One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 8, Episode 8 - Miracle of Birth: Part 1 - full transcript

♪ This is it

♪ This is life, the one you
get, so go and have a ball

♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead and rest
assured you can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ Just take it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time

- Mail call, mail call.

Got a postcard.

- On Sunday?

- Actually you
got it on Thursday,

but I was reading it in
my john and I forgot it.

Anyway, Julie's coming.

- What?
- Yeah, it says here

"I'm leaving Houseman
because something

"I want to shock
with my biminy."

- "I'm leaving Houston
because there's something

"I want to share
with my family."

- Handwriting like that,
she could be a doctor.

- Typical Julie, I'll tell you.

There's no date, no arrival
time, nothing about the baby.

Wonder if this is the
semi-annual divorce.

- Think she'll get here today?

- You never know with Julie.

Could be any minute, tomorrow,
or a week from Groundhog Day.

- When is she
gonna have the baby?

- Never know with Julie.

Could be any minute, tomorrow,
or a week from Groundhog Day.

- Actually, I tell you, unless
that kid sees his own shadow,

he ain't gonna be here
for another six weeks.

- How come you
never know with Julie?

- We're exaggerating
a little, honey.

Julie is, she's always
been a free spirit.

She believes in all kinds of
people and abstract things

and difficult causes and
wants you to believe in them too.

- Yeah, and if you don't,
she gets mad at you.

That's why I had to give her $5

to save the jackasses
in the Grand Canyon.

- Well, I better go think
about dinner just in case.

- Good.

I wish I knew her better.

Barbara says she's
got a great temper.

Does she?

- No, I'd say no.

Appalling would
be a better word.

That Julie, she's really
something special.

- Yeah, she really is.

I remember when you
guys first moved in here.

First thing out of her mouth was

"Mom, do we have
to live in this dump?"

I forgave her anyway.

- I tell you, my first child.

I made all of my best
mistakes on that kid.

I remember when she
was in nursery school.

She was so funny.

(knocking on door)
- Yoo-hoo.

- That's Grandma.
- It probably is.

- Yoo-hoo.
- Okay, okay.

Hi, Grandma.
- Hi mom.

- Is everything
calm in the house?

- Come on in, Mom.

- No no, I'm speaking calm.

No waves, no ripples,
just sweet vibrations.

- Sweet vibrations?

- Keep her talking,
I'm gonna go for help.

- No no, you'll see, you'll see.

Come in, honey.

- Julie, hi.
- Hi, mother.

Alex, dear.

Schneider, my friend.

- Schneider, my friend?

- Schneider, would
you turn that chair

so it faces east?

- You want the
chair to face east?

Why, you expecting one
to come in from the west?

- Schneider, I think
you ought to just do it.

Julie, is Max with you?

- No, he's working a
flight from Salt Lake,

but he'll be here soon.

- Okay, Schneider?

- That's about as close
as I can get it to the east

without a star and a camel.

- Don't irritate
the air, Schneider.

Come on, sit down, sweetheart.

- Thank you.

- Miss R, what's going on?

- I'm not sure.

Mom, there's an awful
lot of strange language

going on here.

- Well of course
there is, honey.

It's because of Julie and
world and motherhood.

- What are you talking about?

- I have no idea.

But if my pregnant
granddaughter wants that,

she can have it.

- Julie...

- I had Grandmother
pick me up at the airport.

Now, don't be
offended by this, Mother.

It's just that I didn't want
to encounter any resistance

to a new idea.

- What are you talking
about, resistance?

When have I ever
resisted a new idea?

- Now keep your
voice down, Annie.

You're giving out violent auras.

Just absorb the
east, sweetheart.

- You know what's east of here?

The city dump.

- Thank you, Schneider.

Julie, explain this to me, okay?

I'll be placid, I'll
keep my mind open.

- Me too.
- Me too.

- My mind is always open.

I don't know why you
didn't inherit it, Annie.

- Mother, it's simple, really.

As you know, Max and
I decided months ago

that the baby would
have a natural birth.

- Right.
- Like a goat.

- Schneider.

- How is my beloved sister?

- Barbara is fine.

- After the stress of the
trip and Barbara's wedding

and some very unpleasant
encounters with Max's mother,

I was uptight, I was tense.

I just wasn't feeling right.

- So you face east.

- I found this wonderful yogi.

- Yogi, okay.

- Mother, I've learned how
to shut out the petty irritations

and tensions that tend
to pollute our bodies

and block the
way to inner peace.

- Julie, give me a break.

- Mother, it's not just for me

but also for my unborn child.

- Harmony must always
surround the sweet little fetus.

That's what Julie says.

- That's right, you see, the
baby hears and feels discord.

That's why I called on
my gentle grandmother

to pave the way
before I came here.

My child cannot be
exposed to doubt or derision.

- Thank you.
- Or sarcasm.

- Can the baby really
hear us from in there?

- I guess if the kid's ear is
right up next to the navel.

- Look, Julie, nothing
this man has said

is truly objectionable.

Peace is fine and
facing the east...

Yeah, well, that's okay I guess.

I do believe there is
something to prenatal influence.

- I can vouch for that.

When my aunt, she was
pregnant, she went to see Tarzan.

My cousin, he
looks like a gorilla.

He can play with an
old tire all day long.

I've seen him eat 12 pounds
of bananas in one sitting.

- Speaking of eating, I
guess we're gonna be having

a big dinner now, huh?

- Oh boy, that is a great idea.

A good old fashioned
family dinner.

- Mom.

- Old fashioned family dinner.

Kind of reminds me of my family.

Of course, I don't
have a family now.

- You're invited too, Schneider.

- Mom, we don't have
anything in the house.

- That's all right.

I'll just phone Barbara and Mark

and they can pick up
something on the way over.

- Listen, I got a jar of
pig knuckles downstairs.

I'll throw that in.

- Thank you.

Julie, what does Max's family
have to say about all of this?

- Max's mother
objects to natural birth.

- Why, natural childbirth
has been accepted for years.

- She is entitled
to her opinion.

I mean, after all,
it is her grandchild

and the dear, sweet,
objectionable woman

does have her rights.

But she shouted
obscenities in front of my child

and I just can't have that.

Mother, I'm exhausted
and my baby is tired too.

May we lie down?

- Of course, darling, but
would you do me a favor?

Call me Mom like
you used to, okay?

- Mom?

That doesn't really
cover it anymore, Mother.

Your womb is a tabernacle
that produced two girl children.

You're a sacred vessel.

- Does your tabernacle
have a choir?

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Ssh.

- Sorry.

I'm so glad we're
having dinner over here.

I got to lie around
reading all day.

- Is there some reason
Grandma is laid out on the sofa?

- I think she OD'd
on sweet vibrations.

- Here's all the
stuff you needed.

- And here's the bill.

- What's Julie doing here?

Isn't she about due?

- About nine more days.

- And here's the bill.

- So how's she feeling?

- Fine.

She's going to
some yogi in Texas

who believes that
all of life's processes

should be peaceful and natural.

- I guess there's
nothing wrong with that.

- And here's the bill.

- Mark, you'll get your money.

- I need it now so I can
go back and get my watch.

- Mark.

- It's a lot of philosophy,
lots of facing east,

I'm a sacred vessel,
Schneider is a dear, sweet friend

and you, Barbara, are
Julie's beloved sister.

- Beloved sister?

Whatever happened to pest
and twerp and munchkin?

- Something wrong
with the word beloved?

- No.
- Do you love your sister?

- Of course I do.

- Why can't you just say so?

Why can't people be nice
and good and say sweet things

to each other?

Why do they always have to
make fun of something different?

- Mom, it's not a
matter of making fun.

- Annie, when you were
born, the doctor held you up

by your foot and just
smacked you until you yelled.

Is that peaceful?

Is that nice?

It sure explains a lot
about your personality.

- Mom, look.

Julie has been
doing a lot of talking

but where is she
going to have this baby

and who is going to deliver it

and who is this man
who wants her to face east

and what is she doing here?

I think we better get
answers to all of that

before we sallow
this whole thing,

hook, line and
sinker, don't you?

- Gangway, folks,
look what I got.

- Too late, Schneider,
they already invented it.

- What is that?

- It's a table round.

I got it down at the lodge.

If we're all gonna
have dinner together,

we can't do it
in that little thing.

Give me a hand.

- Schneider, that's a nice idea.

- I thought you'd like it.

Here's the bill.

- Hi.
- Max, hi.

- How are you?

- I think he said,
"Hi, how are you?"

- As long as he didn't
say "here's the bill."

Hi Max, how you doing?

- I was doing fine until I
met Schneider in the hall.

Hi everybody.

- Hey Max.
- Hi, how are you?

- Julie get here okay?

- Yes, the dear, sweet
girl is resting in Alex's room.

- Oh, good, how'd you
guys take the news?

- What news?

- About the birth.

- I don't know what
you're talking about, Max.

I know you and Julie are
planning on having a natural birth.

- Oh, good.

A lot of people would object

to a baby being born underwater.

- She's gonna have my
great-grandchild underwater?

- Yeah, I thought
Julie explained it.

Julie will be sitting in a tank

and then the baby will
be born into the water.

- What are you gonna
have, a kid or a flounder?

- I think I've heard about
this underwater thing before.

- Yes, some medical
people feel it has possibilities

but there are lots
of differing opinions.

- Well, it's been
done many times.

Especially in Russia
and southern California.

- What about America?

- Max, who is this
yogi that she's going to?

- His name is Dr. Peter Raymond.

He's a licensed psychologist.

He's a really nice guy,
I think he's done Julie

a lot of good.

- Hold it a minute, Max.

Julie is planning to have
her child delivered underwater

by a psychologist?

- No no no, the birth is
a totally separate thing.

See, Peter told us
about it so we're going out

to this foundation in
California where they specialize

in this kind of thing.

- Marineland.

- Let me ask a silly question.

If you're going out to
California to have the baby,

what are you doing here?

- Yeah.

- Well, Julie's a little
scared in spite of

all that facing east stuff.

And she's really come here
to get everybody's approval.

Especially you, Shorty.

- Max, I'd love
to give it to her,

but for one thing, is it safe?

- Believe me, I have
researched this thing thoroughly

and I knew you'd
have some questions

so I brought some
literature with me.

Here, yeah, you guys ought
to take a look at some of this.

See the tank?

That tank is filled up with
water that approximates

the temperature in
the mother's womb.

That way, when
the baby is delivered,

it's a nice, warm environment.

And the lights are
dim, there's no shock,

and it's really a very gentle
birth experience for the baby.

- Max, this all sounds
terrific and everything,

but what's the baby
doing during all this?

- Body surfing.

- I mean, how about a
little thing called breathing?

- Oh, the baby continues
to get its oxygen

from the mother through
the umbilical cord.

See, all the baby has
to do is just float around

and look at all
the friendly faces.

- What are you gonna call him?

Little Gary Guppy?

- You know,
Schneider, just because

you don't understand
this doesn't make it wrong.

- Max, who's the doctor
who does the delivery?

- You don't always
need a doctor.

- That's right, just
call a pool man.

- I'm calling Dr. Tichman.

- I think I'm gonna
go see Julie.

- I'm gonna be a


(knocking on door)

- Oh I'm sorry, darling,
I'll come back later.

- No, Mother, come,
sit and talk with me.

- Okay.

Julie, I hate saying this.

- Excuse me, Mother.

But the word hate will
never be in my child's lexicon.

- Good, okay.

I dislike saying this, Julie...

- Mother, I know.

You're upset about
the birth technique.

- That's one way of putting it.

- I know your nature, Mother.

I have seen you quiver
with impatience at Barbara.

I've heard you screech at Dad.

You have often bellowed at me.

Can you control that
sort of thing now?

If not, we can't talk.

Mother, you have a short fuse.

- Excuse me, Julie,
I'll be right back.

I do not have a short fuse
and I do not screech and bellow.

- Okay.

- Okay, Julie.

Let's assume for the
sake of laughter and song

that you are going to
have this child underwater.

- Mother, don't
make fun of this.

I really believe in it.

What I've learned has
made me relaxed and happy

and that's gotta be better
for the baby, don't you think?

- Yeah, I suppose.

- I'm gonna name
the baby Felicity.

- Good, okay, Julie...

- If it's a boy, I was
thinking of Marlwark.

- Marlwark, nice.

For short, do we call
him Marl or Wark?

- Mother, Marlwark
means lovely soul

in one of the Indus dialects.

- Julie, I did something
that you are going

to probably think
of as interfering.

I called Dr. Tichman about you.

- Dr. Tichman?

- He's the doctor
who delivered you.

Do you know that he has
delivered over 1,500 babies

and he still remembers you?

- And?

- And he tells me that this
underwater birth process

of yours is not exactly
widely accepted.

- Neither is having
a baby in a taxi

but it happens all
the time, dear mother.

- He's seen one of
these underwater...

Julie, could you just stop
calling me dear mother?

It really throws
my thinking, okay?

- Okay.

- Thank you, okay.

Dr. Tichman has
seen one of these

underwater birth techniques
and he agrees with the intent,

the peaceful intent, if
not with the process.

- Would you mind not
calling it a process?

I'm not giving
birth to a cheese.

Mother, I really need you
to be on my side about this.

- Julie, this whole idea
absolutely terrifies me.

It's so new, it's not
thoroughly tested.

No medical doctor, no hospital.

Oh honey, I want your
baby to be born safe.

I want you to be safe.

- Mother, I'm frightened too.

I'm scared to let
my baby be born

into a word full of anger
and hate and violence.

I want my child to start
life with peace and love.

No turbulence.

- No screeching.

- Do you understand?

- Yeah, I understand
how you feel, honey,

but, well, for the
sake of peace and love

and no turbulence,

would you agree
to see Dr. Tichman?

- Sure.

- Oh good, because I
made an appointment for...

I will make an appointment
for you tomorrow at two.

- You made an appointment
without asking me?

- Julie, if you're
gonna be a mother,

you're gonna have
to learn all the tricks.

- Oh, Mom.

If it'll ease your mind, of
course I will see Dr. Tichman.

- Thank you.

- All right, let's go out
and clear the family.

- Clear the family?

- Clear the family conscience.

Just give me a
moment to center myself

and I'll be right with you.

- Great-grandmother.

- It'll be our secret.

- Hi.

- Hi, how's Julie?

- She's fine, she'll
be out in a minute.

She wants to clear
the family conscience,

whatever that means.

- Oh good, I was gonna
spring it on you after dinner.

- Do we have to
do it underwater?

- The idea is to bring he
baby home to a cleared family,

meaning a family with
no hidden transgressions

or offenses that the
others don't know about.

Clear the family for the
advent of the new life.

Make sense?

- Wait a second, let
me get this straight.

We have to tell all?

I don't even do
that in confession.

- Hello everybody.

- Hi hon, did you
have a nice rest?

- Yeah.

- Good, I explained
it to everyone.

- Oh, great.

All I ask is that we
clear the family quietly.

We discuss, we do not shout.

- Sacred vessels seldom shout.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't
have said that.

Go on.

- Okay, now does anyone
know of any grievances

or transgressions or hypocrisy?

- As I understand
this, this is supposed

to be good for the baby?

- Oh, of course.

- When it's my turn,
sweet little baby,

remember I love you.

- Julie, can we fix dinner
while we're doing this?

- Oh sure, that's a wonderful,
loving family atmosphere

for the baby.

- Good, good, good.

- All right, well, anybody?

- Schneider, why
don't you go first?

- You want me to go first?

Okay, I'll go, I'm not chicken.

Hello there little baby,
this is your uncle Schneider.

Here's the thing of it, okay?

Last night I was with
Miss Leroux and I...

- Schneider, I don't
think that's really

what we want to hear.

- I do.
- I do.

- What we're looking
for is any transgressions

or ill feelings
between us as people.

- Oh, is that what you mean?

Okay, there's somebody
here that feels that I have

too sharp a temper,
that I have a short fuse.

I find myself resenting that.

Am I wrong?

- Anyone here who has
these feelings about Mother,

please raise their hand.


- Okay, okay, okay.

Here's something that's
been sticking in my craw

for a long time.

Where is the vase I
gave you for Christmas?

- The vase?

- I don't see that
vase anywhere.

If you don't like something,
don't rave about it

and then just
stick it in the closet.

Just say, "I hate your
dumb vase, Mom."

- I hate your dumb vase, Mom.

- I didn't mean now.

- Mom, you've been
trying to unload that thing

for 30 years.

I have it now, then I give
it to Julie at Christmas

and then she gives
it back to Barbara.

- And then you can
have it back, Grandma.


- Hey doc, how about you?

You want to get a shot at this?

- Uhh.

Don't get me wrong.

I think this is a great family

and I realize I'm
the newest member,

but since I'm gonna be an
uncle, I would like to say...

- Mark, would you
just get on with it

and say what you think?

- All right.

There is a tendency in this
family to be overly honest.

- Overly honest?

If that's a crime, deal me in.

- I'm sorry, he's right.

- I'm fascinated how
you think dishonesty

can be a virtue.

- Not dishonesty, consideration.

You know, tact,
diplomacy, ever heard of it?

(all clamoring)

- What have you
lied to me about?

- Nothing.
- Is that the truth?

- No.
- What?

- We're not talking about me.

We're talking about your family.

For example, that
gray jacket I bought,

I wear it over here one time.

Your mother says it stinks.

- I didn't say it stinks.

I said it didn't go well
with your complexion.

If you want to know
how I really feel,

it makes you look dead.

(all clamoring)

- Okay, okay.

Just wait until you
give them a vase.

That's right, that's right.

We all do it, I do it.

Even Barbara does it,
and she's the nice one.

- Wait a minute.

Why is Barbara
always the nice one

and Julie the rebel?

(all clamoring)

- Ta-da.

- What is that supposed to be?

- I just thought I'd
help Julie with the birth.

- That's awful.

- I was just kidding.

I thought it was funny.

- Well it's not.
- Yes it is.

- It's not funny, Alex.

- Okay, I'll take it back.

You have no sense of humor.

- Bye.

- Incredible.

- All right, where was I?

- I'll tell you where you were.

You were just accusing
Barbara of being nice.

- What's wrong with being nice?

(banging on plate)

- Ladies and gentlemen, I
would like to say something.

- [All] Shut up, Schneider.

- Okay now Max.
- I'll tell you what's wrong

with being nice.

- I don't think...
- Wait a minute, honey.

No one ever sticks
up for you in this family.

Your mother blames
you for everything

and she's miss goody
two shoes over here.

- Goody two shoes?
- Miss goody two shoes

like she's got
dimples on her butt.

- How does he know that?

- I do no such thing.
- Yes you do.

- I don't have
dimples on my butt.

- How dare you talk
to my family like that?

- [Narrator] Tune in next
week for the conclusion

of The Miracle of Birth.