One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 8, Episode 22 - Sonny Boy - full transcript
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Hi, Ms. Romano.
- Good morning, Schneider.
- You know, uh, some day,
you're gonna get
stuck in that position
and I'm gonna have to
carry you around in a bucket.
- Fine.
You have the mail?
- Yeah, I have the mail.
- Put it on the
table for me please?
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- I suppose you know
that this Saturday night
is the father and
son night at the lodge.
- Yup, yup, yup, I know that.
- It's no big deal,
but, you know...
Anybody ever tell
you that that exercise
is not particularly ladylike?
- Once.
Prince Phillip.
So tell me what goes on at
father and son night, Schneider.
- Oh, they just eat
a lot of hotdogs,
and they laugh a lot,
and they punch each other in
the arm, you know. (chuckles)
I'd really like to
do that just once,
punch my son in the arm,
but I just hang around
and watch the whole thing.
I run the spotlight for 'em.
I been doin' it for
years, you know.
- (yawns) Morning.
- [Ann] Morning.
- Oh, any mail from Barb?
- No.
Anyway, she's
gonna write, she'll call.
She's on an expense account.
(chuckles)
- So Schneider, no advice
about how I shouldn't let
my wife run off to
Chicago with another man?
- Who ran off to Chicago
with another man?
- Barbara.
She went on that
buying trip with her boss.
You know that.
- Oh yeah, Barbara. She
went with her boss, right?
- (scoffs) Schneider's
a little unhappy
about father and
son night at the lodge.
- Oh, I'm not upset.
I just remember
the good old days.
My dad used to take
me to father and son night
at the lodge back in New Jersey.
It was the greatest
and most touching thing
I ever did with him.
I tell you, when he
punched me in the arm,
(chuckles) he
left a welt that big.
Ah, the man loved me.
Couldn't say it
so he punched it.
(chuckles)
We used to win
first prize, you know.
- At arm punching?
- No, no, we did a
little routine, you know.
- What routine?
- Oh, it's just, it's just a
little routine, you know.
- I don't believe
him, he's being shy.
- All right, if you
have to know,
it was the old
Sonny Boy routine.
Yeah, I'd sit on
dad's knee, you know,
I'd sit on his knee and well,
we'd do the routine, you know.
If I do say so myself,
brought the house down.
- I'll bet.
- So why don't you
ask Alex to go with you?
- Mark, you think I haven't
already thought of that?
- So you thought of it.
Have you asked him?
- (sighs) You don't ask a kid
who's just lost his own
father not that long ago
to go to a father and
son night with another guy
who's not even his own father.
- Ah, come on, Schneider.
Alex likes being with you.
He loves when you take
him fishing and camping.
- Yeah, and how about all
the advice about the ladies?
- Yeah, I've heard
some of that advice.
No father can warp a boy's
thinking any better than you do.
- All right, let me tell you
something, okay, Ms. Romano?
Now a lot of kid's Alex's age,
they gotta get all their
misinformation out of the gutter,
but not Alex.
He's got me.
- Schneider, go
ahead and ask him.
(sighs) Come on.
- Well, you know,
as a matter of fact,
I came up here
today thinking maybe,
maybe I will go
ahead and ask him,
but only if you think that
enough time has passed.
- Of course. Ask him.
You're one of his heroes.
- I'll get him.
- Wait a second, wait a minute.
- Alex!
- Maybe he won't
like it, Ms. Romano.
It's just a bunch of guys.
- Don't be silly, Schneider.
- Schneider has something
he'd like to ask you.
- Oh, sure. Hi, Schneider.
- Hi, Al. How are you?
Listen, it's not
important or nothin'.
Saturday night is father and
son night over at the lodge,
and I was wonderin', you know,
if you'd like to come with me.
It's not important, believe me.
- Sure.
- I mean, come
with me as my son.
I mean, all the guys would
know you're not my son.
I mean, they do the
substitute thing all the time,
you know, with nieces
and nephews and stuff.
It's not a big deal, believe me.
- (chuckles) Sure.
- We could do a little
routine, you know.
- Sure, sounds great. (chuckles)
What routine?
- Oh, just a little routine.
- It's a routine that Schneider
did with his own father.
- It's probably funny.
- With great touches
of sentiment, you know.
- Okay.
- Face it, Schneider, you
got yourself a substitute son.
- Listen, Alex, are
you really sure?
I mean, do you really
feel sure about it?
- Yes, Schneider, I'm sure.
- Okay, all right. (laughs)
I'm gonna call Beerbelt.
- Okay.
- He goes every year with
his kid, you know? (chuckles)
(door opens)
(grunts)
Rehearsal time!
Alex!
Sure you wanna go
through with this now?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm sure.
I had a couple of
ideas. Okay, Schneider?
- Sure, a father never
closes his mind to his son.
What do you got? Shoot.
- See, there's this new
song out by Blood and Goo.
It's all about parents and kids.
All right, take a listen, okay?
(brooding electronic music)
So you and I come out,
and then we sing with the tape,
and then we do this.
- Yeah, that's terrific.
That really is kinda now,
kinda wow, you know.
I tell ya, truthfully, see,
the musical tastes of the
guys down at the lodge
is not quite that advanced.
I mean, their idea of totally
awesome is Lawrence Welk.
- Ah, it was worth
a shot. (chuckles)
- It's worth a
whole firing squad.
- Here's a routine that I
used to do with my dad, okay.
- Okay.
- I get a chair,
and I introduce us,
and I come out, and I sit down.
And then you come out.
Oh! (chuckles)
I almost forgot.
- [Alex] What?
- Here's the best part.
Here, yeah.
Here, you put this on.
Go ahead, it's already
had its rabies shot.
- Are you kiddin', there
isn't a 15 year old kid
in the Western hemisphere
who'd wear that thing.
- We're talkin' show biz!
Yeah, now you're my little boy!
- Yes, I see the
family resemblance.
- Wait.
- [Schneider] Come
on, you look great.
- I look like a rerun
of Shirley Temple.
Maybe I could wear a mask.
- Come on, come on.
We got a lot of
work to do here now.
Okay, now where it
says sing, you sing,
where it says talk, you talk.
You stand right here.
Mark, can you play a
C chord on the piano?
- Yeah, sure. What key is it in?
- Hey, you ready?
- Yeah, go ahead.
- Okay.
Hi, daddy.
- Hi, Sonny.
(C-chord plays)
♪ Climb up on my knee
♪ Now you sing
it, you don't say it
♪ Mm, what's my name ♪ Sonny boy
- Schneider, why don't
I know my own name?
- Because you're
wearing that wig.
- You know, Mark, in
show biz, we have a saying.
You don't have to wear
baggy pants to be a clown.
Now we're gonna do this again.
We got a lot of work
here, a lot of rehearsin'.
I wanna have this thing
as smooth as a baby's nose
by the time Ms. Romano
gets home from work.
All right, let's go.
Come on, come on.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, Sonny.
♪ Climb upon my knee
- That's the elevator.
She's here, that's the elevator!
Come on!
Get over to the
piano, Mark, come on!
Let's show what a little
hard work will do, right?
Okay, positions,
everyone. Come on.
(clears throat)
And now fellow Brother Beavers,
we are happy to present
Dwayne F. Schneider
and his son Alex!
(grand piano music)
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, Sonny.
♪ Climb upon my
knee - What's my name?
♪ Sonny boy - How old am I?
♪ Oh, you're only three.
- What's my name?
♪ Sonny boy ♪
You've no way of knowing
♪ I've no way of showing
♪ What you mean to me
- What's my name?
♪ Sonny boy
- Give me the
weather report, daddy.
♪ When there are gray skies
♪ I don't mind the gray skies
- What do I do to the
gray skies, daddy?
♪ You make them
blue - What's my name?
♪ Sonny boy
- You want me to promise you
anything when I'm all grown up
and you're a doddering
old wreck, daddy?
- Oh, yes.
- What?
♪ When I'm old and gray, dear
♪ Promise you won't stray, dear
♪ I love you so -
What's my name?
♪ Sonny boy
(laughs)
- Yeah!
Wasn't he great!
- Ouch.
- Great hardly describes it.
- Aw, thanks a lot, Ms. Romano.
We're gonna win that
contest hands down.
We're gonna win first prize,
and you know
what first prize is?
- What?
- A trip down to the bottom
of the Grand Canyon.
- They push you out of a plane.
- We go down by mule
train, father and son.
It's somethin' I've
always wanted to do.
We get to pick our own mules.
- Hey, that's terrific.
- Yeah.
- Listen, can I leave
the piano here?
We've still got a lot of
rehearsing to do, all right?
I'll be back in a while
with a song and a smile.
You were great. Wasn't he great?
- Yes.
♪ I love you so ♪ Sonny Boy
(laughs)
- Ouch.
- Oh, you're really
doing a nice thing, Alex.
But it's not going
to embarrass you
getting up in front of
all those people, is it?
- Naw, as long as nobody
from school sees me
in that stupid wig. (chuckles)
(phone rings)
Schneider's a
terrific guy, it'll be fun!
City zoo, Mr. Fox speaking.
Katie! Katie, hi, hi!
How come you, uh, how come, uh,
uh, hold on a second okay?
Katie Westenguard.
- Katie Westenguard?
- Where've you been, Annie?
Katie Westenguard is
possibly the greatest girl
who ever walked on this planet.
- Whatever happened to
Joanne what's-her-name?
- Oh, she grossed Alex out.
She wore bell bottoms
to the school dance!
- Well, gag me with a spoon.
Uh, I have a favor
to ask of you, Alex.
I have clients that call here.
I really don't want
them to hear "City zoo,
"Mr. Fox speaking."
- Guess what just happened.
- Did you hear what
I said about Mr. Fox?
- Yeah.
Katie invited me to go
to her cabin with her!
Katie Westenguard!
I don't believe it.
- Alex, Alex, sit down.
Listen, take some advice
from an old campaigner.
When you're talking to a parent,
you don't start with Katie has
a cabin and she invited me.
- Mark...
- First thing you tell a parent
is how many chaperones
are gonna be there.
And then, very off hand,
you mention the cabin.
- Are you quite through?
- No, one more.
Tell them you're going to
be sleeping on the couch.
Her brother, the priest,
sleeps on the other couch.
- Very cute.
- Excuse me, excuse me.
I forgot my accoutrements.
- Schneider, guess what.
Katie Westenguard
called and she wants me
to go up to her folks' cabin
with her and some other kids!
- Katie Westenguard
finally called you?
She finally called
you! I can't believe that.
That's terrific!
- Her folks said she
had a choice of guys
to take up to the cabin
Saturday night and Sunday,
and she picked me!
I can't believe it.
- Which Saturday
night and Sunday?
- This weekend!
Oh, come on, don't worry.
There'll be other
kids from school,
and her folks are
goin' and everything.
- Alex, you've got the father
son night with Schneider.
- No, no, no, wait a minute.
She said this Saturday.
It's the same night, isn't it?
I told her I'd go.
- Without checking with me?
You're not allowed to do that.
And besides which, you
made a promise to Schneider.
Call her back.
- Call her back?
Call her back? Schneider.
- Ah, gee kid, they're
already printing the programs.
- How can they be
printing up the programs?
I only said I'd do
it this morning.
- Alex, come on.
She asked you once, she'll
ask you some other time.
- Yeah.
I mean, Warren Beatty,
he doesn't go up to the
cabin the first time the girl calls.
(chuckles)
- Look, if I asked you, and I
told you her folks are goin',
which they are, would
you have said it was okay?
- Probably, but
that's not the point.
- Look, if I call her now
and tell her I can't go,
she'll think I'm rejecting her.
And once you reject a woman,
they shut down
the print out on you,
and they erase your
tape, and you're finished!
- Is that Aristotle or Plato?
- The hell with Aristotle!
- Alex.
- How would you like to
miss a terrific weekend
with a fantastic girl
just so you can sit
in some dumb lodge with
a bunch of dumb old guys
who think they're a
bunch of dumb beavers
and wear a dumb wig and
say, "What's my name?"
- Alex!
Alex, you get down
here right now.
Now! Move it!
Don't saunter, I said move it!
How dare you do
that to that man?
- I'm sorry, but you
don't know how much
this weekend means to me.
- And you have no
concept of how much
this father son
night means to him.
- Oh, come on, Ms. R, the
lodge has those things every year.
Katie's cabin with Katie in it
is enough to blow your mind.
- You really don't realize
how much you've
hurt that man, do you?
He has done a
thousand things for you!
A thousand things for you!
He asked you to
do one little thing.
You demean him, you
make fun of his friends,
you make fun of his lodge,
you tell him his
routine is silly!
Are you proud of yourself?
- Of course not,
I'm not proud of...
- I can tell you
what's right and wrong
'til I am blue in the face,
but you are the one who's
gonna have to figure out
whether you care
about Schneider or not.
You're the one who's
going to have to figure out
where the integrity lies.
I really hate
disliking you, Alex.
You just stay here
and think about it.
- Schneider, can I
see you a minute?
- I'm very proud
of my membership in that lodge.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Come to steal the piano?
- Yeah, I thought
I'd get it outta here
without makin' a
big dramatic scene.
Alex in bed?
- Yeah.
- Good.
- Didn't he call you?
- Yeah, he called, and he said
he'd go to the thing with me,
but he kinda sounded like I did
when I had to bring
back all those spoons.
- Spoons?
- Yeah.
When I was 11, I used to go
to this soda
fountain all the time,
and I don't know why,
but every day I went,
I took a spoon, you know.
Swiped the spoon.
Well, of course my
father, he found 'em,
and he sent me back, you know,
made me take 'em back.
So I go into the soda
fountain, I tell the owner,
"Hi, Mr. Dorphmeyer.
"I'm really sorry for
swipin' these 300 spoons."
- So no Sonny Boy, huh?
- Nah.
- Guys, please,
either talk louder,
or don't talk at all.
How many spoons?
(chuckles)
- I tell you, Ms. Romano,
in the vast panoply of life,
what's one spoon more or less?
Or a Sonny Boy, or a lodge?
It's just one vast
gossamer crock.
- I think that means he
came to get the piano.
- Mm-hmm, so you're giving up.
Alex told me he called you.
- Yeah, well, I told
him to forget about it.
- Okay, no Alex.
How about Mark?
- Mark who?
- You don't understand.
- Come on, Schneider,
you're 47, Mark's in his 20s.
You could have
a child Mark's age.
- I'm 42.
- Whatever.
- 43 tops.
- Right.
Come on, Mark, be a sport.
It's nice.
- Does nothing for my eyes.
- You're spinnin' your
wheels, Ms. Romano.
- Schneider,
look, it's important.
- Let me try to explain
somethin' to you, okay?
(sighs) You don't
understand this,
but the routine only works
if Alex and I do
it together, see?
If Alex and I do
it, it's kinda like
when me and my
dad used to do it.
You know, I think
of Alex as my, uh...
Well, anyway, thanks a lot.
(phone rings)
- I'll get it.
Hello.
Barb! What are
you doin' up so late?
- Give her our love.
- I will. No, I'm
eating a sandwich.
- I'm sorry,
Schneider. I really am.
- Yeah, well, I'm sorry, too,
but it's no great big
earth-shattering thing
like the sinking
of the Hindenburg.
- Goodnight.
- Hi.
- Hi, Alex. Why don't you help
me lean on this piano, huh?
- Aren't we gonna
need it for rehearsal?
- Nope.
- How come?
- (sighs) Look,
you said all the right
things when you called.
You know, you offered, okay.
But you offered
with a dead voice.
Behind every dead
voice there's a dead offer.
- Yeah?
Wanna talk about a dead voice,
you should have heard
me telling Katie I couldn't go.
- Well, why don't you
call her in the morning
and tell her you're
goin'? (grunts)
- Schneider, did you
ever want to be with a girl
so much that you get mad at
everything that gets in the way?
- Roughly 4000 times.
I think these wheels are jammed.
- That's why I yelled at you.
- Why, 'cause the
wheels are jammed?
Will you get on the
piano and lean, please?
Come on.
- Don't you want
to talk about it?
- Look, you said you were sorry.
And you said that you wish
you hadn't said what you said.
Okay, I understand. Case closed.
Would you please
lean on the piano.
- You know what Ms. R said?
- Yeah, she said, "Tell
Schneider get the piano
"out of the living room."
Will you give me a hand?
- She said I'd better figure
out if I liked you or not.
That's why I'm
going to be sitting
on your lap tomorrow night
asking you what my name is.
Okay, I said it with a
dead voice. Wouldn't you?
Have you ever seen
Katie Westenguard?
She's fantastic!
- (sniffs) Alex?
- Yeah?
- A favor.
Will you come over here?
Will you help me
with the piano, please?
Not that way. Back in.
We're rehearsing at nine
o'clock in the morning.
All right, not too
far, not too far!
(jaunty piano music)
(mimics shakers)
- Schneider.
Schneider!
Schneider!
- Ms. Romano!
(plays piano) (groans)
- Schneider, it's
Saturday morning,
I wanted to sleep late.
- Well, didn't Alex tell you?
We're gonna be
rehearsing this morning.
See, we had a nice,
nice long talk last night,
and he said he was
sorry, and I believed him!
I mean, you can really tell
when a kid's really sorry.
(groans)
- Hi. Ready?
- [Schneider] Yeah, okay.
We can skip the wig, okay?
- Have fun.
- (chuckles) Thanks.
- Tonight's the night, kid.
Show business, right? (chuckles)
The smell of the grease
paint, the roar of the Beavers.
Let's go!
Okay. (clears throat)
- You ready?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Hi, Daddy.
(chuckles)
- Gimme a smile, see.
Gimme a nice smile 'cause
I gotta see some teeth.
Teeth, I wanna see some teeth.
Go ahead.
- Hi, Daddy!
- Hi, Sonny!
♪ Climb upon my
knee - What's my name?
♪ Sonny Boy - How old am I?
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah, sure.
Fine, start again.
Hi, Daddy!
- Hi, Sonny!
♪ Climb upon my
knee - What's my name?
♪ Katie Westenguard
- You know what's
happening here?
- Start again. Hi, Daddy.
- I'll tell you what's
happening here, see.
You got somethin' on your mind,
and you're not professional
enough to cover.
- No, no, no, no, Schneider.
I'm okay, really.
- Okay?
- Hey, pal, okay is just
not good enough, right?
I mean, I know
there's a lot of people
who think this is
a nothing routine,
but it's gotta have split
second timing, right?
Okay.
Ms. Romano!
Sorry, kid, this is
very important to me.
I don't think I can use ya.
Ms. Romano!
- No, Schneider, wait a minute.
I'm okay, I'm fine, really!
- Lookit, I just saw
what you were doin'...
Ms. Romano, (clears throat)
gonna let this kid go with
Katie what's-her-name
'cause I am not going
to embarrass myself
in front of my lodge brothers.
- He says I'm
thinking about Katie
so I'm not gonna do a good job.
- Here, watch this. Go ahead.
- Are you ready?
- Yeah.
- Hi, Daddy!
- Hi, Sonny.
♪ Climb upon my
knee - What's my name?
- You ever see anything
so rotten in your life?
- Sounds fine to me.
- See?
- I don't believe
you, Ms. Romano.
I mean, a professional
could cover up a broken heart,
but an amateur can't,
and he's an amateur.
I'm sorry, kid.
Why don't you call the
girl before it's too late?
- You sure you know what
you're doing, Schneider?
- I can't believe
that I came this close
to making a fool out of myself
in front of the entire
Brotherhood of Beavers.
What are you standin'
there for, Alex?
Go ahead and call her.
(clears throat)
- You're not fooling anybody.
You know that, Schneider.
- (stammers) Go ahead, what?
- Alex is getting
his own way on this.
- Wrong.
- You're a pushover.
You made this
big terrific sacrifice.
Big deal.
I believe what
you've really done
is lessen Alex's
respect for you.
- You're wrong.
- You taught him he
can get his own way
any time he wants to.
- You're wrong.
- When he makes a
commitment he should honor it.
- You would make a lousy father.
- Wrong.
- Let me tell you
about fathers, okay?
A father, he has to know
when his son is desperate.
A father has to know
when his son is in pain!
He couldn't hide it!
He tried, but he
couldn't hide it,
and that's good
enough for this father.
- Not good enough for this one.
- You know, I'll tell you
somethin', Ms. Romano,
men have a gut feeling
for this kind of thing
and women don't!
Women just don't have
the guts for it, that's all.
It's as simple as that. (groans)
- Thank God you're
not raising him.
- You see, the song.
The song says it all
about fathers and sons,
but you are not
listening to the words.
- No, Schneider, you are
not listening to my words.
- Do me a favor. Will
you do me a favor?
Just listen to this.
Just listen!
Listen to this, okay?
(clears throat)
(plays piano)
♪ When there are gray skies
- Schneider, I want
you to listen to this.
♪ M is for the million
things she gave me
♪ I don't mind the gray skies
♪ O is only that
she's growing old
♪ You make them blue
♪ Put them all together,
they spell mother
♪ Yes, I said blue ♪
The world that means
♪ The world to me ♪ Sonny Boy
(upbeat, jazzy music)
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Hi, Ms. Romano.
- Good morning, Schneider.
- You know, uh, some day,
you're gonna get
stuck in that position
and I'm gonna have to
carry you around in a bucket.
- Fine.
You have the mail?
- Yeah, I have the mail.
- Put it on the
table for me please?
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- I suppose you know
that this Saturday night
is the father and
son night at the lodge.
- Yup, yup, yup, I know that.
- It's no big deal,
but, you know...
Anybody ever tell
you that that exercise
is not particularly ladylike?
- Once.
Prince Phillip.
So tell me what goes on at
father and son night, Schneider.
- Oh, they just eat
a lot of hotdogs,
and they laugh a lot,
and they punch each other in
the arm, you know. (chuckles)
I'd really like to
do that just once,
punch my son in the arm,
but I just hang around
and watch the whole thing.
I run the spotlight for 'em.
I been doin' it for
years, you know.
- (yawns) Morning.
- [Ann] Morning.
- Oh, any mail from Barb?
- No.
Anyway, she's
gonna write, she'll call.
She's on an expense account.
(chuckles)
- So Schneider, no advice
about how I shouldn't let
my wife run off to
Chicago with another man?
- Who ran off to Chicago
with another man?
- Barbara.
She went on that
buying trip with her boss.
You know that.
- Oh yeah, Barbara. She
went with her boss, right?
- (scoffs) Schneider's
a little unhappy
about father and
son night at the lodge.
- Oh, I'm not upset.
I just remember
the good old days.
My dad used to take
me to father and son night
at the lodge back in New Jersey.
It was the greatest
and most touching thing
I ever did with him.
I tell you, when he
punched me in the arm,
(chuckles) he
left a welt that big.
Ah, the man loved me.
Couldn't say it
so he punched it.
(chuckles)
We used to win
first prize, you know.
- At arm punching?
- No, no, we did a
little routine, you know.
- What routine?
- Oh, it's just, it's just a
little routine, you know.
- I don't believe
him, he's being shy.
- All right, if you
have to know,
it was the old
Sonny Boy routine.
Yeah, I'd sit on
dad's knee, you know,
I'd sit on his knee and well,
we'd do the routine, you know.
If I do say so myself,
brought the house down.
- I'll bet.
- So why don't you
ask Alex to go with you?
- Mark, you think I haven't
already thought of that?
- So you thought of it.
Have you asked him?
- (sighs) You don't ask a kid
who's just lost his own
father not that long ago
to go to a father and
son night with another guy
who's not even his own father.
- Ah, come on, Schneider.
Alex likes being with you.
He loves when you take
him fishing and camping.
- Yeah, and how about all
the advice about the ladies?
- Yeah, I've heard
some of that advice.
No father can warp a boy's
thinking any better than you do.
- All right, let me tell you
something, okay, Ms. Romano?
Now a lot of kid's Alex's age,
they gotta get all their
misinformation out of the gutter,
but not Alex.
He's got me.
- Schneider, go
ahead and ask him.
(sighs) Come on.
- Well, you know,
as a matter of fact,
I came up here
today thinking maybe,
maybe I will go
ahead and ask him,
but only if you think that
enough time has passed.
- Of course. Ask him.
You're one of his heroes.
- I'll get him.
- Wait a second, wait a minute.
- Alex!
- Maybe he won't
like it, Ms. Romano.
It's just a bunch of guys.
- Don't be silly, Schneider.
- Schneider has something
he'd like to ask you.
- Oh, sure. Hi, Schneider.
- Hi, Al. How are you?
Listen, it's not
important or nothin'.
Saturday night is father and
son night over at the lodge,
and I was wonderin', you know,
if you'd like to come with me.
It's not important, believe me.
- Sure.
- I mean, come
with me as my son.
I mean, all the guys would
know you're not my son.
I mean, they do the
substitute thing all the time,
you know, with nieces
and nephews and stuff.
It's not a big deal, believe me.
- (chuckles) Sure.
- We could do a little
routine, you know.
- Sure, sounds great. (chuckles)
What routine?
- Oh, just a little routine.
- It's a routine that Schneider
did with his own father.
- It's probably funny.
- With great touches
of sentiment, you know.
- Okay.
- Face it, Schneider, you
got yourself a substitute son.
- Listen, Alex, are
you really sure?
I mean, do you really
feel sure about it?
- Yes, Schneider, I'm sure.
- Okay, all right. (laughs)
I'm gonna call Beerbelt.
- Okay.
- He goes every year with
his kid, you know? (chuckles)
(door opens)
(grunts)
Rehearsal time!
Alex!
Sure you wanna go
through with this now?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm sure.
I had a couple of
ideas. Okay, Schneider?
- Sure, a father never
closes his mind to his son.
What do you got? Shoot.
- See, there's this new
song out by Blood and Goo.
It's all about parents and kids.
All right, take a listen, okay?
(brooding electronic music)
So you and I come out,
and then we sing with the tape,
and then we do this.
- Yeah, that's terrific.
That really is kinda now,
kinda wow, you know.
I tell ya, truthfully, see,
the musical tastes of the
guys down at the lodge
is not quite that advanced.
I mean, their idea of totally
awesome is Lawrence Welk.
- Ah, it was worth
a shot. (chuckles)
- It's worth a
whole firing squad.
- Here's a routine that I
used to do with my dad, okay.
- Okay.
- I get a chair,
and I introduce us,
and I come out, and I sit down.
And then you come out.
Oh! (chuckles)
I almost forgot.
- [Alex] What?
- Here's the best part.
Here, yeah.
Here, you put this on.
Go ahead, it's already
had its rabies shot.
- Are you kiddin', there
isn't a 15 year old kid
in the Western hemisphere
who'd wear that thing.
- We're talkin' show biz!
Yeah, now you're my little boy!
- Yes, I see the
family resemblance.
- Wait.
- [Schneider] Come
on, you look great.
- I look like a rerun
of Shirley Temple.
Maybe I could wear a mask.
- Come on, come on.
We got a lot of
work to do here now.
Okay, now where it
says sing, you sing,
where it says talk, you talk.
You stand right here.
Mark, can you play a
C chord on the piano?
- Yeah, sure. What key is it in?
- Hey, you ready?
- Yeah, go ahead.
- Okay.
Hi, daddy.
- Hi, Sonny.
(C-chord plays)
♪ Climb up on my knee
♪ Now you sing
it, you don't say it
♪ Mm, what's my name ♪ Sonny boy
- Schneider, why don't
I know my own name?
- Because you're
wearing that wig.
- You know, Mark, in
show biz, we have a saying.
You don't have to wear
baggy pants to be a clown.
Now we're gonna do this again.
We got a lot of work
here, a lot of rehearsin'.
I wanna have this thing
as smooth as a baby's nose
by the time Ms. Romano
gets home from work.
All right, let's go.
Come on, come on.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, Sonny.
♪ Climb upon my knee
- That's the elevator.
She's here, that's the elevator!
Come on!
Get over to the
piano, Mark, come on!
Let's show what a little
hard work will do, right?
Okay, positions,
everyone. Come on.
(clears throat)
And now fellow Brother Beavers,
we are happy to present
Dwayne F. Schneider
and his son Alex!
(grand piano music)
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, Sonny.
♪ Climb upon my
knee - What's my name?
♪ Sonny boy - How old am I?
♪ Oh, you're only three.
- What's my name?
♪ Sonny boy ♪
You've no way of knowing
♪ I've no way of showing
♪ What you mean to me
- What's my name?
♪ Sonny boy
- Give me the
weather report, daddy.
♪ When there are gray skies
♪ I don't mind the gray skies
- What do I do to the
gray skies, daddy?
♪ You make them
blue - What's my name?
♪ Sonny boy
- You want me to promise you
anything when I'm all grown up
and you're a doddering
old wreck, daddy?
- Oh, yes.
- What?
♪ When I'm old and gray, dear
♪ Promise you won't stray, dear
♪ I love you so -
What's my name?
♪ Sonny boy
(laughs)
- Yeah!
Wasn't he great!
- Ouch.
- Great hardly describes it.
- Aw, thanks a lot, Ms. Romano.
We're gonna win that
contest hands down.
We're gonna win first prize,
and you know
what first prize is?
- What?
- A trip down to the bottom
of the Grand Canyon.
- They push you out of a plane.
- We go down by mule
train, father and son.
It's somethin' I've
always wanted to do.
We get to pick our own mules.
- Hey, that's terrific.
- Yeah.
- Listen, can I leave
the piano here?
We've still got a lot of
rehearsing to do, all right?
I'll be back in a while
with a song and a smile.
You were great. Wasn't he great?
- Yes.
♪ I love you so ♪ Sonny Boy
(laughs)
- Ouch.
- Oh, you're really
doing a nice thing, Alex.
But it's not going
to embarrass you
getting up in front of
all those people, is it?
- Naw, as long as nobody
from school sees me
in that stupid wig. (chuckles)
(phone rings)
Schneider's a
terrific guy, it'll be fun!
City zoo, Mr. Fox speaking.
Katie! Katie, hi, hi!
How come you, uh, how come, uh,
uh, hold on a second okay?
Katie Westenguard.
- Katie Westenguard?
- Where've you been, Annie?
Katie Westenguard is
possibly the greatest girl
who ever walked on this planet.
- Whatever happened to
Joanne what's-her-name?
- Oh, she grossed Alex out.
She wore bell bottoms
to the school dance!
- Well, gag me with a spoon.
Uh, I have a favor
to ask of you, Alex.
I have clients that call here.
I really don't want
them to hear "City zoo,
"Mr. Fox speaking."
- Guess what just happened.
- Did you hear what
I said about Mr. Fox?
- Yeah.
Katie invited me to go
to her cabin with her!
Katie Westenguard!
I don't believe it.
- Alex, Alex, sit down.
Listen, take some advice
from an old campaigner.
When you're talking to a parent,
you don't start with Katie has
a cabin and she invited me.
- Mark...
- First thing you tell a parent
is how many chaperones
are gonna be there.
And then, very off hand,
you mention the cabin.
- Are you quite through?
- No, one more.
Tell them you're going to
be sleeping on the couch.
Her brother, the priest,
sleeps on the other couch.
- Very cute.
- Excuse me, excuse me.
I forgot my accoutrements.
- Schneider, guess what.
Katie Westenguard
called and she wants me
to go up to her folks' cabin
with her and some other kids!
- Katie Westenguard
finally called you?
She finally called
you! I can't believe that.
That's terrific!
- Her folks said she
had a choice of guys
to take up to the cabin
Saturday night and Sunday,
and she picked me!
I can't believe it.
- Which Saturday
night and Sunday?
- This weekend!
Oh, come on, don't worry.
There'll be other
kids from school,
and her folks are
goin' and everything.
- Alex, you've got the father
son night with Schneider.
- No, no, no, wait a minute.
She said this Saturday.
It's the same night, isn't it?
I told her I'd go.
- Without checking with me?
You're not allowed to do that.
And besides which, you
made a promise to Schneider.
Call her back.
- Call her back?
Call her back? Schneider.
- Ah, gee kid, they're
already printing the programs.
- How can they be
printing up the programs?
I only said I'd do
it this morning.
- Alex, come on.
She asked you once, she'll
ask you some other time.
- Yeah.
I mean, Warren Beatty,
he doesn't go up to the
cabin the first time the girl calls.
(chuckles)
- Look, if I asked you, and I
told you her folks are goin',
which they are, would
you have said it was okay?
- Probably, but
that's not the point.
- Look, if I call her now
and tell her I can't go,
she'll think I'm rejecting her.
And once you reject a woman,
they shut down
the print out on you,
and they erase your
tape, and you're finished!
- Is that Aristotle or Plato?
- The hell with Aristotle!
- Alex.
- How would you like to
miss a terrific weekend
with a fantastic girl
just so you can sit
in some dumb lodge with
a bunch of dumb old guys
who think they're a
bunch of dumb beavers
and wear a dumb wig and
say, "What's my name?"
- Alex!
Alex, you get down
here right now.
Now! Move it!
Don't saunter, I said move it!
How dare you do
that to that man?
- I'm sorry, but you
don't know how much
this weekend means to me.
- And you have no
concept of how much
this father son
night means to him.
- Oh, come on, Ms. R, the
lodge has those things every year.
Katie's cabin with Katie in it
is enough to blow your mind.
- You really don't realize
how much you've
hurt that man, do you?
He has done a
thousand things for you!
A thousand things for you!
He asked you to
do one little thing.
You demean him, you
make fun of his friends,
you make fun of his lodge,
you tell him his
routine is silly!
Are you proud of yourself?
- Of course not,
I'm not proud of...
- I can tell you
what's right and wrong
'til I am blue in the face,
but you are the one who's
gonna have to figure out
whether you care
about Schneider or not.
You're the one who's
going to have to figure out
where the integrity lies.
I really hate
disliking you, Alex.
You just stay here
and think about it.
- Schneider, can I
see you a minute?
- I'm very proud
of my membership in that lodge.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Come to steal the piano?
- Yeah, I thought
I'd get it outta here
without makin' a
big dramatic scene.
Alex in bed?
- Yeah.
- Good.
- Didn't he call you?
- Yeah, he called, and he said
he'd go to the thing with me,
but he kinda sounded like I did
when I had to bring
back all those spoons.
- Spoons?
- Yeah.
When I was 11, I used to go
to this soda
fountain all the time,
and I don't know why,
but every day I went,
I took a spoon, you know.
Swiped the spoon.
Well, of course my
father, he found 'em,
and he sent me back, you know,
made me take 'em back.
So I go into the soda
fountain, I tell the owner,
"Hi, Mr. Dorphmeyer.
"I'm really sorry for
swipin' these 300 spoons."
- So no Sonny Boy, huh?
- Nah.
- Guys, please,
either talk louder,
or don't talk at all.
How many spoons?
(chuckles)
- I tell you, Ms. Romano,
in the vast panoply of life,
what's one spoon more or less?
Or a Sonny Boy, or a lodge?
It's just one vast
gossamer crock.
- I think that means he
came to get the piano.
- Mm-hmm, so you're giving up.
Alex told me he called you.
- Yeah, well, I told
him to forget about it.
- Okay, no Alex.
How about Mark?
- Mark who?
- You don't understand.
- Come on, Schneider,
you're 47, Mark's in his 20s.
You could have
a child Mark's age.
- I'm 42.
- Whatever.
- 43 tops.
- Right.
Come on, Mark, be a sport.
It's nice.
- Does nothing for my eyes.
- You're spinnin' your
wheels, Ms. Romano.
- Schneider,
look, it's important.
- Let me try to explain
somethin' to you, okay?
(sighs) You don't
understand this,
but the routine only works
if Alex and I do
it together, see?
If Alex and I do
it, it's kinda like
when me and my
dad used to do it.
You know, I think
of Alex as my, uh...
Well, anyway, thanks a lot.
(phone rings)
- I'll get it.
Hello.
Barb! What are
you doin' up so late?
- Give her our love.
- I will. No, I'm
eating a sandwich.
- I'm sorry,
Schneider. I really am.
- Yeah, well, I'm sorry, too,
but it's no great big
earth-shattering thing
like the sinking
of the Hindenburg.
- Goodnight.
- Hi.
- Hi, Alex. Why don't you help
me lean on this piano, huh?
- Aren't we gonna
need it for rehearsal?
- Nope.
- How come?
- (sighs) Look,
you said all the right
things when you called.
You know, you offered, okay.
But you offered
with a dead voice.
Behind every dead
voice there's a dead offer.
- Yeah?
Wanna talk about a dead voice,
you should have heard
me telling Katie I couldn't go.
- Well, why don't you
call her in the morning
and tell her you're
goin'? (grunts)
- Schneider, did you
ever want to be with a girl
so much that you get mad at
everything that gets in the way?
- Roughly 4000 times.
I think these wheels are jammed.
- That's why I yelled at you.
- Why, 'cause the
wheels are jammed?
Will you get on the
piano and lean, please?
Come on.
- Don't you want
to talk about it?
- Look, you said you were sorry.
And you said that you wish
you hadn't said what you said.
Okay, I understand. Case closed.
Would you please
lean on the piano.
- You know what Ms. R said?
- Yeah, she said, "Tell
Schneider get the piano
"out of the living room."
Will you give me a hand?
- She said I'd better figure
out if I liked you or not.
That's why I'm
going to be sitting
on your lap tomorrow night
asking you what my name is.
Okay, I said it with a
dead voice. Wouldn't you?
Have you ever seen
Katie Westenguard?
She's fantastic!
- (sniffs) Alex?
- Yeah?
- A favor.
Will you come over here?
Will you help me
with the piano, please?
Not that way. Back in.
We're rehearsing at nine
o'clock in the morning.
All right, not too
far, not too far!
(jaunty piano music)
(mimics shakers)
- Schneider.
Schneider!
Schneider!
- Ms. Romano!
(plays piano) (groans)
- Schneider, it's
Saturday morning,
I wanted to sleep late.
- Well, didn't Alex tell you?
We're gonna be
rehearsing this morning.
See, we had a nice,
nice long talk last night,
and he said he was
sorry, and I believed him!
I mean, you can really tell
when a kid's really sorry.
(groans)
- Hi. Ready?
- [Schneider] Yeah, okay.
We can skip the wig, okay?
- Have fun.
- (chuckles) Thanks.
- Tonight's the night, kid.
Show business, right? (chuckles)
The smell of the grease
paint, the roar of the Beavers.
Let's go!
Okay. (clears throat)
- You ready?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Hi, Daddy.
(chuckles)
- Gimme a smile, see.
Gimme a nice smile 'cause
I gotta see some teeth.
Teeth, I wanna see some teeth.
Go ahead.
- Hi, Daddy!
- Hi, Sonny!
♪ Climb upon my
knee - What's my name?
♪ Sonny Boy - How old am I?
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah, sure.
Fine, start again.
Hi, Daddy!
- Hi, Sonny!
♪ Climb upon my
knee - What's my name?
♪ Katie Westenguard
- You know what's
happening here?
- Start again. Hi, Daddy.
- I'll tell you what's
happening here, see.
You got somethin' on your mind,
and you're not professional
enough to cover.
- No, no, no, no, Schneider.
I'm okay, really.
- Okay?
- Hey, pal, okay is just
not good enough, right?
I mean, I know
there's a lot of people
who think this is
a nothing routine,
but it's gotta have split
second timing, right?
Okay.
Ms. Romano!
Sorry, kid, this is
very important to me.
I don't think I can use ya.
Ms. Romano!
- No, Schneider, wait a minute.
I'm okay, I'm fine, really!
- Lookit, I just saw
what you were doin'...
Ms. Romano, (clears throat)
gonna let this kid go with
Katie what's-her-name
'cause I am not going
to embarrass myself
in front of my lodge brothers.
- He says I'm
thinking about Katie
so I'm not gonna do a good job.
- Here, watch this. Go ahead.
- Are you ready?
- Yeah.
- Hi, Daddy!
- Hi, Sonny.
♪ Climb upon my
knee - What's my name?
- You ever see anything
so rotten in your life?
- Sounds fine to me.
- See?
- I don't believe
you, Ms. Romano.
I mean, a professional
could cover up a broken heart,
but an amateur can't,
and he's an amateur.
I'm sorry, kid.
Why don't you call the
girl before it's too late?
- You sure you know what
you're doing, Schneider?
- I can't believe
that I came this close
to making a fool out of myself
in front of the entire
Brotherhood of Beavers.
What are you standin'
there for, Alex?
Go ahead and call her.
(clears throat)
- You're not fooling anybody.
You know that, Schneider.
- (stammers) Go ahead, what?
- Alex is getting
his own way on this.
- Wrong.
- You're a pushover.
You made this
big terrific sacrifice.
Big deal.
I believe what
you've really done
is lessen Alex's
respect for you.
- You're wrong.
- You taught him he
can get his own way
any time he wants to.
- You're wrong.
- When he makes a
commitment he should honor it.
- You would make a lousy father.
- Wrong.
- Let me tell you
about fathers, okay?
A father, he has to know
when his son is desperate.
A father has to know
when his son is in pain!
He couldn't hide it!
He tried, but he
couldn't hide it,
and that's good
enough for this father.
- Not good enough for this one.
- You know, I'll tell you
somethin', Ms. Romano,
men have a gut feeling
for this kind of thing
and women don't!
Women just don't have
the guts for it, that's all.
It's as simple as that. (groans)
- Thank God you're
not raising him.
- You see, the song.
The song says it all
about fathers and sons,
but you are not
listening to the words.
- No, Schneider, you are
not listening to my words.
- Do me a favor. Will
you do me a favor?
Just listen to this.
Just listen!
Listen to this, okay?
(clears throat)
(plays piano)
♪ When there are gray skies
- Schneider, I want
you to listen to this.
♪ M is for the million
things she gave me
♪ I don't mind the gray skies
♪ O is only that
she's growing old
♪ You make them blue
♪ Put them all together,
they spell mother
♪ Yes, I said blue ♪
The world that means
♪ The world to me ♪ Sonny Boy
(upbeat, jazzy music)