One Tree Hill (2003–2012): Season 8, Episode 17 - The Smoker You Drink, the Player You Get - full transcript

Nathan and Clay are finally ready to sign up Ian Kellerman when his pa, professor August, asks Nathan, who finally got a good grade, not to. Finally enjoying the scamp's trust, Chase helps Chuck with his baseball by borrowing Alex's spectacles. Julian, Brooke, Quinn all got their turn with false pregnancy alarms from Haley, only Nathan and Clay are prepared. Now Chloe Hall has accepted them as adoptive parents, Julian and Brooke prepare the nursery. Mouth inspires Millicent to turn her lame TV job in a chicken suit into a social conscience, which proves quite a risk.

Previously on one Tree Hill...

You guys here to sign me?

Depends on what you're
looking for in an agent.

Whoever gets me the most money up front.

Highest signing bonus wins.

I'm one curve ball away
from blowing out my arm

and being washed up like you two.

So I'll take mine now...

The money, all of it.


Millicent huxtable, field reporter.

I'd watch you all day long.

This job should be yours, Marvin.

You're great at what you do,

and I'm just some silly girl
pretending to be a reporter.

Aunt Brooke!

Jamie?! Are you okay?!



It's Julian!

We're in here!

We're okay!

No, stop!

Stop! Stop!


I just want two people who
are gonna love this baby,

who can take care of this baby.

I want you guys to be the parents.

D toaster pastry d

d you taste so good and yummy d

d toaster pastry d

d get into my tummy d

d frosting doodle on my strudel d

d and now I'm gonna eat you up d

Quinn? Hmm?

- It's time.
- Huh?

Okay, here we go.

Breathe, breathe.

I'm breathing. Breathe.

Uh, those are my shoes.


I'm already wearing shoes.

Okay, um...

Where are your keys?




Keys. Keys.

Where are the keys?

Those are Clay's keys. Where are my keys?

Didn't you drive Clay's car today?


We'll take your car. We're gonna be fine.

I don't think I'm gonna fit in there.

Yes, we're gonna make
it work. Stay positive.

Just are you breathing? I'm
breathing. I'm still breathing.

Okay, just... wait,
lift your... the leg.

Quinn, this is not gonna work

because I have to get in the backseat.

There is no backseat!

I know.

We got this. You're good.

Quinny, I can't.

You have to, 'cause
you're having the baby!

Actually, I'm not.



That was a dirty trick.

It was just a little test,
and you need to be ready

in case the baby starts
coming and Nathan's not here.

You cried wolf, wolf-crier.

You want a drink?


Toaster pastry? No.


What's so funny?

You tried to stuff me into a stingray.

Well... you were
so not ready.

Oh, I'll be ready.

I'll be ready.

I hope so, 'cause you
totally tanked that test.

Do you hate me?

Or is it the marijuana or the texting

or spending all night on the facepage?

Because most of you
are failing this class.

Most of you.

What color should we
paint the baby's room?

Are you getting a baby's
room, Brooke Davis?


Why? Are you getting a baby, Brooke Davis?

Yes, I'm getting a baby and a baby's room.

And that baby's getting me and us.

That baby's getting lucky.


Well, blue or pink,

but since Chloe doesn't want
to know the sex ahead of time...

- Yellow.
- ...Green.

Yellow's so sunny, though.

Golden butter. Golden treasure.

Soft duckling.

Okay, soft duckling is strong,

but don't sleep on enchanted forest.

It is enchanted. We're
gonna have a family.

We're gonna have a baby in a room

with paint called enchanted
forest or soft duckling.

You're my enchanted forest.

You're my soft duckling.


Aw, look at my soft duckling.

I'm supposed to be a chicken.

A chicken.

- Isn't that how the
last guy... - Yes!

Yes, that's how the last
guy got run down in traffic.

I don't want to cross the road.

Well, why don't you do one
of the other stories, then?

Because they're boring,
and I want to make a splash.

Chicken suit makes a splash.

Chicken suit makes a splatter, too.

I know.


Well, how about you read
me one of the other stories,

and we can come up with an angle?

You'll help me?

Of course.

Anything for my... hot chick.


I am hot.

My chicken feet are sweating
like you wouldn't believe.


You wanted to see me?

Were you surprised by your "a," Mr. Scott?

A-minus. Were you?

I believe they invented the word "very"

for moments such as these.

I will take that

as a Dan Scott-like pat
on the back, Professor.

I don't want you representing my son.

I'd appreciate it if you would stop.

Is that why I got an "a"?

A-minus. And no.

Your representation of
Ian, or lack thereof,

will not affect your
grade for this course.

Well, good, because Ian
is a hell of a prospect,

and he's gonna need an agent.

I didn't say I don't want
him represented, Mr. Scott.

I simply don't want
him represented by you.

One Tree Hill 8x17 the
smoker you drink, the player you get

air date on march 1, 2011

sync, corrected by elderman...

He's just so smug about it, you know.

Like I'm not good enough
to represent his son.

And then he started into the whole

and-personal nonsense.

And then that chick from
Kellerman's boat came by.

She asked about you.

Who, Tracy?

So not as hot as Quinn.

So, what do you think?

I'm thinking pancakes
or fajitas. Never mind.

And, really, pancakes or fajitas?

How are those your choices?

Mm, because, Nate, I like
pancakes, and I like fajitas.

That's like saying
applesauce or mashed potatoes.

Ooh, mashed potatoes sound great.

You're very strange. You know that?

Mm-hmm. Totally weird.

Hey, oh. Julian.

What's up, j-man?

Yeah, I'm aware it's not Jamie.

What's going on?



You drop him? Yep.

I'll just text him back.

You know, I can't remember the last time

that I actually completed a call.

Well, we've only had
cellphones for like 30 years.

You can't expect miracles.

Hey. Tea and tea.

You know, one day, we're
gonna look back and say,

"remember when we used to drop calls,

and we were all like,
'hello? Is anybody there?'"

this is why we text.

Why do people text?

Because calling people ends

in frustration and disappointment.

No, people text

because they don't like
to be put on the spot.

Nobody wants to be caught

on the other side of that conversation

when someone asks them to
carpool or lend them money,

or when someone tells you
that they've always loved you.

Trust me, the last one's the worst.

No, not as bad as when they
call and then they ask you

to smuggle 15 balloons
of pure Bolivian cocaine

across the turkish border,

and you got bills to pay, and
you got a problem saying no.

You finished?

In your butt.

Now I'm finished.

Nobody likes to be put on the spot.

They want to read it, think
about it, and then respond,

usually with a well-conceived
lie or an excuse.

Or they just pretend
they didn't even get it.

Or when you text that you love someone

and you don't hear anything back,

you can pretend that they never got it.

You can't do that on the phone.

I tell myself they're dead

or just being held in a pit
like in "silence of the lambs."

It puts the lotion in the basket.

Actually, the line was,

"it places the lotion
in the basket,"

but everybody always gets it wrong.

Anyway, what about the pit
in "silence of the lambs"?

Well, apparently you don't get
good cellphone coverage down there.

Exactly. Oh, well, yeah.

We've only had cellphones
for the last 30 years,

so you can't expect a miracle.

Anyway, clear your minds,
which is not hard, I know.

You ready? Mm-hmm.

Soft duckling or enchanted forest?

Are you starting a band?

Because I would go see soft duckling.


These are the paint
colors for my baby's room.

Ugh. Mm.

I got to go
to work. I'm...

Bar manager. Bar manager. Bar manager.

Hate is a choice. Don't do it.

Seriously, yellow or green?

I don't know, that's like
asking us to compare applesauce

and mashed potatoes.

Ooh, mashed potatoes. Nice
call. Sounds good, right?

I'm so glad that my
wife is not having a son.

I got to go find Ian.

Text him! Don't call!

Trust me!



It's time.

Oh, very nice.

And look what I found in the garage.

Ooh, excellent.

Have a seat.

Oh! Why, thank you.

My very roomy s.U.V. Is waiting outside.

Let's go have a baby.

Nicely done.

Thank you.

Only thing...

What if I'm not here
and Nathan's not here?



Hey, what's going on? Are you okay?

It's time.

Oh, my gosh. Okay.

Um, okay. Let's get you
to the hospital. Okay.

Okay, come on. All right.

Are you sure? Yeah, my water broke.


Leather seats. Hang on.

I just have to get a
towel. Come to the kitchen.

I don't think there's time.

There's time.

But the baby's coming!

The baby is not coming!

Just...Clamp your knees together.

Clamp my knees together?

Like you should've done nine
months ago. Where's a towel?


Oh! Okay, I got it.


Oh, my God.

Okay, I have a towel. I have my car keys.

Let's go. Ohh!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh. What happened there, Brooke?


That was a dirty trick.

That's what I said.

Well, you were a disaster.

I was not that bad.

You were a mess.

You were kind of a mess.

I was in complete control until this.

I can't get them.

We're gonna have to call Julian.



How did this happen again?

I tripped.

You know how clumsy I am.

I don't... I don't
know if I can get them.

Well, gosh, I sure hope hales

doesn't go into labor anytime soon.

Well, if she does,

we'll just throw her
in the bed of my truck.



Are you okay, Haley?

It's time.

What? It's time?


You sure? Mm-hmm.




Where are we? What happened?
Did you have your baby?

No, no, it was just...
It was a little a test.

And you passed...Out.

That's a dirty trick.


I can't help it. They're
toaster-pastry deliciousness.

She's kind of right.

I want one.

Yeah, I kind of want one, too.

Geez, quinny. How many is that?

How many is that?

What are you, my father?

If I was, I wouldn't be
happy with me right now.

So what else is new?

Let me guess. He told
you not to be my agent.

Pretty much.

Well, then, I guess
it's a win/win for you.

You get to sign me and
piss off the old man.

What about you?

Well, I get to sign with good agents,

piss off the old man,
and look good doing it.

It's a win/win/win.

You want a drink? No, I got to get home.

My wife's pregnant, you know.

You too, huh?

You didn't see my test.



Dude, you're like 8 years old.

9. I got left back a year.

Not the point. What's up?

Can you help me?

Of course I'll help you.

Just tell me what the story's about.

You wanted to wear the suit, didn't you?

I did.

You happy?

I am. It's nice. I feel chicken-y.


Well, basically they did a study

saying that street
signs are more noticeable

if only the first letter is capitalized,

not the whole name.

They did not do that study. Yes, they did.

Someone actually paid
someone money for that?

Mm-hmm, you did, with
your taxpayer dollars...

I mean, when you had a job.

I have a job. I'm a bartender.

You're kind of more of a bar back.

Who bartends once in a while.

Okay, sorry. Bartender.

I pay my taxes. I know you do, honey.

You are a hard-working,

very handsome,
chicken-y-feeling bartender.

I still need help on the story.

Okay, well, maybe you
could do something like, um,

"why did the chicken cross the wrong road?

Because he couldn't
read the street signs."

Hey, that's pretty good.

So they really paid
someone for this study?

Like, some firm somewhere,

with supposedly educated people, did this?

Mm-hmm. They're changing the signs, too.

They say signs with all capital letters

cause people to stare a little longer,

and the lingering causes accidents.

The lingering? Mm-hmm.

The lingering on the
all-capital-letter street signs

that we've had since
the beginning of time.


Let me ask you a question.

Which are larger,

capital letters or smaller letters?

Capital letters.

And what's easier to see,

larger things or small things?


And what do you think would cause one

to linger on a street sign,

the fact that the larger,
easier-to-read letters

tripped you up,

or the fact that, hey,

why are all the street signs different?

Bam. Accident. Bam?

Bam, not to mention the
money they spent on this study

and the money they're gonna spend
to change all the street signs.

$110 per sign on every
street sign in America.


Schools don't have art or
music or hot lunches or books,

and this is where my tax
dollars as a bartender are going?

Wow. You are really worked up
about this street-sign thing.

I am.

And kind of the bartender thing, too.

I guess I'll do it,
then... the story.

Well, only do it if you'll
say how ridiculous it is,

that it's a ridiculous,
stupid, wasteful project.

I wish.

Well, Jerry loves stuff like that.

You know? Just call it,
um, social commentary.

I don't think so, but thanks.

You hot?

Yeah, you're right. My feet are sweating.


You know, if a guy
plays most of his career

in the minors, and then
he gets called up...

You're a bartender.

He's a major-leaguer, Millie.

Bartender. Bartender.

That's right.

Okay, here we go. Brooke, I'm fine.

I know. It's okay. You
just got a little spooked.

I really do think it was

more from standing up
so fast than anything.

Well, you saved my keys,
and if you hadn't...

You would've had to use the spare key

under the gnome statue.



Chloe, what are you doing here?

Oh, I'm making a toaster pastry.

But how did you get in?

I used the spare key
under the gnome statue.

You want one?

Yes, but what are you doing here,

other than making
delicious toaster strudel?

I mean, are you okay?

There's been a change of plans.

I had a checkup this morning, and, um...

Looks like your baby's gonna
be here sooner than we thought.



So, tell me again how it went down.

I got an a-minus, he asked to see me,

and then he told me he didn't
want us representing Ian.

You believe that?

Everything except the a-minus part.

So, what do you think?

Well, I think Kellerman's a bully,

and we need to get Ian a great deal

so he can get out from under
his father and never look back.

And are we talking about Ian Kellerman now

or Nathan Scott?

I know you don't like Ian.

And on the surface,
there's not a lot to like.

But I've been there, Clay.

He just needs to grow up
and find some stability.

You see the past when
you look at this kid.

I get that.

But, buddy, I don't trust him.

So we beat Kellerman at his
own game, with his own words.

Trust is a gamble. Get it in writing.

We have Ian sign a contract with us.

That way Kellerman can't
influence him or pressure him.

And then we include a morals clause

in case you're right and
I'm wrong, which I'm not.

So you beat Kellerman
using his own textbook.

Nice going, a-minus.

Nathan! It's time!

Yeah. Okay. We're just
gonna finish this game.

The baby's coming right now.

Yeah, I know.


This is really exciting stuff, hales,

but if you could just
force your knees together

and hang in there, we're almost done.

In fact, do you want winners?

I don't think you guys understand.

I'm gonna have the baby right here.

Yeah, I don't think
you understand. Mnh-mnh.

Julian told us that you tricked
him and Brooke and Quinn.

Oh! Hey, look, it's a wolf!

You see, now, I'm the boy
who cried "wolf," too, so...

Yeah, yeah, it's true.

I-I did. I did trick them.

But right now, it's not a trick,

and we actually need
to go to the hospital.

Are you serious? Like,
right now, right now?

Okay, uh, I... I
have to find my keys.

Just kidding!


Okay, Millie, you're live in 15 seconds.

Okay. Stand by.

You're live in 5, 4, 3, 2.

Why did the chicken
cross the wrong road?

Because he couldn't
read the street signs.

At least, that's what
our government says.

The federal government
has mandated that by 2018,

all street signs in
the United States

must be written with
a capital letter

followed by lowercase letters.

It's costing taxpayers in
New York City $27.5 million,

and your city will be next.


The federal highway
administration says

that safety will improve

by replacing the
all-capital-letter signs,

because drivers will be able to
identify the words more quickly

when they're written in both upper
- And lowercase letters

in a font called clearview.

At least, that's what I think it's called.

It's written in big, bold, capital letters

in this press release, so I
couldn't quite make it out.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

So, let me get this straight.

Schools don't have books or
art or music or hot lunches,

and this is where our
tax dollars are going?

Unemployment is up.

People are jobless and
homeless and hopeless,

and the government is
spending $110 per sign

on every street sign in America

to make the letters smaller

so that we can read them better?

Really? Really?

I'm Millicent huxtable,
and how clucked up is that?

Are you out of your mind?

You were just supposed to report

that the signs were being replaced.

It was a dumb idea.

T-that's your opinion.

We don't air opinions.

Our viewers do not watch the news

to get "social commentary"
from a... a frickin' chicken!

They were using taxpayer dollars.

Well, you won't have to worry
about your taxpayer dollars,

because you might be out of
a job by the end of the day.

Phones are starting to light up.

This is gonna be bad.

Go home, Millie. I'll do what I can.

Strike one!

Just keep your eye on the ball.

Try it again.

Strike two!

- You're swinging a little late.
- Well, you're throwing them a little early.

Just choke up a little.

All right?

Strike three! Man, this game sucks!

Maybe it's my pitches.

I'm pretty good, you know.

It's not your pitches.

Dude, I was a great
pitcher in little league.

Throw one.

All right.

It's not your pitches.

Man, you suck worse than me!


Sounds good.

You think so? I don't know.

Cool! Don't touch anything.

Hey, can I borrow those glasses you need

but you're too afraid to wear?

I-I don't need
glasses. W-what glasses?

Uh, the ones in your purse
that you squint through

whenever you don't
think anybody's looking.

You tell anyone about those,

and I swear to God I will tell them...

Something about you.

You can see your cream puff in a sex tape,

but God forbid they know you wear glasses?

Can I borrow them, please?

Not a word.

All right. Let's go.



Just put them on.

I don't want to.

Chuck, we need to know
if your eyes are okay.

I promise I won't laugh.

You said you wouldn't laugh!

Come on.

We're just playing.


You said you wouldn't laugh.

He did look funny.

So, where's Julian?

Oh, he's trying to finish

this documentary he's been working on.

It's pretty cool.

I think you'd like it.

Can I get you some milk
to go with those cookies,

or fruit to go with some milk?

You can just ask me
whatever you want, you know.

What do you mean?

I mean all those questions
you want to ask me...

Just go ahead and ask them.


What's the baby's father like?

He's handsome.

He has a great smile.

The truth is, I probably
would've married him

if he wasn't convicted
on those drug charges.

He's in jail... for drugs?

Oh, prison, actually.

Hey, maybe he knows your mom.

I'm kidding.

He's just a boy.

He was just as scared as I was

when I found out I was pregnant.

He has this picture of what
he wants his life to be,

and this isn't in it.

I have a picture, too.

I don't know. This sounds terrible.

But what do I know about raising a kid?

Actually, I think

putting the baby's life first is selfless.

Should I even be in here with this paint?

Latex paint with biocides and spray paint

are actually the most
harmful, so you're fine.

Like I said, what do I know?

What about your friends?

Well, I used to have a lot of friends.

But I can't really do the
things that they like to do.

Like what?

Ian said he was gonna
have a few friends over.

Morals clause
... good call.

How is it? Is it good?
You want another glass?

- No, hales. I have to drive home.
- Just one more glass.

Just one more. Shh, it's okay. Haley, no.

I already drank the wine for you,

and I ate the exotic cheese and the Sushi.

And, ugh, I feel so bloated.

Oh, well, you say that again,
and I'll just punch your face.


I'm sorry.

What else can I do for you?

I don't know.

Ooh! Do you want to watch "psych"?

Never heard of it. Is it any good?

Mm, meh. Oh.

What? Why were you
looking at me like that?

Nothing! I
... nothing.

I'm just... I
was just thinking

about how nice it is to have you here,

and...How I can't believe

that I almost lost you and
Jamie in the same night.

But you didn't.

Katie's locked away,

and the driver of that car
has to live with what he did.

I can't believe they haven't found him.

I mean, how do you not find...

A smashed-up, dark-colored
grand wagoneer.

Yeah. I know. Julian told us.

Well, it's like you said.

Whoever it is, they have
to live with what they did.

Step away from the bar.


Because you do two things
when you're feeling vulnerable.

- How do you know?
- Because I know you, Alex.

You do shots, and you do boys.

And there's the second one. New boyfriend?

I don't know. Just somebody I met.

Change is a whisper, Alex.

It's a season.

It's slow and quiet, and
it's not very dramatic.

But it's up to you.

This one's on me.

Your song is good.

What a day.

Root beer?

Chase bought it for me.

Well, don't you have any Tequila
shots you need me to do for you?

My girl went on a rant.

Your girl's about to be fired.

What? Why?

Yeah, what? Why?

Because Jerry did not love it,

and because chickens aren't
supposed to give opinion.

It was social commentary.

What was? It was so dumb.

What was dumb? Millie went
live and called stupid stupid.

In a chicken suit.


Jerry said he was getting complaints.

I'm doomed.

Uh, excuse me, ladies.

I just need to know
if you're, um...

Yeah, hi. Alex dupr?.

No, actually...
I actually meant

are you the angry chicken reporter?

That's me.

I knew it.

I... that was
awesome, by the way.

Just, uh, c-can I have your autograph?


What is it?

It's your contract with the agency.

Yeah, it's a standard thing, Ian.

Well, I'll tell you what...

Me and Tommy here against you guys

in a game of beer pong.

If we lose, I'll sign your contract.

But if you lose, I don't.

Come on, Ian. We don't want to play games.

What's the matter?

You afraid of getting
your ass beat, Scott?

You understand I used
to be in the nba, yes?

And you understand that I
can hit any part of the plate

from 60 feet away, yes?

Drink up, Kellerman.

Well, since we don't know
the sex, I like yellow.

Julian likes green.

Why don't you just paint the room black?

Black? It would be like a cave.

I know. It'd be awesome.

I had a friend named Peyton

who had a black room
when she was your age.

She was adopted, too.

You know, you could
really help me with this

if you would just tell us the sex.

I don't know it, and I
really don't want to know it.

Um, I'm sorry.

I didn't even think...

It's okay.

I'm just really tired. I'm gonna go.


Can I drive you
somewhere, or...

Oh, no, I... I
have my motorcycle.

You ride a motorcycle?


I have a prius.

But the look on your face is priceless.

I'm fine, I promise.

Thanks for letting me hang out today.

No matter what color you paint it,

it's gonna be a really nice room.

I'm sure this baby's
gonna have an awesome life.


Hey, Chuck!

Go away, Mr. meathole. I
told you to leave me alone.

What? I-it's
me... chase.

What do you want?

Come to laugh at me some more?

No. I came to say I'm sorry about that.

Okay? I'm sorry.

Now put some clothes on and get out here.

Where are we going?

Dude, it's late on a school
night. Does it matter?

Good point. Wait up.

Man, I thought we were gonna
boost a car or something.

Just put them on.

I better not be getting punk'd.

You're not.

And no laughing.

No laughing.

All right. Let's see what you got.


I think you need glasses.


Nice hit.


There you go. Attaboy.


What are you looking at, girl I love?

My sexy bartender boyfriend
who always helps me.

You mean the one who feels bad

about giving you the crummy advice?

You didn't.

It felt good to say what I said.

And if I get fired, I get fired.

It's Jerry. I don't want to get fired.

Hi, Jerry.





He said the switchboards
were jammed all day.

Oh, that's bad.

Well... it would have been,

except he said they liked me.

He said I'm a hit,

and they want me to do
social commentary from now on.

So, Marvin.

What else are you mad about?

All right, just initial here.

And...Sign there.

Who knew Clay Evans was
the beer-pong master?

What the hell? I knew you guys
couldn't be complete dorks.

Complete dorks and officially your agents.

I think this calls for
a little celebration.

Don't you think you've had enough?

Drinks, probably. Women, never.


Well, on that note, I
think we'll be heading out.

You got a bathroom in this place?

Uh, if you don't want to wait in line,

there's one in the back of
the house past the kitchen.

All right.

Hey. How'd it go?

Good. A few inches lower, not so good.

Thanks for the glasses.

Our secret. Thank you.

You mind if I help you close up?

Sure, if you want to.

I do. I miss it.

Besides, I didn't get any better offers.

Toaster strudel

you taste so good and yummy

toaster strudel

get into my tummy

frosting doodle on a strudel

and now I'm gonna eat you up


It's time.

For real this time.



She went into labor.


No, Chloe.

Sync, corrected by elderman...