] You a hero, man.

Girl, that's a mistake.

Don't you know you always
got to pay for the flipper?

You really think...

Kandy with a "K" is gonna
win Ultimate Grand Supreme

with her own God-given teeth? Hell, no!

- Can we watch 106 & Park now?
- [Dante] Sure can.

You didn't ask for permission.

I ain't be needing your
permission or nobody.

Well, Ms. Tendler says otherwise,
'fore she knock the black off of you.

- You sound like a old lady.
- [grunts]

Man, I am a old lady, as of today.

And it's my TV time. I asked. So...

Nobody else likes the shit you watch.
It ain't fair.

[Ms. Tendler] What the
hell are y'all doing?

Dante, no TV for the next week.

Fucking bullshit! I hate it here.

Don't like you much neither.

Taystee, my office.

- Time to go, old lady.
- Shut up.

[Jamaris chuckles]

[Ms. Tendler sighs] Come on in.

Have a seat.

[Taystee] Ain't gotta sit, 'cause
I already know, Ms. Tendler.

Now that I'm 18, I gotta start
figuring out where I'm gonna live at.

Now, I know I only got a
year to figure it out,

but... I got a job and
I got some friends.

So, I think I'll be all right.


Sit down, Taystee.

[Taystee sighs]

Happy birthday.

[chuckling] You got me a card?

No. Your birth mother reached out,

but we couldn't tell you
till you turned 18.

Contact information's in the envelope.

[sighs] And don't go blamin' me.
I don't make the laws.

These white men do. Blame them.

She's in here?

Something like that.

[Gerber grunts]

Morning, sleepyhead.

[gasps] What the fuck!

Don't worry. It's just a little drool.

What'd you get into last night? Is
that some sort of new drug thing?

[Tom] Bayley.

- You're out of here.
- [Gerber] No.

No, no, no, no. [stutters]
That's a mistake.

You can't let me go. I'm a
danger to society, sir.

Be that as it may, we can't keep you.

No charges have been filed.
Let... let's go.

Frank, Janie called.

She'll be over to get you after
she drops the kids at soccer.

Thanks, Tom.

Ah, don't despair, little buddy.

This is why God invented booze
and the drunk tank, hmm?

You need to slip from your troubles,

make a little ruckus, and you
spend the night in here.


But everything's gonna be fine.

Bayley, come on.

[indistinct chatter]

No Takis for you?

Leave me alone.

Hard to do that... seeing
as how you're in my bunk.

It's her bed. It's mine.
Go fuck yourself.


Why aren't you saying anything?


I'm good.


Some black power silent treatment
bullshit or something?

More like...

I don't got energy to waste.

I got my own sad.

She used to sleep here, man.

Right there.

Across from me.

Sometimes she'd do this
thing, where she'd...

bounce her leg while she
was tryin' to fall asleep.

The whole fucking bed would creak.

It drove me crazy. I
would wanna punch her.

[Janae sniffles]

Now I can't fall asleep...

'cause I lie here...

waiting for the squeak.

I didn't know that.

I never got to sleep next to her.

That's the thing.

I'm not sad. I'm angry.

I hate everyone.

Anyone... laughing or smiling or...

being alive is fucking offensive to me
and they should all just fucking die.

And eventually, I'm just
gonna burn up from rage

and then I'll just be dust.

And I don't know how to make it stop.

I do.

Come on! You are coming with me.

[Margarita] I got the baby.

So? We'll drop it off at your cousin's.

She owes me for the acrylics, anyway.

How do I look?

Wow, pero, you look like...

Diane Sawyer.

Come on. Let's rock this mother.

[inmates exclaiming]

[inmate] Ahh! Gotcha! [chuckles]

So, suddenly everybody think they
on Orchard Beach or some shit?

I was thinking more Miami, but
thank you for ruining the fantasy.

Right before Drake was
gonna come over, too.

Oh, shit, you think Pitbull
might be coming, too?

[Dayanara] Nah, girl.

Maybe Fat Joe, if you're lucky.

It's like Pitbull super-sized.

What the hell are you doing out here?

I was jealous. Wanted a tan. [grunts]


Don't you be trying to bring any
of that crap from inside out here.

Out here, we're trying
to relax and shit.

Like you're really relaxing
in the middle of all this

after what went down?

It's more like I'm just tryin'
not to make shit worse.

Yeah, I hear that.

You seriously trying to sit out now?


I think so.

You know, I'm trying to get back
home to my baby girl one day,

and this might be the only way

to avoid all the fucked up
shit that keeps finding me.

It's like... It's like I'm
a fucked-up-shit magnet.

It ain't you. Prison's the magnet.

You think so?

I hope so.

I gotta believe things'll
be better on the outside.

To laying low.

To Drake's fine ass.

- I'll drink to that. [chuckles]
- Mmm.

Look at Neri! She's showing.

- You're texting with Cal?
- What else am I gonna do?

It's not like I'm busy with
any important riot duties.

Oh, my God. Sitting this out
must be so hard for you.

You gonna spontaneously combust if
you're not in charge of something soon?

Whatever you say, my great leader.

I am only here to serve
you, my great leader.

Well, that's kinda hot.

[both chuckle]

What can I tell you?

Yeah, you can keep crying about Hugo...
or you can make another decision.

It's hard to lose a pet, eh.

Especially when he gets
blown up by your ex-husband

during a botched attempt
to murder your neighbor.

I mean, it's a tale as old as time.

Someone, who was definitely
not my meditation instructor

at rehab number seven in Sedona,

once told me that
depression is holding on...

and sadness is, uh... letting go.

I think it's time for
you to let go of Hugo.

You're right. You're absolutely right.

I have to let go.

What're you doing?

- Thank you.
- All right.

Whoa! Boundaries, right?
So, there you go.

Let's keep it professional.


- Hi.
- Hi.

My name's Lorna Morello Muccio.

Is that German?

No, I'm Italian. [laughs]

Yeah. [chuckles] I know you're Italian.

Your name may as well be Lorna Lasagna.

Anyway, miss...

continue. [sighs]

I've been having these dreams.

Go on.

[stammers] Well, they're
kinda like sexy dreams?

[stammers] Do these dreams, uh...

involve penises?

Because that is going to drastically
reduce my interest in the subject matter.

No penises.

- Well, not exactly.
- [sighs]

It's a little embarrassing, honestly.
[chuckles nervously]

Um, I'm riding a whale...

- in the ocean.
- [both chuckle]

And the water, on my skin,
it feels so amazing.

[breathing heavily] And, you know,
they have those... those blow holes...

- Hey. Come on.
- ...and it's aimed right...

Hey, hey.

I think we're out of time.

[whispers] Please fuck me.

What about Vinnie?

I really need your help.

I'm so fucking horny,
and I can't stand it.

And I need you to fuck me.

- You're begging me?
- I'm begging you.

- You're begging me?
- Yeah.

- You know I'm a doctor, right?
- Yeah. [heavy breathing]

- You serious?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'm really serious.

Look after your patient.

Your tits feel amazing.

Oh, my God. I missed you so much.

[both breathing heavily]

[Lorna moans]

What happens in a riot, stays in a riot?



Hand me that jug of oil, would you?

You ain't greasing up like the rest
of those beach bums outside, are you?

[chuckles] I haven't
had a tan since '62.

[sighs] We're not gonna
last long at this rate.

The human body can sustain itself
for up to three weeks without food.

Myself, I've gone as long as eight days.

Ran into some unexpected weather
in Virginia on the trail.

You start hallucinating eventually...

but that could be fun,
if you do it right.

[chuckles] Shit!

That sounds like the kind of
vacation I need right about now.

Get out my head.

Can I do that without the
starving and being outdoors?

You find the dope that's right for you.


♪ Hot Cheetos and Takis
Hot Cheetos and Takis ♪

♪ I can't get enough of these
Hot Cheetos and Takis ♪

♪ Snack, snack Snack, crunch ♪

♪ Snack, snack Snack, munch ♪

- Christ on a cracker.
- [Red] Have you seen this video?

"Hot Cheetos & Takis"? It's wonderful.

Children are so motivated these days.

These snacks are delicious.
Spicy. Cheesy. Crunchy.

Great. Even the adults
have lost their minds.

The President of the
United States sent them.

They're meeting our demands.

We won! America is great.

Shit. All this craziness is
actually getting us somewhere?

Which means life in here will
soon return to status quo.

- Hallelujah.
- Therefore, we have limited time

to drug Piscatella, drag him inside,

and force the signed
confession out of him.

Oh, boy.

What do you think? What
should our plan be?

What strong-but-not-so-strong-will-kill-him-poison
should we use?

Oh, I could google it!

♪ Snack, snack Snack, crunch ♪

- [Red] Oh, shit.
- Qué?

- We're out of Takis.
- Oh. We gotta go.

Sometimes, you gotta let it
be someone else's problem.

- [Taystee chomps]
- I mean, I'm just saying, though.

You'd think by now some company would
want to capitalize on my fame.

I been in a national magazine and
I'm a popular coffee-oriented meme.

Like, where you at, Starbucks?

There she go.

- We lost her to the fame monster.
- [Taystee chuckles]

- [phone ringing]
- Shit!

[Black Cindy clears throat]

Riot headquarters.

How can you make our prison
dreams come true today?

This is Nita, from Governor
Hutchinson's office.

Oh, hey, Nita! Girl, what up?
[clears throat]

Them snacks you dropped off,
though, were delightful.

[scoffs] Truly. We delighted.

- I...
- I'm so glad.

Hi, Nita. I'm sorry about that.
Yes. This is Taystee.

[whispers] Put her on speaker.
Put her on speaker!

Taystee. It was nice to
meet you in person today.

- Oh, shit! She bein' all polite.
- [chuckles]

- It sure was.
- [chuckles]

- [both mimicking] "It sure was."
- [mouths]

I'm so glad that you're enjoying
the snacks and the tampons.

I'm calling to discuss the
release of the hostages.

How would you and your
team like to handle?

What the fuck she say?

[stutters] I'm sorry. I
think I misheard you.

Oh, I'm sorry. Maybe it's my reception.

I said I'm calling to discuss
the release of the hostages.

Yes, but what about the
rest of our demands?

The governor is fully prepared to
do everything he can to meet them,

but we delivered supplies
as an act of good faith,

and now we'll need the same from
you and the inmates in return.

Yeah, see, I don't see how some
snacks equals our hostages.

Miss Jefferson, please don't make the
mistake of thinking we're the enemy.

Everyone wants this to end peacefully.

But we need your help.

If you surrender the hostages, we will
do our best to meet your demands.

[scoffs] Do you think I'm not smart?

You think I don't hear those trick
words, "Do our best," Miss, uh...

- Reddy.
- Well, my best friend is gone, Miss Reddy.

So, "Do our best" ain't
good enough no more.

"Do our best."

What my defense lawyer told me.

Man, you'd think they'd come up
with some better shit by now.

So, where does this leave us?

Right where it dropped us off.




You look just like...

It's nice to meet you, Miss Jefferson.

Mia, please.

- [sighs] You wanna sit?
- Oh.

[Mia] Yeah. Thanks.

Thank you for meeting me.

Why didn't you want me?


It's Taystee now.

I was 15.

I didn't have nothing.

No place to live. No parents.

Just a boyfriend and a tiny room in
his nasty aunt's apartment, then...

Then I got pregnant.

She told us she'd kick us
both out if we kept it...



I sound like one of them bad TV
movies on the white lady channel.

- Lifetime.
- What?

Channel where all those
white ladies be cryin'.

It's Lifetime.

Ain't that also where them crazy parents
be dressing up their kids like the...

the dolls you put on top
of the toilet paper?

Yeah. [chuckles] Toddlers and Tiaras.

- Yeah. [chuckles]
- That's my favorite!

[both laughing]

I spent so many hours thinkin'
about what you'd look like...

who you grew to be and...

what makes you laugh.

And you, here...

are better than I ever dreamed.

Thank you for giving me a chance.

Thank you for finding me.

[Timaya] Mommy!

Baby, what are you doin' here?

Hey, baby. We headed to the church.

Hopin' to get baby girl
some new shoes at the sale.

- [Mia] Oh...
- [Owen] Who's your friend?

This is Taystee.

Um, you remember Robin?

She used to live over on Troy?
This is her girl.

Oh. Right. Hey, Taystee.

Daddy, let's go!

All right, baby. I'll see you at home.

[Timaya] Bye, Mommy! Bye, other lady!

They don't know about me.

They will. I promise.

It's just, I wasn't...

You know, nobody teaches you
how to be doin' these things.

And I wanted to meet you first.
And reconnect.

I'll do right, okay?

I want you to be family.

[indistinct chatter and laughter]

Chubby dude, you can
cross-examine the witness.

Ladies and gentlemen, a tap dance.

Miss Rice.

Earlier, you stated that your favorite
television show is Saved by the Bell.

- Is this correct?
- Objectification!


Nope. Sit down. Answer
the man's question.

That's correct. Saved by the Bell.

Mmm-hmm. And, uh, what would you
say is your favorite episode?

Uh, that's easy. Um, the one where
Jessie gets addicted to caffeine pills.

'Cause it's real relatable. [chuckles]

[chuckling] Yes, it's a classic.

Yes. See, Jessie could not handle

the pressure of midterms
and her singing group...

could she?

Except, I didn't like how
they were, like, you know,

"Drugs are bad. Blah blah blah."

Because I just don't think that that's
a good message to be sending to kids.

[Big Boo] Hmm.

And what do you think
of, say, "Boss Lady"?

You know,

the one where the whole gang is
working at the Malibu Sands.

Stacey has to be the boss
and nothing goes wrong.

- Oh, yeah, that one.
- [chuckling]

It's funny. So uncomplicated.

[Big Boo] Hmm.

Miss Rice.

Would you say that if
something is your favorite,

you will have seen every episode?

- Of course.
- [chuckles]

I'm glad we agree on that.

Because I don't know about the rest of
the ladies and gentlemen in the court,

but if I say something is my favorite,

you better be damn sure that I have
seen every episode multiple times.

And I know that show like
the back of my hand. Mmm?

Therefore, you will forgive my confusion

as to why you have not seen
episode ten, season three,

where, despite the delightful ending,

which involves the entire gang
coming together to help Stacey,

everything goes wrong!

[inmates chatter]

Who is Stacey?

I submit... the witness is a liar.

She is not credible.

And I have no further questions!

- [inmates cheering]
- Wait a minute!

- Wait a minute!
- [applause]

That ain't got nothing
to do with anything!

We still saw her give Donuts the gun.

Yes! She is guilty!

Even if Lisa Turtle is my favorite!

- That's crazy. Come on.
- She is a liar.

No one likes Lisa Turtle best.

- Poo! Poo! Poo!
- [overlapping chatter]

- Order in the court! Order in the court!
- This is ridiculous!

There's got to be a better way.


[Aleida] Holy fuck,
am I gonna be famous.

[Margarita] Okay, this
shit is fucking bananas.

Aleida? Hi. April. We
spoke on the phone.

Let's get you inside. And
we'll get you into makeup.

You hear that shit?
"Get you into makeup."

Hey, Ape, let me ask you a question.

I get paid for this shit, right?

You think you could give me
that grand in cash, up-front?

[chuckles] What? Did someone tell
you you were gonna get paid?

We can't pay our guests. It's against...

- I'm just fucking with you, Ape. [laughs]
- Okay.

We're really going to need to get
those "fucks" out of your system

before we go live.

You would not believe the
cost of an electrical rewire.

Totally astronomical.

So, it's like, uh, do we try
to do the work ourselves?

- You know, I bought a book.
- You're not an electrician.

Okay, I could try.

And what happens when the whole
house goes up in flames,

we're left with nothing, or, God forbid,

you get a shock and cook
yourself from the inside out...

Stop. Stop. You're gonna
stress out the muffin.

- [blows and whispers] You're right.
- Babe...

- [Bell exhales]
- So, what you been up to, man?

Wanting to die, mostly.

Oh, careful there.

Your mom can't hear you usin'
the D word, understand?

Don't want you bouncin'
around a rubber room.

[stutters] Yeah, that's a
rough break you got, man.

But, you know, uh...

it's gonna be fine.

Why does everyone keep
saying that to me?

[stammering] That things
are gonna be fine?

How does that work, exactly?

Is there a, uh...

a magic wand or some type of special
God who loves homicidal white guys?

It's not gonna be fine.

The whole point of life is waiting
to see what comes next, but...

I already know exactly
how mine's gonna go.

So what's the point?

I should die.

- Run?
- Mmm-hmm. Run.

As fast as you can, until you feel
like your lungs is about to collapse.

Until you can't think about nothing
but how tired your legs are.

I think I'm still drunk.

[clicks tongue] You won't be after this.

- Come on.
- [groans]

Hey! We gonna need your snacks.

- [scoffs]
- Oh, you see how you just say, "yours"?

As in, belonging to us?

It's important.

You're, like, what, the snack police?

Yo, they were a bribe.

Mr. Fancy-Pants Governor thought he
would trick us into surrendering

- with snacks and tampons.
- Mmm-hmm.

They trying to plug all our holes.

So you're throwing them away?
[stammers] That's a great plan.

We gotta show 'em we serious.

- That's badass.
- No, it's stupid.

Yeah. Don't... don't
we want this to end?

- We want justice.
- Well, you want justice.

We want to go home to our
families at some point.

Well, some of us ain't
got a home outside.

This is my home, and I'm
gonna fight for it.

Do you think that they would be
doing this to us if we were men?

This is so insulting.

- Exactly.
- Here we go.

- [Piper] What?
- There she goes.

I'm done sitting out
there and sunbathing.

I mean, we've all done the hard part.

That's what I'm saying. All
we gotta do is wait 'em out.

We owe this to ourselves.

That's right. [chuckles]

[Piper grunts]

How can I help?

You can collect.

But people ain't gonna like you.

Story of my life.

- [Taystee] Gimme these goddamn...
- Yo! I just opened that shit, man!

We need all y'all motherfucking Cheetos.
Give 'em up.





- [man] Sixty seconds.
- Almost finished?

[Aleida] Well, if what's-her-face

stopped using words like,
"subtle" and "dewy,"

we could've finished yesterday.

- [sighs]
- You look gorgeous.

Thank you.

All right. Good luck! Make
your answers real long.

You'll sound smarter that way.

And turn your right side to the camera.
That's your pretty side.

And use the news guy's name a lot.

Ooh, ooh! And always answer a
question with another question.

- Ooh.
- [man] Fifteen seconds.

[sighs] Look, do me a favor
and don't get me fired, okay?

Fired? I'm gonna get
your ass a promotion.

[sighs] Aleida, this is Susan.
She'll be interviewing you today.

- [man] Air in five, four, three, two...
- Hello.


Welcome back to New York Metro,
where we're continuing to track

the developing situation at
Litchfield Federal Prison.

Joining us today is Aleida Diaz,
a former inmate at Litchfield.

Miss Diaz, I understand you
were very recently released.

Was I recently released?

[Susan] I'm not sure what you mean.

Exactly, Susie-Q. [chuckles]

It's Susan.

Have you had any contact with anyone at
Litchfield since this situation arose?

Do you... do you still
have friends inside?

Yeah. I... And I talked to them.

Are they okay?

Well, it's hard to get answers
from those bitches, you know?

- Oh. Sorry. Can I say "bitches"?
- You can. [chuckles]

- Well, shit.
- Oh, you can't say that.

What kind of fucking
bullshit rule is that?


What do you think she's
doing, right now?

Probably sitting on her veranda,

being served some kind
of garden fresh salad

with walnuts and goat cheese.

Maybe it's accompanied by some
sort of tropical iced green tea.

Goat cheese.

That's so Judy.

She probably knows the
goat it came from.

You think she liked us?


Before we kidnapped her and
nailed her to a cross.


Hand over all your
Cheetos and Takis. Now.

Ooh, Chapman coming in hot!

We didn't get any.

Let's go. Hand 'em over.

We have no idea what
you're talking about.

- You are a liar.
- [Black Cindy] Mmm-hmm.

Anyone ever tell you about the
catching bees with honey thing?

- It's important to draw a hard line.
- The line was, like, 100 feet back.

- Check her fingers.
- [scoffs] Perfect.

'Cause you know what was on my
agenda today? Molest an old lady.


I'll do it.

Let me see your fingers.

Let me see your... Let
me see your finger.

- Let me see your fingers.
- [Anita grunts]

- [Black Cindy sighs]
- See?

Holy shit. Nancy Drew
done uncovered a suspect.

- Let's search 'em.
- Now, hold on a second.

You don't have the right to go
through our things like that. But...

- [Piper] Gotcha.
- So much for respecting your elders!

[Black Cindy] Yeah.



- You gonna miss me?
- Nah.

You just jealous 'cause I
got a family and you don't.

Family ain't got nothing to do with it.

You think these people gonna like you?

They sitting at home, having
themselves a nice little life,

and then some hood rat gonna move in
and shit's gonna be like the Cosbys?

[chuckles] Girl, you trippin'.


I hope one day you find
your family, same as me.

I told y'all! [laughing]



Don't mind them.


Yo, where should I put this?
In the back?

[stutters] Taystee...

I'm so sorry.

You... you can't come live with us.


Why? Ms. Tendler said that you...

[stutters] I'm...

I don't think she understood
what I was trying to tell her.

Why can't I come?

It's just not a good time for us.


- Right.
- Uh, look.

I want you to take this.

It's not much, but I want to help you.

Did you tell them... about me?

- [cries]
- [grunts]

- [crying]
- Guess this is you doin' right, huh?

What's right for you!

- Maybe I need to start doin' that, too.
- Please, Taystee, wait!


All right. Now I have a question.

How many of y'all took the stands at
your all's trials? Raise your hand.

Wow! Ain't that some bull?
Well, neither did I.

'Cause my lawyer told me that
I was a detriment to myself.

[chuckles] Now, at the time,
I didn't take offense,

because I was rather
high most of the time.

And you know my brain wires
weren't firing correctly,

if you know what I mean.

But today, I'm standing here, right, and
I'm looking around at all of y'all.

And I'm thinking... we can do better.

Know what? Fuck that. We
have to do better than this.

But you know what? It
really needs to be fair.

Without all the goobly-goop of lawyers
and judges and the system and stuff.

- Hmm.
- [Pennsatucky] Right?

So, listen...

I helped Donuts escape.

- [all sigh]
- [Big Boo] What? Oh, Jesus!

Oh, please.

I strongly suggest you
shut the fuck up, girl.

No. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

Listen, my friend here, she's worried
that I'm gonna say too much.

But all I can say is the truth.

And the truth is

- I helped the guard escape.
- Oh, fuck.

And, yeah, we had a relationship
that was difficult to define.

It was even confusing at times.

But... let me ask y'all.

What would y'all have done
if you would've found him?

- Cut off his balls.
- Murdered him.

Poo! Poo!

Realistically, we would have
roughed him up a little, you know.

Just poked some shit up his ass,

and then we would've stuck him in
the bubble with the rest of them.

What's the point? And then what?

So you'd have another hostage. Whee!

And then, another strike on your record.

You know what you'd be doing, actually?

You'd be staring down
the barrel of forever

is what you'd be doing up in here.

This is bullshit!

She's not thinking about us. She
was protecting her boyfriend.

No, it's not true. Come on. Hey!

Listen, all I can do is stand up here
and tell you how I feel, all right?

I'm a person. I'm talking to people.


I'm just gonna leave you all to it.
How about that?

And if y'all think that I deserve

to be thrown up in the poo-poo
or whatever, then fine.

That makes you no better than them.

You know, that's really
sad, because they suck.

We had the chance to rule hard up
in here. Y'all don't wanna rule?

All right.

Hey. Uh...

- I thought I'd tell you something.
- Uh-huh.


Ah! Let me guess.

Uh, you regret that your clit was
vibrating on my tongue 45 minutes ago,

we can never do this again.

Uh, you made a vow,

you need to commit to Vinnie,
something like that?

- Right? I mean, I get it.
- [sighs]

I memorized it.

You can save it. [chuckles]


I'm pregnant.

[smacks lips]

- That is a twist I was not expecting.
- [laughs]

I realized when... when we was...

I was looking down at
you, and then I saw,

"Oh! Oh, my nipples are, like,

two, three shades darker
than they normally are."

And, that's, like, a thing
for the Morello women

when we've got the bun in the oven.

[Lorna chuckles]

That's great. Uh...

- Did you take a pregnancy test?
- Nope. No.

No, I don't need a test. I... I know.

And that is why I've been so horny.


[laughs] Oh, fuck!

Why are you laughing? No. No, no, no.
I'm... I'm...

This is not funny. I'm serious.

Oh, yes. I know you're serious.
I know, baby.

And that is the problem. Because
you are also bat-shit crazy.


I didn't mean to lead you on, honey.

It's the hormones.

The hormones, they made
me do it with you.

I love you so much, Lorna.

But, you know...

you can't just, like, uh, keep
doing whatever the fuck you want

and then thinking it's gonna be okay.

[stutters] And the days of this, uh...

crazy being quirky and cute...

it's past. It's sad, you know?

I mean, you need help,
and I can't help you,

'cause I need to help myself.

Or maybe, uh, what if you go see
the prison therapist, right?

See what she has to say about it.

I'm pretty sure she's gonna tell me...

[stammering] She's gonna
call me a dumbass

sucker crazy person for
letting myself do this again.

And then tell me

to never, ever, ever
do this again, right?

And this time, I'm
gonna listen to her...

'cause she's the expert, right?


It's too late. [sniffles]

I drank, like, eight bottles, okay.

I'm sorry for being such a fuckup.

[sniffles] I love you guys so much.

Dye is nontoxic.


I mean, you'll probably have
bad squirts for a couple days.

And I have some of those wet nappies
in the bathroom, if you need them.

[sighs] Oh, man.

I can't even kill myself right.

Honey, your dad and me...

we think you need some real help.

You think so? [sighs]

Yeah! I do. Of course I fucking do!

All right, I got myself arrested.

I have been begging to die.

And all you guys want to say is,

"Things will be fine,"
and, "Life's complicated."


Make sure they lock me up
somewhere for a very long time.


This is the spot?

What the hell is going on here?

Beats us.

Well, don't dawdle out there.
Come in, come in.

You did this all yourself?

Sure did.

Wow. So you're like one
of those mole people

that they do special news reports
and horror movies about?

Yeah, we prefer "survivalist."

Don't insult the woman.

This is, uh, really great, Frieda.

Thanks for showing us.

But I probably should be getting
back upstairs and, uh...

No. We're gonna stay here.

All of us.

I guess this is how it ends.

Well, this is your chance to retire
from all that nonsense out there.

Ain't you tired of
dealing with numbskulls?

Fighting for food?

Trying to find a minute of quiet
without someone squawking in your ear?

Don't you feel taken for granted?

I got enough supplies
down here for all of us.

It's, maybe, a little cramped?


"Thank you, Frieda."

"Gee, this is awful
nice of you, Frieda."

Come on. You don't need to be scared.

I bet that's what they tell the cows

right before they send
them down the chute.

This could work.

This is amazing, Frieda!

I got dibs on shuffleboard.

Does this thing have Frogger?


Watch out for the cords there.

[indistinct chatter]

What the hell were you thinking?

Aren't you tired of
asking me that question?

'Cause I sure as shit am
tired of answering it.

Yeah. Well, they're gonna crucify you.

- So? It'll only take a few hours.
- What?

What? This... this is
all gonna be over soon.

Okay, let 'em throw me in the Poo.

It's all gonna go back to
the way it was, anyhow.

None of this is for long.

You know, you really freak
me out when you're smart.

Yeah, well, you and me, both, okay?

[chuckles] I just thank Jesus that
my brain wires are connecting today.

- [clears throat]
- Oh.

We have our verdict.

We discussed your case...

came up with something
that's almost unanimous.

[Leanne scoffs]

So, Tiffany Doggett...

for crimes against our
community, we assign you...

- community service.
- Yes.

Next step is we'll sit down,
talk about your skills,

and figure out how you can best
contribute to your community.

We'll just be people, talking.

- Like you said.
- Bullshit.

We don't all agree, but so long as
we're all in here doing this thing,

we think that our justice system
should focus on rehabilitation. Yeah?

One crime should not define a person.

Thank you. Yeah. I'm gonna
make you guys so proud.

- You'll see.
- [chuckles]

Poo! Poo! Poo!

Does she have a reset button?

It's like watching the
most predictable movie.

At least I'm doing something.

Plus, I'm probably gonna get
pretty toned in the process.

Goodbye, honey! Have a good day at work!
You're a ridiculous human!

Man, these bitches are
fucking us over so hard.

I know, right? What am I gonna do when
I have a snack attack or my period?

I can respect the moral code, but
being that blindly committed...

that's when shit gets dangerous.

[man over PA] Okay, 10 minutes.

[Kristen] India was my favorite section

because it kind of reminded me
of being in here, you know,

being forced to deprive
yourself and stuff.

Yeah. No, it was like Weight Watchers,

but with, like, more cows
and less point counting.

Prison's like free Weight Watchers.
I've lost, like, at least five pounds.

[Ashley] Like I haven't noticed.
Those khakis are falling off of you.

[Kristen] Thank you.

- [Ashley] But now I'm hungry.
- [chuckles] Oh, my God, I'm starving.

- Commissary ice cream?
- Fuck to the yes.

[man over PA] Be all
notified of gate time.

[Poussey] "Amanda, I will not
stop until my ass is so small"

it disappears entirely.

[gasps] You heard about this new diet
where you eat cookies and ice cream,

and you still lose weight?

"Ooh! It's called bulimia."

- [chuckles]
- "And, oh!"

I love it so much. It's a miracle."

"Oh, Mackenzie, I have always
been jealous of your willpower."

I'm like a house ever since Mark

invested in that new modern
American bistro up the street.

You would die for their artisanal sodas.

"Peach, lavender, rose petal.
Yes, please!"

'Sup, Amanda?


- When'd you get in?
- [sighs] Yesterday.

Well, you've got good taste in
books, so you're all right with me.

- Taystee.
- Poussey.

[chuckles] Your mama did
not name you Pussy.

Yo. For real?

I mean, you all new and talking
shit with a name like Taystee?

That's fair. My bad. [chuckles]

Look, you let me know if you
need anything in here, okay?

Okay. I will. Thanks.

And, um, you can take Alice for now.

'Cause she's good at
keepin' folks company.

She's my favorite.

So I'm gonna need that
shit back eventually.



- [both snap fingers]
- Welcome to prison. [chuckles]


[officer] Right, hold on.
They're coming back.

- [Taystee] Get this on tape, huh!
- Y'all wanna bribe?

[Taystee] Get this on tape!

[Black Cindy] Anybody want some chips?

I think that's all of 'em.

Only minus the snacks in bellies.

And tampons in vaginas.

- Okay. We're good to go.
- [door opens]

[panting] Yo, what the hell!

We burning the bribe.

Oh, fuck, yeah. Yo, that's
what I'm talking about, T.


Call her.

Hi, Nita. Welcome to the party.

What are you doing?

Flaming Cheetos, y'all!

Hey, T, tell this woman what we want.

We want to be motherfuckin'
taken serious!

- Hell, yeah!
- That's right!

Bye, Nita!

Bye, girl! Bye!

- [officer] All right. Back up. Back up!
- [all exclaim]

Whoa! Shit!

Burn, bitch, burn!

Fuck you, Piscatella! Yeah!

What you got to say now?

[rock song playing]