One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 8, Episode 19 - A Young Man's Fancy - full transcript

♪ This is it this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it this is it

♪ Straight ahead and rest
assured you can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doin' what you do

♪ So hold tight we'll muddle
through one day at a time

♪ One day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Once you've heard enough

♪ So just take it like it comes

♪ One day a time one day a time

♪ One day at a
time bah bah dum bah

♪ One day at a time

- Uhuh, the what'd you say?

What did she say?

Then what did you say?

(audience laughs)

What, you said that to a girl?

Even Olivia Birvey?

Come on, are you telling
me she just sat there

and let you teach her to sit up?

(audience laughs)

- Hi Alex.

- Hi Barb, I'm talking
to Jimmy Latimer.

- Okay.

- Yeah, he's got this great
beagle that does lots of tricks.

- Good.

- She sits up and everything.

- Terrific.

- Then what?


Yeah I know everybody
says she does

but that really
doesn't prove that...

Mmhmm, I know Olivia, she
sits right behind me in English.

Listen Jimmy I gotta go,
okay, yeah, see ya, bye.

- Who's the girl?

- What girl?

- Oh Mark, but it
was about a girl.

Her name is Olivia Birvey.

- Just a second, Mrs.
Royer, you wanna

get out here and
kiss your husband?

Olivia who?

- Birvey, the guys call her
Curvy Birvey, she's kinda...

- Yeah, yeah.

- Hi.

- Oh hi.

That's it, that's my kiss?

- Oh yeah I'm studying
in the bedroom.

And I don't want
you in there because

I'm studying in the bedroom.

(audience laughs)



(audience laughs)

- Want something?

- No, no that's okay.

In your school, Mark,
did you ever have,

I mean, when you
were my age was there

ever a girl that everybody.

- Oh yeah sure, we had one.

Her name was Patty
Bukinski, popular girl.

- See in a coupla a
days I'm gonna be 15

and everybody else but me has

- You mean everybody
else but you says they have.

- You know the male
sexual urge peaks at 17,

I could miss the whole thing.

(audience laughs)

- Alex, I'm not gonna
stand here and tell you

that sex is a horrible
thing, we both know it isn't.

- I don't know it.

- Well what I'm saying is that

doing it just because you think

everybody else is
doing it's a big crock.

- I know but isn't it
about time I found out.

- What you're 15, is that
some kind of magic number?

Look Alex, there are
responsibilities that go along with it.

I don't believe this I
sound like my father.

(audience laughs)

- School may teach
you all about sex

with graphs and
charts and an arrow

that points to the
ovum and another arrow

that points to the spermatazoa.

I mean come on,
even I know that sex

is more than two arrows
pointing to each other.

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, so?

- Nobody tells you
anything exactly.

Well, yeah they do
but no two exactly's

are exactly the same.

- Exactly.

You want my advice?

- Yeah.

- Hold off for a little while.

You're 15, you
got plenty of time.

So go out get
some other opinions,

and you and I
will discuss it later,

exactly, if that's
what you want.

- When?

- Anybody gonna say Hello?

- Hi.
- Hi.


- We'll set a time, okay?

- All right, thanks.

- Sure.

I'd give you back your
dining room, Annie,

but your daughter forbids
me the bedroom, any advice?

- Beat her with a wet noodle.

- Al dente?

I'm out.

- Uh okay, what did I miss?

What were you two talking about?

- Nothing.

Well, no.

See my 15th birthday
is coming up, right?

And when you're
that old there's sort of

a social thing that
goes along with it.

- Girls.

- Yeah yeah yeah, girls
and guys together sort of.

- I know exactly what you mean.

There was a boy on our
block who hit me all the time.

I hated him.

Well, one day I
was invited to a party

and he was there and all
the sudden for no reason

he was all golden and wonderful.

Matt Momanonna was a rare boy.

- No kidding, at a party.

- A birthday party, I was eight.

- Eight, eight?

Miss R I'm gonna be
15, I'm not talking about

meeting some
kid at a kid's party.

I'm talking about guys and girls

who are almost men and
women getting together.

- I know what
you're trying to say.

If it were Barbara
and Julie they

would come right out and ask.

- They would?

- Mmhmm, in a flash.

Well, I'm gonna see that
you get what you want.

(audience laughs)

You deserve it.

- Yeah?

- Mmhmm.

So you should
start making a list.

- A list?

Miss R I'm not sure we're
talkin' about the same thing here.

- I'm talkin' about a party,
what are you talking about?

- Party.

(audience laughs)

- Of course, you're
more transparent than

you think you are, sweetheart.

- I guess I am.

- Okay, uh, is this
coming Saturday too soon?

- No that'd be great.

- Terrific.

- Yeah thanks.

- Party.

- Hey listen is it okay if I go

over to Jimmy Latimer's
if his mother says it okay

I mean tonight
actually pretty soon?

- Of course, 15 does
have its privileges.

- Yeah.

Olivia, Olivia hi this
is Alex Handricks.

Yeah, yeah, hi.

Olivia we keep seeing
each other in English, right?

I mean when I turn around
in my seat, there you are.


(audience laughs)

You wanna do homework with me?

I mean at your house,
some night when your

folks aren't home so
we can really study.


Tonight, folks
aren't, no ah great.

Hey listen Jimmy, I'll
bring over the books.

Yeah, yeah, hey I'm
sorry your cat's sick.

Okay, okay bye.

- Well, obviously his
mother said it was okay.

- Yeah, hey listen,
don't worry if I'm late.

Got a lot of ground
to cover over there.

See 'cause the
cat's sick and I'm

more compassionate
than he is, you know.

- Okay.

- Okay, okay bye.

(audience laughs)

Olivia, don't you
ever study with music?

- Sure, do you like the
Go-Gos to study by?

How about something
more romantic like the Clash.

- I've got some
really great tapes.

Thought it'd be easier
if I came over here

and we could share
the same book.

Might be more friendly.

- Sure, are you okay, do
you have enough room.

- Yeah I don't even mind
being a little crowded.

Sure beats having
you sit behind me.


(audience laughs)

- You know I was wondering.

- What?

- How come you suddenly
called me up tonight.

- I don't know I guess
something sort of came over me.

I mean I remembered
how good looking you are.

Maybe good looking is
a weird way of putting it.

- No it isn't, I'm good looking.

(audience laughs)

- Right, right.

Anyway I'm having this
birthday party Saturday night.

You're invited,
just us older kids.

Eh, here we are sitting in a
chair, doing homework together.

Only we aren't.

- I don't feel like
doing homework.

- Me neither.

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

- Do you like walnuts?

(audience laughs)

- What?

- These are candied walnuts.

My mother makes them,
here go ahead take one.

I just kissed you.

- I didn't mind.

- Thanks.

Hey listen did anybody ever
tell you you got great eyes.

- Yes.

(audience laughs)

- They were right.

- These are figs, my mother
gets them from California

and she dips them in honey
and bakes 'em in the oven.

Do you like raisins?

- Olivia if you don't want
me to kiss you anymore

you can just say,
you don't have to keep

filling my mouth with food.

(phone rings)

- Hello?

John, I thought you
were up at the lake.

I'd like to see
you too, tonight?

Oh really, okay great
come over, I'm alone.

Oh good I can't wait, okay bye.

That's a friend of
mine, he's a senior.

- Uhuh.

- Alex I had to tell
him I was alone.

Seniors don't understand
ordinary freshman friendships.

- Right.

- Well you don't have to go
he won't be here for a while.

- Oh I can't stay any
longer Olivia, I'm on a diet.


- Hi Schneider.

- Kid you almost
made me miss the shot.

We coulda lost to the Russians.

(audience laughs)

- I'm sorry.

- How are ya?

- I don't know.

- Uh oh, wait a minute
now, wait a minute.

What'dya lose your
wallet, flunk something?

Trouble with girls?

Trouble with girls.

All right, step into my office.

- Schneider am I
weird or something

I'm now 15 and
with girls, nothing.

Shouldn't there be
something by now?

- Well yes, no, maybe,
why what are you saying?

- All right, listen to this.

Last night I go over to
Olivia Birvey's house.

She's the school, um,
you know the guys all say.

- I know, Adelle Apadulla, yeah.

- Yeah, like that.

I struck out, but
I'm the only guy

in the world who ever
struck out with Olivia.

- Now wait a
second, wait a minute,

I mean guys do a lot
of talking, you know.

They also do a lot of lying.

Most of the things that
guys say they do, they don't.

- Yeah but Schneider...

- Let me ask you a question.

Do you love this Olivia?

- Of course not.

- All right, sit down, we gotta

have a talk here, man to man.

- All right, now, let me try to

tell you something about sex.

Key words here could be love.

I mean sex without love is
like surfing without a wave.

(audience laughs)

You're havin' a lot of fun
but you ain't goin' anywhere.

Now why did you go over there?

- I just thought
maybe it was time...

- Oh you just thought,
you just thought, huh?

Promise me
somethin' Alex, please.

You can make love in
your lifetime all you want,

but don't ever, don't ever
make love for the wrong reasons.

- What are the wrong reasons?

- There aren't any.

(audience laughs)

Come on kid, we're havin'
a heavy conversation.

I put a joke in, of course
there's a lot of wrong reasons,

I mean a lot, you know, sure.

- How did you get started?

- Oh gosh don't go by me,
I mean I'm the exception.

I've had a crazy career,
I even took lessons.

- Lessons?

- Yeah, she, she was, was
an older woman, you know,

she's married a coupla times.

She taught dancin'
for Arthur Murray.

- Wow, how old were you?

- Old enough to tango.

Yeah she was
pretty nice, you know,

and she helped guide me
through the shoals of dumbness

that all young kids
have, you know.

Hey I'm not talking about
the morals of the thing now,

that's another conversation.

But I'll tell you this, what
young girls don't know,

older women have forgotten.

- How'd it all end?

- Oh well one of the boyfriends,

you know he through
me down the stairwell.

It was a small price
to pay, actually.

But in the meantime, okay?

Don't, don't push it, right?

And remember, key
word, could be love.

- Thanks Schneider.

- Hey, what are
we talking about?

We buddies, pals, what, come on.

Come to me anytime.

- See ya later.

- See ya later.

- Oh, oh hello handsome.

- Oh hi Francine.

- Are you going steady yet?

- Me, no.

- Oh, good, then there's
still some hope for me.

Anne I'm so glad you're here.

Guess what we heard
from the toy manufacturer.

(audience laughs)

I do think...

- Where's Alex I wanna
talk about the party.

- Gone.

- What do you mean gone?

- Not here, out, bye bye.

- Yeah but it's a school night,
he was here a minute ago.

- Let me see if I can remember.

He said that he has
done all his homework,

Jimmy Latimer is about to flunk
geometry, needs Alex's help,

don't call him, he'll call you.

- He's still seeing that girl.

Could I have a beer, pal?

- You know he doused
himself with somethin'

that would kill
termites at 50 paces.

I don't know Mom I think this
one needs your looking into.

- You know he was
asking me intimate

details on sex yesterday.

- Well he went to the master.

(audience laughs)

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

(audience laughs)

No it seemed urgent,
more Patty Pakinski.

- Patty Pakinski?

- Yeah she was the
school, you know.

- Mmm Carol May Lewis.

- Trish the Dish.

- Yeah I don't know
Mom I'm not kidding.

I really think you should
find out what Alex is up to.

- Oh honey come
on stop worrying.

The child isn't even 15 yet.

I wonder what the girl's like.


Oh, Alex, well please come in.

Well, how nice you look.

- Thanks, you always
said to drop by anytime.

- I know, you're
here and I'm flattered.

- Are you?

- Of course.

Please come in and sit down.

Would you like
something to drink?

- Uh, sure, sure.

- Okay.

Well, now, what
can I do for you?

- Huh?

- You came over here
for a reason, right?

(phone rings)

Oh, excuse me one second.

Hello, oh Stephen, hello.

Oh I adored the
roses that you sent.

Yes, and the sweet
note, and the poem.

Tonight, um no,
not tonight, Stephen

because I have a friend here.

His name's Alex and
he's very dear to me.

Soon, Stephen,
soon, hah, goodbye.

- Francine, you didn't have
to get rid of him just for me.

- Shall I tell you the
truth, he bores me

half to death and
you do not, to us.

- No kidding?

- No kidding.

- Don't you like ginger ale?

- Well I think that
was a bad year.

Now, what can I do for you?

(audience laughs)

- Well, Francine, I'm
gonna be 15 tomorrow.

- 15, you are turning into a
man right in front of my eyes.

- Yeah, I guess I am.

Anyway, you always
say you sort of like me

and you call me handsome
and sexy and everything right?

- Right.

- I mean I don't think you
love me or any dumb thing

like that just because
you say these things.

- Good, good.

- I mean you probably go
out with a bunch of other guys.

- One or two, yes.

- But you see, just
now you said to us

and you said I was
turning into a man.

Wanna dance?

(audience laughs)

- Dance?

- Yeah, maybe
something slow with harps.

(audience laughs)

- Harps, well I'm
sure I can find

something if I look long enough.

- I trust your judgment.

- Oh, well,

(romantic music)

- Uh what is that scent?

- It's called Beast.

(audience laughs)

- It's uh, it's quite pungent.

- Oh thanks, I bought
it at a drug store

on the way home from school.

- Then you've been thinking
about this for quite a while.

- All my life.

- Alex, I... (phone rings)

The phone, well
excuse me, excuse me.

Hello, hello, oh hello, oh my

you certainly do
have a way with timing.

- Can you get rid of him?

- Just, just one minute, okay.

- I have someone here
Fred, so make it brief okay.

- Haha Fred, you've
got one of your

male companions
over there, right?

- In a way, yes,
and see I'm just

a little bit puzzled
as to what to do

with this particular product.

- Hey look I don't
have time for your cute

little maneuvers
Francine, I'm calling

about the Rossmore account.

Exactly, exactly, I think we
oughta name that product

after that famous Macedonian,
what was his name?

- What are you,
Alexander the Great.

- Woah how clever
of you to think of it.

- Alexander dog biscuits?

- No, no, Fred
that's going to be

a little bit too
big for the label.

Try the first four letters.

- A-L-E-X.

- I have that product right
here in this apartment.

- Are you tell me Francine
that Alex is over there with you?

- You're a little slow Fred
but you finally got the point.

- Gang listen to this, Alex is
over at Francine's apartment.

Francine you wanna tell me why?

- Well maybe we oughta
think in terms of football

on this client,
Fred, lots of passes.

(audience laughs)

- Alex is making a pass at you?

- What?

(audience laughs)

- Hold on a minute
Francine, Schneider is

making noises here
that makes me think

he might know
something about this.

- Yesterday, yesterday
afternoon me and Alex

were having a talk
about life and love

and you know and everything
and I explained to him

that my first encounter
was with an older woman.

(audience laughs)

- Thank you, Schneider,
that's just great.

That's really terrific.

- Francine, we now know
the reason for your problem.

Schneider, the ambulatory mouth.

- Look this is, this is a
very new product, right?

It's very young on
the marketplace,

now do you want it
damaged, well exactly.

So this is a very
important account

and very close to both of us
and we're going to have to live

with it for quite a few
years, especially you.

So we can't take
away its dignity.

- You might be right.

- Fine, Fred I, I will
have the product

back to you in just a very
little while, good as new.

You can take it from there, bye.

- Bye Francine.

- Don't you wanna dance anymore?

- No, no I'm sorry Alex I
don't wanna dance anymore.

Actually I have a
problem and I would really

like to talk to you about it.

- Guy on the phone?

- Who, oh Fred,
no, wait yes, oh yes.

As a matter of fact
that, well that's exactly

what the problem is about.

But see what the
problem is, Alex,

is that well Fred is starting
to get serious about me,

I mean really, I
mean really serious.

I mean he, well he covers
it with a lot of business talk

but well, see the
thing is, is that

well I'm starting to get
serious about Fred, too.

- No kidding.

- No kidding.

But you see the thing
is I just don't know

if I can be true to him.

Alex a woman meets
several men in her life

that she really responds
to, I mean there's

Jonathon and Alfred
and you, Edward.

Do you think I'm terrible.

- Ah, no.

Can't walk around
with blinders on.

- Oh how wise you are.

- So you gonna go
steady with this guy, Fred?

- Oh well I think I may.

- But you got this problem
of looking at other guys?

- Yes, yes that's it exactly.

- I mean I know I should
give up the rest of you guys

but I just, I just, well I
just don't know what to do.

Alex, what do you
think I should do?

- All right, all right
here's what I think, okay?

Francine, if you go
steady with this Fred

you better tell
Jonathon and Alfred and,

- Frank.

- I thought it was Edward.

- Edward too, oh my
I really am a Jezebel.

Oh Alex what am I going to do.

- Well I don't know
Francine but I'll

tell you what I
think you oughta do.

Love is important, so
you oughta get rid of

all those other guys, even me.

- Even you?

(audience laughs)

Well, can we still be friends?

- Uh, yeah, sure.

Hey listen I gotta
get goin' okay.

I got some stuff I wanna
talk over with Mark

or Schneider or maybe the coach.

- Alex, thank you
for all the wonderful

advice you've given me tonight.

- It's all right.

You know what, you're
a real great older lady.

- Thanks, thank you.

- Bye, Francine.

- Bye.

(audience claps)

(saxophone and drum music)