One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 9, Episode 12 - Never Hire a Relative - full transcript

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

- Don't you think
you're overdoing it a bit?

- Oh, well, these
vitamins are just

to give me strength
with Francine.

She's making me crazy
about the office expansion.

- I thought you settled that.

You were gonna rent
the room next door.

- Yep, we did.

It was my idea and she hated it.

She said that I
think like a peasant.

Ha, isn't that absurd?


Well, isn't it?

- Oh, yeah, yeah. (laughter)

- Thank you, honey.

Honey, it's getting pretty late.

Aren't you going for work?

- No work. (sighs)

- But what about
the shopping center?

- I passed.
- Passed?

- Yes, I know that horrifies
your practical little soul,

but even architects have
to take some time off.

- Mm, you mean goof off.


- Sounds even better.

How'd you like to
goof off with me?

- Darling, it's very tempting,

but somebody has to
keep the world going

for you lazy bums.


- Just once I'd like to
see you break your pattern

and just do something crazy.

How would you like to hop
on a plane, go down to Mexico.

We could see the ruins.

Wanna go to New York?

We could see the ruins.


- I got permission for
Schneider to break a doorway

into that next room.

- Wouldn't you like to just
go for a whole new office?

I mean, expand, remodel.

Wouldn't you like to have a
brand new first-class office?

- Of course, darling,
who wouldn't?

But the point is- -
Okay, I'll whip up

some sketches for you.

- Oh, darling, thank you.

I appreciate that, but all
I want is a simple door.

That's what I told Francine.

Just one door-period.

Ugh, she is so spoiled.

Uh, like some coffee?

She thinks just because
she's that attractive

she can get anything she wants.

Do you think she's attractive?


- No.

- Is she sexy?

- No. (laughter)

- Think she's ugly?

- Yes. (laughter)

- You're a very good husband.


- Uh, where do
you want this, lady?

- Oh, right over
here by this window.

You know, I am so proud
to see you doing this work.

Must be exciting
for you as a woman

breaking into new frontiers,
new job opportunities.

- What I'm doing,
lady, is busting my butt.

- Yes, yes, that too.

- Morning.

- Yeah, morning.

- Hello, Anne.

- Hello, Francine.

Well, we're gonna
be a little crowded

for awhile in here, aren't we?

Oh, uh, what is my
desk doing up here?

- Oh, well I thought the new
artist should have the light.

- So I get the dark up
here next to the bathroom?


- Well, Anne, there're
only so many choices.

I would offer you my desk

but we agreed that
when the clients come in

the first thing they
should see is me.


- When did we agree on that?

- Well, we must have.

It's so logical.


- Francine, I want my
desk back where it was.

You want to help me, please?

- Oh, I don't do desks.

- Francine.

- Well, alright, but my
chiropractor isn't going to like it.

We've been dating.

He is a wonderful lover.

You can try anything.

If it doesn't work, he can
always straighten you out.


- Fascinating.

- Oh, no need to
be sarcastic, Annie.

- No, I'm not being sarcastic.

It is fascinating. (laughter)

- Why are we moving
everything anyway?

(Annie grunts)

- We? (sighs)

- It's only temporary
until we get our new suite.

- Listen to me
carefully, Francine.

We are not getting a
whole new suite of offices.

We are just getting
the one room.

A suite costs way too
much and you know that.

- You're right.

You're absolutely right.

- I am?

- It was too expensive until
I took a lunch with Teddy.


- Teddy?

- Oh, Theodore
Boswell-the landlord.

We came to an agreement.

He is going to give
us a free year's lease

on the suite next door,

and we can change
it any way we want.

- Uh huh, I'm afraid to
ask what you agreed to do.

- Anne, for goodness sake,
don't look at me like that.

It's not what I agreed to do.

It's what you're going to do.


- Me?

- Of course.

I told him you're
the talented one.

You're going to give him a
free year's advertising copy

on his new line
of pressed turkey.


- Pressed turkey?

No, Francine, I am
not going to write

a year's copy on pressed turkey.

We don't need a whole suite.

All we need is just
the one room-period.

- (sighs) Annie, you
are so exasperating.

It's like working
with my grandmother.

- I thought your
grandmother was dead.


- Well, I'm sorry, but you're
usually so young and vital.

You've never acted
your age before.


- Francine, I want
you to listen to me.

Getting a suite
free is one thing.

Remodeling it and
redecorating it is another.

It would cost a fortune.

Now, if that doesn't sink
in, perhaps your chiropractor

can put you into a
position to understand it.


- (sigh) Thinking small costs
more in the long run, Anne.

Quality may keep customers,

but it's dazzle
that brings them in.

- Mm, kind of sums up the
difference between us, doesn't it?

- The future belongs
to the dreamers, Annie.

If you want to be successful,
you have to look like it.

Besides, I'm tired of
having a poky little office

that I'm ashamed to
invite my friends to.

- Francine, your friends
aren't even awake

during business hours.


♪ Work for the union
labor - Hello, girls.

How are ya?

So, where do you
want to put the door?

- What door?

- Well, she told
me to come down,

break down a
wall, put in a door.

- [Annie] Right here,
Schneider, right here.

- Oh, Schneider, thank you
very much for coming down

but you see we are
going to do a total remodel.

- No, we're not.

- Oh, was that what Sam is
drawing up them plans for, huh?

- He went ahead on that?

- What plans?

- Ah, nevermind.

Would you cut the
hole for the door

right here?
- No, no doors.

- Where do you
want the fountain?

- Fountain?
- Oh, the fountain.

- What fountain?
- Bring it in, Moose.


- Oh, my, isn't that gorgeous?

I saw it in the
decorator's window,

and I just couldn't pass it up.

Won't it be beautiful
in our foyer?

- Francine.
- A foyer?

A fountain?

You ought to put on a red light.

Maybe you can start
another business.


- Uh, Schneider, would
you cut the hole for the door

- No, no hole.

- No fountain.

Would you take it out of here?

- No, do not
take it out of here.

- Francine.

- Well, perhaps we
should take it out of here

and just lock it in
the suite next door

until my partner gets
used to the elegance.

- My uncle, he used to-

- Schneider.
- Had his own van.

- Please.

- Oh. (laughs)

(clears throat)

My dad used to
always say you can

never tell a mover
by his coveralls.


I'll go check on
the fountain for ya.

Meanwhile, you
make up your mind.

You want a hole,
you don't want a hole.

- No, no, no, no,
Schneider, please.

Cut the hole for the door.

- Yeah, but
Francine said not to.

- Are you gonna listen
to me or Francine?


Cut the hole.

(doorbell rings)

- Hi, Francine.

- Hi, Sam.

Is Anne here?

- No, she isn't.

Isn't she at the office?

- Well, I had a late
luncheon engagement

and I thought perhaps she had-

No, that's a fib.

I knew that you were here,

and I wanted to see you alone.

I saw Schneider and he said that

you're working on some
sketches for our office.

- Yeah, I was.

Please excuse the mess.

- Oh, my goodness.

You've been having
quite a little snack.

- I was testing my willpower.

Turns out, I don't have any.


- Well, Sam, I'll tell
you why I'm here.

Normally I would never
go behind a person's back,

but our agency is just
screaming to expand.

Anne is, well,
creative and intelligent,

but just a teensy bit stubborn.

- A teensy bit.


- Sam, I know that Anne
wants to expand the agency

just as much as I do, but
she simply won't let herself go.

Now, we are doing very
well, and we need to expand.

I mean, it's necessary.

It's, well, it's like a
person eating all of his food

and not buying a larger belt.


Sam, don't take that personally.

You have a very nice tummy.

It denotes success.


(sighs) So, let's face it.

It is up to you and me-

the two people who
absolutely love her the most-

to inspire her, to set
her free so she can fly.

Sam, if I could just
show her some plans

by a top flight architect, a
poet in concrete and steel.

- Francine, why are you here?

- I want to be rich.

- Makes sense.

Anne is gonna love this.

Come here.

Look at this, Francine.

If we put the reception
area right in the middle,

- Yes.

- That gives us two wings.

- Uh huh.
- One for you, one for Anne.

Now we give you the old office.

- The old office? (laughter)

- They'll be the same.

- Of course.
- Yeah.

- But we are still
using my concept

about the Italian archways?

- Oh, yes.

It's hard to forget that one.


- Oh, now where are the
sketches of the conference room?

- You were looking at
them on the window seat.

- Oh, thank you.

- Oh, hi, my darling.

Tell you, what a day!

I am crazed.

You know what I would like?

I would like you to
pick me up in your arms,

carry me to the bedroom, and
make passionate love to me.


- See you later, Francine.


- Hi.
- Hi.

- What are you doing here?

- Annie, Annie, wait
until you see the plans

that we've drawn
up for the suite.

- Yeah, I think
you're gonna like 'em.

- They're just
preliminary sketches.

Annie, I know that you do
have a modicum of reluctance

about this whole thing
but why don't you just

absorb these ideas
and sleep on it?

Then we'll talk about
it in the morning.

(laughs) Bye.

- Sam.
- Okay, no, no, no.

- Sam.
- Come on.

Wait a second.

I just got an inspiration.



- Oh, good, I'm
glad you're here.

Annie, look, I think this
coyote beige wallpaper

will just be wonderful for
the overall color scheme

of the new suite.

Of course, I haven't
checked with you.

- Me?

Shouldn't you
check with Sam first?

- Oh, I suppose I should.

Is he home?

- Francine.

You got to my home,
behind my back,

talk my husband into wasting
his time and our money

on your grandiose scheme.

- Annie, I know what
you're talking about.

I really do.
- Good.

- You have reached a nice,
comfortable position in life-

no hunger, a successful
business, a husband-

but there's no reason
for my life to stop

while you stagnate.

- I'm stagnant?

- [Schneider] I thought
you was on the pill!



- Schneider, is that you?

- [Schneider] Oh, a
couple of days, I think.

(laughter) (hammering)

- Is he putting a
door in this wall?

- Yes, one door.

- No door.

- Look.
- Hi.

- Hi, what are you doing here?

- I came for my goodbye kiss.

Seems you forgot it.

- Oh, dear, have I caused
another domestic squabble?

It seems to be my karma.


Well, I'll let the two
of you talk it out.

(hammering) Will
you knock it off?

No door.

- [Schneider] Oh, I'm okay.

(laughter) (hammering)

- You want to go out
and get some coffee?

- Got coffee right here.

- Well, I thought if we
went out we could talk.

- Sam, I really don't want to
look at those plans anymore.



- [Schneider] Huh?

- Just stop it!

- [Schneider] Oh, I'd
say a couple of days.

(laughter) (hammering)

- Just not so loud.

(light hammering)


- I just want you
to look at one thing.

You know how
you're always saying

that you waste so much
time going out to eat?

Well, I've added a kitchen.

- Kitchen?

Hey, how 'bout a sauna?

- Could probably go over here.

- Oh, Sam. (laughter)

- Look, I'm not trying to
push any of this off on you.

I like what I've done here.

From an architect's
point of view,

I think it's pretty good,

but if you don't like it, fine.

We'll just forget it.

- Okay, Sam, okay. (hammering)

Because I don't-(laughter)

- This, uh, this where
you want the hole?


- Looks as those we
don't have much choice.


- Snappy outfit, Roy.

Can I place a benefit?


- Schneider, would
you mind if my wife and I

continued a private

- Not at all.

You two are married.



- Sam, am I stagnating?

Francine says that I am.

- Well, it's a bad
choice of words.

Complacent would be better.

- Complacent.

- And afraid to risk
losing what you have.

- Yeah, well, does
that bother you?

- No.

- It bothers you.

- [Schneider] What the-?

Get down!


- Schneider.
- Ms. Romano?

- Yeah, what?

- Francine saw my hammer.

(laughter) It's over-out.

- Keep those bulletins
coming, Schneider.


Look, alright, it
does bother me.

It just seems to me like
it would be a good idea

for you to take this risk now,

but this is coming
from a man who wanted

to buy a hotel full of
lizards in the South Seas.


- And I couldn't wait
to get out of there.

- Yes, I remember,
and I understand.

We're different.

If I'd bought the hotel, I
probably would've gone broke.

What a great place to go broke.

(Schneider laughs)


(Schneider laughs)

- [Schneider] Guess what?

- [Annie] What?

- I had an extra hammer.

(Schneider laughs)
(audience laughter)

- I can't stay too long, Mom.

Mark is expecting me.

- I know, darling, that's okay.

I just needed to talk to you.

You're level-headed.

You're down-to-earth, and I
really respect your opinion.

- Thank you.

What is it?

- [Annie] It's Sam and Francine.

- Sam and Francine?


- Oh, no, not that kind of

Sam and Francine. (laughter)

They're going crazy
about remodeling

and expanding the office.

I mean, if they had their
way, we'd have a cross

between the lobby
of the Roxy Theater

and the Baths of Caracalla.

- Baths of Caracalla?

- They're trying to
make the Taj Mahal

out of a sow's ear, and I am
stuck with the pressed turkey.

- Pressed turkey?

- Barbara, would you
pay attention please?

Look, all we need is
one room and a door.

- Right.

- And I need a sane
person's opinion on this.

- About the door?

- Pay attention,
Barbara-about me.

- Ah, about you.

- Right.

- What about you?


- Alright, um, am I
afraid to take a chance?

Have I grown too complacent?

- You, mom?


No. (laughs)

You're a very vital woman.

- Thank you.

I don't think Sam thinks I am.

- Oh, come on,
of course he does.

Look, I think you're
right about this thing.

I mean, what if your company
went on with this expansion

and then went broke?

Somebody has to be
reasonable about it.

Mark says you can't go
to the moon on a butterfly.

- Mark says that?

- Mm hmm.

He's really got a good
head on his shoulders.

He's not like Sam.

(laughter) I mean, not-

You know, I love
Sam and everything,

but he is a little impractical.

That's why he needs you, Mom.

He needs an anchor.

- Uh huh.
- Mm hmm.

- Oh, darling, if you
have to go, please.

- Well, it's just
that we were gonna

go look for home computers.

- Really?

Aren't they very expensive?

- Yeah, but in the long run
it'll end up paying for itself.

All you have to do
with a computer is

program in your budget,
then press one button,

and you know where you
stand today, tomorrow, next year.

No surprises, right?

- Right, no surprises.

- Besides, we're saving
for a trip to Europe.

- That's wonderful.


- In four years.


Maybe sooner if we cut our
movies down to once a month

and don't eat out so often.

Oh, thank God I
met a man like Mark.

He's not a magic carpet
salesman like his father. (laughs)

That's why Sam needs you.

You're solid.

You're more like we are.

I'll see you later.

Hi, Sam.

Bye, Sam.

- What's your hurry?

- Oh, we're gonna go
look for home computers.

- Oh, sounds like Mark.

- (laughs) Bye.

- Bye, thank you.

- I've been thinking
about the office,

and we can
eliminate the kitchen.

- Don't eliminate anything.

I want to go to the
moon on a butterfly.


- Bust a hole in the wall.

Don't bust a hole in the wall.

Make a door.

Don't make a door.

Like I was gonna retire on
the profits from this one job.


- I just can't believe this.

How did Sam change your mind?

Ah, yes. (laughs)

- "Ah, yes" had
nothing to do with it.

We were up half the night
talking about the plans.

- By then I had a headache.


- Ladies and gentlemen, I
have an announcement to make.

I am now about to plaster
over this hole, alright?

But, if there are
any more changes,

I'm gonna call a work
stoppage and I'm going on strike.

- It's alright, Schneider.
- Just, you know, fix it.

- Just put the
plaster on the wall.

- [Schneider] You're
scared of a strike, huh?

(Schneider laughs)

- Okay, this is the main hall.

- Oh, oh, where is my fountain?


- It'll be there.

We just haven't figured
out where to put it.

- How 'bout the bathroom?


We could hang towels on it.


- This is the conversation room.

It's where you converse,

and the presentation
room where you present.


This is the foyer where you foy.


- Oh, oh, look, a
fireplace in my office.

Oh, Annie, that's
nice you get one too.

(laughter) What a
wonderful idea, Sam.

- It's not gonna be cheap.

We've got run chimney
flues up through the roof.

- I don't care.

I don't even want
to know about it.

How much?


- Three, four thousand.

- Oh, is that all?
- Per flue?


- Oh, you know what
I think we should do?

I think we should turn
one of the spare offices

into a projection room.

You know, with blackout
curtains and we can get the

couches that are- - We used to

have a room like that down
at the lodge, you know?

Yeah, mostly we showed, you
know, home movies. (laughs)

The word got out,
and we got raided.


- You know a projection
room is not a bad idea.

- Couldn't we
combine that, perhaps,

with the conference room?

- Well, I suppose we could.

- Let's just stay with it here.

I think we can bring this in
for under a hundred thousand.

Now, if you amortize that over a

thirty year period-
- Oh, you know,

I saw a beautiful
painting for the foyer-

Italian Renaissance
with cupids with curly hair.

- No, stop.

I can't.

I can't do it.

This whole thing
is making me sick.

I thought I could
do it but I can't.

This doesn't make any sense.

(sighs) We are a small
advertising agency.

Maybe we'll grow,
but I cannot justify

fountains and fireplaces
and paintings of

Italian cupids with curly hair.

(sighs) I am not stagnant.

I am not complacent.

I am sensible.

It is sensible to be sensible.

Barbara was right;
Barbara was right.

People need anchors.

- You really do like
being an anchor.

I just thought anybody
would jump at the chance

to do something exciting.

- Going to Venice is exciting.

You're exciting, but, Sam, this

expansion thing is not exciting.

It's like gambling
with the lunch money.

- You won't need lunch money.

We'll have a kitchen.


- Francine, she's talking
about something different.

- Yeah, thank you for
understanding, Sam.

We can afford a few hundred
a month more for bigger offices.

If we have to
scrape a little, fine,

but I will not pay for it
with your maneuvering

and my blood spilled
over pressed turkey.

Can you understand
that at all, Francine?

- You have your business
methods, and I have mine.

(paper ripping)

- What are you doing?

- In my overly dramatic
way, I'm suggesting

you consider cutting
your costs in half.

- In half?

- Okay, by quarters.

- Twenty-five thousand dollars?

What does that leave us?

- Four empty rooms
and a dead fountain.


- Look, we can do
a lot of the work.

I'll put that a different way.

You can do a lot of
the work yourselves.

- We can rent
furniture to start.

- Lot of the guys from the lodge

might like to come
over and help out.

- Oh, that's terrific.

- How about my Italian arch?

- No, Francine, no.

What we have here
is four large rooms-

a lot of empty space
that must be filled

with very little money.

- You know, the Japanese
utilize empty space exquisitely.

Shoji screens-
they're just paper.

Tatami mats-they're just straw.

Maybe a few golden koi
swimming in the fountain.


Oh, I can just see
a little humpy bridge

leading to my office.


Schneider, Schneider,
you can get some of those

sweet lodge brothers to gather
stones for the rock garden.

(gasps) A Japanese tea house
instead of the coffee machine.



("This is It")

(Columbine Pictures theme)