Orange Is the New Black (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - Fake It Till You Fake It Some More - full transcript

Rumors fly among the inmates about a new, higher-paying job assignment, especially when they have to take a test for it.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Don't get up.

I'm all good, thanks.


All right, all right.

Arms and the Man
by Bernard Shaw.

You read that one before?

After a horrifying sawing accident

leaves him armless,

the man sets out
on a journey of self-discovery,

realizing that legs can do
everything that arms can!

Is this what you do all day?

Well, I mean, I got a nap
scheduled later, too.

It probably means "arms"
as in "weapons."

Yo, it could be both. You know?

Like... like,
dude ain't go no arms,

he got to figure out how to hold
his weapon with his feet.

Like, "Freeze, bitch!"

Ain't you got anything better
to do with yourself?

Did you not hear about
that nap situation?


You fucking lucky,
'cause maintenance sucks, yo.

You should see what piles up
in the corners of the showers.

Little pube-tropolis
of buildings and shit

for spiders and... and bacteria
living their lives, growing...

Well, see,
you went urban, right?

I would have said
"A hairjungle," right?

Spiders be jumping
from pube to pube.

Bacteria's all like,
"Fuck! It rains a lot here!

Get off me!"

Did you hear about
the new job crew?

Supposed to pay a buck an hour.

A buck an hour?

Shit, whatever that is,

it's probably way worse
than pube town.

Oh, it's a pube town now?

Man, this place
ain't fool you enough

with that...
that job-fair bullshit?

Excuse me. Pause.

I got two Cherry Pepsis
off of that mug,

plus bragging rights.

Yo... fuck that, man.

My job is the shit. You know?

I mean, worth way more
than buck an hour.

You cannot put a price
on Entspannung.

That's relaxation.

Case in point, I'ma go take me
a dip in the honey jar.

It's 8:00 in the morning.

You drinking already?

It's always 5:00 in prison.

What the fuck?

What's up?


My honey's been jacked.

"Winnie the Pooh:
Tales from the Ghetto."

Man, these were full yesterday.

Maybe some animal got to them.

You forgetting we living
with a bunch of thieves.

Hey, boss.

I still haven't heard anything

from these corporate guys
about our benefits.

And I finally got
my prescription set up online,

you know, with our old plan.

Had to pay my niece 50 bucks
to help me figure it out.

Please, please tell me there
aren't gonna be any changes.

Haven't heard.

C dorm got their new mattresses
this morning,

plus stall doors
on all the bathrooms.

Smoke and mirrors. I know it.

And I don't trust it.

Did you two
walk through the door

into a paying job this morning?


You're welcome.

Is everything all right?

I needed to cool off.

I'm sweating in places
I didn't even know that sweated.

Well, stick an ice cube in
your bra and get back to work.

I got to get these inventory
numbers to the new guys by 3:00.

Where's Norma?
I thought she was helping.

I wouldn't mind
handling a big hose.

I hear they're setting up
a call center.

With my sexy voice,
I'll be making mad commissions.

Commissions. Right.

You get ten percent of nothing
on every nothing you nothing.

Look, nobody here
is applying to the new job.


We got a good thing going here.

Norma! One potato, two potato.
Start counting.

And the rest of you
start slicing carrots,

and be grateful that you're not
scrubbing toilets no more.

What you got there?

Oh, you busting out
on your own now?

No. Right.

Go count that with the others.


I need numbers!

What if it turns out
to be, like,

picking up trash
on the side of the road?

They don't pay that much
for dummy work.

Nah, whatever it is, it's gonna
take skills and smarts.

Yeah, what are you gonna
wow them with,

your eyeliner skills
or your smarts

about how many words rhyme
with "bleak" in emo songs?

Fuck you
and your stupid sad face.

We didn't
take your baby away, okay?

Oh, yeah? You should shut up
about shit you don't know about.

- You should shut up.
- Hey!

You know,
at least I got ambition.

You, go scrub some pans.

What? Gross!
She started this shit!


I'm so done
with this depressing-ass place.

I just really miss you.

I'm so jealous.

Oh, baby, it's work.
And it's fuckin' Ke$ha.

You're not missing anything,

When you gonna let me
sell with you?

Or sell my own stuff?

My phone bill is, like,
crazy every month.

Just give me a little something.

The kids at my school
are, like, dying for it.

If you need money
for your phone bill, I got you.

I want to make my own money.

So I can buy you a present.

You're my present, baby.

I got to go, baby-

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

This is for a wedding?
It's got no back.

It's Emma Stone's Golden Globe
dress... the peach one.

But Mrs. Ramirez is like 57.

She's still got a nice back.

Looks really good.

I know. I do good work.

But even if I didn't...

I'm gonna sew
a Calvin Klein label on it.

So now you're Theresa Gonzales
for Calvin Klein?

Hey, more often than not, people
believe what you tell them.

What's all this scuttlebutt
with the new job assignment?


The gossip. The lowdown.

The 411.


Someone said
it was a party-planning job.

I stopped listening after that.

Electrical sucks without
Nicky's running commentary.

I wouldn't...
mind a new job assignment.

Is my look off-putting?


Harsh, scary.

Not pleasing.

There is a certain...

to your overall... thing.

Listen to you,
being frank and honest.


Now tell me
how to soften things.

I thought
that you and Dmitri were kaput.

That was not an invitation
to pry into my life.

Little beauty advice
is all I'm after.

Beauty comes from the inside.

However... smudging the corner
of your eyeliner,

not spiking your hair,

and a lighter lip couldn't hurt.

Hey, Pearson.


You know, "Danny" is fine.

Oh, well, we... we mostly use
last names around here.

Cool. Cool. Yeah.

Whatever you think makes sense.

You need to go?

Oh, no. No.

I just... I-I-I had my hands...
had to wash my hands.

Sometimes I need to count five
metal objects before I can pee.


Door hinge, door hinge,
flusher, tap, faucet.

Got this place wired.

After you.

Oh. Sure.

Y-you guys fired the warden.

That was a surprise.

Yeah. Well,
we absorbed the position.

Whatever that means.

Like we... soaked him up or something.

But good news for you,
though, is, uh, you know,

you're our main man
on the ground.

Everyone's been very happy
so far.

Oh, great. Great.

I-I... I was thinking,
maybe we could have a meeting,

all of us, old, new,

make... make sure
we're on the same page.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sure, sure.

No, I-l think
Jones or maybe Carson

is setting
something like that up.

Everyone's checking
their calendars.

Takes forever,
you know what I mean?

Just, like, everyone wants to be
the alpha dog.

"This time, that time, woof!"

But, uh, I'll make
the call on it soon.

You'll make the call?

Yeah. Yeah, I'll let you know.

Mr. Caputo...

...l made these for you.

Look at that.

Any word
on that new job situation?

Unconfirmed, Black. Keep moving.


But I want you to know

that I have a wide array
of talents

besides the criminal
and papier-maché variety.

Oh, I am sure you do.


How do they, uh,
know about the job?

Well, you... you're renovating
a building out there

that's been empty
since the '90s.

Any sniff
in a break in the monotony,

and these girls are all over it.

In fact,
that was one of the things

I was hoping
we could all discuss.

You throw off
the whole prison economy

when you introduce a job

that's paying
ten times the going rate.

I mean, it could get ugly.

Yeah, I could see that.

Well, we, uh, we have a system

that I think will, uh,
limit the ugliness.

- A system.
- Yeah.

That's great. Well, maybe...
maybe we can talk more about that?

Sure. Yeah. Talk right now.

Go up to my office, could pour us
a couple big glasses of water.

- I...
- You have to pee, don't you?

- Very much so.
- All right. To be continued.

Okay, Okay-

- Hello.
- Red.

Were you coming by to see me?

Came in for a drink of water.
It's a beautiful day.

Is it? I was stuck inside
doing paperwork.

Who's the real prisoner?

Still me... I think.

Hey, y-you look...

I don't know. You look lighter.

I feel lighter.

The new regime has fixed
all the soap dispensers.

Feels like opportunities
are sprouting up all around us.

It's funny that you say that.

Just the other day,
I was talking to some--

Hey, Healy,
I got a question for you.

- Reznikov, is it?
- Red.

Berdie. Sorry to interrupt.

Do you know who I can get
to drill a hole in my desk?

I want to run my lamp
and computer cords through

so they're not all
hanging out there, you know?

When you need
something like that done,

it needs to be cleared
through admin first.

What? That's silly.
Who's on maintenance crew?

You're on your own
with this one.

Come on. Give me a name.

Try Bortolino or Wiggins.
They'll be able to help you.

Awesome. Thank you.

You should come visit me, Red.

Check out my clean,
cordless environment.

We'll have a cup of tea.

See you later, Healy.

Not enjoying
your new colleague, hm?

She's perky.
I mean, who's that perky?

I agree. Perk is for coffee.

It's deplorable in people.

You missed a button.

There you go.
Now you're perfect.

Thank you.

I-I was just gonna go and, uh...

...get myself a perky cup of coffee
in the break room.

Well, don't drink too much.

Coffee can inflame the lining
of the small intestine

and lead to irritable bowels.

I'll... keep that in mind.

You know what some cultures
do to people who steal eggs?

They cut their hands off.

According to my last count,
you owe me four fucking hands.

When I helped you out
with the Vee situation,

we had a little
cross-cultural understanding.

But I don't remember
giving you permission

to set up your own shop,
magic Norma.

Especially not for free
and especially

when you don't know
what the fuck you're doing.

Santeria is some serious shit.

You start messing around,
you piss off the orishas...

Mira! I...

I don't need that on me.

And that's why...

I'm gonna take back... candle.

Oh, look... my eggs.

My beads.

My honey.

This ain't your history.

It ain't your culture.

It stops now.

Fine. You can keep the honey.

But it's for eating only.

I see you anointing anything
with this,

it's gonna be the last
sweet thing in your life.

Prisoner maintenance
detail to the cell room.

I don't care what Gloria says.
I'm going for it.

Gonna kill that interview
like I did job fair.

But you lost job fair.

Yeah, but this time,
there won't be an audience

so they won't get all, like, PC

and give it to that fat mayate
so she don't get all sad.

Gloria's right, though.

It's good, all of us together.

Who knows who they'll stick in
to replace you?

What if she's mean
or likes Coldplay or something?

It's all gelling right now.

So, I'm supposed to put on
that feo hairnet

and scrub pots and pans
every day because it's gelling?

I'm so much better than that.

You saying
you're better than me?

No! You're good, too.

All I'm saying
is that I got aspirations.

I always have, even in here.

You know, when I wear that apron
in the kitchen,

I'm really wearing it


I had no idea.

So, I thought, I got to do like
my morn and just knock it off.

You can do, like, chemistry?

Nah, nah.

Not even.

So, I found, like,
blotter clip art,

I printed it out,
I wet it a little bit.

Then I blow-dried it,
made little squares,

and I was in business
selling fake designer acid.

Brought it to the game
on Friday.

- By halftime, sold out.
- What?

I made some more yesterday...
little cherries. So cute.

And check it...
bought me some flatforms.

Those are cute.

They're like
flats and platforms in one.

Wow. That's why they're called
flatforms, dumbass.

Yo, Marisol.

Hey, Arturo.

Arturo's friends.

Willy said
he saw green alien guys

when he was tripping
on your shit.

They were leprechauns.

Dude, "aliens" sounds
so much cooler.

But they had little hats.

Aliens can't have little hats

because of their antennas
or whatever.

Do you think
you could hook us up again?

My boy Jason here
wants to try it.

Lately, he's been kind of down.

Yeah, I could hook you up.

But remember,
it's not for escaping reality.

It's for, like, embracing it.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, my God.
It's totally working.

People will believe
what you tell them.

Until they don't.

Someone's gonna come back pissed

and ask for a refund or punch
you in the face or something.


If they come back,
I say, "hold up.

What happened when you took it?"

And if they say, "nothing,"
I say, "What is nothing?"

Because some people say
there was nothing

when the universe was created,

but, like, isn't empty space
still something?

Open your mind
to the possibilities.

Maybe you're not
doing it right."

And then they come back

because they feel like
they didn't do it right.

I thought this shit through.

- You're such a mad genius.
- Yep.

Look at you. 'Round and 'round.

'Round all around. That's nice.

Just get to it.
Did you find him?

Daya, that fucker hobbled away
into the sunset.

I got into his house.

Nothing left
except some shitty clothes.

Found a mug in the sink
that looked like a grenade.

I thought that was cool.
I saved that for you.

But he's gone.

Daya, fuck that guy.

You're better off.

He had one leg.

I mean, you go around
losing body parts,

that's some
pretty irresponsible shit.

I was such a bitch.

I drove him away.

You have a life
growing inside of you.

That makes you say and do
all kinds of crazy shit

that make no sense.

But a real man knows
he has to suck it up

and take it for nine months.

Maybe you get a little
side action if need be.

But you don't split.

Even your loser father
stuck around till you was two.

The leaving is on him.

That's not on you.

So, what's gonna happen now?

You're gonna take the baby, right?

Daya, I love you
and I love your mother,

but shit is real hard
out here, okay?

And then your holy abuela,
you know,

she hookin' up with some old
dude that she met at tai chi.

Hardly ever see her anymore.


Christina got
some decent mommy skills.

Maybe she can take care
of the baby for a little while.

She's in junior high.

So what?

Junior high will still be there.

Plus, she's already done,
what, two years?

Yo, it's all good.
It's all good.

I actually thought he loved me.

And he probably did, Daya.

All guys love you... because
you're such a good girl.

But you know what?

love ain't stronger than débil.

That guy was a bitch.

This inside me, it feels like
a grenade right now.

And soon, it's gonna blow up
and take me with it.

It's not a mug.

My poor baby, man.

I'm sorry, Daya.

If it makes you feel any better,

next time I see
that motherfucker,

I'm gonna rape his ass
with a broken bottle

and I'm gonna shoot him in
the stomach so he bleeds slow.

That, I'm gonna do for you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You need to complete
the test in 12 minutes.

Twelve minutes.

Be honest with your answers.

And all pencils must be returned
at the end of the test.

If you do not return your
pencils, you will be given a...

- Present.
- "shot.

Well, look who's here.

A test?


I fucking suck at taking tests.

I get all itchy and anxious.

Can't think straight.

Don't turn the test
over till I say "begin."

Now I know they serious
about this job.

Reading test?


They probably got us building
warheads or some shit all day.

You really think they'll have
felons making weapons?

I don't know.

I heard the new guys
are military contractors.

I'm sure they up to some evil.

Have us making napalm
or... or... or...

...weaponizing smallpox.

Well, whatever it is,
we gonna be leaving up in here

with fish gills
and extra fingers.

That's not how mutation works.

Oh, really? How's it work?

Our babies would the ones

born with the fish gills
and extra fingers.

What we'd have is a bunch of
different cancers and lesions.

Shit like that.

Y'all so worried,
don't take the test.

It gives me a better chance.

It still make 89 cent more
than the warehouse.

Got my eye on that $16 fan
in commissary.

Or you can just use
your extra-finger hand

that you gonna have.

All right, ladies.

You may begin.

What the fuck?

"True or false: Ideas are more
important that real things"?

We are not supposed to
discuss the questions.

Check out question three.

"Agree or disagree:
Most people are brave."

Now, my thoughts on bravery

are supposed to tell them
I'm a good employee how?

So easy.

All right. Okay.

"I can feel overcome
with wonder in nature."

Yeah, well, I can feel that way,
but I shouldn't say that, right?

I mean, no one wants
a tree-hugger working for them.

Unless they're
one of those eco-companies

that makes, like, bamboo forks.

What have you guys heard?

Quiet, ladies.

Let's make a deal
that if one of us gets it

and the other one doesn't,
then we don't take it.

Like you even need
to say anything.


"I spend most of my time
trying to understand things."

"I spend...

...most of my time...

to understand things."

What are they getting at?

Will you shut up?
I'm trying to concentrate.

"I believe
people are basically moral."


You're supposed to
answer honest.

I do believe that.

You got to think deeper
than that.

People want to be good.

They really do, deep down.

But they just fuck up.

I thought they were gonna, like,
be interviewing us.

Not giving us
some weird-ass brain test.

Quiet, Gonzales.

Would you say
that I keep in the background?

I'm having a hard enough time

figuring out these questions
for myself.

What, I got to answer yours now, too?


I'm gonna go with "yes."

I keep in the background.

My mother always said

that silence can be
the loudest thing.

But she never shut the fuck up.

Oh, lordy, this is hard.

Quiet down, ladies.


What'd you put for 15?

I'm blowing it.

See? Now I'm getting all itchy.

- Shh!
- You shh!

Oh, my God.

Who can concentrate in here?

Gonzales, you're done.

- I didn't finish yet.
- Yes, you're done.

Hand over your test
and your pencil.

I don't speak Spanish,

so I'm gonna assume
you said, "Have a nice day."

Fuck you.

Another one bites the dust.

Want to help me
spend some money?

What happened
to saving for a car?

I think I need to invest in
some more emotional clothing...

...right now, you know?

And worry about the car later.

I need to dress
for my authentic self.

And for Ian.

- Yeah.
- Oh, what the fuck?!

You see me now?

Because I see me.

It's Jason.
I think he's fucked up.

I'm like a self-mirror.

I am silver and shimmery.

Jason, you fucking idiot!

I'm failing Math
and Western Civ.

Everybody's failing western civ!

How did he even get up there?

Fuck it.

You should plant some kale.

I hear it's become very popular.

The stuff that stays all clay
on a deli platter?

That's a garnish,
not something to eat.

It's supposed to be
loaded with vitamins.

You were right.

Gorgeous day.

Hey, there, Jones,
you old string bean.


Speaking of string beans,

Jones has some requests
for the vegetable garden.

Now, don't go getting
any funny ideas with me now,

you old burner.

I do know what
a wacky tobacky leaf looks like.

Excuse me.
I have somewhere nicer to be.

Oh, no.

Stay. Have a little more
fun with us.

- Sit.
- Such fun.

Yeah, I was
at a hippie music festival once.

Must have been, like, ten or so.

Mother was away, and my older
brother was in charge of me.

His buddies and I,
we hitchhiked there.

Healy... such a rebel.

Oh, no. No.
I was scared out of my mind.

For two days, I was living with
a golf ball stuck in my throat,

choking back the tears.

It was absolute chaos.

Pouring rain...
nobody seemed to care.

And people
just kept wandering around.

They were dancing completely
naked, filthy with the mud.

It was, like, unbelievable.

Were you at Woodstock?

Somewhere upstate.

Plus, somebody stole
my Johnny Unitas football.

I never wanted to be home
so badly.

You guys understand that, right?

Sounds like it was
very traumatizing for you.

I don't know.

My brother,
he's an insurance appraiser now.

Mostly boats
and other watercraft.

This is nice.

Fresh air...

...good company-.

So, she wants this.

Does that look edible to you?

- How you think you did?
- Who can tell?

Come on! We just got started.

Man, I pluck my chin hairs.
Ain't that upkeep enough?

- Got to run, too?
- Mind, body.

You know
what I'm just now realizing?

I'm pretty damn happy
with both those departments.

I'm walking.

Come on!

To the greenhouse,
then we can slow it down.

Let's go!

Man, if I sweat my hair out...

Come on! Let's go!

Titties flapping everywhere.

Please tell me
that's a margarita.

Yeah. Lemonade.

Made from the finest
powdered ingredients

the commissary has to offer.

With the pink sweetener,
not the blue.


Thank you.

God, I've been laying manure
for the last four hours.

The latest rumor is
that our new corporate overlords

are gonna be testing
genetically modified wheat out here.

See? Who says prison doesn't
prepare you for the outside world?

You know,
when we get out of here,

I could find electrical work,
you could landscape.

We could drive a pickup truck.

We would be
living lesbian stereotypes.

We could stop shaving
and start camping.

We could go to golf tournaments.

No? No.

No golf.

Who's that girl?

She's not in orange,
so she's not new.

I've never seen her before,

and then today,
twice in one day.

It's a prison phenomenon.

It's, like, when you think
you've seen everyone,

you suddenly notice
that there's a girl

with a port-wine birthmark
on her face

that has been working with you
in electrical since you got here

and you'd never seen her before.

No. That phenomenon
is called "self-absorbed."

something is up with her.

She's super-sketchy.

And clearly her Disney princess
is Jasmine.

Look. Look.
She just looked at me.

Twice in one day
out of nowhere, Piper?

It's weird.

And he knows that I'm in here.

So... so, you're saying
that Kubra found a girl

who was headed to prison...

...or, better yet,
convinced someone

to get arrested, charged,
sent to prison,

and then manipulated it

so that they would be
assigned here specifically

so they could get you?

I'm telling you, he's twisted.

He plays the long game.

He's too smart to send in a girl

who looks like
she's From Cyprus.

That's a rookie move.

you're a paranoid racist.

She probably just thinks
you're cute.

But if she tries to hit on you,

I will smack a bitch down.

I've heard girls
talking about you,

saying you can offer help.

I'm in a pretty dark place.

Is this, like, a guru situation?

I went to see Amma once...
the hugging saint.

Waited for three hours
to get hugged.

But then
Seamus said he felt sick.

Said it was from the sun
and the chia pudding,

but I'm pretty sure
he just got impatient.

I could have used that hug.

I don't know why I didn't stay.

Yes, I do.

I didn't stay
so Seamus and Meadow

could go back to the lake
and have sex and do slack line.

So I missed my hug.

Do those sound like
good friends to you?

I mean... why don't I have
people in my life

who really care about me?

Maybe it's me.

I've been lazy.

But there are connections
to be made in here, right?

I mean, I see people
who care about each other

all over this place,
and they were all new once.

Yeah. That makes sense.

I get it.
This is your thing.

You give people
this meaningful stare,

and people project
their feelings onto it.

It's really soothing.

I feel better.

Thank you.

Inmates, no touching.

Oh, thanks. Thanks for helping.

Yeah, you steal from someone
who's giving it away for free,

that's like
double negative karma.

Yeah, it is pretty fucked up.

You know this isn't gonna be ready
for like another week or so, right?

- A week?
- Yeah.

Fuck Rome.

You got any suspects?

You know, it could be Papadakis.

I know a couple of girls
got sick off her shit.

Yo, maybe she's trying to steal
my secret ingredient.

- Cinnamon!
- Watermelon!

No and no, all right?

Fuck you. I ain't telling you.

I think that squirrel's dead.

He's just been laying up
in that branch this whole time.

Yo, don't do that, man!

She gonna come down,
come for your face

and claw your eyes out and shit.

My cousin had a ferret
who did that.

That squirrel
is not giving one shit.

Maybe he's retarded.

Maybe he's drunk.

What, you saying that little
thing is the hooch bandit?

Come on, y'all.

The bags are heavy,
they were buried deep.

I don't think so.

He's not that little.

Maybe his daddy fucked a raccoon
and he's one of those hybrid species.

A squacoon.

His tail is
kind of stripey-like.

Thank you.

Squirrels and raccoons
can't mate, a'ight?

They're, like,
two totally different species.

Whatever he is,
I think he's your problem.

You got to defend your stash.

On the farm, my daddy used
pee and cayenne pepper

to keep the skunks away.

I suppose I should start out
by apologizing,

which I've had to do a lot
through the years for George,

although this one
really takes the cake.

I suppose I shouldn't mention
cake, because you're probably--

You can have it.


The... the baby?

I don't know
if it's a boy or a girl.

It doesn't matter.

Either way, I don't want it.

My mom says
you have a real nice house

so it'll have
its own room and stuff.

Yes. That's true.

You seem upset.

I'm pregnant in prison, lady.

Were you really expecting for me
to be all happy and glowy?

No. No.

I just... I thought...

I thought we would talk
a little bit more.

What is there to say?

I don't feel anything
for this baby.

It's hard to have love
for something

that's camping out
on your bladder.

I remember watching my ass
turn into my Aunt Louise's.

It was not a good look.

But... I also remember having
these really vivid dreams.

None of this
is what dreams are made of.

It was just a mistake.

So if you're trying to prove
something by taking that on,

God bless.

I am trying to prove something.

I-I know that's crazy, but I...
he was always...

Look, the nurse, when I was
checking out of the hospital,

handed me George
all wrapped up in a blanket

and said, "You have
a difficult child. Good luck."

And she was right.

I should have done more,
you know?

I was young
and I was in a bad marriage,

and you just realize stuff
as time goes on.


Look. He's my kid.

He's my responsibility, even now.

And I love him.
And I will love that baby.

And I'm gonna do this right,
Ms. Diaz.

I am committed.

All yours.

Are we done here?

Oh, my God.
You don't even know me.

I mean, I-l could be
some kind of ax murderer

who wants to make coats

out of the skins of babies
or something.

I watch... I watch
a lot of "true crime" TV.

You want the baby. I said yes.

Why do you keep on pushing me?

Because I'm afraid
you'll change your mind.

I'm afraid that you'll snap out
of this depression

and wonder,
"what was I thinking?"

You got a paper?

I'll sign it over right now.

You'll get your do-over baby,
and I'll have a chance

to start a life where I just
got to worry about me.

You can't sign the paper
until you've had the baby.

Oh, I get it now.

Is there somebody in here
that you could talk to?

You know,
a professional or something?

My counselor's an old white man

who tries to connect
by saying "hola" in the hallway.

And lucky for you,
my mom is all up for the deal.

I talk to her sometimes.

When she's not being
a total bitch.

Go, team.

Well, I'm gonna come back
and visit you again really soon,

and we'll talk some more.

It was very nice to meet you, Dayanara.


Watch. Check it out. See?

Oh, yeah!
Mama's got a brand-new bag!


'Course fucking Chapman got it.

Oh! Fuck yeah! That's me.

Queen of the new job

Whoo! Yes!

Ain't nobody's maid no more!

No! Quit that.

How do you know
that job's any good anyhow?

I thought you liked cleaning.

No, but I failed, T.

I should have answered
the question

in the reverse of how I felt.

The opposite of me is better.

The opposite of you is... boring.

You're obviously too...
creative for that job.

You bitches get in? Hm?


Oh, well, then we promise
not to throw

our new, high-paying jobs
in your face too much.

That's just business, right?

You know, some cutthroat shit.

Oh, anyway...

So, you think I need
a fresh, new first-day 'do?

Yeah! Hook it up, look hot.

Maybe some little spirals,
some curls, you know.

Hey... Gonzales.


I saw you got in.

Holy shit.

You know, I was psyching myself
out the whole time.

But I guess my smarts
must have kicked in anyhow.

So cool. How 'bout you?

Nah. Still stuck in the toilet,
so to speak.

Calgon, take me away!

I'm sorry about that.

But, you know,
I'm gonna tell everybody I know

to try to pee real neat
from now on, okay?

Make your life a little easier.

Thanks for that.

Come on. Come on.

Get out the way.
Hurry up.

Look how close our bunks are.

Now we can share
each other's clothes.

They're announcing
who got the new job assignment.

You want to go see?

Yeah. Okay.

You still on the lookout
for shanking belly dancers?

To quote Philip K. Dick,
"lt's strange how paranoia

can link up with reality
now and then."

You know, Kubra probably
loves me since I lied for him.

Maybe I'm his gal
on the inside.

Ha ha.

You know what I would use
for my shank?

- Your very own toothbrush.
- Fuck off.

Seriously, did he reach out
to you after the trial?

No. I'm just playing-

Or am I?

Quit it, Piper.
You're freaking me out.

Be straight.

Did you talk to him?

You have to tell me.

Wait... like,
if you were a drug dealer,

hypothetically, and I was a narc

and you were asking me
if I was a cop?

"21 jump street"-style?

Yeah, exactly like that.

I have not been hired
to kill you, Alex.

Or psychologically torture me?

Well... not by Kubra's command.

Will you stop
making light of this?

There is a very real possibility

that he would send someone
for me.

Okay, you're right.
No, I'm...

I'm done.

Unless, of course,
I'm hiding a weapon in my bra.

I think you need to check.

Everything boils down
to control with you!

All I'm saying is, if you took
Howard Street rather than Maple,

we would save three minutes
on the drive.

It's not controlling...
it's efficient.

It's three minutes.

And I enjoy the houses on Maple.
They're quaint.

Along with the, uh, red-painted
door and the tire swing.

Makes me think
maybe the world's a nice place.

I'll take that thought
over three minutes any day.

My hours got cut.

See? I was right. I knew it.

Smoke and mirrors.

Sorry, Ford.

No, mine too... in half.

Sons of bitches.

You think this is just us?
Have we been slacking?

You let an inmate steal a van,
kill another inmate with it.

I mean, that's pretty egregious.

Suck it, O'neill.

I was found to be
not at fault for that.

No, this is them...
corporate greed mongers.

So, who's covering
the hours we're losing?

More mongers.
They multiply like gremlins.

You still think
the world's a nice place?


Hey, what you think?
Does this say "swag"?

Great job
not rubbing it in our faces.

Hey, I didn't say that. Watson did.

Yo, did you talk
to your girl, Poussey?

She didn't take the test.


She too busy fighting off

some imaginary
drink-thievin' racquirrel

to worry about this shit.

Outside pissing in circles,
making traps.

You need to come clean.

Tell her you took her shit
'fore she really get cracked.

Are her traps humane?

Cartoon-style with a stick and a box.

Look, I'd rather see her
running around like a fool

than sleeping and drinking
all damn day.

At least she's up and moving.

Up and moving and giving Looney Tunes
here a run for her money.

Well, she's got a goal now.

I'll tell her... eventually.

But... don't rush.

You know, once you know
Santa Claus isn't real,

it's all... downhill from there.

Okay, what the hell's
Santa Claus got to do with this?

It's good to have
something to believe in.

Giant drunky squirrel, Santa.

It's like the test said...
ideas are better than reality.

And you agree with that?

Well, no wonder
you didn't get the job.

The reality
they was talking about

was working your ass off
for the man.

Your answer basically
told the man to fuck off.

I didn't mean that.

Wait, so, do you think I should
talk to somebody and say... know, explain myself.

See, I think
that ship has sailed, my dear.

Time to go sweep up
some pube hives.

I like to think of them
more like pube nests.

Everybody's got
fucking opinions!

Well, consolation Snickers on me
later, scrubs.

Puff out.


Something is missing in my life.

No matter how much reading
and gardening I do, my mind drifts.

I have this need.


An overwhelming need... a drive.

A hunger.

A hunger?


I am missing the heat, you know?

That flush in my face
that only comes from real...


Oh, yeah.

I understand.

Give me something
to be consumed with, Healy.

Sure, it leaves me
with blisters and burns

and an aching back,
but it's work... real work.

And I yearn for it.

A-are you talking about
the kitchen?

It is a proven fact
that people in retirement

are more likely
to get Alzheimer's.

I don't want to become Jimmy,

walking around
with my underwear on my head.

I need purpose and stimulation.

Well, Mendoza's doing a fine job
in the kitchen.

We have no reason
to replace her.

So you'll have to...'ll have to look
somewhere else for your s...

You'll have to find your purpose
somewhere else.

I'm sure with this new regime,
there will be changes.

Maybe you can
slip this one through, as well.

Please. Comrade to comrade.

Look, Red...
this is protocol.

You got busted for those drugs.

There's no way
Caputo's signing off on this.

You didn't get to where you are

without knowing
how to work the system.

I respect the system.

Don't you also respect me?

Jesus, Red.

I thought you were different.

I bet a bunch of those girls
didn't answer the questions honestly.

I ain't 100 percent sure I did.

Yeah, it was confusing.

I had to take a test like that
one time,

when I applied to be an RA.

What's an RA?

A resident advisor,
like, for my dorm in college.

I didn't get that one, either.

We must be too emotional.

And that's bad?

I mean, it doesn't make
for a good employee.

Like, I read a horrible article
this morning

about this woman getting stoned
in Iran for adultery,

and it seriously made me
so upset

that I've folded this laundry
like four times already.

Emotional equals unproductive,
I guess.

I like getting stoned.

Who doesn't?


Getting stoned...

It's so fun.



How 'bout Walmart?

It's so big. I went there once.

I noticed that there was
a lot of cheap shit in there.

Like, just everything
you could ever want.

Someone check the hot dogs
out there.

- I think they're running low.
- I just refilled them.

Well, stay on them.
That no-carb trend is back.

I'm up to my ears in buns.

Oh. Look who decided to grace us
with her presence.

Throw an apron on.
We'll talk punishment later.

I got the job.

I'm supposed to start
in a few minutes.

I just wanted to come
let you know.

Oh. How considerate of you.

To show your front

while you're turning your back
on your family.

I earned it, Gloria.
You should be proud of me.

Because of that test?

I heard some of the questions
on that test.

It's not even about anything.

They were obviously about
something, and I got them right.

Blanca took it, too,
and she didn't get picked.

Oh, so now you're better
than us.

What, you're chosen?

Oh, watch out, Norma. Flaca is
moving in on your territory.

That's right. I am better.

Better than all you bitches.

Maybe I got C's in high school

because my personality
is too complex

for mainstream academics.

Some people are born
for greatness.

How nice that prison could help
you realize your full potential.

Fuck you!

Your budget is $800,000.

Many private islands
in the Keys

sell for over $10 million,
so finding...

- Marisol Gonzales?
- Yes.

Can we talk to you for a minute?

- You're under arrest.
- What are you talking about?

Jason Anders
is in critical condition.

You better hope he lives.

I do. He's a nice kid.
But that's not my fault.

You sold him
a controlled substance.

I did not.

I sold him a piece of paper.

That crazy was all him.

Listen to me.

I sold him plain paper

with nothing
but water and print on it.

It was all fake.

Yeah, well, his reaction to it
was very real.

- And it's a crime regardless.
- No.

Ma'am, your daughter
is under arrest

for fraud and endangerment.

That's all we know.

No. No, this is not real.

- Let's go. Officer.
- No, this can't be real.

- I didn't do nothing! No! No!
- Officer.

It was paper!

Ma'am, we can talk about it
down at the precinct.

Hey, I-l understand

the new job assignments
were announced, and...

- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- ...l read over that test.

Where did... where did you
come up with that?

Oh, I just, uh,
pulled that off the internet.

Some kind of
new assessment technique?

It was like
a personality quiz or something.

I don't even know.
We didn't even read them.

Jones just pulled 40
out of a pile randomly,

and those were the winners.

That's your system?
Random selection?

My system is to make the ladies
think that there is a system.

So they don't hate us
for not getting the job.

They're mad at themselves
for not having what it takes.

But you reviewed the files of
the women you selected, right?

I mean, made sure there were
no risks in that job placement?

We'll have COs on post.

We've had a lot of success
with this model.

I have to tell you
that our model

for not allowing
violent criminals

to work with sharp tools
or arsonists in the kitchen

hasn't been so bad, either.

You're right.

Yeah, no, I totally get it.
You're right.

I think what we'll do
is we'll send you the list,

and then
if there are any red flags,

you can send those back to us,

and... and we'll adjust

Good thinking, Caputo.

Thanks a lot.

I feel really lucky you're here.

- Great.
- Great.


Congratulations on landing
this coveted new job.

This is an opportunity
for all of you

to learn a very in-demand trade.

And we hope
that you will take it

as seriously as we did
when selecting you.

Ladies, welcome to Whispers.


We makin' panties?