One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 9, Episode 12 - Never Hire a Relative - full transcript
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Don't you think
you're overdoing it a bit?
- Oh, well, these
vitamins are just
to give me strength
with Francine.
She's making me crazy
about the office expansion.
- I thought you settled that.
You were gonna rent
the room next door.
- Yep, we did.
It was my idea and she hated it.
She said that I
think like a peasant.
Ha, isn't that absurd?
(laughter)
Well, isn't it?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. (laughter)
- Thank you, honey.
Honey, it's getting pretty late.
Aren't you going for work?
- No work. (sighs)
- But what about
the shopping center?
- I passed.
- Passed?
- Yes, I know that horrifies
your practical little soul,
but even architects have
to take some time off.
- Mm, you mean goof off.
(laughter)
- Sounds even better.
How'd you like to
goof off with me?
- Darling, it's very tempting,
but somebody has to
keep the world going
for you lazy bums.
(laughter)
- Just once I'd like to
see you break your pattern
and just do something crazy.
How would you like to hop
on a plane, go down to Mexico.
We could see the ruins.
Wanna go to New York?
We could see the ruins.
(laughter)
- I got permission for
Schneider to break a doorway
into that next room.
- Wouldn't you like to just
go for a whole new office?
I mean, expand, remodel.
Wouldn't you like to have a
brand new first-class office?
- Of course, darling,
who wouldn't?
But the point is- -
Okay, I'll whip up
some sketches for you.
- Oh, darling, thank you.
I appreciate that, but all
I want is a simple door.
That's what I told Francine.
Just one door-period.
Ugh, she is so spoiled.
Uh, like some coffee?
She thinks just because
she's that attractive
she can get anything she wants.
Do you think she's attractive?
(laughter)
- No.
- Is she sexy?
- No. (laughter)
- Think she's ugly?
- Yes. (laughter)
- You're a very good husband.
(laughter)
- Uh, where do
you want this, lady?
- Oh, right over
here by this window.
You know, I am so proud
to see you doing this work.
Must be exciting
for you as a woman
breaking into new frontiers,
new job opportunities.
- What I'm doing,
lady, is busting my butt.
(laughter)
- Yes, yes, that too.
- Morning.
- Yeah, morning.
- Hello, Anne.
- Hello, Francine.
Well, we're gonna
be a little crowded
for awhile in here, aren't we?
Oh, uh, what is my
desk doing up here?
- Oh, well I thought the new
artist should have the light.
- So I get the dark up
here next to the bathroom?
(laughter)
- Well, Anne, there're
only so many choices.
I would offer you my desk
but we agreed that
when the clients come in
the first thing they
should see is me.
(laughter)
- When did we agree on that?
- Well, we must have.
It's so logical.
(laughter)
- Francine, I want my
desk back where it was.
You want to help me, please?
- Oh, I don't do desks.
(laughter)
- Francine.
- Well, alright, but my
chiropractor isn't going to like it.
We've been dating.
He is a wonderful lover.
You can try anything.
If it doesn't work, he can
always straighten you out.
(laughter)
- Fascinating.
- Oh, no need to
be sarcastic, Annie.
- No, I'm not being sarcastic.
It is fascinating. (laughter)
- Why are we moving
everything anyway?
(Annie grunts)
- We? (sighs)
- It's only temporary
until we get our new suite.
- Listen to me
carefully, Francine.
We are not getting a
whole new suite of offices.
We are just getting
the one room.
A suite costs way too
much and you know that.
- You're right.
You're absolutely right.
- I am?
- It was too expensive until
I took a lunch with Teddy.
(laughter)
- Teddy?
- Oh, Theodore
Boswell-the landlord.
We came to an agreement.
He is going to give
us a free year's lease
on the suite next door,
and we can change
it any way we want.
- Uh huh, I'm afraid to
ask what you agreed to do.
- Anne, for goodness sake,
don't look at me like that.
It's not what I agreed to do.
It's what you're going to do.
(laughter)
- Me?
- Of course.
I told him you're
the talented one.
You're going to give him a
free year's advertising copy
on his new line
of pressed turkey.
(laughter)
- Pressed turkey?
No, Francine, I am
not going to write
a year's copy on pressed turkey.
We don't need a whole suite.
All we need is just
the one room-period.
- (sighs) Annie, you
are so exasperating.
It's like working
with my grandmother.
- I thought your
grandmother was dead.
(laughter)
- Well, I'm sorry, but you're
usually so young and vital.
You've never acted
your age before.
(laughter)
- Francine, I want
you to listen to me.
Getting a suite
free is one thing.
Remodeling it and
redecorating it is another.
It would cost a fortune.
Now, if that doesn't sink
in, perhaps your chiropractor
can put you into a
position to understand it.
(laughter)
- (sigh) Thinking small costs
more in the long run, Anne.
Quality may keep customers,
but it's dazzle
that brings them in.
- Mm, kind of sums up the
difference between us, doesn't it?
- The future belongs
to the dreamers, Annie.
If you want to be successful,
you have to look like it.
Besides, I'm tired of
having a poky little office
that I'm ashamed to
invite my friends to.
- Francine, your friends
aren't even awake
during business hours.
(laughter)
♪ Work for the union
labor - Hello, girls.
How are ya?
So, where do you
want to put the door?
- What door?
- Well, she told
me to come down,
break down a
wall, put in a door.
- [Annie] Right here,
Schneider, right here.
- Oh, Schneider, thank you
very much for coming down
but you see we are
going to do a total remodel.
- No, we're not.
- Oh, was that what Sam is
drawing up them plans for, huh?
- He went ahead on that?
- What plans?
- Ah, nevermind.
Would you cut the
hole for the door
right here?
- No, no doors.
- Where do you
want the fountain?
- Fountain?
- Oh, the fountain.
- What fountain?
- Bring it in, Moose.
(laughter)
- Oh, my, isn't that gorgeous?
I saw it in the
decorator's window,
and I just couldn't pass it up.
Won't it be beautiful
in our foyer?
- Francine.
- A foyer?
A fountain?
You ought to put on a red light.
Maybe you can start
another business.
(laughter)
- Uh, Schneider, would
you cut the hole for the door
please?
- No, no hole.
- No fountain.
Would you take it out of here?
- No, do not
take it out of here.
- Francine.
- Well, perhaps we
should take it out of here
and just lock it in
the suite next door
until my partner gets
used to the elegance.
(laughter)
- My uncle, he used to-
- Schneider.
- Had his own van.
- Please.
- Oh. (laughs)
(clears throat)
My dad used to
always say you can
never tell a mover
by his coveralls.
(laughter)
I'll go check on
the fountain for ya.
Meanwhile, you
make up your mind.
You want a hole,
you don't want a hole.
- No, no, no, no,
Schneider, please.
Cut the hole for the door.
- Yeah, but
Francine said not to.
- Are you gonna listen
to me or Francine?
(laughter)
Cut the hole.
(doorbell rings)
- Hi, Francine.
- Hi, Sam.
Is Anne here?
- No, she isn't.
Isn't she at the office?
- Well, I had a late
luncheon engagement
and I thought perhaps she had-
No, that's a fib.
I knew that you were here,
and I wanted to see you alone.
I saw Schneider and he said that
you're working on some
sketches for our office.
- Yeah, I was.
Please excuse the mess.
- Oh, my goodness.
You've been having
quite a little snack.
- I was testing my willpower.
Turns out, I don't have any.
(laughter)
- Well, Sam, I'll tell
you why I'm here.
Normally I would never
go behind a person's back,
but our agency is just
screaming to expand.
Anne is, well,
creative and intelligent,
but just a teensy bit stubborn.
- A teensy bit.
(laughter)
- Sam, I know that Anne
wants to expand the agency
just as much as I do, but
she simply won't let herself go.
Now, we are doing very
well, and we need to expand.
I mean, it's necessary.
It's, well, it's like a
person eating all of his food
and not buying a larger belt.
(laughter)
Sam, don't take that personally.
You have a very nice tummy.
It denotes success.
(laughter)
(sighs) So, let's face it.
It is up to you and me-
the two people who
absolutely love her the most-
to inspire her, to set
her free so she can fly.
Sam, if I could just
show her some plans
by a top flight architect, a
poet in concrete and steel.
- Francine, why are you here?
- I want to be rich.
(laughter)
- Makes sense.
Anne is gonna love this.
Come here.
Look at this, Francine.
If we put the reception
area right in the middle,
okay?
- Yes.
- That gives us two wings.
- Uh huh.
- One for you, one for Anne.
Now we give you the old office.
- The old office? (laughter)
- They'll be the same.
- Of course.
- Yeah.
- But we are still
using my concept
about the Italian archways?
- Oh, yes.
It's hard to forget that one.
(laughter)
- Oh, now where are the
sketches of the conference room?
- You were looking at
them on the window seat.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, hi, my darling.
Tell you, what a day!
I am crazed.
You know what I would like?
I would like you to
pick me up in your arms,
carry me to the bedroom, and
make passionate love to me.
(laughter)
- See you later, Francine.
(laughter)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- What are you doing here?
- Annie, Annie, wait
until you see the plans
that we've drawn
up for the suite.
- Yeah, I think
you're gonna like 'em.
- They're just
preliminary sketches.
Annie, I know that you do
have a modicum of reluctance
about this whole thing
but why don't you just
absorb these ideas
and sleep on it?
Then we'll talk about
it in the morning.
(laughs) Bye.
- Sam.
- Okay, no, no, no.
- Sam.
- Come on.
Wait a second.
I just got an inspiration.
(laughter)
(applause)
- Oh, good, I'm
glad you're here.
Annie, look, I think this
coyote beige wallpaper
will just be wonderful for
the overall color scheme
of the new suite.
Of course, I haven't
checked with you.
- Me?
Shouldn't you
check with Sam first?
- Oh, I suppose I should.
Is he home?
(laughter)
- Francine.
You got to my home,
behind my back,
talk my husband into wasting
his time and our money
on your grandiose scheme.
- Annie, I know what
you're talking about.
I really do.
- Good.
- You have reached a nice,
comfortable position in life-
no hunger, a successful
business, a husband-
but there's no reason
for my life to stop
while you stagnate.
- I'm stagnant?
- [Schneider] I thought
you was on the pill!
(laughter)
(hammering)
- Schneider, is that you?
- [Schneider] Oh, a
couple of days, I think.
(laughter) (hammering)
- Is he putting a
door in this wall?
- Yes, one door.
- No door.
- Look.
- Hi.
- Hi, what are you doing here?
- I came for my goodbye kiss.
Seems you forgot it.
- Oh, dear, have I caused
another domestic squabble?
It seems to be my karma.
(laughter)
Well, I'll let the two
of you talk it out.
(hammering) Will
you knock it off?
No door.
- [Schneider] Oh, I'm okay.
(laughter) (hammering)
- You want to go out
and get some coffee?
- Got coffee right here.
- Well, I thought if we
went out we could talk.
- Sam, I really don't want to
look at those plans anymore.
(hammering)
Schneider!
- [Schneider] Huh?
- Just stop it!
- [Schneider] Oh, I'd
say a couple of days.
(laughter) (hammering)
- Just not so loud.
(light hammering)
(laughter)
- I just want you
to look at one thing.
You know how
you're always saying
that you waste so much
time going out to eat?
Well, I've added a kitchen.
- Kitchen?
Hey, how 'bout a sauna?
- Could probably go over here.
- Oh, Sam. (laughter)
- Look, I'm not trying to
push any of this off on you.
I like what I've done here.
From an architect's
point of view,
I think it's pretty good,
but if you don't like it, fine.
We'll just forget it.
- Okay, Sam, okay. (hammering)
Because I don't-(laughter)
- This, uh, this where
you want the hole?
(laughter)
- Looks as those we
don't have much choice.
(laughter)
- Snappy outfit, Roy.
Can I place a benefit?
(laughter)
- Schneider, would
you mind if my wife and I
continued a private
conversation?
- Not at all.
You two are married.
(laughter)
(sighs)
- Sam, am I stagnating?
Francine says that I am.
- Well, it's a bad
choice of words.
Complacent would be better.
- Complacent.
- And afraid to risk
losing what you have.
- Yeah, well, does
that bother you?
- No.
- It bothers you.
- [Schneider] What the-?
Get down!
Get!
- Schneider.
- Ms. Romano?
- Yeah, what?
- Francine saw my hammer.
(laughter) It's over-out.
- Keep those bulletins
coming, Schneider.
(laughter)
Look, alright, it
does bother me.
It just seems to me like
it would be a good idea
for you to take this risk now,
but this is coming
from a man who wanted
to buy a hotel full of
lizards in the South Seas.
(laughter)
- And I couldn't wait
to get out of there.
- Yes, I remember,
and I understand.
We're different.
If I'd bought the hotel, I
probably would've gone broke.
What a great place to go broke.
(Schneider laughs)
(laughter)
(Schneider laughs)
- [Schneider] Guess what?
- [Annie] What?
- I had an extra hammer.
(Schneider laughs)
(audience laughter)
- I can't stay too long, Mom.
Mark is expecting me.
- I know, darling, that's okay.
I just needed to talk to you.
You're level-headed.
You're down-to-earth, and I
really respect your opinion.
- Thank you.
What is it?
- [Annie] It's Sam and Francine.
- Sam and Francine?
Mom?
- Oh, no, not that kind of
Sam and Francine. (laughter)
They're going crazy
about remodeling
and expanding the office.
I mean, if they had their
way, we'd have a cross
between the lobby
of the Roxy Theater
and the Baths of Caracalla.
(laughter)
- Baths of Caracalla?
- They're trying to
make the Taj Mahal
out of a sow's ear, and I am
stuck with the pressed turkey.
(laughter)
- Pressed turkey?
- Barbara, would you
pay attention please?
Look, all we need is
one room and a door.
- Right.
- And I need a sane
person's opinion on this.
- About the door?
- Pay attention,
Barbara-about me.
- Ah, about you.
- Right.
- What about you?
(laughter)
- Alright, um, am I
afraid to take a chance?
Have I grown too complacent?
- You, mom?
Complacent?
No. (laughs)
You're a very vital woman.
- Thank you.
I don't think Sam thinks I am.
- Oh, come on,
of course he does.
Look, I think you're
right about this thing.
I mean, what if your company
went on with this expansion
and then went broke?
Somebody has to be
reasonable about it.
Mark says you can't go
to the moon on a butterfly.
- Mark says that?
- Mm hmm.
He's really got a good
head on his shoulders.
He's not like Sam.
(laughter) I mean, not-
You know, I love
Sam and everything,
but he is a little impractical.
That's why he needs you, Mom.
He needs an anchor.
- Uh huh.
- Mm hmm.
- Oh, darling, if you
have to go, please.
- Well, it's just
that we were gonna
go look for home computers.
- Really?
Aren't they very expensive?
- Yeah, but in the long run
it'll end up paying for itself.
All you have to do
with a computer is
program in your budget,
then press one button,
and you know where you
stand today, tomorrow, next year.
No surprises, right?
- Right, no surprises.
- Besides, we're saving
for a trip to Europe.
- That's wonderful.
When?
- In four years.
(laughter)
Maybe sooner if we cut our
movies down to once a month
and don't eat out so often.
Oh, thank God I
met a man like Mark.
He's not a magic carpet
salesman like his father. (laughs)
That's why Sam needs you.
You're solid.
You're more like we are.
I'll see you later.
Hi, Sam.
Bye, Sam.
- What's your hurry?
- Oh, we're gonna go
look for home computers.
- Oh, sounds like Mark.
- (laughs) Bye.
- Bye, thank you.
- I've been thinking
about the office,
and we can
eliminate the kitchen.
- Don't eliminate anything.
I want to go to the
moon on a butterfly.
(laughter)
- Bust a hole in the wall.
Don't bust a hole in the wall.
Make a door.
Don't make a door.
Like I was gonna retire on
the profits from this one job.
(laughter)
- I just can't believe this.
How did Sam change your mind?
Ah, yes. (laughs)
- "Ah, yes" had
nothing to do with it.
We were up half the night
talking about the plans.
- By then I had a headache.
(laughter)
- Ladies and gentlemen, I
have an announcement to make.
I am now about to plaster
over this hole, alright?
But, if there are
any more changes,
I'm gonna call a work
stoppage and I'm going on strike.
- It's alright, Schneider.
- Just, you know, fix it.
- Just put the
plaster on the wall.
- [Schneider] You're
scared of a strike, huh?
(Schneider laughs)
- Okay, this is the main hall.
- Oh, oh, where is my fountain?
(laughter)
- It'll be there.
We just haven't figured
out where to put it.
- How 'bout the bathroom?
(laughter)
We could hang towels on it.
(laughter)
- This is the conversation room.
It's where you converse,
and the presentation
room where you present.
(laughter)
This is the foyer where you foy.
(laughter)
- Oh, oh, look, a
fireplace in my office.
Oh, Annie, that's
nice you get one too.
(laughter) What a
wonderful idea, Sam.
- It's not gonna be cheap.
We've got run chimney
flues up through the roof.
- I don't care.
I don't even want
to know about it.
How much?
(laughter)
- Three, four thousand.
- Oh, is that all?
- Per flue?
(laughter)
- Oh, you know what
I think we should do?
I think we should turn
one of the spare offices
into a projection room.
You know, with blackout
curtains and we can get the
couches that are- - We used to
have a room like that down
at the lodge, you know?
Yeah, mostly we showed, you
know, home movies. (laughs)
The word got out,
and we got raided.
(laughter)
- You know a projection
room is not a bad idea.
- Couldn't we
combine that, perhaps,
with the conference room?
- Well, I suppose we could.
- Let's just stay with it here.
I think we can bring this in
for under a hundred thousand.
Now, if you amortize that over a
thirty year period-
- Oh, you know,
I saw a beautiful
painting for the foyer-
Italian Renaissance
with cupids with curly hair.
- No, stop.
I can't.
I can't do it.
This whole thing
is making me sick.
I thought I could
do it but I can't.
This doesn't make any sense.
(sighs) We are a small
advertising agency.
Maybe we'll grow,
but I cannot justify
fountains and fireplaces
and paintings of
Italian cupids with curly hair.
(sighs) I am not stagnant.
I am not complacent.
I am sensible.
It is sensible to be sensible.
Barbara was right;
Barbara was right.
People need anchors.
- You really do like
being an anchor.
I just thought anybody
would jump at the chance
to do something exciting.
- Going to Venice is exciting.
You're exciting, but, Sam, this
expansion thing is not exciting.
It's like gambling
with the lunch money.
- You won't need lunch money.
We'll have a kitchen.
(laughter)
- Francine, she's talking
about something different.
- Yeah, thank you for
understanding, Sam.
We can afford a few hundred
a month more for bigger offices.
If we have to
scrape a little, fine,
but I will not pay for it
with your maneuvering
and my blood spilled
over pressed turkey.
Can you understand
that at all, Francine?
- You have your business
methods, and I have mine.
(paper ripping)
- What are you doing?
- In my overly dramatic
way, I'm suggesting
you consider cutting
your costs in half.
(laughter)
- In half?
- Okay, by quarters.
- Twenty-five thousand dollars?
What does that leave us?
- Four empty rooms
and a dead fountain.
(laughter)
- Look, we can do
a lot of the work.
I'll put that a different way.
You can do a lot of
the work yourselves.
- We can rent
furniture to start.
- Lot of the guys from the lodge
might like to come
over and help out.
- Oh, that's terrific.
- How about my Italian arch?
- No, Francine, no.
What we have here
is four large rooms-
a lot of empty space
that must be filled
with very little money.
- You know, the Japanese
utilize empty space exquisitely.
Shoji screens-
they're just paper.
Tatami mats-they're just straw.
Maybe a few golden koi
swimming in the fountain.
(laughter)
Oh, I can just see
a little humpy bridge
leading to my office.
(laughter)
Schneider, Schneider,
you can get some of those
sweet lodge brothers to gather
stones for the rock garden.
(gasps) A Japanese tea house
instead of the coffee machine.
(laughter)
(applause)
("This is It")
(Columbine Pictures theme)
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Don't you think
you're overdoing it a bit?
- Oh, well, these
vitamins are just
to give me strength
with Francine.
She's making me crazy
about the office expansion.
- I thought you settled that.
You were gonna rent
the room next door.
- Yep, we did.
It was my idea and she hated it.
She said that I
think like a peasant.
Ha, isn't that absurd?
(laughter)
Well, isn't it?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. (laughter)
- Thank you, honey.
Honey, it's getting pretty late.
Aren't you going for work?
- No work. (sighs)
- But what about
the shopping center?
- I passed.
- Passed?
- Yes, I know that horrifies
your practical little soul,
but even architects have
to take some time off.
- Mm, you mean goof off.
(laughter)
- Sounds even better.
How'd you like to
goof off with me?
- Darling, it's very tempting,
but somebody has to
keep the world going
for you lazy bums.
(laughter)
- Just once I'd like to
see you break your pattern
and just do something crazy.
How would you like to hop
on a plane, go down to Mexico.
We could see the ruins.
Wanna go to New York?
We could see the ruins.
(laughter)
- I got permission for
Schneider to break a doorway
into that next room.
- Wouldn't you like to just
go for a whole new office?
I mean, expand, remodel.
Wouldn't you like to have a
brand new first-class office?
- Of course, darling,
who wouldn't?
But the point is- -
Okay, I'll whip up
some sketches for you.
- Oh, darling, thank you.
I appreciate that, but all
I want is a simple door.
That's what I told Francine.
Just one door-period.
Ugh, she is so spoiled.
Uh, like some coffee?
She thinks just because
she's that attractive
she can get anything she wants.
Do you think she's attractive?
(laughter)
- No.
- Is she sexy?
- No. (laughter)
- Think she's ugly?
- Yes. (laughter)
- You're a very good husband.
(laughter)
- Uh, where do
you want this, lady?
- Oh, right over
here by this window.
You know, I am so proud
to see you doing this work.
Must be exciting
for you as a woman
breaking into new frontiers,
new job opportunities.
- What I'm doing,
lady, is busting my butt.
(laughter)
- Yes, yes, that too.
- Morning.
- Yeah, morning.
- Hello, Anne.
- Hello, Francine.
Well, we're gonna
be a little crowded
for awhile in here, aren't we?
Oh, uh, what is my
desk doing up here?
- Oh, well I thought the new
artist should have the light.
- So I get the dark up
here next to the bathroom?
(laughter)
- Well, Anne, there're
only so many choices.
I would offer you my desk
but we agreed that
when the clients come in
the first thing they
should see is me.
(laughter)
- When did we agree on that?
- Well, we must have.
It's so logical.
(laughter)
- Francine, I want my
desk back where it was.
You want to help me, please?
- Oh, I don't do desks.
(laughter)
- Francine.
- Well, alright, but my
chiropractor isn't going to like it.
We've been dating.
He is a wonderful lover.
You can try anything.
If it doesn't work, he can
always straighten you out.
(laughter)
- Fascinating.
- Oh, no need to
be sarcastic, Annie.
- No, I'm not being sarcastic.
It is fascinating. (laughter)
- Why are we moving
everything anyway?
(Annie grunts)
- We? (sighs)
- It's only temporary
until we get our new suite.
- Listen to me
carefully, Francine.
We are not getting a
whole new suite of offices.
We are just getting
the one room.
A suite costs way too
much and you know that.
- You're right.
You're absolutely right.
- I am?
- It was too expensive until
I took a lunch with Teddy.
(laughter)
- Teddy?
- Oh, Theodore
Boswell-the landlord.
We came to an agreement.
He is going to give
us a free year's lease
on the suite next door,
and we can change
it any way we want.
- Uh huh, I'm afraid to
ask what you agreed to do.
- Anne, for goodness sake,
don't look at me like that.
It's not what I agreed to do.
It's what you're going to do.
(laughter)
- Me?
- Of course.
I told him you're
the talented one.
You're going to give him a
free year's advertising copy
on his new line
of pressed turkey.
(laughter)
- Pressed turkey?
No, Francine, I am
not going to write
a year's copy on pressed turkey.
We don't need a whole suite.
All we need is just
the one room-period.
- (sighs) Annie, you
are so exasperating.
It's like working
with my grandmother.
- I thought your
grandmother was dead.
(laughter)
- Well, I'm sorry, but you're
usually so young and vital.
You've never acted
your age before.
(laughter)
- Francine, I want
you to listen to me.
Getting a suite
free is one thing.
Remodeling it and
redecorating it is another.
It would cost a fortune.
Now, if that doesn't sink
in, perhaps your chiropractor
can put you into a
position to understand it.
(laughter)
- (sigh) Thinking small costs
more in the long run, Anne.
Quality may keep customers,
but it's dazzle
that brings them in.
- Mm, kind of sums up the
difference between us, doesn't it?
- The future belongs
to the dreamers, Annie.
If you want to be successful,
you have to look like it.
Besides, I'm tired of
having a poky little office
that I'm ashamed to
invite my friends to.
- Francine, your friends
aren't even awake
during business hours.
(laughter)
♪ Work for the union
labor - Hello, girls.
How are ya?
So, where do you
want to put the door?
- What door?
- Well, she told
me to come down,
break down a
wall, put in a door.
- [Annie] Right here,
Schneider, right here.
- Oh, Schneider, thank you
very much for coming down
but you see we are
going to do a total remodel.
- No, we're not.
- Oh, was that what Sam is
drawing up them plans for, huh?
- He went ahead on that?
- What plans?
- Ah, nevermind.
Would you cut the
hole for the door
right here?
- No, no doors.
- Where do you
want the fountain?
- Fountain?
- Oh, the fountain.
- What fountain?
- Bring it in, Moose.
(laughter)
- Oh, my, isn't that gorgeous?
I saw it in the
decorator's window,
and I just couldn't pass it up.
Won't it be beautiful
in our foyer?
- Francine.
- A foyer?
A fountain?
You ought to put on a red light.
Maybe you can start
another business.
(laughter)
- Uh, Schneider, would
you cut the hole for the door
please?
- No, no hole.
- No fountain.
Would you take it out of here?
- No, do not
take it out of here.
- Francine.
- Well, perhaps we
should take it out of here
and just lock it in
the suite next door
until my partner gets
used to the elegance.
(laughter)
- My uncle, he used to-
- Schneider.
- Had his own van.
- Please.
- Oh. (laughs)
(clears throat)
My dad used to
always say you can
never tell a mover
by his coveralls.
(laughter)
I'll go check on
the fountain for ya.
Meanwhile, you
make up your mind.
You want a hole,
you don't want a hole.
- No, no, no, no,
Schneider, please.
Cut the hole for the door.
- Yeah, but
Francine said not to.
- Are you gonna listen
to me or Francine?
(laughter)
Cut the hole.
(doorbell rings)
- Hi, Francine.
- Hi, Sam.
Is Anne here?
- No, she isn't.
Isn't she at the office?
- Well, I had a late
luncheon engagement
and I thought perhaps she had-
No, that's a fib.
I knew that you were here,
and I wanted to see you alone.
I saw Schneider and he said that
you're working on some
sketches for our office.
- Yeah, I was.
Please excuse the mess.
- Oh, my goodness.
You've been having
quite a little snack.
- I was testing my willpower.
Turns out, I don't have any.
(laughter)
- Well, Sam, I'll tell
you why I'm here.
Normally I would never
go behind a person's back,
but our agency is just
screaming to expand.
Anne is, well,
creative and intelligent,
but just a teensy bit stubborn.
- A teensy bit.
(laughter)
- Sam, I know that Anne
wants to expand the agency
just as much as I do, but
she simply won't let herself go.
Now, we are doing very
well, and we need to expand.
I mean, it's necessary.
It's, well, it's like a
person eating all of his food
and not buying a larger belt.
(laughter)
Sam, don't take that personally.
You have a very nice tummy.
It denotes success.
(laughter)
(sighs) So, let's face it.
It is up to you and me-
the two people who
absolutely love her the most-
to inspire her, to set
her free so she can fly.
Sam, if I could just
show her some plans
by a top flight architect, a
poet in concrete and steel.
- Francine, why are you here?
- I want to be rich.
(laughter)
- Makes sense.
Anne is gonna love this.
Come here.
Look at this, Francine.
If we put the reception
area right in the middle,
okay?
- Yes.
- That gives us two wings.
- Uh huh.
- One for you, one for Anne.
Now we give you the old office.
- The old office? (laughter)
- They'll be the same.
- Of course.
- Yeah.
- But we are still
using my concept
about the Italian archways?
- Oh, yes.
It's hard to forget that one.
(laughter)
- Oh, now where are the
sketches of the conference room?
- You were looking at
them on the window seat.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, hi, my darling.
Tell you, what a day!
I am crazed.
You know what I would like?
I would like you to
pick me up in your arms,
carry me to the bedroom, and
make passionate love to me.
(laughter)
- See you later, Francine.
(laughter)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- What are you doing here?
- Annie, Annie, wait
until you see the plans
that we've drawn
up for the suite.
- Yeah, I think
you're gonna like 'em.
- They're just
preliminary sketches.
Annie, I know that you do
have a modicum of reluctance
about this whole thing
but why don't you just
absorb these ideas
and sleep on it?
Then we'll talk about
it in the morning.
(laughs) Bye.
- Sam.
- Okay, no, no, no.
- Sam.
- Come on.
Wait a second.
I just got an inspiration.
(laughter)
(applause)
- Oh, good, I'm
glad you're here.
Annie, look, I think this
coyote beige wallpaper
will just be wonderful for
the overall color scheme
of the new suite.
Of course, I haven't
checked with you.
- Me?
Shouldn't you
check with Sam first?
- Oh, I suppose I should.
Is he home?
(laughter)
- Francine.
You got to my home,
behind my back,
talk my husband into wasting
his time and our money
on your grandiose scheme.
- Annie, I know what
you're talking about.
I really do.
- Good.
- You have reached a nice,
comfortable position in life-
no hunger, a successful
business, a husband-
but there's no reason
for my life to stop
while you stagnate.
- I'm stagnant?
- [Schneider] I thought
you was on the pill!
(laughter)
(hammering)
- Schneider, is that you?
- [Schneider] Oh, a
couple of days, I think.
(laughter) (hammering)
- Is he putting a
door in this wall?
- Yes, one door.
- No door.
- Look.
- Hi.
- Hi, what are you doing here?
- I came for my goodbye kiss.
Seems you forgot it.
- Oh, dear, have I caused
another domestic squabble?
It seems to be my karma.
(laughter)
Well, I'll let the two
of you talk it out.
(hammering) Will
you knock it off?
No door.
- [Schneider] Oh, I'm okay.
(laughter) (hammering)
- You want to go out
and get some coffee?
- Got coffee right here.
- Well, I thought if we
went out we could talk.
- Sam, I really don't want to
look at those plans anymore.
(hammering)
Schneider!
- [Schneider] Huh?
- Just stop it!
- [Schneider] Oh, I'd
say a couple of days.
(laughter) (hammering)
- Just not so loud.
(light hammering)
(laughter)
- I just want you
to look at one thing.
You know how
you're always saying
that you waste so much
time going out to eat?
Well, I've added a kitchen.
- Kitchen?
Hey, how 'bout a sauna?
- Could probably go over here.
- Oh, Sam. (laughter)
- Look, I'm not trying to
push any of this off on you.
I like what I've done here.
From an architect's
point of view,
I think it's pretty good,
but if you don't like it, fine.
We'll just forget it.
- Okay, Sam, okay. (hammering)
Because I don't-(laughter)
- This, uh, this where
you want the hole?
(laughter)
- Looks as those we
don't have much choice.
(laughter)
- Snappy outfit, Roy.
Can I place a benefit?
(laughter)
- Schneider, would
you mind if my wife and I
continued a private
conversation?
- Not at all.
You two are married.
(laughter)
(sighs)
- Sam, am I stagnating?
Francine says that I am.
- Well, it's a bad
choice of words.
Complacent would be better.
- Complacent.
- And afraid to risk
losing what you have.
- Yeah, well, does
that bother you?
- No.
- It bothers you.
- [Schneider] What the-?
Get down!
Get!
- Schneider.
- Ms. Romano?
- Yeah, what?
- Francine saw my hammer.
(laughter) It's over-out.
- Keep those bulletins
coming, Schneider.
(laughter)
Look, alright, it
does bother me.
It just seems to me like
it would be a good idea
for you to take this risk now,
but this is coming
from a man who wanted
to buy a hotel full of
lizards in the South Seas.
(laughter)
- And I couldn't wait
to get out of there.
- Yes, I remember,
and I understand.
We're different.
If I'd bought the hotel, I
probably would've gone broke.
What a great place to go broke.
(Schneider laughs)
(laughter)
(Schneider laughs)
- [Schneider] Guess what?
- [Annie] What?
- I had an extra hammer.
(Schneider laughs)
(audience laughter)
- I can't stay too long, Mom.
Mark is expecting me.
- I know, darling, that's okay.
I just needed to talk to you.
You're level-headed.
You're down-to-earth, and I
really respect your opinion.
- Thank you.
What is it?
- [Annie] It's Sam and Francine.
- Sam and Francine?
Mom?
- Oh, no, not that kind of
Sam and Francine. (laughter)
They're going crazy
about remodeling
and expanding the office.
I mean, if they had their
way, we'd have a cross
between the lobby
of the Roxy Theater
and the Baths of Caracalla.
(laughter)
- Baths of Caracalla?
- They're trying to
make the Taj Mahal
out of a sow's ear, and I am
stuck with the pressed turkey.
(laughter)
- Pressed turkey?
- Barbara, would you
pay attention please?
Look, all we need is
one room and a door.
- Right.
- And I need a sane
person's opinion on this.
- About the door?
- Pay attention,
Barbara-about me.
- Ah, about you.
- Right.
- What about you?
(laughter)
- Alright, um, am I
afraid to take a chance?
Have I grown too complacent?
- You, mom?
Complacent?
No. (laughs)
You're a very vital woman.
- Thank you.
I don't think Sam thinks I am.
- Oh, come on,
of course he does.
Look, I think you're
right about this thing.
I mean, what if your company
went on with this expansion
and then went broke?
Somebody has to be
reasonable about it.
Mark says you can't go
to the moon on a butterfly.
- Mark says that?
- Mm hmm.
He's really got a good
head on his shoulders.
He's not like Sam.
(laughter) I mean, not-
You know, I love
Sam and everything,
but he is a little impractical.
That's why he needs you, Mom.
He needs an anchor.
- Uh huh.
- Mm hmm.
- Oh, darling, if you
have to go, please.
- Well, it's just
that we were gonna
go look for home computers.
- Really?
Aren't they very expensive?
- Yeah, but in the long run
it'll end up paying for itself.
All you have to do
with a computer is
program in your budget,
then press one button,
and you know where you
stand today, tomorrow, next year.
No surprises, right?
- Right, no surprises.
- Besides, we're saving
for a trip to Europe.
- That's wonderful.
When?
- In four years.
(laughter)
Maybe sooner if we cut our
movies down to once a month
and don't eat out so often.
Oh, thank God I
met a man like Mark.
He's not a magic carpet
salesman like his father. (laughs)
That's why Sam needs you.
You're solid.
You're more like we are.
I'll see you later.
Hi, Sam.
Bye, Sam.
- What's your hurry?
- Oh, we're gonna go
look for home computers.
- Oh, sounds like Mark.
- (laughs) Bye.
- Bye, thank you.
- I've been thinking
about the office,
and we can
eliminate the kitchen.
- Don't eliminate anything.
I want to go to the
moon on a butterfly.
(laughter)
- Bust a hole in the wall.
Don't bust a hole in the wall.
Make a door.
Don't make a door.
Like I was gonna retire on
the profits from this one job.
(laughter)
- I just can't believe this.
How did Sam change your mind?
Ah, yes. (laughs)
- "Ah, yes" had
nothing to do with it.
We were up half the night
talking about the plans.
- By then I had a headache.
(laughter)
- Ladies and gentlemen, I
have an announcement to make.
I am now about to plaster
over this hole, alright?
But, if there are
any more changes,
I'm gonna call a work
stoppage and I'm going on strike.
- It's alright, Schneider.
- Just, you know, fix it.
- Just put the
plaster on the wall.
- [Schneider] You're
scared of a strike, huh?
(Schneider laughs)
- Okay, this is the main hall.
- Oh, oh, where is my fountain?
(laughter)
- It'll be there.
We just haven't figured
out where to put it.
- How 'bout the bathroom?
(laughter)
We could hang towels on it.
(laughter)
- This is the conversation room.
It's where you converse,
and the presentation
room where you present.
(laughter)
This is the foyer where you foy.
(laughter)
- Oh, oh, look, a
fireplace in my office.
Oh, Annie, that's
nice you get one too.
(laughter) What a
wonderful idea, Sam.
- It's not gonna be cheap.
We've got run chimney
flues up through the roof.
- I don't care.
I don't even want
to know about it.
How much?
(laughter)
- Three, four thousand.
- Oh, is that all?
- Per flue?
(laughter)
- Oh, you know what
I think we should do?
I think we should turn
one of the spare offices
into a projection room.
You know, with blackout
curtains and we can get the
couches that are- - We used to
have a room like that down
at the lodge, you know?
Yeah, mostly we showed, you
know, home movies. (laughs)
The word got out,
and we got raided.
(laughter)
- You know a projection
room is not a bad idea.
- Couldn't we
combine that, perhaps,
with the conference room?
- Well, I suppose we could.
- Let's just stay with it here.
I think we can bring this in
for under a hundred thousand.
Now, if you amortize that over a
thirty year period-
- Oh, you know,
I saw a beautiful
painting for the foyer-
Italian Renaissance
with cupids with curly hair.
- No, stop.
I can't.
I can't do it.
This whole thing
is making me sick.
I thought I could
do it but I can't.
This doesn't make any sense.
(sighs) We are a small
advertising agency.
Maybe we'll grow,
but I cannot justify
fountains and fireplaces
and paintings of
Italian cupids with curly hair.
(sighs) I am not stagnant.
I am not complacent.
I am sensible.
It is sensible to be sensible.
Barbara was right;
Barbara was right.
People need anchors.
- You really do like
being an anchor.
I just thought anybody
would jump at the chance
to do something exciting.
- Going to Venice is exciting.
You're exciting, but, Sam, this
expansion thing is not exciting.
It's like gambling
with the lunch money.
- You won't need lunch money.
We'll have a kitchen.
(laughter)
- Francine, she's talking
about something different.
- Yeah, thank you for
understanding, Sam.
We can afford a few hundred
a month more for bigger offices.
If we have to
scrape a little, fine,
but I will not pay for it
with your maneuvering
and my blood spilled
over pressed turkey.
Can you understand
that at all, Francine?
- You have your business
methods, and I have mine.
(paper ripping)
- What are you doing?
- In my overly dramatic
way, I'm suggesting
you consider cutting
your costs in half.
(laughter)
- In half?
- Okay, by quarters.
- Twenty-five thousand dollars?
What does that leave us?
- Four empty rooms
and a dead fountain.
(laughter)
- Look, we can do
a lot of the work.
I'll put that a different way.
You can do a lot of
the work yourselves.
- We can rent
furniture to start.
- Lot of the guys from the lodge
might like to come
over and help out.
- Oh, that's terrific.
- How about my Italian arch?
- No, Francine, no.
What we have here
is four large rooms-
a lot of empty space
that must be filled
with very little money.
- You know, the Japanese
utilize empty space exquisitely.
Shoji screens-
they're just paper.
Tatami mats-they're just straw.
Maybe a few golden koi
swimming in the fountain.
(laughter)
Oh, I can just see
a little humpy bridge
leading to my office.
(laughter)
Schneider, Schneider,
you can get some of those
sweet lodge brothers to gather
stones for the rock garden.
(gasps) A Japanese tea house
instead of the coffee machine.
(laughter)
(applause)
("This is It")
(Columbine Pictures theme)