One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 3, Episode 1 - Monday Morning Will Be Fine - full transcript

The Meldrews have been burgled and the television set stolen. Victor decides to go to the pub and meets a man he used to know,Billy,who mistakes him for somebody else and mocks 'that old misery Meldrew'. To keep up the pretence Victor lets Billy give him a lift to the house belonging to the man Billy thinks he is,skulks a bit and walks home in the rain. Having lost his voice he is mistaken for an obscene caller when he rings the phone company,as well as being mistaken for a prowler when he was hiding in the garden of the house Billy took him to.

♪ They say l might as well face the truth

♪ That l am just too long in the tooth

♪ So l'm an OAP and weak-kneed

♪ But l have not yet quite gone to seed

♪ l may be over the hill
now that l have retired

♪ Fading away but l'm not yet expired

♪ Clapped out, run down, too old to save

♪ One foot in the grave ♪

(Crowd cheers on TV)

Pass it up, for Christ's sake.

Look at him. He's taking it for a bloody
sightseeing tour of Milan. Get rid of it!

(Doorbell rings)

- Who's that, for goodness' sake?
- Oh, give me a break.

Why don't you just gift-wrap the bloody
ball and tie a ribbon on it for him?

No, no. Come in. Jack, it's Mr Meldrew
from over the road. They had a robbery.

lt's just there, love. Help yourself.
lsn't that terrible?

- Oh, dear. When was this, this morning?
- Just now.

We'd been shopping. We were only gone
an hour. We came back and the whole...

Hello. Could l have the police, please?

You see? l told you they were burglars.

That's 50p you owe me.

You've got to be joking. l don't know
why this ref isn't wearing an ltalian shirt.

- What do you mean?
- Sorry?

What do you mean,
that's 50p she owes you?

You told her they were burglars?

Erm... Well, there were
these four men earlier on.

- Dressed a bit like the SAS.
- Doing what?

Erm... they were coming out of your
front door carrying a three-piece suite.

One winked and gave me
a thumbs-up sign.

l assumed they were removal men.

Winked and gave you a thumbs-up sign?

Removal men, be buggered. l said to her,
''l bet they're stealing his furniture.''

''You've been watching too many
episodes of Crimewatch'' was all l got.

Oh! Oh... This could be dangerous.

Whoa! Well saved! Yes!

You watched them take it out and all
you did was say, ''l bet they're burglars''?

They were ransacking my bloody house.

They were nice as ninepence to us.
Didn't spill any crumbs on the carpet.

You can't go by appearances.
That's how they get away with...

What? What do you mean,
''Didn't spill any crumbs on the carpet''?

- They weren't in here, were they?
- They said it was thirsty work.

The one with the tattoo on his nose said
he could murder a mug of Quick Brew.

Very thirsty work?
l should think it bloody was.

There they were stripping my house
to bits in broad daylight

as merry as you please,
and you invite them in for tea?

What is this, Buster Edwards's
private catering company?

And two boxes of Mr Kipling's
almond slices they wolfed back.

Talk about gannets.
Wonder they didn't eat the plates.

l'm beginning to regret giving them
that jumpstart for their van now.

Whoa! Just shaved the woodwork.
Bad luck, my son.

Jumpstart their... You're not serious?

The van wouldn't start. We were
only trying to be good Samaritans.

Good Samaritans? Oh, hello?
Yes. l'd like to report a burglary, please.

And two extremely brutal murders.

(Margaret) l want to disinfect the place
from top to bottom.

Just have to leave it to those two
detectives. Hope they can catch them.

Detectives? l thought it was two
schoolboys asking for their ball back.

One of them walked like a duck.
l suppose you noticed that.

They were a bit young,
but they were very methodical.

Walking like a duck doesn't mean
he can't do his job.

Like being interviewed
by Titch and Quackers.

Look at this.
You can't tell me this is methodical.

Dusting a cucumber for fingerprints?

l thought it had mildew. Look at it.

ln the bathroom, l saw them spraying
their stuff on the lavatory seat.

What's the idea? Scotland Yard has
everyone's buttocks on file, have they?

Now you know what it's like
with you and your talcum powder.

- What do you mean?
- Lift the lid on that seat,

you'd think
someone had spilt a sherbet dab.

Anyway, can we just drop
the whole thing now, please?

l've just about had enough for one day.

Oh... God!

lt's a wonder they managed to get
through these doors to steal anything.

Three weeks this carpet's been down.
Will we ever get them shaved or not?


They're driving me up the bloody wall,
on top of everything else.

We agreed we'd wait for Chippie Joe
to come back from holiday.

There's no point getting charged
an arm and a leg.

They've left behind that bottle
of dodgy Greek brandy. You want some?

l suppose, yes.

We've still got all the joys of reporting it
to the insurance company.

That'll be about as much fun
as a kidney infection.


(Both sigh)

Yes, l'm enjoying this glass of glue.


What a day.

Oh. By the way, l've managed to get us
out of Meg's wedding on Saturday.

So you needn't shoot yourself in the foot
to be excused attendance.

You know what l'm like with weddings.

lt was bad enough at your nephew's
last year when that organ exploded.

Don't remind me.

The father of the bride coming down
with an unfortunate fungal infection.

Your mother turned round and thought
it was the phantom of the opera.

Thought we'd never get her
to stop screaming.

God, that bloody video camera man
they hired.

Got us to pose under a tree
and a bird's nest fell on my head.

Stood there like Jesus of Nazareth.

And egg yolk dribbling down my nose.

l told her a white lie.

l said you'd been rushed to hospital
for an emergency prostate operation.

l had?

You can still get her a present.

She said she could do with a decent pair
of salad tongs. l'll see what l can find.

Mmm... (Sighs)

l couldn't believe that pair
across the road today.

Every time you go into their house,
all they're doing is watching television.

l know.

lt's amazing to think that's all
some people's lives revolve around.

A box in the corner of the room.

You take it away
and you wonder what they find to do.

l know.

Ruth Rendell'll be on now.

Good God. Really?

You see, that's exactly what l mean.
Takes over your whole bloody life.

You sit there
gazing at all that tripe night after night.

From now on, we can do without it.

What? You mean not get another one?

Should have done it years ago.

lt'll give us a chance to get out and do
something worthwhile of an evening.

Get out?


(Dance music, loud chatter)

(Cash register beeps and clatters)

l don't believe it.

- Sorry?
- l thought it was when l was over there.

You don't remember me, do you?
Billy Whitney.

lB, Stopsley Road Secondary.

Billy Whitney... My God! Billy Whitney!

This must be the coincidence of all time.
lt must be... 50 years.

God, how are you? l'd never have...
No, actually, you haven't changed.

You haven't changed a bit.

My God. Stopsley Road, eh? There were
some characters there in those days, eh?

Oh, God, yes.

Who was that bloke that kept putting
his face in the tomato soup?

Bit of a mummy's boy.
Always wore a balaclava in the showers.

Er... Er...

- Poxy Gateskill.
- Gaskill.

Gaskill, that's right. Poxy Gaskill.

And that mad character
with trousers like a circus clown.

Everyone used to stick handkerchiefs
in their mouths to stop laughing.

What was his name?

Deary me... Er...

Meldrew. Victor Meldrew.

Oh, God, he was a pillock, wasn't he, eh?

There was a big drawing of him
on the wall in the girls' toilets.

l can see it to this day.

Oh, yes. You'd remember him, Steve,
because a lot of people thought...

A lot of people thought the two of you
looked a bit similar at one time of day.

Victor Meldrew, eh? Yeah, he was
a right bastard now l come to think of it.

Yes, well, actually, Billy, l think...

Christ, yes, l remember now.

l gave him my hamster one year
to look after while l was on holiday.

l came home
and found that his cat had eaten it.

l mean, that was bad enough,
except he tried to palm it off as a suicide.

He gave me some tale
about it throwing itself off the sideboard

into the path of a speeding marble.

Said his mother must have been
crossbred with a lemming or something.

Yeah, l'd forgotten every word about it
until now.

Yes, well, l'm sure it was an accident.

Hello, stranger.
We can't get away from each other.

Meg! l... didn't know this was your local.

No, it's one of Billy's.
l'm not sure if he's here yet.

Oh, yes. There he is.

- You've been up to hospital, have you?
- Sorry?

Vodka and tonic, please. How is he?

Nasty things, prostates.

(Meg) My first husband had one.

Said it was like
trying to empty a hot water bottle

with someone standing on the nozzle.

Anyway, now you're here, you can
come and say hello to my intended.

- Or are you meeting someone else?
- No, no.

l just fancied a quick one. You know.

- Hello, love.
- Oh, hello.

Sorry l'm late. Buses again.

This is Margaret from the florist.

You remember. l said her husband was
rushed to hospital with leaky plumbing.

Nice to meet you, Margaret.
How's he doing? All right?

ln absolute agony,
l should think, isn't he?

l would imagine so, yes.

Oh, l'm sorry. This is an old mate
of mine, Steve Posnett.

This is...

This is Meg,
my bride-to-be on Saturday, and...

- Hello, Steve.
- This is Margaret from the same shop.

Pleased to meet you, Steve.

How do you do? Nice to meet you.

So you live near here, then, Margaret?

Er... Riverbank.

Oh, l know it.
Very handy for the rubbish tip.

And what about you, Steve?

- Mmm?
- Where do you live?

Er... Dunne Hill.

Up by the park. That's quite near us.

ls it?

l know this is going to sound silly
and l should have said it before, but...

Oh, Meg! Let me show you.

What do you think of these?

l... bought them in that little shop.
You know, just inside the mall?

Oh, Margaret...

They're lovely. Very elegant.

- Not too expensive, l hope.
- l'll wrap them up. Do it properly.

lsn't that sweet?
l told her we could do with a pair.

Crackerjack, love.
Sorry, Steve. You were saying...

Well, l know this is going
to sound foolish, but... Aaaahhh!

lt's just...


Would... anyone like another drink at all?

(Margaret) Thanks a lot. That's lovely.

(Meg) See you tomorrow. 8:30 sharp.

- Night. Lovely to meet you.
- You too, Billy.

- Good night, Mr Posnett.
- Good night, er...

Actually, l've just thought.

Erm... l can get out here
and walk the rest of the way.

Are you mad? lt's miles.

lt'll bucket down any minute.
We go right past your road.




- Good night, then.
- Bye.

(Thunder rumbles)

l feel so sorry for that woman.

- Why's that, then?
- Her husband's a mental case.

l haven't met him, but by all accounts,

it's a blessing
they're not coming to the wedding.

Which one is it, Steve?


- Just the next corner here.
- Righty-ho.

Right, well... Thanks very much, then.

- Good night, Meg.
- Good night, Steve.

Good night.

(Groans) Oh, my...



What are you up to?
l thought you'd gone in.

You don't think l could use your loo,
do you? l should have gone in the pub.

l don't think l'm going to last
otherwise, see.

Yes, well, l'd really rather not waken
anyone up at this time of night.

You go on in. You're getting soaked
to the skin, man. l'll be fine.

Yes. Right.

(Toilet flushes)

l've been looking for this bloody thing


(Victor sneezes)

l don't know why you had to get up.
You'd feel better if you stayed in bed.

(Croaks) l feel worse when l stay in bed.


You're not going to have an argument
with Chippie Joe now.

Four hours l waited in for him yesterday.

Why can't people come
when they say they will?

(Music blares)

Listen. l'm picking up Radio Five again.

l go to buy a new telephone
and l come back with Jodrell Bank.

l won't kiss you because of the germs.
l'll see you later. Bye.


(Knock on door)

Morning, Mr Meldrew. You well?

- (Hoarse) Where the hell have you been?
- We did say Wednesday, didn't we?

How much
do you want off these exactly?

(Croaks) Just enough so they open
but not enough for a draught.

l said how much do you want off these,
Mr Meldrew?

Just shave them.

A quick shave. Anything off the top?

Yes. l'll have a shampoo and set.

And some blond highlights
at the handles. Just get on with it.

- (Coughs)
- (Joe sings)

l suppose you know you've got
a chicken's head in your geraniums.

And your postman's leg's
got a piece of drainpipe in it.

Look, who's doing this bloody jigsaw,
you or me?

Only trying to be of assistance.



Looks like you've got a bit of a cold
coming on there, Mr Meldrew.

(Phone rings)


Will you get off this bloody line?

l've just about had enough of this.

- Hello. Operator. Can l help you?
- Hello?

You call this a bloody telephone service?

(Engaged tone)

l'll try them again later.


For God's sake.
He's supposed to have done this door.

(Crockery smashes)

Oh. l was gonna say
be careful with this door, Mr Meldrew.

l haven't screwed it back in yet.

You won't see it from there.

- What?
- Columbo on Mrs Aylesbury's television.

l was just wondering
what episode it was.

Still, l've seen them all
a dozen times anyway.

Oh, for God's sake!

Will you sit down and stop fidgeting
about like you've got St Vitus' Dance?

- What's the matter with you?
- Me?

- l knew this would happen.
- What?

Getting all tetchy
because you don't have a TV to watch.

Tel... Me... lt's you.
You don't know where you are.

Who doesn't?

l'd get more peace
with a family of orang-utans.

l don't miss it. You needn't think that.
l don't miss it at all.

l'm only too glad
of a chance to do other things.


- Oh. lt's them back.
- Who?

The two detectives. They'll probably
tell us about our furniture.


(Victor) Ah. Yes. Right.

- l'm just off to the police station.
- What for? What's happened?

Er... l've been arrested.

Apparently. l won't be a tick.

Evening, Mrs Meldrew. l'm afraid
we've got to take your husband away

to help with our enquiries.

- As they say in the police force.
- What's he supposed to have done?

Earlier today, a phone call
of an unusually indecent nature

traced back to this number was made to
a young lady working at British Telecom.

The usual low husky voice
whispering a stream of obscenities.


The line was not a good one

but she distinctly remembers
the caller's use of the graphic phrases,

''Stark bollock naked''
and ''Dripping all down my legs''.

Why your husband would want
to spread dripping all down his legs

is of course something it's probably best
to draw a veil over for the time being.

Suffice it to say that
by snapping into action at once,

we were able to link this incident

with another one being investigated
by our colleagues at Morten Road ClD.

Relating to a midnight prowler

who was frightened off last night

whilst breaking into the house
of a young divorced mother of three

in the Dunne Hill area.

The lady gave us
quite a nifty description of the offender

seen through her back window

and claims the resulting photofit
to be an extremely accurate likeness.

And of course once we were able to
match up the prints on her doorknob

with those taken from your husband
for elimination purposes the other day,

the various pieces of the whole grisly
jigsaw slotted neatly into place.

- ls that a piece of drainpipe in his leg?
- l believe it is.

Right. All ready to go.
After you, Constable.

Oh, yes. Right.

l think he misses his police programmes.

Right. That's about it, then, Mrs Meldrew.

28-inch Nicam Fastext. We can have it
delivered to you first thing Monday.

- Not until then?
- ls that all right for you?

All right?

l have just spent the most unutterably
miserable week of my entire life

coping with a husband
deprived of his television set.

lf l have to prolong that agony for
another hour, let alone another weekend,

l may just do something very regrettable
with a pair of razor-tipped salad tongs.

Erm... l'll just have a word with dispatch
for you. l won't be a second.

(Screaming and laughter on TVs)

On lTV this Saturday at 8,

Jeremy Beadle introduces another crazy
catalogue of riotous video clips

sent in by you the viewers
in You've Been Framed!

The ''yolk's'' on you
the public once again

here at 8 o'clock this Saturday night

on lTV.

You're in luck. We can have your new
TV set with you Saturday afternoon at 3.

(# Mission lmpossible theme
plays on TVs)

No, that's all right.

Monday morning will be fine.

♪ They say l might as well face the truth

♪ That l am just too long in the tooth

♪ l've started to deteriorate

♪ And now l've passed
my own sell-by date

♪ Oh, l am no spring chicken, it's true

♪ l have to pop my teeth in to chew

♪ And my old knees
have started to knock

♪ l've just got too many miles
on the clock

♪ So l'm a wrinkly, crinkly,

♪ lt's true that my body
has seen better days

♪ But give me half a chance
and l can still misbehave

♪ One foot in the grave

♪ One foot in the grave

♪ One foot in the grave ♪