One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 8, Episode 9 - Miracle of Birth: Part 2 - full transcript
Julie is determined to go to California to have an underwater birth, but the baby has other ideas and is born in Ann's apartment.
("This Is It" by Jeff
and Nancy Barry)
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ Well this is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doin' what you do
♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playin'
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ You just take it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, la da da dum
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day a time, la da da dum
♪ One day at a time
- [Announcer] Here are some
scenes from last week's show.
- How'd you guys take the news?
- What news?
- About the birth.
- Well, I don't know what
you're talking about, Max.
We know you and Julie
are planning on
having a natural birth.
- Oh good, a lot of
people would object
to a baby being
born under water.
(audience laughs)
- Julie, this whole idea
absolutely terrifies me.
It's so new, it's not
thoroughly tested,
no medical doctor, no hospital.
- Oh, I'm gonna
name the baby Felicity.
(audience laughs)
- Felicity.
Good, okay, uh, Julie.
- And if it's a boy, I
was thinking of Mulwork.
(audience laughs)
Hello, everybody.
- Hi honey, you
have a nice rest?
- Yeah.
- Good, I explained
it to everyone.
- Oh great.
- Okay.
- All I ask is that we
clear the family quietly.
We discuss, we do not shout.
- Your mother blames
you for everything
and treats Miss
Goody Two Shoes...
- Goody Two Shoes?
- Miss Goody Two Shoes like
she's got dimples on her butt!
- How does he know that?
- Why do you always...
(group chatters chaotically)
- I don't have
dimples on my butt!
- How dare you talk
to my family like that?
(audience laughs)
- [Narrator] And now
for the conclusion
of The Miracle of Birth.
(dishes clatter)
- Anybody that's not
gonna finish their dessert,
you just pass it down here.
(audience laughs)
- That is the last time
I will ever make my new
guava pudding for this family.
Here, have mine, too.
- You know, I'm glad
we're all together.
I'm glad we had a
wonderful family dinner,
and I'm glad we had the fight.
- Yeah, I guess it
really did clear the air.
- Oh sure, I don't hate
anybody here anymore.
(audience laughs)
- Well, my baby's a lot
happier, and that's what counts.
- You know, Julie, why don't
you and I and Mom and Grandma
just adjourn to the living
room while the boys clean up.
- No! (women cheer)
- [Max] Ladies,
ladies! (taps silverware)
- We're never gonna
get away with this.
- All right.
- Come on, everybody.
(group laughs and chatters)
- Talk about a bit baby.
- Absolutely not!
- Well Mother, are
you more relaxed now
about me having my
baby under water?
- Essentially, no.
- All right, Mother,
I can accept that.
- It's a good thing
you didn't tell her
about having the
baby on television.
(audience laughs)
- Oh my god.
- Now Shorty, we
talked about it, and...
- You're gonna have
the baby on television?
- That's incredible!
(audience laughs)
- Max Horvath, I will
never speak to you again
if you let my granddaughter
moon 35 million people
on television.
- Hold it, hold it,
if you just listen.
- What?
- We're not gonna do it.
- Actually, Max
reasoned with me.
He said, have my baby
on TV, and I'll kill you!
- You know, Mom?
- What, honey?
- Age doesn't turn you gray.
Kids do.
- (chuckles) Tell me.
- Mom, I'm really scared.
- Annie.
- I'm trying to be
wonderful about all this,
but I just can't.
Why can't Julie have her baby
like seven trillion
other people?
- Oh honey, now stop worrying.
We have nine days
before the baby's due.
I broke you of sucking
your toe in less than that.
(audience laughs)
- Okay, Mom.
I'll give it the
old college try.
Uh, fellas, why don't
you take a walk?
- Oh, a little girl talk time?
- Yeah, right.
- I could use the exercise.
You sure you'll be okay, hun?
- Oh sure.
- All right.
See ya later.
- Come on guys, let's take
a stroll and have a cigar
and leave the
ladies in the kitchen
to do the dishes and
talk about waxy buildup.
- That's really
funny, Schneider.
- Yeah, I'm on a roll.
(audience laughs)
- Now this is some occasion.
My baby's baby is having a baby.
- Under water.
- Six seconds, you really
restrained yourself, Mom.
- Julie, I have to say, I agree
with Mom about this thing.
- Of course, Barbara, you
always agree with Mom.
- Well that
certainly isn't true,
and it's also not fair!
- Oh!
- Is it the pudding?
- Is it the baby?
- Does it still hurt?
- No.
No, it's gone.
Anyway, it wasn't in front,
it was right here
across my back.
- That's it, here we go!
- Now not necessarily, Mom.
- Don't tell me not necessarily.
I had my first pain
right across the back,
and then I had two
million pains in the front,
and then some idiot
nurse yelled push it,
and it old her to stick it.
(audience laughs)
And then I had the baby,
so what do you know?
- Mom, I was the baby.
- Well then you oughta remember!
(audience laughs)
- Sweetie, are you okay?
You wanna lie down?
- Maybe we oughta call a doctor.
- No, no, no, I'm fine, honest.
- Oh, I know,
you're just tryin' to get
out of doing the dishes.
- Well, I'm going
to call Dr. Tishman
and tell him about he back spasm
or whatever it was,
just in case, you know,
just to keep him informed.
Hello, Dr. Tishman, please.
This is Ann Romano.
Right, I'll hold.
- You know, if this
is really the baby,
I've got to get to California.
- Julie, there's not time.
- Honey if you are
going to have a baby,
no airline'll take you.
- Oh. (gasps)
How about Air Express?
They guarantee delivery.
(audience laughs)
- Ah look, yes, hi,
I'm waiting to talk to,
oh, hello Dr. Tishman,
hi, um, Ann Romano.
I'm calling about Julie.
She had what might
have been a labor pain,
then of course, it
might not have been,
but I just thought you
ought to know, just,
in the back.
Yeah, it was just
about here, oh.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, okay, all right, doctor.
Okay, thank you very much.
All right.
He said to just wait
and let him know
when the next one shows up.
- Sure, wait.
Just once, I would like to
see a man get pregnant.
(audience laughs)
- You know, the
foundation has a water tank
all reserved for
me and everything.
I've gotta get to California.
(doorbell rings)
- Mom.
- [Ann] If that
was a labor pain,
you cannot go to California.
- [Julie] It's not fair.
- Hi Francine, come on in.
Mom, it's Francine.
- Barbara.
Hello Annie, Catherine, Julie,
oh how nice to see you.
Julie, my goodness, look at you.
You're getting to look more
like your mother every day.
(audience laughs)
- What do you want, Francine?
- Oh, I just thought I
would bring these proofs by.
I'm not going to be in too
early tomorrow morning,
I have this absolutely
fabulous date tonight.
- Oh, who with?
- I think it's Oscar.
(audience laughs)
Oh, well am I
interrupting something?
You all look so miserable.
- Oh nobody's miserable,
I think Julie's gonna
have her baby.
- The baby?
- Baby.
Yes, baby.
Little short people.
(audience laughs)
You do know where babies
come from, don't you Francine?
- Previous marriages.
(audience laughs)
Well, if there's anything
I can do, call my service.
- [Ann] Bye Francine.
- Goodbye.
Oh uh, Julie, what hospital
are you going to be in?
- Well, I'm supposed to
be on my way to a clinic
in California.
- To have her baby under water.
- Oh?
Under water?
- Yes, it's a new thing.
- How wonderful for us.
- Us?
- Romano and Webster.
It's a chance to get
another major account.
It's a natural tie-in.
This baby will be
born under water.
And not just under
water, but under Perrier.
(audience laughs)
- Uh, bye Francine.
- Ann, this could mean
thousands to the baby.
- Thousands?
- Francine. (clicks tongue)
- Well, goodbye all.
Good luck, dear.
- We had a girl
like her in school.
We drowned her.
(audience laughs)
- Grandma, you didn't!
- Oh well we tried to, but
three boys and two teachers
and the vice principal
jumped in to save her.
Took her 30 years, but she
married every one of 'em.
(audience laughs)
- Hi.
- [Ann] Hi.
- Guess who we
just saw in the hall?
- Francine.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hm.
- Can God get you for
stuff you just think about?
(audience laughs)
- I hope not.
- Thanks, sweetheart.
- Uh Max, honey, we
gotta get to California.
- We will.
- No, I mean now.
I just had my first labor pain.
- Are you sure?
- Of course I'm sure.
- All right, that's
it, general quarters,
everybody man
their baby stations.
- What do we do?
- Alex, you go boil some water.
Max, you hold her hand.
Mark, you rip some sheets up,
Barbara, you go in there
and sterilize the bedroom
with vinegar or booze,
anything that'll kill bugs.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider, there's still time.
- I've gotta get to California!
- Will you just drop it?
- But not here.
(audience laughs)
- Julie, we can't go to
California now, you know that.
- I know, but Max,
what about our plans
about having the
baby under water?
- It'll be all right.
- No it won't!
- Honey come on,
maybe it's for the best.
- Not it isn't!
(Julie gasps and winces)
Max, I think
something's happening.
- All right, that's
it, general quarters,
everybody man
your baby stations!
We gotta get the...
- Shut up, Schneider.
I'm gonna call Dr. Tishman.
- No, Mom.
There's no need for that,
I'm just gonna
have the baby here.
- Here, in the house?
- Yes, in the bathtub.
(audience applauds)
- In the bathtub?
- You shouldn't even be trying
to get into a bathtub this late.
(audience laughs)
- Let alone spawn in it.
(audience laughs)
- Mother, there are
documented cases
of women having
underwater births in bathtubs.
- And there are documented cases
of women giving birth
in the hospital, too.
- Julie, can we talk
about this before you...
- Max, I've made up my mind.
- Just a second...
- Mark, you try and
talk some sense into her.
You've had medical training.
You're gonna be a dentist.
- Basically I work
the other end.
(audience laughs)
- Julie, Julie, just...
- Oh Grandma, I am
so glad you understand.
- [Max] (sighs)
Julie, just a second...
- Would somebody please
say something helpful?
- Something helpful.
(audience laughs)
- Thanks.
I'm gonna call
Dr. Tishman again.
- She's not really going
through with this, is she?
- You don't know Julie.
- Oh I just pray that
the bathtub is clean.
- Oh, it's clean.
I just took a bath.
- I'm gonna get some industrial
strength cleansing powder.
- I think you've
just been insulted.
- Uh, Dr. Tishman, please.
Okay, this is Ann Romano.
Will you just tell him that
it concerns Julie Cooper?
Yes.
Thank you.
Bye bye.
(Ann sighs)
- Julie, can we talk
about this, please?
- Max, please, just figure
out how many gallons of water
this thing holds so I can
tell how much salt to add
and give me a
thermometer for the water,
and help me up.
- Sit over here, it's
easier on your back.
(door knocks)
yeah?
- Julie?
Julie honey how are you doing?
Any more pains?
- No, not yet, Grandma.
- Oh good.
I can sterilize the tub.
Oh boy, I just hope that
Alex wasn't playing with frogs.
(audience laughs)
- Grandma, do you mind?
- Warts, yuck!
- Julie, I have to
say something, look.
I know I'm your little sister,
and everything I say
is straight, square,
and nauseatingly sensible,
but if you want my
advice, please don't...
- I don't, not now.
- Barbara, honey,
would you please just
let us handle this, okay?
- Grandma!
- Excuse me, could
I handle this please?
I am the husband, and would
you stop the damn scrubbing?
- Okay, you scrub.
I'm going to inspect it.
- Can I ask something, please?
- Alex, I wanna talk
to her, and I was first.
- Wrong, I was first.
Everybody out.
Come on, let's go.
(door knocks) Hey!
- I'm sorry, Max, forgive me.
I'm really, excuse me.
Look, sweetheart,
I haven't been able
to talk to Dr. Tishman,
but I talked to a Dr. Budrow,
and he recommends that
you forge this nonsense,
I'm sorry, I'm not.
Nonsense, uh, he thinks
that you should reconsider
going to the hospital where
they have technical personnel
and monitoring equipment.
- Of course he'd say that,
so he can pay for his
condos and go golfing.
- I have to ask a question.
- Alex, I wanna talk to her!
- Everybody!
Please, please just
leave us alone, okay?
- Thank you.
- Okay, everybody out.
Out.
Max, it's up to you.
- Phew.
- Max, everything
is going wrong.
All of our plans
are going wrong.
- Julie, I believe in
everything we planned,
but not here, not like this.
- Max, I've been through
all the instructions,
I've done all the
exercises, I'm ready.
- I'm sorry, not
without somebody here
who's trained in the method.
- You're trained,
you could do it.
- Julie, I was trained for
a big tank in California,
not a tub in Indianapolis.
And I'm not gonna
risk you on what I know.
- Yeah.
(door knocks)
- What?
- [Alex] It's Alex.
- Alex, please, okay?
- [Alex] Okay.
- The whole idea
was to bring our baby
into a world of warmth
and gentleness and peace.
- And love.
- Oh Max, especially love.
I don't wanna give that up.
- You know, you're
a very sweet person.
- Thank you.
- You're gonna make our
baby a damn good mother.
- I love you.
- Aw.
I love you, too.
And I don't think we're gonna
have to give up anything.
Maybe somebody up there
is pushing us in a
better direction, hm?
Think about it, where are we?
- In the john.
(audience laughs)
- (laughs) That's
true, we're in the john.
No, Julie, what I mean is,
we're right in the
middle of all the people
who will love our baby the most.
We have the peace and
the love and the warmth.
Do we need the water?
- Why doesn't he call back?
- I don't know, we
have got to get a doctor.
- (fingers snap) Mrs.
Dokes, down at 233.
She watches General
Hospital every day.
(audience laughs)
- Let's just keep that
in reserve, shall we?
(phone rings)
- Oh, hello?
Oh finally Dr. Tishman, hi.
About Julie, yes right,
the underwater birth.
Look, she insists on having
the baby here in the bathtub,
so could you come over?
It's real.
You, uh, yeah I hear
what you're saying, but.
He doesn't wanna come over.
- I don't blame him.
I'm worried about malpractice,
and I don't even
have a practice yet.
(audience laughs)
- Listen to me, we really
need you very badly.
You've been our
doctor for years,
you've delivered
both of my children,
you were Julie's doctor before...
- Mom.
- Oh, finally!
(audience laughs and applauds)
- What, what?
- Excuse me, excuse me.
We've decided to not
have the baby in the tub.
- Oh, thank god!
Oh, Dr. Tishman, listen to me.
They decided not to
have the baby in the tub.
Yes, isn't that wonderful?
Uh what?
Okay, okay.
Oh yes, all right,
fine, thank you.
All right, he said to start
timing your contractions
and to alert him, and he'll
meet us at the hospital.
- Hospital?
- Yes darling.
- With bright lights and
chrome and strangers?
- Yes, well...
- No way, Mom, forget it.
I want him to come here.
I wanna have my
baby in your bedroom
with my family all around me.
Oh!
Oh, Max!
- Max!
- Okay, all right.
- All right, your
contraction begins.
Take a cleansing breath, relax.
(Julie sighs)
How you doin' hun?
- Just fine.
Don't let go of my hand.
- I won't.
Ever.
- (giggles) Thank
you for the soft lights
and peaceful colors.
Everything is so
calm and gentle now.
(audience laughs)
- Okay, Alex.
Plug it in.
- Okay.
- That soft enough for ya?
- Oh, that's lovely.
Thank you, dear Schneider.
(Schneider chuckles)
- Schneider, where in the
world did you get those lanterns?
- Down at the lodge.
We had a samurai
night and beer bust.
(audience laughs)
- I don't care if
pastels are soothing,
I feel dumb in this sheet.
(audience laughs)
- Anything to keep her
out of the bathtub, okay?
- Hi.
Dr. Tishman, he should
be here any minute.
- How do you like the lanterns?
- It's really very
nice, Schneider.
I smell beer.
(audience laughs)
- Well, when the
Geisha girls arrived,
things got out of hand.
(audience laughs)
- Oh!
- Oh Julie, take it
easy, we're here.
- And I'm glad you
are, my beloved family.
- All right, contraction begins,
take a cleansing breath.
(all inhale and exhale)
Relax, focus.
- Okay, that's seven minutes
since the last contraction.
- Okay, thanks.
- Why doesn't the
doctor get here?
- Can I make some popcorn?
(audience laughs)
- Alex darling, why don't
you call the doctor again, huh?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Julie.
I love you.
- Oh, I love you too, Alex.
- Now that's really terrific.
I mean usually a guy can't
come right out and say I love you
unless he doesn't mean it.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider, if you
feel it, it's okay to say it.
- Well, I can't.
Oh I will, I will.
Julie, uh, you know
you've always uh.
I mean, you've always been,
and Barbara, the same
with you, you know?
I mean the both of you.
And Catherine, Ms.
Romano, I mean, I feel that uh,
well that's just the
way I feel, I mean.
(audience laughs)
Max and Mark and
Alex, you guys, too.
- Thank you, Schneider.
- That was beautiful.
- I didn't think I was gonna
be able to say it. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Julie, I wanna say something.
Do you remember when I was 11,
and I held a my
favorite sister contest?
- You've only got one sister.
- Yeah, and I came in third.
(audience laughs)
- I just wanna say, you
moved up a couple notches.
- Doctor service
said he's on his way.
- Oh, terrific.
- I'll wait in the
lobby for him.
- Thank you, Alex.
- Mark, did you get
the ocean sounds?
- Oh, no.
I couldn't find those.
But I found something else
I think will be just as restful.
(loon warbles)
Loon calls.
- Speaking of loons, dear.
(audience laughs)
- You know what I
really used to love?
- You all right?
- Yeah.
When we used to go
camping, and we would all
kind of sit around the
campfire and sing songs.
Do you guys remember
any of those songs?
- Oh sure.
- Julie, darling.
You know, I remember
when you were a little girl.
That was when your
parents used to include me
in their trips.
(audience laughs)
And we used to tuck you
into your little sleeping bag
under the stars.
You always asked
me to sing you to sleep.
♪ John Jacob
Jingleheimer Schmidt
♪ That's my name too
♪ Whenever I go out
♪ The people always shout
♪ John Jacob
Jingleheimer Schmidt
♪ Da la la la la la
♪ John Jacob
Jingleheimer Schmidt
- He's here!
The doctor's here!
(group chatters excitedly)
- Dr. Tishman, hi.
- Hello, Ann.
How are you?
- Oh, it's good to see you.
(audience laughs)
- It was Julie's idea.
- I see.
How are you, Julie?
- Hi Dr. Tishman, I'm Max
Horvath, Julie's husband.
- Well, very good to meet you.
- Thanks for coming.
- How are you feeling?
- Well, (chuckles) fine.
I just had another contraction.
- Yeah, they're coming around
seven minutes apart now.
- Well, that gives
us plenty of time.
Julie, I really wanna
get you to the hospital.
- Hospital?
- Yes.
- Doctor, I want
my baby born here
with my family and friends.
I don't want Felicity
or little Mulwork
to be born in some
cold, plastic room
with bright lights
and strangers.
- It means a lot to us, doctor.
- Well, it's true, a lot of
hospitals are cold and plastic,
but there are others that
have alternate birth centers
with rooms just like
this, except no lanterns.
They even have double beds
and you can have
the baby right there
with anybody in
the room with you.
- Really?
- Doctor.
- Yes.
- I'm afraid Julie
gets very obstinate
about things like
this, so... (Julie gasps)
Oh Julie, all right.
- Oh, okay.
Okay, baby, you're
gonna be fine.
- Beloved Mother.
- Yes, darling.
- Get me to the
beloved hospital.
Okay, okay.
- Now swing your feet over.
- Oh Julie.
Such a beautiful baby.
It's such a beautiful
experience.
I am never gonna forget this.
- Oh honey, thank you
for letting us be here.
- Anytime.
(group laughs)
- [Mark] Dwayne,
Dwayne, come on bud.
- [Alex] Schneider.
- Come on buddy, come on.
(audience laughs)
Come on.
- Here you go.
- Come on, come on.
- Oh boy.
- Oh, what happened?
I mean, when is the
baby gonna be born?
- It already was.
- I missed it!
- You fainted.
- Did not faint at all!
Must be an ether
leak in this room.
(audience laughs)
- Right.
- What was it, a boy or a girl?
- Oh Schneider, you know,
I thought I was too old
fashioned for something like this,
but I wouldn't miss this
for anything in the world.
- Is it a boy or a girl?
- Everything went perfectly.
(audience laughs)
Beautiful, healthy grandchild.
- Molwark or Felicity?
(audience laughs)
- Neither.
- No, that's impossible.
Unisex?
(audience laughs)
- Oh no, Schneider.
It is a beautiful seven
pound, four ounce baby girl.
- And they named her Ann.
- Ann?
Ann!
(audience laughs)
- What else could they name her?
The first the thing she did
was screech and bellow?
(group laughs)
- How you feelin', baby?
- Oh, Max, let's
have another one.
- Easy for you to say, you
got to lie down the whole time.
- Should we, uh, leave
them alone for a while?
- Yeah.
- Oh, sure.
- Oh, thank you.
- I didn't actually faint.
- Oh, Max.
You know what the
second best part was?
- Hm?
- Having you here.
Well, my whole family,
but especially you.
- Hey, here's the best part.
(audience coos)
Hi baby, I'm Daddy. (giggles)
Did you get all washed
up and weighed in?
Here's your beautiful Mommy.
- Oh, Max.
Max, she's just beautiful.
- Oh, you know Julie,
every baby I've ever seen
look exactly alike, but not her.
She is gorgeous.
- Oh, you know,
except for our baby
not being born under water,
everything went
just beautifully.
- Hey, for your
information, Mommy,
it's been raining for about
an hour, can you believe it?
- Oh, thank you.
- And thank you for Annie.
She is beautiful,
and she is a miracle.
(audience coos and applauds)
("This Is It" by Jeff
and Nancy Berry)
and Nancy Barry)
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ Well this is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doin' what you do
♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playin'
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ You just take it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, la da da dum
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day a time, la da da dum
♪ One day at a time
- [Announcer] Here are some
scenes from last week's show.
- How'd you guys take the news?
- What news?
- About the birth.
- Well, I don't know what
you're talking about, Max.
We know you and Julie
are planning on
having a natural birth.
- Oh good, a lot of
people would object
to a baby being
born under water.
(audience laughs)
- Julie, this whole idea
absolutely terrifies me.
It's so new, it's not
thoroughly tested,
no medical doctor, no hospital.
- Oh, I'm gonna
name the baby Felicity.
(audience laughs)
- Felicity.
Good, okay, uh, Julie.
- And if it's a boy, I
was thinking of Mulwork.
(audience laughs)
Hello, everybody.
- Hi honey, you
have a nice rest?
- Yeah.
- Good, I explained
it to everyone.
- Oh great.
- Okay.
- All I ask is that we
clear the family quietly.
We discuss, we do not shout.
- Your mother blames
you for everything
and treats Miss
Goody Two Shoes...
- Goody Two Shoes?
- Miss Goody Two Shoes like
she's got dimples on her butt!
- How does he know that?
- Why do you always...
(group chatters chaotically)
- I don't have
dimples on my butt!
- How dare you talk
to my family like that?
(audience laughs)
- [Narrator] And now
for the conclusion
of The Miracle of Birth.
(dishes clatter)
- Anybody that's not
gonna finish their dessert,
you just pass it down here.
(audience laughs)
- That is the last time
I will ever make my new
guava pudding for this family.
Here, have mine, too.
- You know, I'm glad
we're all together.
I'm glad we had a
wonderful family dinner,
and I'm glad we had the fight.
- Yeah, I guess it
really did clear the air.
- Oh sure, I don't hate
anybody here anymore.
(audience laughs)
- Well, my baby's a lot
happier, and that's what counts.
- You know, Julie, why don't
you and I and Mom and Grandma
just adjourn to the living
room while the boys clean up.
- No! (women cheer)
- [Max] Ladies,
ladies! (taps silverware)
- We're never gonna
get away with this.
- All right.
- Come on, everybody.
(group laughs and chatters)
- Talk about a bit baby.
- Absolutely not!
- Well Mother, are
you more relaxed now
about me having my
baby under water?
- Essentially, no.
- All right, Mother,
I can accept that.
- It's a good thing
you didn't tell her
about having the
baby on television.
(audience laughs)
- Oh my god.
- Now Shorty, we
talked about it, and...
- You're gonna have
the baby on television?
- That's incredible!
(audience laughs)
- Max Horvath, I will
never speak to you again
if you let my granddaughter
moon 35 million people
on television.
- Hold it, hold it,
if you just listen.
- What?
- We're not gonna do it.
- Actually, Max
reasoned with me.
He said, have my baby
on TV, and I'll kill you!
- You know, Mom?
- What, honey?
- Age doesn't turn you gray.
Kids do.
- (chuckles) Tell me.
- Mom, I'm really scared.
- Annie.
- I'm trying to be
wonderful about all this,
but I just can't.
Why can't Julie have her baby
like seven trillion
other people?
- Oh honey, now stop worrying.
We have nine days
before the baby's due.
I broke you of sucking
your toe in less than that.
(audience laughs)
- Okay, Mom.
I'll give it the
old college try.
Uh, fellas, why don't
you take a walk?
- Oh, a little girl talk time?
- Yeah, right.
- I could use the exercise.
You sure you'll be okay, hun?
- Oh sure.
- All right.
See ya later.
- Come on guys, let's take
a stroll and have a cigar
and leave the
ladies in the kitchen
to do the dishes and
talk about waxy buildup.
- That's really
funny, Schneider.
- Yeah, I'm on a roll.
(audience laughs)
- Now this is some occasion.
My baby's baby is having a baby.
- Under water.
- Six seconds, you really
restrained yourself, Mom.
- Julie, I have to say, I agree
with Mom about this thing.
- Of course, Barbara, you
always agree with Mom.
- Well that
certainly isn't true,
and it's also not fair!
- Oh!
- Is it the pudding?
- Is it the baby?
- Does it still hurt?
- No.
No, it's gone.
Anyway, it wasn't in front,
it was right here
across my back.
- That's it, here we go!
- Now not necessarily, Mom.
- Don't tell me not necessarily.
I had my first pain
right across the back,
and then I had two
million pains in the front,
and then some idiot
nurse yelled push it,
and it old her to stick it.
(audience laughs)
And then I had the baby,
so what do you know?
- Mom, I was the baby.
- Well then you oughta remember!
(audience laughs)
- Sweetie, are you okay?
You wanna lie down?
- Maybe we oughta call a doctor.
- No, no, no, I'm fine, honest.
- Oh, I know,
you're just tryin' to get
out of doing the dishes.
- Well, I'm going
to call Dr. Tishman
and tell him about he back spasm
or whatever it was,
just in case, you know,
just to keep him informed.
Hello, Dr. Tishman, please.
This is Ann Romano.
Right, I'll hold.
- You know, if this
is really the baby,
I've got to get to California.
- Julie, there's not time.
- Honey if you are
going to have a baby,
no airline'll take you.
- Oh. (gasps)
How about Air Express?
They guarantee delivery.
(audience laughs)
- Ah look, yes, hi,
I'm waiting to talk to,
oh, hello Dr. Tishman,
hi, um, Ann Romano.
I'm calling about Julie.
She had what might
have been a labor pain,
then of course, it
might not have been,
but I just thought you
ought to know, just,
in the back.
Yeah, it was just
about here, oh.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, okay, all right, doctor.
Okay, thank you very much.
All right.
He said to just wait
and let him know
when the next one shows up.
- Sure, wait.
Just once, I would like to
see a man get pregnant.
(audience laughs)
- You know, the
foundation has a water tank
all reserved for
me and everything.
I've gotta get to California.
(doorbell rings)
- Mom.
- [Ann] If that
was a labor pain,
you cannot go to California.
- [Julie] It's not fair.
- Hi Francine, come on in.
Mom, it's Francine.
- Barbara.
Hello Annie, Catherine, Julie,
oh how nice to see you.
Julie, my goodness, look at you.
You're getting to look more
like your mother every day.
(audience laughs)
- What do you want, Francine?
- Oh, I just thought I
would bring these proofs by.
I'm not going to be in too
early tomorrow morning,
I have this absolutely
fabulous date tonight.
- Oh, who with?
- I think it's Oscar.
(audience laughs)
Oh, well am I
interrupting something?
You all look so miserable.
- Oh nobody's miserable,
I think Julie's gonna
have her baby.
- The baby?
- Baby.
Yes, baby.
Little short people.
(audience laughs)
You do know where babies
come from, don't you Francine?
- Previous marriages.
(audience laughs)
Well, if there's anything
I can do, call my service.
- [Ann] Bye Francine.
- Goodbye.
Oh uh, Julie, what hospital
are you going to be in?
- Well, I'm supposed to
be on my way to a clinic
in California.
- To have her baby under water.
- Oh?
Under water?
- Yes, it's a new thing.
- How wonderful for us.
- Us?
- Romano and Webster.
It's a chance to get
another major account.
It's a natural tie-in.
This baby will be
born under water.
And not just under
water, but under Perrier.
(audience laughs)
- Uh, bye Francine.
- Ann, this could mean
thousands to the baby.
- Thousands?
- Francine. (clicks tongue)
- Well, goodbye all.
Good luck, dear.
- We had a girl
like her in school.
We drowned her.
(audience laughs)
- Grandma, you didn't!
- Oh well we tried to, but
three boys and two teachers
and the vice principal
jumped in to save her.
Took her 30 years, but she
married every one of 'em.
(audience laughs)
- Hi.
- [Ann] Hi.
- Guess who we
just saw in the hall?
- Francine.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hm.
- Can God get you for
stuff you just think about?
(audience laughs)
- I hope not.
- Thanks, sweetheart.
- Uh Max, honey, we
gotta get to California.
- We will.
- No, I mean now.
I just had my first labor pain.
- Are you sure?
- Of course I'm sure.
- All right, that's
it, general quarters,
everybody man
their baby stations.
- What do we do?
- Alex, you go boil some water.
Max, you hold her hand.
Mark, you rip some sheets up,
Barbara, you go in there
and sterilize the bedroom
with vinegar or booze,
anything that'll kill bugs.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider, there's still time.
- I've gotta get to California!
- Will you just drop it?
- But not here.
(audience laughs)
- Julie, we can't go to
California now, you know that.
- I know, but Max,
what about our plans
about having the
baby under water?
- It'll be all right.
- No it won't!
- Honey come on,
maybe it's for the best.
- Not it isn't!
(Julie gasps and winces)
Max, I think
something's happening.
- All right, that's
it, general quarters,
everybody man
your baby stations!
We gotta get the...
- Shut up, Schneider.
I'm gonna call Dr. Tishman.
- No, Mom.
There's no need for that,
I'm just gonna
have the baby here.
- Here, in the house?
- Yes, in the bathtub.
(audience applauds)
- In the bathtub?
- You shouldn't even be trying
to get into a bathtub this late.
(audience laughs)
- Let alone spawn in it.
(audience laughs)
- Mother, there are
documented cases
of women having
underwater births in bathtubs.
- And there are documented cases
of women giving birth
in the hospital, too.
- Julie, can we talk
about this before you...
- Max, I've made up my mind.
- Just a second...
- Mark, you try and
talk some sense into her.
You've had medical training.
You're gonna be a dentist.
- Basically I work
the other end.
(audience laughs)
- Julie, Julie, just...
- Oh Grandma, I am
so glad you understand.
- [Max] (sighs)
Julie, just a second...
- Would somebody please
say something helpful?
- Something helpful.
(audience laughs)
- Thanks.
I'm gonna call
Dr. Tishman again.
- She's not really going
through with this, is she?
- You don't know Julie.
- Oh I just pray that
the bathtub is clean.
- Oh, it's clean.
I just took a bath.
- I'm gonna get some industrial
strength cleansing powder.
- I think you've
just been insulted.
- Uh, Dr. Tishman, please.
Okay, this is Ann Romano.
Will you just tell him that
it concerns Julie Cooper?
Yes.
Thank you.
Bye bye.
(Ann sighs)
- Julie, can we talk
about this, please?
- Max, please, just figure
out how many gallons of water
this thing holds so I can
tell how much salt to add
and give me a
thermometer for the water,
and help me up.
- Sit over here, it's
easier on your back.
(door knocks)
yeah?
- Julie?
Julie honey how are you doing?
Any more pains?
- No, not yet, Grandma.
- Oh good.
I can sterilize the tub.
Oh boy, I just hope that
Alex wasn't playing with frogs.
(audience laughs)
- Grandma, do you mind?
- Warts, yuck!
- Julie, I have to
say something, look.
I know I'm your little sister,
and everything I say
is straight, square,
and nauseatingly sensible,
but if you want my
advice, please don't...
- I don't, not now.
- Barbara, honey,
would you please just
let us handle this, okay?
- Grandma!
- Excuse me, could
I handle this please?
I am the husband, and would
you stop the damn scrubbing?
- Okay, you scrub.
I'm going to inspect it.
- Can I ask something, please?
- Alex, I wanna talk
to her, and I was first.
- Wrong, I was first.
Everybody out.
Come on, let's go.
(door knocks) Hey!
- I'm sorry, Max, forgive me.
I'm really, excuse me.
Look, sweetheart,
I haven't been able
to talk to Dr. Tishman,
but I talked to a Dr. Budrow,
and he recommends that
you forge this nonsense,
I'm sorry, I'm not.
Nonsense, uh, he thinks
that you should reconsider
going to the hospital where
they have technical personnel
and monitoring equipment.
- Of course he'd say that,
so he can pay for his
condos and go golfing.
- I have to ask a question.
- Alex, I wanna talk to her!
- Everybody!
Please, please just
leave us alone, okay?
- Thank you.
- Okay, everybody out.
Out.
Max, it's up to you.
- Phew.
- Max, everything
is going wrong.
All of our plans
are going wrong.
- Julie, I believe in
everything we planned,
but not here, not like this.
- Max, I've been through
all the instructions,
I've done all the
exercises, I'm ready.
- I'm sorry, not
without somebody here
who's trained in the method.
- You're trained,
you could do it.
- Julie, I was trained for
a big tank in California,
not a tub in Indianapolis.
And I'm not gonna
risk you on what I know.
- Yeah.
(door knocks)
- What?
- [Alex] It's Alex.
- Alex, please, okay?
- [Alex] Okay.
- The whole idea
was to bring our baby
into a world of warmth
and gentleness and peace.
- And love.
- Oh Max, especially love.
I don't wanna give that up.
- You know, you're
a very sweet person.
- Thank you.
- You're gonna make our
baby a damn good mother.
- I love you.
- Aw.
I love you, too.
And I don't think we're gonna
have to give up anything.
Maybe somebody up there
is pushing us in a
better direction, hm?
Think about it, where are we?
- In the john.
(audience laughs)
- (laughs) That's
true, we're in the john.
No, Julie, what I mean is,
we're right in the
middle of all the people
who will love our baby the most.
We have the peace and
the love and the warmth.
Do we need the water?
- Why doesn't he call back?
- I don't know, we
have got to get a doctor.
- (fingers snap) Mrs.
Dokes, down at 233.
She watches General
Hospital every day.
(audience laughs)
- Let's just keep that
in reserve, shall we?
(phone rings)
- Oh, hello?
Oh finally Dr. Tishman, hi.
About Julie, yes right,
the underwater birth.
Look, she insists on having
the baby here in the bathtub,
so could you come over?
It's real.
You, uh, yeah I hear
what you're saying, but.
He doesn't wanna come over.
- I don't blame him.
I'm worried about malpractice,
and I don't even
have a practice yet.
(audience laughs)
- Listen to me, we really
need you very badly.
You've been our
doctor for years,
you've delivered
both of my children,
you were Julie's doctor before...
- Mom.
- Oh, finally!
(audience laughs and applauds)
- What, what?
- Excuse me, excuse me.
We've decided to not
have the baby in the tub.
- Oh, thank god!
Oh, Dr. Tishman, listen to me.
They decided not to
have the baby in the tub.
Yes, isn't that wonderful?
Uh what?
Okay, okay.
Oh yes, all right,
fine, thank you.
All right, he said to start
timing your contractions
and to alert him, and he'll
meet us at the hospital.
- Hospital?
- Yes darling.
- With bright lights and
chrome and strangers?
- Yes, well...
- No way, Mom, forget it.
I want him to come here.
I wanna have my
baby in your bedroom
with my family all around me.
Oh!
Oh, Max!
- Max!
- Okay, all right.
- All right, your
contraction begins.
Take a cleansing breath, relax.
(Julie sighs)
How you doin' hun?
- Just fine.
Don't let go of my hand.
- I won't.
Ever.
- (giggles) Thank
you for the soft lights
and peaceful colors.
Everything is so
calm and gentle now.
(audience laughs)
- Okay, Alex.
Plug it in.
- Okay.
- That soft enough for ya?
- Oh, that's lovely.
Thank you, dear Schneider.
(Schneider chuckles)
- Schneider, where in the
world did you get those lanterns?
- Down at the lodge.
We had a samurai
night and beer bust.
(audience laughs)
- I don't care if
pastels are soothing,
I feel dumb in this sheet.
(audience laughs)
- Anything to keep her
out of the bathtub, okay?
- Hi.
Dr. Tishman, he should
be here any minute.
- How do you like the lanterns?
- It's really very
nice, Schneider.
I smell beer.
(audience laughs)
- Well, when the
Geisha girls arrived,
things got out of hand.
(audience laughs)
- Oh!
- Oh Julie, take it
easy, we're here.
- And I'm glad you
are, my beloved family.
- All right, contraction begins,
take a cleansing breath.
(all inhale and exhale)
Relax, focus.
- Okay, that's seven minutes
since the last contraction.
- Okay, thanks.
- Why doesn't the
doctor get here?
- Can I make some popcorn?
(audience laughs)
- Alex darling, why don't
you call the doctor again, huh?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Julie.
I love you.
- Oh, I love you too, Alex.
- Now that's really terrific.
I mean usually a guy can't
come right out and say I love you
unless he doesn't mean it.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider, if you
feel it, it's okay to say it.
- Well, I can't.
Oh I will, I will.
Julie, uh, you know
you've always uh.
I mean, you've always been,
and Barbara, the same
with you, you know?
I mean the both of you.
And Catherine, Ms.
Romano, I mean, I feel that uh,
well that's just the
way I feel, I mean.
(audience laughs)
Max and Mark and
Alex, you guys, too.
- Thank you, Schneider.
- That was beautiful.
- I didn't think I was gonna
be able to say it. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
- Julie, I wanna say something.
Do you remember when I was 11,
and I held a my
favorite sister contest?
- You've only got one sister.
- Yeah, and I came in third.
(audience laughs)
- I just wanna say, you
moved up a couple notches.
- Doctor service
said he's on his way.
- Oh, terrific.
- I'll wait in the
lobby for him.
- Thank you, Alex.
- Mark, did you get
the ocean sounds?
- Oh, no.
I couldn't find those.
But I found something else
I think will be just as restful.
(loon warbles)
Loon calls.
- Speaking of loons, dear.
(audience laughs)
- You know what I
really used to love?
- You all right?
- Yeah.
When we used to go
camping, and we would all
kind of sit around the
campfire and sing songs.
Do you guys remember
any of those songs?
- Oh sure.
- Julie, darling.
You know, I remember
when you were a little girl.
That was when your
parents used to include me
in their trips.
(audience laughs)
And we used to tuck you
into your little sleeping bag
under the stars.
You always asked
me to sing you to sleep.
♪ John Jacob
Jingleheimer Schmidt
♪ That's my name too
♪ Whenever I go out
♪ The people always shout
♪ John Jacob
Jingleheimer Schmidt
♪ Da la la la la la
♪ John Jacob
Jingleheimer Schmidt
- He's here!
The doctor's here!
(group chatters excitedly)
- Dr. Tishman, hi.
- Hello, Ann.
How are you?
- Oh, it's good to see you.
(audience laughs)
- It was Julie's idea.
- I see.
How are you, Julie?
- Hi Dr. Tishman, I'm Max
Horvath, Julie's husband.
- Well, very good to meet you.
- Thanks for coming.
- How are you feeling?
- Well, (chuckles) fine.
I just had another contraction.
- Yeah, they're coming around
seven minutes apart now.
- Well, that gives
us plenty of time.
Julie, I really wanna
get you to the hospital.
- Hospital?
- Yes.
- Doctor, I want
my baby born here
with my family and friends.
I don't want Felicity
or little Mulwork
to be born in some
cold, plastic room
with bright lights
and strangers.
- It means a lot to us, doctor.
- Well, it's true, a lot of
hospitals are cold and plastic,
but there are others that
have alternate birth centers
with rooms just like
this, except no lanterns.
They even have double beds
and you can have
the baby right there
with anybody in
the room with you.
- Really?
- Doctor.
- Yes.
- I'm afraid Julie
gets very obstinate
about things like
this, so... (Julie gasps)
Oh Julie, all right.
- Oh, okay.
Okay, baby, you're
gonna be fine.
- Beloved Mother.
- Yes, darling.
- Get me to the
beloved hospital.
Okay, okay.
- Now swing your feet over.
- Oh Julie.
Such a beautiful baby.
It's such a beautiful
experience.
I am never gonna forget this.
- Oh honey, thank you
for letting us be here.
- Anytime.
(group laughs)
- [Mark] Dwayne,
Dwayne, come on bud.
- [Alex] Schneider.
- Come on buddy, come on.
(audience laughs)
Come on.
- Here you go.
- Come on, come on.
- Oh boy.
- Oh, what happened?
I mean, when is the
baby gonna be born?
- It already was.
- I missed it!
- You fainted.
- Did not faint at all!
Must be an ether
leak in this room.
(audience laughs)
- Right.
- What was it, a boy or a girl?
- Oh Schneider, you know,
I thought I was too old
fashioned for something like this,
but I wouldn't miss this
for anything in the world.
- Is it a boy or a girl?
- Everything went perfectly.
(audience laughs)
Beautiful, healthy grandchild.
- Molwark or Felicity?
(audience laughs)
- Neither.
- No, that's impossible.
Unisex?
(audience laughs)
- Oh no, Schneider.
It is a beautiful seven
pound, four ounce baby girl.
- And they named her Ann.
- Ann?
Ann!
(audience laughs)
- What else could they name her?
The first the thing she did
was screech and bellow?
(group laughs)
- How you feelin', baby?
- Oh, Max, let's
have another one.
- Easy for you to say, you
got to lie down the whole time.
- Should we, uh, leave
them alone for a while?
- Yeah.
- Oh, sure.
- Oh, thank you.
- I didn't actually faint.
- Oh, Max.
You know what the
second best part was?
- Hm?
- Having you here.
Well, my whole family,
but especially you.
- Hey, here's the best part.
(audience coos)
Hi baby, I'm Daddy. (giggles)
Did you get all washed
up and weighed in?
Here's your beautiful Mommy.
- Oh, Max.
Max, she's just beautiful.
- Oh, you know Julie,
every baby I've ever seen
look exactly alike, but not her.
She is gorgeous.
- Oh, you know,
except for our baby
not being born under water,
everything went
just beautifully.
- Hey, for your
information, Mommy,
it's been raining for about
an hour, can you believe it?
- Oh, thank you.
- And thank you for Annie.
She is beautiful,
and she is a miracle.
(audience coos and applauds)
("This Is It" by Jeff
and Nancy Berry)