Orange Is the New Black (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - (Don't) Say Anything - full transcript

A new job puts Taystee close to Caputo. Lorna has to get creative in her marriage. Soso and Poussey deal with some awkward truths.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
♪ The animals the animals ♪

♪ Trapped trapped trapped
till the cage is full ♪

♪ The cage is full the day is new ♪

♪ And everyone is waiting
waiting on you ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪

♪ Think of all the roads ♪

♪ Think of all their crossings ♪

♪ Taking steps is easy ♪

♪ Standing still is hard ♪

♪ Remember all their faces ♪

♪ Remember all their voices ♪

♪ Everything is different ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪

How are we supposed
to clean the floors

with nonstop bitches tracking
they shit through?

We are like he whom the gods
have condemned

to push the boulder up the hill,
only to watch it roll back down.

Oh, right, right, right, right.

And then he has to cut his arm off
to get out from underneath it.

What is that guy's name?
Oh, James Franco.


I did hear that rumor.

You know those Hollywood types.

- They will stick it in any warm hole.
- You don't have to be from Hollywood

to want to put it in a warm place.
It's called having a dick.

No. My Vinny would never.

Well, maybe not a in a man-hole,
but you away a long time.

He could be getting his M&M meltin'
in some ho's mouth and not in his hand.


No. That's never gonna happen,

because we're talking sexy
on the phone like 24/7,

and I mean real sexy.

And I give very good phone.

Are we talking about
peanut M&M's or regular?


Inmate Jefferson,
Tasha Jefferson,

report to the warden's office.

Inmate Tasha Jefferson
to the warden's office.

Who's Tasha Jefferson?
Oh, Taystee?

Taystee, go to the warden's office.

We have a warden?

Your name's Tasha?

What is this about?

The main thing is answering the phones
and organizational... stuff.

General assisting.

I don't know.
I've never had an assistant before.

We will figure it out together.

And you swear this is legit?

'Cause I seen "Shawshank,"
and I don't want to go to seg

because I did your taxes too good.

I guarantee you,
you will never see anything

with my social security number on it.

Never say never. You work for MCC.

Maybe one day you realize
you need food stamps

and you don't know how
to fill out the forms.

Well, I'm your girl.
I can walk you through it.

But I'ma need them digits.

However, I'm a vault.

I don't say nothing,
and I ain't never crawling

through a tunnel of piss and dookie,
so rest easy.

Okay. As of now,
you're off janitorial and you're with me.

Praise Jesus.

Every day, when I'm working,
you're working.

Is this 'cause I won at job fair?


I told them bitches.

Take a clipboard. Write things down.

Look busy.


- Alert. Alert. Alert.
- What?

Healy's just showing her around.

Frieda's over there. It's all good.

Why does she get
some special garden tour

like some fancy shiba inu?

She's a celebrity, okay?

Fucking relax.

Uh, not okay.

Not... not. Really? Relax?

I think you are way too relaxed

to be in this big brown
shit-uation that we're in.

Lolly, believe me,
my insides have completely liquefied,

and I want to vomit all the time.

But I have chosen to keep
my voice low and appear calm.

- You have to do the same.
- I can't.

You have to. Look at me.

You... listen.

You have to.

Change the record in your head.

Play, "He was a bad man.

We did what we had to do,
and we did it well.

So now it's through."

It's a mantra. Say it.

We did what we had to do,
and we did it well.

You forgot the "bad man" part
and the end.

But that's the idea.

So, whenever you're feeling worried,

whenever your thoughts start to... wander,

just bring them back to the mantra.

And then come and find me, okay?

He was a bad man who did bad
things well, and now he's gone.

Got it.

He was a bad man. Now he's gone...

Now, that is one happy tomato.

I hope I do as well here.

- Hey, there's a good idea.
- Mm.

Maybe we should fertilize our women, too.

I do love
your good intentions.

Hey, Judy.



You've got quite a following.

Yeah. I was hoping the novelty
would wear off soon.

I'll have to hide myself in that corn.

Oh! Look how beautiful!

Help yourself.

Oh, all right.

Oh, really?

Free-for-all on the produce now, huh?

Regardless of who's in the club,
who's worked the soil,

pulled the weeds, tended the seedlings?

Is that the new policy?

This is Judy King.

Oh, I know who she is.

I've seen her daytime TV program.

But we haven't had the pleasure.

Mrs. King is going to be joining
your club, Red,

so I'll... I'll leave you to it.

Thank you.

I'm sure you'll find a lot in common.

Hair and... accents.

You know, my daddy used to call me Red.

Oh, really? That's sweet.

My papa called me Solnyshko.
It means "Little Sun."

But I've grown bigger and hotter
since then, and he's dead.

So, what are you going to do with that ear
now that you've picked it?

Well, I guess that depends on what else
I can find around here.

I could do a southern fried corn,

a dilled corn shooter,
Taiwanese-style street corn.

Listen to fancy pants.

I could shove it up your ass.

Mm. I'm not so big on ass play.

What do you suggest I do, Miss Red?

I'm thinking.

Can I have some seeds?

You bought Ovaltine. Reap what you sow.

Ovaltine's got vitamins.

I'll trade you Ovaltine powder
later for some seeds now.

- I'm good for it.
- No deal.

You'll regret it. That's some
malty goodness you're passing up.

Excuse me?

You knew going into this
I had bad knees.

My feet are killing me.

We are putting out a vibe.

If you are sitting and or eating
my seeds, no vibe.

Right now, there is no vibe.

See? Look at this.

All of a sudden, I'm approachable.

Picking up or dropping off?

Neither. We're out.

I gave you guys new ones yesterday.

We're hanging up our lacy intimates.

If this is because of the money
Stella took, I'm good for it.

I'll pay you back.

It's not worth it anymore.

We're smelling
the beginning of the end.

You and all your posturing,

shipping the kangaroo down the hill.

It's starting to feel dangerous.

You've even got a heavy on the payroll.

I see what you did there.

- Heavy.
- Not on purpose.

Fine. Jump ship like rats.

And I'm not talking
about the Disney/Pixar kind.

I was gonna fire one of you anyway,
but I'm not gonna say which one.

Chew on that.

We're gonna take a walk on the track.
You want to join us, kahuna?

No, she does not. She's got bad knees.

Enjoy sweating for free.

I expect all my undies still in
your possession returned post-haste.

Post-haste? Aznuts.

Do you have something to say?


But I'll wait till I'm with my friends.

Off the backboard.


Aww, man!

Short, black, and bad at basketball.
Subverting expectations since 1990.

Aww, it's okay.

Litchfield's latest lesbos. In fun-size.

Look, how much longer do you think

the world's longest game
of horse is gonna go on?

She ain't a lesbian.

I see.

Testing the waters
before diving in face-first?

I'm attracted to people, not genders.

Well, aren't you special.

Tell you what.

Why don't you use
some of that sexual fluidity

to slide off the court
so the real men can play?

Come on.

Even though I do think labeling
is a total sham,

I see the power in reclaiming an epithet,
like you guys have with "nigga."

Okay. Maybe not that, exactly.

But I really like you.

Like, really, a lot, and I just...
I want to honor your feelings, you know?

If you want to call this something, like,

we're girlfriend-girlfriend or...
lezzy togezzy.

I don't know.

How about we say we're happy?
Yeah? Leave it at that?


Oh, shit.

Hey, hi! Hi!


I'm... hey, girl.


You're... you're

It is so cute how moony you get
every time she's around.

And by cute, you mean lame as fuck?

Well, yeah. You need to pull it together.

I mean,
she's a person you admire,

- but she's still just a person.
- A person. Right.

You should be able to have
a conversation with anyone.

Hi. I'm Brook. I'm your neighbor.

I was wondering if you'd heard
about the plans

to build a Walmart at the corner
of Exposition and Euclid.

Yeah, I heard about it.

Well, I'm one of a group of citizens

trying to convince the city council

to turn that lot
into a park space instead.

I was wondering if you'd be willing

to have a friendly discussion
or maybe even sign our petition?

Sure. If you take your top off.

Okay, that is inappropriate.

Yes. Inappropriate things
do happen out there.

How would you handle it?

You really think a grown man
is gonna ask me to take my top off?

Well, there's a sex offender at, uh,
3134 10th street.

He might.

No. You do not have to go
to the sex offender's house.

No one has to knock on any door
that makes him or her feel uncomfortable,

but I do urge you all to be bold
and stretch yourself.

By the way, has everyone signed
their liability waivers?

Oh, shit.

I hear he likes little boys.

Little boy, Asian girl.
Are they really that far apart?

You said our breakup
was going to be amicable.

Yeah, I said a lot of things.
So did you, like, "I love you.

I'll always love you.
This is not because of Oren."

Wait. What?

She dumped me to get with you.

- I'm not sweet enough arm candy.
- Oh, my god!

Uh, could you kids drop
the soap opera for another time?

We're going out there this afternoon...

Need to feel like you're prepared.

Well, clearly she's not.

She can't even handle,
"take your top off."

Okay. Fifty bucks says
I get more signatures than you, Ethan.

No bet. People will sign
just to shut you up.

But here's a bet.

Get the pedo to sign,
I'll give you your 50 bucks.

Oren will go on a date with you.

- Cool?
- Uh, I'm not really in...

Okay. You are so on.

He will sign and you will give me cash

and I will spend it
on a new hemp messenger bag

and strawberry lube because Oren
seems like a strawberry kind of guy.

- Well, um...
- Great.

Now, let's talk one more time
about mirroring body language.

I'm just saying...
if you bought me a watch,

I'd be on the time better.

- The clock on the wall.
- Not in my office.

I'll put a clock in your office.

Or you could buy me a watch
so when we out of the office,

like now, I could tell you things like,
"Hey, Mr. Caputo,

we only a few minutes late
to meet Piscatella,

and you the boss, anyhow, so relax."

I will consider your watch request.

Hey, I'm just trying to make
your life better. This ain't about me.

By the way, what you want me
to do once we there?

- Take notes.
- Hold up. Hold up.

Take... notes. Got you.

Damn. This place is like
"Rehab Addict, Litchfield Edition."

and with, like, real addicts.

So, in a nutshell,

uh, electrical is still
having internet issues.

Plumbing works, but no hot water yet.

All beds and extraneous
furniture are assembled

and ready for move-in.

Now, the, uh, interior paint...

uh, inmate, what are you possibly writing

that will have any salience
past this moment in time?

Well, Mr. Caputo wants notes.

Now, I don't know what salience is,

but I think a checklist of
what's completed and what's not

is hella revelant.

You mean "rel"... relevant.

I mean I'm trying to do my job,
same as you, big man.

Are you... suggesting

that we are, in any way, on any planet,
in any universe the same, inmate?

Why don't you go check on Luschek

and the internet situation?


Let me watch you go.

Oh, you gonna watch me, watch me?

I will watch you. Go.

Oh, I'm going.

It's clearly that... time.

Look at me go.


- May I ask you a question, Mr. Caputo?
- Shoot.

How did you choose her to be
your assistant, exactly?

- Between you and me...
- Yes, sir?

She's the only semi-intelligent one
that I'm only semi-attracted to.

Well, if you'll follow me,
I'll show you the bathroom.

What are you writing?

Man, why everybody acting like
they ain't never seen

a black woman with a clipboard before?

No. It's your pen.

It's exorbitantly scratchy,
and it's giving me anxiety.

Damn, word-a-day.

I need to get me one of them calendars.

Anxiety wasn't from the calendar.
That's just me.

But... exorbitant was.

Check out these fat phone cords.

Shit, I can make so many bracelets

out the wires in one of these.

Unh-Unh. Those ain't phone cords.

They're for the internet.

And believe me,
you want some of them guards

to be able to watch they porn
and get it all out

before they on duty, so you best leave it.

So, hey, how come you don't get
to live here, Luschek?

- Because I have a home, inmate.
- Yeah?

- An entire basement to myself.
- Mm.

You got to admit, though,
it is kind of swanky.

You know, I mean,
you could fit an entire family

just right in here and still
have room for a TV,

a couple pictures of X-Rays...
home, sweet home.

Did you just say X-rays?

I did say X-rays, 'cause when
my grandmammy broke her pelvis,

all of us kids got X-rays 'cause
the doctor was really nice

and my mom was doing him
on the side.

That's funny, huh?

He literally took an entire
X-Ray of my whole skeleton.

And I hung it up on my wall
like a fancy English guy.

But it was just pictures of bones

instead of, you know, like, real bones.

Your life is grotesque.

- 'Nother big word.
- What are you even doing here?

Mr. Caputo wanted me to check up
on the internet issue.

Inmate... Scar-Neck, explain the problem.

It doesn't work.

There you go.

Hey, baby.

Yeah. I thought you were
getting home an hour ago.

Oh, I know. The traffic...

it was awful coming back from the store.

I... I think there was a wreck
or something.

Anyway, how was work? How are you?


Look. I'm sorry. I'm just in a mood.

Well, don't you worry.
You just sit right there,

and I'm gonna give you
such a nice back rub.

- Lorna...
- Mm. Ooh.

- Lorna.
- Honey, you're so tense.

I'm reaching around

and I'm feeling down
your chiseled and bumpy abs.

Oh, my goodness.

I just found your cock-a-doodle-doo,
and it's so hard.

Vinny! Hurry up!

I'm busy! All right?!

Lorna, I can't really do this today, okay?

Wh... Can you at least try?

No. My roommates... it's awkward.

Well, I'm talking about kissing crotches

in front of 50 other women,
but for you, it's awkward?

I don't know.
I thought you were into that.

Well, I...

maybe you could feel that way
about your roommates.

Don't say that.

Well, do you have a speaker?

Put me on speaker, baby.
I'll talk so nice for you and the boys.

Vinny, are you gonna help
him with his homework?

Lorna, my roommates are my parents
and my kid brother.


All right? There. Now you know.

Well, why didn't you say that before?

I mean, what kind of fantasy
is that gonna be?

You thought... you thought
you married a man, not a boy.

Look, I got to go, all right?
Gino's back from school,

and I'm gonna help him with his homework.


I think he shares a room
with his kid brother.

Does that mean no more phone-boning
in front of everybody?

Because, legit,
that shit was kind of gross.

But also hot.

I'm having mixed emotions right now.

Yeah. Me, too.

She's talking all the green beans.
I asked her not to.

Nicely, even. Ignored.

And her flunkies...
Always lurking around now.


I'm looking.

In Russia, we have a saying.

Na chuzhoy karavay rot ne razevay.

"Don't open your mouth to eat
other people's bread."

Or what?

Ask the Germans in wintertime.

- Uh, Miss Judy?
- Uh-huh.

I... I was wondering if you would
sign my cookbook.

- Of course.
- That's so nice.

Um, I'll buy one and bring it
to you when we both get out.

All right. Well, we have a date, then.

Now, thank you, ladies.
Bye-bye for now.


Hey, there. Judy King.

Oh, guilty as charged, in all respects.

That's a joke, darling.


You know, a lot of people in here
are funny without meaning to be.

I learned the hard way to hold my mirth.

Oh, well, let your mirth fly free.
I mean to be funny.

All right.

Um, actually, I was wondering

if I could speak to you about my friend.

Oh, that little retarded girl.

She's actually not... challenged at all,

which is what we're supposed to
say, not the "r" word.

Oh, uh, "R's." "F's," "L-M-N-O-P's"
and "Q's."

You know, I get in more trouble
for expanding those single-letter words,

but never "n's." Despite this drawl,
I'm brighter than that.

So, now, you were saying

about your friend who is not challenged.

Am I allowed to say "special?"

No, she's not special.

- Well, she is to me.
- Mm-Hmm.

But not euphemistically.

She's a fan, and whenever she sees you,
she freaks out.

You've got to understand.

Institutional racism traps

the most vulnerable people in our society
in this cycle of incarceration,

which, in turn,
leads to a cycle of poverty.

It makes someone like you,

someone rich and powerful and white,

virtually unapproachable.

All right. So, now,
let me get this straight.

Your friend acts like a moron around me
because she's black and poor?

- Is that right?
- Basically.

- Mm.
- Yes.

I think her mother was
a crack addict or something.

You might as well be an alien.

But... But you could bridge the divide.

The way you did.

Yeah. Exactly.

How about this;
why don't you bring her over at lunch?


It'll be like, um,

the one percent sitting
with the other one percent.

Oh, my god.

"The other one percent"
is such a good hashtag.

The New Orleans police
put out a call to...

Hi. My name is Brook.

- Look...
- And I was wondering if...

take your picture
or smash an egg in my face

or whatever you need to do

for you and your friends
to get your jollies.

- But spare me the setup, all right?
- I don't have a setup.

You know who I am?

Yeah, I do, actually.

...we are flying...

you're a member of the community

who has as much right
as any of your neighbors

to be concerned about
the big-box monstrosity

that's being proposed for the corner
of Exposition and Euclid.

I'd be happy to talk about it
with you if you have the time.

Look, I'm watching this
Hurricane Katrina stuff.

It's really intense.

The world's gonna be lousy with Katrinas

if we let mega-corporations like Walmart
carbon-bomb our planet.

You want to come in?


Yeah, I'll give you the...
the whole shpiel. Spiel.

Uh, sorry. I never know
how to pronounce that.

Uh, wait.

Um... How old are you?


Okay. Come in.

...this terrible hurricane
that came on land

with 145-mile-an-hour...

Okay. I don't know if you realize,

but the introduction
of mega-retailers like Walmart

almost invariably have a negative effect

- on property values...
- You're so nervous.

I'm not nervous.

I'm passionate
about saving local businesses

like Lola's Bloomers.

May I?

Sure. Sure.

Conservative estimates are
that there will be thousands of more cars

in the neighborhood per day
because of the construction...

It says you want to put a park in instead.

I can't live within 2,500 feet of a park.

They would literally kick me out
of my own home.


Can I talk about the elephant
in the room for a second?

I wish you wouldn't.

I look across from me,
and I don't see a monster.

I see a human being fighting to control
the animalistic parts of his brain,

true grit overcoming impulse.

Not everybody judges you.

What if I told you it was kiddie porn?

I'd... say you need support,
and I'd applaud your restraint

for finding an outlet
for your compulsions.

You will really say whatever it takes.

Well, it was a lot worse than kiddie porn.

Want to see?

No, I don't... I don't need... no.

No need.


Wait. All you did was
have sex on the beach?

Consenting adults on an empty beach.

Well, except for the creeper that
filmed it and turned us in to the cops.

- But you think that pervo got in trouble?
- That is insane.

I mean, you are such a cautionary tale.

I would be if people got the story right.

But once I had to go around, door-to-door,

announcing my status,
the rumors got started.

I don't know. It's all so fucked.


It's not like Walmart's gonna lose.


Oh... um...

Warden Caputo's office.

This is Ms. Jefferson speaking.
How may I assist you?

Is Warden Caputo available?

Uh, let me place you on a brief hold
while I go and check.


- Oh, well, you gonna call back.
- Hello? I'm still here.

Damn, you are still there.
Then why the little light go out?

Anyway, don't matter.
I ain't got him right now.

Will you please let him know
I called.

- All right. You take good care now.
- Yeah...


What? What happened?

I didn't quite get his name.

You don't know who it was?

Well, it was some brother.

Sounded like a salesman type,
if you ask me,

so I probably did you a favor there.

Oh, and then some white lady...
she called about a get-together. Mm-hmm.

It happened twice?

Jesus, Jefferson,
what am I paying you for?

Are you sure she said "get-together?"

what does that even mean?
Like... like a meeting?

Like a meeting.

Or... like a date, maybe.

You holding out on me?

You somebody's Ca-baby-boo-to?

You're on thin fucking ice, Jefferson.

Was it Linda?


It wasn't Natalie, was it?

Linda sounds more right.

Okay. Get Linda from MCC on the line.

All right.

- Press the button that says "Line 1."
- One.

- "9" and the number.
- Got you.

Uh, hello?

Yes, hello. I have Director Caputo.
I will transfer you now.


- Warden Caputo's office.
- Uh, Jefferson, I got it.

My bad! My bad!

Hello, uh, Joe?

Uh, Linda. Hi. Uh...

Jefferson, hang up your line.

- I don't want to disconnect y'all.
- Hang up the phone!

Uh, I'm still training her.

Uh, I... I got your message
about a get-together.

Oh, uh, wrong Linda, I think.

But we do need
to celebrate our victory...

All these veterans becoming guards.

Yes. Yes, we absolutely do.

Any chance you're free tonight?


Ye... yes. It's perfect.

Um... we can celebrate
and, uh, talk business?

Uh, how about... how about
La Fontana's at 8:00?

Yeah. Great.

Great. I... I'll see you tonight.

Okay. Bye.

Huh. Even the staff waits
for the bathroom now, hmm?

What can I do for you, Red?

I want to talk to you
about the King woman.

You two are hitting it off, right?

You gave her the run of my garden.
How did you think that would go?

You know, planting a flag on the moon
doesn't mean that you own it.

You're Russian.
I thought you'd appreciate that attitude.

Oh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm only concerned for her.

Respect in prison has to be earned.

I don't know about that.

You've received a lot of leeway
from staff around here.

You seem to be doing all right.

Oh, is that what this is about?
Are you punishing me?

Did you do something wrong?

I did the only reasonable thing I could.

There's no such thing
as a consensual relationship

between a prisoner and a guard.

Lorna's wedding was a bittersweet end

to a relationship that
never actually happened, Sam.

You're reading something into
this that isn't there, Reznikov.

And what goes on with Mrs. King
is none of your business.

You're pampering her.


She even gets a magazine?!

What do you want, Ruiz?

I heard about your labor dispute.
I thought maybe my friends could fill in.

This is Pidge.
You know Ouija, or she knows you.

And that's Zirconia.


I took out all my rocks before I come in

so nobody would think they was
diamonds and rip 'em out.

Plus... I don't think it's allowed.

They're all ready and willing
to join your panty party.

Can I talk to you for a sec?
Privately, please.

What are you doing?

This is not a publicly traded company.

Its very existence depends on
keeping its existence hidden.

Chill the fuck out.
I was just trying to help you.

I don't need your help.

What I need is your discretion,

and you bringing a bunch of thugs
into my house is the opposite of that.

I decide who knows about Felonious Spunk.
I decide who gets hired.

I am the prison pussy panty business.

Somebody's getting a little big
for her panties, I think.

I'm gonna choose to assume
you're talking about yourself

and take that as an apology.

You're talking shit
out a paper asshole, Chapman.

But when an actual hard-ass
bitch decides to call you on it,


Pretty sure she was talking
about herself on that last one.

It's not fair.

It is the most unfair thing
that's ever happened in this prison.

Mm, what about when Carson went
to SHU for sneezing too loud?

Or what's-her-face,
the Puerto Rican girl with the gimpy eye,

and when she got the wrong meds
by accident in the med line

and went nutso and gimped
her other eye with a spork,

and now she double gimp-eyed.

Or how about when pornstache
used to make the methheads

blow him for drugs in the mop closet?

Or the time Chapman got furlough?

I retract and redact. New statement.

It's easily the top 138 most unfair things

that has ever happened here.

- What is?
- Your new job.

My job is the bomb.

You sit at a desk all day

when you were plucked
from the most rewarding job.

I'm not saying it's on par
with all the human rights abuses in here,

but women fought for a long time to shake
the role of desk-ridden secretary.

Are you for real?

Do you get the internet?

- Do you have a mini-fridge?
- Ah!

Do you have a skeleton key
made from real human bone

that opens a door
to a world of talking animals?

Man, I got me a clipboard.

And a personal relationship
with Mr. Caputo.

Man, if George R.R. Martin
wrote about prisons,

I'd be, like, the Hand of the Warden.

Don't the hand always die
in them books?

- Ooh.
- Man, whatever, okay?

Winter is coming, bitches,
and I'm getting me a watch.

- For real?
- Yes!


I feel like she's smiling
and waving at me.

Maybe she can see dead people,

and there's one standing
right... right in front of you.

Are the hairs standing up
on the back of your neck?

I feel like I'm the dead person.

I... may have set you up
on a blind friend date.


I just talked you up.

Go. Be yourself.

- Go, P.
- Go, P.

- Let me fix your clothes.
- Get off me!


You must be Poo-see.

She called her Poo-see.

Oh, no. I'm sorry.
Did I say that wrong?

Yeah, yeah, uh, Poussey.
It's French.

Oh, French.

I was named after a great aunt

who hid pearls from the yankees
under her pendulous breasts.

Oh, and she also brewed

a famous home remedy that
supposedly cured hookworm.

Not quite so exotic.

Listen, I... I... I feel like
I need to apologize

- for just being all, like, weird and stuff.
- Uh-uh.

You know, I just...
I dig your whole thing, you know?

And I just... I watch your show so much,
so seeing you in person was just...

you know, I got all tongue-tied
and fangirl-y and stuff.

So I'd try to say words,
but when they came out my mouth,

they just sound like blah, blah...

All right. All right. Relax, darling.

Your friend has
told me the whole story.

She has got you covered.

You got to sink a hook in the keepers,
especially in this place.

- Uh-huh.
- You know, it's funny.

Me and Brook... we never
would have crossed paths.

I mean, growing up all over the world,

bouncing culture to culture with a strict,
conservative family versus, you know,

sleeping in tent cities
with a bunch of dirty hippies,

eating food out of dumpsters. Ooph.

You have been through a lot.

Uh, no, I was... I mean, it was good.

Well, I mean, it was hard, you know, like,
I guess being transient

and, uh, you know,
not really having any long-term friends,

but I do know three languages.

Mm. Wait.

You know three languages?

How does the child of a crack whore
learn three languages?

That is remarkable.

- Excuse me?
- What languages?

English, French, and German.

Did you just call my mother
a crack whore?

My mother had a Masters in Art History,
and she could barely take an aspirin.

- Excuse me?
- My dad is a major in the army.

I was supposed to go to West Point.

Guess you were expecting
just another ghetto prison rat.

Well, at least one of us lives
up to the stereotype.

What? No. Sweetheart, no.

You have snatched the taste
right out of my mouth.

I'm just parroting what your
girlfriend told me about you.

You came out of a cycle of poverty,
blah, blah, blah.

I mean, it seems to me
that you two have formed this relationship

without talking much.

Did you know I am learning Italian?

So, did Chester the Molester sign?

You owe me 50 bucks.


And you better take me out.

I can't believe you had
the balls to do it.

Whatever. He probably finger-banged
his 15-year-old girlfriend when he was 17

or something else... no big.

The sex offender lists
are full of sob stories

about people's lives being
ruined by technicalities.

You know, as a matter of fact,

he was a fucking horrible
child-molester rapist.

'Cause I'm so sure he told you that.

Yeah. 'cause he... he fucking
tried to seduce me.

He invited me in for lemonade.

And you went in?


Told me I didn't look 19.

That's when I knew I was in trouble.


He stroked my hair.

He wanted to brag,
so he showed me the newspaper article

about how he stalked this 9-year-old girl
from his church for like a year,

earning her trust,
gradually convincing her to...

well, to...


Then I was running down the street.

For your fucking bet, Ethan.

For 50 fucking dollars.

But also 'cause I...
Because I wanted to go out with you.

I really appreciate you coming
all the way down from Utica.

Sorry again I couldn't get
a seat in one of the gondolas.

No, no. It's... it's okay. This is great.

I'm really glad that you thought I called.

These new guards...

they're a... they're a big win for us...
like, us, us.

And the company, but especially us, us.

Yeah. We're not a bad team,
Linda from purchasing.

To us, Joe from Litchfield human activity,
and our continued wins.

- And to the veterans, of course.
- Of course.

♪ Happy Birthday, clappy ♪

♪ Join us as we celebrate ♪

♪ Clap your hands and dance around ♪

♪ Have a laugh and eat some cake ♪

♪ Happy Birthday Happy Birthday ♪

♪ Happy Birthday you're so great ♪




The bald guy is,
uh, one of our former guards.

A really good guy. Donaldson.

A good guy?
Who walked out in the middle

of an inmate-transfer-slash-high-profile

Yeah. I get your point.

Don't beat yourself up, Joe.

You handled that situation
like a total boss,

meant both literally
and in that hip-kid lingo way.

Jesus. He's not even a fucking waiter.

He's a busboy.


you could have lost your job

or faced prosecution,
had inmates gone missing that day.

I mean, you're concerned about these jerks
that hung you out to dry.

You're quite a guy, Joe Caputo.

There you go, Sir.
Whenever you're ready.

- Uh, do me a favor, will you?
- Mm-hmm.

- The change is yours.
- Okay.

Give a $20 to that busboy over there.

Wait till we're gone.
I don't want to make a thing of it, okay?


Hey, Mr. Caputo!

- Look, Donaldson...
- I don't need your money, Mr. Caputo.

- It's nothing. Take it. It's...
- No, this is not to help me.

This is to make you feel better
about that...

pardon my French, Miss...
Bullshit you pulled.

- Okay, Joe. Let's go.
- Bullshit I pulled?

I work three jobs. This is the good one.

O'neill... I heard he had kidney stones.

But no health insurance,

so he thought he'd power through,
wait for it to pass.

It didn't. Now he's on dialysis.

He may lose a kidney.

- Jesus.
- Yeah.

So, take your $20 and drown
your conscience in a bottle of gin

because paying me to feel better
about it ain't gonna work.


You tell O'neill
I'm sorry about his stones.

I'm also sorry you got to work here,

but I need you to understand something.

I'm sorry for you.

I don't regret firing any of you.

You walked out on the biggest day
the prison's faced in 25 fucking years.

You put the prisoners at risk,

you put your fellow C.O.'s at risk,
you put this whole town in danger.

The shit hit, and instead of moving
the fan away, you...

you... you plugged it in
and you hit "oscillate."

I was gonna make you
Captain of the Guard, Wade.


You keep the $20.

Least I could do for helping me
dodge a bullet.

I'm sorry about this.

These houses are yours to live in.

But they are prison property.

They will be treated with respect.

As long as they are treated with
respect, you will be, as well.

Okay. The warden has asked me
to do a... icebreaker event.

I will demonstrate this activity with

- McCullough, Sir.
- Okay, McCullough.

Tell me two true things
about you and one lie.

I will attempt to guess the lie.

Okay. Um...

I came to say I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Okay, please don't lock me out.

You're right to be upset.

How would you know?

You don't know anything about me, Soso.

And what? You think I'm upset
about my mom's crack abuse

or because I grew up poor, black,
and uneducated in the urban jungle?

Okay, I watched "The Wire" a lot.

- I made assumptions.
- But you spent time with me.

I mean, did you even listen
when I talked?

Like, what the fuck about me,
besides the color of my skin,

would indicate that
I'm some indigent hood rat?

I don't know.

Oh, well, it's fine. It's cool.
I'm guilty, too. I won't lie.

You know, I like the story
of the rich white hippie girl in my bed.

I've been working that on my end.

I don't want this to end.

What good is coming up here

and sitting in the lobby
every weekend gonna do?

She wants to get Sophia out,
she needs to get a lawyer

or a non-profit involved or something.

Mrs. Burset said that the prison
has tons of lawyers,

so at least coming up here
and waiting for the warden

to come out to get into his face
is something.

Michael started a Kickstarter campaign.

Kickstarter? What that mean?

Not much, usually.

There's nothing to be ashamed about.

Plenty of guys live with their parents.

Well, yeah, I mean, you know,

I'm just doing this
to save money, you know?

'Cause I could live on my own, obviously.

Obviously. I mean, very, very obviously.

It just makes the most
financial sense, you know,

for the both of us.


That's my manicotti...

always thinking of his little lasagna.


I made you something.

Fresh baked.


No, no, no. Don't say it.

You know,
even though it took a lot of time

and I had to go to the store twice,
you are worth it.


- Mmm. Still warm.
- Mmm.

My favorite.

- Peanut butter and M&Ms.
- Snickerdoodles.

- I love you.
- Oh.

And you should. I'm quite a catch.

Oh, god, you are. You so are.


I want you.

- Vinny.
- I want you.

It's our living room.

The neighbors want to look in,
that's their good luck.

I'm already unbuttoning my shirt.

My goodness. You know that I can't resist
your muscular chest.

Oh, god. My hands.
They're in your hair right now.

I'm stroking it real soft.

Till I grab a handful and pull it back.

Oh. You're such a man.

Oh, god. I'm licking your neck.

- Oh.
- Kissing your ears.

My hand is on that big mountain
in your pants,

and I am unzipping you right now.

- I'm pulling your shirt off real slow.
- No, no, no. It's a button-up.

- I'm unbuttoning it real slow.
- No, no, no, no. Tear it off.

Pulling it off. It's off.
The buttons are everywhere.

They're everywhere. Oh, my god.

My mouth... my mouth
is on those big titties.

My nipples are so hard right now.

Oh, my cock. Oh, my god.
My cock is really hard.

- I know, baby.
- No, it's really hard, like, right now.

- It's really hard.
- I know.

- Oh.
- Vinny, Vinny. Put it inside me.

Oh, my god. It's in you.

Oh, it's in you.

- Ooh.
- Oh, my god. It's in you.

It feels so good.

You're so wet. You are so wet.

- I actually am. I'm so wet right now.
- You are so wet. I know.

Do it to me.

Oh, I'm doing it. I'm doing it.

- Don't stop.
- Don't stop.

Don't stop. Don't stop.

Oh, my god.

- Oh, baby.
- Oh, my god.



He's humping the table.

- Oh.
- Oh.

What the hell?

Hey. Hey. Stay right here.
Stay looking at me, all right?

Jesus Christ.

Don't think I don't see you.

Pleasure, as always.

Also, I want to talk to you
about something.

If this is about last week,
I don't get to control my flow.

I think it's all the stress
of all these new bitches in here.

I know these last few weeks
have had their challenges.

So... I wanted to say thank you.
And keep up the good work.

Your morale is important to me.

Oh. That's so sweet.

- Ovaltine?
- It's to make chocolate milk.

Pretty much only Chinese people
drink it now,

which is probably why it's at commissary,
but it's really good.

So, it's chocolate powder
for my powdered milk?

It's got vitamins.


See? New bitches.

Why are they always staring

like they're waiting
for a donkey show to start?

I don't think they're staring at you.
They were following us earlier.

And you didn't say anything?

People can stare. It's a free country.

Not in prison.

See, this is what I'm talking about.

I bet your Bloody Mary
gonna come early, too.



You okay?

No. You?


You want to talk about it?

Not really.


But have you ever heard
the phrase "paper asshole"?


Ruiz said it to me.

I think I pissed off the Dominicans.


You run the Litchfield panty company,
not the Sinaloa Drug Cartel.

No one's stitching your face
to a soccer ball.

See you around, Pipes.

What's this?

I know what is is, pendeja.

What's it doing out? It's contraband.

Whoops. I need to be more careful.

Yeah, you do. A few drops
of that falls into the food,

and this whole prison would be
shitting their brains out.

Really? I had no idea.

She acts so tough,
but to stress-eat this food?

The poor woman.

Oh, you evil Russian bitch.

What can I say? I do a lot with a little.


No! No!

What the fuck? That's my toilet paper.


I talk a lot.

I babble until I find something
the person I'm with is interested in.

And I'll say anything I can
to get them to like me.

But I really, really like you.

The real you.

You don't know the real me.

But I want to.

So in, like, a minute,
I'm gonna put down this radio,

and I'm gonna listen to you tell me
about yourself.

And I'm not gonna try to rewrite
your story in my head.

And then, when you're done,
I'd like to tell you about myself.

And some of it will be
embarrassing and ugly,

but mostly boring.

And then, maybe afterwards,

we could, like,
quiz each other or something?


Yeah, it... it's not a presumption
about you liking rap.

It's just AM 700 "The O.G."
Is the only station that comes in clear.

Jackson, North Carolina.

Is that where you were born?

No. That's where
my great-grandmother was born.

Stuffed crust
should have revolutionized pizza,

- but it was just a fad.
- Man, nah. It's the same thing.

- Man, it is not the same thing!
- Okay.

'Cause that's Italian. This is Mexican.

You got a stuffed tortilla,

and you stuff that with more stuff.

Man, it's my golden ticket,

and I'm gonna do it right
with that business savvy and shit.

- Ooh, ri-ki-ki-ki.
- Hey, hey, hey! You hear that?

What is that?

Wow, look at that.

That's a drone.

- It's a drone.
- Oh, shit.

What's it doing here
like we some Iraqi wedding.

Man, come on. We're gonna be late.

He was a bad man,
and we did good things.

He did bad things,
and we killed him good.

No. We did bad.

No! We did well.

Hey. Have you seen Whitehill?

Yeah. I forgot the garden needed turning.

If Rikerson comes back,
just tell him where we went, okay?


- Lolly, Lolly. Shh.
- Listen, listen. They know. They know.

They found you.

We have to move the body.

Shut up. We cannot move the body.

There's drones.

Stop it, Lolly.

We cannot move it.

If I told you I already moved it,
would it calm you down?

Maybe for a minute.

Good. 'Cause I did.

Now scat.

You didn't actually move it?

Hell, no. And I'm not about to.

We're gonna have to kill her.

♪ Bitch please you must
have a mental disease ♪

♪ Assume the position and get
back down on your knees ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ And you don't really
wanna fuck with me ♪

♪ Only nigga that I trust is me ♪

♪ Fuck around and make me
bust this heat ♪

♪ That's the devil
they always wanna dance ♪

♪ And you don't really
wanna fuck with me ♪

♪ Only nigga that I trust is me ♪

♪ Fuck around and make me
bust this heat ♪

♪ That's the devil they always
wanna dance ♪

♪ Oh no Big Slim-dogg ♪

♪ Eighty-pound balls
dick six-inch long ♪

♪ Back up in the heezy baby ♪

- ♪ He's shady ♪
- ♪ He's so crazy ♪

♪ Give me the mike let me recite ♪

♪ Till Timothy White pickets outside ♪

♪ The Interscope offices every night ♪

♪ What if he's right I'm just a criminal ♪

♪ Makin' a living off
of the world's misery ♪

♪ What in the world gives me
the right to say what I like ♪

♪ And walk around flippin' the bird
livin' the urban life ♪

♪ Like a white kid from the 'burbs? ♪

♪ Dreamin' at night of screamin' at mom,
schemin' to leave ♪

♪ Run away from home
and grow to be as evil as me ♪

♪ And you don't really
wanna fuck with me ♪

♪ Only nigga that I trust is me ♪

♪ Fuck around and make me
bust this heat ♪

♪ That's the devil
they always wanna dance ♪