One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 2, Episode 1 - In Luton Airport No-One Can Hear You Scream - full transcript

The Meldrews return from their holiday via Luton airport where Victor's complaint about the crack in his bottom gets him searched by customs. Unfortunately their house has burnt down but six months later they get a new one on the insurance. They throw a house-warming party but people go to the wrong house twice over whilst Victor returns for a nostalgic look at the site of his old house.

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed

# But I have not yet quite gone to seed

# I may be over the hill now that I have retired

# Fading away but I've not yet expired

# Clapped out, run down, too old to save

# One foot in the grave #


That's the little café
where we used to go for our breakfast.

That was our last day in Athens, actually.

- Nice one of the ruins.
- I think that's the hotel.


Your postcard... which I gave to Victor to post.


''Arrived safe and sound. Plane trip fine,
apart from finding dead snake in the flight bag.

''Tell you all about that later.''

Oh, it's 39.

- Sorry?
- 39 wingate. It says here 30.

That's just Victor's 9s. I'm forever telling him.

- There you go.
- So, erm...

- How is Victor, then?
- You know, Jean, his usual self.

Oh, dear.

As well as can be expected after undergoing
an intimate body search by customs officers.

what exactly happened?

well, the man had just stopped him, how
they do, and said, ''And how are we today, sir?''

To which Victor replied,
''I'm fine apart from the crack in my bottom.''

You know he suffers with that crack.

well, that was it. He was in there
for two and a half hours while they looked for it.

Drugs officers. Everyone.

well, Jean, they're thorough once they get going.

- Margaret, there's something I've got...
- And all the luggage going walkabout!

- Margaret!
- It's been down to earth with a... real thud.

what is it? You've been all on edge ever since
you turned up. whatever's the matter?

I think I'm going to buy you a large brandy.

- Any luck?
- Luck?

They've emptied the entire cargo hold. They
swear the suitcases were never on the plane.

Good evening, Mrs warboys. How are you?
You know what's happened?

Those Greek baggage handlers
are all in the Mafia!

Mr Meldrew... did you have a nice time?

Terrible. Two weeks of misery incarnate
imprisoned in the most polluted city on earth

during the Greek coach drivers' strike!


Jean has some bad news.


what's happened?

- You won't get hysterical?
- what is it?

You won't start shouting or banging yourself
on the head with that tin tray? Promise me.

I won't shout or get hysterical.
Just tell me what's happened.

Your house has been demolished.

what happened was...

First of all, it caught fire.

Somehow two days after you left.

It was very badly gutted,
but it was still standing.

That was before the hurricane.

well, you see,
by then it was getting very, very hazardous...

with it collapsing on people
in the street and so on.

So they had no choice but to...

Oh, dear.

I got you a Tennents Pilsner lager.
I thought you'd need it.

Thank you.

No, it hasn't helped, I'm afraid.

what do they think happened?

It could have been children sticking a firework
through the letter box as a trick or treat,

but of course they can't prove anything.

It was Mrs Althorp across the road
who first smelt something burning.

Didn't she do anything?

well, yes. She turned down the gas
under her cauliflower.

she did try to ring the fire brigade,

but what with the arthritis in her fingers
and everything, she got the wrong number

and got through to a singing telegram agency.

Mind you, to give them their due,
they were round here very quickly.

who were?

The three men in gorilla costumes.

Three men in go...?

well, that was the answer to all our prayers!

So did they swing backwards and forwards
between the lamp-posts with buckets of water?

This was my house!

I'll get you some coats.
You'll catch your deaths out here.

I don't believe it!

I don't... You see this? Look at this!

The house has been razed to the ground
and they're still delivering the newspapers!

Those free newspapers they stick through
the door. Look at this. This is tonight's edition.

This has been delivered tonight!

- what are you looking for?
- where is it? Your fortune in the stars.

''Virgo. You'll come back today from your holiday

''to receive an extremely unpleasant rectal
examination from three men in peaked caps.

''Your luggage will go missing
on the other side of the world.

''Your house will be completely consumed
by a hideous fireball.

''You will end up tonight freezing to death
on a demolition site dressed as the Cisco Kid.''

Absolutely uncanny! He's hit the nail
right on the head and no mistake!

I'll never call Russell Grant
a vacuous lump of whale blubber ever again!

Look! what's this? Look at this!

A free sample of HP spicy sauces!

For God's sake, keep that bloody row down!
Haven't you got any consideration?

- what the hell's it got to do with you?
- I'm trying to get some bloody sleep!

I'm not getting any with you down there yakking
about rectal examinations and spicy sauces.

Do you know what the time is?

Time you stuck your head
down a waste disposal system!

You'll waken the whole street!

I have just returned home to find
my entire house burned to the ground!

Don't I know it! I didn't get
any bloody sleep that night either!

Fire engines and God knows what
till the early hours!

I'm sorry they disturbed you.

I'll ask if they mind climbing up the ladders
in their stocking feet next time. How about that?

Put a silencer in their sirens!

Is that him back again? Old misery guts?
I thought it was too good to last.

Do you have to make that bleeding racket
all night long?

If I want to make a racket, I will. If you don't
like it, you can both bloody well lump it!


where are you going?

I'm going upstairs to bed
so I can waken up in the morning

to find out that this is all a hideous dream!


Is there any need for all this packaging
with everything these days?

Did this have the Taj Mahal in it?

whoa! That was the food mixer.

I'll need that to send back when it goes wrong.

I'll erm...
I'll put it in the loft with the others.

- Victor, will you answer the door?

Ah, it is you. I thought it was.
Mr Meldrew, isn't it?

Fancy you turning up as a neighbour!
How are you settling in?

- I'm sorry?
- Nick Swainey.

Outward Bound For The Elderly. Last year?

I called round and you told me to piss off.

Yes, I thought it was you
when I looked out the window

and saw you kicking
that kiddy's tricycle off the front lawn.

I said to Mother, ''He's trouble.
we'd better evacuate the street.''

- I was just joking with you, sir.
- Oh. Right.

- How are you?
- Just myself and Mother, who's housebound.

But there we are.
You can't do anything about it, can you?

To be honest, it's nice to see this place
occupied after all this time.

Silly, isn't it? People being put off just
because of what happened in that bathroom.

what difference does it make
what happened to old Mr Gittings up there?

Yes, I know, it's ridic...

what do you mean,
what happened up there to old Mr Gittings?

Oh, erm...

well, we don't want to dwell
on all the gory details.

It's not a very nice subject for discussion.
I mean, razor blades and all that. Anyway...

Razor blades?

Talking of bathrooms, could I ask you
not to use your lavatory after 12.30 at night?

Only it sets off a noise
like an air-raid siren our side.

It goes right through all the pipes in our loo
for five or ten minutes.

Oh, right. And how long would you like me
to hold my bladder till in the morning?

will eight o'clock be OK? we'll keep
a couple of buckets on the bedside table!

You are kind, Mr Meldrew. This came through
our door by mistake. I think it's yours.

well, be seeing you, then, Mr Meldrew.

If there's anything you want,
I'm only six inches away.

How very comforting (!)

was that our new neighbour?
You might have called me.

''Dear Mr Beldrew, thank you for your letter
about your missing luggage and list of contents.

''As yet we've been unable to trace these,

''although we believe
the enclosed may belong to you.

''Assuring you of our utmost attention
at all times.''

- what's this?
- Let's see.

Oh, it's your sock all right.
I recognise the darning.

Is this it after six months scouring
the Aegean peninsula for our belongings?

One bloody sock?!

I'm going to the pub now.
I may be gone some time.


Morning, Mr Meldrew. It's a scorcher today,
isn't it? Lovely weather, I must say.

- what's the idea of this?
- Makes it easier.

Save all that trooping round the front all the time.

Used to help me keep an eye on old Mr Gittings,
make sure he was OK. Up to his horrific death.

Oh, Mother asked me to give you
some cuttings from her wandering Jew.

They like a bright position,
but try and avoid the direct sunlight.

- Thank you. That's very thoughtful of her.
- She's up there now. You can give her a wave.

- I can't see anyone.
- There she is. Look.

He says it's very nice of you, Mother!

Anyway, I'd better dash.
I expect you'll find somewhere for them.

- what about the bathroom? That's a thought.
- Yes, thank you.

Bathroom? what about the bathroom?
why do you keep going on about the bathroom?

Right! It's all free now if you want to go in.


Yes, I don't think I'll bother tonight.

I've just run the water for you.

No, I'll leave it to the morning now, I think.

Right. How long has this got to go on for?

- what?
- ''what?'' You!

Too terrified to set foot
inside your own shower!

I don't wonder people committed suicide
in this house.

we don't know what happened
to old Mr Gittings. we've only got his word for it.

Three times he was round today
asking if we were all right for slug pellets!

He's got a very sinister dimple.

what about that housebound mother he keeps
talking about? You never actually see her.

No, I expect he's had her stuffed
and locked up in the cellar.

I told you this would happen, didn't I? If you
stayed up to watch that Alfred Hitchcock film.

I said it would put all sorts of stupid ideas
into your head.

I wish you'd be told.
He's a perfectly nice young man...



Oh! Hello, Mr Swainey.

Erm... yes, we did flush it
a short while ago, I'm afraid.

Did you...?

Oh, dear. Is it?

Oh, no, funnily enough,
there's no noise at all our side.

Yes. Yes. well, we'll try not to in future.

And I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Night-night.

I'll ring the water company in the morning,
see if they can sort it out.

I suppose... four loaves are all right
for tomorrow for sandwiches?

It's only 20 people. It should be enough.

Oh, by the way, your cousin Ivor rang,
said he would try and get along.

Perhaps he'll bring
one of his musical instruments.

Oh, goody (!) Like he did at Auntie Vi's
funeral when he tried to play ''Abide with Me''

and got that miniature harmonica
stuck in his throat?

Ended up reciting the 23rd Psalm
like ''Sparky's Magic Piano''.

Oh, cheer up!

It'll be fun having a house-warming party.

It'll be a real chance to enjoy ourselves.

well, this is spiffing fun, isn't it?

- Half past nine!
- where are you going?

well, I thought I might just mingle, you know.

Circulate among some
of the pilchard sandwiches.

I definitely put 7.30 on the invitations.
I checked before I posted them.

Eight tins of pilchards!
well, that was money well spent, wasn't it?

They can't all be this late, surely!

The pilchards arrived on time. They arrived
in their droves. Couldn't get here quick enough!

Perhaps there's a traffic jam or something.

It's not even as if either of us
likes pilchards.

Oh, will you give over about the bloody
pilchards! I'll go out tomorrow and buy a cat!

It's not my fault if everybody fails...


where did we put that Christian Aid envelope?

Here it is.

Hold on, I'll see if I can squeeze
five loaves and two pilchards into it!

Give me that!

Your cousin Roger, is he still driving
that rust-coloured Citroën 2CV?

Driving it? He'll probably be buried in it. why?

It's parked outside a house down the road.

- what?
- Just down on the corner.

Stay here.




Victor, how's it going?
I haven't seen you all evening.

You've done a great job in such a short space
of time. I was just saying to Pam.

You've turned it into a real home.
It's a real credit to you.

- what's going on?
- Mr Meldrew, there you are.

I really admire what Margaret's done
with the curtains in here.

It's a real change of style for both of you,

when you used to always go in for
those rather drab greys and browns.

Really freshens the place up.

where is she?
I haven't had a chance to talk to her yet.

what are you all doing in this house? This isn't
my house. This is somebody else's house.

whose house is this?

Oh, excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me, is this your house?


This is my party. These are my guests
come for my house-warming party.

They all brought drinks and presents for me.

- I thought they were from the social services.
- Social ser...?

Right, hello! Hello, everyone!

Attention, please! Excuse me. Excuse me.

Could I have your attention, please?

- There's been some sort of mistake here.
- what do you mean?

well, you see, I don't live in this house.

well, what did you buy it for, then?

I bought a house round the corner.

- why are you having a party in this one?
- what?

why are you holding a party in somebody else's
house? Didn't want to mess up his own carpet!

No, it's perfectly obvious you've all misread
the invitation somehow or other.

This is No.10 Riverbank, isn't it?
That's what it says.

- That's 19.
- That's never a 9 in a month of Sundays!

- That's a 9.
- Nobody does their 9s like that.

would you say that was a 9?

That's a 9. That's a 0.
That's definitely not a 9.

He's always had trouble with his 9s.
They come out like whirlpools.

His Hs aren't much better. Look more like Ms.

I thought it said ''mouse-warming party''.

Mouse-warming? what do you mean,
mouse-warming? That's quite clearly a letter H.

Look, it doesn't matter what it looks like.

Can we just leave this gentleman's house
and come over to the party at my house?

Before the Earth gets sucked into the Sun!

I was enjoying that.


Come along.

Roger, hello. I'm sorry about this.

Ivor, how are you?
Just go through. Help yourself to drinks.


- Hello, Mr Meldrew.
- what are you doing?

- I was just seeing if I could fix the noise.
- No, not tonight. we're trying to have a party.

- would you like a drink?
- No, I've got to be up at six.

Have you? Another time perhaps.

Thanks very much for popping round.

See you again soon, I hope.
Goodnight. Sweet dreams!


They were only having our house-warming party
down in No.10! Can you believe that?

Victor, what have you just done?

I'm sorry. I wasn't in the mood for him tonight.
Not on top of everything else!

This is his house!


You have just thrown Mr Swainey
out of his own house, Victor!

But this...

- what are YOU doing here?
- He asked me to help put his mother to bed.

She'd just had one of her nasty turns
and he was... I... You...

Oh, I just don't believe you sometimes!

Didn't you even look?


Er... excuse me. Hello!

May I... May I have your...
Could I have your atten...?

Could I have your attention, please?

I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you
to come with me again. I'm sorry about this.

- You're not serious?
- whatever for?

well, this isn't my house.

- what?
- This isn't my house either, I'm afraid.

I thought it was, but it isn't. So I'm afraid
I'll have to ask you to come with me.

- I'm sorry, I know. It's not my fault.

They all look the same, so if you'd just like
to come with me, please. Come along.

Mrs warboys, come along.

And it's so nice to see you all settled again
after all your trials and tribulations.

Yes, it was fun.
Now, keep in touch. I'll give you a call.

Drive carefully, now. Goodnight!

well, that wasn't so bad in the end, was it?

Eugh! I'll leave this lot till tomorrow.

I don't know about you, but I'm whacked.




25 years it took to grow that apple tree.

I planted it in the spring of 1965.

Feeding it, spraying it.

Mulching the soil,
watering it through the droughts,

giving it an annual dressing
of potash and nitrogen every January.

Not one sodding apple!

Come on.

Let's go and plant another one.

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# I've started to deteriorate

# And now I've passed my own sell-by date

# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it 's true

# I have to pop my teeth in to chew

# And my old knees have started to knock

# I've just got too many miles on the clock

# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

# It's true that my body has seen better days

# But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave #

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