One Tree Hill (2003–2012): Season 2, Episode 3 - Near Wild Heaven - full transcript

Tim is dead-set to hire a stripper so Nathan must get a post-wedding bachelor's night; the girls laugh at him - and grab their chance to rip off Nathan's shower towel - but although Haley is worried, Brooke is actually no less eager to throw Haley a killer bridal shower in her expensive style, starting with a limo ride to a private lingerie show followed by a car repair man who doubles as shirtless dancer. Dan is still recovering and atypically friendly, even asking Lucas to forgive him for everything; Deb considers taking him back. Keith starts in Dan's president's seat by offering Lucas a job, who passes it on to Nathan and offers instead to mind the café now his ma Karen has decided to go to college. Tim shamelessly shows his dad's 'porn video' starring his step-mom, but when he gets mouthy to whom he thinks are the strippers his brother hired, it's two female cops who arrest him for real, which only makes him even more horny. In the strip club where Haley gets a stripping lesson, Brooke's credit card is refused: washing dishes! The female stripper arrives after all the boys have gone home, but is eager to please hunky Nathan in private as far as he wants...

Previously on One Tree Hill.

Were you thinking about college?

It can wait.

For what?!

He?s in shock, now that you?re officially off the market.

It?s true ?Dim?, Haley?s preggers.


The Phoenix Effect isn?t uncommon in cardiac patients.

They grow? remorseful? introspective, sometimes even joyous.

I?ve decided to run the dealership for Dan.

You?ve given up a lot for Dan. He doesn?t deserve a brother like you.

Actually, he deserves better.

We were two, lonely, people... together for one night... No one else needs to know.

Hey, don?t be a stranger, okay?

- You and Haley still married?
- Yeah, she hasn?t thrown me out yet.

I was thinking we could take the cameras, put them out,

people can... take pictures, put them on the wedding wall.

I will not give you my blessing for destroying my son?s life,

or, and you can trust me on this; your own.

I remember the person that you used to be.

Why not just be him again?

Could you ask Lucas to drop by? I?d really like to see your brother.

I think it needs to come down on the left some.

No, it?s gotta come down on the right.

Our left is your right.

Oh? then why are we arguing?

Hey Nathan! What do you think?

- Thai, Mexican, Chinese is always good.
- Yeah.

Tim, you just ate! How is it possible that you?re still hungry?

I?m not ordering food, I?m ordering strippers.

What?! You guys got married so fast, I got screwed outta being the best man

and I am not getting screwed outta the bachelor party.


I was gonna be the best man right?

He?s like a dog with a bone, Hales.

Great, lets get him neutered.

Come on Haley! It?s just a stripper! It?s harmless fun.

You know, Tim?s right.

See? fun!

Yes, but so much more fun when you haven?t seen it before.


- Sorry.
- Yeah.

Haley, let the boys have their fun.

Besides, what?s good for the goose is even better for you.

They can have their little testosterone fest - autos and dial-a-date -

but you get to have a bridal shower and rake in tonnes of loot from all the guests.

- This is so a fair trade.
- Wow, I so don?t need loot.

Okay, Sunny Hill Lodge?

It?s Kichey.

So?s this thing.

Oh no. No, no, that is bridal shower code red. I?m on it.

I?m glad you came son.

You wanted to see me?

Yes I did.

I wanna do something I should?ve done a long time ago.

I wanna apologise to you and to your mother.

I?m sorry Lucas, for everything.

- Hey, you okay?
- Went to go see Dan.

- I?m not gonna hide from him, you know.
- Yeah, I know.

How?d it go?

He freaked me out.

What did he say this time?

That he was sorry.

You know the scary part is that? it seemed like he meant it.

Do you want me to go talk to him, maybe go see him with you?

No. No I?m okay.

I?m just not gonna run from him anymore.

Sometimes you just gotta let it go.

Man you coulda told me about the strippers instead of just ambushing Haley with it.

- You knew about it.
- I knew you were talking about it.

I didn?t know you were gonna? order them in front of my wife.

Jeez! Did you get married or castrated?

Fine, you want me to cancel the stripper? Tell the boys it?s off?

- No.
- See?

You?re just as excited as I am. I know you man.

- Whatever.
- Whatever?

You?re telling me this girl shows up all hot and willing; you wouldn?t go there?

- Tim, I?m married.
- Right.

You keep telling yourself that. But that ring, doesn?t erase your past Nate.

Some of us still remember who you used to be.

- Ha, looking sharp.
- Ah! Hey.

- You settling in, okay?
- Uh! Typical Dan.

He? did everything himself. Never let anyone help him with the big stuff.

- Anything I can do to help?
- Yeah.

You can come back and work for me like old times. What do you say?

Well I would say thank you but I don?t know.

I? you know, it might be a little strange; getting a cheque with Dan?s name on it.

No. Actually it feels pretty good.

- Well, the job?s yours if you want it.
- Thanks Keith.

You know, I?ll let you get back to work.

Yeah, that?s exactly what I?ve been avoiding.

I have to get Dan?s signature on these and?

despite me best efforts, I?m all out of excuses not to.

Are you guys still having problems?

Um? actually no.

I don? know what drugs they?re pumping him full of but he?s kind of... polite.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I didn?t think that we?d ever be able to put aside our differences, like you and Nathan have,

but? well, who knows? Maybe they?ll keep him medicated.

This is Keith.


Okay, I?ll be right there.

I? gotta run.

You know, if you want, I can take those papers to the hospital.

Are you sure?

Yeah. No problem.

Alright. I?ll see you.


Need some help?

Nope. Just? straightening up for your? party.

Haley you don?t need to, it?s just the guys. They?ve seen it like this.

In fact, they made it like this.

Oh, I don?t mind.

Besides, if we?re going to have a skanky ho in the place at least it should look nice.

I?m kidding? sort of? maybe.

Haley, this bachelor party is more for Tim than it is for me, okay?

He?s threatened by the fact that Lucas threw a suerception

so this is just his way of proving that he?s still my best friend.

Yeah, what?s next? Lap dances for world peace?

Look, I?m not getting all tweaked about your shower.

It?s a bridal shower Nathan. It?s gonna be like the most boring thing ever!

- Your shower is gonna totally kill.
- Normally, killing?s not good.

No, no, but this time, it is. Eyes forward.

What?s that for?

Don?t worry about it. Just leave the shower to me, okay?

I?m gonna teach Haley James? Scott? whoever you are right now,

how to have some serious fun. Tomorrow night, I?m tutor girl.


Oh. Hi Karen.

You look fantastic. It?s a whole new you.

Yep. Thanks.

So, how are things going at the dealership?

Good yeah, yeah. I think it, you know, it?s gonna be, okay.

Oh good.

Oh you know what; I?d better be getting back.

See you around, huh?


Hey, good to see you Lucas.

Um? Keith needs some signatures from you.

You know, I was thinking.

My doctor?s put me through some cardiovascular rehab; I thought you might like to join me.

So you wanna be workout buddies?

Give us a chance to spend some time together. Get to know you.

You had my whole life to do that.

Well life?s given me a second chance.

Maybe you will too.

Do you think we?d even be having this conversation

if you weren?t on the odds with Nathan?

That?s not it.

But I understand your trepidation.

I know I haven?t exactly given you a lot of reasons to trust me in the past.

Look, would you do me a favour and put a copy of this

in the lockbox in my bottom desk drawer.

There?s a key taped underneath the drawer.



You might not trust me?

but I trust you.

My nose is starting to itch.

- Alright.
- Ah, hi, am I interrupting something?

- Hi Haley.
- Hi.

This is some? weird guy thing I?m never gonna understand right?

- Pretty much.
- Great, well at least I came to the right place.

Can I talk to you for a second?


Yeah, we gotta go get eggs anyway.

- Let?s roll.
- Eggs?

So what?s up?

Oh. Um uh, yo Fergie!


Hey, how bout you guys roll me down the street and see if you can hit me on the fly.


So you know bout this whole Bachelor party thing right?

Oh Haley! Look, it?s just goofy guy stuff, okay?

I know. I just wish he?d done his goofy guy stuff before we got married.

Well he would?ve, if you?da gotten married ten years from now.

Joking! Sorry!

Would you just...

look after him?

I?ll tell you what;

I will sacrifice myself and go to the bachelor party to take care of Nathan.

Oh, you?re so heroic.

Thank you.

Hey yo, check it out, we got these trash can set up like bowling pins right.

So I figured we just gonna roll Mouth?s squirrelly little ass right on into em.

Oh-ho, I so got next.

Medication will treat the symptoms but?

the best treatment for you now is a radical lifestyle change.

So we?re gonna put you on a physical therapy regiment

and you can start that as soon as you?re released; the day after tomorrow.

So what are we talking about doc? Weights? Treadmill?

More like, some stretching, short walks,

you have to understand Dan, you?re looking at a long road back

and the road is called the rest of your life.

The hospital gave me the name of their best physical therapist

and there?s also a nurse who can move in with you at the beach house...

I wanna come home Deb.

- Dude, smell me.
- Dude, kiss my ass.

No seriously. I wanna smell nice for the? talent that?s coming over later.

- Tim, just say the stripper.
- Fine, the stripper.

Alright, which one makes me smell available?

I?ve got ?Flesh? on this side and uh this ?Frink? stuff on this side.

That?s not mine.

Well it was in your bathroom.

Oh Tim. What?re you doing with my perfume.

Alright. I?m off.

All the important numbers are by the phone? police, fire, pimps.

- Thanks for worrying about us.
- I?m not worried about you.

Have your fun, just remember...

- You?re married now.
- She?s here!

Stripper time.

Oh it?s just you.

Not the thrill it used to be, huh?

- Hi.
- Hi.

Okay, I left some ones on the counter, in case you don?t have any change

don?t spend it all in one place.

What?s wrong with ?Dim??

Oh, don?t take it personally. He thought you were the stripper.

Hey, we?d prefer to be called exotic dancers.


Who the hell are you?

Where?s the stripper?

Haha! I can not believe you rented this for my shower; Brooke this is crazy.

And by crazy, she means, thank you.

Oh yeah god, Brooke, thank you. I?m blown away by all this.

You?re welcome.

I think someone feels a little guilty about the whole pregnancy rumour.

Well, water under the bridge.

- Forget the water, lets have champagne.
- Yes.

Champagne? How much is that gonna cost?

Who cares? It?s on my dad?s credit card.

I dunno you guys. Last time I drank, I? threw up in Dan?s lap.

That?s my girl.

Alright, a toast to? a nice normal bridal shower.

To nice.

And normal.

- What?s that?
- It?s just a... nice and normal blindfold.

- For what?
- For the nice, normal, guest of honour.

Sure you know this guy?

He works with me in ?Hot and Twisted?.

Great. Even losers don?t know me.

Just read the damn quiz.

- When your boyfriend kisses you, he; A.
- What the hell are you reading?

Cosmo Girl.

When your boyfriend kisses you, he; A, looks deeply into your eyes.

B, closes his eyes.

C, cradles your head softly.

D, unhooks your bra.

It?s D. It?s definitely D, you go for the bra.

Now Tim, you realise you?re supposed to be answering as a girl.

I know, and I?d want a boyfriend who isn?t afraid to go up my shirt.

And hopefully, someday, you?ll find him.

Okay, this sucks. What kind of bachelor party is this? Hmm?

No booze, no strippers.

I thought you guys throw, like, the best parties. This is? lame.

Dude, my brother?s settin up the stripper so we aint gonna be disappointed.

I just hope the stripper?s not a guy,

I remember the last time you were on stripper duty.

Alright. I wasn?t gonna crack this out till later but what the hell.

Let?s set the mood with a little something from my dad?s porno stash.

I was up late one night and I heard my dad watching this.

- The chick in it goes absolutely nuts.
- Sweet!

- Tim, is that your mom?
- Step mom.

- Dude, your mom?s a slut!
- Hehe, step mom!

Can you see?

What is going on?

What is this?

This is a lingerie fashion show, girlie.

We figured that since you?re married now, you need to wear

something a little less conservative for Nathan. Something a little more?

- Slutty.
- That?s it.

- Hit it girls!
- Woah, sugar, spice. Look, that?s cute.

Oh my. Go baby, go baby.

Yeah, Teresa! I call that red hot!


How?d you...

After all the money that I spend in this place, they owed me a few favours.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Want some coffee? It?s not the fancy competition but...

I love your coffee Karen. You know that.

So, it?s not the coffee you?re avoiding.

I?m just having a hard time being around you right now.

But, before the proposal we were friends, Keith.

I mean can?t we at least try to go back to the way we were then?

I don?t think so.

Sometimes it?s just? better to move on.

You know, kinda like you did with Peyton?s dad.

I haven?t seen Larry in ages. There?s nothing there.

But even if there was, I mean, your idea of moving on;

does it mean cutting me out of your life completely?

I don?t want to,

but I have to.

Haley. Are you coming out, kitten?

I am not coming out.

See, if you don?t come out, then we?re coming in.

Sexy schoolgirl look.

I don?t know.

Nathan Scott, is going to blow a fuse when he sees you in this.

Guys, there is no way I can pull this off!

No, actually, I?d leave that up to Nathan.

Specially after our next stop.

I still can?t believe you pulled off this keg dawg.

Well you can thank Brooke and the fake ID she made.

Tell the truth, you get with that or what?

A gentleman never tells.

Man, that?s just ?Mouth? for no!

Are you seeing what I?m seeing?

What is wrong with youth of America today?

Hm, time to protect and serve.

Okay! Okay, okay, okay everybody.

This is a very important moment in our little Haley?s life.

The moment when she becomes a woman.

At least, according to the State of North Dakota!

It?s your very first fake ID.

Trudy Gill. Oh I get it, Trudy Gi- Tutor Girl.

Woah! Hey, why are we stopping?

What do you mean it?s gonna take at least an hour to send somebody out?

Let me explain to you the law of supply and demand;

if I supply the credit card, I get to demand that you get somebody out here to fix the car!

- Brooke. I really... I could just call Lucas.
- No!

I already tried, his phone?s off.

Oh good!

What seems to be the trouble?

Um? it?s probably the engine.

Oh, I see exactly what the trouble is.

Great, can you fix it?

Sure, I gotta tool that can fix anything.

I am gonna kill you.

Nice performance Cameron Diaz.

Hm, you too Gwyneth.

This must be the stripper!

Oh sweet, they?re in costume. Did my brother deliver or what!

We witnessed a keg being brought up to this apartment.

Are you boys of age?

Let?s see some ID.

Let?s see some hot girl on girl!

Damn these strippers a strong!

I can feel your breasts against my back!

Better yet! Forget the keg! Arrest the perv.

Ow! You?re hurting me!

Does that cost extra?


A moonroof.

- Officer, there?s been a misunderstanding.
- He thought you were a stripper.

I can see your thong strap foxy brown!

- Never mind.
- Yeah, take him.

I?ve never been so horny!

Hey, its girls gone wild!


Sorry, we?re close...

Oh. Hey. Is everything alright? Is Dan okay?

Oh, the doctors are ready to release him.

- Well that?s good news.
- Yeah.

Let me grab some coffee.

Dan says he wants to come home.

Let me grab some liquor.

I?m confused.

I thought the divorce went through.

Well technically no. Dan had the heart attack before signing the paper.

While signing the papers actually.

You know, Dan has a team of doctors who are taking care of him.

Who?s taking care of you?

Right now, whoever?s name is on that bottle.

You know, maybe the heart attack is a sign.

It is a sign. It?s a sign that you?ve gotta stop doing what?s best for Dan

and start doing what?s best for you.

Maybe it?s moving on. Maybe it?s trying to put the pieces back together

but either way, do it because it?s right for you.

Oh, if I wanted a lap dance, I would have stayed at home.

No, tonight?s gonna be a little different. I rented out the back room and hired an instructor.

An instructor for what?

Stripping is not just about taking your clothes off,

it?s about getting in touch with your own body.

Once you do that, you?re gonna find an inner confidence that you never? had? before.

I think you?ll be amazed at just how? empowering it is.

- Clearly!
- So. Where?s Haley?

She?s not gonna go for this.

Haley, just take it nice and easy.

Show me the pole! Woah!


That?s gonna leave a mark.

Oh my god.

So look, I know?

we haven?t really taken the training wheels off this whole brother thing,

but I wanna ask you something.

I went down to the dealership today

and? found some pictures.

The ones of you in his desk.

You know about those?

Its part of the reason I hated you all those years.

Well, he said he wants me to help him with his rehab.

And what?d you say?

Said I wouldn?t be a stand-in Nathan.

- Night man.
- Take it easy.

Alright guys.

Yeah, we should probably go bail Tim out.

Well, it looks like we got ?Tim?d again.


You might as well head out too man.

- You sure?
- Yeah, don?t worry about it.

You know what? Actually, I have something for ya.

It?s for your new job.

Look, Keith needs some help down at the dealership, he?s a good boss so I figured?

probably pays better than what you?re making now, right?

Thank you man.

- Later.
- Alright.

Hey Lucas?

Look... I understand if you have to? find out about Dan yourself;

whatever you decide to do, it?s not gonna affect you and me.

He?s come between us before? let?s just not let it happen again.

Thanks man.

Excuse me, Miss Davis. Your credit card?s been declined.

Thank you.

Well then?

looks like we have a problem.

So what?s your policy on IOU?s?

You must be Nathan. I?m Simone. Sorry I?m late.

Oh no, it?s okay but? the party?s actually over.

Oh I don?t think so. Party?s just getting started.

Wild night?

More like a long night.

Hope it?s not too late to give you a show.

Oh thanks but... it?s okay.

You sure? I?m already paid for.

No? I think I?m good.

Or at least you?re trying to be.

It?s fine. I can call a cab to pick me up.

In the meantime, I have an idea about what we can do while we wait.

I can not believe my stupid parents didn?t pay the credit card bill.

We?ve got a hundred and forty in cash, at most. So what?re we gonna do?

I?m gonna take care of it.

- How?
- Little negotiation.

Brooke, you can not talk your way out of a thousand dollar bill.

Don?t be silly. A girl can do anything she puts miles to.

Hi. I was wondering if there might be an? alternate way to settle this ball.

It?s a strip club, honey.

How dirty you willing to get?

How dirty are you willing to get?

Well I hope this is dirty enough for you.

Hey! Here, drink this.

It?ll help you with your hangover tomorrow.

What?s in it?

You don?t wanna know. Drink up!

You sure you guys don?t want me to help you wash the dishes? I totally can.

Absolutely not! The guest of honour is not doing the dishes.

Look, we?re probably gonna be here for a while so you should just take that limo home.

I think Mrs Scott?s had a long night.

Mrs Scott.

You guys probably think I?m crazy for getting married.

No! Alright, maybe a little.

You guys totally have the whole Nick and Jessica thing going on...

just? without? stockaratsi and chickeny-tuna.

Yeah well, I guess I can?t really help it if I found the guy I wanna be with my first time out.

Isn?t that what it?s all about? Maybe if we?re not out there

looking for the one we wanna be with forever then what are we doing?

Having fun?

Oh, love is fun! This kind of love is anyway.

Actually, I?d really like to go home to my husband if you don?t mind.

- Class dismissed.
- Thank you.

Thank you so much for tonight. Thank you guys.

You won?t be thanking us tomorrow.




Come on goldilocks. Grime is money.

I thought you?d actually be good at this game.

I was going easy on you before, I?m about to take the safety?s off now though.

Oh, I?m shaking.

Funny, people usually call me before the wedding.

So what?s it like? Being married.

I love it. And Haley, she?s great

and well she?s the one for me.

Even if one?s all you get?

Yeah! Game over for you baby.

Driver! Take me home to my guy.


Hey Luke. What?re you doing here so late?

You know, I could ask you that very same thing.

I?m just trying to catch up.

Even though it?s ?Dan Scott Motors?, I still wanna do well. You know?


So what?s up?

Well? I wanted to thank you for the job offer?

and tell you that I can?t accept it.

Oh? okay.

But I offered the job to Nathan.

I hope? that?s okay with you.

Yeah well, I know he could use the cash.

And the guidance too.

Look Keith, you?ve always helped me out?

well now its Nathan?s turn.

Alright, well I?ll get outta your way.

Oh no, you?re fine. I?m just trying to find those inventory printouts.

How long ago did you call that cab? I think it shoulda been here by now.

Um? I have a confession to make.

I didn?t call a cab.

My car is outside.

You?re really cute, Nathan.

You?re young.

You?re athletic.

You suck at video games.

I was paid a lot of money to show you a good time tonight

and if your idea of a good time is getting your butt kicked by a girl on Playstation,

I?m fine with that

but there?s also a lot of other things I?d be fine with.

There?s a lot of things I?m good at Nathan;

keeping a secret is only one of them.

I?ll be in the bedroom.

You decide what you want.

I want you.

God I love you.

How was the stripper?

Pretty good; at NBA Live.

Other than that, I had no interest in her.

I actually had to ask her to leave.

How was the shower?

Um? it was educational.

Oh yeah? What?d you learn?

What I already knew.

You are the one that I want.

Yeah, me too.

Hey, where you going?

Well, you know how I said tonight was educational?

Honey, you?re gonna love the homework.

I was thinking about what Haley said.

You know how it?s all supposed to be for love.

Kinda scary, huh?


Do you think she?s right?

I know she is. But? that?s not the part that scares me.

So what does?

People are gonna disappoint you; I get that, I kinda expect that but?

I dunno, what if you wake up one day and realise that you?re the disappointment?

What?s on your mind Brooke?

I was just thinking about?

how we?re gonna pay for this limo.

I spoke to the lawyer about the situation with Nathan and Haley.

He says it?s gonna be a lot tougher than he thought.

It doesn?t look like there?s any way to invalidate their marriage.

There?s nothing we can do.


What, you look surprised. Why, because it?s something you would say?

No. No, I was just thinking that? maybe we don?t have to take such drastic measures.

Oh, snap out of it Dan! Phoenix Effect or not, I need some help.

They?re teenagers Deb.

Once the newly wed sex wears off, they?ll realise the only thing

keeping this marriage afloat is a minimum wage job pushing bretzels with no benefits.

Then money problems will kick in?

and they?ll start to wonder why they rushed into the whole thing.

Their marriage will probably self-destruct and we won?t even have to lift a finger.

And what if it doesn?t?

I had a heart attack Deb, not a lobotomy.

Thought you had to be at work.

Oh um? not gonna take the job at the dealership.

I offered it to Nathan, he needs it more

and besides, I?m gonna have my hands full at the caf?.

The caf??

Well, seeing as you?re gonna be so busy with college and classes.

Somebody?s gotta take care of things at the caf?. Right?

Maybe so.


Hey, do me a favour; don?t change when you come home from work. Okay?

I?m kinda into the whole mechanic thing.

No problem, ma?am.

What?s going on!

Come on!

I?ll be inside.

Those pictures in the lockbox? don?t change anything.

Don?t even thing for a second that they do.

I know I can?t change our past Lucas?

but I?m hoping I can change our future.