One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 8, Episode 13 - Pride and Privacy: Part 3 - full transcript

♪ This is it, this is it.

♪ This is life the one you
get so go and have a ball.

♪ Well this is it, this is it.

♪ Straight ahead and rest
assured you can't be sure at all.

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view.

♪ Keep on doing what you do.

♪ Hold on tight,
we'll muddle through.

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time.

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet.

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing.

♪ Don't you worry none,
just take it like it comes.

♪ One day at a time, one
day at a time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time, one
day at a time, one day at a time.

♪ One day at a time.

- [Narrator] Here are some
scenes from last week's show.

- Hi, Hi everybody.

- Hi, sweetheart.

- Guess what?

- What?

- We're moving in.

- Guess who's sleeping
in Barbara's old room?

- I am, with her.

- You guys are back here.

- Yeah, it's a long story
involving the housing shortage,

and an exploding still.


- What's going on here?

Are you finding this funny?

Are you getting hysterical?

Okay everybody, that's enough.

Hold it down.

Okay shut up. Shut up.


- Shut up. Is this an
apartment or an asylum?

They're all old enough
to look after themselves.

Why let them drive
you around the bend?

Come on, Move in with
me right now, tonight.

- [Narrator] And now
for the conclusion

of Pride and Privacy.

(baby crying)

- You think she
wants some breakfast?

Maybe she's hungry.

- No, guilty.

- Her too, huh?

- Mom hasn't lost her touch.

Four adults, one teenager
and an infant racked with guilt.

- You know I really
feel terrible about Ann.

- I know what you mean.

How can a guy write

when he feels like he's kicked
his own mother-in-law out

of her own apartment?

- Come on, what is all
this wallowing in guilt?

All right, so you
moved back in on her,

you bickered, you crowded
her, you turned her apartment

into a storage warehouse,

you never gave her
a moment's peace,

so you should be wallowing.

You really should be wallowing.

- Thank you Schneider.

- Wallow in some pizza here

- Oh no, no Schneider
I can't. I feel too guilty.

- Alex, you
shouldn't feel guilty.

- Oh yeah, I should.

Miss R would never let
me have pizza for breakfast.

- Hey a good pizza is a
perfectly balanced breakfast.

I mean the thing is leaking
proteins, got carbohydrates,

riboflavin, thiamin,
pepperoni, vitamin B.

- Schneider, we appreciate
you playing mother hen,

but we can handle it.

- Oh you can, huh?

You gotta get to class,
Julie's got a job interview,

the baby's gonna
cry again any minute,

and who's gonna feed
Hemingway over here.

- What's the use in sitting
around feeling guilty?

We know where
Ann is, let's call her.

- Wait a minute, nobody
is calling anybody.

Now Mom left here for a reason,

and if she wants to talk to us,

believe me she
knows where we are.

- Hold it, hold it, hold it.

There's gotta be some way
we can work this thing out.

I mean, come on,
we're all adults here.

- Alex, wipe your chin.

(audience laughing)


- Maybe that's Mom.

- Kicking the door.

- All right, I'll get it.

I'll get it, but try to you
know, make her feel welcome,

look like you're
glad to see her.

I mean do a little wallowing.

(audience laughing)

- Beware of
Grandma bearing gifts.

- Hi, Grandma.

- Hi, Katherine.

(audience laughing)

- Hi, Katherine.

- Yipee. You know,
boy I had a terrific month

in South Bend with my sister.

Thanks for asking.

Boy it's terrific to be missed.

What in the world is
going on around here?

What's all this stuff?

- Grandma, I'm sorry.

You know it's good to see you.

- Oh Julie, oooh.

Oooh, Julie and Mark's baby.

- Grandma, it's
Julie and Max's baby.

- Whoever.

(audience laughing)

- Don't pick her up, Katherine.

Anything close to the
perpendicular, she leaks.

(audience laughing)

- Of course, I'm
going to pick her up.

She expects it. I'm
her great grandmother.

- Oh, now why
ain't you in Houston.

What's going on around here?

- Okay, Grandma
you asked for it.

Julie and Max were
going to get a divorce,

but they patched things up,

so Julie's here
looking for a job.

Max quit the airlines,
and he's a writer now.

Mom ran away with Mark's
father, spent the night.

Mark and I are living here,

because our house
sort of blew up.

- And I got a B plus in algebra.

(audience laughing)

- That about covers it.

- Grandma, you okay.

- The reason I'm not reacting is

because I don't
want to drop the baby.

My daughter ran off and spent
the night with Mark's father.

- I knew that's the
one she'd pick out.

(audience laughing)

- Start with some coffee.

- Sure.


- Yeah.

- In the three months
we've been together,

How many time have we made love?

- 495.

(audience laughing)

- Are you counting last night?

- Why wouldn't I
count last night?

Last night was good.

- You're right, Sam,
last night was good.

- Nothing is always perfect.

Doin' the best I can.

(audience laughing)

- It's not you, Sam, it's me.

- I was there too.

- That's the point, I
was someplace else.

Oh Sam, I ran out on my family
last night like a mad woman.

I deserted them.

- Look I understand Ann.

You're hurting.

- You know what really hurts.

I'm not sure I'm sorry.

- What've you got
to be sorry about?

You got great kids.

They're grown up.
They're married.

You're a grandmother.

- Thanks.


Oh I don't know, Sam,
what do I want to do?

Do I want to go to work?

Do I want to go home?

Do I want cornflakes or eggs?

What am I a mother or
an absentee landlord?

- Look everything
will be all right. Okay?

You got a great family.

What you need is some
time and some distance.

- Sam, I adore you.

I gotta get dressed.
I gotta get to work.

I'll be late, Sam, Sam.

- Let's both be late.

- I should call.

- Don't call anybody.

Once you dial a number, once
somebody picks up the phone,

then you're connected
to the outside world.

I like our little
world a lot better.

(audience laughing)

- Sam Royer, that's an
incredibly romantic thing to say.

(phone ringing)

You expecting a call
from the outside world?

(phone ringing)

- I don't hear anything.

(audience laughing)

- It could be important,
maybe it's the kids.

I gotta get it.


No this might be
the right number.

Yeah, that's it. Ann.

No, I'm not the cleaning lady.

Yes, Elizabeth.

- Hi, Liz.

(audience laughing)

- Yeah, she's a friend of mine.

A very good friend of mine.

Liz, it's a little
early in the morning

for the inquisition. Okay?

(audience laughing)

Yeah, I'll call you back.

Later. Okay bye-bye.

- I'm going to be absolutely
wonderful right now.

Are you listening?

- I'm listening.

- Good. You have a
friend named Elizabeth,

and she just called.

- Yes

- And that's good
enough for me. Okay?

- Okay.


- Who's Elizabeth?

(audience laughing)

- Kind of a cleaning lady.

- Cleaning lady.


Oh, I gotta go get dressed.

- Sit, sit.

- No, Sam. You're very sweet.

- Sit, we're gonna
get a few things settled

before you leave.

- I appreciate what
you're trying to do for me.

- Sit, sit, we're just gonna
make a few decisions here

about your apartment,
your kids, you, me, your life.

- Oh I'm too confused
to think straight.

- Well you have to make a
decision about something.

You know?

Just make one about anything.

- Cornflakes.

- Great, that is a start.

Do you want milk or cream?

- Don't push me, Sam.

(audience laughing)

- But I just don't understand.

Running off with Mark's father.

- Well, Grandma, they've
been together for a while.

Maybe they love each other.

- Maybe, maybe is for horses.

No, that's hay.

(audience laughing)

- But what do you mean,
maybe they love each other.

My daughter does
not fling herself

into a man's bed on a maybe.

- Okay, it's not maybe.

It's for sure.

Does that make you feel better?

- No.

- Sam, you're just never
gonna know what it's like

being a mother.

- Is it complicated.
I could learn.

(audience laughing)

- When you're a mother, you
lose your freedom bit by bit,

and when it's gone,
it's gone forever.

- Sounds a lot like going bald.

(audience laughing)

- You see the
thing is when I'm 80,

I'm still going to be worrying
about Barbara and Julie,

who will be in their 60s
and Alex who will be 54.

So, it's hopeless.

- When you love somebody, it
gives you certain prerogatives.


- Yeah, right.

- You can say things that
you wouldn't say otherwise,

except that you feel close.

You feel - I know what you mean.

- Like you care.

Ann, sometimes you're
a real pain in the butt.

(audience laughing)

- What?

- Well, why don't you stop
moaning and groaning?

Get off it and do
something different.

- Like what?

I'm sure you
have a terrific idea.

- Yes, I do have
a terrific idea.

You want to hear
a terrific idea?

- Yeah, I would love
to hear your terrific idea.

- Marry me.

(audience clapping)

I just asked you to marry me.

Didn't you hear me?

- I heard you.

- Well?

- Well, thank you.

(audience laughing)

- Well, thank you.

I asked you to marry me.

Marry, it's and old french word.

It mean legal cohabitation
and permissible lust.

- Yeah, I know what it means.

(audience laughing)

It also means that I came
running to you with all my doubts,

and worries and confusion,

and you said the first
sweet, kind, stupid thing

that came into your head.

(audience laughing)

- Wrong.

Look, I have to be in
Chicago tomorrow morning

for a couple of
weeks on a project.

Come with me, we'll drive up,

we'll get married at
the first opportunity.

- That's dumb.

- Is this the way
it's supposed to go?

(audience laughing)

- I haven't done it that often,

but I thought you
would melt in my arms,

and we'd get on my palomino,

ride off into the sunset.

(audience laughing)

- What do you want
me to say, Sam?

Dumb is dumb.

You have to go and make
the supreme sacrifice.

- I asked you to marry me.

It wasn't intended as an insult.

- Sam, you asked me
because you feel sorry for me,

because you're a man.

- What are you talking about?

- Aw, come on. Isn't it the
traditional male solution?

A woman has a problem,
so what do you do?

You have to marry her off
or send her to a nunnery.

- My luck, I picked
the wrong solution.

(audience laughing)

- Look, Sam, I don't wanna
be one of your charities.

Okay? I do not want to be
a write-off on your tax return.

- Fine.

- Good.

- Look, I want you to know

that I don't throw marriage
offers around like confetti.

I've only asked one other
woman in my entire life

to marry me until today.

Just one.

- Elizabeth? And she didn't
hop off on your palomino either?

- So this is what you do?

You take it, you sit
on it, you let it fester,

then you bring it
up over and over.

- Over and over. Tell
me is this her bathrobe?

- No, it's for the palomino.

(audience laughing)

- There it is.
There's that temper.

I knew it was there somewhere

behind that laid back
huckleberry hound puss.

- Yes, I do have a temper,

but you're not going to see it,

because I wouldn't
waste it on you.

But you are crazy, I
propose marriage to you,

and you get hysterical.

- I may be hysterical,
but I am logical.

Since the first day we met,

you have told me over
and over and over again

that you are not
ready for marriage.

Now all of a sudden,
you want to get married.

- No. All of a sudden I
don't want to get married.

I rescind the offer.

(audience laughing)

- You are too late.

I reject it.

(spitting noises)

(audience laughing)

(door opening)

- Hi.

- Annie.

- Mom, I'm sorry.
How was Sound Bend?

- Terrific.

- Good.

- Oh honey, you
look just miserable.

Boy that is a hot chocolate
face if I've ever saw one.

What happened? What did he do?

That rat head father of Mark's.

- Mom if you don't mind,
I'd rather not talk about it.

This morning was just so.

Mom, where is everybody?

- Well honey, I had
to do something.

Everybody admitted, it was
just absolutely silly crowding

into this little apartment

when I have a great big
empty apartment of my own,

so we drew cards.

Barbara and Mark lost.

- Uh-huh, They have to move out?

- No, they have to stay.

(audience laughing)

Max and Julie and the
baby are at my place.

They're the big winners.

Alex is down in the
workshop with Schneider,

and Barbara and Mark went
out for some Chinese food.

So right now, you have this
whole place just to yourself.

Nobody to bother you,
just peace and quiet.

- That's terrific,
Mom. Thank you.

- What happened?

(audience laughing)

Did that man
hurt you, is that it?

He hit you, is
that it, he hit you?

Where does he live?

I'm gonna go rip his ear off.

(audience laughing)

- Mom, we had an
argument. That's all.

A big fight. He asked
me to marry him.

- I mean he ought to be shot.

He what, what, what?

- It was all so idiotic. We
both said foolish things,

and we both went to each other.

I just can't believe it myself.

- Okay who went first?

(audience laughing)

- I did, I guess.

- Oh that's good, that's good.

Always try to get in the first.

(audience laughing)

Annie, it just demoralizes them.

Okay, good so you
turned down the proposal.

Terrific, but honey you
did leave the door open.

- No, I slammed the door shut.

- Oh Annie.

- Mom, a minute ago
you called him a rat head.

- Well yeah, sure
I did, maybe he is,

but darling you are
not getting any younger.

(audience laughing)

- Mom.

- Annie.

- Mom, last night
I got out of here

because I was feeling choked.

Then Sam feels sorry for me,

and wants to carry
me off on his palomino.

I really think.

- Hi, Mom.

- Hi, Annie. Nice to see you.

Stop in anytime, the door
is always open for you.

(audience laughing)

Okay that went over real big.

You okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

- Mark, your father
proposed to her.

- Proposed?

- He proposed?

You mean my own father is
going to be my step-father-in-law?

(audience laughing)

- No, no he isn't. They had a
big fight and she went to him.

- Mom, what happened?

- I met a man. I like him
very much, very much,

and I lost him, end of story.

- What kind of
man is your father?

Turning his back on a
lovely, charming woman,

and she's hardly over the hill.

(audience laughing)

- I'll tell you what kind of
man he is, he's a great guy.

- He's a wonderful guy.

The talk of marriage
came suddenly,

and I didn't handle my
answer too smoothly. I guess.

- Okay honey,
so it's all settled.

Here now I want you to
drink your hot chocolate,

and then we're all going
to get a good night's sleep.

- Grandma, it's 6:30.

- I know it's 6:30, but my
daughter is about to cry,

and my granddaughter is
about to cry and so am I.

Salty tears do not
go with hot chocolate.

- I'll be all right Mom.

- Yeah, me too.

- Well, I'm not
so sure about me.

(audience laughing)

- Grandma.

- No, no, no don't even look
at me. Don't touch me, nothing.

(audience laughing)

- [Toy] Listen to the
seal count to three.

(audience laughing)

Say hi to the panda bear.

Listen to the
elephant play a tune.

- That's right play with toys.

That's a good way to
forget your problems.

- Schneider, everything is fine.

- I got no letters today.

No letters, no flowers,
no candygrams,

not even a message in a bottle.

- Hadn't noticed.

- Haven't seen the guy in
a couple of days have you.

- Five.

- Five, but who's
counting right?

- Hi.

- [Annie] Hi.

- Is it 7:30 yet?

- No not yet, why?

- No reason.

(audience laughing)

- Miss Romano, sit
down would you, please.

- Schneider, I'm trying to set.

- Please, would you
please just sit down.

I wanna tell you a story,
very pertinent to your case.

I don't want you
to butt in okay?

- All right Dwayne.

- All right now, there was
this really good looking guy,

you know, let's for the sake
of argument call him Wayne.

(audience laughing)

And he met this
very terrific girl,

we'll call her
Beatrice Causterman.

Okay, follow me?

- Not too complicated so far.

- All right, well
they fell in love,

and I'm talking here now
real love her not glands.

I'm talking love
like if the guy dies,

they carry him
off on his shield,

and she cries for nine
years and turns into a nun,

that kind of love. Right?

Anyway this guy, Wayne,
he was a virile guy kind

of a Clark Gable type.

- Dead.

- He had nice dark curly
hair, a little mustache.

I mean the girls, he really
attracted the girls like flies.

They came out of the bushes.

- Schneider what's the point?

- The point is you see this
guy, Wayne, he was human.

He was made of flesh
and blood and bone

like we all are Miss
Romano. Like we all are. See?

And he had a
fight with Beatrice.

- And he found somebody else.

- And he found some.
How'd you know that?

- Took a wild guess.

- Sit down, please Miss Romano.

Okay, the thing of it is a
man has to find another mate.

Mother nature decreed
it that way eons ago

in the treeazoic age, really.

If a tiger comes around,
and eats your mate,

you gotta go out and
find another mate,

so you can profigate the race.

(audience laughing)

I want you to forget
him. Forget him.

I want you to forget him. Now
I know it ain't gonna be easy.

It's like trying to commit
suicide with a bow and arrow.

You're lucky if
you hit your foot.

(audience laughing)

- Schneider, what time is it?

- It's not 7:30. Will you?

- What happens at 7:30?

- I don't know, Family
Feud or something.

Miss Romano,
forget him, forget him.

- Okay we're back

- Oh well, just
in time for dinner.

- Imagine that.

- Mom, thanks for
taking care the baby.

- Ah, you're welcome.

- Yeah boy, we really worked
up an appetite moving all

of Julie's antiques,
curios, objet d'art.

- And junk.

- Well, I'm glad you got
all of that stuff out of here.

You deserve a good dinner.

- Yeah.

- [Katherine] Easy,
easy now watch the door.

- I got it.

- I thought you took it
all over to Grandma's.

- Well they did.
This is my stuff.

There wasn't any room
for it at my apartment.


- Let me see Schneider.

- Oh jeez.

- Okay, it's 7:30.

- Hey, we gonna
watch Family Feud.

(audience laughing)

- Alex, what are you
doing? What's going on?

- I have no idea,

but I got eight bucks
to read this to you,

and I'm gonna do it.

- Let's see here.

(clearing throat)

To whom it may concern, sit.

You heard me, sit.

- I'm sitting.

- I'm just reading what it says.

- I forgive you.

- By affixing her
signature here unto,

Ann Romano, the
party of the first part

acknowledges that Sam
Royer, hereafter to be known

as the party of the second part,

has not proferred this
document out of pity, sympathy,

or temporary insanity.

- It's from rat head.

(audience laughing)

- I gotta read this.

- Oh no but you see I'm
supposed to read it out loud.

- I know darling, you'll
get your eight dollars.

I still want to read this.

- Out loud, Mom.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, come on, come on.

- Private.

- Not in this family.
Are you kidding?

- Paragraph five, temper,

and the resolution thereof.

- Let me have that.

- Wait a second, here we go.

Paragragh seven, confession
of love, fidelity, et cetera.

- Et cetera.

- Come on, forget all the slop.

You can read that later.
Get to the bottom line.

- Yeah, what is the
payoff on this document.

- Come on Schneider for
heaven's sake, Schneider.

- All right, the party
of first part, oh.

- Ooh.

(audience laughing)

- The above document
hereafter referred to

as the engagement
contract to remain in effect

until superseded by
subsequent document

which may or may not be
known as the marriage contract.


- It's a proposal.

- It's a proposal, and
isn't it lovely, it's in writing.

(audience laughing)

- Miss R, I'm supposed
to give this to you.


- Wow.

- Oh it's beautiful.

- Oh.

- Don't you want to put it on?

- Now?

- Do you love him?

- Yeah, I love him.

- Do you want to marry him?

(door bell ringing)

- Saved by the bell.

- Oh, Mom.

- Oh, Mom.

- Howdy, ma'am.

(audience cheering)


- This is crazy you know that.

I mean I'm supposed to get
engaged to a nut, a lunatic.

- Oh saddle up red rider.

- You bet.



- Which way to that
sunset buckaroo?


- Happy trails to you,
until we meet again.

- Congratulations.