One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 7, Episode 21 - Vegas: Part 1 - full transcript

♪ This is it ♪ This is it

♪ This is life the one you get

♪ So go and have
a ball ♪ This is it

♪ This is it

♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured

♪ You can't be sure at all

♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view

♪ Keep on doin' what you do

♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet

♪ Somewhere
there's music playin'

♪ Don't you worry now

♪ We'll just take
it like it comes

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da da da da

♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time

♪ One day at a
time ♪ Da da da da

♪ One day at a time

- Hi, Judy, this
is Alex Handris,

we met yesterday
in the cafeteria

when you reached over my
shoulder to get the custard

and right away I kinda thought
we were made for each other.

In fact, I thought
about you all night

and I'd love to go on the hay
ride with you this weekend.

I'm sure we'd have a
terrific time, what do you say?


Can you tell her I
called, Mrs. Walters?

(audience laughs)

Thank you.


Uh huh, great.

Oh, god.

- Barbara, I'm gonna tell ya,

if we're gonna do a
big wedding let's do it.

- Mom, doing it doesn't
mean going totally overboard.

We can do it by
just serving lamb

we don't have to
serve Cornish hen too.

(Ann groans)

- Hello.

- Hi Alex, honey, really trust
me, I know what I'm doing.

- Where have you been
it's almost 7:30, I'm starving.

- Dinner.

I don't know what I'm doing.

Alex, I'm sorry, we've
been running all day

and we've just
been at the caterers.

- Caterers!

Ms. R you didn't
have to do that.

A submarine sandwich
and an orange soda

woulda just been fine.

(audience laughs)

- Would you believe
the wedding caterers?

- Is that still on?

Ha ha, I'm only kidding.

How's it coming?

- Well, the way I figure
with eight more weeks

til the wedding, we should
rack up enough debts

to qualify for foreign aid.

- Barbara, when did you
get to be such a worrier?

Come on, lighten up, relax!

- Mom, at 17.50 a
plate times 150 people

in the Crystal Room
how can you relax?

- 17.50?

- A plate?!

(audience laughs)

- Oh, great, the bridal
consultant to the rescue.

- $17.50 a plate, I'm tellin' ya

they saw you two ladies comin'.

- Honey, come on, I told you
there's nothing to worry about

you know your dad's kicking in.

- Ms. Romano I just got a flash!

Let's hold little Barbara's
wedding down at a the lodge!

- Oh, a little Barbara
appreciates the offer but...

- I am telling ya we have some
wonderful soirees down there,

I mean just last week
Harry DeCabioma

celebrated his 20th
wedding anniversary

in our Mickey Spillane room.

I mean $3.50 a head,
he got soup and juice.

He got cold cuts and
a lovely Jello mold.

(audience laughs)

In the shape of Dolly Parton.

- Thanks, Schneider.

- Didn't last two minutes.

- Schneider everything
is already planned.

I mean next stop is the
florist, the printers, the band.

- The poor house.

- Barbara, for once in
my life I would like you

to do something
without cutting corners.

And besides, Julie
married Max in a park

in between a baseball
diamond and a horseshoe pit.

This time I really
want to do it right.

- But mom just because
Julie and Max got married...

- Hey, look, ah!

Can we not worry about
the wedding just for tonight?




- Deal, deal.

- [Ann] Thank you, thank you.

- Hi.
- Hi, sweetheart.

- Mm, sorry I'm late.

- Hiya handsome.
- Hi.

- You're just in time
to change the subject.

So, how was your day?

- Oh, like always,
I washed my truck.

I went to school.

I won a trip for
two to Las Vegas.

Oh, I ate lunch at this
new hamburger joint.

- What?!

- Yeah, I had about the
best chili burger I've ever had.

- No, no!

I heard trip to Vegas!

- Oh that, yeah
yeah, I won a trip

for two to Las
Vegas this weekend.

- What kind of a
hamburger joint?

(audience laughs)

- Mark, are you kidding around?

- Are, he's not kidding!

And we're the two?

Oh my, fantastic!!

- That is great!

How did you win?

- Well the American
Dental Association's holding

a convention for new
techniques so the top student

in our class goes to
Vegas to take notes.

- Well, top student
in the class,

that's terrific, I
am proud of you.

- I finished third.

(audience laughs)

See there's this bad
flu bug going around,

but I'm first among
the survivors.

(audience laughs)

- What's the weather like
in Vegas, what do I take?

- Just a minute there
miss what do I take?

What do I take indeed.

All right I think your mother
has some advice for ya

Barbara, go ahead Ms.
Romano, you better tell her.

- I'd take a couple
of sweaters I hear

it gets really chilly
there at night.

- You see, nobody's trying to,

it gets chilly at night?

That's all you're
gonna tell her?

- No, there's more.

Have a nice trip.

- Ms. Romano, do you
have any idea what red velour

wallpaper does to
mid-western glands?

(audience laughs)

Have you ever seen
those rooms in Vegas?

The paintings are
nothing but nubile women

feeding skinless
grapes to supine men.

- Schneider, we're
staying in separate rooms.

- I don't care if you're
in separate hotels,

when it comes to naked grapes

it doesn't make any difference!

All right now, I mean
you're in Las Vegas,

things can happen.

Why do you think there's
desert all around that place?

- I don't know, why?

- Because nobody ever leaves
their rooms to water anything!

(audience laughs)

- Schneider, please,
we're not children.

- That's exactly
my point, you're not.

All right, made my
case, made my case.

I mean there's only
so far that you can take

the superintendent
apartment dweller relationship.

Besides, at this
moment (clears throat)

I think you're mother has
reconsidered her position

and she is about to make

an important
pronouncement, Ms. Romano.

- Yes, Schneider, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Barbara darling, would you
bring me back a bunch of those

skinless grapes and a
couple of supine men?

(Barbara laughs)

- Here we are, sir.

Pretty nice room, huh?

- Yeah.

- Uh hey, you're
lady friend next door,

she gonna be a dentist too?

- Well next best thing,
she's engaged to one.

- Hey, (laughs) that's nice.

I hope you two
don't bump into him.

(phone rings)

- Hello?

Well, hello, how are you?

Long time no see.

When did you get into town?

- Oh, about an hour ago.

Are you traveling alone?

- No can you believe it I'm
stuck here with my fiance.

- Oh, that's too bad.

- Yeah.

- Because I really
wanted to see you.

Sure you can't slip
away for just a little while?

- I can't, she watches
me like a hawk.

(audience laughs)

- Too bad because I
really wanted to see you.

I mean really.


Ho boy am I embarrassed.

How are you?

- Absolutely fascinated.

(audience laughs)

- Uh, uh, thank you.

- Oh, oh hey.

(laughs) Thank you.

Uh if you folks need room
service you just dial eight.

Or two fours.

(audience laughs)


Oh, ha ha ha!

Welcome to Las Vegas.

- Thanks.

(door closes)

- Oh, what a hick.

10 minutes in the hotel
and already the staff knows

there's a hick on the loose.

- Are you kidding, they
just put it up on the marquee.

See Don Rickles and Lola Falana

and in the lounge,
Barbara the hick.

- What's that for?

- Well Don Rickles
wasn't available.

(phone rings)

- Hello?

(phone rings)

Oh, (laughs) hello?

Oh, hi mom, is
everything all right?

- Hi Annie, Barbara's in my room

and we're on the
bed fooling around.

- Stop.

(audience laughs)

No mom, mom, I know
you called my room

but see the phone
is in his room,

never mind, what's the problem?

Mom, no mom, that's ridiculous.

No the Crystal Room
will be big enough

we can just squeeze a few
extra people at each table.

Well if you don't want my
opinion, why did you call?

Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

Yeah mom, okay
we'll talk about it later.

Okay fine, and try to
calm down will up please?

Thank you, goodbye.

- What's happened now?

- Nothing, I don't
wanna talk about it.

- Okay fine.

- Part of the room we booked
may have to be changed

because of renovations
and we may lose five tables

and my mom is acting like
the Titanic hit an iceberg,

and your father
had the right idea.

- What idea?

He's on a business
trip to Alaska.

- That's the right idea.

(audience laughs)

- Will you stop worrying?

Your mother is a
very capable lady

and she knows exactly what
she wants and how to get it.

- Yeah, but what
about what I want?

And what you want?

- Well I want what you want.

What do you want?

(audience laughs)

- What I want, it's very simple.

All I want (giggles),
you had to ask

such a tough question, right?

- That's what we
dentists do we find

a tender spot and probe.

- Oh, Mark, when I was
growing up my mother and I

would talk about my wedding.

We would say it was
gonna be a big wedding, big.

That's all we'd say.

Who knew her idea of
big was something out of

Better Homes and Coronations?

- Barbara you're gonna
be home in two days,

you can worry
about all that then.

But right now you risk
ruining two astounding days

with a very exciting
guy who's gonna

show you the time of your life.

- Okay, where do we start?

- At the convention center!

Dr. Ackerman is
giving a lecture on

the coming revolution
in oral hygiene.

- Oh, sounds fascinating.

Well you take good notes and
I'll read them when I get back

from the coming
revolution in slot machines.

(laughs) Gambling
gambling gambling.

(door slams)

- Hi Barb!

It's me, Wayne Newton!

(audience laughs)

♪ Danke shoen,
darling danke shoen


- (screams) Oh, don't
ever do that again!

What are you...
- Barb it's just me!

- I coulda had a heart attack!

How would that look
if I had a heart attack

in your room in my bathrobe?

- Never mind the fancy
footwork just tell me

what you were doing
in my hotel room.

Searching for some compromising
correspondence, huh?

Rifling through my sock drawer?

Talk, damn you!

We have ways of making you talk.

- All right, would you buy
that I was using your shower

because it has a stronger spray?

- I'll buy that.

It's boring, but I'll but it.

Aw, Barb, tell me
something exciting.

You're looking at a guy
who spent three hours

taking notes on
molars and bicuspids.

- Exciting?

You want exciting?

- Yeah.

- Okay, I gambled
for the first time

in my entire life and I won.

- Great, how much?

- Well let's see um, at
one machine I won $15,

at another machine I won 10.

I came this close to
winning the $500 jackpot,

it was unbelievable!

- Well how much
did you win overall?

- Overall?

Overall, overall I lost $12.

But that's only
because my shoulder

started to hurt
and I lost my touch.

- Oh that's called
Vegas shoulder.

- Oh, Mark, that feels great.

- Yeah this is one
of the fringe benefits

of marrying a man who
works with his hands.

- Oh, that's perfect.

Now the left side.

- Okay, how's that?

- Mm, perfect, now the right.

Mm, that's even better.

Now the left.



Mark we're never gonna
last seven and a half weeks.

- I'm not gonna
last the weekend.

(audience laughs)

- Let's just um,
do something else.

Talk, why don't we talk, okay?

- Yeah, great great, fine.

- Okay.

- Fine.

- Um, so tell me, how
was your seminar?

Tell me something you learned.

- Uh, bondage.

I mean bonding!

(audience laughs)

Bonding yeah.

Bonding is the new
alternative to capping teeth.

You had enough?

- No, really, go
on I want to know.

- All right but say when.

You see bonding costs less
than capping because it's easier.

There's no drilling
or anesthetic,

and you can do
several teeth in one visit.

- No kidding.

- Yeah, and um, (clears throat),

what you do is you put a
thin coat of liquid plastic

to seal the tooth and then
you apply the special paste

in thin layers that
match the tooth

and then you mold
it to proper shape.

- Uh-huh.

- Yeah and then you
expose each layer

to uh, about 20
seconds of ultraviolet light

or visible light beams
causing a reaction.

(audience laughs)

That, uh.


Barbara, do you know
what you're doing?

- Mm-hmm.

- Yes you certainly do.

(audience laughs)

But Barbara before
this goes any further,

honey you always said
how important it was to ya

to save this moment
for your wedding night.

- I know.

- You sure you want
to throw all that away

just because we can't wait
seven and a half weeks?

- Look, maybe we're not supposed

to wait seven and a half weeks.

Maybe it's fate.

- I'm warning you.

I'm gonna be very
easy to convince.

(audience laughs)

- Maybe it is fate.

- Hm.

- Fate that you're here with me.

Fate that you won this trip.

Fate that I was in
there washing my hair

when you came back
from your seminar.

- It does have
a nice ring to it.

(audience laughs)

- Mark, I've waited all
my life for the right man

and the right moment.

They're both here.

- Okay, that does it.

- What are you doing?

- I'm getting the cards.

- But I don't, were you
listening to what I just said?

(audience laughs)

- You say you believe in fate.

Let's put it to the test.

We're in Las Vegas,
let's cut the cards.

(audience laughs)

- I don't know anything about
cards, what do you mean?

- It's easy.

You get the high
card, it's fate.

I get it, it's seven
and a half weeks.


- Okay, fair.

- Any second thoughts?

- I love you, but that
was my first thought.

Just tell me something,
what are you hoping for?

- There's no
hoping, it's up to fate.

Okay, ha,

a jack ha ha.

Well, Barb, seven and a half
weeks isn't that long. (sighs)

- Wait a second do
I get a turn or not?

(audience laughs and applauds)

- You'd better have the
card to back up that look.

- Queen.

- A queen.

That's a very
good card, a queen.

(audience laughs)

- Beats a jack I think.

- In most cases.

- You're not gonna
welch are you?

- A Royer never welches.

- Oh good, now, where were we?

- I don't know but maybe
it'll come back to me.

You got a joker!

Barbara you didn't pick a
queen you picked a joker!

(audience laughs)

Don't you know the difference?

- I guess I just saw
what I wanted to see.

- But then again some
people play jokers are wild.

(audience laughs and applauds)

(phone rings)

- Ha ha.

- (sighs) Ha ha.

- Hello?

Hi, mom.

- Now we're talking fate.

- Darling, here's the latest.

Remember the first
room we looked at,

downtown, you know for the
wedding reception downtown

at the old Churchill hotel?

- The Skylark room
(giggling), Mark!

- Honey.

I know you're out
there in neon neon land

but try to stick with
me on this okay?

Now I think that the Skylark
room is really the best one.

I mean it is a little older
but it has lots of charm

and I don't know
there's plenty of room.

What do you think?

- Fine.

- That's all?


- Well mom, does it
really matter what I think?

- Darling, it's getting a
little dark on this thing

so why don't we talk
now and pout later, okay?

- Pout!

I am not pouting, I
just wish once in awhile

you'd listen to my opinion.

- Honey, I'm listening.

Now, my opinion is the
Crystal room will be a very tight

squeeze and we should go with

the other one
before it's too late.

What is your opinion?

- My opinion is let's book it.

- I don't want to
steam roll you Barbara.

If you don't agree then
tell me that you don't agree.

- Mom, you're not
steam rolling me, really.

Anyway, you're
closer to the problem,

I'm out here in neon neon land.

- Okay, so it's
the Skylark room.

Going going gone.

See you later, darling.

Have fun, bye bye.

- Bye bye.

Well there we go,
mom strikes again.

- Well I guess that takes
the salt out of the shaker.


- I'll meet you down there.

(sighs deeply)

- [Woman] Paging Erica
Palmer, Erica Palmer.

Don Robertson, Don Robertson.

- Just touch me up
Freddy, I'll settle for a five.

Does that look
like a five to you?

(audience laughs)

- That does not
look like a five.

- [Woman] Paging
Barrie Belafonte.

- That is what
a five looks like.

(audience laughs)

- You guys know each
other or something?

- No.

Thanks, dad.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, woo!

You're bringing
me good luck, cutie!

- Yeah he is a little on
the cute side isn't he?

- Hi Barbara.

- Ah, terrific!

The wife is here.

- Fiance.

- Congratulations honey.

- Yeah all the best sweetheart,

we'll throw you a bridal shower

but right now we're
playing cards, okay?

- Fun game.

- It is when you win.

- Mark how much are
those chips down there?

- Oh these are five
dollars and these are 25.

- Are you crazy?

- Barbara, we're winning.

- I don't care
we can't afford it!

How much are we winning?

- $450, how does that grab ya?

- $450, in front
to you is $450?!

- I know.

- She picks up fast doesn't she?

(audience laughs)

- I can't believe it, I
can't believe it, $450!

- I'm afraid to leave this seat.

- We can put it
towards our honeymoon.

- I'll tell you
what, I'll chip in

a couple of hundred
myself if you go now.

(audience laughs)

- Mark, don't you think
you've had enough?

- Barbara, I can't leave now.

- Oh, all right.

You know what's best.

- So just relax.

We're playing with their money.

- [Woman] Donna Strauss.

- Now it's their money,
what happened?

- He got a blackjack, 21.

Well you can't win
'em all, Barbara.

- Brilliant, can I use that?

- Come on hon, let's go okay?

- Okay but not until I
see you play one hand.

- Oh, no forget it I can't play.

- Oh come on, one
hand and we'll go.

Besides I have a theory.

Beginners are always lucky.

- Another pearl.

- I don't know how to play.

- Here honey, try
this one on for size.

- Oh no you don't!

That seat is taken.

I'm changing my luck.

- Geez.

Okay, one hand.

What do I do?

- Here.

You're all set.

- Okay.

- Don't look now sweetheart,

but you're sitting in
the Nevada triangle.

(audience laughs)

- What's this?

- Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

- What happened?

- What happened she asks?

- You got blackjack,
I told you you'd win.

- My blackjack.

(audience laughs)

- Is that all there is to it?

- Yeah, silly game, isn't it?

- Had enough?

- No, no, let's just play
one more hand, this is fun.

- [Woman] Barbara
Cooper, Barbara Cooper.

- Did you hear that?

- What?

- Someone called your name.

- Don't be silly.

- [Woman]
Dr. Lennox, Dr. Lennox.

Mr. Paul Anka, Mr. Paul Anka.

Barbara Cooper, Barbara Cooper.

- See?

- Is this some sort of joke?

- It's no joke,
someone's paging you.

- The phones are all
by the front desk, honey.

- Thank you.

- You want me to go with you?

- No, that's okay
just save my seat.

- I don't know if you and
Diamond Lil know this pal

but there's gambling
now in Atlantic City.

- Correct me if I'm wrong,

you don't like the people,
you're losing constantly,

you're miserable, so
why don't you just pick up

and move to another spot?

- I can't.

This is my lucky table.

(audience laughs)

- [Woman] Paging Sherry Wanburg.

- Honey, I've been
playing for you,

you won $95,000.

- Ugh, who cares, Mark
I've had enough let's go.

- What's wrong now?

- Nothing, everything's
fine, it was just my mother.

- Oh, well, sit down
and play another hand,

you're on a streak.

- No, really, I don't
want to play anymore.

Can we just go, please?

- Oh, what a shame!

She's breaking up
that old gang of mine.

(audience laughs)

- Could you change these please?

- We settled on the
Skylark room, right?

Well now she finds
out if we take the room

we have take the house band.

She doesn't like the house
band so she canceled the room.

Back to square one again,

how do people
survive these things?

- Do you want a sip
of my drink honey?

- Oh, no thank you, I'm fine.

No wonder the
wedding announcements

are on the same
page as obituaries.

- Honey you are
talking to a veteran.

I have been to
the post six times.

And let me tell you, the
best wedding I ever had

was a no frills special
right here in this town.

10 minutes of I dos and
then right to the honeymoon.

- We'll just cash these
in and grab a bite to eat?

- No wait a second,
I want to talk to uh...

- Jill.

- Jill, Jill.
- Uh-huh.

- Where was it that
you said this place was?

- Well there's the
Lucky Seven Chapel.

- I hate to break this up girls

but do you mind if I get a card?

(audience laughs)

(upbeat happy music)

(phone rings)

- Hello?

Oh hi, Barbara, look I was
just doing some fast figuring

and I was.

Yes darling I know
you're getting married.

In Las Vegas?

At 4:30 in the morning?

At the Lucky Seven
Wedding Chapel?

(audience laughs)


- [Narrator] Be sure
to watch next week

for the conclusion of Vegas.

(audience applauds)

(upbeat happy music)