One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 4, Episode 2 - Descent Into the Maelstrom - full transcript
Margaret is diagnosed with nervous exhaustion - first brought on over thirty years earlier and needs bed rest so Victor does the chores. He burns a hole in the ironing,gives a homeless person the video,mistaking him for the repair man and looks on as Nick's attempts to mend the waste disposal unit come to grief. Fortunately for Margaret a visit from her old friend Andrea cheers her though there are even complications here when a pair of ear-rings goes missing.
# That I am just too long in the tooth
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
# Fading away but I've not yet expired
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
# One foot in the grave #
Will you just leave that for tonight?
Here we go, look
Three, two, one
Look at that Look at that!
All the models on the market,
we have to end up with a waste disposal unit
that can't keep its food down
Would you mind changing the subject please?
Yes, well, I told you we shouldn't have gone for
that Indian tonight, didn't I? Didn't I say?
It wasn't the Indian
Are you coming up now or what?
This is enough to turn anyone's stomach
Do you know, I think
It was bad enough the last time we went there
when that key broke inside the lock to the gents'
Spent the entire night sat in the toilet
while they passed poppadums under the door
But tonight is a real corker,
I have to give them that
Watching a naked woman
dangling her breasts in the basmati rice
I mean, that's one of their best
I think that's a slight exaggeration, don't you?
All you need, isn't it?
A strip-o-gram singing Happy Birthday
to a group of lager louts at the next table
What did she look like
with that stupid blonde wig on?
I think she was meant to be Marilyn Monroe
Oh, is that what it was?
I wondered why Harpo Marx was wearing a bra
Look, why don't you lie down
and I'll give you another massage
She had a stomach on her like Fred Emney
You notice they never
say anything in that place, either
Just let the customers get away with murder
I don't feel very good at all, Victor
Too scared to say anything, that's the trouble
Like when that yobbo with the earring
stuck my cap in his mouth
shouting, ''Here, Dave, this chapatti's a bit tough''
Teeth-marks in the lining now for evermore
If you're not feeling any better by Saturday,
perhaps you'd better give Roger's party a miss
Margaret, are you
Not a lot better yet, I'm afraid, Roger
Oh, I know, and she was really
looking forward to coming as well
Doctor says it's nervous exhaustion mainly
It's been building up over the last 35 years
I don't know what he meant by that
Yeah, of course,
and the death of her mother and everything
No, we didn't keep very much in the end
Just her answering machine and some jewellery
Oh, and her video
Yeah, so we don't have to
keep hiring this other thing anymore
Man was supposed to come and collect it at 9:00,
he still hasn't arrived
Yes, I will, Roger, and happy birthday
Yup I'll see you about 8:00 Bye
Bloody video man still hasn't arrived
Just spoke to Roger Apparently it's going to be
rather a swish do over there tonight
Just as well I got that suit cleaned
Now, what else?
Oh, yes, I'm just going to unplug the phone
so you're not interrupted
That's the most important thing,
that you get plenty of peace and quiet
with no unwanted interruptions
Nothing that's going to
get you worked up or agitated again
You're sure there's not too much noise
coming through this window for you?
No, no, no, it's fine
Because there's nothing worse than that
Trying to get off to sleep
with some mindless racket going on outside
People jabbering away and God knows what
That could drive you absolutely potty
-I know for myself
-Will you shut the f
front door quietly when you go out, please?
Yes, of course
Oh, that'll be Mrs Warboys with the dry-cleaning
How did it go? Did you manage to get them both?
MRS WARBOYS: Fine thanks, yes
Took a bit of a while to find Margaret's
Shame she won't be needing it now
I don't think they're all that well-organised
in that place, if you ask me
I've known one or two people say over the years
Oh, yes, she said they got almost
all the beetroot out if you didn't look too closely
Myself, I can hardly see a thing
This isn't my suit
Of course it
Where in the name of sanity did it come from?
Oh, don't tell me they mixed up the tickets again
Mixed up the You must have seen
it was a mistake when you got it out
Well, I don't know what your suit looks like, do I?
Well, it doesn't bloody well look like this!
I mean, where do you think I shop?
King Kong at C&A's?
MRS WARBOYS: Actually, I thought it was
for a fancy dress or something
Fancy dress? I mean, it's not even my size!
And there's no permanent crease
in the trousers, look at that
Something else I've got to do now,
is take that back As if I didn't have enough to
Morning, Mr Meldrew Are you well?
Oh! I expect you think
I've gone completely off my head
No, only, it's the third round
of the Jeyes Fluid Cup on Friday
and we've drawn
the Gribley Street Exhaust Centre
So they'll be pretty stiff opposition, I expect
I've got to keep my hand in or my arm gets rusty
Does it? Yes
Well, I can't stop I've got to take
a gorilla costume back to the cleaners
A gorilla costume? My goodness
Yes, can you believe it? I put my best suit in
ready for a party tonight and I get that
And they call themselves
a bloody dry-cleaning service
They close early on a Saturday, too
I'll probably end up without a suit to wear at all
Oh, well, if you get stuck, Mr Meldrew,
I've always got one you can borrow
-Be just about your size, too
-Really? Well, no, I don't think that'll be
I'll pop it round later
You can always see what you think
Oh, right then, just as a backup
Thanks very much
You're very welcome
Mother, will you please sit back in that chair
or I'll have your hairnet off again
and just as I was deciding
which colour would go best with his artificial eye,
you know, I thought,
''That girl there looks familiar''
And guess who it was
Little Andrea Temple who used to live
at the back of you in Wingate Crescent
-Quite grown up now,
and got the loveliest little baby boy
Said, if she could, she'd bring him round
tomorrow afternoon to show you
Well, I mean, you were like a second mother
to her in those days, weren't you?
The way her parents always left her
to fend for herself, poor little mite
God, that monster of a father
-Do you remember?
-Well, he was never off the turps
And she was sleeping with a mortuary attendant
They got through a dozen coffins in one week
by all accounts
-No wonder she was round-shouldered
(TRUCK ENGINE RUMBLING)
At bloody last
About time, too, after five hours of waiting
-That the man come to take your video back?
-I'm off into town now I'll see you later Bye
So how is she?
Does she still have
those lovely little dimples in her cheeks?
Begging your pardon, sir
You wouldn't have 50p to spare for
a cup of tea at all?
Here And next time
you can try turning up a bit earlier
Oh, I will, sir
You're a credit to society What can I say?
Many thanks indeed to you, sir
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
VICTOR: One minute One bloody minute!
The whole lot of them should be shot at birth!
So I'd gathered
I just missed the dry-cleaners by one minute
Bloody girl just stood behind
the closed sign pointing at me and laughing
Bang goes my outfit for tonight now
Mr Swainey called round while you were out
Did he mention anything
about that suit he was talking about?
He said he's left it on the settee for you
in the front room
I don't believe it
I do not believe it
How in the name of
He said it's quite new He's hardly ever worn it
Oh, and he said you ought to ask
that shop for a refund
for not cleaning the other one properly
Not cleaning it
Why don't people ever listen?
Are you nearly ready down there?
It's 7:1 5
They'll just have to do as they are
Right, I think that's everything
-Right, I'm off now Bye
Have a good time
Oh, you still awake?
Sorry I'm a bit later than I said
Very strange smell downstairs when I came in
Wonder what that could be
How did that get
Well, let's see
I could always get a job as a strip-o-gram
Put that on,
I wouldn't have to take anything off, would I?
Looks like the shape of an iron
''Why don't you take it easy for a couple of weeks?
Let me look after you for a change''
Take it easy!
I'd get more peace of mind
being nursed by the evil dead!
How's it looking?
Have it sorted for you in a few ticks, Mr Meldrew
I think I've located the problem now
Yes, well mind your nose in that shredder
or I'll be up all night scraping it off the ceiling
He's a sweet little thing, aren't you?
A sweet little thing
He's definitely got your eyes, Andrea
Has he? No, we're all right
It's just a pair of pearl earrings
Come on, Donovan,
give those back to Auntie Margaret
They were my mother's
I was just having a sort through
About the only thing of any value she left,
and I don't suppose I'll ever wear them
I think it's about time you were going back
into your box, too, isn't it,
before that nasty old bogeyman comes
and finds you rolling about on his bed
MARGARET: And he's just like you,
bald and grizzles a lot
You say that your parents
are separated now, then, Andrea?
-Are they quite close still or
Holloway and Pentonville
I don't get to see them,
not with this one to worry about
and the bookshop to run
You bought me my first book, Margaret
Monica Dickens I've never forgotten that
Taught me the alphabet, as well You remember?
Long before I started school
Sometimes I wonder where I'd be today
if it wasn't
Oh, come on
We don't want
you wetting the bed at the wrong end
Some of us aren't very well in this room
I'll just pop you downstairs for a sec
-Then I'll be off
Here we are, look
We're going to leave you with Uncle Victor now
So that'll be nice, won't it?
Back in a sec, just going to say goodbye
God save us
I think we might be in business now, Mr Meldrew
You got anything we can try down it?
-MRS WARBOYS: Bye, Margaret
See you tomorrow
-Oh, well done
Seems to have made a difference, doesn't it?
It was just a matter of
Oh, God, no!
What's the matter now, then?
I think my back's gone
I'm afraid it does this from time to time
Ten to one it's that archery practice set it off
-I don't think I can't get up off the floor
Can't get off the floor?
Well, let me give you a hand
No, no, no, please, please It's no use
Oh, my God, what's happened? Is he dead?
Unfortunately not If he was, we could move him
His back's gone
I'llI'll call an ambulance
Oh, that'll be no use
They can't do a thing for backs, hospitals
I'll ring for an osteopath
There's one my brother uses
It's going to be all right
A couple of sharp snaps
and she'll soon have you walking again
Only don't try and move anything
You haven't seen those earrings about, have you?
You feeling a bit better now, are you, evidently?
Seem to be
Funny, really It's since Andrea came
Oh, it's such a tonic,
seeing how she's grown up
and matured and everything,
from what she was in those days
to what she is now
It so easily could have gone the other way
Oh, and that little kiddie of hers
Couldn't you just eat him?
Not on top of the kippers, no
He was very taken
with that garden gnome of ours
It's the only thing I could use
to get him to stop crying
I put them on the tray inside some cotton wool
You brought the thing down
What did you do with them?
They're not in the pedal-bin
I mean, what did you do with all the leftovers
that were lying about on the
Oh, God, no, Victor
Not the waste-disposal
Not my mother's pearl earrings
Um, I don't remember
Tomorrow morning, I'm going back to work
I'm going back to work for a bloody rest!
Well, we all make mistakes from time to time
I certainly made one
35 years ago
Sorry, did I wake you?
It's all right, Mr Meldrew
I'm afraid I'm a bit of a light sleeper
I'm sorry the osteopath
couldn't get here till the morning,
but she did say she'd try and get round first thing
I hope so, Mr Meldrew
I hope so, too
Oh, thank God
WOMAN: Good morning I'm sorry to disturb you
so early, but I understand you've
VICTOR: Yes, that's fine Come on in
Just through there It's all yours
I'll leave you to it if you don't mind
WOMAN: Are you sure?
Thanks ever so much
Umis it this one on the floor?
Is it the one on the floor?
Of course the one on the floor!
Who else is bloody well down there?
Right, I'm off to the cleaner's now
I'll just get the bus
because it stops right outside the door
You were right
He's giving them away to anyone who asks
He just pointed me towards it
and he goes, ''It's all yours''
What did I tell you?
He's barmy as the Pope's Catholic
Come on, quick, before he changes his mind
The car keys are just in the hall here
if you want to take it
VICTOR: God Almighty
Now, before you say anything, don't say anything
I managed to get them both back eventually
after a very long and unpleasant argument
down at The Rat-Catcher's Rest
Six bloody pints of Guinness apiece it cost me
before they eventually saw reason
So don't start up, all right,
because I am not in the mood
What was that for?
I've just read it in the paper
Read what in the
Oh, I forgot that came today
I thought perhaps
you might never find out about it
What does that say in there, then?
Says, ''The police are still looking
for the emotionally disturbed girl
''who escaped from
a remand home last Wednesday''
That they think she's probably the same one
who abducted a little baby boy
from his parents' garden two days ago
I rang that incident room number up
told them she'd been here
I know how much she meant to you
It's not really her fault
That's what happens
when you don't get a decent start in life
She took the pearl earrings as well,
And you would never have said a thing
Well, I've taken the blame
for every other disaster this week
I didn't think one more
would make any difference
It's Mr Meldrew, is it?
Look, if someone's told you I'm giving away
free video recorders, you're wasting your time
Sorry, I'm Mrs Ashcroft
It was our baby that was stolen the other day,
and I gather it's thanks to your information
the police managed to pick up that girl,
just round the corner from here
And we just wanted to pop by and say
Well, words can't express it, can they?
Now that we've got him back, it's just
Thank you very, very much
from me and my husband
# They say I might as well face the truth
# That I am just too long in the tooth
# I've started to deteriorate
#And now I've passed my own sell-by date
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
#And my old knees have started to knock
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
# It's true that my body has seen better days
# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave
# One foot in the grave
# One foot in the grave
# One foot in the grave #