One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 8, Episode 21 - Buyer's Remorse - full transcript
Barbara's old boyfriend Bob reveals he still has feelings for her.
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- You know, now
that I see it stained
I think I liked it
better natural.
(audience laughs)
- Wrong, it looks
fine just the way it is.
- No honey, I mean, look.
I think it really did
look better natural.
Things don't look
so great stained.
I mean look, you
don't look so hot.
(audience laughs)
- I hope you've been working
on your Al Jolson imitation.
(Barbara giggles)
- Hi!
- Oh, hi Mom.
Watch it, he's got
a loaded paintbrush.
- Stand back.
- Paint me some
other time, okay Mark?
I got something I
want you to see.
- [Barbara] What?
- Well, I bought it and I want
to see what you think of it.
Woo-hoo!
(audience laughs)
- What're we supposed to say?
- Well you're supposed to
say exactly what you think.
I bought it at the art show.
I took one look at it and I
knew I just had to have it.
- It's a Kaloshki
- It certainly is.
(audience laughs)
- (laughs) Yeah, it's bronze.
It's called Wings of Loudness.
- I just love the line of it.
I know it's an extravagance.
(audience laughs)
- All right, say something.
- Where are you gonna put it?
- In the office.
- I love it.
(audience laughs)
- Well, I'm certainly
glad you got it
before anyone else
could snap it up.
- That's cute, Mark.
We all can't have the
same taste, you know.
Ask me sometime what
I think of that green shirt
that you have with the
lightning striking the pocket.
(Mark imitates a lighting bolt)
That's what I think. (laughs)
- Yeah, well I think
I'll take a shower.
Anyone wanna join me?
- Not me. Mom?
- Oh thanks, some other time.
(audience laughs)
(doorbell rings)
- Oh, it's Bob!
- Bob who?
- Bob Morton.
- Bob Morton who?
- Take a shower.
- Bob!
- Hi!
- Hi! How nice you look!
- Boy, it's good to
see you, Miss Romano.
- Oh, it's good to see you, too.
- This is my wife, Molly.
Isn't she cute?
She's airsick.
(audience laughs)
- [Ann] Airsick? I'm sorry.
- I'll be all right.
- Oh, good.
Well come on in.
Please, come in, I'm sorry.
Sit down.
There you go.
I guess congratulations
are in order, right?
I mean, didn't you
get married yesterday?
- This morning.
- This morning?
Well, why aren't you two...
Really, so...
(clears throat)
You got married this morning.
- Yeah, we're on our way to
our honeymoon in San Francisco.
We have a layover here.
- Well, Molly, right?
I'm delighted to meet you.
- Thank you.
- She's fantastic.
She isn't always
green like this.
(audience laughs)
Oh, thanks for the
silver candlesticks.
They're terrific.
- Bud vases.
- Thanks for the bud
vases, they're terrific.
(audience laughs)
You okay, honey?
Molly's got a weak stomach.
We took one of those dinky
planes out of Chillicothe.
It was was liked being
strapped in to a hang glider.
Bouncing and swaying,
and bouncing and swaying.
(audience laughs)
- (groans) Oh, Bob.
- I'll get you some hot
tea, it'll settle your stomach.
- Thank you.
- Oh, I can get it, I know
where everything is.
- I know where
everything is too, Bob.
So, tell me about your wedding.
- It was a great wedding.
We had 350 people
at the reception.
Most of them Molly's
family because
I don't know
anybody in Chillicothe.
Molly was wearing the
traditional white gown.
She looked beautiful.
Honest.
(audience laughs)
- Tell me, how long is your
layover here in Indianapolis?
- Oh, we'll be here
four and a half hours.
- Uh-huh, you know I'm not
too sure I know how you two met.
- It was great.
I work for Molly's
father, he's a great guy.
Molly walked in one
day and boom, that was it.
I liked her too.
(audience laughs)
- Bob, I thought I
heard your voice.
- Hi!
- Hi.
- Barbara, this is
Molly Morton, my wife.
We were married this morning.
- That's right, the
wedding, congratulations.
Hi, Molly.
- Hi.
- So tell me all
about the wedding.
Every little detail.
- Oh, it was super.
I cried through the whole thing.
(audience laughs)
Well, you feel awful, don't you?
- Uh-huh.
(audience laughs)
- Do you wanna put your
head between your knees?
(audience laughs)
- No, Bob.
- Ah Molly, here.
This should make
you feel better.
It's hot, be real careful, okay?
- Thank you.
- She looked beautiful
at the wedding.
But the minute
she got on the plane
she started to look like this.
(audience laughs)
She's got a weak stomach.
- Please stop telling everybody
I've got a weak stomach, Robert.
- It's nothing to be
ashamed of, sweetheart.
It's like having
knock-knees or something.
You can't help it.
Well not that I mean
you have knock-knees.
Her knees are dead straight.
(audience laughs)
- I'll get us something to eat.
- Hey, you know
what I'd love to do?
Let's go to
Orsotti's for a pizza.
I mean all of us.
My treat.
Bring Matt if you want.
- His name's Mark.
And anyway, they tore down
Orsotti's about a month ago.
- No kidding?
Indianapolis just sat there
and let them tear
down Orsotti's?
Why?
- They're putting up a hospital.
- Well without Orsotti's
they don't need a hospital.
(audience laughs)
(Molly laughs awkwardly)
(audience laughs)
I'm sorry honey,
you're not gonna
get to see Orsotti's after all.
Barb, remember when I
carved our initials in the table?
- [Mark] Uh, honey?
- Yeah?
- Could you bring
me my bathrobe?
- [Barbara] Yeah, excuse me.
(audience laughs)
- Hi there, I'm Bob Morton.
(audience laughs)
You must be Mark.
In fact, you'd better
be Mark, you're naked.
(audience laughs)
- Yes, I almost always do
this when I take a shower.
(audience laughs)
A little quirk.
- Well that's my
wife Molly in there.
Molly, say hello to Mark.
- Hi!
- Hi Molly, I'm naked.
- Why don't we talk to
Mark when he's a little drier?
- Sure, Barb.
See you, Mark.
- Right.
Who is this clown?
- Ssh!
(audience laughs)
He's a friend, get dressed.
What's on a Vesuvius number 12?
- Oh, uh, cheese, tomato
sauce, pepperoni, mushrooms.
- Oh, God... (audience laughs)
- Sorry, Molly.
- Molly, would you
like to lie down?
- Maybe I'd better.
- Miss Romano will take
real good care of you, honey.
She's good with sick people.
Remember the time Barb and I ate
the bacon and
bananas, Miss Romano?
- No...
- Bad timing, Bob.
(audience laughs)
- So, Bob, married this morning.
- Yeah.
We haven't even, well you know.
What's the word?
(audience laughs)
- Consummated?
- Reconfirmed
our return tickets.
(audience laughs)
(Barbara giggles)
Well, what do you think?
- About what?
- About Molly.
Did I do the right thing?
- Oh yeah, she's lovely.
- I know.
Everything was fine
until the minister said,
"Do you, Robert?"
I said "I do" because
I thought I did.
But maybe I don't.
(audience laughs)
They don't give you
much time to think about it.
(audience laughs)
Tell me something
and don't be afraid
to hurt my feelings, okay?
- Okay.
- Are you happy with Mark?
- The answer is yes.
A great big unequivocal,
beautiful yes.
- Don't hold back.
(audience laughs)
- Bob, I love Mark
with all my heart.
- Kind of like what we had?
- Bob, what we
had was friendship.
We were two friends.
We were just two kids
growing up together, that's it.
- Barbara, we shared
puberty together.
(audience laughs)
- No Bob, we didn't.
I had mine more or less
right here in this apartment
and you had yours
eight blocks away.
- Okay, okay, but we
shared lots of things together.
We almost flunked
geometry together.
And remember when
the Hustle first came out?
We tried to teach
each other the steps.
- (chuckles) Let's try.
- No, I don't
remember any of it.
- Oh, sure you do.
It went like this, remember?
(sings the beat of The Hustle)
- Bob.
(audience laughs)
Bob was doing the
uh, see when we...
Sit down, I'll get some coffee.
- Oh, where's Molly?
- She's lying down.
- Is she okay?
- Well she's got a weak stomach.
How tall are you?
(audience laughs)
- About six feet.
- Well that's pretty good.
(audience laughs)
- Bob, Molly is trying to sleep.
- Mom?
- [Ann] Yes?
- Why don't you come in here
and help me with the coffee?
- Uh, sure.
How's it going?
- I don't know, he's
going down memory lane.
Talking about all
the good times,
what we meant to each other.
- Are you kidding?
- I wish I were.
Maybe I'm
overreacting but I think
he still has a thing for me.
- (sighs deeply) Oh boy.
- You know, Bob,
Barbara didn't tell me.
What do you do for a living?
- I'm in containers.
(audience laughs)
- Isn't that kinda cramped?
(audience laughs)
(laughs)
- That's good.
- Yeah.
What sort of containers?
- Cardboard boxes.
You order a pizza
to go that's probably
in our flat AG14-B model.
The one with the
laminated liner.
And those boxes at the
football games? Those are ours.
The one with the hole
right here for the beer.
Model Z-11.
- Got any two-holers?
- Model Z-12.
(audience laughs)
- Listen, the coffee
will be here in a minute.
- Bob's in containers.
- Yeah, I heard.
- Heh, it's kinda cramped.
(laughs annoyingly)
(audience laughs)
(cries in pain)
- Oh God, Alex, are you
okay? What happened?
- Oh, we were
playing touch football
and I hooked my
ankle into this huge girl.
(audience laughs)
(shrieks painfully) That hurts!
Don't touch it, it hurts!
- All right, all right, come on.
Let's take him in the
bedroom and I'll check it out.
- It was like hitting a tree
stump with legwarmers.
(audience laughs)
- He'll be okay.
- Barb, can I ask you something?
- Yeah, Bob I think we
should talk about something.
Sit down.
- Yes.
Let's be honest with each other.
- Yeah.
- Doesn't my shadow hang
over your marriage bed?
(audience laughs)
- No, Bob.
You're making something out of
our relationship that never was.
We were about as romantic
as an orange and a geranium.
(audience laughs)
- Barbara.
- Bob, listen to me.
You have a
beautiful wife in there.
- I know.
But even while she
was walking down
the aisle I began to wonder.
"Am I doing this because
her father pays my salary?"
"Do I want a girl who wants
to make a planter
out of my tuba?"
(audience laughs)
And remember,
I still didn't know
she got airsick at
the drop of a hat.
- Bob, they have a rule.
You can't return a new wife
to the church without a receipt.
- Yeah.
But where am I
going with this thing?
Down the path of life
with a girl I hardly know.
She kisses good.
(audience laughs)
But she doesn't understand
me the way you did.
- Look, Bob.
You never would have married her
if you didn't love her, right?
You're just scared.
I was scared, Mark was scared.
- Yeah, I guess.
- You know what it is?
It's like when you
buy a new house
and you're crazy about it.
Then all of a sudden you
start having second thoughts.
It's called buyer's remorse.
- Barbara, you're so smart.
That's what I've
got, buyer's remorse.
(audience laughs)
Oh, thank you.
Thank you for being my friend.
- Okay.
- Thank you for understanding.
- Okay. (laughs nervously)
(audience gasps)
Robert, that didn't happen.
- No, no, I mean, gee.
You were sitting there
and I was sitting there
and all of a sudden it
was 1979 or something.
(audience laughs)
I'm not fit for the
company of decent people.
- Oh, Bob.
- I was unfaithful with my
sick wife not 20 feet away.
(audience laughs)
- No Bob, you
were not unfaithful.
It was just an impulse, okay?
You will never do it again.
Let me put it this way.
I will never let
you do it again.
- The least you could've
done was slap my face.
(audience laughs)
- Alex twisted his ankle,
Mark is wrapping it.
Oh, Bob, I checked in on Molly
and she seems a lot
better if you wanna see her.
- No.
- No, I mean she's awake.
- Well that makes it worse.
Miss Romano, can I talk
to you alone somewhere?
- Oh Bob, let's settle this.
- Please, Miss Romano.
I need you to talk to me
the way you used to, please.
- Uh, sure, Bob.
- Miss Romano, I
just did the worst thing
I ever did in my entire life.
I don't know what
to do, I feel so guilty.
I feel like throwing
myself out the window.
I feel like I should
be shot or something.
- All right, Bob! Ssh!
Take it easy.
First thing's first, okay?
Take a deep breath.
Go ahead, take a deep breath.
(Bob inhales deeply)
Okay, terrific, now
tell me what happened.
- I have buyer's remorse.
- Let the breath
out, Bob (exhales)
(audience laughs)
- I have buyer's remorse with
Molly and I kissed Barbara.
A minute ago I practically
attacked your daughter.
I kissed her on the
lips, Miss Romano.
(audience laughs)
And for a minute there
it was first class lust.
I'm a very bad human being.
(audience laughs)
- Go on, Bob.
- Well Barbara was sitting there
and all of a sudden
she was my girl again.
What's the matter with me?
- Bob, in your whole life,
how many times have
you kissed Barbara?
- Including birthdays?
- Bob, she was never your girl.
You were friends.
As far as I know
you never kissed her.
Now, tell me about this
buyer's remorse thing with Molly.
- My marriage is
over, Miss Romano.
(audience laughs)
I kissed another woman while
I still have rice in my shoes.
(audience laughs)
- Bull!
- No kidding?
- No kidding.
- Well, thanks
for talking to me.
- Bob wait, I haven't finished.
- Oh no, that's okay.
You straightened me out
just the way you always do.
- [Schneider] Bunch of
slobs, I don't believe this.
Look at this hallway!
Like a bunch of drunken sailors.
- Hello.
- Hiya, Miss Romano.
Bob! Hey, Bob, how are ya?
Hey, it's Bob!
Believe what happened to me?
Some guy, some bum
comes right through
my lobby downstairs with mud.
Into the elevator and
up here in the hallways.
Then some other bum
he drops rice all over it.
(audience laughs)
I got mud pilaf.
(audience laughs)
How are ya?
- Oh, I'm fine.
- Fine? What's the
matter with him?
- Nothing is the matter
with him, Schneider.
He was married this morning
and we were in the middle of-
- You were married this morning?
You little rascal!
Congratulations!
Where's the little woman?
- Oh, she's a little
sick to her stomach.
- So soon?
(audience laughs)
Well anyway, you
got married, right?
That's a wedding, so
that takes care of the rice.
Now we gotta find that bum
who dragged all this mud in here.
Nice shoes, nice and clean.
You're a nice guy.
- This is not turning out
to be my favorite day.
- Why not?
- Well, we've got a kissing
bridegroom in the bathroom,
an unsuspecting
husband in his bedroom,
a sick bride in my bedroom.
And a very unhappy boy out here.
- Me?
- Yeah.
Alex, why don't you go
look out in the hallway, huh?
- All right.
- You dragged
mud up here, right?
Now you're gonna
go and clean it up.
(phonily cries out in pain)
(Ann laughs) (audience laughs)
Oh, what a brave soldier,
you deserve a Purple Heart.
- When that bone
sticks into that muscle.
- Instead I'm
gonna give you this.
Use it well, soldier.
- You're not kidding about this.
- I'm not kidding about this.
Schneider is ready to kill.
Come on, I'll start you
off, show you how it works
and then you're on your own.
- You're too kind.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I've been to the bathroom.
(audience laughs)
- Congratulations.
(audience laughs)
- Mark?
- Yes?
- I gotta talk to you.
I mean I gotta talk
to you right now
before I stop
wanting to talk to you.
You better sit down.
Mark, I was unfaithful to my
wife with your wife just now.
(audience laughs)
Right there.
(audience laughs)
- Bob, I seriously
doubt that you
were unfaithful with anyone.
- I wasn't?
- Well, there
wasn't time, really.
(audience laughs)
Besides, I trust Barbara.
So why don't you tell
me what really happened?
- I kissed her.
- Oh, I see.
- Well don't you care?
I mean, this tall,
nice-looking guy
comes into your house
and kisses your wife?
If you knew what
was going through
my head you'd have me shot.
- Well I'll tell you what.
When your wife comes out
I'll kiss her and we'll be even.
(audience laughs)
- You're weird.
(audience laughs)
- Look, Bob.
You once knew Barbara and
you wanted to see her again
before you and Molly started
on your new life together.
You got carried away and
you kissed Barbara, right?
Well that's that.
If you did it again
I'd probably get nasty
but it's not gonna
happen again, is it?
- Heck no.
- That's it.
How about a beer?
- You're terrific!
- Yes, I know.
(audience laughs)
- Barb, this man is terrific.
- Yes, I know.
(audience laughs)
- I told him I kissed you
and he doesn't even care.
- Of course he
doesn't care, Bob.
There was nothing to it, okay?
It was just like the
time the two of us
spent the night in
Chicago together.
- Barb, that's like
a sacred thing.
- Now I care.
(audience laughs)
- You and Bob went to Chicago?
- In a way.
- In a way?
- Yeah.
- Alex, I do not care
where your mud stops
and somebody else's mud begins.
Just clean up the
whole thing, okay?
(door slams)
What's wrong?
- Bob and Barbara spent
the night together in Chicago,
in a way.
- Oh yes, that was nothing.
They were trying
to get my attention.
- They have mine.
- Mine too.
- Look, I wasn't paying
enough attention to her.
I was paying attention
to Julie at that time.
So Bob and Barbara
went to Chicago
and stayed in this cheap motel.
- A motel? Oh, well.
(audience laughs)
- Miss Romano.
The child labor
laws say that a kid
with a broken leg
cannot mop hallways.
- He does not have a
broken leg, Schneider.
- Holy mackerel.
The Wings of
Loudness by Kaloshki.
- That's right.
(audience laughs)
- I picked up one of those when
I was crossing a
border at Tijuana.
(audience laughs)
- Mark, Molly, look.
Bob and Barbara went
to Chicago only because-
- Oh, Chicago, yeah yeah.
(audience laughs)
I remember that trip. (laughs)
Two dumb little
kids trying to find out
all about life in Chicago.
(laughs obnoxiously)
(audience laughs)
Chicago's a toddling town.
♪ Chicago, Chicago.
(audience laughs)
What are you staring at me for?!
They had a blanket
on the bed with them.
It wasn't flat, it was an
up and down blanket.
It was like a wall.
- Schneider.
- What?
- Shut up.
- Of course, why
didn't you says so?
Such brilliance, sit down Bob.
- I'm really sorry
I brought it up.
But the point is,
nothing happened.
Really.
- Look, it doesn't matter
who brought it up or why.
Honey, I don't care what
happened before we were married.
I do care about
what's happened since.
Seven and a half
hours of misery.
- You were airsick.
- Maybe I wasn't airsick.
I just know I've
never gotten airsick
in all my years of skydiving.
(audience laughs)
Maybe I was upset because
of the way you've been acting.
Like we're strangers.
Like all of a sudden you don't
even know what to say to me.
The last thing I remember
you saying to me was "I do".
- I on the plane I said-
- On the plane you
spent two hours reading
the instructions on how to
inflate your flotation jacket.
- I like to be prepared.
- Over Indiana?
(audience laughs)
- Honey, you dragged me in here
to be checked
out by your friends.
And I heard all about
the good old days,
the number 12
pizza at Orsotti's,
and your rendez-vous
with Barbara Cooper
in some sleazy motel in Chicago.
- [All] Nothing happened!
(audience laughs)
- It was all innocent.
Just like the kiss I gave
Barbara a few minutes ago.
(Schneider groans)
- You kissed Barbara?
- Well yeah, while
you were being sick.
It was like an impulse.
(Molly breathes heavily)
Molly?
Molly, you okay?
(Molly breathes more heavily)
- Molly?
(audience laughs)
- Molly?
(audience laughs)
- Molly?
- Molly!
(audience laughs)
- Shall we leave, Bob?
We've got a honeymoon to go to.
Thank you very much, everyone.
I've had a wonderful
time meeting all of you.
(audience laughs)
Aren't you going to say
goodbye to Barbara, Bob?
- Goodbye, Bob.
(audience laughs)
- Bye, Barbara.
- Bye, Barbara.
- Molly.
- Bye, everybody.
Thanks for a
wonderful afternoon.
(audience applauds)
(trumpet music)
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- You know, now
that I see it stained
I think I liked it
better natural.
(audience laughs)
- Wrong, it looks
fine just the way it is.
- No honey, I mean, look.
I think it really did
look better natural.
Things don't look
so great stained.
I mean look, you
don't look so hot.
(audience laughs)
- I hope you've been working
on your Al Jolson imitation.
(Barbara giggles)
- Hi!
- Oh, hi Mom.
Watch it, he's got
a loaded paintbrush.
- Stand back.
- Paint me some
other time, okay Mark?
I got something I
want you to see.
- [Barbara] What?
- Well, I bought it and I want
to see what you think of it.
Woo-hoo!
(audience laughs)
- What're we supposed to say?
- Well you're supposed to
say exactly what you think.
I bought it at the art show.
I took one look at it and I
knew I just had to have it.
- It's a Kaloshki
- It certainly is.
(audience laughs)
- (laughs) Yeah, it's bronze.
It's called Wings of Loudness.
- I just love the line of it.
I know it's an extravagance.
(audience laughs)
- All right, say something.
- Where are you gonna put it?
- In the office.
- I love it.
(audience laughs)
- Well, I'm certainly
glad you got it
before anyone else
could snap it up.
- That's cute, Mark.
We all can't have the
same taste, you know.
Ask me sometime what
I think of that green shirt
that you have with the
lightning striking the pocket.
(Mark imitates a lighting bolt)
That's what I think. (laughs)
- Yeah, well I think
I'll take a shower.
Anyone wanna join me?
- Not me. Mom?
- Oh thanks, some other time.
(audience laughs)
(doorbell rings)
- Oh, it's Bob!
- Bob who?
- Bob Morton.
- Bob Morton who?
- Take a shower.
- Bob!
- Hi!
- Hi! How nice you look!
- Boy, it's good to
see you, Miss Romano.
- Oh, it's good to see you, too.
- This is my wife, Molly.
Isn't she cute?
She's airsick.
(audience laughs)
- [Ann] Airsick? I'm sorry.
- I'll be all right.
- Oh, good.
Well come on in.
Please, come in, I'm sorry.
Sit down.
There you go.
I guess congratulations
are in order, right?
I mean, didn't you
get married yesterday?
- This morning.
- This morning?
Well, why aren't you two...
Really, so...
(clears throat)
You got married this morning.
- Yeah, we're on our way to
our honeymoon in San Francisco.
We have a layover here.
- Well, Molly, right?
I'm delighted to meet you.
- Thank you.
- She's fantastic.
She isn't always
green like this.
(audience laughs)
Oh, thanks for the
silver candlesticks.
They're terrific.
- Bud vases.
- Thanks for the bud
vases, they're terrific.
(audience laughs)
You okay, honey?
Molly's got a weak stomach.
We took one of those dinky
planes out of Chillicothe.
It was was liked being
strapped in to a hang glider.
Bouncing and swaying,
and bouncing and swaying.
(audience laughs)
- (groans) Oh, Bob.
- I'll get you some hot
tea, it'll settle your stomach.
- Thank you.
- Oh, I can get it, I know
where everything is.
- I know where
everything is too, Bob.
So, tell me about your wedding.
- It was a great wedding.
We had 350 people
at the reception.
Most of them Molly's
family because
I don't know
anybody in Chillicothe.
Molly was wearing the
traditional white gown.
She looked beautiful.
Honest.
(audience laughs)
- Tell me, how long is your
layover here in Indianapolis?
- Oh, we'll be here
four and a half hours.
- Uh-huh, you know I'm not
too sure I know how you two met.
- It was great.
I work for Molly's
father, he's a great guy.
Molly walked in one
day and boom, that was it.
I liked her too.
(audience laughs)
- Bob, I thought I
heard your voice.
- Hi!
- Hi.
- Barbara, this is
Molly Morton, my wife.
We were married this morning.
- That's right, the
wedding, congratulations.
Hi, Molly.
- Hi.
- So tell me all
about the wedding.
Every little detail.
- Oh, it was super.
I cried through the whole thing.
(audience laughs)
Well, you feel awful, don't you?
- Uh-huh.
(audience laughs)
- Do you wanna put your
head between your knees?
(audience laughs)
- No, Bob.
- Ah Molly, here.
This should make
you feel better.
It's hot, be real careful, okay?
- Thank you.
- She looked beautiful
at the wedding.
But the minute
she got on the plane
she started to look like this.
(audience laughs)
She's got a weak stomach.
- Please stop telling everybody
I've got a weak stomach, Robert.
- It's nothing to be
ashamed of, sweetheart.
It's like having
knock-knees or something.
You can't help it.
Well not that I mean
you have knock-knees.
Her knees are dead straight.
(audience laughs)
- I'll get us something to eat.
- Hey, you know
what I'd love to do?
Let's go to
Orsotti's for a pizza.
I mean all of us.
My treat.
Bring Matt if you want.
- His name's Mark.
And anyway, they tore down
Orsotti's about a month ago.
- No kidding?
Indianapolis just sat there
and let them tear
down Orsotti's?
Why?
- They're putting up a hospital.
- Well without Orsotti's
they don't need a hospital.
(audience laughs)
(Molly laughs awkwardly)
(audience laughs)
I'm sorry honey,
you're not gonna
get to see Orsotti's after all.
Barb, remember when I
carved our initials in the table?
- [Mark] Uh, honey?
- Yeah?
- Could you bring
me my bathrobe?
- [Barbara] Yeah, excuse me.
(audience laughs)
- Hi there, I'm Bob Morton.
(audience laughs)
You must be Mark.
In fact, you'd better
be Mark, you're naked.
(audience laughs)
- Yes, I almost always do
this when I take a shower.
(audience laughs)
A little quirk.
- Well that's my
wife Molly in there.
Molly, say hello to Mark.
- Hi!
- Hi Molly, I'm naked.
- Why don't we talk to
Mark when he's a little drier?
- Sure, Barb.
See you, Mark.
- Right.
Who is this clown?
- Ssh!
(audience laughs)
He's a friend, get dressed.
What's on a Vesuvius number 12?
- Oh, uh, cheese, tomato
sauce, pepperoni, mushrooms.
- Oh, God... (audience laughs)
- Sorry, Molly.
- Molly, would you
like to lie down?
- Maybe I'd better.
- Miss Romano will take
real good care of you, honey.
She's good with sick people.
Remember the time Barb and I ate
the bacon and
bananas, Miss Romano?
- No...
- Bad timing, Bob.
(audience laughs)
- So, Bob, married this morning.
- Yeah.
We haven't even, well you know.
What's the word?
(audience laughs)
- Consummated?
- Reconfirmed
our return tickets.
(audience laughs)
(Barbara giggles)
Well, what do you think?
- About what?
- About Molly.
Did I do the right thing?
- Oh yeah, she's lovely.
- I know.
Everything was fine
until the minister said,
"Do you, Robert?"
I said "I do" because
I thought I did.
But maybe I don't.
(audience laughs)
They don't give you
much time to think about it.
(audience laughs)
Tell me something
and don't be afraid
to hurt my feelings, okay?
- Okay.
- Are you happy with Mark?
- The answer is yes.
A great big unequivocal,
beautiful yes.
- Don't hold back.
(audience laughs)
- Bob, I love Mark
with all my heart.
- Kind of like what we had?
- Bob, what we
had was friendship.
We were two friends.
We were just two kids
growing up together, that's it.
- Barbara, we shared
puberty together.
(audience laughs)
- No Bob, we didn't.
I had mine more or less
right here in this apartment
and you had yours
eight blocks away.
- Okay, okay, but we
shared lots of things together.
We almost flunked
geometry together.
And remember when
the Hustle first came out?
We tried to teach
each other the steps.
- (chuckles) Let's try.
- No, I don't
remember any of it.
- Oh, sure you do.
It went like this, remember?
(sings the beat of The Hustle)
- Bob.
(audience laughs)
Bob was doing the
uh, see when we...
Sit down, I'll get some coffee.
- Oh, where's Molly?
- She's lying down.
- Is she okay?
- Well she's got a weak stomach.
How tall are you?
(audience laughs)
- About six feet.
- Well that's pretty good.
(audience laughs)
- Bob, Molly is trying to sleep.
- Mom?
- [Ann] Yes?
- Why don't you come in here
and help me with the coffee?
- Uh, sure.
How's it going?
- I don't know, he's
going down memory lane.
Talking about all
the good times,
what we meant to each other.
- Are you kidding?
- I wish I were.
Maybe I'm
overreacting but I think
he still has a thing for me.
- (sighs deeply) Oh boy.
- You know, Bob,
Barbara didn't tell me.
What do you do for a living?
- I'm in containers.
(audience laughs)
- Isn't that kinda cramped?
(audience laughs)
(laughs)
- That's good.
- Yeah.
What sort of containers?
- Cardboard boxes.
You order a pizza
to go that's probably
in our flat AG14-B model.
The one with the
laminated liner.
And those boxes at the
football games? Those are ours.
The one with the hole
right here for the beer.
Model Z-11.
- Got any two-holers?
- Model Z-12.
(audience laughs)
- Listen, the coffee
will be here in a minute.
- Bob's in containers.
- Yeah, I heard.
- Heh, it's kinda cramped.
(laughs annoyingly)
(audience laughs)
(cries in pain)
- Oh God, Alex, are you
okay? What happened?
- Oh, we were
playing touch football
and I hooked my
ankle into this huge girl.
(audience laughs)
(shrieks painfully) That hurts!
Don't touch it, it hurts!
- All right, all right, come on.
Let's take him in the
bedroom and I'll check it out.
- It was like hitting a tree
stump with legwarmers.
(audience laughs)
- He'll be okay.
- Barb, can I ask you something?
- Yeah, Bob I think we
should talk about something.
Sit down.
- Yes.
Let's be honest with each other.
- Yeah.
- Doesn't my shadow hang
over your marriage bed?
(audience laughs)
- No, Bob.
You're making something out of
our relationship that never was.
We were about as romantic
as an orange and a geranium.
(audience laughs)
- Barbara.
- Bob, listen to me.
You have a
beautiful wife in there.
- I know.
But even while she
was walking down
the aisle I began to wonder.
"Am I doing this because
her father pays my salary?"
"Do I want a girl who wants
to make a planter
out of my tuba?"
(audience laughs)
And remember,
I still didn't know
she got airsick at
the drop of a hat.
- Bob, they have a rule.
You can't return a new wife
to the church without a receipt.
- Yeah.
But where am I
going with this thing?
Down the path of life
with a girl I hardly know.
She kisses good.
(audience laughs)
But she doesn't understand
me the way you did.
- Look, Bob.
You never would have married her
if you didn't love her, right?
You're just scared.
I was scared, Mark was scared.
- Yeah, I guess.
- You know what it is?
It's like when you
buy a new house
and you're crazy about it.
Then all of a sudden you
start having second thoughts.
It's called buyer's remorse.
- Barbara, you're so smart.
That's what I've
got, buyer's remorse.
(audience laughs)
Oh, thank you.
Thank you for being my friend.
- Okay.
- Thank you for understanding.
- Okay. (laughs nervously)
(audience gasps)
Robert, that didn't happen.
- No, no, I mean, gee.
You were sitting there
and I was sitting there
and all of a sudden it
was 1979 or something.
(audience laughs)
I'm not fit for the
company of decent people.
- Oh, Bob.
- I was unfaithful with my
sick wife not 20 feet away.
(audience laughs)
- No Bob, you
were not unfaithful.
It was just an impulse, okay?
You will never do it again.
Let me put it this way.
I will never let
you do it again.
- The least you could've
done was slap my face.
(audience laughs)
- Alex twisted his ankle,
Mark is wrapping it.
Oh, Bob, I checked in on Molly
and she seems a lot
better if you wanna see her.
- No.
- No, I mean she's awake.
- Well that makes it worse.
Miss Romano, can I talk
to you alone somewhere?
- Oh Bob, let's settle this.
- Please, Miss Romano.
I need you to talk to me
the way you used to, please.
- Uh, sure, Bob.
- Miss Romano, I
just did the worst thing
I ever did in my entire life.
I don't know what
to do, I feel so guilty.
I feel like throwing
myself out the window.
I feel like I should
be shot or something.
- All right, Bob! Ssh!
Take it easy.
First thing's first, okay?
Take a deep breath.
Go ahead, take a deep breath.
(Bob inhales deeply)
Okay, terrific, now
tell me what happened.
- I have buyer's remorse.
- Let the breath
out, Bob (exhales)
(audience laughs)
- I have buyer's remorse with
Molly and I kissed Barbara.
A minute ago I practically
attacked your daughter.
I kissed her on the
lips, Miss Romano.
(audience laughs)
And for a minute there
it was first class lust.
I'm a very bad human being.
(audience laughs)
- Go on, Bob.
- Well Barbara was sitting there
and all of a sudden
she was my girl again.
What's the matter with me?
- Bob, in your whole life,
how many times have
you kissed Barbara?
- Including birthdays?
- Bob, she was never your girl.
You were friends.
As far as I know
you never kissed her.
Now, tell me about this
buyer's remorse thing with Molly.
- My marriage is
over, Miss Romano.
(audience laughs)
I kissed another woman while
I still have rice in my shoes.
(audience laughs)
- Bull!
- No kidding?
- No kidding.
- Well, thanks
for talking to me.
- Bob wait, I haven't finished.
- Oh no, that's okay.
You straightened me out
just the way you always do.
- [Schneider] Bunch of
slobs, I don't believe this.
Look at this hallway!
Like a bunch of drunken sailors.
- Hello.
- Hiya, Miss Romano.
Bob! Hey, Bob, how are ya?
Hey, it's Bob!
Believe what happened to me?
Some guy, some bum
comes right through
my lobby downstairs with mud.
Into the elevator and
up here in the hallways.
Then some other bum
he drops rice all over it.
(audience laughs)
I got mud pilaf.
(audience laughs)
How are ya?
- Oh, I'm fine.
- Fine? What's the
matter with him?
- Nothing is the matter
with him, Schneider.
He was married this morning
and we were in the middle of-
- You were married this morning?
You little rascal!
Congratulations!
Where's the little woman?
- Oh, she's a little
sick to her stomach.
- So soon?
(audience laughs)
Well anyway, you
got married, right?
That's a wedding, so
that takes care of the rice.
Now we gotta find that bum
who dragged all this mud in here.
Nice shoes, nice and clean.
You're a nice guy.
- This is not turning out
to be my favorite day.
- Why not?
- Well, we've got a kissing
bridegroom in the bathroom,
an unsuspecting
husband in his bedroom,
a sick bride in my bedroom.
And a very unhappy boy out here.
- Me?
- Yeah.
Alex, why don't you go
look out in the hallway, huh?
- All right.
- You dragged
mud up here, right?
Now you're gonna
go and clean it up.
(phonily cries out in pain)
(Ann laughs) (audience laughs)
Oh, what a brave soldier,
you deserve a Purple Heart.
- When that bone
sticks into that muscle.
- Instead I'm
gonna give you this.
Use it well, soldier.
- You're not kidding about this.
- I'm not kidding about this.
Schneider is ready to kill.
Come on, I'll start you
off, show you how it works
and then you're on your own.
- You're too kind.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I've been to the bathroom.
(audience laughs)
- Congratulations.
(audience laughs)
- Mark?
- Yes?
- I gotta talk to you.
I mean I gotta talk
to you right now
before I stop
wanting to talk to you.
You better sit down.
Mark, I was unfaithful to my
wife with your wife just now.
(audience laughs)
Right there.
(audience laughs)
- Bob, I seriously
doubt that you
were unfaithful with anyone.
- I wasn't?
- Well, there
wasn't time, really.
(audience laughs)
Besides, I trust Barbara.
So why don't you tell
me what really happened?
- I kissed her.
- Oh, I see.
- Well don't you care?
I mean, this tall,
nice-looking guy
comes into your house
and kisses your wife?
If you knew what
was going through
my head you'd have me shot.
- Well I'll tell you what.
When your wife comes out
I'll kiss her and we'll be even.
(audience laughs)
- You're weird.
(audience laughs)
- Look, Bob.
You once knew Barbara and
you wanted to see her again
before you and Molly started
on your new life together.
You got carried away and
you kissed Barbara, right?
Well that's that.
If you did it again
I'd probably get nasty
but it's not gonna
happen again, is it?
- Heck no.
- That's it.
How about a beer?
- You're terrific!
- Yes, I know.
(audience laughs)
- Barb, this man is terrific.
- Yes, I know.
(audience laughs)
- I told him I kissed you
and he doesn't even care.
- Of course he
doesn't care, Bob.
There was nothing to it, okay?
It was just like the
time the two of us
spent the night in
Chicago together.
- Barb, that's like
a sacred thing.
- Now I care.
(audience laughs)
- You and Bob went to Chicago?
- In a way.
- In a way?
- Yeah.
- Alex, I do not care
where your mud stops
and somebody else's mud begins.
Just clean up the
whole thing, okay?
(door slams)
What's wrong?
- Bob and Barbara spent
the night together in Chicago,
in a way.
- Oh yes, that was nothing.
They were trying
to get my attention.
- They have mine.
- Mine too.
- Look, I wasn't paying
enough attention to her.
I was paying attention
to Julie at that time.
So Bob and Barbara
went to Chicago
and stayed in this cheap motel.
- A motel? Oh, well.
(audience laughs)
- Miss Romano.
The child labor
laws say that a kid
with a broken leg
cannot mop hallways.
- He does not have a
broken leg, Schneider.
- Holy mackerel.
The Wings of
Loudness by Kaloshki.
- That's right.
(audience laughs)
- I picked up one of those when
I was crossing a
border at Tijuana.
(audience laughs)
- Mark, Molly, look.
Bob and Barbara went
to Chicago only because-
- Oh, Chicago, yeah yeah.
(audience laughs)
I remember that trip. (laughs)
Two dumb little
kids trying to find out
all about life in Chicago.
(laughs obnoxiously)
(audience laughs)
Chicago's a toddling town.
♪ Chicago, Chicago.
(audience laughs)
What are you staring at me for?!
They had a blanket
on the bed with them.
It wasn't flat, it was an
up and down blanket.
It was like a wall.
- Schneider.
- What?
- Shut up.
- Of course, why
didn't you says so?
Such brilliance, sit down Bob.
- I'm really sorry
I brought it up.
But the point is,
nothing happened.
Really.
- Look, it doesn't matter
who brought it up or why.
Honey, I don't care what
happened before we were married.
I do care about
what's happened since.
Seven and a half
hours of misery.
- You were airsick.
- Maybe I wasn't airsick.
I just know I've
never gotten airsick
in all my years of skydiving.
(audience laughs)
Maybe I was upset because
of the way you've been acting.
Like we're strangers.
Like all of a sudden you don't
even know what to say to me.
The last thing I remember
you saying to me was "I do".
- I on the plane I said-
- On the plane you
spent two hours reading
the instructions on how to
inflate your flotation jacket.
- I like to be prepared.
- Over Indiana?
(audience laughs)
- Honey, you dragged me in here
to be checked
out by your friends.
And I heard all about
the good old days,
the number 12
pizza at Orsotti's,
and your rendez-vous
with Barbara Cooper
in some sleazy motel in Chicago.
- [All] Nothing happened!
(audience laughs)
- It was all innocent.
Just like the kiss I gave
Barbara a few minutes ago.
(Schneider groans)
- You kissed Barbara?
- Well yeah, while
you were being sick.
It was like an impulse.
(Molly breathes heavily)
Molly?
Molly, you okay?
(Molly breathes more heavily)
- Molly?
(audience laughs)
- Molly?
(audience laughs)
- Molly?
- Molly!
(audience laughs)
- Shall we leave, Bob?
We've got a honeymoon to go to.
Thank you very much, everyone.
I've had a wonderful
time meeting all of you.
(audience laughs)
Aren't you going to say
goodbye to Barbara, Bob?
- Goodbye, Bob.
(audience laughs)
- Bye, Barbara.
- Bye, Barbara.
- Molly.
- Bye, everybody.
Thanks for a
wonderful afternoon.
(audience applauds)
(trumpet music)