One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 4, Episode 2 - Descent Into the Maelstrom - full transcript

Margaret is diagnosed with nervous exhaustion - first brought on over thirty years earlier and needs bed rest so Victor does the chores. He burns a hole in the ironing,gives a homeless person the video,mistaking him for the repair man and looks on as Nick's attempts to mend the waste disposal unit come to grief. Fortunately for Margaret a visit from her old friend Andrea cheers her though there are even complications here when a pair of ear-rings goes missing.

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed

# But I have not yet quite gone to seed

# I may be over the hill now that I have retired

# Fading away but I've not yet expired

# Clapped out, run down, too old to save

# One foot in the grave #

Will you just leave that for tonight?

Here we go, look

Three, two, one


Look at that Look at that!

All the models on the market,
we have to end up with a waste disposal unit

that can't keep its food down

Would you mind changing the subject please?

Yes, well, I told you we shouldn't have gone for
that Indian tonight, didn't I? Didn't I say?

It wasn't the Indian

Are you coming up now or what?

This is enough to turn anyone's stomach

Do you know, I think

Bloody restaurant

It was bad enough the last time we went there

when that key broke inside the lock to the gents'

Spent the entire night sat in the toilet
while they passed poppadums under the door

But tonight is a real corker,
I have to give them that

Watching a naked woman
dangling her breasts in the basmati rice

I mean, that's one of their best

I think that's a slight exaggeration, don't you?

All you need, isn't it?

A strip-o-gram singing Happy Birthday
to a group of lager louts at the next table

What did she look like
with that stupid blonde wig on?

I think she was meant to be Marilyn Monroe

Oh, is that what it was?
I wondered why Harpo Marx was wearing a bra

Look, why don't you lie down
and I'll give you another massage

She had a stomach on her like Fred Emney

You notice they never
say anything in that place, either

Just let the customers get away with murder



I don't feel very good at all, Victor



Too scared to say anything, that's the trouble

Like when that yobbo with the earring
stuck my cap in his mouth

shouting, ''Here, Dave, this chapatti's a bit tough''

Teeth-marks in the lining now for evermore

If you're not feeling any better by Saturday,
perhaps you'd better give Roger's party a miss


Margaret, are you


Not a lot better yet, I'm afraid, Roger

Oh, I know, and she was really
looking forward to coming as well

Doctor says it's nervous exhaustion mainly

It's been building up over the last 35 years

I don't know what he meant by that

Yeah, of course,
and the death of her mother and everything


No, we didn't keep very much in the end
Just her answering machine and some jewellery

Oh, and her video

Yeah, so we don't have to
keep hiring this other thing anymore

Man was supposed to come and collect it at 9:00,
he still hasn't arrived

Yes, I will, Roger, and happy birthday

Yup I'll see you about 8:00 Bye

Bloody video man still hasn't arrived

Just spoke to Roger Apparently it's going to be
rather a swish do over there tonight

Just as well I got that suit cleaned
Now, what else?

Oh, yes, I'm just going to unplug the phone
so you're not interrupted

Thank you

That's the most important thing,

that you get plenty of peace and quiet

with no unwanted interruptions

Nothing that's going to
get you worked up or agitated again

You're sure there's not too much noise
coming through this window for you?

No, no, no, it's fine

Because there's nothing worse than that

Trying to get off to sleep
with some mindless racket going on outside

People jabbering away and God knows what
That could drive you absolutely potty

-I know for myself
-Will you shut the f

front door quietly when you go out, please?
Thank you

Yes, of course


Oh, that'll be Mrs Warboys with the dry-cleaning

How did it go? Did you manage to get them both?

MRS WARBOYS: Fine thanks, yes

Took a bit of a while to find Margaret's

Shame she won't be needing it now

I don't think they're all that well-organised
in that place, if you ask me

I've known one or two people say over the years

What's this?

Oh, yes, she said they got almost
all the beetroot out if you didn't look too closely

Myself, I can hardly see a thing



This isn't my suit

Isn't it?

Of course it

Where in the name of sanity did it come from?

Oh, don't tell me they mixed up the tickets again

Mixed up the You must have seen
it was a mistake when you got it out

Well, I don't know what your suit looks like, do I?

Well, it doesn't bloody well look like this!

I mean, where do you think I shop?
King Kong at C&A's?

MRS WARBOYS: Actually, I thought it was
for a fancy dress or something

Fancy dress? I mean, it's not even my size!

And there's no permanent crease
in the trousers, look at that

Something else I've got to do now,
is take that back As if I didn't have enough to


Morning, Mr Meldrew Are you well?

Oh! I expect you think
I've gone completely off my head

No, only, it's the third round
of the Jeyes Fluid Cup on Friday

and we've drawn
the Gribley Street Exhaust Centre

So they'll be pretty stiff opposition, I expect

I've got to keep my hand in or my arm gets rusty

Does it? Yes

Well, I can't stop I've got to take
a gorilla costume back to the cleaners

A gorilla costume? My goodness

Yes, can you believe it? I put my best suit in
ready for a party tonight and I get that

And they call themselves
a bloody dry-cleaning service

They close early on a Saturday, too

I'll probably end up without a suit to wear at all

Oh, well, if you get stuck, Mr Meldrew,
I've always got one you can borrow

-Be just about your size, too
-Really? Well, no, I don't think that'll be

I'll pop it round later
You can always see what you think

Oh, right then, just as a backup
Thanks very much

You're very welcome

Mother, will you please sit back in that chair
or I'll have your hairnet off again

Thank you

and just as I was deciding
which colour would go best with his artificial eye,

you know, I thought,

''That girl there looks familiar''

And guess who it was

Little Andrea Temple who used to live
at the back of you in Wingate Crescent

-Quite grown up now,

and got the loveliest little baby boy

Said, if she could, she'd bring him round
tomorrow afternoon to show you


Well, I mean, you were like a second mother
to her in those days, weren't you?

The way her parents always left her
to fend for herself, poor little mite

God, that monster of a father

-Do you remember?
-Well, he was never off the turps

I know
And she was sleeping with a mortuary attendant

They got through a dozen coffins in one week
by all accounts

-No wonder she was round-shouldered


At bloody last

About time, too, after five hours of waiting

-That the man come to take your video back?

-I'm off into town now I'll see you later Bye
-Right Bye

So how is she?

Does she still have
those lovely little dimples in her cheeks?

Begging your pardon, sir

You wouldn't have 50p to spare for
a cup of tea at all?

Here And next time
you can try turning up a bit earlier

Oh, I will, sir

You're a credit to society What can I say?

Many thanks indeed to you, sir

Thank you



VICTOR: One minute One bloody minute!

The whole lot of them should be shot at birth!

I'm back!

So I'd gathered

I just missed the dry-cleaners by one minute

Bloody girl just stood behind
the closed sign pointing at me and laughing

Bloody thing!

Bang goes my outfit for tonight now

Mr Swainey called round while you were out

Did he mention anything
about that suit he was talking about?

He said he's left it on the settee for you
in the front room

Oh, right

I don't believe it

I do not believe it

How in the name of

He said it's quite new He's hardly ever worn it

Oh, and he said you ought to ask
that shop for a refund

for not cleaning the other one properly

Not cleaning it


Why don't people ever listen?

Are you nearly ready down there?

It's 7:1 5

They'll just have to do as they are

Right, I think that's everything

-Right, I'm off now Bye

Have a good time


Oh, you still awake?

Sorry I'm a bit later than I said

Very strange smell downstairs when I came in

Wonder what that could be

I wonder

How did that get

Well, let's see

I could always get a job as a strip-o-gram

Put that on,
I wouldn't have to take anything off, would I?

Looks like the shape of an iron

''Why don't you take it easy for a couple of weeks?
Let me look after you for a change''

Take it easy!

I'd get more peace of mind
being nursed by the evil dead!

How's it looking?

Have it sorted for you in a few ticks, Mr Meldrew
I think I've located the problem now

Yes, well mind your nose in that shredder

or I'll be up all night scraping it off the ceiling

He's a sweet little thing, aren't you?
A sweet little thing

He's definitely got your eyes, Andrea

Has he? No, we're all right
It's just a pair of pearl earrings

Come on, Donovan,
give those back to Auntie Margaret

They were my mother's
I was just having a sort through

About the only thing of any value she left,
and I don't suppose I'll ever wear them

I think it's about time you were going back
into your box, too, isn't it,

before that nasty old bogeyman comes
and finds you rolling about on his bed

MARGARET: And he's just like you,
bald and grizzles a lot

You say that your parents
are separated now, then, Andrea?

-Are they quite close still or
-Fairly close

Holloway and Pentonville

I don't get to see them,
not with this one to worry about

and the bookshop to run

You bought me my first book, Margaret

Monica Dickens I've never forgotten that

Taught me the alphabet, as well You remember?
Long before I started school

Sometimes I wonder where I'd be today
if it wasn't


Oh, come on

We don't want
you wetting the bed at the wrong end

Some of us aren't very well in this room

I'll just pop you downstairs for a sec

Right, there

-Then I'll be off

Here we are, look
We're going to leave you with Uncle Victor now

So that'll be nice, won't it?


Back in a sec, just going to say goodbye






God save us




I think we might be in business now, Mr Meldrew
You got anything we can try down it?

Hang on

-MRS WARBOYS: Bye, Margaret

See you tomorrow

-Say when

-Oh, well done

Seems to have made a difference, doesn't it?
It was just a matter of

Oh, God, no!

What's the matter now, then?

I think my back's gone

I'm afraid it does this from time to time
Damn thing

Ten to one it's that archery practice set it off

Oh, God!

-I don't think I can't get up off the floor

Can't get off the floor?
Well, let me give you a hand

No, no, no, please, please It's no use

I can't

Oh, my God, what's happened? Is he dead?

Unfortunately not If he was, we could move him

His back's gone

I'llI'll call an ambulance

Oh, that'll be no use

They can't do a thing for backs, hospitals

I'll ring for an osteopath

There's one my brother uses

It's going to be all right

A couple of sharp snaps
and she'll soon have you walking again

Only don't try and move anything

You haven't seen those earrings about, have you?

What earrings?

You feeling a bit better now, are you, evidently?


Seem to be

Funny, really It's since Andrea came

Oh, it's such a tonic,

seeing how she's grown up
and matured and everything,

from what she was in those days
to what she is now

It so easily could have gone the other way

Oh, and that little kiddie of hers
Couldn't you just eat him?

Not on top of the kippers, no

He was very taken
with that garden gnome of ours

It's the only thing I could use
to get him to stop crying


I put them on the tray inside some cotton wool

You brought the thing down
What did you do with them?


They're not in the pedal-bin

I mean, what did you do with all the leftovers
that were lying about on the

Oh, God, no, Victor


Not the waste-disposal


You didn't

Not my mother's pearl earrings

Um, I don't remember


That's it

Tomorrow morning, I'm going back to work

I'm going back to work for a bloody rest!


Well, we all make mistakes from time to time

Oh, yes!

I certainly made one

35 years ago


Sorry, did I wake you?

It's all right, Mr Meldrew
I'm afraid I'm a bit of a light sleeper

I'm sorry the osteopath
couldn't get here till the morning,

but she did say she'd try and get round first thing

I hope so, Mr Meldrew


I hope so, too



Oh, thank God

WOMAN: Good morning I'm sorry to disturb you
so early, but I understand you've

VICTOR: Yes, that's fine Come on in

Just through there It's all yours
I'll leave you to it if you don't mind

WOMAN: Are you sure?

Thanks ever so much


Umis it this one on the floor?

VICTOR: Sorry?

Is it the one on the floor?

Of course the one on the floor!

Who else is bloody well down there?

Right, I'm off to the cleaner's now

I'll just get the bus
because it stops right outside the door

You were right
He's giving them away to anyone who asks

He just pointed me towards it
and he goes, ''It's all yours''

What did I tell you?
He's barmy as the Pope's Catholic

Come on, quick, before he changes his mind

The car keys are just in the hall here
if you want to take it




VICTOR: God Almighty

Now, before you say anything, don't say anything

I managed to get them both back eventually
after a very long and unpleasant argument

down at The Rat-Catcher's Rest

Six bloody pints of Guinness apiece it cost me

before they eventually saw reason

So don't start up, all right,
because I am not in the mood

Thank you

What was that for?

I've just read it in the paper

Read what in the

Oh, I forgot that came today


I thought perhaps
you might never find out about it

What does that say in there, then?

Says, ''The police are still looking
for the emotionally disturbed girl

''who escaped from
a remand home last Wednesday''

That they think she's probably the same one

who abducted a little baby boy
from his parents' garden two days ago

I rang that incident room number up
yesterday afternoon,

told them she'd been here

Sorry, Margaret,
I know how much she meant to you



It's not really her fault

That's what happens
when you don't get a decent start in life

She took the pearl earrings as well,

didn't she?

And you would never have said a thing

Well, I've taken the blame
for every other disaster this week

I didn't think one more
would make any difference



It's Mr Meldrew, is it?

Look, if someone's told you I'm giving away
free video recorders, you're wasting your time

Sorry, I'm Mrs Ashcroft

It was our baby that was stolen the other day,

and I gather it's thanks to your information
the police managed to pick up that girl,

just round the corner from here

And we just wanted to pop by and say

Well, words can't express it, can they?

Now that we've got him back, it's just

Thank you very, very much

from me and my husband

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# I've started to deteriorate

#And now I've passed my own sell-by date

# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true

# I have to pop my teeth in to chew

#And my old knees have started to knock

# I've just got too many miles on the clock

# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

# It's true that my body has seen better days

# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave #