One Day at a Time (1975–1984): Season 7, Episode 2 - Airport - full transcript
While waiting for Ann at the airport, Schneider, Babara and Alex all have run-ins with the opposite sex.
♪ This is it ♪This
is it ♪ This is life
♪ The one you get ♪
So go and have a ball
♪ Well this it ♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time ♪ La la la la
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at at time
♪ One day at a
time ♪ La la la la
♪ One day at a time
- [Airline attendant]
Flight 152 for Kansas City
is now boarding
at gate number five.
- I hope mom's plane
hasn't arrived yet.
- Look, I got us here
as fast as I could.
One minute faster, why I
would've broke my all-time record.
- Yeah, one minute slower
and you wouldn't
have gotten the ticket.
- I knew I should have driven.
- Yeah, so what's
the flight number, 18?
- Twelve.
- Three.
(audience laughs)
- It's flight 12, gate 33.
- Wait a second, wait a second.
I want to see how this ends.
- [Barbara] Come on.
(audience laughs)
- You know, the
airport's really interesting,
sort of symbolic of
man on the moon.
- Excuse me, has flight 12
from Cleveland landed yet?
- Yes, it has, but unfortunately,
it landed in Columbus.
(audience laughs)
- Was it hijacked?
- To Columbus?
- No, no, actually
what happened is,
the flight ran into
some bad weather,
and it had to be
diverted to Columbus.
(Dwayne chuckles)
- I remember I was
diverted in Columbus once.
(audience laughs)
- How long will it be there?
- We're not sure.
(Schneider chuckles)
three sisters, they
said their names
were Nina, Pinta, and Maria.
(audience laughs)
- Why don't you folks have
a seat or get some coffee?
If we hear anything, I'll
be sure to let you know.
- Thank you.
- Am I late for
flight number 12?
- No, they ran into a storm
and had to land in Columbus.
- Oh, good, I thought
I was going to be late.
- Yeah, so did we.
He said he'd tell us as
soon as he heard anything.
- Thanks.
- Anytime.
I'm going to get a magazine.
- I think I'll just cruise
around and see if I can
offer some aid to some
lonesome travelettes.
- I'll go with you.
- Alex, the man
needs operating room.
(Schneider chuckles)
(audience laughs)
- I, uh, suppose you're
all out of War and Peace.
(audience laughs)
- Hard cover or paperback?
- Do you permit browsing?
- I'm over 21.
(Schneider hums)
(audience laughs)
- Hi.
- Hi.
Alex, no!
- What's the matter?
- You just had dessert,
that candy's no good for you.
Go get yourself a
magazine, come on.
- [Airline attendant] Arriving
passenger, Mr. Johnson,
please come to the
white courtesy telephone.
(audience laughs)
- It's a lovely necklace.
(audience laughs)
(Alex laughs)
- Schneider, I'm just
getting a magazine.
- Not this magazine, you're not.
Go buy a candy bar.
- Barbara just said.
Being 12 is not easy.
- She's gonna wind
up with back problems.
(audience laughs)
- Hi.
- Oh, hi again.
- Look, I usually
don't come over
and start talking
to strange women,
well, not that you're
strange, but, you see,
I was over there reading
my book, and I saw you.
Well, actually I saw you
before over there, over there.
I want you to know that
I'm not a wacko or anything,
but I just had to tell you that
you're the most beautiful
girl I've ever seen,
and now that I did,
I'm going to go back
and read my book, thank you.
(audience laughs)
- Welcome. (chuckles)
And I usually don't
talk to strange men,
but you're not bad
looking yourself.
- Ah, I'm glad you think so.
Do you want to sit down?
- No.
(audience laughs)
I can't believe I did that.
- Pardon me, I think
it's my move, hi.
- Hi, once again.
- My name is Steve Smith.
- Smith?
- Oh hey, I can prove that.
It's my social
security, credit card.
That's a picture of my dog.
- Your dog has a beard.
- That's my drivers license.
(audience laughs)
- You don't have a beard.
- Well, I did then.
- You look better without one.
- Thanks, now, you're
turn, who are you?
You know, a guy
can't be too careful.
(Barbara giggles)
- My name is Barbara Cooper.
I never had a beard,
and I was once runner up
in the Indianapolis
hula-hoop contest.
- Oh, great, you know,
I never met a
hula-hooper I didn't like.
Hi, Barbara.
- Hi, Steve.
What do you do?
- I sell insurance.
- Oh, boy, that's exciting.
- Hey, don't knock it.
When you die, you'll
be glad to have it.
- Someone else will be.
- Very unusual flavor.
- Pina colada, can't
keep it on the shelf.
- I bet you're a Gemini.
- Aquarius.
- Aquarius, well, they're
brothers, you know.
(audience laughs)
- What are you?
- Torus, the bull.
How does that grab you?
- After work, I hope.
(audience laughs)
- Not so fast, I mean, I haven't
even started my pitch yet.
You're missing a
lot of interesting stuff.
- I'm going to look around, Mom.
- Fine, I'll be in the
waiting room, honey.
- [Airline attendant]
Mr. Ward Dale,
please report to
the ticket counter.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Are you waiting for somebody
or are you catching a plane?
- I'm observing man on the move.
- Me too, small world, huh?
- Right.
- My name is
Stephanie, what's yours?
- Alex.
- What?
- Alex Handris, look,
if you don't mind,
I'm trying to read
this magazine.
(Stephanie laughs)
- Oh, do you always
read Mademoiselle?
(audience laughs)
- I'm taking French, okay?
(audience laughs)
- Okay, did anyone
ever tell you,
you look a lot like
John Travolta?
You have the same sexy eyes.
- Shh, would you cut it out?
People can hear you.
- Sorry I bothered you.
- Look, you didn't bother me.
I hardly noticed you.
- Okay now, let
me get this straight.
This is very important stuff.
You hate lima beans,
love the Detroit Lions.
You vote Democratic, you
have no current boyfriends.
You milked a cow
once, you like to ski.
- Wait a second, who said
anything about no
current boyfriend?
- Well, you did, didn't you?
- No, I never said that.
- Oh, then you do
have a boyfriend?
- No, I never said that either.
Do you have a girlfriend?
- You're changing
the subject and I did.
Well, we broke up.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, I'm not, after six
months of discussing
why the previous six
months were no good,
she finally told me we
weren't right for each other.
Her exact words
were, "You're boring."
(Barbara laughs)
- What did you do?
- I cried a lot, then I laughed
'cause all that crying
was shrinking my ties.
(audience laughs)
- Well, I guess a guy with
short ties can't be all bad.
- What about you, has
anyone ever broke your heart?
- Oh, yeah, just once.
- What did he do?
- He fell for Sally Field.
- Can I ask you a
personal question?
- Yeah.
- How old are you?
- No.
- Okay.
(Barbara laughs)
I won't press it.
Who was president
when you were born?
- Lincoln.
(Steve chuckles)
- You're not going to tell
me how old you are, are you?
- She's 19.
- 20, Steve, bigmouth
here is Alex Handris.
He lives with me.
- I thought you said you
didn't have a boyfriend.
- Oh, don't worry,
it's strictly planatonic.
(audience laughs)
- Uh, platonic.
- Whatever.
- What can we do for you?
- Um, it's kind of personal.
- Oh, okay, excuse me.
- [Airline attendant] Officer
Platowski to Security, please.
- I want to know if
I have sexy eyes.
(audience laughs)
- What?
- Oh, it's that dumb girl
over there, she said I did.
She just came up to me
and started to talk to me.
She's really strange.
(Barbara laughs)
Why can't people
leave you alone?
- Well, you know, you
don't have to talk to her.
- You bet I don't.
Maybe I'll go over there
and tell her to leave me alone.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I wish that plane
would hurry, I'm starving.
- Me too, look, why don't I
get us some hamburgers?
- Oh, no, that wasn't a hint.
- Well, who cares,
it's a good idea.
- No, no, really,
I'm not hungry.
- You said you were staved.
- But that doesn't
mean I'm hungry.
When you're starving,
you're past the point of hunger.
- Huh?
- Look, let's just forget it,
I don't want to eat, okay?
- All I said is I'll get
you a hamburger.
It doesn't obligate you
to do anything immoral.
- I'm sorry, it's just
a thing with me.
I don't like to eat
on a first date.
I mean, not that this is
a first date or anything.
Look, whatever it
is we're having here,
I don't want to eat, okay?
- You don't eat, well, that
doesn't make any sense.
- Yes, it does to girls,
you wouldn't understand.
- Try me, I'm very patient.
- Oh, come on, this
is really embarrassing.
Okay, I'll tell you.
When you meet an attractive guy,
you don't like him
to see you chew.
(audience laughs)
You know, get
lettuce in your teeth.
- Hm, attractive, huh?
- Can you just get
me a cup of tea?
- Okay, one double cheeseburger
with everything for me,
french fries, pie a la mode,
and a cup of tea for you.
- [Barbara] Steve?
- [Steve] Yeah?
- Can you make that two double
cheeseburgers and a blindfold?
- Hold the lettuce.
- [Airline attendant]
Mr. Thompson, please report
to the paging center
for a message.
- Who was that?
- Steve.
- Steve who?
- Smith.
- Steve Smith.
(audience laughs)
I know him, patron
saint of motels.
(audience laughs)
Barbara, you've
got to be careful.
- Oh, Schneider,
I think I'm in love.
(audience applauds)
- What are you talking about?
What do you mean,
you think you're in love?
I mean, you just met this guy.
- He said I was the most
beautiful girl he'd ever seen.
- You gonna go for
a dumb line like that?
(audience laughs)
- Schneider.
- Come on, now,
you know you're not
supposed to talk to
strange guys in airports.
They're only interested
in one thing, hit and fly.
(audience laughs)
- Come on!
- Normal guys don't
hang around airports
at night hittin'
on young ladies.
- Hi, Torus.
- Wah.
(audience laughs)
- Hiya, there, Aquarius.
- I'm on a break so we
can have that coffee now.
Get to know each other.
- Yeah, I'll see you in the
coffee shop in a minute.
- I'll be counting
the seconds, Spider.
- Schneider.
(audience laughs)
It's different, you
see me, it's different.
In this case, I am the
hitter, but you are the hitee.
(audience laughs)
- Sure, Spider.
(audience laughs)
- Look, your mother
is out of town,
so, I mean, I'm
responsible for you.
Now, you're just
a kid, all right.
When that guy gets back,
I'm gonna straighten him out.
- Dear, sweet Schneider,
I appreciate your
loving care and concern,
but if you say
one word to Steve,
I'll shove that chair
right up your nose.
(audience laughs)
- I ain't afraid of you.
- Schneider, your hot
coffee date is waiting.
- All right, one scream
out of you, and that guy is
gonna be the next thing
flying out of this airport.
(audience laughs)
I think I'll get some of that
pina colada, turns her on.
(audience laughs)
- [Airline attendant]
Final call, flight 57
for Baltimore now
boarding at gate eight.
All passengers holding confirmed
seats should be on board.
Attention, please,
attention please,
departure of flight
number 212 for Omaha.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, look, you
dropped your candy bar.
- Oh, that's not mine.
- It's not?
It's on the floor
right beside you.
Here, you might as well have it.
- I don't want a candy
bar that's been on the floor.
(audience laughs)
- I paid 40 cents for that.
- If you wanted me to have it,
why didn't you
just give it to me?
- 'Cause you'd think I was
interested or something.
- I don't care if
you are or not.
- I don't care
either, I don't care.
You know, you look
a lot like Bo Derek.
(audience laughs)
That's right, make fun of me.
- Huh?
- Just because I'm
not as, as tall as she is,
you don't have to
make a joke out of it.
- I'm sorry, I didn't even
notice you're not tall.
- I don't like you.
- You know, you're
a very pretty lady,
and I really kind of enjoyed
our little conversation.
You have a coffee
break coming up?
- Well, just as soon as
the other girl gets back.
She's just meeting some
guy in the coffee shop.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider?
- Yeah, yeah?
- Can I talk to you?
- Yeah, okay, yeah.
- Over here?
- [Woman] Ooh.
- Schneider, you know
everything about women, right?
- Listen, nobody knows
everything about women,
but I probably know more
than anybody you'll ever meet,
so, go ahead, shoot,
what's the problem?
- Well, you see, I met this girl
named Stephanie and
I need some advice.
- How old is she?
- I don't know, about 12.
- Tough age.
- But what do I do?
- Well, when it comes to
women, there's only a few
basic rules you've
got to remember.
- Okay, what are they?
- Rule number one, you
have got to know your woman.
- Well, here's one
woman you ain't
gonna get to know, turkey, here.
- What's that?
- It's a check for
eight cups of coffee.
(audience laughs)
Wonder she was in such a hurry.
- Schneider, what do
I do about Stephanie?
- Well, buy her a gift,
pretend you're guilty,
and whatever you do,
don't keep her waiting.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi, hi.
- I'm free now.
- Okay.
- What's the second rule?
- Rule number two is
always have a backup system.
(audience laughs)
- The line was impossible
so I went to the machine.
We've got some root beer,
potato chips and apple turnovers.
(Barbara laughs)
- Thank god,
it's still junk food.
(Steve laughs)
- Can I ask you
something very important?
- Sure.
- Can you cook?
- Can you?
- Oh, it's gonna be one of
those relationships, huh?
- Well, I wouldn't
ask you to iron shirts.
- Oh well, we could
send those out.
- Yeah, I'll tell you a secret.
I cook, sew, clean, do
windows, and have a job.
- Would you be terribly upset
if I propose with my mouth full?
Sorry, I don't think I want
to kid about that, not with you.
- Come on, you're
embarrassing me.
- Sorry, I really
didn't mean to do that.
Do you want to have a baby?
(audience laughs)
- Yes, eventually.
- Boy or girl?
- Well, three of
each might be nice.
- Oh, six babies, huh?
- Well see, that's
just for openers.
- Well, I suppose we
should get married first.
- But how can we?
If the police catch
you with that truckload
of stolen hats, you're gonna
go to the slammer for sure.
- You know, you're right.
I should have left the
hats and taken the boots.
- Oh, but you had to
support your two wives.
- Oh, Bulla, I can't wait,
I want you right here.
- Oh, yes, right here.
- Animals!
(audience laughs)
- That wasn't very nice.
- Are you kidding, we
probably made her day.
- Probably.
- Barbara, would you like to go
to dinner with me
tomorrow night?
- Yeah, I'd love to.
- Six kids, how are we going
to have six kids on my income?
- Well, the normal
way might be fun.
(audience laughs)
- You're blushing.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
- I'm not, it's just I never
talked to a guy
like this before.
- I can't figure you.
Are you just flirting
with me, or what?
- What.
- [Airline attendant]
Last call for flight 18
now boarding at
gate number four.
(Schneider whistles)
(Schneider sneezes)
(audience laughs)
- Just want to remind
you, young lady,
that I can see everything
from the coffee shop,
and as for you, Tyrone,
thinking is free, talking is cheap,
but touching can be
injurious to your health.
Take it from the
old surgeon general.
(audience laughs)
- Who is that?
- Oh, I don't know, probably one
of those nuts that
hang around airports.
(audience laughs)
- Excuse me, how much is this?
- $32.50.
- Oh, well actually, I had
something smaller in mind.
- Uh, how much smaller?
- About $30 smaller.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, well, let's see
what we can do, okay?
- Here's a nice little
koala bear, $2.95.
- Gee, it's kind of small.
She couldn't hug it or anything.
- Honey, the idea is you give
it to her and she hugs you.
- Do you think she will?
- There's no guarantee.
- Okay, I'll take it.
- $3.07 with tax.
- I'm three cents short.
Do you have a
discount for veterans?
- Absolutely, take it.
- Thank you.
- [Airline attendant] Flight 486
from New York now arriving.
- Hi.
- What do you want?
- Look, I came
over to apologize.
You don't look
anything like Bo Derek.
I mean, I mean, you look
like you and I like that.
- Really?
- Uh-huh, here, I
bought you a present.
- Oh, I'm really not supposed
to take gifts from strange men.
- I'm a boy.
- [Stephanie] Right.
- Here.
- Oh, it's cute.
- You think so?
- Yes, I love it.
- Stephy.
- Daddy.
- Oh, I missed you
a whole lot, honey.
Here, this is for you.
- For me, oh,
dad, he's beautiful.
Bye, Alex.
(audience laughs)
- [Airline attendant] Attention
please, flight number 12
from Cleveland now
arriving at gate 33.
- That's us.
- Yeah, let's go.
Oh, do you have
any carry-on luggage
or did you check it all?
- Luggage?
- Yes, those things
we pack our clothes in.
- Why would I need luggage?
- Well, you're coming
on the plane, aren't you?
- No, you're waiting for one
of the passengers, aren't you?
- I am one of the passengers,
going to California the next
leg of the flight, aren't you?
- No, I thought you
lived in Indianapolis.
- No, California, I was
just here on business.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
- I don't believe this.
- I feel terrible, I.
- So do I, there
goes my free dinner.
- There go our kids.
- All six of them.
- Look, I'm really
going to miss you.
- Gonna miss you too.
- I come to Indianapolis
a couple times a year.
- Well, I'll give you my number.
- Oh well, have a business card.
My home phone is on it,
and if a woman should
answer, well, it's my mother.
(Barbara laughs)
- I'll call.
- So will I.
- Passengers on the
continuation of flight number 12,
now boarding at gate number 33.
- That's me.
- [Schneider] Hey, how
are you, Ms. Romano?
- Ah, Schneider, hi.
- So, how was your flight?
- Long, how's everything here?
- Well, one or two things
may need an explanation.
- Yeah, like what?
- Well, for openers, uh.
- Who's that?
- It's Barbara.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, Schneider,
the one kissing Barbara.
- Ooh, I hate women, here.
- Something I said?
- Oh, it was all Schneider's
dumb idea to give her the gift.
- What gift, what her?
- Now look, it's no my
fault you go out of town
and suddenly this guy
decides to go ahead and puber.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider, who is that
man who is kissing Barbara?
- It's a fella that
she met here tonight.
- Here tonight?
- I'm gonna become a priest.
- What?
- [Barbara] Hi, Mom.
- Hi, darling, hi,
who is that man?
- Oh, just a guy I met.
- Why a priest?
- He's a priest?
- No.
- No.
- I'm never gonna get
married, I hate girls.
- Come on, let's
go get your bags
- Right, Barbara, Alex,
wait, Schneider, what?
- Listen, I wouldn't worry
about it, Ms. Romano,
I'm pre, I'm certain everything
is gonna turn out all right.
Excuse me. (clears throat)
- Hi.
- Hi, Dottie.
- Oh, thanks.
- [Schneider] Yeah.
- Oh, listen, instead
of the bowling,
why don't we pick up some
wine and go over to my place?
(audience laughs)
- Wine, huh, sure, yeah.
Listen, there, Ms.
Romano, here's my keys.
You drive carefully
and, uh, so will I.
(audience laughs)
- And I thought landing
in Columbus was exciting.
Oh.
(audience applauds)
("This Is It")
(changes to dramatic music)
is it ♪ This is life
♪ The one you get ♪
So go and have a ball
♪ Well this it ♪ This is it
♪ Straight ahead
and rest assured
♪ You can't be sure at all
♪ So while you're
here enjoy the view
♪ Keep on doing what you do
♪ Hold on tight
we'll muddle through
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ So up on your
feet ♪ Up on your feet
♪ Somewhere
there's music playing
♪ Don't you worry none
♪ We'll just take
it like it comes
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at a
time ♪ La la la la
♪ One day at a time
♪ One day at at time
♪ One day at a
time ♪ La la la la
♪ One day at a time
- [Airline attendant]
Flight 152 for Kansas City
is now boarding
at gate number five.
- I hope mom's plane
hasn't arrived yet.
- Look, I got us here
as fast as I could.
One minute faster, why I
would've broke my all-time record.
- Yeah, one minute slower
and you wouldn't
have gotten the ticket.
- I knew I should have driven.
- Yeah, so what's
the flight number, 18?
- Twelve.
- Three.
(audience laughs)
- It's flight 12, gate 33.
- Wait a second, wait a second.
I want to see how this ends.
- [Barbara] Come on.
(audience laughs)
- You know, the
airport's really interesting,
sort of symbolic of
man on the moon.
- Excuse me, has flight 12
from Cleveland landed yet?
- Yes, it has, but unfortunately,
it landed in Columbus.
(audience laughs)
- Was it hijacked?
- To Columbus?
- No, no, actually
what happened is,
the flight ran into
some bad weather,
and it had to be
diverted to Columbus.
(Dwayne chuckles)
- I remember I was
diverted in Columbus once.
(audience laughs)
- How long will it be there?
- We're not sure.
(Schneider chuckles)
three sisters, they
said their names
were Nina, Pinta, and Maria.
(audience laughs)
- Why don't you folks have
a seat or get some coffee?
If we hear anything, I'll
be sure to let you know.
- Thank you.
- Am I late for
flight number 12?
- No, they ran into a storm
and had to land in Columbus.
- Oh, good, I thought
I was going to be late.
- Yeah, so did we.
He said he'd tell us as
soon as he heard anything.
- Thanks.
- Anytime.
I'm going to get a magazine.
- I think I'll just cruise
around and see if I can
offer some aid to some
lonesome travelettes.
- I'll go with you.
- Alex, the man
needs operating room.
(Schneider chuckles)
(audience laughs)
- I, uh, suppose you're
all out of War and Peace.
(audience laughs)
- Hard cover or paperback?
- Do you permit browsing?
- I'm over 21.
(Schneider hums)
(audience laughs)
- Hi.
- Hi.
Alex, no!
- What's the matter?
- You just had dessert,
that candy's no good for you.
Go get yourself a
magazine, come on.
- [Airline attendant] Arriving
passenger, Mr. Johnson,
please come to the
white courtesy telephone.
(audience laughs)
- It's a lovely necklace.
(audience laughs)
(Alex laughs)
- Schneider, I'm just
getting a magazine.
- Not this magazine, you're not.
Go buy a candy bar.
- Barbara just said.
Being 12 is not easy.
- She's gonna wind
up with back problems.
(audience laughs)
- Hi.
- Oh, hi again.
- Look, I usually
don't come over
and start talking
to strange women,
well, not that you're
strange, but, you see,
I was over there reading
my book, and I saw you.
Well, actually I saw you
before over there, over there.
I want you to know that
I'm not a wacko or anything,
but I just had to tell you that
you're the most beautiful
girl I've ever seen,
and now that I did,
I'm going to go back
and read my book, thank you.
(audience laughs)
- Welcome. (chuckles)
And I usually don't
talk to strange men,
but you're not bad
looking yourself.
- Ah, I'm glad you think so.
Do you want to sit down?
- No.
(audience laughs)
I can't believe I did that.
- Pardon me, I think
it's my move, hi.
- Hi, once again.
- My name is Steve Smith.
- Smith?
- Oh hey, I can prove that.
It's my social
security, credit card.
That's a picture of my dog.
- Your dog has a beard.
- That's my drivers license.
(audience laughs)
- You don't have a beard.
- Well, I did then.
- You look better without one.
- Thanks, now, you're
turn, who are you?
You know, a guy
can't be too careful.
(Barbara giggles)
- My name is Barbara Cooper.
I never had a beard,
and I was once runner up
in the Indianapolis
hula-hoop contest.
- Oh, great, you know,
I never met a
hula-hooper I didn't like.
Hi, Barbara.
- Hi, Steve.
What do you do?
- I sell insurance.
- Oh, boy, that's exciting.
- Hey, don't knock it.
When you die, you'll
be glad to have it.
- Someone else will be.
- Very unusual flavor.
- Pina colada, can't
keep it on the shelf.
- I bet you're a Gemini.
- Aquarius.
- Aquarius, well, they're
brothers, you know.
(audience laughs)
- What are you?
- Torus, the bull.
How does that grab you?
- After work, I hope.
(audience laughs)
- Not so fast, I mean, I haven't
even started my pitch yet.
You're missing a
lot of interesting stuff.
- I'm going to look around, Mom.
- Fine, I'll be in the
waiting room, honey.
- [Airline attendant]
Mr. Ward Dale,
please report to
the ticket counter.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Are you waiting for somebody
or are you catching a plane?
- I'm observing man on the move.
- Me too, small world, huh?
- Right.
- My name is
Stephanie, what's yours?
- Alex.
- What?
- Alex Handris, look,
if you don't mind,
I'm trying to read
this magazine.
(Stephanie laughs)
- Oh, do you always
read Mademoiselle?
(audience laughs)
- I'm taking French, okay?
(audience laughs)
- Okay, did anyone
ever tell you,
you look a lot like
John Travolta?
You have the same sexy eyes.
- Shh, would you cut it out?
People can hear you.
- Sorry I bothered you.
- Look, you didn't bother me.
I hardly noticed you.
- Okay now, let
me get this straight.
This is very important stuff.
You hate lima beans,
love the Detroit Lions.
You vote Democratic, you
have no current boyfriends.
You milked a cow
once, you like to ski.
- Wait a second, who said
anything about no
current boyfriend?
- Well, you did, didn't you?
- No, I never said that.
- Oh, then you do
have a boyfriend?
- No, I never said that either.
Do you have a girlfriend?
- You're changing
the subject and I did.
Well, we broke up.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, I'm not, after six
months of discussing
why the previous six
months were no good,
she finally told me we
weren't right for each other.
Her exact words
were, "You're boring."
(Barbara laughs)
- What did you do?
- I cried a lot, then I laughed
'cause all that crying
was shrinking my ties.
(audience laughs)
- Well, I guess a guy with
short ties can't be all bad.
- What about you, has
anyone ever broke your heart?
- Oh, yeah, just once.
- What did he do?
- He fell for Sally Field.
- Can I ask you a
personal question?
- Yeah.
- How old are you?
- No.
- Okay.
(Barbara laughs)
I won't press it.
Who was president
when you were born?
- Lincoln.
(Steve chuckles)
- You're not going to tell
me how old you are, are you?
- She's 19.
- 20, Steve, bigmouth
here is Alex Handris.
He lives with me.
- I thought you said you
didn't have a boyfriend.
- Oh, don't worry,
it's strictly planatonic.
(audience laughs)
- Uh, platonic.
- Whatever.
- What can we do for you?
- Um, it's kind of personal.
- Oh, okay, excuse me.
- [Airline attendant] Officer
Platowski to Security, please.
- I want to know if
I have sexy eyes.
(audience laughs)
- What?
- Oh, it's that dumb girl
over there, she said I did.
She just came up to me
and started to talk to me.
She's really strange.
(Barbara laughs)
Why can't people
leave you alone?
- Well, you know, you
don't have to talk to her.
- You bet I don't.
Maybe I'll go over there
and tell her to leave me alone.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, I wish that plane
would hurry, I'm starving.
- Me too, look, why don't I
get us some hamburgers?
- Oh, no, that wasn't a hint.
- Well, who cares,
it's a good idea.
- No, no, really,
I'm not hungry.
- You said you were staved.
- But that doesn't
mean I'm hungry.
When you're starving,
you're past the point of hunger.
- Huh?
- Look, let's just forget it,
I don't want to eat, okay?
- All I said is I'll get
you a hamburger.
It doesn't obligate you
to do anything immoral.
- I'm sorry, it's just
a thing with me.
I don't like to eat
on a first date.
I mean, not that this is
a first date or anything.
Look, whatever it
is we're having here,
I don't want to eat, okay?
- You don't eat, well, that
doesn't make any sense.
- Yes, it does to girls,
you wouldn't understand.
- Try me, I'm very patient.
- Oh, come on, this
is really embarrassing.
Okay, I'll tell you.
When you meet an attractive guy,
you don't like him
to see you chew.
(audience laughs)
You know, get
lettuce in your teeth.
- Hm, attractive, huh?
- Can you just get
me a cup of tea?
- Okay, one double cheeseburger
with everything for me,
french fries, pie a la mode,
and a cup of tea for you.
- [Barbara] Steve?
- [Steve] Yeah?
- Can you make that two double
cheeseburgers and a blindfold?
- Hold the lettuce.
- [Airline attendant]
Mr. Thompson, please report
to the paging center
for a message.
- Who was that?
- Steve.
- Steve who?
- Smith.
- Steve Smith.
(audience laughs)
I know him, patron
saint of motels.
(audience laughs)
Barbara, you've
got to be careful.
- Oh, Schneider,
I think I'm in love.
(audience applauds)
- What are you talking about?
What do you mean,
you think you're in love?
I mean, you just met this guy.
- He said I was the most
beautiful girl he'd ever seen.
- You gonna go for
a dumb line like that?
(audience laughs)
- Schneider.
- Come on, now,
you know you're not
supposed to talk to
strange guys in airports.
They're only interested
in one thing, hit and fly.
(audience laughs)
- Come on!
- Normal guys don't
hang around airports
at night hittin'
on young ladies.
- Hi, Torus.
- Wah.
(audience laughs)
- Hiya, there, Aquarius.
- I'm on a break so we
can have that coffee now.
Get to know each other.
- Yeah, I'll see you in the
coffee shop in a minute.
- I'll be counting
the seconds, Spider.
- Schneider.
(audience laughs)
It's different, you
see me, it's different.
In this case, I am the
hitter, but you are the hitee.
(audience laughs)
- Sure, Spider.
(audience laughs)
- Look, your mother
is out of town,
so, I mean, I'm
responsible for you.
Now, you're just
a kid, all right.
When that guy gets back,
I'm gonna straighten him out.
- Dear, sweet Schneider,
I appreciate your
loving care and concern,
but if you say
one word to Steve,
I'll shove that chair
right up your nose.
(audience laughs)
- I ain't afraid of you.
- Schneider, your hot
coffee date is waiting.
- All right, one scream
out of you, and that guy is
gonna be the next thing
flying out of this airport.
(audience laughs)
I think I'll get some of that
pina colada, turns her on.
(audience laughs)
- [Airline attendant]
Final call, flight 57
for Baltimore now
boarding at gate eight.
All passengers holding confirmed
seats should be on board.
Attention, please,
attention please,
departure of flight
number 212 for Omaha.
(audience laughs)
- Hey, look, you
dropped your candy bar.
- Oh, that's not mine.
- It's not?
It's on the floor
right beside you.
Here, you might as well have it.
- I don't want a candy
bar that's been on the floor.
(audience laughs)
- I paid 40 cents for that.
- If you wanted me to have it,
why didn't you
just give it to me?
- 'Cause you'd think I was
interested or something.
- I don't care if
you are or not.
- I don't care
either, I don't care.
You know, you look
a lot like Bo Derek.
(audience laughs)
That's right, make fun of me.
- Huh?
- Just because I'm
not as, as tall as she is,
you don't have to
make a joke out of it.
- I'm sorry, I didn't even
notice you're not tall.
- I don't like you.
- You know, you're
a very pretty lady,
and I really kind of enjoyed
our little conversation.
You have a coffee
break coming up?
- Well, just as soon as
the other girl gets back.
She's just meeting some
guy in the coffee shop.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider?
- Yeah, yeah?
- Can I talk to you?
- Yeah, okay, yeah.
- Over here?
- [Woman] Ooh.
- Schneider, you know
everything about women, right?
- Listen, nobody knows
everything about women,
but I probably know more
than anybody you'll ever meet,
so, go ahead, shoot,
what's the problem?
- Well, you see, I met this girl
named Stephanie and
I need some advice.
- How old is she?
- I don't know, about 12.
- Tough age.
- But what do I do?
- Well, when it comes to
women, there's only a few
basic rules you've
got to remember.
- Okay, what are they?
- Rule number one, you
have got to know your woman.
- Well, here's one
woman you ain't
gonna get to know, turkey, here.
- What's that?
- It's a check for
eight cups of coffee.
(audience laughs)
Wonder she was in such a hurry.
- Schneider, what do
I do about Stephanie?
- Well, buy her a gift,
pretend you're guilty,
and whatever you do,
don't keep her waiting.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi, hi.
- I'm free now.
- Okay.
- What's the second rule?
- Rule number two is
always have a backup system.
(audience laughs)
- The line was impossible
so I went to the machine.
We've got some root beer,
potato chips and apple turnovers.
(Barbara laughs)
- Thank god,
it's still junk food.
(Steve laughs)
- Can I ask you
something very important?
- Sure.
- Can you cook?
- Can you?
- Oh, it's gonna be one of
those relationships, huh?
- Well, I wouldn't
ask you to iron shirts.
- Oh well, we could
send those out.
- Yeah, I'll tell you a secret.
I cook, sew, clean, do
windows, and have a job.
- Would you be terribly upset
if I propose with my mouth full?
Sorry, I don't think I want
to kid about that, not with you.
- Come on, you're
embarrassing me.
- Sorry, I really
didn't mean to do that.
Do you want to have a baby?
(audience laughs)
- Yes, eventually.
- Boy or girl?
- Well, three of
each might be nice.
- Oh, six babies, huh?
- Well see, that's
just for openers.
- Well, I suppose we
should get married first.
- But how can we?
If the police catch
you with that truckload
of stolen hats, you're gonna
go to the slammer for sure.
- You know, you're right.
I should have left the
hats and taken the boots.
- Oh, but you had to
support your two wives.
- Oh, Bulla, I can't wait,
I want you right here.
- Oh, yes, right here.
- Animals!
(audience laughs)
- That wasn't very nice.
- Are you kidding, we
probably made her day.
- Probably.
- Barbara, would you like to go
to dinner with me
tomorrow night?
- Yeah, I'd love to.
- Six kids, how are we going
to have six kids on my income?
- Well, the normal
way might be fun.
(audience laughs)
- You're blushing.
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
- I'm not, it's just I never
talked to a guy
like this before.
- I can't figure you.
Are you just flirting
with me, or what?
- What.
- [Airline attendant]
Last call for flight 18
now boarding at
gate number four.
(Schneider whistles)
(Schneider sneezes)
(audience laughs)
- Just want to remind
you, young lady,
that I can see everything
from the coffee shop,
and as for you, Tyrone,
thinking is free, talking is cheap,
but touching can be
injurious to your health.
Take it from the
old surgeon general.
(audience laughs)
- Who is that?
- Oh, I don't know, probably one
of those nuts that
hang around airports.
(audience laughs)
- Excuse me, how much is this?
- $32.50.
- Oh, well actually, I had
something smaller in mind.
- Uh, how much smaller?
- About $30 smaller.
(audience laughs)
- Oh, well, let's see
what we can do, okay?
- Here's a nice little
koala bear, $2.95.
- Gee, it's kind of small.
She couldn't hug it or anything.
- Honey, the idea is you give
it to her and she hugs you.
- Do you think she will?
- There's no guarantee.
- Okay, I'll take it.
- $3.07 with tax.
- I'm three cents short.
Do you have a
discount for veterans?
- Absolutely, take it.
- Thank you.
- [Airline attendant] Flight 486
from New York now arriving.
- Hi.
- What do you want?
- Look, I came
over to apologize.
You don't look
anything like Bo Derek.
I mean, I mean, you look
like you and I like that.
- Really?
- Uh-huh, here, I
bought you a present.
- Oh, I'm really not supposed
to take gifts from strange men.
- I'm a boy.
- [Stephanie] Right.
- Here.
- Oh, it's cute.
- You think so?
- Yes, I love it.
- Stephy.
- Daddy.
- Oh, I missed you
a whole lot, honey.
Here, this is for you.
- For me, oh,
dad, he's beautiful.
Bye, Alex.
(audience laughs)
- [Airline attendant] Attention
please, flight number 12
from Cleveland now
arriving at gate 33.
- That's us.
- Yeah, let's go.
Oh, do you have
any carry-on luggage
or did you check it all?
- Luggage?
- Yes, those things
we pack our clothes in.
- Why would I need luggage?
- Well, you're coming
on the plane, aren't you?
- No, you're waiting for one
of the passengers, aren't you?
- I am one of the passengers,
going to California the next
leg of the flight, aren't you?
- No, I thought you
lived in Indianapolis.
- No, California, I was
just here on business.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
- I don't believe this.
- I feel terrible, I.
- So do I, there
goes my free dinner.
- There go our kids.
- All six of them.
- Look, I'm really
going to miss you.
- Gonna miss you too.
- I come to Indianapolis
a couple times a year.
- Well, I'll give you my number.
- Oh well, have a business card.
My home phone is on it,
and if a woman should
answer, well, it's my mother.
(Barbara laughs)
- I'll call.
- So will I.
- Passengers on the
continuation of flight number 12,
now boarding at gate number 33.
- That's me.
- [Schneider] Hey, how
are you, Ms. Romano?
- Ah, Schneider, hi.
- So, how was your flight?
- Long, how's everything here?
- Well, one or two things
may need an explanation.
- Yeah, like what?
- Well, for openers, uh.
- Who's that?
- It's Barbara.
(audience laughs)
- Yeah, Schneider,
the one kissing Barbara.
- Ooh, I hate women, here.
- Something I said?
- Oh, it was all Schneider's
dumb idea to give her the gift.
- What gift, what her?
- Now look, it's no my
fault you go out of town
and suddenly this guy
decides to go ahead and puber.
(audience laughs)
- Schneider, who is that
man who is kissing Barbara?
- It's a fella that
she met here tonight.
- Here tonight?
- I'm gonna become a priest.
- What?
- [Barbara] Hi, Mom.
- Hi, darling, hi,
who is that man?
- Oh, just a guy I met.
- Why a priest?
- He's a priest?
- No.
- No.
- I'm never gonna get
married, I hate girls.
- Come on, let's
go get your bags
- Right, Barbara, Alex,
wait, Schneider, what?
- Listen, I wouldn't worry
about it, Ms. Romano,
I'm pre, I'm certain everything
is gonna turn out all right.
Excuse me. (clears throat)
- Hi.
- Hi, Dottie.
- Oh, thanks.
- [Schneider] Yeah.
- Oh, listen, instead
of the bowling,
why don't we pick up some
wine and go over to my place?
(audience laughs)
- Wine, huh, sure, yeah.
Listen, there, Ms.
Romano, here's my keys.
You drive carefully
and, uh, so will I.
(audience laughs)
- And I thought landing
in Columbus was exciting.
Oh.
(audience applauds)
("This Is It")
(changes to dramatic music)