Orange Is the New Black (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Moscow Mule - full transcript

Officer Mendez begins harassing Red when she refuses to help him continue smuggling drugs into the prison. Larry publishes his article about Piper in the New York Times, which turns her ...

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(THEME SONG PLAYING)

(COUGHING)

GUARD: Don't crowd, and do not, under any
circumstances, sneeze on me.

- (SNEEZING)
- I will write you up if you sneeze,

or if you, in any way,
get me moist with your fluids.

Please, step back,
there's plenty for everyone

till we run out.

Okay, I need to make sure
you swallowed that.

Op... Thank you.

Ah!

I got mad control
over my epiglottis.



- (COUGHING)
- (INMATES GRUMBLING)

(INMATES COUGHING)

(MAN SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY OVER PA)

(MAN SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY OVER PA)

Here.

Trust me.
Have you been out there?

I look like Michael Jackson.

No, I...

I think you've got
the wrong skin tone.

I look like Michael Jackson.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Whoo!

Well, if it isn't
Litchfield's biggest celebrity.

I don't know what that means.



Excuse me?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just
trying to stay healthy.

Boyfriend wrote quite
the article about you.

Larry?

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, is that the Times?

Yep.

- He's in the Times?
- (CHUCKLES)

What did he say?

He went on and on
about your enchanting little love story.

May I read it? I mean, I can
wait until you're done, obviously.

I had no idea
that he would actually make it in there.

Looks like I've
already thrown mine away.

(TAPPING)

Too much coffee irritates
the stomach lining.

Trying to cut down.

Inmate! Out of the trash!

- But I just need to get...
- Out!

(INMATES COUGHING)

Hey, there, baby bump.

I can't give you
the cold medicine,

but I have got some
menthol cough drops.

Crap.
They're somewhere in here.

(SIGHS)

I don't have a cold.

Oh?

That's good.
Is your back hurting again?

(BREATH TREMBLING)

I'm in labor.

- (GROANS)
- Oh, fuck.

Morning, Red.

If you're here
to ransack my kitchen again, go ahead.

The shelves could
use a little dusting.

Nah.

I'm here to do you a favor.

No, thanks.

One of your little
adopted daughters

woke up in full-tilt
withdrawal this morning.

Withdrawal from what?

My girls are clean.

PORNSTACHE: Hmm.

Well, I guess this
one slipped in the mud.

Now that her supply's
been compromised,

little Tricia's got
a mean old case of the detox blues.

Then it's your fault.
Your mess.

You deal with it.

Believe me,

you do not want to see
how I would deal with it.

Now, the prison doesn't need a case
of the junkie jitters on record,

and I'm pretty sure
that you don't want

people thinking
you've been a bad mommy.

So you're gonna
walk her through it.

Quietly.

This whole time,
you've been giving it to her.

Really, Red?

At a time like this,
does that matter?

I'll take care of it.

(MAN SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

It's not about the prices,
it's about the books.

(DMITRI SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

We have to move
product regularly.

Then, and only then,
we can explain other income.

Maybe you're not
thinking big enough.

Restaurants come and go, yes?

Look at this place.

Every week, we almost close.

But not schools.
Not hospitals.

Galina...

All I'm saying is,

you get something big,
something steady,

like the Italians
have with the garbage,

then you're not
out chasing bids.

My father,
he sold candy out of a box.

Every day,
up and down the street.

He walked so much
he wore holes in his shoes.

Until one day,
he passed by an army base,

right after
the soldiers' lunchtime.

And he realized
that all he had to do

was stand there
and open his box.

He sold out in minutes.

So he did it again,
day after day.

There were always soldiers,

there was always lunch,

and they always
wanted candy bars.

No more holes in his shoes.

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

(MOCK CHATTERING)

(LAUGHING)

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Got enough, bro?

I wrote something in here.
Uh, a column.

Look. Look, look.

See that? That's me.

- I'm a writer.
- No shit.

Yeah.

Arturo!

Yeah?

Dude right here's
in the paper.

What'd he do?

Check it.
Says he wrote a column!

For real?
Yo, that's sick, son!

It is?

Someday you're gonna write
the whole paper, bro.

(CHUCKLING) Okay.

Yo, you on Facebook?

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Shit. (SIGHS)

Hello?

MAN: An inmate from
Litchfield Federal Prison

is attempting to contact you.

To accept this call, please press one.

- Hey.
- PIPER: Larry?

I've got great news.

Hi! I know.

You know?

Yeah, your article came out to day.

Isn't it great?

I mean, I wasn't expecting it,
but I got the call last night.

So, apparently they
pulled Randy's story

about, uh, the surge
in home breweries in Brooklyn

because The New Yorker
is running one

on the surge in home
wineries in Brooklyn.

So they ran mine instead.

That's great, honey.

I know.
Every one's been so positive.

My high school English teacher
called my parents.

Your brother, he sent me a picture
text of a thumbs up. (CHUCKLES)

Can you read it to me?

Want me to read it?
I am going to read it.

"One Sentence, Two Prisoners."

That sounds like
"Two Girls, One Cup."

No, it doesn't.
This is one, two, not two, one.

And no one is
shitting in any cup, okay?

I left that part out.
Your secret is safe.

Thanks.

(LAPTOP CHIMING)

Oh, hold on. Another one.

Let's see what it says.
It's from Pete.

(WOMAN MOANING)

Porn. He just... He sent porn.
(CLEARS THROAT)

(MARIA GROANING)

What is that? Is that porn?

Oh...

Oh, Maria might be in labor.

What?

Could you google
symptoms of labor?

They're running bets.

If I guess closest
to the birth time, I could win a Twix.

I want to make
an educated guess.

Isn't there a doctor
in there?

There's a nurse.

He says that she's gotta
wait till her contractions

are less than a minute apart
to go to the hospital.

That's cutting
it pretty close. All right, here we go.

Okay, if her cervix has
softened, she's definitely in labor.

Larry,
how am I supposed to tell if her cervix is soft?

Oh, wait. Crowning.
Let's look at crowning.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Yeah.

I'll definitely
send that to Pete.

Speaking of whom,
he is taking me out for a drink tonight.

Uh, Polly, too.
And some other people. To, uh, celebrate.

Sounds like fun.

Who else is going?

I don't know.
Polly made a last-minute Evite so...

So you're having a party.
An Evite equals party.

Why didn't you just tell me
you were going to a party tonight?

With all of our friends.

You're not here to tell me
I can't wear brown shoes with black pants.

- It's pretty basic.
- (CHUCKLES)

I know. Still.

I am really happy for you.

This is a really big thing.

And it deserves
to be celebrated.

Yeah, okay.

You're gonna
have a great time.

And you deserve that.

And on my end,

I have a really
strong shot at a Twix bar.

It's a great day.

(SIGHS) Of course.

I have to go to work soon.
Can you read me the article?

The rest of the world
got to read your story before I did.

Our story.

Okay.

Okay. Here it goes.

"It always
starts the same way,

"with a latte
and a bacon scone.

"And then I hit the road..."

(MARIA COUGHING)

(MARITZA SPEAKING SPANISH)

I'ma kill that motherfucker!
The nurse?

My boyfriend.
And the nurse, too.

(WAILING)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

- Time?
- It's the same.

He said she cannot come back
until they're closer. I'm sorry.

That maricon
wouldn't know labor

if that baby popped out
and slapped him in the fucking face.

Well, it's not him.
It's the rules.

Well,
he's the face of the rules.

- Just keep walking, mami.
- I'm gonna try.

Here. Had to haggle
with I as negritas, but I got it.

Got what?

To get Lucy coming out,
they made me eat a whole pineapple.

But that's pineapple soda.

You know, for my son,
they told me to play with my chichitas.

You know, it just
gets the hormones going.

You know,
you gotta just twiddle them. You wanna try it?

(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

- Come on, less talking. Just breathe.
- (MARIA GRUMBLING)

MARITZA: Okay. Come on.

And then there were two.

Where is everybody?

They're sick. Pussies.
I don't believe in getting sick.

Wow.

Mind over mucous, huh?

Yeah.

That, and I stockpile
from commissary.

I'm on a cough syrup cocktail

that would make Lil Wayne
vomit in his dreads.

(DOOR OPENING)

New reading material.

I'm assuming you're
both fluent in Hindi.

I think there are pictures.

There's a broken
dryer in the laundry room.

Martha or Maddie or some shit.

I can't keep track
of the nicknames. Just, uh, take care of it.

How?

Make it not broken.

(CHUCKLES)

(INMATES COUGHING)

(SNEEZING)

Man, I'm never
gonna get this shit.

The label fell off.

Guide to Bird-Watching.
Seven-hundreds?

Five-hundreds.
That's science.

But it's a hobby, though.

A hobby about science.

Okay.

(SIGHS) So, you gonna tell me
how it went, or what?

How what went?

Your bat mitzvah, bitch!
What do you think I'm talking about?

I don't know. It went.

A bunch of people I never met
looked at my case file.

One guy had a beard.

They asked you
a lot of questions?

Not as many as you.

All right, look.
I really appreciate

you trying to
teach me all this,

getting me assigned
and every...

Shh!

(SIGHS)

Look, what I mean is,
if you don't leave,

I'll just go right
back to clean crew.

This your job.
I know you like it here.

Don't nobody like it here.

Your hair looked good.

It did.

(CHUCKLING)

(BUZZING)

MAN OVER PA: Attention,
all personnel, be advised

count is not clear.
Please conduct a recount.

Hey, there.

Hey.

Hear you got
a broken appliance, ma'am.

Yeah?

A real rusty old thing
that needs fixing?

Oh, well, my husband isn't
home. He's got the checkbook.

Hopefully there's
some way I could pay you.

Well, I have been
feeling a little tense lately.

Maybe if I stick my
dick in your mouth, it might help me relax.

Oh, God. No, thanks.

What? Too hetero?

Okay. How about
"wrench in your twat"?

All right. Well, the broken one's over
there, and her name's Myra.

So you can stick
your wrench in her twat.

(SNICKERS)

(CANDIES CLATTERING)

I hate when she
sends The Quiet Storm.

Can't she just come over
and tap you on the shoulder?

She has an irrational
fear of the spin cycle. Won't step foot in here.

I'd better go.

Yeah, well...
Mommy needs you.

Can't be that serious.
When it's serious, she throws coconuts.

(SIGHS)

NICKY: Come on!

(DOOR CLOSING)

You don't look
half bad in those.

Thanks.

(CHUCKLES)

You sure you know
what you're doing?

NICKY: I have no idea.

Don't lie to me.

She made a mistake, okay?
She's 19 years old.

I covered for her when she got here.
Hmm? Just like I did for you.

And I warned her
if it ever...

It's not like it's her choice.

I mean,
she's an addict, all right? She had a slip.

We can help her.
Just give her a chance.

No more chances.
Two strikes, that's what she gets.

Russians don't play baseball.

Jesus, with this shit.

She needs to go down,

and whoever she drags down
with her deserves it.

You send her down the hill,
she's fucked, and you know it.

Okay, you're
taking this personally.

It's not personal,
it's chemical.

Drugs have a way of
making you do shit you don't wanna do.

So do I.

(CLANKING)

Okay.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(LAUGHS)

I look pathetic.
I'm aware.

I wasn't laughing at you.

Right.

Anyway, significantly less funny

than the time you
fixed our toaster

with a hot glue gun.

(CHUCKLING)

- You wanna see something?
- What?

Okay, so we don't just do
inmate laundry, right?

Right.

Some of the guards
drop off their clothes, too.

So, Wanda Bell?

You might remember her
as the bloodsucking dragon-cunt?

She works up front,
eats souls for fun?

Every once in a while,
we find a pair of men's boxers in there.

No big deal.
Even Bigfoot's gonna get laid sometimes.

- Except these boxers...
- Oh!

...have a name
stitched on them like he's a third grader.

ALEX: S. O'Neill.

(GASPING) No!
The guard S. O'Neill?

Drama! (CHUCKLES)

Where does that belly go?

I don't know.

- Ooh!
- (CHUCKLES)

Hey! Y'all done having fun?

We're just
getting started, bitch.

(MAN SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY OVER PA)

- I should finish fixing that.
- You want some help?

No, that's really okay.

I work these machines all day.

I saw Little Sarah get
a shot for helping Nicky hold a ladder.

So?

You're laundry, I'm electric.
We're from different worlds.

And I don't want any trouble.

Oh, fuck her.

I'm gonna help you,
no strings attached.

(MAN SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY OVER PA)

How goes it?

I've been better.

If I tell you it gets easier,
does that make me corny?

Makes you a liar.

Yeah. Brought you some O.J.
Carton, not Simpson.

(CHUCKLES)

Man, this clinic my
mom dragged me to,

they strapped me down
to a bed just like this.

(CHAIR CLANKING)

So the nurses hated me,
'cause I kept makin' Exorcist jokes.

"Your mother
sucks cocks in hell!" (CHUCKLES)

That shit never gets old, right?

I might actually be
lucky this happened now.

(SHIVERING) Guards
just think I got the flu like everyone else.

Well, in two days,
you're gonna be wishing you had the flu.

I'm lucky you're here with me.

Yeah.

And I'll get through it.
I'll get back on track.

They won't even
find out I was using.

Yes, they will.

Shit, no.
Girls got my back, right?

I ain't never snitched nobody,
so who's gonna tell 'em?

You are.

What?

Two strikes.
That's all you get.

Red sent me.
Says she doesn't play baseball.

I'm quitting, Nicky.
Tell her that. Don't make me go down there.

This isn't about you.

Red's fighting a bigger fight.
Shit's changing around here.

She is supposed
to take care of us.

You're gonna get up.

You're gonna walk down
to the CO's office...

Please.

You're gonna tell
him you were using

and throw yourself
on his mercy.

They'll put me in the SHU,
and I'll die in there.

You won't die,
you'll suffer.

And then you'll come back out.
Say what you need to say.

You're supposed
to be my family.

Not anymore.

(SOBBING) Nicky!
Nicky, no! No!

Please. Please!
Please, don't go!

Stop. Wait!

Damn.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Esta bien, okay?
Come on, mama.

- Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
- Almost there.

All right.
You're doing great. Okay.

Okay.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Oh, just my luck, right?
I go into labor

the day
the fucking plague hits.

They'll be here soon.
Just rest.

(WHIMPERING)

You're gonna
need your energy.

(COUGHING)

You, quiet.
She's laboring here.

Is the baby gonna
be staying with us?

You see any babies
around here?

Besides you?

I'll be back.
Breathe. Relax and breathe.

And if you feel
like you gotta go to the bathroom,

that's the baby comin'.

- Huh? (BREATHING HEAVILY)
- Hold it in

and pray it doesn't
turn out like that one.

Okay? I'll be right back.

(MARIA WHIMPERING)

Y'all are like a novela.
You know that, right?

Y'all are like some
cautionary tale shit.

You two should tour
high schools for abstinence,

'cause a minute with you two
is better than Plan B.

Whatever.

If my daughter ever
talked to me that way...

If I ever talk
to her that way...

I mean, shit.
What's the point?

This world is full enough
with bitches trying to kill you.

The hospital van just parked.
Let's go have a baby.

(GROANING)

Okay, okay.

NURSE: Good, good, good. Okay.

(MARIA BREATHING HEAVILY)

Oh, my God...

NURSE: All right,
let's get you to the van.

Everything's going to be okay.

Hey, uh...

Okay, so be careful.

Relax. I do this all the time.

Why?

Because it's fucked up.

And when you work
with geniuses like I do,

the motor gets
stuck all the time.

Did you find it?

I don't know.
I need a little more light back here.

Okay. How about that?

- Better.
- Okay.

So,
it looks like the safety lock

is connected
with a blue wire...

Okay.

...to something back
there that's got, like,

two screws
sticking right out of it,

and it's right next
to this T-shaped thing.

- Oh, damn it!
- (CLUNKING)

- Shit!
- Shit!

I have to get more batteries.

Fuck! My glasses fell off.

I'll be right back.

I think I can
reach it if I could

just angle my
fucking hand back there.

(LATCH CLICKING)

ALEX: What the fuck?

What the hell are you doing?

Who, me?

I'm just getting started,
bitch.

Oh...

Fuck me.

(SIZZLING)

You wanted to see me?

Patricia Miller.

Trailer park all-star
with the classy neck tat?

Oh, yeah.

She just got a 100 series shot
for a nasty case of the DTs.

Wow.

Hope they got a lot
of mops in the SHU.

(CHUCKLES)

Did she say anything?

She just cried and shook.

Thing is,
she's been here 10 months.

How come she
doesn't go cold turkey a while back?

Something's been
getting in here.

I always said,
when they first come through,

we should check their
assholes thoroughly.

If the wrong person realizes there's
product moving through this prison...

It's one junkie.
It's an isolated thing.

Oh, really?
I bet my balls we get 10 more

sweating it out by
the end of the month.

And if they turn up,
the warden's gonna want somebody's head.

And it ain't gonna be mine.

I'm sure
it'll all be fine.

Besides, whatever she was doing
clearly ran out, right?

So you're good.

Let's see how good
I am a week from now.

I hope, for all our sakes,
you're right.

And Mendez? Question.

It's off-topic.

I got a look in a bar
last night.

This guy...

The mustache.
It hasn't become like a gay thing, has it?

(SCOFFS)

No. Fuck, no. Gay!

The 'stache is not for fags,
it's for fuckin' men.

Yeah.

It's fuckin' all-beef,
fucking cunt-ramming awesome.

Okay.

Just checking.

(THUDDING)

(THUDDING CONTINUES)

Oh, my God. Alex?

Get me out of here.

What?
It's locked. Are you okay?

No!

Maybe I can, uh...

What the hell happened?

It was that
fucking meth-head!

- Seriously?
- Yes!

- I'm gonna go get help.
- No, no, no! No, no, no!

Just open the door.

If they find out that I was helping
you, I'm gonna get in trouble.

You said so yourself.

You offered.

Are you serious?

I told you that
this was a bad idea.

(THUDDING)
I did!

- Don't you do that!
- Do what?

That thing.
Like this is my fault.

You know what I mean.

Like you aren't
accountable for anything

that ever happens
in your life, ever.

Am I supposed to tell them
that I made you get into the dryer?

No, I want you to get me out.

Read that manual,
unjam the door, step the fuck up!

Wait, Piper,
where are you going?

I'm just gonna go...

No! Don't you go!

Don't you fucking leave me.

Okay.

"Okay," what?

I'm here.

So, this is all of 'em, huh?
All the approved vendors?

That's it.
Just those five.

Nobody else gets
through this gate?

No suspicious delivery guy,

no shady-lookin' mook
in a fuckin' tampon truck?

There's creepy linens dude,
and the dry goods lady,

the vegetable people.

(HORN HONKING)

Sounds like a horror movie, doesn't
it? The Vegetable People?

Like a giant
celery serial killer, carrying a machete,

(LAUGHING) or
broccoli lightin' shit up with a flame-thrower.

(MIMICKING FLAME-THROWER)

"Who's a smoothie,
now, bitches?"

(SNICKERS)

Asshole.

Shit's funny.

ALEX: It's almost count time.

I know. I know.

I'm pretty sure
I'm suffocating.

- (THUDDING)
- Ow!

- Loud.
- Sorry.

So, what,
Nicky never came back?

Your girlfriend? No.

My girlfriend?

Yeah.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Never mind.

No, what do you mean by that?

I said, nothing.
I said, never mind.

What, you expect me
to wait for you to come around?

- Come around?
- Yeah.

As in "get back
together" come around?

Are you kidding me?

- I'm engaged.
- Right.

You know what?
Do not confuse this.

Maybe, just maybe,
we will get friendly again. Maybe.

- We were never friends, Piper.
- We weren't...

No. Not for a second.

I loved you,
I loved having sex with you.

(WOMAN SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY OVER PA)

And more importantly,
I am not suggesting that I want you back,

you Park Slope narcissist.

I mean for you to come around
like an actual human being.

And not with some
hollow bullshit apology,

or that cute little sad face
that might work on your fucking boyfriend.

I've been waiting
for you to come around,

and treat me like
an actual human being

and realize what
a fucking horse's ass you've been.

I've been a horse's ass?

Fuck, yeah!

Fuck you! And this dryer!

This fucking shitty
piece of goddamn dryer!

Dryer!

LUSCHEK: So abusive.

Maybe if you tried
talking nice to it,

or, uh, if you took your top
off and rubbed up against it.

Might, uh, pop open then,
right, huh?

Shit.

What the hell's going on?

Fuck.

LORNA:
Where was it we're going?

Wherever I tell you to go.

Okay. It's just,
I'm not supposed to be this far from camp.

You're not supposed to wear
that pretty whore lipstick either,

but you do, don't ya?

Yeah, stop here.

Shut the car off.

(ENGINE STOPS)

(INHALING DEEPLY)

(EXHALES)

The old Moscow mule.

Red?

She's got a way of
bringing stuff in.

It's not really up to code.
Do you know what I mean?

(CHUCKLING) No.

I need to know how.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I drive,
I don't work kitchen.

I know. You're afraid of her.

(LAUGHING) Shit,
I don't blame you.

But you know what?

There are things out here much
worse than some scary Russian bitch.

I'm gonna ask you again.
Nicely.

And then the third time,
it's not gonna be very nice.

For you.

(CHUCKLES)

I told you.

I don't know what she does.

I drive,
and I do what I need to do.

And I can't help you
'cause I really don't know.

So you do whatever.

I can't tell you
what I don't know.

(LAUGHS)

Start the car, inmate. (SIGHS)

You're too far from camp.

(ENGINE STARTING)

(CHUCKLING) I mean,
what exactly were you two doing?

When I got there,

the blonde one was screaming
and the hot one was stuck inside.

- The hot one?
- The hot one?

HEALY: You can go, Luchek.

Okay.
And it's, uh, Luschek.

Like a "loose check."

How long have I
worked here, man? God!

Mr. Healy, it was...
I asked her.

(DOOR CLOSING)

No, I...
Look, I volunteered.

No, no, no.
I asked her.

She works in
the laundry room,

so I figured
she knew more about the machines than I did.

I know that I wasn't
supposed to, but I did.

- This is my fault.
- No. Mr. Healy...

Now, just shut up.

A couple of years ago, we found two
women naked from the waist down,

sitting on those dryers
for their own enjoyment.

(CHUCKLES)

You wouldn't happen to have been
doing anything like that, would you?

I'm more of
a dishwasher kind of gal, sir.

(STIFLING LAUGHTER)

- What?
- Nothing.

Glad you're making
new friends, Chapman.

I'm writing you
both a shot.

Now get the hell
out of my office.

Chapman.

You think if I wrote
stories about you, I might make the papers?

'Cause I'm gathering
a nice collection here.

WOMAN OVER PA: Due to repairs,
clean clothes can be picked up tomorrow.

(COUGHING)

Whoa. You moved her in?
The fuck is she doing?

What I told her to do.
And watch your tone.

It's my bunk, too.
I get no say in this?

No one gets a say.
She was assigned by her counselor.

And she'll be good for you.

She never talks.

You might learn something.

I've got friends
of my own, you know.

There's other people
in this prison,

not just the ones who drink
your goddamn Kool-Aid.

Are you finished?
You're starting to sound finished.

(SCOFFS)

What, huh?

(MEN SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

(LAUGHING)

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

Anyway, our guy looked
into the government contracts thing.

Schools, hospitals.

Yeah?

Looks like we'll be able
to work something out.

To this motherfucking
wanker right here.

Here we go.

To the first of many articles
in world-class publishing and the like.

After this comes the book
deal, and then the movie deal,

and then the inevitable
sexual harassment scandal.

(PETE LAUGHING)

(PETE CLEARS THROAT)

PETE: Big-time newspaperman.

Salud!

ALL: Salud!

- Cheers.
- Salud.

PETE: Cheers.

Thank you. Thank you, guys.

PETE: Mmm.

PETE: It's my shout.

You having an okay time?

What? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course.

(CLEARS THROAT)

This is great.
Really, Polly, thank you.

This is awesome.

It must be hard
without her.

You have no idea.

She'd want you to
have a good time, I'm sure.

Yeah, I know.

- Doesn't make it any easier, though.
- Right.

Probably makes it harder.

Bingo.

(SIGHS)

I know I should be
feeling thrilled right now.

I'm in print, I'm young-ish.

And I'm healthy. Also "ish."

I'm alive. I'm a living,
breathing thing, and it's really...

It's overwhelming
how lucky I am.

But yet every night
I go to bed,

and I have this
gnawing feeling.

Like what I've
got is not enough.

And every morning I wake up
thinking the feeling'll be gone,

but it's not.

Does that make me a selfish,

fucking ungrateful douche bag?

Larry, honey...

Hmm?

Take me to the hospital.

- Now? Now?
- Now.

This fiance of yours...

- Hmm?
- (INMATES COUGHING)

What's it like when
he comes to visit?

It's good.

It's weird.

Sometimes it feels like
there's never enough time,

and then sometimes

it feels like

there's actually too much.

What do you mean by that?

There's no menu,
or basket of bread on the table,

or TV to glance at.

It's just us,
looking at each other,

which can be great.

And it should be.

But sometimes...

You just need to look away.

Someone told me
that you never have had a visitor.

Can I ask why?

I guess I just
had to look away.

PIPER: Larry?

Hey. I'm just relaxing,
being normal.

Reading about, uh...

Piper, that's my rinsing cup.
Piper, you put a pee stick in my rinsing cup.

Well, you put your
pee stick in my vagina.

And that's why
we're in this situation.

I love it when you
call my mighty staff a pee stick.

I think I might want it.

My mighty staff? (CHUCKLES)

Piper, there is no "it" yet.

I know. But if there is...

You're going to prison
in three months.

I know. I could be pregnant
while I'm in prison.

What else am I
gonna be doing in there?

How did we go from
not talking about kids at all

to starting
a prison family?

People are always saying
that there's never a perfect time.

(CHUCKLING) Okay, I'm not
sure that our current situation applies here.

Are we at least
gonna talk about other options?

You mean...

It's not Voldemort.
You can say it. Abortion.

Oh.

Look, not...
Okay, not that I'd insist, Piper. Okay? I...

Your body, yourself.
It's a wonderland.

I just...

I'm just... I'm still
stuck in the mindset

that I've been in
for so long. I don't...

Like when Polly
and Pete told us,

I felt panicked for them
before I remembered

that people actually want
to get pregnant now.

So you're saying
that you don't want it.

I want to have
a family with you, Piper. Of course.

So, listen. You know
all those conversations

that we've had
about making my time in there meaningful?

Well, we could,
we could start a new future now,

instead of waiting.

Piper,
the baby would come home,

and you would
still be in jail.

Let's see what the pee stick
has to say about this.

I feel sad.

I feel sad
that you feel sad.

He's beautiful.
I mean, I don't know.

That's what you're
supposed to say, right? It's a baby.

You have to say it's amazing.

I mean, you can't say,

"It's amazing
how much he looks like John Goodman."

Okay, so tell me everything.
From the very beginning.

You got Polly into the...

I got Polly in,
she's changing into her gown,

- and she's like, "Where's Pete?"
- Yes.

"Where the hell is Pete?"

So I go out and he's
not in the waiting room, he's not in the lobby.

I look outside. He is...
He's on the ground, Piper.

He's on the fucking pavement,
wrestling with the cab driver.

Jesus!

Yeah. He left his
credit card at the bar.

And I can't pay the guy,
'cause of course Pete had done his whole,

you know, "Don't bring a cent.
Your money's no good here.

"Tonight is your night, mate,"

so I had to let the guy run the
meter until Polly's dad got there.

And Polly's dad
rolled his eyes, 'cause...

Of course he rolled
his fucking eyes!

And I'm like,
"P.S., dickhead, I just saved your grandchild

"from being born
on a gin-soaked

"shuffleboard table.
You're welcome."

Did she get the extra stitch?

I don't know what that is.

But every one was
asking about you, Pipes.

I mean, every one at the bar.

Literally every
chance they got.

People like you,
Piper Chapman.

Even people that
haven't met you.

One of Polly's friends?
She said she felt like she knows you

because of how well
I captured your spirit.

She doesn't know me.

That girl that
you wrote about? That's not me.

What do you mean?

Nothing.

Do you think that
I'm a narcissist or a horse's ass?

What? No, of course not.
Why would you say that?

(VOICE BREAKING)
I missed your party.

I couldn't
get the dryer open.

And I wasn't there
when my best friend had her baby.

It's just shitty.

I know.

(CRYING)

(LAUGHS)

(INMATES CLAMORING)

I got her.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)

(MUSIC STOPS)

This room is for prayer.

Never heard of it.

(SIGHS)

We need to talk.

Heard about your old roommate.

Sent down to seg,
and an extended sentence.

It's a raw deal.

Yeah.

I got a couple questions
that I need to ask you.

I think you may know
the answers to 'em.

About Red and the way
that she runs her business.

And I would
think that a smart, savvy person like yourself

would know an opportunity...

Neptune's Produce.

You wanna know
how she gets the contraband in?

That's it.
Now leave me the fuck alone.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)

WOMAN OVER PA:
Reminder, ladies,

to wash your hands,
and do not share towels.

Clean ladies are
healthy ladies.

(ALL CHATTERING)

(LAUGHING) I know, right?
All right.

INMATE: Later.

What's up, T?

(CHUCKLES)

Yo,
we gotta get some hot sauce

in this bitch,
like you said, man.

Tapatio, Texas Pete...
Shit, I don't even care.

Yo, if that shit
don't come through soon,

you gotta start
filibustin' the WAC.

I heard back from the board.

Yo, T, them motherfuckers
don't know shit. You know that.

I'm getting out.

Wait, you ain't playin'?

No.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Tays!

(GIGGLING)

POUSSEY: Oh, my...

MAN OVER PA:
Mail delivery will be delayed

as letters are being
screened for anthrax.

So, you have
experience in kitchens.

Food preparation?

Some experience. Yes.

Maybe we can get
you a job in here.

You know, Angie,
our last cook, she's no longer with us.

She got out?

Yeah, something like that.

GUARD: Romano?

- Reznikov.
- Red.

Show her the ropes tomorrow.

I look forward to it.

GUARD: Okay.
Let me show you around over here.

Got a minute there, cowboy?

Everything okay?

Of course it is.
We just gotta have a little talk, you and me.

Go ahead.

(WOMAN SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY OVER PA)

(COUGHING)

You sick, too?

(SIGHING) Oh.

Yeah, it got me a day late.

Sorry.

What, are you a vampire now?
Do you need an invitation?

Not too close, though.
I'm contagious.

I know.

I'm plotting my revenge
on that redneck fucking Deliverance extra.

If you want in.

Maybe.

You seem depressed.
Even for prison.

You know, if you ever
wanna talk about it,

that's what
the counselors are for.

(LAUGHING)

(COUGHING)

Personally,
I went on sad drugs when I got here,

and they worked for a while,

but now I just cheek 'em
and trade 'em for black eyeliner.

(CHUCKLES)

(SNIFFLES)

They make me constipated.

I would rather shit and cry
than strain and nap all the time.

What's wrong?

Really.

He wrote an article
about me.

- The fiance?
- Mmm-hmm.

"One Sentence,
Two Prisoners."

Oh, it's a terrible title.

I know.

And I'm happy for him,
but he got...

He got so much of it so wrong.

I'm not somebody's girlfriend.

I'm not some cool story
at a yuppie fucking cocktail party.

"You did a year
in the Peace Corps? I did a year in prison."

Fuck, no!

Those things we did,
you and me,

that wasn't adventure or a romp.

That was my life.

You want me to kill him?

(ALEX SNICKERS)

I may be a sick lesbian
in a prison bunk,

but I got a couple
tricks up my sleeve. (LAUGHS)

(SIGHING) Ugh.

I feel like I am missing so much.

Me, too.

Why are you making that face?

(SNEEZES)

(SNIFFLES)

Shit.

(MARITZA CLEARS THROAT)

I brought you this.
In case you throw up.

Keep it there
till you feel better.

Thanks.

- She have the baby?
- Yeah.

11:53 p.m.

Some blanca guesser
bitch won the Twix.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Fine.

Everyone else seems
to be getting over it.

I should be back
to normal soon.

You ain't got what
everybody else has.

How do you know?

'Cause your tits
are popping out of your shirt.

Same shit happened to me
every fuckin' time.

Every time what?

You'll feel better
in nine months.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)