One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 8, Episode 17 - The Good Life - full transcript

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet



♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

- I'll have this latch
fixed in a jiffy, kid.

- Thank you, Schneider.

We appreciate
you doing it so late.

- I do some of my
best work at night.

- If we just had a big
fireplace and a roaring fire

you know what I'd
like to do right now?

- What?



- Throw this book in it.

- Mom warned me
once you get married

all the romance dies.

- No.

- Sure isn't dyin' down there.

Your father still own
that green hatchback?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, well he and Ms.
Romano are parked down there

and they're neckin' up a storm.

How do you know they're necking?

- Well the windows
are all steamed up.

- Boy, times sure have changed.

The kids sitting at
home and the parents

parked out front necking.

- Will you two stop staring?

All I can see is
the top of the car

with your mother's feet
sticking out the window.

- They are not.

Now c'mon, stop staring.

It's tacky.

Uh, uh oh!

- What?

- Ms. Romano just
got outta the car

and she slammed the door.

- Ooh, wonder what
she's mad about.

- Eh, it's tough to say.

Women are very delicately
balanced creatures.

- C'mon, they've been engaged
for almost two months now.

They're due a good
fight, don't ya think?

- I would say go find out.

- C'mon, you two.

If she wants to tell us, fine.

If not, it's none
of our business.

Hi, Mom.

- Hi.

- How's Sam?

- Fine.

- How was dinner?

- Fine.

How was the ride home?

- Fine.

- How was the fight?

- How'd you know?

- The little door slam told us.

Alright, I don't
wanna talk about it.

But I am not at your
father's beck and call!

- Hey, don't move.

She'll be back.

- Do you know what that
man wanted me to do?

Grr, gah.

- One more time should do it.

- I'll tell you what
he wanted me to do.

He wants me to fly out to
some exotic South Pacific island.

- Oh boy, what a cat.

- Man's a swine.

- Look, Mom, the least
I can do is volunteer

to go in your place.

- Barbara, you don't understand.

He wants to go for a whole month

and he wants to leave
tomorrow morning.

And he's angry at me
because I just can't do that...

And because I called
him an irresponsible idiot.

- That's very endearing.

But why don't you go?

- I would love to go.

- Well...
- Sometime.

But he expects me to
just drop my work, cancel

my appointments, desert
Francine, figure out something

to do with Alex, and
fly off to Paradise.

- A whole month
in the South Pacific.

Boy, I'm impressed.

There must be more to
you than meets the eye.

- What about his work?

- Doesn't seem to bother him.

He said it'll still be
there when he gets back.

- That's my dad.

- Look, uh, subject
closed, okay?

- You got it.

Listen, Ms. Romano,
please always remember,

don't ever forget.

Whether you're comin' or
goin', you wind up stayin'.

Heh heh.

- This is your last chance.

Come with me.

- I'd love to but I
won't wear a sarong.

Peace?

Oh Sam, where
in the world did you

ever get a potted
plant this time of night?

- Listen, there is
no obstacle too big

for a man in love.

- That's funny.

It looks a lot like the
one we have in the lobby.

- Sam.

I'm sorry.

I just, I have too
many obligations.

I just, I can't go flying
off like that on a whim.

- Fine, we'll leave
in a couple of days.

- I just can't.

Please try and understand?

- Okay.

I'll see ya in a month.

- Wait a minute.

You're really gonna
go without me?

- I, I really wanna get away.

- Sure, I understand that, Sam.

But do you have to get away
to the other side of the world?

- I'll bet Columbus and his
wife had the same conversation.

- You know, you're
old enough to know now

you're not really my son.

- Sam, I love you.

- I know that and
I love you too.

But this is something I
really wanna do, okay?

- Okay.

- Okay.

I'll bring you a coconut.

You two, take care of her.

- He probably won't even go.

- Oh yes he will.

- Well fine, good,
terrific, that's okay.

I mean, I have a
lot of work to do.

I, I've been going
out too much anyway.

I've gotta catch up on my sleep.

I've got some copy
I've been putting off.

I have to get down to Terra
Haute for the lawnmower account.

- Mom, he's only gonna
be gone for a month.

- Fishing boat lasted a year.

- What fishing boat?

- When I was little, Dad
bought a fishing boat

and took charters
out the Gulf of Mexico.

Made money at it too.

- You mean he wasn't
always an architect?

- Oh yeah, he was, but
as long as I can remember,

Dad's been taking off.

He works at something
so long and then he just

has to do something else.

We had peach trees in Colorado.

Had a stud farm in Kentucky.

The peaches were delicious,
but the stud was a dud.

- Well I guess I have a
lot to learn about your dad.

- You mean he
would just take off

and leave you and your mom?

- Oh no, we were
always welcome to go.

It's just that my mom hated it.

So after awhile
she just didn't go.

- Why would Sam think
he could run a stud farm?

- What are you asking me for?

- Let's see here, we have
Micronesia, we have Indonesia...

Ah, there we go, Polynesia.

And we have knobby-nesia
and who-nesia.

Ah!

Here it is, right here,
the Cook Islands

halfway between
western Samoa and Tahiti.

- It is so cold out there.

I wish somebody would
invent electric underwear.

- They have.

They're called bun warmers.

- Oh, uh, where's Alex?

- Basketball practice.

Sam called.

- Is he back?

- No, he called from the island.

Here, you're supposed
to call this operator here

in Indianapolis.

- I'm not so sure
I want to call.

- Oh come on, it's
been two weeks.

He's probably down there
starving for your body,

lusting for your lips, going
crazy for the lack of love.

Are you kidding?

In Polynesia?

Why do you think they have
mutiny and on the bounty?

- Operator 23, Mom.

- Enh.

- Listen, you know, hey,
Ms. Romano, we hankered off

one of them islands once,
and wow it was somethin'.

I mean, 200 naked bodies
swam out to greet us.

400 naked bodies
swam back to shore.

Nine months later
600 naked bodies-

- Schneider!

We really don't
want to hear about it.

- Neither did President Truman.

Here.

- Um, hello, uh,
operator 23 please.

Uh huh.

Operator, hello, this is
Ann Romano speaking.

Yes, I received a call
from a Mr. Sam Royer.

He was calling...
Yes, that's it.

Uh huh, okay, I'll wait.

- It's a real simple
life down there.

The women all wear grass skirts.

The men just hang around
waiting for the trade winds.

- Thank you.

She's ringing.

Uh, hello?

Hello?

Yes, may I speak with
Mr. Sam Royer please?

Okay, Sammy.

Um, who am I
speaking to, please?

Naiomi, Naiomi.

Uh, will you tell Sam that
Ann Romano is calling?

Sam, Sam, speak up.

Can you hear me?

Uh, oh darling, I miss you.

I love you.

- I love you too.

- My plant died.

- Sam.

Sam, how is it down there?

Oh, it sounds gorgeous.

It's freezing here.

Yeah.

I can't.

Sam, I can't take off two weeks.

- Mom, you can do it.

- I've got so much work to do.

- 200 swam out, 400 swam back.

- I'll be there tomorrow.

Okay.

- This is it.

It's not much,
but it's all ours.

- Well it's uh,
certainly different.

- You don't like it.

- No, I like it, Sam.

It's just I've never been
in a place like this before.

- You don't like it.

- Give me a chance, Sam, okay?

I just left a steam-heated
apartment in the middle

of a snowstorm and now

I've got grass walls.

Not to mention I'm still
dressed for that snowstorm.

- Well, there's an
old island custom

that will take care of that.

- Sam.

- Excuse me,
forgetting my manners.

Views first.

Come out here.

Look at this, a tropical lagoon.

Sparkling beach, clear skies.

You don't like it.

- I love it, Sam.

Really, I love it.

It's gorgeous,
absolutely gorgeous

but I am so exhausted
from that long flight

and all of those transfers
I really can't absorb it all.

I mean, right
now all I would like

is a shower, some
rest, and another kiss.

Short kiss, I don't want to
fall asleep in the middle of it.

Ahahahaha.

- I'm glad you came.

- Oh, Sam.

I had to come.

I missed you so
much I couldn't stand it.

Now there's an old
American custom.

Where's the bathroom?

- Ah, right here, right
through this door.

That's where it will be when
construction's complete.

For the time being, it's
about 15 yards down the path.

Just hang out the
sign that says ocupado

on the door that says wahini.

And if you want a
shower, just pull the rope.

Ah, Jack.

- Hello, Sam.

- Hey, Jack.

- How does your little
sheila like the place?

- She loves it.

- Ah, great.

Well it's all here, look.

Four units, office,
eating area, tool shed,

and the outside loo.

- Mm hm.

- If you just put
your King John there

and the bloody place is yours.

- And what about the boat?

- It's yours.

- All the booze in the bar?

- Yeah, you buy this
place and I'll throw a party

that'll use up all that booze.

- You know, Jack, I
really think I should

talk this over with Ann first.

- Aw, you Yanks.

The way you treat women
you're ruining the world

for the rest of us.

Here, where is she?

- She's in the loo.

- Did you tell her
about the land crabs?

You didn't tell her
about the land crabs.

- Sam Royer, the wahinis
room has things with

pincers in it.

- They're land crabs,
they're harmless.

- I don't care what
they are, Sam.

I am not sharing a
shower with something

that runs sideways.

I am hot, I am
sweaty, I am tired.

Hello.

And I've been
traveling for 30 hours

on three different airplanes

and a leaky motor line
with a drunken captain

and two crates of
chickens to arrive

at god knows where, Sam.

What is that on the ceiling?

- It's just a lizard.

Oh!

Oh.

- Jack, why don't you check
with me in a couple of days?

Well you're up.

- Oh yeah, I'm wide awake.

I'm a little bit time
zone crazy, Sam.

Sam, darling I've
come half a million miles

to be with you.

Let's do something.

- Okay.

- Besides that again.

- Well we could start
by taking off this watch.

Why don't you put it
over there by my wallet.

Nobody will steal it.

- Okay.

- Alright, and then catch this.

- Got it.

- We'll go snorkeling
before breakfast.

- Where?

- In the lagoon.

- There are fish in the lagoon.

- Trust me, Annie,
they'll love you.

- That's not the...

I'm not used to swimming
with things around.

- Okay, uh, tell ya what.

We'll hike to the volcano.

- Is it safe?

- Yes, it's safe.

It only accepts virgins.

Look, there are so
many things to do here

you won't believe it.

We could walk
up to the waterfall.

We could climb for coconuts.

Uh, go shelling on the reef.

Fish.

Take out the catamaran.

Tonight we'll go
into the village.

We'll dance with the natives.

And tomorrow we'll-
- Sam, come on.

Can't we ease into this?

- Okay.

- Okay.

- I'll tell you what.

Today we'll get tan.

- Now you're talking.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Right down there?

- That's where we get tan, yes.

Ow ow ow.

- I barely touched you.

- It hurts, okay.

- Well you're hardly pink.

- I don't care
what color I look.

I am burnt to a crisp.

Now I shouldn't have
stayed out in the sun so long.

But then I didn't
have a watch, did I?

- No.

- Ow, Sam, I swear you
are doing that on purpose.

- Yes, I probably am.

Still I think it's
healthy for us though.

I got to see a
different side of you.

- It wasn't my idea
to traipse halfway

around the world, you know.

I have a little
inconvenience called a job.

Not that that worries
you, but bothers the hell

out of me, but who cares.

I can just drop
everything and fly

halfway around the world.

I am being totally
obnoxious, aren't I?

- No, not totally.

Probably just jet
lagged, you know.

Relax, Annie.

Give it a chance.

You just got here.

- Yeah.

Sam, how does this go?

- Well you can do that or you
can tie it around your chest.

If you do that,
you can tuck one in

through your legs.

- How'd you learn all of that?

- I teach him.

- Hi, Naiomi.

Uh, she sells
them in the office.

There were six people
there when I bought this.

Nothing happened.

- That's right.

Too bad.

- Ha ha, she's cute.

Sam, uh...

How do you do that?

I'm trying, Sam, I'm trying!

Woo!

Oh I can't go any
faster than that.

- You know what's
wrong with you?

What?

- You need a lube job.

- Okay, Sam, why don't
you try if it's so easy?

- You think I can't do this?

- I know you can't do it.

- You think I can't do this?

Naiomi, do the honors.

- C'mon, Sam, let's see.

- Look out.

- Oh Sam, are you alright?

- Yeah.

- Oh you're a phony!

- I'll give you another
lesson tomorrow, Annie.

You, you're hopeless.

- Thank you, Naiomi.

That was terrific.

- I told you.

- I know.

I'm very happy.

- Tell Jack to come
by with those papers.

- Sam, you know what I found
today when I was snorkeling?

Or was it yesterday?

- What?

- A beautiful tiger shell.

- Mm, where is it?

- Buried in the sand so
the ants can clean it out.

Really Sam, if you're
gonna go native

you better get with it.

- You know, maybe
there is hope for you.

I really was caught up
in a rat race, wasn't I?

You were right.

This is paradise.

Hello, Jack.

- Hallo.

- What are those papers?

- Sign right here.

- I really can't
keep the good news

from ya any longer.

I'm gonna buy this place.

- Buy it, what for?

- Sign right here.

- We'll fix it up.

- We?

- Sign right here.

- I've got plans, you know,
architectural plans, Annie.

We're really gonna-

- Yeah, about these papers-

- Just a minute, Jack.

Look, I figure we'll
finally finish the bathroom

out where it belongs.

We'll enlarge the cook
shack, build a dock,

you know, for boat traffic,
add three or four units.

- More of these
dumb grass shacks?

- Just an X will do.

- Jack, have you
no sense of timing?

- Bloody Yanks, we
should never have

won the bloody war for you.

- I thought you just
said this was paradise.

- It is.

For a week, two weeks.

Maybe when I'm 65
for a month, but Sam,

I couldn't live here.

- Even with me?

- It has nothing to do with you.

- But it has everything
to do with me.

- This is my dream.

You think I plan
to just flake away

the rest of my life here?

I want to build the place up.

I want to work on it
with my own hands.

- Uh huh.

What do I do, teach the hulu?

- Do you have a second choice?

- I'm not in a funny mood, Sam.

- Okay.

- If you're asking me to
come here and be with you,

the answer is no.

I've got a family.

- Well they'll write.

- And I've got Alex.

- Bring him along.

What more could a kid ask for?

- And I have a
business to run, Sam.

I'm not like you.

I can't hide from life.

- You already do.

- What?

- Well home,
office, home, office.

So you built up a
successful business.

So it makes you feel important.

But I'm gonna
tell you something.

I really don't think the
world gives a damn.

- Well I do.

I guess there's
nothing left to say.

I might as well just pack
up and get out of here.

- You can't leave.

- You're gonna force me to stay?

- No.

The boat doesn't come
for three more days.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

I am not going to
leave this place.

There's happiness here.

- I hope so, for your sake.

If you run from
here you're gonna

have to take a space shuttle.

- What does that mean?

- Fishing boats, stud farms...

- You talked to Mark.

Let me tell you
something, Romano.

I don't run from life.

I run to it.

And I think there's
more to it than some job

that you work on day after day

until you're sick from it.

- You have to stop
running sometime.

What was that?

- Lizard fell off the
ceiling into the pan.

- Wonderful.

- Not bad.

He managed to get out.

- Paradise.

- Damn it.

Didn't you ever have a dream?

- Yes.

Successfully
raising two daughters

and supporting all of us.

- Well wake up.

That one's all over.

I mean, they're grown up now.

They're married.

They have dreams of their own.

And you could
have a new one too.

Don't get stuck like that.

Marge was the same way.

She got stuck.

For years I put on a
tie, carried my briefcase.

Every Sunday we'd go to
the country club for brunch.

I mean, she loved
the whole dream.

And I got tired of it.

You can change your dreams.

- You're telling
me I'm like Marge.

- Well I didn't
want to think that.

- When I was in high school

I dreamt of living in
a castle in Scotland.

- Ha!

A damp, soggy, wet castle.

- Ha, what do you think this is?

- Okay, so it's not perfect.

- I used to have
wonderful dreams.

- Used to?

- Sam, I really haven't
had a hell of a lot

of time to dream lately.

- Take time now.

Tell me one.

Maybe we could share it.

We could do it together.

- Okay.

When I was a little girl, I
dreamt of getting married

and running a puppet
show someplace.

My dream, nobody invited you.

- I'm sorry.

- Sam, you wouldn't leave here?

- I might.

- You said it was
everything you ever wanted.

- Well not quite.

Beauty without the beloved
is an arrow through the heart.

- You would leave?

- For the right reason.

If I could find somebody
who was willing

to dream with me 'til we
found one we could share.

- May I volunteer for that post?

- I think you already have.

See, the boat was
here this morning.

I sort of didn't tell you.

- Sam.

- Thank you.

- My pleasure.