Orange Is the New Black (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Ching Chong Chang - full transcript
Regime change isn't going over well the staff, but Red makes it work for her. Lorna finds a new way to meet men. Chang shows her private side.
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If I get the maple bacon,
that's kinda Paleo, right?
Only if you killed it
yourself with a crossbow.
You should try the red velvet. It's new.
Oh, jeez.
Do I look like an idiot to you?
No.
You think you can squeeze
an extra dollar out of me
because it's, like, "Ooh, trendy,
it looks like its bleeding"?
No, in your heart of hearts,
you know as well as I do,
red velvet is bullshit.
It tastes like Play-Doh.
It is not velvety.
And the only thing that's good
about it is the cream cheese frosting
which is meant to live on top of
carrot cake, like God intended.
Okay, panda. We hear you.
Red velvet isn't a thing.
Red velvet can go to hell.
You give me two Long Johns and a jelly.
Well, I'll be fucked.
What happened?
Mind your own beeswax, Donuts.
Oh, you kidding me?
If I was a lesser person, I
would say, "I told you so."
All right, here we are.
Welcome to Litchfield,
two-point-nothing.
So recently, we did go
from, uh, public to private,
which is quite a relief.
God bless free market
America of the United States.
"Free market"?
Yeah, I worked the night shift
at Sam's Club a while back
and they used to lock us in.
Well, it was probably
for your own protection.
Yeah, it didn't feel like that.
Well, look... you kidding me?
The government socialists are clearly
so far up your butt crack about equality,
when, in code, it's all about just
giving the darker people free shit.
It's all about private corporation
because they really look after us.
And you get religious freedom.
- Yeah, I'm not that religious.
- No? Well, that's too bad.
'Cause if you were a Christian,
you could tell everybody what to do,
and then they do it so they
don't hurt your feelings,
because that's against the law.
Come on.
Okay, so this right here
is Mr. Healy's office.
He's one of the counselors.
Now, some of the girls, they
like the black one better, okay?
But, listen...
He brings snacks sometimes
and he's kind of a silver fox.
Down here, we've got
visitation. Down here, okay?
Your family is allowed
to come and see you,
but if they never do...
that's probably just
'cause they're too busy.
But they still care about you. For sure.
For sure.
This place is amazing.
All right, this is still
prison and all, right?
There's no need to
jump off the deep end.
We got off the van,
like, five minutes ago,
and I haven't heard anybody screaming.
And the walls are so clean.
Yeah, and we just got
new mattresses, too.
Yes. This here is Chang.
Chang!
So, she works in the
commissary. She don't talk much.
Ching Chong Chang!
Fuck you, cracker.
She loves when I do that.
How's life in the panty mill?
Uh, yesterday, we learned
everything about sewing,
including how to serge with a rolled hem
and use a zigzag stitch.
I don't really know what any of it
means, so today's gonna be awesome.
What...
How's grounds crew treating you?
The instructions are pretty clear.
Dig. Rake. Schlep.
Uh-huh.
It's fine. And it's outside.
Anything is better than being
stuck down in that sweaty basement
with the fucking puppets
from The Dark Crystal.
I'm thirsty just looking at her.
Well, you should see
what she does with pepper.
Hey, lesbians.
My eyes squinty, but ears work fine.
Let's go.
I'm sorry.
- I laugh when I see something super weird.
- Alex! Alex!
How did she get a whole box of salt?
He should be here any minute now.
Is he bringing his checkbook?
Between her plane ticket and bus fare
to Beijing, I'm in for almost a grand.
Flight reimbursement
is included in the deal.
What if I don't like him?
Then you can go back to Hebei
Province and grow potatoes.
Don't say anything stupid.
Is this a joke?
Welcome to our family, Mr. Sun.
My sister and I are
so pleased to meet you.
You promised me a beautiful girl.
I never actually said "beautiful."
You said she had "pleasing attributes."
And I'm sure she does.
My sister's a good
cook. And very thrifty.
So am I.
And I paid to find a wife,
not a squatty peasant who
still smells like sheep shit.
Call me when you want to get serious.
We had a deal! Son of a bitch.
What do we do now?
I don't want to go back to China.
I can't take care of her.
Do you have any idea how much she eats?
Business has been terrible.
You must know someone
else who needs a wife.
I'm only as good as the product.
If you don't have the looks,
you at least need charm.
How about finding someone less picky?
It's not like this
guy was on the A-list.
What am I going to do?
I could help you in the shop.
You owe me eight hundred dollars.
That was the scene
just a few minutes ago
outside this Lower Manhattan courthouse,
where culinary celebrity Judy King
was arraigned on charges of tax
evasion. According to authorities...
I never liked this woman.
She puts cream in her
carbonara. It's vulgar.
What are you writing?
It's for drama workshop.
It's about my emotionally
manipulative asshat of a mother
and all the times she betrayed me.
I'm thinking at the end,
I could run her over
with a riding lawnmower.
Shred the bitch.
Oh, that's beautiful, honey.
You can watch your cartoons later.
It's the grown-ups' time now, honey.
Hey, Red. I hear you
got family in Queens.
What about them?
I was wondering if your husband could
give my son a ride up here sometime?
I'll trade you whatever.
I've asked everyone, but...
Dmitri won't be visiting anymore.
Oh, shit. I'm sorry.
He's a worthless mushroom of a man.
I've known a few of those.
Maybe we should give up and be gay.
We got the haircuts.
There an angle in this
place you ain't workin'?
Watch and learn, Mendoza.
The food lady from the TV got arrested!
- Wait, what? Oh, shit, is it Nigella?
- Mmm-mmm.
- The trashy one?
- Mmm-mmm.
- The snotty one?
- Mmm-mmm.
Ooh, it's the one with the plantation
kinda vibe goin' on, but in a fun way?
Yes!
- Yes! Had something to do with her taxes.
- Yeah, Judy King!
There was microphones everywhere.
And they almost stuck one in her ear.
Oh, Lord, if you're really out there,
please, please, please
let her come to Litchfield.
Please, please, please.
Um...
What?
I think your laundry might be alive.
Nah, that's that furry alkie
been stealing my jail juice!
Yeah, I caught it this morning.
I'll turn that punk into a hat.
What?
Okay. We gonna have to talk.
What?
So, stations one and two,
you will be at the cutting tables
this morning cutting patterns.
And then everyone else can
start assembling the pieces.
We will switch out after
lunch to avoid fatigue.
Look sharp, ladies. It's up to us to
help the lovers of the world get it on!
That's enough, DeMarco.
Come on, Donaldson. Live a little, huh?
Cut it out, okay?
This shit's right up my alley.
Sewed all my kids'
clothes until high school.
I bet they loved that.
Man, somehow my khakis be
feelin' extra khaki right now.
Oh, come on, Gonzales.
Looks are superficial.
Everybody knows it's about talent,
originality, a sense of humor...
What do you think it's
like to be her in real life?
Mmm, she eats pills and ice
cream, and cries at night.
And she cuts herself, but on
her scalp so no one can see.
So, it's still better than our lives.
I would be her in a second.
White bitches, white
bitches... All right, check it.
How many pages you think it is
before they put in a token blackie?
And how dark is she, scale
of one to Grace Jones?
All right, 14 and four.
All right, 14 and four. Let's find out.
- So close. Here she is, page 11.
- Oh, man!
- Man, but that's not too bad.
- Mmm-hmm.
But she, like, a two.
- The bitch got blue eyes.
- Yeah, true.
But, damn, look at her abs, though.
I know, right?
So I jump out the window.
I fall two floors, I land
on the awning, I slide off.
I grab the delivery boy's bicycle,
and I'm outta there. I'm gone.
And that is how I pull off
the biggest jewel heist
in Chandler, Arizona.
I gotta say, you are the
cutest gunslinger I've ever met.
Thank you so much.
And I do love guns.
I mean, the old ones...
and the newer ones.
I'm saving up for a 1962 Remington 700.
That's the year they came out.
Push-feed action,
3.2-millisecond lock time.
Ooh! Just hearing you talk about that
makes me want to go
out and shoot something.
Now you're making me sad.
You're never gonna be able
to buy a gun again, are you?
What?
As a convicted felon,
you can't own a gun.
Oh, right.
Right!
That is terrible, isn't it?
I mean, that should
be a fundamental right.
Like freedom of speech, right?
I mean, what is
happening to our country?
It's the fall of Rome.
Don't even get me started on Rome.
I've never written to an inmate
before. I didn't know what to expect.
But you're... great.
You're great, too.
Can I come see you again?
I think that would be fine.
Did you think we weren't gonna find out?
I never found out. Nobody said
a damn word to me about an ad.
All due respect, sir, but
I am gonna have to call
a massive amount of bullshit on that.
My kid's got asthma, and out of pocket,
her inhaler costs like $300 a month.
I could get heroin for cheaper.
- I understand.
- Do you?
'Cause it seems like the only job
you saved around here was your own.
You're still full-time. You
still have health insurance.
You think that's what this is about, huh?
I got mine, now I'm gonna cut you loose?
It doesn't not look like that, does it?
I guess we can put the couch on
Airbnb to pay for your wrist surgery.
Listen to me.
Even if I didn't give two
shits about you clowns,
which is not the case,
I would still want to fix this
just to get you off my jock.
I promise you.
I think that was his way of
saying he cares what happens to us.
Exactly.
If you care about us, you should say it.
Say you care about us.
No.
Say you love us.
What? We're family in here.
You love us and you're
gonna turn this thing around.
Say it.
I...
I love you.
That's more like it.
Hi, I would like a kosher meal, please.
We got beef, noodles and peas.
It's a religious thing.
Which means Uncle Sam says you
gotta provide it when asked for.
That's actually true.
Well, we don't have it.
Kosher's in extra deep freeze.
Where it's been for months
because nobody ever asked for it
when they were eating tasty,
nutritious Russian fusion.
But now...
this is what it's come to.
Some tweaker wants kosher.
We don't got enough to deal with
around here, now we got Jews?
La Red says it's in the back.
This actually looks pretty good.
No noodles. All peas.
- You want cake?
- Just peas. Two milk.
Food is to be eaten in the cafeteria.
Yeah, totally. I'm just
running out real quick.
- I'm gonna come right back.
- Really?
Or are you going to stash that
cake in your locker for later
and then pretend you don't know
why there are roaches in B-Dorm?
My dreams make me hungry.
You know what sucks?
Belonging to a race that doesn't
commit enough low-value crimes
to be relevant in a place like this.
Where's my big, Asian prison family?
You Scottish.
Not to white people I'm not.
One drop of ethnic blood and bam!
I'm basically made in China,
like you and my toothbrush.
You Scottish.
Seven million people in New York City
and none of them in my shop.
Maybe we could start doing
foot massages or something.
Shit, you're right.
Just like the three actual
massage places on this block.
You're a marketing wizard.
Okay, we've got two boxes of dried
sea cucumber and a box of deer antlers.
Really nice this time,
from New Zealand.
And?
Where's my special delivery?
We had a little setback.
That idiot Zhang Bo got himself busted.
I need this stuff, Deng.
You think I make money on
fucking chrysanthemum tea?
I have six people waiting on bear bile.
The cops are all over the neighborhood,
stopping anyone suspicious.
Your gall bladders are sitting
with 300 Gs worth of rhino horn
in a storage unit in Flushing
and we can't touch them.
Look, this will blow over.
We wait a few months...
A few months? No.
Take Mei.
Have her carry it.
This is no job for a woman.
It's a job for this woman.
The whole time we've been talking,
she was standing right there.
You never even looked at her.
She's invisible.
I can do it.
Come on, man. God damn.
Ugh.
God damn it!
There's a one-legged chick out there
that's gonna be real grateful for that.
Man, ain't you plannin' on
doing any sewin' while you here?
I'll get to it. I'm like
the Flash with this shit.
What page you gotta get to
before you see a Spanish girl?
If you're talkin' about Latinas,
there's, like, 20 different
countries that all look different.
See this blond chick?
She could be Latina.
- We don't know.
- Let me see.
- Nah, she probably ain't though.
- No, probably not.
Man, I gotta start running or something.
Yeah, I ran all the time and
boys just thought I was weird.
It's all Photoshopped anyway.
Special lighting, tape and shit.
We're chasing an unachievable standard.
I ain't chasin' nothin'.
I'm a strong black woman,
and we got a different standard
of beauty in our community.
- Not true.
- Excuse me?
- Beyonc?.
- Uh-uh. Don't you say nothin' about Bey.
She ain't out there with her nappy
hair and her plus-size dashiki, okay?
She playing a white girl game.
And she winnin'.
Winnin'! And you provin'
my point exactly, Morticia.
There are hella ways for
black women to be beautiful.
- A white girl, though...
- Mmm-hmm.
They just gotta be skinny.
Ouch!
Jesus H! That's the third time.
Did you ever wear anything
like this, back in your day?
- "In my day"?
- Mmm-hmm.
That's kind of insulting.
Sorry.
In my day, I wore fuck all.
You've either got to do it, or not.
"Get to the banging."
- Mmm.
- That's my philosophy.
You know, I kinda like lingerie.
I think it's less about
seducing someone else
and more about feeling sexy yourself.
I mean, I know it's ridiculous.
But when it's not being
ridiculous, I think...
I think it can make you feel...
powerful.
What?
You should hear yourself.
It's like, "Help! I'm a skinny hot girl",
but I need a little something
extra to make me feel sexy."
If you knew me, you would know
I am definitely not the hot girl.
"Help!
The burden of my genetic perfection,
it's so heavy and so unfair."
Genes are genes and they do not
take away from my God-given right
to look in the mirror and
feel shitty about my thighs.
You're tall and blond, and
your legs are up to your neck.
Relax, enjoy it.
I double majored in communications
and comparative literature.
Of course you did.
Why are Betties always going on
about how nerdy they really are?
It's like, just fuckin'
own it, you know?
Like when rich people
pretend they're not rich.
Exactly.
Maybe it's because Betties get
treated like they're... stupid.
Well, then, don't be stupid.
Women.
And you don't consider yourself
a member of that category?
I do.
But only because my options are limited.
So I dive out the
window. I fall two floors.
I land splat on the awning.
Jump down, grab the delivery
guy's bicycle and scram.
And that is how I became
the most wanted arsonist
in Winter Park, Florida.
Shit, that is intense.
Well, you know, life is intense.
Sometimes you need an escape route.
Well, I guess that's
why we both love anime.
Right! Who doesn't need
a break from reality?
My prison reality. Your
suburban Connecticut reality.
Oh, last year I got into
such a huge fight at the Expo.
Some dude's like,
"If you got a horn on your
head, you can't be Pegasus.
Pegasus isn't a unicorn."
And I'm like, "In Sailor
Moon he is, bitch!"
That shit got crazy.
Oh, what a bitch!
Yeah. What's your favorite anime?
Oh, it's very obscure, you
probably haven't heard of it.
It's this animal-human hybrid thing.
It's by an artist named Dayanara
Diaz. It's really out there.
I'll have to check it out.
I like you, Lorna.
And I like you, too, Ron.
I'll be honest with you, the last
girl I met in this prison pen pal thing
turned out to be... a little heavier.
And... I don't go for that.
But you've got a normal BMI
and a very symmetrical face.
Oh, stop.
MCC appreciates your honest feedback.
We strive for excellence. Thank you.
So now you're ignoring me, hmm?
My son used to do this when he was five.
You tried to play me, Red.
You were insincere,
and you capitalized on my sensitivities.
I want the kitchen back.
What other choice did I have?
You could've asked me nicely.
Aw, and that would have worked?
Possibly.
I'm a person. We're people.
No one in here is people.
You think this is a normal relationship?
Human to human?
I take advantage, you
get your feelings hurt.
You forget that when
you leave here tonight,
you lock me in behind you.
Hey, I don't make the rules.
You take a woman's power away.
Her work, her family, her currency.
You leave her with one coin...
the one she was born with.
It may be tawdry and demeaning,
but if she has to, she will spend it.
But you're right.
Your feelings count, too.
I mean, you couldn't give a
guy a heads-up on this fiasco?
I got COs up my ass
like a lemon-juice enema.
Oh, like your mom never
did it to you? Come on.
But I should have told you.
One of those things. You know,
you get the call from upstairs...
I probably found out five
minutes before you did.
Yeah, well, it stinks.
Yeah, well, I 100% get
why these guys are upset.
But, on the other hand, you know,
keeping tabs on that
many inmates takes a toll.
These guys, uh, they start
making mistakes, you know.
Cutting hours gives
these guys some down time.
They rest up, they come in fresh...
Yeah, to a job they no
longer give two shits about
'cause you cut their benefits
and they're making bubkes.
Good point, good point, you know, but...
Between you and me,
I'm not too happy about this
whole thing, either. I mean...
You obviously know more
about Litchfield than anybody.
Who should be calling the shots?
You or some fucking corporate bigwig?
The ad says all you need to
apply is a GED and no felonies.
I mean, they really
think that's all it takes?
Although, Luschek, am I right?
Yeah, I don't know how that happened.
I gotta tell you, Pearson, the last
few years have been a rough ride.
I've been through the shit.
Can we get two more of these?
I tell you what.
The applications have been
coming to me, which is crazy.
You should be doing the hiring.
You know exactly what you need.
Who knows, maybe you'll find
some hidden gems in there.
I guess you never know.
Yeah. That's the spirit.
My neck is fuckin' killing me.
Hell yeah. Sewing is no joke.
Uh... Hey, what you got on your tray?
Eggs and some kind of tomato sauce.
I did not see no eggs
up there. You see eggs?
Mmm-mmm. I did not see eggs.
It's kosher. You gotta ask for it.
"Kosher"? Like some pickles, "kosher"?
No, there's all these
Jewish laws about food.
Kosher means they obeyed all the laws.
They make it special.
Well, you don't look Jewish to me.
I'm Lutheran. From Norway.
But they're not allowed to ask you
about that on account of the Holocaust,
so I don't say shit.
Ugh.
Uh-uh. This changes everything.
My back is in spasm and
all of my fingers hurt.
Wait, have you been cheating on me?
I have been touching many panties.
Which reminds me. I
brought you a souvenir.
Meet your new bunkie.
She's damaged in all the right
ways and has big naturals.
I call her Lola.
You get everything about me.
Whoa! Hold up.
These bras cost $90?
I know, right? And I get
45 cents to make them.
It's basically slave labor.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You do not get to say
what's slavery, okay?
- Mmm-mmm.
- I get to say what's slavery.
And PS, technically,
- it's more like indentured servitude.
- Mmm-hmm.
Y'all don't know about that slave life.
We makin' a dollar an hour. That's
like 10 times what we got before.
But the other jobs are
about prison upkeep.
The Whispers people
are profiting from this.
- I'm okay with that.
- Mmm-hmm. Me too.
Your oatmeal's getting cold.
Do you know anything about birds?
What, like birds in general?
Anything.
Well, owls eat whole mice
and then throw up the bones.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Big Bird is yellow,
coq Au vin is delicious,
and you're being crazy right now.
Oh, everybody needs a hobby.
Morello, think about the kind of
guys who write to women in prison.
I mean, if you want a boyfriend, you
might wanna fish in a different pool.
No, no, no, no, no.
It is not about that.
It is a straight up moneymaking thing.
You get one of these bozos on the hook,
and they are just throwing money
in your commissary, throwing it in.
All right. Well, if that's all it is.
But you don't have to do this.
I mean, Chapman's hauling
in so much bank now,
she's gonna buy us all a pony.
Uh-oh.
Not cool.
Throw it back.
What a dick.
It's a dance, but you
just walk backward.
And your feet don't
ever leave the ground.
That's not a dance.
- Says who?
- Says me.
Well, you're not in charge.
Is this why you bought
those penny-loafers?
Where the fuck is this guy?
- Fu.
- Hmm.
Does this stuff really work?
Which stuff?
The stuff. For men.
I've been with you guys for months
now and it's like half the business:
The penis soup, the snake blood...
Maybe it's not whether it works,
but whether you think it works.
But it's like nobody in
China can get a boner.
That can't be true.
It's more about feeling powerful.
I have this American girlfriend.
Taller than I am, with yellow hair,
she smokes these thin cigarettes.
Scares the shit out of me.
Men are dumb.
Ah! Ni Kan.
Finally.
Hey, Park, I thought you died.
Just get your shit, man.
Big turtles. Venezuela.
Okay.
Fu.
They're Ping-Pong balls.
Huh? Shenme?
Fucking Koreans.
You might have saved my life, Mei.
I owe you.
I know what I want.
So my new applicant pool is basically
the cast of fucking Animal House.
I'd cry for you, but
I'm all out of Kleenex.
I gotta play the game, okay?
Look at what they send me.
This guy's total work experience,
seven months in a Radio Shack
that he ended up leaving
for "creative differences,"
which probably means
he's got a Nazi tattoo.
Look, this guy,
he answered, "Have you ever
been convicted of a felony?"
with, "It's complicated."
Hey, you know who has a ton of
work experience and a clean record
and who wants a job here?
Fucking me. I even have
a uniform and everything.
Let's get through this, Maxwell.
I'm gonna show them that I'm a good pawn
and that I'm willing to play ball.
And then in a few months, I tell them,
"Look, we tried it your way.
Now, I need my guys full-time."
I miss Fig.
Right. Right.
Send one of these
jokers back to my office.
Which one?
Thrill me.
Hey! Hey, boss man.
I got interviews, Healy.
With those yahoos in the lobby? Yikes.
I don't envy your job today.
I've never felt closer to you.
Hey, listen, I don't know what else
these MCC goons got up their sleeve,
but I want you to know I
got full confidence in you.
I know you're doing the best
that you can. I can see that.
Thank you.
Us old-timers gotta
stick together, okay?
I got your back all the way.
I appreciate that.
Good luck, all right?
Oh, hey, uh, do me a favor and
sign this real quick for me.
You want Reznikov back in the kitchen?
She was running a whole
black market outta there.
Yeah, but that wasn't proven.
And we got all new
vendors in the kitchen now.
And don't forget, we just lost
Gonzales to the underwear people.
I don't know. I don't know, Healy.
I'll keep an eye on her.
She'll start off in the bottom,
washing dishes, doing the onions.
We got a lot bigger problems, here, man.
Do not mistake my kindness
for weakness, Counselor.
I'll keep that in mind. Side Boob!
Huh.
Uh, Mr. Brand?
You know, if you smush these patterns
just a little bit closer together,
you can actually get an extra
Lacy Low-Rider Indiscretion bikini
from the same piece of fabric.
Thanks for your advice, inmate.
It was really more of an observation.
Let's just assume that Whispers Inc.
Knows how they want to make panties, okay?
See?
Even C-minus-looking
people can be stupid.
You closin' up?
I got time for one more.
I need my neck shaved.
No one ever wants
anything fun around here.
I'm guessing fun, to you,
means a 2-foot poufy thing
with a birdcage in it?
And what would be so terrible about that?
I mean, especially in a place like this.
We could use some... some
originality, some sass.
Mmm-mmm. Not getting
noticed is my main goal.
Sass is what lands you in Seg.
I feel that.
Really? 'Cause you doin' the opposite.
You got this whole thing going
on, the hair, the makeup...
I mean, who has the energy to
go full MAC counter every day?
Listen, after all I went through to
be me, I'm not about to let shit slide.
Yeah, but you all up in our face
with it, like all blown out and shit.
Look, if you wanted to
look like a real woman,
you would let your roots grow out
and get some bags under your eyes.
You know, historically,
me and reality...
not friends.
Mmm. You got me there.
This one time, I'm getting on
the Metro-North to head home,
and this mouth-breather,
this mouth-breather
comes right up behind me
and smacks me on the ass.
- And I'm thinking...
- I'm sorry, could you go back a second
to the part where you're
on the Metro-North?
What about it?
- Where you live?
- Yonkers.
Childhood home of Mary
J. Blige and Anthrax.
You know that my son, you
know, Benny, he's in the Bronx.
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
You think that maybe, um...
he could ride up here
sometimes with your wife?
You know, for visitation.
'Cause he could take
the bus to their house.
I'll ask her.
I'm feeling sassier already.
Mmm-hmm?
Glad you could come
out for a real visit?
Nice drive.
First time in prison's always
weird. You must feel like a starling.
A what now?
A common starling.
You know, how they
weren't native to America
and then that guy
Eugene brought them over,
'cause he wanted it to be
like Shakespeare's time.
Right, sure.
I think I saw a hermit
thrush, yesterday.
At least, I think it was a hermit
thrush. It was all by itself.
My uncle had a parakeet.
Knew how to swear in Italian,
but he shit all over the house.
You're not that into birds, are you?
Got nothing against them, but
mostly I'm into Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
Like I wrote you.
Oh, sure, Jiu-Jitsu.
Everybody loves Jiu-Jitsu.
It's delicious.
You wanna tell me what's going on here?
No, nothing, nothing. Nothing's going on.
It was just a little misunderstanding...
You think I'm some bird guy?
- No.
- What is this? Is this a scam?
Trying to get money or something?
No, no, no, no, no!
It's not about money...
I'm supposed to believe that?
You're the top contract killer
in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.
Look...
the only person that cared about me,
they took her away to Max.
And I'm so lonely.
And I thought, if I
wrote to enough people,
then maybe I would
find somebody and, oh...
I watched so much Discovery Channel.
Hold up, hey.
Hey.
I don't care how many
other guys you wrote.
I'm just glad I get to meet you.
"I'm glad you confronted me
about your feelings, Gina-bo-bina.
I see now that the way
I treated you was wrong."
"Thank you, Mom."
I feel so much better
about our relationship.
"If you weren't dead, I'd hug you."
"I think you forgot that
anything is possible...
in your imagination."
You hug. You hug.
Oh.
Very nice, ladies.
And a big hand to Gina who shared
a piece of her life with us.
Dead is dead is gone forever.
You don't say that you
can still give hugs.
It's irresponsible.
Because you can't.
You regularly talk to a mop.
Burn!
Okay.
Okay.
You did great.
Who's next?
Come on...
Anyone?
Ahh!
Ahh!
This is the fuckwad who rejected you?
It's not like I'm looking
at God's gift here.
Right?
I remember you.
What do you want us to do with him?
"Cut out his gall bladder!"
"Please, no! I was dummy."
I made big mistake.
You are strong and
beautiful, like a horse.
"Please, forgive me."
"Too late for sorry, now."
"Kill him!"
"I must die now for
being the worst person."
I accept your wisdom.
"Girl power."
"And now I eat his..."
Okay, I don't feel comfortable
saying this. It's disgusting.
Okay, okay. We can stop here.
I did say to re-imagine
old resentments,
but I think you took this a
little too far to be constructive.
I liked it.
All fake.
Showbiz.
Yeah, see...
Hey, Big Talkin' Missy.
Out of the kitchen, into the sweatshop.
Turns out your mobility
ain't so upwards, huh?
Fuck off, Ruiz.
At least my hair doesn't
smell like a deep fryer.
Uh-uh. I'm gonna eat one of them
kosher meals y'all got back there.
You ain't even Jewish.
You think you know my life?
- Fine.
- Yeah.
Shabbat shalom, bitch.
How much longer you gonna stay mad?
Man, do you know how hard it is to
get a squirrel into a laundry bag?
No.
I took it a little too
far, hooch jacking you.
But you was pissin' and
settin' traps like Elmer Fudd.
Man, the shit was funny.
But also, I was worried about you.
Well, you know, if I
was worried about you,
I'd have made you some
goddamn soup or something.
Excellent point.
But you think you might want to
cut down on the sauce, though?
Like, just to make sure you can?
- I ain't hurtin' nobody.
- Um...
Excuse me, Miss Poussey?
This is your liver speakin'...
It just makes me feel better, okay?
It makes me feel like
I can get through this.
Come with me to AA.
Come on, man. It'll be fun.
You ain't even a addict!
You just make up crazy stories
about shit that ain't even happened.
- So?
- And then everybody
gotta listen to you. It's
your personal open mic night.
Well, instead of poetry slam,
it's like poetry slammer.
No.
Come on, like, "Give us, us freestyle."
Oh, you pullin' out
the Amistad, now. Damn.
I just feel like this
place is beatin' me down.
I don't need no audience to talk at.
I need a girlfriend.
Like, a real one.
You know?
Love.
MCC is looking to train you
for your job on the outside.
See human resources.
No!
O'Neill, I hired a new guard.
First of many.
And I'm gonna need you
guys to show him the ropes.
Help yourself.
Red velvet is shit.
You like Bo Derek.
Tarzan, 1981.
Please pretend that you
didn't just see this.
I don't see nothing.
I just wanted to feel pretty.
Chang?
I'm... sorry about the other day.
Thank you, lesbian.
What do you want us to do with him?
You will always be an
ugly girl who no one wants.
Whether I live
or die,
nothing will change that.
He's right.
Nothing will change.
Mei!
What should we do with him?
Should we let him go?
Nah.
Cut out his gall bladder.
No!
Ay, co?o. Hey! Cuidado.
I'm back.
If I get the maple bacon,
that's kinda Paleo, right?
Only if you killed it
yourself with a crossbow.
You should try the red velvet. It's new.
Oh, jeez.
Do I look like an idiot to you?
No.
You think you can squeeze
an extra dollar out of me
because it's, like, "Ooh, trendy,
it looks like its bleeding"?
No, in your heart of hearts,
you know as well as I do,
red velvet is bullshit.
It tastes like Play-Doh.
It is not velvety.
And the only thing that's good
about it is the cream cheese frosting
which is meant to live on top of
carrot cake, like God intended.
Okay, panda. We hear you.
Red velvet isn't a thing.
Red velvet can go to hell.
You give me two Long Johns and a jelly.
Well, I'll be fucked.
What happened?
Mind your own beeswax, Donuts.
Oh, you kidding me?
If I was a lesser person, I
would say, "I told you so."
All right, here we are.
Welcome to Litchfield,
two-point-nothing.
So recently, we did go
from, uh, public to private,
which is quite a relief.
God bless free market
America of the United States.
"Free market"?
Yeah, I worked the night shift
at Sam's Club a while back
and they used to lock us in.
Well, it was probably
for your own protection.
Yeah, it didn't feel like that.
Well, look... you kidding me?
The government socialists are clearly
so far up your butt crack about equality,
when, in code, it's all about just
giving the darker people free shit.
It's all about private corporation
because they really look after us.
And you get religious freedom.
- Yeah, I'm not that religious.
- No? Well, that's too bad.
'Cause if you were a Christian,
you could tell everybody what to do,
and then they do it so they
don't hurt your feelings,
because that's against the law.
Come on.
Okay, so this right here
is Mr. Healy's office.
He's one of the counselors.
Now, some of the girls, they
like the black one better, okay?
But, listen...
He brings snacks sometimes
and he's kind of a silver fox.
Down here, we've got
visitation. Down here, okay?
Your family is allowed
to come and see you,
but if they never do...
that's probably just
'cause they're too busy.
But they still care about you. For sure.
For sure.
This place is amazing.
All right, this is still
prison and all, right?
There's no need to
jump off the deep end.
We got off the van,
like, five minutes ago,
and I haven't heard anybody screaming.
And the walls are so clean.
Yeah, and we just got
new mattresses, too.
Yes. This here is Chang.
Chang!
So, she works in the
commissary. She don't talk much.
Ching Chong Chang!
Fuck you, cracker.
She loves when I do that.
How's life in the panty mill?
Uh, yesterday, we learned
everything about sewing,
including how to serge with a rolled hem
and use a zigzag stitch.
I don't really know what any of it
means, so today's gonna be awesome.
What...
How's grounds crew treating you?
The instructions are pretty clear.
Dig. Rake. Schlep.
Uh-huh.
It's fine. And it's outside.
Anything is better than being
stuck down in that sweaty basement
with the fucking puppets
from The Dark Crystal.
I'm thirsty just looking at her.
Well, you should see
what she does with pepper.
Hey, lesbians.
My eyes squinty, but ears work fine.
Let's go.
I'm sorry.
- I laugh when I see something super weird.
- Alex! Alex!
How did she get a whole box of salt?
He should be here any minute now.
Is he bringing his checkbook?
Between her plane ticket and bus fare
to Beijing, I'm in for almost a grand.
Flight reimbursement
is included in the deal.
What if I don't like him?
Then you can go back to Hebei
Province and grow potatoes.
Don't say anything stupid.
Is this a joke?
Welcome to our family, Mr. Sun.
My sister and I are
so pleased to meet you.
You promised me a beautiful girl.
I never actually said "beautiful."
You said she had "pleasing attributes."
And I'm sure she does.
My sister's a good
cook. And very thrifty.
So am I.
And I paid to find a wife,
not a squatty peasant who
still smells like sheep shit.
Call me when you want to get serious.
We had a deal! Son of a bitch.
What do we do now?
I don't want to go back to China.
I can't take care of her.
Do you have any idea how much she eats?
Business has been terrible.
You must know someone
else who needs a wife.
I'm only as good as the product.
If you don't have the looks,
you at least need charm.
How about finding someone less picky?
It's not like this
guy was on the A-list.
What am I going to do?
I could help you in the shop.
You owe me eight hundred dollars.
That was the scene
just a few minutes ago
outside this Lower Manhattan courthouse,
where culinary celebrity Judy King
was arraigned on charges of tax
evasion. According to authorities...
I never liked this woman.
She puts cream in her
carbonara. It's vulgar.
What are you writing?
It's for drama workshop.
It's about my emotionally
manipulative asshat of a mother
and all the times she betrayed me.
I'm thinking at the end,
I could run her over
with a riding lawnmower.
Shred the bitch.
Oh, that's beautiful, honey.
You can watch your cartoons later.
It's the grown-ups' time now, honey.
Hey, Red. I hear you
got family in Queens.
What about them?
I was wondering if your husband could
give my son a ride up here sometime?
I'll trade you whatever.
I've asked everyone, but...
Dmitri won't be visiting anymore.
Oh, shit. I'm sorry.
He's a worthless mushroom of a man.
I've known a few of those.
Maybe we should give up and be gay.
We got the haircuts.
There an angle in this
place you ain't workin'?
Watch and learn, Mendoza.
The food lady from the TV got arrested!
- Wait, what? Oh, shit, is it Nigella?
- Mmm-mmm.
- The trashy one?
- Mmm-mmm.
- The snotty one?
- Mmm-mmm.
Ooh, it's the one with the plantation
kinda vibe goin' on, but in a fun way?
Yes!
- Yes! Had something to do with her taxes.
- Yeah, Judy King!
There was microphones everywhere.
And they almost stuck one in her ear.
Oh, Lord, if you're really out there,
please, please, please
let her come to Litchfield.
Please, please, please.
Um...
What?
I think your laundry might be alive.
Nah, that's that furry alkie
been stealing my jail juice!
Yeah, I caught it this morning.
I'll turn that punk into a hat.
What?
Okay. We gonna have to talk.
What?
So, stations one and two,
you will be at the cutting tables
this morning cutting patterns.
And then everyone else can
start assembling the pieces.
We will switch out after
lunch to avoid fatigue.
Look sharp, ladies. It's up to us to
help the lovers of the world get it on!
That's enough, DeMarco.
Come on, Donaldson. Live a little, huh?
Cut it out, okay?
This shit's right up my alley.
Sewed all my kids'
clothes until high school.
I bet they loved that.
Man, somehow my khakis be
feelin' extra khaki right now.
Oh, come on, Gonzales.
Looks are superficial.
Everybody knows it's about talent,
originality, a sense of humor...
What do you think it's
like to be her in real life?
Mmm, she eats pills and ice
cream, and cries at night.
And she cuts herself, but on
her scalp so no one can see.
So, it's still better than our lives.
I would be her in a second.
White bitches, white
bitches... All right, check it.
How many pages you think it is
before they put in a token blackie?
And how dark is she, scale
of one to Grace Jones?
All right, 14 and four.
All right, 14 and four. Let's find out.
- So close. Here she is, page 11.
- Oh, man!
- Man, but that's not too bad.
- Mmm-hmm.
But she, like, a two.
- The bitch got blue eyes.
- Yeah, true.
But, damn, look at her abs, though.
I know, right?
So I jump out the window.
I fall two floors, I land
on the awning, I slide off.
I grab the delivery boy's bicycle,
and I'm outta there. I'm gone.
And that is how I pull off
the biggest jewel heist
in Chandler, Arizona.
I gotta say, you are the
cutest gunslinger I've ever met.
Thank you so much.
And I do love guns.
I mean, the old ones...
and the newer ones.
I'm saving up for a 1962 Remington 700.
That's the year they came out.
Push-feed action,
3.2-millisecond lock time.
Ooh! Just hearing you talk about that
makes me want to go
out and shoot something.
Now you're making me sad.
You're never gonna be able
to buy a gun again, are you?
What?
As a convicted felon,
you can't own a gun.
Oh, right.
Right!
That is terrible, isn't it?
I mean, that should
be a fundamental right.
Like freedom of speech, right?
I mean, what is
happening to our country?
It's the fall of Rome.
Don't even get me started on Rome.
I've never written to an inmate
before. I didn't know what to expect.
But you're... great.
You're great, too.
Can I come see you again?
I think that would be fine.
Did you think we weren't gonna find out?
I never found out. Nobody said
a damn word to me about an ad.
All due respect, sir, but
I am gonna have to call
a massive amount of bullshit on that.
My kid's got asthma, and out of pocket,
her inhaler costs like $300 a month.
I could get heroin for cheaper.
- I understand.
- Do you?
'Cause it seems like the only job
you saved around here was your own.
You're still full-time. You
still have health insurance.
You think that's what this is about, huh?
I got mine, now I'm gonna cut you loose?
It doesn't not look like that, does it?
I guess we can put the couch on
Airbnb to pay for your wrist surgery.
Listen to me.
Even if I didn't give two
shits about you clowns,
which is not the case,
I would still want to fix this
just to get you off my jock.
I promise you.
I think that was his way of
saying he cares what happens to us.
Exactly.
If you care about us, you should say it.
Say you care about us.
No.
Say you love us.
What? We're family in here.
You love us and you're
gonna turn this thing around.
Say it.
I...
I love you.
That's more like it.
Hi, I would like a kosher meal, please.
We got beef, noodles and peas.
It's a religious thing.
Which means Uncle Sam says you
gotta provide it when asked for.
That's actually true.
Well, we don't have it.
Kosher's in extra deep freeze.
Where it's been for months
because nobody ever asked for it
when they were eating tasty,
nutritious Russian fusion.
But now...
this is what it's come to.
Some tweaker wants kosher.
We don't got enough to deal with
around here, now we got Jews?
La Red says it's in the back.
This actually looks pretty good.
No noodles. All peas.
- You want cake?
- Just peas. Two milk.
Food is to be eaten in the cafeteria.
Yeah, totally. I'm just
running out real quick.
- I'm gonna come right back.
- Really?
Or are you going to stash that
cake in your locker for later
and then pretend you don't know
why there are roaches in B-Dorm?
My dreams make me hungry.
You know what sucks?
Belonging to a race that doesn't
commit enough low-value crimes
to be relevant in a place like this.
Where's my big, Asian prison family?
You Scottish.
Not to white people I'm not.
One drop of ethnic blood and bam!
I'm basically made in China,
like you and my toothbrush.
You Scottish.
Seven million people in New York City
and none of them in my shop.
Maybe we could start doing
foot massages or something.
Shit, you're right.
Just like the three actual
massage places on this block.
You're a marketing wizard.
Okay, we've got two boxes of dried
sea cucumber and a box of deer antlers.
Really nice this time,
from New Zealand.
And?
Where's my special delivery?
We had a little setback.
That idiot Zhang Bo got himself busted.
I need this stuff, Deng.
You think I make money on
fucking chrysanthemum tea?
I have six people waiting on bear bile.
The cops are all over the neighborhood,
stopping anyone suspicious.
Your gall bladders are sitting
with 300 Gs worth of rhino horn
in a storage unit in Flushing
and we can't touch them.
Look, this will blow over.
We wait a few months...
A few months? No.
Take Mei.
Have her carry it.
This is no job for a woman.
It's a job for this woman.
The whole time we've been talking,
she was standing right there.
You never even looked at her.
She's invisible.
I can do it.
Come on, man. God damn.
Ugh.
God damn it!
There's a one-legged chick out there
that's gonna be real grateful for that.
Man, ain't you plannin' on
doing any sewin' while you here?
I'll get to it. I'm like
the Flash with this shit.
What page you gotta get to
before you see a Spanish girl?
If you're talkin' about Latinas,
there's, like, 20 different
countries that all look different.
See this blond chick?
She could be Latina.
- We don't know.
- Let me see.
- Nah, she probably ain't though.
- No, probably not.
Man, I gotta start running or something.
Yeah, I ran all the time and
boys just thought I was weird.
It's all Photoshopped anyway.
Special lighting, tape and shit.
We're chasing an unachievable standard.
I ain't chasin' nothin'.
I'm a strong black woman,
and we got a different standard
of beauty in our community.
- Not true.
- Excuse me?
- Beyonc?.
- Uh-uh. Don't you say nothin' about Bey.
She ain't out there with her nappy
hair and her plus-size dashiki, okay?
She playing a white girl game.
And she winnin'.
Winnin'! And you provin'
my point exactly, Morticia.
There are hella ways for
black women to be beautiful.
- A white girl, though...
- Mmm-hmm.
They just gotta be skinny.
Ouch!
Jesus H! That's the third time.
Did you ever wear anything
like this, back in your day?
- "In my day"?
- Mmm-hmm.
That's kind of insulting.
Sorry.
In my day, I wore fuck all.
You've either got to do it, or not.
"Get to the banging."
- Mmm.
- That's my philosophy.
You know, I kinda like lingerie.
I think it's less about
seducing someone else
and more about feeling sexy yourself.
I mean, I know it's ridiculous.
But when it's not being
ridiculous, I think...
I think it can make you feel...
powerful.
What?
You should hear yourself.
It's like, "Help! I'm a skinny hot girl",
but I need a little something
extra to make me feel sexy."
If you knew me, you would know
I am definitely not the hot girl.
"Help!
The burden of my genetic perfection,
it's so heavy and so unfair."
Genes are genes and they do not
take away from my God-given right
to look in the mirror and
feel shitty about my thighs.
You're tall and blond, and
your legs are up to your neck.
Relax, enjoy it.
I double majored in communications
and comparative literature.
Of course you did.
Why are Betties always going on
about how nerdy they really are?
It's like, just fuckin'
own it, you know?
Like when rich people
pretend they're not rich.
Exactly.
Maybe it's because Betties get
treated like they're... stupid.
Well, then, don't be stupid.
Women.
And you don't consider yourself
a member of that category?
I do.
But only because my options are limited.
So I dive out the
window. I fall two floors.
I land splat on the awning.
Jump down, grab the delivery
guy's bicycle and scram.
And that is how I became
the most wanted arsonist
in Winter Park, Florida.
Shit, that is intense.
Well, you know, life is intense.
Sometimes you need an escape route.
Well, I guess that's
why we both love anime.
Right! Who doesn't need
a break from reality?
My prison reality. Your
suburban Connecticut reality.
Oh, last year I got into
such a huge fight at the Expo.
Some dude's like,
"If you got a horn on your
head, you can't be Pegasus.
Pegasus isn't a unicorn."
And I'm like, "In Sailor
Moon he is, bitch!"
That shit got crazy.
Oh, what a bitch!
Yeah. What's your favorite anime?
Oh, it's very obscure, you
probably haven't heard of it.
It's this animal-human hybrid thing.
It's by an artist named Dayanara
Diaz. It's really out there.
I'll have to check it out.
I like you, Lorna.
And I like you, too, Ron.
I'll be honest with you, the last
girl I met in this prison pen pal thing
turned out to be... a little heavier.
And... I don't go for that.
But you've got a normal BMI
and a very symmetrical face.
Oh, stop.
MCC appreciates your honest feedback.
We strive for excellence. Thank you.
So now you're ignoring me, hmm?
My son used to do this when he was five.
You tried to play me, Red.
You were insincere,
and you capitalized on my sensitivities.
I want the kitchen back.
What other choice did I have?
You could've asked me nicely.
Aw, and that would have worked?
Possibly.
I'm a person. We're people.
No one in here is people.
You think this is a normal relationship?
Human to human?
I take advantage, you
get your feelings hurt.
You forget that when
you leave here tonight,
you lock me in behind you.
Hey, I don't make the rules.
You take a woman's power away.
Her work, her family, her currency.
You leave her with one coin...
the one she was born with.
It may be tawdry and demeaning,
but if she has to, she will spend it.
But you're right.
Your feelings count, too.
I mean, you couldn't give a
guy a heads-up on this fiasco?
I got COs up my ass
like a lemon-juice enema.
Oh, like your mom never
did it to you? Come on.
But I should have told you.
One of those things. You know,
you get the call from upstairs...
I probably found out five
minutes before you did.
Yeah, well, it stinks.
Yeah, well, I 100% get
why these guys are upset.
But, on the other hand, you know,
keeping tabs on that
many inmates takes a toll.
These guys, uh, they start
making mistakes, you know.
Cutting hours gives
these guys some down time.
They rest up, they come in fresh...
Yeah, to a job they no
longer give two shits about
'cause you cut their benefits
and they're making bubkes.
Good point, good point, you know, but...
Between you and me,
I'm not too happy about this
whole thing, either. I mean...
You obviously know more
about Litchfield than anybody.
Who should be calling the shots?
You or some fucking corporate bigwig?
The ad says all you need to
apply is a GED and no felonies.
I mean, they really
think that's all it takes?
Although, Luschek, am I right?
Yeah, I don't know how that happened.
I gotta tell you, Pearson, the last
few years have been a rough ride.
I've been through the shit.
Can we get two more of these?
I tell you what.
The applications have been
coming to me, which is crazy.
You should be doing the hiring.
You know exactly what you need.
Who knows, maybe you'll find
some hidden gems in there.
I guess you never know.
Yeah. That's the spirit.
My neck is fuckin' killing me.
Hell yeah. Sewing is no joke.
Uh... Hey, what you got on your tray?
Eggs and some kind of tomato sauce.
I did not see no eggs
up there. You see eggs?
Mmm-mmm. I did not see eggs.
It's kosher. You gotta ask for it.
"Kosher"? Like some pickles, "kosher"?
No, there's all these
Jewish laws about food.
Kosher means they obeyed all the laws.
They make it special.
Well, you don't look Jewish to me.
I'm Lutheran. From Norway.
But they're not allowed to ask you
about that on account of the Holocaust,
so I don't say shit.
Ugh.
Uh-uh. This changes everything.
My back is in spasm and
all of my fingers hurt.
Wait, have you been cheating on me?
I have been touching many panties.
Which reminds me. I
brought you a souvenir.
Meet your new bunkie.
She's damaged in all the right
ways and has big naturals.
I call her Lola.
You get everything about me.
Whoa! Hold up.
These bras cost $90?
I know, right? And I get
45 cents to make them.
It's basically slave labor.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You do not get to say
what's slavery, okay?
- Mmm-mmm.
- I get to say what's slavery.
And PS, technically,
- it's more like indentured servitude.
- Mmm-hmm.
Y'all don't know about that slave life.
We makin' a dollar an hour. That's
like 10 times what we got before.
But the other jobs are
about prison upkeep.
The Whispers people
are profiting from this.
- I'm okay with that.
- Mmm-hmm. Me too.
Your oatmeal's getting cold.
Do you know anything about birds?
What, like birds in general?
Anything.
Well, owls eat whole mice
and then throw up the bones.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Big Bird is yellow,
coq Au vin is delicious,
and you're being crazy right now.
Oh, everybody needs a hobby.
Morello, think about the kind of
guys who write to women in prison.
I mean, if you want a boyfriend, you
might wanna fish in a different pool.
No, no, no, no, no.
It is not about that.
It is a straight up moneymaking thing.
You get one of these bozos on the hook,
and they are just throwing money
in your commissary, throwing it in.
All right. Well, if that's all it is.
But you don't have to do this.
I mean, Chapman's hauling
in so much bank now,
she's gonna buy us all a pony.
Uh-oh.
Not cool.
Throw it back.
What a dick.
It's a dance, but you
just walk backward.
And your feet don't
ever leave the ground.
That's not a dance.
- Says who?
- Says me.
Well, you're not in charge.
Is this why you bought
those penny-loafers?
Where the fuck is this guy?
- Fu.
- Hmm.
Does this stuff really work?
Which stuff?
The stuff. For men.
I've been with you guys for months
now and it's like half the business:
The penis soup, the snake blood...
Maybe it's not whether it works,
but whether you think it works.
But it's like nobody in
China can get a boner.
That can't be true.
It's more about feeling powerful.
I have this American girlfriend.
Taller than I am, with yellow hair,
she smokes these thin cigarettes.
Scares the shit out of me.
Men are dumb.
Ah! Ni Kan.
Finally.
Hey, Park, I thought you died.
Just get your shit, man.
Big turtles. Venezuela.
Okay.
Fu.
They're Ping-Pong balls.
Huh? Shenme?
Fucking Koreans.
You might have saved my life, Mei.
I owe you.
I know what I want.
So my new applicant pool is basically
the cast of fucking Animal House.
I'd cry for you, but
I'm all out of Kleenex.
I gotta play the game, okay?
Look at what they send me.
This guy's total work experience,
seven months in a Radio Shack
that he ended up leaving
for "creative differences,"
which probably means
he's got a Nazi tattoo.
Look, this guy,
he answered, "Have you ever
been convicted of a felony?"
with, "It's complicated."
Hey, you know who has a ton of
work experience and a clean record
and who wants a job here?
Fucking me. I even have
a uniform and everything.
Let's get through this, Maxwell.
I'm gonna show them that I'm a good pawn
and that I'm willing to play ball.
And then in a few months, I tell them,
"Look, we tried it your way.
Now, I need my guys full-time."
I miss Fig.
Right. Right.
Send one of these
jokers back to my office.
Which one?
Thrill me.
Hey! Hey, boss man.
I got interviews, Healy.
With those yahoos in the lobby? Yikes.
I don't envy your job today.
I've never felt closer to you.
Hey, listen, I don't know what else
these MCC goons got up their sleeve,
but I want you to know I
got full confidence in you.
I know you're doing the best
that you can. I can see that.
Thank you.
Us old-timers gotta
stick together, okay?
I got your back all the way.
I appreciate that.
Good luck, all right?
Oh, hey, uh, do me a favor and
sign this real quick for me.
You want Reznikov back in the kitchen?
She was running a whole
black market outta there.
Yeah, but that wasn't proven.
And we got all new
vendors in the kitchen now.
And don't forget, we just lost
Gonzales to the underwear people.
I don't know. I don't know, Healy.
I'll keep an eye on her.
She'll start off in the bottom,
washing dishes, doing the onions.
We got a lot bigger problems, here, man.
Do not mistake my kindness
for weakness, Counselor.
I'll keep that in mind. Side Boob!
Huh.
Uh, Mr. Brand?
You know, if you smush these patterns
just a little bit closer together,
you can actually get an extra
Lacy Low-Rider Indiscretion bikini
from the same piece of fabric.
Thanks for your advice, inmate.
It was really more of an observation.
Let's just assume that Whispers Inc.
Knows how they want to make panties, okay?
See?
Even C-minus-looking
people can be stupid.
You closin' up?
I got time for one more.
I need my neck shaved.
No one ever wants
anything fun around here.
I'm guessing fun, to you,
means a 2-foot poufy thing
with a birdcage in it?
And what would be so terrible about that?
I mean, especially in a place like this.
We could use some... some
originality, some sass.
Mmm-mmm. Not getting
noticed is my main goal.
Sass is what lands you in Seg.
I feel that.
Really? 'Cause you doin' the opposite.
You got this whole thing going
on, the hair, the makeup...
I mean, who has the energy to
go full MAC counter every day?
Listen, after all I went through to
be me, I'm not about to let shit slide.
Yeah, but you all up in our face
with it, like all blown out and shit.
Look, if you wanted to
look like a real woman,
you would let your roots grow out
and get some bags under your eyes.
You know, historically,
me and reality...
not friends.
Mmm. You got me there.
This one time, I'm getting on
the Metro-North to head home,
and this mouth-breather,
this mouth-breather
comes right up behind me
and smacks me on the ass.
- And I'm thinking...
- I'm sorry, could you go back a second
to the part where you're
on the Metro-North?
What about it?
- Where you live?
- Yonkers.
Childhood home of Mary
J. Blige and Anthrax.
You know that my son, you
know, Benny, he's in the Bronx.
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
You think that maybe, um...
he could ride up here
sometimes with your wife?
You know, for visitation.
'Cause he could take
the bus to their house.
I'll ask her.
I'm feeling sassier already.
Mmm-hmm?
Glad you could come
out for a real visit?
Nice drive.
First time in prison's always
weird. You must feel like a starling.
A what now?
A common starling.
You know, how they
weren't native to America
and then that guy
Eugene brought them over,
'cause he wanted it to be
like Shakespeare's time.
Right, sure.
I think I saw a hermit
thrush, yesterday.
At least, I think it was a hermit
thrush. It was all by itself.
My uncle had a parakeet.
Knew how to swear in Italian,
but he shit all over the house.
You're not that into birds, are you?
Got nothing against them, but
mostly I'm into Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
Like I wrote you.
Oh, sure, Jiu-Jitsu.
Everybody loves Jiu-Jitsu.
It's delicious.
You wanna tell me what's going on here?
No, nothing, nothing. Nothing's going on.
It was just a little misunderstanding...
You think I'm some bird guy?
- No.
- What is this? Is this a scam?
Trying to get money or something?
No, no, no, no, no!
It's not about money...
I'm supposed to believe that?
You're the top contract killer
in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.
Look...
the only person that cared about me,
they took her away to Max.
And I'm so lonely.
And I thought, if I
wrote to enough people,
then maybe I would
find somebody and, oh...
I watched so much Discovery Channel.
Hold up, hey.
Hey.
I don't care how many
other guys you wrote.
I'm just glad I get to meet you.
"I'm glad you confronted me
about your feelings, Gina-bo-bina.
I see now that the way
I treated you was wrong."
"Thank you, Mom."
I feel so much better
about our relationship.
"If you weren't dead, I'd hug you."
"I think you forgot that
anything is possible...
in your imagination."
You hug. You hug.
Oh.
Very nice, ladies.
And a big hand to Gina who shared
a piece of her life with us.
Dead is dead is gone forever.
You don't say that you
can still give hugs.
It's irresponsible.
Because you can't.
You regularly talk to a mop.
Burn!
Okay.
Okay.
You did great.
Who's next?
Come on...
Anyone?
Ahh!
Ahh!
This is the fuckwad who rejected you?
It's not like I'm looking
at God's gift here.
Right?
I remember you.
What do you want us to do with him?
"Cut out his gall bladder!"
"Please, no! I was dummy."
I made big mistake.
You are strong and
beautiful, like a horse.
"Please, forgive me."
"Too late for sorry, now."
"Kill him!"
"I must die now for
being the worst person."
I accept your wisdom.
"Girl power."
"And now I eat his..."
Okay, I don't feel comfortable
saying this. It's disgusting.
Okay, okay. We can stop here.
I did say to re-imagine
old resentments,
but I think you took this a
little too far to be constructive.
I liked it.
All fake.
Showbiz.
Yeah, see...
Hey, Big Talkin' Missy.
Out of the kitchen, into the sweatshop.
Turns out your mobility
ain't so upwards, huh?
Fuck off, Ruiz.
At least my hair doesn't
smell like a deep fryer.
Uh-uh. I'm gonna eat one of them
kosher meals y'all got back there.
You ain't even Jewish.
You think you know my life?
- Fine.
- Yeah.
Shabbat shalom, bitch.
How much longer you gonna stay mad?
Man, do you know how hard it is to
get a squirrel into a laundry bag?
No.
I took it a little too
far, hooch jacking you.
But you was pissin' and
settin' traps like Elmer Fudd.
Man, the shit was funny.
But also, I was worried about you.
Well, you know, if I
was worried about you,
I'd have made you some
goddamn soup or something.
Excellent point.
But you think you might want to
cut down on the sauce, though?
Like, just to make sure you can?
- I ain't hurtin' nobody.
- Um...
Excuse me, Miss Poussey?
This is your liver speakin'...
It just makes me feel better, okay?
It makes me feel like
I can get through this.
Come with me to AA.
Come on, man. It'll be fun.
You ain't even a addict!
You just make up crazy stories
about shit that ain't even happened.
- So?
- And then everybody
gotta listen to you. It's
your personal open mic night.
Well, instead of poetry slam,
it's like poetry slammer.
No.
Come on, like, "Give us, us freestyle."
Oh, you pullin' out
the Amistad, now. Damn.
I just feel like this
place is beatin' me down.
I don't need no audience to talk at.
I need a girlfriend.
Like, a real one.
You know?
Love.
MCC is looking to train you
for your job on the outside.
See human resources.
No!
O'Neill, I hired a new guard.
First of many.
And I'm gonna need you
guys to show him the ropes.
Help yourself.
Red velvet is shit.
You like Bo Derek.
Tarzan, 1981.
Please pretend that you
didn't just see this.
I don't see nothing.
I just wanted to feel pretty.
Chang?
I'm... sorry about the other day.
Thank you, lesbian.
What do you want us to do with him?
You will always be an
ugly girl who no one wants.
Whether I live
or die,
nothing will change that.
He's right.
Nothing will change.
Mei!
What should we do with him?
Should we let him go?
Nah.
Cut out his gall bladder.
No!
Ay, co?o. Hey! Cuidado.
I'm back.