Orange Is the New Black (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - Can't Fix Crazy - full transcript

Alex makes a final decision about Piper and Larry finally decides what will happen to Piper after meeting Alex for the first time. Red's plan to retrieve her kitchen goes awry. Piper is forced to stand up to another inmate.

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(THEME SONG PLAYING)

Thank you so much.

Where in the Nativity
story are we supposed to fit a juggler?

You said you'd keep an open mind.

- There are more ways to celebrate the birth
- (SIGHS)

of Christ besides singin' Joy to the World.

CHAPLAIN: Ladies.

After the auditions, I was planning to
leave the show in your hands.

But if you can't get along,
I will take it back

and the pageant will be two carols,

the lady who juggles,
and good night.



(SIGHS)

We'll be fine.

Of course, Chaplain.

Who's next?

(HIP-HOP CHRISTMAS CAROL
PLAYING)

So a penguin
and a farmer walk into a bar...

(YELLS)

(CHRISTMAS RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

This is a duck.

(IMITATES DUCK)

This is a dolphin.

(IMITATES DOLPHIN)

This is a goose.

(SINGING)
Hark the Herald angels sing



Glory to the newborn King

(SINGING)
Tidings of comfort and joy, Comfort and...

(SINGING)
Joy to the world, the Lord has come

(BEATBOXING)

(HUMMING J I NGLE BELLS)

Here we go.

(CHRISTMAS RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING) Dashin' through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh

O'er the fields we go
Laughin' all the way

Ha! Ha! Ha!

(SINGING)
Go, tell it on the mountain

Over the hills
and everywhere

Go. Go, tell it
on the mountain...

(CHRISTMAS RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

(EXHALES)

(HUMMING J I NGLE BELLS)

Merry Christmas.
(BEATBOXING) Happy Hanukkah.

(HUMMING J I NGLE BELLS)

Don't forget Kwanzaa.

(CHRISTMAS RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHUCKLES)

Watch out, old Jesus is back!

Black Cindy!

(IMITATES BIRD)

I can sing, too.
You know, in addition to the ice skating.

And so the penguin says,
"Dude, he's not an eggplant, he's retarded."

(BOTH LAUGHING)

It lost me at the umbrellas.

"Be not afraid, for behold,
I bring good tidings of great joy."

Thank you, Doggett.

I assume by your
choice of material,

you're interested in
the part of an angel?

Yes, ma'am.
That's correct,

because last year
I was up on this stage as the ox,

and the year before
that I was the ass.

And so, I dunno about y'all,
but I'm really startin'

to feel like you're
tryin' to assassinate my character.

'Cause I know that I am ready

to shine my light for the shepherds

and announce across
the land the miracle of baby Jesus Christ.

Mr. Healy, I know that
I said a lot of things.

What do you
want, Chapman?

I need a marriage
request form.

You need a form
and my approval,

which you don't have.

Please, Mr. Healy.

Marriage is a privilege.

You are not entitled to it.

And to use one of your
own delightful phrases, "Go fuck yourself."

(CRUNCHING)

Yup.

What part of "out of
the kitchen effective

"immediately" did
you not understand?

Without my produce order,
I have to re-plan the whole holiday menu.

I can't sit on the bench all day

while you play out this little power trip.

We'll all be eating sardines for Christmas.

You're gonna be
eating prison loaf

when I drag you
to Seg by that purple pelt on your head.

Now, have some
self-respect and don't make me do it.

It feels serious in here.

It smells good, though.
What kind of soup is that?

Navy bean.
I'll save you a bowl.

Gloria, you are
reassigned to the kitchen.

Head cook, queen bee.
You start now.

Can I bring my people?

Whatever you need to do.

Get the forms from O'Neill.

This is bullshit and you know it.

This whole place
will fall apart when I'm gone.

- Let's go.
- (GRUNTS)

BENNETT: No, originally from Poughkeepsie,
well, outside of Poughkeepsie.

(CHUCKLES)

Go on.

So, after the
tragedy with Miller,

I was determined to find out if drugs were in
fact coming into the prison.

I thought, um...
I had a hunch.

So when the vegetable
truck pulled up, I went through the boxes.

Let me stop you there.

So, you went through
the boxes before they

actually came
onto the property?

That's correct.
At the gate.

So you didn't find
drugs in the kitchen or on prison grounds?

No, ma'am, the
pills were in a box of cabbage,

and I brought them
straight to Caputo.

Okay.

Well, Bennett.

Uh, John?

Yeah.

John, your intentions
were so good here,

but from what
you're telling me,

Neptune's Produce
didn't bring drugs into the prison.

You did.

(SCOFFS)

(STAMMERS) What are you
talkin' about?

You just said that
you found the drugs in the cabbage

before the truck
pulled onto the campus,

and then you brought
them to Caputo.

- That's right, but...
- John,

you are one of
the good guys. I know that.

So, I want to protect you.

I think it's best
if you don't fill out a report on this.

But they were going to the kitchen.

It's not like the truck was making stops

between the front gate and the loading dock.

We don't know that.

- Of course we do.
- Bennett,

I am so impressed by
how you've handled things.

And you know what?
I am going to authorize incentive pay.

That's an extra
$130 a month.

- Thank you, but...
- Now...

Hmm.

You go do your job
and let me take it from here.

Okay, John?

- Howard, Larry's here!
- Hey, Pop.

AMY: You want
a cup of decaf?

I have this vanilla
coconut creamer I put in.

It's delicious.
I'll make you one.

- Thanks, Ma.
- Mmm.

You read about this
Google Glass thing?

We're gonna all
look like cyborgs.

Cyborgs? Aren't
those your neighbors down in Florida?

So, to what do we
owe this pleasure?

I went to the
movies on 86th, so, I was nearby.

- Anything good?
- Nah.

AMY: My friends
loved your radio thing.

Everyone was talking
about it at mahjong.

Did Piper enjoy it?
I never got the full report from you.

Uh, she had some
issues with it.

But, uh, we talked
them through.

And then we kept
talking and at the end of our talk,

we decided that
we were gonna get married right away.

While she's
still in there.

As soon
as possible.

So...

That's really
the full report, since you asked.

I think this is the
longest you two have ever been silent.

Why are you
rushing this?

I want to start
my life, Ma.

I want to know that
we are committed

and that our commitment
is taken seriously.

So, take it seriously.
You need a paper for that?

You've known we were getting married,
Dad. This is not new information.

The point is that
Piper is spending a year in an institution.

You can't tell what
she's gonna be like when she gets out.

Or when she gets
out, for that matter.

Things are
arbitrary in there.

You give someone
the wrong look on the wrong day...

(WHISTLES)

Why don't you
just wait and see how things turn out?

Yeah, if you meet
someone else in the meantime, you'll have...

I don't want to wait and see. I don't want
to meet anyone else, okay?

I love her and I want
to spend the rest of my life with her.

In all her ways.

She's had some
interesting ways so far.

Girl ways.
Boy ways. Drug ways.

Ma!

I get it, Larry,
she's a natural blonde. She's exotic for you.

But exotic is for
pets and vacations, it's not for making a life.

You think
I'm that shallow? I know her.

She is exciting,
I'll give you that,

but does she
share your values?

Will she be
a good mother?

Does she make you feel
good about yourself?

I think so.

Why, you can't remember?

Yes, she does.
Of course she does.

Look, we've been
together a long time. We're invested.

Are you calculating
your opportunity costs

or are you
discussing love here?

AMY: Why don't you just
wait until she gets out?

See if you're
still compatible. Spend some time.

Larry, why are you
in such a hurry?

It's not like
she's going anywhere.

What, are you afraid
she's gonna meet someone else?

(SIGHS)

(WOMAN CHATTERING ON PA)

ALEX: Well, if it isn't
the invisible woman.

One intense talk about
the future and you disappear on me.

Not a shocker,
but I had gotten my hopes up.

I'm getting married.

You've been getting
married since before you got here.

(CHUCKLES)
This is not news.

Say what you really mean.

I pick him.
I pick Larry.

Of course you do.

I love you, too.

But we both know
I don't have the balls

to free fall through
life with you.

No. You don't.

At least I made a decision,
right?

(SCOFFS)

Aren't you proud of me?

Piper... (SCOFFS)

Fuck you.

- Alex...
- Listen...

Yes.

You have made a decision.

So here is what it
means going forward.

You may not come
running to me again. Not with your problems.

Not with your love.

Not with your need
or sadness or anger,

or even your laundry
when it's not specifically your laundry day.

You may never
come to me again.

Ever.

Well, what do you know?

Jesus. What are
you doing here?

Relax, man.
Just here to get my paycheck, shit.

Oh, It's nice
to see you, too, buddy.

Sorry. I'm just...
It's a surprise, I mean.

Spit it out.
Have you seen her?

You gave her
my note, right?

I wrote her a letter,
didn't put my name on it.

But she'll know
who it's from. She say anything?

- Who?
- Who?

My girl, man! Fuck!
Oh, God, I can't keep my brain off of her!

What do you think
you're gonna do about that?

Man's greatest struggle
in life is to find a woman who's sexy

but, like, still
could be a mom.

She's that, Benny.

I feel like she
could be the one.

You know, I see myself
buying sheets with her.

Taking trips to
Mount Rushmore.

That's great.

Oh, she's got
these lips, Jesus!

I had no idea.
I always dated women with thin lips.

It's a fucking
revelation.

Isn't something
on the record with you guys now?

I mean, how does
that play out?

I dunno, but whatever
it is, she's worth it.

Hey, if you get any
info, intel, insight, fucking call me, all right?

- Happy holidays, man.
- Hey, what about your paycheck?

ANGIE: You know your
lines yet for the pageant?

I dunno.
'Cause I can't concentrate

with Satan's Girl Scout
skipping around.

I was a Girl Scout.
Troop 247.

(CHUCKLES)
They taught us how to use tampons.

You are still
on probationary term, Leanne.

Don't be talking
about tampons while

I'm sittin' here
plottin' my revenge. Thanks.

Okay, I figured it out.

She don't need God.
That was a misinterpretation.

I went back to my book
to find some answers.

I needed a clear answer.

Luke, 19:27,
Jesus said,

"But those
mine enemies,

"which would not that
I should reign over them,

"bring hither,
and slay them before me."

And I found it.
I found it. I turned right to the page.

Now if that ain't a sign,
I don't know what is.

Is it just me,
or are these eggs, like, extra spicy?

My mouth is on fire.

Okay, so, for Secret Santa,

I've got you guys,
Red, Norma, Gina, I'm putting Alex in.

Think we should
ask Chapman?

Hmm. I think she'd
give good gifts.

Come on, you guys,
Secret Santa is supposed to be like family.

What, you honestly
think Chapman and Vause are family?

Well, I think it's nice.

We don't have
Mercy anymore. And Tricia.

Let's throw 'em in.
Expand the circle. It's fucking Christmas.

All right. All right.
Hey, you gonna finish those eggs...

No! No! You can't
have these. They're good this morning.

Do not say that to Red.
Whatever you do.

As far as we're
concerned, breakfast was a mess, capisce?

Hmm. Yeah.
Of course.

Sure. But when
she gets back in the kitchen,

could you ask her
to make the eggs like this?

Because they
are delicious.

You're both asking
for fuckin' trouble.

(WHIMPERING)

Chapman, hello.
Happy holidays.

Happy holidays.

You are a first
time offender

with a short sentence,
and you're white.

Which means there
are a lot of programs

here that you probably
are not aware of,

because you're
lucky enough not to need them.

I'm sure.

Like the GED program.

We've allocated some
funds to bring that back in the new year.

Well, that's great to hear.

I don't personally
care for talk radio.

The incessant chatting
gives me a migraine, but some people do,

and apparently,
some of these little shows

have fans that
write articles.

Oh. This is about
Larry's radio thing.

Yeah. I believe
he got some of the facts wrong.

But, you know,
it's not a news story.

It's more like, um,
storytelling.

Did you listen to it?

No.

So, here's what
I need from you.

On the off chance
that there's a follow-up storytelling,

it would be great
if your husband could be better informed

about all
we're trying to accomplish here.

Here's a list.

(MAN CHATTERING ON PA)

Of course.

I would be happy
to make sure he's up to speed.

I mean, that would only
serve all of us, right?

That's right.

But, you know,

I'm not the only
one who's been talking to Larry.

Counselor Healy
has spoken with him.

Why was Healy speaking
to your husband?

He called to tell him
I was having

a lesbian affair
with another inmate.

Oh, good Christ.

No, no, that's okay.

It's probably
just another case of misinformation.

What's your angle, Chapman?

You know, you keep
referring to Larry as my husband?

But we're not married yet.
Though we do hope to be.

So, that means,
I need a marriage request form,

and, of course,
your approval.

And I would be
happy to make sure that my new husband

is up to speed
with all of the

great work you're
doing here at Litchfield.

I am sure we could
arrange something.

(INDISTINCT MURMURING)

All of us in
the kitchen, making tamales.

Almost feels like
Christmas at home.

Hmm.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Please, speak English.

How about you
learn Spanish?

In my family,
it's Cousin Frankie. Fuckin' perv.

My mother hit him with
a brick when he messed with my niece once.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Now half his face
is kinda sunk in. Serves him right.

My daughter's
with my cousin

at some marimacha
collective she's part of.

Not a dick for miles.

- You ain't worried they'll turn her gay?
- She's a baby.

I'll get her
back before she knows anything.

NICKY: Immigration!
Hands where I can see 'em.

Hmm. Funny, cabrona.

Hey, the Squirrel and
the Silent One nearby?

Out back. But not too long,
'cause they got work to do.

All right.

Hey, hey, Tweedles,
time to draw your names for Secret Santa.

Now, Norma,
I'll remind you again, it's a secret,

so don't go blabbing
all over camp.

If you pick your own
name, just put it back and pull again.

Really?

You seen Red?

No, not yet.
How's she doing?

She wouldn't leave the cube this
morning. She won't show up for work.

I said, "They're
gonna throw you

"in the SHU if you
don't go to work,"

but then she gave
me that look that makes my ass leak.

I am familiar
with that look.

You gotta talk to her.

And what am
I supposed to say?

That it's all
gonna be okay?

She's a very bright woman.
She knows how fucked she is.

Please, Nicky.
She's really not in a good way.

I'll see what I can do.

Ooh!

Diaz got an
interesting one.

Mom Diaz or
daughter Diaz?

Daughter.

"Dayanara, I think of
your body all the time.

"I'll be doing something
else, something normal, like driving my car

"or making spaghetti,
and then I see you there in my brain, naked.

"I can barely
write this letter I get so turned on.

"You cast
a spell on me.

"And, baby, I hope that
spell is never undone.

"Until we see
each other again."

Signed, "Hot for you."
But with the number four.

- (LAUGHS)
- Poor schmuck.

Guess he doesn't know
Mendez stuck it in her.

And what's the latest with that?

So far just a suspension.

Captain's not
saying anything about it, though.

And he won't. Watch.

Diaz'll get
transferred and Mendez will be back.

They love that sadistic fuck.

You just gotta let
the jizz settle first.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, check this out.
Vause got one from Chapman's fiance.

Ooh, scandal!

He's asking,
will she add him to her visitation list?

"We need to talk," he says.

You think they're
conspiring on something?

Yeah. A threesome.

Been thinkin' about that, have you?
Chapman and Vause?

I'm not saying
something we don't all know.

(MICROWAVE BELL DINGS)

(WOMAN CHATTERING ON PA)

There she is.
And standing up!

I heard you'd gone horizontal.

I'm not here.
I'm outside raking dirt somewhere.

You don't see me.

All right. (CLEARS THROAT) You gotta pick
your name for the Secret Santa.

Not this year, Nicky.
I'm not in the mood.

Come on, Red.
You love Christmas.

Your sons come up,
I mean, with their big-haired wives.

I can't wait to see
what Sparkle Tits wears this year.

Sparkle Tits and
Yuri have split.

She took the kids
and the tits and the guinea pig

and moved to
Sheepshead Bay.

So, how was breakfast?

Spicy. And my
potatoes were cold.

But it wasn't a disaster?

I heard that someone
found a long black hair in her eggs,

but it went unconfirmed.

What? Should we have
gone on a hunger strike?

They all work in
kitchens now, don't they?

They pop out of
a trunk of a car and learn to fry an egg.

God bless America.

You can't blame Gloria.

She's just trying
to make the best of a bad situation.

Fucking Mendez.
This is not how it was supposed to go.

None of this is how
it's supposed to go.

You're tougher
than woodpecker lips. You'll be okay.

(SIGHS)

Here. Just get whoever
it is something nice.

It's good karma.
Sometimes that shit comes back around.

(CLICKING COUNTER)

CULLIVER: All clear!

Heard you broke up
with your girl.

Wow. Twitter's got
nothing on prison.

You feel bad?

I feel like I did
what I needed to do.

She mad?

Yep.

Mad enough to leave
a dead rat on your locker?

What?

Whoa!

What the fuck?
No, no, no, she didn't do that.

Do you think that
that thing just crawled up here and died?

No. This a message rat.

Someone say they
gonna kill you.

Say it right here.

See, they meant "you're," apostrophe
R-E. As in, you are gonna die.

But this some
ignorant bitch-ass shit.

What's an Amalekite?

I think it's some
Bible stuff.

Hey, yo, Black Cindy.
Come here.

Stuff. I bet this
was that crazy fucking hillbilly.

What's up?

- You was raised in the church, right?
- I was,

but like my
daddy say...

(SINGING) The Lord don't take
the wuzzers into the kingdom

He take the izzers
Yeah!

(VOCALIZING)

Uh, so what's
an Amalekite?

- Amalekite?
- Mmm-hmm.

Oh, they real
baddies in the Bible. Attackin' everybody.

Preying on the
weak and shit. A war tribe.

Ooh, in Samuel,
God told Saul to kill 'em all.

(GRUNTS)

Utterly destroy them motherfuckers.
That what God say.

Even the babies.
Even the cows.

They so bad their
cows had to die.

Say anything about rats?

No. Mmm-mmm.

Okay, this is nuts.

It is.

I have to tell someone.

Right. 'Cause
COs love trouble.

Man, you say something,

they gonna put you in Seg
"for your own protection,"

just so they ain't gotta deal.

True, true.

You gotta handle
this yourself. Straight up. Cut.

(IMITATES CUTTING)

Well, what am
I supposed to do?

Kill that
motherfucker. Out.

I seen dead everything.

Did you explain to
her about the inventory?

That protein order has
to last into next month.

I'll come back and
there will be nothing

but scraps for
me to work with.

They all talk Spanish
when we're around.

(SIGHS) Listen, Jesus.

She may have fed
a quinceanera or two,

but this will catch up
with her soon enough.

Feeding an entire
prison population day in

and day out is a whole
other pot of fish stew

and when she
starts to drown in it,

we'll be the ones
who will pay the price.

It'll take us weeks
to put everything back into working order.

This is what
I need you to do.

Speed up the inevitable.

Overcook, over-salt.

We need the inmates to revolt.

Red, we're on the B-team.

We don't go anywhere
near food prep anymore.

She's got us
stacking boxes, serving...

Well, start serving
very slowly then.

The meal times will
be all screwed up.

It'll throw
the whole camp off.

Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, she runs
a pretty tight ship, right, Norma?

I don't think
we'll get away with it.

Don't think, Gina.
Just do it.

You want to be
stacking boxes for the rest of your stay?

You listen to what I'm telling you,

you need to fuck with that kitchen.

You fuck with this kitchen,

I'll have you outta here so fast

you'll think your ass grew wheels.

Hey, we just wanna do a good job.

Yeah? Then why
you in here sniffin' around the dry goods

when I asked you
to wipe down the service station?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, mira,
I got four kids, I know every trick there is.

Now, I kept you
here 'cause you know your shit.

It's not your fault
that Red lost the kitchen.

But we all know this
is one of the good jobs.

Don't let Red take
you down with her.

Vamos, let's go.

PIPER: Maybe she's just
trying to engage me.

She says that thing
about the Amalekites, piques my interest,

and then she can
get me to go to Bible study group.

(POUSSEY SCOFFING)

She's a weird girl.

- Yeah. "You gonna die" was really vague.
- BLACK CINDY: Ha!

Like, totally open
to interpretation.

You know that tweakhead is coming
for you, you better prepare.

All right, listen,
chick steps up,

kick her straight
in the cooch.

Hurts just as much on
girls as it do on guys.

ALL: Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah,
but if you punchin', you go for the nose.

Biff! Swap!
You know what I mean?

I still say
the pookacha. Shot to the twat.

Yo! Then, when
she doubled over,

elbow straight to the back.
Like... (YELLS)

- Bitch out!
- What? Gone!

Pow, pow, pow,
pow! Whomp!

(WOMEN CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)

Okay, come on,
you guys, come on!

With Red, I just had
to come up with a creative solution.

So, maybe we
should think along those lines.

Figure out
something she really needs.

What is something
that she really needs?

ALL: New teeth!

(ALL LAUGHING)

BLACK CINDY: This is jacked
up! Bitches in heat.

POUSSEY: Yo.

- He's in love with you.
- What are you talking about?

Mendez. He's madly
in love with you.

Clearly you gave
an amazing performance,

because the man
is head over heels.

Unless it wasn't
a performance.

- You think I liked it?
- I don't know.

All I know is that
he sure did and I had to hear all about it,

and now I can barely look at you.

John, it's our baby.

Well, it can go live with George.

- Who's George?
- Mendez!

(INAUDIBLE)

He'll think it's
his love child anyway.

(SIGHS) I'll ask him
to get a DNA test.

Then they'll fire me.

They're not gonna know it's yours.

They'll just know it's not his.

Then Cesar will
pick it up from the hospital

and he'll bring it to you.

If the test proves it's not his,

they're gonna want
to know how you got pregnant in prison,

and then we're back
to where we started. Daya, it was a bad plan.

And you had sex with him.

John, I love you.

I hate him.

I only love you.
You gotta know that.

I can't do this.

What...

You missed a spot.

ALEX: Come on, Lorna,
tell us who you got!

No! It's a secret!

BIG BOO: (LAUGHS)
Some secret.

You just got
finished asking me

what my favorite color is
and if my feet get cold.

If I was making you slippers,

which I am not,
I wouldn't be anymore.

So, you just get
used to having cold feet that ain't magenta!

(BOTH SNICKERING)

Wow. Please start
fucking her again.

Yeah, you only
get one chance to break my heart.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, remember
that, Vause.

Such self-restraint.
It's impressive for a junkie.

Well, yeah,
that's with drugs.

Look, you gotta remember,

I had a mom who sent
me to overnight camp when I was three.

I have mastered the art
of shutting people off.

Yeah, maybe I should go
into training with you.

What, Chapman?

Sucks. I'm sorry,
kid. I know she got to you.

Hey, how about we both
say a little prayer that she gets fat

and stops
shaving her legs?

Done.

Look.

From your son?
Oh, Sophia, I'm so happy for you.

Look, he didn't
write anything else.

But that's his signature.
My wife didn't fake-sign it for him this time.

Oh!

So that's
something, right?

Mmm-hmm.

That's something.
I just wish he'd talk to me.

He's starting to.

Sisters. You all sure
about this part for me?

Have faith, dear.
Your voice resonates.

Yeah. You right.
I should just put the past behind me.

No way that
could happen again.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

Alex.

Yeah?

You're tall.

(SCOFFS)

I've been told.

(SIGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Um...

Sorry, this is, uh...

(SCOFFS)

Had so many things
planned to say to you, but now I...

I'm just picturing you...

Got you all flustered?

You got me pissed off.

How many times do
you think you can

come around and fuck up
Piper's life, huh?

I don't know what
psychic black void

your little game
with her fills,

but you need
to end it now and stay away from her.

Not a problem.
She's all yours, champ. We done here?

Whoa, whoa! Whoa.
Hold on.

Suddenly she's all mine
when you have been

working her over
since she got here?

Working her over?
Are you fucking kidding me?

She came to me.
Dragged me into that chapel and fucked me.

Surprised me, too.
She never used to be the aggressor.

I guess it was a new color
she was trying on.

Or maybe she was bored.
Uh, who knows?

You fucked in a chapel?

It's prison.

(RADIO CHATTER)

There aren't
a whole lot of options.

But I'm done.

I can't survive
another spin on her merry-go-round.

And clearly,
you're still into it, so (SCOFFS) enjoy the ride.

Fuck you. It's not a ride.
We're getting married.

Great.

So why are you here?

I wanted to meet you.

Larry, my heart is with you.

She's hot.
She's read everything.

(SIGHS)
We both know what she's like in bed.

But she is fucked up.

I know it,
and you do, too.

Or else you wouldn't
be here warning me to stay away.

I'm not your problem.

(SHOWER RUNNING)

Hey, College.

(GASPS)

- What are you...
- Don't be acting all modest.

You're about as
indecent as they come.

Okay. Let me dry off
and we can talk about this.

Bathroom's full.
Try back later.

(TISKS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

I don't wanna talk.

I'm not going to let you
intimidate me, Tiffany.

What do you want?

What do I want?

(GRUNTS)
Hmm.

I want you to
feel the same pain on your body

as you have made
me feel in my heart.

I know, it's not much.

But it's sharp,
it's sharp. Do you wanna see?

Hmm.

(GASPS)

(WHISTLES)

Out.

I thought only lady COs
can go in the bathroom.

DONALDSON: Hey! This is not
your assigned bathroom,

you are out of bounds.
Out, now!

I guess next time we're
gonna get more creative. That's okay.

DONALDSON: Doggett!

I got some other ideas.

- Doggett!
- Yes. Yes, yes, yes, coming.

(SHUDDERING)

You okay?

No. I'm not
equipped to deal with this.

I have to tell someone.

Please, she is
a bitty thing.

You can take her. Easy.

And when you do,
score is settled.

Girl, stop being
a bitch-ass bitch.

You got a little blood
on your nip-nip there. Rinse that off.

(SNORING)

(RADIO CHATTER)

(WOMEN SNICKERING)

MARITZA AND FLACA:
Five, six, seven, eight.

Pop, turn and shake.

MARITZA: No,
a shimmy now. Daya!

Okay.

- Got it.
- ALL: Five, six, seven, eight.

Hip, hip, ha, ha,
pop, pop, turn and shimmy.

- No, pero you gotta pop!
- Booty.

- All right!
- Okay, okay.

And shake your
booty at the end.

WOMEN: Five, six,
seven, eight.

Uno, dos, tres, cuatro,
hip, hip, ha, ha, pop, pop, turn...

Ladies, this is not
a recreational area. Get to work. Now!

Whoa, lighten up.
It's the holidays.

I said back to work.

Okay, but we were just
rehearsing our dance.

The rules are put in
place for your safety.

All right.
(SIGHS)

( SPEAKING SPANISH)

I know, right?

I understand
some Spanish, Flaca. He's not my boyfriend.

What did you say, inmate?

Nothing.

That's right.
You say nothing.

You have nothing to say.

- (GRUNTS)
- (WOMEN SCREAMING)

(ALARM BLARING)

(YELLING)

(WHIMPERS)

I don't see any
electrical issues.

Appliance seems to
be in good shape.

Just full of grease.
So I'm gonna say grease fire.

Brilliant. Thank you.

How bad did
Murphy seem to you?

BENNETT: It's hard to say.

You know,
after she got sprayed, there was a lot of foam.

She was burned,
all over her arm and, like, her clavicle.

I seen it before Maritza spritzed.

Mendoza, part
of your job is to make sure

these ovens are cleaned properly.

Don't make me regret
putting you in charge.

I did clean those ovens.

Well, clearly not well enough.

Yeah. Clearly.

All right,
get back to work.

MAN ON PA:
Attention, ladies,

breakfast has been
temporarily delayed.

Are you sure you're okay?

Yeah, it just
scared me a little.

Me, too.

CAPUTO: Bennett!

We have more to discuss.

Yes, sir.

MAN: Blocks B and C
resume normal program.

Talk to the medic,
get a detailed account of Murphy's injuries,

bring me the report
by the end of the day.

Speaking of reports,
where's the drug bust?

I want to get that filed.
That is a big win for us.

Yeah, can I talk
to you about that?

I had this meeting
or something with Fig.

Christ. What happened?

She is a pencil
pusher, Bennett.

You and I, we are
battling in the trenches.

She told me not to
file a report about the...

About the drugs.
She said an investigation could point to me.

That little...

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

She's cutting
off your balls to protect her own.

You write up
that report, Bennett,

and you bring it to me.

That way, in fact,
you did not file it. I did.

Yes, sir.

This place fucking stinks.

We'll open some windows, sir.

That's not what I meant, Bennett.

That's not what I meant.

Merry Christmas, Chapman.

It's not Christmas yet.

Yeah, well, it came
early for you this year.

There you go. Go on.

You big ho, ho, ho.

(CHUCKLES)

I never meant to
hurt anyone, Norma. Least of all Gina.

She's my daughter.
You know that.

(SOBBING)

Yo. Check it out.
(LAUGHING)

Whoa! You put a lot
of work into that.

Who knew you were so
fucking thoughtful? Jesus.

Yeah. I have my moments.
Think she'll like it?

I don't know if she'll
appreciate the groom.

What happened to
that iron gate keeping your heart shut?

It's a joke.

Is it?

What are you doing there?

Making you a pair of earrings.

Wait! You asshole!
That's supposed to be a surprise.

Surprise!

(CHUCKLES)

These suck.

God! I'm just not crafty.
I don't know what to give you.

Man, you're right.
It should be a boy. It's not funny.

Hey. I think
I know what I want for Christmas.

Yeah?

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

(BELL DINGS)

MARIA: Next.

I got the marriage form.
It's all filled out.

Good. Good.

If I make it.

If you make it?

Someone's trying to kill me.
A Christian meth head.

Someone else is
trying to kill you?

Hey, it's not my fault.
I didn't ask for this. It just...

It just happened?
It happened. The drama happened to find you.

Like it always does.
'Cause you need it.

Where did that come from?

I met Alex.

What do you mean
you met Alex?

I wanted to tell
her to stay away.

I wanted her to see
that I was a real person that she was hurting.

But actually,
Piper,

you were the one
that was doing all the hurting.

Whatever she said
is a lie, Larry.

She's a crazy, manipulative liar.

This is unbelievable.

I can't believe
you didn't trust me to handle this on my own.

No, I didn't.
I didn't, and doesn't that say so much?

I can't be on your
ride anymore, Piper.

I don't think we share the same
values. Why was I in such a hurry?

Because I was afraid.

You shouldn't be with
someone out of fear.

No. No.

No, no, no.

I'm sorry. I...

Bye, Piper.

No. Larry.

(SIGHS)

No. No.

Alex.

Are you kidding me?
Get out.

- Alex...
- Get out. No fucking way.

Get out.

You heard the lady.

(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)

(INMATES CHATTERING)

Another holiday.
Can you believe this?

I can because
I have eyes. And a calendar.

Healy, if you ever
call an inmate's family

again with your
lesbian witch hunt shit,

I will destroy you.

Your mail-order bride
will leave you,

and you will
never work again.

Get some fucking therapy, man.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I heard you were coming.

I would have sent
these to the hospital,

but I thought I'd
rather deliver them in person.

Wow, Mr. Caputo,
Joe, thank you.

That's really thoughtful.

Oh, this is
my boyfriend, Stephen.

This is Joe Caputo.

- Hello.
- Hello, Stephen.

(CHUCKLES)

Really, really nice
to meet you.

Happy holidays, sir.

- Joe. Please.
- Joe.

Oh. All right,
that could be trouble. Excuse me.

Oh, no, I think that's
theater for "the show's gonna start soon."

Right. (CHUCKLES)
Of course.

Okay.
Okay, night... Yeah.

(SHUSHING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(ALL HUMMING)

- Joy to the world
- The world

- The Lord is come
- Is come

- Let Earth receive her King
- Her King

Let every heart
prepare Him room

- And Heaven and nature sing
- Nature sing

- And Heaven and nature sing
- Nature sing

- And Heaven, and Heaven, nature sing
- Nature sing

(CHEERING)

Amazing grace

- How sweet
- Sweet

- The sound
- Sound

That saved

A wretch like me

Like me

I once was lost

Lost

But now I'm found

Found

Was blind

But now

I see

Psst. Hey!

(CHUCKLES)

Thank you.
Merry Christmas.

(MOUTHING)
Merry Christmas.

WOMAN: Shut the fuck up.

Joseph, I'm not
feeling very well.

I'm really tired
and I have a pain.

I think it's time for
the baby to be born!

Please, Mary, lie down
here on this nice bed I made in the straw.

Oh, yeah, lay down, Mary!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Jesus fucking Christ!

All right, ladies.
Knock it off! Knock it off!

Joseph, you were saying?

That should have
been us up there.

I know.

Lie down, Mary,
it won't be long now.

(PIANO PLAYING)

I saw the light, I saw the light

No more in darkness, no more at night

Now I'm so happy, no sorrow in sight

Praise the Lord, I saw the light

(PLAYS CHORD)

(SCATTERED LAUGHING)

Just like a blind man
I wandered a long

Worries and fears

I claimed for my own

Then like the blind man
That God gave back his sight

Praise the Lord

I saw the light

WOMAN: Yeah!

(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)

I saw the light, I saw the light

You should be in the center.
You should be in the center.

No more in darkness, no more at night

Now I'm so happy, no sorrow in sight

Praise the Lord, I saw the light

Praise the Lord

I saw the light

I saw the light, I saw the light

No more in darkness, no more at night

Hey! Hey!
Where you think you're going?

Oh, no.
Oh, no.

You do not wanna
fight with me right now, crazy. You do not.

Oh, no?

Maybe you're right.
I don't wanna fight you.

I wanna end you right now.

You better stop.
Mr. Healy's right over there.

Hi, Mr. Healy.

Mr. Healy!
Mr. Healy! Mr. Healy!

She's trying to kill me!

(LAUGHING)

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS)

Oh!

Look what you
brought out to play.

You back the fuck off me!

You think I'm scared
of you? Do you?

I'm not scared of you.
'Cause I got God by my side.

(YELLS)

And he told me
that you ain't worth nothin'! See?

See how he just
works through me?

And he wants me
to smite you.

I see things.

Hmm, she-devil.
That's what you are.

You're the devil,
and I'm the angel of God.

I mean, look at my dress.
Have you seen it? How's that for poetry?

Hmm?

'Cause God loves me.
He don't love you.

'Cause you ain't
worthy of God's love,

you ain't worthy
of nobody's love.

(SHUDDERING)

So I think it's time that you die.

No!

(GRUNTING)

(O C O ME ALL YE FA I THFUL
PLAYING)

(GRUNTING)

(SONG CONTINUES)