One Night in... (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Legoland - full transcript
This programme contains
strong language
As Britain heads bed-wards
and off goes the light
and we, in our jim-jams,
turn in for the night
somewhere, a legendary tourist
attraction is about to witness
some out-of-hours action.
They've given the keys
and opened the gates
to two of the country's
very best mates.
This is madness.
JOSH SHRIEKS
You're not normally allowed
to do this sort of thing.
Brilliant!
Comedians Josh Widdicombe
and Alex Brooker are going
on an adventure of a lifetime.
Oi!
Look at that!
As a nine-year-old,
I dreamed of this.
There's no-one here. So good.
We are an odd couple.
HIGH VOICE: Hello,
Josh. All right, mate?
Oh, my God. I do not like that.
We've got absolutely nothing in
common, but we get on very well.
Hello. Oh, mate.
But they won't be on their own.
They've also invited some lucky
mates to share the night with them.
MAKES CREAKING SOUND
Oh!
Nothing's off limits as
they're left unsupervised
for the whole night.
I feel like Robin Hood.
LAUGHTER
To make sure they don't
fall asleep on us,
we'll set them challenges
wherever they go...
"Do something do you think
has never been done before."
You get a fish!
You get a fish!
And put their friendship
to the test...
I'll save you! I'll save you!
Like never before.
You're my best mate.
I love you, pal.
It does feel a bit like
we're going to star
in our own kind of
little buddy film.
Which is worrying cos that
mainly makes you think
of Thelma and Louise.
I hope it's one
with a happy ending.
Oh, God! SCREAMING
This week, Alex and Josh
are joined by married couple
Lucy Beaumont and
Jon Richardson...
Jon!
As they're let loose in the
UK's favourite kids' theme park.
Four mates,
100 million toy bricks,
no grown-ups.
This is One Night In Lego land.
Come on, Brooker. Come on, mate.
Oh, I just hope I'm in the
right place, to be honest.
MUSIC BLARES: Ride Wit Me
by Nelly ft St Lunatics
All right?
What the... is this?
It's my own
personalised golf buggy.
You look like you're about
to lose a Top Gear challenge.
Look. Dice. No, I can
see the dice, mate.
It's brilliant. Honestly, get
in. You'll love it. Right.
I'm going to get in the
front. Seat belt. Ready?
Whoa-ho-ho-ho.
Legoland. Here we go.
Yeah.
That's right. The boys are
heading off to Legoland.
Every year, the theme park
welcomes millions of visitors
who are loopy about Lego.
But it's not all about bricks.
They've got 55 rides and a 4D
theatre that you fly through.
A night here is every
kid's dream come true.
When I was seven, I dreamed
of going to Legoland,
but it was in Denmark.
No-one went to
Denmark on holiday.
We went to Pembroke
in South Wales.
This is like dream fulfilment
for seven-year-old Josh.
Were you into Lego as a kid?
This isn't as bleak
as what it sounds,
but I didn't have as much hand
function when I was a kid.
Oh, God.
So it wasn't one of
the toys they'd get me.
I've massively got into it now.
So you do Lego in
your spare time.
Yeah. I find it quite relaxing.
Have you ever had
sex with a woman?
I know people would assume
that I'd be rubbish at Lego.
But it's actually... I'm all
right. I'm good at it, if anything.
Because I've got small fingers I
can get into, like, the little gaps.
HORNS BEEPING Alex.
I don't want to...
alarm you, but
there's a tailback.
Yeah, they're getting a good glimpse
at how good this motor is, mate.
This is mortifying.
HORN BLARES
Oh!
Are you into Lego
now, as an adult?
Why? I'm 38!
As always, they've invited
friends along for the night.
This time it's a double date.
Waiting for them in Miniland
are comedians and married couple
Jon Richardson and Lucy Beaumont.
This is Paris. I'm
taking you to Paris.
We've been to Paris, haven't we?
We have, yeah, but we didn't
feel this big last time.
Do you remember when you took me
to Paris, you took me to a bridge
where everyone was proposing
and you bent down to
do your shoelace up
and then just got back up?
I wondered why you were
grumpy all that holiday.
I'm quite looking forward to
seeing how our chemistry is
compared to a natural
married couple.
Yeah. currently, I feel like a
couple that have been together
30 years and hate each other.
I think Alex and Josh are
in trouble, don't you?
Yeah, they're going
to be like mediators.
Yeah.
Jon was into Lego, isn't he?
I didn't know that really
that that was such a big thing
in men of our age. Yeah,
loads of people do it.
You sound like you're trying to talk
me into going swinging with you.
Here we are. Oh, my God.
I know this sounds...
There's Lego everywhere.
Yeah, they've really
gone with the theme.
There's definitely a theme.
It's a whole 156 acres dedicated
to the world's most
successful toy brand - Lego.
And tonight the tourists have gone
home, the staff have locked up
and four comedians will
be locked in overnight.
It's exciting, isn't it? Like
just there's no-one here.
So good. It's just
so, like, serene.
Oh, mate, this is it.
This is what Legoland
was made for.
JON: Are you excited? LUCY: Yeah,
I'm quite excited now, actually.
It's cool, innit? I'm trying to
pretend I'm not. It's not cool,
is it, to be excited about
Legoland? It IS cool to be excited.
I brought this for you. Uh-oh.
Condoms? Oh.
Condoms? We're not going to
have sex in Legoland, are we?
I don't want to have
sex at Legoland.
What man have you been out with
for whom that is the
size of their condom?
Is that why you're
never happy with me?
It's so beautiful.
Do you reckon anyone's
ever come out of Legoland,
"Do you know what? I
really found myself."
It just makes you realise
how insignificant you are.
We're just all tiny bricks.
Yeah, right. In
life's rich tapestry.
It's Knight-apostrophe-S
Kingdom,
which suggests there's
only one knight.
But I think there'd
be loads of knights.
Do you think that's
why we're meeting here?
Cos this show's called One
Night In and that's a knight.
Do you think they're going to
call it One Knight with a K?
Silent letters are
weird, aren't they?
I've never talked to
you about this before.
No couple has discussed
silent letters.
Yeah, but why? Why do they exist?
Why can't I just call it...?
Even Gyles Brandreth
at the height of climax
doesn't say, "Isn't it weird
that there are silent letters!?"
- Hello!
- Hello.
Hello there. You all right?
That seemed quite tense.
We were talking
about silent letters.
Lucy was talking about how
the K is silent in knight.
I'll tell you what -
this is going to fly by!
Lovely to see you. Imagine that,
but at four in the morning.
Well, shall we just go for it?
Yeah. We've got the whole thing.
I don't even know what
Merlin's Challenge is.
You can just go on
whatever you want.
For their first
taste of Legoland
our four are daring to take
on Merlin's Challenge -
a children's ride for
anyone over 90 centimetres.
LUCY: So did you know
that I don't like rides?
No. I've got a phobia of
anything that goes fast.
I've never done a forward roll.
I mean, you're asking me
to go on a roller-coaster.
I've never gone upside
down on a carpet.
You all right, Lucy?
I'm not going to go.
I know, I'm going
to pass on this.
I've just done a recce -
it's fraught with danger.
Shall I just watch and wave?
Yeah. OK.
You sure, Lucy?
No, I just... I'll regret it,
like, on my deathbed or summat.
You've married me, you'll
have bigger regrets than
not going on Merlin's Challenge.
I've basically been
scared of everything.
But do you know what it was?
I was born six weeks premature
and they put a suction cup
to my head, apparently, and
I was ventouse vacuumed out.
You know where they suck
you out really quick?
I think that's why I
don't like fast rides.
Good luck. Thank you.
Are we ready? Do your
best, Merlin. Let's go.
Don't worry, there's a
qualified operator on hand
to fire this baby up.
Oh, here we go.
GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS -Oh!
-Whee!
Oh, that's fun!
Yeah, it's all right.
This is all right, actually.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's not very fast now.
ALEX: Whoa, it's got
a little kick to it!
LUCY: That's gone
rogue, it's gone rogue.
Whoa, it goes down
the hill really fast.
All right, Merlin,
don't be a dick.
Stop it.
Are you all right?
Do you want to get off?
Alex is going to
be sick. Oh, God.
RETCHES
Shouldn't have had a Diet
Coke just before getting on.
Whee-hee-hee!
I felt like Merlin's Challenge
would have more of a quiz element.
I'm so glad I didn't go on it.
That looked terrifying,
I'll be honest.
Oh, dear. What'd
you think of that?
That was a livener. Got
less respect for Merlin.
I did feel like I had
three sons at one point.
Who's your favourite?
Josh. I like Josh the most.
You could have done that. I...
Well, no. I want things
that go like that.
- Like waltzers?
- Not waltzers.
It's that and that I don't like.
That was the first moment
you two looked to me
as a sort of interpreter.
"I don't mind that. I don't
like that." And you both went...
I'll be honest with you, if
Lucy can't handle that...
it's just going to
be an evening of Lucy
watching us do children's rides.
Shall we go and explore? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got a special
mode of transport for us.
Is this it? Do I get to jump on the
back like we're in Jurassic Park?
LUCY: Does it go fast?
Erm...
Not compared to a regular car,
but it does compared
to Merlin's Challenge.
I'll be honest, I get a thrill
out of just being in a vehicle
that's being driven
by someone else.
It's already a dig at me,
you see. No, it's not.
Cos I don't have a
driver's license yet.
Go. Indistinguishable from...
Oh, it's like being on safari,
in't it? It is, isn't it?
It's 7:10PM and, as the sun
goes down over Legoland...
Why don't we stop
here? This looks good.
They're off to explore the park.
What's first on the bucket list?
Am I allowed down the slide?
You can go down the slide.
While our four have the whole
theme park to themselves,
we'll be sending
them instructions
to help guide them
through the night.
Who here likes rules?
I like rules.
Yes!
"There are just a few rules
to follow while you're here."
Just a few? You wanted
more, didn't you?
"If the phone gives you an
instruction, you must follow it.
"There will be challenges."
Oh.
"Whoever wins the most will be
exempt from cleaning duties.
"The rest of you will ensure
Legoland's 100 million bricks
"are looking their best
before the park reopens.
"Enjoy your one
night in Legoland."
So basically one of
us has got to win.
Yeah. Let's not worry too
much about going head-to-head.
Sounds like
somebody's frightened.
There will be no
cleaning for me tonight,
thank you very much.
First off, they're heading
away from the main attractions
to Planet Legoland, the place
where all the bricks are kept.
Do you want me to go in here?
Let's go in. ALEX:
And just open up.
Ooh!
Planet Legoland is an immersive
area where kids of all ages
dream up their own
Lego creations.
Look at all this Lego.
LUCY: Now we're really getting
to the nitty gritty of it.
Can I nick a bit? I'm not
used to this. This is...
Shove it in your pocket.
They're not going to know.
Shall we go to the
Model Making Studio?
Is this where they build all
the things, do you think?
ALEX: I'm really good at Lego.
I've been making the
Ghostbusters ECTO-1 car
and it's got, like, something
like 3,000 pieces. It's mad.
Do you reckon there are professional
Lego-ers that build this stuff?
Brooks, you've got a job.
Seemingly, Alex thinks there's
a skill and he's good at Lego.
I think he needs to
learn that isn't a thing.
Oh, wow. Look at all this.
Oh. Are you allowed in
here? It says staff only.
Staff and minifigures
only. Look at Big Ben.
NASALLY: It's actually
St Stephen's Tower.
Oh, for crying out loud!
Model Making Department.
Authorised personnel only.
BEEP
Looks like you're authorised.
Wow.
Whoa! Look at that.
Coming up, Jon's worst
nightmare comes true...
Watch this, mate.
You prick.
And Lucy starts bricking it.
The Duplo Dino Coaster!
It's 8:49PM at the
Legoland Windsor Resort,
where comedians Josh
Widdicombe, Alex Brooker,
Lucy Beaumont and Jon Richardson
have after-hours access to
every part of the theme park.
Authorised personnel only.
BEEP
Looks like you're authorised.
Wow. Whoa. Look at that.
This isn't for punters, is it?
This is like the engine
room of Legoland.
Christ! Amazing, isn't it?
This is the Model Making Studio,
where a team of highly
skilled master builders
create every character, castle
and construction in the park.
Complex models can take five
people up to six months to build,
but the awesome engineering isn't
the first thing to catch their eye.
Look at these. Look
how organised that is.
Every single brick has been
meticulously classified
and sorted into trays.
It's basically what Jon's mind would
look like if it was made of Lego.
Jon, would that annoy you,
that there were, like,
yellow bits in the green?
Oh, yeah, what's the point
in having a system...?
Jon, watch this, mate.
Don't...
You prick.
Why would you do that?
How good is this?
Give it a kiss!
LUCY: What is it?
It's the World Cup. Oh!
Time for the first
challenge of the night.
PHONE CHIMES Text message.
"Build something
amazing in 15 minutes."
We've been married seven years,
and it takes longer than that to
build something amazing, right?
LUCY GAGS
Your time starts now.
Right. 15 minutes.
Oh, God, right.
I want that.
Someone's got an idea.
You have? What is it?
I'm not going to tell you, am I?
I think Lego can be stressful.
It can bring out
the worst in people.
Taking it a bit seriously, mate,
if you don't mind me saying.
Oh, shit.
I went in there with a dream
to build staircase from
the end scene of Labyrinth,
based on the MC Escher painting,
and I had a slight panic.
Balls.
In an attempt to
win the challenge,
I may have incorporated someone
else's work into my own.
Just going to nick something
and pretend I built it.
ALEX: Those black one?
Yeah, here you go.
Oh, yeah. I've
got too many bits.
Oh, my God. How
have you made that?
What's Jon doing? Bloody
hell! Look at that!
Fucking hell, Jon.
You could work here.
How have you made it spherical?
And I didn't want to say,
"Clearly, I haven't."
Who are you, MC Escher?
What's going on?
People are losing track
of time, and they thought,
somehow in seven seconds,
I had completed a very
complex, curved piece of Lego.
It's insane what Jon has done.
How do you know how to do that?
It's just simple,
basic Lego, innit?
Come on, guys. You
haven't got all night.
I mean, you have, but
not just for this.
PHONE CHIMES Oh, time's up.
No, it's not. Time
is anything but up.
Well, I'm just going to stop.
I've done a cream tea.
LUCY: Oh, that's brilliant.
So you've got two scones
with the jam and the cream,
and then you've got the
mug with the tea in it.
Just spilt some tea.
Alex?
I did Josh.
That's how far I've got.
Have to take points off cos
you've done him smiling.
And Lucy?
I've just done, like, a little
car delivering a turkey.
SHE IMITATES CAR ENGINE
Hang on, Lucy, I'll
get Ocado on the line.
It's like conceptual,
and it's to do with, like,
a lack of HGV drivers.
It's nice, actually, I like it.
This is like liquid gold, so
that's sunshine pouring out.
ALEX: That is incredible.
That is genuinely really good.
Thanks, mate.
PHONE CHIMES
The winner of the
challenge is...
Josh Widdicombe.
Whoa! Lovely cream tea.
Well done, Josh.
Made that. CLATTERING
Good luck breaking mine -
it's glued together cos I
stole this from over there.
No! Absolute piece of...
Lego. You're scum.
I nicked it.
I'm gonna nick this.
Oh!
That's backfired.
This is what they don't
tell you about theft.
Sometimes you reach
in to steal some Lego
and there's an
unknown liquid on it.
This is how much
you've upset me.
Oh, no.
It's nice to see Jon and
Alex lose, isn't it? I think.
And what's sweetest about this
is Alex said he was good at Lego,
which I think we've
proven is bullshit.
ALEX: I still maintain
that I'm good at Lego.
I actually thought he'd want to
keep it, but I'll keep it then.
I'll keep it.
Winner. Let's go.
That's it, Josh.
Leave it for the
losers to clean up,
With a massive theme
park all to themselves,
no area is off limits
for these two couples.
Have any of you ever
been on a double date?
Oh, no. I've barely
been on single dates.
What, like, with each
other and another couple?
Yeah. Or you mean like
a gang bang or...?
No, I don't mean a gang bang.
Our four are on their way
to the part of Legoland
called Duplo Valley,
an area of the park specially
designed for pre-schoolers.
LUCY: So is this like a
gateway into Lego, Duplo?
Gets them hooked early?
Yeah, it's like cannabis.
Why don't we stop
here? This looks good.
Fairytale Brook.
Closed. Not to us.
LUCY: Ooh!
Probably would have
been easier going over.
LAUGHTER Fair enough.
Oh, I can hear water.
I'm going to say Fairytale Brook
doesn't sound very high octane.
ALEX: No. But in the dark...
Josh, Alex, Lucy and Jon
have stumbled over Legoland's very
own fairy-tale-based water ride.
Surely even Lucy can't
back out of this?
Do you guys want to make out?
Yeah, it does feel like
suddenly we've taken you...
You've taken us
to make-out point.
Oh. LUCY: Lovely.
Does this feel like
a double date to you?
- Oh, my God.
- It does, doesn't it?
There was slightly
something weird about
doing a romantic boat
ride with a couple.
I almost said the words
"another couple" then.
LUCY: Do you sometimes feel
like you're in a relationship,
like a non-sexual relationship?
Non-sexual is an
interesting term.
I was going to say
it would help me out
if you didn't play the expert
on non-sexual relationships.
They really go for the tits
on some of these statues.
Bosoms. Don't they?
Oh, this is nice. Love this.
This is like those caves in Italy,
isn't it, where the water glows?
I loved that.
Is that bad that I really enjoyed
that more than any other ride
I've ever been on in my life?
It was so relaxing.
I think Legoland needs to
remarket as an adult-only.
Adult-only is the wrong word.
Well, that was fun.
- I really enjoyed that.
- That was nice.
I feel like we shared something.
Yeah, it was like a mini
cruise. It was, yeah.
Having got Lucy on a water ride,
Josh is keen to up the ante.
I have brought us to
the Duplo Dino Coaster!
Whoa. Ooh!
I've been to Alton Towers three
times and never gone on anything.
I mean, there's not many people who
could say that, really, is there?
Whoa!
We went to Disney World for our
honeymoon. I held Jon's coat.
Maybe I need to, like,
go for it, you know,
and, like, look
danger in the eye.
The Duplo Dino Coaster
is an absolute beast.
Towering at a nosebleed-inducing
height of almost three metres,
it can reach a barely
perceptible top speed of 8mph.
Surely this is
Lucy's dream ride.
Guests must be a minimum
of 90 centimetres to ride.
I'm going to go for it. You're
going to go for it? There we go.
This doesn't go upside down, does
it? ALEX: No. Well, we'll see.
LUCY: I mean, if it does,
summat's gone wrong. Yeah.
I think we can all agree,
Lucy is scared of life.
That's why she married
Jon Richardson.
Right. Shall we all do a runner?
Do you want to go second, Jon?
Why, do you think
she's going to barf?
No, I just thought you might
want to be close to your wife
for her first experience
on a roller-coaster.
It looks OK, doesn't it?
I'm all right. Yeah? Yeah?
Oh, the ascent, the ascent!
Whoa!
LUCY: Wahhhhhh!
Wahhhhhh!
ALEX: I thought that
was a siren on the ride!
I don't know if Lucy was on a
different roller-coaster to us
because she seemed to
have ridden Oblivion
and I felt like I'd been
on a miniature railway.
LUCY SCREAMS
It's the suspense,
isn't it? And then...
And then that's when you get
that feeling and you're like,
"I can't take any
more," and then it stops
and then you think,
"Oh, ride's done,"
and it's, "No, go round again."
It was... It was electrifying.
I mean, I'm no Evel Knievel,
but that was pretty
pedestrian, wasn't it?
Oh, was it?
I feel elated, actually.
I feel like... I feel
like an Olympian.
That was as fast as I could go.
So is this just nothing
compared to, like..?
Not really.
Even that bit where it drops?
LAUGHTER
I've overcome a phobia.
Yeah. That's big, innit?
That's a big thing. Massive.
I think you've done a
really good job there.
I think that's me done now.
I'm going to retire
from roller-coasting.
Shall we go and
have a walk round?
Yeah.
Yeah, that'll probably
be quicker than that was.
Coming up, things get
fast and furious...
Coming up the inside!
Oi! Oh, contact.
And Lucy teaches Josh a lesson.
Go like that and then...
By day, Legoland attracts
thousands of visitors
flocking to see its
intricate brick creations.
But tonight the
tourists have gone home
and best friends Josh and Alex
and married comedians Jon and Lucy
have been left to
explore every inch
of this massive
children's theme park.
Right. Back in the
Brooker. Wagons roll!
Gonna turn round.
We're going that-a-way.
ALEX: Driving school?
Josh is taking
them to Lego City,
a part of the park where kids
get to pretend to be grown-ups.
Perfect place for
the next challenge.
Do you feel like you're
competitive people?
LUCY: I'm just not good enough
for anything to be competitive.
At school I was good at putting
the mats away at the end of PE.
Here we are. Driving school.
Will this help me pass my test?
Have you not passed
your test? No.
Everyone's favourite
attraction, the Driving School,
is where 6 to 13-year-olds get
their first go behind the wheel.
It gives out around a
quarter of a million
Lego driving
licences every year.
Lucy, you might be in luck.
PHONE CHIMES Text message.
Oh, my God.
What? It's Two for
Tuesday with the Papa.
"In the UK..." Yeah.
"most people fail their
driving test first time around.
"To earn a Lego
driver's license,
"you must complete
a lap of the track.
"Best driver wins."
Failed first time?
Failed first time. But
it wasn't my fault.
The guy in front, he was going too
slow, so I overtook him on a hill.
You shouldn't do that.
On your driving test?
Did you fail first time, Jon?
Come on, mate.
Passed first time. Two minors.
Two minors?! One for
excessive caution.
Didn't Alex go past you while
you were doing your test?
Shall we go in?
Oh, you really wanted to take
that chain off, didn't you?
I wanted to take the chain off
then I noticed there's no chain.
Just take that one
off anyway. Yeah.
LOUD CLANG Whoa!
Can you put that back on?
Oh, look at the little cars!
I really want to see how good the
cautious driver Jon Richardson is.
The tricky course is designed to
challenge even the most talented
of primary schoolchildren,
but which of our grown-ups
will come out on top?
ALEX: We going red, Josh. Yeah.
This is a stitch up, this
- you two in the Ferraris.
I'll take 'em all on. I may
seem demure, you know, petite,
but once the killer instincts
kick in, I'm a ninja warrior.
MUSIC: Sabotage
by Beastie Boys
Oh, here we go!
We got we've got
the racing line.
Oh, no!
Why's it topped?
Oh!
See you later! Weaving
through the traffic.
Wrong way, Lucy! What?
Where's she going?
Where are you going?
Rules are important, especially
when you're driving a vehicle.
When Lucy went that way,
that is a really good visual
illustration of what happens
in her mind while I'm talking,
and she just goes, "Nah."
Oi! He's coming up the inside"
See you later.
ALEX: I couldn't feel that
pedal underneath my prosthetic.
Oi! Oh, contact.
So I couldn't brake cos
I couldn't move my leg.
Oh, no!
I've stopped. I've lost power!
Yeah!
I mean that was bullshit, right?
I just made a lovely
move through the traffic,
and then my effing car cut out.
LUCY: I'm in the lead.
Nyaoow!
Could I be Hull's first
female Formula 1 driver?
Just don't know, do we?
I have to get my theory first,
which I have
struggled with a bit.
I'm the winner!
Oh, come on.
Less fast and furious,
more last and furious.
I've stopped again!
This is absurd.
Someone needs to put
50p in the meter here.
This is why you
need the staff here.
What a way to spend my
one night at Legoland.
LUCY: Victory tastes so sweet.
Well, I mean, we'll wait to
get the text to see who won.
Well done, Lucy.
What happened there is that
you cut half the course off
and then drove straight
through the slalom.
I won. I dominated the
track. That's what I did.
I was everywhere. I
was Two-lanes Lucy.
ALEX: Two-lanes Lucy!
It sounds like a nickname
a girl at school has...
You know she goes in both lanes.
Oh, she's just broken up with
Couldn't Get It Going Josh.
Isn't that right?
My car didn't work
and then it did work,
and now I've gone too far
away to even enjoy the banter.
PHONE CHIMES
The results are in.
The winner of the
driving school challenge,
unbelievably,
is Lucy.
ALEX, LAUGHING: Two-lanes Lucy.
Two-lanes!
It was a battle of
the sexes and I won.
Thank you. Thank you so
much. Where's the champagne?
She seemed really pleased.
And also...
I know how much it
would've wound up Jon.
Lovely.
You go like that, don't you?
What you've done there is you've
cost us two failed driving tests.
That's what you've done there.
I can hear the argument now
outside the test centre.
"But I never had to go the right
way round a roundabout before."
No-one likes a sore loser, Jon.
Right, then, guys, seeing as I'm
the winner, I'm going to drive.
- Is that all right?
- Yeah.
Lucy can drive if she wants
- she's earned it. She's won.
I'm not going to begrudge
her driving the buggy.
Go for it. Take it on.
LUCY: Come on, then, bitches.
God, everyone's so much
more relaxed than I am.
Aw.
JON LAUGHS
Is one of the reasons
Lucy's never driven because
it's too tense having
you as a passenger?
Yeah, I make no bones... She
wants me to teach her to drive.
Oh, no.
I mean, I've always said,
I'm a thinker, not a driver,
but now I'm not so sure.
ALEX: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That is not the noise you want.
I feel like a driving instructor.
Be honest, was that
a major or a minor?
Jeez Louise.
I was frightened beyond the
capacity to make a noise.
Ooh!
Could we have a little chat
about accelerating into a bend?
You very much take the
racing line, don't you?
LUCY: Whoa! Oh, my God.
How did we not see any
of that? That's a tree!
It's very hard, as
the husband, to say,
"This isn't a man woman issue - this
is a simple matter of human safety."
What's wonderful is that whether
we were going to hit it or not,
it wouldn't have affected
whether we carried on going.
I think pull up round here,
mate. Yeah, this looks good.
Yeah. And also
we're still alive.
Yeah, my style was a
bit different. Yeah.
What would you rate me, then,
if I was your Uber driver?
ALEX: Four stars.
It was a big step for me.
And I smashed it.
Oh, that was the
scariest ride yet.
It's 1:32 in the morning
and, with Alex back
in the driver's seat,
our two couples are on the
hunt for a dinner venue.
What would you like for
your midnight feast?
I've got you
covered here. Right?
I've brought loads of food.
I hope it's not made
of Lego or something.
Like, I don't want him to
make it on a Lego stove.
ALEX: What have you brought?
Like sweets and that?
No, more sort of...
healthy food for us,
good for the planet vibe.
He's vegan so let's go vegan cheese,
but actually I'd prefer Lego.
Why don't we do it
in the place that sounds most
delicious - Skeleton Bay?
LUCY: This is quite exciting.
This is romantic, isn't it?
Yeah! I've got my bag of tricks.
Yeah? What I haven't brought
is cups and things like that.
Can you smash into the shop?
You make your shit food and
we'll get on with it. Right.
I'll meet you back here, then, in
a bit. ALEX: OK, then. All right.
I told them I didn't
have cutlery and crockery
but I've actually got loads -
I just wanted to get rid
of them while I cook.
I'm going to make a
nice jackfruit salad.
It's nice and light, is zingy,
it's going to wake everyone up.
LUCY: Oh, look. Oh. They've
made a Lego statue of me.
Oh, wow.
ALEX: Oh, look at
that. Look at that!
LUCY: Oooh!
Whoa, here we bloody go.
What do I want? What can I
have? Just whatever you want.
Sunglasses. They suit you. You
look like you're a DJ in Ibiza.
Oh, this is a lovely blade.
They're going to say
they don't like it
because really, they all
lack the emotional maturity
to admit that something
quite profound has happened.
Hello.
I'm absolutely wired.
Look at my eyes.
Shall we get some Crunchies
in case Jon's food's rubbish?
Shall we get some
Pringles as well?
That's what
jackfruit looks like.
If you imagine wet,
flavourless pineapple.
Am I allowed to strain
my juice into the lake?
Go like that. Oh, bloody
hell! You're good!
Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa! Aargh!
Shall we go and see
how Jon's doing? Yeah.
ALARM BEEPS JOSH LAUGHS
ALEX: You go out.
Go!
We've just been in a shop with
hundreds of pounds' worth of Lego...
I've got the Crunchie!
And what we've stolen is
lentil chips and Crunchies.
It's like if you went into a bank
and you just stole the plastic pens.
Table for three? Yes, please.
Ooh! I don't have any tables.
Floor for three?
Now, don't take offence,
but I've just brought
some stuff just in case.
You brought Pringles!
And a Crunchie.
Let's have a look.
That's vegan pastrami.
Vegan pastrami?
Vegan gherkins
and the piece of resistance -
jackfruit ceviche.
Oh! Oh, wow.
I'd rather have a lentil
crisp than eat Jon's food.
Does anyone want to try this?
ALEX: I'll try it, please, yeah.
LUCY: It's late and he's
making us jackfruit.
ALEX: No-one after a
night out has gone,
"Tell you what I need
- jackfruit." Yeah.
It's very chilly, isn't it?
It's got a kick to it, innit?
I've just put just enough chilli
in to make you soil your pants.
Oh, my God.
Tomorrow, when we're
not together any more,
when you go to the toilet,
you'll just get that tingle on
your anus and you'll think of me.
I might, like, get into this, like,
vegan food. You've converted me.
And all I had to do was
lock you in Legoland
and send you delirious at 3AM.
Coming up, Alex goes
from Josh's saviour...
It was quite shocking,
actually, the power of the man.
To petty behaviour.
It's 2:47AM.
While Kate, Wills and the rest
of Windsor are tucked up in bed,
down the road four comedians
have the run of Legoland.
PHONE CHIMES Oh, text message.
"More kids want to
become a firefighter
"than a professional
footballer."
Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
ALEX: They don't know
what footballers get paid.
Yeah. Yeah.
"Do you have the skills
to be a firefighter?
"Head to the Fire
Academy to find out."
Right. Let's go. Let's
go. Shall we run there?
Oh, it's gone all Crystal Maze.
The Fire Academy is
a life-size replica
of one of the most
popular Lego sets,
where kids, or in our
case comedians, ie kids,
can learn how to be
real life firefighters.
LUCY: Oh, look at this.
It's nice, isn't it?
Wouldn't you like the
world to be like this?
On fire?
PHONE CHIMES Right.
"Prove your fitness,
speed and teamwork
"on the firefighter
assault course.
"Extinguish the fire
"then give your team-mate a
fireman's lift back to base."
You've got to be kidding.
Do you think I can
fireman's lift you?
I don't know. Are you strong?
Well, I went to this
martial arts thing
where you learn how to kill a
man with a stick in three moves.
I'm so used to being told by
Lucy, "I know how to kill a man,"
I forget what it's like to
see people react to this.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Now run at me. Run at me. Run
at me. I'm not running at you!
Aargh! Come on,
then. You ran away!
Shall we just knock
each other out?
Do you know what? This is normally
how a night ends in a city centre.
I didn't expect Legoland -
"Come on, then! You want some?"
Me and Josh just backed off -
"Let them sort this out
between themselves."
Right. Brooker lifts
me, Jon lifts Lucy.
And let's be honest, I've been
carrying you for nine years.
I knew it was coming!
A lot of fun. A lot of
fun. Right, let's fire.
For this challenge, they have
to race their fire engines
to the burning buildings,
put out the pretend fire
and carry their partner
back to the start.
The first pair back wins.
Never been in a
fire engine before.
I don't think I'd be a
good firefighter, no.
I mean, I don't think I'd
make it down the pole.
I find that too scary, let
alone putting out a fire.
You need to put it
in gear this way.
Don't help them.
If your house is burning and
I come in, you'd be like,
"Oh, that's it, we're
saved now, ain't we?"
No. I look like I've BEEN a
fireman and got out of the game.
LUCY: We're gonna whoop your
ass. Ready. Steady. Go. Go!
ALEX: We're doing it!
Pump harder! Come on!
We're so good at pumping.
They're overtaking!
OK, time to put the fire out.
Do you want to pump or do
you want to do the thingy?
I'll do the thingy.
It's not working! It is.
LUCY: Get it in the hole.
Oh, God!
ALEX: Keep going! Keep
pumping! Keep pumping!
You want to aim this one?
LUCY: I am trying!
It doesn't do it!
It was hard to aim right.
I'm not used to it,
you know, us ladies.
We don't have that trouble do
we? Don't need to aim correctly.
Aim it in the hole! I'm
trying to aim it in the...
ALEX: What's going on?
Yeah, that's it. That's it.
Oh, I got splashed.
You're doing it, Brooker! This
is it. We're almost there!
BELL CLANGS
Oh, that's it!
Quick, quick, quick!
Fire's out, fire's out. Right.
MUSIC: Holding Out For
A Hero by Bonnie Tyler
What are you taking your
coat off? Safety first.
On my shoulder.
Whoa! Oh, my God.
You don't need to go so
fast! I'll save you, Josh!
LUCY: Don't fall over!
ALEX: I'll save
you! I'll save you!
Are you safe? Yeah.
All right, then.
I saved you. My hero!
LUCY: Aw!
Oh, my hero!
It was quite shocking,
actually, the power of the man.
How did I end up doing
pumping and carrying?
LUCY: I'm pleased you've, you
know, taken it to the next level.
It was amazing. I felt
like I was Whitney Houston
and you were Kevin Costner.
Aw!
ALEX: Yeah, I do
feel closer to him.
I literally had his
crotch on my shoulder.
So... that's why
I've got changed.
PHONE CHIMES
Congratulations, Josh and Alex.
Yes. You won that challenge.
You disgraced us, actually.
Oh, thanks, mate.
ALEX: Where's that
hi-vis come from?
I thought you might try and
lose me when it was dark,
so I brought hi-vis so
you can see where I am.
Of course Jon's got hi-vis.
Just when you think he
couldn't get less sexy.
I've still got it on now.
I'm not taking it off.
Have you been carrying
that our whole marriage?
Yeah.
And a flare.
I treat every day as if it's a
potentially dangerous situation.
I'm wearing a condom.
You can't be too careful.
Shall I carry you over the
threshold? Why not? Come on.
Whoa!
There we go.
That is degrading!
ALEX: Where to next?
Shall we go and
see the Miniland?
Oh, it's very good.
I like small things.
Thanks, mate.
Located in the heart of
the theme park is Miniland.
This miniature world
features famous landmarks
replicated using a staggering
49 million Lego bricks.
I wonder if it's got a
tiny version of Legoland
with a tiny version of Miniland,
with a tiny... Yeah, well,
yeah, you get the idea.
The world's going to feel very
big when we wake up, innit?
ALEX: That's Vegas. Very nice.
LUCY: Do you know
me and Jon went?
You went to Vegas? He said,
"Right, let's go do some gambling,"
and he got a tenner out,
one for him and one for me.
I've been to Australia and I
genuinely prefer this version.
Lucy's gone to sleep.
Has Lucy fallen asleep?
Yeah, I think she went
somewhere around Sydney.
It's the jet lag, innit?
Right, shall we have a look?
She's gone.
I've never been more
jealous of anyone
than I currently am
of Lucy Beaumont.
Cos she gets to
wake up next to me?
Absolutely not.
Before they all copy Lucy...
PHONE CHIMES
let's reveal the overall
winner of the night.
The person who won the most
challenges tonight is...
Josh. Yes!
Go and put your feet up.
The rest of you must ensure
that all of Legoland's
100 million bricks are looking
their best before the park reopens.
Finally, I have won.
I can't believe how happy I am.
Winning is glorious because
I'm literally a minute or two
from my sleeping bag
and I feel phenomenal.
What clinched it, Josh,
was that Lego tea and
scones you made. Well done.
I'm pleased for you, I suppose.
Is that what I'm meant to say?
I just want to go to sleep.
I've got to clean.
Just jump over?
I guess so, yeah.
Oh...
♪ Breaking the law
Breaking the law. ♪
As long as you don't
knock anything over.
Oh, sugar.
CRUNCH Oh.
Perfect.
The boys are cleaning the park
just like the staff have to -
with toothbrushes.
It's quite satisfying, actually,
but I think I'm going to get
bored around the millionth brick.
I like cleaning, but I
resent cleaning Legoland
at four o'clock in the morning.
Is there literally a more
futile way to spend your time
than polishing pretend
coal with a toothbrush?
Wipe his bum-bum.
Clean your bot-bot.
I said it at the time, and
I mean it even more now -
I didn't think his tea
and scones was up to much.
FRENCH ACCENT:
Meanwhile, a Paris...
Is Moulin Rouge a brothel, Josh?
It's not a brothel, no.
It's a kind of sexy dance place,
isn't it, that's kind of arty?
Like Stringfellows?
Eh...
It's been a very pleasant
night, hasn't it?
Yeah, it's been ace.
I think I've had one of
the best times of my life.
I've really loved every
minute. Are you high?
Did you and Josh
smoke something?
I drove us across
America on our honeymoon.
And you've had a good time...
in Legoland.
We've built Lego and
we've built memories.
Would I do it again?
No.
JOSH LAUGHS
Good evening. Welcome to Paris.
ALEX: I brought this for you.
LUCY: Aw. Oh, thank you.
ALEX: Since we've
done all the cleaning,
did you want to just
clean this last bit?
Not really, it's not
really part of the deal.
That's what I think of
your bloody tea and scones.
It's been good though,
hasn't it? It's been amazing.
We found toothbrushes for you both
as well, so you can clean your teeth
before you go to bed. LUCY:
Oh, thank you. Thanks.
Give your teeth a good scrub.
ALEX: No worries, mate.
Right. That's it. Get right in
round the back ones as well.
Really... And the tongue.
Well, Brooker, it's
been a wonderful night.
It's been brilliant. I've
had some great adventures
and now I'm going
to close my eyes.
Night, boys. Night, Alex.
Night-night.
Those tooth brushes, they were
different ones, were they,
to the ones you cleaned
the bricks with?
Jon? Yeah.
LAUGHTER
So as the series
comes to an end,
it's time for Josh and Alex to
reflect on all the adventures
they've shared together.
I'm going to miss
the all-nighters.
Yeah. I just think we've got
on much better than anyone
has any right to get on when
they're tired that much.
I'd love to do this again.
I'd love to see him again.
Is this First Dates?
MUSIC: I've Had The Time Of My Life
by Bill Medley & Jennifer Warnes
You all right, Neymar?
I feel like I'm
picking up Paddington.
This is mortifying.
HORN BLARES
Is that how you park a boat?
All of this is going to be
ours on our own in a bit.
Oh! No hands! All right, mate.
Oh, my God! Argh!
See you later, loser!
THEY SCREAM
Oh, my hero!
Whoa!
It's genuinely been
a great adventure.
I love you.
You're my best friend!
We're like two Lego pieces.
Yeah?
Just...
Two Lego pieces that
have just been...
Stuck together...
stuck together.
Isn't that nice?
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
strong language
As Britain heads bed-wards
and off goes the light
and we, in our jim-jams,
turn in for the night
somewhere, a legendary tourist
attraction is about to witness
some out-of-hours action.
They've given the keys
and opened the gates
to two of the country's
very best mates.
This is madness.
JOSH SHRIEKS
You're not normally allowed
to do this sort of thing.
Brilliant!
Comedians Josh Widdicombe
and Alex Brooker are going
on an adventure of a lifetime.
Oi!
Look at that!
As a nine-year-old,
I dreamed of this.
There's no-one here. So good.
We are an odd couple.
HIGH VOICE: Hello,
Josh. All right, mate?
Oh, my God. I do not like that.
We've got absolutely nothing in
common, but we get on very well.
Hello. Oh, mate.
But they won't be on their own.
They've also invited some lucky
mates to share the night with them.
MAKES CREAKING SOUND
Oh!
Nothing's off limits as
they're left unsupervised
for the whole night.
I feel like Robin Hood.
LAUGHTER
To make sure they don't
fall asleep on us,
we'll set them challenges
wherever they go...
"Do something do you think
has never been done before."
You get a fish!
You get a fish!
And put their friendship
to the test...
I'll save you! I'll save you!
Like never before.
You're my best mate.
I love you, pal.
It does feel a bit like
we're going to star
in our own kind of
little buddy film.
Which is worrying cos that
mainly makes you think
of Thelma and Louise.
I hope it's one
with a happy ending.
Oh, God! SCREAMING
This week, Alex and Josh
are joined by married couple
Lucy Beaumont and
Jon Richardson...
Jon!
As they're let loose in the
UK's favourite kids' theme park.
Four mates,
100 million toy bricks,
no grown-ups.
This is One Night In Lego land.
Come on, Brooker. Come on, mate.
Oh, I just hope I'm in the
right place, to be honest.
MUSIC BLARES: Ride Wit Me
by Nelly ft St Lunatics
All right?
What the... is this?
It's my own
personalised golf buggy.
You look like you're about
to lose a Top Gear challenge.
Look. Dice. No, I can
see the dice, mate.
It's brilliant. Honestly, get
in. You'll love it. Right.
I'm going to get in the
front. Seat belt. Ready?
Whoa-ho-ho-ho.
Legoland. Here we go.
Yeah.
That's right. The boys are
heading off to Legoland.
Every year, the theme park
welcomes millions of visitors
who are loopy about Lego.
But it's not all about bricks.
They've got 55 rides and a 4D
theatre that you fly through.
A night here is every
kid's dream come true.
When I was seven, I dreamed
of going to Legoland,
but it was in Denmark.
No-one went to
Denmark on holiday.
We went to Pembroke
in South Wales.
This is like dream fulfilment
for seven-year-old Josh.
Were you into Lego as a kid?
This isn't as bleak
as what it sounds,
but I didn't have as much hand
function when I was a kid.
Oh, God.
So it wasn't one of
the toys they'd get me.
I've massively got into it now.
So you do Lego in
your spare time.
Yeah. I find it quite relaxing.
Have you ever had
sex with a woman?
I know people would assume
that I'd be rubbish at Lego.
But it's actually... I'm all
right. I'm good at it, if anything.
Because I've got small fingers I
can get into, like, the little gaps.
HORNS BEEPING Alex.
I don't want to...
alarm you, but
there's a tailback.
Yeah, they're getting a good glimpse
at how good this motor is, mate.
This is mortifying.
HORN BLARES
Oh!
Are you into Lego
now, as an adult?
Why? I'm 38!
As always, they've invited
friends along for the night.
This time it's a double date.
Waiting for them in Miniland
are comedians and married couple
Jon Richardson and Lucy Beaumont.
This is Paris. I'm
taking you to Paris.
We've been to Paris, haven't we?
We have, yeah, but we didn't
feel this big last time.
Do you remember when you took me
to Paris, you took me to a bridge
where everyone was proposing
and you bent down to
do your shoelace up
and then just got back up?
I wondered why you were
grumpy all that holiday.
I'm quite looking forward to
seeing how our chemistry is
compared to a natural
married couple.
Yeah. currently, I feel like a
couple that have been together
30 years and hate each other.
I think Alex and Josh are
in trouble, don't you?
Yeah, they're going
to be like mediators.
Yeah.
Jon was into Lego, isn't he?
I didn't know that really
that that was such a big thing
in men of our age. Yeah,
loads of people do it.
You sound like you're trying to talk
me into going swinging with you.
Here we are. Oh, my God.
I know this sounds...
There's Lego everywhere.
Yeah, they've really
gone with the theme.
There's definitely a theme.
It's a whole 156 acres dedicated
to the world's most
successful toy brand - Lego.
And tonight the tourists have gone
home, the staff have locked up
and four comedians will
be locked in overnight.
It's exciting, isn't it? Like
just there's no-one here.
So good. It's just
so, like, serene.
Oh, mate, this is it.
This is what Legoland
was made for.
JON: Are you excited? LUCY: Yeah,
I'm quite excited now, actually.
It's cool, innit? I'm trying to
pretend I'm not. It's not cool,
is it, to be excited about
Legoland? It IS cool to be excited.
I brought this for you. Uh-oh.
Condoms? Oh.
Condoms? We're not going to
have sex in Legoland, are we?
I don't want to have
sex at Legoland.
What man have you been out with
for whom that is the
size of their condom?
Is that why you're
never happy with me?
It's so beautiful.
Do you reckon anyone's
ever come out of Legoland,
"Do you know what? I
really found myself."
It just makes you realise
how insignificant you are.
We're just all tiny bricks.
Yeah, right. In
life's rich tapestry.
It's Knight-apostrophe-S
Kingdom,
which suggests there's
only one knight.
But I think there'd
be loads of knights.
Do you think that's
why we're meeting here?
Cos this show's called One
Night In and that's a knight.
Do you think they're going to
call it One Knight with a K?
Silent letters are
weird, aren't they?
I've never talked to
you about this before.
No couple has discussed
silent letters.
Yeah, but why? Why do they exist?
Why can't I just call it...?
Even Gyles Brandreth
at the height of climax
doesn't say, "Isn't it weird
that there are silent letters!?"
- Hello!
- Hello.
Hello there. You all right?
That seemed quite tense.
We were talking
about silent letters.
Lucy was talking about how
the K is silent in knight.
I'll tell you what -
this is going to fly by!
Lovely to see you. Imagine that,
but at four in the morning.
Well, shall we just go for it?
Yeah. We've got the whole thing.
I don't even know what
Merlin's Challenge is.
You can just go on
whatever you want.
For their first
taste of Legoland
our four are daring to take
on Merlin's Challenge -
a children's ride for
anyone over 90 centimetres.
LUCY: So did you know
that I don't like rides?
No. I've got a phobia of
anything that goes fast.
I've never done a forward roll.
I mean, you're asking me
to go on a roller-coaster.
I've never gone upside
down on a carpet.
You all right, Lucy?
I'm not going to go.
I know, I'm going
to pass on this.
I've just done a recce -
it's fraught with danger.
Shall I just watch and wave?
Yeah. OK.
You sure, Lucy?
No, I just... I'll regret it,
like, on my deathbed or summat.
You've married me, you'll
have bigger regrets than
not going on Merlin's Challenge.
I've basically been
scared of everything.
But do you know what it was?
I was born six weeks premature
and they put a suction cup
to my head, apparently, and
I was ventouse vacuumed out.
You know where they suck
you out really quick?
I think that's why I
don't like fast rides.
Good luck. Thank you.
Are we ready? Do your
best, Merlin. Let's go.
Don't worry, there's a
qualified operator on hand
to fire this baby up.
Oh, here we go.
GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS -Oh!
-Whee!
Oh, that's fun!
Yeah, it's all right.
This is all right, actually.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's not very fast now.
ALEX: Whoa, it's got
a little kick to it!
LUCY: That's gone
rogue, it's gone rogue.
Whoa, it goes down
the hill really fast.
All right, Merlin,
don't be a dick.
Stop it.
Are you all right?
Do you want to get off?
Alex is going to
be sick. Oh, God.
RETCHES
Shouldn't have had a Diet
Coke just before getting on.
Whee-hee-hee!
I felt like Merlin's Challenge
would have more of a quiz element.
I'm so glad I didn't go on it.
That looked terrifying,
I'll be honest.
Oh, dear. What'd
you think of that?
That was a livener. Got
less respect for Merlin.
I did feel like I had
three sons at one point.
Who's your favourite?
Josh. I like Josh the most.
You could have done that. I...
Well, no. I want things
that go like that.
- Like waltzers?
- Not waltzers.
It's that and that I don't like.
That was the first moment
you two looked to me
as a sort of interpreter.
"I don't mind that. I don't
like that." And you both went...
I'll be honest with you, if
Lucy can't handle that...
it's just going to
be an evening of Lucy
watching us do children's rides.
Shall we go and explore? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got a special
mode of transport for us.
Is this it? Do I get to jump on the
back like we're in Jurassic Park?
LUCY: Does it go fast?
Erm...
Not compared to a regular car,
but it does compared
to Merlin's Challenge.
I'll be honest, I get a thrill
out of just being in a vehicle
that's being driven
by someone else.
It's already a dig at me,
you see. No, it's not.
Cos I don't have a
driver's license yet.
Go. Indistinguishable from...
Oh, it's like being on safari,
in't it? It is, isn't it?
It's 7:10PM and, as the sun
goes down over Legoland...
Why don't we stop
here? This looks good.
They're off to explore the park.
What's first on the bucket list?
Am I allowed down the slide?
You can go down the slide.
While our four have the whole
theme park to themselves,
we'll be sending
them instructions
to help guide them
through the night.
Who here likes rules?
I like rules.
Yes!
"There are just a few rules
to follow while you're here."
Just a few? You wanted
more, didn't you?
"If the phone gives you an
instruction, you must follow it.
"There will be challenges."
Oh.
"Whoever wins the most will be
exempt from cleaning duties.
"The rest of you will ensure
Legoland's 100 million bricks
"are looking their best
before the park reopens.
"Enjoy your one
night in Legoland."
So basically one of
us has got to win.
Yeah. Let's not worry too
much about going head-to-head.
Sounds like
somebody's frightened.
There will be no
cleaning for me tonight,
thank you very much.
First off, they're heading
away from the main attractions
to Planet Legoland, the place
where all the bricks are kept.
Do you want me to go in here?
Let's go in. ALEX:
And just open up.
Ooh!
Planet Legoland is an immersive
area where kids of all ages
dream up their own
Lego creations.
Look at all this Lego.
LUCY: Now we're really getting
to the nitty gritty of it.
Can I nick a bit? I'm not
used to this. This is...
Shove it in your pocket.
They're not going to know.
Shall we go to the
Model Making Studio?
Is this where they build all
the things, do you think?
ALEX: I'm really good at Lego.
I've been making the
Ghostbusters ECTO-1 car
and it's got, like, something
like 3,000 pieces. It's mad.
Do you reckon there are professional
Lego-ers that build this stuff?
Brooks, you've got a job.
Seemingly, Alex thinks there's
a skill and he's good at Lego.
I think he needs to
learn that isn't a thing.
Oh, wow. Look at all this.
Oh. Are you allowed in
here? It says staff only.
Staff and minifigures
only. Look at Big Ben.
NASALLY: It's actually
St Stephen's Tower.
Oh, for crying out loud!
Model Making Department.
Authorised personnel only.
BEEP
Looks like you're authorised.
Wow.
Whoa! Look at that.
Coming up, Jon's worst
nightmare comes true...
Watch this, mate.
You prick.
And Lucy starts bricking it.
The Duplo Dino Coaster!
It's 8:49PM at the
Legoland Windsor Resort,
where comedians Josh
Widdicombe, Alex Brooker,
Lucy Beaumont and Jon Richardson
have after-hours access to
every part of the theme park.
Authorised personnel only.
BEEP
Looks like you're authorised.
Wow. Whoa. Look at that.
This isn't for punters, is it?
This is like the engine
room of Legoland.
Christ! Amazing, isn't it?
This is the Model Making Studio,
where a team of highly
skilled master builders
create every character, castle
and construction in the park.
Complex models can take five
people up to six months to build,
but the awesome engineering isn't
the first thing to catch their eye.
Look at these. Look
how organised that is.
Every single brick has been
meticulously classified
and sorted into trays.
It's basically what Jon's mind would
look like if it was made of Lego.
Jon, would that annoy you,
that there were, like,
yellow bits in the green?
Oh, yeah, what's the point
in having a system...?
Jon, watch this, mate.
Don't...
You prick.
Why would you do that?
How good is this?
Give it a kiss!
LUCY: What is it?
It's the World Cup. Oh!
Time for the first
challenge of the night.
PHONE CHIMES Text message.
"Build something
amazing in 15 minutes."
We've been married seven years,
and it takes longer than that to
build something amazing, right?
LUCY GAGS
Your time starts now.
Right. 15 minutes.
Oh, God, right.
I want that.
Someone's got an idea.
You have? What is it?
I'm not going to tell you, am I?
I think Lego can be stressful.
It can bring out
the worst in people.
Taking it a bit seriously, mate,
if you don't mind me saying.
Oh, shit.
I went in there with a dream
to build staircase from
the end scene of Labyrinth,
based on the MC Escher painting,
and I had a slight panic.
Balls.
In an attempt to
win the challenge,
I may have incorporated someone
else's work into my own.
Just going to nick something
and pretend I built it.
ALEX: Those black one?
Yeah, here you go.
Oh, yeah. I've
got too many bits.
Oh, my God. How
have you made that?
What's Jon doing? Bloody
hell! Look at that!
Fucking hell, Jon.
You could work here.
How have you made it spherical?
And I didn't want to say,
"Clearly, I haven't."
Who are you, MC Escher?
What's going on?
People are losing track
of time, and they thought,
somehow in seven seconds,
I had completed a very
complex, curved piece of Lego.
It's insane what Jon has done.
How do you know how to do that?
It's just simple,
basic Lego, innit?
Come on, guys. You
haven't got all night.
I mean, you have, but
not just for this.
PHONE CHIMES Oh, time's up.
No, it's not. Time
is anything but up.
Well, I'm just going to stop.
I've done a cream tea.
LUCY: Oh, that's brilliant.
So you've got two scones
with the jam and the cream,
and then you've got the
mug with the tea in it.
Just spilt some tea.
Alex?
I did Josh.
That's how far I've got.
Have to take points off cos
you've done him smiling.
And Lucy?
I've just done, like, a little
car delivering a turkey.
SHE IMITATES CAR ENGINE
Hang on, Lucy, I'll
get Ocado on the line.
It's like conceptual,
and it's to do with, like,
a lack of HGV drivers.
It's nice, actually, I like it.
This is like liquid gold, so
that's sunshine pouring out.
ALEX: That is incredible.
That is genuinely really good.
Thanks, mate.
PHONE CHIMES
The winner of the
challenge is...
Josh Widdicombe.
Whoa! Lovely cream tea.
Well done, Josh.
Made that. CLATTERING
Good luck breaking mine -
it's glued together cos I
stole this from over there.
No! Absolute piece of...
Lego. You're scum.
I nicked it.
I'm gonna nick this.
Oh!
That's backfired.
This is what they don't
tell you about theft.
Sometimes you reach
in to steal some Lego
and there's an
unknown liquid on it.
This is how much
you've upset me.
Oh, no.
It's nice to see Jon and
Alex lose, isn't it? I think.
And what's sweetest about this
is Alex said he was good at Lego,
which I think we've
proven is bullshit.
ALEX: I still maintain
that I'm good at Lego.
I actually thought he'd want to
keep it, but I'll keep it then.
I'll keep it.
Winner. Let's go.
That's it, Josh.
Leave it for the
losers to clean up,
With a massive theme
park all to themselves,
no area is off limits
for these two couples.
Have any of you ever
been on a double date?
Oh, no. I've barely
been on single dates.
What, like, with each
other and another couple?
Yeah. Or you mean like
a gang bang or...?
No, I don't mean a gang bang.
Our four are on their way
to the part of Legoland
called Duplo Valley,
an area of the park specially
designed for pre-schoolers.
LUCY: So is this like a
gateway into Lego, Duplo?
Gets them hooked early?
Yeah, it's like cannabis.
Why don't we stop
here? This looks good.
Fairytale Brook.
Closed. Not to us.
LUCY: Ooh!
Probably would have
been easier going over.
LAUGHTER Fair enough.
Oh, I can hear water.
I'm going to say Fairytale Brook
doesn't sound very high octane.
ALEX: No. But in the dark...
Josh, Alex, Lucy and Jon
have stumbled over Legoland's very
own fairy-tale-based water ride.
Surely even Lucy can't
back out of this?
Do you guys want to make out?
Yeah, it does feel like
suddenly we've taken you...
You've taken us
to make-out point.
Oh. LUCY: Lovely.
Does this feel like
a double date to you?
- Oh, my God.
- It does, doesn't it?
There was slightly
something weird about
doing a romantic boat
ride with a couple.
I almost said the words
"another couple" then.
LUCY: Do you sometimes feel
like you're in a relationship,
like a non-sexual relationship?
Non-sexual is an
interesting term.
I was going to say
it would help me out
if you didn't play the expert
on non-sexual relationships.
They really go for the tits
on some of these statues.
Bosoms. Don't they?
Oh, this is nice. Love this.
This is like those caves in Italy,
isn't it, where the water glows?
I loved that.
Is that bad that I really enjoyed
that more than any other ride
I've ever been on in my life?
It was so relaxing.
I think Legoland needs to
remarket as an adult-only.
Adult-only is the wrong word.
Well, that was fun.
- I really enjoyed that.
- That was nice.
I feel like we shared something.
Yeah, it was like a mini
cruise. It was, yeah.
Having got Lucy on a water ride,
Josh is keen to up the ante.
I have brought us to
the Duplo Dino Coaster!
Whoa. Ooh!
I've been to Alton Towers three
times and never gone on anything.
I mean, there's not many people who
could say that, really, is there?
Whoa!
We went to Disney World for our
honeymoon. I held Jon's coat.
Maybe I need to, like,
go for it, you know,
and, like, look
danger in the eye.
The Duplo Dino Coaster
is an absolute beast.
Towering at a nosebleed-inducing
height of almost three metres,
it can reach a barely
perceptible top speed of 8mph.
Surely this is
Lucy's dream ride.
Guests must be a minimum
of 90 centimetres to ride.
I'm going to go for it. You're
going to go for it? There we go.
This doesn't go upside down, does
it? ALEX: No. Well, we'll see.
LUCY: I mean, if it does,
summat's gone wrong. Yeah.
I think we can all agree,
Lucy is scared of life.
That's why she married
Jon Richardson.
Right. Shall we all do a runner?
Do you want to go second, Jon?
Why, do you think
she's going to barf?
No, I just thought you might
want to be close to your wife
for her first experience
on a roller-coaster.
It looks OK, doesn't it?
I'm all right. Yeah? Yeah?
Oh, the ascent, the ascent!
Whoa!
LUCY: Wahhhhhh!
Wahhhhhh!
ALEX: I thought that
was a siren on the ride!
I don't know if Lucy was on a
different roller-coaster to us
because she seemed to
have ridden Oblivion
and I felt like I'd been
on a miniature railway.
LUCY SCREAMS
It's the suspense,
isn't it? And then...
And then that's when you get
that feeling and you're like,
"I can't take any
more," and then it stops
and then you think,
"Oh, ride's done,"
and it's, "No, go round again."
It was... It was electrifying.
I mean, I'm no Evel Knievel,
but that was pretty
pedestrian, wasn't it?
Oh, was it?
I feel elated, actually.
I feel like... I feel
like an Olympian.
That was as fast as I could go.
So is this just nothing
compared to, like..?
Not really.
Even that bit where it drops?
LAUGHTER
I've overcome a phobia.
Yeah. That's big, innit?
That's a big thing. Massive.
I think you've done a
really good job there.
I think that's me done now.
I'm going to retire
from roller-coasting.
Shall we go and
have a walk round?
Yeah.
Yeah, that'll probably
be quicker than that was.
Coming up, things get
fast and furious...
Coming up the inside!
Oi! Oh, contact.
And Lucy teaches Josh a lesson.
Go like that and then...
By day, Legoland attracts
thousands of visitors
flocking to see its
intricate brick creations.
But tonight the
tourists have gone home
and best friends Josh and Alex
and married comedians Jon and Lucy
have been left to
explore every inch
of this massive
children's theme park.
Right. Back in the
Brooker. Wagons roll!
Gonna turn round.
We're going that-a-way.
ALEX: Driving school?
Josh is taking
them to Lego City,
a part of the park where kids
get to pretend to be grown-ups.
Perfect place for
the next challenge.
Do you feel like you're
competitive people?
LUCY: I'm just not good enough
for anything to be competitive.
At school I was good at putting
the mats away at the end of PE.
Here we are. Driving school.
Will this help me pass my test?
Have you not passed
your test? No.
Everyone's favourite
attraction, the Driving School,
is where 6 to 13-year-olds get
their first go behind the wheel.
It gives out around a
quarter of a million
Lego driving
licences every year.
Lucy, you might be in luck.
PHONE CHIMES Text message.
Oh, my God.
What? It's Two for
Tuesday with the Papa.
"In the UK..." Yeah.
"most people fail their
driving test first time around.
"To earn a Lego
driver's license,
"you must complete
a lap of the track.
"Best driver wins."
Failed first time?
Failed first time. But
it wasn't my fault.
The guy in front, he was going too
slow, so I overtook him on a hill.
You shouldn't do that.
On your driving test?
Did you fail first time, Jon?
Come on, mate.
Passed first time. Two minors.
Two minors?! One for
excessive caution.
Didn't Alex go past you while
you were doing your test?
Shall we go in?
Oh, you really wanted to take
that chain off, didn't you?
I wanted to take the chain off
then I noticed there's no chain.
Just take that one
off anyway. Yeah.
LOUD CLANG Whoa!
Can you put that back on?
Oh, look at the little cars!
I really want to see how good the
cautious driver Jon Richardson is.
The tricky course is designed to
challenge even the most talented
of primary schoolchildren,
but which of our grown-ups
will come out on top?
ALEX: We going red, Josh. Yeah.
This is a stitch up, this
- you two in the Ferraris.
I'll take 'em all on. I may
seem demure, you know, petite,
but once the killer instincts
kick in, I'm a ninja warrior.
MUSIC: Sabotage
by Beastie Boys
Oh, here we go!
We got we've got
the racing line.
Oh, no!
Why's it topped?
Oh!
See you later! Weaving
through the traffic.
Wrong way, Lucy! What?
Where's she going?
Where are you going?
Rules are important, especially
when you're driving a vehicle.
When Lucy went that way,
that is a really good visual
illustration of what happens
in her mind while I'm talking,
and she just goes, "Nah."
Oi! He's coming up the inside"
See you later.
ALEX: I couldn't feel that
pedal underneath my prosthetic.
Oi! Oh, contact.
So I couldn't brake cos
I couldn't move my leg.
Oh, no!
I've stopped. I've lost power!
Yeah!
I mean that was bullshit, right?
I just made a lovely
move through the traffic,
and then my effing car cut out.
LUCY: I'm in the lead.
Nyaoow!
Could I be Hull's first
female Formula 1 driver?
Just don't know, do we?
I have to get my theory first,
which I have
struggled with a bit.
I'm the winner!
Oh, come on.
Less fast and furious,
more last and furious.
I've stopped again!
This is absurd.
Someone needs to put
50p in the meter here.
This is why you
need the staff here.
What a way to spend my
one night at Legoland.
LUCY: Victory tastes so sweet.
Well, I mean, we'll wait to
get the text to see who won.
Well done, Lucy.
What happened there is that
you cut half the course off
and then drove straight
through the slalom.
I won. I dominated the
track. That's what I did.
I was everywhere. I
was Two-lanes Lucy.
ALEX: Two-lanes Lucy!
It sounds like a nickname
a girl at school has...
You know she goes in both lanes.
Oh, she's just broken up with
Couldn't Get It Going Josh.
Isn't that right?
My car didn't work
and then it did work,
and now I've gone too far
away to even enjoy the banter.
PHONE CHIMES
The results are in.
The winner of the
driving school challenge,
unbelievably,
is Lucy.
ALEX, LAUGHING: Two-lanes Lucy.
Two-lanes!
It was a battle of
the sexes and I won.
Thank you. Thank you so
much. Where's the champagne?
She seemed really pleased.
And also...
I know how much it
would've wound up Jon.
Lovely.
You go like that, don't you?
What you've done there is you've
cost us two failed driving tests.
That's what you've done there.
I can hear the argument now
outside the test centre.
"But I never had to go the right
way round a roundabout before."
No-one likes a sore loser, Jon.
Right, then, guys, seeing as I'm
the winner, I'm going to drive.
- Is that all right?
- Yeah.
Lucy can drive if she wants
- she's earned it. She's won.
I'm not going to begrudge
her driving the buggy.
Go for it. Take it on.
LUCY: Come on, then, bitches.
God, everyone's so much
more relaxed than I am.
Aw.
JON LAUGHS
Is one of the reasons
Lucy's never driven because
it's too tense having
you as a passenger?
Yeah, I make no bones... She
wants me to teach her to drive.
Oh, no.
I mean, I've always said,
I'm a thinker, not a driver,
but now I'm not so sure.
ALEX: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That is not the noise you want.
I feel like a driving instructor.
Be honest, was that
a major or a minor?
Jeez Louise.
I was frightened beyond the
capacity to make a noise.
Ooh!
Could we have a little chat
about accelerating into a bend?
You very much take the
racing line, don't you?
LUCY: Whoa! Oh, my God.
How did we not see any
of that? That's a tree!
It's very hard, as
the husband, to say,
"This isn't a man woman issue - this
is a simple matter of human safety."
What's wonderful is that whether
we were going to hit it or not,
it wouldn't have affected
whether we carried on going.
I think pull up round here,
mate. Yeah, this looks good.
Yeah. And also
we're still alive.
Yeah, my style was a
bit different. Yeah.
What would you rate me, then,
if I was your Uber driver?
ALEX: Four stars.
It was a big step for me.
And I smashed it.
Oh, that was the
scariest ride yet.
It's 1:32 in the morning
and, with Alex back
in the driver's seat,
our two couples are on the
hunt for a dinner venue.
What would you like for
your midnight feast?
I've got you
covered here. Right?
I've brought loads of food.
I hope it's not made
of Lego or something.
Like, I don't want him to
make it on a Lego stove.
ALEX: What have you brought?
Like sweets and that?
No, more sort of...
healthy food for us,
good for the planet vibe.
He's vegan so let's go vegan cheese,
but actually I'd prefer Lego.
Why don't we do it
in the place that sounds most
delicious - Skeleton Bay?
LUCY: This is quite exciting.
This is romantic, isn't it?
Yeah! I've got my bag of tricks.
Yeah? What I haven't brought
is cups and things like that.
Can you smash into the shop?
You make your shit food and
we'll get on with it. Right.
I'll meet you back here, then, in
a bit. ALEX: OK, then. All right.
I told them I didn't
have cutlery and crockery
but I've actually got loads -
I just wanted to get rid
of them while I cook.
I'm going to make a
nice jackfruit salad.
It's nice and light, is zingy,
it's going to wake everyone up.
LUCY: Oh, look. Oh. They've
made a Lego statue of me.
Oh, wow.
ALEX: Oh, look at
that. Look at that!
LUCY: Oooh!
Whoa, here we bloody go.
What do I want? What can I
have? Just whatever you want.
Sunglasses. They suit you. You
look like you're a DJ in Ibiza.
Oh, this is a lovely blade.
They're going to say
they don't like it
because really, they all
lack the emotional maturity
to admit that something
quite profound has happened.
Hello.
I'm absolutely wired.
Look at my eyes.
Shall we get some Crunchies
in case Jon's food's rubbish?
Shall we get some
Pringles as well?
That's what
jackfruit looks like.
If you imagine wet,
flavourless pineapple.
Am I allowed to strain
my juice into the lake?
Go like that. Oh, bloody
hell! You're good!
Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa! Aargh!
Shall we go and see
how Jon's doing? Yeah.
ALARM BEEPS JOSH LAUGHS
ALEX: You go out.
Go!
We've just been in a shop with
hundreds of pounds' worth of Lego...
I've got the Crunchie!
And what we've stolen is
lentil chips and Crunchies.
It's like if you went into a bank
and you just stole the plastic pens.
Table for three? Yes, please.
Ooh! I don't have any tables.
Floor for three?
Now, don't take offence,
but I've just brought
some stuff just in case.
You brought Pringles!
And a Crunchie.
Let's have a look.
That's vegan pastrami.
Vegan pastrami?
Vegan gherkins
and the piece of resistance -
jackfruit ceviche.
Oh! Oh, wow.
I'd rather have a lentil
crisp than eat Jon's food.
Does anyone want to try this?
ALEX: I'll try it, please, yeah.
LUCY: It's late and he's
making us jackfruit.
ALEX: No-one after a
night out has gone,
"Tell you what I need
- jackfruit." Yeah.
It's very chilly, isn't it?
It's got a kick to it, innit?
I've just put just enough chilli
in to make you soil your pants.
Oh, my God.
Tomorrow, when we're
not together any more,
when you go to the toilet,
you'll just get that tingle on
your anus and you'll think of me.
I might, like, get into this, like,
vegan food. You've converted me.
And all I had to do was
lock you in Legoland
and send you delirious at 3AM.
Coming up, Alex goes
from Josh's saviour...
It was quite shocking,
actually, the power of the man.
To petty behaviour.
It's 2:47AM.
While Kate, Wills and the rest
of Windsor are tucked up in bed,
down the road four comedians
have the run of Legoland.
PHONE CHIMES Oh, text message.
"More kids want to
become a firefighter
"than a professional
footballer."
Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
ALEX: They don't know
what footballers get paid.
Yeah. Yeah.
"Do you have the skills
to be a firefighter?
"Head to the Fire
Academy to find out."
Right. Let's go. Let's
go. Shall we run there?
Oh, it's gone all Crystal Maze.
The Fire Academy is
a life-size replica
of one of the most
popular Lego sets,
where kids, or in our
case comedians, ie kids,
can learn how to be
real life firefighters.
LUCY: Oh, look at this.
It's nice, isn't it?
Wouldn't you like the
world to be like this?
On fire?
PHONE CHIMES Right.
"Prove your fitness,
speed and teamwork
"on the firefighter
assault course.
"Extinguish the fire
"then give your team-mate a
fireman's lift back to base."
You've got to be kidding.
Do you think I can
fireman's lift you?
I don't know. Are you strong?
Well, I went to this
martial arts thing
where you learn how to kill a
man with a stick in three moves.
I'm so used to being told by
Lucy, "I know how to kill a man,"
I forget what it's like to
see people react to this.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Now run at me. Run at me. Run
at me. I'm not running at you!
Aargh! Come on,
then. You ran away!
Shall we just knock
each other out?
Do you know what? This is normally
how a night ends in a city centre.
I didn't expect Legoland -
"Come on, then! You want some?"
Me and Josh just backed off -
"Let them sort this out
between themselves."
Right. Brooker lifts
me, Jon lifts Lucy.
And let's be honest, I've been
carrying you for nine years.
I knew it was coming!
A lot of fun. A lot of
fun. Right, let's fire.
For this challenge, they have
to race their fire engines
to the burning buildings,
put out the pretend fire
and carry their partner
back to the start.
The first pair back wins.
Never been in a
fire engine before.
I don't think I'd be a
good firefighter, no.
I mean, I don't think I'd
make it down the pole.
I find that too scary, let
alone putting out a fire.
You need to put it
in gear this way.
Don't help them.
If your house is burning and
I come in, you'd be like,
"Oh, that's it, we're
saved now, ain't we?"
No. I look like I've BEEN a
fireman and got out of the game.
LUCY: We're gonna whoop your
ass. Ready. Steady. Go. Go!
ALEX: We're doing it!
Pump harder! Come on!
We're so good at pumping.
They're overtaking!
OK, time to put the fire out.
Do you want to pump or do
you want to do the thingy?
I'll do the thingy.
It's not working! It is.
LUCY: Get it in the hole.
Oh, God!
ALEX: Keep going! Keep
pumping! Keep pumping!
You want to aim this one?
LUCY: I am trying!
It doesn't do it!
It was hard to aim right.
I'm not used to it,
you know, us ladies.
We don't have that trouble do
we? Don't need to aim correctly.
Aim it in the hole! I'm
trying to aim it in the...
ALEX: What's going on?
Yeah, that's it. That's it.
Oh, I got splashed.
You're doing it, Brooker! This
is it. We're almost there!
BELL CLANGS
Oh, that's it!
Quick, quick, quick!
Fire's out, fire's out. Right.
MUSIC: Holding Out For
A Hero by Bonnie Tyler
What are you taking your
coat off? Safety first.
On my shoulder.
Whoa! Oh, my God.
You don't need to go so
fast! I'll save you, Josh!
LUCY: Don't fall over!
ALEX: I'll save
you! I'll save you!
Are you safe? Yeah.
All right, then.
I saved you. My hero!
LUCY: Aw!
Oh, my hero!
It was quite shocking,
actually, the power of the man.
How did I end up doing
pumping and carrying?
LUCY: I'm pleased you've, you
know, taken it to the next level.
It was amazing. I felt
like I was Whitney Houston
and you were Kevin Costner.
Aw!
ALEX: Yeah, I do
feel closer to him.
I literally had his
crotch on my shoulder.
So... that's why
I've got changed.
PHONE CHIMES
Congratulations, Josh and Alex.
Yes. You won that challenge.
You disgraced us, actually.
Oh, thanks, mate.
ALEX: Where's that
hi-vis come from?
I thought you might try and
lose me when it was dark,
so I brought hi-vis so
you can see where I am.
Of course Jon's got hi-vis.
Just when you think he
couldn't get less sexy.
I've still got it on now.
I'm not taking it off.
Have you been carrying
that our whole marriage?
Yeah.
And a flare.
I treat every day as if it's a
potentially dangerous situation.
I'm wearing a condom.
You can't be too careful.
Shall I carry you over the
threshold? Why not? Come on.
Whoa!
There we go.
That is degrading!
ALEX: Where to next?
Shall we go and
see the Miniland?
Oh, it's very good.
I like small things.
Thanks, mate.
Located in the heart of
the theme park is Miniland.
This miniature world
features famous landmarks
replicated using a staggering
49 million Lego bricks.
I wonder if it's got a
tiny version of Legoland
with a tiny version of Miniland,
with a tiny... Yeah, well,
yeah, you get the idea.
The world's going to feel very
big when we wake up, innit?
ALEX: That's Vegas. Very nice.
LUCY: Do you know
me and Jon went?
You went to Vegas? He said,
"Right, let's go do some gambling,"
and he got a tenner out,
one for him and one for me.
I've been to Australia and I
genuinely prefer this version.
Lucy's gone to sleep.
Has Lucy fallen asleep?
Yeah, I think she went
somewhere around Sydney.
It's the jet lag, innit?
Right, shall we have a look?
She's gone.
I've never been more
jealous of anyone
than I currently am
of Lucy Beaumont.
Cos she gets to
wake up next to me?
Absolutely not.
Before they all copy Lucy...
PHONE CHIMES
let's reveal the overall
winner of the night.
The person who won the most
challenges tonight is...
Josh. Yes!
Go and put your feet up.
The rest of you must ensure
that all of Legoland's
100 million bricks are looking
their best before the park reopens.
Finally, I have won.
I can't believe how happy I am.
Winning is glorious because
I'm literally a minute or two
from my sleeping bag
and I feel phenomenal.
What clinched it, Josh,
was that Lego tea and
scones you made. Well done.
I'm pleased for you, I suppose.
Is that what I'm meant to say?
I just want to go to sleep.
I've got to clean.
Just jump over?
I guess so, yeah.
Oh...
♪ Breaking the law
Breaking the law. ♪
As long as you don't
knock anything over.
Oh, sugar.
CRUNCH Oh.
Perfect.
The boys are cleaning the park
just like the staff have to -
with toothbrushes.
It's quite satisfying, actually,
but I think I'm going to get
bored around the millionth brick.
I like cleaning, but I
resent cleaning Legoland
at four o'clock in the morning.
Is there literally a more
futile way to spend your time
than polishing pretend
coal with a toothbrush?
Wipe his bum-bum.
Clean your bot-bot.
I said it at the time, and
I mean it even more now -
I didn't think his tea
and scones was up to much.
FRENCH ACCENT:
Meanwhile, a Paris...
Is Moulin Rouge a brothel, Josh?
It's not a brothel, no.
It's a kind of sexy dance place,
isn't it, that's kind of arty?
Like Stringfellows?
Eh...
It's been a very pleasant
night, hasn't it?
Yeah, it's been ace.
I think I've had one of
the best times of my life.
I've really loved every
minute. Are you high?
Did you and Josh
smoke something?
I drove us across
America on our honeymoon.
And you've had a good time...
in Legoland.
We've built Lego and
we've built memories.
Would I do it again?
No.
JOSH LAUGHS
Good evening. Welcome to Paris.
ALEX: I brought this for you.
LUCY: Aw. Oh, thank you.
ALEX: Since we've
done all the cleaning,
did you want to just
clean this last bit?
Not really, it's not
really part of the deal.
That's what I think of
your bloody tea and scones.
It's been good though,
hasn't it? It's been amazing.
We found toothbrushes for you both
as well, so you can clean your teeth
before you go to bed. LUCY:
Oh, thank you. Thanks.
Give your teeth a good scrub.
ALEX: No worries, mate.
Right. That's it. Get right in
round the back ones as well.
Really... And the tongue.
Well, Brooker, it's
been a wonderful night.
It's been brilliant. I've
had some great adventures
and now I'm going
to close my eyes.
Night, boys. Night, Alex.
Night-night.
Those tooth brushes, they were
different ones, were they,
to the ones you cleaned
the bricks with?
Jon? Yeah.
LAUGHTER
So as the series
comes to an end,
it's time for Josh and Alex to
reflect on all the adventures
they've shared together.
I'm going to miss
the all-nighters.
Yeah. I just think we've got
on much better than anyone
has any right to get on when
they're tired that much.
I'd love to do this again.
I'd love to see him again.
Is this First Dates?
MUSIC: I've Had The Time Of My Life
by Bill Medley & Jennifer Warnes
You all right, Neymar?
I feel like I'm
picking up Paddington.
This is mortifying.
HORN BLARES
Is that how you park a boat?
All of this is going to be
ours on our own in a bit.
Oh! No hands! All right, mate.
Oh, my God! Argh!
See you later, loser!
THEY SCREAM
Oh, my hero!
Whoa!
It's genuinely been
a great adventure.
I love you.
You're my best friend!
We're like two Lego pieces.
Yeah?
Just...
Two Lego pieces that
have just been...
Stuck together...
stuck together.
Isn't that nice?
Subtitles by Red Bee Media