Orange Is the New Black (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - Fucksgiving - full transcript

Piper is in high spirits when she makes peace with Alex and awaits a visit from Larry on Thanksgiving. However, Healy's true colors come out when he throws Piper in solitary confinement for dancing with Alex. The frightening experience of solitary forces Piper to take a serious look at her life and come to several conclusions about the future.

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(THEME SONG PLAYING)

Why aren't you at work?

Luschek never showed.

Probably passed out
in his own vomit somewhere.

So you chose to
come in here and help?

Yeah. Figured
you could use it. It's Thanksgiving.

Then get your ass off my counter

and help Gina pull the turkeys
out of the freezer.

Shit, we got real turkey this year!

We got trimmings
from the factory. 50 cents a pound.

Trimmings? Jesus.
The shit no one else wants.



That's a bag of turkey
assholes right there.

The whole meal
has to come in at $1.05 a prisoner.

Taxpayers don't give
a shit if it's a holiday.

We're the bad guys.

Pig-fucker.

Brown the onions for the gravy.

SOPHIA: That too hot, baby?

No, it's perfect.

I feel so good.

SISTER INGALLS:
"Frequent blinking may actually be a way

"for your brain to
rest while you're awake."

Wakeful rest, huh?

You okay, honey?

(VOICE BREAKING) It's just being
touched by another person.



- SOPHIA: I get it.
- Thanks.

The body gets lonely in here.

Yeah. It's not even sex,
you know? I just...

I miss contact.

Human beings aren't supposed
to live like this.

I've been in almost two years

and there's still nights
I reach out for my wife.

You know, I was
thinking about you guys.

And I was imagining
what I would do if Larry

told me that he
wanted to be a woman.

I'd like to think that
I would be open to it,

but it would
just be so weird.

I'm sorry,
is that totally rude?

No. It's fine.

He would make
such an ugly girl.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Is he coming to
visit you today?

First holiday in
prison can be rough.

Very emotional.

SOPHIA: But she's
gonna be fine,

'cause we about to make some Heidi Klum shit
happen right here. (CHUCKLES)

(SNIFFS)

Ugh, that smells nasty.

What's it made of?

You don't wanna know.

(GROANS)

How did you learn all this?

My aunt was a santera.
I used to help her out sometimes.

I dabble.

So what's gonna happen to me?

You're gonna cramp up,
some wicked diarrhea.

This shit ain't pretty.

You drink this, then you're gonna go
out and dig a hole in the yard.

You're gonna make
me shit in a hole?

No. You're gonna put
this bean in there.

Then you're gonna
find a cigarette,

you're gonna blow
some smoke in there,

you're gonna cover it up
with a mound of dirt.

And that's
gonna have to do it,

because I don't
have any angelica or gris-gris oil.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Take it.

This is gonna kill it?

Well, that's what
you want, right?

As long as it
don't feel anything.

Please. It don't
even have a brain yet.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Hurry up, drink it.

DAYANARA: Ow, that's hot!

GLORIA: I told you
it was, stupid. Go ahead, drink it all.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Where my Snickers?

You know, I pray for
all the dead babies and all their baby souls.

(SOBS) And God,
he's gonna let them into heaven,

even though
they weren't baptized.

- Are you getting all of this?
- Yeah.

And you can also tell Judy
that I pray for her as well.

Well, her name's Barbara.

- Barbara?
- Barbara.

Damn! I can't keep all
this fan mail straight.

(STUTTERS) I can't
keep up with it.

What? You have fans?

- She's a hero.
- (ALEX SCOFFS)

She's a defender
of the unborn.

Jeez, that sounds
like a bad X-Men movie.

What'd you do,
bomb an abortion clinic?

And you can sign off with,
"I will be out of here by 2015,

"before the rapture."

(CHUCKLING) Oh, man.

Is something
fucking funny to you?

Yeah. It's just that
people predict the rapture all the time.

I mean, wasn't that supposed
to happen in 2011?

No. (STUTTERS)
It comes in two stages. If you study your shit.

The first one was
a spiritual rapture.

And the second one coming
is a physical one.

Ah, I see.

- Okay?
- Got it.

And you're not invited,

because they don't
allow gay people on the rapture bus!

There's a bus?

Are all the seats
already taken by Appalachian meth-heads?

Oh, man, you're gonna...
You're just gonna get it, Vause, aren't you?

Do we have to go
back to the dryer?

You already locked me
in that fucking dryer.

Yeah, maybe I'll
fucking turn it on this time.

Make you spin
around like a gerbil.

Wanna know why?

'Cause I've had it with
rich bitches like you.

JESSICA: Those are bobos!

Real Adidas have
three stripes, not four.

Your shoes are bobos.

So?

So your mom shops at Payless.
And works at Friendly's.

(GIRLS LAUGH)

My mom has,
like, four jobs.

That's not something
to brag about.

You dress like a bum.

She smells like one, too.

(GIRLS GIGGLE)

(CAR HORN HONKS)

JESSICA: Do you guys
live in that janky car? (CHUCKLES)

- Bye-bye, pigsty!
- Bye-bye, pigsty!

(GIRLS GIGGLE)

DIANE: Are those your friends?

No.

How was school?

They changed the schedule
around, so I don't gotta work nights no more.

Fucking Brenda
keeps trying to get me to cover her shifts.

What are you doing?
It's freezing out.

DIANE: What the fuck was that?

I'm not wearing those anymore.
They're bobos.

Go get 'em back.

Jessica Wedge
says they're lame.

So fuck Jessica Wedge.

They all make fun of me.
They call me pigsty.

Did you tell them
who your dad is?

I've never even met him.

Well, you tell them.

You tell them, "My dad is Lee
Burley, the drummer for Death Maiden."

You see what those
smug little bitches say then.

I mean, who are they, huh?

What? 'Cause their parents
work at the college,

they think they're
all fucking fancy?

You are the daughter
of a rock god.

If he's so rich and famous,
why are we so broke?

You know how many girls
used to scream at his concerts?

You know, rip their clothes
off? Throw themselves at him?

But your dad chose me.
And together we made you.

Now go get your
fucking sneakers.

Don't you listen to those
smarty-pants assholes.

They're gonna have
boring-ass lives.

They're gonna wish
that they were you. You are cool.

PORNSTACHE:
Listen up, turd-bags!

We're gonna let you have your
little going-away party,

but do not make our lives
more difficult afterwards by hanging yourself,

with a sheet,
or a tampon string,

or whatever the fuck
you like to get all arts and craftsy with.

No Thanksgiving suicides.

Chapman, what are we not to do
on this day of thanks?

Commit suicide?

Exactly.

We are the Pilgrims,
you bitches are the Indians.

This is the holiday
where we cooperate.

BIG BOO: Oh, yes.

We bring you maize,
and you give us small pox blankets.

Exactly. Everybody wins.

You look like
JonBenet Ramsey.

(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY)
Well, that's what I was going for.

Can you hold this for me?

Yeah.

Did you make this?

Mmm-hmm.

It's my second attempt.
I spelled it wrong the first time.

(ALEX CHUCKLES)

And they say you
went to college.

(CHUCKLES)

God, I hate seeing people go.
It reminds me how much time I have left.

PIPER: Yeah.

But think of
the story that you'll have.

That is my line.

I know it is.
You always trot it out in times of suckiness.

Yeah.

Like that stomach
virus I had in Java.

Oh, it was
a great fucking story.

The whole village came out
to watch you poop.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Hmm.

So maybe this is
kind of like that.

Yo, yo, she coming,
y'all! Taystee!

ALL: (CHANTING)
Taystee, Taystee, Taystee!

I'm getting out, bitches!

(ALL CHEERING)

Yeah. Fight the power!
Fuck the man!

Hey!

Watch it.

Hey, yo, come here.

Girl, you my shawty.

Aw! Cut it out.

You scrubby
little hood rats gonna make a bitch cry.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)

I'll miss you, bitch.

Yeah, girl.

(INMATES CHEERING)

My God, do you remember this?

Yes.

I don't even know how
the arms go. I think...

- (INMATES LAUGHING)
- POUSSEY: What the fuck?

Shit, these white
girls trying to throw down.

(INMATES CHEERING
AND LAUGHING)

JANAE: Yeah.
BLACK CINDY: Yeah, girl!

BIG BOO: Shake that ass.

That's lesbian activity.

INMATE: Yeah!

It sure is.

TAYSTEE: White girls
gone wild.

INMATE: Oh, my gosh.

They're sexing,
Mr. Healy. I seen it.

This morning,
in the bathroom,

one girl's face was all up
in the other one's hoo-ha.

It was so nasty.

It's an abomination.

Okay, enough.

They were moaning
and everything.

Speaking in tongues,
like it's some kind of revival.

Who? Who are you
talking about?

Vause and Chapman.

- Chapman?
- Mmm-hmm.

Chapman.

She a lesbian.
They lesbianing together.

They're in there right now
in front of everyone,

dancing all up on each other.

Show me.

(INMATES CHEERING)

Chapman!

Get over here.

- (MUSIC STOPS)
- INMATE: Party's over.

- We were just...
- Shut your mouth, Chapman.

You think it's appropriate
to violate your fellow inmate?

- Violate? We were just dancing...
- I said shut your mouth!

You asked me a question.

That looked like
attempted rape to me.

- Take her to SHU.
- PORNSTACHE: Uh...

What? You can't do that.

Yeah, she's
kind of right.

Shut up, Mendez!

You know,
I'm tired of your shit.

I'm your superior
fucking officer!

Now, you put her in the goddamn box, or I
will fucking write you up, too!

PIPER: No, no, no, no.

- She didn't even do anything.
- HEALY: Step back!

Or I will cite you for
assaulting an officer.

PIPER: I have
visitation today.

Larry's coming to see me.

- You can't do this.
- PORNSTACHE: It's all right.

- Let's do what the man says...
- Please don't do this to me.

...before he has
an aneurysm. Come on.

PIPER: Please don't do this.
PORNSTACHE: Come on!

ABBY: Give me a shotgun!

Give me a motherfucking
shotgun, motherfucker!

This is you.

How long am I
gonna be in here?

Till we let you out.

So tomorrow's the day.

My cousin was supposed to
send me my dress-out pack, but it never came.

Now I gotta wear
the same shit I came in here with.

Man, it's gonna be too tight.

(CHUCKLES) Man,
you can walk out of here in a garbage bag,

you'll still be dancing
all the way to the bus.

I'm scared.

Nothing out there
gonna be scarier than this shit.

Shit, I been in
institutions my whole life.

I was a ward of
the state till I was 16. Then juvie.

I got no skills.

MISS CLAUDETTE:
Well, now you're just lying.

You've worked in
that law library for two years.

You know more than
my public defender.

Yeah, but out there,
you need real school for that stuff.

(VOICE BREAKING)
No one's gonna take me serious.

MISS CLAUDETTE:
You're a smart girl.

You like to play
the clown,

but you've got a lot
to offer this world.

This is not a life, Taystee.

Yo, listen to
Voodoo Mambo, yo.

Hey, yo, you think
you just having...

What they call it?

That thing that happens to animals in
captivity where it changes they brains?

I seen it at
the Bronx Zoo once.

This giraffe
ate its own vomit,

banged its head up
against the bars.

'Cause it ain't fit to live in the wild no
more. Don't know how to eat leaves.

That's what I'm saying.
I'm the giraffe.

Fuck no, you ain't.
Giraffes skinny. Look at that ass.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Yo, don't let 'em
get to you, T.

This ain't where it's at.

Jed and Lane are
flying in from Chicago tonight with the kids.

Will Grammie be there?

Grammie's gonna
stay in North Carolina.

She's got a boyfriend.

No shit!

Suzanne.

Sorry, language.

I know I'm a mess. I've been cooking
at the soup kitchen at church.

Sweet potato casserole?

- Yeah, I'm a one-trick pony. (CHUCKLES)
- Hmm.

See, you're back at church.

I told you,
people will get over it.

- Well, there's a new pastor.
- Hmm.

He's been really welcoming.
Very nice.

He introduced me
to a money manager,

who gave me some free advice
on how to talk to the bank.

And he's sweet with Michael.

Um...

Eva stopped by the salon.
She's pregnant.

You know, she's been
trying for a long time.

You like him? This pastor?

He's a good man.

That's not what I'm asking.

I'm not gonna
talk about this. It's Thanksgiving.

Well, I wanna talk about it.

What do you want me to say?

That I met someone
and I'm interested?

That I'm lonely
and I miss men?

When you went away,
you told me...

I know what I said.

Baby, I don't want
some strange man around my son, my wife.

Well, we don't always get
what we want now, do we?

- What about your hair?
- Mommy!

I happen to like
my hair like this.

(SIGHS)

Hi. (CLEARS THROAT)

- Here to see Chapman?
- Yep.

You two are
such a cute couple.

She's the cute one.
I'm like her furry sidekick. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, um...

Actually,
you can't see her today.

Why not?

She's had some
privileges revoked.

- She's in the Security Housing Unit.
- The what?

Solitary? (STUTTERS)
She's in solitary? What did she do?

I'm sorry, I can't
tell you that. I don't...

(STUTTERS)
This is ridiculous!

I need to speak
with your manager,

or your superior,
whoever the fuck is in charge here, please!

Please don't swear at me.
I can give you a number to call...

Is she okay?

Can't I just see
her for a minute?

I mean, it's a holiday,
for God's sake.

Okay, can you at least give my
phone number to her counselor, Mr. Healy?

Okay? And have him call me?
Right away, he needs to call me right away.

- Uh, I'm not allowed to...
- Please.

Please.

- I guess, maybe.
- Thank you.

Thank you!

Do you have...

Can I...

- I'll pass it along.
- Okay.

And if you see Piper,
will you tell her that I love her?

Okay? And to call me.
Have her call me.

And also (HALTINGLY)
that I love her.

Okay.

Happy Thanksgiving, Mr. Bloom.

SHANNON: Motherfucker!
INMATE: Shut up!

SHANNON: (BANGING)
Motherfucker! I'll kill you, motherfucker.

SHANNON: I'll kill
all you motherfuckers!

INMATE: (CRYING)
I'm gonna kill myself if I can't get out of here.

(INMATE YELLING)

(INMATE BANGING AND SHOUTING)

(INMATE SCREAMING)

My brother, Donny,
shot a turkey last year,

but it weren't
really a turkey. It was a fucking bald eagle.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

But he still shoved a Coors Light up
the damn thing's ass and put it on the grill.

(CHUCKLES)

And proceeded to eat it.

And when the ranger walked up,
he had the bird hanging out of his mouth.

He took his ass right to jail.
And now he's in Federal, in Virginia.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Did it taste like chicken?

No, it tasted like an eagle.

(LEANNE CHUCKLES)

(PENNSATUCKY CAWS)

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Was your brother
smoking tina?

He snorts Oxy now.

Fuck you.

What the...
Get the... The fuck!

(YELPS)

(SPITS)

ALEX: Thanks
for last night, baby.

That shit was amazing.
Nobody's ever licked my pussy like that.

You are lying!
I would never touch this bitch!

Hey, knock it off!
You wanna join your friend down the hill?

PENNSATUCKY: You know,
you're going to hell!

And you're gonna burn there
for the entire eternity!

- I'm already there.
- BENNETT: Have a seat.

(OPERA MUSIC
PLAYING ON STEREO)

Taste it, Norma.

- (SLURPS)
- What did I tell you?

It's damn near perfect.

Ladies! Listen up!
It's time to leave.

Let's go! Everybody out,
except for you. You can stay.

Let's go, Silent Bob.
That means you, too. Come on.

It's okay, I'll take over.

PORNSTACHE: Attagirl.

(TURNS OFF STEREO)

Where's my shit, Red?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Really?

Are you gonna
make me look through every box in here?

How'd you do it?
You stopped the truck?

Maybe.

Or maybe I got it
from one of your girls.

My girls
wouldn't tell you shit.

Huh.

You want your pills?

You can go stick
your head in the toilet.

There might be a few
still floating around.

You listen to me,
you crazy cunt!

The next time my shipment
comes in, you're gonna put it to the side,

top shelf, in the walk-in.

Tricia's in detox.

I hear Caputo's
looking for her source.

What would he think
of your little operation?

You mean, your operation?

All the contraband
comes through your kitchen.

Looks like we're at
a Cold War stand-off, Ruskie.

And I got
a bigger weapon than you.

You wanna see it?

(UNZIPS)

(URINATING)

(SIGHS)

(ZIPS)

Just a little something extra
for the holidays.

Next time you
fuck with my stash, I'll end your life.

(PHONE RINGING)

MALE OPERATOR: Hello?

Hi! Yes, hi.

Hello, I am trying to reach the Executive
Assistant or the Assistant Warden, please.

Sir, it's after duty hours.

Okay. Yes.
Look my wife is in the solitary unit.

Okay? She's being
held there illegally.

Now, my father is a lawyer,
I know her rights.

It's a holiday, sir.

Exactly! That's exactly right!
I know it's a holiday.

That's what makes
this so outrageous.

You can call back on Monday...

Would you please
listen to me?

Sir, please. Listen to me.

I have left messages
for the Associate Warden,

for the Public
Information's Officer,

for the Department
of Corrections,

for the fucking
Governor's office.

Okay?

If I don't get a call back
from somebody soon,

you people are gonna have
a fucking lawsuit on your hands. Now...

FEMALE VOICE: Hello,
you have reached

the Federal Correctional
Institution in Litchfield.

God! Fuck!

Dude, that was
really dramatic.

(SIGHS)

You know how much
Piper loves Thanksgiving.

It is her favorite.

Yeah, I don't know why.

Had to wear a suit jacket.
Fucking toxic.

You've been to Thanksgiving
with my parents.

Yeah, no, I know,
it's horrible. She loves our Thanksgivings.

Oh, in your
parents' apartment?

They go to South Beach.
They have gravy boats.

A maid comes and
cleans up in the morning. Come on.

They won't mind me using these awesome
tchotchkes for my table-scape, will they?

We have to cancel.

We have to cancel.
You have to cancel the whole thing.

Cal, (STAMMERS) I can't
host people here, all right?

Not under these circumstances. All
right? It does not feel right.

No, yeah,
you're right, man. We should cancel.

We'll cancel.
We'll cover the mirrors, sit shivah.

It's what your
people do, right?

It's when someone dies, Cal.
She's not dead.

Exactly. Look,
I love my sister, dude.

But she got herself
sent to the hoosegow.

And now she's clearly pulled some other shit
to get herself into even more trouble.

You have done everything
that you can do.

And Piper would love
the fact that you're throwing Thanksgiving,

our friends are coming,
the maid is coming tomorrow.

And I've spent my entire life-savings on
this, this marvelous turkey.

She'd want us to celebrate.

I'm sure she's fine.

(BANGING)

(SHANNON SCREAMS)

Chapman?

Mr. Healy?

How are you?

I'm in a cement box
and people are screaming.

You needed a little time-out
to think about your behavior.

My what?

I was dancing.

Provocatively. Sexually.

Gay sexually.

This is illegal.
You can't keep me in here.

See, there's where
you're wrong.

Chapman, I tried
to be nice to you,

because I understand
where you come from.

You don't know me.

I thought we could be friends.

You're not yourself lately.
You're acting out.

So you're
teaching me a lesson?

You should be thanking me.

Alex Vause is sick.

I get you.

You're not like her.

The only sicko here is you.

And under different
circumstances, what?

I'd be your girlfriend?

Is that it?

Did I make you jealous?

You put me in this
hellhole for no reason.

Wake up, Healy!

Girls like me?

We don't fuck ignorant, pretentious old
men with weird lesbian obsessions!

We go for tall, hot girls,

and we fucking love it!

So that leaves
you on the outside,

living your sad,
sad little life.

You don't get me! Ever!

So go fuck yourself!

Happy Thanksgiving, Chapman.

SHANNON:
Fuck you, motherfucker!

Where's my mattress?

Where the fuck is my mattress?
What did you do to it?

(SNORTS)

Oh, fucking crackhead.

My bunkie stole my mattress.

Yeah. And?

It's gone. It's not there.

Then how do you
know it was stolen?

Because it's not
on my bed,

and she and her
hick friend have been fucking with me.

I need a new one.

Okay, we issue one
mattress per inmate. You can fill out a form.

It'll take a couple
weeks to replace it.

And what am I supposed
to do in the meantime? Sleep on the frame?

It's probably good for you.
A hard surface aligns the vertebrae.

Your body will thank you.
Excuse me.

(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Who are you?

I'm Alex.

I'm your daughter.

Holy shit.

How'd you find me?

Well, I saw the show.
And then the manager sent me back here.

Oh, you saw that shit?
That was embarrassing.

We can't even fill
a fucking basement anymore.

If one more jerk-off asks me
to play Dirty Girl...

I wish I had never
written that fucking song.

It is a great song.
That is still a great song.

Shut up, Lonnie.

We're supposed
to be in Philly,

but Jimmy over here punched
the booking agent in the neck.

I can't believe
you're my kid, man! You're my kid!

I'm so happy to see you.

Yeah. Me, too.

'Cause I would've
never recognized you in a million years.

And you got
a serious rack on you, too.

I mean, I could have
accidentally fucked her, right?

But that would have
been bad.

No. Seriously,
that's twisted.

I didn't say that.

Um, is there a bathroom?

Is there a bathroom?

(CHUCKLING)
It's down there.

Right. Thank you.

LONNIE: Her rack?

That would've been fucked up.

Wow.

LONNIE: (LAUGHING)
Her fucking rack.

(SIGHS)

(SNIFFLING)

Jesus, you scared me.

You okay?

I'm fine.
I'm just gonna go home.

He's not
what you thought.

It's fucking depressing.
(SCOFFS)

Been imagining this moment
your whole life?

I had this white
fringe pleather jacket

I always thought I'd
wear if I ever met him.

Nice, pleather.
(CHUCKLES) What happened?

You're right.

Maybe that would've
made the difference.

Most people are
better in the abstract.

It's Alex, right?

Yeah.

Fahri.

You want a bump?

(CHUCKLES) No, thanks.

Smart girl.

Fahri, what are you
doing hanging out with these losers?

Uh...

They're my clients.

What do you do?

I work for an international
drug cartel.

(LAUGHS)

Right.

(GROANS)

Will you get Gloria?
I'm dying.

You're not dying.

Here.

Serves you right for drinking some stupid
potion from some half-assed santera.

Who told you?

She told me.

So I told her to give you
some roots and berries.

Make you shit your brains out
and learn your lesson.

So the tea was bullshit?
It's not gonna work?

You think I'm gonna let you
ice my grandbaby?

You want me to
end up like you?

I'm already in prison.

All I need is five different baby
daddies and an ass tattoo of a dog.

It's a wolf.

Daya, I made mistakes, okay?

I didn't have nobody
teaching me what to do.

Oh, get away from me.

Maybe I'm not
the mother of the year...

Oh, you think?

But at least I put something
into this world that could still be good.

I made something.

I fucked up my own life,
but Eva, Lucy and Christina,

Emiliano, even you
could still be something.

Babies give you hope.

Fuck.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Oh, my God.

There's mold.

There's mold on the bologna.

Oh, my God.

VOICE: I found a maggot.

Hello?

Is someone there?

VOICE: Are you real?

Yes. Yes, I'm real.
Are you real?

VOICE: I don't know.

I'm gonna take a bus
all the way to the Bronx.

Right to Angelo's Pizza

and I'm gonna
get a giant slice with the works.

But just one, because after,

we're gonna have a big old
Thanksgiving at my cousin, Neicey, house,

and we probably gonna go out
dancing at the Monte Carlo Room,

and I'ma order
a Sex on the Beach

with 10 maraschino
cherries in it.

And some man
gonna buy it for me.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Well, that sounds like a plan.

You know,
ain't no one on the outside

gonna do my 'do
for a can of Pepsi.

Which you still
owe me, by the way.

(CHUCKLES)

Jefferson, they're releasing
you now. Van's leaving.

Right now?
I gotta say my goodbyes.

It's a holiday.
COs wanna go home and see their families.

If you don't go now,
you're not getting out till Monday. Let's go.

Yo! Where's Poussey at?

Jefferson! Now.

What the fuck? What the fuck?
They already took her?

I didn't even say goodbye.

Taystee! Yo!
(BANGING) Tays!

She can't hear you.

(BANGING)

(CHUCKLES)

(INMATES CHUCKLING)

- POLLY: Hello?
- Hello!

- PETE: Hello! Whoo-hoo!
- Hi!

Come in, new family. (KISSES)
Hello, happy Thanksgiving.

- Ooh, your parents have a nice place.
- Yeah.

- Cal!
- Hi.

- Hi. Do you know Pete?
- Mmm-mmm. No.

And this is Finn.

Wow.

He looks like
Steve Buscemi.

Congratulations, man.

PETE: Gotta wash
your hands first.

LARRY: Isn't that
just to touch the baby?

And to touch me, too.
Polly's being a total nutter.

If it were up to Pete,
he'd let him suck on the bottom of his shoe.

I hope you guys don't mind,
but we brought a stray.

- Larry, this is our friend, Maury.
- Hi.

Yeah, Maury Kind.

I'm sorry, you're not a stray.
You're Maury Kind from NPR!

- Guilty.
- Oh, my God, I love you.

I love your show.
I mean, I love... (STUTTERS) I love you.

- (CHUCKLES) Thank you.
- POLLY: Wow.

- Back off, Larry.
- LARRY: Sorry, sorry.

Where should
we put our stuff?

Put it in the kitchen,
follow me.

You come meet my girlfriend!

Don't get in her way, Cal!
She's got an angry, red vagina

and she's been
drinking rum punch since 10:00 a.m.

Thank God we pumped.

I cannot believe you
brought Maury Kind.

Yeah, I'm mixing
sound on Urban Tales.

He's going through a divorce,
so I invited him.

I didn't know
you'd geek out so hard.

You know,
I'd love to talk to him.

Well, it'd be weird
if you didn't.

Besides, he read
your "Modern Love" column and loved it.

- Stop it. Seriously?
- Uh-huh.

Holy shit.

PETE: Hey!

Your language.

Huh? Sorry.

Shh.

PIPER: What an asshole.

I cannot believe
people like him are even allowed to work here.

They take these insecure,
and frustrated men

and they put them
in charge of a bunch of powerless women

and they become
these predatory creeps.

I mean, all of that condescending "I
know what's best for you" bullshit.

VOICE: You can rage,
but they always win.

They're the ones with the keys.

How long have
you been down here?

I've lost track.
I don't know.

Nine months?

A year?

A year?

That's insane.

VOICE: They keep
the lights on, so you lose all sense of time.

It's not living.

I mean, yeah, you're breathing,

but you ain't
a person no more.

It's bad. You start to
see shit that ain't there.

You start to hear voices.

Oh, my God.

They keep you here
till they break you.

(GULPS)

I feel like
I'm gonna throw up.

Why did I do that?

Why did I say those things?

He's never going to
let me out of here.

I am so fucking stupid.

I am so fucking stupid!

What's wrong with me?

(SOBBING)

VOICE: You still there?

I swear to God that if
they let me out of here...

I will shut up.

I will shut up and
I will put my head down and I will do my time

and I'll smile at Healy and I
(CRYING) won't go near her.

I won't even look at her.

I can do that.
I can do that. I can.

Please.

Please don't leave me here.

Please.

Hey, Vause, I know you're not
working, but can I get my bag?

Yeah, just give me a sec.

What happened
to your glasses?

(MIMICKING PENNSATUCKY)
Smashed in the name of Jesus.

Oh, shit. Pennsatucky?

Wow, you guys have
released the kraken.

She's decided it's
her Christian duty to annihilate me.

Because I'm a "privileged
rich girl." (SCOFFS)

Which is hilarious, because those types of
girls tortured me my whole fucking life.

If you and I had
met in fifth grade,

you'd have made
fun of my clothes.

- (LAUGHS)
- Who, me?

No, no, no, no. I would never.

You look terrific.

(SIGHS) Fuck!

(NICKY CHUCKLES)

I know what
you were like.

Upper West Side,
doorman building, skiing in Jackson Hole.

Am I wrong?

- Who told you that shit?
- No one.

My business was built on
sniffing out girls like you

and turning 'em into
drug mules.

I knew it. You're a pimp.

Man, you would've
been perfect.

Little Nicky at 19? Mmm!
I would've turned you out in two seconds.

I'd make a terrible mule.
I would've done all your drugs.

(ALEX CHUCKLES)

Besides, okay, what makes
you think I would've fallen for your shit?

Well, you grew up rich,
so you're used to easy money.

You have enough stamps
in your passport to avoid suspicion.

- You hate your parents.
- Yeah, totally.

You're in your
experimental phase.

All you wanna do
is fuck a woman or black guy,

- have some adventure...
- Hmm. (CHUCKLES)

...and still be able
to afford a Birkin bag.

- Shit, I'm in!
- (CHUCKLES)

Fuck it. You know me.

Sign me up.

Oh, was that who Piper was?

No, no,
Piper was different.

Why? 'Cause you loved her?

Because she was different.

Get some glue, pimp.

(SIGHS) Fuck.

Crystal is in love
with her pastor.

Ah. (CLICKS TONGUE)

I'm not surprised.

A lot of women lust
after their pastors, it's very common.

And pastors can do that.
Priests have to learn to bounce their eyes.

Um, what's that?

You never stay focused on
a member of the opposite sex for too long.

That's how I watch
every Russell Crowe movie.

(CHUCKLES)

She wants my blessing.

Then you should
give it to her.

Why?

I don't understand
why she needs to have sex.

I mean, (CHUCKLES)
look at you.

I'm a nun, I took a vow.

She married a man
with a penis, I assume

because she wanted to
use it occasionally.

(SIGHS) How much
time do you have left?

(SIGHS) Three years,
eight months.

You got what you needed
at a pretty big cost to your family.

This is what she needs.

Doesn't Crystal
deserve some happiness?

Let her go.

I can't.

It's the right thing to do.

(GUESTS LAUGHING
AND CHATTERING)

POLLY: Did you want
some more sweet potatoes?

So, Neri, what do you do?

I'm a hyperbaric welder.

Yeah, I used to work on the
pipelines, but now I just normal weld.

- Isn't she a badass?
- (CHUCKLES)

We met when I was
fabricating some sculptures.

Hmm, I have so many
burn scars, Cal and I are naming them.

Oh, oh! Speaking of scars,
how was it? The whole birth thing?

Did you eat your placenta?

No. We passed on that.

CAL: Oh, it's really good
for you. Crazy nutrients.

People dehydrate it and make it into
pills, but that's the expensive way.

I always just
thought you could, like, scramble it up.

(CHUCKLES) Just, like, put it in a pan
with some salt and pepper. (POPS)

Bam! It sounds gross,
but possibly delicious.

Throw some sage in there, too.

- Do you still have it?
- I don't.

Pete, you're
dropping food on his head.

So, yeah, you know, we both
decided to stick it out, you know.

I mean, it hasn't been easy, but, you
know, relationships are not easy.

- Right?
- Right. Yeah.

Well, I thought
your column was an interesting perspective.

You know,
the long-suffering husband.

Fiance.

I mean, I didn't really
mean for it to come off that way.

No. No, no, no,
it was very entertaining.

- Thank you... Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Well, I'm a big fan of yours. I mean...
- Oh, well.

Yeah, I love your show and...

I was just listening
to the one on road trips.

Cal, the turkey
is amazing.

- It's perfectly cooked.
- Thanks, man. It's a heritage bird.

Actually, Maury, um...

(STUTTERS)

I was thinking that my story
would work really well aloud.

- Right.
- You know, 'cause I consider myself

a much better
verbal storyteller.

- Right.
- You know, I don't know if you ever...

Cal, what is a heritage...
I'm sorry, what was that?

Sorry. No, I didn't know if you ever were open
to maybe doing a prison episode.

You know, if you ever
had guests like me on.

Yeah. The thing is,
if we wanted to document prison,

we'd probably talk
to actual inmates.

And if we were gonna do a story about
someone whose loved one was in prison,

we'd find a more
representative example.

Cycle of poverty,
that sort of thing.

Right. Yeah, no, that... (STUTTERS) I
get... That makes sense. I get it.

But we are working on a show about
unique long-distance relationships.

You know, a guy who works
down on the ice every year,

a pair of
married missionaries.

Your story could
be good on that.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Wow. Yeah. I mean...

Wow, I would love that.

I mean, I would love
to do that.

CAL: Hey, toast!
NERI: Yes!

CAL: Toast.
PETE: Cheers.

- Happy Thanksgiving.
- Happy Thanksgiving.

Eye contact.

(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)

(INMATES CHATTERING)

BIG BOO: No gravy?

Why is there no gravy?

You complaining?

Uh... No, ma'am.
No, no, no.

Come on, Little Boo.
Let's not complain.

I don't know why you
threw it out. I tried it. It tasted great to me.

I'm thankful for my health,
for my strong body and mind.

And for you girls,
who remind me every day

that self-forgiveness
is possible.

Hmm.

I'm thankful that Taystee got
the fuck out of this dump.

Yeah, I'll second that.

I'm thankful for my
new bitch, Little Boo.

Sit, hooker.
Ah! Good girl.

(CHUCKLES)

There you go.

(INMATES CHUCKLE)

Oh, and, of course,
I'm thankful for all y'all other bitches.

(INMATES CHUCKLE)

Do you wanna
say grace, Sister?

I trust in the Lord

with all my heart
and lean not on my own understanding.

Amen.

Amen.

POUSSEY: Amen.

Man, it sucks to
get glasses replaced,

you have to get someone on the outside to
fill your prescription. (SCOFFS)

How blind are you?

Blindish.

Bright side, you can't see
the color of these potatoes.

(CHUCKLES)

It doesn't feel
right to be eating while she's in there.

Straight girls. (SCOFFS)
They'll fuck you up every time.

(INMATE SCREAMS)

(SPITS)

Hey!

Hey. (KNOCKS)

Did you get
this loaf thing? (KNOCKS)

Looks like three different
dinners mushed together into a mound.

Are you looking at it?

Hello?

Can you hear me?

Please tell me that
you're still there.

CAPUTO: You can't leave her in there.

I don't know what
the hell she's doing in Seg in the first place.

Christ, even Mendez
said it was uncalled for

and that guy lives
to throw people in the box.

- You're not my boss.
- Today I am.

Fig is on vacation.

And I am telling you I don't have the write-ups
or the paperwork to support it.

She got under your skin, Sam.
This is personal.

She thinks she's
running the place.

You don't have
to tell me that.

Her fiance is raising a stink
bigger than the shit I took this morning.

Christ, he's probably
got the Obamas on the phone by now.

These liberal,
wealthy offenders, they're connected.

And if they review this,
the paper trail is going to be sweaty.

So do us all a favor
and get her out of there.

It's not even 48 hours.

Get her out of there.

(INMATES PRAYING IN SPANISH)

GLORIA: Mmm-hmm.
ALEIDA: Mmm-hmm.

GLORIA: Mmm.
ALEIDA: Mmm-hmm.

I'm sorry you
feeling like shit, chica, but I had to do it.

It's okay.
I'm relieved, actually.

(WHISPERING) I wanna keep it.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

But I don't wanna
get him in trouble, though.

Don't worry, nena.
We'll figure something out.

You're gonna have a baby.
I'm gonna be a grandmother.

(SIGHS)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

FEMALE VOICE: An inmate from Litchfield
Federal Prison is attempting to contact you.

To accept the call,
please press one.

(BEEPS)

SOPHIA: Baby? It's me.

Uh, I'm just
getting in the car.

I'll just take a minute.

I was wrong.

You do whatever
you need to do.

You have my blessing.

Thank you.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving.

You Josie's girl?

My cousin, Neicey,
told me I could stay here.

Neicey don't live here
no more. And I know she ain't your cousin.

We had the same
foster family.

Look, I ain't getting my ass in trouble letting
some ex-con stay in my house.

But I have to stay here.
This is the address I gave my supervisor.

The system gonna
come check on me.

That ain't my problem.

I ain't got
nowhere else to stay at.

Shit.

You can sleep
in that corner.

On the floor.

Leave that
mattress where it is.

'Cause I ain't having no rapey motherfuckers
coming in off that fire-escape again.

And you're out
in the morning, understand?

Hmm, Burset.

Um... You gave me four.

Yeah, new doctor.

He said your chart was wrong.
So you're back to your old dosage.

Thank you.

- Hmm?
- Thank you.

(CHUCKLES)

Chapman! You're out.

Back to camp.

FISCHER: (KNOCKS AT DOOR)
Mr. Healy?

Piper Chapman's
fiance came to visit while she was in lock-up.

(SIGHS) And?

He left his number, sir.

I'm sorry, I know
that's against the rules,

but he wanted to know
why she was in SHU.

Okay. Thank you.
I'll take that.

(LINE RINGING)

LARRY: Hello?

Hello, Mr. Bloom?

This is Counselor Healy from
the Department of Corrections.

I have some information that might interest
you regarding your fiancee.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

Holy shit,
Chapman, you're out.

Oh, my God...

- Let's get out of here.
- Are you okay?

What are we doing here?

(BOTH MOANING)