Orange Is the New Black (2013–…): Season 5, Episode 4 - Litchfield's Got Talent - full transcript

Red and Blanca dig for dirt on Piscatella. Suzanne conducts a séance. The guards show off their talents for "Litchfield Idol" judges Leanne and Angie.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[cell door slams]

[theme song playing]

[cell door slams]

[cell door slams]

[indistinct chatter]

Dude. Focus.

An ambush requires focus.

[whispers] Dixon, Dixon.
Go for the small one.

Butchy's got a neck
like a telephone pole.

I'm ready.

Abort. Abort.

- Abort, abort, abort.
- What? What the... What are you...

Here you go, piggies. Some slop for you.

Gotta fatten you up for
the slaughter. Kidding.

That crap will go right through ya.

You'll all die thin.

[softly] Cutlery.

Bon appétit.

What the fuck? I had her!

- You fucking pussy.
- It wasn't the right time.

There were too many of them.


[McCullough] Oh, my God.

- We're never getting out of here.
- [sighs]

- Spork?
- [all sighing]

[sighs and mutters]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey! I was gonna do
that anyway, so, thanks!

[sighs] [in Hawaiian]
Filthy fucking cunts.

[Zirconia laughing]

[in English] Look-it. Big boy
and the Warden goin' at it.

[inmates chuckle]

That'll be a good name for
one of them buddy movies.

Big Boy and the Warden.

Ew. You think those two are...

[smacks lips] I said buddy
movie, not butt-buddy movie.

Although Chris Tucker was so far up

- Jackie Chan's ass in Rush Hour.
- [chuckles]

I seen the porn version of that one time
called Gush Hour. It was nasty.

What was nasty?

- This movie with a lot of wet...
- Daya, maybe it's, uh, time to rest?

Yeah, I just gotta get
my gun back from Pidge.

What? Oh.

Still can't believe you
let her have it and not me.

She's ready to hand it back. Would you?

No, probably not.


What's going on with those two?

They're so different, but
they need to figure out

how they're going to work together.


- [Angie] Cuckoo!
- Wonder Twin powers activate!

[both laughing]

[Gloria] Stop! [Leanne] These are tight.

- [gasps]
- Gun!

- Oh, shit!
- [Leanne] Get it!

[inmates clamoring]


[all gasping]

Which one of you jalapeño
hookers grabbed my boob?

Answer her!

Oh, wait. Shit.

That might've been me. Sorry,
that was crazy down there.

Not my problem anymore, huh?


[panting] I knew it. Fuck!

Shut up!

Put your hands up!

[inmate speaking Spanish]

[in English] Hey! Hey, you guys
speaking Española over there.

Yeah! Look at me.

Look at me!

I'm the jefe now. [chuckles]

She's the jefe.

[Alex] Okay, enough with these two.

Ah. StreetEasy.


Let's search for New
York real estate porn.

Gramercy Park.

One bedroom, two baths...
hardwood floors, of course.

Or two bedrooms...

for, like, an office-guest
room situation.

Is it important to have
a gym in the building?

How about cement floors, no
windows and a view of a toilet?

Because that will be home if Von Barlow
tells her boyfriend what she heard.

What's her real name again?

Oh, my God. I don't... I
don't know. Linda... something.

I guess. Linda.

Linda, who has "Solsbury Hill" on every
single one of her Spotify playlists.

[both laughing]

Her heart is going boom-boom-boom.

She could end you.

I don't know how many
ways to tell you...

I don't give a good goddamn.

Or a bad goddamn.

I don't give any kind
of goddamn, goddamn.

If she spills, she spills.

I'm guilty. I did it.

What will be will be.

Jesus, Alex.

I don't wanna talk about
this with you anymore.

Lie with me under the
stars and... and...

look at homes that we'll never afford...

thanks to sub-prime lending and...

also because we're registered felons.

You can feel guilty and
not destroy your life.

- [sighs]
- Which is long.

And involves me.

You have to care about
protecting yourself.

Do you think you were born this way?

Or do I have Carol to thank for your
exhausting need to control everything?

Fine, I don't need a gym.

Hardwood floor's a deal breaker. And
playing the Carol card was very low.

Hey, sometimes you gotta
haul out the big guns.


Hey, baby. [sighs]

Uh, hopefully you can hear me.

Please tell Daddy and
Sahar that I'm okay...

[door rattling]

[Judy] Oh, Jonesy! Thank God!

Don't "Jonesy" me!

We know about your special
panic room. Where is it?

- My what?
- Your VIP bunker.

You got snacks in there?

She's got a secret snack bunker?

No, of course I don't.

If I had a panic room,
don't you think I'd be in it?


We saw a text from your boy toy, Reg,
saying you were being taken care of.

What? Well, go on, let me see that.

Ah. Ah. Ah.

Reg is the husband, Bill is the boy toy.


Don't wanna share, huh?

Scrooge McDuck.

Hey, turban!

- How do you waterboard someone?
- Join the military.

[chuckles] And they
say Muslims ain't funny.

You're a fuckin' riot.

You know, I have worked with many
Muslims, many African Americans,

I've had nothing but good experiences.

Yeah, nice try and all,
but I can't help you here.

I got my own fish to fry.

You get service here?

[indistinct chatter]

Maybe I'll get the fried fish.


It's beer battered. Not halal.

Look at you, kickin'
the "Allah knows best."

Shoot. It looked good.

Fried's not good for you
anyway. Get the grilled.

Fine, but I'm getting fries.

Your body, your choice.

Your body, too.

You really wanna share it?

I'm willing to.

Is it a dream come true?

No, but... [inhales deeply]

I'm working more than ever. [sighs]

- The Noodle is not getting...
- The Noodle is fine.

She's perfect. She's my
perfect, pretty princess.

Okay, you've got to cut that out.

She's not a perfect, pretty princess.

She's a smart young woman.

She's strong.

She's beautiful.

We gotta use empowering words.

Not cute and princess.

She's strong and beautiful,

and smart, just like her mother.

My pretty princess wife. Masha-Allah.

Can we get back to
the discussion, please?

Babe, if you're so overwhelmed
with work and Farah,

why don't we just hire a nanny?

Because there's also you.

You need more, too.

I'm fine.

Hassan, I want a peaceful home.

And right now, I finish my work...

- [sighs]
- ... you get back from your work,

we're both tired and cranky, and...

Farah's got homework, we gotta eat...

the house is a mess. It's just...

It's all too much, and we're not
getting the best parts of each other.

I don't know why this seems
like such a big deal for you.

Most of our friends have done it.

Your dad has three wives.

It wasn't always peace in
the valley at our house.

Plus, he's 63 years old, and manscapes.

Not really one to model a life after.

How about this?

Let's be open to it?

If the right person comes
along, then we'll talk more.

And frankly, a little
trimming wouldn't kill you.

[indistinct chatter]

Ugh. This is killing me!

Look at that snaggley
smile. That's my guy.

- Teeth. Wow.
- [chuckles]

All the Hardings got it.
Snaggle's loud and proud.

[both laugh]

[Judy] This is insane.

You really need to attach me to a plank?

- You're a flight risk.
- [sighs]

If you try to run,
this'll slow you down.

It's funny.

Maybe we can build a rack out of these.

Stretch her out till
she delivers the treats?

Can you google "torture rack"?

- There are no treats!
- More rope.

[Brandy] Awesome.

Fuck the treats. This'll be more fun.

We just need something to
pull the nails out of these,

and then something
to bang them into her!

- [Anita chuckles]
- Yeah, okay, all right.

Okay, fine! You win.

All right, the truth is...

there's a supply drop
that's coming for me.

- It's not in yet, but it's coming.
- [Anita laughs]

I knew it!

When? When's the drop?

Uh, tonight.

Soon. Uh, on the roof.

Helicopter's bringing pizzas,
booze, cigarettes, you name it.

Excellent! Let's go!

Sankey, you coming?

Hey, what's up?


- Aw, that sucks.
- [snickers]

Those teeth.

[breath trembling] Fuck.

[trays clattering loudly]


What was that?

Did you hear that?

The trays crashing?

What trays crashing?

- [roof creaking]
- [Suzanne exclaims]

No, that is either a mischief of rats...

- A mischief?
- That's what a group of rats is called.

Um, a group of ferrets
is called a business.

No, I didn't hear ferrets.

I heard either a mischief of mutant
rats with human pinkie toes...

air vibrating through
wind turbines, or C.

C... I'm thinking C.

What's C?

I don't know... but it's gonna be good.

Her spirit.

Poussey's spirit.

I thought you said
that ghosts aren't real?

They aren't.

Spirits are.

What's the difference?

Spirits come from the other
side to visit those they love

that are still left here on Earth.

No such thing as ghosts.

Uh, I'm still not... I'm
not getting the difference.

Go with it. [clears throat]


[stutters] That.

What was that?

I don't know. I shivered.

Because you were cold?

Or because you felt something?

You know, I heard that ghosts...

- No... There are no ghosts!
- [Brook sighs]

Uh, spirits...


can't leave the spot where they died...

until they... resolve
some unfinished business.

[man on video] Five to
ten seconds at most.

Be sure not to blow on
the solder, otherwise...

Don't do that. This can make it
lumpy, or can also add impurities.

Now, you want to repeat
this until you're finished.

So, you're gonna repeat
these above steps

for each point that you want to solder.

So, re-tin your iron's tip,
okay, every several applications.

[breathing heavily] Wepa!

Blake was on tour six years.


[chuckling] Oh, shit.

Morman Miracle Pageant.


- He was in some kind of musical.
- [sighs]

Once you start scratching
the surface on somebody,

it's crazy the kind of shit you find.

That's why I try to keep my nails short.

Don't wanna scratch
too deep and hit crazy.


Maybe instead of "P" for Piscatella, he
filed it under "S" for son of a bitch.


[pants] Feeling kind of sweaty.

You feeling sweaty?

No. That's over, thank God.

Although for years, I
was one giant hot flash.

- Some things do get better with age.
- Like what?

My leg hair grows in patchier.
Not so much shaving to do.

My skin feels softer.

I don't give as many fucks,
although that's not really true.

I give many fucks.

The problem is, I don't feel old.

I feel 27, and then
I get a look at myself

and I can't believe
the lines and the sags.

I was a beautiful girl.

But worried. And
stupid. [inhales sharply]

- [drawer closes]
- I'm tougher now.

And if I get the fuck out of here...

I'd get senior discounts, I guess.

I do like a discount.

I'd also like to learn
how to do that thing

where you stand up in the water and row.

Huh, what is that?

- Paddleboarding?
- Yes!

[gasps] I think I'd like to do that.


[Blanca] Whoa.

In a wetsuit. On a lake.

You got good balance there.

I do. I do. I do.

Hey, what's in those boxes, huh?

- [panting]
- On the bookshelf there!




[in Spanish] Motherfucker, dude.

[in English] This is longer
than Infinite Jest.

Hey, you got any more of those vitamins?

I was thinking the same thing.

[pills rattling]

We could escape!

We could take the hostages
ourselves and bust out of here!

- [yelps]
- [all gasping]

- [yelps]
- Don't, Ang!

- Christ!
- Oh, sorry.

[both panting]

I did that a few months ago,
and there was nowhere to go.

- It was a real bummer.
- God damn it!

I wish we could just sit around and...

get high and watch The Voice.


I mean, we should be
able to do that, right?

'Cause we have the gun.

- Yeah.
- We should be able to make...

all our dreams come true.

Can't I just, like,
shoot the power back on?

[in Spanish] Meth-head with a gun.

- This is what my mom warned me about.
- What'd she say?

Never go near a meth-head with a gun.

Then why the fuck are we standing here?

[in English] It's a cliffhanger.

Attention! Hey, hey, everybody!

- Attention!
- Listen! Everyone!


We have finally figured out what
to do with our newfound power.

We're gonna host a talent show!

Performed by...


[inmates clamoring]

- [both] Cheer!
- [inmates cheering]


[cheering and laughing]

Hey, guess what?

I love the space program.

Don't you wanna know what's out there?

I'm dealing with a lot of
shit on planet Earth right now.

Not really giving
space a lot of thought.

You sound just like
Sister Ingalls. [scoffs]

She hates the space program.

Thinks it's a waste of resources.

Well, I have two words for her.

Extra terrestrials.

Maybe there's life out there

and they have the
answers to our problems.

Magical aliens are gonna solve
all the problems we created?

It's important to keep exploring.

I think we should take
action in the here and now

and stop looking to
the stars for answers.

Sister knows what's important.

I'm not her, but if you think
I sound like her, I'm flattered.

You wanna be like Sister?

I'd be lucky.

She's the best person I know.

You sure this is the right way?

Oh, there's a staircase
around here somewhere.

Should take us right to the drop spot.

I call dibs on all the edibles.

Posting this shit on the Internet?

It's like he's throwing
it right in my face.

- God, she even looks like you.
- [scoffs]

You shoulda seen her hair before
I showed her how to wear it.

Wait, you know her?

That's Corinne. We had an arrangement.

I was going away for a
while, so we made a deal.

Now, if Anders was gonna
stick his flagpole somewhere,

I wanted it in familiar ground.

It was supposed to stay in the bedroom.

Where's the staircase to heaven?

[yelps and grunts]


Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. I'm bleeding! [whimpering]


- Ketchup.
- [scoffs]

[Anita] Looks like some
folks had a condiment war.

I think mustard won the day.

Uh, I'm feeling faint.

Can we rest for a
moment? Just for a minute?

- [panting]
- No rest for the wicked.


She went to Brittany's birthday party?

Are you fucking kidding me?

And a fucking princess cake?

The bitch bought her a princess cake!

Technically, that's a
mermaid, not a princess.

Until the end of the stupid movie.

Then she's a princess who gave
up her voice to chase a man.

He knows how I feel
about the fucking mermaid!

And when our girl rises up from the sea,

it'll be on her God-given talents,
not some magical sea witch's spell.

And she'll know better than
to marry outside her race.

[man] Hey! All right, come on. Let's go.

Uh, Sahar?

You think it would ruin your
creation if I took off the princess?

You're not feeling knock-off Tiana?

Not a fan of the whole
princess thing in general.

I think it sends the wrong message.

Fair enough.

Can we do the cake now? Please?

Almost. Let's finish up the game first.

Oh. Remind me I gotta
pick up a graduation gift

for Hassan's sister's
best friend's kid tomorrow.

Whose name is...

- Karima.
- Mmm...

[both] With the eyebrows extreme-a.

[both laugh]


- [laughing]
- Shabammy? Seriously?

- [chuckles] That's my good luck word.
- Ah...

[chuckles] I think you could do better.

Y'all just hating.

Don't you wanna be told
when you're acting a fool?

- I know I would.
- Oh, me, too.

Me three.

Hey! You're supposed
to be on my team, right?

- Right.
- Good.

Now, go show 'em how
it's done, birthday girl.

I suck!

Oh, baby, you don't suck.

Can I show you how to
keep your wrist straight?

It's working, right?

- It's good.
- [Hassan] Better be.

We're in it till death do us part.

Or until the team of wife
and wife beats me in bowling,

and we both know that
ain't gonna never happen.

- Insha-Allah.
- [both chuckle]


- Shabammy!
- [all cheering]

[Maureen] Leaves fall. Flowers away.

Lengthen night and shorten day.

Keep us warm and close to thee...

till light again can comfort me.

What the fuck y'all doing?

Sisters... welcome.

Please... join us.

We're about to begin the séance.


I'm sorry, the what?

We are summoning Poussey's spirit.

You know, making sure there's
no unfinished business.

Well, of course there's
unfinished business.

She didn't get to live her life.

We... we just wanna
offer her some peace.

Well, y'all have fun
with y'all pretend time.

Here, Suzanne.

I got you this jacket
with a dragon on it.

It's reversible.

Thought you'd like it.

Oh, I do!

- [Taystee chuckles]
- Thank you.

That looks nice on you.

Yo, Brook. You humoring
them with this shit?

I never got to say goodbye.

- Maybe this is my chance.
- [Suzanne] No. Wait a minute.

The spirits are getting stronger.

There's an object that's calling to 'em.

[grunts softly]


- Those were hers.
- [Taystee] Man, what the fuck?

- How you know that?
- Just do.

We need them.

Look, Elephant Man.

You come close to my sneaks,
your face gonna be double swollen.

Calm down.

We're just trying to make a
spirit-friendly atmosphere.

Man, come on! This
is some bullshit. Ooh.


Actually, I'm kinda loving this.

I mean, you wanna walk away
from some free entertainment?

Scoot over.

I ain't taking off my shoes.

Oh, we just need them in the circle.


[Black Cindy] Come on, Taystee.

[Black Cindy chuckles]

Everyone, please...

join hands.

[both chuckle]

Everyone, please...

join hands!

[inhales deeply]

[chanting] Mighty...


we are ready to receive you.

She's here.

I can smell her...

[whispers] with my ears.

Oh, shit.

- [Angie] Come on! Hey!
- [inmates clamoring]

Titties, put those beasts
to work. Move your ass.

Hey, no loafing, motherfuckers.

- Let's go.
- [inmate] Loafing?

Beds out! Bitches, go! Motherfuckers!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Do you wanna be one of the judges?
- [Big Boo] Finally.

Someone appreciates me for my biting
wit and of course, impeccable taste.

Not you, Ca-Boo-to.

- Funny.
- We want her.

Oh, me? I don't... I don't know.

Oh, see, the thing is,

we need one of those, like,

types who can say useful things,

but with a tinge of sadness.

I'm the tell-it-like-it-is judge.

But I thought I was tell-it-like-it-is
and you were gonna be, like,

comforting and supportive.

Are you fucking serious right now?

Yeah, I guess that's a stretch.

I can be supportive when I have to be.

Yeah, the thing is, we were thinking
that you could be the stage manager.

Of course. The dyke does tech. Perfect.

- Ooh! Ooh! Mexico!
- Excuse me?

We are making something...

- ... really special...
- Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

... and we're gonna
let you be part of it.

See, there's always a Hispanic.

You can be the Hispanic.
Yi, yi, yi, yi, yi!

- [both laugh]
- What the fuck are you talking about?

Judge. Like with Shakira.

[Leanne] Or JLo.

- But that's a different show.
- No.

I hate that stuck-up bitch.

- She's a fucking bitch.
- Fucking cunt.

[Angie] I heard she kicked a dog.

- I'm sure she did.
- Mmm-hmm.

Well, come on. It's gonna be fun.

- [grunts]
- [Angie] See, the thing is,

I think you got a great eye for talent.

I just feel that about you.

Plus, we're gonna get to make the
guards feel real bad about themselves.

And, uh, she's got the gun...

and she wants you to do it...

[whispers] so you kinda
don't have a choice.

Are we supposed to perform
like dancing monkeys?

[Dixon] ♪ Momma made me mash my M&M's ♪

♪ Bum, bum ♪

♪ Momma made me mash my M&M's ♪

♪ Bum, bum ♪

♪ Momma made me mash my M&M's ♪

- ♪ Bum... ♪
- You know, we all don't have to sing?

There are other talents.

Singing is my talent, hombre.

If you feel threatened,
you could do something else.

What are you singing?

I don't know.

Something pop-y. JT or Usher.

Or "Surrey with the Fringe on Top" from
Oklahoma! I haven't decided yet.

Yeah, well, I got zero talents.

Yeah, well, you gotta
think of something.

It's gun to the head.
Literally. Can you juggle?

- No.
- [Blake] Play a sport?

I threw javelin.

I never knew anyone who
did that. That's cool.

You need special shoes for that?

They got spikes.

[stammers] I did this
one thing in college,

just for, like, a couple extra bucks.

Sounds promising.

Why are we even doing this?

It's not like they can kill us all.

You see what happened
to your guard friend?

What's his name, Humps?

He wasn't dead, but he
wasn't exactly alive either.

Five minutes to places,
please, ladies and gentlemen.

Five minutes.

Thank you five.

It's a thing.

[Davis inhales deeply]

♪ Momma made me mash my M&M's ♪

♪ Bum, bum ♪


Where are you going?

I'm leaving... through the front door.

I need to see my friend.

Sophia, the fate of a large black
person coming out of the dark

through the front door isn't
a promising one right now.

I'm willing to take my
chances. It's up to God, right?

Uh, no, it's up to you.

That's right.

It's up to me.

You want this spot?

I made a pillow.

I'm good.

So quiet out here.

[inmate] Yeah.

There was so much yelling in there.

Bitches were screaming so
loud, my brain got numb.

[Dwight] Yeah, noisy
bitches. I hate that.

And really smelly bitches.

- [music playing on radio]
- And bitchy bitches.

You think we're gonna get
in trouble being out here

since technically it's count time?

Maybe we get counted as sitting it out.

That would be cool. [chuckles]

Plus, the music's good.

- Maybe we could just listen to it.
- [turns up volume]

[music continues]

[chuckles softly]


[whispers] Come on, come
on, come on, come on.


[sighs] This is the third message.

There's five of you, why is
no one ever near the phone?

Jesus Christ, okay.


The battery's gonna die.

So, um...

[scoffs] call your mother.


- He's sleeping.
- You missed a button.


He took an Ambien. If you
wake him, he's gonna get weird.

There's a standoff at Litchfield
Prison. They've taken hostages.

The governor should know.

I can't be held responsible
for any binge eating,

or inappropriate e-mailing
after you wake him.

You remember the two loaves
of bread and the Nutella?

Three jars, Nita. Ambien eating.

We'll clean it up.

And I'll take away his phone
and his laptop till morning.

[Hutchinson grunts]

- When did this come in?
- Five minutes ago.

[sighs] MCC.

That's Paulson?

Pearson. Jack Pearson.

Right, that's right.

That guy's a real fart-sniffer.

Who negotiated for the inmates?

No one, I don't think. It...
it came straight from them.


They make some fair points.

Grab my... laptop from
over there, will you?

Or, uh, you could dictate.

- Why don't you dictate?
- [sighs]

I can't do this right now.

We'll call them first
thing in the morning.

- The inmates?
- MCC.

That's six hours from now.
That's a long time, sir.

There are hostages.

It's a women's minimum security prison.

Probably one big Take
Back the Night rally.

Maybe less armpit hair.

Do they have razors in there?

Come back in the morning.

On your way out, could you tell
Ashley that we need to discuss the...

She... she should just come
back in here... Situation.

I'm hungry. Are you hungry?

Jeez! I never thought I'd
find someone slower than me.

You know, I am walking in the
dark with Heinz 57 in my eyes,

attached to a goddamn wooden plank!

Oh, poor you.

I have Morton's neuroma.

Yeah, well, I probably
have Wolfgang Puck's herpes,

but I don't go around announcing it.

Did you think you were being
the cool girl or something?

Don't you know the cool girl
always ends up alone or fat?

Or both in my cousin April's case.

I thought it'd be like one of those
open-minded relationships, you know?

I think you mean open relationship.

They can be quite wonderful...

Don't correct her! Who asked you anyway?

I only brought it up because
I happen to be in one myself.

Of course you are, money
bags. This is different.

When's the last time
you had to suck a dick?

Well, I don't see it
as a "have to" thing.

Oh, I just can't believe he
got so public about it, ya know?

- It's a real small town.
- [sighs]

My doctor's also my dentist
and sometimes cuts my hair.

Now everyone knows.

- Your kid. She knows.
- Jesus. Helen, be sensitive.

Shit! There's no reception here.
I need service! I gotta call him.

Where the fuck are we?

Well, I got myself turned around.
You know, this is a prison.

You know, they don't want people
going up on the roof all the time.

They like to keep that access aloof.

[Anita sighs]

You guys go ahead. I gotta find bars.



Hey, Noodle!

Ah! Perfect timing.

I've got lunch ready for you.

[Farah] Mommy, look.

Aren't they cool?

You let her do that?

You said whatever she wanted.

I meant a bracelet, maybe a purse.

Not body mutilation.

Oh, that's a little
harsh, don't you think?

Sahar, can you please
take Farah into the den?

You need to relax.

- Me?
- She's her daughter, too.

Oh, really?

I don't remember her in the delivery
room pushing that melon head out.

You can't have it all ways, Alison. You
can't be both the hero and the victim.

[sighs] It should have
been a conversation.

It was a conversation.

And after that conversation,
we decided to be a family.

She's my child.

When you invite someone in, it's
your job to make 'em feel wanted.


Farah's happy.

I'm happy. Sahar's happy.

Come on, Al.

Where's my girl?

[indistinct radio chatter]




Where'd you come from?

I'm an inmate. And I've
just broken out of prison.

Oh, shit. [stammers] Okay.

What are you gonna do with me?

Uh... [sputters]

Uh, I guess we'll, uh,
take you over to Max.

That's what we did with the
rest who bolted. [chuckles]

Come on. I'll get you a van. So
what's it like in there? Is it nuts?

Yeah, this way.

It's fine.

Performance report. Performance report.

Why are there so many
performance reports?

How many reports does one man
need on his performance? My God!

[inhales] Does your mouth feel dry?

Uh, yeah. [sighs]

Plus, it's moving in slow-mo.

Hey, mira. Look!

There's something here. I know it.

[breathes deeply]

But I can't concentrate with
that clock ticking so loud.

[laughs] What clock?

That cl...

Huh. That's strange.

No matter. Back to business.

We're taking down that big
warthog, and then they'll all see.

- See what?
- They'll just see.

It's enough. That they see.

[inhales deeply] Okay.

Maybe there are so many
performance reports...

because he's writing them himself.

Or what if he stole someone's identity?

- Or what if he was...
- He killed someone.

- Yes, he would do that.
- No, really.

He killed an inmate.

"Inmate Rosado from D block

"was discovered unresponsive
in a running shower

"with full thickness
burns over 80% of his body.

"CO on duty at time of the incident...

was Desi Piscatella."

My God!

A week later he was transferred.

How did Caputo not know?

What am I saying, of course he knew.

Maybe it was an accident.

[in Russian] There are no accidents.

[in Spanish] You're right.

Everything is a choice.

[in English] Come on!

Remember, you must keep
the circle unbroken.

Whatever you do, do
not break the circle.

Hold up. What if we gotta pee?

Do not break the circle.

[Maureen inhales deeply]


[Suzanne sighs]

... we welcome you to this room.

As we sit here...

we make this a place of welcoming.

Everyone, tell Poussey we welcome her.

[all] We welcome you, Poussey.

[Maureen] Taystee?

She gets it. She welcome.

Poussey, Suzanne is
here to listen to you.

Speak to her.

Tell her what you want us to hear.

She says... she's trying

to feel a peach.


Trying to feel at peace.

[Brook sighs]

[whispers] Does she
really believe this shit?


[whispers] Everybody got
their own way to grieve.

She says she's not angry.

But she's lost.

[Maureen] How can we
help her find her way?

She says she feels
the throbbing of time.

[stutters] A throbbing
in a time machine.

Oh, my God.

That was our place.

How did you know that?

Oh, please, like that's some big secret.

[Brook] Wait. Wait, what else?

- [Suzanne] No, I can't hear.
- [breath trembling] What else?

[stutters] Page 70. She says "Page 70."

Maya Angelou. She was her favorite.

P's favorite book was
Alice in Wonderland.

- No, it was Maya Angelou.
- Stop! Stop!

Is... is she saying that?

No, I'm saying that. I can't hear!

Quote... She says...
she says there's a quote.

"You've got another
love, and I know it..."

[muttering indistinctly]

You're taking too damn long.

Oh, yo! "She'll cry and wonder.

What went wrong?"

[inhales sharply]

See? Maya Angelou.

[sobs] I am crying and
wondering what went wrong.

We're all doin' that.

You really think P would bother to
have us look that shit up in a book?

She says... she misses you.

[Brook sobs]

[crying] Tell her I
miss her, too. So much.

What makes you think she talking to you?

Because she feels my grief!

Oh, and she don't feel mine?

- We was best friends!
- It's...

You knew her for, like,
five minutes compared to me!

It's not about quantity,
it's about connection!

Well, we had both.

Oh, shit, it's a grief-off.

Sisters, please.

This energy is not
spirit-friendly right now.

You know what? Fuck this. I'm done.

- No, you can't break the circle.
- Why?

She already dead!

And this... this Pagan bullshit
ain't gonna bring her back!

There ain't no heaven, and
there ain't no ghosts, man!

When you dead...

you dead.

[cup clatters]

[inmates cheering]

We promised you the best of the bubble.

We promised them a chance to
show us what they got, and live.

- [laughing]
- This is Litchfield Idol!

[inmates cheering]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I thought we were doing The Voice.
I don't like Idol as much.

It's a better name. Let it go.

Studio audience, let
'em know you're here!


The stage is set.

The tension is real. The pressure is...

Okay! That's like three intros
already. Can we get on with it?

All right.

Ladies and, well, lady boys,

please welcome to the
stage our first contestant,

CO Dixon.

[inmates booing]

Whenever you're ready, Lee.

[booing continues faintly]

♪ You're a rich girl ♪

♪ And you've gone too far ♪

♪ 'Cause you know it
don't matter anyway ♪

♪ You can rely on the old man's money ♪

♪ You can rely on the old man's money ♪

♪ It's a bitch, girl ♪

♪ And it's gone too far ♪

♪ And you know it don't matter anyway ♪

♪ Say money but it
won't take you too far ♪

♪ Take you too far ♪

Okay. Well, thank you.

[loudly] ♪ Don't you know ♪

[inmates exclaiming]

♪ Don't you know ♪

♪ That it's wrong, oh ♪

♪ To take what's given you... ♪

Now, I thought you were a little
pitchy in the early verses,

but you recovered nicely. Well done.

Yeah, it was all right.

[stutters] Well, I'm not a
big fan of the song choice,

but I thought the execution was good.

Just don't get all nasally
when you hit those high notes.

- Exactly what I was gonna say.
- Mmm-hmm.

- "Joseph knelt while in his youth."
- [Leanne] Oh, fuck.

"And prayed to know
the good Lord's truth.

"He did the work that he was told.

"His prayers did yield...

- two plates of gold."
- [inmates gasping] Ooh.

I could've used more magic.

Was that Joseph Smith
finding the tablets?

- Yes!
- Oh, see...

I didn't even get that
and it still worked for me.

Ladies. All right.

Ladies, all right. How're
we doing? You guys good?

You guys good?

I've seen a lot of you out there
taking pictures of yourselves

with your newly-found phones.

Takin' selfies.

Or as they're called
in prison, cell-fies.

- [inmates hissing and booing]
- [Angie] Boo.

- [Leanne blows raspberry]
- [Maria] Wow.

How many of y'all bitches
like eating pussy? Ha-ha-ha!

I mean, I don't know.

I thought you were a little
bit too Jay Leno or something.

But not in a good way, you know?

Yeah, no, I totally
agree. It was terrible.

- I'm so thirsty.
- [inmates exclaiming]

[inmates laughing]

What should I do now? Um...

Oh, yeah, boobs.

[inmates laughing]

Yeah, I have boobs. Yay, me! Yay!

[inmates] Yeah!

It's a little...

- it's a little cheesy...
- [inmates clapping]

... but there's something
really satisfying about it.

See, for me it's, like, a little hacky.

Um, but didn't you think
it was satisfying, like...

[softly] like a little bit?

For me? No.

[in Italian] ...he's not an eggplant,

he's retarded!


Oh, what a pity to be without testicles.

- Ooh!
- [inmates exclaim]

Long live the pussy!

Viva la gnocca!

[in Spanish] Shut your mouth!

- [in English] Get out of here!
- [shushes]

[inmates cheering]

[inmates booing]

Ladies, I know you're
angry. And I'm angry, too.

[stammers] I'm pleading
with you to just stop this.

We... we can all work together.

- [gunshot]
- [inmates gasp]

Are you gonna perform or not?

Yeah, um...

[stammering] There...

♪ There's workers in the mine ♪

♪ And they can't get out ♪

♪ There's workers in the mine ♪

♪ With a job to do ♪

♪ 'Cause the moms won't care ♪

♪ And it's just not fair ♪

♪ Gotta get those workers out of there ♪

[sings off-key] ♪ With a job to do ♪


[inmates booing]

Uh, I... I need a phone.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[scoffs] Who said that you could
put your uniform on? What...

I gave it to him. He
said it would be worth it!

I just need a little music.

Next time, you need to
consult with me first.

- Okay...
- That was really fucked up.

[R&B music playing on phone]

[turns up volume]

[indistinct chatter]

[inmates exclaiming]

[inmates laughing]

[inmates catcalling]

[inmates cheering]

- [Leanne] Oh, shit!
- [inmates cheering]

[Leanne] Oh, my God!

[inmates cheering]


[inmates screaming]


[inmate] Whoo!



Oh, my God!


[inmates screaming]

[all screaming]

[inmates whooping]


- It's too much!
- Oh!

- It's too much!
- That's too much?

- [chuckles] Yeah.
- Who else wants it, huh?

[inmates cheering and screaming]

- [squealing]
- [cheering]


[indistinct chatter]

We really have our work cut out.

This has been our strongest season yet.

Uh, look, your friend is here.

Ugh! Like a puppy that won't
stop following me around.

- [Angie scoffs]
- [Leanne laughs]

Von Barlow, you got a sec?

[mocking Piper]

[inmates chuckling]

All right, commercial break.

[inmates laughing]

[clears throat] What's going on in here?

I'm a little busy. What do you want?

Look, I need to be sure that
somebody keeps their mouth shut

about a certain something
that they overheard

about somebody else in the bathroom.

Yeah. Yeah, it's fine.
I gotta go weigh in.

Look, do you hear what I'm telling you?

I have information
on you, too, you know.

I found the dick pics.

And I know who they belong to.

That thing is veiny.

Well, it was fun.

But he cheated on me
so we're totally over.

And I don't care about your friend.

Go live your life.

I gotta go judge.

Not you... something else, okay?


Yo, why that judge look so familiar?

'Cause she's famous.

That's the counterfeit cunt
from Connecticut right there.

Oh, yeah.

Is this where you go when you
want nothing to do with that shit?

Who's in charge out here?

She is.

Oh, yeah.

I recognize you from the chapel.

So, you running this resistance thing?

I'm not running anything.


I'm trying to stay out of all that.

Do you guys hear me?

You don't wanna follow me.

I am not a leader.
I'm not a good person.

I'm a murderer.

[sighs heavily]

I murdered someone, and I
let my friend go down for it.

So you all can do whatever you want,

but I just wanna sit
here and serve my time.

Well, I only wanna serve my time, too.

I only wanna serve my time, too.

- [inmate 1] Me, too.
- [inmate 2] Yep, me, too.

- [inmates murmuring]
- [inmate 3] Yeah, me, too.


[camera shutter clicks]

- [door slams]
- [breathing heavily]

Fuck! Fuck!



What do you want now, Nazi?

[voice breaking] I'm not a...

[sighs] Fuck off... terrorist.

[door opens]

[door slams]


- [indistinct chatter]
- [grunts]

Whatever. We all heard the crowd. We
know who they responded to the most.

Yeah, it was Mr.
Chippendales over there.

Now's the time!

[inmates whooping]

We asked the fans what they want.

But in the end, it's
the judges' decision.

One judge in particular.

[chuckles] Whatever.

Some judges have better
taste than others.

- [laughs]
- Oh, this is bullshit.

I totally get it. I do.

Thank you!

In the end, the winner of
Litchfield's Got Talent...

Litchfield Idol!

Just 'cause you got the gun doesn't
mean you get to decide everything.


- The winner is Josh.
- [inmates] What?

What the fuck?

What the hell happened to
talent in talent competition?

That's some bullshit!


- The decision is final.
- All right.

The hot guy wins!

[inmates] Aw.

[indistinct chatter]

- [Angie] Hi!
- Hi.

[stutters] Um, what...
what exactly do I win?

[gasps] Mmm.

[both chuckling]

Oh, shit. We forgot about that.

[gasps] Ooh!

You get to pick the loser,
who we then get to punish!


Well, there's only one loser here.

That's the so-called Warden.


[Angie] Warden!

Let's take him to the Poo!

[inmates cheering]

You mean SHU.

[Angie] Let's go, Caputo.
[Leanne] Don't be scared.

[both chuckling]

- [mimics retching]
- [laughs]

- [flies buzzing]
- [chuckles] Welcome.

Your humble abode, sir.


And don't even think
about trying to escape!

[indistinct chatter over radio]

Hey, B-12, right?

The vitamin?

Nah, the SHU. I recognize your voice.

Vazquez. I was in B-10 for two weeks.

Oh, yeah. You had that spider.

Yeah, the fool spider boy had nine
legs and still couldn't deliver a kite.

[scoffs] Hey, is it true the
ladies took over up there?

- Something like that.
- Hmm.

Hey, were you still in the
box when they brought a nun in?

Maybe you heard her. She's a talker.

No, uh, I didn't catch her on the
way in, but I saw her on the way out.

- Out?
- Yeah, she got pneumonia.

Wasn't doing too good.
So, they gave her a CR.

Compassionate Release.

[sucks teeth] We should all be so lucky.



[Judy] Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Hey, hey, easy now! Easy! Whoa!

[Helen] Buggy up here.

That's a good idea.


How're they gonna see us?

- [Anita wheezing]
- [grunts]

You okay there?

Too many... steps. Fuck
this, I'm going back.

What about the drop?

[chuckles] There ain't no drop. She
was clearly lying to save her skin.

No. No, that's not right.

- She has 1% riot help!
- [Judy] That's right.

And I'm Sinatra.

Fuck it. Let's throw her off.

No! No, no, wait! Wait! Jonesy!

No, wait a minute!

- Jonesy! Yoga...
- Guys, stop it!

[all clamoring]

[Judy] No, wait a minute!
Jonesy! Yoga, no! No!

- Stop! Yoga, no!
- [Yoga Jones] Wait a minute!

[Judy] No, stop!

- [helicopter whirring]
- Wait, look!

- [Judy gasps]
- [Yoga Jones] Look!

[all yelling indistinctly]

[all] Over here!

Oh, Lord!

I can't breathe!

This goddamn flicker vertigo...

Oh, shit!

[indistinct clamoring]

[camera shutter clicking]

[Judy grunts] Help.

[camera shutter clicking]

[camera shutter clicking]

[pop music playing]