One Foot in the Grave (1990–2001): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Valley of Fear - full transcript

♪ They say I might as well face the truth

♪ That I am just too long in the tooth

♪ So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed

♪ But I am not yet quite gone to seed

♪ I may be over the hill now that I have retired

♪ Fading away, but I'm not yet expired

♪ Clapped out, run down, too old to save

♪ One foot in the grave ♪

That's the last time I go out
photographing badgers.

Sit down there and be quiet
and I'll make some cocoa.

I spend half my life up at that hospital. They
could give me a season ticket to intensive care!



I didn't like the attitude
of that girl at the desk on the way out.

All milk or half and half?

Asking me
when the next kamikaze mission was due!

She nearly got that nail polish
wedged right up her nose!

We've had enough violence for one evening.

And stop poking about at it! You'll make it worse.

(SNIFFS)

- I can still smell it.
- Smell what?

I don't know, but it's worse by the sideboard.

(PHONE RINGS)

770 301.

Hello, Mum. I thought I told you to go to bed
and stop worrying... No, he's fine, he's fine.

I'm not fine! Why are you telling her I'm fine?

Well, he'd gone out for the evening
was what happened.



Up to Bluebell Wood
with that new camera he bought.

I told you he bought himself a new camera.
Last Wednesday. I told you.

After he read that article about retired people
taking up hobbies to relieve anxiety and stress.

Yes.

He bought himself a camera, went up
Bluebell Wood to take a picture of the sunset

and got mugged by soccer hooligans.

Yes.

Dixon's, I think.
It was Dixon's you got it, wasn't it?

Tell her I was sexually molested!

He says to tell you he was sexually molested.
I think he was joking, Mum.

Well, he's got a few stitches,
but it's not serious, fortunately.

Not unless he develops a fatal
brain haemorrhage within the next 48 hours.

No. They didn't take anything.
That's what's so aggravating.

Just his watch and his wallet and his camera,

his credit cards, his chequebook,
his pen, his penknife.

Oh, and his brown tweed jacket.

That's just what I said, but they still took it.

Perhaps they wanted
to line a dog basket or something.

No. No, they've given him an injection
to make him sleep, but so far...

No, not to put him to sleep, Mum.
That's euthanasia.

Yes, I will. Yes, tomorrow. OK, night-night.

There's a skin on yours.

You're not gonna start watching that
at this time of night?

I want to watch ''Prisoner: Cell Block H''.

So much for that sedative they gave you, then!

Sedatives don't work on me.
They're a waste of time.

All the same, I reckon you could try
and have an early night for once.

Just to give yourself the chance to...

He'll soon be through those underpants again.

I know, Jean. It's a mystery to me how he does it.

Look! Look at that!
He'd wear out a suit of armour.

They don't seem to last five minutes on him,
do they?

Here! You may as well use them
to wipe your hands on!

Yes, thank you, ladies. I wonder if I could
bring in the lady up the road walking her dog.

Excuse me, madam! We're asking
everyone in the world what they think

of Victor Meldrew's disturbing tendency
to wear out a pair of Y-fronts in ten seconds flat!

Yes, the Bishop of Durham.
What's your point of view on this one, sir?

I don't think he slept very well last night.

I told you not to leave that side gate open.
What is it with kids these days?

If they're not cracking your skull open
for pleasure and profit,

they're vandalising your back wall and
shoving bottles of urine through your letter box!

- Shoving what?
- You saw that on the doormat this morning.

That was a free sample of Lucozade.

For God's sake, Margaret,
I wish you would close doors behind you!

You're right. I can definitely smell it.

- What do you think it is?
- I don't know, but it's worse by the sideboard.

Well, don't stand by the bloody sideboard!
Go home!

He can't smell a thing, Jean. Not since
that accident up his left nostril last summer.

Well, that was asking for trouble, wasn't it?

You should never try and sniff a live wasp,
Mr Meldrew. It's a well-known fact.

I was not sniffing a live wasp. What
do you think I am? Some sort of village idiot?

I was smelling a rhododendron.
I didn't see the wasp until...

- (CLANKING)
- Oh, God! That central heating again!

- It isn't even switched on!
- Mind your stitches!

I'll ring the plumber.
It's probably just an airlock.

And not that one with the glass eye.
That lavatory's still a death trap to this day!

Look, are you going down to the police station
this morning or not?

God knows why! I know what they'll say to me.
''We'll get someone to look into it.''

''A masked gunman has shot me
16 times up the bottom!''

''Right, sir, we'll get someone to look into it.''

''Stalin's death camps?
PC Purbright's down there now, sir!''

What are you doing here? Come on, out! Shoo!

Have you tried him on a B5 supplement at all?

(TV ON)

They might catch the people who attacked you.
You never can tell.

Yes, and they'll probably be given
the Queen's award for industry.

They care much more about the criminals than
the general public. Where are their priorities?

Mrs Althorp's scared to go out
to her dustbin after six.

A boy of 15 broke into a mortuary in Clacton
and cut someone's head off for a laugh.

- I read that this morning.
- What is it with these people?

He only got a L100 fine for criminal damage.

We never hacked people's heads off at their age.

You voted SDP.

What's that got to do with it?

That's how she got in, isn't it? People like you.

Maybe we should start a neighbourhood watch
for our own protection.

Maybe I should call a meeting of the residents.

- (BANGING)
- Shut up!

(BANGING STOPS)

You can bring me in one of those fizzy oranges.

(GUNFIRE ON TV)

(TV OFF)

Margaret...

What's the matter?

Did you put a cat in our freezer?

What?

The bottom of the freezer cabinet.
There's a cat in it.

What, a dead one?

Well, it's not playing with a bloody ball of wool!

It's frozen solid, woman!

Oh, my God!

Ohh!

Oh, my God!

I warned you not to go about
leaving doors open.

You might know
that something like this would happen.

I've come over all cold.

YOU'VE come over all cold? God Almighty!

- You're not going to take it out!
- I'm not going to leave it in there, am I?

So its eyes light up
every time you open the door.

I think I feel sick.

Are you sure it's dead?

Well, I should think it's a pretty safe bet,
wouldn't you?

It's a bit parky in there at the best of times.

How was it supposed to have kept warm?
Rub two fish fingers together to start a fire?

How long do you think it had been in there?

I don't know. I'll look for its sell-by date (!)

I mean, that's all I need,
the end to a perfect day!

Just as well we don't have a chest freezer or
I might be standing here with a frozen mammoth!

It's that stray. It's been sniffing round here
for two or three days.

I think it's pretty safe to say
it won't be sniffing any more.

I've gone right off those Lean Cuisines.

Tissues...

Tissues, tissues, tissues...

(BANGING)

Tissues...

- Good morning, Mrs Meldrew.
- Mrs Birkett, I'm just off out, actually.

Mrs Warboys said you might have some jumble.

- I forgot every word about it.
- I can come back this afternoon.

No, listen, I've got most of it sorted out
in the loft already.

Just help yourself.
You know how the stepladder comes down.

Victor's just gone out for his prescriptions.

- If you're sure you can trust me.
- Don't be daft!

Well, these days, Mrs Meldrew...

We've had some money gone missing
from the Institute. Someone fiddling the fund.

- It comes to something, doesn't it?
- I know.

- We've had to freeze the kitty and everything.
- What?

I said, ''We've had to freeze the kitty.''

I'll just leave you to it. I'll see you later.

Bye-bye.

(SNIFFS)

She's right. It is worse
when you stand by the sideboard.

''Warning. May cause skin
to turn dark red and flake off.

''May bleach dyed fabrics.

''Avoid contact with mucous membranes.

''Apply to back of neck with extreme caution.

''If vomiting occurs, discontinue use.

''Use only as a topical desquamative.''

Fine. What's in this one?
Nasal spray containing mustard gas (?)

(DOORBELL)

Plumber?

Yes, fine, come in.

It's the uh... The radiators keep clanking.

Absolutely deafening. Can't hear yourself think!

(SILENCE)

They've stopped now,
but you never know when they'll start again.

- Where's your pump?
- Upstairs, I think.

Oh, bloody woman!

How many times do I have to keep telling her?

Now, it's just in here.

Right.

What do I do with this?
Start a museum of Iron Age artefacts (?)

- I thought you said...
- You thought...?

Right, then.

Ohh!

Bloody hellfire! That's red-hot, that tank!

What have you been doing, testing
nuclear warheads in there? God Almighty!

Look at that! That's burnt me all down there!

- Sorry. Do you want some ointment?
- No, no, I'm used to it. I'm bloody used to it.

It's all right. I'll be all right in a minute.

Perhaps we can get you some dressing.

Don't tell HIM that.
He'll come back with vinaigrette!

No, no, I'm fine. Fine. Bloody used to it.

There! That's what I thought, you see.

Your thermostat's knackered.
You could fry an egg on that tank.

Agh! Look at that! Look, look!
Coming up in blisters now!

You must've known it was that bad.

I'm not in the habit of crouching about
in the airing cupboard

dressed as Alec Guinness
from ''Bridge On The River Kwai''!

I thought they were supposed to be hot!

I'll order you a new one up.
Take that lot back to the van.

That's the big white thing on wheels
parked outside.

How long is that going to take to come through?

(MRS BIRKETT) Hello!

Hello down there!

Hello!

Somebody! Somebody down there let me out!

Mr Meldrew!

Mr Meldrew!

Undo this door!

Right, three days, fine, thanks.
It'll have to be, won't it?

- (BANGING)
- For God's sake, will you shut the hell up?

Just shut up!

Thanks very much.

(BANGING CONTINUES)

- (FAINT) Hello!
- I'm not gonna stay and listen to this all day.

(FAINT) Hello!

Margaret!

(PHONE RINGS)

- Hello?
- (MARGARET) Victor, where have you been?

- I've been ringing all day.
- I've had a basin full of this central heating!

The plumber came
and can't do it till Monday at the earliest.

- Where have you been?
- I went to the library, then to the pub.

Then I went into town to get some earplugs
and I've just got back. Where are you?

I haven't been home at all yet.

I'm at Mrs Birkett's.

Well, that's just it. She hasn't come home.

And now Mr Birkett's got
one of his trembling fits coming on.

(CLATTER)

Just leave it, Mr Birkett! I'll sweep it up later!

We don't know.
Not since she left our place this morning.

We've been in touch with the police
and they say they'll get someone to look into it.

- Oh, dear, that is a mystery.
- (BANGING)

Shut up! Do you hear that?

(BANGING CONTINUES)

Well, look, you'd better just stay with him
until she gets back.

No, I'm fine. Fine.

All right, then. Bye!

Oh, for God's sake!

Go on, clank away! See if I care!

(TV ON)

(GUNFIRE ON TV)

(BANGING UPSTAIRS)

My goodness, what a night!

What? Oh, hang on.

Any joy?

Now Mr Birkett's fretting
that she's been abducted to grant sexual favours

to various sultans of the United Arab Emirates.

He always did live in a bit of a fantasy world.

- She must be somewhere.
- Did she say anything to you before she left?

I didn't see anything of her.
What time did she come round at?

Well, I left her to go into the loft and
that must have been about ten to ten, which...

(BANGING)

Oh, God, Victor, no!

- What?
- You haven't!

Haven't what, Margaret? Margaret!

Mrs Birkett?

Goody goody gumdrops!

Well, how was I supposed to know?
What am I supposed to do?

Carry out a daily inspection of the premises now
for batty old women and mummified tomcats?

To see what man or beast has been accidentally
snared in our house for all eternity?

I'm not telepathic. I don't have X-ray eyes!

I don't wonder people attack you
with an iron bar sometimes!

Right, everybody here now?

We had the same thing with our thermostat.

They had to empty the tank through a rubber
tube and drain the water off on the front lawn.

- Right, everybody...
- Got fined L250 for illegal use of a hosepipe!

By a man watching the house from a helicopter.

Right, then, everybody, serious crime...

I think we're all only too well aware of how bad
the problem's becoming around here just lately.

Only this week I myself was viciously attacked
by a gang of youths

and had to have hospital treatment
for a serious head wound.

- Can you smell something?
- I've been saying that all week.

- What is it?
- I don't know.

- And yet you can't smell it by the window.
- No, you can't.

It's worse by the sideboard.

- I can't smell anything here.
- You can over there.

If he can't smell it over here,
what's he going over there for?

- I can smell it here now.
- Go back over there!

- I wonder why you can't smell it here.
- No, it's if you come through from the kitchen.

You smell it worse by the sideboard.

- I'll see if you can smell it by the window.
- No, you can't.

- You can only smell it by the sideboard.
- For Christ's sake, it's perfectly simple!

Everyone just stay away
from the bloody sideboard!

- Why, what's wrong with it?
- I don't know. I can't smell anything!

Now, look... I think we're all becoming
increasingly worried about the behaviour

of young people around here these days.

- Litter and muck everywhere.
- Yes.

If you try and tell them about it, they cheek
you back and daub your house with obscenities.

They're vandals, all of them.
And sadistic with it too, some of them.

- That's right.
- Do you know what Meg and I found at the tip?

A dead cat.

That some monster had suffocated in a plastic
bin liner and stuffed down inside a skip.

- They must be sick.
- Birching's too good for them!

Yes, right, erm...

Yes, anyway...

It's important that we take precautions if,
for example, we go out on our own after dark.

Here you are,
this is the sort of thing I'm talking about.

He's got a gun!
That's not loaded, is it, Mr Meldrew?

- That's a starting pistol.
- What's that got to do with it?

It's a starting pistol. In case he's attacked
in an alleyway by Linford Christie!

The point is, Mr Prout, that it acts as a deterrent!

Fighting off assailants
before they do any damage.

Anything you can arm yourselves with to show
them that you mean business is all to the good.

Now, the idea of the home watch patrol...

Poor old Mr Melrose next door to me
can't get out of the house at all now.

- Aw!
- Not since he had those new locks fitted.

- The idea is...
- He ought to sue that security firm.

I was telling him through the letter box
if you ring up and file a proper...

Shut up!

Now, if we can all just stick together...

If we can all just make an effort to just...

to just try and just...

(SIGHS)

What time does ''Emmerdale Farm'' start?

I think it's just starting now, actually.

(''EMMERDALE FARM'' THEME MUSIC)

How are we doing, me old cock sparrow?
Need any help?

If I need any help, I'll call in Air Sea Rescue.

If you do, just give me a shout.

- Oh, yes, that's a lovely fit, sir.
- Is it?

- Made to measure.
- I look a right prat!

Only from certain angles. It's got a nice zip
on the inside pocket. Keep your wallet secure.

- What else is there?
- Erm, this one, sir.

There you go.

Perfect, sir. For you, perfect.

Fits you like a glove.

- This one hasn't got a zip.
- They only keep sticking. Bloody zips!

Looks a treat. Really does.

Does it?
And what about these trousers to go with it?

Yes... Yes, I can see your reasoning.
Very good choice, sir. Very good combination.

I also thought I might stick this paper bag
over my head. What do you reckon?

You're a comical character, sir.
Shall I wrap these up for you, sir?

Dump them in the Thames with 500 tons
of industrial effluent! I'm not buying them!

I was looking for something in a brown tweed.

I lost mine earlier in the week.

Ah! That looks more the sort of thing.

That's exactly the sort of...

Where did you get this jacket?

That one, sir, er...
I'm not sure I can remember where...

Can't you? That's a pity!
'Cause I know exactly where it's going!

- 'Ere! What the hell do you think you're doing?
- Take your hands off me if you value your life!

Morning, Mr Meldrew. You're looking awful today.
Even worse than usual.

Yes, Mrs Warboys, it's a joy to be alive (!)

- I took your advice.
- Sorry?

Protecting ourselves in the streets.

My God! Where did you get that?

Harold, my eldest, found it
when he was digging in the garden.

I saw him start wagging his tail
and I thought, ''Hello!''

Are you sure it's safe to...?

It's like you said. It's only for deterrence.

I mean, it's not live or anything. Look!

Don't do that!

It's Mrs Warboys' hand grenade.
How did that get there?

You stupid, stupid, stupid woman!

That old geezer's having a heart attack.

Get your grubby hands off me!

You're all the bloody same!
Nothing but a bunch of thieving bloody yobs!

Come back here, you bloody yobs!
I'll kill the pair of you!

That's not all. He keeps this old mad woman
locked up in the attic.

No. Nothing at all, Mum.

(SNIFFS)

It's amazing.
It's completely and totally disappeared.

I never did find out what it was,
but it's gone now.

What are you talking about? Mum, you can't...

Do you believe me?

- (FRONT DOOR SLAMS)
- I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye!

They got away again. Next time I'll have
Armalite rifles and surface-to-air missiles!

- You'll never guess what!
- Do you know what I found up at that market?

- The police just called round.
- On one of those clothes stalls!

- They brought your jacket back.
- Just hanging there in full...

Apparently, they were making a routine
drugs raid on one of those tower block flats.

That's where they found it.
It's even still got your chequebook inside!

What's the matter?

I've just carried out an armed robbery
in broad daylight.

Never mind. I'll put the kettle on.

(SNIFFS)

What the hell can I smell by this sideboard?

♪ They say I might as well face the truth

♪ That I am just too long in the tooth

♪ I've started to deteriorate

♪ And now I've passed my own sell-by date

♪ Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true

♪ I have to pop my teeth in to chew

♪ And my old knees have started to knock

♪ I've just got too many miles on the clock

♪ So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

♪ It's true that my body has seen better days

♪ But give me half a chance
and I can still misbehave

♪ One foot in the grave

♪ One foot in the grave

♪ One foot in the grave ♪