One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 8, Episode 12 - Pride and Privacy: Part 2 - full transcript
Both married couples and little Annie are now at Ann's house driving her crazy.
("One Day At A Time")
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here ♪ Enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what
you do ♪ Hold on tight
♪ We'll muddle through
♪ One Day At A Time,
One Day At A Time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One Day At A Time,
One Day At A Time
♪ One Day At A
Time, da da-da dah
♪ One Day At A Time,
One Day At A Time
♪ One Day At A
Time, da da-da dah
♪ One Day At A Time
- [Announcer] Here are some
scenes from last week's show.
- Hi, Mom!
- Barbara, hi.
- Hi all.
- Mark, hi.
What's with the suitcases?
- All right, see, don't
panic or anything but
there was an accident
down at the house.
- Just out of
professional curiosity,
I went down to see the
damages at the rooming house
where you used to live.
(laughter)
- Used to?
- That's right.
It's been condemned.
(laughter)
- Now, we're just
here temporarily.
- Kind of like the
Russians in Afghanistan?
(laughter)
- It's going to be a little
crowded around here
and probably hectic
but if we all keep calm,
I think we can
make it work, okay?
- Schneider!
- Julie, hi!
- Hey, how are you?
- Hi, everybody!
- Hi, sweetheart, what's up?
- Guess what?
- What?
- We're moving in.
(baby crying)
- [Announcer] And now,
Part Two of Pride and Privacy.
(baby crying)
- All right, all right, baby.
Okay, ssh, ssh.
All right, little Annie.
Sweetie, could you run
that by me one more time?
- Well, uh, actually,
Annie and I are moving in.
We've left Max.
- You've left Max?
- But, you found another
guy who looks just like him.
(laughter)
- Okay, Horvath, what gives?
- Well, he flew Annie and me
up here on one of his flights.
There's no reason we can't
be civilized about this, right?
In fact, we still love
each other, don't we?
- Don't push it, Nutso.
(laughter)
- So much for civilized.
- No matter what happens,
we still get the big bedroom.
(laughter)
- Mom, where do you
want Max to put my bags?
- Try back in Houston.
(laughter)
- Houston, what a quaint idea.
Houston, where we used
to have an apartment?
- Used to?
- You know what
this fruitcake did?
She sublet our apartment
to somebody else.
- Julie, you didn't.
- Mom, there's just
too many memories
back in that old apartment.
Besides, I told you, it's over.
- What about little Annie?
(baby crying)
- Don't do that!
(laughter)
Here, give me her.
- Careful.
- I know how to do this.
(chuckling)
Look at that.
She looks so happy and
so innocent, you know?
Babies have such
a childlike quality.
(laughter)
- Amazing.
- Schneider and Mark,
would you put Annie
in the bedroom, please?
- Sure.
- Yeah, sure.
- Thanks.
- All right, Julie, is this
what you want, huh?
You want me to go back to
Texas and live in a motel room?
Would that make you happy?
Barbara, Shorty?
It was nice being
part of the family.
Too bad it was the part
with the insanity in it.
- I'm insane?
Everybody listen to this.
Max refuses to quit
his job at the airlines.
- And that's why
you're leaving him?
- That's right.
- Insane.
- Right.
- I rest my case.
- Why don't you tell them
how much you really hate it
and how miserable you
are before a flight and
how miserable you
are after a flight and
how miserable you're
making like for us because
you're so damn miserable!
- I am not miserable!
I'm perfectly happy.
I'm a happy man!
(laughing maniacally)
I'm very happy!
(laughter)
- Max, I thought you really
loved being a flight attendant.
- Well, he did, but
not for his whole life.
Max wanted to get
into management but
they kept hiring
from the outside.
- Well, what are we
talking about, Horvath?
Quit!
- And do what?
What else am I qualified to do?
- To do what you
always wanted to...
- Julie, please,
don't start, okay?
- To write.
- Write?
- Really?
Max, I had no idea you
wanted to be a writer.
- Yeah, well, he's
a closet writer.
- Annie's fine.
- Actually, I never even knew
about it until I came across
some pages of a
novel he was writing.
- You brought it?
- It's terrific!
- It's rotten!
Please, I don't...
- That's where
you keep his novel?
In the diaper bag?
(laughter)
What do you do?
Knock off a couple of chapters
and see if they hold water?
(laughter)
- Max, I think it's terrific
that you want to write...
- So do I!
The guy has gotta
go for his dream.
Do it!
Where would I be
today if I didn't have
the courage to change?
(laughter)
And I will.
(laughter)
You should, too.
(baby crying)
Hey, I'll go in and
take care of her.
I know how to keep a baby quiet.
All you do is you
put a little maple
syrup on her fingers, right?
Then, give her a
feather to play with.
(laughter)
That will keep
her busy for hours.
(laughter)
- Actually, I think Max
is a very good writer.
- Oh, come on, now.
It's amateur time.
Julie, you and the
baby come first.
- Max, I'm not helpless!
I can get my job
back at the clinic.
- You're really
moving back here?
- Well, until we get
back on our feet again,
I'm sure we could stay here.
There's plenty of
room, right, Mom?
- Funny you should
mention room...
- Yeah, funny.
- Shorty, listen.
There's absolutely no
way I'm gonna move
back in here with you.
- Good.
I mean, you're welcome, Max,
but the point of
the matter is...
- Hey, hey, Shorty, listen.
I am not stupid enough
to think that just because
I bashed out a few
pages with words on it that
I'm going to be able to
earn my living as a writer.
- That's being sensible.
- This is very good.
- Hey, you think so?
- Yes, and this
part is hilarious.
- You know, it's
only a first draft.
I'm gonna make some changes.
- You're kidding!
It's wonderful!
- Sight unseen, I bet this is
fabulous but come on, Max.
That doesn't mean that...
- Okay, you're right.
It's just a stupid pipe dream.
- Oh, Max!
You know, I never thought
I'd say this to you but I am.
You know what you're problem is?
- What?
- You're afraid
to take a chance!
- Oh, Julie!
- Max, you're a coward!
- What?
- Yeah.
- Coward?
- Yeah.
- Afraid to take a chance, huh?
- All right, let's see.
- Max?
Excuse me, Max, but
who exactly are you calling?
- Afraid to take a chance?
Me? Coward?
(chuckling)
Hello, Al please.
Al, Max Horvath.
Listen, Al.
I've had it, Al.
I'm giving you my
two weeks' notice.
Oh, really?
Well, then, I quit right now!
- All right!
- Oh, Max!
- Oh, Max.
- Oh, God.
(laughter)
- I am so proud of you, honey.
I knew you'd do it.
- Six months, Julie.
I'll give it my best
shot for six months,
then, after that, if
nothing happens, that's it.
I've tried, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay, Shorty.
Where do you want our stuff?
In Barbara's old room?
- And now, back to Earth.
- See, that's the thing.
Guess who's sleeping
in Barbara's old room?
- I am.
With her.
(laughter)
- You guys are back here?
- Yeah, it's a long story
involving the housing shortage
and an exploding still.
- Oh, well, listen.
It's no problem.
We've got some loot and we
can go stay in a motel room.
- A motel?
You're going to bring
that beautiful little baby
to some tacky motel?
Where is she gonna sleep?
In a vibrating crib?
(laughter)
Come on, Ms. Romano.
This ain't gonna do.
- All right, all
right, all right.
Nobody's going to
stay in any motel.
We'll figure something out.
- Thanks, Shorty.
- Hi!
- Alex!
I forgot Alex!
(laughter)
- Max! Julie!
- Hey, Alex!
How are you doing?
- Guess what?
- What?
- Max and Annie
and I are going to be
staying here for a while.
- That's great, that's great!
Here?
(laughter)
It's good.
It will be fun.
So, um, where's everybody
going to be sleeping from now on?
- Okay, Alex, I've been
thinking about this for the last...
- Look, Big Guy.
Why don't you bunk downstairs
in the Captain's
Quarters with me, huh?
- Can I?
- Well, I...
Okay.
Thank you, Schneider.
(chuckling)
- I'll go get my stuff.
Schneider's place.
I'll mature by leaps and bounds.
(laughter)
- Okay, listen up, everybody.
This has come as a big shock
to everyone, including me,
and I just want to remind
everyone that we all have
our own lives to lead,
including me, and that,
if this is gonna work,
we're all just gonna
have to respect
the other person's
privacy, especially mine.
- Shorty, don't worry.
You'll never even
know we're here.
(baby crying)
- Oh, she's probably wet.
Coming, Annie!
- I'll help you with
the bags, Max.
- Thanks! Careful!
- Well...
- No, don't go.
Come on in for a little.
- Into that zoo?
(laughter)
- It's almost one o'clock.
Hopefully, the animals
will be sleeping.
- Somehow, you're convincing me.
- Good, I was hoping I would.
You see, my love, I really
enjoy spending some time
in my own home with
the man I'm crazy about.
- I can understand that.
- Piece of paper!
(laughter)
I've got to have
a piece of paper!
Oh, God!
What a sensational idea!
- Max?
- Huh?
- Sam.
Sam, Max.
- Oh, that's my name, too.
Hi.
(laughter)
- Max, what's wrong?
- I was fast asleep and I
had this incredible brainstorm.
It's an entire novel
in one sentence but
I gotta have a piece of
paper or I'm gonna forget it.
Sam, got a piece of paper?
Let me write on your tie.
Just a few ideas, I'll remember.
(laughter)
- Here we go.
- Oh, this is paper, good.
Theater tickets.
Let me just jot down my ideas.
(cackling)
Oh, this is dynamite.
(laughter)
All right, all right.
There's this businessman
who feels that
the pace of his
life is too fast,
so he becomes a turtle in a zoo.
Only then, the pace of
his life is too slow, but now,
it's too late because he's
stuck being an old turtle.
(laughter)
Okay, listen.
Let's make believe
that a lunatic never
came out of the bedroom, okay?
- Okay.
- Very good.
- Okay, I'm just gonna slip
off back to La-La Land now.
- Goodnight.
Would you turn out
the light as you leave?
- Max, you woke up Annie
with your "Paper, piece of paper!"
- Ah, Julie, Sam.
Sam, Julie.
- Hi, Julie.
Nice to meet you.
- Sam, Annie.
Annie, Sam.
- Listen, we'll be out of
your hair in just a second.
This usually only
takes a verse or two.
Okay, ready?
- Yeah.
♪ Annie, Annie, Bo-bannie
♪ Banana-Fana fo
fannie ♪ Fee fi mo mannie
♪ Annie (laughter)
- Care to dance?
- Could we keep
it just a bit quieter?
Mark and I both have
big exams in the morning
and fee fi fo fannie is
not part of the curriculum.
- Listen, why don't
we all go back to bed
and leave them alone?
- Good idea.
- Okay, I'll try the
couch just for tonight.
- What is wrong downstairs?
- I've never heard anyone
snore like that in my entire life.
(laughter)
At first I thought
Schneider was kidding,
because it was one of those
cartoon snores, you know,
like Rip Van Winkle?
(snoring and sputtering)
(laughter)
I'll never get
any sleep tonight.
- Max, try that turtle story.
(laughter)
- Never mind.
- You guys having
a pajama party?
- Sweetheart, it's
1:00 in the morning.
You have school in the morning.
We have to go to work.
I'm sure everybody
could use a little sleep,
including Annie here.
(baby crying)
- Oh, great!
- She was so quiet!
- I'm sorry, honest to
God, I really am sorry,
but every time...
- Well, look, it looks like
it's gonna be an all-nighter,
so anybody know
any novelty songs?
She's getting very selective.
- I got one.
- Really?
A turtle song, maybe?
- I'll try.
(laughter)
♪ Oh how I hate to
get up in the morning
♪ Oh how I'd love
to remain in bed
♪ But the hardest blow of all
♪ Is to hear that bugle call
♪ You've got to get up
♪ You've gotta get up
♪ You've got to
get up in the morning
(applause)
- So, Navy?
- Marines.
(laughter)
- I have major exams
tomorrow morning,
but am I going to
be a spoil-sport?
No!
While you people are partying,
I am going to go down
to the library and study.
(laughter)
Maybe I was a little hasty.
- Okay, how about
some hot chocolate?
Anybody, hot chocolate?
- Yeah, great idea!
- We're up now anyway, right?
- We might as well.
- Listen, Ms. Romano,
have you got any Bosco?
(laughter)
- It's time for Annie's feeding.
I hope nobody minds.
- Honey, come on and have
some hot chocolate, okay?
(glass shattering)
- Oh, for heaven's sakes, Mark!
- Hey, Shorty?
I don't think this
milk is any good.
You want to smell it?
You trying to poison a large
group of people all at once?
- It's still okay,
it's still okay.
The date is okay on it.
- Yeah, but it smells horrible.
- All right, well,
use the other carton.
- Mom, what about the
small marshmallows?
- I can't find any Bosco!
- Wait a minute.
(baby crying)
(applause)
- Will you excuse
us please, Henry?
What is the matter
with you, Romano?
- I'm sorry, Francine.
I just faded out
there for a second.
- Ann, there is a man in there
with a checkbook in one hand,
a pen in the other, and
you go into a trance!
- Yeah, I know, I know.
But could you just
leave me alone?
This past week has been so
crazy, you wouldn't believe it.
- Ann?
- I have so many
people in my house.
- Ann, excuse me.
- And then I'm trying to
have a relationship with Sam...
- Ann, excuse me?
- Yes, what?
- I would like to say
something to you
and I want you to know
that I mean this sincerely.
- What?
- I don't care.
(laughter)
- Thanks for the pep talk.
- You're welcome.
Now, let's get back to work.
I'm so sorry, Henry.
(knocking)
- Oh, Mom, I'm so
glad you're not busy!
- Ah, Julie...
- No, listen.
The lady from the
employment agency called and
she's got me two interviews
and they both sound great.
Max is at the library and
Barbara and Mark are both
at school so I'm gonna
leave Annie with you, okay?
- No, darling...
- Her diaper and her
bottle are both in here and
I'll be back to
pick her up later.
- Honey...
- You are terrific.
You're the greatest
mother, I swear.
Goodbye!
- Annie, will you please?
When did this happen?
(laughter)
- All right, Francine, just
don't get hysterical, all right?
Julie had two job
interviews to go on.
(baby crying)
Oh, it figures.
It figures.
- Annie, do something!
- I am!
I'm making her cry.
I always make her cry.
I do it well, don't I?
Ssh, ssh, Annie!
Hold out your hands, Francine.
- What? Oh, no!
Oh, Ann, no!
Oh well, oh!
My goodness, isn't this nice?
(laughter)
Oh, what an exquisite child!
Oh, she could be mine!
(laughter)
Wait, where are you going?
You're not leaving me
alone with this baby?
- Well, Mr. Kenton is
waiting for a presentation.
- What if she does something
rude like spit up or something?
(laughter)
- Spit back or something.
(laughter)
Mr. Kenton, forgive
me for the delay,
it's just that this has
been such a strange day.
As a matter of fact, it
has been a strange week.
My household... Never mind that.
Believe me when I
tell you that right now,
the only thing on
my mind is your...
Your... - Yogurt.
(laughter)
- Yes, yes, yes!
Yogurt, that's right.
That's right.
It is yogurt.
Could you excuse me
for just a minute, please?
- Now, this is called Lust.
It's from France
and it cost $90.
(laughter)
Trust me, it's worth every cent.
- Francine, what the
hell are you doing?
- What is going on here?
Whose baby is that?
- You've heard of
the Gerber baby?
I would like you to meet
the Kenton Yogurt baby.
(laughter)
- That's not the
Kenton Yogurt baby.
That is my granddaughter, Annie.
- Don't tell me.
She's going to
handle my account.
(laughter)
Is this an advertising
agency or a nursery school?
- Let me tell you
something, Mr. Kenton.
Do you think that your
yogurt is more important
than a sweet, precious baby?
Well, ha-ha-ha-ha!
Because I'm gonna
tell you something.
I hate yogurt!
It is slimy.
It's gooey and it tastes
like spoiled sour cream.
You look just like a person
who makes yogurt and
you want to know something else?
Yogurt sounds
just like what it is.
Yo! Gurt!
(laughter)
Yo! Gurt!
So, who wants a
damn Yo-Gurt account!
(laughter)
Don't say a word.
- Oh, Ann.
(chuckling)
I agree with you completely.
Not to worry.
It's probably not hereditary.
(laughter)
- Oh, boy I'm hungry.
Well, you blew it.
- What?
- You were supposed
to put the potatoes in
with the roast an hour ago.
Now, the roast is
gonna be ready,
but the potatoes are
gonna be like rocks.
You blew it!
- I was writing.
I got involved.
- Yeah.
- What does "yeah" mean?
- Nothing.
- Wait a second, let
me tell you something.
Writing may look easy to you,
but each one of these
represents an ounce of my blood.
- Yeah, you must be ready
for a transfusion about now.
(laughter)
- That does it.
Let me tell you
something, Royer.
You know, when we first met,
I thought you were
a pretty nice guy,
but during this last week,
I realized something.
- What?
- You're arrogant.
- Arrogant?
- Ssh!
The baby's sleeping!
Be quiet!
- I am...
- Hello.
Everything okay?
- [Both] Fine.
(laughter)
- Good.
I'm real glad to hear that.
Now, I am going to
get into a hot shower.
Mark, when your father calls,
will you just ask
him to come on over?
We're going to an early
dinner and a movie.
A quiet movie.
Maybe a silent movie.
(laughter)
- Yeah, well, enjoy your dinner.
We here are eating raw
potatoes, thank you very much.
- Shorty, you know what
Chef Boyardee's problem is?
(laughter)
He thinks that just because
he's gonna be a dentist
with his own spit
sink (laughter)
he can look down his
nose at the rest of us.
He's arrogant.
- No, no, no, no.
This here is the problem.
- Hey, hey!
Keep your mitts off my
work, Mr. Root Canal!
- Oh, yeah, Mr. Truman Capote?
You call that work?
Here, I can work!
- Hey, hey!
- Here's a short story, huh?
How about a novel!
- Gentlemen, gentlemen!
Gentlemen, it's been a
very difficult day for me,
so will you shut up, please?
Thank you.
- Hey!
I found an apartment.
- [Max] You're kidding!
- Thank God!
- Actually, it's the
basement of this old house
on Lombard Street owned
by this cute little old lady
with blue hair and
all she cares about is
that someone nice lives
there, and we're nice.
- We are nice.
- Yeah.
(laughter)
- How much does it cost?
- Only $250 a month and
Max, it's perfect and I know
I'm gonna get one of those
jobs I interviewed for today.
There's this tiny little
room where you can study
and there's a fireplace.
What do you say?
- You'll take it.
- Wait a second now.
We'll take it!
- Oh, great!
Let's go check on Annie and
then we'll call Mrs. Osgood.
- Okay, call right now?
- Now, I'm going to stand
under that hot shower.
- Oh, good!
Honey, you're home!
You're never going
to believe this.
I found the greatest apartment.
- You don't need to
because, you know, Julie...
- It's the basement
apartment of this house,
but it's really terrific
and we can afford it.
It's got this fireplace.
It's got a nice little room
where you can study
and it's owned by this
cute little old lady with...
- Blue hair?
- Yeah, and she just
wants to rent out to...
- Somebody nice.
- All I wanted to do was
stand under a hot shower.
(laughter)
- [Both] $250 - Oh, boy.
- Okay, look, we
can work this out.
- Yeah, now we're
gonna find out who's nice.
- Honey?
- What's that supposed to mean?
- That means we're
gonna work it out fairly.
- Exactly.
- No, it doesn't.
It means that he thinks
he's entitled to the apartment.
- Did I say that?
- That's not true!
- I told you, I
took the message.
Wanda called.
(everyone shouting at once)
(doorbell ringing)
- The jacket is that funny?
What's going on here?
Are you finding this funny?
Are you getting hysterical?
Okay, everybody, that's enough.
Hold it down.
Okay, shut up.
Shut up!
Shut up!
Is this an apartment
or an asylum?
What, are you trying
to drive her crazy?
Will that make you happy?
Come on, let's go.
It's okay.
(laughing maniacally)
Do you want me to slap you?
(laughter)
- No.
- Do you want me to slap them?
- Oh, Sam!
Sam!
Oh boy, oh boy, oh wow.
You want to know what
started me off in there?
- Sure.
- I started thinking about
that old Marx Brothers movie
where thousands of
people were jammed into
one tiny stateroom and then
every time the door opened,
somebody else would
squeeze in and finally
Harpo was lying on top
of the crowd, honking.
(laughter)
I was honking.
Nobody was listening.
- I see.
Why don't you come live with me?
Honk if you love Sam!
(laughter)
Look, they're all old enough
to look after themselves.
Why let them drive
you around the bend.
Come on.
Move in with me.
Right now.
Tonight.
- Oh, you're crazy.
(knocking)
- Come out!
(laughter)
- Ann, Dad, listen.
I think I speak for everyone
when I say how sorry we are
that we acted like such brats.
- Yes, Mom.
From now on, we're all
gonna be on our best behavior.
- All?
- All.
- We blew the apartment.
Somebody else took it.
(sobbing)
- Does a Mrs. Julie
Horvath live here?
- That's me.
- Oh, we got
your stuff out here.
- Your what?
- Oh, great!
- Okay, bring it in.
- What are you talking about?
- Well, Mom, I told
you I was gonna
send for my
furniture eventually.
- A week is not eventually.
This may be the stupidest
thing you've ever done.
- What's so stupid about it?
You know how expensive
it is to store furniture?
- I don't believe this.
- We certainly have a
lot of room for this junk!
(everyone shouting at once)
- Sam, is that offer still open?
- You want to get
some clothes and stuff?
- I'll buy new.
(laughter)
- [Announcer] Tune in next
week for the conclusion of
Pride and Privacy.
(applause)
("One Day At A Time")
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it, this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here ♪ Enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what
you do ♪ Hold on tight
♪ We'll muddle through
♪ One Day At A Time,
One Day At A Time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One Day At A Time,
One Day At A Time
♪ One Day At A
Time, da da-da dah
♪ One Day At A Time,
One Day At A Time
♪ One Day At A
Time, da da-da dah
♪ One Day At A Time
- [Announcer] Here are some
scenes from last week's show.
- Hi, Mom!
- Barbara, hi.
- Hi all.
- Mark, hi.
What's with the suitcases?
- All right, see, don't
panic or anything but
there was an accident
down at the house.
- Just out of
professional curiosity,
I went down to see the
damages at the rooming house
where you used to live.
(laughter)
- Used to?
- That's right.
It's been condemned.
(laughter)
- Now, we're just
here temporarily.
- Kind of like the
Russians in Afghanistan?
(laughter)
- It's going to be a little
crowded around here
and probably hectic
but if we all keep calm,
I think we can
make it work, okay?
- Schneider!
- Julie, hi!
- Hey, how are you?
- Hi, everybody!
- Hi, sweetheart, what's up?
- Guess what?
- What?
- We're moving in.
(baby crying)
- [Announcer] And now,
Part Two of Pride and Privacy.
(baby crying)
- All right, all right, baby.
Okay, ssh, ssh.
All right, little Annie.
Sweetie, could you run
that by me one more time?
- Well, uh, actually,
Annie and I are moving in.
We've left Max.
- You've left Max?
- But, you found another
guy who looks just like him.
(laughter)
- Okay, Horvath, what gives?
- Well, he flew Annie and me
up here on one of his flights.
There's no reason we can't
be civilized about this, right?
In fact, we still love
each other, don't we?
- Don't push it, Nutso.
(laughter)
- So much for civilized.
- No matter what happens,
we still get the big bedroom.
(laughter)
- Mom, where do you
want Max to put my bags?
- Try back in Houston.
(laughter)
- Houston, what a quaint idea.
Houston, where we used
to have an apartment?
- Used to?
- You know what
this fruitcake did?
She sublet our apartment
to somebody else.
- Julie, you didn't.
- Mom, there's just
too many memories
back in that old apartment.
Besides, I told you, it's over.
- What about little Annie?
(baby crying)
- Don't do that!
(laughter)
Here, give me her.
- Careful.
- I know how to do this.
(chuckling)
Look at that.
She looks so happy and
so innocent, you know?
Babies have such
a childlike quality.
(laughter)
- Amazing.
- Schneider and Mark,
would you put Annie
in the bedroom, please?
- Sure.
- Yeah, sure.
- Thanks.
- All right, Julie, is this
what you want, huh?
You want me to go back to
Texas and live in a motel room?
Would that make you happy?
Barbara, Shorty?
It was nice being
part of the family.
Too bad it was the part
with the insanity in it.
- I'm insane?
Everybody listen to this.
Max refuses to quit
his job at the airlines.
- And that's why
you're leaving him?
- That's right.
- Insane.
- Right.
- I rest my case.
- Why don't you tell them
how much you really hate it
and how miserable you
are before a flight and
how miserable you
are after a flight and
how miserable you're
making like for us because
you're so damn miserable!
- I am not miserable!
I'm perfectly happy.
I'm a happy man!
(laughing maniacally)
I'm very happy!
(laughter)
- Max, I thought you really
loved being a flight attendant.
- Well, he did, but
not for his whole life.
Max wanted to get
into management but
they kept hiring
from the outside.
- Well, what are we
talking about, Horvath?
Quit!
- And do what?
What else am I qualified to do?
- To do what you
always wanted to...
- Julie, please,
don't start, okay?
- To write.
- Write?
- Really?
Max, I had no idea you
wanted to be a writer.
- Yeah, well, he's
a closet writer.
- Annie's fine.
- Actually, I never even knew
about it until I came across
some pages of a
novel he was writing.
- You brought it?
- It's terrific!
- It's rotten!
Please, I don't...
- That's where
you keep his novel?
In the diaper bag?
(laughter)
What do you do?
Knock off a couple of chapters
and see if they hold water?
(laughter)
- Max, I think it's terrific
that you want to write...
- So do I!
The guy has gotta
go for his dream.
Do it!
Where would I be
today if I didn't have
the courage to change?
(laughter)
And I will.
(laughter)
You should, too.
(baby crying)
Hey, I'll go in and
take care of her.
I know how to keep a baby quiet.
All you do is you
put a little maple
syrup on her fingers, right?
Then, give her a
feather to play with.
(laughter)
That will keep
her busy for hours.
(laughter)
- Actually, I think Max
is a very good writer.
- Oh, come on, now.
It's amateur time.
Julie, you and the
baby come first.
- Max, I'm not helpless!
I can get my job
back at the clinic.
- You're really
moving back here?
- Well, until we get
back on our feet again,
I'm sure we could stay here.
There's plenty of
room, right, Mom?
- Funny you should
mention room...
- Yeah, funny.
- Shorty, listen.
There's absolutely no
way I'm gonna move
back in here with you.
- Good.
I mean, you're welcome, Max,
but the point of
the matter is...
- Hey, hey, Shorty, listen.
I am not stupid enough
to think that just because
I bashed out a few
pages with words on it that
I'm going to be able to
earn my living as a writer.
- That's being sensible.
- This is very good.
- Hey, you think so?
- Yes, and this
part is hilarious.
- You know, it's
only a first draft.
I'm gonna make some changes.
- You're kidding!
It's wonderful!
- Sight unseen, I bet this is
fabulous but come on, Max.
That doesn't mean that...
- Okay, you're right.
It's just a stupid pipe dream.
- Oh, Max!
You know, I never thought
I'd say this to you but I am.
You know what you're problem is?
- What?
- You're afraid
to take a chance!
- Oh, Julie!
- Max, you're a coward!
- What?
- Yeah.
- Coward?
- Yeah.
- Afraid to take a chance, huh?
- All right, let's see.
- Max?
Excuse me, Max, but
who exactly are you calling?
- Afraid to take a chance?
Me? Coward?
(chuckling)
Hello, Al please.
Al, Max Horvath.
Listen, Al.
I've had it, Al.
I'm giving you my
two weeks' notice.
Oh, really?
Well, then, I quit right now!
- All right!
- Oh, Max!
- Oh, Max.
- Oh, God.
(laughter)
- I am so proud of you, honey.
I knew you'd do it.
- Six months, Julie.
I'll give it my best
shot for six months,
then, after that, if
nothing happens, that's it.
I've tried, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay, Shorty.
Where do you want our stuff?
In Barbara's old room?
- And now, back to Earth.
- See, that's the thing.
Guess who's sleeping
in Barbara's old room?
- I am.
With her.
(laughter)
- You guys are back here?
- Yeah, it's a long story
involving the housing shortage
and an exploding still.
- Oh, well, listen.
It's no problem.
We've got some loot and we
can go stay in a motel room.
- A motel?
You're going to bring
that beautiful little baby
to some tacky motel?
Where is she gonna sleep?
In a vibrating crib?
(laughter)
Come on, Ms. Romano.
This ain't gonna do.
- All right, all
right, all right.
Nobody's going to
stay in any motel.
We'll figure something out.
- Thanks, Shorty.
- Hi!
- Alex!
I forgot Alex!
(laughter)
- Max! Julie!
- Hey, Alex!
How are you doing?
- Guess what?
- What?
- Max and Annie
and I are going to be
staying here for a while.
- That's great, that's great!
Here?
(laughter)
It's good.
It will be fun.
So, um, where's everybody
going to be sleeping from now on?
- Okay, Alex, I've been
thinking about this for the last...
- Look, Big Guy.
Why don't you bunk downstairs
in the Captain's
Quarters with me, huh?
- Can I?
- Well, I...
Okay.
Thank you, Schneider.
(chuckling)
- I'll go get my stuff.
Schneider's place.
I'll mature by leaps and bounds.
(laughter)
- Okay, listen up, everybody.
This has come as a big shock
to everyone, including me,
and I just want to remind
everyone that we all have
our own lives to lead,
including me, and that,
if this is gonna work,
we're all just gonna
have to respect
the other person's
privacy, especially mine.
- Shorty, don't worry.
You'll never even
know we're here.
(baby crying)
- Oh, she's probably wet.
Coming, Annie!
- I'll help you with
the bags, Max.
- Thanks! Careful!
- Well...
- No, don't go.
Come on in for a little.
- Into that zoo?
(laughter)
- It's almost one o'clock.
Hopefully, the animals
will be sleeping.
- Somehow, you're convincing me.
- Good, I was hoping I would.
You see, my love, I really
enjoy spending some time
in my own home with
the man I'm crazy about.
- I can understand that.
- Piece of paper!
(laughter)
I've got to have
a piece of paper!
Oh, God!
What a sensational idea!
- Max?
- Huh?
- Sam.
Sam, Max.
- Oh, that's my name, too.
Hi.
(laughter)
- Max, what's wrong?
- I was fast asleep and I
had this incredible brainstorm.
It's an entire novel
in one sentence but
I gotta have a piece of
paper or I'm gonna forget it.
Sam, got a piece of paper?
Let me write on your tie.
Just a few ideas, I'll remember.
(laughter)
- Here we go.
- Oh, this is paper, good.
Theater tickets.
Let me just jot down my ideas.
(cackling)
Oh, this is dynamite.
(laughter)
All right, all right.
There's this businessman
who feels that
the pace of his
life is too fast,
so he becomes a turtle in a zoo.
Only then, the pace of
his life is too slow, but now,
it's too late because he's
stuck being an old turtle.
(laughter)
Okay, listen.
Let's make believe
that a lunatic never
came out of the bedroom, okay?
- Okay.
- Very good.
- Okay, I'm just gonna slip
off back to La-La Land now.
- Goodnight.
Would you turn out
the light as you leave?
- Max, you woke up Annie
with your "Paper, piece of paper!"
- Ah, Julie, Sam.
Sam, Julie.
- Hi, Julie.
Nice to meet you.
- Sam, Annie.
Annie, Sam.
- Listen, we'll be out of
your hair in just a second.
This usually only
takes a verse or two.
Okay, ready?
- Yeah.
♪ Annie, Annie, Bo-bannie
♪ Banana-Fana fo
fannie ♪ Fee fi mo mannie
♪ Annie (laughter)
- Care to dance?
- Could we keep
it just a bit quieter?
Mark and I both have
big exams in the morning
and fee fi fo fannie is
not part of the curriculum.
- Listen, why don't
we all go back to bed
and leave them alone?
- Good idea.
- Okay, I'll try the
couch just for tonight.
- What is wrong downstairs?
- I've never heard anyone
snore like that in my entire life.
(laughter)
At first I thought
Schneider was kidding,
because it was one of those
cartoon snores, you know,
like Rip Van Winkle?
(snoring and sputtering)
(laughter)
I'll never get
any sleep tonight.
- Max, try that turtle story.
(laughter)
- Never mind.
- You guys having
a pajama party?
- Sweetheart, it's
1:00 in the morning.
You have school in the morning.
We have to go to work.
I'm sure everybody
could use a little sleep,
including Annie here.
(baby crying)
- Oh, great!
- She was so quiet!
- I'm sorry, honest to
God, I really am sorry,
but every time...
- Well, look, it looks like
it's gonna be an all-nighter,
so anybody know
any novelty songs?
She's getting very selective.
- I got one.
- Really?
A turtle song, maybe?
- I'll try.
(laughter)
♪ Oh how I hate to
get up in the morning
♪ Oh how I'd love
to remain in bed
♪ But the hardest blow of all
♪ Is to hear that bugle call
♪ You've got to get up
♪ You've gotta get up
♪ You've got to
get up in the morning
(applause)
- So, Navy?
- Marines.
(laughter)
- I have major exams
tomorrow morning,
but am I going to
be a spoil-sport?
No!
While you people are partying,
I am going to go down
to the library and study.
(laughter)
Maybe I was a little hasty.
- Okay, how about
some hot chocolate?
Anybody, hot chocolate?
- Yeah, great idea!
- We're up now anyway, right?
- We might as well.
- Listen, Ms. Romano,
have you got any Bosco?
(laughter)
- It's time for Annie's feeding.
I hope nobody minds.
- Honey, come on and have
some hot chocolate, okay?
(glass shattering)
- Oh, for heaven's sakes, Mark!
- Hey, Shorty?
I don't think this
milk is any good.
You want to smell it?
You trying to poison a large
group of people all at once?
- It's still okay,
it's still okay.
The date is okay on it.
- Yeah, but it smells horrible.
- All right, well,
use the other carton.
- Mom, what about the
small marshmallows?
- I can't find any Bosco!
- Wait a minute.
(baby crying)
(applause)
- Will you excuse
us please, Henry?
What is the matter
with you, Romano?
- I'm sorry, Francine.
I just faded out
there for a second.
- Ann, there is a man in there
with a checkbook in one hand,
a pen in the other, and
you go into a trance!
- Yeah, I know, I know.
But could you just
leave me alone?
This past week has been so
crazy, you wouldn't believe it.
- Ann?
- I have so many
people in my house.
- Ann, excuse me.
- And then I'm trying to
have a relationship with Sam...
- Ann, excuse me?
- Yes, what?
- I would like to say
something to you
and I want you to know
that I mean this sincerely.
- What?
- I don't care.
(laughter)
- Thanks for the pep talk.
- You're welcome.
Now, let's get back to work.
I'm so sorry, Henry.
(knocking)
- Oh, Mom, I'm so
glad you're not busy!
- Ah, Julie...
- No, listen.
The lady from the
employment agency called and
she's got me two interviews
and they both sound great.
Max is at the library and
Barbara and Mark are both
at school so I'm gonna
leave Annie with you, okay?
- No, darling...
- Her diaper and her
bottle are both in here and
I'll be back to
pick her up later.
- Honey...
- You are terrific.
You're the greatest
mother, I swear.
Goodbye!
- Annie, will you please?
When did this happen?
(laughter)
- All right, Francine, just
don't get hysterical, all right?
Julie had two job
interviews to go on.
(baby crying)
Oh, it figures.
It figures.
- Annie, do something!
- I am!
I'm making her cry.
I always make her cry.
I do it well, don't I?
Ssh, ssh, Annie!
Hold out your hands, Francine.
- What? Oh, no!
Oh, Ann, no!
Oh well, oh!
My goodness, isn't this nice?
(laughter)
Oh, what an exquisite child!
Oh, she could be mine!
(laughter)
Wait, where are you going?
You're not leaving me
alone with this baby?
- Well, Mr. Kenton is
waiting for a presentation.
- What if she does something
rude like spit up or something?
(laughter)
- Spit back or something.
(laughter)
Mr. Kenton, forgive
me for the delay,
it's just that this has
been such a strange day.
As a matter of fact, it
has been a strange week.
My household... Never mind that.
Believe me when I
tell you that right now,
the only thing on
my mind is your...
Your... - Yogurt.
(laughter)
- Yes, yes, yes!
Yogurt, that's right.
That's right.
It is yogurt.
Could you excuse me
for just a minute, please?
- Now, this is called Lust.
It's from France
and it cost $90.
(laughter)
Trust me, it's worth every cent.
- Francine, what the
hell are you doing?
- What is going on here?
Whose baby is that?
- You've heard of
the Gerber baby?
I would like you to meet
the Kenton Yogurt baby.
(laughter)
- That's not the
Kenton Yogurt baby.
That is my granddaughter, Annie.
- Don't tell me.
She's going to
handle my account.
(laughter)
Is this an advertising
agency or a nursery school?
- Let me tell you
something, Mr. Kenton.
Do you think that your
yogurt is more important
than a sweet, precious baby?
Well, ha-ha-ha-ha!
Because I'm gonna
tell you something.
I hate yogurt!
It is slimy.
It's gooey and it tastes
like spoiled sour cream.
You look just like a person
who makes yogurt and
you want to know something else?
Yogurt sounds
just like what it is.
Yo! Gurt!
(laughter)
Yo! Gurt!
So, who wants a
damn Yo-Gurt account!
(laughter)
Don't say a word.
- Oh, Ann.
(chuckling)
I agree with you completely.
Not to worry.
It's probably not hereditary.
(laughter)
- Oh, boy I'm hungry.
Well, you blew it.
- What?
- You were supposed
to put the potatoes in
with the roast an hour ago.
Now, the roast is
gonna be ready,
but the potatoes are
gonna be like rocks.
You blew it!
- I was writing.
I got involved.
- Yeah.
- What does "yeah" mean?
- Nothing.
- Wait a second, let
me tell you something.
Writing may look easy to you,
but each one of these
represents an ounce of my blood.
- Yeah, you must be ready
for a transfusion about now.
(laughter)
- That does it.
Let me tell you
something, Royer.
You know, when we first met,
I thought you were
a pretty nice guy,
but during this last week,
I realized something.
- What?
- You're arrogant.
- Arrogant?
- Ssh!
The baby's sleeping!
Be quiet!
- I am...
- Hello.
Everything okay?
- [Both] Fine.
(laughter)
- Good.
I'm real glad to hear that.
Now, I am going to
get into a hot shower.
Mark, when your father calls,
will you just ask
him to come on over?
We're going to an early
dinner and a movie.
A quiet movie.
Maybe a silent movie.
(laughter)
- Yeah, well, enjoy your dinner.
We here are eating raw
potatoes, thank you very much.
- Shorty, you know what
Chef Boyardee's problem is?
(laughter)
He thinks that just because
he's gonna be a dentist
with his own spit
sink (laughter)
he can look down his
nose at the rest of us.
He's arrogant.
- No, no, no, no.
This here is the problem.
- Hey, hey!
Keep your mitts off my
work, Mr. Root Canal!
- Oh, yeah, Mr. Truman Capote?
You call that work?
Here, I can work!
- Hey, hey!
- Here's a short story, huh?
How about a novel!
- Gentlemen, gentlemen!
Gentlemen, it's been a
very difficult day for me,
so will you shut up, please?
Thank you.
- Hey!
I found an apartment.
- [Max] You're kidding!
- Thank God!
- Actually, it's the
basement of this old house
on Lombard Street owned
by this cute little old lady
with blue hair and
all she cares about is
that someone nice lives
there, and we're nice.
- We are nice.
- Yeah.
(laughter)
- How much does it cost?
- Only $250 a month and
Max, it's perfect and I know
I'm gonna get one of those
jobs I interviewed for today.
There's this tiny little
room where you can study
and there's a fireplace.
What do you say?
- You'll take it.
- Wait a second now.
We'll take it!
- Oh, great!
Let's go check on Annie and
then we'll call Mrs. Osgood.
- Okay, call right now?
- Now, I'm going to stand
under that hot shower.
- Oh, good!
Honey, you're home!
You're never going
to believe this.
I found the greatest apartment.
- You don't need to
because, you know, Julie...
- It's the basement
apartment of this house,
but it's really terrific
and we can afford it.
It's got this fireplace.
It's got a nice little room
where you can study
and it's owned by this
cute little old lady with...
- Blue hair?
- Yeah, and she just
wants to rent out to...
- Somebody nice.
- All I wanted to do was
stand under a hot shower.
(laughter)
- [Both] $250 - Oh, boy.
- Okay, look, we
can work this out.
- Yeah, now we're
gonna find out who's nice.
- Honey?
- What's that supposed to mean?
- That means we're
gonna work it out fairly.
- Exactly.
- No, it doesn't.
It means that he thinks
he's entitled to the apartment.
- Did I say that?
- That's not true!
- I told you, I
took the message.
Wanda called.
(everyone shouting at once)
(doorbell ringing)
- The jacket is that funny?
What's going on here?
Are you finding this funny?
Are you getting hysterical?
Okay, everybody, that's enough.
Hold it down.
Okay, shut up.
Shut up!
Shut up!
Is this an apartment
or an asylum?
What, are you trying
to drive her crazy?
Will that make you happy?
Come on, let's go.
It's okay.
(laughing maniacally)
Do you want me to slap you?
(laughter)
- No.
- Do you want me to slap them?
- Oh, Sam!
Sam!
Oh boy, oh boy, oh wow.
You want to know what
started me off in there?
- Sure.
- I started thinking about
that old Marx Brothers movie
where thousands of
people were jammed into
one tiny stateroom and then
every time the door opened,
somebody else would
squeeze in and finally
Harpo was lying on top
of the crowd, honking.
(laughter)
I was honking.
Nobody was listening.
- I see.
Why don't you come live with me?
Honk if you love Sam!
(laughter)
Look, they're all old enough
to look after themselves.
Why let them drive
you around the bend.
Come on.
Move in with me.
Right now.
Tonight.
- Oh, you're crazy.
(knocking)
- Come out!
(laughter)
- Ann, Dad, listen.
I think I speak for everyone
when I say how sorry we are
that we acted like such brats.
- Yes, Mom.
From now on, we're all
gonna be on our best behavior.
- All?
- All.
- We blew the apartment.
Somebody else took it.
(sobbing)
- Does a Mrs. Julie
Horvath live here?
- That's me.
- Oh, we got
your stuff out here.
- Your what?
- Oh, great!
- Okay, bring it in.
- What are you talking about?
- Well, Mom, I told
you I was gonna
send for my
furniture eventually.
- A week is not eventually.
This may be the stupidest
thing you've ever done.
- What's so stupid about it?
You know how expensive
it is to store furniture?
- I don't believe this.
- We certainly have a
lot of room for this junk!
(everyone shouting at once)
- Sam, is that offer still open?
- You want to get
some clothes and stuff?
- I'll buy new.
(laughter)
- [Announcer] Tune in next
week for the conclusion of
Pride and Privacy.
(applause)
("One Day At A Time")