Only Fools and Horses.... (1981–2003): Season 4, Episode 7 - As One Door Closes - full transcript
The trouble starts when Del agrees to provide painter and decorator Brendan O'Shaughnessy with enough louvre doors to refit an entire housing estate in Nunhead. Del's supplier, Teddy Cummings, only stocks and supplies in bulk, so ...
- Well?
- 1,992!
That's what it come to last time!
Yeah, I now and that's what it'll come to this time
and the time after than an' all.
Two grand! Where are we gonna
get two grand from?
Look, try it again Rodney.
And this time see if you can get it lower!
Well how can I get lower? Look
12 times 166 equals 1,992!
Use this calculator!
It's still gonna work out the
same Del!
I could do it on this calculator, that
calculator. I could do it on me fingers and toes.
I could do it on beads, it's still
gonna come to 1,992, ain't it?
Right bloody help you turned
out to be Rodney!
Keep the noise down will yer,
I can hardly hear this!
Shut up you saucy old git!
Well, even if you could hear it,
you couldn't understand it, could you, it's in Indian!
In 1959 I was in Bombay!
You carry on much longer by
tomorrow afternoon you could be in traction!
But I like this kind of music!
Oh yeah, look at that Rodney,
it's one of his favourites that is.
That's that good old-fashioned sing-along number,
Knees Up Mother Patel.
Listen,we're over there trying to devise
a scheme that is gonna make us into millionaires,
and all you can do is sit here and
watch bleedin' Indian banjos!
Why don't you just stick a George Harrison LP
on yer Walkman or something?
You two are gonna be millionaires!
And the Titanic was unsinkable!
Oi, you, there's a fortune to
be made out of this deal!
- Yeah? What is this deal then?
- Lowvery doors!
So what about 'em?
Well what about 'em? I'll tell
you what about 'em!
There's a certain painter and decorator
what gets down the Nag's Head,
- and his name is Brendan O'Shaunessy.
- He's Irish!
Yeah! That is correct, Rodney.
Now this Brendan O'Shaunessy has just got a contract to
decorate and fit out a new housing estate over at Nunhead.
And what has the architect deemed shall be fitted to all
wardrobes? None other than lowvery doors!
166 to be precise!
Well, you've got one of them,
that's a start innit?
Ooh, he can be a sarky old
bark when he wants to be can't he, eh?
That's just a sample, innit?
You see Del's mate, Teddy Cummings, right,
he manages a joinery works and he can let us
have hundreds of them doors dirt cheap!
And there's 200
per cent profit on each one!
That's right. It's like printing money!
And the cherry on the cake is that this building
firm is putting up houses all over the shop,
so it's a sort of long-term, on-going situation!
So where's the problem?
Well, Teddy Cummings will only
sell them doors in bulk!
Yeah, if we don't get two
grand by tomorrow afternoon the deal's off!
Well can't you borrow the money?
We've tried all that ain't we!
We've been everywhere!
The bank that likes to say yes
said on yer bike!
The sign of the Black Horse
gave us a load of old pony, didn't they?
Even the listening bank cocked
a deaf 'un!
- Del...you'll most probably think this is stupid!
- What is?
Well, it's a long shot I'm
here to tell you. It's a real long shot!
Oh I know, I like long shots. You know me Rodney,
he who dares wins! What is it?
I was reading this colour supplement yesterday.
There was an article in it
that really caught my interest!
- Yeah, yeah?
- It was about a butterfly.
- A butterfly?
- Yeah! Not an ordinary butterfly though!
No, this one's a bit of a rarity.
It's virtually unheard of in this country!
Oh well, that's interesting innit?
I think it's name was, eh, the
Jamaican swallow tail.
Well it don't mean a lot to me
Rodney, that, no.
No well here it is. Look it's
scientifical name is Papillo humerus!
Oh, now, that does ring a bell!
I don't believe what he is doing to me!
Here I am on the verge of losing
the biggest deal of my life
and this plonker here wants to give me
a lecture about poxy butterflies!!
No, you don't understand do
you? It's an endangered species.
Yeah, I know, you'll be an endangered species
if you carry on much longer Rodney!
Look some of these things have
been seen in southern England!
One of them was spotted in
Greenwich Park!
You wanna whip him down the
quack's a bit lively, the boy's flipped his lid!
Listen mouthy, there's this private interminal...
Well there's this private
butterfly collector right
and he's willing to pay a 3,000 pound
reward for one of these butterflies.
Three thousand pounds?
Yeah and Greenwich Park is
only up the road, innit?
You mean, you want us to go
around chasing butterflies?
You know what? I think you're right Rodney!
Yeah! It is stupid!
Well I said it was a long shot, didn't I!
Gordon Bennett! I can just see us three now
running up and down Peckham High Road.
We'll be trying to catch Mars Bar wrappers!
Hey come on, look at the time.
Hey, come on, get this stuff out of here.
We're gonna go and see if we can do a bit.
Ask yourselves this, ask yourselves this, how much do you
spend on hairdressing, eh?
Now it's gotta be six or seven quid
a hit these days innit?
You work that out over a year and
it comes to a national debt!
Right but, for just one pound fifty you could invest
in one of these super de-luxe trimming combs!
I mean, you can save yourself a fortune in
the comfort of yer own front room!
Could you just - just come round a bit closer, come
closer 'cos at these prices I can't afford to deliver!
- Hey is that sharp enough, mate?
- Is it sharp? Is it - sharp?
Is that sharp enough for you?
Invest one pound fifty and you
can save yourselves thousands!
This is a better bet than
Piggott on a favourite!
Now listen to me - listen.
These come recommended you know by
the world's leading hair stylists.
Vidal Sassoon, Teezy Weezy, Mick the barber, Mick
the Miller - Mickey Mouse, Sweeney Todd.
Why do I bother?
It's been one of them days innit?
Never mind Rodney, pack up the suitcase,
we'll go down the Nag's Head for a couple of swift 'alfs...
2,000 pounds by tomorrow!
I've got as much chance of winning Miss World!
- Oi, Denzil!
So how's your luck?
Don't ask! Don't ask. If they made it into a film
it'd be a bigger tear-jerker than Love Story!
Bad as that, eh?
Yeah. I'd go into the details
- only I don't want to see grown men cry!
Listen, you want to hear a sob
story I will tell you a sob story!
I have just found out
that my wife has been lying to me!
Yeah! Every morning she says she's gonna leave me,
and when I come home at night she's still there!
Like it. Look at him, look. Soppy look.
I can't stop, I've gotta get
down to the Job Centre.
Yeah alright. Down the Job Centre eh?
You've got yourself into a growth industry at last!
Yeah, well, the wages are
lousy, but the hours suit me fine!
- See you then Den.
- See you around.
See you Denzil. Give my love to Corinne.
The miserable old cow! Oh well,
come on, let's go.
I heard it took three coppers
to arrest Denzil the other night!
That's right. One to put the
handcuffs on and two to carry the radio!
You've heard it then.
We've all heard ain't we?
Come on. Let's go.
Hey hold up!
- What did Denzil get the sack for?
- Oh he didn't, he was made redundant.
Hold on, if he was made redundant,
that means he's got redundancy money?
Yeah, I suppose so!
- You're not having any!
- I'm your friend. Denzil.
You're still not having any!!!
I'm gonna make you rich, Denzil.
Put me down...I'm a policeman...
- Please don't make me rich!
- Denzil, don't be a plonker all your life!!
I'm gonna live forever...
Alright Uncle? Had a good day?
I've been busy doing the housework Del.
I've made all the beds except yours and Rodney's.
Oh that's alright. Well sit yourself down.
Go on, you don't want to knock
your old pipe out do you, eh?
- No that's my trouble. I never know when to stop!
- Yes this is true. This is very true.
You're in a better mood than
you were this morning!
Yeah well I've every reason to be, haven't I!
I've clinched the lowvery door deal!
Never!
Yeah it's true! I've picked them up, paid for them, and
Rodney at this moment is stacking 'em in the garage!
All I've gotta do now is phone Brendan, and he'll come round
and pick them up and we shall be rich!
Where d'you get the money to
pay for 'em?
Well d'you remember my pal Denzil ?
called in here a couple of weeks ago.
Oh yeah. He was black?
Yeah - well, he still is! Anyway did you hear that
he had 2,000 pounds redundancy money?
Well he ain't now!
Oh come off it Del. You didn't
take the fella's redundancy money!
Well yeah. I mean, he insisted!
I have never seen anything like
it. He did Denzil up like a kipper!
Yeah, well look, tell him when he comes in
that I've got all the lowvery doors
and they're in the garage and he can come
and pick 'em up any time he wants.
He chased him he did! A mile
and 'alf through Deptford!
Denzil was 300 yards from his
front door. And he put in a kick!
I tell you, Seb Coe ain't even in the picture when
he's got a smell of money in his nostrils!
Okay then Bridie, don't you
forget to tell him now will yer?
He forced lager down his throat
then he frog-marched him to the bank!
Do you know Denzil was crying when he
handed that money over!
Listen to me, dopey. Listen, now right, Denzil give me
2,000 pounds today, I give him 3,000 pounds tomorrow!
Now that means he gets a 1000 pounds profit in 24 hours.
Now he ain't gonna get that at the Bradford and Bingley is he?
Denzil knows it makes sense!
What about his missus, she' a
bit of a dragon ain't she?
Well let's just say I wouldn't like to be
in Denzil's shoes when Corinne finds out!
No she'll be alright. She'll be as sweet as a nut!
Denzil bought her a little present.
Oh yeah, a do-it-yourself hair cutting kit!
No, she's gonna treasure that,
you mark my words.
Now listen gentlemen, listen to me,
because this evening I am taking you
down the Nag's Head public house,
where we're gonna hold one of them things that
Rodney couldn't organise in a brewery!
After that - after that, we're gonna go to the
Star of Bengal for a Ruby!
So get that down your neck,
Rodney. Cheers.
- My hair's falling out!
- What?
My hair's falling out in great
chunks! I'm going bald!
- Derek, I am 24 years old and I'm going bald!
- That's supposed to be a sign of something.
Yeah, it's a sign that I'm going bald!
Listen you tart. Come here.
Let me have a look at it! Come on, let me see.
Well, what d'you reckon?
Well, let me put it this way Rodney,
if your head was a tyre you'd fail the MOT!
Bloody hell I'm going bald!
No, it might not be that Rodney.
You might have a touch of alopecia!
I never thought of that Unc!
And there's me fretting, eh?
- My head's gonna look like a bloody egg!
- Get yourself a wig son!
Oh yeah, I'm gonna look really cool ain't I,
tryin' to pull a bird with a Davy Crockett hat on me head!
I'll answer that. It could be the
phone. Hello? Brendan. How are you pal?
I see you got the message then? Eh? What d'you
mean you've been tryin' to phone me all day? Eh?
Well what's wrong? Why don't you
talk to him? You know. Go and persuade him.
Del, what's up?
It's the architect, he's changed his mind!
He wants Victorian panel doors now!
Brendan, listen, listen, listen Brendan, you know, go -
you know, give him a few quid, eh? Bung him, eh. Eh?
Well...beat him up then! Well I'll
come down and beat him up for you if you like!
No Brendan, look I've got 166 lowvery
doors in my garage!
All my capital is tied up in 'em!
I know we didn't sign a contract
but what am I supposed to do with 'em? And yours.
I'll get you for this, Brendan,
you see if I don't!
Damn! There they go. Look at all that, I knew
everything was going too smoothly, all that money!
Can't you take 'em back to the
warehouse and swop 'em for paneled doors
Take 'em back to the warehouse!
Yeah, why don't we just take
'em back and swop 'em?
We can't take 'em back can we, eh?
We were lucky to get 'em out without being caught!
They were hooky? Oh great Derek! Cosmic!
They were hooky lowvery doors were they!
Well you didn't mention that small
fact to me, did you?
Weren't you just a teeny weeny bit suspicious
the way we collected them doors?
Instead of driving them in a warehouse
and sort of loading 'em up
Johnny Cummings was chuckin em out the first floor
window, weren't he, eh?
- Del?
- What?
- You know that Denzil fella?
- Yeah.
- Has he got any brothers?
- Yeah, five, why?
Nothing. It's just that five
West Indian blokes just got out of a Rover!
It's them! That is them, it's
Denzil's brothers!!
- Look at the size of them!!
- What are you gonna do Del?
Oh well, we'll just stay here.
We'll stay here.
And if they wanna cut up rough we'll
exchange punches you know like man to man.
You're not including me in that are you?
Fight 'em! Derek, look at the size of 'em!
They'll look even bigger when
they get up here Rodney!
Yeah, well, I'll tell you
what. Don't worry. Don't worry.
Listen I'm gonna explain.
What we're gonna do - what we're - I'll tell you.
We can run for it. Come on
let's get out of here. Quick!
- What's he brought us here for?
- Gawd knows!
I don't like these places,
they make me feel queasy!
What's up with you two?
Oh it's nothing, it's just
Albert, he don't feel too well!
How bad is he? I mean, is it
worth our while taking him home?
Oh, I ain't that bad Del!
Oh good. Well you just sit
back and enjoy yourself then!
Enjoy ourselves Del, we are 2,000 pounds in debt,
we have a garage load of hooky doors and
a mob or irate Rastafarians after our blood!
So what are we doing hanging
round Mum's monument?
Because I always come here in
times of trouble Rodney.
I just come here, stand here
and tell Mum my problems and, somehow,
she always seems to provide an answer.
She's never let me down yet!
I mean, you take that time when
you were done for possession of cannabis.
I just came here an' I told Mum that her
little baby was in trouble with the law!
And it was almost as if I could hear her
voice saying to me 'Bribe the Old Bill, Del!'
And what happened? When the case came
to court the police could provide no evidence!
You told me you got a 250 quid
fine and a suspended sentence!
Yes, because three days before
the trial this plonker pleaded guilty by post!
Mom wasn't to know that, was she?
Don't worry, she'll come up with a solution
to our financial pligh.
Come on, sit yourself down, just relax Rodders.
Look around Rodney, just think,
one day all us Trotters'll be here.
- Well I don't know about you!
- That's alright Del, I'm with the Co-op!
Yeah, back in the sixties I bought us all plots you know.
I thought land's a good investment annit?
Oh, can't go wrong Del can yer!
See, I'll be over there, next to Mum, and Grandad,
well he's over there in the Gardens of External Peace.
Where will I be?
Oh yeah, you are, oh look, see look,
see right over there. Right over the back there.
Can you see the big pile of stinging nettles?
There.
Under the stinging nettles?
I ain't gonna be buried under a pile
of stinging nettles!
Well it ain't gonna bother you is it Rodney,
'cos you're gonna be brown bread!
What happens when his family
come to pay their respects?
He won't have no family, will he? 'Cos I'll be there next
to Mum and you'll be picking up yer divvies!
He could be married by then!
How's his widow gonna tend
his grave when it's covered in stinging nettles?
She'll have to buy herself a decent pair
of gardening gloves won't she!
Come to think of it, I've got a beautiful pair
of gardening gloves in the garage!
They retail at 4.75 normally,
they could be yours for a nicker!
I don't want any gardening gloves!
Oh that's charming, isn't it, eh?
Never a thought for the poor old missies!
There she'll be with swellings and blotches all
over her hands, the poor little mare!
I don't believe this conversation is taking place!
In 35 seconds you two have married me,
buried me and given my widow skin trouble!
Well, you've gotta look to the
future ain't yer Rodney?
Not if I can help it Uncle!
I often look into the future.
I find it very reassuring to know that
whatever happens down here, in this mortal curl,
one day we'll all be together up there in Heaven,
for ever and ever, amen!
Do you believe in all that
Heaven and what 'ave yer?
Oh yeah, it's true, I read it
in a book!
Just think Rodney.
When you walk through them Pearly Gates,
all like clouds and things - the first
face you'll see will be mine.
- Yeah, that's cosmic Del!
- Your Mum'll be there as well!
Oh yes, Mum'll be there 'cos she'll be wanting to see
Rodney, her little wonder baby!
She used to always call him that you know 'cos she
used to wonder how the hell he happened.
I suppose your Dad might be up
there as well, eh?
Oh I do hope so. I do hope so Uncle,
can't wait to get my hands on that old git!
I'll give him such a whack with my harp
he won't know if it's Good Friday or Bonfire Night!
Del, will you stop rabbiting
for one minute and come over here.
- Oh Gordon Bennett, what's the matter with you now?
- Look over there!
- Where?
- Just by them flowers.
It's like that butterfly thing
from Rodney's magazine.
That's because it is that
butterfly thing from my magazine!
Oh leave it out you wally! What that thing
over there's worth 3,000 pounds? Never...
It is, it is that 'an all.
If we could, if we could capture that all
our problems'll be over!
I told you two didn't I? Didn't I tell you two
that Mum'd come up trumps.
Yeah, let's get it!
No look, be careful, take yer time. Take yer time!
We've gotta do this
the way the professionals would do it.
What d'you mean? We've gotta jump over things
and skid around in the van?
I don't mean Bodie and bleedin'
Doyle you stupid old git...
I mean professional butterfly
catchers! Albert.
- Yes Del?
- Giss yer hat!
- Derek!
- What?
- Have some respect!
- Oh sorry...
It's gone! Quick Rodney.
Get after it. Go on quick.
Careful Del! Take it,
nice and easy.
Yes, yes, thank you Rodney!
'Cos you could slip and kill
yourself easy as anything!
I know, I know!
Now!!
- Come on Del, he's getting away!
The things I do for money!
- Where is it?
- He's out there on that lily pad!
We can't leave
him out there can we?
Well what d'you wanna do then,
phone the coastguard?
Look, a bloody great pike
could come up and have him for supper.
No, one of us has got to go in and get him.
Go on Rodney, I'll hold your shoes!
Eh? I'm not going in there!!
This is no time for second thoughts!
That is not a butterfly out there,
that is Denzil's money!
- So how come I have to go and get it?
- 'Cos I'm not a very good swimmer!
Nor am I!
I know but you're taller than me, ain't yer,
It'll take you longer to drown! It's only shallow.
- How shallow?
- Well I don't know do I! Get in and see!
What's Rodney doing?
I dunno - backstroke I think.
Our three grand's out there on that lily pad.
I begged him, I begged him not to go in!
Pity you weren't here,
this is right up your street isn't it?
- I can't swim Del!
- You used to be a sailor!
Don't mean a thing!! Nelson couldn't swim!
Course he couldn't, he'd only got one bloody arm!
He'd be going round in circles wouldn't he?
There you are Rodney, it's not
as bad as you thought is it?
You pushed me!
I did not, I did not push you,
I just gave you a little bit of encouragement!
- Anyway come on Rodders you're in now!
- Yeah, and I'm getting out 'an all.
Just a minute, just a minute.
Not ten yards, not ten yards from you, right,
is one of the rarest, most beautifulest
of God's little tiny creatures!
And them wallies in that magazine of yours are
gonna give us three grand for it.
I don't care Del, I'm still
getting out!
Listen, we give Denzil his two grand back
and we've got a grand for ourselves!
I thought you said you'd give
Denzil three grand!
That's funny that,
'cos Denzil thought I said that 'an all.
Rodders, everyone's a winner! What d'you say?
- Nice and gently Rodney.
- Shuddup!
Easy now, don't splash, go slowly, don't disturb it.
Shush, mind how you go...
- Good boy, come on.
- I bet I'll get a cold next week now!
- Shut up you tart!
- This water'll make my hair go frizzy!
Don't worry, the alopecia'll
soon cure that.
Just remember, if you get into difficulties, save
the butterfly right?
Stuff the butterfly!
There's only a few of them things
left in the world, there's millions of you!
Nice 'n' easy Rodney, almost there!
- Careful, careful, got it, got it.
- Is he alright Del?
Yeah he's alright. A bit wet, but he'll survive.
The old sun'll soon dry you out won't it?
And then we'll take you down to the nice man
who's gonna give your Uncle Delly Welly three lovely grand!
Denzil I've got your money.
Great man! I'll see you down
the pub later!
- What's that mess in your hands?
- That used to be a butterfly Rodney!
The butt...But...You didn't...
Not when Denzil.
Well what a plonker!
So what do we do now?
Ladies and gentlemen, how would you like
to be the proud owners of a set of lowvery doors?
Subtitles by NVL
- 1,992!
That's what it come to last time!
Yeah, I now and that's what it'll come to this time
and the time after than an' all.
Two grand! Where are we gonna
get two grand from?
Look, try it again Rodney.
And this time see if you can get it lower!
Well how can I get lower? Look
12 times 166 equals 1,992!
Use this calculator!
It's still gonna work out the
same Del!
I could do it on this calculator, that
calculator. I could do it on me fingers and toes.
I could do it on beads, it's still
gonna come to 1,992, ain't it?
Right bloody help you turned
out to be Rodney!
Keep the noise down will yer,
I can hardly hear this!
Shut up you saucy old git!
Well, even if you could hear it,
you couldn't understand it, could you, it's in Indian!
In 1959 I was in Bombay!
You carry on much longer by
tomorrow afternoon you could be in traction!
But I like this kind of music!
Oh yeah, look at that Rodney,
it's one of his favourites that is.
That's that good old-fashioned sing-along number,
Knees Up Mother Patel.
Listen,we're over there trying to devise
a scheme that is gonna make us into millionaires,
and all you can do is sit here and
watch bleedin' Indian banjos!
Why don't you just stick a George Harrison LP
on yer Walkman or something?
You two are gonna be millionaires!
And the Titanic was unsinkable!
Oi, you, there's a fortune to
be made out of this deal!
- Yeah? What is this deal then?
- Lowvery doors!
So what about 'em?
Well what about 'em? I'll tell
you what about 'em!
There's a certain painter and decorator
what gets down the Nag's Head,
- and his name is Brendan O'Shaunessy.
- He's Irish!
Yeah! That is correct, Rodney.
Now this Brendan O'Shaunessy has just got a contract to
decorate and fit out a new housing estate over at Nunhead.
And what has the architect deemed shall be fitted to all
wardrobes? None other than lowvery doors!
166 to be precise!
Well, you've got one of them,
that's a start innit?
Ooh, he can be a sarky old
bark when he wants to be can't he, eh?
That's just a sample, innit?
You see Del's mate, Teddy Cummings, right,
he manages a joinery works and he can let us
have hundreds of them doors dirt cheap!
And there's 200
per cent profit on each one!
That's right. It's like printing money!
And the cherry on the cake is that this building
firm is putting up houses all over the shop,
so it's a sort of long-term, on-going situation!
So where's the problem?
Well, Teddy Cummings will only
sell them doors in bulk!
Yeah, if we don't get two
grand by tomorrow afternoon the deal's off!
Well can't you borrow the money?
We've tried all that ain't we!
We've been everywhere!
The bank that likes to say yes
said on yer bike!
The sign of the Black Horse
gave us a load of old pony, didn't they?
Even the listening bank cocked
a deaf 'un!
- Del...you'll most probably think this is stupid!
- What is?
Well, it's a long shot I'm
here to tell you. It's a real long shot!
Oh I know, I like long shots. You know me Rodney,
he who dares wins! What is it?
I was reading this colour supplement yesterday.
There was an article in it
that really caught my interest!
- Yeah, yeah?
- It was about a butterfly.
- A butterfly?
- Yeah! Not an ordinary butterfly though!
No, this one's a bit of a rarity.
It's virtually unheard of in this country!
Oh well, that's interesting innit?
I think it's name was, eh, the
Jamaican swallow tail.
Well it don't mean a lot to me
Rodney, that, no.
No well here it is. Look it's
scientifical name is Papillo humerus!
Oh, now, that does ring a bell!
I don't believe what he is doing to me!
Here I am on the verge of losing
the biggest deal of my life
and this plonker here wants to give me
a lecture about poxy butterflies!!
No, you don't understand do
you? It's an endangered species.
Yeah, I know, you'll be an endangered species
if you carry on much longer Rodney!
Look some of these things have
been seen in southern England!
One of them was spotted in
Greenwich Park!
You wanna whip him down the
quack's a bit lively, the boy's flipped his lid!
Listen mouthy, there's this private interminal...
Well there's this private
butterfly collector right
and he's willing to pay a 3,000 pound
reward for one of these butterflies.
Three thousand pounds?
Yeah and Greenwich Park is
only up the road, innit?
You mean, you want us to go
around chasing butterflies?
You know what? I think you're right Rodney!
Yeah! It is stupid!
Well I said it was a long shot, didn't I!
Gordon Bennett! I can just see us three now
running up and down Peckham High Road.
We'll be trying to catch Mars Bar wrappers!
Hey come on, look at the time.
Hey, come on, get this stuff out of here.
We're gonna go and see if we can do a bit.
Ask yourselves this, ask yourselves this, how much do you
spend on hairdressing, eh?
Now it's gotta be six or seven quid
a hit these days innit?
You work that out over a year and
it comes to a national debt!
Right but, for just one pound fifty you could invest
in one of these super de-luxe trimming combs!
I mean, you can save yourself a fortune in
the comfort of yer own front room!
Could you just - just come round a bit closer, come
closer 'cos at these prices I can't afford to deliver!
- Hey is that sharp enough, mate?
- Is it sharp? Is it - sharp?
Is that sharp enough for you?
Invest one pound fifty and you
can save yourselves thousands!
This is a better bet than
Piggott on a favourite!
Now listen to me - listen.
These come recommended you know by
the world's leading hair stylists.
Vidal Sassoon, Teezy Weezy, Mick the barber, Mick
the Miller - Mickey Mouse, Sweeney Todd.
Why do I bother?
It's been one of them days innit?
Never mind Rodney, pack up the suitcase,
we'll go down the Nag's Head for a couple of swift 'alfs...
2,000 pounds by tomorrow!
I've got as much chance of winning Miss World!
- Oi, Denzil!
So how's your luck?
Don't ask! Don't ask. If they made it into a film
it'd be a bigger tear-jerker than Love Story!
Bad as that, eh?
Yeah. I'd go into the details
- only I don't want to see grown men cry!
Listen, you want to hear a sob
story I will tell you a sob story!
I have just found out
that my wife has been lying to me!
Yeah! Every morning she says she's gonna leave me,
and when I come home at night she's still there!
Like it. Look at him, look. Soppy look.
I can't stop, I've gotta get
down to the Job Centre.
Yeah alright. Down the Job Centre eh?
You've got yourself into a growth industry at last!
Yeah, well, the wages are
lousy, but the hours suit me fine!
- See you then Den.
- See you around.
See you Denzil. Give my love to Corinne.
The miserable old cow! Oh well,
come on, let's go.
I heard it took three coppers
to arrest Denzil the other night!
That's right. One to put the
handcuffs on and two to carry the radio!
You've heard it then.
We've all heard ain't we?
Come on. Let's go.
Hey hold up!
- What did Denzil get the sack for?
- Oh he didn't, he was made redundant.
Hold on, if he was made redundant,
that means he's got redundancy money?
Yeah, I suppose so!
- You're not having any!
- I'm your friend. Denzil.
You're still not having any!!!
I'm gonna make you rich, Denzil.
Put me down...I'm a policeman...
- Please don't make me rich!
- Denzil, don't be a plonker all your life!!
I'm gonna live forever...
Alright Uncle? Had a good day?
I've been busy doing the housework Del.
I've made all the beds except yours and Rodney's.
Oh that's alright. Well sit yourself down.
Go on, you don't want to knock
your old pipe out do you, eh?
- No that's my trouble. I never know when to stop!
- Yes this is true. This is very true.
You're in a better mood than
you were this morning!
Yeah well I've every reason to be, haven't I!
I've clinched the lowvery door deal!
Never!
Yeah it's true! I've picked them up, paid for them, and
Rodney at this moment is stacking 'em in the garage!
All I've gotta do now is phone Brendan, and he'll come round
and pick them up and we shall be rich!
Where d'you get the money to
pay for 'em?
Well d'you remember my pal Denzil ?
called in here a couple of weeks ago.
Oh yeah. He was black?
Yeah - well, he still is! Anyway did you hear that
he had 2,000 pounds redundancy money?
Well he ain't now!
Oh come off it Del. You didn't
take the fella's redundancy money!
Well yeah. I mean, he insisted!
I have never seen anything like
it. He did Denzil up like a kipper!
Yeah, well look, tell him when he comes in
that I've got all the lowvery doors
and they're in the garage and he can come
and pick 'em up any time he wants.
He chased him he did! A mile
and 'alf through Deptford!
Denzil was 300 yards from his
front door. And he put in a kick!
I tell you, Seb Coe ain't even in the picture when
he's got a smell of money in his nostrils!
Okay then Bridie, don't you
forget to tell him now will yer?
He forced lager down his throat
then he frog-marched him to the bank!
Do you know Denzil was crying when he
handed that money over!
Listen to me, dopey. Listen, now right, Denzil give me
2,000 pounds today, I give him 3,000 pounds tomorrow!
Now that means he gets a 1000 pounds profit in 24 hours.
Now he ain't gonna get that at the Bradford and Bingley is he?
Denzil knows it makes sense!
What about his missus, she' a
bit of a dragon ain't she?
Well let's just say I wouldn't like to be
in Denzil's shoes when Corinne finds out!
No she'll be alright. She'll be as sweet as a nut!
Denzil bought her a little present.
Oh yeah, a do-it-yourself hair cutting kit!
No, she's gonna treasure that,
you mark my words.
Now listen gentlemen, listen to me,
because this evening I am taking you
down the Nag's Head public house,
where we're gonna hold one of them things that
Rodney couldn't organise in a brewery!
After that - after that, we're gonna go to the
Star of Bengal for a Ruby!
So get that down your neck,
Rodney. Cheers.
- My hair's falling out!
- What?
My hair's falling out in great
chunks! I'm going bald!
- Derek, I am 24 years old and I'm going bald!
- That's supposed to be a sign of something.
Yeah, it's a sign that I'm going bald!
Listen you tart. Come here.
Let me have a look at it! Come on, let me see.
Well, what d'you reckon?
Well, let me put it this way Rodney,
if your head was a tyre you'd fail the MOT!
Bloody hell I'm going bald!
No, it might not be that Rodney.
You might have a touch of alopecia!
I never thought of that Unc!
And there's me fretting, eh?
- My head's gonna look like a bloody egg!
- Get yourself a wig son!
Oh yeah, I'm gonna look really cool ain't I,
tryin' to pull a bird with a Davy Crockett hat on me head!
I'll answer that. It could be the
phone. Hello? Brendan. How are you pal?
I see you got the message then? Eh? What d'you
mean you've been tryin' to phone me all day? Eh?
Well what's wrong? Why don't you
talk to him? You know. Go and persuade him.
Del, what's up?
It's the architect, he's changed his mind!
He wants Victorian panel doors now!
Brendan, listen, listen, listen Brendan, you know, go -
you know, give him a few quid, eh? Bung him, eh. Eh?
Well...beat him up then! Well I'll
come down and beat him up for you if you like!
No Brendan, look I've got 166 lowvery
doors in my garage!
All my capital is tied up in 'em!
I know we didn't sign a contract
but what am I supposed to do with 'em? And yours.
I'll get you for this, Brendan,
you see if I don't!
Damn! There they go. Look at all that, I knew
everything was going too smoothly, all that money!
Can't you take 'em back to the
warehouse and swop 'em for paneled doors
Take 'em back to the warehouse!
Yeah, why don't we just take
'em back and swop 'em?
We can't take 'em back can we, eh?
We were lucky to get 'em out without being caught!
They were hooky? Oh great Derek! Cosmic!
They were hooky lowvery doors were they!
Well you didn't mention that small
fact to me, did you?
Weren't you just a teeny weeny bit suspicious
the way we collected them doors?
Instead of driving them in a warehouse
and sort of loading 'em up
Johnny Cummings was chuckin em out the first floor
window, weren't he, eh?
- Del?
- What?
- You know that Denzil fella?
- Yeah.
- Has he got any brothers?
- Yeah, five, why?
Nothing. It's just that five
West Indian blokes just got out of a Rover!
It's them! That is them, it's
Denzil's brothers!!
- Look at the size of them!!
- What are you gonna do Del?
Oh well, we'll just stay here.
We'll stay here.
And if they wanna cut up rough we'll
exchange punches you know like man to man.
You're not including me in that are you?
Fight 'em! Derek, look at the size of 'em!
They'll look even bigger when
they get up here Rodney!
Yeah, well, I'll tell you
what. Don't worry. Don't worry.
Listen I'm gonna explain.
What we're gonna do - what we're - I'll tell you.
We can run for it. Come on
let's get out of here. Quick!
- What's he brought us here for?
- Gawd knows!
I don't like these places,
they make me feel queasy!
What's up with you two?
Oh it's nothing, it's just
Albert, he don't feel too well!
How bad is he? I mean, is it
worth our while taking him home?
Oh, I ain't that bad Del!
Oh good. Well you just sit
back and enjoy yourself then!
Enjoy ourselves Del, we are 2,000 pounds in debt,
we have a garage load of hooky doors and
a mob or irate Rastafarians after our blood!
So what are we doing hanging
round Mum's monument?
Because I always come here in
times of trouble Rodney.
I just come here, stand here
and tell Mum my problems and, somehow,
she always seems to provide an answer.
She's never let me down yet!
I mean, you take that time when
you were done for possession of cannabis.
I just came here an' I told Mum that her
little baby was in trouble with the law!
And it was almost as if I could hear her
voice saying to me 'Bribe the Old Bill, Del!'
And what happened? When the case came
to court the police could provide no evidence!
You told me you got a 250 quid
fine and a suspended sentence!
Yes, because three days before
the trial this plonker pleaded guilty by post!
Mom wasn't to know that, was she?
Don't worry, she'll come up with a solution
to our financial pligh.
Come on, sit yourself down, just relax Rodders.
Look around Rodney, just think,
one day all us Trotters'll be here.
- Well I don't know about you!
- That's alright Del, I'm with the Co-op!
Yeah, back in the sixties I bought us all plots you know.
I thought land's a good investment annit?
Oh, can't go wrong Del can yer!
See, I'll be over there, next to Mum, and Grandad,
well he's over there in the Gardens of External Peace.
Where will I be?
Oh yeah, you are, oh look, see look,
see right over there. Right over the back there.
Can you see the big pile of stinging nettles?
There.
Under the stinging nettles?
I ain't gonna be buried under a pile
of stinging nettles!
Well it ain't gonna bother you is it Rodney,
'cos you're gonna be brown bread!
What happens when his family
come to pay their respects?
He won't have no family, will he? 'Cos I'll be there next
to Mum and you'll be picking up yer divvies!
He could be married by then!
How's his widow gonna tend
his grave when it's covered in stinging nettles?
She'll have to buy herself a decent pair
of gardening gloves won't she!
Come to think of it, I've got a beautiful pair
of gardening gloves in the garage!
They retail at 4.75 normally,
they could be yours for a nicker!
I don't want any gardening gloves!
Oh that's charming, isn't it, eh?
Never a thought for the poor old missies!
There she'll be with swellings and blotches all
over her hands, the poor little mare!
I don't believe this conversation is taking place!
In 35 seconds you two have married me,
buried me and given my widow skin trouble!
Well, you've gotta look to the
future ain't yer Rodney?
Not if I can help it Uncle!
I often look into the future.
I find it very reassuring to know that
whatever happens down here, in this mortal curl,
one day we'll all be together up there in Heaven,
for ever and ever, amen!
Do you believe in all that
Heaven and what 'ave yer?
Oh yeah, it's true, I read it
in a book!
Just think Rodney.
When you walk through them Pearly Gates,
all like clouds and things - the first
face you'll see will be mine.
- Yeah, that's cosmic Del!
- Your Mum'll be there as well!
Oh yes, Mum'll be there 'cos she'll be wanting to see
Rodney, her little wonder baby!
She used to always call him that you know 'cos she
used to wonder how the hell he happened.
I suppose your Dad might be up
there as well, eh?
Oh I do hope so. I do hope so Uncle,
can't wait to get my hands on that old git!
I'll give him such a whack with my harp
he won't know if it's Good Friday or Bonfire Night!
Del, will you stop rabbiting
for one minute and come over here.
- Oh Gordon Bennett, what's the matter with you now?
- Look over there!
- Where?
- Just by them flowers.
It's like that butterfly thing
from Rodney's magazine.
That's because it is that
butterfly thing from my magazine!
Oh leave it out you wally! What that thing
over there's worth 3,000 pounds? Never...
It is, it is that 'an all.
If we could, if we could capture that all
our problems'll be over!
I told you two didn't I? Didn't I tell you two
that Mum'd come up trumps.
Yeah, let's get it!
No look, be careful, take yer time. Take yer time!
We've gotta do this
the way the professionals would do it.
What d'you mean? We've gotta jump over things
and skid around in the van?
I don't mean Bodie and bleedin'
Doyle you stupid old git...
I mean professional butterfly
catchers! Albert.
- Yes Del?
- Giss yer hat!
- Derek!
- What?
- Have some respect!
- Oh sorry...
It's gone! Quick Rodney.
Get after it. Go on quick.
Careful Del! Take it,
nice and easy.
Yes, yes, thank you Rodney!
'Cos you could slip and kill
yourself easy as anything!
I know, I know!
Now!!
- Come on Del, he's getting away!
The things I do for money!
- Where is it?
- He's out there on that lily pad!
We can't leave
him out there can we?
Well what d'you wanna do then,
phone the coastguard?
Look, a bloody great pike
could come up and have him for supper.
No, one of us has got to go in and get him.
Go on Rodney, I'll hold your shoes!
Eh? I'm not going in there!!
This is no time for second thoughts!
That is not a butterfly out there,
that is Denzil's money!
- So how come I have to go and get it?
- 'Cos I'm not a very good swimmer!
Nor am I!
I know but you're taller than me, ain't yer,
It'll take you longer to drown! It's only shallow.
- How shallow?
- Well I don't know do I! Get in and see!
What's Rodney doing?
I dunno - backstroke I think.
Our three grand's out there on that lily pad.
I begged him, I begged him not to go in!
Pity you weren't here,
this is right up your street isn't it?
- I can't swim Del!
- You used to be a sailor!
Don't mean a thing!! Nelson couldn't swim!
Course he couldn't, he'd only got one bloody arm!
He'd be going round in circles wouldn't he?
There you are Rodney, it's not
as bad as you thought is it?
You pushed me!
I did not, I did not push you,
I just gave you a little bit of encouragement!
- Anyway come on Rodders you're in now!
- Yeah, and I'm getting out 'an all.
Just a minute, just a minute.
Not ten yards, not ten yards from you, right,
is one of the rarest, most beautifulest
of God's little tiny creatures!
And them wallies in that magazine of yours are
gonna give us three grand for it.
I don't care Del, I'm still
getting out!
Listen, we give Denzil his two grand back
and we've got a grand for ourselves!
I thought you said you'd give
Denzil three grand!
That's funny that,
'cos Denzil thought I said that 'an all.
Rodders, everyone's a winner! What d'you say?
- Nice and gently Rodney.
- Shuddup!
Easy now, don't splash, go slowly, don't disturb it.
Shush, mind how you go...
- Good boy, come on.
- I bet I'll get a cold next week now!
- Shut up you tart!
- This water'll make my hair go frizzy!
Don't worry, the alopecia'll
soon cure that.
Just remember, if you get into difficulties, save
the butterfly right?
Stuff the butterfly!
There's only a few of them things
left in the world, there's millions of you!
Nice 'n' easy Rodney, almost there!
- Careful, careful, got it, got it.
- Is he alright Del?
Yeah he's alright. A bit wet, but he'll survive.
The old sun'll soon dry you out won't it?
And then we'll take you down to the nice man
who's gonna give your Uncle Delly Welly three lovely grand!
Denzil I've got your money.
Great man! I'll see you down
the pub later!
- What's that mess in your hands?
- That used to be a butterfly Rodney!
The butt...But...You didn't...
Not when Denzil.
Well what a plonker!
So what do we do now?
Ladies and gentlemen, how would you like
to be the proud owners of a set of lowvery doors?
Subtitles by NVL