One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 8, Episode 7 - Lovers & Other Parents - full transcript

Ann and Mark's father have dinner with Mark and Barbara and things move very fast between them.

♪ This is it ♪ This is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it

♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

So up on your feet
♪ Up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time

- Oh, hi honey.

I'm glad you're here.

We can have a nice cup of tea.

Oh what a day.

I'll tell ya the office
was like an asylum,

one bizarre thing...

- Mom, have you seem
my Lucite bagel server?

- After another.

- No, you know the one
that Mrs. Lebowitz gave us

for a wedding present?

- I know.

- I plan to serve the
pate in that tonight.

You think that's a good idea?

Oh it stinks, doesn't it?

- (laughing) Honey, stop
making yourself crazy, okay?

You're having a
simple dinner tonight

for four people.

It is not trial by ordeal.

- Thank you.

- I know, but you're
gonna be there

and Mark's father
is back in town.

So, he's gonna be there
and this is the first time

you two are ever gonna meet.

It's my first dinner
in our new apartment.

- Honey, come on now.

Take it easy.

Everything will be wonderful.

The food's gonna be delicious.

- Sure, you guys'll
be living like kings

and I'll be in the
wilderness with Schneider

trying to keep the elks
out of my baked beans.

- Hey.

Now Jim Bowie, if you
don't wanna go camping,

why not just pass?

- I can't.

Schneider's been looking
forward to this for weeks.

And I like camping,
in the summer.

In the winter it should
be done indoors,

maybe under a domed stadium.

♪ Give me land, lots of
land under starry skies above

♪ Don't fence me
in - Hello Schneider.

- How are ya kid?

You're all ready huh?

- [Alex] Uh huh.

- That's great.

You realize how lucky you are?

How many of your pals
are gonna hunker down

to chow tonight in
front of a roaring fire

and then drift off to
sleep, the sky their ceiling,

the earth their pillow?

- Yeah, they'll just have
pillows for their pillows.

- So, what are you
gonna wear tonight?

- Well I have these raccoon
lined shorts that I use.

- Mom, what are you
gonna wear tonight?

- I don't know, why?

- Oh I was just asking.

I thought maybe you could wear

your purple silk blouse
with the padded shoulders?

- Why in particular
should I wear

my purple silk blouse
with the padded shoulders?

- Oh no reason, it's just,
well it's less business like

and it makes ya look terrific.

- Uh huh, and why should
I look terrific tonight?

- Yeah, why should she
look terrific tonight sweetie?

- (laughs) I got it.

You're gonna fix your
mother up with Mark's father.

- Wait a second.

That's almost incest.

- Don't be ridiculous.

I was just making a suggestion.

- What a riot.

- A riot?

It's disgusting.

Having a tryst with the
father of your own son-in-law.

You realize if you have any kids

they'd be your own relatives.

- Barbara, are you matchmaking?

- No, Mom, I am
not doing anything.

Now come on, Mark's
father is back in town.

And you have to
meet him sometime.

The most I'm hoping for
is that you'll like each other

enough to make small talk.

Enough small talk

and maybe nobody's gonna
notice the dinner, okay?

- Okay.

- But you really do look good

in that purple blouse
with the padded shoulders.

- What is all this
about shoulders.

I mean who cares
about shoulders anyway?

I never once met a guy
who was a shoulder man.

You don't even need shoulders.

All they do is hold up straps.

Am I right?

- You're right Schneider.

- Alright, let's go.

Let's hit the trail.

- Schneider, along this trail,

is there a Holiday Inn?

- Get outta here.

- Oh.

- Let's see.

Let's see I'll put
your father right here.

I'll put Mom there.

Or maybe I should sit
'em across from each other.

- Why don't you put 'em
both in the same chair,

that'll work?

- Would you give me a break?

My rice is turning into
gravel on that hot plate,

I have a Caesar salad
out on the fire escape,

my chicken Theodore is cooking
in a kitchen two floors down,

my blood pressure
is two floors up.

- And you know
what you're doing.

- Yes, it's called panicking.

I just want our
parents to get along.

- So do I.

I'm worried about the guy.

Ever since the divorce
he's been running around

with chicks half his age.

(knocking at the door)

- That's not what I'm
talking about, Mark.

- There she is.

- Sam, and someone else.

- Hey, hey Dad, how you doing?

No need to answer that question.

- Barbara, Mark, I'd like
ya to meet Melissa Layton.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Hello.

- Nice to meet you.
- Come on in and sit down.

- Very nice to meet you.
- Hey guy.

- Yeah, thought
I'd bring Melissa up

just to meet you
kids, have a drink.

Then Mel's taking me to an
experimental theater tonight

and we're gonna grab a bite.

- Theater and a bite.

That's terrific.

Isn't that terrific sweetheart?

- Well it's one of those things

where there's practically no
script and anything can happen.

- Like dinner.

(knocking at door)

We'll get that.

Mark, I thought you told
your father about dinner.

- Of course I told him.

I think I told him.

- Mark, you're such a ditz!

- Honey.
- Mom!

In your purple blouse.

Oh you look so pretty.

- You look great.
- This is for you.

- Thank you.
- Good.

- This is Sam

and his date, Melissa.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Well hi there, how are ya?

It's nice meeting you.

- It's about time we met.

- Absolutely.

I'm sorry you had
to miss the wedding.

It was spectacular.

- That's what I've heard.

This is really a
pleasant surprise.

- Surprise?

Didn't you know I
was coming to dinner?

- Dinner.

Uh, oh boy.

Mark, you never said
anything about dinner.

- Yeah, I did Dad.

- No, no you said come up
and look around the place.

I figure it's a one
room apartment,

how long can that take?

So I made these plans with Mel.

This is embarrassing.

- Well, that's not
so embarrassing.

- We could stay, couldn't we?

- Oh.
- If there's enough.

- Oh yes.
- Thank you, very much.

Really, but we can't stay.

We're going to the theater.

- Mel, we could go to the
theater tomorrow night.

- Sam, it's opening night.

Besides, I told Marty
we'd come back stage

after the show to see him.

- Come on Mel, it's an
experimental theater.

They probably
don't have a stage.


I think she's wavering.

- Sam, I want to
see that play tonight.

- Boy that smells good.

What it is?

- Rice.

- Mel, I'll make ya a deal.

Next week I'll
take ya to six plays.

- (scoffs) I came
up here for a drink,

not a family reunion.

- Mel.

- I like rice.

- Please Mel.

- Look, here's my idea.

You stay, have dinner,

I'll go see the play, okay?

Bye bye.

- Uh, nice to have met you.
- Look, no, no.

Don't worry.
- Bye bye.

- I'll work it out,
I'll work it out.


- Mark, this really
is embarrassing.

You were supposed to tell him...

- I did tell him.

I swear.

He just forget.

You know he's in a, he's in a...

- Well, I worked it out.

I don't think they'll
find her body for weeks.

Where do I sit?

- Well.

- And so for 50,000 tax
free American dollars,

the Club Med vacation
and the Chevy Corvette,

can you name this
tune in four notes?

- I can name the
tune in three notes.

- I can fall asleep
in two notes.

- If you're ready?
- I am.

♪ Ta da da

- Could you spare another?

- Uh oh, you just
lost the Corvette.

If you're ready.

♪ Dap - Oh thanks a lot.

- Alright, a clue.
- Alright.

- The year 1954, the
group was Crew Cuts.

And the tune...
- Sha Boom Sha Boom!

- You got it!

- (laughs) Oh gosh, 1954.

I wasn't even in
high school yet.

- They're only up to 1954.

- 1954 I was facing the
biggest decision of my life.

- Oh yeah, what?

- Whether to study architecture

or to play for the Chicago Cubs.

- I didn't know you were
a good baseball player.

- He was rotten.


- He heard that from his mother.

And she was right.

It made the decision to
study architecture a lot easier.

Those Cubs were my life.

My first commissioned
work was a shopping center

that looked suspiciously
like Rigley Field.

And I woulda
gotten away with it,

except I didn't
put in any lights.

- No lights in a
shopping center?

- It's a joke.

See Wrigley field
doesn't have any lights,

so I said that...
- Oh, I get it.

- You're not a baseball fan.

- Well maybe I'd like it better

if it only lasted one inning.

- Mark, what kinda family
have you married into?

(both laughing)

- Are they gone yet?

- Ann, how'd you
like to get outta here

and grab a cup of coffee with me

before our kids just
collapse into a total coma?

- Oh Sam, we can't
just run like that.

- You're right.

- Barbara, Mark,
it was terrific.

Now we can run.

- What?

- Listen, Barbara,

you are a wonderful cook.

- Oh thanks.

- It was terrific.

Son, try to get
some sleep, okay?

- Yeah, I will Dad.

- Love you, bye!

- Bye bye, thanks again.
- Bye bye.

- Hmm?

- You remember
when we were young?

(doorbell ringing)

Oh Mom, you are here?

Why didn't you answer the door?

- Um.
- We woke her up,
that's why.

Come on Ann, we're
taking you out to breakfast.

- Uh huh.

- We wanna know what
happened last night.

Did you have a good time?

- Is this the only razor you.

- So, you had a good time?

- Hi Dad.

- Hi son.


- Look, see, you know what?

We have got so many
things to do today,

you wouldn't believe it.

I mean we have
really gotta get going.

Come on Mark.

- Mark, Barbara, would
you at least let me explain?

- Mom, Mom, I'm 22,
there's no need to explain.

- Honey, I really do
not appreciate that tone.

I mean first of all you
just barge right in here.

- You didn't answer the door.

- You didn't even phone first.

- It was off the hook.

- It was not.

- It was.


- Aren't I entitled to a little
something called privacy?

- Boy it started
raining like crazy.

- Well when it rains it pours.

- I wanna tell ya I've
never seen so much rain.

When I...

Okay, this an alert.

There's a man standing over
there wearing a pink towel.

- Uh Schneider, Alex, I would
like you to meet Sam Royer.

Sam, this is Alex and Schneider.

- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.

- Why don't you keep both
hands on the towel Royer.

- Boy, it's a fun family.

- Yeah, Alex, Schneider could?

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah Alex this is part of life's

marvelously passing pageant,

you know the interrelationship
of people with women.

I know it sounds complicated,

but it's part of
the genetic code

which God implanted
in all creatures.

Now I think I have a
copy of the code book

down in the camper.

Go on down and get it.

- Schneider... (yelling)

- Maybe I should slip into
something less comfortable.

Uh, Mr...

- Schneider, Dwayne F.

- Okay Dwayne F.

Would you mind
passing me my pants?

- Oh ya brought pants.

How do ya wear 'em Royer,
under or over the towel?

- Are we related
to him in any way?

- No.

- This is good.

- Mark, can we go now please?

- You know I'd forgotten
what great legs he has.

- Will you come on please?



- Barbara, Barbara
for heaven sakes.

- Okay, alright.

I am being irrational.

I'm sorry.

We're all adults, I
mean this is normal,

it's healthy, it's beautiful.

For other people's parents.

- If I for one fail to see
the humor in the situation,

there is a time and place
for everything Ms. Romano.

You've missed on both counts.

Fact is the people in this
building are simple folks...

- Schneider, I really
do not need a sermon.

- Come on honey, smile.

You're the one who wanted
our parents to like each other.

- There's a difference
between like and like.

I mean he takes her
out for a cup of coffee

and zoom, right in the sack.

- Zoom. (laughs)
- Barbara.

- Zoom?

He doesn't even have to
spring for dinner and it's zoom?

- If I hear zoom one more time.

- Wait a second,
wait a second Ann.

You don't need to defend us.

We're not criminals, we didn't
do anything wrong last night.

How much trouble
can you get into

handcuffed to the headboard?

- Joke, it was a joke.

That was, it was, it was a joke.

- As a matter of fact, if ya
wanna know how I really feel.


- And furthermore.

- Okay fine, argue
with that logic.

- Dad, you're grounded.

(Barbara laughs)

- Well I give ya an
eight for technique.

Nine for concentration.

10 for zoom.

- 11 for handcuffs?

- [Schneider] Yeah.

- Okay, here they are.

I hope ya like 'em.


Yeah, what?

The eggs too runny?

Not runny enough?

I could put it back on,
I could eat 'em myself.

Could throw 'em out.

Sam, ah come on,
why don't you tell me

or I'll throw 'em on your head.

- Do you ever wonder
why I'm willing to risk

making a fool of myself
with women half my age,

like Melissa?

- Why, why?

Let me think.

Do the words supple,
lubile and tawny

have anything to do with it?

- There's the physical
attraction, of course.

But there's more than that.

I mean the girls that I'm
dating are just looking for fun.

You know there are no
attachments, no commitments,

they don't expect anything.

- Um hmm, but what do they
know about making eggs?

- I don't wanna get married.

- What?

- I don't wanna
get married again

and I'm not ready for
a serious relationship.

And I just wanna be
up front with you about it,

let ya know how I feel.

I, I don't want you to get hurt.


What's so funny?

- I, I don't know.

Sam, for someone who
goes out with all these young,

chicks, that sounded so corny.

Nice, nice, but corny.

Sam listen to me.

Last night was great.

But it didn't
revolutionize my life.

- I know that.

- I like my independence,
I like my business,

I like my life.

I'm not looking to
complicate things.

- So what's the problem?

- There is no problem, Sam.

I mean if you want a
fabulous relationship

with no strings attached,
no complications,

you've got one.


- Deal.

We're gonna settle this
deal with a handshake?


- So, this is
where it all started.

- This linguini
salad is a killer.

- Almost a week ago Sam
took you out for a cup of coffee

and swept you off your feet.

You look very happy.

- I like a good linguini salad.

- Come on, you know what I mean.

You've been seeing Sam
almost every day this week.

- Okay.

Sam makes me
feel giddy and silly.


Oh he buys me flowers,
we go ice skating,

to foreign movies, the pet shop.

- The pet shop?

- Yeah, we stop
by there every day.

Sam is trying to teach
the parrot a dirty word.

- It sounds like fun.

- Oh it is.

And we have sort of an
unusual deal, Sam and I.

We decided that we were
going to see each other

as often as we'd like.

But, we were not gonna

get emotionally
dependent on one another.

He's free to see other people

and I'm free to do the same.

- Umm.

- What's the matter,
you don't approve?

- No, it's just,

I don't know it sounds
like an open marriage

without the marriage.

- Sort of.

- I don't know Mom.

- Oh honey it's great.

It's like being able to eat
all the linguini you want

without getting fat.


- Huh?

Oh uh this relationship
you have with Sam,

is it, is it a little bit open

or all the way, wide open?

- What are you getting at?

- Well Sam, uh.

- Barbara.
- He, he just walked in here

with a girl.

- So, where?

Well she's a
very attractive girl.

Would you pass me
the bread please?

- Pass the bread, that's
all you're gonna say?

- And the butter.

Come on now Barbara,
did you really think

I'd be upset?

- Yes, I did.
- But honey,

this is exactly what
I was talking about.

This is the deal we made.

And I'm glad this happened.

- You're glad it happened?

- Yes, I am glad it
happened, because it shows

that he is taking this deal

as seriously as I
am taking this deal.

Neither one of us is gonna
get stuck into any dead end.

- Mom!
- What?

- You're buttering your hand.

- Barbara, why did we have
to come to this place today?

Why am I so upset?

- Mom you're so...
- Do me a favor,

will you please?

Will you go quietly
and get a check.

I'll meet you in front.

I'm going to the ladies room.

The last thing I want
is for him to see me

with butter on my hands.

- Ann.

- Hi Sam.

- I know you saw us.

Are you upset?

- No, now come on Sam,
why should I be upset?

Yeah, I'm upset.

I'm upset and I'm angry
and I'm stupid and I'm upset.

- I don't know what to say.

- Sam, I'm angry
at me, not at you.

I'm jealous.

Like a school girl.

I'm angry at myself
because I shouldn't be

feeling this way at 40.

- 53 ain't no
picnic either honey.

- Ann I think
you're overreacting.

I, I didn't do anything wrong.

- I know.
- No, no,
we had an agreement.

You understood the situation.

- I did understand
the situation Sam.

It was a great
agreement, it made sense.

And then I buttered my hand
like a piece of pumpernickel

and all my understanding
went out the window.

- Ann.
- Sam, please,

go back to your table.

All bets are off.

I'm canceling my subscription.

I'm renigging, okay?

- No wait a second Ann.

This is the most important thing

that has ever happened to me.

Now we got a problem,
we can work it out.

I'll call you.

- No Sam, don't call me.

I know what you're
going through.

I went through the
same thing myself,

but it was a very long time ago.

- Ann I can't talk
to you about this

in front of the women's room.

It's a thing with me.

- There's nothing
left to say Sam.

- I.

Excuse me.

There's a very cute,
short red head in there.

And would you just tell her
that we can work this thing out,

I'll call her?

- Yeah sure.

She says there's
nothing to work out

and you're just at two
different stages of your lives.

- Wait!

Tell her that the last few
days were so wonderful

that I, I got scared
and I just wanted

to get involved with somebody
at the first opportunity.

And that's all, okay?

Just tell her I'll call.


- She says she won't
answer the phone

and she said that, well you're
making a jerk outta yourself.

- You tell her that she
better answer the phone

or she hasn't seen anything yet.

- You better answer the phone...

- Tell him I believe him.

- She believes you.

- Tell her.

I'll tell her myself.

- Good.

- Sam.

(audience applauds)

("One Day at a Time Theme Song")