Orange Is the New Black (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - We'll Always Have Baltimore - full transcript

Company policies lead to a shortage of critical supplies and an eventful trip to a prison convention. Piscatella starts a new anti-gang initiative.

[cell door slams]

♪ The animals the animals ♪

♪ Trapped trapped trapped
till the cage is full ♪

♪ The cage is full the day is new ♪

♪ And everyone is waiting
waiting on you ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪

♪ Think of all the roads ♪

♪ Think of all their crossings ♪

♪ Taking steps is easy ♪

♪ Standing still is hard ♪

♪ Remember all their faces ♪



♪ Remember all their voices ♪

♪ Everything is different ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

[cell door slams]

♪ And you've got time ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪

[cell door slams]

[indistinct conversations]

I've never seen it this long.

This is worse than Disneyland.

You been to Disneyland?

Eh, we'd go to this off-brand version
outside of Worcester.

For years, I thought his name
was Milton Mouse.

- That's fucked up.
- [laughs]



And Snow White had a lot of mud
in her snow,

if you know what I mean.

What's that supposed to mean,
you're out of maxi pads?

It means there's 100 new inmates,
but the same budget for inessentials.

[scoffs] You hear that?
My baby box is inessential.

You can buy tampons at commissary.

For ten bucks a box.

We make ten cents an hour.

Wait. What are we supposed to do,

use toilet paper?

I got enough tampons for this time
if I only use one a day.

Yeah. Let me know how that works out.

One time I ran out of tampons,
so I used one of those, um,

dinosaur, just-add-water sponges
for kids.

It was really fun! 'Cause it was like,

"Oh, I wonder what this will be."

- [clicks tongue] Oh! Brontosaurus rex!
- Surprise!

- Covered in baby blood.
- There ain't no brontosaurus rex.

What?

It's brontosaurus, period.

Though now they're saying
it's apatosaurus.

My five-year-old's crazy for that shit.

Hello. We are all in line here,
so you need to get to the back.

- [indistinct shouting]
- [Dixon] Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Get... hey! Hey!

- Get back here.
- [Dixon] Get up. Get up. Get up. Get up.

Respect the fucking line.

Just like fake Disneyland.

[Linda] And then you'll meet Jenny Stark.
She's basically me,

but at Corrections Corporation
and Management.

[chuckles] One year,
we switched name tags,

and for the entire panel discussion,

I was Jenny from CCM,
and she was Linda from MCC.

- [Caputo chuckles]
- It was bananas.

- [laughs]
- You go every year?

It's worth it for the swag alone.

One year,
we got these little toy jail cells

for you to put your candy in
when you're on a diet.

And then [chuckles]
Yeah... another year,

we got these nerf-style guard batons.

And so anytime anyone said
something stupid at a staff meeting,

we would just whale on them.

Until the incident with Greg's eye, but...
[both chuckle]

[cell phone ringing]

- Shit. It's my assistant.
- Oh.

What, Jefferson?

Top of the morning to you,
Mr. C... again.

I forgot to ask
if you wanted the files done

by last name or prisoner number.

Last name. Listen, Jefferson,

I'm gonna be in this conference
pretty much 24/7.

It's very immersive.

I... I'm not gonna be able to answer
every little thing.

Got it. I will hold down the fort
while you're gone.

No. Do not hold anything down.

I am not giving you power
over anything or anyone.

All you are doing is files.

You will do those until I get back.

And if by some miracle
you finish before I get back,

Sit. Quietly.

Copy that.

That's a thing people say, right?

No.

[dial tone]

Assistants.

They waste more time than they save.

You'll get the hang of delegation.
Just make sure that you fire them

every three months or so.

Even if they're good?

Especially if they're good.
I've been through 29.

You don't want them getting too essential.

I'm not sure that's the worry here.

[chuckles quietly]

[phone ringing]

♪♪

[laughs]

[sighs]

[Piscatella] How long has this been up?

Uh, only a few hours, sir.

A few hours?

Yeah. No, we're looking
for the right shade of beige

to cover it up, you know?

- Got to match the rest of the walls.
- [Piscatella] We're not house flipping.

The inmates see graffiti,
they think it's okay to vandalize, litter,

destroy property.

Oh, yeah. The broken windows theory?

Rudy Giuliani?
I mean, wasn't that disproven?

That man is a hero.

And history will acknowledge that.

Okay.

We are upping you to a pair of day

because we know
that you can handle it.

You lost more girls, huh?

Ah, trimming some of the fat, is all.

We can always find new panty cattle.

Your real problem is the Spanish.
They got momentum.

- You got to deal...
- Shh!

[Piscatella]...Puce,
or eggshell fucking white.

Cover it up now.

This is exactly the sort of thing

that escalates to drugs
and violence and gangs.

[Bayley] Yes, sir.

[woman] Hey. Hey!

Case in point.

- Hey! Hey! Knock it off!
- [women shouting]

[birds chirping]

Fuck these night shifts in the ass.

- Aw. Past your bedtime?
- Didn't say that.

After party at my place again, people.

- Chez Humps.
- I'm there.

- Me three.
- Jesus, guys, it's 9:00 A.M.

Hook up Donuts here
with a Fallujah omelet.

Maybe that'll untwist his dick.

- [laughter]
- What's a Fallujah omelet?

- [laughs]
- It's a Jager shot and a raw egg.

It's the breakfast of champions.

I'm gonna pass.

Come on, man. It's pure "bro" -tein.

Yeah, I got to stay and watch her, so...

[Dixon] Ah, I see.

You gonna dip your doughnut
in Ramos here?

Some people like their breakfast
sweet, not savory.

You know what gets me so hot?

It's when guys compare me to breakfast

and when they talk about me
like I'm not even here.

How about you call me
"That oatmeal in the front seat,"

and I'll be so yours?

Dude, she totally stepped on your balls.

- Shut up, Blake.
- [laughter]

Shut the fuck up.

[laughter continues]

[electronic dance music playing]

- [gasps] Pretty!
- Happy Friday, ladies.

I'll be back
to check on you soon, okay?

[music continues]

Be careful. Karma's a bitch.

Who's Karma... that new girl?

One more round for the thirsty gentle...

[glass breaking]
[group gasps]

You okay?

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

My boss is gonna kill me.

[man] Hey, it's just potato juice, right?

[Maritza] No. You don't understand.

[voice breaking]
He'll take it out of my paycheck,

and I have a little baby
to support and my mom.

And she can't work
on account of oldness.

- Sorry.
- [man] Come on. Don't cry.

Dudes, don't waste it.

Get off the floor, man.

There's like ten kinds of AIDS
down there.

Don't cry.
We'll pitch in for it, right, guys?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Whatever.

Sure.

Here.

[sniffles, gasps lightly]

[music continues]

What, you pull that shit every night?

It's 300 bucks. That's not bad
for a janky-ass short con.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, your boss is a friend of mine.

You want me to go stick his nose
in that puddle back there?

No. Please don't tell him.

You're not bad for an amateur.
I mean, of course the face helps.

Please. I have a little baby.

- And if I lose...
- Yeah.

Yeah, we got to get you
off the pity angle.

Go straight for the dick.

It's the better play.

So, what... what do you pull
in a good year?

Fifty-thousand.

What if I said you could
make that in an hour?

Um, I'm not a prostitute,

not even if the guy's kind of hot
in a mean-dad way.

[music continues]

What did you say your name was?

"Yess-ica."
It's like Jessica, but ethnic.

[chuckles]

[indistinct announcement over P.A.]

Normally, I'm not an ear girl,

but when Vinny told me

that he was putting
a tongue-saber in there

and he said he was swishing it around,

my chair was like a wading pool.

[both laugh]

I mean, don't get me wrong.

The first time
you have word sex, it's nice.

[Crazy Eyes] Mm.

But it's just so much better
when you really know somebody.

So, you feel like you really know him.

Sure I do.

My mom always said
she knew my dad wanted sex

when he didn't ask for seconds
at dinner. [chuckles]

My dad said
he knew my mom wanted sex

when she got me and my sister
Blockbuster Videos.

[chuckles]

I always wanted
to know someone that well.

Yeah.

Me, too.

So, your parents would
talk to you about sex?

Mine would never.

[chuckling] Oh, yeah.

The birds and the trees
and the bees... and the knees.

[chuckles]
I'm not sure if they told you that right.

Oh! Christ on a cracker!

What is it?

[groans]

Shower pooper strikes again.

Ugh. This has happened before?

Two or three times.

Well, how do you know
it's the same person?

Heft, density, hue.

It's as personal as a signature
if you think about it.

You know, that reminds me,

there was this guy in my high school
who knew how to sign his name in...

No, no, no, no, no!

Please, Suzanne, it is too early for that.

We need to catch this person
before she strikes again.

I do not even know where to start.

Well, one starts by following every angle,

examining every clue,

by seeing patterns of behavior
where no one else can see.

Until finally, you catch the pooper

in a trap of her own making.

You mean... like detectives?

♪♪

[man on P.A.] The keynote address
by Kip Carnigan

will begin at 3:00 P.M.
in the lower level...

All right. You two are all set.

- [Linda] Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

- [Caputo] Hey, thanks.
- Have fun in there.

[indistinct conversations]

Whoa.

What are these supposed to be for?

Promotional purposes.

[both chuckle]

♪♪

[man] Our prize-winning system
can detect and pinpoint

any cellphone
within a two-mile radius.

[conversations continue]

[dog whines]

- [Russ] Linda!
- [chuckles]

Saw you're on a panel, you rockstar.

Oh, Russ, it's just a panel,
not a breakout session.

- Still, it's huge.
- Thank you.

So, what's the hot booth this year?

Laser guns, but the wait is epic.

I'm gonna catch you two on the other side.

- [imitates lasers firing]
- [woman] We at R&R Ministries

- could not be more proud...
- Russ.

of our faith-based rehabilitation program,

utilizing new testament stories

to help inmates establish
a firm moral foundation.

Right. Because we should treat
them like Sunday schoolers,

not dangerous criminals.

Our fences are made from
state-of-the-art titanium alloy,

which is fireproof, plier-proof,
tamper-proof, foolproof.

We can really use some of this stuff.

[groans] Not on MCC's budget.

Think of this less as a shopping trip
and more of a brainstorming sesh.

I have enough of that in my life.

[chuckles] It's just for fun, silly.
I think it's ice cream.

It's time to enter
the 21st century, people.

The old-fashioned maxi pad
can be a budget killer.

These durable, reusable,
plastic menstruation capture cups

are a one-time expenditure
for your women's facility.

And this is safe?

[laser fires] Missed me! Ha!

Oh, it is 100% non-deadly.

Right now, the laser's on setting two...
your basic sunburn-level discomfort.

You dial that bad boy up to ten;
we're talked third-degree burns.

Ándale, ándale!

[electricity zaps]
Speedy Gonza... aah!

[laughter]

Just a little sting.

[electricity zaps]
It's nothing I can't han... Ohh! Gah!

[cheers and applause]

Nice shootin', tex.

[Kip] Well, well.

Wouldn't want to run into you
in the prison yard.

Kip Carnigan.

They couldn't find anybody else
to give the keynote this year?

Gandhi, maybe?

I heard they approached him,
but his corpse was booked solid.

- [chuckles]
- Who's your friend?

This is Joe Caputo from Litchfield.

He is the dark horse
to be the next you.

Good luck with that.

Thank you, future me.

You're a lucky man.

Oh, we're not...

[sighs] Oh, my god. Was that okay?

Did I sound normal? Was that like...

Sure. What's the big deal?

That's Kip Carnigan.
He used to be the warden over at Sitwell,

and now he is like the face
of corrections in America.

Oh, wow.

[keyboard clacking]

Okay. "Warden."

[computer beeps]
[inhales sharply]

[clicks tongue]

[keyboard clacking]

[computer beeps]

[sighs]

Jefferson, who does the purchase orders
for maxi pads and so forth?

Hmm. Uh... you might want to talk

to the V.P. of purchasing for that...

Linda... something.

Are you supposed to be on that?

Mr. Caputo wants me to make sure
his files are in order.

[radio chatter]

♪♪

[exhales heavily]

[keyboard clacking]

[computer beeps]

[computer beeps]

Ooh! [muttering happily]

[breathes deeply]

[folder thuds]

[indistinct conversations]

Psst.

It's self-defense.

That poi snorter stole our inventory.

Our problem is getting everything out.

I don't know how fucking Chapman does it.

Probably she uses her sexuality.

- Why can't we use our sexuality?
- 'Cause we're better than that.

Can't we just throw them over
the fence? It ain't that high.

They got guards up there
with guns and shit.

Plus, people saying they
watching us with drones now.

Um... anybody else?

Or we could dig a tunnel
like we El Chapo or in the movies.

- Guys, I got an idea.
- Or we can knock out a guard

and take his uniform like in the movies.

Okay, anybody got any non-movie,
non-El Chapo ideas?

Maritza's got an idea,
or she's drying out her armpits.

Seriously, guys? I have a van.

♪♪

[man] See, the hot girls stand
out front to draw people in.

She's not that hot.

You should put your hair up like hers,
Jessica. You have to blend in.

Did you know a ponytail
is like a natural facelift?

So, what's the first thing you do?

- I find my mark.
- Good.

Will his name be Mark?

Kidding!

Pick a rich guy, obviously,
old and rich, if possible.

You're looking for a guy
who's too ugly to have you

as a girlfriend
if he didn't have any money.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Wait. Catch this.

[man] "Ah, hey, baby.

Do you come with the car?"

[man 2] "Tee-hee. I've totally never
heard that joke before."

[chuckles]

Whoa.

She's giving him the head toss.

That's like two clicks away
from a blowie.

- [chuckles]
- [speaking indistinctly]

"Ooh, your wallet looks so heavy."

[man] All right, so now you have
your mark. What do you do next?

[Maritza] Take his I.D.
To the desk and get the keys.

[man] Only now instead of Judy salesgirl,
you're Mrs. Mark,

and you want to take
a test drive with your husband.

You leave his I.D., you take the keys,

and you walk the mark to the car.

If I forget to tell you guys later,

I'm having a really good time.

[man] All right, now you take
your mark on his test drive,

drop him off in front
of the dealership after,

and, bam, you drive off into the sunset.
Any questions?

What if the mark's name
happens to be Mark?

Oh, my god. Kidding!
[chuckles]

[indistinct chatter]

[chuckles]

Man, this shit better be
on fleek for ten bucks a box.

[indistinct announcement over P.A.]

Hey, you mind loaning me
one of those?

You gonna give it back after? [laughs]

Some of us can't afford
to feel the mountain mist.

Well, you know, some of us is chosen,

and some of us ain't.

Like, first, we was chosen
by little white dude with the sneakers

to sew panties for Whispers.

Then we was chosen by Hashem hisself

to eat tasty broccoli
and keep his covenant.

Mm? Mm? Mm?

I know there's something in that
covenant about generosity.

Oh, wait. Wait. Mm.
It's coming to me now.

"If there are poor among you,

do not be selfish or greedy towards them."

Uh, I think that's a Christian thing.

It's the same damn book.

You just got different prophets, is all.

Or I guess you're still waiting
for yours to show up.

Well, you ain't acting like somebody
who wants something from me.

- Purchasing.
- [woman] What department?

[slowly] Purchasing.

- What department?
- [groans]

[knock on door]
Human being. Let me speak to a human.

I'm a human.

If you'd like to connect to a county...

- Come in.
- please press one.

- You got voice-mail trouble?
- Ah, typical corporate charlie foxtrot.

This is why I don't wear a suit... this,
and my quads are too big.

Ah, don't... what...
hey, what... don't close that.

Sorry.

I'm Piper Chapman.

I don't mean to alarm you.

I never come
to the administration like this.

But I've been in Litchfield
for a while now.

And I have started to feel
unsafe lately, scared even.

The prison is changing somehow.

- Graffiti on the walls.
- I'm aware.

And I just wanted
to make sure you knew about...

let's say a cluster of girls
that I've noticed.

Do they gather
in groups of four or more?

Oh, yeah, they gather.

They are pretty much always gathering.

Have you seen them
flashing hand signals

or wearing the same colors?

I think I've seen a bunch of them
wearing red slipper socks.

[sighs]

[Piper] And I'm not exactly sure
that this is relevant,

but just so you have all the information,

these girls... share a certain heritage,

a certain noble heritage

dating all the way back
to ancient Mayan civilization.

The Latinas. Got it.

Well, I wasn't gonna say anything.

Chapman... what you're describing

is a prison gang in its infancy.

That sounds serious.

[sighing] Well not if we can prevent them
from growing and getting organized.

Thank you so much, Mr. Piscatella.

I feel safer already.

[sighs]

You know, and I really love your beard.

I've had a beard since tenth grade.

Two beards, actually... the one on my face,

and the one I took to junior prom.

Yeah. I like dudes.

I will never find you adorable.

Keep that in mind.

[indistinct chatter]

When I first started out,

I thought the best way to help an inmate

was to get involved
in his day-to-day problems.

The poor guy who was transferred
ten states away from his family.

The fella who's on
a downward spiral in seg.

But what I learned
is that to actually help them,

you have to make their lives feel full.

One time, I did the math.

I figured that, all together,
the inmates on my watch

had over 17,000 years
of time on their sentences.

- Seventeen-thousand years.
- [crowd murmurs]

That's longer than human recorded history.

Now, that is a... a hell of a lot of time

to get something accomplished,
to redeem lives.

[chuckles] I just got the goosies.

If only we can stop fixating on the days

and start thinking about the years.

[crowd murmurs, applause]

[phone ringing]

[keyboard clacking]

Oh.

[chuckles]

[Sideboob's "Workers in the Mine" playing]

♪ But no you are not forgotten ♪

♪ Though many of us were blind ♪

Oh, hell no.

♪ Thought we didn't want children ♪

[up-tempo music playing]

[squeals, chuckles]

Aww. So cute.

[indistinct conversations]

Maybe it's a real old person
and they can't help it.

No. It's not an accident.

Plus, you got to be able
to squat to poop in a shower,

and old people are bad at squatting.

Maybe they're very busy
and they're multitasking.

My sister used to brush
her teeth in the shower.

♪♪

[woman] You're takin all the hot water!

Squatter.

Aha!

[gasps] Fuck off.

Sorry.

Nice move.

So, here's the thing...
I don't think the pooper's

gonna poop at peak times.

Well, unless they're
an exhibitionist pooper...

a "poop-scibitionist."

Hmm.

Let me ask you this...

how do they start
in those detective novels?

They gather up the usual suspects,

people with criminal records.

Oh, criminal records, you say?

- [woman] Fuck off.
- Suzanne, hey, that's everyone.

True.

True, true, true.

Well, they also try to get inside
of the mind of the criminal.

Hello... Suzanne.

[groans]

That's my ex.

Oh, my goodness, she is pretty.

She could use a little more makeup,
of course.

They make it waterproof now
so you never have to take it off.

Yeah, I mean, it was good for a while,

but then she started
getting too clingy, you know,

started leaving little gifts on my pillow

like daisy chains and...

you don't think that she might be leaving
any other kinds of gifts?

No.

[slowly] No.

Suspect number one.

The game is afoot.

[indistinct announcement over P.A.]

All right. Get out of here.

[radio chatter]

All right, ladies. Up against the wall.

Oh, this is straight-up profiling.

Oh, no, no.
These are just random searches.

Get down.

- And what about her?
- [Dixon] Hands against the wall.

- [Zirconia] I didn't do nothing.
- Shut up.

[Dixon] Oh, bingo.

How many shots is that, Humps?

Many as you want.

That's just one shot for you.

Next time, bring enough for everybody.

Hey, Humphrey, how do you know
when an inmate's lying?

- How?
- She opens her mouth.

That's funny.

- Oh, hey, there, hot pants.
- You talking to me?

Well, that's your name, isn't it?

Actually, it's Mendoza.

- Oh, that wasn't a question.
- [grunts]

Better get a cavity search on that one.

She's got to be hiding something
in an ass that big.

Oh, yeah?

It helps to give them
a compliment now and then.

Boosts morale.

Don't think I'm not taking this
to your superior.

Oh, Officer Dixon answers
to Officer Dixon.

Don't we answer to Piscatella?

Jesus, McCullough,
you are such a boner killer.

[chuckles] Make sure you go deep!

♪♪

[indistinct chatter]

"Media Relations:
Turning Scandals into Scandal-ade."

- That sounds useful. Put a star by it.
- Yeah.

Uh, "Prison Healthcare Rights and Wrongs:

Taking Max to the Max."

Mnh. Eh.

"Immigration Violations:
The Next Gold Mine."

What was the last gold mine?

The war on drugs, I guess?

[chuckles]

[mid-tempo jazz music playing]

That thing he said
about making their lives full.

Feel full.

You think we can do that at Litchfield?

We can do whatever we want.

Well, I want that.

I want to give that to them.

As long as it fits in the budget.

[chuckles]

[sighs heavily]

I'm a little nervous.

- About the panel?
- Mm-hmm.

You're gonna be great.

I mean, I know purchasing
isn't a sexy topic

- like drugs or capital punishment, but...
- Don't say that.

I just am gonna be up there,
representing MCC,

and I... I really want
to knock it out of the park.

Linda, you don't even know
what you are.

You are the Mickey Mantle of MCC.

[both chuckle]

You are the Cy Young
of correctional purchasing.

Are those sports people?

Does the pope shit in the woods?

[laughs]

Oh, Joe, you're so funny.

Oh, look, "Shanks for the Memories:
A History of Prison Weapons."

[indistinct chatter]

Bye-bye, sleep mask.

Time to meet my snizz.

Think it'll stay in?

Just don't lose it up there.
That could get serious.

Well, la-di-da. Little miss 1% herself.

Hey, what are you charging
for one of those?

$5.

Guadalupe was charging a buck yesterday.

Inflation, like we back in the Bush era.

Bitch, you never left the Bush era,

judging by all that
creeping from your panties.

I'll give you three bucks.

You got it right now?

No, but I can get it to you
by the end of the week.

Don't do it. She'll charge you interest.

That's what her people do.

I know you did not just call me
a moneylender.

'Cause that right there
would be hate speech.

[Abdullah] What if we got
something to trade...

something you might really want?

No trades.

The only language this Jew here speak

is cold, hard cash.

You see, it's okay when I say it.

♪♪

[indistinct conversations]

[radio chatter]

Is anything the matter?

Gold star for you, Chapman.

Your intel was good.

Really?

- What did you find out?
- None of your concern.

Let me just say,
if you felt like assembling

a group of like-minded individuals,

reliable inmates like yourself

with an interest in keeping
this prison gang-free...

I assembled a task force once at Smith.

There was somebody
putting bubble baths

in all the fountains,
and we totally caught her.

Bubble bath.

Is that related to bath salts?

No. It's just bubbles. For baths.

It was right before parents weekend,
so the administration was really upset.

But gangs... gangs, Mr. Piscatella...

gangs are the issue here.

And I will assemble a task force
to stop them... Sir.

You really shouldn't do that
unless you're in the armed forces.

How do you know I'm not?

Won't happen again.

Mr. Piscatella, you got a minute?

- What is it, inmate?
- Gloria Mendoza.

I just thought that you should know

that some of your new guards
are stopping girls for no reason

and being extra invasive.

Yeah?

And everyone they're stopping looks like...

Like you?

Look, I didn't go
to law school or nothing,

but I know they got to be stepping
on a few civil liberties here.

You committed a crime, inmate.

So, if you want to see
who stepped on your civil liberties,

check under your own boot.

♪♪

Flaca and Maritza together again.

It's like we're back in the kitchen...

- [chuckles]
- but crime-ier.

Does it show?

Mm. It looks like you had
a big plate of pasta.

Oh, my god, I'm a fatty.

But it's for a good cause.

[sighs] Are you nervous?

It's only boys.

Once you get the blood
rushing to their dicks,

they're like your servants.

All I got to do is convince
the one guy who always watches me

to go inside and party with the others.

Then there's ten minutes before
I drive the day shift up,

ten minutes for Alonso
to grab that shit from a wheel well.

- [C.O. yelling] Off the fence!
- Shit.

- Go now.
- What?

Do it. Do it now. Trust me.

What? I don't get any love?

Well, that's a new one.

We don't get touched a lot
in here except by the lezzies.

Sometimes you need
a little human contact,

especially by an expert.

[gasps]

[inhales sharply]

Oh!

You're all set.

Hope it was as good for you
as it was for me.

Don't forget about my friend over there.

She really misses her boyfriend.

Last frisk of the day.

[car door closes]
[sighs]

[violin music playing softly]

[indistinct conversations]

Can I help you, miss?

I'm just looking for now, thanks.

So comfy.

- I'm Lucas, if you need anything.
- Thanks.

Ever drive one of these bad boys?

Uh [chuckles]
I wasted half my life driving a Saab.

My wife always said
they were safe in an accident,

but they still couldn't pull any bodies

from the car wreck of our marriage.

[both laugh]

You are bad.

Well, you see anything here you like?

Uh... Definitely.

Uh, what would you recommend?

Well, the GranTurismo is awesome,

but the GranCabrio always gives
me a special, little tingle.

- [giggles]
- The GranCabrio it is.

We're just gonna need some I.D.,
and I'll go hook you up with the keys.

♪♪

[man] How can we help you today, Mrs...?

Spencer.

My hubby and I would like to take
the GranCabrio out for a spin.

He's the one over there.

Ain't he cute?

Very distinguished.

His name's Edward.

All right, Mrs. Spencer, you are all set.

You can take the one
down in front in etruscan onyx.

Uh, "etrucks..."

between the classic obsidian
and the midnight noir.

Oh, the etruscan onyx!

Wait till you feel this transaxle layout.

A pretty lady who knows cars.

This is like a junior-high wet dream.

It's important to chase your dreams.
After you.

[sighs]

Hey, sorry I got held up.

Can't wait to tell you more
about this beauty.

[engine turns over]

♪♪

[indistinct announcement over P.A.]

That's a pretty good squat
you got there, Jefferson.

Strong knees.

Thanks?

Do you find yourself squatting

in unusual places throughout
the course of your day?

Places that people
wouldn't normally squat?

The fuck are you talking 'bout?

I have no idea.

♪♪

[exhales sharply]

[exhales sharply]

[Linda] I mean,
we have all met those CFOs

who think that purchasing
is only about cost reduction.

But it's like, hello,

haven't they ever heard
of strategic sourcing,

discount procurement,
or commodity cultivation?

[man] That's fascinating.

I'm sorry to take us into choppy waters...

- Mm-hmm.
- but how do you respond

to the critics who say
the bottom line is affecting

the prisoners' quality of life?

Well, that is a good question.

And at the end of the day,

it is a prison, not the Four Seasons.

[laughter]

Um, but all joking aside,
we at MCC have found

that the prisoners' quality of life

has actually improved with the advent of...

Why don't you tell them how
you doubled the beds, Linda?!

- [crowd murmuring]
- Uh [chuckles nervously]

As I was saying...

Or tell them about how the food
makes everyone puke.

[scoffs]

Or that Sophia Burset
is in the SHU for no reason.

Hey! That's enough.

If the gentleman is finished,
there will be a Q&A afterwards.

Yeah, I'm finished, all right.

I'm finished with a company
that refuses to acknowledge

what happens when we monetize
human beings.

I mean, do you even see yourselves?

Magic lasers and... and...
and prison ice cream.

Th... this whole thing
is a disgusting display

of how industry dollars are spent.

And I was like you a few months ago.

I used to come to this
conference every year.

- [crowd murmuring]
- And... and I never thought

about the inmates.

But I... you know,
you... maybe you're too afraid

to... to admit it, but if you just go
to my web page, Dannytalkstruth.com...

Why don't you...
why don't you come with me?

Well, I bought a ticket
like everybody else.

Hey, hey, why don't you let him go?

- He's... he's harmless.
- Don't call me harmless, but I...

- Are you... are you with him?
- I'm just trying help. Hey.

Whoa. Step back. Step back, Sir. Whoa.

[security guard 2] That's it. You're done.

Shit. I... I'm sorry.

Th... this is a misunderstanding.

I am the warden at Litchfield.

The Director of Human Activity.

It's the same fucking thing.

- [Danny] It's a small point!
- [Caputo] It's the same thing.

- [Danny] I'm sorry!
- [crowd murmuring]

'Correcti-con Assault-imore." Am I right?

[laughs]

[exhales sharply]

[radio chatter]

You sure you don't want to come with?

We have to take the day shift up
in ten minutes.

You can get pretty drunk
in ten minutes.

You want me to leave Ramos unattended?

[Dixon] Oh, bring her with.

You two can give us a little show.

We're good here. Thanks.

Aren't you kind of curious
what they do in there?

I know exactly what they do...
scratch each other's balls

and play
"Call of Duty: Guantanamo."

Can you believe this whole maxi pad thing?

I got a wad of toilet paper
so far up my hoohoo,

I'm not sure it's ever gonna come out.

And it's giving me a not-so-fresh feeling.

I got a box of tampons at my place.

You can borrow one.

- Really?
- Just make sure you return it.

- [laughs]
- [laughs]

♪♪

The torque vectoring is akin
to what you'd find at the Indy 500.

Oh, yeah, I can feel the... torque.

Four eighty-five foot-pounds of torque.

A ferrari is only 400.

You know a lot about cars.

Uh, I sure do.

Are there a lot of women in the industry?

Mm, what would you say?

Yeah, but they're mostly
glorified hood ornaments, I'm afraid.

[light laughter]

How long have you two been together?

- Me and her?
- About ten minutes. Ha!

[light laughter]

At least, it feels that way.

Time moves pretty fast.

But not as fast as one of these babies.

Hm. Do you have kids?

Yeah, two spoiled,
little monsters, 14 and 16.

From a previous marriage?

Well, I've only been married the once.

- Learned my lesson.
- I'm sorry. I thought you...

Edward's pretty tough to nail down.

But you can't blame me for trying.

Trying to close the deal, so to speak.

Uh, what about you? You have kids?

No, silly. Why would I keep that a secret?

Classic Edward. [chuckles]

Actually, it's Teddy.

Wait till you hear this sound system.

♪ Straight ahead never look back... ♪

How did you guys meet?

- Ooh, feel that bass!
- What kind of meat?!

I just love hair metal!

Meet! Where did you meet?

Can you pull over?
I think I'm gonna be sick!

♪ Rock 'n' roll ♪

♪ Rock 'n' roll made a man out of me... ♪

[coughing]

♪ Rock 'n' roll is my family ♪

- Are you gonna check on her?
- [Maritza wretches]

I was gonna ask you the same.

[gags]

[coughing]

- You okay, sweetie?
- [sighs]

[Maritza panting]

Hey, where the hell are you going?!

[Spencer] What are you doing?!

[engine revs]

So, how will you be paying?

[indistinct conversations]

You're missing an "e" in "careers."

It's "carers"...

like you care... like you give a shit.

[Sankey] "community carers"?

That sounds kind of gay.

Gay for safety, maybe.

- Gay for justice.
- Huh?

It is not gay... at least,
in the pejorative sense.

We are a group of like-minded individuals

that does not want
to see this prison overrun

by gangs and gang violence.

Don't you want that?

I do. Ow.

You need help spreading the word?

♪♪

[both laugh]

I love it here.

It's like where we met,
when you think about it.

Yeah, it was pretty romantic

when you were drooling
and dead and shit.

[both laugh]

[laughing] I'm freaking the fuck out.

Can you read me something in German?

I think it's such a pretty language.

Yeah, maybe compared to, like, American?

[chuckling] You're so weird.

Stop it. You're weird.

Let's go find... let's go find the Rilke.

Yes.

- Yes.
- [laughs]

- Turn around. It's this way.
- Mm.

- What?
- We're just gonna touch...

[laughs]

Yay. Story time.

Oh. Shh.

She's been studying all morning.

Oh, my god.

Trig... my second favorite
category in mathletics.

Lucky me.

A fairy god-chink to teach me math.

That's an offensive generalization,
although apt in this case.

Yeah, she plays the piano, too.

But I think bubble tea is disgusting,

and I never liked Hello Kitty.
She has no mouth.

Okay, the angle of elevation
of a hot-air balloon

changes from 25 degrees at 10:00 A.M.

To 60 degrees at 10:02 A.M.

Did you already figure out
the point of observation?

The fuck is she saying?

[laughs] Okay, this is gonna be fun.

But not as fun as calculus.

I mean, calculus is where math
meets poetry.

And together, they give me a brain tumor.

Okay, first you're gonna need
to find out

the tangent of 25

before we can figure out
the tangent of 60.

I'm not gonna lie.
This is kind of turning me on.

Is this the kind of thing
I can use in real life?

'Cause I'm supposed to be

a productive member of society...
or some shit.

Yeah, well, trig is very useful

in determining the distance
between celestial bodies.

You're a celestial body.

[both laugh] You're embarrassing me.

Okay, um, the upward speed
is 3.16 meters per second.

See? There you go.
That wasn't too hard, was it?

Yeah, look at me go. [chuckles]

Yeah, that's the spirit. [giggling]

[Dixon] Are we talking
about the same McCullough,

the one out there
with the resting bitch face?

Oh, yeah. Oh, she could totally be cute
if she got Princess Diary-ed.

Oh, is that like, uh... what is that?

[country-western music playing]

It's where the chick in the movie is,
like, all right,

Normal, hot-girl-actress-normal.

- Ah.
- But then straighten the hair,

take the glasses off, you fix her teeth.

- Yeah?
- Give her a couple

- of horse tranquilizers.
- There you go.

[chuckles]

Dude, you play it so smooth,
but you're the biggest dick of all of us.

Are you coming on to me?

- Yes, I am.
- It's working.

Hey, Stratman, you want my Coors?

I haven't taken a sip of it yet.

I'm sorry.
Is... is Officer Dixon pacing himself?

More room for Jager.

Oh. Sure. I guess.

[Dixon] There you go.

- Oh, fuck, man! What the fuck?!
- Oh!

Oh! Classic!

[laughs] Ah, classic.

I'm never gonna be able to unsee that.

[birds chirping]

♪♪

Hey, who's the taco?

Dude.

Yo, amigo, what are you doing here?

Hey, bro. You habla English?

[Maritza] 'Lonso!

You're supposed to trim the bushes
on Wednesday, not Tuesday.

- You know this dude?
- You guys haven't met Alonso?

He's the gardener guy.

I don't think I've ever seen him sober.

No wonder he don't know
his Tuesday from his Wednesday.

Oh, a man after my own heart.

Well, hey, bro,
if you could, uh, take care

of the weeds and shit out front,

I know me and the fellas
would really appreciate it.

We may be animals,
but we're not, you know... animals.

Uh, yes, I... I... I will do that.

Thanks.

[sighs]

[exhales sharply, gasps]

I know.

Sucks being a lady sometimes, doesn't it?

It was... it was all a knee-jerk reaction,
and I would actually blame Danny for that.

Go ahead. Tell my dad. I don't care.

Why? Why would I tell your dad?

No, I... I'm only saying,
if you did, I wouldn't care.

[Linda] Joe Caputo is with me.

Danny, telling jack that you were arrested

by a Baltimore rent-a-cop
would mean telling him

that I was arrested
by a Baltimore rent-a-cop.

So rest easy.

Your, uh, career as Norma Rae
is safe with me.

Oh. Okay. Thanks.

Of course, I can't speak for her.

[indistinct conversation]

So... Linda, huh?

I knew you were in bed with my father,

but I didn't know you were
doing it with Satan herself.

We're not doing it.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

From one Director of Human Activity
to another...

watch out for that one.

[door opens]

Okay.

[door closes]

I've convinced them
that you're no longer a threat to society.

You can leave now, Danny.

Boo! Hiss!

[door opens]

Unh-unh. Not you.

I know.
[door closes]

I... I lost my cool in there.

You should have followed MCC protocol
never to engage with a protester.

But that is not your worst offense.

You, Sir, are arrested

for chivalry in the first degree.

[handcuffs click]
[chuckling] What?

[chuckles]
Standing up for me like that.

You are full of surprises, mister.

♪♪

[Linda moaning]

And those "Karate Kid" moves.

I got more moves where that came from.

Oh, yeah? [chuckles]

Mmm. Let's see.

[exhaling heavily]

[moaning]

[gasping]

[exhales forcefully]

[chuckles]

Let me start by saying
I am so encouraged by this turnout.

I always knew that Litchfield
had a strong community of carers,

women who are willing
to keep their eyes open

for any miscreant activity,
any malfeasance.

Bad stuff.

There is a sickness sweeping this prison.

Like an STD?

A societal STD, you might say.

And we... we get to be the antibodies,

the medicated cream, I guess,
that then fights off that STD.

Whenever you are walking down the halls

and you sense a shadowy presence,

whenever the walls are tainted
with graffiti...

She said "taint."

- [chuckles]
- Shh.

What I am trying to say is...

Will you join me on a quest

to keep our hallways clean
and our hearts pure of purpose?

Piper's right, you guys.

You can't swing a cat around here lately
without hitting a dirty Dominican.

Oh, no, that's not what I meant.

Amen to that.

Yeah, we're always having
to hear about Latin pride...

- Yeah.
- ...and black pride

and Asian pride.

Wait. Asian pride?

Why can't there be such a thing
as white pride?

Yeah. We're always hearing
about how black lives matter.

Well, don't our lives matter, right?

White lives matter.

[chanting] White lives matter.

White lives matter!

[all] White lives matter!

White lives matter!

White lives matter!

White lives matter!

White lives matter!

White lives matter!

White lives matter!

White lives matter!

White lives matter!

White lives matter!

White lives matter!
White lives matter!

White lives matter!
White lives matter!

White lives matter!
White lives matter!

White lives matter!
White lives matter!

[Cabaret "Tomorow Belongs to Me"]

[chanting continues]

♪ Tomorrow belongs to me ♪

♪ Oh fatherland fatherland ♪

♪ Show us the sign ♪

♪ Your children have waited to see ♪

♪ The morning will come
when the world is mine ♪

♪ Tomorrow belongs ♪

♪ Tomorrow belongs ♪

♪ Tomorrow belongs to me ♪

♪ Tomorrow belongs ♪

♪ Tomorrow belongs ♪

♪ Tomorrow belongs to me ♪

♪ Oh fatherland fatherland
show us the sign ♪

♪ Oh fatherland fatherland
show us the sign ♪

♪ Your children have waited to see ♪

♪ The morning will come
when the world is mine ♪

♪ Tomorrow belongs ♪

♪ Tomorrow belongs... ♪

[song fades]