One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 8, Episode 14 - The Cruise - full transcript
A shipboard romance for Grandma Romano has her planning to marry the lounge piano player.
("One Day at a Time Theme")
♪ Well, this is it ♪ This is it
♪ This is life the one you get
♪ So go and have a
ball ♪ Well, this is it
♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead and rest
assured you can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doin' what you do
♪ Hold tight we'll
muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So, up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time ♪
(laughing)
- Okay, c'mon get that sucker.
Bang.
Bang.
You don't stand a chance, kid.
I got my whole
star fleet in position.
(buzzes)
(audience laughing)
It's all right.
It's all right.
I still have my attack
super satellites here.
(buzzes)
Okay, it's okay.
I gotta a couple of ships
comin' up in reserve here.
All right, let's go
two out of three.
C'mon.
- That was two out of three.
- Now, c'mon.
- Turn off the set, Alex.
- Now, wait a
minute, Ms. Romano.
He's been practicing.
I don't get a
chance to practice.
C'mon let me play one
more game with him, right.
Okay?
Please.
Please.
Please.
Please, one more game!
(audience laughing)
- I received a
telegram at the office.
Read it.
- All right, so grandma's
gettin' married.
All right, c'mon let's go.
- Grandma's gettin' married?
- Clean up the living room.
I'm bringing my fiance
over for your inspection.
You will love him.
He's the ship's piano player.
All right.
All right, did I
not tell you that
when she won the cruise
in the supermarket contest,
sending a widow on a
cruise is just like backing up
a horse to a wagon,
she's gotta get hitched.
Remember, my tellin' ya that?
You remember
my telling you that?
- No.
- Oh good, you got
home from work first.
You make the dinner, right?
New rules.
Second one home from
work makes the dinner?
- Is it so awful if
Grandma gets married?
- The ship's piano player?
- What's wrong with
the ship's piano player?
- Let me tell you something
about the hierarchy
on a ship, right.
You got the captain it goes
all the way down to the bosun.
Then, you got your stowaway.
Then, you got your
stowaway cockroaches.
Then, you got your piano player.
(audience laughing)
- C'mon, is it so awful if
Grandma gets married?
- Stop saying that, Alex.
- It's Grandma's life to
do with as she sees fit.
Sometimes she doesn't
see fit worth a damn.
- Okay, before
anyone says hello,
I wanna warn you I
just took a dental exam.
Anyone mentions
teeth, I bite 'em.
Oh, you've been drafted?
(audience laughing)
Oh, this is terrific.
- Terrific?
- Terrific?!
- Did you read the part
about the piano player?
- Yeah, why shouldn't she
get married if she wants to?
- That's what I said, and
they practically sent me to bed.
(knocking)
- I'll get it.
- Here's Grandma,
home from the sea!
Don't move. Don't move.
Everybody stay
right where you are.
Are you ready?
(audience laughing)
Everybody, this is
Roger Alexander.
(audience cheering)
Roger Alexander,
isn't that a great name?
- He's a kid.
(audience laughing)
- That's gonna be
my new grandfather.
(audience laughing)
- C'mon, sweetheart.
I wanna see if you
can name them all.
- Marty described all of you.
- Yeah, now who is she?
Who is she?
- That's Annie.
- Right, right.
And, and.
- And Alex?
- Right.
- Mark?
- Mark.
Hi, Roger.
- How are you?
And Barbara.
- Yes.
- Hi, Barbara.
- And Schnauzer.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, yeah.
- It's Schneider.
Who's Marty?
- Me, I'm Marty.
Oh and honey, listen you have
three more you have to meet.
Julie, Max and the baby,
but they just got a
place of their own.
Annie were you surprised
when you got my telegram?
- Mom, we haven't quite
absorbed the whole thing yet.
- Well, absorb it, absorb it.
In fact, absorb
the hell out of it.
(audience laughing)
Isn't he cute?
How old do you think he is?
- How old?
- Okay, how young?
- Well, I'd say he's...
- 13.
(audience laughing)
- I'm 41.
- And I'm just a shade older.
No, we figured it out.
The way women
outlive men these days,
we oughta die at the same time.
- That's comforting.
- Mom, how did all
of this come about?
- Oh sweetheart, you tell them.
- Well, we met aboard
the ship the second day out.
- Ah-ha.
That means you've
known each other five days.
- And nights.
- And nights.
(audience laughing)
Oh, los noches, les nuits.
I'll never forget the nights.
- I think I'm gonna
need some Dramamine.
(audience laughing)
- Anyway.
Anyway, I went onboard
the ship not knowing a soul,
and then suddenly I
was drawn like a magnet
to this beautiful sound
and I followed it into
this sweet little bar
with a baby grand piano
and some salted peanuts,
and Roger.
- The Oleander Room.
- Oh.
- The Oleander Room.
And the piano was a kamikaze.
- Yamaha.
(audience laughing)
- So, you met each
other and then what?
- Well, I sang her the
song about Martinique.
That's why I call her Marty.
- You know,
Martinique is our island.
We went ashore there, and
then we found another piano
and he sang our song again.
And suddenly, I was just
singing along with him.
What's that called when
a thing like that happens?
- A duet.
(audience laughing)
- No, no, no.
Like destiny.
I mean it's just like
our whole relationship
was preordained.
- Well, at least
they had a priest.
(audience laughing)
- So, anyway that's our
story and you know the rest.
- No, Mom we
don't know the rest.
You sang a song together
and now you're
gonna get married?
- Well, once the song
brought us together,
we were never apart.
Nights melted into days.
Days melted into nights.
- We melted into
each other's arms.
- Sounds like a grilled
cheese sandwich.
(audience laughing)
- So, you two gonna be
married aboard the ship?
- No, no, no.
Roger quit his job for me.
I mean think of
that, after six years.
You know that ship was his home.
Aw, you should've seen
his sweet little cabin.
- The sweet little
cabin routine, eh sailor?
- Mom, what now?
- Well, now we settle
down in my apartment,
and we find a job for Roger
right here in Indianapolis,
and then we set a
date for the wedding.
- We settle down
in my apartment?
- Yes.
- Look, pal this is Katherine
Romano she's a friend of mine.
Anything happens
to her, happens to me.
- Schneider...
- It's okay, I'm under
control, all right.
- All right, uh-huh.
- I play a little
piano too, right,
and I spent a
lot of time at sea,
so I know all the
tricks in the book.
- Oh really?
- Here it is on a slab, buddy.
You hurt this lady, all right.
You hurt her in any
way, shape, or form,
I'm gonna lay a pipe
wrench across your knuckles.
You're gonna wind up playing
the piano with your nose.
- You know, you're out of line.
- C'mon now Schneider, listen.
We love each other.
We're going to be married.
Okay?
And nothing is going to
happen at my apartment
that hasn't happened
already, don't you see?
- No, I don't see.
And I'll tell you
something else, pal...
- Schneider, Schneider.
Just be quiet.
- Okay, I'll be quiet,
but I won't shut up.
(audience laughing)
Next thing you know, she
comes home with Scott Baio.
(audience laughing)
- Well boy, that's
our Schneider.
- He's exactly as
you described him.
- Yeah.
C'mon honey, we have to go.
We gotta find you a job.
- [Barbara] Tonight?
- Well, sure tonight.
Musicians work at night
and play in the daytime.
Oh boy, what a depraved
life I'm going to have.
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
- You gonna eat all those?
- You want half?
- Yeah, sure.
Look Mom, this is
the third night in a row
I found you out here
popping candies because
you're worried about Grandma.
She's still happy as
a clam in high tide,
and you and I are turning
into sumo wrestlers.
- She's my mother, Barbara.
What does he want?
That's what's driving
me up the wall.
He's young.
He's good-looking.
Must be hundreds of women
available on every cruise,
why did he have to pick Grandma?
- Marty.
- Marty.
He's gotta know by now
that she has no money.
And now he's found himself
a job here in Indianapolis
where he doesn't know a soul.
- Oh, he found a job, huh?
- Yeah, starts tonight.
A place called the Poop
Deck, isn't that cute?
(audience laughing)
Look, she has no jewelry.
Her insurance doesn't
amount to anything.
I mean if we all died tomorrow,
the most he would inherit
is Alex's skateboard.
What is his angle?
- Suppose there was no angle.
- There's gotta be
an angle, Barbara.
There's gotta be an angle.
- No, wait a second hear me out.
Wait.
Suppose there is no angle.
Suppose he wants to marry
Grandma because she's cute,
or cheerful, or whatever.
Still hate the
idea, wouldn't you?
- Maybe.
- And yet you'd
think nothing of it
if it were an older man
marrying a younger woman.
- That is a double
standard, Barbara.
You know me better than that.
- Okay, calm down.
I said maybe.
Let me take another
shot in the dark.
Is it Grandpa?
- Honey, they had
a great marriage.
I mean I loved my father.
I want Mom to be happy,
but not with some
Pablum-eating piano player.
- No, double standard, huh.
Welcome to the
wide world of bigotry.
(audience laughing)
Barbara, you just don't
marry a man of a cruise.
- Jackie Onassis did.
(audience laughing)
- Well, you don't
marry a piano player.
- Bess Truman did.
(audience laughing)
Where are you going?
- I'm gonna get dressed.
I'm gonna go down
to that Poop Deck
and have a heart-to-heart
talk with my future
stepfather.
(audience laughing)
(piano playing)
(audience laughing)
- Let me have a shot of
bourbon with some lake water.
- How you doing, Schnauzer?
- I'm doing fine.
Now, listen a couple
of things I'd like
to talk over with you.
When do you get a break?
- About 10 or 15 minutes.
Got any requests?
- Just one, and it's got
nothing to do with the piano.
- Ah.
Hello.
- Ms. Romano would you come
over here for a minute, please.
- Schneider, what
are you doing here?
- I'm trying to straighten
out this mess, okay.
Now look, I've been doing
a little digging around.
- What's with he
cloak and dagger act?
- Thank you very much.
The lady will have some
of your finest bar Chablis.
(audience laughing)
Thank you.
All right, called a
couple of friends of mine
work stevedore's union
in New Jersey, right.
Had these guys
track it down for me,
have any idea what this
guy's real middle name is?
- What?
- Ivan.
Roger Ivan Alexander.
- So?
- So?
The guy's a Russkie.
- Oh, Schneider.
- I'm tellin' you
this is what they do.
These pinkos they get
jobs on cruise ships, right.
Then, in order to get
American citizenship,
they try to marry some
pathetic American widow
like your mother, right.
10 to one the guy's a spy.
- All this because his
middle name is Ivan?
- Did you know that
Matahari played the piano?
It's good cover, plus tips.
- Schneider, look you
don't like the guy that's okay,
but that's no reason to...
- Tell me that that ain't
the kiss of a Commie.
(audience laughing)
He's gonna sing to
her, I'm gonna get sick.
♪ When you smile
at me ♪ Smile at me
♪ Martinique becomes the
lovely island it was meant to be
♪ Smile at me ♪ Smile at me
♪ And when you hold
my hand ♪ Touch my hand
♪ Tropic rain becomes champagne
♪ And I am in a
wonderland ♪ Hold my hand
♪ Hold my hand ♪ But have a care
♪ The island loves
a lover ♪ Have a care
♪ And you will discover
romance that you never knew
♪ Hear her sighing
crying ♪ Fall in love
♪ Fall in love ♪ Let
her love surround you
♪ Look around you
♪ And you'll fall in love ♪
- Now, I know his angle.
- What?
- He loves her.
(audience clapping)
I love you too, Sam.
You bet.
Bye sweetheart.
- All right, it's
time for somebody
to do something about it,
and I just did
something about it.
- Schneider, what
are you talking about?
- I'm talking about
Roger the dodger.
(audience laughing)
I saw him downstairs he
was getting in the elevator.
- Where is he?
- He's stuck between
the third and fourth floor.
- How did that happen?
- Ms. Romano, we are hung up
on the horns of a
mess here, right.
I mean, if the guy marries
her, it's a disaster for us,
and if he doesn't marry
her, catastrophe for her.
- Schneider, it's gonna
be a catastrophe for you
if you don't get him
out of that elevator.
- Don't worry about anything,
I've got everything
under control, okay?
- And you, you for one are
particularly gonna like this.
- What is it?
- It's a garage door opener,
and I got it rigged
to the elevator.
(audience laughing)
Part of the new security
system around here.
- Thank you, Schneider.
We all feel a lot safer.
- Yeah, well I'm not
saying it's perfect.
It's got a few bugs.
I mean occasionally
it turns on a TV,
and maybe a microwave oven.
And last week, it turned off
Ms. La Rue's vibrating bed.
Boy, did I hear about that.
(audience laughing)
(knocking)
- May I come in?
- Oh sure, Roger come on in.
- I've been stuck
in the elevator.
- Oh, I must do some repair.
(audience laughing)
- Ah, please sit down, Roger.
How's Mom?
- Fine.
I guess she isn't here yet, huh?
- No, she's not here.
But I'm here.
And we got something
to talk about, pal, okay?
Now, you been here,
what, two weeks?
And in that time, you've
played Katherine Romano
better than you've
played the piano,
and I ain't gonna
stand for it anymore.
- You know,
something puzzles me.
Why do I have to account to you,
aren't you the
janitor, Schnauzer?
- Okay pal, that does it.
All right, all right.
Feelin' a little froggy, huh?
All right, go ahead jump.
I tell you something,
I'm gonna hit you so hard
twinkle fingers, your spine
is gonna play Dardanella.
(humming "Dardanella")
- Schneider, Schneider,
Schneider, please
would you let me
talk to Roger alone?
- Yeah, why don't
you leave us alone.
- Wait a second, let
me get this straight.
You'd rather talk
to her than me?
That's like jumping off
the iceberg onto the Titanic.
All right, give him a shot.
You can talk, but
if it doesn't work...
Dardanella.
- Interesting character.
- Yeah, but you have to
understand something, Roger.
Schneider's not just a janitor,
he's a close and dear friend.
- [Schneider] Damn right!
(audience laughing)
- He may be a little excitable,
but he does have a point.
You want some tea?
- Sure.
- Okay.
What has happened
to that wedding?
- We're waiting for the
ship to dock in Miami.
Oh, you see Mr. Stuyvesant,
he's the first officer,
he's kind of like father to me.
And Chewy, the pastry
chef, would be my best man.
- Huh.
What about your own family?
- The only family I have
is on the Claremont.
- See how little we
know you Roger,
we thought the ship
was just a job for you.
- Oh no, it's my home.
Yep, the MV Claremont.
33,000 tons.
She has Cantrell stabilizers.
She cruises at 19 knots.
You know I'm surprised
Marty hasn't told you all this.
- Well, she hasn't
quite gotten around to it.
Roger, tell me what first
attracted you to Marty?
I mean I know about the song,
but what makes
her different from
the other women you might meet?
- She cares.
- Yeah.
- She fusses over
me, and I love it, Ann.
I mean, she makes me
practice my piano everyday.
She loves when I
eat my vegetables.
(audience laughing)
She even showed me
how to pair up my socks.
Little things like that.
- She read you bedtime stories?
- Bedtime, that's
something really different.
(audience laughing)
- No, I don't
wanna hear about it.
Thank you.
(doorbell rings)
Excuse me, Roger.
- Annie.
- Hi, Mom.
- Oh darling, you
got here, good.
Sweetheart, would you run
down to the corner market
and get me some yogurt?
I'm just famished.
- Sure.
- Mom, I...
- Annie doesn't have
yogurt in her house,
and get me low-fat.
I'm doing this for you.
- Be right back.
- Okay.
(sighs)
- Problems?
- Now admit it, when I
told you I was marrying
somebody off a ship, you
must've thought I was a fruitcake?
- Want the truth?
- No.
Oh, but Annie my life...
Well, you know, it's
nice to play Bridge
every Tuesday with the girls.
And I watch TV.
And have my volunteer work.
I keep my life busy.
But it's just not enough.
Oh honey, you and
the kids are terrific,
but I need somebody just for me.
I need... Oh I need...
- I know, Mom.
- And so I got on a ship and
I sopped love like a sponge.
Hey sailor, you wanna
marry a lonely lady?
- Mom, c'mon.
Roger seems to love you.
- Oh well, naturally.
I'm cute.
(audience laughing)
I'm vivacious.
I sing.
I have all my teeth.
(audience laughing)
But you know, he's...
Well, it's like I'm the
mother that he never had.
Oh well, it's not that
we don't have sexual...
- I don't want to hear about it.
(audience laughing)
- But you know now
something really miserable
and rotten is
starting to happen.
- Like?
- I think I'm beginning
to fall out of love.
- You sure?
- Oh, there are signs.
There are signs.
I mean, a couple of days
ago he got the sniffles
and I didn't even offer
him a vitamin C, huh.
(audience laughing)
And he doesn't eat
all his vegetables,
and I just don't
seem to give a damn.
You know something, I
think I'm too young for him.
- What?
What do you mean too young?
- Well, I'm too young
to be his mother.
- Mom, are you
telling me something?
Are you asking me something?
- I don't know.
I just don't know.
Boy, and today I did
something really stupefying.
I called his ship
just to see if maybe
his job might
still be available,
and it is.
Oh Annie, now I'm so confused.
I mean, now I am really
so upset I went right out
and I ate a whole lasagna,
extra cheese, everything.
- Mom, Mom, darling.
Sit down.
Just sit down and listen
to me a minute, okay.
You want out, but
you don't want out.
You wanna be in love, but
you're not sure you are in love.
You want him to
go back to his ship,
but you don't want him
to pick the ship over you.
- Exactly, exactly.
Oh Annie, you said
that exactly right.
(audience laughing)
- What did I say?
- I don't know.
Oh Annie I'm so confused.
(doorbell rings)
- Here's the yogurt.
- [Katherine] Oh,
thank you, honey.
- Was I gone long
enough for you to talk?
- Oh, thank you.
Honey, I called your ship today,
and they want you back.
- They want me back?
- Mm-hm.
- No kidding.
- You're really anxious
to get back, aren't you?
- I gotta tell you the truth,
it would be great!
- Well, well that
settles that then.
- Marty, it's perfect.
I'll quit my job tonight
at the Poop Deck,
we'll head back to Miami,
and we'll be married
by Captain Henderson.
- Married.
Darling, we have to go
back to the apartment.
Now, you and I have a
lot of things to talk about.
- Don't forget the yogurt.
Yogurt.
Oh Roger, I think that you
and I are way passed yogurt.
(audience laughing)
(piano playing)
- Hi, Mom I got here
as quickly as I could.
What's up?
- Oh, I thought
you'd like to be here
for Roger's closing night.
We'll have two Herbie
Wallpapers, please.
(audience laughing)
- Harvey Wallbangers.
So, Mom you
obviously had your talk.
- Oh yeah, I had to decide.
Did I wanna marry him?
Or mother him?
Did I wanna live on a ship?
Did I wanna play canasta
everyday with his friend Chewy,
who by the way, is a jerk?
No, I love Roger,
but it was just a
sweet temporary lust.
- Lust.
That's nice, Mom.
(audience laughing)
- I really don't wanna
live on his ship,
and he really doesn't
wanna live here with me.
Oh, but Annie...
Oh it was so
wonderful while it lasted.
- So he leaves
without Marty.
- He leaves without Marty.
♪ The island loves a lover
♪ And you will discover
romance that you never knew
♪ Fall in love
♪ Love is all around you
♪ You will fall in
love ♪ Fall in love ♪
- Oh, sweetheart.
(audience clapping)
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
(audience clapping)
("One Day at a Time Theme")
♪ Well, this is it ♪ This is it
♪ This is life the one you get
♪ So go and have a
ball ♪ Well, this is it
♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead and rest
assured you can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doin' what you do
♪ Hold tight we'll
muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So, up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time ♪
(laughing)
- Okay, c'mon get that sucker.
Bang.
Bang.
You don't stand a chance, kid.
I got my whole
star fleet in position.
(buzzes)
(audience laughing)
It's all right.
It's all right.
I still have my attack
super satellites here.
(buzzes)
Okay, it's okay.
I gotta a couple of ships
comin' up in reserve here.
All right, let's go
two out of three.
C'mon.
- That was two out of three.
- Now, c'mon.
- Turn off the set, Alex.
- Now, wait a
minute, Ms. Romano.
He's been practicing.
I don't get a
chance to practice.
C'mon let me play one
more game with him, right.
Okay?
Please.
Please.
Please.
Please, one more game!
(audience laughing)
- I received a
telegram at the office.
Read it.
- All right, so grandma's
gettin' married.
All right, c'mon let's go.
- Grandma's gettin' married?
- Clean up the living room.
I'm bringing my fiance
over for your inspection.
You will love him.
He's the ship's piano player.
All right.
All right, did I
not tell you that
when she won the cruise
in the supermarket contest,
sending a widow on a
cruise is just like backing up
a horse to a wagon,
she's gotta get hitched.
Remember, my tellin' ya that?
You remember
my telling you that?
- No.
- Oh good, you got
home from work first.
You make the dinner, right?
New rules.
Second one home from
work makes the dinner?
- Is it so awful if
Grandma gets married?
- The ship's piano player?
- What's wrong with
the ship's piano player?
- Let me tell you something
about the hierarchy
on a ship, right.
You got the captain it goes
all the way down to the bosun.
Then, you got your stowaway.
Then, you got your
stowaway cockroaches.
Then, you got your piano player.
(audience laughing)
- C'mon, is it so awful if
Grandma gets married?
- Stop saying that, Alex.
- It's Grandma's life to
do with as she sees fit.
Sometimes she doesn't
see fit worth a damn.
- Okay, before
anyone says hello,
I wanna warn you I
just took a dental exam.
Anyone mentions
teeth, I bite 'em.
Oh, you've been drafted?
(audience laughing)
Oh, this is terrific.
- Terrific?
- Terrific?!
- Did you read the part
about the piano player?
- Yeah, why shouldn't she
get married if she wants to?
- That's what I said, and
they practically sent me to bed.
(knocking)
- I'll get it.
- Here's Grandma,
home from the sea!
Don't move. Don't move.
Everybody stay
right where you are.
Are you ready?
(audience laughing)
Everybody, this is
Roger Alexander.
(audience cheering)
Roger Alexander,
isn't that a great name?
- He's a kid.
(audience laughing)
- That's gonna be
my new grandfather.
(audience laughing)
- C'mon, sweetheart.
I wanna see if you
can name them all.
- Marty described all of you.
- Yeah, now who is she?
Who is she?
- That's Annie.
- Right, right.
And, and.
- And Alex?
- Right.
- Mark?
- Mark.
Hi, Roger.
- How are you?
And Barbara.
- Yes.
- Hi, Barbara.
- And Schnauzer.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, yeah.
- It's Schneider.
Who's Marty?
- Me, I'm Marty.
Oh and honey, listen you have
three more you have to meet.
Julie, Max and the baby,
but they just got a
place of their own.
Annie were you surprised
when you got my telegram?
- Mom, we haven't quite
absorbed the whole thing yet.
- Well, absorb it, absorb it.
In fact, absorb
the hell out of it.
(audience laughing)
Isn't he cute?
How old do you think he is?
- How old?
- Okay, how young?
- Well, I'd say he's...
- 13.
(audience laughing)
- I'm 41.
- And I'm just a shade older.
No, we figured it out.
The way women
outlive men these days,
we oughta die at the same time.
- That's comforting.
- Mom, how did all
of this come about?
- Oh sweetheart, you tell them.
- Well, we met aboard
the ship the second day out.
- Ah-ha.
That means you've
known each other five days.
- And nights.
- And nights.
(audience laughing)
Oh, los noches, les nuits.
I'll never forget the nights.
- I think I'm gonna
need some Dramamine.
(audience laughing)
- Anyway.
Anyway, I went onboard
the ship not knowing a soul,
and then suddenly I
was drawn like a magnet
to this beautiful sound
and I followed it into
this sweet little bar
with a baby grand piano
and some salted peanuts,
and Roger.
- The Oleander Room.
- Oh.
- The Oleander Room.
And the piano was a kamikaze.
- Yamaha.
(audience laughing)
- So, you met each
other and then what?
- Well, I sang her the
song about Martinique.
That's why I call her Marty.
- You know,
Martinique is our island.
We went ashore there, and
then we found another piano
and he sang our song again.
And suddenly, I was just
singing along with him.
What's that called when
a thing like that happens?
- A duet.
(audience laughing)
- No, no, no.
Like destiny.
I mean it's just like
our whole relationship
was preordained.
- Well, at least
they had a priest.
(audience laughing)
- So, anyway that's our
story and you know the rest.
- No, Mom we
don't know the rest.
You sang a song together
and now you're
gonna get married?
- Well, once the song
brought us together,
we were never apart.
Nights melted into days.
Days melted into nights.
- We melted into
each other's arms.
- Sounds like a grilled
cheese sandwich.
(audience laughing)
- So, you two gonna be
married aboard the ship?
- No, no, no.
Roger quit his job for me.
I mean think of
that, after six years.
You know that ship was his home.
Aw, you should've seen
his sweet little cabin.
- The sweet little
cabin routine, eh sailor?
- Mom, what now?
- Well, now we settle
down in my apartment,
and we find a job for Roger
right here in Indianapolis,
and then we set a
date for the wedding.
- We settle down
in my apartment?
- Yes.
- Look, pal this is Katherine
Romano she's a friend of mine.
Anything happens
to her, happens to me.
- Schneider...
- It's okay, I'm under
control, all right.
- All right, uh-huh.
- I play a little
piano too, right,
and I spent a
lot of time at sea,
so I know all the
tricks in the book.
- Oh really?
- Here it is on a slab, buddy.
You hurt this lady, all right.
You hurt her in any
way, shape, or form,
I'm gonna lay a pipe
wrench across your knuckles.
You're gonna wind up playing
the piano with your nose.
- You know, you're out of line.
- C'mon now Schneider, listen.
We love each other.
We're going to be married.
Okay?
And nothing is going to
happen at my apartment
that hasn't happened
already, don't you see?
- No, I don't see.
And I'll tell you
something else, pal...
- Schneider, Schneider.
Just be quiet.
- Okay, I'll be quiet,
but I won't shut up.
(audience laughing)
Next thing you know, she
comes home with Scott Baio.
(audience laughing)
- Well boy, that's
our Schneider.
- He's exactly as
you described him.
- Yeah.
C'mon honey, we have to go.
We gotta find you a job.
- [Barbara] Tonight?
- Well, sure tonight.
Musicians work at night
and play in the daytime.
Oh boy, what a depraved
life I'm going to have.
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing)
- You gonna eat all those?
- You want half?
- Yeah, sure.
Look Mom, this is
the third night in a row
I found you out here
popping candies because
you're worried about Grandma.
She's still happy as
a clam in high tide,
and you and I are turning
into sumo wrestlers.
- She's my mother, Barbara.
What does he want?
That's what's driving
me up the wall.
He's young.
He's good-looking.
Must be hundreds of women
available on every cruise,
why did he have to pick Grandma?
- Marty.
- Marty.
He's gotta know by now
that she has no money.
And now he's found himself
a job here in Indianapolis
where he doesn't know a soul.
- Oh, he found a job, huh?
- Yeah, starts tonight.
A place called the Poop
Deck, isn't that cute?
(audience laughing)
Look, she has no jewelry.
Her insurance doesn't
amount to anything.
I mean if we all died tomorrow,
the most he would inherit
is Alex's skateboard.
What is his angle?
- Suppose there was no angle.
- There's gotta be
an angle, Barbara.
There's gotta be an angle.
- No, wait a second hear me out.
Wait.
Suppose there is no angle.
Suppose he wants to marry
Grandma because she's cute,
or cheerful, or whatever.
Still hate the
idea, wouldn't you?
- Maybe.
- And yet you'd
think nothing of it
if it were an older man
marrying a younger woman.
- That is a double
standard, Barbara.
You know me better than that.
- Okay, calm down.
I said maybe.
Let me take another
shot in the dark.
Is it Grandpa?
- Honey, they had
a great marriage.
I mean I loved my father.
I want Mom to be happy,
but not with some
Pablum-eating piano player.
- No, double standard, huh.
Welcome to the
wide world of bigotry.
(audience laughing)
Barbara, you just don't
marry a man of a cruise.
- Jackie Onassis did.
(audience laughing)
- Well, you don't
marry a piano player.
- Bess Truman did.
(audience laughing)
Where are you going?
- I'm gonna get dressed.
I'm gonna go down
to that Poop Deck
and have a heart-to-heart
talk with my future
stepfather.
(audience laughing)
(piano playing)
(audience laughing)
- Let me have a shot of
bourbon with some lake water.
- How you doing, Schnauzer?
- I'm doing fine.
Now, listen a couple
of things I'd like
to talk over with you.
When do you get a break?
- About 10 or 15 minutes.
Got any requests?
- Just one, and it's got
nothing to do with the piano.
- Ah.
Hello.
- Ms. Romano would you come
over here for a minute, please.
- Schneider, what
are you doing here?
- I'm trying to straighten
out this mess, okay.
Now look, I've been doing
a little digging around.
- What's with he
cloak and dagger act?
- Thank you very much.
The lady will have some
of your finest bar Chablis.
(audience laughing)
Thank you.
All right, called a
couple of friends of mine
work stevedore's union
in New Jersey, right.
Had these guys
track it down for me,
have any idea what this
guy's real middle name is?
- What?
- Ivan.
Roger Ivan Alexander.
- So?
- So?
The guy's a Russkie.
- Oh, Schneider.
- I'm tellin' you
this is what they do.
These pinkos they get
jobs on cruise ships, right.
Then, in order to get
American citizenship,
they try to marry some
pathetic American widow
like your mother, right.
10 to one the guy's a spy.
- All this because his
middle name is Ivan?
- Did you know that
Matahari played the piano?
It's good cover, plus tips.
- Schneider, look you
don't like the guy that's okay,
but that's no reason to...
- Tell me that that ain't
the kiss of a Commie.
(audience laughing)
He's gonna sing to
her, I'm gonna get sick.
♪ When you smile
at me ♪ Smile at me
♪ Martinique becomes the
lovely island it was meant to be
♪ Smile at me ♪ Smile at me
♪ And when you hold
my hand ♪ Touch my hand
♪ Tropic rain becomes champagne
♪ And I am in a
wonderland ♪ Hold my hand
♪ Hold my hand ♪ But have a care
♪ The island loves
a lover ♪ Have a care
♪ And you will discover
romance that you never knew
♪ Hear her sighing
crying ♪ Fall in love
♪ Fall in love ♪ Let
her love surround you
♪ Look around you
♪ And you'll fall in love ♪
- Now, I know his angle.
- What?
- He loves her.
(audience clapping)
I love you too, Sam.
You bet.
Bye sweetheart.
- All right, it's
time for somebody
to do something about it,
and I just did
something about it.
- Schneider, what
are you talking about?
- I'm talking about
Roger the dodger.
(audience laughing)
I saw him downstairs he
was getting in the elevator.
- Where is he?
- He's stuck between
the third and fourth floor.
- How did that happen?
- Ms. Romano, we are hung up
on the horns of a
mess here, right.
I mean, if the guy marries
her, it's a disaster for us,
and if he doesn't marry
her, catastrophe for her.
- Schneider, it's gonna
be a catastrophe for you
if you don't get him
out of that elevator.
- Don't worry about anything,
I've got everything
under control, okay?
- And you, you for one are
particularly gonna like this.
- What is it?
- It's a garage door opener,
and I got it rigged
to the elevator.
(audience laughing)
Part of the new security
system around here.
- Thank you, Schneider.
We all feel a lot safer.
- Yeah, well I'm not
saying it's perfect.
It's got a few bugs.
I mean occasionally
it turns on a TV,
and maybe a microwave oven.
And last week, it turned off
Ms. La Rue's vibrating bed.
Boy, did I hear about that.
(audience laughing)
(knocking)
- May I come in?
- Oh sure, Roger come on in.
- I've been stuck
in the elevator.
- Oh, I must do some repair.
(audience laughing)
- Ah, please sit down, Roger.
How's Mom?
- Fine.
I guess she isn't here yet, huh?
- No, she's not here.
But I'm here.
And we got something
to talk about, pal, okay?
Now, you been here,
what, two weeks?
And in that time, you've
played Katherine Romano
better than you've
played the piano,
and I ain't gonna
stand for it anymore.
- You know,
something puzzles me.
Why do I have to account to you,
aren't you the
janitor, Schnauzer?
- Okay pal, that does it.
All right, all right.
Feelin' a little froggy, huh?
All right, go ahead jump.
I tell you something,
I'm gonna hit you so hard
twinkle fingers, your spine
is gonna play Dardanella.
(humming "Dardanella")
- Schneider, Schneider,
Schneider, please
would you let me
talk to Roger alone?
- Yeah, why don't
you leave us alone.
- Wait a second, let
me get this straight.
You'd rather talk
to her than me?
That's like jumping off
the iceberg onto the Titanic.
All right, give him a shot.
You can talk, but
if it doesn't work...
Dardanella.
- Interesting character.
- Yeah, but you have to
understand something, Roger.
Schneider's not just a janitor,
he's a close and dear friend.
- [Schneider] Damn right!
(audience laughing)
- He may be a little excitable,
but he does have a point.
You want some tea?
- Sure.
- Okay.
What has happened
to that wedding?
- We're waiting for the
ship to dock in Miami.
Oh, you see Mr. Stuyvesant,
he's the first officer,
he's kind of like father to me.
And Chewy, the pastry
chef, would be my best man.
- Huh.
What about your own family?
- The only family I have
is on the Claremont.
- See how little we
know you Roger,
we thought the ship
was just a job for you.
- Oh no, it's my home.
Yep, the MV Claremont.
33,000 tons.
She has Cantrell stabilizers.
She cruises at 19 knots.
You know I'm surprised
Marty hasn't told you all this.
- Well, she hasn't
quite gotten around to it.
Roger, tell me what first
attracted you to Marty?
I mean I know about the song,
but what makes
her different from
the other women you might meet?
- She cares.
- Yeah.
- She fusses over
me, and I love it, Ann.
I mean, she makes me
practice my piano everyday.
She loves when I
eat my vegetables.
(audience laughing)
She even showed me
how to pair up my socks.
Little things like that.
- She read you bedtime stories?
- Bedtime, that's
something really different.
(audience laughing)
- No, I don't
wanna hear about it.
Thank you.
(doorbell rings)
Excuse me, Roger.
- Annie.
- Hi, Mom.
- Oh darling, you
got here, good.
Sweetheart, would you run
down to the corner market
and get me some yogurt?
I'm just famished.
- Sure.
- Mom, I...
- Annie doesn't have
yogurt in her house,
and get me low-fat.
I'm doing this for you.
- Be right back.
- Okay.
(sighs)
- Problems?
- Now admit it, when I
told you I was marrying
somebody off a ship, you
must've thought I was a fruitcake?
- Want the truth?
- No.
Oh, but Annie my life...
Well, you know, it's
nice to play Bridge
every Tuesday with the girls.
And I watch TV.
And have my volunteer work.
I keep my life busy.
But it's just not enough.
Oh honey, you and
the kids are terrific,
but I need somebody just for me.
I need... Oh I need...
- I know, Mom.
- And so I got on a ship and
I sopped love like a sponge.
Hey sailor, you wanna
marry a lonely lady?
- Mom, c'mon.
Roger seems to love you.
- Oh well, naturally.
I'm cute.
(audience laughing)
I'm vivacious.
I sing.
I have all my teeth.
(audience laughing)
But you know, he's...
Well, it's like I'm the
mother that he never had.
Oh well, it's not that
we don't have sexual...
- I don't want to hear about it.
(audience laughing)
- But you know now
something really miserable
and rotten is
starting to happen.
- Like?
- I think I'm beginning
to fall out of love.
- You sure?
- Oh, there are signs.
There are signs.
I mean, a couple of days
ago he got the sniffles
and I didn't even offer
him a vitamin C, huh.
(audience laughing)
And he doesn't eat
all his vegetables,
and I just don't
seem to give a damn.
You know something, I
think I'm too young for him.
- What?
What do you mean too young?
- Well, I'm too young
to be his mother.
- Mom, are you
telling me something?
Are you asking me something?
- I don't know.
I just don't know.
Boy, and today I did
something really stupefying.
I called his ship
just to see if maybe
his job might
still be available,
and it is.
Oh Annie, now I'm so confused.
I mean, now I am really
so upset I went right out
and I ate a whole lasagna,
extra cheese, everything.
- Mom, Mom, darling.
Sit down.
Just sit down and listen
to me a minute, okay.
You want out, but
you don't want out.
You wanna be in love, but
you're not sure you are in love.
You want him to
go back to his ship,
but you don't want him
to pick the ship over you.
- Exactly, exactly.
Oh Annie, you said
that exactly right.
(audience laughing)
- What did I say?
- I don't know.
Oh Annie I'm so confused.
(doorbell rings)
- Here's the yogurt.
- [Katherine] Oh,
thank you, honey.
- Was I gone long
enough for you to talk?
- Oh, thank you.
Honey, I called your ship today,
and they want you back.
- They want me back?
- Mm-hm.
- No kidding.
- You're really anxious
to get back, aren't you?
- I gotta tell you the truth,
it would be great!
- Well, well that
settles that then.
- Marty, it's perfect.
I'll quit my job tonight
at the Poop Deck,
we'll head back to Miami,
and we'll be married
by Captain Henderson.
- Married.
Darling, we have to go
back to the apartment.
Now, you and I have a
lot of things to talk about.
- Don't forget the yogurt.
Yogurt.
Oh Roger, I think that you
and I are way passed yogurt.
(audience laughing)
(piano playing)
- Hi, Mom I got here
as quickly as I could.
What's up?
- Oh, I thought
you'd like to be here
for Roger's closing night.
We'll have two Herbie
Wallpapers, please.
(audience laughing)
- Harvey Wallbangers.
So, Mom you
obviously had your talk.
- Oh yeah, I had to decide.
Did I wanna marry him?
Or mother him?
Did I wanna live on a ship?
Did I wanna play canasta
everyday with his friend Chewy,
who by the way, is a jerk?
No, I love Roger,
but it was just a
sweet temporary lust.
- Lust.
That's nice, Mom.
(audience laughing)
- I really don't wanna
live on his ship,
and he really doesn't
wanna live here with me.
Oh, but Annie...
Oh it was so
wonderful while it lasted.
- So he leaves
without Marty.
- He leaves without Marty.
♪ The island loves a lover
♪ And you will discover
romance that you never knew
♪ Fall in love
♪ Love is all around you
♪ You will fall in
love ♪ Fall in love ♪
- Oh, sweetheart.
(audience clapping)
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
(audience clapping)
("One Day at a Time Theme")