One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 8, Episode 18 - Social Insecurity - full transcript
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you
♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ Just take it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
(screams)
- [Ann] Schneider!
- I'm sorry, Ms. Romano.
I really, I'm
really sorry, gosh.
I'm sorry, Ms. Romano,
I was just doing
my semi-annual inspection.
- Did I pass?
- I didn't see that much.
Anything, I didn't see anything.
I wasn't trying to
look in the window.
I wasn't looking in the window.
I was just, I was
checking on the doors
and the fire escapes
and the windows and stuff,
you know, to make
sure that people are,
well people have got to
get out of here in a hurry
if they have to, you know?
- Uh huh, how about
a demonstration?
- All right, you
don't have to hit me
in the forehead
with a shovel, huh?
- Hi, hi.
Oh Annie, honey.
Oh, I am so glad I caught you.
- I've been caught
enough, thank you.
- You weren't caught,
I didn't see anything.
I didn't try to see anything.
I don't want to see anything.
And I resent, I
really resent the fact
that you think I
might be otherwise.
- Okay Schneider, I'm sorry.
- Good.
Of course, I never
have seen freckles
exactly there before.
- Freckles, where?
- Mom, ignore him.
It's really very simple.
- Honey, I just dropped
by to pay you back
for the lunch Wednesday, okay?
- Oh come on
Mom, it was my treat.
- [Katherine] No no no, I had
the tuna salad, the coleslaw,
and the iced tea.
- Oh gee Mom.
Do you always have to do that?
- Yeah well now,
that comes to $11.63,
and here is a check.
- A check, don't
be ridiculous, Mom.
$13.84?
- Yeah, well that's
with the can of hairspray
that you picked
up at the drugstore.
- Oh Mom, you're
constantly doing this.
You know that?
- I know, I know, I know.
Listen, where's Alex?
- He's listening to the stereo.
I'll get him for you.
- Hey, who turned off the music?
I'm trying to study.
Hi, Grandma.
- Hi, darling.
Listen, you know, I just
happened to be in a store
and I just happened
to see something
that you have
needed for a long time.
- Something I've
needed for a long time.
A telephone, my own phone.
That's what I've always wanted.
That's what I've always needed.
I can't believe it,
my own lunch box.
- And it's really,
really with it.
I mean, it is hip.
See, it's got pictures of
the Osmond family all over it.
That's Donnie, and
that one is Jimmy...
- Mom, you really
shouldn't have.
- She's right.
I mean, boy, my own
Osmond family lunch box.
- Yeah.
And just wait, just wait'll
the kids at school see it.
- Yeah, wait.
Thanks, Grandma.
- Sure, honey.
- I saw it.
- Yeah.
- Mom, you're really
something, you know that?
You can't seem to
come over here without
a pot roast or a
present or both.
- Oh really?
Well, not this time.
Here, meatloaf.
Now honey, the little green
things are bell peppers.
I know that you hate
them, but they are
very, very good for
your intestinal tract.
- Mom, someday
you're gonna surprise us
and come over here
with nothing but yourself.
- Don't get cute
with me, little girl.
Remember me?
I know what color
your hair really is.
- Mom, what's bugging you, huh?
Come on, sit down,
sit down, sit down,
sit down, sit down.
- Sit down, sit down.
Sit down where?
Have you got a nice
rocking chair for me?
Maybe a nice old shawl?
You know Annie, you
were the one who was
always picking up the checks,
you're paying for the parking,
the gas, the movies, and
I know what you're up to.
- What?
- Well, believe me young lady.
I am not gonna move back
in here with my daughter.
- What the hell are
you talking about?
- Oh Annie, come on,
just take out the garbage.
Okay, okay?
- Hi, Grandma.
- Oh, shut up Barbara.
- What's wrong?
- Barbara, stay
out of this, okay?
- Stop picking on
my granddaughter.
- I am not picking,
Mom, do me a favor.
Mom, stay for dinner, okay?
We can sit down, we can
have a nice, wonderful,
all out mother
and daughter talk.
- Yeah sure, yeah sure.
Who gets to be mother?
Annie, there is
nothing to discuss.
And even if there
was, even if there was,
I can't make it tonight.
I have plans.
- Again?
Mom, I've asked you
for dinner five times
in the last two weeks.
You're always busy.
What's going on?
- That is my business.
I'm over 21, remember?
I'm old enough
to be your mother.
- Mom, we're friends.
We've never had
secrets from each other.
- This isn't a secret.
- What isn't?
- I can't tell you.
I've got to run.
- Where are you going?
- Out.
- What are you gonna do?
- Nothing.
(groans)
- Katherine?
- Oh Dwayne, I
blew it, I really blew it.
She knows darn well
something is wrong.
- Uh oh.
Does she know what I did?
- No.
- Well you know,
you take my advice,
you go ahead and tell her.
I mean, you told me.
- Yeah, but that's different.
- Okay, so she's not a man,
but she might understand.
- Yeah but Dwayne,
this is not something
that you can tell your daughter,
and you're not going
to tell her either.
- No I won't, I promise you.
- Oh Schneider, I
just, I mean I just,
how did all of this happen?
- Oh Katherine, Katherine.
(crying)
- What's wrong?
What's wrong, Grandma?
- Oh Mark.
Nothing's wrong.
Isn't this is a lovely day?
(crying)
- I sure have a way
with women, don't I?
- [Barbara] Okay then, it's
not some serious illness.
What is it then?
Has she gone
back to shoplifting?
- Hi.
- Hi.
Maybe it's a man.
- Thanks, maybe it's a husband.
- That's it.
Maybe it's a married man.
- Girl needs target practice.
- Who in the world
would go to school
carrying an Osmond
family lunch box?
Not even an Osmond.
- Hey, could we drop
it with Donny and Marie
for awhile, please?
- Mom, I want to know
what's wrong with Grandma.
- Well honey, I really
don't think it's a man,
otherwise she
would have told me.
- Grandma and a man?
- I think you'd
better ask Schneider.
- Grandma and Schneider?
- Alex.
- Grandma and the Osmonds.
- Alex.
- You know, it's a
wonder I don't have
a Yogi Bear complex.
I spend so much time in my
room, I think I'm hibernating.
Hey, Boo Boo.
- Grandma and
Schneider were whispering
in the hallway and she
was really blubbering.
- Mom was crying?
- Yeah.
- Schneider knows what's
bothering my mother.
Why is she confiding
in him and not me?
- Excuse me, I got
to get my flashlight.
- Hold it a minute, Schneider.
What's going on with my mom?
- Just got to get
my flashlight.
- You do know.
- Yes, I know.
- Okay then, tell
us what's going on.
- Come on, talk.
- I made a promise.
So happens, Schneider
makes a promise,
he gives his word
and that's his bond.
I don't want to hear anything
more about this, okay?
Case.
Closed.
All right, I'll say this.
Whenever I have a problem,
whenever something's
really bugging me, okay?
I go bowling.
- What?
- You'd probably be
a very good bowler.
I mean, you're built low to the
ground and stable, you know.
- Schneider, what the
hell are you talking about?
- Bowling, tonight,
seven o'clock.
- You're taking me bowling
tonight at seven o'clock.
- Well all right, if you insist.
- What is going on here?
- I don't know, but I'm
gonna find out tonight.
- You mean you're going?
- You bet.
In some bizarre way,
he's trying to tell me
something about Mom.
Schneider, what am I doing here?
- All right now look,
I'm gonna go get us
the best alley in the
whole joint, right?
I think number 17 has
got round bottom pins.
(laughs)
All I want you to
do, Ms. Romano, is
I want you to buy
a couple of drinks.
I'll take a little bourbon
and branch water, okay?
- Should be great.
Don't like drinking,
hate bowling.
- Okay, what'll it be?
- Mom.
- The usual?
- Mom, what are you...
- What are you doing
in a place like this?
- Me?
- My own daughter.
Looking for Mr. Good Year.
- Look, Mom...
- I know, I know it's
none of my business.
And if that's the way you feel,
I'll just pretend that I
never even saw you.
- Mom...
- It's okay.
Forget it, I'll never
mention it again.
Goodbye, Annie.
- Nice try.
Could you just, one
minute, excuse me.
All right, let's cut
the preliminaries
and get right to it.
- I don't believe this.
Can't a guy just sit
quietly by himself
and drink his drink without
some frustrated female,
as always, got to
be hitting on him?
What am I, a hunk
of sirloin, what?
- All right, what do you want?
- I'd like a few answers.
First of all, what
are you doing here?
- I am just filling in.
A favor to a friend.
- Schneider.
- Order in, Katie.
- Oh, coming up.
I've got booze to move.
- [Ann] Okay, how
about a little service here?
How about...
- All right, all right.
What do you want?
- The truth and a
glass of white wine.
- All right, all right.
- Hi, ladies.
- Oh, fink.
- Nerd.
- You told.
Annie, Annie really,
this is just temporary.
- She's right, you know.
When Rosie come
back, we're gonna have to
get her another job.
- Zip it, Schneider.
- You're working here
because you have to?
- Of course she does,
she needs the money.
- I said zip it, Schneider.
- Well let's fake praise.
For the one man who
effectively opened up
the lines of communication
between you two.
Excuse me, I got to
go pick up a spare.
- Mom, what happened
to your money?
- This place is a
blast, just fun, fun, fun.
- Same all around, Katie.
- Just a minute, Katie.
- Time is money.
You are cutting in on
my tip action, okay?
- Mom.
- Would you just hold
it just a minute, Annie?
- Yeah well, Mom...
- Annie, I have work
to do, one, two, three.
Here we go.
Oh, perfect.
Now.
What did you want to know?
- Okay Mom, I just
don't understand.
Could you tell me why
you're working here?
Please?
- Annie, I know how you feel.
Working in a bar is like sex.
- [Ann] What?
- I mean, it's just
one of those things
that you never dreamed that
your own mother would do.
- Mom.
There's nothing wrong with
working in a bar if you want to.
There's certainly nothing
wrong with working
if you want to, but do you?
- If you don't mind, I
have to finish this order.
- Mom, finish as many
orders as you want,
but I won't let you build
a wall, not between us.
- Honey, I am okay.
I'm okay.
I nursed you.
I burped you, I
braided your hair.
I helped you pick out
your first bra, remember?
I'm the one who dries the tears.
You come to me when
you're in trouble, remember?
- Yes Mom, I will, I do, but
Mom, when do you get off work?
- Midnight.
And it's too late
for you to be up.
- I think I can make it, Mom.
I took my nap.
- Okay, get you again?
Good, here we go.
That's it?
Okay, goodnight.
Well Annie, it should
be pretty obvious
you have absolutely no reason
to worry about your old mom.
I am a pretty good bartender.
- I'm sure you are.
- Darn right, pretty good.
And a whole lot cuter than most.
You know, actually, I've just
thrown myself into my work.
- I can tell.
- You know, Annie, if you
can make good spaghetti sauce
with oregano, there is
nothing to a dry martini
with a twist.
- Mom, it's late,
I'm tired, and you've
had too much to drink.
- Oh Annie, I don't drink.
- Mom, you taste tested
every drink you made.
- Well sure, I'm
a professionist.
- Mom.
If you were in trouble,
why didn't you tell me?
- Annie, I don't want to be
a burden on my daughter,
or my granddaughters,
or my great-granddaughter,
or my great-great-great,
how many was that?
- Mom.
Mom.
- Annie, don't Mom me.
And look, just don't go
jumping to conclusions
because I happened to buy
this blouse at a thrift shop.
- It's very nice, Mom.
Really, as a matter of fact,
your friend Jenny Hogan
has one that looks
very much like it
and she's a very elegant lady.
- Oh, I'm wearing Jenny
Hogan's secondhand clothes.
- Mother, drink your coffee.
I'm gonna take you home.
- Annie, I don't want
you taking care of me.
- Great, I don't want
to take care of you.
- Boy, now that is
gratitude for you.
- But if I can help...
- Annie, I'm still
young, I can work.
- Yes, you can Mom, but
you didn't plan on working.
- Well, I didn't plan
on getting older.
And I didn't plan on shoes
being 40 dollars a shoe.
- Mom, I thought
you were all setup.
I mean, I know that
you've got the interest
on the money that Dad
left and the life insurance,
and I know you're collecting
on Daddy's social security.
- Yeah well, Ronald
Reagan is eligible
for social security.
Did you notice he's
picked up a job?
You think he knows
something that we don't?
- Hard to imagine.
Get us both some coffee.
- You know Annie,
everything used to be so fine.
Now I have to
find a grocery store
that thinks it's 1963.
Boy, that's the
government for you.
They fix your incomes and
they forget to fix your outgoes.
- Mom, if anything
needs fixing, we can fix it.
- I do not want you to help me.
- Okay.
Then how about
you're helping me?
- Oh no, no, no, no.
No, you're not gonna
set me up, honey.
- I'm worried.
- No, no, no, no.
I'm not gonna fall
under your trap.
I know all the mother tricks.
- It's not just the
few gray hairs
and the added wrinkles
around my eyes.
It's not even the
sleepless nights.
- You're doing it.
- It's not even the
stress and anxiety.
I've been taking very
good care of myself
since my heart attack.
- Here it comes.
- Mom, you're the only
one who can help me.
I'm worried sick about you.
I can't help it, I can't stop.
(gasps)
- Trapped.
- All I'm asking is one
more little sacrifice for me.
- Oh.
You did it.
- Good, tomorrow.
My place, about
five o'clock with all
of your financial records.
- How did you do that?
I thought I knew all the tricks.
(laughs)
- Your mom here?
- No, not yet.
- Ms. Romano, we got a problem.
- Oh great, just what I
need, another problem.
- I've been working on
your mom's television set.
I want to tell
you it's hopeless.
I mean, I don't know whether
to call Marconi or Houdini.
- Schneider, can't
you do anything with it?
- Yeah.
Burial at sea would be nice.
- Mom loves TV.
- Hmm, well she still
watches television
over at her
neighbor's, you know?
She goes over there,
mostly Sunday nights.
- Really, I had no idea.
- Well, it has its advantages.
Free chips and dip, you
know, a couple of laughs
and it's a nice change,
sitting in a heated apartment.
- What are you talking about?
Mom has heat.
- Well yeah but
she keeps it at 62.
She says it's
invigorating, you know.
- Schneider, you knew that?
Why didn't you tell me?
Why didn't she tell me?
- Why didn't she tell
you that she's eating
macaroni four days a week?
That she doesn't take
her newspaper anymore?
That she hasn't seen
a movie in months?
Why didn't she tell you
that she sold her T-service?
- She sold her T-service.
- You knew?
- No, Schneider, I didn't know.
Damn, why didn't you tell me?
I could've done something.
- Oh wait a second.
Wait now, here it comes, right?
The guilt, right?
- What are you talking about?
- You're not
responsible, Ms. Romano.
I mean, you're
running a business,
you're engaged to Sam,
you've got your own life to lead.
- That's not the point.
- You know, I was thinking.
It's the thought that counts.
I mean, she shouldn't be
spending this kind of money on me.
Maybe she could return it.
Or I can move to Utah.
(doorbell rings)
- That's Mom.
- Hi there.
- Hi.
- Thank you, honey.
- [Alex] Hi, Grandma.
- We were just going
down to the workshop.
- Oh wait a minute, Alex.
I have something for you.
- Oh no, really, that's okay.
- Yep, yep, some bottle
caps for your collection.
- I don't have a
bottle cap collection.
- You've got a hell of
a bottle cap collection.
- Look at that.
- Yeah, come on.
- See you later, Grandma.
- You bet, honey.
- Bye.
- Damn it Mom, what the
hell do you think you're doing?
- Annie, is that any way
to talk to your mother?
- No.
Maybe, I don't know.
But I'm probably going
about this all wrong.
A psychologist wouldn't approve.
I should be patient,
tolerant, understanding.
Well, I'm not.
Mom, I am angry
and I am frustrated
and we are gonna talk.
No more games, no more evasions,
no more playing Joan Martyr.
I am your daughter, remember?
I am the one person
who loves you more than
anyone or anything else
on this whole stupid planet,
and if you don't like
it, that's just too bad
because you are stuck with it.
- Well, I like it fine.
- Oh.
Mom.
Look, I understand.
I know that you need
to feel self-sufficient.
I know that you don't want
to stop spending money
on your family.
I know that you don't
want to feel as though
you're a burden on all of us.
- Oh now Annie, if
you insist on going first,
don't steal my speech.
Will you please get
your foot off the couch?
- Yeah, sorry.
Okay Mom, come on, the records.
- Yeah okay, here.
- What's this?
- Well, that's a gross
of swizzle sticks.
I washed them.
- Thank you Mother, come on.
- Well.
I didn't bring any records.
- Mom, how are we gonna...
- We're not.
See Annie, I looked
through everything.
I used to keep
your father's books,
so I'm not a financial idiot.
I know exactly where I stand.
- Well?
- Well.
These cocktail
napkins come in handy.
They've got cute little jokes.
- Mom...
- But don't let Alex see them.
- Mom.
- All right.
Financially, I'm all right.
Almost.
- What do you mean, almost?
- Well see, that means that
just every once in awhile,
I needed a little
something extra,
so I kind of, well
you know, I sort of
dipped into my savings.
And before I knew it, Annie,
I had $3,000 worth of dip.
- Oh Mom, you
touched your principle.
Now you don't have that
money earning interest for you.
- But Annie, I just had
to settle up some debts.
And I just had to get my
medical insurance all paid up.
- All right, I understand that.
- Yeah but you see,
honey, what happens is
you take some money
out and then you get
a little less interest
and you fall behind.
So then you have to
take out more money,
and then you get less interest,
and then you'll
fall more behind.
Then you have to
take out more money,
and that's less interest...
- Okay, hey Mom, I got it.
- Annie.
Annie, would you like an olive?
- No thank you, Mom.
Well, I think that this is
the perfect time for this.
- No no, no you don't.
No handouts.
I am not taking any
money from my daughter.
- Oh, I wouldn't expect you to.
I'm just clearing
up an old debt.
- Annie, you don't
owe me anything.
- Mom, do you remember
when I was a senior
in high school and
I wanted to go down
to Fort Lauderdale
for Easter vacation?
- Right, and your father
said you couldn't go
unless you paid your own way.
- Right, then he
loaned me the money.
- He didn't.
- Yes, he did.
And I never had a
chance to pay him back.
Got married, had kids.
Well Mom, now I have the money.
- Annie, I just can't take,
your father did not send
you to Fort Lauderdale
with $4,180.
- No, he didn't.
He gave me $320.
You'd be surprised how interest
compounds over 22 years.
Here.
- I just can't take that.
- Why not?
- Well if I take that, it
changes everything.
Things won't be the same, Annie.
I won't be your mother anymore.
- You will always be my mother,
and I will always
be your daughter.
A long time ago, you
stopped being my mommy
and I stopped being your baby.
Mom, you need this money.
But you're also gonna
have to be realistic.
You're gonna have to cut back.
- But I like living
the way that I do.
Annie, I like going
places and giving gifts.
Annie, I just love being me.
- All right Mom, then
you're gonna have to
keep on working.
- Oh boy, if I could
just find something.
I mean, just a part time job.
- Well, it's your choice.
Come on.
- I just, I can't.
Okay, I'll just use the
interest and then I'll
put this in an account
with both our names on it,
and that way, I'll never
touch the principle
because it'll always
be there for you.
- It's a deal.
Thank you, Mom.
- Oh Annie.
- [Ann] I know that
was very difficult for you.
- Oh.
- All right, my love.
How about going out to dinner?
- Hey, you're on, I'll buy.
I'll get the tip.
(laughs)
- Mom.
I do have a favor to ask of you.
- Sure, anything.
- Don't deposit that
check until Wednesday.
(upbeat music)
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you
♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ Just take it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
(screams)
- [Ann] Schneider!
- I'm sorry, Ms. Romano.
I really, I'm
really sorry, gosh.
I'm sorry, Ms. Romano,
I was just doing
my semi-annual inspection.
- Did I pass?
- I didn't see that much.
Anything, I didn't see anything.
I wasn't trying to
look in the window.
I wasn't looking in the window.
I was just, I was
checking on the doors
and the fire escapes
and the windows and stuff,
you know, to make
sure that people are,
well people have got to
get out of here in a hurry
if they have to, you know?
- Uh huh, how about
a demonstration?
- All right, you
don't have to hit me
in the forehead
with a shovel, huh?
- Hi, hi.
Oh Annie, honey.
Oh, I am so glad I caught you.
- I've been caught
enough, thank you.
- You weren't caught,
I didn't see anything.
I didn't try to see anything.
I don't want to see anything.
And I resent, I
really resent the fact
that you think I
might be otherwise.
- Okay Schneider, I'm sorry.
- Good.
Of course, I never
have seen freckles
exactly there before.
- Freckles, where?
- Mom, ignore him.
It's really very simple.
- Honey, I just dropped
by to pay you back
for the lunch Wednesday, okay?
- Oh come on
Mom, it was my treat.
- [Katherine] No no no, I had
the tuna salad, the coleslaw,
and the iced tea.
- Oh gee Mom.
Do you always have to do that?
- Yeah well now,
that comes to $11.63,
and here is a check.
- A check, don't
be ridiculous, Mom.
$13.84?
- Yeah, well that's
with the can of hairspray
that you picked
up at the drugstore.
- Oh Mom, you're
constantly doing this.
You know that?
- I know, I know, I know.
Listen, where's Alex?
- He's listening to the stereo.
I'll get him for you.
- Hey, who turned off the music?
I'm trying to study.
Hi, Grandma.
- Hi, darling.
Listen, you know, I just
happened to be in a store
and I just happened
to see something
that you have
needed for a long time.
- Something I've
needed for a long time.
A telephone, my own phone.
That's what I've always wanted.
That's what I've always needed.
I can't believe it,
my own lunch box.
- And it's really,
really with it.
I mean, it is hip.
See, it's got pictures of
the Osmond family all over it.
That's Donnie, and
that one is Jimmy...
- Mom, you really
shouldn't have.
- She's right.
I mean, boy, my own
Osmond family lunch box.
- Yeah.
And just wait, just wait'll
the kids at school see it.
- Yeah, wait.
Thanks, Grandma.
- Sure, honey.
- I saw it.
- Yeah.
- Mom, you're really
something, you know that?
You can't seem to
come over here without
a pot roast or a
present or both.
- Oh really?
Well, not this time.
Here, meatloaf.
Now honey, the little green
things are bell peppers.
I know that you hate
them, but they are
very, very good for
your intestinal tract.
- Mom, someday
you're gonna surprise us
and come over here
with nothing but yourself.
- Don't get cute
with me, little girl.
Remember me?
I know what color
your hair really is.
- Mom, what's bugging you, huh?
Come on, sit down,
sit down, sit down,
sit down, sit down.
- Sit down, sit down.
Sit down where?
Have you got a nice
rocking chair for me?
Maybe a nice old shawl?
You know Annie, you
were the one who was
always picking up the checks,
you're paying for the parking,
the gas, the movies, and
I know what you're up to.
- What?
- Well, believe me young lady.
I am not gonna move back
in here with my daughter.
- What the hell are
you talking about?
- Oh Annie, come on,
just take out the garbage.
Okay, okay?
- Hi, Grandma.
- Oh, shut up Barbara.
- What's wrong?
- Barbara, stay
out of this, okay?
- Stop picking on
my granddaughter.
- I am not picking,
Mom, do me a favor.
Mom, stay for dinner, okay?
We can sit down, we can
have a nice, wonderful,
all out mother
and daughter talk.
- Yeah sure, yeah sure.
Who gets to be mother?
Annie, there is
nothing to discuss.
And even if there
was, even if there was,
I can't make it tonight.
I have plans.
- Again?
Mom, I've asked you
for dinner five times
in the last two weeks.
You're always busy.
What's going on?
- That is my business.
I'm over 21, remember?
I'm old enough
to be your mother.
- Mom, we're friends.
We've never had
secrets from each other.
- This isn't a secret.
- What isn't?
- I can't tell you.
I've got to run.
- Where are you going?
- Out.
- What are you gonna do?
- Nothing.
(groans)
- Katherine?
- Oh Dwayne, I
blew it, I really blew it.
She knows darn well
something is wrong.
- Uh oh.
Does she know what I did?
- No.
- Well you know,
you take my advice,
you go ahead and tell her.
I mean, you told me.
- Yeah, but that's different.
- Okay, so she's not a man,
but she might understand.
- Yeah but Dwayne,
this is not something
that you can tell your daughter,
and you're not going
to tell her either.
- No I won't, I promise you.
- Oh Schneider, I
just, I mean I just,
how did all of this happen?
- Oh Katherine, Katherine.
(crying)
- What's wrong?
What's wrong, Grandma?
- Oh Mark.
Nothing's wrong.
Isn't this is a lovely day?
(crying)
- I sure have a way
with women, don't I?
- [Barbara] Okay then, it's
not some serious illness.
What is it then?
Has she gone
back to shoplifting?
- Hi.
- Hi.
Maybe it's a man.
- Thanks, maybe it's a husband.
- That's it.
Maybe it's a married man.
- Girl needs target practice.
- Who in the world
would go to school
carrying an Osmond
family lunch box?
Not even an Osmond.
- Hey, could we drop
it with Donny and Marie
for awhile, please?
- Mom, I want to know
what's wrong with Grandma.
- Well honey, I really
don't think it's a man,
otherwise she
would have told me.
- Grandma and a man?
- I think you'd
better ask Schneider.
- Grandma and Schneider?
- Alex.
- Grandma and the Osmonds.
- Alex.
- You know, it's a
wonder I don't have
a Yogi Bear complex.
I spend so much time in my
room, I think I'm hibernating.
Hey, Boo Boo.
- Grandma and
Schneider were whispering
in the hallway and she
was really blubbering.
- Mom was crying?
- Yeah.
- Schneider knows what's
bothering my mother.
Why is she confiding
in him and not me?
- Excuse me, I got
to get my flashlight.
- Hold it a minute, Schneider.
What's going on with my mom?
- Just got to get
my flashlight.
- You do know.
- Yes, I know.
- Okay then, tell
us what's going on.
- Come on, talk.
- I made a promise.
So happens, Schneider
makes a promise,
he gives his word
and that's his bond.
I don't want to hear anything
more about this, okay?
Case.
Closed.
All right, I'll say this.
Whenever I have a problem,
whenever something's
really bugging me, okay?
I go bowling.
- What?
- You'd probably be
a very good bowler.
I mean, you're built low to the
ground and stable, you know.
- Schneider, what the
hell are you talking about?
- Bowling, tonight,
seven o'clock.
- You're taking me bowling
tonight at seven o'clock.
- Well all right, if you insist.
- What is going on here?
- I don't know, but I'm
gonna find out tonight.
- You mean you're going?
- You bet.
In some bizarre way,
he's trying to tell me
something about Mom.
Schneider, what am I doing here?
- All right now look,
I'm gonna go get us
the best alley in the
whole joint, right?
I think number 17 has
got round bottom pins.
(laughs)
All I want you to
do, Ms. Romano, is
I want you to buy
a couple of drinks.
I'll take a little bourbon
and branch water, okay?
- Should be great.
Don't like drinking,
hate bowling.
- Okay, what'll it be?
- Mom.
- The usual?
- Mom, what are you...
- What are you doing
in a place like this?
- Me?
- My own daughter.
Looking for Mr. Good Year.
- Look, Mom...
- I know, I know it's
none of my business.
And if that's the way you feel,
I'll just pretend that I
never even saw you.
- Mom...
- It's okay.
Forget it, I'll never
mention it again.
Goodbye, Annie.
- Nice try.
Could you just, one
minute, excuse me.
All right, let's cut
the preliminaries
and get right to it.
- I don't believe this.
Can't a guy just sit
quietly by himself
and drink his drink without
some frustrated female,
as always, got to
be hitting on him?
What am I, a hunk
of sirloin, what?
- All right, what do you want?
- I'd like a few answers.
First of all, what
are you doing here?
- I am just filling in.
A favor to a friend.
- Schneider.
- Order in, Katie.
- Oh, coming up.
I've got booze to move.
- [Ann] Okay, how
about a little service here?
How about...
- All right, all right.
What do you want?
- The truth and a
glass of white wine.
- All right, all right.
- Hi, ladies.
- Oh, fink.
- Nerd.
- You told.
Annie, Annie really,
this is just temporary.
- She's right, you know.
When Rosie come
back, we're gonna have to
get her another job.
- Zip it, Schneider.
- You're working here
because you have to?
- Of course she does,
she needs the money.
- I said zip it, Schneider.
- Well let's fake praise.
For the one man who
effectively opened up
the lines of communication
between you two.
Excuse me, I got to
go pick up a spare.
- Mom, what happened
to your money?
- This place is a
blast, just fun, fun, fun.
- Same all around, Katie.
- Just a minute, Katie.
- Time is money.
You are cutting in on
my tip action, okay?
- Mom.
- Would you just hold
it just a minute, Annie?
- Yeah well, Mom...
- Annie, I have work
to do, one, two, three.
Here we go.
Oh, perfect.
Now.
What did you want to know?
- Okay Mom, I just
don't understand.
Could you tell me why
you're working here?
Please?
- Annie, I know how you feel.
Working in a bar is like sex.
- [Ann] What?
- I mean, it's just
one of those things
that you never dreamed that
your own mother would do.
- Mom.
There's nothing wrong with
working in a bar if you want to.
There's certainly nothing
wrong with working
if you want to, but do you?
- If you don't mind, I
have to finish this order.
- Mom, finish as many
orders as you want,
but I won't let you build
a wall, not between us.
- Honey, I am okay.
I'm okay.
I nursed you.
I burped you, I
braided your hair.
I helped you pick out
your first bra, remember?
I'm the one who dries the tears.
You come to me when
you're in trouble, remember?
- Yes Mom, I will, I do, but
Mom, when do you get off work?
- Midnight.
And it's too late
for you to be up.
- I think I can make it, Mom.
I took my nap.
- Okay, get you again?
Good, here we go.
That's it?
Okay, goodnight.
Well Annie, it should
be pretty obvious
you have absolutely no reason
to worry about your old mom.
I am a pretty good bartender.
- I'm sure you are.
- Darn right, pretty good.
And a whole lot cuter than most.
You know, actually, I've just
thrown myself into my work.
- I can tell.
- You know, Annie, if you
can make good spaghetti sauce
with oregano, there is
nothing to a dry martini
with a twist.
- Mom, it's late,
I'm tired, and you've
had too much to drink.
- Oh Annie, I don't drink.
- Mom, you taste tested
every drink you made.
- Well sure, I'm
a professionist.
- Mom.
If you were in trouble,
why didn't you tell me?
- Annie, I don't want to be
a burden on my daughter,
or my granddaughters,
or my great-granddaughter,
or my great-great-great,
how many was that?
- Mom.
Mom.
- Annie, don't Mom me.
And look, just don't go
jumping to conclusions
because I happened to buy
this blouse at a thrift shop.
- It's very nice, Mom.
Really, as a matter of fact,
your friend Jenny Hogan
has one that looks
very much like it
and she's a very elegant lady.
- Oh, I'm wearing Jenny
Hogan's secondhand clothes.
- Mother, drink your coffee.
I'm gonna take you home.
- Annie, I don't want
you taking care of me.
- Great, I don't want
to take care of you.
- Boy, now that is
gratitude for you.
- But if I can help...
- Annie, I'm still
young, I can work.
- Yes, you can Mom, but
you didn't plan on working.
- Well, I didn't plan
on getting older.
And I didn't plan on shoes
being 40 dollars a shoe.
- Mom, I thought
you were all setup.
I mean, I know that
you've got the interest
on the money that Dad
left and the life insurance,
and I know you're collecting
on Daddy's social security.
- Yeah well, Ronald
Reagan is eligible
for social security.
Did you notice he's
picked up a job?
You think he knows
something that we don't?
- Hard to imagine.
Get us both some coffee.
- You know Annie,
everything used to be so fine.
Now I have to
find a grocery store
that thinks it's 1963.
Boy, that's the
government for you.
They fix your incomes and
they forget to fix your outgoes.
- Mom, if anything
needs fixing, we can fix it.
- I do not want you to help me.
- Okay.
Then how about
you're helping me?
- Oh no, no, no, no.
No, you're not gonna
set me up, honey.
- I'm worried.
- No, no, no, no.
I'm not gonna fall
under your trap.
I know all the mother tricks.
- It's not just the
few gray hairs
and the added wrinkles
around my eyes.
It's not even the
sleepless nights.
- You're doing it.
- It's not even the
stress and anxiety.
I've been taking very
good care of myself
since my heart attack.
- Here it comes.
- Mom, you're the only
one who can help me.
I'm worried sick about you.
I can't help it, I can't stop.
(gasps)
- Trapped.
- All I'm asking is one
more little sacrifice for me.
- Oh.
You did it.
- Good, tomorrow.
My place, about
five o'clock with all
of your financial records.
- How did you do that?
I thought I knew all the tricks.
(laughs)
- Your mom here?
- No, not yet.
- Ms. Romano, we got a problem.
- Oh great, just what I
need, another problem.
- I've been working on
your mom's television set.
I want to tell
you it's hopeless.
I mean, I don't know whether
to call Marconi or Houdini.
- Schneider, can't
you do anything with it?
- Yeah.
Burial at sea would be nice.
- Mom loves TV.
- Hmm, well she still
watches television
over at her
neighbor's, you know?
She goes over there,
mostly Sunday nights.
- Really, I had no idea.
- Well, it has its advantages.
Free chips and dip, you
know, a couple of laughs
and it's a nice change,
sitting in a heated apartment.
- What are you talking about?
Mom has heat.
- Well yeah but
she keeps it at 62.
She says it's
invigorating, you know.
- Schneider, you knew that?
Why didn't you tell me?
Why didn't she tell me?
- Why didn't she tell
you that she's eating
macaroni four days a week?
That she doesn't take
her newspaper anymore?
That she hasn't seen
a movie in months?
Why didn't she tell you
that she sold her T-service?
- She sold her T-service.
- You knew?
- No, Schneider, I didn't know.
Damn, why didn't you tell me?
I could've done something.
- Oh wait a second.
Wait now, here it comes, right?
The guilt, right?
- What are you talking about?
- You're not
responsible, Ms. Romano.
I mean, you're
running a business,
you're engaged to Sam,
you've got your own life to lead.
- That's not the point.
- You know, I was thinking.
It's the thought that counts.
I mean, she shouldn't be
spending this kind of money on me.
Maybe she could return it.
Or I can move to Utah.
(doorbell rings)
- That's Mom.
- Hi there.
- Hi.
- Thank you, honey.
- [Alex] Hi, Grandma.
- We were just going
down to the workshop.
- Oh wait a minute, Alex.
I have something for you.
- Oh no, really, that's okay.
- Yep, yep, some bottle
caps for your collection.
- I don't have a
bottle cap collection.
- You've got a hell of
a bottle cap collection.
- Look at that.
- Yeah, come on.
- See you later, Grandma.
- You bet, honey.
- Bye.
- Damn it Mom, what the
hell do you think you're doing?
- Annie, is that any way
to talk to your mother?
- No.
Maybe, I don't know.
But I'm probably going
about this all wrong.
A psychologist wouldn't approve.
I should be patient,
tolerant, understanding.
Well, I'm not.
Mom, I am angry
and I am frustrated
and we are gonna talk.
No more games, no more evasions,
no more playing Joan Martyr.
I am your daughter, remember?
I am the one person
who loves you more than
anyone or anything else
on this whole stupid planet,
and if you don't like
it, that's just too bad
because you are stuck with it.
- Well, I like it fine.
- Oh.
Mom.
Look, I understand.
I know that you need
to feel self-sufficient.
I know that you don't want
to stop spending money
on your family.
I know that you don't
want to feel as though
you're a burden on all of us.
- Oh now Annie, if
you insist on going first,
don't steal my speech.
Will you please get
your foot off the couch?
- Yeah, sorry.
Okay Mom, come on, the records.
- Yeah okay, here.
- What's this?
- Well, that's a gross
of swizzle sticks.
I washed them.
- Thank you Mother, come on.
- Well.
I didn't bring any records.
- Mom, how are we gonna...
- We're not.
See Annie, I looked
through everything.
I used to keep
your father's books,
so I'm not a financial idiot.
I know exactly where I stand.
- Well?
- Well.
These cocktail
napkins come in handy.
They've got cute little jokes.
- Mom...
- But don't let Alex see them.
- Mom.
- All right.
Financially, I'm all right.
Almost.
- What do you mean, almost?
- Well see, that means that
just every once in awhile,
I needed a little
something extra,
so I kind of, well
you know, I sort of
dipped into my savings.
And before I knew it, Annie,
I had $3,000 worth of dip.
- Oh Mom, you
touched your principle.
Now you don't have that
money earning interest for you.
- But Annie, I just had
to settle up some debts.
And I just had to get my
medical insurance all paid up.
- All right, I understand that.
- Yeah but you see,
honey, what happens is
you take some money
out and then you get
a little less interest
and you fall behind.
So then you have to
take out more money,
and then you get less interest,
and then you'll
fall more behind.
Then you have to
take out more money,
and that's less interest...
- Okay, hey Mom, I got it.
- Annie.
Annie, would you like an olive?
- No thank you, Mom.
Well, I think that this is
the perfect time for this.
- No no, no you don't.
No handouts.
I am not taking any
money from my daughter.
- Oh, I wouldn't expect you to.
I'm just clearing
up an old debt.
- Annie, you don't
owe me anything.
- Mom, do you remember
when I was a senior
in high school and
I wanted to go down
to Fort Lauderdale
for Easter vacation?
- Right, and your father
said you couldn't go
unless you paid your own way.
- Right, then he
loaned me the money.
- He didn't.
- Yes, he did.
And I never had a
chance to pay him back.
Got married, had kids.
Well Mom, now I have the money.
- Annie, I just can't take,
your father did not send
you to Fort Lauderdale
with $4,180.
- No, he didn't.
He gave me $320.
You'd be surprised how interest
compounds over 22 years.
Here.
- I just can't take that.
- Why not?
- Well if I take that, it
changes everything.
Things won't be the same, Annie.
I won't be your mother anymore.
- You will always be my mother,
and I will always
be your daughter.
A long time ago, you
stopped being my mommy
and I stopped being your baby.
Mom, you need this money.
But you're also gonna
have to be realistic.
You're gonna have to cut back.
- But I like living
the way that I do.
Annie, I like going
places and giving gifts.
Annie, I just love being me.
- All right Mom, then
you're gonna have to
keep on working.
- Oh boy, if I could
just find something.
I mean, just a part time job.
- Well, it's your choice.
Come on.
- I just, I can't.
Okay, I'll just use the
interest and then I'll
put this in an account
with both our names on it,
and that way, I'll never
touch the principle
because it'll always
be there for you.
- It's a deal.
Thank you, Mom.
- Oh Annie.
- [Ann] I know that
was very difficult for you.
- Oh.
- All right, my love.
How about going out to dinner?
- Hey, you're on, I'll buy.
I'll get the tip.
(laughs)
- Mom.
I do have a favor to ask of you.
- Sure, anything.
- Don't deposit that
check until Wednesday.
(upbeat music)