One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 7, Episode 22 - Vegas: Part 2 - full transcript

♪ This is it, this is it

♪ This is life, it's
the one you get

♪ So go and have a ball

♪ Well, this is it, this is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doing what you do

♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet, up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playing

♪ Don't you worry none

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time, na-na-na-na

♪ One day at a
time, one day at a time

♪ One day at a time, na-na-na-na

♪ One day at a time

- [Narrator] Here are some
scenes from last week's show.

- Hey ya, handsome!

- Hi.

- You're just in time
to change the subject.


So, how was your day?

- Oh, like always.

I washed my truck,
I went to school,

I won a trip for
two to Las Vegas.

Oh, I ate lunch at this
new hamburger joint.

- What?

(audience laughing)

- Barbara, do you
know what you're doing?

- Mm-hmm.

- Yes, you certainly do.

(audience laughing)

Barbara, before
this goes any further,

honey, you always said
how important it was to you

to save this moment
for your wedding night.

- I know.

- You sure you want
to throw all that away

just because we can't wait
seven-and-a-half weeks?

- Oh, hi, Barbara.

Look, I was just doing
some fast figuring,

and I was...

Yes, darling, I know
you're getting married.

In Las Vegas?

(audience laughing)

At 4:30 in the morning?

At the Lucky Seven
Wedding Chapel?

(audience laughing)

- [Announcer] And now,
for the conclusion of Vegas.

- Barbara!


Oh, thank you, sweetheart,
I really needed that.

The Lucky Seven
Wedding Chapel (laughing),

that's funny, what a name.


As a matter of fact, that
is one of the funniest jokes

I've ever heard, yeah.

(audience laughing)

You're serious?
(audience laughing)

Barbara, then you are a
childish, inconsiderate brat.

(audience laughing)

Barbara, I would like you
to get that infantile notion

out of your head
right this minute.


Well then, of course you
know that you can count me out.

Yeah, uh-huh, and I
have nothing further to say.

(receiver slams down)

Except, why are
you doing this to me?

I don't deserve this.

I worked my fingers to
the bone trying to make

all of this come together.

All I have succeeded in
doing is banging my head

against a wall.

(audience laughing)

- I think one wall too
many, Miss Romano.

(audience laughing)

- Schneider, are
you here for a reason,

or do you just get your
kicks skulking around

snooping on people?

- You want to know my reason?

- I would really like
to know your reason.

- You want to know my reason?

- I would, I would.

- I'll tell ya my reason.

- Good, good, good.

- To ask the advice
of an old friend

regarding the
proper formal attire

for said friend's upcoming
matrimonial festivities

to be held in a few short weeks.

- Uh-huh.

- Now, we're talking either
the double-breasted mohair

with the satin lapels,
(audience laughing)

or the single-breasted wool
worsted with the brocade.

(paper ripping)

(audience laughing)

Fine, I'll paint my fanny
green and go naked.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, isn't this just dandy?

We make a decision
that will save people

a lot of time, money,
and aggravation,

and just because she
doesn't agree with it,

it's an infantile notion, and
we can just count her out.

- Oh, Barbara, calm down.

gonna work out fine.

- Oh, Mark, I
have to throw this.

- Uh, uh, uh.

You're not a thrower, are you?

- Oh, just this once.

Besides, how do
expect me to calm down?


Well, that's one way.

- Here's another.

- That's the same way.

- Why fool with success?


- Mark.

For the first time, I
am making a decision

without looking over my
shoulder for my mother's approval.

- How does it feel?

- It feels terrific.

It feels great.

It feels good, I think.

- If she thinks I'm gonna
hop a plane to Nevada

to stand behind her with
a dopey smile on my face

while some blackjack
dealer performs a ceremony

at 4:30 in the morning at the
Lucky Seven Wedding Chapel,

well, then she's
wackier than I thought.

(audience laughing)

- The Lucky Seven
Wedding Chapel?

- Yes, uh-huh.

- Miss Romano,
they're putting you on.

They're pulling your leg.

I mean, they could
just as soon call it

the Church of Saint
Rocco the Pit Boss.

- No, no. (audience laughing)

Schneider, it's true.

You know what I can't believe?


That Barbara is gonna
have a dumber wedding

(slamming) than Julie.

(slamming) (scrubbing)

- It's true?

They really are gonna get
married at the 7-Eleven?

(audience laughing)

- And just wait.

Wait until her father hears,

and her grandmother
is in Hawaii,

and Mark's father is
in Alaska on business.

- I mean, these two kids,
you know they're in love,

and young kids, they
sometimes, they do foolish things

when they're in love,

but at least they had the
common sense to make it legal.

- Schneider, who
cares about legalities?

Tell me, who cares?

She got itchy and couldn't
wait for seven-and-a-half weeks.

I mean, why didn't they
spend a few hours and scratch?

(audience laughing)

- What's going on, Ms. R?

- Well, Mark and Barbara,
they're gonna go ahead

and get married in Las
Vegas at 4:30 in the morning.

- Oh, that doesn't
sound like Barbara.

- I know, it's tough to figure,

but I guess the closer you
get to the event, you know...

- No, no, no, Schneider, I mean,

Barbara hates to get up early.

(audience laughing)

But getting married in
Las Vegas, that's great.

Now you don't
have to get so uptight

about all those
crazy wedding plans.

- Alex, I was never uptight.


- So, when are we going?

- You are not going anywhere.

You have school
on Monday, and I,

I certainly am not going.

- You're not gonna go and see
your own daughter get married?

- At the Lucky Seven
Wedding Chapel?

No, no way.

- Yeah, and could I have a
bucket to chill the champagne in?

Oh, it does?

Oh, thanks a lot.

- Mark?
- Yeah?

- Mark, why didn't you wake me?

I asked you to wake me up!

- What's wrong?

- Oh, it's 4:00, and we have
to get to the chapel at 4:30!

Where's Julie and Max?

They said they
were gonna be here.

- Barbara, Barbara, does the
phrase Pacific Standard Time

mean anything to you?

(audience laughing)


- Okay, so I forgot
to set my watch back.

- Not nervous, are you?

- Look, okay, so it's 1:00
here, it's 4:00 in Indianapolis.

I was part right.

What's on TV?

- Barbara, you're trying
to bluff your way past

a dentist in training.

Nervous people are my life.

- Okay, so I'm a
little apprehensive.

- Come on, let's have it.

- Why is it that
I get the feeling

this is either the
greatest idea in the world

or the craziest?

- Honey, if you want, we
can call the chapel right now

and cancel.

- No, Mark, we're just talking.

I just want to know
what you think.

- I think I am the
luckiest guy in the world.

Barbara, I'd marry
you 30 feet underwater.

I'd marry you on
the back of a camel.

I'd marry you in the
pouch of a kangaroo.

(audience laughing)

What's important to me is
the marriage, not the wedding.

- Why is it whenever you open
your mouth logic comes out?

When I do, it's
Howdy Doody time.

(audience laughing)

- Well, if you want
some more terrific logic,

I just ordered us
some champagne.

(telephone ringing)

- Oh, (groaning) coming, Mother.

(audience laughing)


- Ah!

- Hi, hi.

- You brought the champagne?

- Ah, gee, I haven't had
a chance to get any yet.

- Then why are you here?

- I'm Max.

- Hi, Max.

Where's my champagne?

(audience laughing)

- Uh, I think there
may be a problem here.

Are you Mark?

- I'm Mark.

You're Max.

- Right, Horvath.

Julie's husband, Max.

- Oh!

- Yeah.
- I'm sorry, whoa.

- Right.

- It's the uniform.

It threw me.

Airline uniform, oh.

I was expecting champagne.

- Oh, maybe next time.

(audience laughing)

We just met.

(audience laughing)

- I told ya, Max, one more
pull, and I'd hit the jackpot.

- You certainly did.

- Oh, yeah.


- Julie.

- Max.


- [Mark And Julie] Hi.

- So, you're the guy who's
gonna marry my kid sister, huh?

- Yeah.

- You're different
than I expected.

You're normal.

(audience laughing)

- Thanks.

- No, really, it's a compliment.

You should have seen
some of the weirdos

Barbara used to date.

One year we called
them the Dirty Dozen.

(audience laughing)

- Julie, those were your dates.

(audience laughing)

Where's Barbara?

- Oh, she's on the
phone in the other room.

Oh, wait 'til she sees you guys.

She's gonna go crazy.

- Sis, hi!
- Hey, Barb.

- Julie, Max, hi.

How was your flight?

- Great flight.

Boy, we really knocked
her socks off, didn't we?

(audience laughing)

- What's the matter?

- Nothing, I'm sorry.

How was your flight?

- Was a good flight.

Who were you talking to?

- Grandma.

She hung up on me.

- What?

- She called me from
Hawaii, and I told her

I was really sorry that she
was gonna miss the ceremony,

and then I asked her if
she was angry with me,

and then she hung up on me.

- Ah, she was probably just
whacked out from surfing all day

and luauing all night.

(audience laughing)

It's a joke!

She doesn't surf.

(audience laughing)

- Barbara, I'm sure Grandma
didn't hang up on you.

- There's got to be
some explanation, honey.

- Oh, I heard a click.

The explanation is she hates me.

And then in my mind, I can
hear the click of Dad's phone,

and Mom already
did her clicking.

Oh, I just get the feeling
that doing this is disappointing

a lot of people.

- Are you changing your mind?

A few hours ago, you
were all hot to get married.

- I was hot for anything.

That was the trouble.

(audience laughing)

- Ah ha, the Romano
hormones strike again.

(audience laughing)

- I know what you mean.


- So it's back to the Crystal
Room in downtown Indianapolis?

Is that what you're
saying, Barb?

- Oh, Mark.

I guess I've always
wanted a big photo album

of wedding pictures of me and
my husband climbing into a car

with shoes and a big sign,
and then me stuffing cake

into my husband's mouth.

Yeah, I don't think we
should get married here.

It's off.

- Well, Barbara, besides,

all your girlfriends
are in Indianapolis.

Who are you gonna
throw your bouquet to?

- Three hookers and
a stand-up comic?

(audience laughing)

- I'm sorry.

I feel like such a jerk.

- No.
- Oh no, don't worry about it.


- [Men] Champagne, yeah!

- Well, we can celebrate not
getting married this morning.

♪ I get no kick from champagne

(audience laughing)

♪ Mere alcohol Hi
ya, kids, how are ya?

I saw the waiter in the hallway.

I took the champagne.

So champagne,
compliments Uncle Schneider.

We're gonna need some glasses.

- [Ann] Hello.



- Well, geez, look
at their faces, right?

I told you they'd be
speechless (laughing).

- Hi, Mom.

- Annie, wow, you're here.

You know Max.

(audience laughing)

- Hi, Shorty.

- Well, look at me.

I haven't even kissed my

son-in-law yet.

(air kissing)

Hi, Mark.

(audience laughing)

- Yeah, this is really terrific,
ya know what I mean?

The gathering of the
clan, I'm telling ya,

the family, the
family is the rock.

- The family, my God, Alex.

- Oh yeah, it was a long flight.

He's really tired, the
poor kid, you know?

- Oh, that wall
was so comfortable.

- Yeah.

- Oh, congratulations,

Hi, Barbara.

Hi, Julie.

Max here.

- It's right this way.

(audience laughing)

- Well, this is a surprise.

- Well, don't see
why it should be.

Hi, Max.

- Hi. (kissing)

- How ya feeling, Jules?

- Fine, Mom.

- Good. (kissing)

I mean, my daughter
is getting married.

I certainly should be at
my daughter's wedding

no matter where the hell it is.

- Mom, now, before
you blow your top,

I have something
I should tell you.

- Another surprise?

- Now wait a second.

What is that supposed to mean?

If would just let me talk...

- That is supposed to mean
that it is time for a toast.

(audience laughing)

- To what, Schneider?

- Eh, well, here we
are in Las Vegas.

How about we toast
to Bugsy Siegel?


- Bugsy Siegel?

- Mom, I want to talk to you.

- About what, Barbara?

- You know, years ago
people would look at Las Vegas,

and they would see
nothing but cactus and sand,

but Bugsy, Bugsy saw
blackjack and craps and keno.

- Mom, I think you
should at least listen

to what Barbara
is trying to say.

- Why?

She's gonna tell
me that she's right,

and I'm gonna tell
her that she's stupid.

- Stupid?

- Where others saw jack
rabbits and prairie dogs,

Bugsy saw, well Bugsy saw
Schecky and Sammy and Charo.

(audience laughing)
- Okay.

I just hoped that when
my daughter got married

she would be a
grown-up, mature woman.

I was wrong.

So what, big deal.

- Bugsy saw Frank and
Dean, and Bugsy saw Peter.

(audience laughing)

- Is that right?

- Uh-huh, yes.

- See, the point is that
Bugsy came out here,

and he made a
brand new beginning.

And here we all are at
the beginning of a new,

brand new beginning, the
marriage of Barbara and Mark.

And I say to one and
all, to Bugsy Siegel!

- Shut up, Schneider.

- Another toast.

To my mother, who came all
the way out here for a wedding,

but actually, really came
out here to stop one.

- That's not true.

You're talking like a baby.

- Well, in a couple hours,
I'm gonna be a baby bride,

whether you like it or not.

- Barbara.

- A baby?

So what else is new?

- Annie, I don't...

- But listen, folks, I
would love to stay here

and partake of this
wedding chit chat,

but I tell ya, Mark and Max
and I, we have a date with fate.

The crap tables call.

Let's get the hell out of here.

- Now, just a minute.

This concerns me too, you know.

- Mark, Mark, please.

I want to have a nice
little chat with my mother.

- Oh, we'll have
a chat, all right.

- Come on, big guy.

Vamanos al mesa de crapola!

Come on.

(audience laughing)

- Alright, I'm going.

But I'll be downstairs
if you need me.

Page me.

- I just want to tell you,

all this yelling and
name calling and threats,

this is turning into a real
wedding celebration after all.

(audience laughing)

God love the family!

(audience laughing)

(door slamming)

- Nine, nine,
center field, nine!

- What am I doing here?

- You're getting an
education, the both of ya.

- Oh, come on.

I'm too tired for an education.

- A very simple game.

You do what I do, you win.

You do what I don't, you lose.

- First it's on, then it's
off, then it's on again.

Three women are
controlling my life.

I've turned into a puppet.

- Seven out, line away, pay
the don'ts, and last comes.

- Let me tell you something

about that redhead
upstairs, okay?

Her bark is worse
than her overbite.

That's a dentist joke.

He's a dentist.

Her overbite.

(audience laughing)

- He's right about
Annie, though, you know?

Three years ago,
she couldn't stand me.

Now, she tolerates me.

- No shooting or coming out.

- Okay, so where do I put these?

How's this?

- Don't, don't, don't do.

Oh please, excuse me, sir.

May I take these chips back?

The man is a novice.

He's here with a tour.

(audience laughing)

- What do you want
me to do with these?

- Alright.

Do you see the guy down
at the end of the table?

The guy with the bow tie?

You bet against him.

The man is a popsicle.

Schneider's Law: Never bet on
a man who wears a midget tie.

(audience laughing)

- Craps! Double aces!

Line away, pay the don'ts.

- Do I know my popsicles?

- Hey, look at this, I won!

It's amazing!

- You think that's
amazing, what about me?

I still don't know whether I'm
in for an all-night crap game

or my wedding night.

- (sighing) Kid, no
matter how you cut it,

any wedding night is an
all-night crap shoot, alright?

(audience laughing)

- Yes, I know.

- But you did say,
you know you said that.

- Yes, yes, okay!

I did say that I'd
like a large wedding.

But nobody said we
had to upstage Lady Di.

(audience laughing)

- Believe me, darling, stemware
from Acme Rent-a-Party

is not going to upstage
the British empire.

- Why Rent-A-Party?

We have friends at Jerry's Jug.

They'd give us a discount.

But no, that was my
idea, so you changed it.

- I did not change
one idea of yours

that didn't have to be changed!

- Okay, then what about beer?

Some of Mark's friends
do like to drink beer.

- We are not gonna
have beer at my wedding!

- [Both] Oh!

- Did ya hear that, Julie?

Her wedding.

- Okay, what difference
does it make now?

Plan B is to use slot machines
rather than bridesmaids.

- Did ya hear that, Julie?

Plan B, my plan is Plan B.

Hers is Plan A.

- Now, Barbara, look.

You gotta admit
it is a little weird

to get married at
4:00 in the morning.

- Weird?

You're calling me weird?

The girl who used to run
away from home every 10 days?

The girl who spent
all of high school

in the principal's office?

The girl who drank ink?

(audience laughing)

- Just that one time.

(audience laughing)

Now listen, Barbara, all...

- You're on her side, aren't ya?

- I am not on anybody's side.

And I don't think
you should be yelling

in front of my child.

(audience laughing)

Now, look, both of you.

Can't you just sit
down and talk this out

in a calm, rational manner?

Come on, Mom.

- Rational?

I'm getting rational from a
daughter who had a wedding

in the middle of the
winter in the park

and got married to her best man?

You're telling me rational?

(audience laughing)

- Nothing ever changes, does it?

- What?
- It never changes.

You're giving her all
your attention again.

- I am paying extraordinary
attention to you,

my darling baby.

We're examining how a person
can disappoint so many people

and ruin so many
plans on a childish whim.

- No, isn't it more like what
right does a mother have

to push her overblown
plans on her daughter?

- Stop it, Barbara.

(audience groaning)

- That was your
grandmother swearing.

(audience laughing)

- Come on, eight!

Big eight!

Eighter from Decatur.

44 the hard way!

Give me a three and a five,
let me know you're alive, huh?

- You are embarrassing me.

(audience laughing)

- What happened to me?

I always stand on
my own two feet.

I'm putting myself
through dental school.

I was always an independent guy.

What happened?

- Eight a winner,
pay the easy eight.

- Oh, alright!

- Pay the line, take the don'ts.

- Whoo, we win again, Schneider.

That's 50 bucks and
betting on the guy

with the Belafonte suit.

- You see what I mean?

I'm down here while up
there the trilateral commission

is deciding my fate.

- Yeah, right.

Okay, what do we do now, Dwayne?

- Well, what we do now
is we get off that guy.

- Get off him?

What are you talking about?

The guy's hot, he's made
three passes in a row.

- I know that, but his wife
just walked over to him,

and whenever that happens,
it's arrivederci, money,

past tense, finale,
finito, get off.

(audience laughing)

- Bet against him?

- Absolutely, here we go!

- I mean, who do
they think they are,

kicking me out of my own room?

- I know, it could
be a civil action.

(audience laughing)

- We're out on
five, five's the point!

- Treated me like
an eight-year-old.

Mark, go to the casino.

You know what I'm saying?

- Yeah, it was like you
were banished or burnished

or something.

(audience laughing)

- Seven out, line away, pay
the don'ts, and last comes.

- Whoo, alright! (laughing)

Beautiful, we win again.

Schneider, you're a genius.

- I tell ya, if the mob
finds out about us,

we could be in trouble.


- Yeah, there's gonna
be some trouble.

I'm gonna go right back upstairs

and straighten
this out right now.

- Where's he going?

- I don't know, I think he's
gonna get a bite to eat.

(audience laughing)

- You know, what
really gets me, Barbara,

is your thoughtlessness.

I mean, you really should
have some consideration

for other people, but no.

Your mother has to
take your apple cores

out of the clothes hamper.

- I was seven years old!

(audience laughing)

You already spanked
me for it, and anyway,

they were not my apple
cores, they were Julie's.

- What?

- Go ahead, admit it.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I guess it wouldn't
hurt to admit it now.

(audience laughing)

- I don't believe this.

- Believe what?

- Us.

We have argued about everything,

from cathedrals to apple cores.

There is really nothing
left to argue about.


- It's not funny, damn it.

- That was your Auntie
Barbara speaking.

(audience laughing)

Oh, this wedding is
making us all crazy!

- Amen (laughing).

- Oh, it doesn't break
the record, though.

Three days before I was
supposed to marry your father,

I got so mad at my mother
that I locked her in the basement

and nailed the door shut.

(audience laughing)

It's true.

Daddy had to chop the door down.

- You never told us that.

- Would you have told you that?

(audience laughing)

Oh, heavens.

Come on, time's a wastin'.

Let's get us down to
the ol' Lucky Seven

and get you married.

- You mean that?

- You love him, I love
him, let's marry the guy.

(audience laughing)

- Barbara, look at it this way.

It doesn't really matter
where you get married.

50 years from now when
you and Mark drop by

to take Mom out for some sun,

(audience laughing)

she'll just be glad
you're happily married.

- Take Mom out for some sun?

(audience laughing)

- I don't want to
get married here.

- You don't, really?

- No, there were only
two reasons why I did.

One, I was mad at you, and
we're sitting on the other one.

(audience laughing)

Mom, I was ready to call
off this stupid ceremony

until you told
me to call it off.

I've always wanted
a big, fancy wedding.

- Then you would be
dumb not to have it.

But there is something
I ought to tell you.

I've canceled everything.
- No!

- We have to start from scratch.

(audience laughing)

- No, wait a second,
no, that is good news.

That's good news.

- But why?

- Because that'll give us a
chance to agree on something.

- (laughing) Not necessarily.

- Alright, all of you.

I am going to talk, and
you are going to listen.

- Mark, we've...

- Barbara, I have had it up to
here with this whole problem.

Now, I am all for
equality and all that,

but at some point, someone
has got to make a decision.

And since I've got just as
much at stake as anybody in this,

it's gonna be me.

I am going to tell you exactly
what is best for both of us.

We are going back
to Indianapolis,

and we are going to
have a whopping, big,

traditional wedding
like we wanted,

just like we planned
in the first place.

And if anybody in
this room doesn't like it,

they don't have to be there.

Okay, Barbara?

- Oh, yes, Mark.

(audience laughing)

- Annie?

- Anything you say, Mark.

(audience laughing)

- Good.

Well, I'm glad that's settled.

It just needed someone
to take charge, that's all.

(audience laughing)

You know, maybe it's true.

Men are better at
making decisions.

- Mah...
- Mom!

(audience applauding)

("One Day at a Time"
closing theme music)