One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 7, Episode 3 - Shake Hands - full transcript

Ann's business is in trouble and Francine Webber offers to be her partner. Ann is skeptical until she works her magic with a client.

♪ This is it, This is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ This is it, This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here, enjoy the view

♪ And keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight,
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, One day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, Up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, One day at a time

♪ One day at a time, da da da da

♪ One day at a
time, One day at a time

♪ One day at a time, da da da da

♪ One day at a time

- Thank you, so much
for coming in, bye bye.


Bob, how many
more are out there?

- Three artists and
a process server.


- Something about taking
the copier machine back.

- Oh terrific, that's
just what I need.

- Well don't
worry, I'll stall 'em.

- Bob, thank you for
giving up your day.

- That's okay, I only had
morning classes anyway.

Besides, I had
nothing big planned.

It's my dog's birthday,
but that's tonight.


Hey, Ms. Romano, I forgot
to tell you who just came in.

- A U.S. Marshall; I'm
going to debtor's prison.


- No, a woman, and
I mean a woman.

Her name's Francine Webster.

- Francine Webster?

- Yeah, and she looks terrific.

- She would.


I wonder what she's doing here.

(scoffs) She's probably
the vulture in charge of

dying ad agencies.

Okay, okay, Bob show her in.

No, Bob, wait a minute.

Just uh, just wait a minute.


Oh, glad you like it, Sam.

Yeah, the ads are
all placed, that's right.

$100,000 for the first quarter.

Yeah, oh, love you too, Sam.

(kissing) Bye.


Well, well, look who it
is, for goodness sake.

- Ann, hello.

Was that for my benefit,
or was there really a Sam

on the other end of the phone?

(chuckles nervously)

- Ms. Romano doesn't play games.

- Oh, that's true.

- But I'm not against 'em.


- Oh, God, if I only hadn't
been through my football

hero period we could make
some long passes together.

Well, Ann, I see that
you haven't changed.

Oh, a couple of extra pounds,
but you certainly haven't

grown an inch.


- Thank you, Francine.

What brings you here
besides your broomstick?


- Ha, ha, broomstick!

That's a good one.

It's old, but it's good.

I think I'll go
rearrange the artists.

- Well, I just can't believe it.

- Can't believe what?

- You; I'll never
forget when we met

at Conners and Davenport,
there you were, a scared,

wimpy, insecure little farm
girl, carrying her three-ring

notebook and her
divorce papers out into

the cold world of business.

- Did I have my little
dog, Toto, with me?


- And look at you now.

Here you are.

Head of your own
tiny, little agency.

- Francine, this is
really very fascinating...

- Well, I have some
wonderful news for you.

- Oh, do you have to leave?


- Ann, you and I are
going to be partners.


No, now try to control yourself.

I realize this is the
chance of a lifetime for you.


- You and I partners!

Francine, you
are really bizarre!

- Now, I realize that we've
had our little differences

in the past... - Differences?

Francine, let me try to couch
this in the most diplomatic

of terms: I don't like you.


- Well, we would
need larger quarters.

- China wouldn't be
large enough for us.


- My desk can go right here.
- You're not listening.

- Oh yes, I heard every word.

I also heard through the
grapevine that you are desperately

looking for a new partner.

Here I am.

- Francine, Conners and
Davenport finally canned you,

didn't they?

- Where did you hear that?

They would have
killed to keep me.

- Ah, just as I thought.

- I walked out of there
on my own accord.

A woman can only get
so far working for men.

- No way, Francine.

There is no possible way
that we could work together.

- But we did at
Conners and Davenport.

Okay, so we fought, but
well, every account they

put us on made money.

Oh Ann, you're as
creative as hell, and well,

I can sell anything.

I mean, with your ads
and my charm, charisma,

and exquisite social graces...

- Not to mention humility.

- Yes, that too.

- Uh, the artists are
getting restless out there.

I'm afraid they might
start cutting their ears off.

- Hey Bob, Francine
was just leaving.

- Well, think it over Ann.

- Okay, thought it
over, answer's no.


- I'll be getting back to you.

- Not necessary.

- How about me?

I'm in the Yellow Pages.


- Under what?

- Tuba lessons.


- That's the first place
I would have looked.

- B-Bob.

- I still can't get over
Francine showing up.

- I couldn't believe it, either.

- What nerve, wanting
to be your partner.

- Hey, my old bookcase
looks good in Alex's room.

Course, it makes the
room look even smaller.

- How small is it, Bob?

- Well Alex, it's so small
the only books you can

put in that bookcase are
Little Women, Tom Thumb,

The Seven Dwarves.


- What happened to Snow White?

- What happened to Snow
White (chuckles) well...

- The room was so small,
she had to step outside

to change her mind. (laughs)

- That was my line.

Step out was my line.

- You guys are either
ready for Vegas, or bed.

- Well, one of them
better be ready

for a spelling test tomorrow.

- I'm ready, I'm ready.

- Okay, give me
the list, I'll test you.

- Okay, if you can pronounce
these words, I can spell them.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.

- Enunciate.

- Ah... (laughter)

Moving right along
to the next one.

- Uh, Alex.
- Okay, okay.

- [Barbara] Enunciate.
- Enunciate.


- Darn close.

- Right on the button.

- Can't get any
closer than that.


(doorbell rings)

- Oh Ann, you were
absolutely right.

- What?
- About friendship.

Driving back from your
office, I realized that what you

were saying was why can't
we be both partners and friends.

Have a box of jelly doughnuts.

Hello. (laughter)

Oh, Julie, how pretty you look.

- I'm Barbara.

- Yes, of course you are.

Well, who is this
handsome gentleman?

- I'm Alex.

- My, what a strong grip.

- Yeah? (laughter)

- Francine, jelly doughnuts
not withstanding, I certainly

wish you would learn to
use the phone and call first.

- Now what would you have said?

- She would have said
that this is not a good time

to just drop in.

- I think it was
the perfect time.


- Bob, don't you have to go
and pick up a Ken-L Ration cake

for your dog?

- Ken-L Ration cake?

- Birthday?
- Oh.

See you later.

- Oh, I hope so.

- Say good night, Gracie.


- Barbara dear, I realize
that your mother and I have

not always been the best
of friends; now I don't know

whose fault that was...
- I do.

- (nervous laugh) Well,
people change, you see.

I have changed.

I think I was always
envious of your mother.

- Francine, you
were envious of me?

You're not seriously
going to stand there

and tell me that, are you?

- Oh, thank you; let me
sit down and say that Ann,

what you see before
you is a facade, a front.

I realize that I'm sometimes
loud and aggressive...

- Right.

- But that's because
I'm overcompensating.

I don't have your
confidence and serenity.

- (clears throat) Yes, well,
now that you mention it,

Francine, I've always
admired you, too, really I have.

I've never known anyone
who could dish out a bigger

crock of bull than you.


(phone rings)
- Hello.

Yeah, okay, just
hold on a second.

It's a Gilbert Reed.

- Okay, thanks.

Hello, Ann Romano.

Yes, oh, you saw the ad.

Uh-huh, we are a
full-service agency, that's right.

Lunch tomorrow would be fine.

Rainbow Room at 12:30.

Yeah, you've got it.

Well, see you then, Mr. Reed.

Bye bye.

(squeals) Oh, Barbara,
that's the one good account

I was talking a...

I'm not sure I'm
interested, though.

You know, uh, because my
client list is so very, very full.

He's just a company that
is coming into Indianapolis,

and they're talking to
quite a few agencies.

- Of course, but if you'd
like some help with this, Ann,

if there's anything I can do...

- Oh, no, no, Francine,
there's absolutely nothing

you can do, bye bye.

(door closes)

- Surely there must
be something I can do.



(indistinct chatter)

(silverware clinking)

- Mr. Reed, this
roast beef is delicious.

Would you like to taste some?

- No, thank you.

- Mmm, it's delicious.

Cuts like butter.

- I'm a vegetarian.

- Oh, well, uh, I've
considered that from,

from time to time.

You know, radio has
become a very efficient buy...

- You know, I haven't
ordered meat in over 20 years.

I don't believe in it.

- Well, I uh, I
certainly respect that.

I mean, I try not to think
of the fact that this was,

once a cow.

- My smoking bother you?

- No, no, no, not at all.

But I find it fascinating,
though, that you have the

willpower to be a
vegetarian, and yet you still

smoke cigarettes.

Not that you couldn't
stop if you wanted to.

(laughs nervously)

You could probably
quit anytime you wanted.

- No, I can't.


- Ah ha, well, we've probably
covered enough ground

for two Reader's Digest
articles right here. (laughing)

There are 15 FM and 8 AM
stations in the Indianapolis area...

- Yes, I know.

I was stationed
here during the war.

- Oh, really.

You know, I was, oh let's
see, about three years old

by the time the second
world war came to an...

- This was the Korean War.

- Of course the
Korean, but of course.

I mean, you're much too
young to have been in the,

wasn't Ike a
wonderful president?

- I was a Stevenson man, myself.

- Would you care for coffee now?

- You first.

- Black with two sugars, please.

- Nothing for me, thank you.

Mr. Reed, perhaps I
ought to tell you something

about my agency.

You see, my
philosophy is to keep...

- Ann!

Ann, my goodness, do you
believe how we keep bumping

into each other like this!

- I'm gonna kill her.

- Oh, here we haven't
seen each other in ages,

and suddenly we're just
deja vuing it all over town.

Oh, well, this is
really delightful.

I can't stand to
dine alone, can you?

- No, waiter, bring another
chair over here, please.

- Oh Francine, we'd love
to have you join us, but see,

we're just about finished...

- Well, I have never understood
why we Americans hurry

so through our meals,
have you, Mr. Um?

- Reed, Gilbert Reed.

My friends call me Gillie.

- Oh, Francine Webster.

I'd hate to tell you
what my friends call me.

- Oh, ho, ho!


- Well, what did you
have to eat, Gillie?

- Uh, Gillie had
the vegetable salad.

- Perfect.

I can't stand anything
fatty, like meat.

- What are you having, Ann?


- Fatty roast beef.

- The young lady will have
the vegetable salad, please.

- Very good.

- Do you happen to know
who you're sitting with,

Mr. Gilbert Reed?

- Well, I know she wasn't
in the Korean War. (laughs)

- That's very funny.

Uh, Gillie, could you put
out the smoke signals?

The war is over now.


- Smoke signals?

The war is over. (laughs)

- Over. (laughs)

- Ann and I used
to work together.

- Well, she was
just about to tell me

her business philosophy.

- Why don't we go
back to my office...

- No, I'm sorry, I just
don't have the time.

But to speed things up,
why don't you just let me

ask you a couple of questions?

- Sure.

- How many people
in your agency?

- People?

Um, well, as a matter of
fact, we're right in the midst

of hiring...

- Oh, tell him the truth, Ann.
- Why?

- Gillie, the truth is, when
you join Ann's agency,

you don't get a junior
copywriter fresh out of school,

or some Madison
Avenue flash-in-the-pan.

No, you get Ann Romano, and
that means good, solid thinking

with a track record
that's second to none.

Why, she's got a closet
full of creative awards,

but her business philosophy
translates into two words:

increased sales.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Ann, you were saying?


- That's okay.

- That's very nice to hear,
but every agency in town

claims to be creative.

Why should I pick Ann Romano?

- Well that's a
very good question.

- But not the real
question, is it, Ann?

- Well, I-I...

- The real question you see, is

why should Ann Romano
take your account?

I will tell you this much, before
she would even consider it

she would have to really
believe in your product.

I've known her to turn down,
oh, any number of accounts

because she just didn't
think they measured up

in the marketplace.

- Well hold on now, I
make a very good product.

- Well, that's what we should
be hearing about before

we even, before Ann decides
whether or not she would be

willing to help, by the way,
Gillie, that is an lovely tie.

- Lovely tie.

- Ann, why don't you sit
back, relax, and let Gillie

tell you about the size of
his budget and try to sell you

on handling his account.

Oh, a sparkling water
with lime, please.



- What we're talking
about here is a quality...

- Full house.

You now owe me $2,000 a piece.


- Will you take a check?


- Hi.

- [All] Hi.
- Hi mom, how was lunch?

- I don't know.

- You didn't get
the account, huh?

- Eh, no, I got the account.

- Terrific!

- Or rather, Francine
got the account.

- Francine?

- Yeah, you should
have seen her.

She was terrific.

I was sitting there hemming
and hawing, and she came

into that restaurant and sold
him on my agency (snaps)

like that.

- Well congratulations,
that's the one good account

you've been looking for.

Sounds like you and
Francine make quite a team.

- Nnn, don't say that, Bob.

- She cannot work with Francine.

- (sighs) What a dilemma.

That Gilbert Reed and I,
we disagreed on everything.

We wouldn't last five
minutes without Francine.

You should have seen her
operate; he was like putty

in her hands.

What a break for the putty.


- Mom, I'd love to see
you have this account,

but you and Francine
wouldn't last five minutes.

You'd strangle each other.
- Yep.

- Well it never hurts to
have a pretty face around.

(audience oohs, laughs)

Let me put it a different way.

I'm pretty good at spelling,
but I'm better at math,

and if you owe two months
back rent, and they're shutting

off your phone and
taking your furniture away...

- (sighs) Furniture,
phone, Francine.


(knock at door)

- Hello, hello.

- Uh, yeah,
Francine, come on in.

- Oh Ann, darling, it
was so nice of you to call.

Somehow this place seems bigger.


And emptier.

- Yeah, well, I just
decided to get rid of

some old furniture.

- Oh good, it was really

- Depressing? I didn't think so.

- Oh yes, you need
something with a little flash,

a little sizzle.

- Well, that's you,
alright, all flash and sizzle.

I'm sorry, Francine,
that's reflex.

Why don't you pull up
the chair and sit down.

Francine, do you
accept compliments?

- Oh, try me.

- Okay, you were
terrific yesterday.

I was falling flat on my
face until you came in

and wrapped up old Gillie.

- Well listen, it was not easy

finishing that vegetable salad.


- I'm willing to consider some
sort of business arrangement.

I would do the creative
work, you would do the selling,

we would split 75/25.

- Oh, I wouldn't think of it.

You deserve at least 30%.


- That's cute.

Come on, Francine, you
are talking to a woman with a

closet full of creative awards.

- And you're talking to the
woman who put them there.


- Touche. Okay, 60/40.

You know it's the
ads that really count.

- And you know that without
the accounts, there are

no ads to create.

50/50 Ann.

- Francine, let's
be realistic, okay?

I am sitting here with an
existing agency that has

(clears throat) not to
mention a brand new account.

- Which I control,
and you know it.

- Okay, 50/50, I'll
type up the agreement.

- Oh Ann, dear, there's no
need for anything on paper

between us.

- (laughing) Oh yes there is.


- Then why don't you
see how this reads.

- Ann Romano agrees to
take in Francine Webster as an

equal partner in her agency,
everything to be shared

on a 50/50 basis.

I didn't have a chance, did I?

- Not in heavy negotiation.

Well, while you sign that,
I will simply open up this

little split of the
bubbly I bought.

- You think of
everything, don't you?

- I do try. (laughter)

- Thank you.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- Oh, after all these
years, my own agency.


- Our own agency.

- Of course.
- Of course.

You know, Francine, there
is one teeny, tiny little thing

I probably should
have mentioned.

- What's that?

- Well, I don't quite
know how to put this.

- Ann, you can tell me anything.

I'm your partner.

- Yeah, well, partner, our
agency is in the hole $2,426,

but since we split
everything on a 50/50 basis,

you only owe $1,213.

- You're kidding.

You're not kidding.

Of all the rotten...

How dare you allow me
to sign that without tell me

you're in financial difficulty.

- Oh come on, Francine, it
is peanuts compared to what

we'll be making
on Gillie's account.

The way he was talking,
they're willing to spend a fortune

in this market.

We'll be out of
the hole in no time.

- No, we won't.

- (laughing) Sure we will.

We won't?

- No.
- Why?

- Well, because there
is no new account.

There never was.

Gillie is not from out of
town, he's my cousin Gilbert

who is an out-of-work
key punch operator.

(audience woos)

- You're saying to me that
this whole thing was a setup?

The phone call, the
restaurant, the Korean War,

the vegetable salad.

- Not the vegetable
salad, he is a vegetarian.

- Of all the low-down,
miserable, scheming, conniving,

you haven't changed one
iota from that sneaky, skinny

rat you were at
Conners and Davenport.

- I have too changed.

Now I owe $1,200 bucks.


- I must have a screw
loose to have signed a paper

with a woman who has absolutely
no principles, no scruples,

and no accounts!

- Now just a second, shorty.

- You stay away from me.

- From the second I came
through that door, I could smell

I was on a sinking ship.

What I didn't know
was it had already sunk.

You probably haven't even
paid your rent in three months.

- Two.

- But do you see me having
a nervous breakdown?

Nope, because I happen
to know that we would still

be great together.

And I would have thought
that you were smart enough

to see that.

- I did see it, damn it.

Francine, if that were a
real client at lunch yesterday

I have no doubt we would
have gotten the account,

but there is more to business
than acquiring accounts.

How can you work with
somebody you don't trust?

I'd be afraid to
take a coffee break.

I might be sold down
the river by the time

my Sweet'N Low dissolved.


I can't, I just, I can't.

There is no...

(sighs) Francine
what would it take

to break this agreement?

(tears paper)
- Just this.

I want you to enjoy
your coffee breaks.

- What?

- A 90-day free trial,
no strings attached.

If it doesn't work,
it doesn't work.


- (sighs) I'll be
watching you, Webster.

- Well that's what
partners are for, Romano.