One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 7, Episode 23 - Orville and Emily - full transcript

Another opening, another show for the retirement home.

♪ This is it ♪ This is it

♪ This is life, the one you get

♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it

♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ So hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a time

- Hey, hey!
- Hi!

- How'd it go at the airport?

- No problem, they
got here right on time.

- Now hear this, now hear this.

Here they are direct
from Houston, Texas,

let's hear it for America's
potentially newest family,

Max Horvath and
his wife Julie Horvath.


- [Ann] Yay!

- And a little something
in the oven Horvath.

(loud laughter)

- Thank you ladies and
gentleman, thank you, Schneider.

And thank you, Max.

- Believe me, it
was my pleasure.

(loud laughter)

- Come on you guys.

You get my room.

I get Alex's and
he gets the sofa.

- [Julie] Okay.

So Ma, what's for dinner?

- Oh, fried pickles
and whipped cream.

- It sounds delicious.

- I knew you'd like it.

- You know, Ms.
Romano, this is really

a nice compliment to you.

Max working with the airlines,

he could've had their
vacation anywhere,

any part of the world, but
they chose here instead.

They must be broke.

(loud laughter)

- You've got it.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, I wonder who that could be?

- Ms. Romano, I'm sorry,

I forgot to tell you.

While you were out,
these two people called.

They said they're coming by.

Orville and Emily.

- Oh no.

THey're the people
from the retirement hotel.

- They sounded nice.

- Yeah, well they are,
that's the trouble you see.

Every time they come
over, they try to get us

to put on a show in their hotel.

- A show?

(doorbell rings)

- Yeah, and it takes
hours and hours

and hours of work.

Schneider, do me a favor.

Would you answer the door
and make some excuse?

(Schneider laughs)

- Nah, the last time I
tried to get rid of them,

Emily, she put one of
them Tollhouse cookies

in my mouth and well, she
had a big bag of them, you know.

- [Katherine] Annie, it's me.

- It's Mom.

Thank goodness.

Hi Mom.

(loud laughter)

- Hi, honey.

Guess who I found in the hall?

- Yeah.

- You remember
Orville and Emily?

- I sure do, hi, hi.

- Told you she wouldn't
be glad to see us.

- Get out of here.

- Okay.

- No, no.

I didn't mean get out, I meant

Please come in Ma.

- Hi there, folks.

- Hi, Mr. Schneider.

I bet she's got some
cookies in the bag.

(loud laughter)

- Everybody, let's
sit down, sit down.

- What's in the bag, Emily?

(Ann clears throat)

- Oh Alex, I'm
sorry, I'm so rude.

Orville and Emily, I'd
like you to meet Alex.

- Hi, I talked to you
on the phone before.

- A kid.

Has it been that long
since they've done a show?

- A show, a show!

You mean we're
gonna do another show?

Oh Annie, where did
I put my tap shoes?

You know, I've been practicing.

I've been practicing...
- Mom, Mom, Mom!

- Alex, ask her
what's in the bag.

- Orville and Emily, it sure
is a pleasure seeing you,

it's nice of you to drop by

but you see, my daughter
is here from out of town

and the poor thing's expecting

and I have to take care of her.

- Boy, something sure smells
warm and chocolatey in here.

Everybody open their bag?

(loud laughter)

- Alright, a moment
of truth, okay?

I have gotten so very busy that

I just don't have time
to do a show for you.

- Wait just a minute,
you don't think

that we came over here to
ask you to do a show for us?

- Of course not.

We just dropped by to tell
you that Homer passed away.

- I'm sorry.

When's the funeral?

- Last December.

(loud laughter)

- He died December
23rd at 5:52 PM.

I won the pool.

(loud laughter)

- Poor soul, he departed
without getting to see

the New Year show
you put on for us.

- Emily, they didn't do
a show for us last year.

Come to think of
it, they didn't do one

the year before either.

- Orville, look, the reason...

- Well, maybe next year.

Hopefully we'll still
be around to enjoy it.

- Well if I'm not here,

I sure hope you
are here to enjoy it.

- Oh come on, Annie, we
can do a show this weekend.

- No, Mom, we can't.

- Yes, we can.

Let me see what's
in the bag will ya?

(loud laughter)

Alright, I'm sorry, I'm weak.

(bellows in joy)

- I'm very, very
sorry about Homer

but you see, I've got
my own company now

and I'm so busy,
I don't have time

to do a show for you.

- A show?

Emily, Orville, hi.

- Oh, hi.

- It's Barbara, Julie, and Max.

- Oh hi, hey Emily, look
Barbara's got herself pregnant.

- Oh no, no, I'm
not, this is Julie.

- Oh.

- Hi.

- Hi, Mark, how are ya?

- Fine.
[Ann] Hi, Mark.

- Who is this young fella?

- Emily and Orville,
this is Mark Royer,

Barbara's fiance.

- How do you do?

- Well I'm sure glad to meet you

and I'm sure glad
you're gonna marry her.

That's the
honorable thing to do.

(loud laughter)

- It's Julie that's
pregnant, you dope.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- You used to kiss me like that.

- Right, let that
be a lesson to you.

(loud laughter)

- Hey, maybe Mark
can be in a show.

- Schneider...
- Show, what show?

- Hey, are we gonna do
a show again, that's great.

- Max...

- Oh hey, hey, I could
play the harmonica.

(makes harmonica
sound with mouth)

- Mom, Mom, that's terrific.
- Do what show?

- Hold it.

Everybody, just hold it.

Look I just don't
have the time, now

if you all want to
do a show, feel free.

- Mom, it wouldn't be
any fun without you.

(doorbell rings)

- Thank you.

- Now who, what's
the legal capacity

of this room anyway?

- Ms. Romano, what
kind of a show would it be

without a good-looking
woman like you in it?

Holy cow, who's that chick?

(loud laughter)

- That's Mom's business partner.

- Can she sing?

- Hi Francine,
how are you doing?

- I'm fine, Barbara.

Ann, I brought these by for you.

- Terrific.

- My goodness,
what's going on here?

- Well you see, it's
a little complicated.

This is Emily and
Orville and they live at

the retirement hotel
where we've put on shows.

- What shows?

- Oh yes, I heard about that.

That sounded like fun.

- Yeah, they are fun.

Would yo like to be in one?

- Well, I don't know.

- My Annie says she's too busy.

- Really?

Well, I suppose some
of us are more giving

of our time than others.

- Maybe you could
be in our show.

Do you have any talent?

- Well, there must
be something I can do.

I do most things well.

- You can just stand there
as far as I'm concerned.

(loud laughter)

- Since you put it that
way, how can I say no?

- Orville, sit.

(loud laughter)

- Max and I can do a duet.

- Hey, my folks made
me take a dance lesson.

- Hey listen, I know
a bunch of new jokes.

Maybe I could MC the thing.

- I can't just stand
there and do nothing.

Or can I?

(loud laughter)

- I could play the drums.

- I could find out
what's going on here.

- Oh sweetheart, you're
going to be the best, really.

- Oh Emily, we are
gonna have a great show.

Sure gonna miss you, Ms. Romano.

- It's gonna be fun.

(loud laughter and chatter)

♪ Little rabbit Foo Foo

♪ Running through the forest

♪ Picking up all the field mice

♪ And bang them on
the head (loud laughter)

I'll think of something.


- Why don't you folks sit down.

We'll get going in
just a few minutes.

I promise you,
just a few minutes.

- Hey Orville, let's
get the show going.

I don't want to miss Dallas.

(loud laughter)

- Homer, will you
get in the back row?

- What for?

- I told them you died.

(loud laughter and appplause)

- Orville, let's get
this show on the road.

- Okay, Hal.

(drum roll)

Thank you, thank you.

Well ladies and gentleman,
it's that time again.

Now, to start
things off, here he is,

the Don Juan of
downtown Indianapolis,

Mr. Dwayne Schneider.


- Yeah, yeah, thanks
very, very much, Orville.

And give my best
to Wilbur, right folks?

(loud laughter)

Hey, we're flying tonight.

You know, show
biz, I can understand

why they all love it.

Well, it's real good
to be back here

at the Park Utopia Hotel

and I see a lot of
these new faces.

Well, not exactly new faces.

(loud laughter)

Well, anyway, talking
about monkeys...

How about that for a segue,

talking about monkeys,
Tarzan comes home

the other day from work
and he says to his wife,

Jane that is, he says,

"why don't you
make me a martini?"

She says, you
don't drink martinis.

He says well I want one now,
it's really a jungle out there.

(drum roll)

(loud laughter)

Hey, Homer, how, Homer!

I thought you said he was dead?

- He will be by the
time you're finished.


- Hey, you're very good.

You ought to be on the stage.

There's one leaving
in three minutes.

Don't fool around with me.


Anyway, now we're
proud to present

the inimitable song stylings
of our glamorous soloist,

ladies and gentleman
direct from the Park Utopia's

PU room, let's have
a nice warm welcome

for Fancy Francine Webster.

Come on?

(loud applause)

(mellow music)

♪ Just me

♪ and my shadow

♪ Strolling down the avenue

(drum music)

(harmonic toots)

(finger cymbals clank)

(loud laughter)

♪ Just me and my shadow

♪ Not a soul to
tell my troubles to

♪ And when it's eight
o'clock (bells ding)

(loud laughter)

♪ We climb the stairs

♪ We never knock (drum solo)


♪ Cause nobody's there ju...

(foghorn sound)

(loud laughter)

(foghorn sound)

(finger cymbals clank)

♪ Just me and my shadow

♪ All alone and feel...

♪ All alone and feeling

♪ All alone and feeling bl...

(drum solo)

(high pitched whistle)

(finger cymbals clank)

♪ Blue (applause)

(upbeat drum music)

- Wow, ladies and
gentleman, I've got to tell ya,

the part of the
orchestra was played by

Kathryn Romano.

(loud applause)

Yeah, I gave it a name of a
sergeant in Bloomington gonna

take them off for her
tomorrow morning.

(loud laughter)

And now deported directly
from Houston, Texas

thrown in at absolutely
no expense at all,

here are those cooing lovebirds

Julie and Max Horvath.

Okay, let's bring 'em on.

(loud applause)

♪ Love and marriage
♪ Love and marriage

♪ Go together like
a horse and carriage

♪ Another bride ♪ Another groom

♪ Another sunny honeymoon

♪ You can't have
one without the other

♪ Love and marriage
♪ Love and marriage

♪ It's an institute
you can't disparage

♪ Another season
♪ Another reason

♪ For makin' whoopie!

(loud laughter)

♪ Try try try to separate them

♪ It's an illusion

♪ Try try try and you will only

♪ Come to this conclusion

♪ Love and marriage
♪ Love and marriage

♪ Picture a little love nest

♪ Down where the roses cling

♪ Picture the
same sweet love nest

♪ That's what
the years will bring

(piano music)

♪ Love and marriage

♪ Love and marriage go together

♪ Like a horse and carriage

♪ This I tell you brother

♪ You can't have one
♪ You can't have none

♪ You can't have one
♪ Without the other

♪ And makin' whoopie!

(loud applause)

- Oh, yessiree!

I want to tell you. You
wanna talk about talent?

I mean yeah...

the cooing, did you see the
way he pantomime picking up the

I mean that's a lost
art, that's terrific.

Now folks I ask you, when
you were all little boys and girls,

what was it that you all wanted?

- Big boys and girls.

(loud laughter)

- He can get me the second show.

I'm talking about clowns.

That's what I'm
talking about clowns,

and here they are our clowns
Ann Romano and Barbara Cooper.

(ceremonial music)

♪ Be a clown ♪ Be a clown

♪ All the world loves a clown

♪ Be a crazy buffoon

♪ And the audience
will all swoon

♪ Wear the cap and the bells

♪ And you'll rate
with all the great swells

♪ If you become a doctor,

♪ folks'll face you with dread,

♪ If you become a dentist

♪ they'll be glad
when you're dead,

(loud laughter)

♪ You'll get a bigger hand
if you can stand on your head

♪ Be a clown be
a clown be a clown

♪ Yeah

(loud laughter)

- Watch out, watch out.

♪ Dress in huge, baggy pants

♪ And you'll ride
the road to romance

♪ A butcher or a baker,
ladies never embrace,

♪ A barber for a beau
would be a social disgrace,

♪ They all will come to call
if you can fall on your face

♪ Be a clown be
a clown be a clown

♪ Be a clown ♪ Be
a clown (loud applause)

- Bye now.

Thank you.

Love you.

- I can't stop, I
have to keep on.

- Don't.

Thank you, ladies and gentleman.

And now, hold on to your hats,

and your wallets, and
your girlfriends because

we have for you a
little Alex and Inferiors.

♪ Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl

♪ Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl

♪ Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl

♪ Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl

♪ Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl

♪ As I walk through this world

♪ Nothing can
stop the Duke of Earl

♪ And you, you are my girl

♪ And no one can
hurt you ♪ Oh no

♪ Yes I know I'm gonna love you

♪ Nothing can stop me now

♪ 'Cause I'm the Duke of Earl

♪ And when I hold you
♪ You are my duchess

♪ Duchess of Earl

♪ Walk through my dukedom

♪ And a paradise we
will share ♪ 'Cause I

♪ know I'm gonna love you

♪ Nothing can stop me now

♪ 'Cause I'm the Duke of Earl

♪ Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl

♪ Cause I, know
I'm gonna love you

♪ Nothing can stop me now

♪ 'Cause I'm the Duke of Earl

(loud applause)

♪ A clown with his
pants falling down

♪ Or the dance that's
a dream of romance

♪ Or the scene where
the villain is mean.

♪ That's entertainment!

♪ The lights on
the lady in tights

♪ Or the bride with
the guy by her side

♪ Or the ball where
she gives it her all.

♪ That's entertainment!

♪ The plot can be hot,
simply teeming with sex

♪ A gay divorcee
who is after her ex

♪ It could be Oedipus Rex

♪ Where a chap kills his father

♪ and causes lots of bother.

♪ The clerk who
is thrown out of work

by the boss ♪ Who
is thrown for a loss

♪ by the skirt ♪
Who is dealing in dirt

♪ The world is a stage

♪ The stage is the world

♪ of entertainment!