One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 6, Episode 4 - Threatening Weather - full transcript

It's the hottest night of the year and Victor sprays himself to keep cool but, due to a power cut, fails to realize the spray is hair lacquer. Having discovered that he was shot at whilst passing a siege and told off two kids who were having sex in his car he has to entertain an annoying and incontinent neighbor whose wife has been taken to hospital and who insists on being read aloud to.

Ah. Misery me.


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Beggars belief, doesn't it?

We haven't got one decent candle
in the whole house.

Don't know how long this lot are going to last.

—Don't know where to put them for the best.
—I know where I'd like to put them.

Just be patient.

I expect it'll come back on any minute.


And stop sighing like that.
You're sucking up all the oxygen.

Typical, isn't it?
The hottest day of the bloody year.

What a good job we bought these three
giant Chillmaster electric fans last week.

They're just the ticket for a night like this.

—I have a good mind to go to bed.
—Well, why don't you?

I wouldn't sleep this early. I never get off
till about 3:00 in the morning as it is.

Just lying there all tense and jittery.

Don't I know it.

The way you were twitching about on your stomach
last night like a porpoise having a seizure.

Squirming about with your bottom
all clenched up to kingdom come.

God knows what you were dreaming about.

I told you not to watch Deliverance
before you went to bed.

There'll be claw marks on that headboard now
for evermore.

Some people grind their teeth in their sleep.
You grind your buttocks.

Yes, all right.

I could have sharpened a pencil
up there last night.

I said, all right.

I don't want to be reminded about it,
thank you very much.

And don't open that window.
We'll be eaten alive by mosquitoes.

It's the same every summer.

That ruddy ornamental pond of hers
across the road turns into a public health hazard.

No, perhaps I'll just stick my head
in the fish tank.

I mean, what am I supposed to do?

It's like a bake house in here.

Look at these chrysanths.
Three days and wilting already.

Never mind plant food.
I should give you a sachet of Viagra.

Bloody things.


I got that sharp pain all down my front again.

You can't tell me that's wind.

All those monkey nuts
you were eating in the bath,

I should think it's shaping up for a cyclone.

Lying there with all the little husks floating
about like canoes.

No wonder you didn't finish your tea.

Yes, well, I needed a bath after buggering about
all morning with that new lawn mower.

Three words destined to strike fear into any man.

"Easy home assembly."

Just putting the grass box together
took four hours.

Every time you got a bit to stay in,
so another bit would pop out.

I'll be forcing chrome shafts into snap rings
in my sleep tonight.

Doesn't matter how much you pay
for something nowadays,

they still expect you to put it together.

"Yes. Here's your boarding pass
for the flight to Rome, Mr Meldrew.

"You'll find the plane lying
in a flat pack at Gate 13.

"Complete with a full set of instructions."

Same with that lampshade I put up the other day.

The chains on that were all lopsided.

So you've told me, about 100 times.


Wonder fl R's ("John's Syndrome.

Will you stop prodding at it?

You've been to the doctor's.

He's given you a thorough checkup all over.

Yes, that was another thing.

I got undressed
and suddenly he starts staring at my feet

and whistling as though
he's never seen anything like it.

He said, "Do you mind
if I take a photo of these for The Lancet?"

—I mean, what was that all about?
—Well, why didn't you ask him?

Well, I didn't like to,
in case it was something hideous.

Something else I've got to worry about.

Both burning up. I can tell you that much.


I wish I had bought that foot spa now
we saw in Debenhams.

Could have that lovely water whirling all over them
and freshening them up.

Any minute now, the cap.

And if I ever find the bastards who did this,

they'll know about it, I can tell you that much.

Coming to it, when you can't put your cap down
on a pub table to go to the toilet

without someone stubbing a cigarette out in it.

If that's what happened.

Well, I don't imagine it's a moth
with a very healthy appetite.

Some yob's idea of an hilarious prank.

Why don't you go upstairs and do your Tai Chi?
It might help you relax.

It doesn't help me relax.
It makes me feel like a complete idiot.

Well, Mr and Mrs Elsberry swear by it.

Thought when they came over
to give you some lessons,

the three of you were getting on
quite well together.

We looked like Wilson, Keppel and Betty.

I got up at 6:00 this morning to go and do it
in the park where no one could see me

and what happened?

I did that thing
where you have to squat right down

and I couldn't get back up again.

Had to walk all the way home like a chimpanzee.

I won't be trying that again.

They say that hot air rises, don't they?

Wonder if it's any cooler down here.


Good book?


And I've just got to the interesting bit.
So, if you don't mind...


Got the dinner party from hell tomorrow night.

Great Aunt Joyce and Uncle Dick.

I wonder if it'll be any grimmer than the last one.

I expect so, yes.

I knew we were in for a pleasant evening
when he came in and said,

"Where shall I put the spittoon?"

Told him to make himself feel at home,
so he took his false arm off.

And said, "Ah, that's better."

Didn't know where to look.

He was using it as a back scratcher at one point.

-Oh, do you remember?

I mean, that's all you want to hear
half way through a meal, isn't it?

"Don't make her laugh too much.
Her glass eye is a bit loose."

Right in a plate of salad.

And the eyesight's not that good in the other one.

Shouting, "It's all right. I've got it."

Thought we'd never prise that cherry tomato
out of the socket.

It's bad enough with the lawn mower

without having to put
the dinner guests back together.


If it's no better than this tomorrow,

I may have to emigrate.

Oh, what did the forecast say?
Perhaps it'll be a bit cooler.

Yes, and perhaps it'll be hotter still.

You know I never watch the weather forecasts.

If it's a nice morning and they say
it's going to be worse in the afternoon,

how can you enjoy the morning?

Best not to know about it.

It's the same with life in general.

There are certain things
you don't ever want to think about.

What sort of things?

Well, I don't want to think about them, do I?

And it's the only way you can go on, isn't it?

From one moment to the next.

I mean, if you knew now,

all the horrible things that were going to happen...

For the love of buggery.

What did I say to you about making sure
you put those screws in properly?

—You know what a hell of a weight this thing is.


Is it still in one piece?

I daren't look.

I suppose we should be glad
it fell on something soft.

Yes, it's lucky I hadn't had a sachet of Viagra.

It could have been smashed to smithereens.

Don't be coarse.

I mean, three and a half days it had to do that.

But no. It had to come down just at that moment.


And my chest's all horrible and sticky.

Seems as if it's gone all crisp everywhere now.

I'm not surprised with all that hair lacquer
you've been squirting on.

Enough to glue up a yak.

Hair lacquer?
Thanks very much for pointing that out to me.

You should look at things more carefully
in the first place.

You are hot. I'm hot.

There's nothing we can do about it
until the power comes back on.

And when will that be?

I expect it'll come back on any minute.

Now, do you mind?



Is that the one where the murderer fires
a crossbow through the keyhole?

It's a very good one, if I remember rightly.


Why do I bother?

I have no idea sometimes.

But all that happens at the beginning, surely?

Or do you only find out about it at the end?

Ah, yes.

Sorry about that.

Do you mind if I borrow the torch now?

If you've finished with it.


Oh, there's a man here
who never throws his urine away.

Belongs to a religious sect

that regard it as a sacred bodily fluid

containing part of the human soul.

Kept everything he's ever passed
since October 1973.

All bottled up in a huge wine cellar.

And now, apparently, Leicestershire County Council
are getting a court order to have it removed.

"Said Mr Hibbert, 48,

"'It's not the first time
people have tried to take the piss.

Oh, you just love finding things like that
in the paper, don't you?

I'm only reading what it says.

Right up your street, that sort of thing.
Just tickles you to death.

Read in here the other day, we'll soon be able
to go to the toilet over the internet.

I mean, how the hell is that supposed to work?

I don't know why
I buy the bloody thing sometimes.


Oh, God, what did I tell you?

Now, where's the insect repellent?

I think I left it in the car.

Don't... You're not opening that front door.

Well, what's the difference?
They're in here now, anyway.

VICTOR: And what the hell
do you think you're playing at?

That's my bloody... Up, move it!

This hasn't been parked here for your recreation,
for God's sakes.

Stop doing that while I'm talking to you.


Get out of there! down here.

I've never seen this sort of carry on in my life!
Go on!

You! Get your toes out of my headrest!

...will know about it, I can tell you.


Well, if that doesn't take the biscuit,
I don't know what does!

Did you see that?

Young bloke from down the road
with his girlfriend

only having sex in the back seat of our car.

Well, I had forgotten to close the sun roof.

Bold as brass, just merrily getting on with it
without a thought for my suspension.

They didn't even stop when I opened the door.

Stark naked, the pair of them.

And he had the cheek to tell me
to go and put some clothes on.

Said I was lowering the whole tone of the area.

It's that poor butcher's son, Kevin.

You see, they don't care any more,
youngsters like that.

Butcher his pork next time I see him.

Clothes all over the front seat.

And I daren't tell you
what I found on the gear stick.


Completely wore myself out now, with all that.

Oh, I'm sorry, Margaret.

I've had it with the human race.

I'm going to become a registered hermit.

Who was it said,

"Hell is other people"?

Mrs Smedley at number 14.

—Was it?
—Just after she got back from Benidorm.

And she's got enough on her plate
with that mother and father of his living there.

I don't know how she copes.

Don't know when I last saw him.

Didn't someone say he's actually so fat
he can't get out the front door now?

How ever much must he weigh?

Don't know.

I think it's got something to do with
all the tablets he has to take. Poor old soul.

I know the neighbours have been complaining.

When she hangs his underpants out to dry,
they lose an hour's daylight.

I'll be reporting that little incident
to the parents concerned. Don't you worry.

Bloody yobbery. Morning, noon and night.


—At last!
—The relief!

I do not believe it!

False alarm.

I might have known. Just as that was
coming up on the box. Did you see that?

—See what?
—On the screen just there.

A man pointing at a photograph of my feet!

Oh, for goodness sake.

On the Southeast News, as large as life.

I just caught it before it went off again.

That was a detail from the Crucifixion.

I think I know my own feet when I see them.

It's a programme about Renaissance art.

I recognise the mole above my big toe.

That was a nail.

—Well, I know what I saw.
-Oh, will you stop fretting about them?

There's absolutely nothing the matter with them.


So we still can't watch any television.

What's on anyway?

Dinosaur Hospital. Pick of the day.

"This week, through the magic
of state of the art technology,

"the team help a pterodactyl
with a cleft palate resume a normal life."

I presume the presenters are computer—generated
as well, are they?

I mean, Rolf Harris has been dead
for 15 years to my certain knowledge.

It's more than flesh and blood can stand.

Oh, I expect it'll come back on in a minute.

Well, there's nothing else for it

but to listen to Dale Winton reciting Kubla Khan.

Do we have to?

I need something to bring a smile to my face.

DALE WINTON ON TAPE“. In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree

Where Alph, the sacred river, ran

Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea

(VOICE DISTORTING) 50 [wire five miles
of fertile ground...

Oh, turn it off.

Well, there must be some more batteries
in this drawer somewhere.

There aren't. I've already checked.

Well, we can't have run out of...

Ah, now then.

Oh, how did we forget about this?

The scented candle that Ronnie and Mildred
brought back from Marrakesh.

Are we really that desperate?

I'm afraid we are.

"An enchanting blend
of camphor, vanilla and peach."

Well, it can't be that bad.

Talk about the devils. Don't bring it over here.


"Important. This is not a circular."

—\/\/hat is it?
—A circular.

"Apply now for your special discount loyalty card
to Cottleswood Crematorium.

"Collect 3,000 points or more for a cash bonus,

"plus a free clock radio if you nominate a friend
to be cremated before August 31 st."

If I nominate anything, it'll be all this bloody junk.

I meant to get some batteries
when I was out this morning,

but with all that kerfuffle on the way home,
it just went right out of my mind.

What kerfuffle's that?

Oh, yes. I didn't tell you, did I?

There was a big siege going on
in one of those houses by the putting green.

Some maniac, apparently,
holding a family of five hostage at gunpoint.

The police had got the whole area sealed off.

Traffic was being diverted.
It was just like something out of a film.

Apparently, they weren't allowing anyone
near the park.

They'd got concealed marksmen in the bushes.
God knows what else.

What time was this?

Well, it's been going on
since yesterday lunchtime, I think they said.

But I was up the park first thing this morning.

Took that shortcut by the wire netting
right next to the putting green.

I didn't see any concealed marksmen.

Well, you wouldn't, would you?
They were concealed.

I mean, obviously they were taking no chances.

Reckoned this man was a complete nutcase.

Said if he saw anyone doing anything
remotely suspicious,

he was just going to open fire on them
and ask questions later.

Remotely suspicious?

You mean I was fart arsing about up there
in the middle of the grass

in full view of an armed psychopath
doing bloody Tai Chi exercises?

Jabbing my hands in the air like a simpleton.

I could have ended up with a bullet through my...

No. No, it'll be what you said.

Someone with a cigarette in a pub.

I mean, this is... This is probably
a completely different part of the park

or something.

I've come over all faint now.

I got a sort of quivery feeling in my left ear
like a whining sound.


Bloody thing! I thought I killed it!

Where's the spray?

Probably get dengue fever of the inner ear now.


Who the hell is that at this time of night?


MARGARET: Well, of course we wouldn't mind.

Well, we'll be only too pleased to.

So if you want to bring him over, that'll be fine.

What wouldn't we mind?
What are we only too pleased to do now?

Mrs Smedley. She's got to take her mother—in—law
up the hospital.

They think she's had a stroke.

And, of course, they can't leave the old man
on his own over there in the dark and everything.

So she said, would we mind keeping
an eye on him in here

just to make sure that he's all right, you know,
till they come back.

Oh, you're joking.

Old Mr Smedley, the Hindenburg disaster on legs?

I mean, how have we got room for him in here?

He'll cause a lunar eclipse
just passing the window.


Victor, what else was I supposed to say? Coming.

Hello, Mr Sme... Oh.

My goodness. That's a handy gadget to have
in a power cut, is it?

Yes, it used to belong to my brother.

Worked in the Kent mine fields for 25 years.

—Mmm, prior to his untimely death

—from respiratory failure.
-Oh, dear.

Well, can we... Swing over here.

Is that... Can you manage that?

Oh, I think we're in business.

—You... You remember Victor?

Yes, sorry to hear about your wife, Mr Smedley.

Why don't you come and sit yourself down?

Yes, I... I will if you...

If you don't mind.

Thank you.

I'm very sorry about all this.

—I'm sorry to be such a nuisance.
-Oh, don't be silly.

Er, would you like a brandy or anything
to steady your nerves?

Oh, no, it's all right.
I've, er, I've got my hot water bottle.

It's always a great comfort, I find.

Hot water.

Sorry to be such a nuisance.

They think my wife's had a stroke.

Yes, we, erm...

Hope she'll be all right up there.
They're terribly overstretched.

Lady next door had to wait
two hours the other week

just to get to the operating theatre.

They said they were very short of trolleys
and did she mind sharing with a corpse?

It is a nightmare these days.

I hope she'll be all right up there.

They said she'd probably be out in a few days.

I expect she will.


perhaps I'll just sit here and read my book.

—Would you mind?
—No, of course not. You go ahead.

Thank you.

"Chapter eight.

"Late that evening, I was surprised at my lodgings

"by a visit from Mr Bruff.

"There was a noticeable change
in the lawyer's manner.

"It had lost its usual confidence and spirit.

"He shook hands with me,
for the first time in his life,

"in silence.

—"'Are you going back to Hampstead?' I asked...
—Er, sorry, excuse me.

" way of saying..." Pardon?

Sorry. You actually have to read it out aloud or...

It's the only way
I can get it to go in, unfortunately.

And stay there.

You'll find that when you get old.

Yes, you see, I knew I was going to be a nuisance.

No, no, no, Mr Smedley.
If it helps to take your mind off things...

Anyway, I'm going to the toilet now, I'm afraid.

Oh, fine.
Well, you know where it is and everything.

No. I mean I'm going to the toilet now.

As I speak.

The control goes, you know, after a while.

Aggravated by too much stress and excitement.

Well, arm, you know...
Well, let's get you sorted out.


Upsy-daisy, Mr Smedley. That's the ticket.

Oh, God.

—Well, here you are.

Oh, I don't think there's any damage done,

so, er, you better go first, I think.

Yeah. You see, I said I was being a nuisance

—and I have been.
—No, no.

She'll be all right, though, won't she, up there?

I mean, they...
They said she'd only be in for a few days.


MR SMEDLEY: I'll go in here.
MARGARET: Yes, all right.


My God, I suppose we're going to be
up with him all night.

Potty training Mr Creosote.

That's all we need ed.

No, no. It looked as if
he's going to nod off in there, actually.

I think we might just let him sleep.


I just feel a bit sick.

What? How sick?

And breathlessness. What else have you got?
Chest pains?

Radiating outwards towards the shoulders?

No, no, I'll be okay in a minute.

Well, I expect
it's that bloody candle turning my stomach over.

Poor old codger.

—I suppose...

Well, it just...

You know, what he said about his wife.

Do you remember
when my dad went into hospital?

They said that would just be for a few days.

And after a few days,
they said it would be just a few more.

And that's how it went on.

And we always knew it would be all right.

Couple more days
and he'd be back home with us all again.

I don't think there's any other way
we'd have got through those last six months.

It's like you said.

If it's sunny in the morning you don't want
to know it's going to rain in the afternoon.


Three hours it's been off for now.
This is ridiculous!

Yes, well,

I expect it'll come on again any minute.

I expect.

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth?

# I've started to deteriorate

# And now I've passed my own sell-by date

# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true

# I have to pop my teeth in to chew

# And my old knees have started to knock

# I've just got too many miles on the clock

# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

# It's true that my body has seen better days

# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave #