One Night Stand (1989–1992): Season 4, Episode 7 - Command Performance: Allan Havey - full transcript
Tonight from Miami Beach, Florida...
HBO presents...
starring in a command performance on...
And now, here's Allan Havey!
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
It's great to be here. I'm from Miami.
I've been taking cabs a lot,
But I like them
Because when I drive, I get pissed.
When I ride, I pay somebody
to get pissed for me.
"here's my money. You get pissed."
And they do.
"son of a bitch."
You're in the back seat.
"Tell him, baby.
Hey, that guy cut you off."
"Thank you.
You ass. You big ass thing."
I love foreign cab drivers
Because when they first get here,
They don't know how to curse.
"you son of bastard. You shit foot.
"you mother cock-a-doodle
douche basket.
"Come here. Piss on my nose.
Right down my nose, bastard."
Ah, it's the stress--
The stress of living in the city.
Miami, New York, L.A.--
Wherever you live in the city.
We all flip out.
You're a normal, regular person,
But you're in line at the bank,
And suddenly, you snap.
"hey, buddy. First time
on the cash machine?"
You know?
And then you pull back,
And you're normal again.
But some people don't pull back.
They stay in that mode.
"Roosevelt killed my wife,
you bastard.
"I remember J. Edgar Hoover
when he was a child,
And I know..."
I was here last March
for a wedding.
I'm on Miami Beach--
beautiful day, sunshiny day,
Waves, sun tan lotion, everything.
And this guy is walking
down Miami Beach--
Two paper bags.
"it's raining on my furniture.
It's raining all over my furniture."
And I'm thinking,
how did he get there?
I don't think I'm better than him.
I just haven't snapped yet.
He probably started out
like us--
"have a nice day."
But then he became,
"it's raining on my furniture."
What was that trip like?
Huh? I mean, it was just like--
What's your name?
Betty? I'm Bob.
You want to go out?
O.K.
This is great.
Let's go out again.
Hey, I love you.
You love me? Let's live together.
It's working out. Let's get married.
This is great.
I got a wife and a job.
We got a baby!
My wife and I put on weight.
We hardly make love,
But we have another baby.
We hardly make love.
We got two babies now.
I'm working overtime.
My wife and I never
make love anymore.
It really pisses me off,
and I'm working hard.
Go to hell!
Not you, boss. Sorry.
I'm having sexual problems.
I'm fired? Honey, I'm fired.
Oh, sleeping with the neighbor! Great!
Your honor, I want a divorce.
She gets the house and kids.
Now I've got an apartment.
I can't find a job.
No, I can't pay. Evict me!
Now I'm out in the street
with my furniture.
It's raining!
It can happen so quickly, you know.
That's why I love living in the cities.
I love that stress and tension.
I love Miami, New York,
and Los Angeles.
It's the middle of the country
That scares the hell out of me.
That's where all those
weird murders happen
Because people have time to think.
"what will we do today?"
You read about it.
"grandmother found
in deepfreeze."
"I thought she was a roast,"
says perplexed son.
I drove from New York
to San Francisco,
And I stopped in Nebraska
because I had to.
Like an idiot, I took the scenic route.
I guess I needed to see corn.
I pull into a gas station.
Bing-bing.
Remember those days?
Bing-bing.
The guy would actually run out.
He runs out.
What's he doing that for?
Oh, he's going to put
gas in my car. Wow.
The guy comes out.
He goes, "Hey. Hey. Hey."
"You're from New York, ain't you?"
Yeah. How'd you know?
"License plate.
Ha ha ha!"
"Well, you got me there."
"Ha ha ha!"
"Just put the gas in the car."
"Hey, a lot of weird people
in New York, huh?"
"Yeah. You'd have to wait in line."
"I would?"
"No. Just put the gas in the car."
"I'm never going to New York.
I might get murdered."
You're not going to get murdered.
Maybe, but what are the odds?
There's 8 million people there.
There's always somebody
to hide behind
Or shove in front of you.
In Nebraska, you're sticking out
like a sore thumb.
That's why I like New York.
You get that aggression out.
As a farmer,
how do you release tension?
You can't.
In New York, you're walking--
"Don't bump me! Where's my train?"
"He's got a gun!"
You get it out.
You get it out.
You sit on a tractor in a corn field
For nine hours.
You've got to take
a chain saw to somebody.
Just don't touch anybody.
You'll be O.K.
You can touch in Miami.
Somebody cuts in line--
"excuse me, sir--"
touch, touch.
You can touch people in Miami.
If somebody gets in front
of you in New York,
Let him go.
You don't know
what he's holding,
How much lithium he's on.
"Excuse me, sir--
Oh, my god, a knife."
It's over. You're dead.
You have capital punishment
in Florida, don't you?
Oh, yes, you do.
It's the capital punishment
capital of the world.
What do you call the chair here?
Sparky--an aficionado back there.
Some people say lethal injection
is more humane.
I'm against capital punishment,
But if you're going to do it, do it--
Hang them, shoot them,
gas them, fry them.
Or if you want
to make it more humane,
I say surprise them.
I mean--I mean,
they live on death row.
They got to be
expecting it, kind of.
Middle of the night,
3:00 in the morning--
[creaky door opening]
"Butch, the governor said no."
But, I mean,
inject him--
Who's the executioner?
A registered nurse?
Black hood, a little white cap.
"Do you want it
in the fanny or the arm?"
Before they inject them,
Do they wipe their arm with alcohol?
We don't want to infect you.
We just want to kill you.
I read a guy in Indiana
got shot in the head.
He was talking in the movies.
I said good.
Maybe he'll think next time.
Don't you hate people
that talk in movies?
They're not even talking
about the movie.
"Oh, we have sheets like that."
Shut up, man.
I went to see Sex, lies, and videotape
with my ex-girlfriend.
I was seeing her.
We broke up,
but we were having sympathy sex.
"Have you found anybody else?"
"No. Have you?"
"No."
Wah wah.
So we're watching
the movie,
And this woman behind us--
Every 10th line she starts
to repeat and comment on.
"Oh, on the sofa with the thing
na na na na...."
"Oh, iced tea. I like it, too.
Na na na."
But I zen-master this out
because I have that ability.
But my ex-girlfriend says,
"Excuse me.
Could you be quiet, please?"
This woman sticks her face
into our aisle.
"I'm sorry. Do I know you?"
I'm thinking, "Oh, shit.
I've got the penis.
I've got to do something."
I said, "Miss, could you
keep it down, please?"
"I think I'm allowed to laugh."
She's one of these pseudo-lesbian
performance artist
cappuccino--you know.
You know what I mean?
She's got a baret
and vagina earrings on.
"I think I'm allowed to laugh."
I said, "Yes, but you're talking."
"I think I can discuss cinema.
Why don't you move?"
I'm not moving.
I pissed out my territory.
I'm getting the usher.
So I wake up the usher
and bring him down.
The usher says, "Lady,
you have to be quiet."
"I wasn't talking.
They were talking."
At this point, I can't
enjoy the movie anymore.
I say to myself,
"The hell with it."
I'm taking everybody with me.
You know that feeling you get
when you know what
you're going to do--
nobody else does,
but they'll find out real soon?
I opened my legs
and said, "shut your mouth, go home
and watch cartoons you bitch!"
It was so loud,
people on the screen turned.
You know, it's--
"We're doing a movie up here."
Got my money back
And got back together
with my ex-girlfriend
Because we bonded.
Those are the best dates--
doing something together.
That's why Charles Manson
had so many girlfriends.
He had projects for them.
They worked together on things.
I hate to date.
You ever been on a death date?
20 minutes into the date,
You realize you made a huge mistake.
You have another three hours
with this nitwit.
You'd rather be doing anything--
Laundry, logarithms,
Waiting for your luggage at the airport.
I would rather be at the airport going,
"That's not it.
No. It looks like that,
but that's not it."
Women go on more death dates
than men, right?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You're on a death date tonight, huh?
No, but you see women on death dates.
They're in a restaurant.
The guy won't shut up.
Who's he talking about, ladies? Himself.
"My father owns the company,
"but I would have made
vice president anyway."
Salad, croutons, anchovies
flying out of his mouth.
I saw this couple
In the popcorn line at the movies.
It was obviously a death date.
He wouldn't shut up.
The woman's about to flip out.
I'm behind her, giving him
the international male signal--
"Shut up, or you're not
getting laid" sign.
And...
And he was just--
"would you like some popcorn?
"would you like butter?
"actually, it's butter flavoring.
I was reading an article--"
Aah!
Relationships-- easy to start.
People say it's tough
to get into a relationship.
No. Easy to start, tough to end.
Leaving a relationship
when it's time
Would save you 15 years
off your life.
Women, when they break up,
give a million reasons why--
He wasn't romantic enough,
He turned into a jerk.
You ask men
why they broke up with women,
They'll tell you the same thing.
"she went nuts."
That's it. She went nuts.
And other men will accept this.
"I know what you mean.
It happened to me."
My buddy broke up.
"what happened?"
"she went nuts."
"no. What happened?"
"I slept with her sister. She went nuts."
Women complain that we don't communicate.
Men communicate great,
especially with each other.
This guy down here.
Good. How you doing, buddy?
He gave me the guy nod.
You know, it's "hi."
Two guys get on an elevator.
They don't know each other.
One guy goes, "hey"--
the other, "hey."
That's a guy nod.
It says, "I'm a guy,
you're a guy, hey."
You're in a restaurant.
Your girlfriend's
bitching at you.
At another table,
there's a guy, like, "hey."
Guy nod.
I want to get married.
It would be nice.
I'd like to have kids
someday--not yet.
I still want to play a little bit.
I have a nephew--Adam--
lives in Florida--
4 years old, he's retired.
I came down to visit him,
And I took him to the movies.
It's a drag putting a kid in a car now,
Using that child-protection seat--
Strap him in, get the spine lock on.
We didn't have this
when we were kids.
We slid around on the back seat.
Rolled into traffic, dodged cars.
We waited on the side of the road
and ate grasshoppers
until our parent realized
and came back and got us.
We were men.
So I get my nephew
in the back.
He's all excited he's going
to see Beauty and the Beast
"uncle Allan,
Beauty and the Beast--"
"Yeah, I know."
"Beauty and the Beast."
"I know."
"The castle."
"Shut--all right.
"You'll see the Beauty
and the goddamned Beast.
"We'll Beast and Beauty together.
Shut the hell up."
So I'm driving.
There's silence.
Uncle Allan, guess what."
"What?"
"I got a penis."
I guess he just found out.
You know kids. They want
to share the knowledge.
But in typical male ego,
knee-jerk reaction,
I say, "Yeah?
Well, I got one, too,
And it's pretty damn big."
I didn't say that.
Yes, I did.
So I'm paying.
I ask him for money.
He looks at me
like he has none.
You know kids.
They always hold back.
Allan, I got to go pee.
And you got to come 'cause I need
supervision. "that's very good, Adam."
In the bathroom and unbuckling his belt
and having some problems.
I said,
"do you want help?"
"I can do
my penis myself!"
And people pop up.
They run in.
I'm standing there like,
"um..."
"O.K., my nephew."
"Me, being your uncle
with proper identification,
Will just watch."
So he whips it out--
Well, he doesn't really
whip it out, he's 4 years old.
It's more like a bink.
And he's standing about 4 feet
away from the urinal.
I'm laughing, like "Adam..."
"I know what to do!"
Zip! Like a laser line of urine.
Not a drop on the floor.
I'm amazed. I'm blown away.
I'm 37. I got to stand
with my head against the wall.
I'm praying to Isaac Newton
for gravity, man.
He's got that '88 penis.
I got the '54.
They don't make them
like the '54 anymore.
They got fins
in the back,
Lots of room
to move around in.
I broke up with my girlfriend
three months ago.
Aw.
It works. It works, guys.
It's like having a puppy. "aw."
Well, you know,
the reason I broke up--
I caught her faking an orgasm.
Ew it, and I got out of bed.
E's ke, "o oh!"
[whistles]
Meryl Streep, I'm over here.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Some guy's banging your head
against the headboard.
"How do I get him to stop?
What will stop him?
oh, I know. He do neee!"
He'll bang your head against
the board. Hey, it worked last time.
If I'm talking about sex,
It's the politically correct
thing to say--safe sex.
Condoms--
I hate condoms.
Do they feel good, men?
Men, do they feel good?
No, do they feel good, men?
Sex with a condom
is like eating steak
with a balloon around your tongue.
You can feel it,
but you can't taste it, man.
I put a ribbed condom
on once inside out.
I felt great.
I just stood there.
Myd "come to bed."
"No, I'm O.K.
Give me the cable guide.
I'm good for the afternoon."
Safe sex--safe sex--
Dr. Ruth says the safest form
of sex is mutual masturbation.
I was on her show and I asked her
"what is mutual masturbation
Is that like when you masturbate
and watch each other?
Because I'll try anything once,
twice, or three times.
She said, "No.
"Mutual masturbation is
when you masturbate each other
"at the same time,
Bringing you
to a simultaneous--"
Yeah, right.
Couldn't choreographps
that, baby.
See, women can't do this
for men.
Men can do it for women
Because women give
explicit directions.
"To the right. That's it.
Harder, orgasm, and cut.
That's a print."
But, men, women cannot
do this for you.
This is something you have
perfected over the years.
Velocity, angle, you know the
longitude, and latitude,
and you know this from high school.
Remember making out
in your dad's car?
You were with your girlfriend,
And the windows
were steamed up.
You knew you weren't
going to have sex,
But you begged her for release.
"I need release.
It must come out."
She's like, "no, I--"
"Please. Just--just--
just touch it. Just touch it.
St--just--ju--
please, please."
"No."
Lease, please,
pleaseease."
"O.K. I'll touch it."
Thanks for the enthusiasm.
And you would try to guide
her verbally to your climax.."
You're like,
"O.K. A little faster.
"A little faster.
That's it. That's it.
Don't switch hands now!
Goddamn it!"
"No. No. No. No.
This is how you do it, and I came,
and good night.
But you don't want to assume
you're having sex anymore.
I've been dating this woman
for about three weeks.
We went out on three dates,
And we didn't have sex.
I wasn't assuming.
But we go back to her apartment.
I'm not assuming
we're going to have sex.
I go into the bathroom,
Spritz my pits,
talcum in the shorts--in case.
I come out, and the lights are low.
Music is on. The candles are lit.
She's on her black leather
Scandinavian couch
in her bra and panties--
Pink with white trim,
for you guys keeping score.
I'm an adult, I just looked
at her and say "Aah!"
I take my pants off,
But I leave my shoes on for traction.
I don't want to get rug burns.
I'm like, "Let's go!"
"Aren't you wearing a condom?"
"No. I had an aids test.
Everything's O.K."
"What if we mix blood?"
"This isn't a voodoo ritual.
Let's go."
"What if you have a cut on your penis?"
"What if I have a what?"
"A cut on your penis."
"A cut on my--
I haven't thought of that."
Guys,
and just the guys now--
how ny times in your lifetime
Have you cut your penis?
Huh?
Oh, I know myself,
two or three times a week.
I'm always banging it
into something.
You know how that penis
gets in the way.
You're making a salad--
oop, cut my penis.
You're mowing the lawn--
Oh. Oh. My penis slipped
under the mower.
How did that happen?
"Honey, do we have
any penis band-aids?
We're out. Oh, damn."
I don't let a knife or a blade
get anywhere near my penis.
I'm funny that way, you know.
Even when I shave, it's up.
I tell you, man.
I ran into an old buddy
of mine here in Miami
He's been married
for about five years.
He's got a couple of kids,
things are going great.
I talked to him because a
lot of marriages don't work.
He goes, "it's great."
I said, "I don't want
to get personal,
But sexually, how's it going?"
"Oh. Sex is on a whole level.
"it's a whole new level kind of a thing.
We don't have oral sex as much...
"you don't have oral sex?"
No, but I don't miss it.
If I get married I want to have oral sex.
I love to give it and receive it.
I am a Christian.
It's the way I am. Many guys complain
about not enough oral sex.
women, if you don't
get enough oral sex,
Get an hbo special
and tell your story.
But it was like--
There are three types of women
who will perform oral sex.
First, she likes to give it to you
as much as you love to receive it.
And if you meet a woman like that,
marry her today.
Love will follow. Trust me.
It's like emptying the garbage--
If she doesn't, somebody else will,
There will be an argument,
she might as well.
Now, a lot of women want to know
What's the big deal, why do
men like oral sex so much?
We, I'm going to tell you.
First of all,
you get to sit down.
This is my favorite
sexual position.
I won't bang my head.
I won't pull a muscle.
This is my favorite
I like missionary.
I like doggie-style,
but I'll take lazy-boy any day.
No saber-toothed tiger
will get us, honey.
Now, guys, have you ever had
this sick thought?
You're in your living room,
And you're receiving
this joyous gift of love,
which is what it is,
And you look over on the coffee table...
and you see the remote.
And it...It...
If I could just... If I could just
hit the power and the mute button...
I'm home free baby.
Hey, you've been a great crowd,
thank you very much. Thank you.
HBO presents...
starring in a command performance on...
And now, here's Allan Havey!
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
It's great to be here. I'm from Miami.
I've been taking cabs a lot,
But I like them
Because when I drive, I get pissed.
When I ride, I pay somebody
to get pissed for me.
"here's my money. You get pissed."
And they do.
"son of a bitch."
You're in the back seat.
"Tell him, baby.
Hey, that guy cut you off."
"Thank you.
You ass. You big ass thing."
I love foreign cab drivers
Because when they first get here,
They don't know how to curse.
"you son of bastard. You shit foot.
"you mother cock-a-doodle
douche basket.
"Come here. Piss on my nose.
Right down my nose, bastard."
Ah, it's the stress--
The stress of living in the city.
Miami, New York, L.A.--
Wherever you live in the city.
We all flip out.
You're a normal, regular person,
But you're in line at the bank,
And suddenly, you snap.
"hey, buddy. First time
on the cash machine?"
You know?
And then you pull back,
And you're normal again.
But some people don't pull back.
They stay in that mode.
"Roosevelt killed my wife,
you bastard.
"I remember J. Edgar Hoover
when he was a child,
And I know..."
I was here last March
for a wedding.
I'm on Miami Beach--
beautiful day, sunshiny day,
Waves, sun tan lotion, everything.
And this guy is walking
down Miami Beach--
Two paper bags.
"it's raining on my furniture.
It's raining all over my furniture."
And I'm thinking,
how did he get there?
I don't think I'm better than him.
I just haven't snapped yet.
He probably started out
like us--
"have a nice day."
But then he became,
"it's raining on my furniture."
What was that trip like?
Huh? I mean, it was just like--
What's your name?
Betty? I'm Bob.
You want to go out?
O.K.
This is great.
Let's go out again.
Hey, I love you.
You love me? Let's live together.
It's working out. Let's get married.
This is great.
I got a wife and a job.
We got a baby!
My wife and I put on weight.
We hardly make love,
But we have another baby.
We hardly make love.
We got two babies now.
I'm working overtime.
My wife and I never
make love anymore.
It really pisses me off,
and I'm working hard.
Go to hell!
Not you, boss. Sorry.
I'm having sexual problems.
I'm fired? Honey, I'm fired.
Oh, sleeping with the neighbor! Great!
Your honor, I want a divorce.
She gets the house and kids.
Now I've got an apartment.
I can't find a job.
No, I can't pay. Evict me!
Now I'm out in the street
with my furniture.
It's raining!
It can happen so quickly, you know.
That's why I love living in the cities.
I love that stress and tension.
I love Miami, New York,
and Los Angeles.
It's the middle of the country
That scares the hell out of me.
That's where all those
weird murders happen
Because people have time to think.
"what will we do today?"
You read about it.
"grandmother found
in deepfreeze."
"I thought she was a roast,"
says perplexed son.
I drove from New York
to San Francisco,
And I stopped in Nebraska
because I had to.
Like an idiot, I took the scenic route.
I guess I needed to see corn.
I pull into a gas station.
Bing-bing.
Remember those days?
Bing-bing.
The guy would actually run out.
He runs out.
What's he doing that for?
Oh, he's going to put
gas in my car. Wow.
The guy comes out.
He goes, "Hey. Hey. Hey."
"You're from New York, ain't you?"
Yeah. How'd you know?
"License plate.
Ha ha ha!"
"Well, you got me there."
"Ha ha ha!"
"Just put the gas in the car."
"Hey, a lot of weird people
in New York, huh?"
"Yeah. You'd have to wait in line."
"I would?"
"No. Just put the gas in the car."
"I'm never going to New York.
I might get murdered."
You're not going to get murdered.
Maybe, but what are the odds?
There's 8 million people there.
There's always somebody
to hide behind
Or shove in front of you.
In Nebraska, you're sticking out
like a sore thumb.
That's why I like New York.
You get that aggression out.
As a farmer,
how do you release tension?
You can't.
In New York, you're walking--
"Don't bump me! Where's my train?"
"He's got a gun!"
You get it out.
You get it out.
You sit on a tractor in a corn field
For nine hours.
You've got to take
a chain saw to somebody.
Just don't touch anybody.
You'll be O.K.
You can touch in Miami.
Somebody cuts in line--
"excuse me, sir--"
touch, touch.
You can touch people in Miami.
If somebody gets in front
of you in New York,
Let him go.
You don't know
what he's holding,
How much lithium he's on.
"Excuse me, sir--
Oh, my god, a knife."
It's over. You're dead.
You have capital punishment
in Florida, don't you?
Oh, yes, you do.
It's the capital punishment
capital of the world.
What do you call the chair here?
Sparky--an aficionado back there.
Some people say lethal injection
is more humane.
I'm against capital punishment,
But if you're going to do it, do it--
Hang them, shoot them,
gas them, fry them.
Or if you want
to make it more humane,
I say surprise them.
I mean--I mean,
they live on death row.
They got to be
expecting it, kind of.
Middle of the night,
3:00 in the morning--
[creaky door opening]
"Butch, the governor said no."
But, I mean,
inject him--
Who's the executioner?
A registered nurse?
Black hood, a little white cap.
"Do you want it
in the fanny or the arm?"
Before they inject them,
Do they wipe their arm with alcohol?
We don't want to infect you.
We just want to kill you.
I read a guy in Indiana
got shot in the head.
He was talking in the movies.
I said good.
Maybe he'll think next time.
Don't you hate people
that talk in movies?
They're not even talking
about the movie.
"Oh, we have sheets like that."
Shut up, man.
I went to see Sex, lies, and videotape
with my ex-girlfriend.
I was seeing her.
We broke up,
but we were having sympathy sex.
"Have you found anybody else?"
"No. Have you?"
"No."
Wah wah.
So we're watching
the movie,
And this woman behind us--
Every 10th line she starts
to repeat and comment on.
"Oh, on the sofa with the thing
na na na na...."
"Oh, iced tea. I like it, too.
Na na na."
But I zen-master this out
because I have that ability.
But my ex-girlfriend says,
"Excuse me.
Could you be quiet, please?"
This woman sticks her face
into our aisle.
"I'm sorry. Do I know you?"
I'm thinking, "Oh, shit.
I've got the penis.
I've got to do something."
I said, "Miss, could you
keep it down, please?"
"I think I'm allowed to laugh."
She's one of these pseudo-lesbian
performance artist
cappuccino--you know.
You know what I mean?
She's got a baret
and vagina earrings on.
"I think I'm allowed to laugh."
I said, "Yes, but you're talking."
"I think I can discuss cinema.
Why don't you move?"
I'm not moving.
I pissed out my territory.
I'm getting the usher.
So I wake up the usher
and bring him down.
The usher says, "Lady,
you have to be quiet."
"I wasn't talking.
They were talking."
At this point, I can't
enjoy the movie anymore.
I say to myself,
"The hell with it."
I'm taking everybody with me.
You know that feeling you get
when you know what
you're going to do--
nobody else does,
but they'll find out real soon?
I opened my legs
and said, "shut your mouth, go home
and watch cartoons you bitch!"
It was so loud,
people on the screen turned.
You know, it's--
"We're doing a movie up here."
Got my money back
And got back together
with my ex-girlfriend
Because we bonded.
Those are the best dates--
doing something together.
That's why Charles Manson
had so many girlfriends.
He had projects for them.
They worked together on things.
I hate to date.
You ever been on a death date?
20 minutes into the date,
You realize you made a huge mistake.
You have another three hours
with this nitwit.
You'd rather be doing anything--
Laundry, logarithms,
Waiting for your luggage at the airport.
I would rather be at the airport going,
"That's not it.
No. It looks like that,
but that's not it."
Women go on more death dates
than men, right?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You're on a death date tonight, huh?
No, but you see women on death dates.
They're in a restaurant.
The guy won't shut up.
Who's he talking about, ladies? Himself.
"My father owns the company,
"but I would have made
vice president anyway."
Salad, croutons, anchovies
flying out of his mouth.
I saw this couple
In the popcorn line at the movies.
It was obviously a death date.
He wouldn't shut up.
The woman's about to flip out.
I'm behind her, giving him
the international male signal--
"Shut up, or you're not
getting laid" sign.
And...
And he was just--
"would you like some popcorn?
"would you like butter?
"actually, it's butter flavoring.
I was reading an article--"
Aah!
Relationships-- easy to start.
People say it's tough
to get into a relationship.
No. Easy to start, tough to end.
Leaving a relationship
when it's time
Would save you 15 years
off your life.
Women, when they break up,
give a million reasons why--
He wasn't romantic enough,
He turned into a jerk.
You ask men
why they broke up with women,
They'll tell you the same thing.
"she went nuts."
That's it. She went nuts.
And other men will accept this.
"I know what you mean.
It happened to me."
My buddy broke up.
"what happened?"
"she went nuts."
"no. What happened?"
"I slept with her sister. She went nuts."
Women complain that we don't communicate.
Men communicate great,
especially with each other.
This guy down here.
Good. How you doing, buddy?
He gave me the guy nod.
You know, it's "hi."
Two guys get on an elevator.
They don't know each other.
One guy goes, "hey"--
the other, "hey."
That's a guy nod.
It says, "I'm a guy,
you're a guy, hey."
You're in a restaurant.
Your girlfriend's
bitching at you.
At another table,
there's a guy, like, "hey."
Guy nod.
I want to get married.
It would be nice.
I'd like to have kids
someday--not yet.
I still want to play a little bit.
I have a nephew--Adam--
lives in Florida--
4 years old, he's retired.
I came down to visit him,
And I took him to the movies.
It's a drag putting a kid in a car now,
Using that child-protection seat--
Strap him in, get the spine lock on.
We didn't have this
when we were kids.
We slid around on the back seat.
Rolled into traffic, dodged cars.
We waited on the side of the road
and ate grasshoppers
until our parent realized
and came back and got us.
We were men.
So I get my nephew
in the back.
He's all excited he's going
to see Beauty and the Beast
"uncle Allan,
Beauty and the Beast--"
"Yeah, I know."
"Beauty and the Beast."
"I know."
"The castle."
"Shut--all right.
"You'll see the Beauty
and the goddamned Beast.
"We'll Beast and Beauty together.
Shut the hell up."
So I'm driving.
There's silence.
Uncle Allan, guess what."
"What?"
"I got a penis."
I guess he just found out.
You know kids. They want
to share the knowledge.
But in typical male ego,
knee-jerk reaction,
I say, "Yeah?
Well, I got one, too,
And it's pretty damn big."
I didn't say that.
Yes, I did.
So I'm paying.
I ask him for money.
He looks at me
like he has none.
You know kids.
They always hold back.
Allan, I got to go pee.
And you got to come 'cause I need
supervision. "that's very good, Adam."
In the bathroom and unbuckling his belt
and having some problems.
I said,
"do you want help?"
"I can do
my penis myself!"
And people pop up.
They run in.
I'm standing there like,
"um..."
"O.K., my nephew."
"Me, being your uncle
with proper identification,
Will just watch."
So he whips it out--
Well, he doesn't really
whip it out, he's 4 years old.
It's more like a bink.
And he's standing about 4 feet
away from the urinal.
I'm laughing, like "Adam..."
"I know what to do!"
Zip! Like a laser line of urine.
Not a drop on the floor.
I'm amazed. I'm blown away.
I'm 37. I got to stand
with my head against the wall.
I'm praying to Isaac Newton
for gravity, man.
He's got that '88 penis.
I got the '54.
They don't make them
like the '54 anymore.
They got fins
in the back,
Lots of room
to move around in.
I broke up with my girlfriend
three months ago.
Aw.
It works. It works, guys.
It's like having a puppy. "aw."
Well, you know,
the reason I broke up--
I caught her faking an orgasm.
Ew it, and I got out of bed.
E's ke, "o oh!"
[whistles]
Meryl Streep, I'm over here.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Some guy's banging your head
against the headboard.
"How do I get him to stop?
What will stop him?
oh, I know. He do neee!"
He'll bang your head against
the board. Hey, it worked last time.
If I'm talking about sex,
It's the politically correct
thing to say--safe sex.
Condoms--
I hate condoms.
Do they feel good, men?
Men, do they feel good?
No, do they feel good, men?
Sex with a condom
is like eating steak
with a balloon around your tongue.
You can feel it,
but you can't taste it, man.
I put a ribbed condom
on once inside out.
I felt great.
I just stood there.
Myd "come to bed."
"No, I'm O.K.
Give me the cable guide.
I'm good for the afternoon."
Safe sex--safe sex--
Dr. Ruth says the safest form
of sex is mutual masturbation.
I was on her show and I asked her
"what is mutual masturbation
Is that like when you masturbate
and watch each other?
Because I'll try anything once,
twice, or three times.
She said, "No.
"Mutual masturbation is
when you masturbate each other
"at the same time,
Bringing you
to a simultaneous--"
Yeah, right.
Couldn't choreographps
that, baby.
See, women can't do this
for men.
Men can do it for women
Because women give
explicit directions.
"To the right. That's it.
Harder, orgasm, and cut.
That's a print."
But, men, women cannot
do this for you.
This is something you have
perfected over the years.
Velocity, angle, you know the
longitude, and latitude,
and you know this from high school.
Remember making out
in your dad's car?
You were with your girlfriend,
And the windows
were steamed up.
You knew you weren't
going to have sex,
But you begged her for release.
"I need release.
It must come out."
She's like, "no, I--"
"Please. Just--just--
just touch it. Just touch it.
St--just--ju--
please, please."
"No."
Lease, please,
pleaseease."
"O.K. I'll touch it."
Thanks for the enthusiasm.
And you would try to guide
her verbally to your climax.."
You're like,
"O.K. A little faster.
"A little faster.
That's it. That's it.
Don't switch hands now!
Goddamn it!"
"No. No. No. No.
This is how you do it, and I came,
and good night.
But you don't want to assume
you're having sex anymore.
I've been dating this woman
for about three weeks.
We went out on three dates,
And we didn't have sex.
I wasn't assuming.
But we go back to her apartment.
I'm not assuming
we're going to have sex.
I go into the bathroom,
Spritz my pits,
talcum in the shorts--in case.
I come out, and the lights are low.
Music is on. The candles are lit.
She's on her black leather
Scandinavian couch
in her bra and panties--
Pink with white trim,
for you guys keeping score.
I'm an adult, I just looked
at her and say "Aah!"
I take my pants off,
But I leave my shoes on for traction.
I don't want to get rug burns.
I'm like, "Let's go!"
"Aren't you wearing a condom?"
"No. I had an aids test.
Everything's O.K."
"What if we mix blood?"
"This isn't a voodoo ritual.
Let's go."
"What if you have a cut on your penis?"
"What if I have a what?"
"A cut on your penis."
"A cut on my--
I haven't thought of that."
Guys,
and just the guys now--
how ny times in your lifetime
Have you cut your penis?
Huh?
Oh, I know myself,
two or three times a week.
I'm always banging it
into something.
You know how that penis
gets in the way.
You're making a salad--
oop, cut my penis.
You're mowing the lawn--
Oh. Oh. My penis slipped
under the mower.
How did that happen?
"Honey, do we have
any penis band-aids?
We're out. Oh, damn."
I don't let a knife or a blade
get anywhere near my penis.
I'm funny that way, you know.
Even when I shave, it's up.
I tell you, man.
I ran into an old buddy
of mine here in Miami
He's been married
for about five years.
He's got a couple of kids,
things are going great.
I talked to him because a
lot of marriages don't work.
He goes, "it's great."
I said, "I don't want
to get personal,
But sexually, how's it going?"
"Oh. Sex is on a whole level.
"it's a whole new level kind of a thing.
We don't have oral sex as much...
"you don't have oral sex?"
No, but I don't miss it.
If I get married I want to have oral sex.
I love to give it and receive it.
I am a Christian.
It's the way I am. Many guys complain
about not enough oral sex.
women, if you don't
get enough oral sex,
Get an hbo special
and tell your story.
But it was like--
There are three types of women
who will perform oral sex.
First, she likes to give it to you
as much as you love to receive it.
And if you meet a woman like that,
marry her today.
Love will follow. Trust me.
It's like emptying the garbage--
If she doesn't, somebody else will,
There will be an argument,
she might as well.
Now, a lot of women want to know
What's the big deal, why do
men like oral sex so much?
We, I'm going to tell you.
First of all,
you get to sit down.
This is my favorite
sexual position.
I won't bang my head.
I won't pull a muscle.
This is my favorite
I like missionary.
I like doggie-style,
but I'll take lazy-boy any day.
No saber-toothed tiger
will get us, honey.
Now, guys, have you ever had
this sick thought?
You're in your living room,
And you're receiving
this joyous gift of love,
which is what it is,
And you look over on the coffee table...
and you see the remote.
And it...It...
If I could just... If I could just
hit the power and the mute button...
I'm home free baby.
Hey, you've been a great crowd,
thank you very much. Thank you.