One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 8, Episode 10 - First Things First - full transcript
When Barbara returns to college, there is little money and little time for romance.
♪ This is it ♪ This is it
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it
♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Hey, Beulah.
I'm gonna use your
hot plate, okay?
Mine blew up when I
tried to dry my socks on it.
- Mm.
- Cookin' up some beans.
They say if you're
ever lost in the desert,
the best thing you can
have with you is beans.
The next best thing
is a can opener.
What are you reading?
Economic concepts
and monetary quotients?
Does your husband known
you're reading this smut?
(audience laughing)
- They shouldn't jail criminals,
they should make
'em go to dental school.
Hi, honey.
- Hi, dear.
(audience laughing)
- So what's up?
- I can tell you
one thing for sure,
she isn't interested in beans.
- Well, I'm glad to hear that.
Economic concepts,
are we broke again?
- Oh no, I'm gonna
be assistant buyer
at Olympia Sporting Goods.
- You got a promotion!
- No, no, no, no, I
didn't get a promotion.
I am going to get a promotion.
You see, I study
like mad, right?
And Mr. Ericson
gives me this test,
and I pass it, and
then I become assistant
buyer for the whole chain.
- Wow.
- From that moment
on, you're gonna have
to make an
appointment to kiss me.
That one was for free.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- What would you say to
a little late-night popcorn?
- Great.
- You got any?
(audience laughing)
- Hey, did you hear,
Beulah's gonna be
an assistant buyer
for that place where
she works, and
we all have to make
appointments to kiss her.
- An appointment to
kiss another man's wife?
That takes the
adventure out of it.
- What brought all this on?
- I don't know, Mark,
I'm restless, I guess.
And we could use
the extra money.
- Uh.
- And I would like
to be somebody.
- She's right, she's certainly
nobody the way she is.
- You want to be somebody.
What does that mean exactly?
- Oh, I don't know.
It's just uh,
I'm not complaining...
- Yes, she is.
- No, she isn't.
It's more of a whine.
- Lay off, guys.
Barb, is something wrong?
- No, honey, please
don't get any ideas.
I love you, I'm happy... - But?
- I can't explain it.
When Mr. Ericson came
up with this assistant
buyer thing, it just
sounded like a chance to,
like I said, be somebody.
- Okay, who put the
socks on my toaster?
- Oh great, are they done?
- Hey, have you got
any popcorn on you?
(audience laughing)
- Just in time, just
in time for the saga
of Barbara Royer.
Will she find happiness
(Hal humming)
as an assistant buyer?
Or will she destroy
her happiness
with Marcus Royer,
the town dentist.
Will they get to the root
canal of the problem?
- Hey, Jefferson, shut up.
- The end.
- So Marcus, what
do you think about this
assistant buyer thing, huh?
- Wait, wait, wait,
let's not make
a big deal out of it, okay?
It's just a chance
for a better job.
There must be this little voice
way back here someplace
telling me I'm nobody.
- Yeah, I got one of those too.
I call it my father.
(audience laughing)
- But what's all this
about being somebody?
You are somebody.
- Sure she is, to
you, not to herself.
Look, Marcus, people
have to find themselves.
- Yeah, I just want to be
more than a clerk in a store.
- Well, there is a problem.
Barbara being a woman.
I read about this
study that proved
women are smarter than horses,
but that horses are
dumber than sponges.
(audience laughing)
Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- So when do you take the test?
- Tomorrow.
I wanted to surprise
you, but I had
to bring this book
home to study.
- You know, I just
realized something,
I'm sitting here with
a pocket full of beans.
I'll see you guys later.
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
- You coming, Hal?
- Nah, I don't think so.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Never did find the
popcorn anyway.
- We don't have any.
- That explains it.
Are you coming, Eloise?
- Why are you guys
treating this thing
like it's a crisis and
then doing the we
better leave them alone bit?
I mean, we're talking
self realization here.
I mean, we're talkin'
Barbara's future...
- Eloise, if you don't come
here right now, we're talkin'
- [Both] we remove the towel.
- Bye.
- [Jeff] Adios.
- Look, Mark, let's
not make more of this
than it is, okay?
I love you, you love me,
our lives are terrific,
and I'm gonna pass
that test tomorrow.
- I don't doubt it,
but it bothers me
that all of a sudden
you think you're nobody.
There's nobody more
somebody than you.
It's that you feel
you're more my wife
than Barbara, isn't it?
- No.
It's not that.
I don't know what I think.
I'm only sure of one thing.
- What?
- I'm smarter than a sponge.
- What you do is
you take the blouse,
the shirt, whatever, you
button every second button,
and you fold it like that.
There you go.
- Let me see that again.
- (laughing) Right, I get to
do all the work that way huh?
Pay attention.
Uh, Alex, pay attention.
(door slams) You button every.
You flunked the test.
- I passed the test.
- Well, that's great!
Isn't it?
- They tested three of us, okay?
Harry, Linda and me.
I beat Harry by 50 points,
and I tied with Linda.
- That's terrific!
- Yeah, congratulations.
- Wrong.
I'm still a clerk, and
Linda got the job,
because she went to college.
She went to
college, and I didn't.
I didn't go to
college, and she did.
She got the job, and I didn't.
(audience laughing)
Do you have
something I could break?
- Yeah, darling, go
ahead, but be selective.
- Uh, it's not worth it.
It probably wouldn't even break,
because I didn't go to college.
(audience laughing)
- Aw, darling, I'm sorry.
I really, really am.
- Yeah, me too, Barb.
Being beaten out by a
woman's gotta be the worst.
(audience laughing)
- Well, go ahead
and say it, Mom.
- Say what?
- What you've said all along,
I should've gone to college.
I belong in college right now.
A time will come
when I will regret
not having gone to college.
- Darling, I'm not
going to apologize
for having been
more or less right.
- You weren't
more or less right.
You were absolutely right.
- Honey, I've learned
that college isn't
for everyone, but I
have always believed
it was right for you.
- I know that!
I not only missed my education,
I missed the dances, the
panty raids, the ballgames.
- Panty raids?
It's amazing we ever
made it to the moon.
- Mom, I'm good at figures.
I have a feel for business.
I would've been a good,
I would've been a
great assistant buyer.
- Oh darling, I'm sure
you would've been.
So lesson learned, come
on, go to college now.
- No!
Mom, I said no.
Everything stays the
same, do you hear me?
- Hard not to, you're shouting.
- I'm sorry, I guess I just
had to yell at somebody.
Look, Mark comes
first on this thing.
I am helping him get
through dental school,
and I don't want
anybody making him feel
that he's holding me back
from something I want to do.
Nobody, Mom.
That goes for you too, Alex.
- I'm just a 14-year-old
kid trying to survive.
(audience laughing)
- Hold still, okay?
(knocking)
Come in.
- Oh, hi.
- Oh, hi, Ms. Romano.
- Hi-oh.
- Beulah's down the hall.
She'll be right back.
- Oh, no problem.
I just came by to
drop off this bag.
She left it at my
place last night.
Why do you call her Beulah?
- Because she asked
me not to call her Babs.
May I look in your mouth?
- I beg your pardon?
- Give the poor slob
a break, Ms. Romano.
He's got a dental
exam coming up,
and he knows every
mouth in the building.
- Well, I have errands to run.
I'm not too thrilled
about this whole...
- Come on, please?
You're the only
virgin territory around.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, well, uh, if you insist.
- Please, come on.
- Yeah, okay.
- Sit right down there.
- All right, just a minute.
For a minute, okay?
- That's too bad about
Barb gettin' shot down
yesterday, isn't it?
- Oh, she told you.
- No, she told Eloise.
Same thing, though.
- Okay, open up, please.
- Oh, good.
Ms. Romano, I'm
glad you're here.
Do you know that your
daughter wants to disappear
as a human being while
she subverts herself to Mark?
Isn't that wrong?
Isn't it?
- Miss Romano, don't
listen to the talking towel.
Barbara and Mark
made a deal, right?
- A uh.
- This is real interesting,
Miss Romano.
Did you know that
you have a fat tongue?
- I do?
(audience laughing)
- Oh Mom, hi.
- Ah, Barbara, your
mother agrees with us.
- Uh I, I don't
agree with anything.
Honey, I just came here
to bring back your bag.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Look, Barbara,
why don't you work
and go to school at
the same time, right?
And Mark'll work
and go to school
at the same time, and
voila, two equal people
sharing an equal life together.
- Eloise, how's your boyfriend?
- I don't have one.
- I rest my case.
(audience laughing)
- Look, Barbara, do
you want to remain
little miss clerk while
we turn into educated
savoir faire types?
I mean, do ya?
Does she, Miss Romano?
I don't think that she does.
- Uh uh uh.
- Barb, do you wanna
go back to school?
- Well...
- Yes, she wants to.
See her eyes light up?
I knew it.
- Well, your teeth
are fine, Ms. Romano,
but I'm worried
about that fat tongue.
Do you ever have
trouble talking?
- No, Jeff.
- Not ever.
- Open up.
Rinse.
Thank you very much
for the use of your mouth.
Please pay the
nurse on the way out.
- Look, Mark and I decided...
- Oh, hey listen, do the
two of you have a contract?
I mean, did you sig an
oath in blood or something?
- Okay, Eloise, it's easy to say
Mark will work but doing what?
- What about his
T-shirt business?
He's neglected that.
He can start it up again.
- You know what I think?
I think I better
go home and take
my fat tongue outta
here before it gets
me in trouble, but may I say,
I like the way it's going.
- Bye, Mom, thank
you for bringing my bag.
- Bye, baby.
- Bye.
- Oho, hi.
- Uh oh, a visit
from the mother-in-law.
What mischief hath
thou wrought woman?
- (laughing) My
Lord Royer, thine wife
is about to make a
decision, and it behooveth me
to get the hell outta here.
Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye, Mom.
- You made a decision?
- Yeah, we think so.
- Oh, but Mom had
nothing to do with it.
- Nothing to do with what?
- Hungry?
- No.
- Um, Mark?
- Yeah?
- I'm gonna go back
to school, college,
with you and everybody,
and say something, quick.
- You know, I like it.
- Yeah?
- In fact, I
think it's terrific.
- Oh good.
- So when do you
think you'll start back?
- Now.
- Now?
- Before he finishes
dental school?
- Way to go, you just
destroyed a marriage.
- That's what my mom and
dad always used to tell me.
(audience laughing)
- Barb and Mark'll survive.
- It'll be rough.
- Hey, guys, it's gonna work.
Now, come on,
everybody outta here.
Come on, come
on, not you, silly.
Come on, come on.
- Bye-bye, silly.
- Yeah, right.
- It'll work.
Uh.
(audience applauding)
(alarm clock ringing)
- [Barbara Voiceover]
Sweetheart, I had to get
to the bookstore
before my first class.
I left you half a grapefruit,
a bowl of corn flakes
and all my love. (lips kissing)
P.S. there's no milk.
(audience laughing)
- [Mark Voiceover]
Honey, I may be up most
the night in the chem lab.
Here's $2 for the electric bill.
Hope you have the rest.
P.S. I picked up the milk.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
How are you?
- Oh, fine.
How's school?
- Okay.
You lost a little weight?
- Oh, no, no.
You look good.
- Oh, thanks.
Well, nice seeing ya.
- Yeah, wait, where
are you going?
- I have to deliver
these T-shirts.
- In a suit and tie?
- Yeah, the only
thing I had clean.
- Oh.
- I love you.
- Love you too.
- Bye, see you soon.
- Bye
Oh, Mark, I got
chicken for dinner.
- Oh, great.
Bye.
- Bye.
(audience laughing)
Honey, guess what?
- I remember you.
- Oh!
Honey, I got a B-plus
in economics 1A.
- Great, let's celebrate.
(audience laughing)
- Aren't you gonna talk to me?
- Sure, I love your
eyes, your face,
your teeth, your hair.
Now, let me help you
out of your clothes.
- Honey, no, no, the family's
coming over for dinner.
- When?
- Any minute.
- Uh.
What am I doing?
I'm exhausted.
For a moment there, I
thought I was aroused.
(audience laughing)
- Oh honey, look, I
know we haven't had
time for some things lately.
But it's not that bad.
How about next February?
- How come we have
people coming over?
Can't we just
turn out the lights
and pretend we're not here?
- Mark, you invited them.
- I did?
- Yes.
- [Mark] Well, you're
supposed to stop me
from doing dumb things.
What about food?
- It's in the oven.
- We don't have an oven.
- Eloise's oven.
She's making meatloaf for us,
and Jeff is making the salad.
Didn't you hear what I said?
- What?
- I got a B-plus
in economics 1A.
- Hey.
- If I could just ace that
English quiz next week.
- You're really enjoying
this, aren't you?
- Oh, I love it.
How about you?
- Uh, yeah, it seems
to be working out.
Hey, you sure we go
to the same school?
I never see you once
we hit the campus.
How about lunch tomorrow?
- Oh honey, I'd love
to, but I go straight
from my 11 o'clock
class to the store.
- I tell you what,
meet you right here
every night about midnight.
Try not to be wearing
anything complicated.
(knocking)
He's got a key to everything!
(audience laughing)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Wine for my hostess.
- Oh.
- Good stuff.
- Screw top.
- Yeah, well, they
were all out of pop top.
(audience laughing)
Where do you want
me to sit for dinner?
- Oh, sit anywhere.
Hold on a second.
They're here!
- [Eloise] Okay!
Jeff, they're here,
bring the salad!
- [Jeff] Okay!
- See, I'm up to
here in homework,
so I had the guys make dinner.
- I don't care who makes it.
I'm starved.
I haven't eaten any
food all day long.
My stomach has been
sending mail grams to my mouth.
(audience laughing)
- Honey, you do seem
a little disorganized.
You okay?
- Yeah, it must be
tough working and going
to school at the same time.
- Oh, it is tough,
but Alex, I love it.
- You want tough?
Try going without food for
seven hours and 32 inutes.
(audience laughing)
- If you guys could excuse me
for a few inutes,
I've gotta take
these T-shirts
down to a boutique
before they close tonight.
- Oh, you want me
to go with you to help?
- Uh no, if you want
to help, you can fold
those T-shirts right there.
Bye-bye.
- Okay, honey, wh... bye.
- (laughing) Check this out.
- The hills are alive
with the sound of music.
I don't get it.
- I guess it loses something
if it's not worn by a girl.
(laughing)
- Hey, that's okay.
Give me one of these
things, let me see.
- All right, all right.
- What does that say there?
- You're wasting your
time looking here, I'm a guy.
(laughing)
That's terrific.
See, what it means is that...
- I know what it means.
Honestly, if women
didn't have breasts,
you men would be speechless.
(audience laughing)
- Uh, when are we gonna eat?
- Schneider, the
food's on the way.
- From where, Buffalo?
By buffalo?
- Ah, honey, maybe you're
taking on too much, huh?
- No, Mom, no.
You were right when
you were badgering me
about going to college.
You were right when
you were hammering
at me to be an individual.
Do you remember what you
told me on my wedding day?
- Did I hammer or badger?
- No, you said if I wanted
to preserve my marriage,
I had to remember who I
was, or something like that.
- Tell me again how I was right.
I hear it so seldom.
- In any case, it's
working, thank you.
- There you go.
- A piece of toast,
a dog biscuit.
(knocking)
Some knockwurst.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, hi, everybody.
- Hi, Eloise.
- Hi, Eloise.
- Look, Barbara,
I made your meatloaf, okay?
I mean, I make a
really great meatloaf.
- God love you.
- I forgot to turn on the oven.
- God forgive you.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, Beulah, you know
that lettuce I thought I had?
It turned out to be
Brussels sprouts.
(audience laughing)
- Anybody for Brussels
sprouts tartare?
- Well, they don't
go with the wine,
but why don't you
serve 'em up anyway.
- I don't think we picked
a good night for this.
- I think you're right.
Eloise, Jeff, thanks a lot.
Honey, we'll grab a
bite on the way home.
- Mom, I'm really sorry.
- Oh come on, we've
survived bigger crises than this.
Thanks.
Uh, thanks for the
good thoughts, kids.
Bye, sweetheart.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Give Mark a kiss for me.
Schneider, if you're gonna cry,
would you do it in the car?
- They look like
cabbages for little kids.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, let's go.
- Bye, Barb, thanks.
- Bye, thank you.
- Goodbye.
- Hi, Barb.
- Hi.
- Does she know?
- We weren't gonna
tell her, mouth.
Now we have to.
She's gonna ask us
what we're talking about.
- What are you talking about?
- See?
- Dental school.
- Yeah, look, Barbara,
things are going so
good with you and Marcus,
well, we didn't want to
tell you that he flunked.
- Flunked, flunked what?
- One of his tests.
It's nothing important,
though, something about teeth.
(audience laughing)
- He didn't want
to tell you about it.
He's got this ah noble streak.
- Yeah, and I've got
this yellow streak.
I think I'll be going
before he gets back.
- Me too.
- Meatloaf, Brussels
sprouts, good news,
I think we've helped
you guys enough today.
See ya, Beul.
- How are your classes?
- Same old stuff.
- Not tonight, dear,
I have a headache.
- Tests okay?
- Tough.
- But okay?
- Why not?
Get your foot off my leg, woman.
Oh ho ho ho,
Barbara Royer, you are
an inflammatory person.
- Um hmm.
- Um hmm.
- Mm, that's better.
For a minute there, I
thought you were dead.
Mark, I'm quitting school.
No arguments, just
until you graduate.
- You know I flunked the test.
So you're quitting
school for me.
- Honey, we have
to do something.
- Barbara, look me
straight in the eye
and tell me that you
want to quit school.
- Okay, I don't
want to quit school
but wanting has
nothing to do with it.
- I don't accept
sacrifices well, so forget it.
You're not quitting school.
- Okay.
- Okay, just like that okay?
That's some solution!
- Well, Mark, you just
said forget quitting school.
- I know what I said,
but you could've argued
a little before you
agreed with me!
- Look, honey, you're
just getting touchy
because you're really tire...
- I'm touchy because
everything was going
just fine until you decided
to become Betty co-ed.
- That was cheap.
- Yeah, well, that's all
I can afford right now.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- I don't want
you to quit school.
- What's the problem?
- The problem is that
we're studying so hard
so that we can have
time to earn money
to pay for school,
where we're spending all
the time we don't
have to be together
because we're working so
hard, we don't have time to study!
- Easy for you to say.
(audience laughing)
Okay, so our lives are
falling apart, maybe.
What do you want to do about it?
- I knew you'd ask that.
- Okay, okay, first.
First, we have to think
about money, right?
- [Mark] Yeah.
- Okay, work.
Say I put in one extra hour
a day at the store, okay?
Say you put out 10
extra T-shirts a week.
- That's not...
- Now, wait a second
before you start
yelling at me again.
You put out 10 extra
T-shirts so you don't
have to take the
time to deliver them,
we have them come
over here and pick 'em up
and go maybe 3% off.
- Yeah, maybe.
- Yeah?
- I could hock my golf clubs.
- (gasps) I was forgetting!
We have $25 coming in.
- From what?
- Grandma, she
always gives Julie
and me $25 every Christmas.
- But don't you have
to buy her something?
- Okay, we'll subtract $5.
- We can cut out all frills.
- Yeah.
- We don't buy lunches.
We skip all movies.
And at dinner time,
we visit your mother.
- Yeah, right.
Oh, I could always let out
some of Mom's old dresses.
- I'm not wearing your
mom's old dresses.
(audience laughing)
- I could always do
somebody's laundry.
- What about sex?
- No, just their laundry.
(audience laughing)
- Honey, I think we're
kidding ourselves.
It can't be done.
- If it can't be done,
how come so many
other kids our age are doing it?
- You're not quitting school.
- And you're not flunking out.
- So what are we gonna do?
- Ugh.
- What was that?
- American literature.
I'll take it next semester
so we can have
more time together.
- Periodontics,
let their gums rot.
I just want to spend
some time with you.
I'll pick it up next summer.
Oh my God.
- What?
- What's that?
- It's a rose.
(audience laughing)
I got it for you on Monday,
but I didn't have
time to give it to you.
- That's sweet.
Come here.
(laughing)
(audience applauding)
(upbeat music)
(electronic music)
♪ This is life, the one you get
♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it
♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
- Hey, Beulah.
I'm gonna use your
hot plate, okay?
Mine blew up when I
tried to dry my socks on it.
- Mm.
- Cookin' up some beans.
They say if you're
ever lost in the desert,
the best thing you can
have with you is beans.
The next best thing
is a can opener.
What are you reading?
Economic concepts
and monetary quotients?
Does your husband known
you're reading this smut?
(audience laughing)
- They shouldn't jail criminals,
they should make
'em go to dental school.
Hi, honey.
- Hi, dear.
(audience laughing)
- So what's up?
- I can tell you
one thing for sure,
she isn't interested in beans.
- Well, I'm glad to hear that.
Economic concepts,
are we broke again?
- Oh no, I'm gonna
be assistant buyer
at Olympia Sporting Goods.
- You got a promotion!
- No, no, no, no, I
didn't get a promotion.
I am going to get a promotion.
You see, I study
like mad, right?
And Mr. Ericson
gives me this test,
and I pass it, and
then I become assistant
buyer for the whole chain.
- Wow.
- From that moment
on, you're gonna have
to make an
appointment to kiss me.
That one was for free.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- What would you say to
a little late-night popcorn?
- Great.
- You got any?
(audience laughing)
- Hey, did you hear,
Beulah's gonna be
an assistant buyer
for that place where
she works, and
we all have to make
appointments to kiss her.
- An appointment to
kiss another man's wife?
That takes the
adventure out of it.
- What brought all this on?
- I don't know, Mark,
I'm restless, I guess.
And we could use
the extra money.
- Uh.
- And I would like
to be somebody.
- She's right, she's certainly
nobody the way she is.
- You want to be somebody.
What does that mean exactly?
- Oh, I don't know.
It's just uh,
I'm not complaining...
- Yes, she is.
- No, she isn't.
It's more of a whine.
- Lay off, guys.
Barb, is something wrong?
- No, honey, please
don't get any ideas.
I love you, I'm happy... - But?
- I can't explain it.
When Mr. Ericson came
up with this assistant
buyer thing, it just
sounded like a chance to,
like I said, be somebody.
- Okay, who put the
socks on my toaster?
- Oh great, are they done?
- Hey, have you got
any popcorn on you?
(audience laughing)
- Just in time, just
in time for the saga
of Barbara Royer.
Will she find happiness
(Hal humming)
as an assistant buyer?
Or will she destroy
her happiness
with Marcus Royer,
the town dentist.
Will they get to the root
canal of the problem?
- Hey, Jefferson, shut up.
- The end.
- So Marcus, what
do you think about this
assistant buyer thing, huh?
- Wait, wait, wait,
let's not make
a big deal out of it, okay?
It's just a chance
for a better job.
There must be this little voice
way back here someplace
telling me I'm nobody.
- Yeah, I got one of those too.
I call it my father.
(audience laughing)
- But what's all this
about being somebody?
You are somebody.
- Sure she is, to
you, not to herself.
Look, Marcus, people
have to find themselves.
- Yeah, I just want to be
more than a clerk in a store.
- Well, there is a problem.
Barbara being a woman.
I read about this
study that proved
women are smarter than horses,
but that horses are
dumber than sponges.
(audience laughing)
Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- So when do you take the test?
- Tomorrow.
I wanted to surprise
you, but I had
to bring this book
home to study.
- You know, I just
realized something,
I'm sitting here with
a pocket full of beans.
I'll see you guys later.
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
- You coming, Hal?
- Nah, I don't think so.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Never did find the
popcorn anyway.
- We don't have any.
- That explains it.
Are you coming, Eloise?
- Why are you guys
treating this thing
like it's a crisis and
then doing the we
better leave them alone bit?
I mean, we're talking
self realization here.
I mean, we're talkin'
Barbara's future...
- Eloise, if you don't come
here right now, we're talkin'
- [Both] we remove the towel.
- Bye.
- [Jeff] Adios.
- Look, Mark, let's
not make more of this
than it is, okay?
I love you, you love me,
our lives are terrific,
and I'm gonna pass
that test tomorrow.
- I don't doubt it,
but it bothers me
that all of a sudden
you think you're nobody.
There's nobody more
somebody than you.
It's that you feel
you're more my wife
than Barbara, isn't it?
- No.
It's not that.
I don't know what I think.
I'm only sure of one thing.
- What?
- I'm smarter than a sponge.
- What you do is
you take the blouse,
the shirt, whatever, you
button every second button,
and you fold it like that.
There you go.
- Let me see that again.
- (laughing) Right, I get to
do all the work that way huh?
Pay attention.
Uh, Alex, pay attention.
(door slams) You button every.
You flunked the test.
- I passed the test.
- Well, that's great!
Isn't it?
- They tested three of us, okay?
Harry, Linda and me.
I beat Harry by 50 points,
and I tied with Linda.
- That's terrific!
- Yeah, congratulations.
- Wrong.
I'm still a clerk, and
Linda got the job,
because she went to college.
She went to
college, and I didn't.
I didn't go to
college, and she did.
She got the job, and I didn't.
(audience laughing)
Do you have
something I could break?
- Yeah, darling, go
ahead, but be selective.
- Uh, it's not worth it.
It probably wouldn't even break,
because I didn't go to college.
(audience laughing)
- Aw, darling, I'm sorry.
I really, really am.
- Yeah, me too, Barb.
Being beaten out by a
woman's gotta be the worst.
(audience laughing)
- Well, go ahead
and say it, Mom.
- Say what?
- What you've said all along,
I should've gone to college.
I belong in college right now.
A time will come
when I will regret
not having gone to college.
- Darling, I'm not
going to apologize
for having been
more or less right.
- You weren't
more or less right.
You were absolutely right.
- Honey, I've learned
that college isn't
for everyone, but I
have always believed
it was right for you.
- I know that!
I not only missed my education,
I missed the dances, the
panty raids, the ballgames.
- Panty raids?
It's amazing we ever
made it to the moon.
- Mom, I'm good at figures.
I have a feel for business.
I would've been a good,
I would've been a
great assistant buyer.
- Oh darling, I'm sure
you would've been.
So lesson learned, come
on, go to college now.
- No!
Mom, I said no.
Everything stays the
same, do you hear me?
- Hard not to, you're shouting.
- I'm sorry, I guess I just
had to yell at somebody.
Look, Mark comes
first on this thing.
I am helping him get
through dental school,
and I don't want
anybody making him feel
that he's holding me back
from something I want to do.
Nobody, Mom.
That goes for you too, Alex.
- I'm just a 14-year-old
kid trying to survive.
(audience laughing)
- Hold still, okay?
(knocking)
Come in.
- Oh, hi.
- Oh, hi, Ms. Romano.
- Hi-oh.
- Beulah's down the hall.
She'll be right back.
- Oh, no problem.
I just came by to
drop off this bag.
She left it at my
place last night.
Why do you call her Beulah?
- Because she asked
me not to call her Babs.
May I look in your mouth?
- I beg your pardon?
- Give the poor slob
a break, Ms. Romano.
He's got a dental
exam coming up,
and he knows every
mouth in the building.
- Well, I have errands to run.
I'm not too thrilled
about this whole...
- Come on, please?
You're the only
virgin territory around.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, well, uh, if you insist.
- Please, come on.
- Yeah, okay.
- Sit right down there.
- All right, just a minute.
For a minute, okay?
- That's too bad about
Barb gettin' shot down
yesterday, isn't it?
- Oh, she told you.
- No, she told Eloise.
Same thing, though.
- Okay, open up, please.
- Oh, good.
Ms. Romano, I'm
glad you're here.
Do you know that your
daughter wants to disappear
as a human being while
she subverts herself to Mark?
Isn't that wrong?
Isn't it?
- Miss Romano, don't
listen to the talking towel.
Barbara and Mark
made a deal, right?
- A uh.
- This is real interesting,
Miss Romano.
Did you know that
you have a fat tongue?
- I do?
(audience laughing)
- Oh Mom, hi.
- Ah, Barbara, your
mother agrees with us.
- Uh I, I don't
agree with anything.
Honey, I just came here
to bring back your bag.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Look, Barbara,
why don't you work
and go to school at
the same time, right?
And Mark'll work
and go to school
at the same time, and
voila, two equal people
sharing an equal life together.
- Eloise, how's your boyfriend?
- I don't have one.
- I rest my case.
(audience laughing)
- Look, Barbara, do
you want to remain
little miss clerk while
we turn into educated
savoir faire types?
I mean, do ya?
Does she, Miss Romano?
I don't think that she does.
- Uh uh uh.
- Barb, do you wanna
go back to school?
- Well...
- Yes, she wants to.
See her eyes light up?
I knew it.
- Well, your teeth
are fine, Ms. Romano,
but I'm worried
about that fat tongue.
Do you ever have
trouble talking?
- No, Jeff.
- Not ever.
- Open up.
Rinse.
Thank you very much
for the use of your mouth.
Please pay the
nurse on the way out.
- Look, Mark and I decided...
- Oh, hey listen, do the
two of you have a contract?
I mean, did you sig an
oath in blood or something?
- Okay, Eloise, it's easy to say
Mark will work but doing what?
- What about his
T-shirt business?
He's neglected that.
He can start it up again.
- You know what I think?
I think I better
go home and take
my fat tongue outta
here before it gets
me in trouble, but may I say,
I like the way it's going.
- Bye, Mom, thank
you for bringing my bag.
- Bye, baby.
- Bye.
- Oho, hi.
- Uh oh, a visit
from the mother-in-law.
What mischief hath
thou wrought woman?
- (laughing) My
Lord Royer, thine wife
is about to make a
decision, and it behooveth me
to get the hell outta here.
Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye, Mom.
- You made a decision?
- Yeah, we think so.
- Oh, but Mom had
nothing to do with it.
- Nothing to do with what?
- Hungry?
- No.
- Um, Mark?
- Yeah?
- I'm gonna go back
to school, college,
with you and everybody,
and say something, quick.
- You know, I like it.
- Yeah?
- In fact, I
think it's terrific.
- Oh good.
- So when do you
think you'll start back?
- Now.
- Now?
- Before he finishes
dental school?
- Way to go, you just
destroyed a marriage.
- That's what my mom and
dad always used to tell me.
(audience laughing)
- Barb and Mark'll survive.
- It'll be rough.
- Hey, guys, it's gonna work.
Now, come on,
everybody outta here.
Come on, come
on, not you, silly.
Come on, come on.
- Bye-bye, silly.
- Yeah, right.
- It'll work.
Uh.
(audience applauding)
(alarm clock ringing)
- [Barbara Voiceover]
Sweetheart, I had to get
to the bookstore
before my first class.
I left you half a grapefruit,
a bowl of corn flakes
and all my love. (lips kissing)
P.S. there's no milk.
(audience laughing)
- [Mark Voiceover]
Honey, I may be up most
the night in the chem lab.
Here's $2 for the electric bill.
Hope you have the rest.
P.S. I picked up the milk.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
How are you?
- Oh, fine.
How's school?
- Okay.
You lost a little weight?
- Oh, no, no.
You look good.
- Oh, thanks.
Well, nice seeing ya.
- Yeah, wait, where
are you going?
- I have to deliver
these T-shirts.
- In a suit and tie?
- Yeah, the only
thing I had clean.
- Oh.
- I love you.
- Love you too.
- Bye, see you soon.
- Bye
Oh, Mark, I got
chicken for dinner.
- Oh, great.
Bye.
- Bye.
(audience laughing)
Honey, guess what?
- I remember you.
- Oh!
Honey, I got a B-plus
in economics 1A.
- Great, let's celebrate.
(audience laughing)
- Aren't you gonna talk to me?
- Sure, I love your
eyes, your face,
your teeth, your hair.
Now, let me help you
out of your clothes.
- Honey, no, no, the family's
coming over for dinner.
- When?
- Any minute.
- Uh.
What am I doing?
I'm exhausted.
For a moment there, I
thought I was aroused.
(audience laughing)
- Oh honey, look, I
know we haven't had
time for some things lately.
But it's not that bad.
How about next February?
- How come we have
people coming over?
Can't we just
turn out the lights
and pretend we're not here?
- Mark, you invited them.
- I did?
- Yes.
- [Mark] Well, you're
supposed to stop me
from doing dumb things.
What about food?
- It's in the oven.
- We don't have an oven.
- Eloise's oven.
She's making meatloaf for us,
and Jeff is making the salad.
Didn't you hear what I said?
- What?
- I got a B-plus
in economics 1A.
- Hey.
- If I could just ace that
English quiz next week.
- You're really enjoying
this, aren't you?
- Oh, I love it.
How about you?
- Uh, yeah, it seems
to be working out.
Hey, you sure we go
to the same school?
I never see you once
we hit the campus.
How about lunch tomorrow?
- Oh honey, I'd love
to, but I go straight
from my 11 o'clock
class to the store.
- I tell you what,
meet you right here
every night about midnight.
Try not to be wearing
anything complicated.
(knocking)
He's got a key to everything!
(audience laughing)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Wine for my hostess.
- Oh.
- Good stuff.
- Screw top.
- Yeah, well, they
were all out of pop top.
(audience laughing)
Where do you want
me to sit for dinner?
- Oh, sit anywhere.
Hold on a second.
They're here!
- [Eloise] Okay!
Jeff, they're here,
bring the salad!
- [Jeff] Okay!
- See, I'm up to
here in homework,
so I had the guys make dinner.
- I don't care who makes it.
I'm starved.
I haven't eaten any
food all day long.
My stomach has been
sending mail grams to my mouth.
(audience laughing)
- Honey, you do seem
a little disorganized.
You okay?
- Yeah, it must be
tough working and going
to school at the same time.
- Oh, it is tough,
but Alex, I love it.
- You want tough?
Try going without food for
seven hours and 32 inutes.
(audience laughing)
- If you guys could excuse me
for a few inutes,
I've gotta take
these T-shirts
down to a boutique
before they close tonight.
- Oh, you want me
to go with you to help?
- Uh no, if you want
to help, you can fold
those T-shirts right there.
Bye-bye.
- Okay, honey, wh... bye.
- (laughing) Check this out.
- The hills are alive
with the sound of music.
I don't get it.
- I guess it loses something
if it's not worn by a girl.
(laughing)
- Hey, that's okay.
Give me one of these
things, let me see.
- All right, all right.
- What does that say there?
- You're wasting your
time looking here, I'm a guy.
(laughing)
That's terrific.
See, what it means is that...
- I know what it means.
Honestly, if women
didn't have breasts,
you men would be speechless.
(audience laughing)
- Uh, when are we gonna eat?
- Schneider, the
food's on the way.
- From where, Buffalo?
By buffalo?
- Ah, honey, maybe you're
taking on too much, huh?
- No, Mom, no.
You were right when
you were badgering me
about going to college.
You were right when
you were hammering
at me to be an individual.
Do you remember what you
told me on my wedding day?
- Did I hammer or badger?
- No, you said if I wanted
to preserve my marriage,
I had to remember who I
was, or something like that.
- Tell me again how I was right.
I hear it so seldom.
- In any case, it's
working, thank you.
- There you go.
- A piece of toast,
a dog biscuit.
(knocking)
Some knockwurst.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, hi, everybody.
- Hi, Eloise.
- Hi, Eloise.
- Look, Barbara,
I made your meatloaf, okay?
I mean, I make a
really great meatloaf.
- God love you.
- I forgot to turn on the oven.
- God forgive you.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, Beulah, you know
that lettuce I thought I had?
It turned out to be
Brussels sprouts.
(audience laughing)
- Anybody for Brussels
sprouts tartare?
- Well, they don't
go with the wine,
but why don't you
serve 'em up anyway.
- I don't think we picked
a good night for this.
- I think you're right.
Eloise, Jeff, thanks a lot.
Honey, we'll grab a
bite on the way home.
- Mom, I'm really sorry.
- Oh come on, we've
survived bigger crises than this.
Thanks.
Uh, thanks for the
good thoughts, kids.
Bye, sweetheart.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Give Mark a kiss for me.
Schneider, if you're gonna cry,
would you do it in the car?
- They look like
cabbages for little kids.
(audience laughing)
- Hey, let's go.
- Bye, Barb, thanks.
- Bye, thank you.
- Goodbye.
- Hi, Barb.
- Hi.
- Does she know?
- We weren't gonna
tell her, mouth.
Now we have to.
She's gonna ask us
what we're talking about.
- What are you talking about?
- See?
- Dental school.
- Yeah, look, Barbara,
things are going so
good with you and Marcus,
well, we didn't want to
tell you that he flunked.
- Flunked, flunked what?
- One of his tests.
It's nothing important,
though, something about teeth.
(audience laughing)
- He didn't want
to tell you about it.
He's got this ah noble streak.
- Yeah, and I've got
this yellow streak.
I think I'll be going
before he gets back.
- Me too.
- Meatloaf, Brussels
sprouts, good news,
I think we've helped
you guys enough today.
See ya, Beul.
- How are your classes?
- Same old stuff.
- Not tonight, dear,
I have a headache.
- Tests okay?
- Tough.
- But okay?
- Why not?
Get your foot off my leg, woman.
Oh ho ho ho,
Barbara Royer, you are
an inflammatory person.
- Um hmm.
- Um hmm.
- Mm, that's better.
For a minute there, I
thought you were dead.
Mark, I'm quitting school.
No arguments, just
until you graduate.
- You know I flunked the test.
So you're quitting
school for me.
- Honey, we have
to do something.
- Barbara, look me
straight in the eye
and tell me that you
want to quit school.
- Okay, I don't
want to quit school
but wanting has
nothing to do with it.
- I don't accept
sacrifices well, so forget it.
You're not quitting school.
- Okay.
- Okay, just like that okay?
That's some solution!
- Well, Mark, you just
said forget quitting school.
- I know what I said,
but you could've argued
a little before you
agreed with me!
- Look, honey, you're
just getting touchy
because you're really tire...
- I'm touchy because
everything was going
just fine until you decided
to become Betty co-ed.
- That was cheap.
- Yeah, well, that's all
I can afford right now.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- I don't want
you to quit school.
- What's the problem?
- The problem is that
we're studying so hard
so that we can have
time to earn money
to pay for school,
where we're spending all
the time we don't
have to be together
because we're working so
hard, we don't have time to study!
- Easy for you to say.
(audience laughing)
Okay, so our lives are
falling apart, maybe.
What do you want to do about it?
- I knew you'd ask that.
- Okay, okay, first.
First, we have to think
about money, right?
- [Mark] Yeah.
- Okay, work.
Say I put in one extra hour
a day at the store, okay?
Say you put out 10
extra T-shirts a week.
- That's not...
- Now, wait a second
before you start
yelling at me again.
You put out 10 extra
T-shirts so you don't
have to take the
time to deliver them,
we have them come
over here and pick 'em up
and go maybe 3% off.
- Yeah, maybe.
- Yeah?
- I could hock my golf clubs.
- (gasps) I was forgetting!
We have $25 coming in.
- From what?
- Grandma, she
always gives Julie
and me $25 every Christmas.
- But don't you have
to buy her something?
- Okay, we'll subtract $5.
- We can cut out all frills.
- Yeah.
- We don't buy lunches.
We skip all movies.
And at dinner time,
we visit your mother.
- Yeah, right.
Oh, I could always let out
some of Mom's old dresses.
- I'm not wearing your
mom's old dresses.
(audience laughing)
- I could always do
somebody's laundry.
- What about sex?
- No, just their laundry.
(audience laughing)
- Honey, I think we're
kidding ourselves.
It can't be done.
- If it can't be done,
how come so many
other kids our age are doing it?
- You're not quitting school.
- And you're not flunking out.
- So what are we gonna do?
- Ugh.
- What was that?
- American literature.
I'll take it next semester
so we can have
more time together.
- Periodontics,
let their gums rot.
I just want to spend
some time with you.
I'll pick it up next summer.
Oh my God.
- What?
- What's that?
- It's a rose.
(audience laughing)
I got it for you on Monday,
but I didn't have
time to give it to you.
- That's sweet.
Come here.
(laughing)
(audience applauding)
(upbeat music)
(electronic music)