Orange Is the New Black (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 12 - Fool Me Once - full transcript

Did you get in trouble, too?

Sometimes the feelings inside
me get messy like dirt.

And I like to clean things.

Pretend the dirt
is the feelings.

This floor is my mind.

That is called coping.

And the COs don't care

'cause they like things clean.

And that is called symbiosis.

Suzanne, listen.

Those things that
Larry said on the radio?



They sounded a lot worse
than they really were.

And when I said those things to
him, it was before I knew you.

Before I knew what
a nice person you are.

And you have to admit that
you come on a little strong.

It's okay, dandelion.
You know why?

I used to spend
a lot of time thinking

how I could make you love me.

Like, if I had
long pretty hair,

or if I made a chocolate
cake with frosting,

or if I had a green bicycle.

No! You are great
the way that you are.

I know.

Because the answer is,
you're not a nice person.

You're a mean person.



And I used to think you
was a yellow dandelion

but you're all dried up
with the puff blown off.

And it's not your fault.

You are who you are,
like, I am who I am.

I'm not mean.

I didn't mean
to be mean to you.

You gotta start
from the inside out

or else you'll
step on the clean.

Hey.

Look at you,

waking up for crack
of dawn I-told-you-so.

That's dedication.

I have to pee.

But as long as I'm here,

how's that, uh, spontaneous
confession treating you?

Shittier than I thought,
which is impressive,

considering I'm literally
scrubbing toilets.

You're sucking all of the
joy out of my gloat.

You gonna tell me what
happened with the fiance?

Oh, you know,

I accused him of feeding
on my misfortune

with the sensitivity
of a vampire squid,

and then he accused
me of betraying him

in a disgusting, yet totally
predictable manner.

So, we're in a good place.

I'm sorry, Pipes.

And that was before
he told me that his father,

AKA my lawyer,
looked at the records

and found out that it was you
who ratted me out to the Feds.

Fuck.

Don't worry about it. I
mean, fool me once, right?

Okay, listen...
Alex.

I'm over it. Really.

It's fine.

You got mine?

Caputo's special!

You know, you're not supposed to
take food out of here, Sister.

Maybe we
can bend that rule a bit.

At my age you, you've got to
keep your blood sugar steady.

I dip at around 10:00.

Don't worry about it.

Oatmeal and cheese
sandwich, no crusts.

You should eat something.

He's coming.

I like the
shape of your ears.

What else do you
like the shape of?

You know what I miss?

Mimosas.

I'm gonna need your help
with something.

You missed breakfast.

I needed to sleep
more than I needed eggs.

Miss Claudette,

I want to apologize to you for
everything that Larry said.

I had no idea it was gonna...

I know the stories they
say about me, Chapman.

I wish you'd thought enough
of me to ask for the truth.

If you're getting sick,

please keep your hands clean

and stay on your side
of the room.

Tomorrow is a big day for me
and I won't have you ruin it.

That seems to be
a talent of yours.

You ain't said
nothin' all morning.

There ain't nothing
worth saying.

And they say there's no
such thing as miracles.

Yikes.
No scrappy rejoinder?

They must have put
you on the scary meds.

Why ain't you
throwing back at her?

'Cause there ain't no
point, Leanne, all right?

I got beat.

Ain't nobody up there
looking out for me no more.

I'm looking out for you.

You know,
he finally come to me,

after all this time that
I've been following him.

I finally heard him talk to me,

him saying how I was
his girl, I was.

Turns out it weren't him.

No, it was Chapman,

the bitch devil of Litchfield.

Well, you missed her
boyfriend's crazy radio show.

Hey. Chapman put
her ass on the line

to get you out
of Psych, you know?

She's cleaning toilets
every morning

like Private
"fucking" Benjamin.

Look, I ain't looking
for revenge, okay?

She'd probably
kick my ass anyway.

No way, Tucky. You're
small but you got spit.

Man, do you know what it means,

when there ain't nobody up
there punishing the evildoers?

It means there ain't nobody giving out
prizes for the good ones, neither.

'Cause there ain't no judge,
there ain't no justice.

We just crawl around this Earth
like ants and then we die.

You don't gotta kill it.

I'm just thinking
about you, is all.

I mean, you
show 'em a baby,

you get good money
from the government.

Plus WIC packages.

All kinds of things
in them packages you get.

Cheese, peanut butter.

Baby food.

Hell, you can make a good
casserole out of baby food.

Sprinkle some Fritos
on top, tuna.

Tasty as hell, and baby
food is vegetables.

Well, if you're eating
all the baby food,

what's the baby supposed to eat?

Suit yourself.

I'm not keeping it, Arlen.

You never keep it.

Look, my cousin, Sierra, she had a
baby down at County last summer,

and after they drug tested her,

they took the baby boy away

and they arrested her for
endangering a minor, okay?

So, I think babies
are cute and all

but I ain't going
to jail for this fucker.

Well, another idea is,

you could stop doing drugs.

For real, though, I need a
ride tomorrow to the clinic.

Hell, tomorrow I gotta do
the thing with the hammers.

Jesus!

Hey.

You know what's overrated?

Toast.

Wanna fuck in the pantry?

Hey!
Get out of here.

You're gonna get us shot.

I'm serious.

I was so afraid about you
finding out the truth,

but now it's out,
and it's okay.

It's kind of a rush.

Cool thing about sex
in an industrial kitchen

is there's a ton
of margarine in here.

Stop it, Alex.

Come on, babe.

Let's celebrate how totally
fine you are with everything.

You're freaking me out.

You ain't seen nothing yet.

I said stop it.
What?

Can't a girl be totally overcome
with desire for someone

who's being so cool,

and so forgiving?

We're not okay!

This is not fine!

Good. Now we could
talk about it.

It that what this is about?

Yeah. That's what this is about.

You find out that I personally
got you thrown in here

at the exact moment your manicured
fingers were like closing

on the yuppie brass ring,

and somehow you don't
have a problem with it?

You are so full of shit.

Fuck you.

Fuck you, Alex.

You want me to be angry?

Well, guess what, I'm really fucking
angry, because I love you, Alex.

I love you
and I fucking hate you.

I have really been trying
to keep my shit together,

but if you really need to see
me Hulk out over this...

Larry left you, didn't he?

And that's why you're
fake-fine with me.

Right now you're willing to
overlook pretty much anything

because ultimately you are
just terrified of being alone.

Is that what I am to you?

A fucking binky for you to
suck on until you feel better?

Look at me.

Why did you do it?

They were offering less time.

A lot less time, depending
on how much I gave them.

I hadn't seen or heard
from you in eight years.

You weren't even real anymore,
which made it easier.

And I was pretty sure one of the
other guys would give you up anyway.

And if I'm being really honest,

I was still pissed at you.

For leaving.

For my mom.

So, yeah, at that moment
I probably was just, like,

"Fuck you," you know?

I'm not proud of myself.

You lied to me.

When I first got here
you could've given me

this whole speech right then.

I wanted you to like me.

I still do.

Maybe you should've thought
that all the way through.

Ugh.

This isn't even
remotely coffee.

No, it's dandelions.

Which are loaded
with potassium, man.

Everyone thinks potassium
is all about the bananas,

but that is
banana-lobby bullshit.

She does have a point
about the radio thing,

I'll cop to that.

She's the most interesting
thing about me right now,

and I used that.
Mmm.

And I guess it was a dick move.

But that doesn't make it
okay that she cheated on me.

No, cheating
is a strong word, pal.

Sorry, is there
another word for

"fucking someone other than
the person you promised,

"in the very recent past,

"to fuck exclusively forever"?

Uh, no. I'm just saying that
this "someone" was a girl,

which isn't really cheating.

Like, you and Piper
play squash together.

And if in her downtime she
joins a softball team, then...

That's the bigger problem
with this whole thing.

She fucked a woman.

So what, is she gay now?

I don't know about "now." I just
think that she is what she is, man.

Which is what exactly?

I'm gonna go ahead and guess
that one of the issues here

is your need to say that a
person is exactly anything.

I think it might be over.

Uh...
No offense, Bloomer,

but it's super weird
that I'm in the middle here.

You know,
one of the main reasons

that I live 110 miles
from civilization

is I'm kind of allergic
to other people's drama.

Including, and sometimes especially
when it involves my sister.

That's kind of the whole point,

you know what I'm saying?

Yeah. I know. Uh...
You want me to take off?

No, man. Absolutely chill
here for a few days

if it helps you out.

I would just really
enjoy not being involved

in any kind
of decision-making process.

And respect the limitations of the septic system.

It's touch-and-go
as it is.

Holy shit.

Everything okay?
Dude, I'm engaged!

Mr. Caputo, I gotta
make a complaint

about the fungus in
the Spanish showers.

Talk to a CO about that.

I did. They told
me to come to you

because you were the only one that
could deal with this from high up.

I bet they did.

I got a serious case
underneath my big toenail.

It is all squishy
and green under there.

As a matter of fact,
let me show you.

No. That will absolutely
not be necessary.

Well, could you at least get Crazy
Eyes over to the light brown side?

I mean, she's keeping the ghetto
cleaner than a nun's chocha, mira.

And another thing,
between my pinkie toe

and my ring toe, it is
bad news, bad news!

So when I go to medical
call and I show them,

they write that shit down,

I gotta let them know
that I told you guys.

What happened
to your shower shoes?

So I just passed out
sitting there like that,

and then when I woke up
my zoris, they were gone,

right off my feet.

Which reminds me, stealing, that's
another problem we've been having.

Well, what are you
gonna do, right?

At least we got our sanity.

Oh, look at that.
Ten of jack.

Mr. Caputo, I think I heard somebody
crying in the utility closet.

Oh, well, we can't have that.

I'm just saying
'cause we had that suicide

and you know
how these girls are.

They get an idea in their heads
and if you don't watch out

they start offing themselves every
time they get their period.

I know you guys wrote a really
encouraging memo about it,

but truth be told,

I'm not sure
everybody here can read.

I mean, I would
look into it myself

but I got too much empathy.

Lays me low.

If I am not home
in my massage chair

holding a glass of Wild
Turkey in 25 minutes,

I am holding you
personally responsible.

Yeah. That's it, baby. Faster.

Seriously, faster.

Oh, my God.
Here it comes.

Oh, God! Oh, God!
I, I love you. Oh, God!

Christ on a cross.

You seem very chipper
this morning.

My lawyer thinks the judge
is leaning our way.

We find out this afternoon.

Oh, I have something for you.

Well, honestly,
I got it for myself,

but I figured you could use it.

For your special day.

I don't know
if that is my color.

Hold out your hand.

You have any big plans
if this all works out?

There is someone
waiting for me.

That is plan enough.

And I'm going to eat
dinner at dinner time.

At 7:00,
like a person.

What do you think?

Pretty.
Hmm.

Fuck me running.

Are you trying to kill the
warden, Joe, is that it?

Are you trying to lay him
out flat with a stroke?

Because hired fucking assassins

could not be doing
a better job on him

than you are right now.

It was an isolated incident.

Oh, right. Like the
hanging two weeks ago.

Or the maple syrup situation
before that.

An armadillo could run this
place better than you can,

I swear to God.

I can't be everywhere.

You can't blame me
for this scumbag deciding

last night was his go time
to start raping people.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We are not
talking about a rape here.

We're not using the "R" word.

A CO fucks an inmate
against her will...

Did she scream?
Was she crying?

These girls throwing
themselves at COs

thinking they can
get out of here

and snag a government pension.

Read the rules, Fig.

The girl can't give consent
even if she wants to.

Listen to me. We are not putting
rape on the record right now.

Mendez is gonna take a
little leave without pay.

Uh, the stress of the job is
getting to him, etcetera.

Frankly, we could use the money,
the budget is shot to hell.

I am going to sell this
to the warden as a plus.

It's getting a little old
cleaning up your messes, Joe.

What the hell happened last night?
You okay?

Should you be working?

I'm fine.

Daya, if he hurt you...

Bennett, I'm fine.
And now you're fine, too.

What?

Now, when they find out
I got a baby in me,

it ain't gonna
come down on you.

Oh, my God.

Don't be mad.
You did it on purpose?

Because I love you.
I did it for us.

For us, you fucked Mendez?

And you lied? You got him
suspended without pay.

Suspended?

They ain't fired that fucknut?
He raped me.

He didn't rape you,
you framed him.

Yeah, but as far as they know.

Anyway, it don't matter.

Everything's gonna be okay now.

Who are you?

So what?
Leanne call you?

She's worried about you.

Said you haven't been yourself.

Yeah.
She's probably right.

I'm still getting out from under
the meds that they gave me.

Why?

'Cause you so much as even
squawk about God in here,

and you get thrown in
with the Looney Toons.

Yeah. Well, liberals
are everywhere.

Yeah. Well, they ain't
wrong, you know?

About what?

Oh, this girl, Chapman?

She made me believe that he'd chose me.
He didn't.

They all disrespecting me,
he didn't do nothing.

He let 'em laugh at me.

Conclusion being that I don't
think he exists at all.

And if he does, he ain't
a person I wanna know.

Matthew 5:11.

"Blessed are ye, when men shall
revile you, and persecute you,

"and shall speak
all manner of evil

"against you falsely,
for my sake."

He hasn't abandoned you,
Tiffany.

Maybe he just wants you to
notice someone who needs him.

She don't need him, okay?

All she needs is her own self and her
sasquatch of a girlfriend, okay?

People hurt other people
because they're unhappy.

Because they feel guilty
over things they've done

and they have no one
to forgive them.

You might as well
tell me to turn into a duck.

'Cause I ain't forgiving her.

I mean, I have to confess that to
you right now, I'm not that big.

God wants you to be that big.

He chose you to be a hero.

Remember how you yourself
have been forgiven.

Number five, huh?

We should give you a punch-card,
get the sixth one free.

You best not waste
my squirrel bullets.

She disrespected me.

I assume
you heard about Mendez.

I heard
he was fraternizing, sir.

"Fraternizing."

Fischer, I've seen some
things I can't unsee.

I can imagine.

More importantly, I've had
to put an officer on ice,

leaving us short-handed a week
before the Christmas pageant.

You have not seen crazy until you've
seen 200 women with anger issues

fighting over who's gonna
be the ass-end of a camel.

Are we working extra hours?

Washington won't cover
two-ply toilet paper,

they're not gonna start
shelling out overtime.

We'll get a body in
from down the hill.

What I need from you is,

not to get yourself in
trouble the way Mendez did.

Oh, I'm not gay, sir.

No, God, no,
I didn't mean that.

No. You are straight
as they come.

I mean, does a zebra
have stripes, am I right?

Exactly.

No, what I mean is, you can't
go easy on the inmates.

They will take
advantage of you.

I saw you yesterday,
look the other way

when the nun moved
a contraband muffin.

Oh, Sister Ingalls is harmless.

Sister Ingalls killed a man.

I thought she was
a political protester.

That's not the point.

The point is,
these women are criminals.

And even the cuddly-looking
ones, they have done some shit

that would terrify a kind-hearted
person such as yourself.

Fischer, you need to
get on your game.

You maintain your authority,

you remind them
who's in charge.

If you want,
I can help you out.

Be a mentor or something.

You think it would help
if I use a deeper voice?

"Move along, Sister."

It could, sure.

Also, it helps if you
don't use their names.

Just say, "inmate," like
they're all the same to you.

It reminds them
they're not really people.

They are people.

You can't think that way.
They are sheep.

We feed them, we herd them
from one room to the next.

They're not like you.

You're a woman.

And I'm a man.

All right. Got the
bread crumbs, right?

Come back for that.
Take that in.

What the fuck is this?

Oh, don't start with me.

We are done with
factory meat, babe.

There's no reason why
we can't responsibly

hunt all the animal
protein we need.

Yeah, I was hungry.

Is this some
kind of game to you?

I can't even put this in the compost
pile, it'll make the worms sick.

We're 100% on the same page
philosophically, babe,

but I think we really need to
calibrate the intensity factor.

Oh, you think I'm intense? Yeah.

Okay, guess what?
Without me,

all you're doing is
smoking pot in the forest

in a flannel shirt
and a hipster beard,

like a fat Bon Iver,

the fucking Jack
Johnson of Wisconsin.

Whoa! This is exactly
the kind of black-and-white

Holstein shit that
I'm talking about.

Oh, okay. You know
what the problem is?

We are just funda-fucking-mentally
different people,

at a DNA level!

What? Your father is a
financial systems analyst!

Okay, are you fully committed
to living an authentic life,

or are you just acting out some

Hank-Thoreau-at-Walden-Pond
fantasy shit

from seventh grade English?

Why does it matter?
I can't talk to you!

Well, that was awkward.

What, awkward how?

It's just tough to watch you
hit the rocks like that, man.

No. That was
foreplay, Bloomer.

Yeah, that's, that's
how we relate.

It seems a little aggressive.

Think about how baby Cal
grew up, all right?

Everyone pretended
everything was chill.

Dad fucked two different
women named Linda,

Mom lived on gin and cottage
cheese from '91 to about '98

and everyone knew and nobody
ever said anything about it.

But with Neri, we put
everything out there, man.

It's safe.

You know, we scream and throw
shit and it's like, electric,

you know what I'm saying?
It's erotic, no joke.

I mean, you get it.
You're a Jew.

All right,
I just got to say it, man.

You guys have known each other
what, nine weeks, tops?

Isn't the whole
thing a little fast?

Oh, okay.

Maybe it
doesn't look like what

everyone else thinks
it should look like,

but who cares?

We're crazy,
but we are in this.

They said the video
machine got unhooked.

There's this, uh,
Guatemalan grandma

who's been teaching herself
English watching Turner and Hooch

about six times a day. I'm
guessing someone got tired of it.

I came by yoga today.

Oh.

Well, I'm taking
a little break.

I thought yoga
was a little break.

It was.

Then I hit you.

You can only take so
much Zen, you know?

Sometimes you
wanna feel something.

You gotta talk
about it sometime.

I used to grow marijuana out in
California, Humboldt County.

One acre, nothing crazy.

Just enough to keep me going.

Goin', like, baked?

Like, pay the rent.

I mean, I smoked it
once in a while.

But mostly I was just a
good old-fashioned drunk,

like my parents
raised me to be.

So the Feds shut you down.

Actually, it was the deer.

The who, now?

Oh, yeah, deer love weed.

Fucks them right up, too.

They start jumping around
all over the place.

Then they come back for more.

And the kicker is,
you can't keep them out.

I tried everything.
Soap shavings, fox pee,

which they sell at the Home
Depot for $120 a gallon.

Seems like you could
have just built a fence.

No, a deer can jump an
eight-foot barb wire fence

with a smile on its face,
like Donald O'Connor.

Get to the meat already.

I got a hunting rifle
and stayed up all night,

four, five times a week.

And finally, one night

I see them rustling around
the edge of my property,

where I was growing
the quality shit,

this hybrid
plant called AK-47,

which the fake
prescription people

eat up like peanuts.
I was pissed.

And drunk?

Oh, honey, that goes
without saying.

So what happened?

I shot him.

And?

And it wasn't a deer.

It was an eight-year-old kid

from the farm next door who
was running away from home

because his dad
took away his Nintendo.

A kid.

Shit.

And they buried him on
their property, in a box.

Work hours means no socializing
whatsoever, inmates.

It was a mistake.

Oh, no.

We're having a moment here.

Shit. I'm sorry.
Carry on.

I don't even
know what Kwanzaa is.

I mean, except
that you're supposed

to wear dashikis and
eat corn and stuff.

Nobody
knows what it is, girl.

But they're taking
Fed money up in here,

so they gotta give all the
traditions equal time.

Hey, you know what?

I think I'm gonna be needin' a
traditional week off from work.

Hey! To honor my African
roots, you feel me?

Uh, huh. Joyous Kwanzaa,
my Nubian sister.

May the Kwanzaa
Elf smile upon ya!

And pull it through the loop.

And you got
a single crochet stitch.

Ah, ha, ha, ha!
Look at that!

Ninety-five thousand
more of those

and you'll have a lovely throw.

Hey, college,
I got words for you.

All right, I'm just gonna give
it to you straight, college,

I've been harboring some really
bad hate in my heart for you.

But I saved you. I got
you out of Psych.

You saved me from some
shit you got me into.

Don't be surprised
if there's not

a national holiday
declared in your name.

You got me
thrown into the SHU...

Who's talkin' right now?

Do you realize that
you almost ruined my life?

I mean, do you?

You made the Almighty God
into a joke,

and a joke ain't nothing to me.

A joke didn't write
me letters up in here,

and a joke didn't give me hope
so I could do my time

and make something out of it.

What do you believe in?

Well, I've always thought that
agnostic was sort of a cop-out.

But you know,
if I had to label it,

I'd say that I'm
a secular humanist.

Which is not to say
I'm not spiritual...

You're not religious, okay?
Just stop.

Stop.

You believe in Hussein Obama?

Electric cars and
Shakespeare books

and do you go out to
eat at restaurants?

I don't have any of that, okay?
All I have is him.

I'm sorry.

Don't ask for my forgiveness. You
should ask for His forgiveness.

You need to get right with him,

and then we'll see that all
this was part of His plan.

And then, we don't
have to fight anymore.

I wasn't planning on fighting with you.
Well, then, just do it.

Right now? Yeah, right
here, right now.

Got somewhere to be?

Dear Jesus...

That's awfully
familiar for somebody

that doesn't give
him the time of day.

Um...

Dear Mr. Christ?

Dear Mr. Christ,

I know that I've done
some things recently

that have not been, have
been up to your standards.

And I feel pretty ashamed.

It's really easy
to point fingers.

And I've done some things lately
I feel pretty lousy about.

And I'm wondering if maybe you could
make things right between us?

Meaning forgiveness?

If I could be forgiven,
that would be really...

Um...

That would be
really comforting.

Amen.

How was that?

I think you took a step
on the right road.

Okay.

Now we just gotta
get you baptized.

I would've looped in the Blessed
Virgin to cover my bases.

But that's me.

Let's try again.

Thanks for coming.

What do you want?

Wow, way to harsh on a dude
when he's down, bro, fuck!

You put your dick in Diaz!

It's not what it sounds like, man.
She wanted me to do it.

Hey, Benny, I think
we're in love.

You poor fucker.

Yep.

That's okay. I mean,
if we have to spend

a little bit of time apart,
I can handle that.

I gotta get her a message.

Will you take it?

I could get in
deep shit for that.

Plus, it's not good for you, man.
It's not healthy.

You need a girl who you
can actually be with.

I'm gonna help you out, Benny.

Perfect.

We've got a shipment
coming in tomorrow

from this vendor
called Neptune's Produce.

Stop the truck, get into
it before they unload it.

Look for a box with a
check mark on the side.

Look, I don't wanna be
involved in anything weird.

It's not weird, it's drugs.

Sputnik in the kitchen
is dealing to the inmates,

turning them into addicts.
It's wrong.

You get that box, bring it to
Caputo, he's gonna be grateful.

Butter him up, he'll probably give
you a raise right on the spot.

We could all use a little
extra cash, am I right?

I was gonna be the hero, but I'm
gonna give you my win, man.

It's your win now.

Why?

Satisfaction.

And this.

I'm not saying yes.

But you will, because
you're my brother.

Fuck.

You were right.

About Larry, you were right.

I think that I've lost him.
Can I?

So all of my cards
are on the table.

Everything.

I'm an emotionally
manipulative narcissist

who bailed on you
when your mother died.

And I'm a ruthless pragmatist who
sold you out and then lied about it.

We suck.

It's kind of a relief,
though, isn't it?

Oh, my God, Piper!
I'm getting whiplash here.

I'm not fucking with you.

I've ruined my life now,
twice, over you.

So, what's the end game here?

When we get out of
prison what's the plan?

Are we gonna move to Vermont and open
a pottery studio and wear Tevas?

That sounds
more like Santa Fe.

I'm being serious.
Are you gonna get a job?

Hmm...

Like a regular person?

I mean, I can't even imagine
what that would look like.

Me neither.

I'm good at moving
large amounts of heroin.

Like, really fucking
brilliant at it.

Other than that, I don't know.

One thing that I
do know is that

I am never, ever
coming back to prison.

Listen, I am not planning on going
back to doing illegal shit.

I'm not planning anything.

I don't know
what's gonna happen,

and that's the point
of being with me.

If you wanna have babies
and remodel your bathroom,

then, please go.
Do. Nest.

If you wanna do X on
a beach in Cambodia

with three strangers in drag...

I'm not saying it's gonna
happen, but it could.

I love Cambodia.

Me too.

Chapman, you blinked.
Vause wins.

Yo, you seen her yet?

Who?

Princess Stephanie of Monaco.
Your roommate.

Lorna drove her back up,
you haven't heard?

Her appeal went kaput. Better sleep
with both eyes open tonight.

Oh, shit.

Inmate, where's your badge?
Inmate, I'm talking to you.

That nail polish is non-regulation, too.
Where did you get that?

I said, where did you get that?

Take your hands
off her, Pelage.

You're headed to Max, inmate.

Doesn't matter.

Get up. Get up!

Come on, you.

What we lookin' at?

Taystee?

You ain't got to
be alone no more.

What is this?

This is me never having
to make mac and cheese

in the common room
microwave again.

It smells like
a salmon farted in it.

You don't know when Miss
Claudette is coming back.

You put your hand on a guard, you
go to Max, you don't come back.

Everybody know that.

We goin' to my bunk, where
Book of Eli never happened.

Hey!

Hey, I get the blanket.

Well, look at you, Miss Thing.

I was her roommate. I took her
shit and I listened to her snore.

The blanket is mine.

I've got three of them.

Kill, Little Boo, kill!

We're working on it.

Good girl.

You wanna talk about it?

Not really.

I have to give
you a titty-twister,

you'll be feelin'
that shit next week.

What they don't tell
you when you get out?

They gonna be up
your ass like the KGB.

Curfew every night, piss in
a cup whenever they say,

you gotta do three job interviews in
a week for jobs you never gonna get.

Probation officer callin'
every minute, checkin' up.

Man, at least in jail
you get dinner.

Ow, man!
What the fuck?

Man, where do you
think you at, Paris Hilton?

Yo, it's bitches in
here doing 15 years

for lettin' their boyfriends
do deals in the kitchen

'cause they was afraid of
getting beat if they said no.

And there's bitches ain't seen
their kids since they was babies,

and them kids got
they own babies now,

or they're runnin' around the
street carryin' guns and shit,

no one watching over 'em.

Yo, I been in here two years
and I got four more.

Eight months ago when
I was waxin' fuckin'

floors in the cafeteria,
my moms passed.

And I wasn't there to say
the shit you supposed to say

to your mom before she gone.

So I know you ain't tellin'
me in my face right now

that you walked
back in this place

'cause freedom was
inconvenient for you?

It ain't like that, P. Minimum
wage is some kinda joke.

I got part-time
workin' at Pizza Hut,

and I still owe the prison
$900 in fees I gotta pay back.

I ain't got no place to stay.

I was sleepin' on the floor in my
second cousin apartment like a dog,

and she still got six
people in two rooms.

One of the bitches stole my check.
I got lice.

Everyone I know is poor,
in jail, or gone.

Don't nobody ask
about how my day went.

Man, I got fucked up
in the head, you know?

I know how to play it here.

Where to be, and what
rules to follow.

I got a bed.

And I got you.

I really missed you.

I didn't mean to let you down.

So what did you do to land
yourself back in here?

Well, first, I got a can
of Rockstar and 100 paper clips.

I found it in the shed
behind Electrical.

If they see us with that, we
both go straight to the SHU.

So don't let them see us.

What kind of voltage are
we talking about here?

No idea. That's what
makes it exciting.

You don't wanna
do it, that's cool.

We just go back to our
regular, prison lives.

Work, sleep, count.

Shit. Oh, my God!
Wait, come on, Jones.

Oh, man! I didn't think it was like that.
Shit. I'm sorry.

No, it's cool.

I feel good.
I feel better.

You're serious?

I kind of needed that.

Here, you gonna go?

You ready to get dunked? I got
towels so don't worry about that.

Oh, God, the baptism thing.
You were serious.

What about me makes you think
I wouldn't be serious?

Good point. Uh...

I have visitation today.
It's Larry's day.

Or was. We haven't talked but I'm
really hoping he'll be there.

So just go after.
This takes a few minutes.

And that's not a lot of time to get
your ticket to the Kingdom of Heaven,

which is forever
and ever, amen.

Wow.

That was a sign. I think
he's back on my side.

How did you sleep, Tiffany?

Who's askin'?

I'm your lawyer.

You ain't my lawyer. My lawyer is
fat and his name is Wesley Weeks.

Wesley Weeks is a
C-minus public defender

who will plead you out without
even looking at your file.

I think you'll find that the Christian
firm of Turro, Payne and Whorton

will serve your
interests much better.

You're gonna get
me out of jail?

Well, if you shoot somebody in
broad daylight, with witnesses,

you're gonna do some
time, that's a fact.

But, I will see
that you do less time.

Couple of
procedural challenges,

plus we're gonna
argue that you did

what you did based on
the moral conviction

that you were saving lives.

Defenseless, innocent lives.
I didn't...

I can't afford a fancy lawyer.

My fees have
already been settled.

And there's a small monthly
stipend going to your family,

to help them while their
daughter serves her time.

How's this being paid for?

By the grace of God.

And also, all your friends.

Good God!

Order in the court. I want
order in this courtroom!

All of you, sit down!

Look, I understand that
this is important to you,

but I don't think...
College?

Don't let me down.

Okay, fine.
Fine, I have 10 minutes.

Perfect.

Running...

I really fucking
needed this, Bennett.

Just doing my job, sir.

This is the kind of
thing I remember when

it's time to move
somebody up the ladder.

That kitchen Commie cunt
is finally going down.

Oh, man!

Beautiful!

I have a whole life
in front of me.

I don't want to spend it
watching "Storage Wars"

She's bored. You should
take her out more.

Well, maybe I would take her out more
if she didn't flirt with other men.

Have you been
acting like a slut?

I have a body!

I can't help it if people look.

She says it's not her fault
if other people look at her.

Maybe you're too jealous.

All I want is a nice quiet
life, is that so much to ask?

He wants peace and quiet.

He's got a
government job, dummy.

It could be much worse.

His toenails scratch me in bed.

Okay, you have to
get a pedicure.

The long toenails are a problem.

Caputo wants to see you.

I'm busy. I'd go
now if I were you.

That little bitch Mendez.

Couldn't go down like a man.

I'm confused here.

If it goes bad,
take care of my girls.

Bennett, explain
this immediately.

Bennett!

I need to talk about
grocery money.

Behold!

I bring the lost
sheep back to the 99.

All right, as you know, we don't
have a river to dunk you in,

but we cleaned
out the muck sink.

And yeah, you might just
wanna take off your shirt.

Okay! Nope, see,
I can't do this.

I'm sorry.

I really want us to get
along, I do, but I can't

pretend to believe
in something I don't.

And I don't.

Chapman, we've all
had our doubts.

No, see, this isn't doubts.

I believe in science,
I believe in evolution.

I believe in Nate Silver

and Neil deGrasse Tyson
and Christopher Hitchens,

although I do admit, he could
be kind of an asshole.

I cannot get behind
some supreme being

who weighs in on
the Tony Awards

while a million people
get wacked with machetes.

I don't believe a billion
Indians are going to hell,

I don't think we get cancer
to learn life lessons,

and I don't believe
that people die young

because God
needs another angel.

I think it's just bullshit, and on
some level, I think we all know that.

I mean, don't you?

The angel thing does
seem kind of desperate.

I thought you was a Christian.

I am, but I got some questions.

Look, I understand
that religion makes it easier

to deal with all of the random
shitty things that happen to us.

And I wish I could get on that
ride, I'm sure I would be happier.

But I can't.

Feelings aren't enough.
I need it to be real.

I gotta go.

I tried to be your friend.

I hope he makes you very happy.

Excuse me.

Hello?

I'm looking for
Natalie Figueroa.

You found her.

Ms. Figueroa,
this is Andrew Nance

calling from The City Post,
online edition.

I recently caught a public radio
interview with Larry Bloom.

He's engaged to a Litchfield
inmate named Piper Chapman?

I'm sorry, I've never
heard of this person.

Oh. Well in his interview,

Mr. Bloom mentioned some cutbacks
at Litchfield this year.

The closing of the track, for instance,
the GED program shutting down,

medications switched to generics,
those kinds of things.

All of which seem to have been
attributed to budgetary considerations?

Well, we do the best
with what we've got,

but there's always a bottom
line to consider, obviously.

I understand that, obviously.

But, I did some digging into the
budget allocation for New York

and as it turns out, Litchfield
actually got an increase

over the last five
years of $2.3 million.

So, what I'm wondering is,
where did all that money go?

I'll have to look into that.

As I understand it,
you're in charge

of day-to-day
operations at the prison...

I said I'd look into it.

I'm really glad
that you're here.

Listen, neither of us understood
how crazy this was gonna be.

We thought, "Sure,
we'll get married after."

Like, we were just gonna
pick up where we left off.

But, Piper, this, this is
changing you, it's changing me.

You didn't ask for any of this.

No. But we're here.

It's messy and weird

and we're gonna do stupid and
lonely and embarrassing shit.

And either we
can do it together,

get married, now,
in this room, possibly,

as soon as we can
file the paperwork,

and do it as
husband and wife or...

Or we have to break up.

Because this thing that we're
doing now, this in-between?

I can't.

So,

what do you say?

You know what I got to do.

Hmm? Hmm?

She disrespected me.

Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.

Now,

I'm gonna have to kill her.