One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 7, Episode 24 - Hear Today, Gone Tomorrow - full transcript
♪ This is it this is it
♪ This is life the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time one day at a time
♪ One day at a time ba da da da
♪ One day at a
time one day at a time
♪ One day at a time ba da da da
♪ One day at a time
(groaning)
- Barbara, Schneider's not
gonna get back any faster
with you looking out the window.
- I'm starving, where did
he go for that pizza? Italy?
(door bell ringing)
Oh, at last.
- Mind if I play through?
- Oh, it's you.
- Well isn't that sweet.
She's already beginning
to treat me like a husband.
- No, I'm sorry, Schneider
left for pizza three days ago
and hasn't been
heard from since.
- Make that an
hour and a half ago.
- Have you hugged
your dentist today?
- No, I haven't.
- Mark, what's
with the golf clubs?
- Oh, they're for Barbara.
The family that plays
together, stays together.
- I think I'm marrying
a bumper sticker.
- Here is your pizza
with hot pepperoni.
- Oh just cut the
bologna, you're late.
- What do you mean I'm late?
7:30 and I am now looking
at my stainless-steel,
clinographic, beer-proof
watch, and it says
7:32.
- Well we said 6:30.
- You said 7:30.
- Who cares?
- I care, I can give you
the entire conversation,
verb for batim, 7:30.
- Schneider it's not
important, but we did say 6:30.
- Barbara's sneaking all
the pepperoni of the pizza,
and she won't give me any.
- 7:30 - 6:30 - Oo,
do I smell the pizza?
- Yes, you smell pizza, but
you don't smell anchovies
cause Schneider forget 'em.
- I didn't forget 'em, you
didn't ask for anchovies.
- It doesn't make any
difference, but yes, I did.
- You did not, I would have
remembered, I hate anchovies.
- Well, maybe that's
why you forgot 'em.
- Wait a second, wait
just a second here.
Alright, first you
start out 6:30, 7:30,
and now you giving me
the stuff about the anchovies.
I mean what it is
supposed to look like,
I got room for rent?
- It's not a crime to
forget a couple of things.
- Yeah, it happens
to me all the time.
Ask, um, what's her name here.
- Well I'll see you later.
- [Alex] Oh you going Schneider?
- Yeah, I'm
expecting a phone call
from Beer Belly and the guys.
- Oh, what about tomorrow?
- What about tomorrow?
- You said you were gonna
show me how to tie trap flies
for our fishing trip Saturday.
- Right, we'll do it
tomorrow morning.
Tomorrow morning
I'll bring all my stuff up.
- Okay, see you
tomorrow Schneider.
- Okay kid.
Before I go I would like
to make an announcement.
You said 7:30 and
nobody said anchovies.
Goodnight, so long, goodbye.
- I'm worried about him.
- Me too, if he's not careful,
he's gonna stubborn
himself to death.
- No really, I mean lately
something has been on his mind.
I mean, you know
just as well as I do
that Beer Belly
is not gonna call,
he just wanted
to get out of here.
- Yeah, I heard you say 6:30,
and I heard Barbara
say anchovies.
Maybe he's got brain
fever or something
from living so close
to the boiler room.
- I think something's wrong.
- Well, maybe, but it
is none of our business.
- Mom, wait a
second, don't you care?
Schneider's practically
part of the family.
- Yeah, well, if there's
something wrong,
I'm sure that Schneider
will let us know.
Meanwhile, there's something
wrong right here in this room.
- What?
- Well Schneider took a
piece of pizza, and I had one,
Mark one, you had one.
Somebody here has four pieces.
- I only have one piece.
(chuckling)
- I knew you were gonna miss it.
The carpet breaks
towards City Hall.
- Listen, my game's improving,
last two balls ended
up in the bathroom.
- Yeah, just stay out
of the water hazard.
Where's the kid?
- Oh, he'll be out in a minute,
and my grandma's coming over,
so let's talk while
we have the chance.
- Okay, what do you
want to talk about?
- Oh, I don't know,
you know maybe like,
how we've known each
other for seven years,
and how you're practically
like a father to me,
and we've never really
discussed my problems
and your problems,
and what's bothering me,
and what's bothering you.
- Okay, what's bothering you?
- Nothing.
That's enough about
me, what's bothering you?
- Uh Barbara, I'm the one
with all the fishing equipment,
but you're doing all the
fishing, now what's up?
- Hi.
- Hi Grandma.
- Hey, what are you two up to?
- Oh nothing,
we're just talking.
I think something's
bothering Schneider.
- Oh hey, well good, what is it?
Money, women, sex.
- Nothing is bothering
Schneider, Schneider is fine.
- Oh, you're no fun.
Honey, what did your
mother do with my big broiler?
I'm having people
for dinner tonight.
- Oh really, I thought
you were vegetarian?
It's in there.
Schneider, look,
we all love you right?
So if there's ever anything,
anything at all on your mind,
I want you to let us know.
- (laughing) There is
nothing on my mind.
There's never
anything on my mind.
- Okay, I'm sorry, I'll
stop bothering you.
- This is mine, this
is mine, this is mine.
I'm gonna move here
so I can be near my stuff.
(teapot whistling)
This is mine.
Schneider will
you get the kettle?
(subdued teapot whistling)
(teapot whistling)
Schneider?
- Yeah, what, what's up
kid, what do you want?
- You don't hear
the kettle do you?
- Yeah, I hear the kettle, why?
- Hey, no wonder Barbara said
you had something on your mind.
- Well I do, I'm very busy.
- You know, when you
start losing your hearing
sometimes other people
notice the problem before you do.
- I am not losing my
hearing, I got 20/20 ears.
- How can you be sure?
- (laughing) How can I be sure?
What do you think
these are rentals?
- Hey Barbara, I know
what's bothering Schneider,
he has hearing problem.
- You're kidding.
- I do not have a
hearing problem.
Everything I have works
perfectly, ask around.
- When was the last time
you had your hearing checked?
- What difference does it make?
I'm not gonna give my good,
hard-earned money to some doctor
so he can go out and
invest in condominiums.
- Just listen to me, if
you have a bad appendix,
you do something about it.
And if you start
losing your hearing,
first, you have to admit it,
then you do something about it.
- Schneider come on
now, listen to Grandma.
You know 15 years
ago, she was so sure
she was gonna lose her hearing,
she learned sign language.
- And then I had an
operation on my ears...
- Girls, girls, let me explain
something to you okay.
You do not take a perfect
automobile in for an overhaul
just because some bird
diddled on the windshield.
- I've heard this kind
of stupidity before.
Dwayne, there is
a Dr. William Restin
in the Riverside
Medical Building.
I want you to call him.
He's one of the
best in the business.
He helped me.
- Dr. William Restin?
- Right.
- I'll give him a call.
- Good.
- When I need him.
- That means that you
are a stupid jackass.
- And that means...
- I know what that means.
- Schneider, you know you
really better listen to Grandma
while you still can.
- Hey Schneider,
what are you doing?
- I'm fighting for my life.
Sit down over here.
- Oh great, you
brought the stuff.
- Yeah, these are all my flies.
Let me tell you something see.
The thing is, when you
wanna start making flies right,
you gotta experiment.
I mean, you gotta
take all the stuff in here,
and you gotta make some
flies that you really think
are gonna hook
the fish right, okay.
- Schneider where's the hook?
- (laughing) The book, I
haven't had time to sit down
and write the book.
- No Schneider, I didn't
say book, I said hook.
- What are you
trying to do, test me?
- No, I guess you
just didn't hear me.
- What do you mean
I didn't hear you?
What, have you
been in the other room
talking to that blabber mouth?
- What blabber mouth?
- You were in there
talking to Barbara,
and then you come out here,
and you start making
these dumb accusations.
- Schneider, I didn't
say a word to Barbara.
- I know you what you
people are up to you know.
I know what you're trying to do.
- Schneider, what
are you talking about?
- I'm talking about you,
and I'm talking about her,
and I'm talking about Grandma.
You people think
you know everything.
I'm telling you something
man, it's character assassination,
it's personality deprivation.
You're all trying to make
me think I'm going deaf.
- Deaf? Is that what it is?
I thought you were going nuts.
- Hi there Ms. Romano.
- Hello Schneider.
- Listen is Alex around?
I had a a little run in
with him this morning.
- Yeah, I know I
heard, he understands.
- Well, you know a man is
supposed to yell at traffic,
not at kids.
I got him a little
present, 10 flies.
- Oh thank you Schneider,
we have plenty of flies.
We are a little low
on ants though.
(laughing)
Schneider look, Barbara told me
about Grandma
and the tea kettle.
I think we all
understand the problem.
- Listen, why don't you
just give him the present...
- Schneider, don't
run away from it.
Please, see an ear doctor.
- Um, I really got to go,
Beer Belly never called.
- Bull, Schneider, sit!
You can't keep
running like this.
You're running, you're hiding,
you're blowing up at kids.
That's not like you right?
Schneider, now you are
like a member of this family,
so for our sake,
please see a doctor.
- Ms. Romano, I did see
a doctor this afternoon.
- You did, that's
terrific, what did he say?
- Well he said I'm going deaf.
- You're going deaf.
- Yeah, I just said that.
Maybe better have
your ears checked.
- Schneider, what
exactly did the doctor say?
- The hell are you
yelling at me for?
- Sorry, what exactly
did the doctor say?
- What?
- What did the doctor say?
- Oh well, what he said was,
you know, there's a
certain kind of hearing loss
which kinda sneaks up
on you over the years,
and has something to do with
the inside of the
ear, the bones.
- Which ear?
- Well, it's this ear,
and this ear,
mostly it's this ear.
- Well Schneider,
look at my mother,
her hearing is terrific.
Now I'll bet the doctors
can do something.
- Oh yeah, they gave me
a couple of terrific options.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, the first
one is a hearing aid.
And I'm telling you
something right now,
I am not running around
with a plastic lima bean
growing out of my ear.
- It's no worse than
wearing a pair of glasses,
I don't under...
Okay, okay, what's
the second choice?
- The knife.
Go in a hospital,
they cut my ear open,
they put a piece of wire
in there, and they just hope
that I pick up something
besides police calls.
- Well them's the choices
kid, which one you taking?
- Number three, I'm just
gonna smile at people a lot,
I'm gonna look wise,
I'm gonna read lips.
- But you don't have to do that,
the operation
worked for my mother.
- There's even a 1% chance that
I'll lose the hearing
I have in this ear.
They cannot guarantee
you a thing those people.
- For heaven's sake
Schneider, in your life
how many sure things are there
besides Boom Boom Barofski?
- Ms. Romano, would you
be willing to take that risk?
Just consider this, never again
to hear the honk of a goose
as it lives the frigid
north heading south.
Never again to
hear the plunk plunk
when you pick up the 7-10 split.
Never again to hear the soft
murmur of a feminine voice
sighing, "Thank
you Mr. Wonderful."
- Get another opinion.
- Well others say
sometimes Mr. Terrific.
- And if the second
doctor agrees with the first,
consider an operation.
- I will cause I'm
gonna have it.
I'm gonna go ahead and
I'm gonna have the operation.
- That doesn't
sound like you are.
- Well it's just
that I also have,
I have a little hernia,
and I thought I may have them
both done at the same time.
- Right, sure, soon as you find
a good eye, ear,
nose, and hernia man.
- Hi everybody, I
just went shopping.
What's a matter, what's wrong?
- Oh Schneider
went to the doctor
and found out that he was...
- Going deaf.
- Oh Schneider, I'm so sorry.
I'm sure they can do something.
I say Schneider, I'm sorry.
I know they can
work something out.
- Excuse me now I (clears
throat) have to go to work.
Excuse me I have to go to work!
- Hi ya Schneider.
- Barbara.
- Schneider.
- Barbara.
Sometimes in the
panorama of this life,
a man occasionally looks
into the peephole of his spirit.
And he sees something about
himself which makes him sorry
that he looked into the
peephole in the first place.
- Okay.
- What I'm trying to say I
guess is that I came up here
to apologize to everybody
for, you know, jumping all over...
- Oh Schneider please,
don't worry about it.
We all understand, it's
a very rough decision.
- Oh you mean
about the operation.
That's not really no big deal.
I think perhaps
someday I'll maybe,
you know, have it done sure.
- Perhaps? Probably? Maybe?
- Well I'm scheduled
in for August.
I'm going in there in August,
and they're gonna do it.
Of course if I have
a cold I can't go in.
They don't want to touch
you if you have a cold.
- Hi Grandma.
- Hi honey, Schneider, you
are the customer I'm looking for.
Boy, have I got wonderful
news about the operation.
- Look Kath, I'd really
love to talk to you about it,
but I got to get downstairs
and feed Mrs.
Bradshaw's piranha.
They really get
nasty if you're late.
- Schneider don't worry
about it, I already fed them.
- Come on I want to talk to you,
I want to talk to you Schneider.
Listen, I just happened
to run in to Dr. Restin.
- Where, at the bank?
- In his office.
- What a lucky coincidence.
- And listen, he can take you
next Wednesday
morning at 7:00 a.m.
- Achoo!
I think I'm getting
the Asian flu.
- Sounds more
like the chicken flu.
Be at the hospital admissions
desk, 4:30 Tuesday afternoon.
Bring your Blue Cross
card and your toothbrush.
- And a nice, clean
pair of jammies.
- You really have a
sadistic streak don't you?
- Listen, be good
or I'll cancel the TV
I ordered for your room.
- Oh come one now
Katherine, you can't do this.
You can't drag
somebody in off the street,
and start cutting 'em up,
that's illegal seek and surgery.
- Look you have to confirm.
It's your decision, you
have to call the doctor.
Dwayne, I'm not
pushing you, here.
Oh come on, come on Dwayne.
Listen, wouldn't
you love to hear the
pitter patter of the
rain on the roof again?
Or maybe a symphony that
includes the flutes and the fifes.
- What?
- See you didn't hear me.
- I heard you, what
the hell is a fife?
Katherine I would
love to do it, but I can't.
Wednesday's a bad day,
I've got a lodge meeting.
- Schneider, a lodge meeting?
- Well, it's a very
important lodge meeting.
It's our annual
candlelight procession
in Marilyn Chambers'
film festival.
- Hi everybody.
- Oh hi.
- Dwayne, listen I can
understand why you're afraid.
- Schneider, afraid? (laughing)
He doesn't know the meaning
of the word, right Schneider?
(laughing)
- Alex, we're talking about
Schneider's operation.
- Oh yeah, the ER operation.
What's an operation to him?
Did you ever hear
about the time in Korea
he took the shrapnel out of
his own leg with a fountain pen.
- You're gonna
have to tell us about it
over dinner sometime Schneider.
- Hey Schneider we're
going fishing in the morning,
we better get down
to the tackle shop.
- Yeah, we better
get down there, yep.
- But Schneider...
- Katherine, I promise
ya, I'll think about it
over the weekend
really, I really will.
- Now make a straight line
with your feet to the cup,
and overlap your little finger.
Now just let the weight
of the club swing through.
Oo, pretty good.
Any questions?
- Yeah, what do I wear?
- Wear anything, wear blue.
- Blue?
- Blue.
- Blue on a green?
- So wear red.
- Red?
- What difference does it make,
you want to play a round or not?
- Oh well, now you're
talking, forget golf.
- Hey you guys, would
you tell me if I'm in the way
because I'd be
very... (laughing)
Hey it's about time you got
back, dinner's almost ready.
- Sorry we would have
been back a lot sooner
if it wasn't for that
dumb ambulance.
(clears throat)
- An ambulance?
- It was nothing.
I think I'm gonna pack
my things for the trip.
- Hold it, what
about an ambulance?
- Oh it was nothing Ms. Romano,
just one of the inconveniences
of living in the big city.
- I know all about the big city,
tell me about the ambulance.
- Well it was just a very
little itty-bitty ambulance.
- Yeah, I think it was a Honda.
- See we were going
through this intersection,
and all of a sudden
out of nowhere
here comes this ambulance.
Well, thanks to my good
reflexes, I swerved out of the way,
I slammed on the breaks, and
we stopped, what, in 30 feet.
- Yeah, would have
stopped in 20 feet
if the guy just hadn't
finished watering his lawn.
- Schneider, how can
you miss an ambulance?
Didn't you hear the siren?
- Yeah.
- No.
- Look it, nobody got hurt, it
could of happened to anybody,
and so anyway that's that.
Come on, now you
gotta get a bite to eat
and you gotta go to
bed, we get up at 3:30.
- Right.
- It couldn't have
happened to just anybody.
It happened to you Schneider
because of your hearing problem.
I'm sorry I can't let Alex
ride in a car with you.
- What?
- I am sorry.
- Ms. Romano the window's
were up, the music was on.
- Well great, back to
fly casting in the alley.
You know you
wouldn't want to eat
some of the things
I've caught in there.
- You both could
have been killed.
- Ms. Romano,
what are you saying?
You're not gonna
let Alex drive with me
because you don't trust me.
- Schneider I'm sorry, but
you almost had an accident,
and I feel terrible about this.
- You feel terrible about this?
- Look, if it happened
once, it could happen again,
and next time you
may not be so lucky.
Schneider, if you can't hear
a siren, or a whistle, or a...
- A whistle, how many people
have been run
over by a tea kettle?
- How 'bout a train?
- Listen, Dwayne,
we all understand
how upset you are about this.
- No, no, no you really.
Same thing happened
to my father you know.
- No, what happened to him?
- Well, he started to lose
his hearing, well he went deaf.
I mean, he lost
his job, he gave up.
I watched him, you know,
turn into an old man fast.
Course he didn't have
the option that I have.
- That's true.
- That finishes
off my last nail.
- Here I have some left.
- You're a real rock Mom.
I haven't even taken Schneider
into the operating room yet.
(Schneider singing)
- Schneider!
- Hi Schneider.
- Hi Schneider.
- Oh my god, it's
the sisters of mercy.
- I'm glad to see you still
have your sense of humor.
- Yeah, they're not
going to amputate that.
Those pills you give
you for breakfast,
they're better than Coco Booms.
- Schneider you
okay, you scared?
- Well I was before breakfast.
(laughing)
- Oh Schneider listen,
there's no reason to be scared.
You're gonna hear the minute
they hook up that little wire.
You'll hear better than
you've heard in years,
right there on the
operating table.
- That'll be great.
Okay move 'em out.
- Good luck.
- Good luck, good
luck to the three of you.
(Schneider singing)
- Crimper.
And my elevator.
Pack please.
We're all through, you
did very well Mr. Schneider.
- Did you just say
Mr. Schneider?
- Yes, I did.
- Oh wow, I heard that so clear.
That's great, somebody
say something else.
Say anybody, say something else.
- What would you like me to say?
- Oh.
How about, "Your place or mine?"
(jazz music)
♪ This is life the one you get
♪ So go and have a ball
♪ This is it this is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a
time one day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a
time one day at a time
♪ One day at a time ba da da da
♪ One day at a
time one day at a time
♪ One day at a time ba da da da
♪ One day at a time
(groaning)
- Barbara, Schneider's not
gonna get back any faster
with you looking out the window.
- I'm starving, where did
he go for that pizza? Italy?
(door bell ringing)
Oh, at last.
- Mind if I play through?
- Oh, it's you.
- Well isn't that sweet.
She's already beginning
to treat me like a husband.
- No, I'm sorry, Schneider
left for pizza three days ago
and hasn't been
heard from since.
- Make that an
hour and a half ago.
- Have you hugged
your dentist today?
- No, I haven't.
- Mark, what's
with the golf clubs?
- Oh, they're for Barbara.
The family that plays
together, stays together.
- I think I'm marrying
a bumper sticker.
- Here is your pizza
with hot pepperoni.
- Oh just cut the
bologna, you're late.
- What do you mean I'm late?
7:30 and I am now looking
at my stainless-steel,
clinographic, beer-proof
watch, and it says
7:32.
- Well we said 6:30.
- You said 7:30.
- Who cares?
- I care, I can give you
the entire conversation,
verb for batim, 7:30.
- Schneider it's not
important, but we did say 6:30.
- Barbara's sneaking all
the pepperoni of the pizza,
and she won't give me any.
- 7:30 - 6:30 - Oo,
do I smell the pizza?
- Yes, you smell pizza, but
you don't smell anchovies
cause Schneider forget 'em.
- I didn't forget 'em, you
didn't ask for anchovies.
- It doesn't make any
difference, but yes, I did.
- You did not, I would have
remembered, I hate anchovies.
- Well, maybe that's
why you forgot 'em.
- Wait a second, wait
just a second here.
Alright, first you
start out 6:30, 7:30,
and now you giving me
the stuff about the anchovies.
I mean what it is
supposed to look like,
I got room for rent?
- It's not a crime to
forget a couple of things.
- Yeah, it happens
to me all the time.
Ask, um, what's her name here.
- Well I'll see you later.
- [Alex] Oh you going Schneider?
- Yeah, I'm
expecting a phone call
from Beer Belly and the guys.
- Oh, what about tomorrow?
- What about tomorrow?
- You said you were gonna
show me how to tie trap flies
for our fishing trip Saturday.
- Right, we'll do it
tomorrow morning.
Tomorrow morning
I'll bring all my stuff up.
- Okay, see you
tomorrow Schneider.
- Okay kid.
Before I go I would like
to make an announcement.
You said 7:30 and
nobody said anchovies.
Goodnight, so long, goodbye.
- I'm worried about him.
- Me too, if he's not careful,
he's gonna stubborn
himself to death.
- No really, I mean lately
something has been on his mind.
I mean, you know
just as well as I do
that Beer Belly
is not gonna call,
he just wanted
to get out of here.
- Yeah, I heard you say 6:30,
and I heard Barbara
say anchovies.
Maybe he's got brain
fever or something
from living so close
to the boiler room.
- I think something's wrong.
- Well, maybe, but it
is none of our business.
- Mom, wait a
second, don't you care?
Schneider's practically
part of the family.
- Yeah, well, if there's
something wrong,
I'm sure that Schneider
will let us know.
Meanwhile, there's something
wrong right here in this room.
- What?
- Well Schneider took a
piece of pizza, and I had one,
Mark one, you had one.
Somebody here has four pieces.
- I only have one piece.
(chuckling)
- I knew you were gonna miss it.
The carpet breaks
towards City Hall.
- Listen, my game's improving,
last two balls ended
up in the bathroom.
- Yeah, just stay out
of the water hazard.
Where's the kid?
- Oh, he'll be out in a minute,
and my grandma's coming over,
so let's talk while
we have the chance.
- Okay, what do you
want to talk about?
- Oh, I don't know,
you know maybe like,
how we've known each
other for seven years,
and how you're practically
like a father to me,
and we've never really
discussed my problems
and your problems,
and what's bothering me,
and what's bothering you.
- Okay, what's bothering you?
- Nothing.
That's enough about
me, what's bothering you?
- Uh Barbara, I'm the one
with all the fishing equipment,
but you're doing all the
fishing, now what's up?
- Hi.
- Hi Grandma.
- Hey, what are you two up to?
- Oh nothing,
we're just talking.
I think something's
bothering Schneider.
- Oh hey, well good, what is it?
Money, women, sex.
- Nothing is bothering
Schneider, Schneider is fine.
- Oh, you're no fun.
Honey, what did your
mother do with my big broiler?
I'm having people
for dinner tonight.
- Oh really, I thought
you were vegetarian?
It's in there.
Schneider, look,
we all love you right?
So if there's ever anything,
anything at all on your mind,
I want you to let us know.
- (laughing) There is
nothing on my mind.
There's never
anything on my mind.
- Okay, I'm sorry, I'll
stop bothering you.
- This is mine, this
is mine, this is mine.
I'm gonna move here
so I can be near my stuff.
(teapot whistling)
This is mine.
Schneider will
you get the kettle?
(subdued teapot whistling)
(teapot whistling)
Schneider?
- Yeah, what, what's up
kid, what do you want?
- You don't hear
the kettle do you?
- Yeah, I hear the kettle, why?
- Hey, no wonder Barbara said
you had something on your mind.
- Well I do, I'm very busy.
- You know, when you
start losing your hearing
sometimes other people
notice the problem before you do.
- I am not losing my
hearing, I got 20/20 ears.
- How can you be sure?
- (laughing) How can I be sure?
What do you think
these are rentals?
- Hey Barbara, I know
what's bothering Schneider,
he has hearing problem.
- You're kidding.
- I do not have a
hearing problem.
Everything I have works
perfectly, ask around.
- When was the last time
you had your hearing checked?
- What difference does it make?
I'm not gonna give my good,
hard-earned money to some doctor
so he can go out and
invest in condominiums.
- Just listen to me, if
you have a bad appendix,
you do something about it.
And if you start
losing your hearing,
first, you have to admit it,
then you do something about it.
- Schneider come on
now, listen to Grandma.
You know 15 years
ago, she was so sure
she was gonna lose her hearing,
she learned sign language.
- And then I had an
operation on my ears...
- Girls, girls, let me explain
something to you okay.
You do not take a perfect
automobile in for an overhaul
just because some bird
diddled on the windshield.
- I've heard this kind
of stupidity before.
Dwayne, there is
a Dr. William Restin
in the Riverside
Medical Building.
I want you to call him.
He's one of the
best in the business.
He helped me.
- Dr. William Restin?
- Right.
- I'll give him a call.
- Good.
- When I need him.
- That means that you
are a stupid jackass.
- And that means...
- I know what that means.
- Schneider, you know you
really better listen to Grandma
while you still can.
- Hey Schneider,
what are you doing?
- I'm fighting for my life.
Sit down over here.
- Oh great, you
brought the stuff.
- Yeah, these are all my flies.
Let me tell you something see.
The thing is, when you
wanna start making flies right,
you gotta experiment.
I mean, you gotta
take all the stuff in here,
and you gotta make some
flies that you really think
are gonna hook
the fish right, okay.
- Schneider where's the hook?
- (laughing) The book, I
haven't had time to sit down
and write the book.
- No Schneider, I didn't
say book, I said hook.
- What are you
trying to do, test me?
- No, I guess you
just didn't hear me.
- What do you mean
I didn't hear you?
What, have you
been in the other room
talking to that blabber mouth?
- What blabber mouth?
- You were in there
talking to Barbara,
and then you come out here,
and you start making
these dumb accusations.
- Schneider, I didn't
say a word to Barbara.
- I know you what you
people are up to you know.
I know what you're trying to do.
- Schneider, what
are you talking about?
- I'm talking about you,
and I'm talking about her,
and I'm talking about Grandma.
You people think
you know everything.
I'm telling you something
man, it's character assassination,
it's personality deprivation.
You're all trying to make
me think I'm going deaf.
- Deaf? Is that what it is?
I thought you were going nuts.
- Hi there Ms. Romano.
- Hello Schneider.
- Listen is Alex around?
I had a a little run in
with him this morning.
- Yeah, I know I
heard, he understands.
- Well, you know a man is
supposed to yell at traffic,
not at kids.
I got him a little
present, 10 flies.
- Oh thank you Schneider,
we have plenty of flies.
We are a little low
on ants though.
(laughing)
Schneider look, Barbara told me
about Grandma
and the tea kettle.
I think we all
understand the problem.
- Listen, why don't you
just give him the present...
- Schneider, don't
run away from it.
Please, see an ear doctor.
- Um, I really got to go,
Beer Belly never called.
- Bull, Schneider, sit!
You can't keep
running like this.
You're running, you're hiding,
you're blowing up at kids.
That's not like you right?
Schneider, now you are
like a member of this family,
so for our sake,
please see a doctor.
- Ms. Romano, I did see
a doctor this afternoon.
- You did, that's
terrific, what did he say?
- Well he said I'm going deaf.
- You're going deaf.
- Yeah, I just said that.
Maybe better have
your ears checked.
- Schneider, what
exactly did the doctor say?
- The hell are you
yelling at me for?
- Sorry, what exactly
did the doctor say?
- What?
- What did the doctor say?
- Oh well, what he said was,
you know, there's a
certain kind of hearing loss
which kinda sneaks up
on you over the years,
and has something to do with
the inside of the
ear, the bones.
- Which ear?
- Well, it's this ear,
and this ear,
mostly it's this ear.
- Well Schneider,
look at my mother,
her hearing is terrific.
Now I'll bet the doctors
can do something.
- Oh yeah, they gave me
a couple of terrific options.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, the first
one is a hearing aid.
And I'm telling you
something right now,
I am not running around
with a plastic lima bean
growing out of my ear.
- It's no worse than
wearing a pair of glasses,
I don't under...
Okay, okay, what's
the second choice?
- The knife.
Go in a hospital,
they cut my ear open,
they put a piece of wire
in there, and they just hope
that I pick up something
besides police calls.
- Well them's the choices
kid, which one you taking?
- Number three, I'm just
gonna smile at people a lot,
I'm gonna look wise,
I'm gonna read lips.
- But you don't have to do that,
the operation
worked for my mother.
- There's even a 1% chance that
I'll lose the hearing
I have in this ear.
They cannot guarantee
you a thing those people.
- For heaven's sake
Schneider, in your life
how many sure things are there
besides Boom Boom Barofski?
- Ms. Romano, would you
be willing to take that risk?
Just consider this, never again
to hear the honk of a goose
as it lives the frigid
north heading south.
Never again to
hear the plunk plunk
when you pick up the 7-10 split.
Never again to hear the soft
murmur of a feminine voice
sighing, "Thank
you Mr. Wonderful."
- Get another opinion.
- Well others say
sometimes Mr. Terrific.
- And if the second
doctor agrees with the first,
consider an operation.
- I will cause I'm
gonna have it.
I'm gonna go ahead and
I'm gonna have the operation.
- That doesn't
sound like you are.
- Well it's just
that I also have,
I have a little hernia,
and I thought I may have them
both done at the same time.
- Right, sure, soon as you find
a good eye, ear,
nose, and hernia man.
- Hi everybody, I
just went shopping.
What's a matter, what's wrong?
- Oh Schneider
went to the doctor
and found out that he was...
- Going deaf.
- Oh Schneider, I'm so sorry.
I'm sure they can do something.
I say Schneider, I'm sorry.
I know they can
work something out.
- Excuse me now I (clears
throat) have to go to work.
Excuse me I have to go to work!
- Hi ya Schneider.
- Barbara.
- Schneider.
- Barbara.
Sometimes in the
panorama of this life,
a man occasionally looks
into the peephole of his spirit.
And he sees something about
himself which makes him sorry
that he looked into the
peephole in the first place.
- Okay.
- What I'm trying to say I
guess is that I came up here
to apologize to everybody
for, you know, jumping all over...
- Oh Schneider please,
don't worry about it.
We all understand, it's
a very rough decision.
- Oh you mean
about the operation.
That's not really no big deal.
I think perhaps
someday I'll maybe,
you know, have it done sure.
- Perhaps? Probably? Maybe?
- Well I'm scheduled
in for August.
I'm going in there in August,
and they're gonna do it.
Of course if I have
a cold I can't go in.
They don't want to touch
you if you have a cold.
- Hi Grandma.
- Hi honey, Schneider, you
are the customer I'm looking for.
Boy, have I got wonderful
news about the operation.
- Look Kath, I'd really
love to talk to you about it,
but I got to get downstairs
and feed Mrs.
Bradshaw's piranha.
They really get
nasty if you're late.
- Schneider don't worry
about it, I already fed them.
- Come on I want to talk to you,
I want to talk to you Schneider.
Listen, I just happened
to run in to Dr. Restin.
- Where, at the bank?
- In his office.
- What a lucky coincidence.
- And listen, he can take you
next Wednesday
morning at 7:00 a.m.
- Achoo!
I think I'm getting
the Asian flu.
- Sounds more
like the chicken flu.
Be at the hospital admissions
desk, 4:30 Tuesday afternoon.
Bring your Blue Cross
card and your toothbrush.
- And a nice, clean
pair of jammies.
- You really have a
sadistic streak don't you?
- Listen, be good
or I'll cancel the TV
I ordered for your room.
- Oh come one now
Katherine, you can't do this.
You can't drag
somebody in off the street,
and start cutting 'em up,
that's illegal seek and surgery.
- Look you have to confirm.
It's your decision, you
have to call the doctor.
Dwayne, I'm not
pushing you, here.
Oh come on, come on Dwayne.
Listen, wouldn't
you love to hear the
pitter patter of the
rain on the roof again?
Or maybe a symphony that
includes the flutes and the fifes.
- What?
- See you didn't hear me.
- I heard you, what
the hell is a fife?
Katherine I would
love to do it, but I can't.
Wednesday's a bad day,
I've got a lodge meeting.
- Schneider, a lodge meeting?
- Well, it's a very
important lodge meeting.
It's our annual
candlelight procession
in Marilyn Chambers'
film festival.
- Hi everybody.
- Oh hi.
- Dwayne, listen I can
understand why you're afraid.
- Schneider, afraid? (laughing)
He doesn't know the meaning
of the word, right Schneider?
(laughing)
- Alex, we're talking about
Schneider's operation.
- Oh yeah, the ER operation.
What's an operation to him?
Did you ever hear
about the time in Korea
he took the shrapnel out of
his own leg with a fountain pen.
- You're gonna
have to tell us about it
over dinner sometime Schneider.
- Hey Schneider we're
going fishing in the morning,
we better get down
to the tackle shop.
- Yeah, we better
get down there, yep.
- But Schneider...
- Katherine, I promise
ya, I'll think about it
over the weekend
really, I really will.
- Now make a straight line
with your feet to the cup,
and overlap your little finger.
Now just let the weight
of the club swing through.
Oo, pretty good.
Any questions?
- Yeah, what do I wear?
- Wear anything, wear blue.
- Blue?
- Blue.
- Blue on a green?
- So wear red.
- Red?
- What difference does it make,
you want to play a round or not?
- Oh well, now you're
talking, forget golf.
- Hey you guys, would
you tell me if I'm in the way
because I'd be
very... (laughing)
Hey it's about time you got
back, dinner's almost ready.
- Sorry we would have
been back a lot sooner
if it wasn't for that
dumb ambulance.
(clears throat)
- An ambulance?
- It was nothing.
I think I'm gonna pack
my things for the trip.
- Hold it, what
about an ambulance?
- Oh it was nothing Ms. Romano,
just one of the inconveniences
of living in the big city.
- I know all about the big city,
tell me about the ambulance.
- Well it was just a very
little itty-bitty ambulance.
- Yeah, I think it was a Honda.
- See we were going
through this intersection,
and all of a sudden
out of nowhere
here comes this ambulance.
Well, thanks to my good
reflexes, I swerved out of the way,
I slammed on the breaks, and
we stopped, what, in 30 feet.
- Yeah, would have
stopped in 20 feet
if the guy just hadn't
finished watering his lawn.
- Schneider, how can
you miss an ambulance?
Didn't you hear the siren?
- Yeah.
- No.
- Look it, nobody got hurt, it
could of happened to anybody,
and so anyway that's that.
Come on, now you
gotta get a bite to eat
and you gotta go to
bed, we get up at 3:30.
- Right.
- It couldn't have
happened to just anybody.
It happened to you Schneider
because of your hearing problem.
I'm sorry I can't let Alex
ride in a car with you.
- What?
- I am sorry.
- Ms. Romano the window's
were up, the music was on.
- Well great, back to
fly casting in the alley.
You know you
wouldn't want to eat
some of the things
I've caught in there.
- You both could
have been killed.
- Ms. Romano,
what are you saying?
You're not gonna
let Alex drive with me
because you don't trust me.
- Schneider I'm sorry, but
you almost had an accident,
and I feel terrible about this.
- You feel terrible about this?
- Look, if it happened
once, it could happen again,
and next time you
may not be so lucky.
Schneider, if you can't hear
a siren, or a whistle, or a...
- A whistle, how many people
have been run
over by a tea kettle?
- How 'bout a train?
- Listen, Dwayne,
we all understand
how upset you are about this.
- No, no, no you really.
Same thing happened
to my father you know.
- No, what happened to him?
- Well, he started to lose
his hearing, well he went deaf.
I mean, he lost
his job, he gave up.
I watched him, you know,
turn into an old man fast.
Course he didn't have
the option that I have.
- That's true.
- That finishes
off my last nail.
- Here I have some left.
- You're a real rock Mom.
I haven't even taken Schneider
into the operating room yet.
(Schneider singing)
- Schneider!
- Hi Schneider.
- Hi Schneider.
- Oh my god, it's
the sisters of mercy.
- I'm glad to see you still
have your sense of humor.
- Yeah, they're not
going to amputate that.
Those pills you give
you for breakfast,
they're better than Coco Booms.
- Schneider you
okay, you scared?
- Well I was before breakfast.
(laughing)
- Oh Schneider listen,
there's no reason to be scared.
You're gonna hear the minute
they hook up that little wire.
You'll hear better than
you've heard in years,
right there on the
operating table.
- That'll be great.
Okay move 'em out.
- Good luck.
- Good luck, good
luck to the three of you.
(Schneider singing)
- Crimper.
And my elevator.
Pack please.
We're all through, you
did very well Mr. Schneider.
- Did you just say
Mr. Schneider?
- Yes, I did.
- Oh wow, I heard that so clear.
That's great, somebody
say something else.
Say anybody, say something else.
- What would you like me to say?
- Oh.
How about, "Your place or mine?"
(jazz music)