Orange Is the New Black (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - You Also Have a Pizza - full transcript

Love is in the air as the inmates prepare for a Valentine's Day party; Red makes an intriguing new discovery. Larry asks Piper to be his prison mole.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[ Gate Closes ]

[ Woman ]
♪ The animals, the animals ♪

♪ Trapped, trapped, trapped
till the cage is full ♪

♪ The cage is full
The day is new ♪

♪ And everyone is waiting,
waiting on you ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪

♪ Think of all the roads ♪

♪ Think of all their crossings ♪

♪ Taking steps is easy ♪

♪ Standing still is hard ♪

♪ Remember all their faces ♪

♪ Remember all their voices ♪

♪ Everything is different ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

[ Gate Closes, Lock Clicks ]

♪ And you've got time ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪♪

[ Gate Closes, Lock Clicks ]

What do I think love is?

Uh, it's like when someone makes
your stomach feel all tight...

but floaty at the same time, you know?

And your cheeks hurt from smiling.

You smile so much...

that people think somethings
wrong with you.

Love is light.




Horrible pain.

That you want again and again.

And also fucking.

24-7, deep-dick, can't-walk-right fucking.

Oh, you know me.

I got so much to say about love.

[ Maritza ]
And one year, this Wall Street guy...

flew me in a helicopter to DC.

For serious?

Valentine's Day makes guys go crazy.
They love it.

Men hate Valentine's Day.

They don't act like they hate it.

That's because you look
like Sofía Vergara.

Them things is real.
I once saw her jogging in Tribeca.

Ian hasn't visited in so long.

It'd be nice if he showed up tomorrow.

But he's only got a Vespa...

and it's too cold to ride this far.

One year, Yadriel got me flowers.

He stole them from his cousin's funeral.
It was so sweet.

Please. Valentine's Day was invented...

to make people feel like shit if they're
not part of some perfect couple.

- True. - Diablo says there
are no perfect couples...

but each couple is perfect in its own way.

It must be hard being locked up
on Valentine's Day.

That's all.

Aw. Thank you, Fischer.

That was really empathetic of you.

- You want a cookie?
- Oh, sure. Thank you.

Ripped By mstoll

- You need some water, Fischer?
- [ Muffled ] I'll be fine.

- I knew she didn't swallow.
- [Women Chuckle]


Where'd you make
reservations for tomorrow night?


Shh. I'm trying to pretend
like we're a normal couple.

Oh. Um...

well, I got us
a table for two at Lorenzo's.

The one by the fireplace.

I can't wait for you to see my dress.

It's sexy, but not slutty. You know.

I can't wait to see it.

Mamita. Uh, can you get me
another bag of flour?


What's this?

It's a list.

Wanna keep the mother-in-law happy, right?

I figured I might as well
make use of Sleepy Hollow...

before the other shoe drops.

Get it?

So this is what Vee negotiated for us-
using these broke-ass showers?

- Man, that's some broke-ass negotiating.
- You think?

You do know that long showers
are bad for you.

Yeah. Yeah. Mess with
your keratinocytes and whatnot.

Hey, Suzanne. Shut the fuck up.

Man, why the hell would I leave the
library? It's the best job here.

Because books do not pay the rent.

Books do not bourguignonne the beef.
We are startin' something.

I don't wanna join custodial.

And yet I am still asking you.

No way. No.

Do you know how easy
it would have been for me to say no...

when you said,
“Vee, get me out of this group home...

save me from the sick,
fuck-faced foster father I got”?


It's not fair.

Fair? Girl, please.

Fair is where you go get you some cotton
candy, where you ride the tilt-a-whirl.

I'm looking for Jack.

He's not here.

He buys me chocolates every year.

We're on a fixed income, of course...

but he's got to treat his Duckie right,
he says.

And if he can't find me,
they'll be wasted.

Fuck. Kill me in my sleep
if I ever get like that.

Look, you gonna think about it, right?

And then you gonna do as I say.


It's just chillin', you know?

Kickin' it with somebody, talking...

making mad stupid jokes.

And, like, not even
wanting to go to sleep 'cause...

then you might be
without 'em for a minute.

And you don't want that.

♪ Hey there, Delilah ♪

♪ What's it like
in New York City? ♪

- ♪ I'm a thousand miles away ♪
- [ Speaking German ]

♪ But, girl, tonight you look so pretty
Yes, you do- ♪♪


And... done.

Ah, who's next? Who's next?

- [ Cheering ]
- Whoo!

Get a room!

German, fool. Talk it.

Zing? Zinger?

Das Zimmer. You're part of a community.
Respect its language.

My father's part of a community.

I'm the unfortunate
appendage he drags about...

wherever your fight
against terror takes him.

How many times have you had to move
in your short little life?

Too many.
But this is the end of the road.

My pops promised.

How do you say “I'd like to watch...

as you two make sweet,
sweet lady love” in German?

Nein, motherfucker. Nein.

This job is bullshit.

[ English Accent ]
No. 'Tis a rewarding puzzle.

Ain't no puzzle.
Makes electrical look good.

I can't believe I let that old bitch
talk me into this.

I wouldn't speak ill
of Miss Parker's methods.

She wouldn't tolerate such words.

[ Normal Voice ]
Hey. Now, Watson got the right...

to express her discomfort for her new job.

[ English Accent ] Just because cleaning
quiets your discombobulation...

doesn't mean it does so for everyone.

[ Normal Voice ]
Point well made, Moppet. Point well made.

[ Laughing ]

You such a dumb-ass.

Hey, Watson. You look a little tired.

Maybe I could come by later
and massage your quads.

[ Chuckles ]
Get the fuck outta here.

Whatever y'all got going on in here-

taking over custodial- I want a piece.

I use it to cover my eyes.

That way, you know, I won't see anything.

Tomorrow night, I am going to put the “V”
in your Valentine.

That's right. Fuck me.

Hey, Warren, who gonna be
your Valentine this year?

You always battin'
them freaky blacks at somebody.

No, no. This year,
I'm lovin' someone who deserves me- me.

[ English Accent ]

- [ Normal Voice ] Shut up.
- Whatever.

Depressing-ass time of year, you ask me.

[ Janae ]

[ Black Cindy ]

You pissed your pants?

I'm-a go find you a diaper.

[ Woman On PA ] Your attention, please.
Visiting hours are now open.

All prisoners are free
to go to the visiting room.

Florence Henderson's birthday.

- What?
- Valentine's Day.

Florence Henderson's birthday.

We should be having our annual naked
Brady-thon celebration...

and I should be doing some kind of a
striptease to “Sunshine Day”...

and then maybe something- maybe something
with... Wesson oil, if that-






I heard about your grandma.


I want my home.

When I get out of here...

I wanna come home.

That's quite the statement.

You sure about that?


I'm sure.

Well, I'm not asking you.

I'm asking future Piper...

free Piper.

Can you guarantee that you still will?

Future Piper hopes so.

Present Larry can't live on hope.

Wasabi peas and peanut butter
pretzels apparently, but not hope.

Please don't mention those things...

unless you're hiding some
up your butt for me.

[ Clears Throat ]


This, uh- This reporter from City Post,
Andrew Nance...

he, um- he asked me about
financial irregularities here.

Uh, vendors that don't exist,
buildings that were never built.

And I was like, “Fuck that.”

Why should he write it? I'll write it.

Write what?

An article-

with you investigating from the inside.

Freedom of the press shouldn't only be
a privilege of the free, right?

- Oh, my God.
- What do you say?

Oh, my God. Larry. Jesus Christ.

- What?
- You're doing it again.

What are you talking about?

We'll- We'll fucking expose
this place, Piper.

You're the moon, Larry.

You have got to stop being the moon.

- What's wrong with being the moon?
- It doesn't have its own light.

Right. So what, that-
What, that makes you the sun?

Are you the sun, Piper?

Huh? You're the center
of the solar system...

and I'm just a dead hunk of crap rock?

How am I supposed to become
my own planet, Piper...

when your shit is still everywhere?

Huh? You get to move on.

You get to fuck Alex
or- or whoever's next, and I am stuck.

I'm stuck with your-your-
your sweaters and your shoes...

and your goddamn Sephora
fucking outlet store worth of products.

You are everywhere.

It's like living inside a-a sarcophagus.

Well, take my stuff to Polly's
if it's so in your way.

- And you mean “mausoleum,” not
“sarcophagus.” - Don't tell me what I mean!

[ Guard Clears Throat ]

[ Sighs ]

At least people can walk on the moon.

Anyone gets near the sun,
they burn right up.

Vee says she's too old.

Don't believe it for a second.

What that woman did to me-

- People don't change.
- [ Power Tool Whirring ]

Hurry it up, will you!

I'm trying, Ma.
The sparks are burning my cheeks.

Then turn your head. Where's your brother?

He got claustrophobic.

He's in the woods guarding the entrance.

[ Sighs ]
I'm just so sad, Mamushka.

I'm sorry she left you, Vasily...

but I'm sure you
did something to deserve it.

I used to watch her sleep...

and pray for the strength
to stop ruining everything, Ma.

And how did that work out for you?

Oh, no work today. Come back tomorrow.

- Well, Jack said he would be out here.
- I saw him get into a taxi.

A taxi?

Out here?

Imagine that.

Thank you, young lady.

- Hurry it up, will you!
- [Whirring ]

[ Grunts ]

- Mama!
- You and your disgusting whining.

If you want your woman back,
go get her.

Now hand up the shit.

Come on!

- When you get out of here-
- Mm-hmm.

Who do you imagine yourself
going home to?

Fiona Apple in the “Criminal” video.


Stupid question. What about you?

I always thought it would be Larry...

but I think it's time to reimagine.

This stupid fuckin' holiday.

Listen. If you want,
I can help you forget what day it is.

- Yeah, or your name, for that matter.
- You know, no.

I am not interested in being a prize-

albeit a shockingly undervalued one-

- in your little sex game.
- Fine.

I lost my manipulative,
gorgeous, psychopath ex...

and my sweet, kind...

unfocused fiancé.

I don't have a home anymore.

Yeah, Chapman. You do.

- [ Electricity Crackles]
- [Yelps ]

This shitpile!

Home, sweet home.

Look, I gotta say...

your unfocused fiancé's
on the right track with this article shit.

This is, like, my 20th time trying to fix
the short in this panel alone.

Nobody's spending money here.

- [ Knocking ]
- Hey.

Gallego said you were looking for me.

Oh, Joe.
These phone calls- they're amazing.


[ Woman ] I said to keep
an eye on him, not fuck him.

[ Woman #2 ]
It was only in the ass. It don't count.

- [ Woman #1 ] I'm telling Mom.
- Whoa.

I know. Anyway,
it's so interesting, all these lives.

- It's like reading Dickens.
- That's good.

Showing initiative.

Maybe it'll help get Fig off my ass.

She asked me to impose a shot quota.
It's ridiculous.

I love that you stand up to her.

So, how are things going with, um-

What's his name?

They're not... going.
He wore a lot of vests.


Well, that- that happens. You-

You know, I- I play in this band.

You're in a band? Wow.

Yeah? Yeah.

It's no big deal. I-

We play in town tomorrow night.
You wanna come?

Oh, I'm working the Valentine's party.

[ Whispering ]
I'll get you off.

I'll-I'll get you off the schedule.

Uh, I- I-

I-I can get your shift covered.
l-It's fine.

Well, I do love music.

- That'd be awesome. Thanks.
- Great.

- I'll see you there then.
- Okay.

I had this thing with my boss
at Long John Silver's...

and then I found out
his wife was wicked hot.

That was nice.

“How do you know I'm mad?” said Alice.

“You must be,” said the cat,
or you wouldn't have come here.”

Mmm. Shit. You right.

Lewis Carroll must have gone to prison.

R.J.'s mom was named Alice.

Oh, yeah? She fall down a rabbit hole?

- Nah, a crack hole.
- Ah.

She found a little rock
said “Smoke me” on it.

That's not funny. That shit was serious.

“Smoke me.” Man, you a dumb-ass.

say good-bye. You're on custodial now.


Wait. You leavin?

[ Sighs ]

Remember I told you
Vee was gettin' something together?

But why would you leave the library, man?
You know you love it here.

You don't understand.

I owe her.

She could probably get you transferred,
I bet.

Nah. Nah, I know when I got it good.

Yeah, okay.

Well, I'll see you at dinner.

[ Groans, Sucks Teeth ]

[ Both Speaking German ]



[ Woman ] ♪ Can you remember
when it started to rain? ♪


[ Moans ]

♪ Well, it's daytime ♪

♪ I'm never going back
out of my mind ♪

♪ Well, it's daytime ♪

♪ And I might have
to open my eyes- ♪♪

[ Moaning ]

[ Door Opens ]

[ Women Chattering ]

[ Objects Rattling ]

[ Rattling ]

[ Jingling ]

[ Detector Beeps ]

- Just this.
- It's on the list.

It's fucking vapor.

Give me a break, Eliqua. Caputo's up my
ass today. Put it in your car.

- Next.
- [ Detector Beeps ]

[ Coughing ]

Pat-downs are mandatory now.

I'm just kidding.

I don't wanna touch that peg-leg shit.

Happy Valentine's Day.


Look at this shit.

You're lucky you're pretty.
You know that, right?

[ Maritza ]
What does that one say?

Ian. In case he shows up today.
I'm stupid.

I'm so glad we're family.

[ Singsongy ]
Happy Valentine's Day.


[ Inhales, Exhales ]

Are you cooking up
something special for me today?

The house smells great.

That's what you're gonna expect me to do?

Cook for you, be your little housewife,
huh? It's not happening.

No, no. I- I thought we were playing the-

I don't care if you cook.

Sorry. I've just been depressed today.

I don't wanna play
the normal game anymore.

'Cause I don't know how
we ever are gonna be normal.

[ Brook ] Just so you know, counselors
can be a great resource...

if you need to talk or cry or something.

- Who'd you get?
- Healy.

- Oh.
- What's wrong?

Nothing. I just get the sense
that none of the girls really like him.

But you're tough. You'll be fine.

Have you noticed we've been blowing a lot
of fuses around here lately?

You're just noticing
this place is falling apart?

Doesn't the prison have a budget
for infrastructure?


And what happened to the electrical budget
from last quarter?

It went to upgrading the “A” block grid
and loading-dock panel.

- Really? We did that?
- That's what the budget report says.

- So we did it?
- Okay.

- So it happened?
- Why not?

- I don't understand.
- [ Chuckles ]

Trust me, you don't want to.

Congratulations. Hour's up.

You just earned another 11 cents.

[ Fingers Snap ]

All right, everybody. Dolphin pose.

I think I can help you
with the dolphin pose.

The trick is to make sure
that your pelvic basin-

Get away from me.

No way. Thanks, Red.

[ Gasps ]

Red. Bless you.

[ Man On PA ]
Laundry now available for pickup.

Now let's return to dolphin pose.

Kukicha tea.

Well, look who's back.

Sorry to interrupt, girls.

Continue with your... dolphins.

Just bagged a four-pointer.

We're almost tied.

Listen up.

This angry nonsense has to stop.

We're going to need each other soon.

All of us.

[ Man On PA ] Medical staff,
report to the visitation hall.

I'm not kidding, Nicky.

We have to stick together.

We're stronger together.

So you try to buy their love back?

[ Scoffs ]

Thanks, Red.

Why- Why are you asking me that?

You- You shouldn't be talking to me.

You shouldn't be.

[ Vee ]
Fourteen foot powders.

[ Chang ]

- Twenty Effergrips.
- Check that.

Remember when we sold smokes?

God, I swear I'm gonna vote Libertarian.

I've gotta run to my car.
I'll be right back.

Mind if I step out for a moment?

I don't give a shit.

Let me guess.

“Yo, Vee, I'm just so mad...

since y'all got Taystee
transferred to custodial.

Just left me in the library
with my titties in my hand.”


Nah. You left out, "If you get her in
trouble, I'll kill you."

- Really?
- You bet.

- And how would you kill me?
- I'll figure it out.

[ Scoffs ]
I know she thinks she owes you.

But from what I heard,
you're just a bully...

who uses lost kids for her own shit...

and then dumps 'em
as soon as the heat comes down.

You're a fucking vampire.

There was this kid growing up.

His name was Haro Jones.

Oh, he had these arms.

I just wanted to lick
the length of his arms.

Then one day, I walked into the park...

find his hand up Jamela Larkin's skirt.

Broke my poor fool heart.

Look, lady, I don't give a fuck
about your little stories and-




love... you.

She will never love you.

Not the way you want.

Yo, I don't want her like that.

I'm just looking out for her. That's all.

[ Scoffs ]

[ Man On PA ]
Corrections officers to “B” block.

Corrections officers to “B” block.

[ Knocking ]

Yo, Pops, some fucking Chinese soldiers
was just smoking right outside my window.

I'm so sorry.

What? Where's Mom?

She's fine.

We're being transferred
back to the States.

I don't know why, but... we are.


I'm sorry.

I let you both down, P.

I don't know what to say.

[ Sobs ]

[ Sobbing ]

All right.


You're out of bounds, Chapman.

Well, I won't tell if you don't.

[ Woman On Walkie-talkie ] All first-level
trustees check in for kitchen duty.

Treating us like we're prisoners.

Hey. You know, I heard
that there were plans to build a gym here.

- Do you know what ever happened to that?
- What always happens.

[ Healy ]
I'll take it from here.

Just looking for a faulty wire.

Then why are you
asking Maxwell about a gym?

From what I hear,
you're full of questions lately.

You know that I have always been interested
in the health and safety of others.

I'm trying to help you with your nana.

So, again, why are you
asking all these questions?

Freedom of the press shouldn't only be
a privilege of the free.

What the fuck does that mean?

What does the press have
anything to do with this?

I'm starting a prison newsletter.

- A newsletter?
- A newsletter.

A newsletter.

Written by the prisoners
with, um, articles...

and op-ed pieces.

That is why I've been trying to get out of
my bubble and get to know this place.

We- This- This is our home.

We should all be communicating more.

Inmates, guards...


This could really,
really help us get to know each other...

and this place better.

Pending your approval, of course...

Mr. Editor In Chief.

Don't oversell it.

- A newsletter.

Okay. I'm not saying yes.

Show me some sample stories by tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Sure. Okay. Yeah.

The girls used to like me.

They will again.

Hey, hey, hey. How my girls doin'?


Why you got your famous pouty face on?

- [ Thud ]
- I don't understand what you're doing.

Yeah, and how many times
have you not understood my methods...

only to have everything be made clear?

Yeah, like when the cops were after R.J.?

Goddamn. You done gone
for the nuclear option early.

[ Taystee ]
Why don't you ever wanna talk about R.J.?

[ Vee ] Because it's in the past, girl.
I live in the now.

So should you.

All damn day, I've been scrubbing toilets,
defending you.

- And I don't even believe in you anymore.
- Taystee.

No! You don't have a plan.

You just wanna prove
that you can order me around.

- But, nah, not anymore.
- Open the box.

- What?
- Open the box.

Man, I told you. I'm done cleaning.

What are you doin'?

What? Tobacco?

But where's the cleanser?

It's like getting into a bath.

But the water is like
warm chocolate pudding.

And The Smiths are playing
“There's a Light That Never Goes Out.”

Oh. There's warm lighting all over...

and there are, like,
five dudes massaging you.

And you have a pizza.

She's right.
And you also have a pizza.

[ Woman On Stereo ]
♪ No, I'm not afraid ♪

Hey, I got some hooch
from that Greek chick with the beard.

♪ Just because I run away ♪

- That's pretty good.
- Mm-hmm.

Fischer's out today.

Apparently having her woman time.

Oh. Um, where's Joe?

He's out too. Yeah.

Let 'em have their stupid little party...

and then don't put enough muscle on.

So typical.

Bronikowski, leave room for Jesus.

I will shut this thing down
in a heartbeat.

You know what's funny?

I'm in a women's prison, but, um...

I don't understand women at all.

I'll tell you something
about women, Bennett.

With women, you make 'em think
you're meeting them halfway...

when really what you're doing
is you're meeting them...

about 10 to 15 percent of the way.

Women are really bad at math.

Don't forget that.

I won't, sir.

- Did Jack call yet?
- Who?

Listen, Daya.

I know we can't be normal, but-


Take me somewhere. Now.

Wow. They're bigger.

Let's go.

[ Woman On PA, indistinct ]

What is this?


Close your eyes.

- What? Why?
- Close 'em.

Open your lips.


- T.-
- Do it.


What's this, a cigarette?

We in business, P.

Vee's got a whole sales plan.

We gettin' paid! I told you.

Next-level Mr. Miyagi shit, son.

Yah, yah, yah, ya-yah!

[ Door Slams ]

Well, that was unexpected.


I was in a mood before.

You're the sweetest man.


Look at the dog.

This is so great.

So was this.

Mmm. Here.

Sneaky, sneaky man.

See? We can be a normal couple.

Except you misspelled “Valentine's.”

No, I didn't.

Mendez did.

♪♪ [ Stereo: Doo-wop ]


I was wondering if I could ask you
a few questions...

for a newsletter we're starting.

A newsletter.

Okay. Good luck.

So, since it's Valentine's Day...

what is love to you?

How would you define love?

- That's a retarded fucking question.
- [Chuckles]

Okay. Um-

How about this?

When was the last time...

you saw any major plumbing work
being done around here?


'04, '05 maybe.

'04 or '05.

This fatso named Donna Cusio
broke three toilets in one week.

It was a mess, man.

I bet.

[ Piper ]
Big, big woman.

[ Woman On PA ]
Inmate 3429 to the infirmary.

[ Line Ringing ]

[ Speaking Russian ]

[ Answering Machine Beeps ]

[ Speaking Russian ]

I just wanted to call and wish you
a happy Valentine's Day.

I learned that for you.

I'm a good man, Katya.

You'll see that.

I'm gonna make you really proud...

to be married to this big galoot.

- I swear to-
- [ Answering Machine Beeps ]

[ Dial Tone ]

[ Stereo: Country Western ]
♪ You took my time without a dime ♪

♪ You left me
standing here- ♪

The fuck you mean there's no Ferris?

No, okay, hear me out.

Ferris is just a projection
of Cameron's inability...

to stand up to his domineering father.

But here's the mind fuck.

Cameron never actually leaves his room.

Remember, he's sick.

He invents this idealized self, Ferris...

plus his, like, 30-year-old girlfriend...

and then imagines this epic adventure...

with car chases, parades...

ball games, blah, blah, blah.

So this day off
is actually just a day off...

from his rigid coherence
to mind/body alignment-

Would you please shut the fuck up?

Sorry. It's just a theory I read.

Next time, just sit on her face.
It shuts her right up.

I'll keep that in mind.

♪ You took my time
without a dime ♪

♪ You left me standing here ♪

♪ You said you loved me ♪

♪ But let's get
one thing clear- ♪♪

Why are you ignoring me?

Why are you ignoring me?
Spit it out! Come on!

Look, you've been
lording over this group...

like some Hillary Clinton dictator.

- What?
- And we wanna be a democracy.

Are you calling me Hillary Clinton?

If the pantsuit fits.

Look, we're done with you. Right?

Y'all are done with me?

That's really funny.
That's really funny, Leanne.

'Cause if I'm Hillary Clinton...

then y'all must be some “sister-wife,
tweaker, Slurpee-drinkin'...


Daddy-on- Cops, trailer trash” nothin'.

And you know what? It's okay, 'cause you
ain't even challenged me anyway.

Actually, you know what?
None of you did. Not one.

You keep playing tennis
with someone worse than you...

and you ain't never gonna get better,
so thank you.

- You play tennis?
- It's a metaphor, you potato with eyes.

You know what?

Pardon my French, but you can eat my shit.

Whore! Whore! Whore!

[ Chuckles ]
Man, that was awkward.

- Angie?
- Yeah.

Go get me some punch.

All right.

♪♪ [ Stereo: R & B ]

[ Woman ]
♪ You say you love me, baby ♪

♪ But you show me
in a million ways ♪

♪ You're never here
when I need you ♪

♪ But you say
you love me anyway ♪

♪ I don't wanna be
your part-time lover- ♪

Great party.

Listen. We are so happy
that you and Daya...

are having such fun, special,
secret times together.

Oh, uh-

And we really admire you
providing for her so well...

you know, despite the circumstances.

We just wanted to let you know...

that we support you 500%
with our continued silence.

Considering as such, in your next round
of leg-based contraband...

we had a couple requests that could make
our aforementioned silence...

a little bit more comfortable.

I mean, I personally request
an iPod shuffle, you know...

loaded with Alt and Post-punk,
Depeche Mode, Erasure.

And I need Yoo-hoo
and ACT fluoride rinse for my teeth.

A cell phone with a camera. Thank you.

Happy Valentine's Day.

- Thanks.
- Okay.

That's a fucking low blow even for a filthy
sewer rat like you, Nichols. Really?

You told people I have crabs.

[ Snickers ]
You just found out about that?

- It is cheating.
- Come on.

A-Rod doesn't cry
when he gets plunked in Beantown.

He sucks it up and tries to steal second.

I've been trying
to both suck and steal second...

but I can't because everybody
thinks I have cooties.

Speaking of a set, how many you got?

Thirty-six, after I gave Pirkle the double
shocker in the showers just now.

Really? You Pirkled?

Oh, I Pirkled. And then I Pirkled again.


It was gnarly. It's macro-clit.

It was like blowing a toddler.

- Oh, my God.
- It was so uncomfortable.

That's fucking hilarious.

Oh, God. So, 36?

We're tied.

- Yep.
- Yeah.

- Have you considered maybe we just stop?
- Do you wanna maybe just stop?

- I don't have to.
- If you want to.

I'm okay with it. 'Cause we both fucked-

- Lots.
- [ Chuckles ]

Remind me why we did this
to ourselves in the first place.

Because I am insanely competitive.

Yeah, and I need to feed
my addictive tendencies at all times.

Cookie-eating contest.

Son, have you ever actually seen me?

You are going down!

♪♪ [ Rock]

[ Man ]
Thanks, guys. That was for Cora.

We're gonna miss your laugh, Corn-Dog.

And we're gonna take five.


You made it. We're just going on break.

Wow. You look so different.

Well, you know,
I like to keep things profesh at work.

I saved you a stool with a view.

Oh. Actually, we're gonna need a table.

I didn't know you were coming.

You heard me say it sounded fun.

I hope you don't mind.
I told some of the guys about your show.

I almost didn't make it. Get this.

The sellers are now refusing
to drop the replacement contingency.

Would you shut up about real estate?

I asked you to move in with me
and you said no...

so you have no talking rights here.

This is nice. Like a double date.

- We're not together.
- We're not together.

Actually, we're gonna need another chair.


[ Laughing ]

You look like the gay Edge.


It's like you become more you...

which... normally is like-
[ Mutters ]

[ Imitates Explosion ]

But... now it's okay...

because the person, like...


they chose to take all that on.

All that weird stuff.

Whatever's wrong or bad
or hiding in you...

suddenly, it's all right.

You don't feel like such a freak anymore.


Would the moon do this?

- [ Door Closes ]
- [ Man ] I won!


Larry. Good to see you, mate.

Ooh! Sorry about the stink.
I killed a caribou.

Less gamy marinated in pineapple juice.

Also makes your spunk taste good.

So you're in luck, babe. Mwah.

What's that?

Oh. It's, uh-

It's Piper's stuff.

Oh, brother. Come on.

We were just heading out for some ramen.
We have a babysitter.

I'll leave these with the doorman.

- Pete, really, I should-
- It's Valentine's Day, asshole.

Come join us.

[ Stereo: Soul ]

Ooh! Ha!


I... found this in your trash.

What is this?

This is the guy
you're always talking about?


I know something about lovin' people...

who aren't smart enough
to wanna be loved back.

But I learned a secret
that I can tell you.

They don't deserve it.

He's ruined this day for me forever.

Nobody knows that we're not together.

Yeah. But you do.

I do. I do know.

You know what is crazy?

I still wanna believe
in all of this stuff...

even after everything that's happened.

Isn't that sad?

Oh, no.

I think that's brave.

Thank you.

[ Sniffs ]

[ Maritza ]

Do you think
I should get fake tits?

Yeah. Probably.

- Asshole.
- [ Clank ]

You know what gets me?

We're wasting the best years
of our lives in here.

Like, our tits are
never gonna look better.

Our asses are never gonna look better.

You know, no one's touching my ass.

No one's kissing my lips.


I'll kiss your dumb lips.

Do it again.

No. No.

Come here.

[ Man On Stereo ] ♪ Girls like to party
Girls, girls like to party ♪

♪ Girls like to party
Girls, girls like to party ♪

♪ Girls like to party
Girls, girls like to party- ♪♪

[ Pats Butt ]

Yo, P., come and show these fools how
to cabbage patch for real.

Nah, I'm good.

- Man, don't act like everything fine.
- Yo!

I don't interrupt you when you going to
town on a bunch of spaghetti. Damn.

Yo, why don't you head on back
to old Erykah Badu over there?

I'm gonna forget you said that.

I don't give a fuck
what you forget or remember.

Aw, shit. Great. Thanks a lot, man.

[ Poussey ]

[ Franziska ]


- [ Kicks Table ]
- Hey!

- Well?
- We're not leaving.

- Talk to the Americans.
- Fuck you.

Fuck you, man. This is your doing. You.

Been drinking, little girl?

You don't get to decide
what happens to my life.

Not you.

I love her.

And that is why you're going home.

I'm done. I'm not going anywhere.

[ Sobs ]

Pardon us, Oberstleutnant.

Enjoy your ice cream.

You know, there are programs...

that can change your daughter's...
confused predilections.


But she's fine.

♪ Black holes
emit tones ♪

♪ Fifteen staffs
below “C” ♪

♪ Floating through space ♪

♪ Would you think
about me? ♪

♪ I'd still drive
by your house ♪

♪ I'd still move
to your town ♪

♪ 'Cause you slay me- ♪

Fun party.

A party with no men,
booze, real food or drugs.

Good thing we're too old for any trouble.


How's the gardening going?

Once the thaw comes,
we'll really get going.

Now, I'd ask you to join, but...

you clearly have your own hobbies.

We gotta have people.

You know this will not end well.

♪ On the roof is a bat ♪

♪ On the floor is a stone ♪

♪ Obey me ♪

♪ You fool ♪

♪ Enroll ♪

♪ In my school ♪

♪ And I'll drown ♪

♪ In your pool ♪

♪ There is a place far away ♪

♪ Where a cave sits alone ♪

♪ On the roof is a bat ♪

♪ On the floor is a stone ♪

♪ On the wall is a drawing ♪

♪ I once made of you ♪

♪ Where your hair is on fire ♪

♪ And your eyes
on fire too ♪

♪ 'Cause you slay me ♪

♪ You fool ♪

♪ Obey me ♪

♪ You fool ♪

♪ Enroll ♪

♪ In my school ♪

♪♪ [ Fades ]

[ Nicky ]
What about you, Chapman?

It's like coming home after a long trip.

That's what love is like.

It's like coming home.

Thanks for asking.

[ Woman ] ♪ So will you never be my lover
or my Valentine? ♪

♪ Never be a friend of mine,
never see my better side? ♪

♪ Baby, you'd be terrified ♪

♪ Of all the secrets you were
wishing you won't ever find ♪

♪ 'Cause deep inside me ♪

♪ And I don't wanna hide me ♪

♪ 'Cause I know about my love ♪

[ Man ] ♪ Pick it fast like a flight
far away from here ♪

[ Woman]
♪ Fly away ♪

♪ Although I know I feel at home
whenever you are near ♪

♪ Live my life like you
better cold cut to this ♪

♪ You just don't cut it
once you're near ♪

♪ I wish you'd hold me open just
to see your vision clear ♪

♪ 'Cause I know
about my love ♪

♪ About my love ♪

♪ 'Cause I know
about my love ♪

♪ 'Cause I know, know, know ♪

♪ About my love ♪♪

[ Laughter ]

Ripped By mstoll