One Night Stand (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Patrice O'Neal - full transcript

Actor/Comedian Patrice Oneal performs stand-up in this comedy special

(male announcer)
With comedian, Patrice Oneal.

Copyright: 2005
Home Box Office, Inc.

Ladies and gentleman,
Patrice Oneal.

[audience cheering]

All right, thank you,
thank you very much.

Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.

All right, thank you very much.
Thank you.

So how people are getting sick
of the Hindu obstacle course

at the airport?

It's just, it's--
I mean--

I'm a racist,
but it's getting...

And I don't mind foreigners,
but don't be from your--

like, from your country.

Like, it's okay to be originally
from there,

like your parents
or grandpar--

But you can't be from India.

[Indian accent]
"And eboo da-boo,
eboo da-doo. I.D."

And you're going,
"What the f--"

I know I'm American;

I gotta be more American
than you

'cause I don't go,

[Indian accent]
"Eboo da-boo.

"Eeble, dabble,
eeble, dibble--

I.D., boarding pass--"

Man, I know my voice proves
I'm American.

Like, I need another--I need
an American voice to ask me

for my shit.

But you can't get rid
of the "dooble dae" dudes

because they're amazing.

Like, who else would work at a
24-hour Brooklyn gas station,

with no bullet-proof vests
and no gun?

And curse niggas out

if they don't have
less than a 50?

[Indian accent]
"A doo, ebeeble, dabble--"


"You need something smaller
please, a dibble dabble--

Dooble...dooble, day."

You can't get rid of them
because they do jobs

nobody else is going to do.

That's why you can't--
well, listen:

Why is there this thing where
we're trying to get Mexicans

out of this country?

Who else is going to work,

without Mexicans?

Who else is gonna work?

Who else would
drive a bicycle

on the highway?

Who else would ride a--


Who else would ride a--
wait a minute.

Who else would ride a bicycle
on the highway, against traffic,

to deliver you
a Panini sandwich for lunch?

On time.

Who else--?

Who else is gonna, uh, kick in
your hotel door

to make your bed,

besides some little Mexican
woman, who had who has an ethic:

she has to make your bed.

"I have to--I have--
I have to make--hello--"

And she knocks; then she fucking
punches the door,

and she scares the shit
out you.

She kicks the fucking door,
and the chain is on.

[Mexican accent]
"Hello? Hello?"

And you're like,
"Miss, the chain is on--

"I'm alive;
the chain is on the door.

You don't have to--"

[Mexican accent]
"Please, I must make your bed!

#s "I must...make your bed.

"I must make your bed, please!


She pulls out
her fuckin' "ay, Dios mío" shit.

"Please, please!"

And she's trying
to squeeze through the space,

through the chain space.

Like, "Hello?


I must make your--hello!"

I wish I never travelled,
for real, for real,

'cause I would like to just
never have to travel

outside this country.

And then I could hate America
and be happy.

You know what I'm sayin'?

But I travel, and now it's
like, I like America.

But I still hate--it's weird.

I hate it,
but there's nowhere better,

'cause all I gotta really deal
with is racist crackers.

And that's like...

It's funny.

Because, like--black people
really don't look

at white people, with--like,
you're the oppressor, anymore.

It's just something we do.

It's just like we like
not liking white people.

And white people like
not liking us.

It's just, that's just
what we do.

'Cause I'm not going nowhere,
and I'd kill a motherfucker if

he told me to go, like,
back to Africa.

And I'm talking to black people:
stop that fuckin' horseshit,

that "Go back to Africa" shit.

First of all, Africans
don't like black people.

That's first off.

They don't like us.

And what the fuck am I gonna do
in Africa?

Besides fight in some war,
wearing, uh,

sweatpants and tuxedo shoes

with a fuckin'--

with a fuckin' machete
in my hand

and a pair
of fucking tuxedo shoes

and a knife and fight in some
goofy-ass fucking war?

Fuck it.

That's what's wrong
with the rest of this world;

they're on us too much.

If you travel, you know.

If you travel, you know how much
they're on this country.

And I'm not a "nigger"
no place else, but here.

Everyplace else I'm American.

I had to figure out how to be
an American.

I had to learn that shit.

See a nigger
arguing like,

"Hey, let me tell you
something about

the Star-Spangled Banner,

And you'd be like, "Ugh."

Like, I don't defend America,
but you go to another country,

you just--I just do it.

And I try to tell people--
people think we're weak,

but we're not a weak country.

Look at 9/11.

Let me tell you
something about this country.

9/11, man--look, I live
in Jersey City,

and I seen the World Trade
Center shit happen.

And it used to be,
after buildings fell,

people go
down to them holes

and be crying and shit.

Now you go down there,

and the holes
are the tourist attraction.

You know what I'm saying?

People are taking
the shout-out pictures.

You know what I'm saying?

In front of the holes.

'Cause that's how we are;
we have to accept how we are.

We're just
that kind of country.

9/11 is--I got--I--

ten more years before
it's a holiday.

Hamburger, hot dog, holiday.

If you think it's not,
just think about our country.

We don't celebrate, like,
Peach Cobbler Day

or, you know,
Honeydew Melon Day.

We celebrate horrible shit.

"Mommy, how come we're looking
for painted eggs in the bushes?"

"Well sweetie, 'cause the Jews
and the Romans

"fucked Jesus up.

"They whooped his ass.

"Beat the shit out of him.

"Now let's have fun.

"Let's have a wonderful time
finding these eggs

"on the back of Jesus, sweetie,

"and please pray
for the Indians that died,

"getting musketed in the face,

"so we could enjoy this turkey
and cranberry sauce,

"and watch the football game.

"Give the fuckin' Injuns--

"give those red
motherfuckers some love.

"Those drunks,
give 'em some love

for getting shot up."


Indians get
two gruesome holidays;

they get Columbus Day too,
God bless 'em.

I mean, we got a couple
of good holidays.

We got Mother's Day
and Valentine's Day,

but you don't get
the day off for that shit.

I don't give a fuck
how much you love your mama.

You better bring your
motherfucking ass to work,


did your mother get beat up,
motherfucker; did she die?

Did she get crucified?

Well, then fuck that bitch.

You better come in and--

you better come in and work.

You can call the bitch
from a phone, a pay phone,

and say "I love you,"

but you better get your--

I got mad at the tsunami shit.

I got angry at that shit.

Now, we can talk about it now,

because the news don't talk
about it no more,

so that means we don't
really care.

Like, when I was watching
that shit, I kept going,

"God damn, that don't look like
that movie

The Day After Tomorrow--"

or, that shit
don't look horrifying.

I would of died, definitely,

'cause I would have
just stood there and be like,

"Whoa, look at this, whoo--

It's a high one coming."

That shit didn't look horrific.

But evidently it was.

But if you live in New York
City, you can't really get

that fucked up
over natural disasters,

especially if you're black.

Black people just--

niggers do not die
in natural disasters.

It doesn't happen.

That's something between Asians
and white people.

Asians die in natural disasters.

They die in earthquakes
and floods and shit.

And white people die
with all wind-related shit.

Like, God's just--

God's trying
to blow white people away.

But the tsunami shit
fucked me up, because again,

this foreign shit.

Motherfuckers start attacking
Bush, but when you attack Bush,

you're attacking the country.

And I'm not really
on some Bush shit,

but you can't attack
this motherfuck--

They said he didn't apologize
quick enough for the tsunami.

Like, he didn't get up
out of bed and make a speech

for the tsunami shit.

First of all, it was the day
after Christmas.

Second of all, only
about 2,000 people died,

at that time.

So that's like,
eh, eh, you know.

There's a billion of them
motherfuckers over there.

Eh, 2,000?

It didn't start getting fucked
up until, like, six figures.

Like, God damn, 100,000? Shit!

But they started cursing
this motherfucker out

because he didn't get up
and make that speech.

First of all, let's be honest;
I don't think the motherfucker

know where Indonesia
is on the map.

Neither does he give a fuck.

Like, if you asked him
"Where's Indonesia?"

he'd be like
"Ask the, secretary--of, uh,

"giving a fuck.

"Ask this black bitch...

"Ask this black bitch that's
always next to me."


Oh, shit.

"I don't know where
the fuck Indonesia is!"

You think he give a fuck
where Indonesia is?

Plus, you know
when he got the memo,

the first thing he did
was look at it and go,

"Oh, boy, first of all,
what the fuck

is a Tis-on-o-mee?"


And everybody's scared as shit.

Everybody's scared to tell him,
"It's tsunami, Mr. President."

'Cause he'll smack the shit
out of them.

"What the fuck, is that a T?
Is that a T?

"Is that a S?

"It's Tis-on-o-mee!

"I'ma smack this shit--

"Next motherfucker who comes
in here and tells me how

"to pronounce the
motherfuckin' word,

I will smack you through
this motherfuckin' wall."

I mean, when you watch the news,
when you're home alone, man,

with certain things,
you feel differently

than when you're in public.

If people ask you, like, Scott--

Like Scott Peterson,

and let me qualify what I'm
getting ready to say right now.

It's that I believe people
are guilty or innocent

based on the fact of whether
I think they are or not.

I don't have any other proof.

I just go, "I don't think
the motherfucker..."

I never though Mike Tyson, eh--

And the reason I'm saying this
is 'cause the motherfucker--

now he's fighting, like,

They got Mike fighting...
anybody just to say,

"Mike, we wanna see you knock
a motherfucker out again."

He was so special as a knockout
artist, we hated to see him--

When he got on the rape beef,
I never believed,

especially based on the last
interview he had

with Greta Van Suskin.

And he goes--she goes,

"What do you have to say
to your victims, Mike?"

[high-pitched voice]
He goes, "Well, I wish I had
really raped the bitch...

"and her mama.

I wish I had really raped
the bitch and her mama!"

And I'm like, "Whoa,
that is an innocent man."

I'm telling you,
only an innocent man could be

that angry and
say some shit that fucked up.

Like, "I wish I had raped her

"so I'd have been in jail
for something

instead of raping the bitch,
and I really didn't."

So that's Mike's way of, like,
figuring it all out

and her testimony years ago,
which cut me off.

Even without the interview--
the interview solidified it.

Her testimony:
"He forced oral sex on me."

And I said, "Damn,
he made you suck his dick?

That's terrible."

He ate her pussy.

That's when it was, like,
case, case dismissed.

'Cause, what rapist tries
to make you feel wonderful?

I've been eating
pussy a long time...

and I never eat it rapey.

How the fuck do you do--

"Shut up, bitch; shut up!

"Shut up while I eat
your pussy.

"Shut up while I peel away
the outer lips

"and slide the hood back
to expose your clitoris,

"for maximum stimulation.

Shut the fuck up!"

You can't even make a mean face
while you eat pussy.

You'd be like, "Shut up!"

"You better not be
enjoying this shit!"

Has any woman here been getting
her pussy eaten and been going,

[feminizes voice]

Help! He's eating my pussy.
Somebody do something!"

"Shut up, nobody hear
your cries."

Oh, I knew that dude
Mark Hackey did it.

Mark Hackey's the other
Scott Peterson.

But he didn't get away with it.

He admitted he did it
right away.

He just couldn't
take the pressure.

But I knew
he did it immediately.

'Cause he was on TV crying,
being dishonest.

He was on TV:

"Oh, sob, please, please.

Help me find my
missing wife, please."

And I was like, "That
motherfucker killed his wife."


'Cause no man cries...

over his missing wife.

That's not enough.

We don't like you like that.

I'ma party for a week
before I'll be like,

"Hold up, hold up,
turn the music down.

"This bitch is missing.

Hold up, yo,
you see this bitch?

"Where she at?

"The dishes have piled
the fuck up.

Where she at?"

His reaction wasn't honest.

We do not like you like that.

Here's what would happen
if you came up missing.

First, a day go by.

He's like,
"She's cheating on me."

The second day, we don't even
think about you.

We start thinking
about ourselves,

like, "Oh, they gonna think
I killed this motherfucker."

So the whole second day,
you're like,

"God damn,
I should call the cops.

"But they're going to think
I killed her,

but I didn't kill her."

So the third day, you call like,

"Officer, my wife is--
am I calling too early?

"She's been missing
for three days.

"Is that too early to call you?

"How did I notice she was gone?

"Well, I haven't been miserable
for the last couple of days.

Yeah, the bitch is missing."

You feel that shit?

I'm asking--
I'm talking to the fellas.

Did you feel
that just now?

Did you feel the vaginas, like--
did you feel that shit?

It's funny.

Like, I love that shit when
the pussies just like--

did you feel how the mood
just stopped?

When the pussies just--
they give you the pussy-beam.

You feel it when they just
look at you

like, "I'm supposed
to stop

what the fuck I want to say
and shit?"

And they just--
[laser noise]

They just--
[laser noise]

[laser noise]

And it happened
all at the same time.

You feel them?

Like, pussy powers, activate!

Form of...

Form of a giant pussy,
shape of a billy-club.

[laser noise]

Look, don't be upset about it.

Do your job.

That's your job is just
to make men's fun miserable.

Your job is, when motherfuckers
is right at that cusp

of having a great time,
y'all just fuck it up.

Look at all the guys looking
straight ahead,

looking just straight ahead,

not even giving the bitch

She's looking at him like this.

'Cause the know
the pussy-beam.

[laser noise]

But that's what you all do.

Soon as y'all get to something
y'all don't like,

it's just shut it down.

But really, fundamentally,
just on on a primal level,

we don't like you.

We don't like you.

We don't ever want
to really see you.

Like, you never heard four guys
hanging out a party, right,

and one of them goes,

"You know what would make
this party even better?

"If my girl was here.

She's funny as a motherfucker."

[laser noise]

And the only reason
that we don't go,

"Get the fuck outta here,"

is 'cause women are the worse
terrorists there are,

worse than Al Qaeda,
'cause this is what y'all do:

you hold the pussy hostage

and threaten to kill it

if we don't listen
to your horrendous nonsense.

And you make it read a letter.

The pussy be reading a letter,


"Please, listen to her story,
or she's going to kill me,

and you'll never see me again!"

Look at them, look, look, look.

This posture just ain't good
when girls are doing...

Girls be like,

[feminizes voice]
"He hates women!
He hates women!"

Somebody gotta tell you.

Let me ask you a question.

Here's a question.
Here's a serious question.

Okay, ladies, if you
didn't have a vagina--

like, say it was a terrible
train accident, right,

and the doctor was like,

"We have to remove
your pussy right away...

or you're going to die."

How would you
keep your man past--

you get a two-month, guilty,

"I can't leave the bitch
right away

'cause she just lost her pussy
in a train accident."

Can't just walk
right out on them.

How would you keep
your man past that

if you didn't have a vagina?

Well, how?

You can talk; you can talk.

[woman responds]

Suck his dick? Okay, mouth.

[various responses]

Anal sex.

Asshole, okay, great.

Do you see what I'm saying?

Now, I've been getting

the whole show, right,

but I give women
the opportunity to say,

"I'm going to make myself
worth more."

But you just classified yourself
as a series of hos, but--

but, you know, I'm--

I'm supposed
to treat you special,

but you just a bunch
of hos tp yourself.

No one said, "Learn how to play
Xbox; learn how to play pool;

"tell better stories;

get another bitch that's got
a pussy to come on in."

Well, look, whatever.

Plus, when you get
a certain age,

pussy is not what it was
when you was younger.

I like pussy differently.

I don't know what
the difference is,

but it's like,

I don't get excited
about the idea of getting pussy.

Like, I only fuck so I have
a memory to jerk off to later.

I can't enjoy it until later on
when I'm jerking off to it.

I'm like,
"Oh, this is going to be good

"as a motherfucker later,

"when I'm beating off to it,

"when I can just really enjoy
this shit,

instead of looking."

I've been jerking off
in the shower so long,

I'm surprised a baby hasn't
crawled out the drain yet.

[woman laughs]


I'm just saying,
you know what it is.

Like, it's sad;
it really is,

like, that you feel so
comfortable making us miserable.

I don't understand what it is.

Like, what is that?
What is it?

When you just go, "Hey,
I'm comfy; I'm just comfy."

It's reverse rape.

It's not the same rape
men inflict upon women.

And if you could, ladies,
you would.

You would rape us.

You would come out of a bush
with a gun:

"Gimme some dick, motherfucker."

Well, we'd be laughing.

First of all,
what you got a gun for?

"Shut up, motherfucker;
pull your dick out."

You'd be like, "Uh."

You got to pretend to be scared.

"Oh, God, oh, please,
oh, make me fuck you."

It just--

So what you do is emotional.

It's a different kind of rape.

Because you don't deal
with rejection.

Women are not built to be
rejected on a daily basis,

so if you was to let
a guy know how you feel

about him every day
and he's like,

"Look, I don't like
you like that,"

that would just destroy you.

So what you do is, you force us
to have emotions first

that you already have.

But you make us say it first,
so you don't get rejected

from your emotions.

Here's woman rape. Ready?

[feminizes voice]
"You miss me?"

And if you say,
"No, I don't miss you,"

then she kills the pussy;
the pussy's dead.

But if you say yes
and you don't mean it,

that's where the rape is.

I've said,
"Honey, hey, I love you"

and didn't mean it,

and I wanted
to take a shower after.

I want to lay in the tub
in the fetal position and cry,

'cause I lied to a bitch
about how I felt.

Now she thinks
I like it like that.

And we do that because
women can't handle,

like, surface happiness.

You just won't be happy
on the surface.

You gotta ask a question
all the time.

You ever eat a girl's pussy
for the first time and she goes,

[feminizes voice]
"Can I ask you a question?

Have you done that to a lot
of other women?"

Yes! Yes, of course.

Did I look like I had
any difficulty finding

where the fuck to go?

"Ooh, that's my spot.
How'd you know?"

'Cause it's
everybody's spot, bitch.

You're not special.

Behind the neck!

What you got,
different nerve endings?

You want to know how
to keep your man happy?

I'm telling you.

'Cause it's desire you want.

You don't want the guy
to just fucking, like,

be into you
'cause you want him to be.

You want him to love you
and shit.

Here's how you do it.

First of all,

first thing you do,
don't ever talk to him.

Don't talk to him ever.

Just shut the fuck up
with your nonsense; don't talk.

Just don't talk.

He'll love you if you'd
leave him the fuck alone.

Secondly, in the bedroom,
you gotta be a $15 hooker.

Disgusting, you gotta
embarrass your parents.

You gotta do horrendous,
horrendous shit

in the bedroom;
you have to.

If you don't,
he's gonna leave you.

'Cause we need filth;
we're visual; we're visual.

So like you have to be a whore.

You ever fuck a women
with dignity all the time?

Like, she
always has self-respect?

And you're trying to push her
head down in the pillow

and lift her ass up.

And she gets into some
civil rights shit

when she won't go down.


And she's looking at you like,
"You ain't gonna subjugate me

and put me--enslave me."

Now, I don't even argue no more.

I just--I don't even get--

As soon as I feel that shit,

I just take both her arms
and pull them back,

and her head's just--

Now I try--I try to give you
the opportunity

for us to be a partnership.

Like, when you're a whore,
be a whore for you.

Don't be a whore for me.

We know the difference.

Be a whore--

Like, when you suck dick,
don't go, "Eh..."

Never do--make a sound
between retarded and choking.

That's sexy to us.

[gagging noise]
Like that.

And act like you're--
and brush your teeth.

[gagging noise]

That motherfucker be like,

"Jesus Christ,
this bitch is a fucking whore!

"I gotta marry this bitch.

You want to get married?"

[gagging noise]

I gotta go.

You all take care.

Thank you; thank you very much,
appreciate it.

Copyright 2005
Home Box Office, Inc.