Orange Is the New Black (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - Piece of Sh*t - full transcript

Piper's plan to edge out the competition could backfire badly. Cindy finds a way to make Taystee's job pay off. Luschek gets some interesting mail.

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♪ The animals the animals ♪

♪ Trapped trapped trapped
till the cage is full ♪

♪ The cage is full the day is new ♪

♪ And everyone is waiting
waiting on you ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪

♪ Think of all the roads ♪

♪ Think of all their crossings ♪

♪ Taking steps is easy ♪

♪ Standing still is hard ♪

♪ Remember all their faces ♪

♪ Remember all their voices ♪



♪ Everything is different ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪

That shit is disgusting, man.
I don't know how you drink it.

Yum.

If I could tell five-year-old me
that one day he'd be able to get drunk

off the liquid equivalent
of Werther's Originals

for $5.98 a bottle,
he'd be fucking psyched.

Or, actually, really confused
about what "drunk" means.

Lucky you.

Fiver-year-old me knew exactly
what being drunk meant.

Want a nibble?

Nah, man. I... I got to work.



So?

Ah, my manager's up my ass, you know?

He's gonna know I'm high
the second he sees me.

You didn't listen to me, man.

I told you, you got to show up
high on your first day, man.

That way they think that's who you are.

But no, you had to go
and make a good impression,

get off on the right foot.

Now you're screwed.

Can't let other people define you, man.

When are you getting the boot
off your truck?

After I get my bike out of impound.

Thanks for the ride.

...please check in with your guard.

Position one.

Boom!

Mm! Hey, um, Joel?

Me?

Sorry, did I get that wrong?
I thought it was Joel.

I saw it on your mailbox,
uh, which is overflowing.

I... I just think you might want to take
care of that before Piscatella sees.

"Keep things orderly and in order!"

What's your, uh, first name?

Baxter.

Your parents named you Baxter Bayley?

That sounds like a cartoon dog name.

Yeah, my dad's really into dogs,
actually, so...

That's weird.

- Yeah.
- Here's the thing, Baxter Bayley, uh...

I don't really like to pay too much
attention to anything around here,

especially if it requires me
to do something as a result.

So, uh, if you're gonna point
something out to me,

it should be something awesome,

like cake or pie in the break room.

Yeah. Got it.

Joel.

Uh, it's, uh, Luschek.

Sorry.

I just... I really think
you need to deal with your letters.

- What the hell?
- Told you.

Mm.

Oh!

"Caputo's dingleberries"?

I got to go.

Mm? Okay.

Well, I will let you know
if I see cake or pie.

Ha ha ha ha. Great.

Thanks.

Oh, hey. Morning, sugar.

Inmate.

I smell butterscotch?

- Ahh.
- Do I look like my 92-year-old nana?

Ooh, boy.
Somebody's in a mood this morning.

So, what have you got there?

- Fan mail.
- Ah! Oh, wait. All right, little advice.

You want to get yourself
a signature stamp.

Save you hours.

Aren't you full of time-saving tips.

Mm. So, you got yourself
an overzealous pen pal?

Uh... former inmate here.

And I thought I was special.

Wasn't like that.

That must've taken
a lot of courage.

Remember, you have a community
that serves you.

Thank you for your honesty today,
Schneider.

Now, before I distribute today's chips,

join me in the Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Okay.

So, it looks like I only have
one chip to celebrate today,

and it's a goody.

Nichols, care to come up here?

Three years. Well done.

Aay!

Well, shit, man, I... if I knew
you guys were gonna clap,

I would've brought my tap shoes.

Yeah, to be honest,
I never really believed

in this bullshit before, you know?
I... I'd go to rehab, and no one told me

that you guys give it away
for free in here.

I should've just gotten
locked up like a decade ago,

saved my mom a suitcase of cash.

Although I do miss the cigarettes.

Really miss the cigarettes.

I mean... like, how the fuck
do you have A.A. with no smokes?

It's nuts. It's criminal.

You know, so to speak.

Anyway...

This valueless piece of crappy plastic
really means a lot to me.

Uh... symbolism, et cetera.

Screw it. You know,
I'm fucking proud of myself, so...

All right, everyone.
So, I'll see you tomorrow.

Keep coming back.

It works if you work it.

Okay.

You fucking kidding me?

Contraband.

Shitheads.

Morning, sister.

Sorry.

I, uh... I have a thing.

Over here.

I would've asked, but since we're sneaking

into each other's bunks
in the middle of the night,

I thought it was safe to assume.

I was sleepwalking.

Climbing.

Whispering.

What's going on with you?

Nothing. I'm great.

Just sitting here.

Enjoying the prison breeze.

I'm worried about you.

The other night was
really out of character.

Maybe it's entirely in character.

But you wouldn't know because
we haven't talked in so long.

Fine.

I will leave you alone.

But I'm here if you ever want to drop
the sarcasm and talk to me.

Oh, my god. How generous!

Now you have time for me?
Now you want to talk?

Where were you before?
When I needed you?

I begged you to listen to me,
and you were too busy

fucking that tattooed kangaroo
and calling me paranoid.

I spent months thinking
that I was crazy because of you.

And you know what? I was right.

Right?
What do you mean you were right?

Nothing. Never mind. I have to go.

Most likely to be
an undercover baller goes to...

Maritza.

I have dreamt about this moment
my whole life.

No, but for real, though,

that was, like, some
James Bond-level shit.

- Ooh!
- Panty galore. Hi.

No, but seriously, when do we get paid?

Alonso's gonna let me know
when all the inventory's sold.

Yo, this is a real shame.

- Hm?
- We got a group here, right?

We got a system.

So, yo, why we ain't
going after the hard stuff?

That's true. How much we ever
gonna make off panties?

Yeah, but we got to be patient, all right?

Our crew ain't about nothing illegal,
you hear me?

This is the game in here right now.

So we're gonna play the game,
and we're gonna win.

On behalf of the Litchfield
safety task force,

you need to halt your gathering.

What the fuck you saying?

Congress...

Uh... shit. No, that's not it.

Um, conga...

Ca... conga. Conga.

This shit.

- Con...
- "Congregating."

It's congregating.

Congregating in a group of four
or more is no longer allowed.

- What?
- Man, get the fuck out of here.

- Stupid. So stupid!
- Look, you dirt taco.

Whoa! You move along

or I'll call a C.O. over here
and get y'all some shots.

- What'd you just call her?
- What's the problem?

They're gathering, sir.

Ohh. Gathering, huh?

Well, I guess I have some shots.

Oh! Man, you serious, man?

Are you fucking kidding me?

It's like he's in my head.

- It's like he's talking right to me.
- That's good.

Can I pitch you a crazy idea?

You want to make me breakfast.

That is very sweet.

Stick with me for just a second.

We have all these issues
because of the overcrowding, right?

We have lack of space,
unemployment, bad behavior.

But you know what I think
the biggest problem we have is?

My hunger?

Boredom.

The inmates are restless.

They have nothing to fill up
their time, so they're...

they're picking fights
and they're acting out,

and you can't really blame 'em.

We don't have the money
to give them jobs,

but we can give them something else.

Something that gives them

a reason to get dressed in the morning...

that makes them more productive
members of society

in and out of prison.

We can give 'em classes.

That sounds expensive.

But it wouldn't have to be.

MCC would never let one of those
fruity liberal-arts schools

- inside our walls.
- I know that.

That's why I was thinking

we can train the guards
to lead the classes.

We don't have to teach calculus,

just some more concrete life skills.

We can call them...

"Enrichment Classes."

This could make a real difference
in some of these women's lives.

And maybe ours, too.

If I can get this off the ground,

it has the potential to be career-
defining.

Right?

I can help.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I know how to pitch things to MCC.

It's all about using
the right language with them.

Putting things in their terms.

When I'm in my flow, they don't
even realize what they're saying yes to.

You think that's the right approach?

Absolutely. You let me handle them.

You focus on your legacy.

Go, team.

Go, team!

And go omelet,
maybe, like a scramble?

- Scramble?
- Love a scramble.

- You're hungry. You need to eat.
- I'm starving.

This is good, Joe. This is so good.

- I'm gonna make you an omelet.
- Great. Go team!

This week we seen two sets
of titties on the walls,

which is less than four the week
before, and only one pussy.

Uh, but to be honest,
it wasn't really drawed that well,

so I don't think anybody knew

it was supposed to be a pussy, anyway.

Yeah, chalking that up as a win
all around.

Been breaking up groups of border niggers,
and plain niggers, too.

Spookin' spooks. Crunching nachos.
Ain't nothing.

This has been moderately
to minimally helpful.

- Thank you, inmates.
- But wait, we got more.

Some of us girls have
also been noticing panties.

Why don't you just leave
the strip-searching up to us?

Not the regular panties.

The fancy ones from the sewing job.

Slutty panties.

I think they're pretty.

Shouldn't we be focusing
on gang activity?

Girls wearing panties sounds
pretty harmless to me.

For perverts.

Cash money.

- Crotch sniffing.
- Yeah.

It's a business. We heard.

You're telling me
that somebody's making money

off of dirty panties?

Yeah, they're selling for like
$700 to chinamen in China.

That's what we heard.

Oh, we heard that. Yeah.

Thank you for your intel.

Keep it steady.

All right, I've got it.

Okay, see, if you want it
to be the United States,

you should've been the women
because they're good at soccer.

Whereas the men, not so much.

I'm not gonna be
some chick team, dude.

- Ah, damn it!
- Yeah, that's offsides.

Can't concentrate with all the noise
from the idiots out there.

- You want a soda?
- Have anything harder?

Aren't you on the clock?

Aren't you on the clock?

Oh! Fuck!

Maybe I should call
the cable company instead.

If you want to pay for it, sure.

Teaching them to install illegal cable
doesn't exactly sound like rehabilitation.

It's a practical skill
in the real world, my friend.

I'm bleeding.

- Fuck did you do?
- Jesus.

I cut myself with that shitty,
rusty wire cutter you gave us.

- Come on, run.
- What?

- No, I need to go to medical.
- At halftime.

Just wrap a sock around it or something.

One more scar's not gonna
change your world.

Fucking asshole.

Oh, goal! Take that, fucker!

I wasn't even playing, man.

You're such a piece of shit.

What did you say, inmate?

I said you're a piece of shit!

You want to spend some time
in the SHU?

Hey, man, she needs to go to medical.

- You're defending her?
- If she's telling you

she needs something,
you need to listen to her.

They're people, for Christ's sake.

It's our job to take care of these women.

Do your fucking job!

You're not listening to her.

Are you joking?

Get out of my house.

No? Not joking?

It's been a real buzzkill.

Let's go, tetanus.

- Oh, wait, wait, wait.
- What?

Can you give us a ride?

Hey, get a move on, inmate.

What's your business?

Well, I figured I'd bust out of here

and sell generic disinfectant
and cleaning rags

on the street for pennies.

Man, come on. It's me.

Answer the question.

I am a cleaning porter,

as my giant accomplice here
might indicate.

Take a left down hallway "A,"
a right down hallway 21,

and then report to the SHU gate.

Oh, hey, let me ask you a question.

Uh, at what point do I get
to meet the wizard?

Oh, thank you.

See ya.

Michigan, Lansing.

Minnesota, Jackson.

Missouri, Jefferson City.

Mississippi.
You forgot Mississippi.

Mississippi.

God damn.

I always do that.

Shut that motherfucker!

What, you a peeping Tom now?

Hiya, Burset.

Be honest with me.

You ever seen me look this ravishing?

Uh, if we're using "ravishing"
as a synonym for "horrendous," never.

Nichols, right?

You on this hallway a lot?

Maybe once a week.

I... I never really know where
they're gonna assign me.

Listen.

Can you get me a blanket?

Bring it in next time you come through?

I... I... I'd love to help you, I just, uh,

I'm really trying to keep
on the straight and narrow.

Please?

I'm not sleeping.

I'm gonna lose my mind
if I don't get some rest.

And we both know what happens
if you go insane in this place, right?

Hey, I... I feel you. I really do.

But think about it...
I don't even know where to find a spare.

Even if I did,
they'd just spot it in a second.

You'd be fucked. I'd be fucked.

I get it.

Sorry I asked.

Hold on.

Here.

At least that'll keep your mind occupied.

So just go slowly, all right?

Read every word, even the ads.

Reciting the capitals helps me
if that doesn't work.

- I got to go. I got to go.
- What's it like outside today?

Is it raining?

Go.

Whoa, Snow White and her high hos.

Why don't you get
in the back of the line?

- Next
- What's going on?

Oh, it's a stop and frisk.

Over here.

Next.

Over here.

Thank you.

- Next.
- Are you wearing?

Uh-huh.

- Fuck.
- Here.

Next.

Over here, please.

Oh, you... yeah, hustle.

Next.

Right over here.

Go.

Next.

Go.

You.

No.

You.

You look interesting.

Where are you from, inmate?

- Hawaii.
- Ooh.

Over here.

Aloha.

Next.

Well, hello there, C.O., Sir.
How are you today?

Go.

Come on.

And next.

Shit.

Next.

Look at this.

Oh, shit. That's Betty Cracker herself.

I was in that grass this morning.

- That exact grass.
- Damn.

We could've been in this pic.
Been all prison famous.

You know what's better
than being famous?

Uh, pizza, daisies,
smelly markers, any animal,

a really good dream, a warm bath,

picking a booger... a dry one...

pizza, graham-crackers
and icing sandwiches,

the feeling you get
when you make a really good joke

and someone laughs... in a nice way,
not a mean way, and they...

- Money!
- Money?

Cash money, y'all.

Yo, you know how much
these paparazzi people make

off of one of these celebrity pictures?

If they be flying these robocops
over Litchfield

just to get this janky-ass picture,

imagine how much a close-up could be.

That's what those drones are doing?

The aliens aren't coming?

Yo!

Focus.

My bad. My bad.

I got the internet.

- Where?
- You got on Caputo's computer.

Yo! That's a game changer!

I know! I know, I know, I know!
Okay, okay.

So, all we got to do now
is find ourselves a cellphone,

and we got ourselves a retirement plan.

Yo!

I'm gonna retire in that hotel
with the indoor water park in Ohio!

Lord, give me strength.

You got kids?

Nope.

Wasn't in the cards.

Didn't have the genetics.

Well, that don't stop most people.

Well, there was
some family medical history

I didn't want to pass on.

You?

Well, the... okay, the me that
I used to be wanted them.

But considering my present situation,

it's probably good that I didn't
make any more little Lolly-pops.

Hey, have you ever seen
The Twilight Zone?

Up here every day.

You know, my mother loved it.

And there was an episode

where this couple wakes up
in a strange house.

So they go downstairs,
and they're looking for other people.

They can't find any other people.

They try to make a call,
and all the phones are fake.

- No!
- Yes.

And outside, there are fake squirrels,

stuffed, posed on fake trees.

So, at the end, this really huge hand

reaches down from the sky
and picks them up.

And it's a young girl.

But she's a giant.

And the couple are stuck
in her play world,

so she can make them
do whatever she wants.

Whoa.

My mother was... like you.

Similar issues.

And she would always say
that that's how it felt...

like she was locked in a fake world

that no one else was part of...

even though it looked exactly the same.

Yeah, I got a lot of prisons
in my life, Sir.

I got the literal one... duh.

I got the one where I'm on my meds

and I can't feel anything.
That is not so great.

Then I have the worst one...

the prison where I'm usually living in,
and there's all these people, right,

and they're talking
and talking and talking,

and they cannot agree
on what is the truth.

That's like that episode.

That's exactly right.

How's your mom?

She's fine.

I'm glad.

Thank you.

I need the dead man's keys.

Warm a girl up a little,
would ya?

I would very much like
to return your witty banter,

but I am too exhausted to be clever.

The keys.

Now.

Are you all right?

I haven't had a decent night's
sleep in weeks.

Hoping to escape to the Motel 6
down the street?

A more practical escape than that,
my friend.

How the fuck are you not
freaking out right now?

- About the panty raid?
- Yes.

- You saw that stop and frisk today.
- Mm-hmm.

They're not even looking in our direction.
And they're never going to.

We're good.

I'm playing those guards like a flute.

Like a group of flutes. Many flutes.

I'm the flutist.

Okay, I get it. You play a mean flute.

But tell me, what's gonna happen

when they stop one of the brown girls
who's wearing panties?

You think she's gonna give up Maria?

Fuck, no.
She's gonna point right at you,

because, well, it's the truth,
so she won't be lying.

And also, everyone hates you.

If they're coming for me, I will be here.

That is precisely my point.

You're just sitting. Waiting.

Chapman, make a move. Be a shark.

I am not tearing down everything
that I have built.

This business is important to me.
It gives me purpose.

Oh...

Honey bear.

See, now we come to the point
in our journey

where it's time for you

to think about someone
other than yourself.

You brought people into this.

You're responsible for us.
If you want to wear the crown,

you got to be willing
to fall on your sword.

Everything's gonna be okay.

I'm not worried.

Someone is going to go down
for this, Chapman.

And for my sake, I hope it isn't you.

When you say
that everybody hates me,

you're being a little hyperbolic, right?

I'm afraid we're gonna have to
wrap it up, ladies.

Have a good day,
and remember our theme.

- Use what you got!
- That's right.

Thank you.

- Yes. Yes.
- All right.

- See you there.
- Thank you.

Oh, lord.

Are you gonna keep dancing over there
like a little girl who has to pee,

or are you gonna come over here
and tell me what's wrong?

Look.

What's this?

That is freshly whipped butter.

And Bill puts this maldon salt
in my care package.

This is my heroin.

Now, I'm not supposed to tell anybody,
so keep quiet about it.

Here we go. Cheers.

Mmm.

Holy fuck.

This is good.

Better than a good shit in the morning.

That's my favorite thing.

Oh, sweetie,
that's everybody's favorite thing.

Don't go thinking
that makes you original.

Now, what are you moping about
around here?

Your girlfriend write to you again?

She's not my girlfriend, first of all.

Right.

I don't know. It's weird.

- I, like, care or something.
- Oh.

'Cause, normally I do not give a shit.

- Mm-hmm.
- About anything.

Especially this.

Maybe the chocolate I had was bad.

It doesn't make sense,
because she fucked up.

Man, did she fuck up.

But I knew it was bad for her,
and I got involved anyway,

and now she's worse off than before.

Really got to suck ass down there.

God, what is that,
like sympathy or something?

Mr. Luschek, I believe

that what you are referring to
is called guilt.

But I don't have anything
to feel guilty about.

Well, guilt is tricky that way.

Look, I need an honest opinion.

- Am I a piece of shit?
- You want it straight?

No.

Mm. All right. From what I've observed,

you're lazy,
you're selfish as all get-out,

you don't care about much,
you don't seem to shower that often.

But you are funny as hell.

And I think you're genuine,
which is hard to come by.

So, all in all, I think that makes you,
hmm, what?

Half a piece of shit.

But there's always time for change.

That's the thing.

There's literally nothing for me to do.

She's in max.

I can't do anything for her.

And maybe she doesn't
even deserve it,

even if I could do something.

Well, everybody deserves kindness.

Oh, god.
I really got you on that one.

"Everybody deserves kindness"?

What do you think I am,

some black granny knitting
on a porch in Savannah?

Come on.

Stop whining in my kitchen
and go figure this out.

Oh!

You are a straight white man.

You don't get to be the victim, sweetie.

Yeah, that whole thing's gonna
flip at some point, right?

Hey.

Care if I join you?

Nah, what are you doing?

You're not in a very lovey mood,
I see.

Lovey? What is that?

Is that, like, an acceptable
word where you come from?

No, hey, 'cause here in America,
yeah, that makes us barf.

Okay, well, how would you describe
the other night in the bathroom then?

'Cause the way you were
screaming my name,

it was pretty hot.

I was just doing my very best
Streetcar Named Desire impression.

"Stella!"

That's the... the Meryl Street one?

I hate it when you talk sometimes.

No, all the time.

Jesus.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Well, rough day.

I thought I told you
to stay the fuck away from me

if you were back on that shit.

You're disgusting.

Attention, inmates.

An updated facility rules
and inmate discipline list

is posted in the day room.

Heard you need a thing I have.

A religion that'll stone me
to death if I get raped?

Mm, no thanks. I'm good.

I'll go ahead and assume Bernie Madoff
speaks for your entire religion, too.

Ignorant asshole.

Now...

what you talkin' 'bout?

Inmates are to be reminded
that work-unit supervisors

must be notified of any
and duties you missed. Thank you.

Shit!

Wait a minute.

How'd you know I need that?

You make the mistake of assuming
anything is private in here.

All right. What you want for it?

Box of tampons for 15 minutes.

Oh, hell, no.

Look, I'll give you one tampon
for an hour.

That's unreasonable.

Pff! So is God, but that don't stop him.

Are you comparing yourself to God?

I mean, do you even have, like,

one teeny-tiny, itty-bitty bit
of humor left in you?

Or does your head scarf numb
that part of your brain?

Offer's off the table.

Yeah.

That's what I thought.

You know you just lost, right?

Winning, losing.

I'm so enlightened,
those words don't mean nothing to me.

I'm telling you,
you made a mistake.

I... I don't get visitors.

Hello, sunshine.

Hey, fuckwad.

Thanks for your sappy love letters.

I wanted you to know I cared.

You know, in my family,
"fuck you" meant, uh,

"you really get me," so joke's on you.

What the fuck are you doing here?

I was in the neighborhood.
Came to say hi.

Thought you could use some company.

Yeah, 'cause I'm really lonely, uh,

with my five roommates
and 400 other people

that I got to shit and eat with
on a daily basis.

Wait!

You know, you put me in a really
crappy position, Nichols.

I almost lost my job because of you.

You're shitting me right now, right?

Just give me a second to work up to it.

Look, I wanted to say that I'm sorry

that things ended up
the way that they did.

I'm sure it's not great down here.

There.

That's it.

Wow.

Are you the symbol of empathy.

No, Luschek. Things aren't great.

Let's see, uh...

I'm sober, so that's something.

Right? Like, uh, intentionally sober,

not barely-skating-by sober,
for the first time in my life.

Uh, hardest fucking thing I've ever done,

and, oh, yeah,
I picked a hell of a time to do it,

considering that anything
you want down here

is available to you less than a foot away
at practically all times.

Uh, what else? What else?
Let me catch you up.

Uh, I have no family,

Uh,
I'm completely alone.

I have no friends.

And, uh, yeah. Yeah, it's all my fault.

So, thank you for coming
all the way down here

and, uh, reminding me of all that,
while also managing

to conveniently clear
your own conscience, you know?

I fucking really appreciate it!

- Hey. Hey.
- I'm sorry.

Uh, hey, next time, do me a favor, right,
just do it the old-fashioned way

and cum all over my face
and then leave, okay?!

Fuck you!

You okay?

Does it bother you that I,
like... I never...

Nah, girl. I'm good.

But it's so one-sided.

You admitting you're a pillow princess?

Okay, what is that?

Oh.
You know, like, um,

your head's always on the pillow,

and you don't really do much else.

That's totally what I am! Ohh, no!

- See? I don't even know the lingo.
- You don't need to know the lingo.

Yeah.

Look.

We'll ease into it, okay?

All right? You don't have to do anything
you don't want to do.

You're ready when you're ready.

You taste like vagina.

So, did you figure it out yet,
you piece of shit?

Rub my nose in it.

Thanks.

What happened?

- I went to visit her.
- Mm-hmm.

Made it worse.

Well, did you make it about her?

Or did you make it about yourself?

I apologized to her.

I thought you didn't do anything wrong.

Yeah. Well... well, I didn't.

That makes my apology
even more meaningful.

Only if it's genuine.

Who made up all these rules?

Do you want me to call you
a piece of shit again?

Would that be more helpful?

I got to tell Caputo
how everything went down.

That's the only way
to get her out of there.

Won't you lose your job?

Most definitely.

That is the most idiotic plan
that I have ever heard.

Now, this is coming from a lady

who once tried to sell
her own line of ketchup.

But... Heinz is the only ketchup.

Nobody wants fancy ketchup.

Where were you in '96?

I was 14.

Oh, go fuck yourself.

Honey, you can't confess.

It's not gonna do you or her
a lick of good.

And besides, nobody ever confesses
because it's the right thing to do.

They confess out of self-interest.

Yes, exactly.

I can't keep carrying around
all this guilt.

Well, sounds like you're going
to have to, my friend.

Now, can I get me some of that?

Come on. Butterscotch is my favorite.

Mmm.

I really don't like feelings.

Ah, ah.

Puff, puff, pass.

Charleston, West Virginia.

Madison, Wisconsin.

Cheyenne, Wyoming.

Montgomery, Alabama.

You, cleaning lady.
We need a mop in room 12.

Well, I prefer Ms. Cleaning lady,
but sure.

Demean me.

Where's Burset?

Shut up and do your work,
Ms. Cleaning lady.

We need that cell.

Good morning to you, too.

What's up?

What?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey.

Y... you don't have to do that.

- But...
- Look, I... I... I don't want you

to do that 'cause you think
that's what I want.

I want you to want to do it.

You feel me?

I don't want to screw this up again.

What's... what's going on up there?

What if I never want to?

I just have all these questions,
you know?

Like, what does this mean?

What would happen if we both got out?

I... I don't know if this would
be enough for me.

You mean you don't know
if I would be enough for you.

But... no, it's not you.

You are amazing.

But you're a girl.

So you're saying you
don't want to be with me.

No.

I... I just don't know

If I'll ever be what you need me to be.

You got to let me handle that.

What do you mean?

Look, maybe... this challenges
what you thought you were.

And... maybe I'm gonna get
my heart broken

in a thousand different pieces.

But those are maybes.

You can't live your life
according to maybes.

I love you.

You do?

I love you, too.

She can see us. Move over.

Transport for court appearances

departs in 15 minutes.

I've 11 cards.

You're supposed to have 11 cards.

Okay, good.

That's good.
And then... no, this is awesome.

Hey, Alex.

Can I talk to you for a sec?

Alone?

Whatever you need to say to me,

you can say in front
of my good friend Lolly here.

That's me. I'm the good friend.

I didn't know you two were so close.

Oh, you didn't get the, uh,
friend announcement

that we sent out?

I'm kind of in a rush, but I would really
like to talk to you.

It's not laundry day.

Well, I've got a lot of dirty stuff, so...

Okay.

Cool.

What did you mean when
you said "you were right"?

Nothing. I just...

I just knew you were gonna get
swept up in all that.

Oh.

Well, they say hindsight is 20/20, so...

see you later.

Okay, that was like watching
a really bad play.

What the hell is this mess doing here?

Uh, bu... uh, we had it cleared
20 minutes ago, sir.

I left to go on rounds,

and by the time I came back,
it was up again.

- We can't keep on top of it.
- Well, take care of it.

Now.

Hey. You have a place to sleep.

Ow!

Rouse it up! You have quarters.

Who the fuck just kicked me?

Wake-up time.

- I was just...
- Get these pillows.

- Really?!
- Get these pillows.

Get these sheets folded.

- It hasn't even healed yet!
- Come on.

You don't need your own tepee.
This is a prison.

- Not a sleepover.
- Oh, shit! Yo, Warden!

- Hey, yo.
- Long time no see, man.

You know, how... how's it hanging?

Hey, looking sharp, huh?

Step back, inmate.

We have this handled, sir.

Hey, Mr. Caputo, look at this.
It's a basket I've been making.

- Want to know how?
- Sure.

I've been unraveling all the socks
that people throw away.

Individually dyeing each strand

with the pink soap in the bathroom,

or the green mush... I think it's peas...

and other stuff that's colored.

Then I took the string,
and I weaved it over trash bags.

Three-hundred hours.

It's still not done.

Yeah, idle time is the devil's workshop.

When do we get to work?

Yeah, I can't pay for nothing
at commissary.

Age discrimination.
That's what I'm calling it.

Inmates, back up.

I'll have this under control
in five minutes, sir.

I've got this.

Ladies, I have heard your complaints.

And trust me, they have not
fallen on deaf ears.

In fact, I can't tell you much yet,

but we have an exciting new
educational program

that will be announced soon.

Bringing back the GED program?

- Yeah?
- Hmm?

I think you'll all be very satisfied.

In the meantime, hang in there.

Keep your heads up, okay?

Take care of each other.

This is beautiful work.

Thanks.
and I'll believe it when I see it.

- You'll see it.
- All right, let's go.

Make a path. Let's make a path.

Ca-pu-to!

Caputo! Caputo! Caputo!

- What happened to you?
- I'm not sure.

- She's still out?
- Going on hour 19 now.

Guess she really needed to sleep.

I'm sorry, okay?

God, why is everyone
always so mad at me?

You think she's dead?

I don't like her that much,

but I wouldn't want her
to be dead or nothing.

We'd have heard if she was dead.
Ain't no secrets in this place.

But if she is dead, I call dibs

on those little glasses
she wears on a string.

I think my eyes are starting to go.

Looks like it's your lucky day, inmate.

Yo! What the fuck are you doing?

- Get off me, man.
- Yo!

- Nah, I don't think I will.
- Ouch!

We searched your bunks. Found some
interesting evidence under your bed.

Underwear evidence.

Dude, you blew the mystery.

Oh, come on. Like she doesn't
know what's under her own bunk?

What the fuck?

As I understand, Cindy,
you need a cellphone.

Abdullah, you have a cellphone.

I am sure we can reach some sort
of agreement for this problem.

Oh, the problem is she gobbling
up all my real estate

like some hateful monopoly shoe.

I am always the car in monopoly.

You know, I ain't never did shit to you
'cept claim what was rightfully mine.

They gave me a bed, I slept in it.

And ever since, you been making
this bunk an unsafe place.

See, that's funny.

'Cause I think
9 out of 10 experts would agree

that you made shit unsafe
when you put a bomb in here.

I retaliated against actions you took.

- Oh, hell no!
- Okay, ladies.

Ladies! Ladies.

Let's remember to use
"I" statements, please.

Seems like digging at the past
ain't gonna get us nowhere.

Let's try to remember to stay
focused on moving forward.

Fine.

I want in.

You can use the phone
for however long you want

if I get 25% of the payday
you get from that magazine.

- Pbht!
- Seems fair to me.

Cindy?

I don't trust her.

So?

You think people trusted L. Ron Hubbard?

Fuck no.

But that don't stop scientologists

from handing over fistfuls
of money to him.

I know!

You read Going Clear?

Of course.

How about when that crazy psycho
told his wife to kill herself

so he wouldn't have to get divorced?

I know, man! I know!

You know them fuckers
don't even pay taxes?

Oh! Girl...

and we're the criminals.

I heard that.

- Oh, I got a theory!
- What's your theory, dawg?

What if he like Tupac? Not really dead?

- Mmmm.
- Still alive?!

- Ohh!
- Alive

They're not mine.

I should hope not.

That's a lot of dirty underpants
for one girl.

In a lot of different sizes.

Yeah, I didn't do nothing.

See, that's where our perspectives
start to diverge, Ruiz.

Because the evidence says otherwise.

Come on!

Everyone knows that's Chapman's gig.

Chapman?

Who started the very task force

that uncovered your illegal operation?

I don't think so.

That's it, isn't it, right?

If I was white and blonde,

you wouldn't think so about me, either.

That's some corrupt racist bullshit
you're running 'round here.

In light of your crimes,
I will be recommending

that the judge add three to five
years to your sentence.

What?

Are you... y... y... you can't do that.

Come on, just send me to the SHU

for a couple of weeks
and get it over with.

I... it's fucking underwear!
We're not talking about drugs here! Jesus!

That would be easy, right?

Send you away for a couple weeks,
forget this ever happened.

Well, that's not how things work
around here anymore, inmate.

You stole property from a private company

and started a for-profit business.

You organized inmates.

You ask me, looks a whole lot
like gang activity.

Oh, come on!

Which you would know
a lot about, wouldn't you?

Isn't that the family business?

You know what we do
with gang leaders, Ruiz?

We make examples of them.

So get back down there
and tell your muchachas

how poor choices can ruin a life.

Maybe cry.

'Cause it's so sad.

Just say thank you,

and then get back to being
your cute, gruff self.

Excuse me?

I solved your problem.
Say thank you.

What problem?

With your little friend?

I don't understand.

Oh, honey. A little money
and a good lawyer go a long way.

Then why are you in prison?

You don't want to fuck with the I.R.S.
That's all I can tell you.

So she's really coming back?

Ugh. Don't look at me
like I am some kind of saint.

You're my only friend in here.

I was not about to let you make
some kind of stupid decision

and leave me here all by myself.

Nor could I take
your bellyaching anymore.

Two birds, one stone.

Now, get over here.

Have a seat.

I'm... I really shouldn't.

If you close that door,
nobody will know you're in here.

Haaah.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did I make it sound like you had a choice?

I took care of you.

Now you are gonna take care
of me, butterscotch.

- Stay cool.
- What's happening?

I was a shark. I made a move.

I am going to bury you.

You're never coming back from this.

Never.

What did you do?

I had to protect my people.

I had to.

You okay?

They're giving me more time.

This bitch frames me,
and they're stealing my life.

What? Over fucking panties?

Yo, my baby girl's gonna be
in kindergarten

by the time I get out of here now.

That bitch is mine.

Fuck it.

We going legit.

Fuck, yeah.

You talking about drugs?

- Yes, you idiot.
- All right.

It's about time we was for real.

I'm here about the thing.

You understand the payment?

Need your signature on this.

Nichols?

Huh.

Well, the prodigal daughter returneth.

♪ You say why you hate it
as you pry your way in ♪

♪ I need another investigative mind... ♪

Payment first.

♪ Tell me that you're injured yourself ♪

♪ And you've been healing ♪

♪ And I will see this through ♪

♪ You know me well ♪

♪ You show me hell when I'm looking ♪

♪ And here you are ♪

♪ Looking ♪

♪ I told you that ♪

♪ I'd hold you when you need it ♪

♪ And there you are ♪

♪ Looking away ♪

♪ You know me well ♪