Orange Is the New Black (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - Tongue-Tied - full transcript

Norma's healing powers draw more believers. Piper creates a new business venture. Caputo breaks in new hires.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
The wrong place
for that, my friend.

Have you seen my towel?

- I'm starving.
- Yeah, me too.

Hey, Norma.

Morning, Norma.

Hey. Norma.

Can I get my morning blessing?

You know... the little
arm-squeeze thing you do.

Hits the spot.



Yo, Norma.

I know you got the magic.

Banfield says she brushed
against you in the cafeteria,

and when you touched her wart,
it fell off the next day.

So I got this letter
I'm sending to my guy, Rodney.

And I'm gonna need you
to hocus-pocus it.

You know, I hear he got
this new girlfriend, Leslie.

Oh, and I don't need you
to hex her or nothing like that,

'cause, you know,
that would be crazy.

Or would it?
I don't know.

You know, it would be great,

if you could hex Leslie.

That's it?

Oh, I felt that!


Goosies on my arms!

Look at my arm hair!

Oh, that is some spooky shit!

Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much!

Spooky shit!

Are you a good witch
or a bad witch?

Two types of sexual harassment

are generally recognized...

quid pro quo
and hostile work environment.

"quid pro quo" means
"something for something."

For instance, a manager

promises to give you
a promotion

in exchange
for some sexual favor.

Hostile work environment...

- ...this type...
- Question.

- Hostile environment?
- Yes.

It's a prison.

Uh, we are referring to

to a co-worker's
unwanted flirting,

sexually suggestive looks,

shoulder massages,
back-scratching, uh...

...any, uh, behavior
that a reasonable person

would deem inappropriate.

Using offensive
or degrading names,

such as "honey,"
"sweetie," "baby"...

- Daddy-mack.
- Cuddly wuddly.

Sugar tits.

Come on!
How old are you?

- Sorry, sir.
- No, really. How old are you?

- Twenty-one, sir.
- Wow.

Yeah. My birthday
was actually last Tuesday.

I had my first amaretto sour.

Good for you.

Now lose the junior high school

and act like a fucking person.

- Yes, sir.
- And the rest of you,

set an example for the new COs

and show some respect
to George over here.

That's actually Tim from HR.

Who's George?

George is PR.

Is PR the same as marketing?

Debra's marketing.

Welcome to the corporate maze.

Sorry for the rigamarole.

It'd be nice if it also
covered inmate relations,

being this is a female prison.

- Completely agree.
- But, uh, hey.

Anything to get folks thinking
about appropriate behavior.

We've had some incidents
in the past.

Oh, you wouldn't believe
some of the cases we've had.

Just employees sexting and
porn on their work computers,

masturbating in the office.

Just disgusting.

- Disgusting!
- Yeah, disgusting.

Don't you think
the people buying these panties

would feel weird if they knew
a bunch of felons made them?

They'd probably think
that shit was hot.

Yeah. They should put
that shit on the tag,

"Made in federal."

Dudes would be
into polyester grannies

if they knew they came from a
bunch of bisnatches behind bars.

You know, when I was in Chicago,

this guy asked me for
my dirty underwear.

- To wear?
- To sniff.

Oh. Yeah, that's a thing.
Panty sniffers.

In Tokyo, they have vending machines.

You can buy
dirty schoolgirl panties

for, like... I don't know...
10,000 yen.

What that is in real money?

- It's like 80 bucks.
- Huh.

One of my old boyfriends
was obsessed with noses.

Always trying to suck on mine.

It left a very confusing hickey.

I can't believe that's a thing.

Man, everything is a thing.

Like them people who like
to fuck in animal costumes.

- Fumes.
- Or those guys

who are really
into My Little Pony.

- Bronies.
- Look at you, Google.

What are you,
some kind of fetish fangirl?

That's the thing with the internet.

Nobody's a freak no more.

It used to be all these weirdos
sitting alone in their houses,

jerking it to bugs or falling
in love with their toasters,

feeling all creepy and sad.

Now all they got to do is log on

and find a same-minded
toaster-loving peep,

and, like, barn.

Suddenly shit
be perfectly normal.

Now, you could be
into cannibalism

or like being tickled.

It don't matter.

Somebody out there
gonna like what you like.

I sewed the leg shut again!


How do you even do that?

Man, whatever!
This about to be a headband.


Check it. Check it.


That's official
whispers merchandise.

If you make any more mistakes,

we're gonna take the full
retail price out of your pay.

Oh, what is that?

Like, 100 hours of work
for 25 cents of fabric?

Zip it, Hayes, or that's a shot.
This is not coffee hour.

And there are plenty of bodies
in here that would be happy

to fill those seats.

What am I supposed to do
with you?

You're the boss.
You tell me.

I don't know how you talked
your way back in here.

You're like a Somali pirate.

Trying to get
that ladder hooked.

But I got the whole fucking
Coast Guard watching you.

You see these girls?

They're mine.

Don't you try nothing.

The evil eye goes both ways.

I'm only happy to be back.

You gonna be happy sweeping
the floor, washing dishes?

Because there's no way I'm
gonna let you handle a knife.

Probably wise.

Go help Norma.

That peeler is pretty sharp, too.

And no funny business.
Got it?

I am watching my back, Red.

Yes, boss.

All right, everybody!
Come on!

I got to get this shit prepped
before 10:00.

10:00? First lunch block
isn't till 11:00.

Well, Benny's coming.

I'm not gonna make my kid
drive up here for two hours

to sit with him
for five minutes.

He should come a different time.

Hitchhikers can't be choosers.

Sophia's wife can't drive him
later, and she's my ride.

You know,
if you boil them first,

you can slide the skin off
with your hands.

I taught you that.


Twelve years we've been
in this kitchen together.

We're a good team, hmm?

Thank you, Norma.

Prisoner maintenance detail

to the shower room.

I want everything to be better.

I want everything to be happier.

I keep doing the same thing
over and over again,

which, to me,
is the definition of insanity.

Welcome, sister.

Have a seat.

Join us.

As I was saying, you're all here

because you're interested
in transformation,

and you're asking yourself,
"Do I feel happy?

Do I feel good enough?

Do I feel out of control?"

- Far out.
- Yeah.

"Lonely? Afraid?

- Why do I hate myself?"
- Choice words.

Well, this self
that you speak of,

it's not a fixed object.

That's a story
that we're telling, right?

- Right on.
- If you want to change the self,

you got to change the story.

Because the desire to transform,

the thing
that brought you here today,

means you've already begun
to change.

- Right?
- Yeah.

I'm not here
to save you, children.

I'm just a bearded guy
in white pants.

They call me Guru Mack
because I'm a teacher.

And I can teach you
how to change your story.

Sister sad eyes.

What brings you to us today?

Don't be shy.
You're among friends.

Everybody here is a searcher.

What is the story
that you are telling?



Okay, okay, okay.
I got it.

I feel your spirit.

You don't ever have to speak
with me.

I hear you.

Stay with us.

I'm glad you're here.

I can't let you perform this
in class.

Oh, it's not a solo piece.

I'm gonna cast the other parts.

Of course, I play Edwina.

I know she has freckles
and a more ample bosom than I,

but I think
we can use our imaginations.

How do I put this

This piece of writing

It's pornographic.

No, it's erotically inclined.

"His purple love muscle"?

"Her three holes opened,

ready to be explored
by his swollen pangolin."

I don't even know
what a pangolin is.

It's a mammal with scales.

And in this context, it's...

Okay, yeah. I got it.
This was not the assignment.

You asked us
to use our imagination.

I asked you to reimagine
a primary life experience,

not write a kinky sex fantasy
set in space.

It's not just sex.

It's love.

It's two people connecting,

with four other people...
and aliens.


- But it's just--
- It's inappropriate,

and I can't support it.

That's final.

Whoa, whoa!
What's going on?

I'm stupid!

She said it's dirty, and
it's wrong, and she hated it.

Hated what?

Your story?

You've been working
so hard, too.

Come on, now!

Because one person
doesn't like it?

You know, Stephen King
got rejected a bazillion times

before anybody
looked at his shit.

Fucking J.K. Rowling!

Some punk-ass publisher
read "Harry fucking Potter"

and was like... "Nope."

Now, I haven't read this yet,

but knowing that wacky brain
of yours...

...l'm sure
it's got to be mad interesting.

She said it was vulgar.

Okay. You really did, uh...
go there.

Look, Berdie is just trying
to protect her stupid-ass class.

Chang got to do her scene,

and it's all heads chopping off
and organs coming up.

That's because this is America.

Violence is all good and fine, but sex?

Lord, no! Okay?

Don't let her stop you, Suzanne.

You got to keep writing.

So, this is
different categories.

- Mm-hmm.
- Who you're gonna marry,

what car you're gonna drive, and
how many kids you're gonna have.

Are you telling me
you've never played Mash before?

Not since I was 12.

I remember that.

Tells your future, right?

Mansion, apartment...
shack, house! Yes!


You draw your spiral.

And then you count your lines.

And you get your magic number.

And there it is...
your whole life.

Oh. Yeah.

I always ended up
living in the shack.

probably lived in a mansion.

- In the game or in real life?
- In real life.

Oh, no.
It was hardly a mansion.

How many bathrooms?

Four? Or five.

There was a half bath
off the playroom.

The playroom?

It was a good-sized house.


- Did you have a maid?
- No.


I was very lonely as a child.

Do you hear yourself sometimes?

Like, when you speak?


Hey, y'all, tell me these
kosher meals ain't delicious.

This broccoli?
Still got crunch.

Yo, y'all got to keep
y'all voices down.

Y'all get the noodles, yo?
Mine had noodles!

Would y'all shut the hell up?

Man, why you shushing me?

You keep running your mouth,
everyone's gonna start asking.

- So?
- Then they're gonna find out

none of us are actually Jewish,

and none of us gonna get them!

How they know I ain't Jewish?

Man, how come Jews only get
to eat this deliciousness?

Man, stop shushing me!

That's the eye shush,

and the eye shush
is just as bad as regular shush.

One, two, three, four, five.

So you're gonna marry Gustav,

and you're gonna be living
in an apartment... Maui...

...With 13 kids.

And you're gonna be driving,
you know, a Toyota Corolla.


Gustav... is that the Romanian?

Yeah. He's... he's very nice.

He's not the world's
greatest speller,

but English
is not his first language.

Thirteen kids in an apartment?
That is gonna be tight.

Well, you're gonna be
living in Maui,

most of your time outside.

I thought
I was gonna marry Ralph.

But he's so into firearms.

I guess that could be dangerous,
with all the little ones around.

- Right?
- Ralph's the fatty?

No. No. The fatty
is into Japanese cartoons.

He has these dreamy eyes.

You find the good in everyone.

- It's a lovely quality.
- Lovely.

She's scamming creeps
for commissary money.

I mean, that is
what you're doing, isn't it?

They are lonely!

They just need somebody
to listen to them.

It's not like I got
something better to do.

I think that women's prison

feeds into the whole '70s
exploitation fantasy for men.

It's like we're all in Chained
Heat or Cell Block Sisters,

and all we do is have
lesbian sex and strip searches

and naked catfights
in the shower.

We also do other things.

Who cares if it's a fantasy?

They get what they want.

I get to make a buck.

Everybody wins!

What are those?

They were gonna be a gift
for you, but I have an idea.

Bear with me,
Because it's, uh... sounds kind of crazy.


You may think that I stole these
from Whispers,

but technically...

...l didn't...

because I made them
from material

they were just gonna throw away,

so I repurposed trash,

and there's no official crime
happening here.

You are such a good girl.

These are the second pair
I've made with no one noticing.

If I could get
some people helping me,

I could have
a pretty healthy supply,

and rumor has it
there are guys out there

that like sniffing
dirty underwear,

and I think that they would be
extra interested

if they came from lady felons.

We are sitting...
on... a gold mine!

We have captive women,
and we have underwear.

All we need to do
is recruit a bunch of girls

with super-stinky tutus

and then figure out a way
to get the used goods

out there
to the freaks who want them.

No. It sounds nuts,
doesn't it?

It made sense in my head.

- Are you kidding?
- What?

This is fucking brilliant.

- This is your duty belt.
- "Duty."

it contains a walkie, cuffs,
expandable baton,

sterile gloves,
and pepper spray.


These are not toys.

They are a last resort.

If an inmate is not responding
to a reasonable command

and needs to be subdued,

I will demonstrate the proper
subjugation technique.

CO Rikerson, if you please.

The goal is to use
your opponent's own weight

and inertia against her.

Now, let us imagine
this is a diminutive lady inmate

and not, uh, Dont'a Hightower
over here.

Don't hurt me, buddy, huh?

I will use a combination
joint locking technique

to take my opponent
to the ground.

The inmate is angry.

Maybe she goes to grab me
or push me. Please.

Trap her hand against my chest
with my right hand,

turn the wrist, apply an arm bar

with my left hand
just above the elbow,

and as I pivot...

...easily taking my attacker
to the ground.

God, that hurt!

- That really hurt.
- Sorry.

Shit, man!
I need my inhaler.

Where's my inhaler?

As you can see,

I have, uh, effectively
neutralized the prisoner.

Great. Great,
well done, Jackie Chan.

Thank you for that.

You guys should
read through those manuals

and keep practicing
this karate business.

It seems very effective.

We're not done.

May I speak with you
for a minute?

Practice with your partners.

CO Donaldson, take over.

All right, COs,
line up with your inmates.

Let's get started.
Half speed, no takedowns.

But when you feel comfortable,
take it to the ground.

All right.


Give me your best shot.

It's Sikowitz.

Like "psycho."

Oh, we'll see about that.

I'm not afraid of you... donuts.

Stop calling me that.

I know you bribed your way
in here. What did it take?

Half a dozen jellies
and a cruller, huh?

Hey, Joe. We're not paying
these guys to do PE.

They need 40 hours of training.

We need to be able to assess
their physical efficiency...

...teach them
how to convey an order.

That sounds like
on-the-job stuff to me.

I can't send a bunch
of untrained COs out there.

You're not.

You're partnering them
with experienced guards

and calling it
an apprenticeship.

There is an art to this.

The proper levels of assertion.

How to communicate verbally
and non-verbally.

That's why we have the manual.

They are not gonna read that.

Yes, really.

See what I did there?

Communicated with you
nonverbally. No training here.

Let's get them working.


All right.

Your mother never taught you
how to reheat dinner rolls?

My mother taught me
to pluck my eyebrows

and to duct-tape
my tits together.


I told you that you needed
to clean these steamers

between every meal.

- That's some nasty shit.
- You know what's nasty?

The cabbage that's been in there
for two days.

You are a pain in my ass...
the both of you.

If you fill them
with warm sudsy--

No, no. No chiming in. What, you think
I don't know how to run my kitchen?

All right, Maria.
You're in charge

while I take my visitation.

You're gonna leave me here
with these clowns?

Try not to fuck it all up, huh?

It's good to see you
back in here, Gina.

Hey, Red. We've come
to see Norma, actually.

A bunch of us were wondering

if you would meet with us
in a group.

My wiccan circle's
getting weird.

Protchnick keeps rubbing
the energy ball on her cooter,

and who wants to touch it
after that? You know, so...

I think we would all benefit

from some energetic time with you.

What are you babbling about?

Norma's a healer.
She has powers.

You believe this?

She's performing miracles, Red.

Everyone's talking about it.

We booked
some time in the chapel,

and we were hoping
to meet tomorrow.

What is she... your priest?

The poor woman doesn't speak,

so she can't tell you
to fuck off, but I can.

She doesn't want to listen

to all your snively
little problems.

Do you, Norma?

Be careful.
She can hex you.

You think she's
some kind of magical mute?

There's no way
she's comfortable with this.

Are you, Norma?

Go. Get out of here.

Gina, you know better.
Stop listening

- to this basket case.
- We're gonna talk.


Are they hounding you all time?

These women are desperate
for anything to believe in.

Looking to you to guide them

when you can't even
guide yourself.

Norma, put the drink in first
and then the sandwich.

You're squishing all of them.

There you go.


Guru Mack is our teacher.

Our teacher is our father.

Our father is our God.

Our God is our light...

...the sky, the sun, the heart.

My children,
today we open our hearts

to this woman, Norma Moon,

as I join her in marriage

with body, with speech,
and with mind.

Norma Moon, on this blessed day,

I take you as my wife,
my partner, and my light.

I join my heart to your heart,

and my soul to your soul,

and my flesh to your flesh.

And I vow to honor you
in this life

and on many astral planes to come.

I am yours.

So rad.

Kirsa Rain, on this blessed day,

I take you as my wife,
my partner, and my light.

And I join my heart
to your heart,

my soul to your soul,

and my flesh to your flesh.

Silver Tree, on this blessed day,
I take you as my wife.

This is getting weird.

I never should have signed over
the pink slip to my Volvo.

I join my heart to your heart,

my soul to your soul,

and my flesh to your flesh.

Keep an eye out for contact.

Obviously, if they're
playing basketball,

there's gonna be
some hands and shoulders.

But any intimacy, call it off.

- No touching.
- Right.

And don't ever let them
suck you into an argument.

Don't get emotional.

One of my training sergeants told me,
"lf it feels good, don't say it."

De-escalate the situation.

Got it.

Right. Okay?

Keep an eye
on this Uno game over here.

Make sure they're not gambling.

So, we'll have six extra pair.

Whoa. Hey.


I know you?

Yeah. Chicago.

Urn... sorry.


That is weird.

You know,
she didn't have glasses before,

so maybe
she was blind in Chicago?

Oh, that thing
happened in the yard.

I wonder
if she's still mad at me.

She was with us in Chicago?

- What is she doing here?
- Well, anyway... okay.

How many girls do we need?

Only a few to start.

We don't know
if we have any customers.

And how many days do you think
it's gonna take to get them... pungent?

- Three.
- Okay.

That seems like a lot.
If it's you, I don't know. Two?

What? Why?

You have a strong brew.


It's not a bad thing.

Some people just have
more presence than others.

Are you gonna be wearing them?

- Me? No.
- Okay.

I can't deal with the thought

of dudes
inhaling my dried excretions.

No. I will stick to being
the brains, not the bajingo.

- All right.
- Okay.

We need a mule
to carry them out of here.

Yes. Panty mule.

Someone gullible...

...and insecure enough to be
flattered that you picked them.

For the record,
I was not gullible.

I was trusting...

...and perhaps
a little... inhibited.

You had a flimsy sense of self.

You dressed head to toe
in Urban Outfitters.

There's got to be
a joker in this bunch

who needs a few extra bucks
and some warm fuzzies.

- That's the one.
- Where?

I bet he doesn't even shave yet.

- That guy?
- He's like a Gerber baby.

What makes you think
that we can trust him?

Believe me, that kid is a bug.

He'll piss off the other COs
soon enough,

and then
he'll be looking for friends.

So, you tell me
how this is gonna work.

"Hi, Gerber.

How do you feel about
marching past security

with a bunch of dirty panties
shoved down your pants?"

See? This is
why I will handle this part.

Because you have no nuance.

Oh, yeah!
Got you now!

Uno, motherfucker!

You cheating bitch!
Those ain't the rules.

You draw two and lose a turn.

Are you saying I don't know Uno?

I'm saying you're sitting on cards
and you're a dumb, cheating bitch.

- Fuck you, bitch!
- Hey! Freeze!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!


Oh, my God!
He's fucking insane!

He's perfect.

This is unreadable.

- What is it?
- Suzanne's erotica.

It's worse than Fifty Shades.

Not possible. How many times
she use the word "geez"?

It's fucking gross.

She's got a sentence
that goes on a whole paragraph

about some lady's clit
that turns into a caterpillar.

Two new chapters!

I eagerly await your thoughts,
madam editor.

Peruse at your leisure.

I ain't perusing shit.

Well, shit. Let me see it.

You can't blame her for wanting
an escape, all right?

It's lonely as fuck in here.

"The admiral thrusts his pork
sword into her squish mitten"?

Oh, shit!

What the fuck was that?!

You assess the situation,

and you respond with
the appropriate level of force.

And you never, ever, ever
discharge your weapon

unless it's
absolutely necessary!

And if you do and that weapon
happens to be pepper spray,

you better damn well
make sure you're upwind.

You are
a trigger-happy knucklehead

who just got out of diapers.

But you,
how could you let this happen?

Sir, with all due respect,
I'm not a nanny.

No. You are an officer
with 20-plus years' experience.

And your job
was to impart some wisdom

on fucking Baby Huey over here.

Well, this is what happens
when you put

untrained officers in gen pop.

You don't think I know that?!
I fucking know that!

Really, I should be
firing your ass.

- I know.
- But it's your first day.

So I'm gonna chalk this up
to mental retardation.

If you so much as look

at an inmate wrong in the next
week, you're out of here.

Take the stupid
fucking name tag off.

Now go.

Get your asses down in medical
and get an eyewash.

And read
the stupid fucking manuals!

I hate fractions!

- I ain't never gonna use it.
- Oh, yeah?

What about when the recipe
calls for you to double it

and you got
to add a cup and 1/4?

You're gonna have to know how to
add those two quarters together.

When I'm a prison cook?

All right.
Let's do number five.

"In Debra's class, 3/8
of the students have brown hair.

Of the students with brown hair,
half have brown eyes.

What fraction of the students
in Debra's class

have both brown hair
and brown eyes?"

Fuck Debra.

Right in her brown eye.

Baby. Come on.
You got to graduate.

This is fifth-grader math.

I mean, I don't understand it
either, okay?

we can figure this out.

All you got to do is get a

Psst. Yo, Mike.

- "You want a bag?"
- "No, man. She's not that ugly."

What does that mean, "a bag"?

You selling weed again?

It's part of a joke.

What joke?

You wouldn't get it.

So, you guys
really getting along, huh?

Oh, yeah. They've been giggling
for the last two hours.

He is fucking hilarious.


Benny said "fuck" in the car
like four times.

- You didn't say anything.
- Benny doesn't live in our house.

- This is censorship.
- Michael.

Fuck that.

- I'm not a fucking baby.
- Knock it off.

Does he talk like this
around the pastor?

This just started.

Well, cut it out.

I'm serious.

Fuckity fuck, fuck, fuck.

Mendoza... they need you
back in the kitchen.

- I'm with my son.
- It's an emergency.

Ramos cut her finger off.


Well, tell them to handle it.

Are you
in charge of the kitchen?

Let's go.

Your kid can wait in the lobby.

Sorry, baby.


Neri wants a baby.

One day she's ranting
about how irresponsible it is

to put more people
on the planet,

and now suddenly
she's clocking her ovulation

and welding a nursery mobile

that, frankly,
between you and me,

looks very sharp and dangerous.

Well, maybe you guys
should go for it.

I think you'd be great parents.

You would... be...

...memorable parents.

I got to get my shit together, Pipes.

We're still living
with Carol and Bill,

and the layers of taupe
are getting to me.

And suddenly everyone
and their mother's got a job.

Even Bloomer, now that Polly's
whipping him into shape.

No, no, no. No. Stop.
No Larry.

He has a job? As what?

He's a regional editor
for Zagat.

He's got an office
and everything.


Look, all I'm saying is,
times are a-changin',

and I need to work.

I have work for you.


Could you build me a website?

It could be
something very simple,

like a Wordpress template
or something.

Why do you need a website?

No one even follows
your blog anymore.

I'm starting
a used-panty business.

There are people who like
to sniff dirty underwear.

Oh, I know.

There's a lot of sites.

You've got yourself
some competition.

Well, how much do they go for?

Like 25 bucks a pop,
but the longer the wear,

the more you can tack on,

and there's, like,
a lot of special categories,

like "worn to the gym"
or "masturbated in," "peed in."

- What about "been to prison"?
- Oh, yeah.

You could definitely
charge more for that.

Pregnant ladies
are a big thing, too.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I think it's because
maybe they smell different.

You know, Neri smells different,

and she's just talking
about getting pregnant.

Wait. Are you really gonna start
a whole criminal enterprise

- from behind bars?
- It's not drugs.

It's underwear.

I like your spirit.

I-I am concerned
that you know all of this.

I'm a generalist.

MCC appreciates
your honest feedback.

Hey. Chapman.

- Yeah?
- Thank you.

You think that growing up with
all that money was good for you?

- In what way?
- Like, did being a rich person

make you better?

I bet you had, like,
ballet, music lessons,

and shit like that.

Ballet, yeah. Yeah.

And I did play the flute
for two years.

Although "play"
is a very strong word.

There's this flute face
that I could never...

I never quite got right.

Okay. So...'s a better life
when you have money.

A lot of people expect it

to fill some sort of
emotional hole,

and all it really does
is buy stuff.

but what's wrong with stuff?

Stuff is good.

Especially when stuff is food
or a roof over your head.

You know, there was this study

that said
money does buy happiness,

up to $75,000 a year.

But after that,
increasing your income

doesn't make you any happier.

Seventy-five grand is a lot.

Yeah, no. I guess.
I guess it is.

Are you worried about...


Love is
the most important thing.

Yeah, but money helps.

Money does help.

But you know what?

We both ended up here.

All right. Thanks.

Hey, Dayanara.

What size panties do you wear?


Any Jew-y movies in here? Shit.

Ain't all movies Jew-y?

Like Fiddler on the Roof
or some shit like that.

You know,
half of them don't even play.

Oh, shit.

I got to get ahead
of this thing.

Come and try to bust me for
not being the real Jew deal...

I got to throw some knowledge
back at them.

Well, look, shouldn't you be
reading... what's it called?

The... the Jewish bible.

No! I'm going
for the Jewish experience.

You feel me?
Get all cultural on them.

Should be mad convincing.

I need some, like...
Seinfeld episodes.

Oh! Ka-ching!
Check it out!

Woody fucking Allen!

Now, that's some Jew shit
right there.

Look, come on. You really think
they're gonna test us?

And if they do, you think
Woody Allen is gonna save you?

Oh, mark my words...
they're gonna test us.

Y'all gonna be looking
real stupid,

but when they come for us,
I'm gonna be ready.

Yo, Suzanne.

I've been reading your story.


who does Edwina choose...

or Space Admiral Rodcocker?

I haven't decided yet.

You can't leave me hanging here.

- Okay. Well, technically...
- Okay.

...they're not even
in the same timeline.

Admiral is in the future,
Gilead is in the past,

and Edwina...
she can move through time,

but only in one direction.

Yeah. See?
Don't nobody care about that.

They just want to get off.

You know?

So, you liked it?

You know,
it's weird as fuck, right?

But it just... it sucked me in.

You know?

I just got to kick back
with some bootleg

and just escape from this place.

I even lost track of time
reading it.

Or I blacked out.

Look, either way,
this shit is hot!

Just don't leave a bitch
with blue balls.

You know what I'm saying?

- Yes.
- Huh?

- Yes.
- You got me.

All right.

Get to writing!

Hey, Joe.

I heard about the little
incident out in the yard.

The kid panicked.

- Watch the plant.
- Right.

He wasn't ready.

And, you know, inmates can sue
over things like that.

There was a case in Maine.

You were right.

It's my bad.

Thank you.

That's not how we do things.

- It's dangerous.
- I hear you. What do you want?

Another two-hour class
to go over procedure?

I want a proper 40-hour
training period.

How about we split
the difference? Six hours?

I'll take what I can get.

Joe, I'm doing my best
to work the system,

but there's gonna be
a lot of changes around here,

and I need you
to be open-minded.

We got a whole new plan
for the kitchen, work details,

a whole bunch of stuff.

It's actually
in your packet here, and...

...just when... whenever you...

- I'm not gonna read those.
- Okay.

What do you do here?

What do you mean?

What's your official title?

I'm the Director
of Human Activity.

What does that even mean?

That sounds like God.


- No, I guess it does.
- I have to be honest.

This whole corporate
structure thing, I...

I find it confusing.

It's actually really simple.

So, here.
You mind if I...

So, you got the...
board, right?

And then you got the CEO.

You got the CFO.

You got the various departments.

And then here's me, here's you.

See? We're on the same level.

You don't seem to have to check
with me to do anything.

Because it actually flows
this way...

...through me... to you.

So you're... you're my boss.

We're on the same level.

It's just the flow... this way.

You're basically the warden.

No, no. 'cause that position
doesn't even exist.

No, but it's what you are.

I mean, if you are my boss,
then... you're a warden.

No, no.
We don't call it that.

- I'm the...
- Director of Human Activity.

It's a shame.

You were really
helping people, Norma.

We still have that time
in the chapel.

What are we supposed to do,
meet without you?

Yeah, yeah.

Your attention, please.

Sign-ups are available
for recovery meetings.

Check the bulletin board.

No, I'm fine. Maybe later.
My back is acting up.

You're sweet, my friend.

Thank you.

The pain is moving around.

It travels from my back,
down my arms.

Sometimes in my hips.

Lower, Norma.

There, there, there, there.

Makes my joints tense
being there,

watching her strut around
like it's hers.

Those tacos have no idea
what they're doing.

I'm meant to be in charge, Norma.

Oh. Of who... you?
No. I'm your friend.

Your bossy friend,
but still your friend.

There was this time when Vasily
was only six months old.

I had to leave him with
my sister-in-law for a week.

We thought Yuri had the measles.

When I came to get him,

he cried and reached for her
instead of me,

like she was his mother.

I know it sounds crazy,
but I have that same feeling now.

That kitchen is my baby.

Is this the thing you do?

The magic?

Well, stop it.
I'm not comfortable with that.

Come on, Norma.

Let's get back
to the real thing.

What is that?

What's the point?

We don't have any members.

And even if they wanted to come,
where would we gather?

What? Along the side
of the fucking highway?

What next, rest-stop bathrooms?

All those wives,
and I'm left with you,

my one true believer.

So much for sacred vows.

No way I'm going down on those
trumped-up bullshit charges.

Those girls were there
of their own accord.

And since when is tithing
against the law?

We got to get off the grid,

get back to the woods,
commune with Gaia.


Oh, you fucking piece of shit!

Come on!

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Oh, fuck!

You bitch!

You bitch, you bitch, you bitch!

Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!

Come on!


God damn it!


One kick if you want money.

Two kicks if you want to live
on 149th with Grandma.

How about I give you three kicks
if you don't shut the fuck up?

You're taking advice
from a fucking fetus now?


You trust a stupid little fetus
more than me.

I'm just trying to do
the right thing.

This is the right thing.

What happens
when you get out of here

and you can't even live
in public housing

'cause you got a record?

And you got to pull change out
of a sofa for a $1 meal?

Why do you think I've been
in a bad mood for 24 years?

You've had your good days.

Name one.

My 17th birthday.

You took me to the day spa.

We sat in the hot pool.

We made fun of the lady
with the big-ass mole.

And we got our toes done.

I was so happy that day.

Because Cesar
gave me a fistful of cash.

You liked me
because I was buying you things.


You were nice to me.

Most of the time,
you were such a bitch.

Maybe I wouldn't have been
a bitch if we had money.

All I ever wanted
was to spend time with you.

You were stupid to want me.

Kids are dumb.

You got to make decisions
for them.

You're gonna put a kid
in a car seat,

and they're gonna scream
and scream.

You're not gonna take them out

and put them on your lap,
are you?

You used to make Emilio
ride in the trunk.

That's not the point.

Imagine you had
some really rich family

who could really provide
for you.

You probably would be
a famous artist right now

instead of in here.

You keep that baby,
you're being selfish.

I had to remake
200 dinners from scratch

because the tip
of your fucking pinkie

was floating around
the stew somewhere.

If you were gonna chop
your finger off,

you couldn't do it
away from my food?

I'm having a hard day.

Why weren't you watching her?

I can't do nothing with stupid.

How am I supposed to be
a mother to my son

when my prison kids
keep fucking it up?!

You could start
with your language.

Excuse me. What?

Maybe try not to curse so much...

...or at least
tell your son not to.

At least not around my Michael.

What are you talking about?

My son has never cursed before,

and one ride with your kid,

and suddenly it's,
"fuck this, fuck that."

He's 15.
So what he says "fuck"?

We don't talk like that
in our house.

You think my son
is your son's problem?

Tell Benny to cool it with
the dirty jokes and language.

That is,
if he wants to keep his ride.

Carajo! Fuck me!

Somebody keeps leaving the
handle over the fucking burner!

- Shit.
- Mendoza.

What's this I hear about
Ramos cutting her finger off?

It was just the tip
of her pinkie.

I would have been here, I would
have cut her head off, too.

Well, why weren't you here?

Your work duty takes priority.

We have entrusted you
with a huge responsibility,

and that means
you can't take off

whenever you get a visitor
or a headache.

You know
what gives me a headache?

This job.

I got to be there for my son,
because he needs a mother.

I didn't ask for this shit.

You know
that my ankles are swollen?

I got calluses.

And then my hair...

...smells like canola oil!

I fucking hate this place!

I quit!

You can't quit.

This is prison.

And there's nobody else to do it.



Give it to her.

I'm done.

She wants this so bad?

Let her have it!


Okay, Reznikov.

You're up. Enjoy.

Attention, inmates.

Remember, MCC is here to
provide you with a safe environment.

You know... you can cut an extra
one from that piece of fabric.

I don't want them.

Well, you could wear them
until they're really dirty

and then give them to me.

Okay, Chapman.

No. No.
It's not for me.

They're to, urn...

...they're to sell
to creepy dudes.

Why would I want to do that?

Because I'm asking you.

This is
official Whispers merchandise.

Piper, right?


Oh, you're the murderer!

No. It's a long story,
but it's fine.

She's fine.
She probably was the person

who took you on a tour
when you first got here.

I didn't kill her.

- Oh. The little wiry one.
- Yeah.

you should have killed her.

But it's nice to see you, man!

We're a long way from Chicago.

You know, I actually wanted
to apologize to you...

...about Chicago.

I should have stepped in
when that woman jumped you.

What? Come on.
What you gonna do about that?

You supposed to get your ass
beat over some stranger?

Come on.
That's all right.

That's kind of
what I was thinking.

Don't worry about it.

Oh. And...
how great is this place?

Dude. I fucking love it here.

Um, I am the kosher meal,

Hey. No.
I was next.

Are you?

Smooth like butter.

You, Captain Four Fingers.

Get those green beans
off the burner

while they're still green.

Norma, where's that corn bread?

You've lost your speed, woman.
Let's go.

You're leaving a snail trail
on my floor.

You're gonna put up with that?


Check on the line.

Make sure
those trays aren't cold.

I saw that evil eye.

I just... want to be a crow.

Why can't I be a crow?

I am a speck in the universe.

A miserable speck.

Why are you still here, Norma?

Why are you following me?

After all these years?


Run away, like the rest of them.

They were right...
I'm a fraud.

I'm a false prophet, Norma.

I'm not your god.

You have wasted your life
on a worthless man.

Human. Not special.

Not honest, not good.

And now I'm old.

And you are old and childless...

...and poor and damned.

You're never gonna leave, are you?

Because you are a slave.

A meek little servant.

And you'll never be anything else.

And if I didn't tell you
where to go and what to do,

you would have no self at all.


Silent nothing...
worshiping nothing!

Speak, woman.

Fucking speak!

You won't, will you?

And you know why?

Because you have nothing to say!

S-s-s-s-s-son of a b-b-bitch!

To a meal well done.

You have embraced
your new general with dignity.

Not really,
but you did well, anyway.

I toast you all.

Ladies, get ready to thank me.

What is this?

The wave of the future.

Prepackaged ...

...boil-in-the-bag meals.

Your lives just got
a hell of a lot easier.

Dump these babies
in the steamer...

...and call it a day.

Tell me this is a joke.


It was a memo
from Jeffrey in Food Services

and Linda in Purchasing.

You didn't think
I'd put you in charge

if you actually had any power,
did you?

She's not gonna come.

Maybe we should take turns
leading a prayer circle.

Or we could just keep meeting
with her one-on-one.

But I thought the whole point
of this was to organize.

I told you!

What did I tell you?

Nonbelievers, all of you!

Nobody ever listens to me.

What is she doing?

Oh, that felt good.

Oh, thank you.

I could feel that in my fingers.

Oh, my gosh.
I feel like I'm glowing.

Am I glowing?