One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 8, Episode 3 - The Honeymoon is Over - full transcript

Barbara has trouble adjusting to married life when Mark's old place has community facilities and beautiful single women walking about.

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ You just take it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time, na na na na

♪ One day at time,
one day at a time

♪ One day at a time, na na na na

♪ One day at a time

- Seven, eight,

nine, 10 and you get 11.

And away we go.


- Gin.


- You can't call gin.

You can't.

According to the rules of
the Federation Internationale

des Gin Rummy,
you cannot holler gin

when your opponent
is still sorting his cards.

It's a 20-point
penalty, I get 20 points.


- What's the score now?

- The score is 97 to 20.


I can't finish this
game right now.

I gotta go around
doing some work,

but I'll teach you
some more tomorrow.

- Oh, Ms. R, I don't think
they're gonna stop by.

- [Ann] Nah, I guess not.

- Who are we talking
about, Barbara and Mark?

- Yeah, I thought they'd stop
by here on their way home.

- (Chuckling) Ms. Romano,
they ain't gonna stop by here.

They just come back
from their honeymoon.

They're gonna go home and
practice what they just learned.


- Schneider, you
shouldn't be talking

that way in front of Ms. R.

- Yeah, I guess
so, I'll see you later.

- [Ann] Okey-doke.

- But five'll get
you 10 that you

ain't gonna see those kids.

- Mom, hi.


- Hi, how are you?

- How's Grandma, how's
Julie, how's Schneider?

- Oh, well, Grandma
and Julie are just fine.

Schneider, it all depends on
where the doorknob got him.



- I was only kidding.

So, how's my
little married lady?

- I'm fine, Schneider,
maybe a little tired.

- You animal.


- Thank you.

- Come on, come
on, sit down, sit down.

I wanna hear all
about the honeymoon.

You've been gone for a week.

- Did you take any pictures?

- Alex.

- I know where you
can get them developed.


- So are you guys
really gonna live

in Mark's rooming house?

- Yeah, well, it's
all we can afford

until I get my dentistry degree.

- And I'll work
until that happens.

- And then Barbara
goes back to college

to get her own degree, right?

- Are those our plans
or your plans, Mom?

- Well, a little subliminal
suggestion never hurt.

Okay, your plans?

- Where?

- Where what?

- Where can I get those
pictures developed?

- Stop it.

We are going to our first
home and start our new lives

together, and I can't wait.

- Wait a second, now,
I buy gossamer wings

and I buy starry eyes,
but I've seen Mark's place.

It's like living
in a sweat sock.


- It's a beautiful room.

And I'll get to know Mark's
friends a little bit better.

Jeff, Hal and Eloise.

- (Chuckles) Jeff,
Hal and Sexpot.


- Do I know this Eloise?

- Yeah, you met
her at the wedding.

See, they all live in the house.

The, uh, sexpot, is
engaged to an oboe player.

- No no, they broke up.

- Oh.

- Whoa, there's nothing
worse than a broken sexpot.


- Hey, you guys
want some coffee?

- I'll make it, I'm
getting real good at it.

- No, Alex, thank you, really,

but we really do
have to get going.

- We just couldn't
get back in town

without seeing you first.

- Well, we appreciate it.

- We didn't even hear
about the honeymoon trip.

- She was gentle with me.


You know, I just realized,
you are officially empowered

to act as my mother-in-law.

- Oh, well, in that case,
how about considering

Barbara going back to college?

- Bye.
- Bye.

- [Barbara] We'll call
you later, okay, bye-bye.

- [Ann] Bye-bye.

- Well, he we are,
home sweet home.

- Mm-hmm, this is the real
beginning of our lives together.

I mean, the minute we
walk through that door,

it starts.

Are you sorry?

- No, no I'll never be sorry.

Do you want me to carry
me across the threshold?

- You're not supposed to ask.

- Oh yeah, right.


- Oh stop it, this is
supposed to be romantic.

- You know something, I'm
almost afraid to go in there.

I don't see how anything is
going to top that honeymoon.

- Well let's go in and try.

- Okay.


- I think our
drawbridge is down.


- I knew they'd do something.

- Your friends?

- Our friends now.

It's just their way
of saying welcome.

No corny signs or
flowers or champagne,

nothing sentimental or costly,

just wham, a door on
the floor, isn't that great?

- Terrific.


- Welcome to
Buckingham Palace West.

- For some reason, it
seems a little smaller.

- It is, it shrank
in the last rain.


You know, I forgot to tell you.

We have to share this closet.

- That's one of the nice
parts about being married.

- Yeah, as soon as I get
rid of some of this stuff.

This is Jeff's, and
this is Eloise's.

- How'd Eloise get in there?

- Oh, she lives next door.

Oh, they'll get
this all cleaned out.

You know something,
honey, I'm not exactly an idiot.

I know this is not the kinda
place to bring a bride to,

but for now it's all I got.

- It's all we've got.

And I love it.

- Well don't overdo it.

I'd be satisfied with it
doesn't make me throw up.


- Okay, it doesn't
make me throw up.

- Don't, uh, whoa.


Don't sit in that chair.

- (Laughing) I noticed.

- Barbara Royer, I love you.

(piano playing)

- Honey, Mark.

- I love you too.


- No, Mark, what is that?

- Tchaikovsky.


- That is not the answer I want.

Why is that piano playing at
one o'clock in the morning?

- Oh, it's Eloise.

She has a big concert coming up.

It's very important,
she has to practice.

- Mark, Mark Royer,
if you go back to sleep

I'm gonna pour hot
maple syrup in your ear.


- One week and
you've gone kinky.


- Mark, please,
honey, do something.

You know, I gotta get up and
go to work tomorrow morning.

- Honey, we all do things
for each other in this house.

You know, Eloise has got
this very important concert,

and she's carrying a lot
of credits this semester,

so whenever she finds
a little time to practice,

the rest of us sort
of turn the other ear.

- Mark, honey, do something.

- I am, I'm sleeping.



- Oh, you're home.

Welcome back.

Hi, you must be Barbara.

On the other hand,
if you're not Barbara,

you'd better get outta
here, he's a married man.


- Why, hi, Jeff.

- Hi, Babs, welcome home.

Hey, hey, Rubinstein, cool it.

They're home.

- Oh, I thought I
heard voices in here.

Welcome to the zoo, Babs.

Hello, Marcus, you rascal.

- Hi, Hal, where's Eloise?

- Right here.

Hey, guys, don't leave me out.

- There she is.

- Hi, Babs, welcome home, hi.

Hi, Marcus.

- Hi, cutie.

- Hey look, I tried to talk
them out of the door thing.

I mean, I wanted to
short-sheet the beds,

but male chauvinism
reared its head

and they outvoted me.

- Honey, shouldn't we
get up or something?

- No no no, this is fine,
we do this all the time.

- Oh, Marcus, old Fish Sticks

gave me a D-minus on my midterm.

I mean, I'm telling
you, the man is twisted.

- Twisted.

- Fish Sticks is Dr. Troutman
of the philosophy department.

Oh, Eloise, so what'd
you draw in the recital?

- Oh yeah, I play the
number three spot,

which falls on the
fourth of the month,

which adds up to... - Seven.

- So I figure, if I play
Mettier's Ninth Etude,

well that adds
up to a total of...
- 18.

- 16.

- 16.

- And that's a really high...

- High-energy
number, yeah right.

- Who's hungry?

Babs, do you want
something to eat?

- To tell the truth, I gotta
get up in the morning.

- Oh, listen, while
I'm over here,

let me show this to you.

This section up
here is mine, okay.

Right over here, this is
where Eloise keeps her yogurt.

Don't have to worry
about Hal, he never eats.

You can just put your
stuff on the bottom.

Here, a little honeymoon
treat from Eloise.

- No, really, I have to get up.

- You got a spoon?

Well, so tell me, what
happened to the lady in red?

- Oh, she flunked out.

Gone, she took Cletus with her.

- She took Cletus with her?

- Yeah.

- Who's the lady in red?

- Oh, it's real complicated,
I'll explain it later.

- Oh, how about my wooden leg?

- Your wooden leg, that's
about as lame as you can get.

(everyone talking)


(phone dialing)

(phone ringing)

- Hello, I'm sorry,
this is not a machine.

At the sound of the
beep, please speak clearly

and you will be answered
by a real human being.


Are you ready, beep?

- (Laughing) Oh, hi,
could I please speak

to Barbara Coop, Royer?

- Oh yeah, sure, hold
on, I'll take you to her.

It's for you.

- Who is it?

- I don't know, but
she sounds kinda cute.


- Hello.

- Hi, sweetheart.

- Mom, hi!

Gosh, well, I tried
calling you yesterday,

but well, I guess you
must have been out.

- Darling, I hope I'm
not interrupting anything.

I just, I had to talk to you.

I'm going insane with curiosity,
how's everything going?

- Oh it's terrific.

Well you know Mark's friends,

they're just, they're terrific.

- Oh good, was that one of them?

- Yeah, yeah, that was Jeff.

See, he's a dental student too,

and he and Mark talk
dentistry all the time,

and it's just terrific
to hear them.


- Terrific.

- Yeah, oh, and I put up
curtains over the windows,

and I straightened
the place up a little bit.

And Mark's gonna fix the
hot plate so both burners work,

and Mark says I fit
in with all his friends.

I mean, it's
just, it's terrific.


- Well, darling,
whose phone is this?

- Ours, well, everybody's.

See, there's a
phone out in the hall,

and Hal rigged up this
cord that's about a mile long,

and like when you
get a phone call,

they just kinda bring the
receiver to you, you know.

It's just, it's terrific.


- Doesn't sound like you
have a hell of a lot of privacy.

- Oh I know, but
they're all friends.

I mean, it's like family.

- You okay?

- Mom, I'm terrific, honest.

Everything is just fantastic.

- Good, well that does
beat terrific, doesn't it?

- Right.

Oh, Mom, we're gonna have,

Mark and I are gonna have
you and Alex over for dinner,

okay, maybe Schneider too?

- Uh, darling,
is that the radio?

Could you turn that down please?

- No, see that's Eloise.

She's rehearsing, she's
doing a concert, you know.

She's also, she's
a terrif, great, girl.

- Well, it really
sounds like you're part,

part of the group.

- Yeah, well, it's really fun.

I am having such a good time.

Everything is just
terrific (groans).


- [Jeff] Time's up, Babs!

- Mom, I have to go, okay.

- Uh, I don't, why?

- Well, because, see
there's a timer out there,

and we only get three
minutes, so I have to go.

Don't worry about me, okay?

- I love, I love, bye.

- Yeah, yeah, she loves you.

Yeah, bye.



- Hi, Ms. R.

- Hi, Alex, how was your day?

- Oh, terrific.


- Don't worry,
things'll work out.


- Babs, hi.

- Hi.

- Hey, you want some yogurt?

- No, thanks.

Eloise, aren't you cold?

I mean, a towel.

- Oh no, a towel's
just for modesty.

Other people's
that is, not mine.

I have to practice
the piano naked.

- Naked?

- Oh yeah, starkers.

Look, Babs, it's
really important

that I feel my music right
down to the bare pores.


Which reminds me,
Marcus left a pair

of old jogging shorts at
my place, you need them?

- No rush.

You and um, Marcus,
did you ever date?

- Oh yeah, a couple times
when we were both stuck.

- Of course, I mean, I'm
not dumb enough to think

that Mark didn't have a
life before he met me, right?

- Hey, everybody
gets around, right?

- Right.

- Hey, did you find out about
the strawberry allergy yet?

- The what?

- Strawberry allergy.

One time I fed Marcus
some strawberries, right?

He broke out in
these little red blisters

like all over his back and
his arms and everything.

It was really disgusting.

Well anyway, Jeff
was premed at the time.

He dragged Marcus into
class for show and tell.

It was so funny.


Well anyway, the
moral of the story is,

don't feed that
boy strawberries.

Well, back to the mines.

Oh, oh, Babs, but if he
does ever break out again,

just rub baby oil
and calamine lotion

all over his body,
it works great.




- Hi, honey.

- Hello, Marcus.

I just found out about your
strawberry allergy, Marcus.

Did you enjoy the cure, Marcus?

- I'll go out and come in again.


- Mark, get back
here, that's ridiculous.

- Hi, honey.

- Okay, I'm angry, can we talk?

- If this is gonna
be our first fight,

I wanna tape it for posterity.

- I'm serious.

- Okay, but just a
discussion, I haven't got time

for a fight, I've gotta
get right back to the lab.

I left my notes here somewhere.

(piano playing)

- We can start right there.

She's got a pair of
your old jockey shorts.

- Jogging shorts.


I'll go get them.

- No you won't, not while
Lady Godiva's at the piano.

- My jogging shorts are
over there because she has

the only washing
machine on this floor.

Just like we all
use this refrigerator.

- Yes but, Mark, can't you
do something about that?

I mean, they take
such advantage of you.

They borrow money
that we can't afford.

- They lent me money
when I needed it,

and Eloise used to
make us all sandwiches.

And Jeff for a while had
the only car in the group,

which we all used.

We share each other's clothes.

- Not Eloise, she
doesn't bother.


- I gotta go.

- Mark.

Eloise says you dated her.

- [Mark] Oh yeah,
a couple times,

but it didn't mean anything.

- What'd you do?

- [Mark] Nothing.

- Nothing?

- [Mark] Nothing.

- You had a date
with Miss Towel,

and all you did was nothing?


- Yeah, but it didn't
mean anything.

- It, what's it?

What is it, what does that mean?

- No it, nothing.

I love you, I gotta go, bye-bye.

- Mark, Mark.

They call be Babs.

- I know, they call me Marcus.


- [TV Announcer]
Tomorrow is gonna be one

of those days to phone in sick,

break out the old picnic
basket and head out...

- Ms. Romano.

- Schneider, I really wish
sometimes you would knock.

You know, I'm
listening to the news.

- Oh, well, it's
gotta be a rerun,

it's starting to
sprinkle outside.


Ms. Romano, you got a
lot to be thankful for anyway.

- Anyway?

- Something I really
admire about you,

you really, you
really can take it,

you know what I mean.

I mean, when Rome burned,
you don't fiddle around.

You move to Scranton.


Maybe it's that great peasant
stock you come from, you know?

- Schneider, why don't
you just tell me what it is?

- Why don't you tell me?

Oh, look at the bravery
in that statement.

We're talking guts city here,
the woman has got guts.

- Schneider, Schneider, come on.

- All right.

Your daughter.

- What?

- Has left her husband.

- Oh, that Julie, not again.

- No no no, we're
not talking Julie.

- Barbara?


Barbara left Mark?

- I have not.

- You did.

- [Barbara] I did not.

- Did so.

Number one, you took a taxi.

A happy young wife
does not squander

her husband's money on a taxi.

Number two, a happy young
wife at 11:30 at night is home

slipping into something
more comfortable

than a sleazy taxi, so you did.


- Schneider.

- Number three, a happy
young wife does not

push the elevator button,
wait one second, curse,

kick the doors
and stomp upstairs.

She did, she left.

- I walked up the
stairs, thank you,

and I did not leave Mark.

- Schneider, would
you excuse us?

- Sure, what'd you do?


Oh, all right, okay.

But I'm telling you something,
you got a real problem here.

Listen to me, an
inexperienced young wife,

when she first leaves her
husband for the first time,

she never packs a bag.

Ergo, not to mention
ipso facto, if you'll notice,

Barbara has no bag packed.

It was hubby, vaminos, me hubby.


- Okay, what are you doing
here at 11 o'clock at night

kicking the elevator
with no suitcase?

- It's that place, Mom.

All those people, I mean,
they're nice enough, but

they never leave us alone.

And they call me Babs.

- They oughta be horsewhipped.

- It's not funny.

Mark lets them
wander in and out.

They never leave us alone.

They borrow our
money, they use us.

And Eloise, she wanders
around in a towel telling me how

to rub Mark's back when he
breaks out from strawberries

that I didn't even know about.


- I see.

- I see?

That's all I get?

- Uh-huh, and I think that's
all it should be right now.

You may not realize it,

but you just came
running home to Mom.

- I did not.

I took a cab.


- Do you know what your
grandmother said to me

when I came running
to her when your father

did something I didn't like?

She said, go home and
attend to your marriage.

- Grandma said that?

- Mm-hmm, just like that.

She said, I had a brand-new
husband who didn't know

the first thing about being
a brand-new husband.

He was bound to do some stupid,

un-thought-out things.

You can't take away
the man's inherent right

to occasional stupidity.

- That doesn't
sound like Grandma,

sounds more like you.

- Barbara,

go home and attend
to your marriage.

- Yeah.

Oh, God, the note,
I forgot the note.

- Oh no, what did you say?

- Oh, something stupid
about I was coming over here

to spend the night with...

- My mother.
- My mother.

- I love you, thank you.

(door closing)

(piano playing)

- Oh, you decided not to
stay at your mother's, huh?


- You read the note?

- I always read
notes that are stuck

to the wall with
a butcher knife.


I'm waiting for your boy.

I've got this dentistry
demo tomorrow

that just won't back up.

- Hi, Babs, decided not to
stay at your mother's, right?


Listen, I'll replace
this with my dictionary.

My grandma says dictionaries
are bad for you anyway.

Full of dirty words.

- When?

- When what?

- When are you gonna replace it?

- Well, it's my book.

- It's my chair.

- No, it's my chair.


Something wrong, Babs?

- No, everything's just fine.

Eloise, stop.

Yes, something is wrong.

Anybody here ever been married?

- Well, not officially.


- Well, I'm married.

I am married to Mark,
Mark is married to me.

And if there's any reading
of private notes, we'll do it.

If this isn't my chair,
I'll get a new one.

If that's the
community refrigerator,

we're gonna put
it out in the hall.

And if there's any
running around half-naked

in front of Mark, I'll do it.

And I'll find out about
my own strawberries

with my own husband, okay?

And this, over here,

this is our private bathroom,

not the gas station
down on the corner,

and I work all
day, and I am tired

or I wouldn't be
yelling like this,

and why doesn't anybody
ever knock on that door,

or call me Barbara, or
Barb, or Beulah even,

just don't call me
Babs, I hate Babs.

And who the hell
is that ugly old man

hanging over my bed?


- Way to go, Beulah.


- I guess we needed that, huh?

- I always liked
this girl, Marcus.

- I'm sorry.

- Babs, Barbara, the piano,

you didn't say anything
about the piano.

- I've said enough.

- Well, look, I won't play
past 10 o'clock, all right?

- Listen, make it 9:30
and we'll call off the plot

to starch your towel.


- Beulah, remember this.

We're thoughtless,
but we're lovable.

I'm sorry.

Talk to you later.

- Me too.


- Help me, I can't tell
what you're thinking.

Are you mad at me?

- You just blasted my friends.

In a way you told me off too,

like maybe I should
have noticed how hard

this has been on you.

Well, you know how I feel.

I am so proud of you.

That really took a lot of guts.

And it's true.

I should have noticed.

It's also very sexy to
see you that fired up.


Oh you know,
there's one more thing

we better clear up right now.

- What's that?

- Come here.

See that?

It goes all the way through.

How do you think we used
to watch Eloise practice?


- Tomorrow, we
nail him to the wall.

- Would you consider hinges?

- No.

- Well kiss me.

- No.



("One Day at a Time"
instrumental theme music)